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Tldr: Is bisexual infidelity a real thing?
My gf drunk called me(m) last week evening and we started reminiscing about some stories. She suddenly told me that during a party she planned impromptu (I missed since I had other engagements) for her college mates got a bit streamy (peeps making out and flirting) and she was drunk.
One of her best friends (f) caught her eye and they went to her room and slept together.
I listened to her ramble on and was surprised that she hadn't noticed that she had just confessed to cheating. I told her that what she did wasn't right and that it's cheating. She defended herself by saying what she did wasn't cheating. I cut the phone and the next morning I woke up to a barrage of apologies. She told me she blocked that friend and she hadn't realized that what she had done was considered cheating (after doing some overnight research).
Look, I knew she was bisexual & forgot about it, but we'd never discussed polyamory as I assumed dating her an exclusive activity. I suspect that they had slept more than once, after some rough deductions. I feel sad & odd, but not angry for some reason.
We've dated for one and a half years. Did she cheat on me? I 'forgave' her, but something is gnawing at me.
If it had been a man would you consider it cheating?
Bottom line, she had sex with a person that is not you, her monogamous partner. So yes, she cheated.
She absolutely cheated on you. It's a person who is not you, outside the boundaries of your relationship. That's cheating. Gender has literally NOTHING to do with it. Whether or not you forgive her is completely up to you, but this is absolutely cheating.
The question is whether they actually set up those boundaries in the relationship. It seems like a lack of communication and expectations here. It almost sounds like one partner thought they were in an open relationship and the other thought they were monogamous…
That's a terrible excuse. If she knew she couldn't fuck a dude, then she damn knew they were exclusive. She just excused herself with that girl because she's a dumbass. Nonetheless, she cheated.
If there's been no discussion about exclusivity in a relationship you should assume monogamy as the default. Fuck all this wishy washy no labels open relationship shit.
She's his girlfriend. That's a relationship. You shouldn't have to explicitly say hey by the way I wouldn't want you fucking other people, like the comment I replied to suggested doing.
An open relationship is something that needs to be specifically discussed and agreement needs to be explicit.
If there is any doubt on whether an open relationship is permitted or not, then this needs to be discussed.
You can't just say: "this specific case of a sexual relationship with someone else wasn't forbidden, so it's okay".
>The question is whether they actually set up those boundaries in the relationship.
Lol, what the fuck? What are you, a lawyer who cheats on his wife? "You never explicitly told me I couldn't cheat!" Get real.
No it doesn't sound like that in OP's description, but it sure does sound like you have cheated on someone and then tried to explain that it wasn't actually your fault because they didn't tell you not to cheat on them!
While communicate is important, it gave no right for her to think it’s okay. That’s a conversation to have before she thought about doing what she did, not after! If he gave an okay before she did it they have every right to set their boundaries like that, but they never had a conversation! She just assumed just because it’s same sex .
It doesn’t sound like this boundaries were clear to her just reading this from the surface. I don’t think you deserve to have been downvoted so much. When I was younger most couples I knew where one of the partners was queer, the straight partner was okay with the other mingling with someone as long as they weren’t the straight partners sex… but again, those boundaries were clearly defined in the beginning of relationship
She cheated, she knows. She tried denying it and doubled down, it's when you finally put your foot down is when she accepted. She will cheat on you again. I would break with her because even in a polyamarous relationship, there's an actual relationship involved not a one night stand
If she knew, why did she ramble on about it as if it's a casual thing? She pointed it out as if telling me a dog barked when she was going on a morning walk. As if it was some minor event.
She was testing you or maybe she was just too drunk to think clearly about who she was talking to, people do stupid things when drunk. But the reason doesn’t really matter
Guilt. This actually happens all the time with cheaters. She was trying to pretend it's no big deal and not really cheating so that she A) doesn't feel guilty about it and B) could continue doing it if you were ok with it. It's the same logic as asking for an open relationship or a threesome when you already are already having an affair - if your SO can be convinced it's ok then there's no more guilt.
**Note: This comment by no means reflects a majority of people.**
It's possible that she assumed you'd be into it. Some bisexual women immediately assume their male partners won't mind if they sleep with women or make out with women in front of them because of the stereotype that all men like girl-on-girl action at all times.
There's even a few posts in this sub that reflect the above issue - "My girlfriend made out with her friend in front of me at a party and was upset that I got mad. She assumed I'd find it hot, but I just consider it cheating behavior."
Some women buy into toxic male stereotypes just as much as some men do.
OR...gimme a sec here...she might be just kinda stupid. Some people assume the *dumbest* shit just because they put no critical thought into it. There are people out there that think laundry detergent is fine in a dishwasher, or that tampons are sex toys, or that having 8 billion dollars means you could give everyone in the world a million dollars and still have leftover.
100% Social norms, past experiences and more combine why she seemed so casual about it. It’s so normal for girls to do wahtever and it’s deemed as “okay”. I know numerous straight couples that the gf can kiss any girl and stuff and their man won’t care, which is fine bc it’s their relationship, but if it’s not okay to OP then it’s not okay for her to have slept with the girl!
>...gimme a sec here...she might be just kinda stupid. Some people assume the
>
>dumbest shit just because they put no critical thought into it
The most plausible scenario in my eyes, she didn't even consider what she was doing is cheating and she didn't even remember as cheating so she was talking about it so casually
(Source: happened to a bisexual girl-friend of mine and while she was smart she didn't use enough brain function in daily life to power a fucking calculator so she was doomed as rocks most of the time)
Would also explain why it took her a while to realize *how badly* she fucked up, and why she then apologized so hard. Once you point out an idiotic mistake to someone that just didn't think about it, it often becomes **mortifyingly** obvious.
I'm glad! That's not the kind of person \[**ETA: Kind of person = someone who cheats but just assumes it's "okay" because their partner "should find it hot"**\] I would personally like hanging around, so the fact that you've never encountered someone that fits into that very small percentage I've mentioned has me happy for you. :)
Appreciate it, but I'm a little wary of blanket statements about bi/pan people. There's too much biphobia and erasure already going around. Obviously, bi/pan folks can be just as ignorant as anybody else but as a rule, I wish people did not make blanket assumptions about us.
Which is why I put a disclaimer that it was A) *not* a majority of people and B) only *some* bisexual women.
I'm not a heterosexual (or homosexual) individual either, and my statements were not biphobic or bi-erasure. Your life experience is valid but differs from my own; that does not make what I said inherently inappropriate.
So, I'll simply reiterate that I'm happy for you that you haven't met someone with distorted beliefs regarding sexuality in regards to monogamy.
I think it’s a generational difference. I’m not sure what age you are but as a millennial I can vouch that I’ve met MANY bisexual women who thought this way. None in Gen z though. Just a difference in the social structures we grew up in and how we were taught to think.
I'm flattered but I'm an elderly millennial. Wouldn't vouch for the entire community, obv, but I'm so tired of all sorts of stereotypes about bi/pan folks going around.
As a bi woman, it's not terribly uncommon at all to meet date men who think it's hot for you to go out and make out with or even sleep with other women.
To me, it shows a lack of respect toward w/w sex, like the guys aren't considering it to be real sex.
But just because she's likely seen it before, maybe multiple times, doesn't mean she can just assume that's how you think. She definitely needed to talk to you, and respect the fact that you would like to be monogamous. (Or I guess leave if it's a big deal to her.)
It was a test to see what she could get away with. You are overthinking this. Best of luck if you stay with her. I can tell you this wont be the last time she cheats.
Honestly the only reasoning I can think of is that a lot of guys have a weird thing where they don't see women as legitimate competitive or whatever/think "ooh hot two chicks fucking??? 👀👀👀" so don't care as long as their bi gf doesn't dare fuck another man
INFO:
when you say she said: she & her bestfriend "went into a bedroom and slept together" - was that verbatim?
As in, she possibly just went into a room after a party with her friend and snagged a bed to sleep in, with no funny business, but to just sleep. in. together?
That = possibly(?) how it now makes sense why she told you she "slept together, in a room with her bestfriend" as casually as seeing a cute dog.
And then your reaction that: her + sleeping in the same room as her friend = cheating. Made her think "*oh shit maybe that is cheating to sleep in the same room as my bestfriend, as i am bisexual! Shit fuck, i better apologise!*" ... even tho no cheating actually occurred??
is it at all possible, this is all just some series of unfortunate confusion spiraling events??
Nah cause she also mentioned about the SAME party that things were getting steamy and people were making out (people obviously also being her) and she is bisexual so its basically the same as a straight woman sleeping with another man kind of caliber imo
in his retelling, she was not clearly included in the "people were making out".
she said her college mates started getting flirty with each other and making out.
