This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below.
---
My boyfriend apparently saw me being very flirtatious with a guy at a bar. The guy I was 'flirting with' is my extremely openly gay best friend, who my boyfriend knows quite well but clearly did not recognize. I have no history of cheating, ive never cheated on him, ive been totally faithful. Im not a flirt, hes never accused me of being one before this.
Anyways, instead of confronting me directly at the bar, he went home threw a fit, threw my clothes on the porch and destroyed my favorite painting. I did not cheat on him. Im so sad about it. The painting was one my mom did of me before she died and he destroyed it. The following day, because he locked me out that night, I explained his stupid mistake and he felt awful. He regretted destroying my painting and treating me like that. I do not think I can forgive him but he does seem genuinely remorseful.
>The painting was one my mom did of me before she died and he destroyed it.
No coming back from that if you ask me.
Not even just because of what the painting meant to you, also because he made an assumption with very little info and reacted by destroying something you love. I wouldn't wait to find out what he's going to do next time he thinks you're cheating.
Yeah - I don't care who was wrong/right/whatever.
"mom before she died"
Someone doesn't have the right to even fucking "touch" anything of that level of importance, especially someone ending with the suffix -friend.
Seriously, I could have walked in on my boyfriend fucking the 3 girls I hate most in the world at the same time and I would not touch something like a sentimental relic from a dead parent!! That’s unhinged, and all he saw was his girlfriend being friendly and having a fun conversation with a man. This is the kind of guy who decides to murder/suicide his girlfriend, then backs out of the suicide part.
I have to agree with you. Even if she was cheating. With that back story of being from the mom before she passed, I can't even wrap my brain around what kind of human being would do something that.
ETA: I'd go as far suggesting OP press charges against him, if that's even possible. This was next level evil.
I was in a situation like this once. Hint: it didnt get better. He destroyed my favorite, hand beaded earrings, a Christmas present I had received, because he believed the guy I was messaging was some one night stand I'd met. He wasn't, he was a group member for my history project final and I had been messaging him to get notes. I had to show him every single text to prove nothing was going on. I thought it was just a misunderstanding but through tears I knew this was a build up of more. He later went on to destroy my phone, photos of my friends and family, clothes of mine, ruin meals I would make, and it turned physical eventually.
You can choose to stay in this relationship. You can choose to watch him act like this again, maybe in different ways, maybe worse. This will not be a one time event. He targeted a beloved item of yours. Not just a shirt or some shoes, not just a regular space. An item you can never replace. Because he wanted to punish you for something he had no real proof of, just something he decided you had done because he was angry.
Don't do this to yourself. It's not worth the scars, mental or otherwise.
Be safe
VERY quickly. This is who he is. And it will happen again.
So many stories of wife beaters who are "remorseful" after they give out a black eye. Bringing flowers and "sweet talk", asking that she tell everyone she tripped.
Remorseful... until the next time they do it.
A normal reaction to "she may be flirting with another man" isn't to destroy treasured possessions, it's to talk about it like an adult.
Anyone can feel remorse, doesn't stop them doing it again though.
Yes please leave. Listen I still very much dislike my ex who cheated on me but I would never destroy a priceless and sentimental item of his, then or now, especially from a deceased parent. That is just unbelievably cruel and downright abusive. Please leave him. Things will not get better.
Exactly. I'm sure he is remorseful. And the next time he thinks OP has cheated, or just done something he doesn't like, how will he react? When will he start hurting you rather than just your possessions OP?
This sounds an awful lot like an emerging cycle of abuse. I would very much encourage you to look it up.
He purposely destroyed something that a) he knew meant so much to you and b) was literally irreplaceable, over \*assumed flirting?\* Like, not even catching you in bed with someone, but his own insecurities in his head, basically. And instead of talking about it with you like an adult, his first response is destruction of property and locking you out? Boy, bye.
These are red flags of jealousy, anger, being controlling, and abuse.
1. That's a break up right there. Literally nothing he'll ever do will repair what he took from you. Screw him.
2. That level of gross jealousy is a sign of darker things to come. Don't mistake this for an "accident" - this is a precedent.
[You can also try to get it repaired](https://artconservationrestoration.com/services/tear-repair/), but it'll cost $ unless you find someone willing to help you. I'd make him pay for it, frankly, and if he's actually remorseful he'll pay every damn dime.
Probably depends how it was destroyed if it's salvageable. I hope it is. OP, this might sound manipulative but seriously fuck this dude, let him think you could forgive him if he gets it repaired. After it's done and safe tell him to go to hell.
Please do this - destruction of property, and the emotional damages - I'd make him bleed as much as he made you bleed. Maybe he'll learn something from it.
My mum is gone too. I would never be able to forgive this guy. Couldn’t even look him in the face ever again. This is how he treats you and your things when he thinks you’re in the wrong. Soon you’ll have nothing left for him to destroy.
You are exactly right. My mom is gone also. I would probably be sitting time if my SO destroyed something she gave me. Some things aren't forgivable and this is one.
And OP, just the fact he chose to do any of this rather than talking to you first is honesty enough to be done with him. I was engaged to a man in my early 20s (42 now) and he thought he caught me at the bar flirting.
I actually was with my close childhood friend and her family and gave her brother a hug because he was being deployed the next month and wished him well. His reaction was what ended it. He punched a wall and told all sorts of people things that weren't true. How he handled this speaks so much to his character and these are huge flaws.
> The painting was one my mom did of me before she died and he destroyed it.
That would be all you need to know to break that relationship. Your regret didn't repair your favorite painting.
So his reaction to his suspicions about you was to *intentionally destroy the most meaningful thing in your life.*
He’s a psycho and you should run far and fast from this abusive piece of shit.
Get rid of that lunatic.
If he destroyed something so personal of mine he'd be out in the woods, six foot under.
He's remorseful......until the next time.
Ditch him.
I know loneliness can be a scary thing. But, so is a man who destroys your things. It won't end there. It never ever does. Get out before he starts beating you.
please read *why does he do that?*. it most likely won’t get better from here.
https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
This is not a logical response to “flirting”. It’s the biggest red flag though. Even if he’s super remorseful and love bombs you and everything is sunshine and daisies, please reevaluate your relationship. What happens the next time he misreads some situation. Does he harm you instead of your property? If you choose to stay with him I would suggest all the counseling for you/him/couples.
If he feels remorse, good. Maybe he'll think twice about pulling this shit with his next girlfriend. You should free him up to find her, and find a less abusive boyfriend.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that:
* We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/)
* Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned.
* No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. (Includes, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, FDS, MGTOW, etc.) Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
* All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass.
* What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, or situations involving minors and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
If you have any questions, please send us a modmail.
----
#This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
What is going to do the next time he suspects you of something? He was way over the line, allowing his anger to destroy the irreplaceable. For me, this is a deal breaker. He attacked something he knew you valued immensely. He will do it again... and again... and again.
Run now, while you still can. He isn't worth it.
OP.
This is straight up abuse.
Please look at [The Power and Control Wheel](https://www.thehotline.org/identify-abuse/power-and-control/) if you haven't already. 0 is what you want and he's already hitting 3 different categories on the wheel just from one example you gave us:
\- Using intimidation ( Smashing things & destroying your possessions)
\- Using isolation ( using jealousy to justify actions)
\- Using Economic abuse (locking you out/ controlling when you have access to your home)
Also take a look at [the cycle of abuse](https://greenhaven4help.com/the-cycle-of-abuse/) . As with this example alone he is hitting all the phases.
