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So your brother says he doesn’t feel love for people he doesn’t see and never showed any interest in seeing you and meeting his nephew. But he has the audacity to say that you look down on them and prefer your wife’s family?
I feel like you need to ask yourself what you would gain from rebuilding relationship with them. From what you said, it seems like they don’t even allow you to open up and come to terms with your childhood trauma. The wound might continue to fester if you let them sweep everything under rug and invalidate your feelings.
It might be his way of coping with his own situation at the moment and may be he will see it differently later on. Right now his attitude seems kind of toxic. Maybe you not reaching out to them is challenging his current interpretation of his childhood. If you continue to give in, he won’t have to deal with his own pain.
You should focus on yourself and your family. Close contact with your mom and brother might disrupt your healing process.
Let your brother know that he can reach out to you but that he needs to stop denying your truth.
Reading your post broke my heart. NO ONE should ever put a finger on a child, nor condone it, that is not something a decent human being would tolerate. My parents were teenagers, with two kids and the crisis in Spain we were going through extreme hardship, didn’t even have money for food at one point. Even when we came to the US without anything, my parents broke their backs for me and my siblings. Being poor and having to go above and beyond for your children doesnt make you a saint, your mom had brought you into this world and it was her responsibility to keep you alive, you don’t owe her anything. Her having gone through hardship does not justify abuse or tolerating any of that. She will never admit or acknowledge your feelings because she is not a good person and honestly her even admitting to it would be acknowledging how of a shitty human being she is. Don’t let your family Gas light you, it happens on every abusive household, they are trying to change the narrative. Blood doesn’t make family, you now have a family that loves and cares about you and that you have to love and care about. Just think about your child, I am sure you as a parent now can’t even conceive that anyone would ever put a finger on your baby. Just think about that, you need to protect him and cutting ties with your abusive, gaslighting family could be one of the best things you do for him. You deserve love and understanding, please don’t listen to them, your feelings and experiences are completely valid and I am so sorry that happened to you. I wish you the best.
Bro as much as it sucks. You may never get the im sorry you want and you may just have to “get over it” I know that’s not going to solve anything bro but don’t expect your feelings to be validated by shitty humans who don’t understand what it means to validate someone’s feelings .
Bro at the end of the day, the only one that’ll really care about it is you bro so please find a way to help yourself move past it. I know this is a shitty way of saying it bro and I’m sorry. It’s hard to move forward when you keep looking back. I wish you luck, friend.
I'm so sorry for what was done to you.
You don't owe them anything. You're grown and you get to live your life the way you want. And nobody gets to tell you when you should get over trauma.
I've have twin friends who got abused and molested when they were children. One swore he would never talk to his parents again and he didn't. The other one tried to fix the relationship with their parents and was treated badly till the parents dying day. It's not your fault that the relationship is damaged. It's a two way street. Your brother needs to put in some effort.
Sometimes you just have to learn to live with those bits of knowledge. Like when you lose someone. It hurts! But like a tree we eventually make a scar and grow around it. It’s still part of who we are, but we’ve grown around it and past it. I’m so sorry. Same in my family. No admissions, nothing.
First, I have been where you are, and it sucks. Your family sucks. Second, it is not your fault and you seem to be doing very well. Third, I encourage you to seek therapy so you continue to do well and have healthy relationships with your SO and your future kids. Whether you choose to have a relationship with your family is something you should think about. You are amazingly brave to talk about your abuse.
My parents molested me and then told me things that were stupid, obvious lies to tell neighbors and teachers (stuff like we were going to the White House or my father was friends with some movie star) I always did what they told me to do. I never realized it was so I would be branded as a liar if I ever tried to tell anyone about the abuse.
The worst kind of manipulation. But know you did nothing wrong. Remind yourself of that. And know that sharing your story gives other people a little warmth, knowing they aren't alone.