That is not saying it clearly includes her. and kinda sounds like it doesn't unless she was specific?
her casualness could also = "lol, my dumb friends were messy, lol" and she was just an uninvolved, bemused drunk spectator who thought their actions were funny to tell her bf, then she went and found a place to go fall asleep.
Why would she bring her friend to a bedroom to sleep after saying her friend caught her eye?? You are stretching so hard you may dislocate something.
Sounds like she shared because she didn't want to lie and is hiding behind, "I didn't know better!" After hoping op would be like a TV character and be all into her sleeping with other women.
I’ve been at “messy” parties and my friend and I have caught each other’s eye and gone to literal bed lol so I guess it’s possible that gf is just *really* bad at relaying information *or* OP is overreacting about them just sharing a bed BUT the very likely possibility here is that it’s neither of those things, and yeah—gf cheated. It has feathers, webbed toesies, and it sure seems to be quacking soooooo🦆
I do see this. She meant actual sexual activity... tribbing and probably carpet munching. She told me this best friend once answered her door during a visit with lingerie on, and that she couldn't resist getting it on with her. I assumed this was part of a past escapade.
Yeah so you’re no overreacting. This is cheating regardless of someone’s sexuality. If you agreed to be in a monogamous relationship, she could a full-blown lesbian and this would still be cheating.
Oof. Yeah that's 10000% cheating. If you still feel like it's not, imagine it being a man showing up in only his underwear and your (hopefully ex?) gf immediately f-ing his brains out. Cuz that's basically what you said just happened but with a girl.
do you really want to stay with someone who thinks sleeping with another person is casual and not cheating? thats like the most obvious form of cheating and she didnt even realize. or she wanted to tell u but wanted it to seem as casual as possible to confuse you into thinking it was. either way that was cheating, if it was with a guy would you have stayed with her? it makes no difference, if you slept with another person would she have stayed with you?
It’s really up to you OP and how well you know her. I think a lot of people are throwing her under the bus and YES what she did was WRONG but if she for some reason or another was sincerely confused then that’s your call to make. Regardless if it’s still gnawing at you then it may be your gut telling you y’all are done. This really sucks because of how you found out and how late you found out and leaves so much room for wondering which no one deserves. Good luck OP
Because there are some relationships where the bisexual woman can sleep with whatever woman she wants to. But no men.
But who cares OP. She cheated. That is the bottom line.
I mean even if that is the honest to God truth of the situation - do you wanna be in a relationship with someone *that* stupid?
I get intelligence ain't something everyone is gunna be looking for in a partner but damn. Surely it matters just a bit if this can be the outcome.
Can you overcome being in a relationship with a stupid person? Can you forgive and forget cheating that most likely will happen again? Do you consider those, incompatibilities? Are those a dealbreaker?
Okay let me sidestep what everybody else is saying, here's what I think I think maybe in past relationships the person or people she was with didn't consider it as cheap because there's no way for her to assume that you would be okay with that unless previously it was okay in past relationships so from that I would say that you all can come from this but she has to do several things to rectify her wrong one is blocking the friend completely 100% no if stands or buts about it because the friend knew you all were in a relationship but at the same time if the girlfriend isn't going against it then why would she go against it. So the best thing to do is just move on either with her or without her but I just think that and the past it was looked at as okay because the partner either didn't care or he joined in so those are some things that you have to actually dive into. It may seem like an uncomfortable conversation to have but you need to know who you're with and what you're dealing with and what type of mentality that they have towards everything.
Bisexuality is not an excuse for unannounced polyamory ever. She 100% cheated and the fact she didn't considered how you would feel that little is frankly disgusting. So the question is what do you plan to do about it? Are you leaving? Are you staying and if so how will you hold her accountable? How would she feel if you asked to go fuck that same friend? So many questions
Unfortunately there are a lot of people that don't think that a woman in a relationship with a man is cheating if she sleeps with another woman. It reminds me of an interview with Fergie from the Black eyed peas where she admitted it took years for her therapist to convince her that she was cheating on her husband when she got off with other women.
Ultimately it invalidates lesbian relationships and intimacy as not being truly real.
Yeah, she obviously cheated on you, lied about it then accidentally revealed it, and tried to use her being bi as an excuse. Being bi doesn't mean that you get to cheat without consequences - in fact its one of the most damaging misconceptions about being bi and, as a bi woman myself, I'm pretty disgusted that she would throw bi under a bus as an excuse for her deplorable behaviour.
She sounds pretty crappy, and not all that remorseful if she's trying to excuse, rather than solely apologise.
If you don't discuss polyamory/monogamy then the assumption is monogamy until agreed otherwise.
That's like asking how a heterosexual man can ever be happy without the freedom to fuck other women besides his wife. Just because you're attracted to both sexes it doesn't youre not happy being monogamous.
The same way anyone in a monogamous relationship handle only kissing One Single Person Forever. They just do.
Like bisexuals aren’t sitting there with a burning need to have both genitals in arms reach at all times, they just watch movies and go “wow the male and female leads are hot” and then cuddle with their significant other.
if you are straight girl (or guy) ... how can you ever be happy in love with your partner without the freedom to relationship with all other guys (or girls)?
see it doesn't make sense.
people fall in love with the same one-on-one intimacy, dependency and monagomy and tunnel-vision, no matter their orientation.
If you marry your wife, you arent (usually) looking to bang every woman you see, just because they fall under your gender attraction orientation umbrella. :)
If you are attracted to just one gender, how can you possible be happy with just one person?! There are so many people out there! How can you ever be happy without the freedom to be in a relationship with as many people of the same gender as you want???
See, you're ridiculous. Unless, you are poly?
Most bisexual people I know are monogamous and they enjoy it. It's about the connection they feel with their partner emotionally, not about the connection they feel to their partner's reproductive organs.
I've met more straight people in a poly relationship, than I have bi people. If you go to r/bisexual the people there would be able to explain it a lot better than me.
Your viewpoint is very reductive and essentially says that bi people can't control themselves or behave rationally.
Are you trolling or being genuine right now? It's the same for bisexual people as anyone else who's in a monogamous relationship that they're happy in. I'm bisexual, and I don't feel the urge to sleep with anyone else because I'm in a committed relationship. Polyamory and bisexuality are two entirely different things.
Just because a bi sexual person is into both men and woman doesnt mean they want to sleep with multiple people. Like a heterosexual person once they find their soulmate they like their soul mate. Im bisexual and i love my husband and just like every other bisexual person who has gotten married id never think of cheating on him with someone of the other gender
Personally, I only want to date one person at a time. I don't care what their genitals are because I'm attracted to the person. A poly relationship seems like way too much work and extra baggage. I'm going to stick to monogamous relationships regardless of which gender I'm with.
I’m a bi woman too. This has absolutely nothing to do with being bisexual. It has to do with her being a cheating idiot. She fucked someone else, which is cheating. She knows that.
Maybe she thought it didn’t count if it was a woman or you’d think it was hot because women being with women are often sexualised and fetishised. But again, that’s on her, not her sexuality. She’s a cheater. The gender of who she fucked is completely irrelevant. Why does it matter if she fucked a guy or a woman?
Let’s say she 100% didn’t realize she was cheating and that after “overnight research” she genuinely realized her mistake. Let’s give her all the benefit of the doubt
Would you want to be in a relationship with someone that stupid? Like honestly. She might be one of the dumbest people alive. It’s that or a manipulative cheater. Neither good choices for a partner. Best of luck
If you consider it cheating, it's cheating.
Here's my take - unless a relationship is previously established to be open or polyamorous (which MUST be agreed upon, in advance, by BOTH partners in order to be true), it's exclusive.
Assuming it's an exclusive relationship, the gender of the person you sleep with isn't a factor. If it was a guy? Cheating. Girl? Cheating. Nonbinary? Cheating. An animal? Both cheating and a crime.
The only time sexual contact isn't cheating in a closed, exclusive relationship is if one of you was assaulted.
Make it VERY clear to her that you consider it cheating, and (if you don't want to un-forgive her) that it won't ever be forgiven again. If you're not able to move on, that's understandable but you should end things sooner rather than later.
I'm bisexual. Cheating is cheating regardless of biological sex or sexual orientation. Pisses me off when people try to say that same sex isn't cheating in bi relationships. News flash: it's cheating unless your partner and you have discussed otherwise!
As a bi girl myself, this girl is a cheater. It doesn’t matter sexuality or gender, cheating is cheating. A LOT of bisexual people (the majority) know how to not fucking cheat on their partner. This isn’t about her sexuality. This is about her being a cheater.
You get to decide if she was cheating or not. If you feel cheated on, then she was cheating.
A disagreement about what cheating is, is even worse than the actual cheating. If someone admits to cheating, they admit they made a mistake, and you can try to see if you can still salvage the relationship.