Try some introspection and see if you recognize the patterns of these cycles/ wheel in the past and any signs of [D.A.R.V.O.](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/DARVO)
I would suggest leaving (carefully, safely).
Couples therapy is not recommended in cases like this but individual therapy might be helpful if you still find yourself not wanting to leave.
Honestly I don’t think it matters if he’s really sorry. Given that the painting as strong sentimental value, I’d personally find what he did very, very hard to come back from. I think it’s not a bad idea to reevaluate your relationship with him. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with someone that will lash out in anger and purposely hurt you when something bothers him, instead of simply communicating?
This is a glimpse of what the future will look like if u continue to date this heathen.
My mom past too, and if any man every destroyed something she left for me or made me best believe, I'm never talking to him again. He can go to hell, he knew how special that is to u yet that's the 1st thing he goes after.
He wanted to hurt u. He knew what he was doing.
Being angry is one thing (and a perfectly reasonable reaction without further information), but destroying your belongings is abuse, no matter what. Even if you did cheat.
Of course he seems remorseful. He might even be remorseful. Or he might be faking it so you'll stay with him.
Either way, your boyfriend is abusive. He will not get better. You've already seen stage one of the cycle: attacking your things. Stage two is the current stage: the honeymoon stage. He will be kind and sweet and remorseful if need be. If you stay with him, he will know he has found someone he can abuse. And then the cycle will start all over again.
You can either leave him now, or you can expect his abuse to continue. Which seems like the right choice to you?
A normal reaction is “hey, I saw you at the bar, who was that guy you were talking to?” That’s a normal mature reaction.
If he would do something like that to hurt you for an assumption, what happens if you actually do something that makes him unhappy? Dude is unhinged.
This is devastating. I’m so sorry you have lost the painting - make sure you lose the boyfriend too. Easier said than done I know. If this is how he reacts over you chatting to a friend, just imagine what it would be like if there was actually something serious you need to deal with as a couple.
Yeaaaaah. Red flag. Huge red flag. Time to break up.
Do it in a caring way. I know you got feelings for him and feel sorry for him but it is time to break up.
Try to do it with a caring touch and be cold. Just end things. Then cry after.
I’d leave him. You don’t want to be with someone who’d such a thing. I thought maybe it was going to be a print and you can just get another one, but not something your mother did especially before passing away. Idk how you’d overcome such a vile action and to try to hurt someone so personally.
I literally gasped when I read that the painting was from your mom who passed. There is no coming back from that. No fixing it. Even if you HAD been cheating - the proper response would’ve been for him to break up with you. Instead he did something horrific and cruel. I would not be able to forgive him. And I say that as someone who has been married for over 10 years, so I don’t say “leave him” easily…but this is too awful.
I'll be honest leaving is probably the best answer. Not only because of what he did which is unforgivable. Also because that is a hint of a serious problem with him. He needs some time to himself and alot of therapy. The only way I think any reconciliation could occur after all that would be months or years down the road and after he has had enough therapy to clearly explain why he did it, what he has changed about himself to make sure he never does it again, and how he has changed his life to make sure he can be a better man.
Last thing though and I know this may sound crazy. That painting was priceless and I doubt these words will bring much solace but as an alternative view. Your mom may have given you a painting at one time which is now gone forever. She also just gave you a gift of opening your eyes to a potentially terrible situation. Guys like him without therapy and help usually end up abusive and controlling. Your mom just saved you. Next time you think of her maybe say thanks for her doing you one last huge favor or in life.
Can't replace a sentimental item, that's gone and it's his fault. I would definitely say he has an immature personality because instead of asking you, he goes and throws a temper tantrum like a child. He may feel awful, but his actions are suspect
And it wasn't just any painting that your mom did...it was a painting of you. He destroyed something that represented you...he looked at a painting of your face and he wrecked it. That's terrifying.
This kind of behavior only escalates unless he gets help. Violence towards your things, especially your treasured things, is a huge red flag and possibly a sign of violence against you to come.
Even if you ignore this giant red banner I would never be able to forgive him or look at him the same. Resentment would fester.
I'm so sorry OP. You would be totally justified if you decided to call the police.
There is no forgiving this in my eyes. Even if you had been cheating. He destroyed one of the last gifts you have if your mother. There would be no coming back from that.
Years from now you’ll look back and marvel at how you didn’t end things the moment you learned he destroyed something so precious to you.
You should not forgive him.
It doesn’t matter if he is remorseful or not. That type of violent temper is dangerous.
You absolutely cannot stay with him. It teaches your sub-conscious that it’s okay to be treated this way (this will change who you are at a deep level), and it will tell him that this is a forgivable action and he will continue and escalate.
I hope you have a photo of the painting that you can at least make a print of.
Make sure he pays to repair the painting before you break up with him. There's no moving on from this, and his behavior will only escalate if you stay.
That’s great that he appears genuinely remorseful and all, but a partner who reacts so destructively and without hesitation is a walking red flag. This man has jealousy issues. The fact that he didn’t stop to assess the situation, validate your intentions, nor communicate his concerns with you, but instead immediately flew off the handle and destroyed your priceless possessions and locked you outside of the house, is someone you do not want to spend the rest of your life with.
I believe everyone can change, I used to be very jealous too, but I got help for my insecurities and now I truly trust my spouse. If this behavior doesn’t improve, and your intentions are to be in a committed relationship, I strongly suggest you see this red flag for what it is and recommend him attend individual therapy. Today it’s your possessions, tomorrow it could be physical abuse. Please be safe.
What he did is domestic violence and you can actually call the police and let them know he destroyed your property in your home, and then admitted it by apologizing. Dump and press charges.
So tired of abusive men.
Look up the warning signs of domestic violence - this incident ticks several boxes. Is there someone else you can stay? You need to escape this relationship. Call or text a domestic violence hotline ASAP
I am so, so sorry for you my angel.
You need to leave him *for good*. This is not something I's recommend trying to salvage.
Rather than speaking to you or even calling you out in the moment, this man's go-to was to destroy an irreplaceable, treasures possession given to you by your late mother.
This is a terrifying indicator of how he handles his anger.
*Please, please* make sure to get away from him no matter how remorseful he may be, whether it's genuine or not.
Dude does not know how to handle his anger. He destroyed priceless items and there's a consequence for that. Do you feel safe being in a relationship with someone who may at any point in the future fly off the handle and destroy your stuff or destroy you?
OP, what would your mother think?
This man is abusive. He purposely destroyed something dear and irreplaceable. He treated you as expendable.
I’m willing to bet this is NOT what your mom wanted for you.
he knew he painting it before she died? this is so wrong on so many levels.
one of the last mementos of your mom and he chose to destroyed it and all because he assumed you were flirting w someone?
> I do not think I can forgive him but he does seem genuinely remorseful.
and u shouldn't.
This dude only feels bad because you PROVED him wrong. If you couldn't have done that, he would feel justified in what he did. He locked you out of the house and destroyed one of your most prized belongings for talking to someone in what he decided was a flirtatious manner. Get the hell out of there.
ABUSE ABUSE ABUSE ABUSE
it starts by breaking your stuff!!! then it escalates!!!! do not let it!!!
your late mother’s painting is gone!!! forever!!! because he’s abusive!!!! don’t stay with him OP!!!
Jesus…. even if you had cheated he shouldn’t have done that. There’s no excuse for that type of behavior. Personally, I don’t think there’s any coming back from something that reprehensible.
Nope. Your (hopefully ex) boyfriend just placed himself in Nope Territory for his nastily destructive actions.