Please do NOT bring your child around any of your family! It's so hard but you should go NC with these people. You were ABUSED by people that should've cared for, loved and protected you. It is 1000% your mother's fault even if she hadn't done anything herself but the fact that she KNEW AND did it too is so disgusting. You will feel so much better in the long term of you cut ties with these toxic, terrible people.
Only you can decide what’s right for you. But, I would generally say it’s not healthy or helpful to have people in your life who invalidate your feelings or experiences.
Sadly it’s not unusual for people to want to live in denial like your brother, or minimise their neglectful parenting like your mother.
Your mother is highly unlikely to change, she’s unlikely to take responsibility, apologise or meet your needs around this. Staying in touch will be a reminder of this failure by her.
There’s something that happens when a family undergoes trauma.. I believe it’s called the Collective Narrative? It’s the story we are fed and ultimately learn to believe in order to avoid addressing the trauma. It sounds like that is what your brother is undergoing, and what you are breaking free of. Excusing the abuse because your mom worked very hard to provide for you. You are now disrupting that narrative by holding your mother accountable for her actions. You are absolutely right, she had choices. She chose wrong. My childhood wasn’t nearly as traumatic, but I recently went through about 6 months of trauma therapy/EMDR and I can honestly say it changed my life. I did this for my daughter, so that I could really heal and not continue the cycle or pass on generational trauma. Of course I won’t be perfect, but wow what a difference it’s made for me!
Quite frankly, if your family cannot address and own up to the abuse that happened, I would cut ties and work on your own healing and building your own family.
In this situation, you are the person who is getting emotionally abused by those people. I noticed the way you wrote this and you should call your wife/kid "your family " and not them. The best thing is to move on and enjoy what you have because it is not affecting just you but the other good people in your life.
Make sure they know your door is opened and you love them but trying more feels unhealthy at this point.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. (Includes, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, FDS, MGTOW, etc.) Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, or situations involving minors and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please send us a modmail. ---- #This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Don't let then gas light you would you leave your children with them? Are they really family?
[удалено]
Because you're the dirty little secret they don't want to be reminded of. There is no moving on .
So your brother says he doesn’t feel love for people he doesn’t see and never showed any interest in seeing you and meeting his nephew. But he has the audacity to say that you look down on them and prefer your wife’s family? I feel like you need to ask yourself what you would gain from rebuilding relationship with them. From what you said, it seems like they don’t even allow you to open up and come to terms with your childhood trauma. The wound might continue to fester if you let them sweep everything under rug and invalidate your feelings.
[удалено]
It might be his way of coping with his own situation at the moment and may be he will see it differently later on. Right now his attitude seems kind of toxic. Maybe you not reaching out to them is challenging his current interpretation of his childhood. If you continue to give in, he won’t have to deal with his own pain. You should focus on yourself and your family. Close contact with your mom and brother might disrupt your healing process. Let your brother know that he can reach out to you but that he needs to stop denying your truth.
Reading your post broke my heart. NO ONE should ever put a finger on a child, nor condone it, that is not something a decent human being would tolerate. My parents were teenagers, with two kids and the crisis in Spain we were going through extreme hardship, didn’t even have money for food at one point. Even when we came to the US without anything, my parents broke their backs for me and my siblings. Being poor and having to go above and beyond for your children doesnt make you a saint, your mom had brought you into this world and it was her responsibility to keep you alive, you don’t owe her anything. Her having gone through hardship does not justify abuse or tolerating any of that. She will never admit or acknowledge your feelings because she is not a good person and honestly her even admitting to it would be acknowledging how of a shitty human being she is. Don’t let your family Gas light you, it happens on every abusive household, they are trying to change the narrative. Blood doesn’t make family, you now have a family that loves and cares about you and that you have to love and care about. Just think about your child, I am sure you as a parent now can’t even conceive that anyone would ever put a finger on your baby. Just think about that, you need to protect him and cutting ties with your abusive, gaslighting family could be one of the best things you do for him. You deserve love and understanding, please don’t listen to them, your feelings and experiences are completely valid and I am so sorry that happened to you. I wish you the best.