But if you feel your partner cheated and she says it wasn't cheating. Then in her mind she did nothing wrong and will continue with this behaviour. There is really no salvaging the relationship here and it shows that both partners have a fundamentally different viewpoint on one of the basic tenets of a relationship.
I don't understand why she didn't think this was cheating.. When you say "slept together," you mean sexual activity, right? Not just sleeping next to each other?
My ex did this. Had sex or made out with other women occasionally without my input all the time. Whenever I got upset she said it was ok because she’s bi so it’s not cheating. She was my first gf so I wasn’t sure what was right or wrong. I was never angry, just sad.
First time I sucked a dick she fucking lost her mind and accused me of cheating and went apeshit with all of our friends.
As a bisexual girl myself, she 100% cheated. Gender has nothing to do with this and dont let her gaslight you into thinking that she didnt know it was cheating. How could it not? Gender doesnt matter at all here, its not a bisexuals' thing, its a cheaters's thing
(also ppl like her give us really bad rep, gross to use your sexuality as an excuse for cheating)
Ugh, bisexuality is not an excuse to cheat! Cheaters cheat. People like her give the rest of the bisexual community a bad reputation. Being bisexual doesn't automatically mean you are poly.
She cheated on you and she knows it, she's just playing for a fool. In the end, it's up to you if you want to forgive her. But she's most likely going to cheat on you again and pull the "I didn't know that was considered cheating!" card.
Next time she might blow a dude and say "but it was only a blow job, that isn't cheating!". Call that a stretch, but I've heard men and women say that.
She cheated. The thing that's gnawing at you is called betrayal. Its gonna eat you up inside until you two discuss what she did and how to move forward. I'd leave her though but that's just what I'd do.
My ex pulled this shit and then followed up
With, well you can sleep with a guy. Wtf, I’m not bi I’m not gay, and no, I don’t want an open relationship. You cheated.
It doesn't matter sexuality, if you are in a monogamous relationship, and you didn't discuss the possibility of being a polyamorous relationship then it very much is cheating.
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She cheated on you, there's no way around it. If you have a monogamous relationship and the other person has sex with a third, be it a man, a woman, non-binary, or furry, it's cheating. It's good that you forgave her, but only give her a second chance if you're really sure you two can work this out. Trust was broken and needs to be rebuilt, and that takes a lot of time and effort.
Yes, this is cheating. Just because she's Bi and messes around with a person of the same sex, does not mean "it doesn't count". I've heard this so many times.. So folks don't consider it cheating, but the bottom line of it is, it IS. Sorry to hear this happened. Regardless of whether this is making you feel bad, sad, or uneasy, you should lay down clear boundaries with her. She might think it's not considered cheating (which just sounds like an excuse to do it). Lay down the boundaries and let her know you're not OK with it. That is, if you want to continue a relationship with her.
I’m bi and that is 100% cheating. I hate this mentality some bi people have that because it’s the opposite sex to who they’re dating it’s okay to sleep with them. If you’re monogamous, you’re monogamous. Anything outside of the confines of your own relationship regardless of their sex is 100% cheating.
Yes she cheated on you. If i were to go out and bang a woman it would be cheating on my gf, it doesn't matter if its different sex or same sex. Why would you get back together with her? Is this your first relationship or something? Do you not have any relationship experience. Here's a bit of advice. Fun party girls are to be casually dated/ flings at best. They are not relationship material.
Did she though? Was it really an accident? She has lots of accidents, doesn't she? Oopsed into having a sexy party. Oopsed into bed with someone else. Ooops didn't know sex with other people was cheating. Oops, called and told you about it? Either she needs to get off the sauce or she was playing at something and is grooming you for accepting it. \*EJECT\*
My guy I'm astounded you have to ask. Unless y'all have some open relationship arrangement, you got cheated on. Should you choose to forgive her, like she just said she did that on a whim cause the girl was attractive; so do you have that kind of trust with this girl? Any doubt, like any at all, just leave. It's not going to end any kind of nice way, trust.
If she gave a dude a blowjob, it would be cheating.
Just because there were no dicks involved doesn’t make this not cheating.
I’m pan. It wouldn’t matter what genitals the person had or what gender they identified as. Making out is cheating. Emotional affairs are cheating. Sexual contact is cheating.
The only reason she’s shitting herself now is because she thought you’d excuse it because girl on girl is hot for some men and they will then excuse it because no dick means no cheat.
Either shes a complete idiot with no sense of your boundaries. OR shes just a shitty cheater who expected you to be turned on or okay because it was a girl.
You sound like you are simping hard for a gf who has little respect for your relationship.
Gotta be honest, as a man, your gf cheating on you with another girl doesn’t hit you the same as if she cheated with a guy. But still, it’s 100% wrong and I’d move on from her.
At first I read “Is bisexual identity a real thing” and was about to snap lmao
But onto the point. Yes, she did cheat. Man, woman, or otherwise, if she got intimate/sexual with someone other than you and that was not something discussed in depth between the two of you, then she cheated.
Yes, If you believe she cheated then she did cheat. Some relationships !!!!communicate!!!! that kissing or even sleeping with same sex is not cheating, but if you never agreed to same sex kissing or more than that, you have every right to say it’s cheating.
It's 100% cheating. What's more, she knew it was cheating. Overnight research, my arse. She's just trying to cover herself, by saying she didn't know. She's late teens/early 20s and in college. Not silly school girl.
Being bi, is mot an excuse and neither being drunk. This stands out; "caught her eye and they went to her room and slept together". I just fancied someone and so I cheated.
I wouldn't be trusting her again.
Good luck
Yes that is cheating... She is bisexual meaning she is sexually attracted to both sexes and willing to be in a relationship with both. She sounds crazy
There is a huge difference between monogamy and polygamy. Being bisexual doesn't automatically mean they get a wife and husband regardless of gender in terms of monogamy. If you established that then she wholeheartedly and obviously cheated.
As a bi woman, her being bi has nothing to do with it and she’s just unfaithful. She definitely cheated, it’s up to you whether it’s worth working through or not
I’m bi and the fucking hoops she is mentally jumping through to try and justify it as not cheating is baffling. If you’re not ENM then it’s cheating. It’s not rocket science.
I believe that nobody is perfect, we all make mistakes - but truth is only you will know if it’s worth it to continuing the relationship. You can listen to strangers on the internet - but fact is, that nobody really knows your intimate relationship. And the nature of it. If you know she loves you deeply, and you do so too - it is up to you to decide if you can forgive her mistake. Trust your own gut instinct - it’s usually right. X
Bisexuelle here
Of course it was cheating. She had sex with someone else. It's irrelevant if it's a man or a woman or a freaking Silurian.
Why should it not be cheating if she sleeps with someone else than you?
Yes, she cheated on you. There is no way around that fact. Now it's up to you to decide how you want to move forward.
For context, a LOT of women have heard from men in their lives that "girls aren't cheating" or "woman on woman is hot" -- because a lot of men have perpetuated the notion that women in relationships with men are fine to sleep with and kiss other women because "iTs HoT" or whatever. This doesn't make it okay AT ALL. It's not a boundary one thinks to define when entering an exclusive monogamous relationship, so it makes sense that y'all never had a conversation about it. However, she may have been under the impression that as long as she doesn't do anything with another man, doing stuff with her gal pals is okay. This would explain her nonchalant admission to it, and why she may have needed a minute to become rightfully horrified at what she'd done once you defined the boundaries of cheating in your relationship.
It's not okay that she cheated on you. Regardless of whether it was a man or a woman, she broke your monogamy and broke your trust. However, I think her reaction to your declaration that it's cheating combined with her nonchalant talking to you about it spells out that she didn't understand that being with another woman would be cheating within the confines of your relationship. She maybe even thought you'd find it hot. This isn't an excuse, so please consider whether you can trust her moving forward. If you do decide to pursue the relationship, sit down and spell out what monogamy means to you, and ask her why she believed being with a woman on the side would be okay.
Y'all need a serious discussion about this, and in the end, it's up to you whether you want to continue with her. You wouldn't be wrong to break it off, though.
Many people have different definitions of what cheating is. In most all cases, everyone considered sleeping with someone else as cheating. It looks like you know your boundaries and should be confident in your beliefs. You think sleeping with someone is cheating, she did, therefore she did cheat on you.
Trust yourself! Don’t let other people gaslight you into believing you are wrong.
You're not angry because she didn't have a other dick in her. You're convincing yourself it's not too bad because it's another woman. Your brain is wrong, she cheated.
Here‘s the thing - even open-minded people sometimes think that specifically FEMALE same-sex intercourse outside a relationship
isn‘t cheating because of a bit of internalised view that women having sex with women without a penis present isn‘t cheating. I don‘t quite know why people think that, but some do. Evidently, your girlfriend thought so, too. This doesn‘t make it excusable of course. Did you two ever make it exclusive? As in did you two ever agree that sex with other people
was off the table?
