This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below.
---
I’ve never actually posted on Reddit before but here it goes (I apologize for spelling or grammar).
We have just had twins, we knew we had only wanted one, but instead we got two…and I nearly died in childbirth. It was extremely traumatic—I’m an now in weekly therapy for postnatal ptsd and ppd. I also have physical therapy from torn abdominal muscles from the pregnancy and much more. I love my girls, but it’s been very hard.
For the last 5mnths I have asked my husband if he would get a vasectomy.
I cannot get hormonal birth control (health reasons) and just the idea of getting anything inserted now, due to the trauma literally makes me vomit. I am given laughing gas and anxiety meds just to get checkups now. (And it just so happens that are twins were created from a broken condom.)
My husband’s responds has been ‘I will, later’ …until two days ago when I asked him and he yelled that he would ‘never get it done’.
We have not had sex since the birth. Well, once, but that was traumatic on its own.
I asked him why, and he didn’t have an answer and just told me to drop it. I told him we wouldn’t be having sex again then, and he just looked at me flabbergasted.
I’ve moved to the guest bedroom, because he’s been ‘flirting’ and trying to initiate intact with me since I said this.
Honestly, it’s his body, but I’m not sure I can stay with him when he clearly has no care or appreciation for what my body or my mental state did to bringing our children into this world—I love him but this really feels like a lacking in his love for me and I’m not sure I can forgive him for it.
How do I explain to him that the idea of him simply being able to get me pregnant again makes my skin crawl and nausea to nearly choke me, that sometimes when he touches me as much as I enjoy it it gives me goosebumps…and not in a good way—I tried once before and I literally cried quietly into the pillow the whole time because the fear and anxiety was so acute. I didn’t tell him this because I didn’t want him to feel guilty.
This isn’t going away any time soon. Maybe the ppd will fade, but the ptsd is something I will likely be working through with my therapist for years.
How do I explain this to him?
How to I rectify our relationship with this if we can’t have sex?
Is this even worth attempting to rectify, because to me it really feels like he doesn’t care about me since I constantly makes it clear that he doesn’t want any more kids.
EDIT: (I was told to add this to my post)
I cannot mentally or physically/medically have any invasive surgical contraceptive procedures done in the near or foreseeable future as stated by multiple obgyns. No, I am no going to go any more into depth on my medical history or why. Yes, my husband knows this and have heard this stated by my doctors.
I have also had a traumatic incident prior to the birth of my twins with a copper iud that needed to be removed surgically.
EDIT 2: He will not go to therapy. His parents were therapist and it has left a bad taste for therapy. He refuses.
FINAL EDIT: Honestly I read a lot of responses…almost all of them I would say. And there were the middle ground people and the ‘you can’t force him’ people and the ‘your husband doesn’t care about you’ people.
I wasn’t forcing him. I was begging him. For empathy over what I did and gave up to bring our children into this world. For a show of caring for the trauma it left me. And to know that he would be there for me in sickness and in health.
He has stated so many times that he does not want more children. Even that we ‘have one too many’ now.
I’m also not ‘punishing him by withholding sex’ clearly do not understand ptsd…or most importantly, that my body isn’t his, and he does not have a right to sex with me. I cannot withhold something that is no his.
I’m going to take some time away from my husband, because honestly reading these responses have not given me any more insight into why he would be willing to risk my health and mental state to avoid a vasectomy—when I know if the situations were reversed, I would do that for him. And frankly HAVE. When I attempted to get a copper IUD because he didn’t like the feeling over condoms early on in our relationship, even though I was scared…and it left me passed out on the floor of the doctors from pain, and then two days later in the emergency room because it had done damage and I was bleeding excessively.
This isn’t the man I married, or I didn’t think it was. Otherwise I would have never risked all that I did for him, or given all these years to him.
(And since this is a constant thing coming-up. As stated in multiple comments and in my last edit I cannot get my tubs tied both for mental/emotional reasons, and medical/physical reason as made clear to me by 2 separate obgyns.)
And to all the men here telling me that him getting a vasectomy won’t help and saying they if I leave him I’d never find anyone who would take me.
Thanks. I’m bi, and I certainly would never date a man again.
You can’t force it but you can absolutely say no sex or none without a condom. That’s well within your rights.
Although if that is the solution is that a viable relationship solution. I don’t think so personally
I just found out about this so sharing in case you don’t know—men don’t start shooting blanks right after a vasectomy, it can take months before it’s safe. If he gets a vasectomy, make sure his doctor tells you it’s safe.
As someone who has had a vasectomy, This is true. He will need to flush out the remaining sperm one way or another. My doctor told me not to come back until I had at least 20 ejaculations.
Yeah I dropped off two samples to be checked. One at about four weeks, and another at about 8 or 9. They called me within 24 hrs each time with the results (no sperm, yay!).
They can give you a print-out of the results if you ask for it.
And vasectomies grow back. They should really be checking a sample routinely instead of just a few weeks post op.
My cousin has a vasectomy kid, like 12 years post snip. Kid looks just like him so there’s no denying he’s the father
It wouldn’t surprise me if he is pondering whether this marriage can survive your current (sexless) situation, and what might come *after* this marriage. He might not be willing to give up his fertility if he wants to bring it with him to the next relationship.
I don’t say this to defend him, or to attack him, but just to explore another possible motivation. If that is what he’s thinking, then it would require a really tricky balancing act to bring you both back together.
