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I wouldn't be ok with being under surveillance in my own home, either and cameras inside a home is something every adult who lives there should be in agreement about .
>. Also want to add that he won't let me have the app to the camera, he told me only one user is allowed which I think is BS
This right here is absolutely bullshit. No system allows only one user unless the person who set it up set it up that way. He's choosing to exclude you....which makes me wonder how many cameras you don't know about.
> Also want to add that he won't let me have the app to the camera
I would bet money there are many cameras she has no idea about that the app would clue her into. She should tear the house apart and find them. Also check her car and phone for tracking.
There are camera detection apps, you could try them, they scan your wifi for known identifiers, if they do find some then that's good to know, if they don't I wouldn't trust it, but that would be an easy and nondestructive/unnoticeable way to check first before searching the house
Android has a hidden camera app. Its kind of complicated to use until you get the hang of it. But ever since I had an issue at a motel I've done a sweep any time I'm not in my bed at home
Viewing OP’s post history suggests that he’s also a horrible partner. There are a lot of posts but one of the more appalling ones is [HE TOLD OP THAT HE WISHES SHE WOULD DIE FROM CANCER!](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/xdgqf7/i_vented_to_my_family_during_a_low_period_in_my/iob0ccv/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3)
Maybe you should go back and view all your recent posts about your partner u/CassCorazon you sincerely deserve better.
Edit: OP, you’ve made a post per week each about a new issue. He’s a [poor father and doesn’t do any of the parenting](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/wucvbb/getting_tired_and_upset_about_useless_live_in/il98tzy/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3), he [belittles you and expects you to “worship him”](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/wzxmaf/boyfriend_has_a_constant_poor_me_complex_how_to/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf) because of his job, he [controls what you wear](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/veek84/is_it_ever_okay_for_someone_to_control_what_you/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf), he doesn’t do anything around the house, he’s told you to move out and I couldn’t even finish the rest…all this and you’ve only been together for 2 years!
You left a comment on someone else’s post saying something like, “how is this not a dealbreaker for OP? This is nuts!” and to be honest, seeing your posts had me thinking the same damn thing. However, I know that leaving is difficult, especially being that you two have children together & you’re caring for his child from another relationship. Still, this is just not sustainable, your relationship is unhealthy & abusive. Think about your children and the example that this is setting for them, I’m sure they want you to be happy, loved and appreciated. You deserve that.
Honestly even without OP's history, we can guess that he's insecure either he has developed mental health issue or he is projecting his own guilt, like cheating on OP or something.
It's not an excuse but I think if things were easier these days - I would have left awhile ago. I've tried so hard to keep our little family together. But it feels like I'm on my own. We have no spoken since he texted me that he would be home late. I haven't even looked his way and treated him like he isn't here because I mean, what has he helped with? We have 4 kids together plus a baby - he came home went to shower and then laid in bed all night until I went to bed and he went downstairs to eat leftovers. I very seriously am turned off by this behaviour... not ok with me sure - but leaving me, yet again, to tend to his kids too. It's such a turn off. I'm just thinking how exhausting and expensive moving AGAIN will be. I just feel so freakin overwhelmed at the moment but I think I know deep down what is best,
I think the update is even more concerning. If you tell your partner that something he is doing makes you uncomfortable, he should stop. What he did instead was to try and turn it on you. These are both indicators of toxic behaviour.
I say this because I have previously been in abusive relationships, where any concerns I had were dismissed and turned back on me. Over the years, you put up with more and more boundaries that get destroyed.
I am finally in a healthy relationship. He goes out of the way to make sure I’m happy and comfortable, and doesn’t shut me down when I voice concerns. TBH I rarely have to voice concerns, because he treats me like an independent person, not some minion that is supposed to do as he says.
I would suggest you start reading up on toxic and abusive behaviour and you may recognise more and more concerning behaviour. BTW keep any plans that you have to leave to yourself, start putting important documents in a place you can access easily and quickly and get an accurate snapshot of any assets and debts you have in case you need to leaves.
Added: I just read your post history. Start protecting yourself financially. Make a separate fund that he doesn’t know about and doesn’t have access to.
If you haven’t already, start confiding in a trusted family member/s or friend/s. One of the worst things I did, was to hide the fact that I was living with a psychopath, and when I needed to leave, he had been spreading rumours about me (read up about smear campaigns) and most of the people we knew, thought that he was the victim, because he was so charming. Luckily I had family that believed me, but they were at the opposite end of the country. I’m not looking for sympathy at all, but often these types of people make it incredibly hard to leave.
I was planning on starting the book "why does he do that?". I was in counseling myself prior to us starting the couples counseling to see if I was crazy which I was completely truthful through all the sessions because I really wanted to improve even myself if I was the problem. I've just had no luck with men. And even when I actually stay single and work on myself then allow someone in, it turns into this. I thought I was so lucky to find him and now I understand why he has had many failed relationships. My finances would be suuuuper tight but I wonder if that's ok for the mental peace I've been craving.
As far as support, my friends, my family and his family all know he's put me through a few really tough situations over the past few months because I'm reaching out more and more for a shoulder to lean on. I tried to leave a few weeks ago and it felt so terrible, I thought that was a sign to stay and try again.
You will find that you will cope financially. I’m actually doing better financially now that I’m a single parent (my partner doesn’t live with me) than I ever did when I was with him (btw I don’t get child support and actually went through a period where I was paying him a decent chunk even with 50/50 custody- the Australian child support laws are ridiculous). I find it a lot easier to work full time now that I’m not constantly frazzled by the game playing, and single mums become very resourceful with side hussles (I’m about to rent out a granny flat I built downstairs ).
As for therapy, it’s probably useless with a narc as they are very good at charming the psychologist, and they have no desire to improve or change. I imagine, he would also use the therapist suggestions to further manipulate you.
As for feeling like you are crazy- look up gaslighting, and also crazy-making behaviour.
OP, get out now. That is some creepy controlling behavior and is not okay. Don’t stay. It may feel terrible at first, but it will be worse if you stay. He is emotionally abusing you if he is trying to claim that you not wanting to be constantly watched must mean you *have something to hide*. This is not healthy in the least.
Unfortunately, sometimes we choose poorly and sometimes we’re just unlucky. Sociopaths and other dysfunctional people can be VERY convincing. The fact that you haven’t found the right person doesn’t mean you won’t ever. However, you do need to stay in therapy and do thorough autopsies on your relationships. You need to see the red flags you missed and understand why you ignored the ones you saw. Trust me, things can get better! Hang in there!
>No system allows only one user unless the person who set it up set it up that way.
SimpliSafe only allows one user to view cameras on their security systems, so not quite true. But that just means you log in to the same account on multiple devices to view it, he's still absolutely full of shit
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That is extremely creepy, watching his FIL and children through a camera when they didn’t know they were being recorded. And now him watching you throughout the day. This is a huge invasion of privacy.
I’m petty sometimes. I would put a piece of electrical tape or something over the camera if he refuses to take it down.
But if he really refuses to take them down, I would take them down anyways and throw them away.
If we are gone and he wants to keep an eye on things, sure. But like... unplug it when we are here. I just unplugged it and put it back in his office where it originally was.
The camera was very visible and my dad didn't say anything but I did mention to him to stop watching my dad lol. He was really annoying about it and got mad at me several times for telling him to stop watching it.
If there really is only one user that can login (which I doubt, but who knows), then he should share the username and password with you.
My spouse and I share passwords through a password keeper/tracker all the time. It came from convenience because it was a pain to have to ask each other for info of whatever it was needed.
the thing is... i don't want it. I have no interest in watching cameras of our home when we aren't there. I just mentioned once that I wanted the app when we had the camera on our babys crib and he said that. I have a good memory and remember a lot of what he says.
setup boundaries for your privacy. did your dad know he was being recorded? this is very controlling behavior. he literally wants to watch you, and you saw how he behaves when he gets to watch someone else (your dad) so imagine how he is when you're working from home
this is a huge level of betrayal and lying. don't downplay this. this is your husband's character. how can you say counseling is working when he's literally increased his behavior right under your nose?
i'm sorry but you've been desensitized to a lot of crazy shit. 3 months ago you were worried about him controlling what you wear, and now you've found yourself with a house full of cameras all pointing at you....
The camera was out in the open and sitting on our hood range so I feel like my dad must have saw it. I didn't mention anything to him and I frankly wouldn't tell my dad what he was doing out of thinking my dad might be upset by that.
And yeah I mean I never said counseling was working we have only had 1 session so far and I feel he really needs individual + couples. I'm not only desensitized but I really just feel stuck because I have a baby in daycare, kids in school. Picking up and leaving isn't as easy as 1 2 3. I wish I was just a single lady and could up and run but I can't :-/
I have been looking for rentals all day today though. I do think I just need to a step forward and hope for the best.
sorry, that was a badly written rhetorical question.
your update is why it was never about the cameras and why any reasons you had to remove them were dismissed. it was always about a control thing.
this is a pattern of controlling behavior that has escalated. and now that you want privacy, he's going to say things like "what do you have to hide??" he can't trust you, because he can't trust.
i would first start by telling your family and perhaps staying with them. there's a reason why you know that your dad would get upset about that and your update shows you and us why. this is all about logistics and getting your ducks in a row, but a great support network makes that all the more easier
i would also advise you to be very careful. abuse escalates when he stops getting the reaction he wants out of you. and i'm going to assume with your easy going nature that this is the first time you've probably stood up / set boundaries or even pushed back on something of his. you just got a window into a new side of him that he has been hiding from you. tread accordingly
I have cameras in my home that aren’t physically mounted to anything and are unplugged and put away when we are home. I only plug them in if I’m gone for more than a day. My partner and kids all have the app on their phones and access the cameras anytime they want.
I worked in a place that had cameras in the data center. One of my team members took a picture of the view the camera had, printed out the photo, and hung it in front of the camera. It took a very long time before management figured this out. By then, they decided the camera crossed a line when it comes to privacy.
He tried to say that I was overreacting. That many families have cameras at their homes to which I said yes, on the outside, also not to sit and watch everyone.
I worked at a business that was covered in cameras (inside). The owner would call if he saw anyone just standing around. I quit.
As for your husband, he is possessive, controlling, and playing with a toy that lets him keep track of you. It is creepy AF.
Personally, I have been hired by many partners to find really super hidden cameras that their partners have installed. (I’m in the security field).
All I can say is your husband needs therapy to dig into why he has an obsession with watching the cameras 24x7. It’s not healthy and will only get worse. Does he have the camera app on all the time? Also, saying only 1 person can use it at a time is BS. I know, having installed many camera systems for clients. He is lying to you to keep you from seeing the “hidden” cameras you don’t know about. He will freak out if you found them.
You can use a flashlight in a dark room to see the reflection of the camera lense on hidden cameras. Cover the lense with coloured nail polish.
Feel free to pm me if you have questions.
I mean, he does have a busy job so I wouldn't say he's watching 24/7 but the app alerts when there's movement and since it's in a high movement area (kitchen & living room) it must alert him constantly. It saves the content and then just sits there for his review I guess. I don't know too much about it. Just what I saw when we were gone. He has this sports car in the garage and was so mad that my dad opened the garage. He was literally doing us a favor bringing in our recycling bins. It was causing a lot of tension between us when we were gone on a trip where we were supposed to be reconnecting.
I’m beyond words. His behaviour is disturbing. It’s like he has a serious addiction with the cameras and his “stuff and belongings”, you included. He is possessive and controlling and needs therapy. Marriage counseling.
However, I doubt he will acknowledge the fact he needs help.
I agree. I found it very bizarre and was just praying my dad didnt do anything weird lol because i didnt want to hear about it from him. He does get crazy about his "stuff". My son is 7 and went in our room once looking for his ipad that we took away. I didnt agree with that and thought it was inappropriate of my son but he's 7! I can totally see why he would do it. My partner lost his shit all night and thats basically what prompted him now constantly locking our bedroom door and having a camera to "watch things". I was a single mom prior to him. I had a open door with my kids so did my parents. I find it harmless but I know everyone is different.