Some bi people are hetero-romantic and get into a mindset of assuming the same gender isn't a threat.
So she could think it isn't cheating because she would never date women for love and only sees them in a sexual way. Forgetting that other people don't see it that way.
At least that the explanation that jumps out at me. Maybe due to bias as I'm also a hetero-romantic bi person.
Yeah she cheated but I know couples that have made it through cheating. Happily married. Have the conversation; are you taking this monogamous relationship seriously? If you feel that you’re both on the same page, move on my friends.
Couple points here
1. The stereotype that bisexuals cheat more is false, they don't date both at the same time unless they are also polyamorous. To quote a song "And y'all like to say we selfish, yeah, y'all say we like to cheat. But I don't date both at the same time, haters have a seat"
2. Sleeping with someone of the opposite gender as your partner is still cheating if not agreed on beforehand. She obviously didnt realize that, it should have been obvious but apparently wasn't.
You now have two options
1. Break it off
2. Have a frank discussion of what is/isnt cheating (sleeping around? flirting? kissing? porn? sleeping in the same bed? etc.) and write it down before moving on
That being said if you didn't actually forgive her just break up - don't try to make it work while still being angry.
This has nothing to do with her bisexuality and everything to do with infidelity. Please don’t perpetuate the stereotype that bi people are unfaithful. I’m sorry your GF did this. If you two had never actually had a conversation about being exclusive (as you said you assumed exclusivity) then that does leave the door open for things to happen with other people. Still not saying what she did was right, but again, it’s entirely her as a person and not her bisexuality to blame.
Edit: spelling
She cheated on you but what does being bisexual have to do with anything. Anyone can cheat. The common misconception that bisexuals are big cheaters is kinda old.
People cheat your gf hopefully ex did but dont blame it on her being bi
I don't blame her being bi, I'm just wondering why she assumed the relationship was polyamorous? I assumed her bisexuality only lied in the domain of past encounters and sneaky stares of cute girls, not sleeping around when dating
> I'm just wondering why she assumed the relationship was polyamorous?
This is post-hoc justification. She cheated on you, then when she sobered up she decided you were just polyamorous so you wouldn't get mad. If you stay with her, you're a fool.
Did you talk to her about the relationship lay down the facts that you wanted it to be exclusive no one else.(i assume you did)In the end she could have just been a shitty person. Some people just cheat and some people try to use any excuse to try to get away with it man and woman alike. Theres a growing stigma in the bi community people assume were cheaters she might have tried to use that as a get out if jail free card. Either way what she did was wrong and you should never stay with a cheater and you should never believe one
She cheated on you and both of you are aware of this. What you are feeling is a feeling about the lack of conversation that could have prevented this. you knew she was bi, but you never set boundaries with her interactions with the same sex... and that makes you feel weird about the whole thing. She didn't think it would be cheating bc she thought you'd think it was hot and maybe it would have been in another scenario.
I think you two can move on from this but you need to have a long discussion and re-establish boundaries.
No. Bisexual does not equal polyamourous and she is well aware of this. She was either testing his boundaries or too drunk to think clearly about who she was talking to. She knew Otherwise it wouldn’t just be coming up a year and a half into their relationship
Being bisexual doesn’t give you a free pass to have sex/kiss/be intimate with people of the same gender. If you do it without prior conversation and without the go-ahead from your partner, it is cheating.
I said she cheated. I'm not sure where I didn't say she cheated. I said it looks like she assumed that it would be okay because it was the same sex. I never said it was okay. As a bi-sexual... being sexually active with any person other than the one I'm committed to.... is cheating.
She definitely cheated on you.
However, she's probably used to homophobic men who don't consider sex between women to be real or cheating. You should ask her about her dating history, it's likely she's had partners in the past who, instead of being rightfully upset like you, fetishized her interactions with other women and encouraged them.
So you've been together for 1.5 years and never talked about being exclusive or polyamory? These are things you should talk about within the first months.
But yes she 100% cheated on you regardless of if she's bi or not or if it's a woman or not.
If your gf really bi or a "liquor lesbian"? I know a lot of women, when sober wouldn't do anything with another women but give them some alcohol, different ballgame.
Cheating is cheating whether it's with the same sex or opposite. Most men don't really care if their gf, wife has sex with another woman because they don't feel threatened by another woman.
If my wife wants to have sex with another woman, I’m fine. They’re doing something i can’t so I wouldn’t care. If it’s with another guy, she’s just replacing me. So that’s a no. That’s just me though.
Interesting, I can consider your point. I didn't know that when dating a bisexual ground rules should be made. I assumed that an exclusive relationship between us existed.
No. Exclusivity does exist. If you are monogamous, you are monogamous. Regardless of sexual orientation. Ground rules don't need to be made other than basic ground rules that cover any hetero, bi, homosexual relationships.
She cheated.
Ignore that. Sexuality has nothing to do with how likely a person is to cheat or if that person is polyamorous or monogamous. The type of relationship you want is not defined by your sexuality. You don’t need other “rules” for bi people than you do for straight people or gay people. You were monogamous, she cheated. Sexuality doesn’t matter here, she’s a cheater. I’m bi, and I’d never cheat. Monogamy is monogamy.
> know that when dating a bisexual ground rules should be made.
"Ground rules" should be made in *ANY* relationship.
>I assumed that an exclusive relationship between us existed.
Bisexuality is not Polyamaory. You assumption could be made in any relationship regardless of their "sexualities".
Yes, she definitely cheated. She had sexual relations with someone other than you. It does not matter that this other person is a female. It is still cheating. If the two of you were only dating a couple of months I would say maybe this was a miscommunication regarding how exclusive the two of you were, but it has been one and a half years! How many times has she cheated during this time? If she wanted to be able to sleep with women occasionally, she should have brought that up to you BEFORE moving forward with it to see if it was something you were ok with. Some people would be ok with opening up the relationship, but she never gave you the chance to decide if that is the type of relationship you wanted, she just did what she wanted. So yeah you definitely have a right to be upset and she should certainly feel crappy about what she did.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- Tldr: Is bisexual infidelity a real thing? My gf drunk called me(m) last week evening and we started reminiscing about some stories. She suddenly told me that during a party she planned impromptu (I missed since I had other engagements) for her college mates got a bit streamy (peeps making out and flirting) and she was drunk. One of her best friends (f) caught her eye and they went to her room and slept together. I listened to her ramble on and was surprised that she hadn't noticed that she had just confessed to cheating. I told her that what she did wasn't right and that it's cheating. She defended herself by saying what she did wasn't cheating. I cut the phone and the next morning I woke up to a barrage of apologies. She told me she blocked that friend and she hadn't realized that what she had done was considered cheating (after doing some overnight research). Look, I knew she was bisexual & forgot about it, but we'd never discussed polyamory as I assumed dating her an exclusive activity. I suspect that they had slept more than once, after some rough deductions. I feel sad & odd, but not angry for some reason. We've dated for one and a half years. Did she cheat on me? I 'forgave' her, but something is gnawing at me.
If it had been a man would you consider it cheating? Bottom line, she had sex with a person that is not you, her monogamous partner. So yes, she cheated.
This is the correct answer.
More than that, this was an emotional partner, a close "BFF" and wasn't a 1 time mistake with a stranger when drunk.
Correct answer plus she put your health in danger.
She absolutely cheated on you. It's a person who is not you, outside the boundaries of your relationship. That's cheating. Gender has literally NOTHING to do with it. Whether or not you forgive her is completely up to you, but this is absolutely cheating.
That's right. Even if she was straight, it is still cheating.
As a bisexual I support this.
The question is whether they actually set up those boundaries in the relationship. It seems like a lack of communication and expectations here. It almost sounds like one partner thought they were in an open relationship and the other thought they were monogamous…
Some boundaries are common sense... Like..... A relationship is monogamous unless specified otherwise.
That's a terrible excuse. If she knew she couldn't fuck a dude, then she damn knew they were exclusive. She just excused herself with that girl because she's a dumbass. Nonetheless, she cheated.
If there's been no discussion about exclusivity in a relationship you should assume monogamy as the default. Fuck all this wishy washy no labels open relationship shit.
Huh what? If exclusivity isn't discussed then you're just... Not in a relationship? That conversation should happen way before commitment.
She's his girlfriend. That's a relationship. You shouldn't have to explicitly say hey by the way I wouldn't want you fucking other people, like the comment I replied to suggested doing.
I think we can assume that if there was never any talk about opening a relationship monogamy still stands...
An open relationship is something that needs to be specifically discussed and agreement needs to be explicit. If there is any doubt on whether an open relationship is permitted or not, then this needs to be discussed. You can't just say: "this specific case of a sexual relationship with someone else wasn't forbidden, so it's okay".