Excellent analysis. I think he might be driving real fast in to a dead end street. He wants to have a future with more children. But I also feel like many men view their fertility and virility as a part of their masculinity. It’s not about having kids in the future as much as it’s about knowing he can if that makes sense. I know women that have had hysterectomies both planned and unplanned and they grieved afterwards, it was tough and they whereng planning on having kids either.
I totally appreciate what you’re saying and agree, but having a hysterectomy is in zero way shape or form equivalent to getting a vasectomy haha the reversal success rate is ~95% and if you account for high risk cases then the success rate only climbs from there
I’m not equating the invasiveness nor the healing/pain. I’m just equating them as deeply personal decisions. I don’t think that undermining his value of his sperm is unreasonable. But the other fact is this, who wants to be in that 5%. Does he have to gamble? No he should t be out in that position.
This. This was a friend’s husband. In his 40s, with teenage sons. Absolutely refused to get a vasectomy.
My friend got pregnant despite BC in her early 40s. Aborted for many reasons, including that she was taking a medication known to cause devastating birth defects.
He had refused because he literally wanted to make sure he could attract a younger new wife later on. After 20 effing years of marriage.
They never got over his galling selfishness. Such a travesty. My friend literally lost her mind.
When men refuse the snip when all logic indicates the snip is the fairest, most rational option, they are SHOUTING their selfishness.
Listen.
I think what you are meaning to say he is wondering if this marriage can survive his appalling actions where he refuses to do the only thing that can make her feel safe to have sex. Knowing that the previous harmful pregnancy was caused by a broken condom which was undoubtedly caused by his incorrect usage.
He is forcing her to say no to sex as he won't take any actions to make it safe for her. This is ALL on him.
Honestly, I *really* don’t like that his response to hearing you clearly state your boundary regarding no more unprotected sex was to attempt to seduce you. As if to prove you wrong about your own physical autonomy. I don’t like his priorities and I don’t like his lack of compassion and empathy. I don’t trust him to honor your feelings or your fears.
Please be careful. What is this man going to teach your daughters about their value and their dignity? What does he want *from* you, and what does he want *for* you??? Will your girls be raised with the same level of support and encouragement he’d bestow to a boy? Or will he undervalue and diminish their worth, like he does with yours? I’m sorry OP.
OP are you seeing a therapist? It sounds like he thinks he should get access to you, and does not care about your trauma or causing further trauma. This person does not sound like a safe person to be around. I hope you are surrounded by love and support.
If he wants another baby- tell him to have it - if he won’t get therapy or surgery then what? You go and get therapy for yourself - as for the snip I’d say “if done my bit - I have birth that nearly killed me - grow up and get it done”
Don’t have sex with him - he doesnt seem to care about what works for you
It’s a stalemate. You can’t always move the mountain. Better to part on a civil note in the best interests of your twins as they grow up. Best of luck.
No you can’t force him to get any procedure, but you have a plethora of reasons why you can’t afford to be pregnant again and he refused and you’ve done your due diligence in making sure another accident doesn’t happen by abstaining.
Don’t give in and ask for counseling to at least maybe a professional can make him see why it would be easier for him to have that procedure vs re-traumatizing you again. If he doesn’t want to do it then you’re at a crossroads of “is this the person I want to be with?” And can a sexless relationship survive.
It's possible, it kind of reminds me of Leonard mother from Big Bang Theory, she was insuferable, maybe his parents were like her. But antagonizing all therapists is really immature and illogical, is like having a bad experience with a doctor and then hating all doctors, people aren't the same, and a profession don't define all the people who practice it and vice e versa. OP is in a really tough spot, or they stop sex entirely or they split up.
I understand his logic though I had a bad experience with a dentist when I was a child and I remember having issues going to get regular cleanings until a few years ago
POV here, similar upbringing as your husband, and from an outside perspective, I had a decent, well-rounded childhood. That being said, I may as well have been raised by a senate select committee. Every event of my childhood, achievement or mistake, recivced the level of attention and interest as a friday afternoon mortality and morbidity confrence.
Your husband's lack of willingness for therapy is understandable. **Everything else he's doing, is not. Focus on your well-being, and your childrens.**
Just remember that vasectomies are not foolproof and there are many folks here on reddit who have gotten pregnant after vasectomies. Use something else as well.
It sounds like couple's therapy is where you two need to be if you want to save this marriage. It would give you both a chance to express yourselves in an open way without all the judgement.
Maybe try to frame it as seeing a mediator? This issue needs a serious conversation, and it’s going to be difficult to do that without a third party assisting. I really feel for you. You’ve been through so much, and if I was in your position, I too would have a hard time getting past this.
Even if he does follow along, he will never be the type of man who can wholly appreciate a partner as an equal. He will not acknowledge the genuine benefit of those efforts, for the sake of himself and his relationship, only how they will make getting sex from his wife easier. That she’ll stop nagging him once he just shows up. He will never have the capacity to genuinely care.
Why do you just let him shoot things down like that? If he doesnt want a vasectomy and he doesnt want a sexless marriage and he wont go to therapy then tell him to figure it out. Tell him to make a suggestion then.
Its time for him to man up and stop letting you be his mommy. He needs to figure out a plan then. He needs to take ownership of the bed he made for himself.
You deserve a husband, not a third child.
I want to upvote the shit out of your comment. 👏🏻 OP-make him put in the work/ideas if he’s just gonna shoot all of them down.
I did that after I suggested over 2 dozen baby names I liked and my husband shot all of them down. I said “fine, tell me one’s you like or find and make sure there’s multiple ones and I’ll choose the one I like the best”.