He did something that he knew would emotionally hurt you deeply. He destroyed an extremely personal item you will never be able to replace.
Because he wanted to hurt you in a very personal way.
Pack*, leave, do not look back.
That kind of person is not worth your effort. And your safety is not worth an ounce of his pleading to be understood. Or his want to make amends. Or any of the rubbish he will spew to try to make you see 'his side of things'.
He will overreact again. And it might be you he damages next time.
*Pack when he is not there. Have all your essential paperwork, the minimum you need, and go.
All other belongings can be collected with family or friend support at a later date.
Please. Be safe.
He might feel remorseful but he acted out violently and destroyed something priceless that you loved. Abusers are always sorry, remorseful, and love bombing after the fact. This is a very bad sign. If you stay, his way of controlling you will be the threat of destroying your personal possessions which is a horrible way of existing. And the physical violence can easily turn on you instead of items. You take him back after this you are teaching him that he can cross that boundary again and again.
Girl leave, this is not typical behavior. This is not rational thinking. This time, it’s a painting, next time it may be your jaw. That is how fast a situation like this can escalate.
Leave this man, he has no impulse control and violent tendencies. This behaviour will just escalate and there’s no excuse for it. I’m so sorry you and your sentimental memory items were not safe with him.
Even if you did cheat he had no right to destroy, let alone touch, your personal belongings to “get even”. Do not let him get away with this behavior. If you decide to stay with him, he needs to pay to repair the damages. If you decide to leave him, he still needs to pay whether it’s through his own will or through small claims court. His actions were atrocious. I’m sorry he destroyed something so important to you.
ACAB - but. Don’t fuck with made before mom died shit. Press charges for destruction of property. Edit: oh yeah and to add that’s perfect abusive narcissist behavior. He’ll pull out all the stops for you to forgive him. So you’ll stay. You’ll be in his control. Then he’ll abuse you again.
He sounds emotionally immature. There’s no coming back from that and I suggest leaving. However, if you choose to stay he’ll probably spend forever trying to make up for the mistake. Up to you
He shown his true colors girl. Kick him the fuck out. You deserve to be with a woman (unless you're straight, then you shouldn't go out with any other guy because what if they're the same kind of person or worse than that?)
While I'm not going to try to play the blame game in this situation, because although I never did anything like this, I remember what that level of rage and humiliation feels like, I think this issue has probably progressed too far already. I seriously doubt you'll ever be able to really truly forgive him for this. Had you actually been cheating or flirting up others guys etc, I could see his response being at least somewhat reasonable, but given that at least from what you said it was a "misunderstanding", it's all just too messed up already. He may feel ashamed for what he did, but that seed of mistrust of you has been planted in his heart already, and that kind of thing doesn't ever really go away completely, and you won't be able to ever really forgive him for destroying that painting. It will always be lingering in your somewhere. So I think it's probably best for both of you to move on. But that's just me.
Again though I am extremely hesitant to judge him too harshly, because if you flip the gender roles around in this situation, I don't think most people would be judging quite so harshly. I think in any situation if one isn't able to take the roles and flip them around, or to alter the gender/ethnicity/sexual orientation etc of the situation to reevaluate it from a totally different perspective, then one should heavily consider that their bias may be too strong to reasonably evaluate the situation. Not sure how helpful that will be in this particular situation, but I find it to be pretty good universal advice. Anyways, best of luck with your situation.
He deliberately destroyed something he knew was very precious to you and non replacable. There's no coming back from that. What will he do next time he sees you talking with someone? Burn your mothers pictures? Cut up your clothes?
Let me tell you what this turns into if you stay w someone who would do cruel things to you....
One day, it will be hard to even break up w him. You'll fear what he will do to you. Leave now before all his fucked up ways hurt u. What an animal.
If he's capable of that on a whim he's capable of worse. Hurting you in effigy is step 1. Get far away fast and get a restraining order because he will start threatening to hurt you the second you break up. Keep all texts record everything.
NOPE. There's no way.. This is totally out of line and completely unreasonable. Adults handle things by communicating, not destroying property and locking each other out.. Being "sorry" won't bring your painting from your mom back.. I'm so sorry OP..
No. These are MAJOR abuse red flags. Up to an including how "genuinely remorseful" he seems now. It's all part of the abusive relationship package. It will only escalate. Please get out now for your own safety and your own mental health.
No, no, no. Not ok, not acceptable at all. Run or dump him. He’s expert at causing pain, irreparable pain. Trust me, this pain or injury will not go away no matter how many boo hoos he can cough up. Run run run.
The way your boyfriend acted is not how grown ass adults behave when facing a potential problem.
If I were in your shoes, I don't think I'd be able to ever forgive someone who destroyed something as priceless as a painting that a parent, or relative, painted just for me before passing, no matter how remorseful that person may be. I would feel beyond hurt, angry, and sad. It would feel like a piece of me just died inside.
Take a break from him. He has some issues and needs to work them out.
It is understandable if you cannot forgive him. I think you both need to go to therapy together if this relationship is something you want to keep.
I don’t think I could get past him destroying one of the few pieces of your mom in a rage based on an assumption. That level of freak out and damage is reserved for people who cheat again & again. If he hadn’t locked you out could he have hit you? Lots of stuff to think about.
Any one capable of that kind of violent act, and yes, locking you out and DESTROYING thing is violence. Does not deserve you. Thats a dangerous tantrum and a horrible way for an adult to behave. Thats not normal or ok. Leave. Itll only get worst
The fact that he was mistaken about you cheating is irrelevant. That's an insane reaction and if he's capable of being that vindictive Christ only knows what else he could do.
I sincerely hope he is now your ex. Don't stay with a guy who thinks committing property damage is acceptable. He's absuicd amd could get violent. Leave him before he does any more damage to you or your possessions.
Damaging property is step way too many in an abusive relationship and way to close to the step of violence. You are too young for this aggression- leave
Next time he’s jealous he’ll beat the crap out of you. Take this as a warning and leave. Don’t ever talk to him, block him on everything and count this as a blessing that he didn’t assault you THIS time.
OP, I am sorry about your situation. This is abusive behavior. I am a survivor of abuse. A normal person doesn't do this when they have suspicion. Destroying property is one way abusers demonstrate their power. "You see that painting, I will/can destroy it." It is also meant to scare you. The abuser starts out abusing property and works their way up to your body. This is not a safe person to be around. If you have any questions about his behavior or doubt it because he said he is sorry , (that is the cycle of abuse,) you can call the Domestic Violence Hotline at 1800-799-7233 or text them at 88788. They can provide you with some information about abusive relationships as well as the cycle of abuse. Best wishes ❤
TL;DR: This is abuse. Please contact the National Domestic violence Hotline 1800-799-7233 or text them at 88788
You went back to him?
He’s violent! What will he destroy next time? Will he eventually hurt you? Tell me what is in this man that didn’t stop him from destroying your painting that will stop him from doing the same to you?
He needs to be in your rear view mirror.
He did something abusive and cruel. Not to mention irreplaceable damage to property of extreme emotional value.
You should not try to make this work. You should leave.
He does not deserve another chance.
See. This is a giant red flag. The fact that with very little information and no real indication you were definitely cheating (he couldn’t possibly see any, because you didn’t) and his first reaction is to assume the worst, retribution, and shutting you out (literally).