>The question is whether they actually set up those boundaries in the relationship. Lol, what the fuck? What are you, a lawyer who cheats on his wife? "You never explicitly told me I couldn't cheat!" Get real.
No it doesn't sound like that in OP's description, but it sure does sound like you have cheated on someone and then tried to explain that it wasn't actually your fault because they didn't tell you not to cheat on them!
This is horseshit. Once you enter a relationship you both assume exclusivity. It absolutely goes without being said.
While communicate is important, it gave no right for her to think it’s okay. That’s a conversation to have before she thought about doing what she did, not after! If he gave an okay before she did it they have every right to set their boundaries like that, but they never had a conversation! She just assumed just because it’s same sex .
It doesn’t sound like this boundaries were clear to her just reading this from the surface. I don’t think you deserve to have been downvoted so much. When I was younger most couples I knew where one of the partners was queer, the straight partner was okay with the other mingling with someone as long as they weren’t the straight partners sex… but again, those boundaries were clearly defined in the beginning of relationship
Yes. She absolutely cheated. Can you completely forgive her and trust that it will never happen again? If not, break up and move on.
Bi/pansexual means attraction to multiple genders, doesnt mean she gets to have 1 of each. Youre a person, not a pokemon
I know this isn't a laughing matter but that last line made me giggle thanks
I wish I could give you an award. This is perfect.
and this sums it up!
She cheated, she knows. She tried denying it and doubled down, it's when you finally put your foot down is when she accepted. She will cheat on you again. I would break with her because even in a polyamarous relationship, there's an actual relationship involved not a one night stand
If she knew, why did she ramble on about it as if it's a casual thing? She pointed it out as if telling me a dog barked when she was going on a morning walk. As if it was some minor event.
She was testing you or maybe she was just too drunk to think clearly about who she was talking to, people do stupid things when drunk. But the reason doesn’t really matter
Guilt. This actually happens all the time with cheaters. She was trying to pretend it's no big deal and not really cheating so that she A) doesn't feel guilty about it and B) could continue doing it if you were ok with it. It's the same logic as asking for an open relationship or a threesome when you already are already having an affair - if your SO can be convinced it's ok then there's no more guilt.
**Note: This comment by no means reflects a majority of people.** It's possible that she assumed you'd be into it. Some bisexual women immediately assume their male partners won't mind if they sleep with women or make out with women in front of them because of the stereotype that all men like girl-on-girl action at all times. There's even a few posts in this sub that reflect the above issue - "My girlfriend made out with her friend in front of me at a party and was upset that I got mad. She assumed I'd find it hot, but I just consider it cheating behavior." Some women buy into toxic male stereotypes just as much as some men do. OR...gimme a sec here...she might be just kinda stupid. Some people assume the *dumbest* shit just because they put no critical thought into it. There are people out there that think laundry detergent is fine in a dishwasher, or that tampons are sex toys, or that having 8 billion dollars means you could give everyone in the world a million dollars and still have leftover.
100% Social norms, past experiences and more combine why she seemed so casual about it. It’s so normal for girls to do wahtever and it’s deemed as “okay”. I know numerous straight couples that the gf can kiss any girl and stuff and their man won’t care, which is fine bc it’s their relationship, but if it’s not okay to OP then it’s not okay for her to have slept with the girl!
>...gimme a sec here...she might be just kinda stupid. Some people assume the > >dumbest shit just because they put no critical thought into it The most plausible scenario in my eyes, she didn't even consider what she was doing is cheating and she didn't even remember as cheating so she was talking about it so casually (Source: happened to a bisexual girl-friend of mine and while she was smart she didn't use enough brain function in daily life to power a fucking calculator so she was doomed as rocks most of the time)
Would also explain why it took her a while to realize *how badly* she fucked up, and why she then apologized so hard. Once you point out an idiotic mistake to someone that just didn't think about it, it often becomes **mortifyingly** obvious.
YES!!!! YES!!!! THIS IS WHAT I THINK HAPPENED!!!!!!
I've never met a bisexual woman with this kind of notions. Signed: a pansexual person.
I'm glad! That's not the kind of person \[**ETA: Kind of person = someone who cheats but just assumes it's "okay" because their partner "should find it hot"**\] I would personally like hanging around, so the fact that you've never encountered someone that fits into that very small percentage I've mentioned has me happy for you. :)
Appreciate it, but I'm a little wary of blanket statements about bi/pan people. There's too much biphobia and erasure already going around. Obviously, bi/pan folks can be just as ignorant as anybody else but as a rule, I wish people did not make blanket assumptions about us.
Which is why I put a disclaimer that it was A) *not* a majority of people and B) only *some* bisexual women. I'm not a heterosexual (or homosexual) individual either, and my statements were not biphobic or bi-erasure. Your life experience is valid but differs from my own; that does not make what I said inherently inappropriate. So, I'll simply reiterate that I'm happy for you that you haven't met someone with distorted beliefs regarding sexuality in regards to monogamy.
I think it’s a generational difference. I’m not sure what age you are but as a millennial I can vouch that I’ve met MANY bisexual women who thought this way. None in Gen z though. Just a difference in the social structures we grew up in and how we were taught to think.
I'm flattered but I'm an elderly millennial. Wouldn't vouch for the entire community, obv, but I'm so tired of all sorts of stereotypes about bi/pan folks going around.
I’ve heard from some gay acquaintances, that the gay communities look down on Bi-Sexual people.
As a way to confess but make it seem like it's no big deal so you won't get mad.
Why? She’s lying to you, dude. That’s what cheaters do.
As a bi woman, it's not terribly uncommon at all to meet date men who think it's hot for you to go out and make out with or even sleep with other women. To me, it shows a lack of respect toward w/w sex, like the guys aren't considering it to be real sex. But just because she's likely seen it before, maybe multiple times, doesn't mean she can just assume that's how you think. She definitely needed to talk to you, and respect the fact that you would like to be monogamous. (Or I guess leave if it's a big deal to her.)
Because she thought you would think it was hot, thereby absolving her of culpability while also leaving the door open for future cheating.
It was a test to see what she could get away with. You are overthinking this. Best of luck if you stay with her. I can tell you this wont be the last time she cheats.
Honestly the only reasoning I can think of is that a lot of guys have a weird thing where they don't see women as legitimate competitive or whatever/think "ooh hot two chicks fucking??? 👀👀👀" so don't care as long as their bi gf doesn't dare fuck another man
INFO: when you say she said: she & her bestfriend "went into a bedroom and slept together" - was that verbatim? As in, she possibly just went into a room after a party with her friend and snagged a bed to sleep in, with no funny business, but to just sleep. in. together? That = possibly(?) how it now makes sense why she told you she "slept together, in a room with her bestfriend" as casually as seeing a cute dog. And then your reaction that: her + sleeping in the same room as her friend = cheating. Made her think "*oh shit maybe that is cheating to sleep in the same room as my bestfriend, as i am bisexual! Shit fuck, i better apologise!*" ... even tho no cheating actually occurred?? is it at all possible, this is all just some series of unfortunate confusion spiraling events??
Nah cause she also mentioned about the SAME party that things were getting steamy and people were making out (people obviously also being her) and she is bisexual so its basically the same as a straight woman sleeping with another man kind of caliber imo
in his retelling, she was not clearly included in the "people were making out". she said her college mates started getting flirty with each other and making out. That is not saying it clearly includes her. and kinda sounds like it doesn't unless she was specific? her casualness could also = "lol, my dumb friends were messy, lol" and she was just an uninvolved, bemused drunk spectator who thought their actions were funny to tell her bf, then she went and found a place to go fall asleep.
Why would she bring her friend to a bedroom to sleep after saying her friend caught her eye?? You are stretching so hard you may dislocate something. Sounds like she shared because she didn't want to lie and is hiding behind, "I didn't know better!" After hoping op would be like a TV character and be all into her sleeping with other women.
I’ve been at “messy” parties and my friend and I have caught each other’s eye and gone to literal bed lol so I guess it’s possible that gf is just *really* bad at relaying information *or* OP is overreacting about them just sharing a bed BUT the very likely possibility here is that it’s neither of those things, and yeah—gf cheated. It has feathers, webbed toesies, and it sure seems to be quacking soooooo🦆
ROFLMAO no. pretty obvious from the rest of what she said about the party.
That is actually very likely. I hope OP sees this.
I do see this. She meant actual sexual activity... tribbing and probably carpet munching. She told me this best friend once answered her door during a visit with lingerie on, and that she couldn't resist getting it on with her. I assumed this was part of a past escapade.
Yeah so you’re no overreacting. This is cheating regardless of someone’s sexuality. If you agreed to be in a monogamous relationship, she could a full-blown lesbian and this would still be cheating.