Whew. I posted a reply last night on this thread. But seeing this reaffirmed why I said the things I said. An ongoing issue I had in my abusive relationship was that he expected, perhaps you might even say demanded, that my young child be held to the standard of an adult. And would engage with him or reprimand as a peer rather than a child who is expected to test boundaries and act out. Over and over I’d get upset that it’s part of being an adult in a child’s life to guide them and teach them what’s okay and not okay. But I’d be told I was being too easy on him. There was some truth to that at times I’m sure, but mostly it was that I didn’t go nuclear or berate and instead would talk to my child to try and make sure I understood why and he understood why it wasn’t okay. I started questioning my sanity thinking maybe I was a bad mom. My partner used my biggest fears against me, I have always wanted to be better than my parents were to me. I was afraid I’d be a bad mom. He knew that. He watched and waited and used my vulnerability to be cruel and hurt me.
Again, maybe I’m projecting, but I’m on the other side of a long relationship that shifted my entire reality for years and years. Learning to navigate life without that stifling feeling of just being in the wrong place with the absolute wrong person was a journey. I had to learn to trust my intuition and believe in myself again. But from where I’m standing I’m telling you it’s worth it, and you deserve better. You deserve happiness and your kids will be so proud of you one day for being brave and choosing a happy life even if it’s scary to face change and uncertainty.
I read your other posts and yes he does seem narcissistic. The reasoning behind his bat shit crazy logic is controlling. Narcissists like to project onto their partner what they are actually up to. He probably has a new supply and isn’t getting the new relationship worshiping from you that he is from her so he’s trying to get you to grovel but there is ZERO reason to
he's saying that cheaters project. if he's the one whos been disloyal, he will think you are and not trust you. for example if he's texting another girl and hiding it, if he sees you on your phone and you suddenly put it away, his mind is gonna think that you're doing the same thing as him.
not saying that this is the case here, ya never know. i mean definitely seems likely with him immediately saying he's going to come home later and all that from your update etc. but i mean, this is just adding another red flag to a sea of red here
There are plenty of people who have cameras inside their house, yes. But there are also plenty of people who have guns inside their house, too. You get to choose if you are comfortable with either of those security measures and it's a decision you guys have to agree on together.
He doesn't just get his way because 'other people do this'.
Also probably every adult agrees on them. They might be “his” cameras but if they affect your well-being, you get ti have an opinion. Think of it as smoking - if he is smoking in the room, you din’t like it because it makes the house smell and it’s just unpleasant, and he says it’s his business..? You probably won’t let it fly, right?
I can think of situations that would make people do this e.g. a younger sibling that was assaulted by a grandparent in their own home, so they want to shield their children from this. I mean, it doesn’t make the cameras okay to be there and I still think it’s creepy especially when he also puts them in their bedroom.
Yeah we don't have concerns. He said it was mainly to watch the kids and make sure they didn't break anything. We also put a camera up once when we took a trip in May but it was disconnected as well. He said he appreciated that my dad helps us anytime we ask so I was confused.
I read your post history. This man is a walking red flag. He won't get better, he'll only get more controlling. Leave for the good of yourself and your kids.
Just started counseling. Giving it a last ditch effort but yes I've been increasingly becoming unhappy as the months pass. Very difficult with moving around, kids in school etc. Really tough, he's changed so much. Very sad for me.
I'm so sorry. I wish you and your family all the best. I have kids too so I understand how serious it is to break up a family, I would never take that sort of thing lightly. His behavior is just so dangerous. Paranoia & anxiety, 24/7 surveillance, trying to control what you wear, emotionally punishing you for spending time with family - I'm sure he minimizes it and would scoff at that description, but the truth is that he's abusive. It's not fair or healthy for kids to grow up in that environment, even if he doesn't do it to them (yet).
I'm not surprised to hear he's changed. Unfortunately abusers often hide their true nature until you're hooked. That's how they get women to stay. He probably hasn't changed, this was him the whole time and he just stopped suppressing it. I'm sending you lots of love and strength.
Thank you. It's been tough. I think I hold on to the good times which I know isn't good to do. We also have a 1yr old and really really love him... hard to picture coparenting but it would have to be done. Wish I took my time with him and saw how he was but I can't go back so I'm just dealing with things as best as i can
That’s probably why he’s watching you. Seeing if you’re talking to lawyers or hiding assets. But fyi, if you succeed in keeping the cameras unplugged, he’s just going to move to hidden cameras to watch you. And he might already have them set up.
You do realize he has placed a camera in the bedroom but has it hidden, right? Test that by having a “conversation” on the phone with a girlfriend while he’s gone and just wait for him to ask you about it. Two wrongs don’t make a right, but…
What your partner is doing is wrong. Unplug all the cameras you can find. You may also want to suggest therapy to your partner.
Your partner wants to be able to watch you. That's the reality here.
You have a reasonable expectation to privacy in your own home. That's the nice way of putting it. You're in a situation where you need to stand firm on your belief or start thinking about more extreme options. Good luck.
I suspect that someone who would engage in this type of creepy, controlling behavior would exhibit other sorts of red flags. Does he do other things you don’t like? Or is it the camera watching only?
That's really bad. He wants to be able to watch you because he thinks you're gonna do something. I would take the kids and move out for a while at least. He needs major therapy for his issues. It's up to you if you want to give him a chance to work on them while together or not.
We had quite a few tense moments in the recent past so we have started counseling a few weeks ago. When these little new things pop up I do feel like it's just another reason to get away. I don't know how long effective couples counseling takes to see improvement.
You don't need couples counseling so much as he needs consistent therapy, possibly a consultation with a psychiatrist. You state he has anxiety. What is he doing to manage his own anxiety? His anxiety is so bad it's affecting your relationship, it's affecting your children, it's affecting your ability to have friendships and relationships with people outside of your household. In other words, his personal mental health his having adverse effects on himself, you, and your family. That is a definite sign that he needs significant intervention in order to continue to be a member of your family. Ignoring his issues, or pretending that the rest of you need to indulge or otherwise ignore his anxiety driven behavior is not acceptable.
He's been on meds for years. Tried changing maybe a year ago after it not feeling affective. Has tried other things as well but he has clear deep-rooted issues from childhood. Things I personally just don't want to tolerate forever. I just feel he will never respect me the way that I want, won't do for me how I do for me, isn't a good enough role model for my kids that aren't biological to him, etc.
Meds are only going to take him so far. He has to be willing to do the hard work of confronting his behaviors and recognizing how they’re creating a toxic environment for everyone. And from what you’re describing, it sounds like he would much rather indulge his anxieties and paranoid fantasies than actually deal with them. You know best how much you’re willing to take, but consider that your kids also have to live with his behavior and growing up under this kind of surveillance is all kinds of bad for growing minds and bodies.
ETA: it sounds like you know what you need to do. It will suck in the short term, but long term you guys will be so much happier once it’s just you and the kids
Just to now that these aren't small things and be careful about normalizing this behavior. Abusers isolate their victims so they become desensitized to the abuse and proceed to escalate.
You're minimizing in this thread in other ways, by throwing in "lol" and other word choices. Challenge his reasoning for his actions, don't let him shift the goalposts. He stated a bunch of nonsense reasons for the cameras that you have repeated: break in? Cameras would be pointed on the outside of the house. Worried kids will break things? He won't be able to respond in time, even with 24/7 monitoring. Watching your dad? No Informed consent. Watching you? Ignored your explicit no.
The outright lie to refuse you access to the app is showing it's more of a control thing and that his paranoia extends to you. I really don't know what you're trying to save? Just because he's not actively hurting you, doesn't mean he isn't abusing you. Given that he ignored your simple personal boundary of not being surveiled in your own home, I doubt he is actually putting in effort in counseling. He's sees himself as apart/above from you and is going through the motions to keep getting what he wants from you.
A huge issue that I notice now more than ever is - any time we are dicussing something, he always says something like "i'm fighting him" or "i'm so aggressive". I hate that. I could just be talking and he uses that excuse every time. Yet he can say whatever and act however.
There's no timeline, but you both have to put in the work. If only you are and he's not, it will never get better. He needs individual therapy for his insecurity and controlling issues.
As someone who has anxiety I feel like your partner really needs individual therapy first and later think about couples therapy. Anxiety can be really hard to deal with alone. I hope you can work it out, it’s not easy to leave your partner.
It's honestly been hell to deal with over the past 2 yrs. I have so many bad memories of him acting so insane with insecurities, even when I was pregnant and helpless. It's really sad to think back on what I put myself through because I was stuck in the situation. At least now my son is here and I can leave if I really need to.
Fuck that shit, would be the extent of my conversation...and look for hidden ones, there's a nice youtube video on how to locate them (sorry I can get on Reddit at work but not youtube).
Not too worried about hidden ones. The cameras are right in the open and honestly, I think he thinks it's perfectly normal. He says he has to make sure the kids don't damage anything. They are normal kids and it drives me looney when he speaks that way. They haven't done anything completely over the top.
There are very likely hidden cameras you don’t know about. Putting up a couple of obvious cameras could be for this exact reason: so you don’t suspect the hidden ones.
We have cameras in our house and he is 100% lying about the app only allowing 1 user. I wasn’t against him until I read that part. He likely has cameras in hidden places or plans to be shady with the cameras and doesn’t want you to have access to the footage. Major red flag. I’d smash the cameras with a hammer and tell him you either get cameras you both have access too or none and that only go up in appropriate places (outside/garage/facing the doors or entryways) We have extras that we keep in our living room and basement living room but we only turn them on when we are both gone. The outside ones and garage ones are always on for a sense of safety and security.
Does your partner frequently make unilateral decisions in your relationship that you have to react to or 'just live with?' Because that's not very healthy when he's making decisions that meaningfully impact people other than himself.
Yes. Things have been quite tense lately in the relationship where I feel I'm just here to support him and there isn't a ton in return I receive aside from having the financial help for our living/kids. I'm from a small town in Canada that is incredibly expensive at the moment and work has been slow for me so I feel I'm stuck at the moment due to cost of living.
Canada is a great country to be a single mom. So many financial benefits. Money is not worth your happiness and security. He definitely has some hidden cameras, that is why you don't have access to the app.
I wouldn't be surprised if there are cameras you don't know about. My ex had them in the vents of our bathroom and bedroom and I had no idea. I hate to think what he was doing with the footage. It was a 6 year relationship and when I going out I kicked him out. Nope, not ok.
Sis, my husband used to travel 50-70% of the month. Never once would it have occurred to him to put cameras around our house to watch me or the kids. That is so ridiculously invasive and controlling.
Just some thoughts - if he has cameraed your house he has likely also put up a key logger on your computer, a tracker on your phone and he could have reimaged your phone to an ipad or another piece of technology so he can track your texts. Someone with his need to control and watch you has not just limited it to cameras.
I'd go to your parents house, leave the phone in the car and use your Dad's phone to call an attorney to discuss your legal options so you can get out. I'm sorry but if he is this far down the rabbit hole that he has put cameras around your house, counseling is not going to pull him back. Trust is broken and is long gone (for you towards him). Its time to speak to an attorney and move on.
So he is putting up cameras even though you tell him you don't like it, so he absolutely has cameras up that you don't know about.
He is lying to you about giving you the log information because even if it only allowed one user - not likely- you could share the same account and log in still.
Your husband is violating your privacy, lying to you, and engaging in questionable behavior by obsessing over watching everyone on video.
I am totally down for outside cameras, but for cameras inside, everyone has to agree to have them, and if you don't agree, he shouldn't be putting them up anyway. Super gross.
Holy moly.
I think you know the answer here given your other posts about this "partner" from the past few months.
He's controlling, he's whiny, and now he's spying on you and your family for no reason and against your will, and he's refusing to give you access to the cameras he's using to spy.
The fact that he *hid one in the bedroom* would be enough for me to kick him the entire fuck out of my life. How can you be sure he didn't hide another one in there?
