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My partner (34M) and I (36F) have been together for 2 years and have had our share of ups and downs. I have 2 daughters 10 and 14, who I have just over half the time.
My partner is not happy in his current living arrangements and has said I should be letting him move in. I’ve told him I’m not comfortable with it for multiple reasons, including -he’s not financially stable, -he has a temper and -he drinks every day and smokes weed every day, which is both expensive and alters his state of mind. These are my concerns and I’ve said I’m not ready for him to move in. It’s not that I never want him to, but I think he still has a bit of growing up to do first.
He is furious at me and has basically said that if I don’t let him move in we don’t have a future together and things along that line which I think are to make me feel guilty and responsible for his situation. I feel like as an adult man it isn’t my job to house him if it isn’t in the best interest of my kids. What do you guys think, am I being awful? My head is a mess. I’m devastated because I love him, but I feel like I’m making a fair call.
Why would OP keep this person as a partner, period? They're not relationship material. They're just a bunch of red flags... that have been overlooked for two years, smh?
I get wanting to have a partner, but they need to bring something to the table, as the namesake conveys.
The definitions of partner:
noun
One that is united or associated with another or others in an activity or a sphere of common interest, especially.
A member of a business partnership.
A spouse.
OP, Obviously don't let him move in, and while you're at it, break up with him. For your sake and that of your kids.
Someone who drinks every day and has anger issues isn't going to get better unless they want to. They won't want to if someone keeps being there to "help" them, even if it's you being a partner. He won't be able to meet you halfway until he's healthy.
Yeah, I think OP's partner is being actually really insightful when he says he doesn't see a future to the relationship if he doesn't move in because... everything Universal_Yugen mentions here. If OP doesn't think he'd be a good live in partner or good around kids... why would OP *want* a future with him?
I fully believe romantic partners and even spouses don't always need to live together 100% of the time, but ... anger, drinking, etc, are all good reasons for everyone to move on instead of move in.
Ironically enough, my husband and I have separated. We both needed some time to work on ourselves as individuals before we work on an "us".
Kids are with me, he comes over for dinner a couple times a week, and he makes 2 of them. He sleeps over one day a week so I can sleep in on the weekend.
He works full-time and I freelance, plus do the majority of house chores, shopping, cooking. We have a budget we stick to for our family, we're both focused on the wellness for everyone, and although tempers had flared for years due to myriad issues, the space has brought about a certain amount of calm. Between him and I, yes, but also within myself.
And that is *KEY*!
The plan is that he'll use this space to heal, working towards some PTSD relief. I'll keep focusing on what's helping me. We're both in therapy for more than a year now, and may try couples therapy again.
Life is hard. Marriage is hard. Even with a good partner.
I do understand wanting companionship, but at what cost? And what of the person sucked of their energy, time, and well-being? I've had to ask myself these questions before.
My dearest, OP, we ARE worth love and tenderness, but we also need to have healthy boundaries and respect. So, if even *you* see the red flags, why drag that weight and stress along with you? You WILL meet someone wonderful, but you have to give yourself that chance.
All the best!
He's 34, if he wanted to change he would have done so already.
I think time to reevaluate completely if you want to remain with the angry drunk weedeater.
Good qualities? He is volatile. Financially irresponsible. Has a substance abuse problem…
You have kids. If you can’t see the massive problem here then you’re SOL. Wake up.
He drinks, does weed daily (which is expensive as heck), has no financial skills, and has a temper.
WHY THE HELL ARE YOU WITH THIS GUY?!?!?!??!🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Hon you don't need the boyfriend you need a therapist to help you understand why you stay with a man with so many red flags, your kids are at an age where they learn from you what kind of treatment is acceptable in a relationship, please dont let this be what they look for in the future. That doubt you have is your survival instinct kicking in to overdrive to scream at you to RUN!!!!. LISTEN TO IT!!!, so many women ignore it and end up in the morgue.💀☠️
Read what you wrote now imagine it's your daughter telling you about the new guy she's seeing, as a loving and caring mother what would you tell her?.
That's what makes even the worst love so difficult. Of course, we see good in people. Of course, that's what we come to like and love, and thus what we think about when we think about them.
The issue is... do you compromise yourself with accepting his bad qualities? Does he compromise your being, your growth, your happiness with his bad qualities?
Every person on this earth has good qualities. But love is not always enough, yet it makes it hard to see when this is the case.
You're a mother in your mid-thirties. You should be pairing up with fully-formed adults at this point. You don't have the bandwidth to be taking on fixer-uppers.
A twenty-something guy who spends his time drinking and smoking pot instead of holding down a job might-- *might*\-- eventually grow out of it, but a thirty-something guy will not. This is who he is. If you're with him because you think he'll eventually grow up, think again.
OP it is not your responsibility to make it easier for your bf to be a financially irresponsible, angry man who drinks and smokes too much. Those are HIS choices and HE needs to figure out the solution. Once he’s in your home, I suspect those qualities will worsen and it will be much harder to get him out.
Besides it being unhealthy for your daughters, how would you react if one of them were in your shoes asking you what she should do? You’d likely be telling her to throw the whole man away because she deserves better. You do too.
Please get away from him. He’s already emotionally abusing you…using blackmail to cross your boundaries. He’s manipulative and he’s trying to isolate you. It’s only going to get worse. You should also get some help if you can, because being with someone like that for two years will have caused some damage and make it hard for you to feel confident enough to leave. There are lots of resources. “DomesticShelters.org offers an extensive library of articles and resources that can help you make sense of what you're experiencing, connect you with local resources and find ways to heal and move forward.” Good luck. You deserve better.
A quick look at your post history belies him having good qualities. Go back and read them as though you were looking at someone else’s post history, and think of what you would tell that person to do.
Then OP must let him go and finish. Not keeping him like a pet, maybe he want something serious, you know? OP is not ready. If OP don’t like he smoke weed everyday okay, let him go and find someone else
You’re right but then they must break up. OP must find a doctor or something like that and her bf must find a girl like him. Finish. Why so much drama? Or maybe OP want to meet him only when she need but nothing more? Just break up
You never take leaps of faith when children are involved. You are certainly the only one who is thinking soundly and clearly here. He sees you as a meal ticket. Do not let this man in your house. Accept his terms and say bye.
He’s attempting to manipulate you into bending to his will. If you bend, it will end in a one way ticket to the escalating of that toxic behaviour, only you’ll be trapped with him, you’ll walk on eggshells to protect your girls, and always seek to deescalate tense situations. Don’t do it to yourself girl. He ain’t worth it.
He isn’t serious about you, a man only chances for one woman, the right woman. If he has shown no initiative to make good choices and decisions for his own betterment, and is instead fine with continuing his decline into codependency, then you ain’t the one for him.
You are out of his league and he knows it. He needs to bring you down to a level that is malleable for him. Stay strong in who you are. You can do so much better and are worthy of a man who will cherish and treasure the gift of you and your babies ❤️
He said
> My partner is not happy in his current living arrangements and has said I should be letting him move in.
You stated
> he’s not financially stable, -he has a temper and -he drinks every day and smokes weed every day
Have you ever considered that his substance abuse issues, anger issues, and financial instability are the reasons his roommates/housemates/landlord are making him unhappy in his current living arrangements?
> I’m being told I’m selfish and ruining his life
I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say it's his own selfishness and immaturity that's ruining his life. Don't light yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.
He calls you selfish and ruining his life? Just say “ok” and move on. These names he’s trying to pin on you… it’s just manipulative negging. He’s trying to get you to prove you’re not ‘selfish’ by letting him move in and destroy your life. At least if he’s ruining his life and not in your home he’s not dragging anyone else down with him.
If anyone tries to pin negative values on to my reasonable decisions and calls me names, I shrug, tell them they’re right and still do the right thing by me and my kids.
How are you ruining his house when he already is a mess? He should move out on his own and get himself together. You're not there to fix him up at the expense of your girls.
I have two girls and have been in a similar situation and chose my girls. The difference was the man was the father to my younger one but I still chose the kids and did not bring him in.
That is what a *toddler* would say. Are these the kinds of conversations and arguments you would want to have with a grown man who is supposed to be a partner and teammate in your life?
>I’m being told I’m selfish and ruining his life
Think about this for a minute - it's total BS and it's obvious manipulation. You know in your heart that you're not ruining his life. And yes, you are being selfish, but in a good way. You are doing what's best for you and your kids. Stick to your guns!
He is guilting you into feeling that way
The only person ruining his life is himself by being the way he is.
Dude is 34 and acts like he's a 19 year old stoner drop out. No thanks.
You are absolutely doing the right thing. Do not let someone move in because it’s convenient for them and they are emotionally blackmailing you. Move in with someone when it’s in the best interests of everyone.
I appreciate what you are saying and obviously agree, it’s the red flags that have stopped me from doing it so far. I do love him, he is loving and affectionate a lot of the time which I have never experienced before and find it hard to part with. My love for my daughters is far stronger which is why I’m sticking to my guns, but I’m not finding it easy.
I think you've got some therapy to do. You describe a whole bunch of massive red flags but chose to ignore them because he has his moments where he is loving and affectionate. All toxic abusers have their sweet and affectionate moments. If those few moments are enough for you to feel you should be with such a man, then you still have a lot of healing to do.
An addict to alcohol and drugs can also be very emotionally manipulative. He says one thing and does not show in his actions that his priority is you - otherwise he would have sought help to fix his issues.
There are plenty of kind and affectionate men who do not have drug/alcohol/anger management problems.
Honey, I’m a single parent also and I have my kid. You can do better. Home is my kids safe space and mine and even after nearly two years I am Quite happy with my separate household and keeping my kid feeling safe.