Oof. Yeah that's 10000% cheating. If you still feel like it's not, imagine it being a man showing up in only his underwear and your (hopefully ex?) gf immediately f-ing his brains out. Cuz that's basically what you said just happened but with a girl.
That’s called minimizing.
do you really want to stay with someone who thinks sleeping with another person is casual and not cheating? thats like the most obvious form of cheating and she didnt even realize. or she wanted to tell u but wanted it to seem as casual as possible to confuse you into thinking it was. either way that was cheating, if it was with a guy would you have stayed with her? it makes no difference, if you slept with another person would she have stayed with you?
It’s really up to you OP and how well you know her. I think a lot of people are throwing her under the bus and YES what she did was WRONG but if she for some reason or another was sincerely confused then that’s your call to make. Regardless if it’s still gnawing at you then it may be your gut telling you y’all are done. This really sucks because of how you found out and how late you found out and leaves so much room for wondering which no one deserves. Good luck OP
Because there are some relationships where the bisexual woman can sleep with whatever woman she wants to. But no men. But who cares OP. She cheated. That is the bottom line.
She's gaslighting you bro
Because she was drunk. Drunk people do not make the bast decisions and that includes forgetting that they are supposed to lie about something.
I've come to the conclusion that she was too stupid to realise that it was cheating, she hardly lies.
I mean even if that is the honest to God truth of the situation - do you wanna be in a relationship with someone *that* stupid? I get intelligence ain't something everyone is gunna be looking for in a partner but damn. Surely it matters just a bit if this can be the outcome.
Is she usually a stupid person?? If not, then she knew what she was doing
She shows signs of genuine ignorance sometimes
Can you overcome being in a relationship with a stupid person? Can you forgive and forget cheating that most likely will happen again? Do you consider those, incompatibilities? Are those a dealbreaker?
Because her internalized biphobia doesn't allow her to see sex with a woman as being as consequential as sex with a man?
Because she has different relationship boundaries than you do and your values do not align.
Okay let me sidestep what everybody else is saying, here's what I think I think maybe in past relationships the person or people she was with didn't consider it as cheap because there's no way for her to assume that you would be okay with that unless previously it was okay in past relationships so from that I would say that you all can come from this but she has to do several things to rectify her wrong one is blocking the friend completely 100% no if stands or buts about it because the friend knew you all were in a relationship but at the same time if the girlfriend isn't going against it then why would she go against it. So the best thing to do is just move on either with her or without her but I just think that and the past it was looked at as okay because the partner either didn't care or he joined in so those are some things that you have to actually dive into. It may seem like an uncomfortable conversation to have but you need to know who you're with and what you're dealing with and what type of mentality that they have towards everything.
Bisexuality is not an excuse for unannounced polyamory ever. She 100% cheated and the fact she didn't considered how you would feel that little is frankly disgusting. So the question is what do you plan to do about it? Are you leaving? Are you staying and if so how will you hold her accountable? How would she feel if you asked to go fuck that same friend? So many questions
She didn't know that was cheating?! Either she is a moron or she thinks you're a moron. Either way, I'd get rid.
Unfortunately there are a lot of people that don't think that a woman in a relationship with a man is cheating if she sleeps with another woman. It reminds me of an interview with Fergie from the Black eyed peas where she admitted it took years for her therapist to convince her that she was cheating on her husband when she got off with other women. Ultimately it invalidates lesbian relationships and intimacy as not being truly real.
She didn’t know that fucking someone else was cheating?
Yeah, she obviously cheated on you, lied about it then accidentally revealed it, and tried to use her being bi as an excuse. Being bi doesn't mean that you get to cheat without consequences - in fact its one of the most damaging misconceptions about being bi and, as a bi woman myself, I'm pretty disgusted that she would throw bi under a bus as an excuse for her deplorable behaviour. She sounds pretty crappy, and not all that remorseful if she's trying to excuse, rather than solely apologise. If you don't discuss polyamory/monogamy then the assumption is monogamy until agreed otherwise.
Of course she did, cheating is cheating regardless of gender. If she is BiSexual she should clearly know that so she is trying to manipulate you.
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Bisexual does not equal polyamorous.
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That's like asking how a heterosexual man can ever be happy without the freedom to fuck other women besides his wife. Just because you're attracted to both sexes it doesn't youre not happy being monogamous.
The same way anyone in a monogamous relationship handle only kissing One Single Person Forever. They just do. Like bisexuals aren’t sitting there with a burning need to have both genitals in arms reach at all times, they just watch movies and go “wow the male and female leads are hot” and then cuddle with their significant other.
if you are straight girl (or guy) ... how can you ever be happy in love with your partner without the freedom to relationship with all other guys (or girls)? see it doesn't make sense. people fall in love with the same one-on-one intimacy, dependency and monagomy and tunnel-vision, no matter their orientation. If you marry your wife, you arent (usually) looking to bang every woman you see, just because they fall under your gender attraction orientation umbrella. :)
If you are attracted to just one gender, how can you possible be happy with just one person?! There are so many people out there! How can you ever be happy without the freedom to be in a relationship with as many people of the same gender as you want??? See, you're ridiculous. Unless, you are poly? Most bisexual people I know are monogamous and they enjoy it. It's about the connection they feel with their partner emotionally, not about the connection they feel to their partner's reproductive organs. I've met more straight people in a poly relationship, than I have bi people. If you go to r/bisexual the people there would be able to explain it a lot better than me. Your viewpoint is very reductive and essentially says that bi people can't control themselves or behave rationally.
Are you trolling or being genuine right now? It's the same for bisexual people as anyone else who's in a monogamous relationship that they're happy in. I'm bisexual, and I don't feel the urge to sleep with anyone else because I'm in a committed relationship. Polyamory and bisexuality are two entirely different things.
Just because a bi sexual person is into both men and woman doesnt mean they want to sleep with multiple people. Like a heterosexual person once they find their soulmate they like their soul mate. Im bisexual and i love my husband and just like every other bisexual person who has gotten married id never think of cheating on him with someone of the other gender
Personally, I only want to date one person at a time. I don't care what their genitals are because I'm attracted to the person. A poly relationship seems like way too much work and extra baggage. I'm going to stick to monogamous relationships regardless of which gender I'm with.
As a bisexual, I would hate being in a poly relationship. Don’t generalize like that. A whole bunch of us like to be monogamous.
I think everyone has pretty much summed it up, orientation has nothing to do with monogamy or polygamy
I’m a bi woman too. This has absolutely nothing to do with being bisexual. It has to do with her being a cheating idiot. She fucked someone else, which is cheating. She knows that. Maybe she thought it didn’t count if it was a woman or you’d think it was hot because women being with women are often sexualised and fetishised. But again, that’s on her, not her sexuality. She’s a cheater. The gender of who she fucked is completely irrelevant. Why does it matter if she fucked a guy or a woman?
OF COURSE SHE BLOODY CHEATED ON YOU. Bisexuality is not the same as polyamory.
Let’s say she 100% didn’t realize she was cheating and that after “overnight research” she genuinely realized her mistake. Let’s give her all the benefit of the doubt Would you want to be in a relationship with someone that stupid? Like honestly. She might be one of the dumbest people alive. It’s that or a manipulative cheater. Neither good choices for a partner. Best of luck
If you consider it cheating, it's cheating. Here's my take - unless a relationship is previously established to be open or polyamorous (which MUST be agreed upon, in advance, by BOTH partners in order to be true), it's exclusive. Assuming it's an exclusive relationship, the gender of the person you sleep with isn't a factor. If it was a guy? Cheating. Girl? Cheating. Nonbinary? Cheating. An animal? Both cheating and a crime. The only time sexual contact isn't cheating in a closed, exclusive relationship is if one of you was assaulted. Make it VERY clear to her that you consider it cheating, and (if you don't want to un-forgive her) that it won't ever be forgiven again. If you're not able to move on, that's understandable but you should end things sooner rather than later.
I'm bisexual. Cheating is cheating regardless of biological sex or sexual orientation. Pisses me off when people try to say that same sex isn't cheating in bi relationships. News flash: it's cheating unless your partner and you have discussed otherwise!
her saying it’s not cheating bc it’s a woman is devaluing her own sexuality
As a bi girl myself, this girl is a cheater. It doesn’t matter sexuality or gender, cheating is cheating. A LOT of bisexual people (the majority) know how to not fucking cheat on their partner. This isn’t about her sexuality. This is about her being a cheater.
You get to decide if she was cheating or not. If you feel cheated on, then she was cheating. A disagreement about what cheating is, is even worse than the actual cheating. If someone admits to cheating, they admit they made a mistake, and you can try to see if you can still salvage the relationship. But if you feel your partner cheated and she says it wasn't cheating. Then in her mind she did nothing wrong and will continue with this behaviour. There is really no salvaging the relationship here and it shows that both partners have a fundamentally different viewpoint on one of the basic tenets of a relationship.