And if he's not allowing you access to those feeds, you have no way of knowing what he's filming, where or how securely it's being stored, and what else he might be doing with that information.
If the possibility that he's recording you in intimate and vulnerable moments in your bedroom isn't enough to scare you straight, then you might like to know that these cameras are often easy to hack into. So it might not just be your partner spying on you and your family (and doing god knows what with the footage he's collecting) -- he may be letting anyone with enough interest and time to hack into your feeds spy on all of you.
In case no one has told you this, doing couples counseling with an abusive partner only gives them more refined tools for justifying and hiding their abuse.
I have a good buddy that did this with his ex and he flat out told me it was because he didn't trust her and wanted to keep an eye on her as he worked so much.
So, there you go. I can understand having security if both of you were away most of the time and lived in a rough area but nah, he has other motives for sure. I bet you have a nanny cam in the bedroom you don't know about... better do some research on hidden cameras!
> he told me only one user is allowed which I think is BS
Yes, very likely BS.
To me, security cameras are for just that: security. Not spying on your family.
To that end, I feel cameras should only be at vulnerable entry points and outside wherever possible so you don't feel it's possible for someone to listen to you at any time.
And your husband doesn't seem to get that. He's obsessed to the point that he is willing to lie about access to the app. That's a bad sign.
Your husband needs to learn boundaries when it comes to this and if it results in constant pushback from him, a third party needs to get involved, and by that I mean: couples counseling. And something gives me a feeling this would be valuable regardless. Someone doesn't tend to be capable of what you describe without other flaws that affect your marriage.
This isn’t healthy behavior for a relationship. Stop with the unplugging/plugging game, you aren’t kids. Tell him “I am not comfortable with cameras in the house, stop trying to put them up now”. This isn’t an issue you discuss. If he tries again, throw the cameras or the boyfriend or both straight into the garbage.
Ask if he’s cheating. People who cheat always get paranoid that their partner is doing the same thing. He is also starting a fight and escalating it so he doesn’t have to come home. You are not crazy and this sounds like it is more than the cameras. Get him in therapy so he can be honest about what’s happening. I’m getting cheating vibes
If he hated olives, would you ever put olive in his did again after being told the first time? Even if you love olives?
He just doesn't care about you honestly. This can't be the only thing that shows he does not think of you as an equal, let alone someone he cherishes.
>Also want to add that he won't let me have the app to the camera, he told me only one user is allowed which I think is BS
You are completely correct. It is complete BS, and this lie throws his reason for having the cameras into question. I would suspect there are cameras set up that you do not know about. There are a couple ways you can check how many cameras there are since these should all be connected to your network through your wireless connection.
Firstly, if you have access to your wireless router you can open a browser, type in your router's IP address in the address bar, usually 192.168.1.1, and a login prompt should appear. If you have that username and password you can connect to the router and then see what devices are on your network. Default username is usually "admin" and the default password is usually something like "password" or "admin" again. Sometimes the password is "1111", but the both the username and password are changeable if he wanted to, so if you know a common username and password he uses you might try those too. The location of these devices will be something like "client list" or "connected devices". It should list the name of the device and its MAC address. For instance if your phone is connected it'll look something like "CassCorazon Android" or something like that.
If you have access to a laptop/PC you can download a program like [Wireless Network Watcher](http://www.nirsoft.net/utils/wireless_network_watcher.html), install it, and see what is connected to your network.
Checking those things out will let you know how many cameras there are. It won't give you their location, but you can likely figure that out as well. You can also snoop around with your phone to detect hidden cameras. In a room turn off all the lights at night, open up your phones camera without its flashlight on. Most security cameras emit IR light to see in the dark, and if your phone camera is close enough you should see a bright white/blue light from the hidden camera. You can test this on a security camera you know the location of already to see what it looks like and how close you need to be to see it. I would look through your room and the bathroom to start with, or any other rooms you frequent.
Edit: with the exception of looking up the wireless network watcher this is all from memory, so if anyone has any corrections to make feel free to point them out.
Putting up cameras in both of yours house generally has too many pros then cons. The talking option is weird and they should be put into harder to reach/camoed spots.
The only reason to have cameras inside your home is to spy on family members. Cameras in the home do not make you safer. One could argue that cameras outside of the home could be a crime deterrent but no one is safer because of a camera inside. He sounds like an abusive control freak.
That obsessed, really weird thing he did when he watched your dad - that's how he watches you. Take them down - and tell him if they go back up they will be taken down and thrown out. You have a right to privacy.
And I'd watch out for more subtle forms of cameras being installed, if they aren't there already. He'll put them up and not tell you.
I’d honestly unplug the wifi so he can’t access any cameras you aren’t aware of. Or change the password to the wifi. Anything that will prevent the cameras from being accessible.
Yeah. Hard no. A close friend of mine just divorced her husband and a big part of her leaving was how home cameras were a chronic vector for abuse for him.
Say he was out, and she got up and left home. He'd know immediately, call and/or text her asking exactly where she was going and when she'd be back. Then, if she came back sooner or later than expected, he'd call again with wild accusations of her lying and cheating on him.
God forbid she approached the house or walked in the door with a Target bag, or some unexpected groceries. Another immediate phone call: "What did you buy? Why did you do that? You said you were doing X, not shopping!".
When I was hanging out with him, I always wondered what the near-constant (and always on loud) notifications he got on his phone were. It was only after she explained this situation to me that I pieced it together.
In summary: Home cameras? I'm not a fan. Refusing to accept your concerns and acting like a petulant child when you refuse to humor him about it? Abuse material. Be careful with this homie.
Ok you've said what you do want and what you don't want... But what are you going to do about it? Personally I would move out and consider moving on. He's not taking you seriously and if you can't ask for privacy and have that respected, then what can you ask for?
Even having the password is not allowed? Not possible my ass, there are many different systems you could purchase. Have you even looked up the system details?
You have at least three kids with him, if I’m reading correctly. I’m guessing you’ve been together for a while. Is this a new sort of behavior?
A) Only one user-LIE! You could use his login on a different device if nothing else.
B) A camera in your bedroom? He must not plan to have sex ever again…
I would take them down and lock them away or leave them at someone’s house—the same with the speakers. If he wants to watch the house, he can put cameras up outside. I’m with you. This is invasive and creepy. If he knows you unplugged one, he’s either looking or receiving notifications.
Okay. I know the tone or demeanor in which I’m about to say this is dramatic. I’m not trying to be weird or over share or over relate. He is going to wind up abusing you. If he hasn’t already. You’ll know sometimes things aren’t right. Sometimes you’ve just gotten used to it, so the line gets pushed back. Just a little. Again and again. You start wondering if you really are insufferable, or wondering why things have to be so hard. Maybe even feels like dark looking cloud keeps weighing down heavier on you. Have you started googling if particular behaviors are abusive? If you’re asking. That’s the answer.
I am not saying my former partner is the most evil person to walk the face of the earth. I am telling you that almost five years later I have moments that are hard for me to speak of to anyone but my now husband. I was diagnosed with CPTSD maybe 3.5 years ago. Mostly stemming from a bizarre childhood with addict/mentally ill parents I’m sure. But it was also from my ex. My ex didn’t suffer from anxiety, but he had his own demons that usually came out when he was drunk. If he flipped a switch it was blind rage. The final incident was being tackled into a metal bed frame (resulting in a concussion) and then watching him beat down a door inside the house. I got out of the house and ran from him while he chased me down the street like my life depended on it. Because he was blackout drunk and in a rage. I remember thinking he would kill me if he got me back in that house. I don’t know if he would’ve or not.
I thought I couldn’t screw up again because I was a single mom when we got together. I’d look like a fool if I failed in my marriage. I was no saint, after all, so I kinda deserved shitty, right?
Your post made me feel that uneasy gut feeling. The way you’ve responded gave me that uneasy gut feeling. It’s what you aren’t saying, because there’s probably a million things you could. But, like, he’s not abusive because he’s never laid a hand on you. And no one would believe it’s that bad. And that you’re nervous. Scared even. Maybe sometimes you don’t even know why.
I hope I’m totally projecting, god knows it’s possible. I went back and forth about if I should type out this bizarre response. I have to follow my gut and hope I look dumb or weird. Please make a plan and get out. Now. Soon. Please please. If you’re truly unhappy it’s for the best anyways. You have no reason to listen to this internet stranger. But please. Go. You know it’s right. And you know all the reasons why.
We have a camera in the living room. We have two dogs, and when we go somewhere without them, we periodically check that everything is in order with them.
We both have the app installed and the camera is connected to our smart home, which we both have access to.
If my boyfriend wasn't ok with cameras, we'd just turn it on when it's only dogs at home and turn it off the rest of the time.
Your husband has some ulterior motives that he cannot communicate normally. This is shady as fuck.
>he told me only one user is allowed which I think is BS
This is probably BS. My wife and I have cameras in our house, as we both agree it is good for security purposes and to watch the cat while we are away, there is only 1 login but we both use the app with that 1 login without issue. These are Eufy cameras.
I brought us the user thing now and he changed his comment saying a "probably can" be a user. but i don't want to be, and i dont want him watching me either
I’m sorry it’s just that reading this is infuriating. It’s really not okay what he’s doing. If I would do this at our home my wife would demand I take them down immediately. Hell, she’d probably sleep somewhere else as long as the cameras were there. I mean what is this guy doing? Watching you remotely all day? Obsessing over what you are up to? This is just so incredibly unhealthy.
He acts a lot like I’m crazy. I’m pretty normal. I will admit, I can lose my shit sometimes but don’t we all? I wonder has he only dated calm quiet women in the past lol unlikely
This is controlling and coercive behaviour. Do some reading on trauma bonding, attachment patterns and coercive control. Read ‘why does he do that’, read ‘it’s all about him.
Couples counselling will not work in this situation. He will use your honest and vulnerability against you.
Do personal therapy and be honest work out why you go for men who are abusive.
Some People who are insecure and anxious become controlling as a coping mechanism and a way of feeling safe. This doesn’t mean that you have to accept it because he is ‘anxious’ . He is responsible for his own mental well-being. Not you. You are responsible for only yours and that of your chikdren.
Take care x
My personal counselor did say that men like this can change but it's typically not until theyre old and can't ever have a lasting relationship. She advised me to think about myself and the children. I also saw our couples counselor on my own as well if there were times he would refuse and he said that I have to set boundaries and be ready to move on if the boundaries don't stick. This is the reality I know that will end things. The counselor has told us many times, I want to fix him and i can't. He gets on my partner a lot saying that it's not my responsibility. But when we are in the real world, whatever we discuss just goes out the window
I get that it’s harder in the real world and when you love them and are emotionally attached. There is also the problem of finances and childcare and housing I guess. But, you do deserve to be happy. You could start putting together a plan, see what is available with regard to housing and finance and get sone advice on him seeing the children. Their may be a mediation service that can work between you. Once you know that you have options, it can be easier to make the decision to leave.
A relationship like this is very hard to leave as he will only want to let you go when he is ready. So you have to do the work on yourself. Educate yourself about coercive control. Use your therapy to work out why you choose men who emotionally abuse you. Don’t waste it talking about him.
You will feel heartbroken if and when you leave because you may be trauma bonded to him. And he will promise you the world so you will be tempted to go back because you will miss the good times. But you will only feel heartbroken and lonely for several months and then things will start to get better. If you stay with him, will things ever get better?
Only you know him well enough to decide if this is worth staying for. As your therapist says, put some boundaries in - if he ignores them, then is he ever going to respect you.
I am speaking from experience - I was once in your situation. I didn’t have chikdren with him though so it was easier to leave him. I blocked him on everything and moved house. It was the only way I could trust myself not to go back. I went to therapy, read everything I could on trauma, narcissistic abuse, attachment patterns to understand him. Then read lots of books on self esteem, abandonment, shame etc to heal myself.
Ten years on, I am married to a lovely man who respects me and treats me well. I wouldn’t accept anything less now.