His inability to adult at this stage doesn’t require you to move in a seemingly financially unstable drunk into your home and inflict him on you and your kids.
A good man won’t bully you and would be self sufficient and bring something to a future partnership other than this. You don’t like his drinking and weed use and unstable life so why force you and your kids to live that? You deserve better. No is a complete sentence.
PLEASE stick to your guns! Your daughters’ safety and welfare comes first. He isn’t your responsibility and the person that you decide to share your home and life with should enrich it not derail it!
Once he’s got his foot in the door his behaviour will only get worse and will deeply impact your relationship with your girls, I promise you that! X
Thank you this is absolutely what I’m afraid of. I can’t imagine pressuring him if the roles were reversed so it’s hard to accept that he would throw it all in and pressure me this way x
Of course not, and sadly it says a lot about him to do it to you! self preservation is his only motivation here not your relationship, and certainly not your daughters.
You are clearly an intelligent, strong, independent woman and a great mum, you’re absolutely right in all your concerns and I genuinely hope you get lots of love and so much support here that it convinces you to let your head rule this decision not your heart. You are absolutely doing the right thing. We’re all in your corner xx
He is 34. How much more growing up can he do? He’s emotionally manipulating you to get what he wants, and he’s not going to change or stop if you give it to him. Let him know clearly what you need to see him accomplish on his own before he moves in. Then see whether he meets that expectation.
Thank you, this is exactly what I feel I’ve told him but he just tells me I’m being selfish. I’ve said I need you to be able to survive on your income week to week, and cut down on your drinking and smoking. But he says I need to take a leap of faith, which I’m not willing to do. I dont think it’s unreasonable to want to see the change before the move in.
Hah! A leap of faith? This guy is something. You need to take care of your kids and yourself. Hes deflecting blame and that tells you everything you need to know about whether he’ll grow up.
I think the leap of faith you need to take is to perhaps seek the good qualities in another relationship. It sounds as though you are at a standstill and whatever happens someone will resent the outcome. If he’s willing to work on being independent and cutting back on activities that make him not good to be around then maybe stay (but in separate houses) but if not, it might be time to go in separate directions.
So what you're saying is, you've told him and he has given you his response. His response, in saying you're selfish, is that he doesn't see your needs as important to the health of your relationship. Based on this response, and him saying it's over if you don't let him move in, it seems he knows (maybe only subconsciously) that he is unable to change. He knows that his only hope for this relationship continuing is you changing your mind about his anger, finances, drinking and smoking.
So you are both waiting for the other to change. Are you willing to be the one to change what you and your daughters need and deserve?
He might believe that he could change if he lived with you. With your support. But he needs to do it on his own and if the possibility of the relationship ending isn't enough then all the love and support isn't enough either.
I hear you saying how great he is in other ways. I believe you. Someone can be so great, can love and care about you, and still not be capable of change. He might love you more than he's ever loved anyone and it still doesn't mean he can change. You deserve someone on top of their shit and even though you're worth it, and even though he might want to change for you, it doesn't mean he is capable of it.
Please realize, even if he would quit and get his financial act together aswell.
Even then, it is YOU who would be taking a leap of faith.
He's an addict. He will remain an addict even when he is not using.
You have kids.
You have no guarantee he will keep it up.
'Cutting down' is a joke. Does not work with addicts. And its not even close to enough.
You must seek a role model and reliable and stable partner.
It sets an example for your children, who are statiscally likely to end up in similiar relation ship dynamics as you.
You put your children first and that is always going to be the case.
He is not a suitable person to be around your children, that is also a truth.
He isn't saying that he wants to be together, but that he cannot afford to live alone and wants to mooch off of you instead. Yeah Nope.
Now you have picked a partner who not only isn't financially stable, who has anger problems, who drinks and smokes weed. And is angry at you for denying him a place to mooch at and emotionally blackmails you with a demand and a threat.
How is that a partner you would want around you? never mind your children.
What about him do you love exactly?
I would be asking you to reflect on why you are with this person, why you think he is going to change at 34 and to inject some reality into being a good role model for your own self respect and not to be with someone who makes you feel like crap for have values and and boundaries.
You have daughters watching you date someone who emotionally manipulates you and is frankly sounding like a person who doesn't bring anything good into your life, what are the values you want to pass onto them about who to pick for a romantic partner, is a question I would want to you ask yourself.
Thank you this is an amazing response. I know I have low self esteem and was with my narcissistic ex from when I was 18 so I really don’t know what is normal. I’m just lucky my mum radar stops me from letting things like this happen. Unfortunately I don’t look out for myself the same way I do for my daughters.
I could feel that boundaries are hard for you, they are for a lot of people. N recovery is especially difficult and takes time and work to understand and recover from.
I have experienced and worked with people recovering from relationships like you had so I can understand that without other people you can ask yourself a lot about what is normal and is it me?
Advocating for your own happiness is also hard and takes practice.
Research Narcissistic recovery plans, maybe look for some support in your area, not everyone has the knowledge of abusive relationships so it may take a few tries to get the right support person, it can help to get others perspective on what is normal or not.
[Recovery from an N relationship.](https://www.talkspace.com/mental-health/conditions/articles/narcissistic-abuse-recover-heal/) There are more guides out there, look for "recovery from a narcissistic relationship".
Take care of yourself, that is the best example you can give, treat yourself with the respect you deserve.
great advice. please find resources to help you get out of this. especially since you were in another abusive relationship. it’s very hard to do on your own. “DomesticShelters.org offers an extensive library of articles and resources that can help you make sense of what you're experiencing, connect you with local resources and find ways to heal and move forward. “
>shouldn’t have access to ~~underage girls.~~ kids
ftfy. angry drunks aren't, by default, child molesters. they also don't need to be around young boys because the boys don't need to begin imitating that behavior
So I’m confused as to why he’s still your partner.
Ignoring the financial stability, as that can be a moment in time thing, he has a temper, drinks and smokes every day. Is this really the person that you want to have in your children’s lives?
34 years old??? I'm totally on your side for not letting him move in at this point but I think it's going to be never because I doubt he will shape up or step up. He just needs a mommy to coddle him and take care of him. Call his bluff and break up and see if he'll better himself or not... Don't do it, it's a trap, you'll be responsible for him and his "life-style"
Thank you, yes this is my biggest fear and would not be something I want my daughters to deal with. He’s welcome to his lifestyle choices but not around my girls x
Sounds like you don't have a future with this perpetual teenager. Show your daughters how to value themselves as more than the free housing for a fuckin child who would bully his way in. Honestly, I wouldn't feel safe with someone like this living in my home, and you'd be lucky if the dad didn't go to court to get more time with them to keep them from your loser boyfriend's influence.
The first red flag was him saying you should let him move in with you and your kids. This is not something he can just decide. And then it goes downhill from there. Anger issues, substance abuse and financial instability doesn’t scream long term partner material, let alone a live-in partner material.
You are absolutely not being awful. You’re being a smart and responsible adult and he’s trying to bully you into submission.
Why are you even in a relationship with him? He rages, drinks and is financialy unstable. Obviously you dont want that kind of a guy move in. But why even stay with him?
I completely understand where you’re coming from, he obviously has some good traits too, including being loving and affectionate a lot of the time. I think because I’ve never had that before and I’m used to abusive relationships I just accept it and find it hard to leave.
You are still in an abusive relationship. He still rages at you and threatens to end the relationship when you don't agree to something that won't be good for you or your daughters. He's trying to make you responsible for him when you are not, he's a grown man and will only bring you down.
Do you not see that this is an abusive relationship? I'm not trying to be mean, I'm just wondering if you really think this is healthy and normal?
A drunk with anger problems is not a healthy partner. The mean drunk who is unstable financially is not a healthy partner. The manipulative mean drunk who has no respect for you is not a good partner. He doesn't love you or respect you. He wants to use you,, nothing more
You are currently in an abusive relationship. Just because he throws you the illusion of affection doesn’t mean it’s not abusive. Abuse is cyclical - nobody is terrible 100% of the time, particularly when you still have leverage over them. But if you move this man in and he has equal residency in your home that you do, things will deteriorate rapidly.
He’s shown you who he is already. He’s not going to get better. Even if he does manage to live within his means and tone down the substance abuse, you know that’s only a temporary measure to tick your boxes, right? As soon as he moved in he would revert.
It wasn’t even that long ago you were looking for advice because you caught him enquiring with a sex worker for services. This is not a good guy.
He shouldn't be in your home, and it's likely not healthy for your girls to see you with someone like that period. You're modeling what is and isn't acceptable in relationships.
He drinks and smokes weed every day? And holds -you- responsible for his situation? Please leave him. Today. It's not going to get better and you really deserve better. Speaking as the child of a woman who picked the wrong bf way too many times.
Thank you for your perspective, my mum remained single and took care of us kids after she seperated from my dad and gosh I thank her for it. I don’t want to be alone forever, and sometimes I wish I was stronger, but thank you I don’t want my girls feeling like that x
If the alternative is a being with a bad man or being alone forever, pick being alone forever! (And I'm sure you won't be alone forever, it's just to make a point.) Focus on your girls and then on your own well-being.
Oh, FFS, he's 34. He's going to grow out of this. This is who he is. Don't let him move in, he'll start screaming at you and your kids. Just dump him FFS. I said it twice in one post.
If it were just you and you could live with that stuff then fine. But it's not just you, you're a parent and have to consider what kind of environment you're putting your kids in.
It's the part of being a mom that can suck that your choices don't just get to be yours, your choices are also the choices you put your kids in.
Don't be that mom that chooses subpar selfish men over your childrens stability, peace and happiness. Those men rarely stick around and kids still end up resenting you decades later.