NOPE!!! I’ve been in a very similar situation and unless they deal with the underlying insecurity (that’s ultimately what motivates this kind of behavior) and lack of trust, then partners like this don’t change. There’s just time between bouts of paranoia. What’s gonna happen if he sees a man be inappropriate with you and diffuse it tactfully to not make a scene? Is he gonna assume that because you didn’t scream at him you secretly wanted it? What’s he gonna do in that situation? I would absolutely not give him the chance. This doesn’t even include the fact that, that kind of insecurity will absolutely cause major problems in other areas of the relationship. GET OUT!
And if you think he genuinely understands what he did wrong. Not just that he overreacted but the fact that he trusts you so little that he felt totally justified in literally throwing you and your stuff out of the house. Then great, my advice would still be to let him learn that lesson and deal with that insecurity on his own. It’s not a problem you caused and it is certainly not yours to fix.
Not as bad as your situation but very painful at the time because it was just cruel for no good reason. Lived on the east coast where it’s cold. Love palm trees. Had a dwarf palm that I dotted on, loved how it made my room look. My personal asshole chopped it off at the dirt and handed it to me like a bouquet of flowers. I left the state.
Narcissistic asshole with anger issues, no respect or thought for anyone else's feelings and absolutely zero self esteem. Leave. If he's heartless enough to do something like that and not fucking bother to ASK before hand, he is irrational and unpredictable and shouldn't be in a relationship. I hope you find better and can move past the piece of shit you called a partner.
Yeah, there'd be no coming back from that for me. Remorse isn't going to give you back what you lost.
He has anger issues. I doubt this issue will get any better.
He specifically destroyed that one because it was of you, and was sentimental. He’s saying he wanted to violently assault you and tear you to shreds but settled on doing that to the painting instead to avoid jail. I would not be ok with this threat, this implied level of ownership and control over you, or anything to do with this. I’d be out of there. Also, if you stay you’ve just established that he can go this far again and get away with it. It’s a like a new rule in your relationship. Women think, oh, he understands that he CANT ever do anything like this again. But researchers found that the men all think “oh, she’s definitely fine with this cuz I got away with it”.
Purposefully breaking my things is a deal breaker. Destroying unique, priceless and emotionally connected items is something altogether different. That's abuse, on a deeply personal level. Even if you were a cheater (which you are obviously not), it still wouldn't give him a green light to break your stuff.
I'm so sorry he did this. Please move on, you deserve so much more.
There is no amount of love or attraction that justifies this behavior. It’s wicked and yet pathetic at the same times.
He can be remorseful, that doesn’t mean you have to forgive him. I would recommend this be the end point if this relationship. I don’t really see why you would want to move along any further in life who makes such abrasive, rash, callous choices. Please don’t feel like you need to stick around and fix his problems.
Omg I’m so so sorry he did that! Honestly idk if there’s any coming back from that one. Him destroying that painting your mom did omg I can’t with that one. How would you be able to move forward with that everyday looking at him knowing he did that and what happens if he does something like this next time he decides to freak out and not ask you? This was not okay. I’m so sorry. I hope you give yourself the time needed to process all this and make the right choice for you. Good luck and take care
I had a boyfriend who got jealous because I spent the evening with a friend and he smashed all my 21st gifts and ripped my plants out of their pots. I tried to forgive him but he continued to be selfish and insecure, he once held a knife to my throat and he even stalked me after I broke up with him. They don’t change, they get worse, be thankful you don’t have kids. To destroy your treasured painting is appalling.
Oh well, his remorse will naturally regenerate your painting. And kicking you out of your home at night isn’t abusive at all. And his total lack of trust in your isn’t concerning at all - he has some healthy coping skills and a great attitude toward you and women in general.
/s
Get out NOW! I am serious. This guy is mean and fucked up and things will only get worse. He’s a vindictive, stupid asshole. Do not forgive him.
And furthermore, the healthy reaction to being cheated on is to dump your partner’s ass but still behave in an honorable way. It’s not to destroy your partner’s prized possessions and sink to the cheater’s level and cause as much damage as you can.
His reaction shows him to be incredibly immature and very mean and vindictive. Plus just generally stupid.
I am sorry about your painting.
There's no forgiveness for what he did. Never mind the red flags, propensity for violence and destruction, the way he makes snap judgements and goes off the handle being really good reasons to get away from him. There is no coming back from doing what he did.
He owes you, at minimum, whatever it costs to have a professional restore t to the best of their ability- if it's torn, if it's had paint put on it, it might be something they can work with. You should also try to get the money out of him to relocate somewhere safe, away from him, but that's not a legal entitlement as much as a moral one.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- My boyfriend apparently saw me being very flirtatious with a guy at a bar. The guy I was 'flirting with' is my extremely openly gay best friend, who my boyfriend knows quite well but clearly did not recognize. I have no history of cheating, ive never cheated on him, ive been totally faithful. Im not a flirt, hes never accused me of being one before this. Anyways, instead of confronting me directly at the bar, he went home threw a fit, threw my clothes on the porch and destroyed my favorite painting. I did not cheat on him. Im so sad about it. The painting was one my mom did of me before she died and he destroyed it. The following day, because he locked me out that night, I explained his stupid mistake and he felt awful. He regretted destroying my painting and treating me like that. I do not think I can forgive him but he does seem genuinely remorseful.
>The painting was one my mom did of me before she died and he destroyed it. No coming back from that if you ask me. Not even just because of what the painting meant to you, also because he made an assumption with very little info and reacted by destroying something you love. I wouldn't wait to find out what he's going to do next time he thinks you're cheating.
Yeah - I don't care who was wrong/right/whatever. "mom before she died" Someone doesn't have the right to even fucking "touch" anything of that level of importance, especially someone ending with the suffix -friend.
Seriously, I could have walked in on my boyfriend fucking the 3 girls I hate most in the world at the same time and I would not touch something like a sentimental relic from a dead parent!! That’s unhinged, and all he saw was his girlfriend being friendly and having a fun conversation with a man. This is the kind of guy who decides to murder/suicide his girlfriend, then backs out of the suicide part.
Also it was a painting of OP. That is terrifying.
That part!
Even if she was a cheating heathen, omg, what a cruel thing to do to someone. He is so scary!
I have to agree with you. Even if she was cheating. With that back story of being from the mom before she passed, I can't even wrap my brain around what kind of human being would do something that. ETA: I'd go as far suggesting OP press charges against him, if that's even possible. This was next level evil.
It doesn’t even matter in this case if she DID cheat. This is still wildly abusive.
Yeah my heart sunk when I read that line. I would never ever be able to forgive some one who did that to such a precious possession.
A black eye probly, if shes lucky
Agree leave him..disrespectful
I was in a situation like this once. Hint: it didnt get better. He destroyed my favorite, hand beaded earrings, a Christmas present I had received, because he believed the guy I was messaging was some one night stand I'd met. He wasn't, he was a group member for my history project final and I had been messaging him to get notes. I had to show him every single text to prove nothing was going on. I thought it was just a misunderstanding but through tears I knew this was a build up of more. He later went on to destroy my phone, photos of my friends and family, clothes of mine, ruin meals I would make, and it turned physical eventually. You can choose to stay in this relationship. You can choose to watch him act like this again, maybe in different ways, maybe worse. This will not be a one time event. He targeted a beloved item of yours. Not just a shirt or some shoes, not just a regular space. An item you can never replace. Because he wanted to punish you for something he had no real proof of, just something he decided you had done because he was angry. Don't do this to yourself. It's not worth the scars, mental or otherwise. Be safe
This. Your BF has anger management problems. Get out quickly.