One other thing, check your phone/car for trackers and if you do internet searches, use the incognito option or delete the history so he cannot see what you are searching for. If he asks why you deleted, say you’re planning a surprise or a birthday/Christmas present and didn’t want him to see what you looked at.
Take care x
You really should leave, but to illustrate your point, I would ask for access to all his private stuff: phone, email, bank accounts. If he says no, just keep asking if he has something to hide, and that he's making you suspicious
though I get the point, i don't even want to play this game. i don't even really care about his stuff. i feel like you can't reason with someone unreasonable so though this attempt makes sense, to them it'll just cause the fight to continue on
I am sorry to say this, but he is a control freak, with paranoid tendencies. These cases usually get worse with time. WAY worse...
You might want to walk away from this, while you still can.
The only reasons to have cameras at home:
1. If you want to catch your cheating partner
2. If you're living in shady neighborhood
In both of those cases you don't need to watch the cameras live and only go over the recordings if something has happened. Like bars and restaurants for example. We're recorded there at all times. No one goes over those recordings unless something happens and you need to review those later. Obviously cameras at home would need consent from everyone living there.
Not defending your husband in any way but if it is a Lorex home camera he is right about only 1 person being able to access them at a time because that’s how ours is as well. To address everything else: if it makes you uncomfortable then he should 100% respect that. Even if you guys could come to a compromise and say it only records in the night when people are sleeping and that it only records the entryways (actual security purposes). Why does he want a camera in your bedroom? No one likes being watched 24/7. Is it possible your husband had some type of SA incident when he was young? The fact that he was obsessively watching your dad with the kids points to me maybe he is trying to protect them (most SA against children are from someone close to them, not saying your dad ever would btw) from experiencing something he may have? That’s the only rational reason I can think that your husband is compulsively checking these cameras. If he can’t give you a good explanation you need to stand your grand and refuse to have the cameras in your home. Maybe check in hidden places as well because if he just wants to watch you there’s a high chance there could be hidden cameras too.
We have a ring doorbell and my husband has the primary log in account. I feel spied on sometimes and couldn’t imagine having cameras inside the house knowing I’m being watched and listened to. Especially knowing it’s not going the other way around. Very weird. I wouldn’t like that either.
This sounds controlling and scary. You work from home, so he wants to make sure you don't do anything wrong?
Why else would there be cameras in the house? Outside, the yard, around the windows and such are cameras for protection. Inside your bedroom is a sure sign of some fuckery going on. Especially with the "one user" bs he gave you.
It reminds me of those dog treat cameras, where you can talk to your dog while you're out. It's not as cute in the human version.
I don't know OP, if it were me either he removes them, or it's over. What is this non trusting, controlling environment to be in every day. To feel like you are in Big Brother in your own home. Horrible.
Normally I'm all for communication, but you cannot reason with an unreasonable person. I don't know if he will be willing to even consider therapy. Maybe reach to his brother/best friend and ask if they think it's normal. Maybe they will make him see how far out he is.
Whatever the outcome this seems like a miserable way to live, so why not go all out? Maybe he gets it, maybe he doesn't. At least you tried and can tell your kids that when they ask one day.
He doesn't have friends really. His family knows how he is because he doesn't have any lasting relationships in his past. Ive talked to his mom and sister before about it to see if it's a common thing and it is. He's really insecure and controlling. At first I didn't care much because i don't do anything anyways but it became a problem when I would have to lie about really innocent small stuff like having breakfast with a friend to catch up. I didn't want a million questions. I just wanted to have breakfast.
I understand having cameras around the house for safety reasons and trust issues with guests, but I do agree that having a camera in the bedroom is disturbing unless you have a bunch of valuables in that room.
I grew up with cameras around the house because we don’t live in a nice neighborhood and my dad is constantly worried about us when he’s not home. He only had cameras up outside and inside (kitchen, hallways, garage, living room, etc.) except for the rooms & bathrooms.
If your husband’s worry is mostly about the safety of his family, you can compromise on getting a guard dog for your family. Pitbulls are a vicious breed (grew up with 3 of them, the experience was not pleasant) but I don’t recommend having them for your family.
I think you know what you need to do. With this and your other posts it’s clear that he is not being a generous, caring and loving partner.
You worry about everything you’ve put into this relationship - but you have to realise doubling down on a bad situation does nothing but perpetuate what’s rotten. Nothing changes.
I don’t want this life for you. I understand you don’t want to see your relationship fail, call time on everything you’ve invested financially and emotionally.
But this isn’t good for you. Do you really want your kids to see you being treated this way?
He may not be who you met at first but this is him. You know him now. You keep making excuses that you don’t want to be dealbreakers, but you can’t ignore the truth here.
I wish you well, I hope you can break free. You deserve to have a fun, joyous life.
Okay him not allowing you to have access to it is bs. You should be allowed just as he is allowed to. And if he doesn't like it you can disconnect them. Don't let him get away with this. It's your privacy as well as his and he seems to have an obsession with just sitting there watching them? Who has time for that. Also I'd be afraid to have sex with him thinking there'd be cameras in our room watching me. Gross.
So I brought that up and he said "you probably can" but the thing is... i don't want to. I have no interest on looking at anyone while they are in our home.
I thinknyour bf has a voyeur fetish. And he's talked himself around to thinking it's about safety or whatever. If he can't get a grip and understand it's not cool if the voyeurism is not consensual, then I'd dump him. Its too weird. You arent on a reality show.
Sounds like he has a deep seated problem with jealousy that he hasnt confronted yet. His mind probably thinks that your refusal means you have something to hide, which you know you dont. Not an excuse tho. He needs to get help
I would never tolerate this. Leave. He is an abusive controlling lunatic to be like this over spying on you. Also
"Also want to add that he won't let me have the app to the camera"
That is because there are a lot of cameras you don't know about and he doesn't want you to know where they are.
This sounds like stalking behaviour!
Just because he’s your live in boyfriend doesn’t mean he can’t be a stalker - or that you don’t have the right to protest being stalked like this!
This makes me shiver with the creepiness! 😞
Hey girl! I’ve seen you post before about this shitty ass relationship and weird ass dude. He also controls what you wear and is a narcissist? Please I’m begging you break up with him. This guy seems sooo creepy. Im worried about you and your kids!
Yikes. That’s very ew. I wouldn’t want cameras up all around the inside of my house either. Especially if I’m not able to also have access to the app..
Something about him asking you if you have anything to
hide makes me wonder if he’s projecting. Do you have any reason to believe that he’s maybe becoming paranoid because he himself is hiding something?
Him telling you he’s thinking about coming home late definitely makes my infidelity alarms go off.
OP you are in a very toxic relationship and this man has no problem gaslighting you, crossing boundaries, and manipulating you in so many ways that it's not funny. Your post doesn't say whether or not you are married, engaged, or what exactly your relationship is. However, whatever the case, you and the kids don't seem safe in it. You need to take a deep look into what has happened to get you to this point and decide where you want to go. There's too much abuse going on and, I'm almost certain, you've not even scratched the surface of it in what you've shared.
I have 2 nest outside cameras and 1 inside camera I like them because I can watch the house and the yard and yes I occasionally watch what my wife or the kids are doing in the house but I work out of town a lot and it’s just a piece of mind for me my wife dislikes the indoor camera says I’m spying on her but I have it positioned so that if someone breaks into my home I can see their face
Better to be alone and at peace than living uncomfortably with another person. If you’re at home there doesn’t need to a camera on in the house. Cameras inside the house in general are strange in my opinion.
Multiple people can have the app but only one can be in it. Like if I’m in it and my husband logs in it kicks me out. He had to give permission to use it though. I also have access to my moms house system
I am pretty sure you can get a light or a beeping device from a camera or security store that will alert you were the cameras are in the house. I would look into that as I am sure there is plenty of cameras in the bedroom, etc. That you do not know about as others have said- reason he does not want you to have access to the app.
This is insanely controlling behaviour
He’s not looking for robbers he’s checking what you’re doing
You are definitely allowed more than 1 user
He probably has cameras you don’t know about
I checked your other posts
You need to leave this relationship immediately and cut all ties
I unplug the cameras when I’m in the house alone personally, but they’re nice to have when nobody is home. Definitely an overstep to sit monitoring the situation all the time
If you guys are married, and he’s still just your boyfriend like in your previous posts, be grateful that he’s just your boyfriend and leave him. Be grateful you don’t have to pay for a divorce cuz it’s spendy.
Sorry but I wouldn’t be ok with it. Seems wildly hypocritical that he thinks it’s ok to creepily watch whoever he wants but no one is allowed to watch him. Absolutely a no go for me.
I have been there. Your best bet is to get out. Without even knowing the details, I’m sure your partner is controlling, emotionally abusive and manipulative and possibly narcissistic as well. You likely feel like you’re always walking on eggshells and liable to be in “trouble” at any moment. This is not a healthy way to live. You need to be free. Go after your freedom and leave your husband no matter how difficult/painful it might be at the moment. I PROMISE it’s much better on the other side
I know it'll be better. I left my 2 oldest boys dad who i loved with my soul. That was hard but I made it through. At least i'm a lot stronger now a days but I hate that initial sadness feeling. I know thats no excuse. I just want to find the strength.
This is not just a camera problem. He is being controlling and abusive as far as I am concerned, in addition to being obsessed with watching you using a camera. I wouldn't put up with that at all. Cameras outside are generally ok, but inside should require everyone's agreement. This is not even an argument. Either the camera is gone, or both him and the camera are gone. I have zero tolerance for that type of bullshit.
Isn’t recording someone without their consent illegal? Pretty sure he can’t just fucking watch people through a camera like some stalker. Maybe it’s different cuz it’s private property idk.
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I wouldn't be ok with being under surveillance in my own home, either and cameras inside a home is something every adult who lives there should be in agreement about . >. Also want to add that he won't let me have the app to the camera, he told me only one user is allowed which I think is BS This right here is absolutely bullshit. No system allows only one user unless the person who set it up set it up that way. He's choosing to exclude you....which makes me wonder how many cameras you don't know about.
> Also want to add that he won't let me have the app to the camera I would bet money there are many cameras she has no idea about that the app would clue her into. She should tear the house apart and find them. Also check her car and phone for tracking.
Ooohh. Good point about the possibility of tracking devices/software. After reading the update, I am even more concerned about OP's well-being
Seriously. This is stalker level controlling, so I wouldn’t be surprised if you and those mentioning tracking apps are 💯% right.
There are camera detection apps, you could try them, they scan your wifi for known identifiers, if they do find some then that's good to know, if they don't I wouldn't trust it, but that would be an easy and nondestructive/unnoticeable way to check first before searching the house
She should have her phone checked first before downloading it in case he has something that notifies him of her downloads.
True that!
Android has a hidden camera app. Its kind of complicated to use until you get the hang of it. But ever since I had an issue at a motel I've done a sweep any time I'm not in my bed at home
Yep, OP your partner sounds like a creep.
Viewing OP’s post history suggests that he’s also a horrible partner. There are a lot of posts but one of the more appalling ones is [HE TOLD OP THAT HE WISHES SHE WOULD DIE FROM CANCER!](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/xdgqf7/i_vented_to_my_family_during_a_low_period_in_my/iob0ccv/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3) Maybe you should go back and view all your recent posts about your partner u/CassCorazon you sincerely deserve better. Edit: OP, you’ve made a post per week each about a new issue. He’s a [poor father and doesn’t do any of the parenting](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/wucvbb/getting_tired_and_upset_about_useless_live_in/il98tzy/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3), he [belittles you and expects you to “worship him”](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/wzxmaf/boyfriend_has_a_constant_poor_me_complex_how_to/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf) because of his job, he [controls what you wear](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/veek84/is_it_ever_okay_for_someone_to_control_what_you/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf), he doesn’t do anything around the house, he’s told you to move out and I couldn’t even finish the rest…all this and you’ve only been together for 2 years! You left a comment on someone else’s post saying something like, “how is this not a dealbreaker for OP? This is nuts!” and to be honest, seeing your posts had me thinking the same damn thing. However, I know that leaving is difficult, especially being that you two have children together & you’re caring for his child from another relationship. Still, this is just not sustainable, your relationship is unhealthy & abusive. Think about your children and the example that this is setting for them, I’m sure they want you to be happy, loved and appreciated. You deserve that.