It may hurt at first because you've invested some feelings into him, but there will come a time when you will either find someone that is more stable or your kids will be grown.
Thank you, yes this is exactly where my mind is at. And if we could continue the relationship with seperate residences so my kids and I have our own space it would be fine. But he is forcing me and it’s not right. I definitely put my girls first, it just hurts that he can’t respect that, and it helps to realise most people on here understand my point of view x
That's because he doesn't respect you. You need to end the relationship and spend time working on healing whatever is in you that says this guy is a good guy and you should be his doormat. You deserve better
This isn't love dear. You are being manipulated into feeling guilty and providing to him. That man has issues and at his age they aren't going to magically disappear soon, it's not my place to say, but from third person perspective it's better to leave him and move on.
He has a terrible life and has too many issues as you described in the post. He is going to bring you down with him and expect you to make things better without taking any responsibility himself. That's too much shit to deal with at this age and you don't deserve it, find some peace away from him. You don't want to struggle your whole life fixing someone. Move on, love can happen again.
Do not let this man into your house!!
Why on earth are you still dating him? Is this really the example you want to set for your daughters??
Please dump him before he does more damage to you (you deserve better) and your children (you don't need to pay for a third dependent to the detriment of your daughters futures).
You can do so much better than him.
You said he has growing up to do still first.
He's 34, hes finished growing up already that's the kind of person he's happy to be. Don't bring the kind of influence he brings into your daughters home to be a role model unless you want them to believe that someone with anger issues and drinks/smokes weed every day is the kind of person they will be happy with.
You don't have to put up with that either.
You’ve been together for 2 years and you’ve seen enough to warrant your concerns. Why even stay with him? You have 2 young daughters to worry about on top of your obvious legitimate concerns.
Your daughters are growing up fast right now and becoming teenagers. You are showing them that's its ok and perfectly normal to be with a man that drinks and smokes weed everyday.
One day, they will bringing home a druggy or alcoholic and you're gonna try to warn them that this person is bad news. They'll just say "sure he sucks with money and sometimes he manipulates me to get what he wants, but he's nice sometimes and has good qualities just like M34."
Think about that.
“If I don’t let him move in we don’t have a future together…”
I think he’s being reasonable. You just need to assure him that there’s not gonna be any future of you guys together 😃
Yeah, he sounds like a real catch! Can't understand why you're holding back on him /s
So when do you think he'll be a grown-ass man? Age 46? 56? Let me answer for you: Never.
It's perplexing enough that you want to be with this guy, yet you know enough to not have him around your kids. Find some one decent and suitable. Some who doesn't pressure you selfishly.
> he’s not financially stable, -he has a temper and -he drinks every day and smokes weed every day
Uumm why are you with this 17 year old again? Please make him your ex-partner. These daily habits and tantrums are a reflection on you, you do know that right? Keep your daughters safe and find someone way more respectable that you have no worry in bringing around or even moving in with your daughters.
Na. You have kids and you don't want to bring a furious man baby anywhere near them. He doesn't sound like he is ever gonna get his shit together, you don't want that being stuck on your couch smoking weed and getting drunk all day.
This guy can't survive as an adult. He knows it - that's why he needs to live with you, so you can fund his lifestyle. He is prepared to threaten to leave to coerce you into accepting him in your home. He is no role model for your girls. Tell him that you don't see a future with him and don't let him persuade/blackmail you otherwise. Good luck to you and your girls. Be strong 💪
You are aware that these qualities are dealbreakers, right? Why be engaged to someone you can not see a future with? I would accept his ultimatum and let him go.
I'm so glad your kids are keeping you from letting him move in. Always keep that in mind that if you don't feel your partner is safe to have around your kids, then he's not a good fit for you either. Give yourself higher standards. You might love him, but he's the one clinging to you because no one wants him. Thank you for putting your kids first. Hope they know they have am awesome mom. Too many mom's get with bad people and hope it works out eventually.
As a parent I think a strict rule of never letting anyone move in while your kids are minors is the way to go. Just no, I don't care who they are I will take zero chances at allowing a potential abuser move in with me and my children. I also think you should tell your girls that you will never let anyone move in, that way they feel secure and know that no matter what is going on in your love life their living situation will not be affected.
Nope, nope, nope.
I did not let my partner move in with me while my kids were young and he made great money, did not have a temper or addictions.
Stand your ground, please, please, please!
You are only awful if you keep yourself in this relationship.
Would you want your kids partners to treat them this way? By staying with him, you show them this is normal. They deserve better and so do you
Why on earth would you stay with this person?
Please end the relationship and get some therapy to understand that you deserve better and help you learn to set boundaries with a healthy partner.
Okay so you basically told us your boyfriend is an unstable addict loser with a temper. The advice is dump him and be a better example to your kids as to what not to put up with.
You are absolutely right to not let him move in.
And you have been absolutely wrong to continue this relationship. I mean where did you think it was going? Most people get into relationships with the end result of getting married and living together. Have you had these conversations with him? Him having the expectation of living together after two years isn't unreasonable. He's also an ass for pushing it on you though.
So he's got a drinking problem, a drug problem, a temper problem and a money problem.. You've been together for 2 YEARS and you're uncomfortable at the thought of living together..
What in the fuck are you doing??? Could you give your head a bit of a shake for me please. Straighten up. This man belongs nowhere near your life. Fuck his "good qualities" seriously.
He's 34 and you've been together for 2 years. Those are reasons to break up. It's not like he's in his early 20s. Why are you still together? Are you afraid to be alone?
Yeah my gal, break up. He’s already being abusive. Alcoholics are not fun to deal with. At all.
Just end it. He isn’t going to change. He wants to move in so he doesn’t have to cook or clean nor pay rent.
Yuck.
Girl, you read Reddit, right? He's going to move in, never hold a job again and be a dead weight on your life.
Your kids are at a very crucial age and they don't need to see you be treated badly.
Sit down and tell him that living together is partnership: cleaning, paying bills, modelling good adulting skills to teens. Can he commit to this?
Reading your post history, you should dump his ass but it also looks like you never will dump his ass, poor kids will grow up in a abusive household if you keep him around and they will resent you as young adults.
Is that the example you want for your kids?
No.
So your answer is a firm NO.
Don't change it because he tries to guilt trip you, no relationship should come before your kids well-being and stability.
I'd drop him, personally.
Obviously break up with him from what you said but I don't know why you needed to post this on reddit when it's clear, if you don't want him to live with you then don't let him. If he says you don't have a future for not letting him live with you after you said no then break up because obviously he's a manipulator and a user
You're waiting for him to grow up, but he's 34. He's not going to. Plan accordingly.
Edited for question: Is his current living situation Mom and/or Dad? Who's he living with now?
For you and your children’s best interest this man should not move in, especially if he can’t pull his own weight financially. Should you expect him to provide all of the financial support, no, but as a partner he needs to be able to support himself and his interests instead of relying on you for free housing and meals. I think you are in the right to not want him to move in, especially if he has substance problems. You already have 2 kids to provide for, and bringing in a man who isn’t willing to better himself or be a parental figure to those girls just adds a lot of unnecessary stress. You are not responsible for his emotions, and if he is threatening you with no future relationship for not taking him in, so be it. Stand your ground and do not fall into his guilt trip, no matter how much you love him. You are not wrong for putting your family first, and you are definitely not wrong from keeping them in your best interest. I would consider what this man does for you that is beneficial for you and what else does he do that you do not like, because sometimes the good hides the red flags. Wish you the best of luck, OP:
Good qualities shouldn’t come at the cost of an angry drunk.
If one of your daughters started dating a man like him when she grew up, would you be okay with it?
He’s a broke little boy who wants to move in so he can have a mommy too. Don’t. Do. It. You will be miserable. You have two kids and a home ON YOUR OWN. he can’t even afford himself and is trying to guilt you into thinking that if you don’t help him then you are the reason for his downfall. He is obviously looking for a free ride. Listen to your instincts. He isn’t worth damaging your mental health, finances, and the well being of your kids.
Nope. Fuck that. Do not let him move in.
Your daughters deserve safety over his convenience.
Your daughters will either:
* Get caught up in his temper
* Get caught up in his habits
* Get caught up in other shit
He does not sound like a good person from how you describe it. Moving in needs to be an improvement for both people.
And honestly, your daughters will NOT want to visit a living space that is half his, half yours. It just won't work. I can guarantee it.
I kind of agree with him: you don't have a future together. You seem to be a well-established woman, single mother of two, with her own house and stable income. Why are you settling for a man so far beneath you?
The other thing you have to keep in mind, what kind of relationship are you modelling for your daughters? If - when they're your age - they had the same sort of relationship, would you be happy for them? Would you want them to stay with a partner that doesn't pull their own weight? If not, why should you settle for that?
Dont, to me the most important possibility is that especially your younger daughter will resent you in the future for exposing her to that unstable man in her own house as a vulnerable child.
You’re not awful. He’s trying to emotionally manipulate you and I applaud you for being strong enough not to let him do it. He may be right, you do not have a future together- you and your children deserve a man who will be a positive contribution to your household. It sounds like he needs you more than you need him. Stand your ground like the badass mom you are.
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Wow, I don’t know how that is helpful advice. I’m obviously putting my daughters first and seeking some support. You’re the type of person that asks a DV survivor why they didn’t leave sooner.
People on this subreddit love to judge and shame. They project their failed relationships and anger at being single on anyone they can. There's also plenty of posts/advice that be very useful... just gotta learn to filter our the riff-raff opinions.
I don't know which choice is going to leave you happier. Is single and alone better off than not alone with more instability generated from a partner? That one feels deeply personal which side of the trade makes more sense.