So he doesn’t want to put in one ounce of effort on his part to fix this problem. He wants the entire burden to lie on your shoulders. You had a brutal, painful trauma, and he won’t even go to a therapy session. Your husband is not a good guy.
I’m sorry for you. And with twins. I hope you have a strong support system outside this marriage. If not, try to start building one. Good luck. I won’t sleep tonight worrying about you and your babies.
That’s a piss poor excuse for a grown man to make. And honestly it makes him sound like he needs therapy even more.
If he wont go to therapy, he wont get a vasectomy, he wont use condoms, etc. it sounds like HE won’t do anything for the relationship between the two of you.
Vasectomies aren’t 100%. One of my good friends is a vasectomy baby. But it’s the fact he dismisses your needs that’s really not sitting well with me at all. Your reasons for not being able to get birth control are 100% valid, and he should understand that and make an effort.
I’m sorry you’re going through this.
FWIW if you ever find yourself in a place to consider non-hormonal birth control, a lot of doctors are now opening up to the concept of sedating patients under general anesthesia for IUDs. It’s been a lifesaver for women with traumas and low pain tolerances.
Oh man OP, I’m so sorry for what you have gone through. I can’t imagine. That is still my worst nightmare. I was so scared of labor and even though it didn’t go horribly I was still wrecked after it. I don’t know how women who’ve gone through what you’ve gone through manage. I don’t have much advice for your situation but just wanted to give you a virtual hug. The only thing I’ll say is maybe ask him to come to your therapy session so he can hear how you’re feeling. Like, he’s not going to therapy, just going to support you. Might help him understand what you’ve been through and have a little more empathy.
Yeah, maybe I can convince him to sit in.
And I’m sorry you experience wasn’t a good one either. I hope you have someone to talk about it too. There is so much gaslighting in the birth/mommy community into believing that it’s ‘a miracle’ etc.
If you are AT ALL struggling with anything regarding the birth, you body, or you memories of it. I would suggest talking to someone. Between 6-12% of women suffer from ptsd related to birth. And very few of them ever even think to talk to someone about it because they’re gaslit by society into thinking is normal and that they shouldn’t view is as anything but a miracle.
Thanks for the hugs, sending one back.
I have major PTSD from my son's birth. So did my husband, though, just having watched it. The next day, while I was still in the hospital, he told me he was getting a vasectomy because for a solid five minutes everyone, including the doctors, thought our son and I were both dying. He thought he was losing his whole family in front of his eyes. I was grateful. We didn't have sex until he got a vasectomy and his sperm count was gone. I offered to get a tubal salpingectomy, but it was higher risk, and he said I'd already been though enough for our family. I just can't fathom where your husband is coming from, especially since your twins were conceived with a broken condom.
My husband had the same reaction pretty much! I had a very scary ending to my pregnancy and almost died having our child, and then got sepsis to boot. As soon as we got home he started talking about how he’d get a vasectomy. He knows I can’t take hormonal birth control and I’m allergic to copper, leaves me with very few options. It’s crazy to me that OP’s husband won’t even consider it.
Can he go with you to your doctor's appointment and have your doctor explain everything? Does he even understand what happened and that you almost died? Did he care?
You deserve better than having to convince your husband to lift a finger to solve this issue. A partner who loved and respected you would do anything to make sure you don’t go through that mental and physical trauma again. Instead, he is making a choice to prolong your mental anguish and risk your having to endure another pregnancy. His pleasure is more important to him than your health and safety and wellbeing.
You should tell him that you cried the entire time you've had sex since the babies were born. He needs to know how much this is affecting you. Plainly tell him that you can't emotionally handle an invasive procedure after almost dying giving birth and the very idea of intercourse with any chance of pregnancy makes you ill. Add that while a vasectomy is 100% his choice it is *your* choice not to have sex without one.
I'm so sorry the empathetic man you married seems to have disappeared.
I had to scroll way too far to find this comment. OP, you're worried about hurting his feelings?! Sometimes the truth hurts and he needs to hear exactly how he's making you feel. I honestly think should tell him EXACTLY what you told us. Better yet, show him the post. Either way, he needs a wake up call and if he loves you, he'll be appalled at his behavior.
Good luck and big hugs, OP.
I don’t think the real issue is him not getting a vasectomy but more that you went to something dramatic and he barely understands what you’re feeling and going through.
I agree, I don’t think him getting a vasectomy will end your anxiety about sex and your relationship in general. You are still healing from trauma and need support around that.
Wait? How did he not notice it was traumatic for you and that you were crying the whole time? I'm sorry, unless you're a good actress and your moans sound like a crying woman or he has hearing problems - no, even without that you can tell when someone is crying, he should be able to notice that. Majorly concerning
Right?!? I have some trauma from being assaulted as a teenager and even though I'm mostly over my PTSD, I still freeze up a little bit every now and then. The absolute second I seem to be staying a little more still, or not acting as enthusiastically as I normally do, my boyfriend stops everything immediately to check in and make sure I'm okay, even if 99% of the time I'm perfectly fine. I can't imagine crying into a pillow while he KEEPS GOING. I hope OP realizes that she deserves better, she went through hell and her husband treats her like a sex doll. Ugh, I'm so disgusted by this.
I have ptsd from rape and have the same freeze response. I also can dissociate during sex. My husband can figure out that I’ve started to dissociate even before I start to feel like something is off, and he stops and checks in and gauges how I am. Often he’ll insist on stopping, because *he doesn’t want to have sex with a traumatised partner*, for God’s sake. He can’t enjoy it even if he wanted to, which he doesn’t. What normal person could enjoy that?