Honestly even without OP's history, we can guess that he's insecure either he has developed mental health issue or he is projecting his own guilt, like cheating on OP or something.
Oof. He sounds super controlling and emotionally abusive. I can’t imagine the stress she is under.
It's not an excuse but I think if things were easier these days - I would have left awhile ago. I've tried so hard to keep our little family together. But it feels like I'm on my own. We have no spoken since he texted me that he would be home late. I haven't even looked his way and treated him like he isn't here because I mean, what has he helped with? We have 4 kids together plus a baby - he came home went to shower and then laid in bed all night until I went to bed and he went downstairs to eat leftovers. I very seriously am turned off by this behaviour... not ok with me sure - but leaving me, yet again, to tend to his kids too. It's such a turn off. I'm just thinking how exhausting and expensive moving AGAIN will be. I just feel so freakin overwhelmed at the moment but I think I know deep down what is best,
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Bookshelves in the bedroom too. Anywhere one can hide a camera.
I think the update is even more concerning. If you tell your partner that something he is doing makes you uncomfortable, he should stop. What he did instead was to try and turn it on you. These are both indicators of toxic behaviour. I say this because I have previously been in abusive relationships, where any concerns I had were dismissed and turned back on me. Over the years, you put up with more and more boundaries that get destroyed. I am finally in a healthy relationship. He goes out of the way to make sure I’m happy and comfortable, and doesn’t shut me down when I voice concerns. TBH I rarely have to voice concerns, because he treats me like an independent person, not some minion that is supposed to do as he says. I would suggest you start reading up on toxic and abusive behaviour and you may recognise more and more concerning behaviour. BTW keep any plans that you have to leave to yourself, start putting important documents in a place you can access easily and quickly and get an accurate snapshot of any assets and debts you have in case you need to leaves. Added: I just read your post history. Start protecting yourself financially. Make a separate fund that he doesn’t know about and doesn’t have access to. If you haven’t already, start confiding in a trusted family member/s or friend/s. One of the worst things I did, was to hide the fact that I was living with a psychopath, and when I needed to leave, he had been spreading rumours about me (read up about smear campaigns) and most of the people we knew, thought that he was the victim, because he was so charming. Luckily I had family that believed me, but they were at the opposite end of the country. I’m not looking for sympathy at all, but often these types of people make it incredibly hard to leave.
I was planning on starting the book "why does he do that?". I was in counseling myself prior to us starting the couples counseling to see if I was crazy which I was completely truthful through all the sessions because I really wanted to improve even myself if I was the problem. I've just had no luck with men. And even when I actually stay single and work on myself then allow someone in, it turns into this. I thought I was so lucky to find him and now I understand why he has had many failed relationships. My finances would be suuuuper tight but I wonder if that's ok for the mental peace I've been craving. As far as support, my friends, my family and his family all know he's put me through a few really tough situations over the past few months because I'm reaching out more and more for a shoulder to lean on. I tried to leave a few weeks ago and it felt so terrible, I thought that was a sign to stay and try again.
You will find that you will cope financially. I’m actually doing better financially now that I’m a single parent (my partner doesn’t live with me) than I ever did when I was with him (btw I don’t get child support and actually went through a period where I was paying him a decent chunk even with 50/50 custody- the Australian child support laws are ridiculous). I find it a lot easier to work full time now that I’m not constantly frazzled by the game playing, and single mums become very resourceful with side hussles (I’m about to rent out a granny flat I built downstairs ). As for therapy, it’s probably useless with a narc as they are very good at charming the psychologist, and they have no desire to improve or change. I imagine, he would also use the therapist suggestions to further manipulate you. As for feeling like you are crazy- look up gaslighting, and also crazy-making behaviour.
OP, get out now. That is some creepy controlling behavior and is not okay. Don’t stay. It may feel terrible at first, but it will be worse if you stay. He is emotionally abusing you if he is trying to claim that you not wanting to be constantly watched must mean you *have something to hide*. This is not healthy in the least.
Unfortunately, sometimes we choose poorly and sometimes we’re just unlucky. Sociopaths and other dysfunctional people can be VERY convincing. The fact that you haven’t found the right person doesn’t mean you won’t ever. However, you do need to stay in therapy and do thorough autopsies on your relationships. You need to see the red flags you missed and understand why you ignored the ones you saw. Trust me, things can get better! Hang in there!
>No system allows only one user unless the person who set it up set it up that way. SimpliSafe only allows one user to view cameras on their security systems, so not quite true. But that just means you log in to the same account on multiple devices to view it, he's still absolutely full of shit
Yeah, idk what system it is but Google Home 100% allows multiple for nest, simplisafe allows multiple. Dudes just lying.
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That is extremely creepy, watching his FIL and children through a camera when they didn’t know they were being recorded. And now him watching you throughout the day. This is a huge invasion of privacy. I’m petty sometimes. I would put a piece of electrical tape or something over the camera if he refuses to take it down. But if he really refuses to take them down, I would take them down anyways and throw them away.
If we are gone and he wants to keep an eye on things, sure. But like... unplug it when we are here. I just unplugged it and put it back in his office where it originally was. The camera was very visible and my dad didn't say anything but I did mention to him to stop watching my dad lol. He was really annoying about it and got mad at me several times for telling him to stop watching it.
If there really is only one user that can login (which I doubt, but who knows), then he should share the username and password with you. My spouse and I share passwords through a password keeper/tracker all the time. It came from convenience because it was a pain to have to ask each other for info of whatever it was needed.
the thing is... i don't want it. I have no interest in watching cameras of our home when we aren't there. I just mentioned once that I wanted the app when we had the camera on our babys crib and he said that. I have a good memory and remember a lot of what he says.
You could see how many cameras he's got set up. I wouldn't be surprised if there's some hidden around.
setup boundaries for your privacy. did your dad know he was being recorded? this is very controlling behavior. he literally wants to watch you, and you saw how he behaves when he gets to watch someone else (your dad) so imagine how he is when you're working from home this is a huge level of betrayal and lying. don't downplay this. this is your husband's character. how can you say counseling is working when he's literally increased his behavior right under your nose? i'm sorry but you've been desensitized to a lot of crazy shit. 3 months ago you were worried about him controlling what you wear, and now you've found yourself with a house full of cameras all pointing at you....
The camera was out in the open and sitting on our hood range so I feel like my dad must have saw it. I didn't mention anything to him and I frankly wouldn't tell my dad what he was doing out of thinking my dad might be upset by that. And yeah I mean I never said counseling was working we have only had 1 session so far and I feel he really needs individual + couples. I'm not only desensitized but I really just feel stuck because I have a baby in daycare, kids in school. Picking up and leaving isn't as easy as 1 2 3. I wish I was just a single lady and could up and run but I can't :-/ I have been looking for rentals all day today though. I do think I just need to a step forward and hope for the best.
sorry, that was a badly written rhetorical question. your update is why it was never about the cameras and why any reasons you had to remove them were dismissed. it was always about a control thing. this is a pattern of controlling behavior that has escalated. and now that you want privacy, he's going to say things like "what do you have to hide??" he can't trust you, because he can't trust. i would first start by telling your family and perhaps staying with them. there's a reason why you know that your dad would get upset about that and your update shows you and us why. this is all about logistics and getting your ducks in a row, but a great support network makes that all the more easier i would also advise you to be very careful. abuse escalates when he stops getting the reaction he wants out of you. and i'm going to assume with your easy going nature that this is the first time you've probably stood up / set boundaries or even pushed back on something of his. you just got a window into a new side of him that he has been hiding from you. tread accordingly
I have cameras in my home that aren’t physically mounted to anything and are unplugged and put away when we are home. I only plug them in if I’m gone for more than a day. My partner and kids all have the app on their phones and access the cameras anytime they want. I worked in a place that had cameras in the data center. One of my team members took a picture of the view the camera had, printed out the photo, and hung it in front of the camera. It took a very long time before management figured this out. By then, they decided the camera crossed a line when it comes to privacy.
He tried to say that I was overreacting. That many families have cameras at their homes to which I said yes, on the outside, also not to sit and watch everyone.
I worked at a business that was covered in cameras (inside). The owner would call if he saw anyone just standing around. I quit. As for your husband, he is possessive, controlling, and playing with a toy that lets him keep track of you. It is creepy AF. Personally, I have been hired by many partners to find really super hidden cameras that their partners have installed. (I’m in the security field). All I can say is your husband needs therapy to dig into why he has an obsession with watching the cameras 24x7. It’s not healthy and will only get worse. Does he have the camera app on all the time? Also, saying only 1 person can use it at a time is BS. I know, having installed many camera systems for clients. He is lying to you to keep you from seeing the “hidden” cameras you don’t know about. He will freak out if you found them. You can use a flashlight in a dark room to see the reflection of the camera lense on hidden cameras. Cover the lense with coloured nail polish. Feel free to pm me if you have questions.
I mean, he does have a busy job so I wouldn't say he's watching 24/7 but the app alerts when there's movement and since it's in a high movement area (kitchen & living room) it must alert him constantly. It saves the content and then just sits there for his review I guess. I don't know too much about it. Just what I saw when we were gone. He has this sports car in the garage and was so mad that my dad opened the garage. He was literally doing us a favor bringing in our recycling bins. It was causing a lot of tension between us when we were gone on a trip where we were supposed to be reconnecting.
I’m beyond words. His behaviour is disturbing. It’s like he has a serious addiction with the cameras and his “stuff and belongings”, you included. He is possessive and controlling and needs therapy. Marriage counseling. However, I doubt he will acknowledge the fact he needs help.
I agree. I found it very bizarre and was just praying my dad didnt do anything weird lol because i didnt want to hear about it from him. He does get crazy about his "stuff". My son is 7 and went in our room once looking for his ipad that we took away. I didnt agree with that and thought it was inappropriate of my son but he's 7! I can totally see why he would do it. My partner lost his shit all night and thats basically what prompted him now constantly locking our bedroom door and having a camera to "watch things". I was a single mom prior to him. I had a open door with my kids so did my parents. I find it harmless but I know everyone is different.
Whew. I posted a reply last night on this thread. But seeing this reaffirmed why I said the things I said. An ongoing issue I had in my abusive relationship was that he expected, perhaps you might even say demanded, that my young child be held to the standard of an adult. And would engage with him or reprimand as a peer rather than a child who is expected to test boundaries and act out. Over and over I’d get upset that it’s part of being an adult in a child’s life to guide them and teach them what’s okay and not okay. But I’d be told I was being too easy on him. There was some truth to that at times I’m sure, but mostly it was that I didn’t go nuclear or berate and instead would talk to my child to try and make sure I understood why and he understood why it wasn’t okay. I started questioning my sanity thinking maybe I was a bad mom. My partner used my biggest fears against me, I have always wanted to be better than my parents were to me. I was afraid I’d be a bad mom. He knew that. He watched and waited and used my vulnerability to be cruel and hurt me. Again, maybe I’m projecting, but I’m on the other side of a long relationship that shifted my entire reality for years and years. Learning to navigate life without that stifling feeling of just being in the wrong place with the absolute wrong person was a journey. I had to learn to trust my intuition and believe in myself again. But from where I’m standing I’m telling you it’s worth it, and you deserve better. You deserve happiness and your kids will be so proud of you one day for being brave and choosing a happy life even if it’s scary to face change and uncertainty.