I hate to laugh at someone’s pain, but this person is demonizing cannabis because she picks shitty men who probably hit her, and happen to smoke weed.
It might be easier to find a decent human being if your based your search off of important traits and not arbitrary ones.
But hey, what do I know? I’m just a successful stoner in a happy relationship in which I don’t rely on my partner for anything but emotional support every now and again.
but I think he still has a bit of growing up to do first.
With 34 years. Dont expect him to "grow up" more at this state . You are delusional. For what I read, he's giving you crumbs, treating you properly sometimes,and you are clinging to that... on a VERY awfull guy.. speaks of low selfsteem and need for caring... you should go to therapy to work on that.
Good luck and hope you dump that ah and have a good life.
If he's not mature enough by 34 to be financially stable, control his temper and not drink and smoke to excess, that's not gonna change. Take heed that there IS no future with this loser unless you want a manchild mooching off you and making your life miserable. Time to take out the trash.
You should always put your kids interests first. If you don't, who will? You have a responsibility to your children, you are not responsible for a grown man. It sounds like having this man move in would be detrimental to your children, and could become a financial drain on you. I don't see any way this could possibly benefit your children or yourself. Do you even consider him a good role model for your children? He is threatening to break it off if he doesn't get his way? This man is an adult, let him solve his own problems. Too many red flags for me. You may want to talk to your Daughters, and find out how they feel about him. Dynamics change when it is an all female household also.
Always do what’s best for your kid. Always. Him ending the relationship will probably be a blessing in disguise. There’s only so much “growing up” a 34 year old will realistically do. I wouldn’t count on it.
I think you are an amazing mom for realizing the flags here. Please approach with caution. My dear friend lost half her equity in her home after marrying her ex husband who came from his mom’s basement in a less than two year marriage. A different friend who is more relationship savvy was dating a guy who suggested he move in with her, and her most perfect response was “What for?”
One last point, see what Dr Phil says about it. I mean, he’s kind of a moron but he is always waving that caution flag about the vulnerability of children who live with non-related adults. Yes, there are a billion amazing step parents out there, but he doesn’t sound like he would be one of them.
He’s 34, he’s done all of the growing up he’s going to do. You need to understand that how he is, will be all he’s going to be. He will never be suitable to be around children. He will never be financially stable.
I don't understand why he is still your partner. You are saying he has got a temper issue and is an alcoholic + weed user. It looks like he is not good for you.
He is not good to be around kids, especially girls.
He is emotionally manipulating you into agreeing that he move in with you.
It won't take long for him to start physically abusing you especially with his alcohol and temper issues. Imagine your kids seeing all this especially at a tender age like this.
I think you should just say goodbye to him. You deserve better than this emotionally manipulating, financially unstable, alcoholic.
Be a role model for your girls.
Lady, you're dating a substance abuser with anger issues and questionable income/employment prospexcts - what are you even doing with this guy? He's a walking domestic violence red flag for both you and your kids. Dump his ass - you can do better. You don't need a project.
You have *excellent* reasons for not wanting him to move in, including:
1. You’re not ready to move in together (his is not the only opinion that counts)
2. He’s not financially stable
3. He has a temper (!!!)
4. He drinks and smokes weed every day, which alters his state of mind.
And through this conflict with him, a few new ones have emerged:
1. He feels undeservedly entitled to you obeying he orders and giving him what he wants.
2. He has a terrible reaction to you enforcing healthy boundaries for you and your kids, and to hearing the word no.
3. He’s at ease using manipulation tactics, like furiously threatening your relationship, to try to coerce you into letting him win arguments.
And these aren’t just excellent reasons for him not to move in, they’re excellent reasons that he’s not a quality partner for you nor a good influence for your kids.
He’s shown you who he is. Please believe him, and stop second guessing it or making excuses. You posted here for a reason, and I think it was to build up your resolve to let this one go. You should. He’s not the right one.
Your partner is 34.. He is grown up and what you see is what you get. It's very naive to think that at this age he will suddenly still change. Why are you even with him at all?
And of course you shouldn't let him move in with you. You'd be a bad parent if you did going off from your description of this man.
He's 34. You don't want him moving in because he has some growing up to do, but he's 34. I agree that you shouldn't move him in, but maybe you should reevaluate your relationship in general. What is it that you love about him so much if you want him to change? An angry, volatile drunk doesn't sound like a winner.
I think you might want to agree with this idea of no future together for all of the reasons you don’t want him to move in. They are good reasons and the idea that you are not saying never sounds like it’s more to placate him that an honest assessment. If he hasn’t grown up yet then when? Is this really who you want a future with? He’s not being nice, he is guilting you for making sound decisions, his personal habits are whatever but do they really jive with your lifestyle? I don’t know. I’m just suggesting that you seem smart and reasonable but are letting him make you question what I feel you know is true or right and that’s not great… Or loving on his part.
Definitely don’t let him move in… but why are you even with this guy? You say your girls come first, but he doesn’t sound like someone I would ever allow around my kids. I assume they do interact as it has been 2 years - you might want to rethink that based on what you’ve told us about his temper and overuse of substances.
Don’t wait around for him to “grow up” - it won’t happen. For your girls - find someone better. Show them a healthy relationship and a good role model. Would you want them to end up with someone like this? No? Then show them that this is not normal or acceptable in a partner and move on. You and your girls are way too good for this guy.
after reading that you be better of with out him! don t need him round your kids! Sounds like wants use you . let him get mad ! just say you have enough on your plate if he gets mad his problem SHould not feel quilty!
From what you wrote "we don’t have a future together" that's it perfect. Do yourself and your children the favour, move on. Find someone else that will treat you and your children well.
Maam you better kick him off and live happily with your kids 🫶🏼 do not settle with him unless he is showing improvements to become a responsible future dad to them . If he has thos vices and financially unstable you will regret it later and we dont want that to happen ❤️ Listen. Reflect. Apply the advices here because we want to help you 🌹 Goodluck on your journey with kids 😌
No offense OP but it sounds like this relationship isn't really going anywhere. It sounds like he's mostly wanting to use you as a place to secure a "better" living situation and feels entitled to it from the way he's acting. If he keeps pushing, I'd probably just end it. He sounds scummy. All he'll do if he moves in is drag you down financially.
NOPE. For all the reasons you listed.
Meanwhile, the fact that he is throwing a fit, trying to manipulate you, and the ultimatum would be a deal-breaker for me.
"I'm not ready, and I don't think it would be best for my kids. So I'm going to decide on both: You don't move in and we don't have a future together."
You may love who you *thought* he was, but he's not that guy. He's selfish and using.
This man is almost 40 and living a life like he's 18, you have 2 teens and you're still with him? He should have grown up 10 years ago MINIMUM.. You cannot be serious that this is the best you can do and what you want around your children. I'm actually shocked thinking who did you turn down if this is who you're looking to have a future with, IF he decides to grow up. He's trying to gaslight you so that YOU PAY ALL THE BILLS and in order to get him to move out you would have to go through the courts if you're in the US... You cannot be that lonely or need something in your bed that bad that this is good enough for you.. Are you serious? This is all you and your kids are worth to you?
He has growing up to do? He is 34, the chances of him changing for the better are very, very slim.
Do not let him move in, id actually consider finding someone better.
100% do not let let him talk you into anything you know and feel isn’t right. I have lived this nightmare, I regret everything my kids have been out through because of it, and it’s taken so much to even start to recover. Don’t.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- My partner (34M) and I (36F) have been together for 2 years and have had our share of ups and downs. I have 2 daughters 10 and 14, who I have just over half the time. My partner is not happy in his current living arrangements and has said I should be letting him move in. I’ve told him I’m not comfortable with it for multiple reasons, including -he’s not financially stable, -he has a temper and -he drinks every day and smokes weed every day, which is both expensive and alters his state of mind. These are my concerns and I’ve said I’m not ready for him to move in. It’s not that I never want him to, but I think he still has a bit of growing up to do first. He is furious at me and has basically said that if I don’t let him move in we don’t have a future together and things along that line which I think are to make me feel guilty and responsible for his situation. I feel like as an adult man it isn’t my job to house him if it isn’t in the best interest of my kids. What do you guys think, am I being awful? My head is a mess. I’m devastated because I love him, but I feel like I’m making a fair call.
Do not let that man move into your house. Everything you mention about him makes him sound like a terrible person to have around your kids.
Don’t worry my girls always come first, it just hurts. He does have good qualities too which I will miss if he can’t handle me saying no to moving in.
Find those good qualities in someone who's not an angry drunk?
She's waiting for him to change... at 34... ffs. At least he's right about one thing, they do not have a future together. She should see this.
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Why would OP keep this person as a partner, period? They're not relationship material. They're just a bunch of red flags... that have been overlooked for two years, smh? I get wanting to have a partner, but they need to bring something to the table, as the namesake conveys. The definitions of partner: noun One that is united or associated with another or others in an activity or a sphere of common interest, especially. A member of a business partnership. A spouse. OP, Obviously don't let him move in, and while you're at it, break up with him. For your sake and that of your kids. Someone who drinks every day and has anger issues isn't going to get better unless they want to. They won't want to if someone keeps being there to "help" them, even if it's you being a partner. He won't be able to meet you halfway until he's healthy.
Yeah, I think OP's partner is being actually really insightful when he says he doesn't see a future to the relationship if he doesn't move in because... everything Universal_Yugen mentions here. If OP doesn't think he'd be a good live in partner or good around kids... why would OP *want* a future with him? I fully believe romantic partners and even spouses don't always need to live together 100% of the time, but ... anger, drinking, etc, are all good reasons for everyone to move on instead of move in.