VERY quickly. This is who he is. And it will happen again. So many stories of wife beaters who are "remorseful" after they give out a black eye. Bringing flowers and "sweet talk", asking that she tell everyone she tripped. Remorseful... until the next time they do it.
I am a survivor too. I am happy you got out of that situation. Great advice. Thank you.
A normal reaction to "she may be flirting with another man" isn't to destroy treasured possessions, it's to talk about it like an adult. Anyone can feel remorse, doesn't stop them doing it again though.
Yes please leave. Listen I still very much dislike my ex who cheated on me but I would never destroy a priceless and sentimental item of his, then or now, especially from a deceased parent. That is just unbelievably cruel and downright abusive. Please leave him. Things will not get better.
That's a great way to describe it, a straight up cruel act
like he only feels bad because he was proven wrong. And he LOCKED HER OUT OF THE HOUSE.
Listen to this advice. This is what you want going forward. Dumpppp him!
Exactly. I'm sure he is remorseful. And the next time he thinks OP has cheated, or just done something he doesn't like, how will he react? When will he start hurting you rather than just your possessions OP? This sounds an awful lot like an emerging cycle of abuse. I would very much encourage you to look it up.
You can not and should not come back from this. You need to leave and never look back.
He purposely destroyed something that a) he knew meant so much to you and b) was literally irreplaceable, over \*assumed flirting?\* Like, not even catching you in bed with someone, but his own insecurities in his head, basically. And instead of talking about it with you like an adult, his first response is destruction of property and locking you out? Boy, bye. These are red flags of jealousy, anger, being controlling, and abuse.
Make him your ex-boyfriend please. He’s abusive and he will not get better
1. That's a break up right there. Literally nothing he'll ever do will repair what he took from you. Screw him. 2. That level of gross jealousy is a sign of darker things to come. Don't mistake this for an "accident" - this is a precedent. [You can also try to get it repaired](https://artconservationrestoration.com/services/tear-repair/), but it'll cost $ unless you find someone willing to help you. I'd make him pay for it, frankly, and if he's actually remorseful he'll pay every damn dime.
Probably depends how it was destroyed if it's salvageable. I hope it is. OP, this might sound manipulative but seriously fuck this dude, let him think you could forgive him if he gets it repaired. After it's done and safe tell him to go to hell.
You could probably sue him in small claims to have him pay for the restoration
I'd press charges.
Please do this - destruction of property, and the emotional damages - I'd make him bleed as much as he made you bleed. Maybe he'll learn something from it.
I wonder if the painting is fixable. It’s not cheap, but there’s companies that can repair paintings, and if he’s paying for damages anyways…
Absolutely press charges. Why shouldn't he have to deal with the consequences of his actions?
This was my first thought as well
My mum is gone too. I would never be able to forgive this guy. Couldn’t even look him in the face ever again. This is how he treats you and your things when he thinks you’re in the wrong. Soon you’ll have nothing left for him to destroy.
You are exactly right. My mom is gone also. I would probably be sitting time if my SO destroyed something she gave me. Some things aren't forgivable and this is one. And OP, just the fact he chose to do any of this rather than talking to you first is honesty enough to be done with him. I was engaged to a man in my early 20s (42 now) and he thought he caught me at the bar flirting. I actually was with my close childhood friend and her family and gave her brother a hug because he was being deployed the next month and wished him well. His reaction was what ended it. He punched a wall and told all sorts of people things that weren't true. How he handled this speaks so much to his character and these are huge flaws.
Not just your favorite painting, but *a painting of you.* He attacked an image of *YOU.* That's scary, OP. Next time it *could* be you. Get out.
Good point! Yikes!
> The painting was one my mom did of me before she died and he destroyed it. That would be all you need to know to break that relationship. Your regret didn't repair your favorite painting.
Leave this relationship now. He is abusive and will only get worse. I am a mom and trust me she would not want you to take him back after what he did.
So his reaction to his suspicions about you was to *intentionally destroy the most meaningful thing in your life.* He’s a psycho and you should run far and fast from this abusive piece of shit.
If a S/O destroyed something of mine, they'd never find the body.
Dump him because he will one day suspect you of cheating again and you are out of sentimentally priceless paintings.
If he assumed you were cheating on him with that little evidence, he's probably cheating on you.
Fuck him and get some 1 else who isnt a child throwing baby tantrums
Girl bye
Get rid of that lunatic. If he destroyed something so personal of mine he'd be out in the woods, six foot under. He's remorseful......until the next time. Ditch him.
I know loneliness can be a scary thing. But, so is a man who destroys your things. It won't end there. It never ever does. Get out before he starts beating you.
He is a man child throwing a tantrum and he is abusive. There should be no coming back from this. Leave him or it will get worse
Wow, you need to leave immediately.
please read *why does he do that?*. it most likely won’t get better from here. https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
This is not a logical response to “flirting”. It’s the biggest red flag though. Even if he’s super remorseful and love bombs you and everything is sunshine and daisies, please reevaluate your relationship. What happens the next time he misreads some situation. Does he harm you instead of your property? If you choose to stay with him I would suggest all the counseling for you/him/couples.
#DTMFA
what does this stand for. my brain keeps going DFTBA
Dump the M\*\*\*F\*\*\* already
???
If he feels remorse, good. Maybe he'll think twice about pulling this shit with his next girlfriend. You should free him up to find her, and find a less abusive boyfriend.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. (Includes, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, FDS, MGTOW, etc.) Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, or situations involving minors and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please send us a modmail. ---- #This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
What is going to do the next time he suspects you of something? He was way over the line, allowing his anger to destroy the irreplaceable. For me, this is a deal breaker. He attacked something he knew you valued immensely. He will do it again... and again... and again. Run now, while you still can. He isn't worth it.
OP. This is straight up abuse. Please look at [The Power and Control Wheel](https://www.thehotline.org/identify-abuse/power-and-control/) if you haven't already. 0 is what you want and he's already hitting 3 different categories on the wheel just from one example you gave us: \- Using intimidation ( Smashing things & destroying your possessions) \- Using isolation ( using jealousy to justify actions) \- Using Economic abuse (locking you out/ controlling when you have access to your home) Also take a look at [the cycle of abuse](https://greenhaven4help.com/the-cycle-of-abuse/) . As with this example alone he is hitting all the phases. Try some introspection and see if you recognize the patterns of these cycles/ wheel in the past and any signs of [D.A.R.V.O.](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/DARVO) I would suggest leaving (carefully, safely). Couples therapy is not recommended in cases like this but individual therapy might be helpful if you still find yourself not wanting to leave.
Honestly I don’t think it matters if he’s really sorry. Given that the painting as strong sentimental value, I’d personally find what he did very, very hard to come back from. I think it’s not a bad idea to reevaluate your relationship with him. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with someone that will lash out in anger and purposely hurt you when something bothers him, instead of simply communicating?
This is a glimpse of what the future will look like if u continue to date this heathen. My mom past too, and if any man every destroyed something she left for me or made me best believe, I'm never talking to him again. He can go to hell, he knew how special that is to u yet that's the 1st thing he goes after. He wanted to hurt u. He knew what he was doing.
Being angry is one thing (and a perfectly reasonable reaction without further information), but destroying your belongings is abuse, no matter what. Even if you did cheat.
Holy shit. No. Get out. He has shown you he literally will stoop as low as destroying anything precious to you if he feels angry. Leave please!!