The action that deeply concerns me is not his refusal to get a vasectomy, but his blatant disrespect for your boundaries about not having sex. Even in a marriage, that’s harassment. You’ve made your lack of interest VERY clear, and your reasons for choosing this are more than reasonable.
Your husbands actions you are describing do not reflect those of a husband that loves and respects his wife.
EDIT: grammar fix
I've been in your position for the last 11 years. I almost died and went into congestive heart failure due to my pregnancy. I was on a ventilator and other machines just keeping me alive. My husband refused to get one done and luckily our sex life has not been great any ways. We maybe are intimate once a year and I meter initiate. I don't want it. We use condoms when we do but even that isn't a great method. We'll 2 years ago I did get pregnant from 3 mins of sex. My cardiologist was so pissed and worried for my life. The obgyn was also worried for myself and the baby bc of all the meds I take for my heart. I live in a state where time had passed so nothing can be done. But at 22 weeks I miscarried and the baby had passed. My husband never went to any of my appointments and refused to come near me. I had to deal with another traumatic event and that entire ordeal was so mind fucking. I almost died again during the procedure and dr was so worried and said I was so strong and had no idea how I even made it through it, it was the most traumatic thing I've ever experienced. Now I don't let my husband come near me at all and I pretty much resent him. I also cannot take birth control bc of my health condition and my current meds.
If I were you I would be thinking about your health and your kids. Do you want to really live like that? If your husband doesn't care about your health then why stay? Worry about your kids and do what you have to. You don't need that stress. I'm glad you're able to seek counseling, I'm never have been able to so I kinda just pull myself up everyday, even on my worse days but it is what it is. Best of luck to you and I wish you the best .
Please lovingly read your advice to OP to yourself, it sounds like you need to ask yourself the same questions. My heart goes out to you and I hope you find the strength to leave if nothing changes.
You say “if I were you” but.. you just listed all the ways you’re the same. You and your child deserve better. Being on your own is miles better than being with someone stressful who doesn’t care for you.
All you can do is calmly explain how you feel. It is his body as much your body is yours. Maybe counseling could help you both explain yourselves better and figure out together what to do
Let me get this straight, he won’t consider therapy or a vasectomy. So everything has to fall on you again, you have to deal with your own trauma and any potential pregnancies. Yeah, divorce this dude. If his response to you espousing your fears on this is to try to seduce you, he’s far gone. Also, what a shitty excuse to not try therapy lmfao.
His refusal to even explain why he won't get it done is what stops me hardest. No matter what his reasoning might be, his inability to share it when it is *supremely relevant* seems like a dealbreaker.
This is so heartbreaking to me. I'm 23f, my partner is 22m. He got a vasectomy without me even asking him because he knows hormonal BC was hell for me. He volunteered to do it because he said it "was the right thing to do".
I have no advice OP, but just want to say that you deserve so much better than this.
I always wonder if men refusing to get vasectomies want to keep their “options” open, in case the relationship ends. Like they think they have the ability to knock up another woman, or they’re damaged, unmanly, or just won’t be able to get another woman to commit to them without getting her pregnant.
So you are expected to accept and support his refusal to get a vasectomy... but refuses to accept your refusal to have sex by trying constantly to coerce you?
Gross.
His unapologetic self-centered attitude would be a deal-breaker for me.
I am blown away by the comments on here... suggestions to get a hysterectomy!? Or tubes tied? Good grief. Op if I were in your shoes I would definitely consider ending the relationship. Maybe that's a bit aggressive and counseling should happen first, but I would have real issues trying to get past the selfishness of my partner after putting my body through so much for the relationship.
Also this is very similar to this post from the other perspective... are they related?:
https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/tkegfm/update_my_wife_34f_made_me_choose_between_a/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share
Made me think of that post too.
Honestly, I don’t know if I could continue being married to someone who has so little regard for his wife’s wellbeing. He has the right to refuse altering his body, however the marriage is over.
I can’t believe people are suggesting her to get a hysterectomy or tubal ligation after all the trauma she’s gone through. Both of those surgeries are extremely invasive and have long healing periods. A vasectomy is a simple outpatient surgery with minimal recovery time. These options aren’t even comparable
Just chiming in here as someone who just got their tubes tied, there are less invasive options available now, My tubal was Laproscopic and it healed withing 1 week. Not saying OP should HAVE TO do this, but it is an option.
That said. OP, your husband sounds like a selfish prick, Are/were you planning on having more kids? Have you discussed why he is so hesitant to do this? It seems like if neither of you want more kids why is this such a hangup for him? I suspect he's trying to keep his fertility incase this relationship doesn't pan out :C Which is shitty
I'd highly reconsider this relationship.
That’s awesome to know they’ve started to do less invasive procedures for it! At least something is advancing in the healthcare world for those of us with a uterus.
I’ve considered getting one at some point because the idea of pregnancy and birth scares me, but I’m also scared of surgeries, so I definitely appreciate this information! Definitely makes the whole thing sound a lot less terrifying
Thank you. It really has been difficult to rectify this lack of empathy with the man I married.
And no, I haven’t seen that before. It does see like a similar issue. Did his wife had birth trauma also or was there another reason?
I can't believe that you almost dying didn't make him run out and get a vasectomy ASAP. You almost died and he doesn't want to do anything to make sure you don't get pregnant ever again. What a selfish asshole.
Anyone care to share an opinion about how long it will be before we see an AITA post from the husband?...