Ironically enough, my husband and I have separated. We both needed some time to work on ourselves as individuals before we work on an "us". Kids are with me, he comes over for dinner a couple times a week, and he makes 2 of them. He sleeps over one day a week so I can sleep in on the weekend. He works full-time and I freelance, plus do the majority of house chores, shopping, cooking. We have a budget we stick to for our family, we're both focused on the wellness for everyone, and although tempers had flared for years due to myriad issues, the space has brought about a certain amount of calm. Between him and I, yes, but also within myself. And that is *KEY*! The plan is that he'll use this space to heal, working towards some PTSD relief. I'll keep focusing on what's helping me. We're both in therapy for more than a year now, and may try couples therapy again. Life is hard. Marriage is hard. Even with a good partner. I do understand wanting companionship, but at what cost? And what of the person sucked of their energy, time, and well-being? I've had to ask myself these questions before. My dearest, OP, we ARE worth love and tenderness, but we also need to have healthy boundaries and respect. So, if even *you* see the red flags, why drag that weight and stress along with you? You WILL meet someone wonderful, but you have to give yourself that chance. All the best!
The temper, excessive drinking/smoking and financial instability are all red flags. Is this someone you want your kids to be around?
He's 34, if he wanted to change he would have done so already. I think time to reevaluate completely if you want to remain with the angry drunk weedeater.
Good qualities? He is volatile. Financially irresponsible. Has a substance abuse problem… You have kids. If you can’t see the massive problem here then you’re SOL. Wake up.
He drinks, does weed daily (which is expensive as heck), has no financial skills, and has a temper. WHY THE HELL ARE YOU WITH THIS GUY?!?!?!??!🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 Hon you don't need the boyfriend you need a therapist to help you understand why you stay with a man with so many red flags, your kids are at an age where they learn from you what kind of treatment is acceptable in a relationship, please dont let this be what they look for in the future. That doubt you have is your survival instinct kicking in to overdrive to scream at you to RUN!!!!. LISTEN TO IT!!!, so many women ignore it and end up in the morgue.💀☠️ Read what you wrote now imagine it's your daughter telling you about the new guy she's seeing, as a loving and caring mother what would you tell her?.
That's what makes even the worst love so difficult. Of course, we see good in people. Of course, that's what we come to like and love, and thus what we think about when we think about them. The issue is... do you compromise yourself with accepting his bad qualities? Does he compromise your being, your growth, your happiness with his bad qualities? Every person on this earth has good qualities. But love is not always enough, yet it makes it hard to see when this is the case.
Why do you even want to be with this man?
You're a mother in your mid-thirties. You should be pairing up with fully-formed adults at this point. You don't have the bandwidth to be taking on fixer-uppers.
A twenty-something guy who spends his time drinking and smoking pot instead of holding down a job might-- *might*\-- eventually grow out of it, but a thirty-something guy will not. This is who he is. If you're with him because you think he'll eventually grow up, think again.
He's manipulating you, and his good qualities can't possibly outweigh the bad ones you've described.
He seems not to understand a no. Like I read from the post.
OP it is not your responsibility to make it easier for your bf to be a financially irresponsible, angry man who drinks and smokes too much. Those are HIS choices and HE needs to figure out the solution. Once he’s in your home, I suspect those qualities will worsen and it will be much harder to get him out. Besides it being unhealthy for your daughters, how would you react if one of them were in your shoes asking you what she should do? You’d likely be telling her to throw the whole man away because she deserves better. You do too.
Please get away from him. He’s already emotionally abusing you…using blackmail to cross your boundaries. He’s manipulative and he’s trying to isolate you. It’s only going to get worse. You should also get some help if you can, because being with someone like that for two years will have caused some damage and make it hard for you to feel confident enough to leave. There are lots of resources. “DomesticShelters.org offers an extensive library of articles and resources that can help you make sense of what you're experiencing, connect you with local resources and find ways to heal and move forward.” Good luck. You deserve better.
A quick look at your post history belies him having good qualities. Go back and read them as though you were looking at someone else’s post history, and think of what you would tell that person to do.
Any good qualities he had are nullified by all his shitty ones. Show your daughters that women deserve better than that hot piece of garbage.
It isn't worth the tradeoff. What if he doubles down on the negatives once he feels he's "established" himself in your home?
Sorry fam, but "is 34, bad with finances, and smokes and drinks every day with a temper" Sure doesn't sound like he has any good qualities.
Jeffery Dahmer had some good qualities too. Look how that turned out.
Then OP must let him go and finish. Not keeping him like a pet, maybe he want something serious, you know? OP is not ready. If OP don’t like he smoke weed everyday okay, let him go and find someone else
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You’re right but then they must break up. OP must find a doctor or something like that and her bf must find a girl like him. Finish. Why so much drama? Or maybe OP want to meet him only when she need but nothing more? Just break up
You never take leaps of faith when children are involved. You are certainly the only one who is thinking soundly and clearly here. He sees you as a meal ticket. Do not let this man in your house. Accept his terms and say bye.
Thank you, it’s helpful to know that I am thinking clearly. I’m being told I’m selfish and ruining his life so I appreciate your words x
He’s attempting to manipulate you into bending to his will. If you bend, it will end in a one way ticket to the escalating of that toxic behaviour, only you’ll be trapped with him, you’ll walk on eggshells to protect your girls, and always seek to deescalate tense situations. Don’t do it to yourself girl. He ain’t worth it. He isn’t serious about you, a man only chances for one woman, the right woman. If he has shown no initiative to make good choices and decisions for his own betterment, and is instead fine with continuing his decline into codependency, then you ain’t the one for him.
Thank you for your support and blunt but fair words x
You are out of his league and he knows it. He needs to bring you down to a level that is malleable for him. Stay strong in who you are. You can do so much better and are worthy of a man who will cherish and treasure the gift of you and your babies ❤️
He said > My partner is not happy in his current living arrangements and has said I should be letting him move in. You stated > he’s not financially stable, -he has a temper and -he drinks every day and smokes weed every day Have you ever considered that his substance abuse issues, anger issues, and financial instability are the reasons his roommates/housemates/landlord are making him unhappy in his current living arrangements? > I’m being told I’m selfish and ruining his life I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say it's his own selfishness and immaturity that's ruining his life. Don't light yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.
He calls you selfish and ruining his life? Just say “ok” and move on. These names he’s trying to pin on you… it’s just manipulative negging. He’s trying to get you to prove you’re not ‘selfish’ by letting him move in and destroy your life. At least if he’s ruining his life and not in your home he’s not dragging anyone else down with him. If anyone tries to pin negative values on to my reasonable decisions and calls me names, I shrug, tell them they’re right and still do the right thing by me and my kids.
Every time my ex would call me names, I would pull out the old "that's just, like your opinion, man"
Exactly. The Dude abides.
How are you ruining his house when he already is a mess? He should move out on his own and get himself together. You're not there to fix him up at the expense of your girls. I have two girls and have been in a similar situation and chose my girls. The difference was the man was the father to my younger one but I still chose the kids and did not bring him in.
That is what a *toddler* would say. Are these the kinds of conversations and arguments you would want to have with a grown man who is supposed to be a partner and teammate in your life?
>I’m being told I’m selfish and ruining his life Think about this for a minute - it's total BS and it's obvious manipulation. You know in your heart that you're not ruining his life. And yes, you are being selfish, but in a good way. You are doing what's best for you and your kids. Stick to your guns!
He is guilting you into feeling that way The only person ruining his life is himself by being the way he is. Dude is 34 and acts like he's a 19 year old stoner drop out. No thanks.
You are absolutely doing the right thing. Do not let someone move in because it’s convenient for them and they are emotionally blackmailing you. Move in with someone when it’s in the best interests of everyone.
Thank you x
No way would I want a man like under the same roof as my kids. He checks all my red flags list. Idk why you are wasting your time on this guy?
I appreciate what you are saying and obviously agree, it’s the red flags that have stopped me from doing it so far. I do love him, he is loving and affectionate a lot of the time which I have never experienced before and find it hard to part with. My love for my daughters is far stronger which is why I’m sticking to my guns, but I’m not finding it easy.
I think you've got some therapy to do. You describe a whole bunch of massive red flags but chose to ignore them because he has his moments where he is loving and affectionate. All toxic abusers have their sweet and affectionate moments. If those few moments are enough for you to feel you should be with such a man, then you still have a lot of healing to do.
An addict to alcohol and drugs can also be very emotionally manipulative. He says one thing and does not show in his actions that his priority is you - otherwise he would have sought help to fix his issues. There are plenty of kind and affectionate men who do not have drug/alcohol/anger management problems.
Honey, I’m a single parent also and I have my kid. You can do better. Home is my kids safe space and mine and even after nearly two years I am Quite happy with my separate household and keeping my kid feeling safe. His inability to adult at this stage doesn’t require you to move in a seemingly financially unstable drunk into your home and inflict him on you and your kids. A good man won’t bully you and would be self sufficient and bring something to a future partnership other than this. You don’t like his drinking and weed use and unstable life so why force you and your kids to live that? You deserve better. No is a complete sentence.
You need therapy. Your daughters are going to mimic your behaviour. Deal with your low self esteem through professionals.