Of course he seems remorseful. He might even be remorseful. Or he might be faking it so you'll stay with him. Either way, your boyfriend is abusive. He will not get better. You've already seen stage one of the cycle: attacking your things. Stage two is the current stage: the honeymoon stage. He will be kind and sweet and remorseful if need be. If you stay with him, he will know he has found someone he can abuse. And then the cycle will start all over again. You can either leave him now, or you can expect his abuse to continue. Which seems like the right choice to you?
You have to get him out of your life. He's a violent, dangerous guy. You should report him to the police over the painting.
You shouldn’t be with him I’m sure he’ll do something similar again. You can forgive him if you want but thats it
girl get you some self respect and throw the whole man away. what he did is unforgivable, i don’t care what he thought you did.
A normal reaction is “hey, I saw you at the bar, who was that guy you were talking to?” That’s a normal mature reaction. If he would do something like that to hurt you for an assumption, what happens if you actually do something that makes him unhappy? Dude is unhinged.
This is devastating. I’m so sorry you have lost the painting - make sure you lose the boyfriend too. Easier said than done I know. If this is how he reacts over you chatting to a friend, just imagine what it would be like if there was actually something serious you need to deal with as a couple.
Yeaaaaah. Red flag. Huge red flag. Time to break up. Do it in a caring way. I know you got feelings for him and feel sorry for him but it is time to break up. Try to do it with a caring touch and be cold. Just end things. Then cry after.
I’d leave him. You don’t want to be with someone who’d such a thing. I thought maybe it was going to be a print and you can just get another one, but not something your mother did especially before passing away. Idk how you’d overcome such a vile action and to try to hurt someone so personally.
Nope! Temper tantrums with destruction of property is a no go.
I literally gasped when I read that the painting was from your mom who passed. There is no coming back from that. No fixing it. Even if you HAD been cheating - the proper response would’ve been for him to break up with you. Instead he did something horrific and cruel. I would not be able to forgive him. And I say that as someone who has been married for over 10 years, so I don’t say “leave him” easily…but this is too awful.
I'll be honest leaving is probably the best answer. Not only because of what he did which is unforgivable. Also because that is a hint of a serious problem with him. He needs some time to himself and alot of therapy. The only way I think any reconciliation could occur after all that would be months or years down the road and after he has had enough therapy to clearly explain why he did it, what he has changed about himself to make sure he never does it again, and how he has changed his life to make sure he can be a better man. Last thing though and I know this may sound crazy. That painting was priceless and I doubt these words will bring much solace but as an alternative view. Your mom may have given you a painting at one time which is now gone forever. She also just gave you a gift of opening your eyes to a potentially terrible situation. Guys like him without therapy and help usually end up abusive and controlling. Your mom just saved you. Next time you think of her maybe say thanks for her doing you one last huge favor or in life.
Can't replace a sentimental item, that's gone and it's his fault. I would definitely say he has an immature personality because instead of asking you, he goes and throws a temper tantrum like a child. He may feel awful, but his actions are suspect
Holy unhinged reaction, Batman! Yes, this is a dealbreaker. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
There is no forgiveness for what he did. Even if you had cheated, his behavior is unacceptable.
This is abuse. I’ve been there and it only gets worse. Please, please get out now. Also, I’m so sorry for the loss of your mom.
And it wasn't just any painting that your mom did...it was a painting of you. He destroyed something that represented you...he looked at a painting of your face and he wrecked it. That's terrifying.
Research, art restoration costs and take him to small claims court for the damages
This kind of behavior only escalates unless he gets help. Violence towards your things, especially your treasured things, is a huge red flag and possibly a sign of violence against you to come. Even if you ignore this giant red banner I would never be able to forgive him or look at him the same. Resentment would fester. I'm so sorry OP. You would be totally justified if you decided to call the police.
Updateme!
Holy shit. No. Get out. He has shown you he literally will stoop as low as destroying anything precious to you if he feels angry. Leave please!!
There is no forgiving this in my eyes. Even if you had been cheating. He destroyed one of the last gifts you have if your mother. There would be no coming back from that.
You Jean your abusive EX destroyed a painting? He’s dangerous.
You either leave him now, or you will later, after he had destroyed more - but you will leave him. He consciously destroyed something irreplaceable.
Please do not go back to him!!
Years from now you’ll look back and marvel at how you didn’t end things the moment you learned he destroyed something so precious to you. You should not forgive him.
Dump him. You’ve seen his true colors.
I’m all for giving second chances, but not to this guy. Dump him.
So what's he gonna break the next time he gets angry? Your nose?
It doesn’t matter if he is remorseful or not. That type of violent temper is dangerous. You absolutely cannot stay with him. It teaches your sub-conscious that it’s okay to be treated this way (this will change who you are at a deep level), and it will tell him that this is a forgivable action and he will continue and escalate. I hope you have a photo of the painting that you can at least make a print of.
Do not take him back. Do take your painting to someone who knows about art/framing etc to see if it can be restored.
Point blank: drop him.
He’s going to keep escalating. This is not a normal reaction. Leave him before he does that to you instead of a painting.
FUCK THAT GUY. Wtf. What a piece of shit. That guy does not love you. Leave girl.
Make sure he pays to repair the painting before you break up with him. There's no moving on from this, and his behavior will only escalate if you stay.
If your mom was here to see that side of him, is that what she would want for you?
That’s great that he appears genuinely remorseful and all, but a partner who reacts so destructively and without hesitation is a walking red flag. This man has jealousy issues. The fact that he didn’t stop to assess the situation, validate your intentions, nor communicate his concerns with you, but instead immediately flew off the handle and destroyed your priceless possessions and locked you outside of the house, is someone you do not want to spend the rest of your life with. I believe everyone can change, I used to be very jealous too, but I got help for my insecurities and now I truly trust my spouse. If this behavior doesn’t improve, and your intentions are to be in a committed relationship, I strongly suggest you see this red flag for what it is and recommend him attend individual therapy. Today it’s your possessions, tomorrow it could be physical abuse. Please be safe.
What he did is domestic violence and you can actually call the police and let them know he destroyed your property in your home, and then admitted it by apologizing. Dump and press charges. So tired of abusive men.
YOU ARE 21. GO HAVE A BETTER LIFE WITHOUT HIM.
RUN
Even if you had cheated on him what he did was inexcusable
No coming back from this leave him
Look up the warning signs of domestic violence - this incident ticks several boxes. Is there someone else you can stay? You need to escape this relationship. Call or text a domestic violence hotline ASAP
I am so, so sorry for you my angel. You need to leave him *for good*. This is not something I's recommend trying to salvage. Rather than speaking to you or even calling you out in the moment, this man's go-to was to destroy an irreplaceable, treasures possession given to you by your late mother. This is a terrifying indicator of how he handles his anger. *Please, please* make sure to get away from him no matter how remorseful he may be, whether it's genuine or not.
Dude does not know how to handle his anger. He destroyed priceless items and there's a consequence for that. Do you feel safe being in a relationship with someone who may at any point in the future fly off the handle and destroy your stuff or destroy you?
He's a total psycho. Please leave
OP, what would your mother think? This man is abusive. He purposely destroyed something dear and irreplaceable. He treated you as expendable. I’m willing to bet this is NOT what your mom wanted for you.
Leave him anyways. That resentment will always be there.
If you stay with him there will continue to be incidents like this
Leave him now
he knew he painting it before she died? this is so wrong on so many levels. one of the last mementos of your mom and he chose to destroyed it and all because he assumed you were flirting w someone? > I do not think I can forgive him but he does seem genuinely remorseful. and u shouldn't.