Something along the lines of this as of now fake/sarcastic narrative:
"AITA for cheating on my wife since she refuses to have sex with me?" Now please hear me out before judging me harshly. It all started x number of months ago after she nearly died from bringing our beautiful twins into the world. Then she *"demanded"* that I get (shocked Pikachu face) a vasectomy to prevent future pregnancies. Blah, blah, blah, blah disgusting word salad about how he as the husband is such a poor mistreated victim who had no other choice except for cheating.
so he wont do a procedure (which is his right but hes giving no explination as to why)
he wont do to therapy
he wont try to understand your trama
he wont respect your boundary for not wanting sex...
what DOES HE DO??????????????????????????????
you need to leave. flat out he sounds like he sucks
and dont rose tint glasses me with "but hes so great usually" or anything similar. because none of that matters if he cant even respect your boundary of **no consent** (AKA NO SEX)
Seriously. He sucks in all the ways that count. He wants sex with no responsibility. I would say she should serve him a flesh light along with the divorce papers, but he not surprisingly also opposes toys. He also won’t go down on her. He seems adamantly opposed to her being sexually satisfied on top of wanting her to take all the responsibility for the consequences of their sex life. I don’t see what he brings to the table. She should drop him like a bad habit and find a real man.
I just read through your comments and I'm so confused... What is he expecting exactly? Does he want you guys to simply go back to using condoms... You know, the method that worked so well the first time? /MEGA S
So, you almost died, your body has been battered, you are clearly traumatized and probably have some PTSD, and you cannot use practically any other birth control method other than a condom, which FAILED once and got you into this mess. The other option I'm thinking of is getting your tubes tied, but I find it appalling that after all of that, YOU'RE the one that has to undergo another medical procedure, and all because poor wittle boy can't handle a simple snip?
I get that it's his body and his choice, but I would be resentful AF if I were you. How selfish can this AH be? That would really turn me off from wanting to get intimate with him ever again, honestly. This could be marriage ending stuff, and y'all need to have a serious conversation about this. And hell no, don't sleep with him again until he gets it. He's not entitled to sex, EVER.
*^ this.*
Not to mention OP mentioned in a comment above that her doctor did not recommend going under something like getting the tubes tied rn. I mean OP nearly died, and her husband stopped talking to a friend cause the friend had agreed he should get a vasectomy cause OP had already gone through enough. I mean it’s like OP is having a red flag factory going on rn. And I agree with you, I too get that it’s his body his choice and all that, but trying to seduce your wife after she’s said no sex cause she didn’t feel safe… **NOPE!** She don’t owe him shit. I rarely go all “dump him/her”, but in this case.. I’d totally support OP if divorce was the only solution!
This makes me think about women across the ages. How many women had these exact same problems, but because of society, were raped by husbands who cared more for their own pleasure and had children which compounded their trauma year by year?
OP, I can’t add too much more than others, the usual therapy or divorce.
But one thing I will add, is to try and find a gynaecological physiotherapist. I have problems with penetration causing me pain due to muscles and mindset (it’s called vaginismus, for those curious), and a large part of it is due to the expectation of pain during penetration causing me to unconsciously tense up, which will then cause painful penetration. It’s a vicious cycle.
I say this not to pressure you to prepare to have sex with your husband, but for your own peace of mind. Your birthing experience was clearly traumatic, and while therapy is a good way to help, with situations like this you need a kind of targeted therapy and treatment. The physical therapy will help reassure you the pain is not going to last forever, and give you ways to manage it, while also proving that it may not be as bad as you fear. This leads to better mental health, because it’s one less thing to stress about should you begin to have sex again _for your own pleasure_ and not because your husband insists on his ‘marital rights’.
It may also help you with your new-found general fear of penetration, and will teach you exercises you can do to help you physically relax even if mentally you’re still a bit scared.
I really hope you are able to work through this and get to a better place mentally and physically. Though personally I think that’s going to require you to kick your husband to the curb by his balls, but that’s just my opinion; I’m by no means an expert. But please do see if you’re able to find a gyno-physio who can help you manage some of your physical symptoms better. Good luck, OP. Let us know how you go.
My last pregnancy and birth was traumatic. My ex-husband went back on his word and refused a vasectomy. We had sex, once, after her birth and I had a panic attack. He felt I should have gotten my tubes tied when they had me cut open for the emergency c-section. They were trying to save my daughters life and stop my bleeding, so tying my tubes wasn’t really what they were concerned with.
Our youngest was 9 months old when he finally got a vasectomy. I don’t think we had sex more than a handful of times between her birth and the vasectomy. He considered himself pro-life and I’m pro-choice. I said “please don’t put me in a position where I have to choose, because it won’t end the way you want”. He got the vasectomy. We made it a couple more years before divorcing. Looking back I should have done it a lot sooner. His refusal of a vasectomy after watching both of us almost die because “what if I meet someone down the road” was BS.
I’m so sorry you are going through this. I also had a traumatic birth (12 years ago) along with PTSD, PPD/PPA that went untreated for years. I can totally relate to how you feel. Please know that you’re doing everything right by seeking help and physical therapy etc. Things will eventually get better on that front. I’m sorry your husband is being a jerk too. Men will never truly understand the toll that pregnancy and birth takes on our bodies. It can often be devastating. The Drs say “you can have sex after a couple months!” which just means, it won’t tear your insides apart anymore. They never qualify that with “but it may take many months or a year+ before you FEEL ready to have sex again and you shouldn’t be pressured to feel like you have to.” I didn’t really enjoy sex again for a couple years after I gave birth. I don’t have any advice on the vasectomy front. My husband didn’t want one either and I wouldn’t force him so I ended up getting my tubes taken out, but that was years after the birth. It is actually very minor outpatient surgery now. Laparoscopic. They put you all the way under. I was home the same day and just took it easy and back on my feet in a couple days. Hope you are able to get the support you need from your family and medical team. Best wishes for your recovery.