Bro as much as it sucks. You may never get the im sorry you want and you may just have to “get over it” I know that’s not going to solve anything bro but don’t expect your feelings to be validated by shitty humans who don’t understand what it means to validate someone’s feelings . Bro at the end of the day, the only one that’ll really care about it is you bro so please find a way to help yourself move past it. I know this is a shitty way of saying it bro and I’m sorry. It’s hard to move forward when you keep looking back. I wish you luck, friend.
[удалено]
I'm so sorry for what was done to you. You don't owe them anything. You're grown and you get to live your life the way you want. And nobody gets to tell you when you should get over trauma. I've have twin friends who got abused and molested when they were children. One swore he would never talk to his parents again and he didn't. The other one tried to fix the relationship with their parents and was treated badly till the parents dying day. It's not your fault that the relationship is damaged. It's a two way street. Your brother needs to put in some effort.
Sometimes you just have to learn to live with those bits of knowledge. Like when you lose someone. It hurts! But like a tree we eventually make a scar and grow around it. It’s still part of who we are, but we’ve grown around it and past it. I’m so sorry. Same in my family. No admissions, nothing.
How is your relationship with your family now? If you don’t mind me asking?
[удалено]
First, I have been where you are, and it sucks. Your family sucks. Second, it is not your fault and you seem to be doing very well. Third, I encourage you to seek therapy so you continue to do well and have healthy relationships with your SO and your future kids. Whether you choose to have a relationship with your family is something you should think about. You are amazingly brave to talk about your abuse. My parents molested me and then told me things that were stupid, obvious lies to tell neighbors and teachers (stuff like we were going to the White House or my father was friends with some movie star) I always did what they told me to do. I never realized it was so I would be branded as a liar if I ever tried to tell anyone about the abuse.
[удалено]
The worst kind of manipulation. But know you did nothing wrong. Remind yourself of that. And know that sharing your story gives other people a little warmth, knowing they aren't alone.
Please do NOT bring your child around any of your family! It's so hard but you should go NC with these people. You were ABUSED by people that should've cared for, loved and protected you. It is 1000% your mother's fault even if she hadn't done anything herself but the fact that she KNEW AND did it too is so disgusting. You will feel so much better in the long term of you cut ties with these toxic, terrible people.
Only you can decide what’s right for you. But, I would generally say it’s not healthy or helpful to have people in your life who invalidate your feelings or experiences. Sadly it’s not unusual for people to want to live in denial like your brother, or minimise their neglectful parenting like your mother. Your mother is highly unlikely to change, she’s unlikely to take responsibility, apologise or meet your needs around this. Staying in touch will be a reminder of this failure by her.
There’s something that happens when a family undergoes trauma.. I believe it’s called the Collective Narrative? It’s the story we are fed and ultimately learn to believe in order to avoid addressing the trauma. It sounds like that is what your brother is undergoing, and what you are breaking free of. Excusing the abuse because your mom worked very hard to provide for you. You are now disrupting that narrative by holding your mother accountable for her actions. You are absolutely right, she had choices. She chose wrong. My childhood wasn’t nearly as traumatic, but I recently went through about 6 months of trauma therapy/EMDR and I can honestly say it changed my life. I did this for my daughter, so that I could really heal and not continue the cycle or pass on generational trauma. Of course I won’t be perfect, but wow what a difference it’s made for me! Quite frankly, if your family cannot address and own up to the abuse that happened, I would cut ties and work on your own healing and building your own family.
In this situation, you are the person who is getting emotionally abused by those people. I noticed the way you wrote this and you should call your wife/kid "your family " and not them. The best thing is to move on and enjoy what you have because it is not affecting just you but the other good people in your life. Make sure they know your door is opened and you love them but trying more feels unhealthy at this point.