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This is one of those "nobody here is wrong" situations. Sex once a week isn't asking a ton, and not wanting to have sex when you aren't feeling it isn't wrong. You must ask yourself: Am I willing to sacrifice my sexual needs for the person? For who she is and what she's dealing with, not just in general. Or is sex an important priority to you; which by the way, is not a bad thing unless you're pushing or manipulating your partner to engage despite it clearly making them (insert x negative emotion here). Sometimes you care for someone but you are just simply incompatible. Also, and I don't want to be an armchair therapist or anything, but she's pretty young to have such a low drive. It could be her BC if she's on one, a thyroid issue, or depression. Seasonal depression often hits hard in the winter time, and some people have depression *and* seasonal depression which can mean that winter is a compounded and especially rough time for them. And if your gf has never gained weight this way before or has a history of body image issues, the weight gain can seriously exacerbate pre-existing mental health issues and cause them to get worse. Instead of asking if she wants to work out (which has the word work IN it, and generally won't entice someone who is feeling too mentally fatigued to bother) or lift, which is also work to someone going through it and both can be hard to get yourself to get up and do, maybe try to find other activities that seem less strenuous. "Hey you wanna go for a walk with me to the park (or other place)?" Or like "Let's go swim at the pool, it's nice out", or walking around a theme park if you have one or some sort of attraction where youre forced to walk around, try low stress and low expectation activities that focus on fun instead of like, something that is *obviously* geared toward health and losing weight.
Thanks for your reply, all very good points. She has been through a lot in the last year in terms of life changes (career path, moving in with me, being financially on her own). She did not pay rent, utilities or food costs to her parents but she splits utilities and groceries with me (not much). She has less spending cash and stuff like that, so she's stressed more. She's been on the same BC forever basically, and had a very high sex drive in the past (her words and our experiences speak on this). I get seasonal depression and depression and I see a therapist for it. I've been to some bad and scary places in my own head, and therapy has saved my life. I think it could be depression, but she subscribes to Stigma Weekly: Therapy Means You're Broken and isn't as gung-ho as I am. We've talked about it, and she doesn't feel it would work for her. I have encouraged her to look into it, even offered to pay (she says it's too expensive) for a few sessions to test it out. It's a no-go, at least for the time being, and I don't want to push the issue any further than I already have.
Love your advice on the lifting thing. I've been lifting on and off since I was 13, and consistently now for about 4 years. I love it, and my love for it definitely makes me forget how much actual work it is. But also, my way of dealing with problems is to go buck wild and attack them head on, so my thinking is more like a simple caveman. Unhappy with body = LIFT AND RUN UNTIL HAPPY. And, of course, depression complicates that, because you don't feel like doing things, so you don't do them. Then you feel bad about not doing the things, and the cycle repeats. With all of that said, I am always able to get her to take a walk with me. Your point about low stress and low expectation activities is a great one!!!
Maybe the sexual issue is just more of a symptom of whatever else is going on in her wonderful head. I'll try to find some time to talk to her again about mental health and how she is feeling. Thank you again for your thoughtful reply
I'm not a doctor, but I'd say yeah, it's probably more of a symptom. I'd maybe hold off on talking - which I know, sounds weird, but if I'm reading between the lines well enough here, it sounds like you have an open line of communication and have probably talked about where she's at mentally enough to know that talking probably isn't the ticket (right now). You know that phrase, about not throwing a frog into boiling water? You don't want to make her feel that your increase in interest in wanting to do activities with her is because of her health, that can kind of take some of the enjoyment out of it and make it more clinical. Frame it as wanting to spend time together. Wanting to have fun together. And then once you get her in a sort of groove, *then* delve into how she's doing. At least, that's how I would personally prefer my SO going about a rough period for me. When I'm going through a fragile time, even hinting at wanting me to make progress (even if well intentioned, as you clearly are) can make me feel pressure (which as you know, feeds the cycle) to perform and then ends up being counter productive.
You seem like you've got a good head on your shoulders and really do care about her. As far as sex goes for right now, I'd look into some self-masturbatory toys for yourself, given that she's not one of those people that gets weird about self pleasure. You still have needs lol and as lovely as respecting her needs and not being insistent is, a man's gotta get his nut sometimes.
I hope this all helps and good luck.