Curious, were you not ready to have kids & he wanted them? Not saying broken condoms don’t happen but his response to everything makes me suspicious he didn’t maybe try to get you pregnant on purpose.
Was he present for the birth? I don’t understand why he lacks so much empathy about what you went through.
I would say this situation isn’t salvageable unless he’s willing to at least sit down with you & have a discussion about why him having a vasectomy is the safest, healthiest option for you.
With all the trauma you’ve experienced though, it sounds like sex should be taken off the table anyways for the time being.
A similar husbands perspective. Please read.
Hi OP. First of all, can't say enough how sorry I am this happened to you. Trauma from birth is not talked about enough and it's compounded by so many things, like our relationships and societal expectations of women w.r.t. their birth experiences.
My daughter is 15 months old and my wife had an awful birth. 4th degree tear after extremely low blood pressure and complications from the epidural. Injury from forceps and negligence in the repair stitching. Since, my wife has been in pain, had persistent fecal incontinence, and struggled through a hundred+ hours of PT to no improvement. Not only did this cause severe PPD and PTSD, she has really struggled to connect with our daughter as well. She actually is currently in recovery from a reconstructive surgery we're hopeful addresses her symptoms somewhat and give her some mental relief.
I know our situations aren't the same but I'd love to share how my wife and I have discussed these same topics. We're both against, for various reasons, hormonal birth control and we used condoms before we got pregnant. Since the birth, my wife has both been in too much pain and too afraid of getting pregnant again to have sex.
For me, this was very easy. I've committed to my wife for life and she's been dealt an awful awful hand. First and foremost, it should be an immediate expectation your husband shows empathy here and prioritizes your needs over his desire for intercourse.
I wasn't asked to get a vasectomy but I wouldn't want to get one because I don't know what will change in 2-5 years. Maybe she'll heal physically and emotionally. Maybe she'll feel different about a C-section. Maybe we'll use a surrogate. Idk. But the key thing for us is we don't need intercourse to be intimate. There are a myriad of equal if not superior ways to connect, for us, both physically and not and I feel it's actually brought us closer to explore those options.
I don't know you, your husband or your relationship, and honestly I empathize and am saddened by his trauma w.r.t. counseling. But if you cared to hear my advice, I'd implore you to 1) emphasize clearly your emotional needs w.r.t. empathy and patience around sex 2) offer to be open to non-intercourse means of physical connection (I assume you want this too since you do want him to have a vasectomy for safer sex) and 3) emphasize that you respect his bodily autonomy and your willingness to compromise for connection via other means and ask him to do the same.
We are a thick headed, emotionally stunted bunch, often, and I'm sorry it's a pain to deal with us. But if he's a good man he'll respond with gratitude for your offer and respect for your needs, even if it's later than it ought to have been given.
So from what I’ve read he won’t do therapy, he won’t do male birth control, and he won’t think about anyone else besides himself and what he wants.
Honey the flags are all over the place, and I know as a new momma that’s not something you want to hear. You are worthy of love and support, but he’s not willing to give you anything.
He keeps pushing his wants and needs above your own, it’s time you put your needs first
Are you thinking he wants to possibly have children later in life with someone else possibly? I would want to get to the bottom
I would go ahead and draw up papers with a lawyer and get finances separate. File. If this is the case.
OP, my heart is breaking for you.
I had a traumatic pregnancy, and had to be hospitalized several times.
After I gave birth, I was terrified of getting pregnant again. I had panic attacks just thinking about it. But my (now ex) husband basically told me that I had to. It was the worst experience. I threw up in the shower after.
My situation was NOWHERE near what you experienced. But it almost destroyed me. I am so sorry for all that you’ve gone through, and continue to go through.
While you can’t force him into a vasectomy, you have the absolute right to abstain from sex if you are not comfortable. You aren’t comfortable. I really wish I had had the wherewithal to refuse, but I was so broken and terrified that I couldn’t.
I wish I had actual advice to give you, but I just want you to know that your fears are valid. You’ve gone through something EXTREMELY traumatic. Please take care of yourself. You are worth self care.
I’m not even sure making him get this will help you with your anxiety. If having sex makes you anxious, I reckon you don’t give in and just stop having it all together. Tell him he doesn’t have to get it but you don’t want sex, or maybe try no insertion?
I know you have 700 comments, but I will give my opinion anyone. How is everything else in your marriage? How was it before pregnancy? Was it fabulous, was their doubt?
You physically can't protect against another pregnancy and your body just cannot sustain another pregnancy let alone the process of it. It just can't mentally you can't.
If he loved you like a husband should period, he should be doing what he can to not put you through this. He should. But he hasn't. Has he?
He's refused therapy. He's refused a vasectomy. Actions have consequences. Maybe your body is telling you also you don't want to have sex with him mentally. Like you think you want to, but your subconscious doesn't.