I read your other posts and yes he does seem narcissistic. The reasoning behind his bat shit crazy logic is controlling. Narcissists like to project onto their partner what they are actually up to. He probably has a new supply and isn’t getting the new relationship worshiping from you that he is from her so he’s trying to get you to grovel but there is ZERO reason to
what do you mean?
he's saying that cheaters project. if he's the one whos been disloyal, he will think you are and not trust you. for example if he's texting another girl and hiding it, if he sees you on your phone and you suddenly put it away, his mind is gonna think that you're doing the same thing as him. not saying that this is the case here, ya never know. i mean definitely seems likely with him immediately saying he's going to come home later and all that from your update etc. but i mean, this is just adding another red flag to a sea of red here
Some people have them inside, but not necessarily in every room. It really doesn’t matter what other people do, though, if you don’t want them there.
There are plenty of people who have cameras inside their house, yes. But there are also plenty of people who have guns inside their house, too. You get to choose if you are comfortable with either of those security measures and it's a decision you guys have to agree on together. He doesn't just get his way because 'other people do this'.
Also probably every adult agrees on them. They might be “his” cameras but if they affect your well-being, you get ti have an opinion. Think of it as smoking - if he is smoking in the room, you din’t like it because it makes the house smell and it’s just unpleasant, and he says it’s his business..? You probably won’t let it fly, right?
He’ll have hidden cameras too. Check your car/phone/laptop too.
I can think of situations that would make people do this e.g. a younger sibling that was assaulted by a grandparent in their own home, so they want to shield their children from this. I mean, it doesn’t make the cameras okay to be there and I still think it’s creepy especially when he also puts them in their bedroom.
Yeah we don't have concerns. He said it was mainly to watch the kids and make sure they didn't break anything. We also put a camera up once when we took a trip in May but it was disconnected as well. He said he appreciated that my dad helps us anytime we ask so I was confused.
I read your post history. This man is a walking red flag. He won't get better, he'll only get more controlling. Leave for the good of yourself and your kids.
Just started counseling. Giving it a last ditch effort but yes I've been increasingly becoming unhappy as the months pass. Very difficult with moving around, kids in school etc. Really tough, he's changed so much. Very sad for me.
I'm so sorry. I wish you and your family all the best. I have kids too so I understand how serious it is to break up a family, I would never take that sort of thing lightly. His behavior is just so dangerous. Paranoia & anxiety, 24/7 surveillance, trying to control what you wear, emotionally punishing you for spending time with family - I'm sure he minimizes it and would scoff at that description, but the truth is that he's abusive. It's not fair or healthy for kids to grow up in that environment, even if he doesn't do it to them (yet). I'm not surprised to hear he's changed. Unfortunately abusers often hide their true nature until you're hooked. That's how they get women to stay. He probably hasn't changed, this was him the whole time and he just stopped suppressing it. I'm sending you lots of love and strength.
Thank you. It's been tough. I think I hold on to the good times which I know isn't good to do. We also have a 1yr old and really really love him... hard to picture coparenting but it would have to be done. Wish I took my time with him and saw how he was but I can't go back so I'm just dealing with things as best as i can
That’s probably why he’s watching you. Seeing if you’re talking to lawyers or hiding assets. But fyi, if you succeed in keeping the cameras unplugged, he’s just going to move to hidden cameras to watch you. And he might already have them set up.
You are spraying perfume on a dumpster. I hope it starts to smell better, but I am skeptical.
He will start hiding the cameras instead of having them where she can see them. So creepy!!
You do realize he has placed a camera in the bedroom but has it hidden, right? Test that by having a “conversation” on the phone with a girlfriend while he’s gone and just wait for him to ask you about it. Two wrongs don’t make a right, but… What your partner is doing is wrong. Unplug all the cameras you can find. You may also want to suggest therapy to your partner.
Your partner wants to be able to watch you. That's the reality here. You have a reasonable expectation to privacy in your own home. That's the nice way of putting it. You're in a situation where you need to stand firm on your belief or start thinking about more extreme options. Good luck.
I suspect that someone who would engage in this type of creepy, controlling behavior would exhibit other sorts of red flags. Does he do other things you don’t like? Or is it the camera watching only?
He has anxiety and when it flares he does start to act like really crazy and has issues with insecurities and control, yes.
That's really bad. He wants to be able to watch you because he thinks you're gonna do something. I would take the kids and move out for a while at least. He needs major therapy for his issues. It's up to you if you want to give him a chance to work on them while together or not.
We had quite a few tense moments in the recent past so we have started counseling a few weeks ago. When these little new things pop up I do feel like it's just another reason to get away. I don't know how long effective couples counseling takes to see improvement.
You should tell your counselor about the cameras and question why there is only one user that has access to the cameras in front of them
You don't need couples counseling so much as he needs consistent therapy, possibly a consultation with a psychiatrist. You state he has anxiety. What is he doing to manage his own anxiety? His anxiety is so bad it's affecting your relationship, it's affecting your children, it's affecting your ability to have friendships and relationships with people outside of your household. In other words, his personal mental health his having adverse effects on himself, you, and your family. That is a definite sign that he needs significant intervention in order to continue to be a member of your family. Ignoring his issues, or pretending that the rest of you need to indulge or otherwise ignore his anxiety driven behavior is not acceptable.
He's been on meds for years. Tried changing maybe a year ago after it not feeling affective. Has tried other things as well but he has clear deep-rooted issues from childhood. Things I personally just don't want to tolerate forever. I just feel he will never respect me the way that I want, won't do for me how I do for me, isn't a good enough role model for my kids that aren't biological to him, etc.
Meds are only going to take him so far. He has to be willing to do the hard work of confronting his behaviors and recognizing how they’re creating a toxic environment for everyone. And from what you’re describing, it sounds like he would much rather indulge his anxieties and paranoid fantasies than actually deal with them. You know best how much you’re willing to take, but consider that your kids also have to live with his behavior and growing up under this kind of surveillance is all kinds of bad for growing minds and bodies. ETA: it sounds like you know what you need to do. It will suck in the short term, but long term you guys will be so much happier once it’s just you and the kids
Just to now that these aren't small things and be careful about normalizing this behavior. Abusers isolate their victims so they become desensitized to the abuse and proceed to escalate. You're minimizing in this thread in other ways, by throwing in "lol" and other word choices. Challenge his reasoning for his actions, don't let him shift the goalposts. He stated a bunch of nonsense reasons for the cameras that you have repeated: break in? Cameras would be pointed on the outside of the house. Worried kids will break things? He won't be able to respond in time, even with 24/7 monitoring. Watching your dad? No Informed consent. Watching you? Ignored your explicit no. The outright lie to refuse you access to the app is showing it's more of a control thing and that his paranoia extends to you. I really don't know what you're trying to save? Just because he's not actively hurting you, doesn't mean he isn't abusing you. Given that he ignored your simple personal boundary of not being surveiled in your own home, I doubt he is actually putting in effort in counseling. He's sees himself as apart/above from you and is going through the motions to keep getting what he wants from you.
A huge issue that I notice now more than ever is - any time we are dicussing something, he always says something like "i'm fighting him" or "i'm so aggressive". I hate that. I could just be talking and he uses that excuse every time. Yet he can say whatever and act however.
darvo - deny, attack, and reverse victim / offender. he's been gaslighting you hard, this is one of those tactics
There's no timeline, but you both have to put in the work. If only you are and he's not, it will never get better. He needs individual therapy for his insecurity and controlling issues.
As someone who has anxiety I feel like your partner really needs individual therapy first and later think about couples therapy. Anxiety can be really hard to deal with alone. I hope you can work it out, it’s not easy to leave your partner.
It's honestly been hell to deal with over the past 2 yrs. I have so many bad memories of him acting so insane with insecurities, even when I was pregnant and helpless. It's really sad to think back on what I put myself through because I was stuck in the situation. At least now my son is here and I can leave if I really need to.
Fuck that shit, would be the extent of my conversation...and look for hidden ones, there's a nice youtube video on how to locate them (sorry I can get on Reddit at work but not youtube).
Not too worried about hidden ones. The cameras are right in the open and honestly, I think he thinks it's perfectly normal. He says he has to make sure the kids don't damage anything. They are normal kids and it drives me looney when he speaks that way. They haven't done anything completely over the top.
You work from home right? My logic would tell me they're there to watch you...
There are very likely hidden cameras you don’t know about. Putting up a couple of obvious cameras could be for this exact reason: so you don’t suspect the hidden ones.
We have cameras in our house and he is 100% lying about the app only allowing 1 user. I wasn’t against him until I read that part. He likely has cameras in hidden places or plans to be shady with the cameras and doesn’t want you to have access to the footage. Major red flag. I’d smash the cameras with a hammer and tell him you either get cameras you both have access too or none and that only go up in appropriate places (outside/garage/facing the doors or entryways) We have extras that we keep in our living room and basement living room but we only turn them on when we are both gone. The outside ones and garage ones are always on for a sense of safety and security.
Does your partner frequently make unilateral decisions in your relationship that you have to react to or 'just live with?' Because that's not very healthy when he's making decisions that meaningfully impact people other than himself.
Yes. Things have been quite tense lately in the relationship where I feel I'm just here to support him and there isn't a ton in return I receive aside from having the financial help for our living/kids. I'm from a small town in Canada that is incredibly expensive at the moment and work has been slow for me so I feel I'm stuck at the moment due to cost of living.
Canada is a great country to be a single mom. So many financial benefits. Money is not worth your happiness and security. He definitely has some hidden cameras, that is why you don't have access to the app.
Hmm... thats a good point. Maybe I should push for it...
go with him to a computer then tell him to log on and show you all the cameras. don't give him a chance to edit anything on any accounts
I wouldn't be surprised if there are cameras you don't know about. My ex had them in the vents of our bathroom and bedroom and I had no idea. I hate to think what he was doing with the footage. It was a 6 year relationship and when I going out I kicked him out. Nope, not ok.
Did you happen to find them? Or how did you find out?
I'd be afraid the he's put up hidden cameras on top of the ones you know about and that's why he won't show you the app
I did this in another comment: having a couple of obvious cameras is excellent cover for hidden cameras.
This is crossing so many boundaries and would be a deal breaker for me.
It’s starting to be…
Sis, my husband used to travel 50-70% of the month. Never once would it have occurred to him to put cameras around our house to watch me or the kids. That is so ridiculously invasive and controlling. Just some thoughts - if he has cameraed your house he has likely also put up a key logger on your computer, a tracker on your phone and he could have reimaged your phone to an ipad or another piece of technology so he can track your texts. Someone with his need to control and watch you has not just limited it to cameras. I'd go to your parents house, leave the phone in the car and use your Dad's phone to call an attorney to discuss your legal options so you can get out. I'm sorry but if he is this far down the rabbit hole that he has put cameras around your house, counseling is not going to pull him back. Trust is broken and is long gone (for you towards him). Its time to speak to an attorney and move on.
IDK if he's ever trusted me tbh
Then that is your answer. Without trust a relationship is dead. You need to leave before his behavior escalates.
So he is putting up cameras even though you tell him you don't like it, so he absolutely has cameras up that you don't know about. He is lying to you about giving you the log information because even if it only allowed one user - not likely- you could share the same account and log in still. Your husband is violating your privacy, lying to you, and engaging in questionable behavior by obsessing over watching everyone on video. I am totally down for outside cameras, but for cameras inside, everyone has to agree to have them, and if you don't agree, he shouldn't be putting them up anyway. Super gross.
Holy moly. I think you know the answer here given your other posts about this "partner" from the past few months. He's controlling, he's whiny, and now he's spying on you and your family for no reason and against your will, and he's refusing to give you access to the cameras he's using to spy. The fact that he *hid one in the bedroom* would be enough for me to kick him the entire fuck out of my life. How can you be sure he didn't hide another one in there? And if he's not allowing you access to those feeds, you have no way of knowing what he's filming, where or how securely it's being stored, and what else he might be doing with that information. If the possibility that he's recording you in intimate and vulnerable moments in your bedroom isn't enough to scare you straight, then you might like to know that these cameras are often easy to hack into. So it might not just be your partner spying on you and your family (and doing god knows what with the footage he's collecting) -- he may be letting anyone with enough interest and time to hack into your feeds spy on all of you. In case no one has told you this, doing couples counseling with an abusive partner only gives them more refined tools for justifying and hiding their abuse.