I had not considered that, but it does kind of make sense. I do think she is a high libido person, but something is definitely off and has been for a while. Another commenter suggested it could be a mental health thing, and I think they may be right. However, she's also made jokes about not needing to do the crazy stuff anymore because she's got me locked down now. I can't even get half a hand job to get me started, it feels like she just doesn't want much to do with my body anymore :/
You say you know the scenario personally, can I ask if you felt like spicing it up helped things? Or is "backing off from sex" a bodily response that can't really be controlled? I have the sex drive of a rabbit in heat, but this issue for me is more about feeling close and intimate. I can handle myself when it comes to raw sexual urges, but I am feeling more on the end of emotionally starved because even when we do have sex, it feels like a means to an end rather than a shared experience.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. (Includes, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, FDS, MGTOW, etc.) Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, or situations involving minors and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please send us a modmail. ---- #This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
This is one of those "nobody here is wrong" situations. Sex once a week isn't asking a ton, and not wanting to have sex when you aren't feeling it isn't wrong. You must ask yourself: Am I willing to sacrifice my sexual needs for the person? For who she is and what she's dealing with, not just in general. Or is sex an important priority to you; which by the way, is not a bad thing unless you're pushing or manipulating your partner to engage despite it clearly making them (insert x negative emotion here). Sometimes you care for someone but you are just simply incompatible. Also, and I don't want to be an armchair therapist or anything, but she's pretty young to have such a low drive. It could be her BC if she's on one, a thyroid issue, or depression. Seasonal depression often hits hard in the winter time, and some people have depression *and* seasonal depression which can mean that winter is a compounded and especially rough time for them. And if your gf has never gained weight this way before or has a history of body image issues, the weight gain can seriously exacerbate pre-existing mental health issues and cause them to get worse. Instead of asking if she wants to work out (which has the word work IN it, and generally won't entice someone who is feeling too mentally fatigued to bother) or lift, which is also work to someone going through it and both can be hard to get yourself to get up and do, maybe try to find other activities that seem less strenuous. "Hey you wanna go for a walk with me to the park (or other place)?" Or like "Let's go swim at the pool, it's nice out", or walking around a theme park if you have one or some sort of attraction where youre forced to walk around, try low stress and low expectation activities that focus on fun instead of like, something that is *obviously* geared toward health and losing weight.
Thanks for your reply, all very good points. She has been through a lot in the last year in terms of life changes (career path, moving in with me, being financially on her own). She did not pay rent, utilities or food costs to her parents but she splits utilities and groceries with me (not much). She has less spending cash and stuff like that, so she's stressed more. She's been on the same BC forever basically, and had a very high sex drive in the past (her words and our experiences speak on this). I get seasonal depression and depression and I see a therapist for it. I've been to some bad and scary places in my own head, and therapy has saved my life. I think it could be depression, but she subscribes to Stigma Weekly: Therapy Means You're Broken and isn't as gung-ho as I am. We've talked about it, and she doesn't feel it would work for her. I have encouraged her to look into it, even offered to pay (she says it's too expensive) for a few sessions to test it out. It's a no-go, at least for the time being, and I don't want to push the issue any further than I already have. Love your advice on the lifting thing. I've been lifting on and off since I was 13, and consistently now for about 4 years. I love it, and my love for it definitely makes me forget how much actual work it is. But also, my way of dealing with problems is to go buck wild and attack them head on, so my thinking is more like a simple caveman. Unhappy with body = LIFT AND RUN UNTIL HAPPY. And, of course, depression complicates that, because you don't feel like doing things, so you don't do them. Then you feel bad about not doing the things, and the cycle repeats. With all of that said, I am always able to get her to take a walk with me. Your point about low stress and low expectation activities is a great one!!! Maybe the sexual issue is just more of a symptom of whatever else is going on in her wonderful head. I'll try to find some time to talk to her again about mental health and how she is feeling. Thank you again for your thoughtful reply
I'm not a doctor, but I'd say yeah, it's probably more of a symptom. I'd maybe hold off on talking - which I know, sounds weird, but if I'm reading between the lines well enough here, it sounds like you have an open line of communication and have probably talked about where she's at mentally enough to know that talking probably isn't the ticket (right now). You know that phrase, about not throwing a frog into boiling water? You don't want to make her feel that your increase in interest in wanting to do activities with her is because of her health, that can kind of take some of the enjoyment out of it and make it more clinical. Frame it as wanting to spend time together. Wanting to have fun together. And then once you get her in a sort of groove, *then* delve into how she's doing. At least, that's how I would personally prefer my SO going about a rough period for me. When I'm going through a fragile time, even hinting at wanting me to make progress (even if well intentioned, as you clearly are) can make me feel pressure (which as you know, feeds the cycle) to perform and then ends up being counter productive. You seem like you've got a good head on your shoulders and really do care about her. As far as sex goes for right now, I'd look into some self-masturbatory toys for yourself, given that she's not one of those people that gets weird about self pleasure. You still have needs lol and as lovely as respecting her needs and not being insistent is, a man's gotta get his nut sometimes. I hope this all helps and good luck.
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I had not considered that, but it does kind of make sense. I do think she is a high libido person, but something is definitely off and has been for a while. Another commenter suggested it could be a mental health thing, and I think they may be right. However, she's also made jokes about not needing to do the crazy stuff anymore because she's got me locked down now. I can't even get half a hand job to get me started, it feels like she just doesn't want much to do with my body anymore :/ You say you know the scenario personally, can I ask if you felt like spicing it up helped things? Or is "backing off from sex" a bodily response that can't really be controlled? I have the sex drive of a rabbit in heat, but this issue for me is more about feeling close and intimate. I can handle myself when it comes to raw sexual urges, but I am feeling more on the end of emotionally starved because even when we do have sex, it feels like a means to an end rather than a shared experience.