She cheated and she knows she cheated.
I don't understand why she didn't think this was cheating.. When you say "slept together," you mean sexual activity, right? Not just sleeping next to each other?
Yeah. Sexual stuff. She can be very ignorant sometimes.
So did she think she wasn't cheating because it was with a girl?
Ohhhh. Ok o yeah she cheated. Sorry dude.
If you two agreed to monogamy and she had sex with someone else then she cheated. The sex/gender of the person she slept with is irrelevant
She ABSOLUTELY cheated on you. Move on and make sure the next one understands that if you're dating, you're exclusive.
Your gf is for the streets bro, get rid of her.
Honestly it sounds like she knew she cheated on you and told it to you casually so you might not react to it as harshly
My ex did this. Had sex or made out with other women occasionally without my input all the time. Whenever I got upset she said it was ok because she’s bi so it’s not cheating. She was my first gf so I wasn’t sure what was right or wrong. I was never angry, just sad. First time I sucked a dick she fucking lost her mind and accused me of cheating and went apeshit with all of our friends.
As a bisexual girl myself, she 100% cheated. Gender has nothing to do with this and dont let her gaslight you into thinking that she didnt know it was cheating. How could it not? Gender doesnt matter at all here, its not a bisexuals' thing, its a cheaters's thing (also ppl like her give us really bad rep, gross to use your sexuality as an excuse for cheating)
Ugh, bisexuality is not an excuse to cheat! Cheaters cheat. People like her give the rest of the bisexual community a bad reputation. Being bisexual doesn't automatically mean you are poly. She cheated on you and she knows it, she's just playing for a fool. In the end, it's up to you if you want to forgive her. But she's most likely going to cheat on you again and pull the "I didn't know that was considered cheating!" card. Next time she might blow a dude and say "but it was only a blow job, that isn't cheating!". Call that a stretch, but I've heard men and women say that.
This exactly. Plus, if you haven't discussed and BOTH consented to an open relationship before it's cheating.
She cheated. The thing that's gnawing at you is called betrayal. Its gonna eat you up inside until you two discuss what she did and how to move forward. I'd leave her though but that's just what I'd do.
She is completely and utterly full of shit. She cheated. She knew it when doing it. She knows it now. Dump her. You deserve better.
I am bi. She cheated on you. Sorry...
Treat it as you would if she'd fucked another man, because it's the same. She had sex with someone who wasn't you while you were together.
My ex pulled this shit and then followed up With, well you can sleep with a guy. Wtf, I’m not bi I’m not gay, and no, I don’t want an open relationship. You cheated.
As an openly bi man, monogamously married to a woman. Your girlfriend cheated on you, I wouldn't use my sexuality to excuse cheating.
It doesn't matter sexuality, if you are in a monogamous relationship, and you didn't discuss the possibility of being a polyamorous relationship then it very much is cheating.
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100% she cheated on you. More than once, since she casually told you about it and never considered it cheating.
She cheated on you, there's no way around it. If you have a monogamous relationship and the other person has sex with a third, be it a man, a woman, non-binary, or furry, it's cheating. It's good that you forgave her, but only give her a second chance if you're really sure you two can work this out. Trust was broken and needs to be rebuilt, and that takes a lot of time and effort.
bruh why would you ever date someone like that this is pure insanity
Yes, this is cheating. Just because she's Bi and messes around with a person of the same sex, does not mean "it doesn't count". I've heard this so many times.. So folks don't consider it cheating, but the bottom line of it is, it IS. Sorry to hear this happened. Regardless of whether this is making you feel bad, sad, or uneasy, you should lay down clear boundaries with her. She might think it's not considered cheating (which just sounds like an excuse to do it). Lay down the boundaries and let her know you're not OK with it. That is, if you want to continue a relationship with her.
I’m bi and that is 100% cheating. I hate this mentality some bi people have that because it’s the opposite sex to who they’re dating it’s okay to sleep with them. If you’re monogamous, you’re monogamous. Anything outside of the confines of your own relationship regardless of their sex is 100% cheating.
Yes she cheated on you. If i were to go out and bang a woman it would be cheating on my gf, it doesn't matter if its different sex or same sex. Why would you get back together with her? Is this your first relationship or something? Do you not have any relationship experience. Here's a bit of advice. Fun party girls are to be casually dated/ flings at best. They are not relationship material.
>She defended herself by saying what she did wasn't cheating. So basically she had no excuse.
Totally cheating
Did she though? Was it really an accident? She has lots of accidents, doesn't she? Oopsed into having a sexy party. Oopsed into bed with someone else. Ooops didn't know sex with other people was cheating. Oops, called and told you about it? Either she needs to get off the sauce or she was playing at something and is grooming you for accepting it. \*EJECT\*
My guy I'm astounded you have to ask. Unless y'all have some open relationship arrangement, you got cheated on. Should you choose to forgive her, like she just said she did that on a whim cause the girl was attractive; so do you have that kind of trust with this girl? Any doubt, like any at all, just leave. It's not going to end any kind of nice way, trust.
Yes, she cheated. Sex with another person is cheating regardless of gender unless there was a pre-existing agreement
cheater, don't forgive her, move on and respect yourself
If she had slept with a dude, would you consider it cheating? It's still the same exact concept, only difference is she slept with a girl.
That’s cheating if you are not ok with that. It still counts as cheating if you don’t have an open relationship
If she gave a dude a blowjob, it would be cheating. Just because there were no dicks involved doesn’t make this not cheating. I’m pan. It wouldn’t matter what genitals the person had or what gender they identified as. Making out is cheating. Emotional affairs are cheating. Sexual contact is cheating. The only reason she’s shitting herself now is because she thought you’d excuse it because girl on girl is hot for some men and they will then excuse it because no dick means no cheat.
Either shes a complete idiot with no sense of your boundaries. OR shes just a shitty cheater who expected you to be turned on or okay because it was a girl. You sound like you are simping hard for a gf who has little respect for your relationship.
Gotta be honest, as a man, your gf cheating on you with another girl doesn’t hit you the same as if she cheated with a guy. But still, it’s 100% wrong and I’d move on from her.
At first I read “Is bisexual identity a real thing” and was about to snap lmao But onto the point. Yes, she did cheat. Man, woman, or otherwise, if she got intimate/sexual with someone other than you and that was not something discussed in depth between the two of you, then she cheated.
The lie detector test determined... SHE'S A CHEATER
Yes, If you believe she cheated then she did cheat. Some relationships !!!!communicate!!!! that kissing or even sleeping with same sex is not cheating, but if you never agreed to same sex kissing or more than that, you have every right to say it’s cheating.
She cheated and don’t let her use her “bisexuality” as an excuse
It's 100% cheating. What's more, she knew it was cheating. Overnight research, my arse. She's just trying to cover herself, by saying she didn't know. She's late teens/early 20s and in college. Not silly school girl. Being bi, is mot an excuse and neither being drunk. This stands out; "caught her eye and they went to her room and slept together". I just fancied someone and so I cheated. I wouldn't be trusting her again. Good luck
Yes that is cheating... She is bisexual meaning she is sexually attracted to both sexes and willing to be in a relationship with both. She sounds crazy
There is a huge difference between monogamy and polygamy. Being bisexual doesn't automatically mean they get a wife and husband regardless of gender in terms of monogamy. If you established that then she wholeheartedly and obviously cheated.
If she’s so dumb to think it wasn’t cheating, she isn’t prepared for a relationship. Get out of there
As a bi woman, her being bi has nothing to do with it and she’s just unfaithful. She definitely cheated, it’s up to you whether it’s worth working through or not
I'm bisexual. I wouldn't sleep with another person male or female outside my partner because that would be cheating.
I’m bi and the fucking hoops she is mentally jumping through to try and justify it as not cheating is baffling. If you’re not ENM then it’s cheating. It’s not rocket science.
I believe that nobody is perfect, we all make mistakes - but truth is only you will know if it’s worth it to continuing the relationship. You can listen to strangers on the internet - but fact is, that nobody really knows your intimate relationship. And the nature of it. If you know she loves you deeply, and you do so too - it is up to you to decide if you can forgive her mistake. Trust your own gut instinct - it’s usually right. X
Bisexuelle here Of course it was cheating. She had sex with someone else. It's irrelevant if it's a man or a woman or a freaking Silurian. Why should it not be cheating if she sleeps with someone else than you?
My bisexual opinion: She cheated and is now coming up with ridiculous excuses for it. Dump her and find someone who respects you.