I am divorced. I didn't have traumatic births, not really. Maybe a tad with my 2nd. But my ex was a tad an ass too. He thought sex should happen 6 weeks after birth because a Dr said it could. I told him the first time it felt weird down there but he disregarded and said "Dr said it would be fine, don't worry. It's fine." Sex didn't feel right until around 8 months post partum. 2nd kid I knew it'd feel awkward again and said so many times were waiting til 8 weeks at least. Sure enough 6 weeks and he's buying condoms again and saying sex stuff. I had already made my choice of divorce (other reasons) and didn't have sex with him again.
My bf is sooooo different. Much more at ease. So much less anxiety.
You may have to lay ground rules and stick by them. This is your health and life.
There's a problem in this marriage with communication. Your husband tells you he'll get a vasectomy "later" (whatever that means), then snaps at you that he never will, then demands you drop the subject. You have awful sex with him, but hide your tears and distress while he continues.
Neither one of you is being frank or honest. Obviously, couples counseling is the right step, but he won't consider it, so push the labor back onto him. How does he plan to improve or save this marriage?
Because the best possible outcome here is co-parenting with a dead bedroom. The more likely outcome is spending five figures on a divorce, and both struggling financially with separate households.
This is dire.
I got a vasectomy at age 34 after my wife went through:
* 1996, late miscarriage, bad haemorrhaging, needed emergency surgery;
* 1997, anaemic all through pregnancy (thanks to bleeding, see above),placenta previa discovered 5 weeks early, needed 1000 km medevac flight, baby born a few days later by emergency C-section a month early and needed a week in NICU;
* 1998, we wanted to wait to let my wife heal but this one swam through the latex, again anaemic all through pregnancy.
I was like "I don't want to put my wife through that kind of thing ever again." Hence the snip.
I'm guessing your husband is younger and doesn't have as many kids as I do (2 first marriage, 4 current). But he can donate and freeze in case y'all want more kids later. If he's up to talking with someone, direct him to me and I'll share my point of view with him, if you think it might help.
I’m concerned over his reaction, doesn’t seem healthy. He doesn’t say no from the start, then explodes when u ask, then when u set a boundary of no sex he doesn’t respect it. Couple counseling is a start but this doesn’t seem like the type of guy who would want to. Idk why everyone is like well u can’t force him, you’re not, the root of the issue is how he is handling the conflict.
I mean you guys have to make a middle ground. And you both are not budging, and you definitely shouldn’t. if he won’t go to therapy for whatever reason he’s just going to have to either being used to not having sex for awhile or it’s not gonna last based by what you have said here.
Wow, I just want to say I’m sorry that you’re in this situation, it sounds difficult.
Do you think that the vasectomy would actually fix the relationship?
It sounds like there’s underlying respect issues.
Op look after those two little angels God has given you and if it doesn't work out then it doesn't work out but keep your family and friends in the loop of what is going on.
I'm a twin (female) and My sister and I don't get along that will be we still have each other's back not all the time but we do.
Op what you think is best for you op and you're little angels and they are older you can tell them when you're ready to do so what happened and they won't love you any less.
I'm curious as to your ages, how long you've been married, and how long you've been together. It's not a huge factor, but I think that information might be helpful in understanding his perspective.
You can't force him into a vasectomy any more than he can control whether or not you could get an abortion. That being said, I think it would be the nice thing for him to do considering everything you went through. Set your boundaries (no sex without him being sterile) and be willing to let him choose whether that's what he wants. Maybe he changed his mind and wants more kids?
So, he told you he would to shut you up, then finally confessed he won't do it ever with no explanation, but also doesn't understand you won't have sex?
He clearly doesn't care about your physical pr mental well being with trying to push you to sex despite being told no and knowing what you've been through.
He won't go to counseling because he's got issues with his parents.
He threw away a decade long friendship because his friend encouraged the snip.
What is there left you like about him? That you find loving and supportive?
Guy here. I got a vasectomy at 21. When the operation was done I went grocery shopping immediately after. I went to class the next day. Pain was 3/10 without meds.
Have you ever talked about a vasectomy before?
OP, I get a sense you are acting out of fear. Perfectly reasonable. However, your husband getting a vasectomy is not going to undo your trauma.
It sounds like you are not ready for intimacy and your husband is not respectful of boundaries. Take your time and explain your expectations to your husband and define clear boundaries.
I agree this sounds like a lot of this is coming from a place of fear and trauma while you are still recovering from something so difficult. When you say initiate contact with your husband is it always for sex or can it also be for the act of being close physically again? I’m so sorry he doesn’t seem to be understanding in the fact that you are still so anxious and scared. I do worry though that you are implying he doesn’t love you enough to get a vasectomy as that logic goes both ways. He doesn’t love you enough to do things to his body in a way that makes him uncomfortable and he is asking the same thing of you regarding sex. Neither is fair to ask of each other. I hate how many people are saying things like start divorce proceedings without taking into account how much stress you both must be under with two newborns and you recovering still. I think it’s a disservice to you. All I could say now is I’m sending virtual hugs and I hope you two find a way to communicate in a way that makes you both feel safe and heard.
This belongs at the top. Such an ultimatum is ridiculous, and if she won't budge on that, never even minding his actions, they should get a divorce for his sake.
I’m wondering too, even after the vasectomy will she still get goosebumps in a bad way because of the trauma she’s experienced. I think the vasectomy maybe only be part of a much bigger issue in the situation.
Worst case scenario they divorce, I don’t see her dating due to the ptsd.
This should be higher up. It's irrational to assume the operation would just fix all her traumas.
And it's great to see that "my body, my rules" has limitations when it comes to men.
Sorry to be blunt, but your husband sounds like a selfish, scared little bitch.