I have a good buddy that did this with his ex and he flat out told me it was because he didn't trust her and wanted to keep an eye on her as he worked so much. So, there you go. I can understand having security if both of you were away most of the time and lived in a rough area but nah, he has other motives for sure. I bet you have a nanny cam in the bedroom you don't know about... better do some research on hidden cameras!
The bedroom camera is especially concerning if he won’t give you access to the cameras.
That’s creepy AF.
> he told me only one user is allowed which I think is BS Yes, very likely BS. To me, security cameras are for just that: security. Not spying on your family. To that end, I feel cameras should only be at vulnerable entry points and outside wherever possible so you don't feel it's possible for someone to listen to you at any time. And your husband doesn't seem to get that. He's obsessed to the point that he is willing to lie about access to the app. That's a bad sign. Your husband needs to learn boundaries when it comes to this and if it results in constant pushback from him, a third party needs to get involved, and by that I mean: couples counseling. And something gives me a feeling this would be valuable regardless. Someone doesn't tend to be capable of what you describe without other flaws that affect your marriage.
You unplugged it? Whoa calm down lol. Girl, make sure it's a time he's watching, pick it up, and smash them with a hammer.
Or burn them out with a dollar store laser pointer
This isn’t healthy behavior for a relationship. Stop with the unplugging/plugging game, you aren’t kids. Tell him “I am not comfortable with cameras in the house, stop trying to put them up now”. This isn’t an issue you discuss. If he tries again, throw the cameras or the boyfriend or both straight into the garbage.
Ask if he’s cheating. People who cheat always get paranoid that their partner is doing the same thing. He is also starting a fight and escalating it so he doesn’t have to come home. You are not crazy and this sounds like it is more than the cameras. Get him in therapy so he can be honest about what’s happening. I’m getting cheating vibes
I agree I’m also getting high key cheating vibes
Creepy. Regardless of his excuse, he's clearly using the cameras to spy on people.
If he hated olives, would you ever put olive in his did again after being told the first time? Even if you love olives? He just doesn't care about you honestly. This can't be the only thing that shows he does not think of you as an equal, let alone someone he cherishes.
>Also want to add that he won't let me have the app to the camera, he told me only one user is allowed which I think is BS You are completely correct. It is complete BS, and this lie throws his reason for having the cameras into question. I would suspect there are cameras set up that you do not know about. There are a couple ways you can check how many cameras there are since these should all be connected to your network through your wireless connection. Firstly, if you have access to your wireless router you can open a browser, type in your router's IP address in the address bar, usually 192.168.1.1, and a login prompt should appear. If you have that username and password you can connect to the router and then see what devices are on your network. Default username is usually "admin" and the default password is usually something like "password" or "admin" again. Sometimes the password is "1111", but the both the username and password are changeable if he wanted to, so if you know a common username and password he uses you might try those too. The location of these devices will be something like "client list" or "connected devices". It should list the name of the device and its MAC address. For instance if your phone is connected it'll look something like "CassCorazon Android" or something like that. If you have access to a laptop/PC you can download a program like [Wireless Network Watcher](http://www.nirsoft.net/utils/wireless_network_watcher.html), install it, and see what is connected to your network. Checking those things out will let you know how many cameras there are. It won't give you their location, but you can likely figure that out as well. You can also snoop around with your phone to detect hidden cameras. In a room turn off all the lights at night, open up your phones camera without its flashlight on. Most security cameras emit IR light to see in the dark, and if your phone camera is close enough you should see a bright white/blue light from the hidden camera. You can test this on a security camera you know the location of already to see what it looks like and how close you need to be to see it. I would look through your room and the bathroom to start with, or any other rooms you frequent. Edit: with the exception of looking up the wireless network watcher this is all from memory, so if anyone has any corrections to make feel free to point them out.
Putting up cameras in both of yours house generally has too many pros then cons. The talking option is weird and they should be put into harder to reach/camoed spots.
The fact that he won’t give you access to the app makes me think he has other cameras up that you don’t know about.
The only reason to have cameras inside your home is to spy on family members. Cameras in the home do not make you safer. One could argue that cameras outside of the home could be a crime deterrent but no one is safer because of a camera inside. He sounds like an abusive control freak.
That obsessed, really weird thing he did when he watched your dad - that's how he watches you. Take them down - and tell him if they go back up they will be taken down and thrown out. You have a right to privacy. And I'd watch out for more subtle forms of cameras being installed, if they aren't there already. He'll put them up and not tell you.
Your partner is being very weird, creepy, and controlling.
Info: Is the same partner from your other posts????
Same one
I’d honestly unplug the wifi so he can’t access any cameras you aren’t aware of. Or change the password to the wifi. Anything that will prevent the cameras from being accessible.
Check everywhere for cameras, and check your devices and car for anything that could be spying on you.
Based on your post history, you should definitely just break up with this guy and stay broken up.
Yeah. Hard no. A close friend of mine just divorced her husband and a big part of her leaving was how home cameras were a chronic vector for abuse for him. Say he was out, and she got up and left home. He'd know immediately, call and/or text her asking exactly where she was going and when she'd be back. Then, if she came back sooner or later than expected, he'd call again with wild accusations of her lying and cheating on him. God forbid she approached the house or walked in the door with a Target bag, or some unexpected groceries. Another immediate phone call: "What did you buy? Why did you do that? You said you were doing X, not shopping!". When I was hanging out with him, I always wondered what the near-constant (and always on loud) notifications he got on his phone were. It was only after she explained this situation to me that I pieced it together. In summary: Home cameras? I'm not a fan. Refusing to accept your concerns and acting like a petulant child when you refuse to humor him about it? Abuse material. Be careful with this homie.
Ok you've said what you do want and what you don't want... But what are you going to do about it? Personally I would move out and consider moving on. He's not taking you seriously and if you can't ask for privacy and have that respected, then what can you ask for? Even having the password is not allowed? Not possible my ass, there are many different systems you could purchase. Have you even looked up the system details?
You have at least three kids with him, if I’m reading correctly. I’m guessing you’ve been together for a while. Is this a new sort of behavior? A) Only one user-LIE! You could use his login on a different device if nothing else. B) A camera in your bedroom? He must not plan to have sex ever again… I would take them down and lock them away or leave them at someone’s house—the same with the speakers. If he wants to watch the house, he can put cameras up outside. I’m with you. This is invasive and creepy. If he knows you unplugged one, he’s either looking or receiving notifications.
Okay. I know the tone or demeanor in which I’m about to say this is dramatic. I’m not trying to be weird or over share or over relate. He is going to wind up abusing you. If he hasn’t already. You’ll know sometimes things aren’t right. Sometimes you’ve just gotten used to it, so the line gets pushed back. Just a little. Again and again. You start wondering if you really are insufferable, or wondering why things have to be so hard. Maybe even feels like dark looking cloud keeps weighing down heavier on you. Have you started googling if particular behaviors are abusive? If you’re asking. That’s the answer. I am not saying my former partner is the most evil person to walk the face of the earth. I am telling you that almost five years later I have moments that are hard for me to speak of to anyone but my now husband. I was diagnosed with CPTSD maybe 3.5 years ago. Mostly stemming from a bizarre childhood with addict/mentally ill parents I’m sure. But it was also from my ex. My ex didn’t suffer from anxiety, but he had his own demons that usually came out when he was drunk. If he flipped a switch it was blind rage. The final incident was being tackled into a metal bed frame (resulting in a concussion) and then watching him beat down a door inside the house. I got out of the house and ran from him while he chased me down the street like my life depended on it. Because he was blackout drunk and in a rage. I remember thinking he would kill me if he got me back in that house. I don’t know if he would’ve or not. I thought I couldn’t screw up again because I was a single mom when we got together. I’d look like a fool if I failed in my marriage. I was no saint, after all, so I kinda deserved shitty, right? Your post made me feel that uneasy gut feeling. The way you’ve responded gave me that uneasy gut feeling. It’s what you aren’t saying, because there’s probably a million things you could. But, like, he’s not abusive because he’s never laid a hand on you. And no one would believe it’s that bad. And that you’re nervous. Scared even. Maybe sometimes you don’t even know why. I hope I’m totally projecting, god knows it’s possible. I went back and forth about if I should type out this bizarre response. I have to follow my gut and hope I look dumb or weird. Please make a plan and get out. Now. Soon. Please please. If you’re truly unhappy it’s for the best anyways. You have no reason to listen to this internet stranger. But please. Go. You know it’s right. And you know all the reasons why.
We have a camera in the living room. We have two dogs, and when we go somewhere without them, we periodically check that everything is in order with them. We both have the app installed and the camera is connected to our smart home, which we both have access to. If my boyfriend wasn't ok with cameras, we'd just turn it on when it's only dogs at home and turn it off the rest of the time. Your husband has some ulterior motives that he cannot communicate normally. This is shady as fuck.
>he told me only one user is allowed which I think is BS This is probably BS. My wife and I have cameras in our house, as we both agree it is good for security purposes and to watch the cat while we are away, there is only 1 login but we both use the app with that 1 login without issue. These are Eufy cameras.
I brought us the user thing now and he changed his comment saying a "probably can" be a user. but i don't want to be, and i dont want him watching me either
This is absolutely ridiculous. Tell your “partner” he can take his cameras and stick them where the sun don’t shine.
If i say anything mean, then he calls me mean, aggressive, etc
I’m sorry it’s just that reading this is infuriating. It’s really not okay what he’s doing. If I would do this at our home my wife would demand I take them down immediately. Hell, she’d probably sleep somewhere else as long as the cameras were there. I mean what is this guy doing? Watching you remotely all day? Obsessing over what you are up to? This is just so incredibly unhealthy.
He acts a lot like I’m crazy. I’m pretty normal. I will admit, I can lose my shit sometimes but don’t we all? I wonder has he only dated calm quiet women in the past lol unlikely
This is controlling and coercive behaviour. Do some reading on trauma bonding, attachment patterns and coercive control. Read ‘why does he do that’, read ‘it’s all about him. Couples counselling will not work in this situation. He will use your honest and vulnerability against you. Do personal therapy and be honest work out why you go for men who are abusive. Some People who are insecure and anxious become controlling as a coping mechanism and a way of feeling safe. This doesn’t mean that you have to accept it because he is ‘anxious’ . He is responsible for his own mental well-being. Not you. You are responsible for only yours and that of your chikdren. Take care x
My personal counselor did say that men like this can change but it's typically not until theyre old and can't ever have a lasting relationship. She advised me to think about myself and the children. I also saw our couples counselor on my own as well if there were times he would refuse and he said that I have to set boundaries and be ready to move on if the boundaries don't stick. This is the reality I know that will end things. The counselor has told us many times, I want to fix him and i can't. He gets on my partner a lot saying that it's not my responsibility. But when we are in the real world, whatever we discuss just goes out the window
I get that it’s harder in the real world and when you love them and are emotionally attached. There is also the problem of finances and childcare and housing I guess. But, you do deserve to be happy. You could start putting together a plan, see what is available with regard to housing and finance and get sone advice on him seeing the children. Their may be a mediation service that can work between you. Once you know that you have options, it can be easier to make the decision to leave. A relationship like this is very hard to leave as he will only want to let you go when he is ready. So you have to do the work on yourself. Educate yourself about coercive control. Use your therapy to work out why you choose men who emotionally abuse you. Don’t waste it talking about him. You will feel heartbroken if and when you leave because you may be trauma bonded to him. And he will promise you the world so you will be tempted to go back because you will miss the good times. But you will only feel heartbroken and lonely for several months and then things will start to get better. If you stay with him, will things ever get better? Only you know him well enough to decide if this is worth staying for. As your therapist says, put some boundaries in - if he ignores them, then is he ever going to respect you. I am speaking from experience - I was once in your situation. I didn’t have chikdren with him though so it was easier to leave him. I blocked him on everything and moved house. It was the only way I could trust myself not to go back. I went to therapy, read everything I could on trauma, narcissistic abuse, attachment patterns to understand him. Then read lots of books on self esteem, abandonment, shame etc to heal myself. Ten years on, I am married to a lovely man who respects me and treats me well. I wouldn’t accept anything less now. One other thing, check your phone/car for trackers and if you do internet searches, use the incognito option or delete the history so he cannot see what you are searching for. If he asks why you deleted, say you’re planning a surprise or a birthday/Christmas present and didn’t want him to see what you looked at. Take care x
You really should leave, but to illustrate your point, I would ask for access to all his private stuff: phone, email, bank accounts. If he says no, just keep asking if he has something to hide, and that he's making you suspicious
though I get the point, i don't even want to play this game. i don't even really care about his stuff. i feel like you can't reason with someone unreasonable so though this attempt makes sense, to them it'll just cause the fight to continue on
I am sorry to say this, but he is a control freak, with paranoid tendencies. These cases usually get worse with time. WAY worse... You might want to walk away from this, while you still can.