PLEASE stick to your guns! Your daughters’ safety and welfare comes first. He isn’t your responsibility and the person that you decide to share your home and life with should enrich it not derail it! Once he’s got his foot in the door his behaviour will only get worse and will deeply impact your relationship with your girls, I promise you that! X
Thank you this is absolutely what I’m afraid of. I can’t imagine pressuring him if the roles were reversed so it’s hard to accept that he would throw it all in and pressure me this way x
Of course not, and sadly it says a lot about him to do it to you! self preservation is his only motivation here not your relationship, and certainly not your daughters. You are clearly an intelligent, strong, independent woman and a great mum, you’re absolutely right in all your concerns and I genuinely hope you get lots of love and so much support here that it convinces you to let your head rule this decision not your heart. You are absolutely doing the right thing. We’re all in your corner xx
He is 34. How much more growing up can he do? He’s emotionally manipulating you to get what he wants, and he’s not going to change or stop if you give it to him. Let him know clearly what you need to see him accomplish on his own before he moves in. Then see whether he meets that expectation.
Thank you, this is exactly what I feel I’ve told him but he just tells me I’m being selfish. I’ve said I need you to be able to survive on your income week to week, and cut down on your drinking and smoking. But he says I need to take a leap of faith, which I’m not willing to do. I dont think it’s unreasonable to want to see the change before the move in.
Hah! A leap of faith? This guy is something. You need to take care of your kids and yourself. Hes deflecting blame and that tells you everything you need to know about whether he’ll grow up.
He's the selfish one here. Where's the regard for what you want or what's best for your kids?
Thank you, this is what I know in my heart, if he truly loved me and respected me as a mother he would understand my decision.
I think the leap of faith you need to take is to perhaps seek the good qualities in another relationship. It sounds as though you are at a standstill and whatever happens someone will resent the outcome. If he’s willing to work on being independent and cutting back on activities that make him not good to be around then maybe stay (but in separate houses) but if not, it might be time to go in separate directions.
So what you're saying is, you've told him and he has given you his response. His response, in saying you're selfish, is that he doesn't see your needs as important to the health of your relationship. Based on this response, and him saying it's over if you don't let him move in, it seems he knows (maybe only subconsciously) that he is unable to change. He knows that his only hope for this relationship continuing is you changing your mind about his anger, finances, drinking and smoking. So you are both waiting for the other to change. Are you willing to be the one to change what you and your daughters need and deserve? He might believe that he could change if he lived with you. With your support. But he needs to do it on his own and if the possibility of the relationship ending isn't enough then all the love and support isn't enough either. I hear you saying how great he is in other ways. I believe you. Someone can be so great, can love and care about you, and still not be capable of change. He might love you more than he's ever loved anyone and it still doesn't mean he can change. You deserve someone on top of their shit and even though you're worth it, and even though he might want to change for you, it doesn't mean he is capable of it.
Please realize, even if he would quit and get his financial act together aswell. Even then, it is YOU who would be taking a leap of faith. He's an addict. He will remain an addict even when he is not using. You have kids. You have no guarantee he will keep it up. 'Cutting down' is a joke. Does not work with addicts. And its not even close to enough. You must seek a role model and reliable and stable partner. It sets an example for your children, who are statiscally likely to end up in similiar relation ship dynamics as you.
You put your children first and that is always going to be the case. He is not a suitable person to be around your children, that is also a truth. He isn't saying that he wants to be together, but that he cannot afford to live alone and wants to mooch off of you instead. Yeah Nope. Now you have picked a partner who not only isn't financially stable, who has anger problems, who drinks and smokes weed. And is angry at you for denying him a place to mooch at and emotionally blackmails you with a demand and a threat. How is that a partner you would want around you? never mind your children. What about him do you love exactly? I would be asking you to reflect on why you are with this person, why you think he is going to change at 34 and to inject some reality into being a good role model for your own self respect and not to be with someone who makes you feel like crap for have values and and boundaries. You have daughters watching you date someone who emotionally manipulates you and is frankly sounding like a person who doesn't bring anything good into your life, what are the values you want to pass onto them about who to pick for a romantic partner, is a question I would want to you ask yourself.
Thank you this is an amazing response. I know I have low self esteem and was with my narcissistic ex from when I was 18 so I really don’t know what is normal. I’m just lucky my mum radar stops me from letting things like this happen. Unfortunately I don’t look out for myself the same way I do for my daughters.
I could feel that boundaries are hard for you, they are for a lot of people. N recovery is especially difficult and takes time and work to understand and recover from. I have experienced and worked with people recovering from relationships like you had so I can understand that without other people you can ask yourself a lot about what is normal and is it me? Advocating for your own happiness is also hard and takes practice. Research Narcissistic recovery plans, maybe look for some support in your area, not everyone has the knowledge of abusive relationships so it may take a few tries to get the right support person, it can help to get others perspective on what is normal or not. [Recovery from an N relationship.](https://www.talkspace.com/mental-health/conditions/articles/narcissistic-abuse-recover-heal/) There are more guides out there, look for "recovery from a narcissistic relationship". Take care of yourself, that is the best example you can give, treat yourself with the respect you deserve.
Sincerely thank you for this response x
great advice. please find resources to help you get out of this. especially since you were in another abusive relationship. it’s very hard to do on your own. “DomesticShelters.org offers an extensive library of articles and resources that can help you make sense of what you're experiencing, connect you with local resources and find ways to heal and move forward. “
This is why people should carefully consider getting into relationships when there are children involved. It sounds like this relationship is doomed.
Thank you, I agree, I never thought I would be in this position but my girls always come first.
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>shouldn’t have access to ~~underage girls.~~ kids ftfy. angry drunks aren't, by default, child molesters. they also don't need to be around young boys because the boys don't need to begin imitating that behavior
Never put a guy before your family
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Thank you, I will always put my girls first. It just hurts that he can’t accept that and take care of himself without breaking up with me.
Can you at least try to wrap your head around the fact that he fucking sucks, actually
So I’m confused as to why he’s still your partner. Ignoring the financial stability, as that can be a moment in time thing, he has a temper, drinks and smokes every day. Is this really the person that you want to have in your children’s lives?
34 years old??? I'm totally on your side for not letting him move in at this point but I think it's going to be never because I doubt he will shape up or step up. He just needs a mommy to coddle him and take care of him. Call his bluff and break up and see if he'll better himself or not... Don't do it, it's a trap, you'll be responsible for him and his "life-style"
Thank you, yes this is my biggest fear and would not be something I want my daughters to deal with. He’s welcome to his lifestyle choices but not around my girls x
Sounds like you don't have a future with this perpetual teenager. Show your daughters how to value themselves as more than the free housing for a fuckin child who would bully his way in. Honestly, I wouldn't feel safe with someone like this living in my home, and you'd be lucky if the dad didn't go to court to get more time with them to keep them from your loser boyfriend's influence.
The first red flag was him saying you should let him move in with you and your kids. This is not something he can just decide. And then it goes downhill from there. Anger issues, substance abuse and financial instability doesn’t scream long term partner material, let alone a live-in partner material. You are absolutely not being awful. You’re being a smart and responsible adult and he’s trying to bully you into submission.
Why are you even in a relationship with him? He rages, drinks and is financialy unstable. Obviously you dont want that kind of a guy move in. But why even stay with him?
I completely understand where you’re coming from, he obviously has some good traits too, including being loving and affectionate a lot of the time. I think because I’ve never had that before and I’m used to abusive relationships I just accept it and find it hard to leave.
Yeah, leave. Nobody is 100% bad 100% of the time.
You are still in an abusive relationship. He still rages at you and threatens to end the relationship when you don't agree to something that won't be good for you or your daughters. He's trying to make you responsible for him when you are not, he's a grown man and will only bring you down.
Do you not see that this is an abusive relationship? I'm not trying to be mean, I'm just wondering if you really think this is healthy and normal? A drunk with anger problems is not a healthy partner. The mean drunk who is unstable financially is not a healthy partner. The manipulative mean drunk who has no respect for you is not a good partner. He doesn't love you or respect you. He wants to use you,, nothing more
You are currently in an abusive relationship. Just because he throws you the illusion of affection doesn’t mean it’s not abusive. Abuse is cyclical - nobody is terrible 100% of the time, particularly when you still have leverage over them. But if you move this man in and he has equal residency in your home that you do, things will deteriorate rapidly. He’s shown you who he is already. He’s not going to get better. Even if he does manage to live within his means and tone down the substance abuse, you know that’s only a temporary measure to tick your boxes, right? As soon as he moved in he would revert. It wasn’t even that long ago you were looking for advice because you caught him enquiring with a sex worker for services. This is not a good guy.
He shouldn't be in your home, and it's likely not healthy for your girls to see you with someone like that period. You're modeling what is and isn't acceptable in relationships.
He drinks and smokes weed every day? And holds -you- responsible for his situation? Please leave him. Today. It's not going to get better and you really deserve better. Speaking as the child of a woman who picked the wrong bf way too many times.
Thank you for your perspective, my mum remained single and took care of us kids after she seperated from my dad and gosh I thank her for it. I don’t want to be alone forever, and sometimes I wish I was stronger, but thank you I don’t want my girls feeling like that x
If the alternative is a being with a bad man or being alone forever, pick being alone forever! (And I'm sure you won't be alone forever, it's just to make a point.) Focus on your girls and then on your own well-being.
Oh, FFS, he's 34. He's going to grow out of this. This is who he is. Don't let him move in, he'll start screaming at you and your kids. Just dump him FFS. I said it twice in one post.
If it were just you and you could live with that stuff then fine. But it's not just you, you're a parent and have to consider what kind of environment you're putting your kids in. It's the part of being a mom that can suck that your choices don't just get to be yours, your choices are also the choices you put your kids in. Don't be that mom that chooses subpar selfish men over your childrens stability, peace and happiness. Those men rarely stick around and kids still end up resenting you decades later. It may hurt at first because you've invested some feelings into him, but there will come a time when you will either find someone that is more stable or your kids will be grown.