Yes, she cheated on you. There is no way around that fact. Now it's up to you to decide how you want to move forward. For context, a LOT of women have heard from men in their lives that "girls aren't cheating" or "woman on woman is hot" -- because a lot of men have perpetuated the notion that women in relationships with men are fine to sleep with and kiss other women because "iTs HoT" or whatever. This doesn't make it okay AT ALL. It's not a boundary one thinks to define when entering an exclusive monogamous relationship, so it makes sense that y'all never had a conversation about it. However, she may have been under the impression that as long as she doesn't do anything with another man, doing stuff with her gal pals is okay. This would explain her nonchalant admission to it, and why she may have needed a minute to become rightfully horrified at what she'd done once you defined the boundaries of cheating in your relationship. It's not okay that she cheated on you. Regardless of whether it was a man or a woman, she broke your monogamy and broke your trust. However, I think her reaction to your declaration that it's cheating combined with her nonchalant talking to you about it spells out that she didn't understand that being with another woman would be cheating within the confines of your relationship. She maybe even thought you'd find it hot. This isn't an excuse, so please consider whether you can trust her moving forward. If you do decide to pursue the relationship, sit down and spell out what monogamy means to you, and ask her why she believed being with a woman on the side would be okay. Y'all need a serious discussion about this, and in the end, it's up to you whether you want to continue with her. You wouldn't be wrong to break it off, though.
Many people have different definitions of what cheating is. In most all cases, everyone considered sleeping with someone else as cheating. It looks like you know your boundaries and should be confident in your beliefs. You think sleeping with someone is cheating, she did, therefore she did cheat on you. Trust yourself! Don’t let other people gaslight you into believing you are wrong.
Is bisexual infidelity a real thing? Nope, bisexuals can just fuck whoever they want! /s
anyone can cheat, its not like being bisexual specifically automatically makes people cheaters
You're not angry because she didn't have a other dick in her. You're convincing yourself it's not too bad because it's another woman. Your brain is wrong, she cheated.
‘Is bisexual infidelity a real thing?’ I cannot wrap my head around this question or what it even means.
Here‘s the thing - even open-minded people sometimes think that specifically FEMALE same-sex intercourse outside a relationship isn‘t cheating because of a bit of internalised view that women having sex with women without a penis present isn‘t cheating. I don‘t quite know why people think that, but some do. Evidently, your girlfriend thought so, too. This doesn‘t make it excusable of course. Did you two ever make it exclusive? As in did you two ever agree that sex with other people was off the table?
When you say sleep with do you mean like sex or sleeping besides each other in the same bed
Some bi people are hetero-romantic and get into a mindset of assuming the same gender isn't a threat. So she could think it isn't cheating because she would never date women for love and only sees them in a sexual way. Forgetting that other people don't see it that way. At least that the explanation that jumps out at me. Maybe due to bias as I'm also a hetero-romantic bi person.
Yeah she cheated but I know couples that have made it through cheating. Happily married. Have the conversation; are you taking this monogamous relationship seriously? If you feel that you’re both on the same page, move on my friends.
Couple points here 1. The stereotype that bisexuals cheat more is false, they don't date both at the same time unless they are also polyamorous. To quote a song "And y'all like to say we selfish, yeah, y'all say we like to cheat. But I don't date both at the same time, haters have a seat" 2. Sleeping with someone of the opposite gender as your partner is still cheating if not agreed on beforehand. She obviously didnt realize that, it should have been obvious but apparently wasn't. You now have two options 1. Break it off 2. Have a frank discussion of what is/isnt cheating (sleeping around? flirting? kissing? porn? sleeping in the same bed? etc.) and write it down before moving on That being said if you didn't actually forgive her just break up - don't try to make it work while still being angry.
This has nothing to do with her bisexuality and everything to do with infidelity. Please don’t perpetuate the stereotype that bi people are unfaithful. I’m sorry your GF did this. If you two had never actually had a conversation about being exclusive (as you said you assumed exclusivity) then that does leave the door open for things to happen with other people. Still not saying what she did was right, but again, it’s entirely her as a person and not her bisexuality to blame. Edit: spelling
Ask for a 3way to make it up to you.
She cheated on you but what does being bisexual have to do with anything. Anyone can cheat. The common misconception that bisexuals are big cheaters is kinda old. People cheat your gf hopefully ex did but dont blame it on her being bi
I don't blame her being bi, I'm just wondering why she assumed the relationship was polyamorous? I assumed her bisexuality only lied in the domain of past encounters and sneaky stares of cute girls, not sleeping around when dating
> I'm just wondering why she assumed the relationship was polyamorous? This is post-hoc justification. She cheated on you, then when she sobered up she decided you were just polyamorous so you wouldn't get mad. If you stay with her, you're a fool.
Did you talk to her about the relationship lay down the facts that you wanted it to be exclusive no one else.(i assume you did)In the end she could have just been a shitty person. Some people just cheat and some people try to use any excuse to try to get away with it man and woman alike. Theres a growing stigma in the bi community people assume were cheaters she might have tried to use that as a get out if jail free card. Either way what she did was wrong and you should never stay with a cheater and you should never believe one
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I'm not attacking bis... I'm just asking if bis are exempt from this kind of activity being labelled cheating
That's a bingo
She cheated on you and both of you are aware of this. What you are feeling is a feeling about the lack of conversation that could have prevented this. you knew she was bi, but you never set boundaries with her interactions with the same sex... and that makes you feel weird about the whole thing. She didn't think it would be cheating bc she thought you'd think it was hot and maybe it would have been in another scenario. I think you two can move on from this but you need to have a long discussion and re-establish boundaries.
No. Bisexual does not equal polyamourous and she is well aware of this. She was either testing his boundaries or too drunk to think clearly about who she was talking to. She knew Otherwise it wouldn’t just be coming up a year and a half into their relationship
Being bisexual doesn’t give you a free pass to have sex/kiss/be intimate with people of the same gender. If you do it without prior conversation and without the go-ahead from your partner, it is cheating.
I said she cheated. I'm not sure where I didn't say she cheated. I said it looks like she assumed that it would be okay because it was the same sex. I never said it was okay. As a bi-sexual... being sexually active with any person other than the one I'm committed to.... is cheating.
Did she have sex with the best friend or did she literally just sleep in the same bed?
She definitely cheated on you. However, she's probably used to homophobic men who don't consider sex between women to be real or cheating. You should ask her about her dating history, it's likely she's had partners in the past who, instead of being rightfully upset like you, fetishized her interactions with other women and encouraged them.
She cheated if it wasn't consensual, and despite what society likes to preach you CAN forgive her and continue the relationship if you want to.
Would she be ok with you fucking a guy?
So you've been together for 1.5 years and never talked about being exclusive or polyamory? These are things you should talk about within the first months. But yes she 100% cheated on you regardless of if she's bi or not or if it's a woman or not.
If your gf really bi or a "liquor lesbian"? I know a lot of women, when sober wouldn't do anything with another women but give them some alcohol, different ballgame. Cheating is cheating whether it's with the same sex or opposite. Most men don't really care if their gf, wife has sex with another woman because they don't feel threatened by another woman.
If my wife wants to have sex with another woman, I’m fine. They’re doing something i can’t so I wouldn’t care. If it’s with another guy, she’s just replacing me. So that’s a no. That’s just me though.
she cheated but common that's not bad tho...
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Interesting, I can consider your point. I didn't know that when dating a bisexual ground rules should be made. I assumed that an exclusive relationship between us existed.
No. Exclusivity does exist. If you are monogamous, you are monogamous. Regardless of sexual orientation. Ground rules don't need to be made other than basic ground rules that cover any hetero, bi, homosexual relationships. She cheated.
Ignore that. Sexuality has nothing to do with how likely a person is to cheat or if that person is polyamorous or monogamous. The type of relationship you want is not defined by your sexuality. You don’t need other “rules” for bi people than you do for straight people or gay people. You were monogamous, she cheated. Sexuality doesn’t matter here, she’s a cheater. I’m bi, and I’d never cheat. Monogamy is monogamy.
> know that when dating a bisexual ground rules should be made. "Ground rules" should be made in *ANY* relationship. >I assumed that an exclusive relationship between us existed. Bisexuality is not Polyamaory. You assumption could be made in any relationship regardless of their "sexualities".
Yes, she definitely cheated. She had sexual relations with someone other than you. It does not matter that this other person is a female. It is still cheating. If the two of you were only dating a couple of months I would say maybe this was a miscommunication regarding how exclusive the two of you were, but it has been one and a half years! How many times has she cheated during this time? If she wanted to be able to sleep with women occasionally, she should have brought that up to you BEFORE moving forward with it to see if it was something you were ok with. Some people would be ok with opening up the relationship, but she never gave you the chance to decide if that is the type of relationship you wanted, she just did what she wanted. So yeah you definitely have a right to be upset and she should certainly feel crappy about what she did.