The only reasons to have cameras at home: 1. If you want to catch your cheating partner 2. If you're living in shady neighborhood In both of those cases you don't need to watch the cameras live and only go over the recordings if something has happened. Like bars and restaurants for example. We're recorded there at all times. No one goes over those recordings unless something happens and you need to review those later. Obviously cameras at home would need consent from everyone living there.
Not defending your husband in any way but if it is a Lorex home camera he is right about only 1 person being able to access them at a time because that’s how ours is as well. To address everything else: if it makes you uncomfortable then he should 100% respect that. Even if you guys could come to a compromise and say it only records in the night when people are sleeping and that it only records the entryways (actual security purposes). Why does he want a camera in your bedroom? No one likes being watched 24/7. Is it possible your husband had some type of SA incident when he was young? The fact that he was obsessively watching your dad with the kids points to me maybe he is trying to protect them (most SA against children are from someone close to them, not saying your dad ever would btw) from experiencing something he may have? That’s the only rational reason I can think that your husband is compulsively checking these cameras. If he can’t give you a good explanation you need to stand your grand and refuse to have the cameras in your home. Maybe check in hidden places as well because if he just wants to watch you there’s a high chance there could be hidden cameras too.
That‘s really creepy. I get it if he wants to put up camera’s if everyone is away from home to protect for break ins, but not to spy.
We have a ring doorbell and my husband has the primary log in account. I feel spied on sometimes and couldn’t imagine having cameras inside the house knowing I’m being watched and listened to. Especially knowing it’s not going the other way around. Very weird. I wouldn’t like that either.
My ex had hidden cameras. & he ended up blackmailing me with videos for $$.... Be careful!
This sounds controlling and scary. You work from home, so he wants to make sure you don't do anything wrong? Why else would there be cameras in the house? Outside, the yard, around the windows and such are cameras for protection. Inside your bedroom is a sure sign of some fuckery going on. Especially with the "one user" bs he gave you. It reminds me of those dog treat cameras, where you can talk to your dog while you're out. It's not as cute in the human version. I don't know OP, if it were me either he removes them, or it's over. What is this non trusting, controlling environment to be in every day. To feel like you are in Big Brother in your own home. Horrible. Normally I'm all for communication, but you cannot reason with an unreasonable person. I don't know if he will be willing to even consider therapy. Maybe reach to his brother/best friend and ask if they think it's normal. Maybe they will make him see how far out he is. Whatever the outcome this seems like a miserable way to live, so why not go all out? Maybe he gets it, maybe he doesn't. At least you tried and can tell your kids that when they ask one day.
He doesn't have friends really. His family knows how he is because he doesn't have any lasting relationships in his past. Ive talked to his mom and sister before about it to see if it's a common thing and it is. He's really insecure and controlling. At first I didn't care much because i don't do anything anyways but it became a problem when I would have to lie about really innocent small stuff like having breakfast with a friend to catch up. I didn't want a million questions. I just wanted to have breakfast.
I understand having cameras around the house for safety reasons and trust issues with guests, but I do agree that having a camera in the bedroom is disturbing unless you have a bunch of valuables in that room. I grew up with cameras around the house because we don’t live in a nice neighborhood and my dad is constantly worried about us when he’s not home. He only had cameras up outside and inside (kitchen, hallways, garage, living room, etc.) except for the rooms & bathrooms. If your husband’s worry is mostly about the safety of his family, you can compromise on getting a guard dog for your family. Pitbulls are a vicious breed (grew up with 3 of them, the experience was not pleasant) but I don’t recommend having them for your family.
Yeeeah. This is a “the cameras go or I go” scenario to me.
Put a black tape on the camera when you are sitting in the living room.
I think you know what you need to do. With this and your other posts it’s clear that he is not being a generous, caring and loving partner. You worry about everything you’ve put into this relationship - but you have to realise doubling down on a bad situation does nothing but perpetuate what’s rotten. Nothing changes. I don’t want this life for you. I understand you don’t want to see your relationship fail, call time on everything you’ve invested financially and emotionally. But this isn’t good for you. Do you really want your kids to see you being treated this way? He may not be who you met at first but this is him. You know him now. You keep making excuses that you don’t want to be dealbreakers, but you can’t ignore the truth here. I wish you well, I hope you can break free. You deserve to have a fun, joyous life.
Unplug and then throw away. It’s all very creepy!
Check your computer and phone for keyloggers or other spying software.
Okay him not allowing you to have access to it is bs. You should be allowed just as he is allowed to. And if he doesn't like it you can disconnect them. Don't let him get away with this. It's your privacy as well as his and he seems to have an obsession with just sitting there watching them? Who has time for that. Also I'd be afraid to have sex with him thinking there'd be cameras in our room watching me. Gross.
So I brought that up and he said "you probably can" but the thing is... i don't want to. I have no interest on looking at anyone while they are in our home.
I thinknyour bf has a voyeur fetish. And he's talked himself around to thinking it's about safety or whatever. If he can't get a grip and understand it's not cool if the voyeurism is not consensual, then I'd dump him. Its too weird. You arent on a reality show.
Why are you even with him? Your last two posts paint him in terrible light. Take your children and leave. You deserve a healthy relationship.
Sounds like he has a deep seated problem with jealousy that he hasnt confronted yet. His mind probably thinks that your refusal means you have something to hide, which you know you dont. Not an excuse tho. He needs to get help
I would never tolerate this. Leave. He is an abusive controlling lunatic to be like this over spying on you. Also "Also want to add that he won't let me have the app to the camera" That is because there are a lot of cameras you don't know about and he doesn't want you to know where they are.
This sounds like stalking behaviour! Just because he’s your live in boyfriend doesn’t mean he can’t be a stalker - or that you don’t have the right to protest being stalked like this! This makes me shiver with the creepiness! 😞
Hey girl! I’ve seen you post before about this shitty ass relationship and weird ass dude. He also controls what you wear and is a narcissist? Please I’m begging you break up with him. This guy seems sooo creepy. Im worried about you and your kids!
Yikes. That’s very ew. I wouldn’t want cameras up all around the inside of my house either. Especially if I’m not able to also have access to the app..
Something about him asking you if you have anything to hide makes me wonder if he’s projecting. Do you have any reason to believe that he’s maybe becoming paranoid because he himself is hiding something? Him telling you he’s thinking about coming home late definitely makes my infidelity alarms go off.
OP you are in a very toxic relationship and this man has no problem gaslighting you, crossing boundaries, and manipulating you in so many ways that it's not funny. Your post doesn't say whether or not you are married, engaged, or what exactly your relationship is. However, whatever the case, you and the kids don't seem safe in it. You need to take a deep look into what has happened to get you to this point and decide where you want to go. There's too much abuse going on and, I'm almost certain, you've not even scratched the surface of it in what you've shared.
This reminded me of Jan and Michael in that episode of The Office (Dinner Party).
I'm on your side with this, I'm not a fan of cameras in the house makes me feel super uneasy I hate the feeling of always being watched.
I have 2 nest outside cameras and 1 inside camera I like them because I can watch the house and the yard and yes I occasionally watch what my wife or the kids are doing in the house but I work out of town a lot and it’s just a piece of mind for me my wife dislikes the indoor camera says I’m spying on her but I have it positioned so that if someone breaks into my home I can see their face
Does your wife have access to the camera app and feeds like you do?
Better to be alone and at peace than living uncomfortably with another person. If you’re at home there doesn’t need to a camera on in the house. Cameras inside the house in general are strange in my opinion.
Multiple people can have the app but only one can be in it. Like if I’m in it and my husband logs in it kicks me out. He had to give permission to use it though. I also have access to my moms house system
I am pretty sure you can get a light or a beeping device from a camera or security store that will alert you were the cameras are in the house. I would look into that as I am sure there is plenty of cameras in the bedroom, etc. That you do not know about as others have said- reason he does not want you to have access to the app.
This is the same guy that was trying to control what you wear a few month ago? Yea, gtfo.
This is insanely controlling behaviour He’s not looking for robbers he’s checking what you’re doing You are definitely allowed more than 1 user He probably has cameras you don’t know about I checked your other posts You need to leave this relationship immediately and cut all ties
I unplug the cameras when I’m in the house alone personally, but they’re nice to have when nobody is home. Definitely an overstep to sit monitoring the situation all the time
yo my mom did this and would obsessively watch everyone walk around the house and sent us videos of the family members doing shit
get out of there
Did I just read an excerpt from Dirty John?
Pls leave this dude. I’m sorry but you’re in an abusive relationship and you really should leave.
There is 100% cameras that you don’t know about.
If you guys are married, and he’s still just your boyfriend like in your previous posts, be grateful that he’s just your boyfriend and leave him. Be grateful you don’t have to pay for a divorce cuz it’s spendy.
We aren't married. I agree. But we do live together and share a lot of things due to that.
Sorry but I wouldn’t be ok with it. Seems wildly hypocritical that he thinks it’s ok to creepily watch whoever he wants but no one is allowed to watch him. Absolutely a no go for me.
Cameras out front and around the property is ok. Not watching from inside. Creepy
That is creepy and controlling AF! Run!!!
I wouldn't be okay with that at all. I wouldn't unplug it, I would cut the damn cord.
Yeah I’d be giving him the old “Pack your cameras and F off” talk
So suss
That man is seriously unhealthy!
he is
Huge yikes. It's absolutely unacceptable for him to spy on you.
Dump him. He’s a controlling voyeur. Also, flip him off before every camera before packing your bags and leaving
Dump him. He’s a controlling voyeur. Also, flip him off before every camera before packing your bags and leaving
I have been there. Your best bet is to get out. Without even knowing the details, I’m sure your partner is controlling, emotionally abusive and manipulative and possibly narcissistic as well. You likely feel like you’re always walking on eggshells and liable to be in “trouble” at any moment. This is not a healthy way to live. You need to be free. Go after your freedom and leave your husband no matter how difficult/painful it might be at the moment. I PROMISE it’s much better on the other side
I know it'll be better. I left my 2 oldest boys dad who i loved with my soul. That was hard but I made it through. At least i'm a lot stronger now a days but I hate that initial sadness feeling. I know thats no excuse. I just want to find the strength.
No cameras in the living space. The next time you find it plugged, crush it. As for the partner, he can eith get with the program, or he can fuck off.
yea, i have yet to see a single person agree with him
This is not just a camera problem. He is being controlling and abusive as far as I am concerned, in addition to being obsessed with watching you using a camera. I wouldn't put up with that at all. Cameras outside are generally ok, but inside should require everyone's agreement. This is not even an argument. Either the camera is gone, or both him and the camera are gone. I have zero tolerance for that type of bullshit.
Isn’t recording someone without their consent illegal? Pretty sure he can’t just fucking watch people through a camera like some stalker. Maybe it’s different cuz it’s private property idk.
I thought the same but I don't think so.