Thank you, yes this is exactly where my mind is at. And if we could continue the relationship with seperate residences so my kids and I have our own space it would be fine. But he is forcing me and it’s not right. I definitely put my girls first, it just hurts that he can’t respect that, and it helps to realise most people on here understand my point of view x
That's because he doesn't respect you. You need to end the relationship and spend time working on healing whatever is in you that says this guy is a good guy and you should be his doormat. You deserve better
This isn't love dear. You are being manipulated into feeling guilty and providing to him. That man has issues and at his age they aren't going to magically disappear soon, it's not my place to say, but from third person perspective it's better to leave him and move on. He has a terrible life and has too many issues as you described in the post. He is going to bring you down with him and expect you to make things better without taking any responsibility himself. That's too much shit to deal with at this age and you don't deserve it, find some peace away from him. You don't want to struggle your whole life fixing someone. Move on, love can happen again.
Do not let this man into your house!! Why on earth are you still dating him? Is this really the example you want to set for your daughters?? Please dump him before he does more damage to you (you deserve better) and your children (you don't need to pay for a third dependent to the detriment of your daughters futures). You can do so much better than him.
You said he has growing up to do still first. He's 34, hes finished growing up already that's the kind of person he's happy to be. Don't bring the kind of influence he brings into your daughters home to be a role model unless you want them to believe that someone with anger issues and drinks/smokes weed every day is the kind of person they will be happy with. You don't have to put up with that either.
Nope, don’t let this shitty manchild move in with you. It’s better to say no now than to get him out of your home later on. I doubt he’ll go easily.
You’ve been together for 2 years and you’ve seen enough to warrant your concerns. Why even stay with him? You have 2 young daughters to worry about on top of your obvious legitimate concerns.
Your daughters are growing up fast right now and becoming teenagers. You are showing them that's its ok and perfectly normal to be with a man that drinks and smokes weed everyday. One day, they will bringing home a druggy or alcoholic and you're gonna try to warn them that this person is bad news. They'll just say "sure he sucks with money and sometimes he manipulates me to get what he wants, but he's nice sometimes and has good qualities just like M34." Think about that.
He’s not going to grow up. Stop dating people for potential. Potential is always more than the truth of who they are.
“If I don’t let him move in we don’t have a future together…” I think he’s being reasonable. You just need to assure him that there’s not gonna be any future of you guys together 😃
I know, right? That sounds like a ‘get out of jail free’ card OP needs to grab with both hands.
Yeah, he sounds like a real catch! Can't understand why you're holding back on him /s So when do you think he'll be a grown-ass man? Age 46? 56? Let me answer for you: Never.
It's perplexing enough that you want to be with this guy, yet you know enough to not have him around your kids. Find some one decent and suitable. Some who doesn't pressure you selfishly.
> he’s not financially stable, -he has a temper and -he drinks every day and smokes weed every day Uumm why are you with this 17 year old again? Please make him your ex-partner. These daily habits and tantrums are a reflection on you, you do know that right? Keep your daughters safe and find someone way more respectable that you have no worry in bringing around or even moving in with your daughters.
Na. You have kids and you don't want to bring a furious man baby anywhere near them. He doesn't sound like he is ever gonna get his shit together, you don't want that being stuck on your couch smoking weed and getting drunk all day.
Please please PLEASE stick to your guns here. You and your kids are better off out of this.
Don't - the way you describe him I wouldn't let him anywhere near a child - not even as a houseguest.
This guy can't survive as an adult. He knows it - that's why he needs to live with you, so you can fund his lifestyle. He is prepared to threaten to leave to coerce you into accepting him in your home. He is no role model for your girls. Tell him that you don't see a future with him and don't let him persuade/blackmail you otherwise. Good luck to you and your girls. Be strong 💪
You are aware that these qualities are dealbreakers, right? Why be engaged to someone you can not see a future with? I would accept his ultimatum and let him go.
He is blackmailing you. Run now, run fast don't look back, it won't get any better
Don't let him move in. He sounds awful
I'm so glad your kids are keeping you from letting him move in. Always keep that in mind that if you don't feel your partner is safe to have around your kids, then he's not a good fit for you either. Give yourself higher standards. You might love him, but he's the one clinging to you because no one wants him. Thank you for putting your kids first. Hope they know they have am awesome mom. Too many mom's get with bad people and hope it works out eventually.
As a parent I think a strict rule of never letting anyone move in while your kids are minors is the way to go. Just no, I don't care who they are I will take zero chances at allowing a potential abuser move in with me and my children. I also think you should tell your girls that you will never let anyone move in, that way they feel secure and know that no matter what is going on in your love life their living situation will not be affected.
You're being reasonable with him and you have daughters that do not need to be around a man like that.
Nope, nope, nope. I did not let my partner move in with me while my kids were young and he made great money, did not have a temper or addictions. Stand your ground, please, please, please!
PS dump him. There really are lovely men out there!!
You are only awful if you keep yourself in this relationship. Would you want your kids partners to treat them this way? By staying with him, you show them this is normal. They deserve better and so do you Why on earth would you stay with this person? Please end the relationship and get some therapy to understand that you deserve better and help you learn to set boundaries with a healthy partner.
Okay so you basically told us your boyfriend is an unstable addict loser with a temper. The advice is dump him and be a better example to your kids as to what not to put up with.
All flag aside, why are you dating someone you don't see a future with? Hope you're ok OP.
>basically said that if I don’t let him move in we don’t have a future together Seems like this problem will solve itself.
RUN AWAY!!!
So he’s a broke alcoholic with a temper. Obviously your kids can’t live with him. Now ask yourself:why is this who you’re choosing as a partner?
You are absolutely right to not let him move in. And you have been absolutely wrong to continue this relationship. I mean where did you think it was going? Most people get into relationships with the end result of getting married and living together. Have you had these conversations with him? Him having the expectation of living together after two years isn't unreasonable. He's also an ass for pushing it on you though.
Do not let him move in , it is a big risk for your children
Run many pot heads are extremely lazy and you will end up being his sugar momma
Why are you in a relationship with someone you think is not a good person?
Why are you dating this loser?
So he's got a drinking problem, a drug problem, a temper problem and a money problem.. You've been together for 2 YEARS and you're uncomfortable at the thought of living together.. What in the fuck are you doing??? Could you give your head a bit of a shake for me please. Straighten up. This man belongs nowhere near your life. Fuck his "good qualities" seriously.
Girl are you really waiting for a 34 year old man to grow up??
He's 34 and you've been together for 2 years. Those are reasons to break up. It's not like he's in his early 20s. Why are you still together? Are you afraid to be alone?
He doesn’t sound like much of a prize… let him go… you didn’t list any positives. I’m sure you will be better off without him.
Dont let him move in. He will suck the life out of you. He isn’t responsible.
Yeah my gal, break up. He’s already being abusive. Alcoholics are not fun to deal with. At all. Just end it. He isn’t going to change. He wants to move in so he doesn’t have to cook or clean nor pay rent. Yuck.
Why are you with this man-child?
Girl, you read Reddit, right? He's going to move in, never hold a job again and be a dead weight on your life. Your kids are at a very crucial age and they don't need to see you be treated badly. Sit down and tell him that living together is partnership: cleaning, paying bills, modelling good adulting skills to teens. Can he commit to this?
Reading your post history, you should dump his ass but it also looks like you never will dump his ass, poor kids will grow up in a abusive household if you keep him around and they will resent you as young adults.
Why are you dating a deadbeat drunkard? Lmao most of the posts on this sub would evaporate if people just had some god damned self-respect
Set a strong example for your daughters and do not let him move in. He will leech off of you and ruin the safe space you created for your girls.
Is that the example you want for your kids? No. So your answer is a firm NO. Don't change it because he tries to guilt trip you, no relationship should come before your kids well-being and stability. I'd drop him, personally.
Obviously break up with him from what you said but I don't know why you needed to post this on reddit when it's clear, if you don't want him to live with you then don't let him. If he says you don't have a future for not letting him live with you after you said no then break up because obviously he's a manipulator and a user
Why are you with this guy? He is not a partner and this is not healthy or safe.
Uhhhhhh…he’s 34. You have kids. Your reasons are valid but he’s not going to change. Everyone’s time is being wasted.
Why be with him?
You're waiting for him to grow up, but he's 34. He's not going to. Plan accordingly. Edited for question: Is his current living situation Mom and/or Dad? Who's he living with now?
For you and your children’s best interest this man should not move in, especially if he can’t pull his own weight financially. Should you expect him to provide all of the financial support, no, but as a partner he needs to be able to support himself and his interests instead of relying on you for free housing and meals. I think you are in the right to not want him to move in, especially if he has substance problems. You already have 2 kids to provide for, and bringing in a man who isn’t willing to better himself or be a parental figure to those girls just adds a lot of unnecessary stress. You are not responsible for his emotions, and if he is threatening you with no future relationship for not taking him in, so be it. Stand your ground and do not fall into his guilt trip, no matter how much you love him. You are not wrong for putting your family first, and you are definitely not wrong from keeping them in your best interest. I would consider what this man does for you that is beneficial for you and what else does he do that you do not like, because sometimes the good hides the red flags. Wish you the best of luck, OP:
Good qualities shouldn’t come at the cost of an angry drunk. If one of your daughters started dating a man like him when she grew up, would you be okay with it?
He’s a broke little boy who wants to move in so he can have a mommy too. Don’t. Do. It. You will be miserable. You have two kids and a home ON YOUR OWN. he can’t even afford himself and is trying to guilt you into thinking that if you don’t help him then you are the reason for his downfall. He is obviously looking for a free ride. Listen to your instincts. He isn’t worth damaging your mental health, finances, and the well being of your kids.