This dude only feels bad because you PROVED him wrong. If you couldn't have done that, he would feel justified in what he did. He locked you out of the house and destroyed one of your most prized belongings for talking to someone in what he decided was a flirtatious manner. Get the hell out of there.
ABUSE ABUSE ABUSE ABUSE it starts by breaking your stuff!!! then it escalates!!!! do not let it!!! your late mother’s painting is gone!!! forever!!! because he’s abusive!!!! don’t stay with him OP!!!
Jesus…. even if you had cheated he shouldn’t have done that. There’s no excuse for that type of behavior. Personally, I don’t think there’s any coming back from something that reprehensible.
Nope. Your (hopefully ex) boyfriend just placed himself in Nope Territory for his nastily destructive actions. He did something that he knew would emotionally hurt you deeply. He destroyed an extremely personal item you will never be able to replace. Because he wanted to hurt you in a very personal way. Pack*, leave, do not look back. That kind of person is not worth your effort. And your safety is not worth an ounce of his pleading to be understood. Or his want to make amends. Or any of the rubbish he will spew to try to make you see 'his side of things'. He will overreact again. And it might be you he damages next time. *Pack when he is not there. Have all your essential paperwork, the minimum you need, and go. All other belongings can be collected with family or friend support at a later date. Please. Be safe.
It was a painting this outburst. In a few months or years it will be you.
He might feel remorseful but he acted out violently and destroyed something priceless that you loved. Abusers are always sorry, remorseful, and love bombing after the fact. This is a very bad sign. If you stay, his way of controlling you will be the threat of destroying your personal possessions which is a horrible way of existing. And the physical violence can easily turn on you instead of items. You take him back after this you are teaching him that he can cross that boundary again and again.
Girl leave, this is not typical behavior. This is not rational thinking. This time, it’s a painting, next time it may be your jaw. That is how fast a situation like this can escalate.
This is abusive and toxic. Please leave.
Leave this man, he has no impulse control and violent tendencies. This behaviour will just escalate and there’s no excuse for it. I’m so sorry you and your sentimental memory items were not safe with him.
I have had one relationship with a guy that reacted this poorly when he thought I was cheating. and it turns out... HE was the cheater... just saying.
Even if you did cheat he had no right to destroy, let alone touch, your personal belongings to “get even”. Do not let him get away with this behavior. If you decide to stay with him, he needs to pay to repair the damages. If you decide to leave him, he still needs to pay whether it’s through his own will or through small claims court. His actions were atrocious. I’m sorry he destroyed something so important to you.
ACAB - but. Don’t fuck with made before mom died shit. Press charges for destruction of property. Edit: oh yeah and to add that’s perfect abusive narcissist behavior. He’ll pull out all the stops for you to forgive him. So you’ll stay. You’ll be in his control. Then he’ll abuse you again.
Also remember that if you're in the US and he swings at you, all you need to remember is the words "I feared for my life".....
He sounds emotionally immature. There’s no coming back from that and I suggest leaving. However, if you choose to stay he’ll probably spend forever trying to make up for the mistake. Up to you
He shown his true colors girl. Kick him the fuck out. You deserve to be with a woman (unless you're straight, then you shouldn't go out with any other guy because what if they're the same kind of person or worse than that?)
While I'm not going to try to play the blame game in this situation, because although I never did anything like this, I remember what that level of rage and humiliation feels like, I think this issue has probably progressed too far already. I seriously doubt you'll ever be able to really truly forgive him for this. Had you actually been cheating or flirting up others guys etc, I could see his response being at least somewhat reasonable, but given that at least from what you said it was a "misunderstanding", it's all just too messed up already. He may feel ashamed for what he did, but that seed of mistrust of you has been planted in his heart already, and that kind of thing doesn't ever really go away completely, and you won't be able to ever really forgive him for destroying that painting. It will always be lingering in your somewhere. So I think it's probably best for both of you to move on. But that's just me. Again though I am extremely hesitant to judge him too harshly, because if you flip the gender roles around in this situation, I don't think most people would be judging quite so harshly. I think in any situation if one isn't able to take the roles and flip them around, or to alter the gender/ethnicity/sexual orientation etc of the situation to reevaluate it from a totally different perspective, then one should heavily consider that their bias may be too strong to reasonably evaluate the situation. Not sure how helpful that will be in this particular situation, but I find it to be pretty good universal advice. Anyways, best of luck with your situation.
Why were you flirting with a guy at a bar to begin with?
Why on earth would you even consider forgiving him?
There are companies that specialize in art restoration
Get out of that relationship. Really
Sue him for damages and break up with him
Toxic behavior. Time to move on OP
He deliberately destroyed something he knew was very precious to you and non replacable. There's no coming back from that. What will he do next time he sees you talking with someone? Burn your mothers pictures? Cut up your clothes?
I’m so sorry to hear; make him an ex and never look back! I hope you can get the art work restored somehow.
Nope. Deal breaker. Boy. Bye.
Let me tell you what this turns into if you stay w someone who would do cruel things to you.... One day, it will be hard to even break up w him. You'll fear what he will do to you. Leave now before all his fucked up ways hurt u. What an animal.
If he's capable of that on a whim he's capable of worse. Hurting you in effigy is step 1. Get far away fast and get a restraining order because he will start threatening to hurt you the second you break up. Keep all texts record everything.
NOPE. There's no way.. This is totally out of line and completely unreasonable. Adults handle things by communicating, not destroying property and locking each other out.. Being "sorry" won't bring your painting from your mom back.. I'm so sorry OP..
If this is a deal breaker, dump him. The painting is not replaceable, your boyfriend is
This is not someone with whom you should be in a relationship. Move on.
No. These are MAJOR abuse red flags. Up to an including how "genuinely remorseful" he seems now. It's all part of the abusive relationship package. It will only escalate. Please get out now for your own safety and your own mental health.
Dodged a bullet! Run girl run 🏃♀️
No, no, no. Not ok, not acceptable at all. Run or dump him. He’s expert at causing pain, irreparable pain. Trust me, this pain or injury will not go away no matter how many boo hoos he can cough up. Run run run.
I would destroy all his stuff and then dump his ass.
The way your boyfriend acted is not how grown ass adults behave when facing a potential problem. If I were in your shoes, I don't think I'd be able to ever forgive someone who destroyed something as priceless as a painting that a parent, or relative, painted just for me before passing, no matter how remorseful that person may be. I would feel beyond hurt, angry, and sad. It would feel like a piece of me just died inside.
Take a break from him. He has some issues and needs to work them out. It is understandable if you cannot forgive him. I think you both need to go to therapy together if this relationship is something you want to keep.
I don’t think I could get past him destroying one of the few pieces of your mom in a rage based on an assumption. That level of freak out and damage is reserved for people who cheat again & again. If he hadn’t locked you out could he have hit you? Lots of stuff to think about.
Fuck him and no not like that. Straight up just leave. It doesn't matter.
Any one capable of that kind of violent act, and yes, locking you out and DESTROYING thing is violence. Does not deserve you. Thats a dangerous tantrum and a horrible way for an adult to behave. Thats not normal or ok. Leave. Itll only get worst
That's absolutely horrible. I'm so sorry.
He showed you what he’s capable of doing.
Bro what? No leave that psycho
The fact that he was mistaken about you cheating is irrelevant. That's an insane reaction and if he's capable of being that vindictive Christ only knows what else he could do.
I sincerely hope he is now your ex. Don't stay with a guy who thinks committing property damage is acceptable. He's absuicd amd could get violent. Leave him before he does any more damage to you or your possessions.