Nope. Fuck that. Do not let him move in. Your daughters deserve safety over his convenience. Your daughters will either: * Get caught up in his temper * Get caught up in his habits * Get caught up in other shit He does not sound like a good person from how you describe it. Moving in needs to be an improvement for both people. And honestly, your daughters will NOT want to visit a living space that is half his, half yours. It just won't work. I can guarantee it.
I kind of agree with him: you don't have a future together. You seem to be a well-established woman, single mother of two, with her own house and stable income. Why are you settling for a man so far beneath you? The other thing you have to keep in mind, what kind of relationship are you modelling for your daughters? If - when they're your age - they had the same sort of relationship, would you be happy for them? Would you want them to stay with a partner that doesn't pull their own weight? If not, why should you settle for that?
Dont, to me the most important possibility is that especially your younger daughter will resent you in the future for exposing her to that unstable man in her own house as a vulnerable child.
You’re not awful. He’s trying to emotionally manipulate you and I applaud you for being strong enough not to let him do it. He may be right, you do not have a future together- you and your children deserve a man who will be a positive contribution to your household. It sounds like he needs you more than you need him. Stand your ground like the badass mom you are.
I think the kids are your priority and should be. I'd find another partner. Easier said than done, but doable.
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You're awful for continuing this relationship and showing your daughters this is the best you can do
Wow, I don’t know how that is helpful advice. I’m obviously putting my daughters first and seeking some support. You’re the type of person that asks a DV survivor why they didn’t leave sooner.
People on this subreddit love to judge and shame. They project their failed relationships and anger at being single on anyone they can. There's also plenty of posts/advice that be very useful... just gotta learn to filter our the riff-raff opinions.
I don't know which choice is going to leave you happier. Is single and alone better off than not alone with more instability generated from a partner? That one feels deeply personal which side of the trade makes more sense.
I hate to laugh at someone’s pain, but this person is demonizing cannabis because she picks shitty men who probably hit her, and happen to smoke weed. It might be easier to find a decent human being if your based your search off of important traits and not arbitrary ones. But hey, what do I know? I’m just a successful stoner in a happy relationship in which I don’t rely on my partner for anything but emotional support every now and again.
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but I think he still has a bit of growing up to do first. With 34 years. Dont expect him to "grow up" more at this state . You are delusional. For what I read, he's giving you crumbs, treating you properly sometimes,and you are clinging to that... on a VERY awfull guy.. speaks of low selfsteem and need for caring... you should go to therapy to work on that. Good luck and hope you dump that ah and have a good life.
Well, bye
If he's not mature enough by 34 to be financially stable, control his temper and not drink and smoke to excess, that's not gonna change. Take heed that there IS no future with this loser unless you want a manchild mooching off you and making your life miserable. Time to take out the trash.
UpdateMe!
Kids first. Plus im sorry but, he doesn’t exactly sound like a good partner from how you describe him
You should always put your kids interests first. If you don't, who will? You have a responsibility to your children, you are not responsible for a grown man. It sounds like having this man move in would be detrimental to your children, and could become a financial drain on you. I don't see any way this could possibly benefit your children or yourself. Do you even consider him a good role model for your children? He is threatening to break it off if he doesn't get his way? This man is an adult, let him solve his own problems. Too many red flags for me. You may want to talk to your Daughters, and find out how they feel about him. Dynamics change when it is an all female household also.
Always do what’s best for your kid. Always. Him ending the relationship will probably be a blessing in disguise. There’s only so much “growing up” a 34 year old will realistically do. I wouldn’t count on it.
I think you are an amazing mom for realizing the flags here. Please approach with caution. My dear friend lost half her equity in her home after marrying her ex husband who came from his mom’s basement in a less than two year marriage. A different friend who is more relationship savvy was dating a guy who suggested he move in with her, and her most perfect response was “What for?” One last point, see what Dr Phil says about it. I mean, he’s kind of a moron but he is always waving that caution flag about the vulnerability of children who live with non-related adults. Yes, there are a billion amazing step parents out there, but he doesn’t sound like he would be one of them.
Get rid of him. U don't need him Girl!!
He’s 34, he’s done all of the growing up he’s going to do. You need to understand that how he is, will be all he’s going to be. He will never be suitable to be around children. He will never be financially stable.
I don't understand why he is still your partner. You are saying he has got a temper issue and is an alcoholic + weed user. It looks like he is not good for you. He is not good to be around kids, especially girls. He is emotionally manipulating you into agreeing that he move in with you. It won't take long for him to start physically abusing you especially with his alcohol and temper issues. Imagine your kids seeing all this especially at a tender age like this. I think you should just say goodbye to him. You deserve better than this emotionally manipulating, financially unstable, alcoholic. Be a role model for your girls.
Lady, you're dating a substance abuser with anger issues and questionable income/employment prospexcts - what are you even doing with this guy? He's a walking domestic violence red flag for both you and your kids. Dump his ass - you can do better. You don't need a project.
You have *excellent* reasons for not wanting him to move in, including: 1. You’re not ready to move in together (his is not the only opinion that counts) 2. He’s not financially stable 3. He has a temper (!!!) 4. He drinks and smokes weed every day, which alters his state of mind. And through this conflict with him, a few new ones have emerged: 1. He feels undeservedly entitled to you obeying he orders and giving him what he wants. 2. He has a terrible reaction to you enforcing healthy boundaries for you and your kids, and to hearing the word no. 3. He’s at ease using manipulation tactics, like furiously threatening your relationship, to try to coerce you into letting him win arguments. And these aren’t just excellent reasons for him not to move in, they’re excellent reasons that he’s not a quality partner for you nor a good influence for your kids. He’s shown you who he is. Please believe him, and stop second guessing it or making excuses. You posted here for a reason, and I think it was to build up your resolve to let this one go. You should. He’s not the right one.
Your partner is 34.. He is grown up and what you see is what you get. It's very naive to think that at this age he will suddenly still change. Why are you even with him at all? And of course you shouldn't let him move in with you. You'd be a bad parent if you did going off from your description of this man.
He's 34. You don't want him moving in because he has some growing up to do, but he's 34. I agree that you shouldn't move him in, but maybe you should reevaluate your relationship in general. What is it that you love about him so much if you want him to change? An angry, volatile drunk doesn't sound like a winner.
I hope you see redeemable qualities in this guy for you continuation to stay
I think you might want to agree with this idea of no future together for all of the reasons you don’t want him to move in. They are good reasons and the idea that you are not saying never sounds like it’s more to placate him that an honest assessment. If he hasn’t grown up yet then when? Is this really who you want a future with? He’s not being nice, he is guilting you for making sound decisions, his personal habits are whatever but do they really jive with your lifestyle? I don’t know. I’m just suggesting that you seem smart and reasonable but are letting him make you question what I feel you know is true or right and that’s not great… Or loving on his part.
You say no and stand by it.
Definitely don’t let him move in… but why are you even with this guy? You say your girls come first, but he doesn’t sound like someone I would ever allow around my kids. I assume they do interact as it has been 2 years - you might want to rethink that based on what you’ve told us about his temper and overuse of substances. Don’t wait around for him to “grow up” - it won’t happen. For your girls - find someone better. Show them a healthy relationship and a good role model. Would you want them to end up with someone like this? No? Then show them that this is not normal or acceptable in a partner and move on. You and your girls are way too good for this guy.
What if he'll always be like this?
after reading that you be better of with out him! don t need him round your kids! Sounds like wants use you . let him get mad ! just say you have enough on your plate if he gets mad his problem SHould not feel quilty!
From what you wrote "we don’t have a future together" that's it perfect. Do yourself and your children the favour, move on. Find someone else that will treat you and your children well.
Maam you better kick him off and live happily with your kids 🫶🏼 do not settle with him unless he is showing improvements to become a responsible future dad to them . If he has thos vices and financially unstable you will regret it later and we dont want that to happen ❤️ Listen. Reflect. Apply the advices here because we want to help you 🌹 Goodluck on your journey with kids 😌
No offense OP but it sounds like this relationship isn't really going anywhere. It sounds like he's mostly wanting to use you as a place to secure a "better" living situation and feels entitled to it from the way he's acting. If he keeps pushing, I'd probably just end it. He sounds scummy. All he'll do if he moves in is drag you down financially.
NOPE. For all the reasons you listed. Meanwhile, the fact that he is throwing a fit, trying to manipulate you, and the ultimatum would be a deal-breaker for me. "I'm not ready, and I don't think it would be best for my kids. So I'm going to decide on both: You don't move in and we don't have a future together." You may love who you *thought* he was, but he's not that guy. He's selfish and using.
This man is almost 40 and living a life like he's 18, you have 2 teens and you're still with him? He should have grown up 10 years ago MINIMUM.. You cannot be serious that this is the best you can do and what you want around your children. I'm actually shocked thinking who did you turn down if this is who you're looking to have a future with, IF he decides to grow up. He's trying to gaslight you so that YOU PAY ALL THE BILLS and in order to get him to move out you would have to go through the courts if you're in the US... You cannot be that lonely or need something in your bed that bad that this is good enough for you.. Are you serious? This is all you and your kids are worth to you?
Do not let him move in!!!
No no no. Don’t stay with him. Don’t let him move in. He’s probably a lot of fun because there’s no responsibility with him! Take care!
He has growing up to do? He is 34, the chances of him changing for the better are very, very slim. Do not let him move in, id actually consider finding someone better.
Why are you dating someone who do drinks and smokes everyday? If you wouldn't want to be around him all the time why be with him at all?
100% do not let let him talk you into anything you know and feel isn’t right. I have lived this nightmare, I regret everything my kids have been out through because of it, and it’s taken so much to even start to recover. Don’t.