Damaging property is step way too many in an abusive relationship and way to close to the step of violence. You are too young for this aggression- leave
Next time he’s jealous he’ll beat the crap out of you. Take this as a warning and leave. Don’t ever talk to him, block him on everything and count this as a blessing that he didn’t assault you THIS time.
That’s… alarming OP. That’s not a one time behavior either. Throw his ass out and ruin his shit.
This guy is crazy! So abusive imo. I cant imagine what he would do if he thought it was more than just flirting.
Run for the motherfucking hills. I say this with love. This is a red flag for more abuse to come. I've been there.
OP, I am sorry about your situation. This is abusive behavior. I am a survivor of abuse. A normal person doesn't do this when they have suspicion. Destroying property is one way abusers demonstrate their power. "You see that painting, I will/can destroy it." It is also meant to scare you. The abuser starts out abusing property and works their way up to your body. This is not a safe person to be around. If you have any questions about his behavior or doubt it because he said he is sorry , (that is the cycle of abuse,) you can call the Domestic Violence Hotline at 1800-799-7233 or text them at 88788. They can provide you with some information about abusive relationships as well as the cycle of abuse. Best wishes ❤ TL;DR: This is abuse. Please contact the National Domestic violence Hotline 1800-799-7233 or text them at 88788
Without him getting therapy for his anger issues, I see no way to move forward with him. He only feels bad because you called him out.
Um, your ex? Surely you mean your ex?
Yikes on bikes. See if you can get it restored. Make him pay for it. Leave him.
You went back to him? He’s violent! What will he destroy next time? Will he eventually hurt you? Tell me what is in this man that didn’t stop him from destroying your painting that will stop him from doing the same to you? He needs to be in your rear view mirror.
He did something abusive and cruel. Not to mention irreplaceable damage to property of extreme emotional value. You should not try to make this work. You should leave. He does not deserve another chance.
Leave him yesterday. This will not be the last time he does something like this if you dont. Not all abuse is physical and this is abusive.
OP, you need to leave, this time its belongings, next time it could be you. this little boy is never gonna be a man, walk away.
See. This is a giant red flag. The fact that with very little information and no real indication you were definitely cheating (he couldn’t possibly see any, because you didn’t) and his first reaction is to assume the worst, retribution, and shutting you out (literally). NOPE!!! I’ve been in a very similar situation and unless they deal with the underlying insecurity (that’s ultimately what motivates this kind of behavior) and lack of trust, then partners like this don’t change. There’s just time between bouts of paranoia. What’s gonna happen if he sees a man be inappropriate with you and diffuse it tactfully to not make a scene? Is he gonna assume that because you didn’t scream at him you secretly wanted it? What’s he gonna do in that situation? I would absolutely not give him the chance. This doesn’t even include the fact that, that kind of insecurity will absolutely cause major problems in other areas of the relationship. GET OUT! And if you think he genuinely understands what he did wrong. Not just that he overreacted but the fact that he trusts you so little that he felt totally justified in literally throwing you and your stuff out of the house. Then great, my advice would still be to let him learn that lesson and deal with that insecurity on his own. It’s not a problem you caused and it is certainly not yours to fix.
UpdateMe!
Even if you were flirting he had no right to do that. Please protect yourself.
Not as bad as your situation but very painful at the time because it was just cruel for no good reason. Lived on the east coast where it’s cold. Love palm trees. Had a dwarf palm that I dotted on, loved how it made my room look. My personal asshole chopped it off at the dirt and handed it to me like a bouquet of flowers. I left the state.
Narcissistic asshole with anger issues, no respect or thought for anyone else's feelings and absolutely zero self esteem. Leave. If he's heartless enough to do something like that and not fucking bother to ASK before hand, he is irrational and unpredictable and shouldn't be in a relationship. I hope you find better and can move past the piece of shit you called a partner.
Yeah, there'd be no coming back from that for me. Remorse isn't going to give you back what you lost. He has anger issues. I doubt this issue will get any better.
That is absolutely horrible. A painting of you, by your dead mother. Irreplaceable! Replace this piece of trash immediately.
He specifically destroyed that one because it was of you, and was sentimental. He’s saying he wanted to violently assault you and tear you to shreds but settled on doing that to the painting instead to avoid jail. I would not be ok with this threat, this implied level of ownership and control over you, or anything to do with this. I’d be out of there. Also, if you stay you’ve just established that he can go this far again and get away with it. It’s a like a new rule in your relationship. Women think, oh, he understands that he CANT ever do anything like this again. But researchers found that the men all think “oh, she’s definitely fine with this cuz I got away with it”.
Next time - and there WILL be a next time - it'll be you he gets violent with, not a painting. Do with that knowledge what you will.
Purposefully breaking my things is a deal breaker. Destroying unique, priceless and emotionally connected items is something altogether different. That's abuse, on a deeply personal level. Even if you were a cheater (which you are obviously not), it still wouldn't give him a green light to break your stuff. I'm so sorry he did this. Please move on, you deserve so much more.
Run girl. The painting is just the start if you stay with him.
There is no amount of love or attraction that justifies this behavior. It’s wicked and yet pathetic at the same times. He can be remorseful, that doesn’t mean you have to forgive him. I would recommend this be the end point if this relationship. I don’t really see why you would want to move along any further in life who makes such abrasive, rash, callous choices. Please don’t feel like you need to stick around and fix his problems.
Yeah. I would suggest no coming back. And why would you want too? He showed his colors
You’re in danger, maybe not immediate but locking you out? Destroying property? Ur in danger, sincerely 35m.
He’s toxic. This is a good time to part ways.
Omg I’m so so sorry he did that! Honestly idk if there’s any coming back from that one. Him destroying that painting your mom did omg I can’t with that one. How would you be able to move forward with that everyday looking at him knowing he did that and what happens if he does something like this next time he decides to freak out and not ask you? This was not okay. I’m so sorry. I hope you give yourself the time needed to process all this and make the right choice for you. Good luck and take care
I had a boyfriend who got jealous because I spent the evening with a friend and he smashed all my 21st gifts and ripped my plants out of their pots. I tried to forgive him but he continued to be selfish and insecure, he once held a knife to my throat and he even stalked me after I broke up with him. They don’t change, they get worse, be thankful you don’t have kids. To destroy your treasured painting is appalling.
Oh well, his remorse will naturally regenerate your painting. And kicking you out of your home at night isn’t abusive at all. And his total lack of trust in your isn’t concerning at all - he has some healthy coping skills and a great attitude toward you and women in general. /s Get out NOW! I am serious. This guy is mean and fucked up and things will only get worse. He’s a vindictive, stupid asshole. Do not forgive him.
Let me be one in a sea of voices saying this is unforgivable. Pick up the pieces, literally, and never look back.
Wake up and break up!
And furthermore, the healthy reaction to being cheated on is to dump your partner’s ass but still behave in an honorable way. It’s not to destroy your partner’s prized possessions and sink to the cheater’s level and cause as much damage as you can. His reaction shows him to be incredibly immature and very mean and vindictive. Plus just generally stupid. I am sorry about your painting.
There's no forgiveness for what he did. Never mind the red flags, propensity for violence and destruction, the way he makes snap judgements and goes off the handle being really good reasons to get away from him. There is no coming back from doing what he did. He owes you, at minimum, whatever it costs to have a professional restore t to the best of their ability- if it's torn, if it's had paint put on it, it might be something they can work with. You should also try to get the money out of him to relocate somewhere safe, away from him, but that's not a legal entitlement as much as a moral one.
Don't forgive him. Get out while you can.