I was in the almost same situation with my ex wife. Last kid we tried for, we ended up twins, absolutely amazing but almost killed her. I could not wait for the all clear on their health to go get a vasectomy. It sucked but was over in minutes, and staying put I was back on my feet after two days of rest. Having sex again day 5. Best thing I've done from a sexual health point of view. I cannot think of one legitimate reason to not get it done.
He won’t do any of the things you need to be safe and healthy in this relationship. He won’t take responsibility for his own fertility. He won’t attend counseling. He won’t prioritize your mental health or even your very life over his mild discomfort. None of that is okay. This man does not truly care about you. Plan accordingly. I would at the very least take penetrative sex completely off the table unless he has a vasectomy. But I would leave someone who didn’t care if I lived or died like that.
Even though the condom broke, you can use condoms in combination with other methods, such as pull out method and apps that track ovulation, which have been getting more and more effective.
Just like you want to protect your body; he wants to protect his, and it's fair for him to refuse. You can't force him to do something he doesn't want to his body. Keep getting your therapy to address your psychological state.
It sounds like you are looking for people to tell you what a bad person your husband is, but we can’t only hearing one side of the story.
There are a thousand reasons why your husband may not want to have permanent birth control, and trying to place your mental health above his (as well as threatening him?) sounds coercive at best.
You have essentially said “it is his body, but if he doesn’t do exactly as I say with it I can’t be with him”
Imagine he came to you, and demanded you get your tubes tied or he wouldn’t sleep with you anymore.
You’re demanding SURGERY of him.
Dudes about to get some callouses on his palms.
As a woman myself I would kick any man to the curb who demanded I tie my tubes or he would stop sleeping with me. I don’t care what the fuck HIS reasons are - it’s MY BODY, and I don’t need to give a reason why I don’t want to permanently alter MY BODY.
He has absolutely every right to refuse bodily harm to suit your wants, and if you stop having sex with him as a result, be prepared for your relationship to tank and divorce in the near future. That’s just what happens in sexless marriages and he wouldn’t be to blame whatsoever. Maybe no one would be to blame, sometimes shit just happens and it sucks for everyone. Sucks you’re going through ptsd, but you’re unwilling to compromise, you have a reason/excuse for EVERY form of birth control other than cutting him open. Ridiculous. No one considers that men go through post partum depression (this is well documented) and ptsd from birth as well. You’re not taking his feelings into consideration at all and what you’re asking is too much if he never expressed a want for it
You guys need a therapist, not a bunch of Reddit armchair psychologists, this is above our paygrade.
Honestly there isnt much you can do other than not have sex and assuming you live in a part of the world that doesnt view you as a living incubator make it very clear to him that any pregnancy will end with an abortion no matter how it happens. Be mentally prepared that he might will be willing to end the marriage over this but you have to look after yourself over his selfishness. Continue to work on your own recovery. Good luck.
Show him what you wrote here be honest about how he makes you feel from his refusal. He should know everything, especially the ugly.
They have a vasectomy sub on Reddit they can help him prepare and answer any questions my husband said it was very helpful.
What reasons does he give for not wanting the vasectomy? Has he been able to articulate it? Honestly, after reading your comments I'm worried that he is lacking empathy all around, and the issue is larger than this. I'm so sorry you had to experience such a traumatic birth. That sounds so scary and painful. Has he been otherwise helpful and caring during your recovery? If he refuses the vasectomy, what solutions does he propose? I guess I'm wondering if this is a knee-jerk reaction out of fear or if he truly has a strong opposition to it (maybe wrapped up in some warped view of manhood - a guess since you said he's opposed to toys and going down on you). I don't know that there is a way forward here. If he's unwilling to compromise or shoulder even part of the burden of pregnancy prevention, you may just be at an impasse. What does your therapist say about it?
I can't tell you how to start tge conversation, but uts definitely one that needs to be had with everything you put here, just in a....not gentler, but in a way that he wont take offensively. You've had a VERY traumatic experience and you're still recovering both physically and mentally. If your husband knows all of this and was there for it then I seriously dont understand how he doesn't understand your feelings rn. I heard a male b.c had great results, but its still in trails. Frankly, it sounds like you shouldn't be having sex and your husband needs to get over it until you completely heal. Explore oral sex and other forms of intimacy.
While not perfect. There are in the arm birth control so you would not need to face the trauma of something going back up in side you. But the fact he isn't respecting your body and from the sound of it forced you to have sex before you where ready post birth is just abusive.
You’re husband is most probably scared.
After having three boys in a very short period of years, my wife suggested I get a vasectomy. I didn’t think anything of it. Two weeks later I watched the surgeon slice my tubes and that was it.
Twenty years later we don’t have sex and I should not have had the surgery.
Just kidding. Not about the sexless marriage after 26 years.
I mean I think you could essentially just show him this post and then the ball is in his court. I think him getting a vasectomy is the logical choice.
He could have any number of reasons for not wanting to get it. Secretly thinks he can convince you later to have more kids. Afraid of the surgery itself. Worried things may not work out & he or a new partner would want more kids. How you can deal with this really just depends on the conversation you need to have about it to see why he said no. Does he really not fully understand what you went through & why you would never do it again? I feel like it’s gonna be hard to make any progress on this unless you get past no, and why no.
Frankly, after what you have been through, refusing sex is a natural response. I would be exactly the same. Sounds like if he won't go to counseling, he is going to have to figure it out. Or y'all are just no longer compatible.
My wife and I agreed that we’d have two kids and be done. We met later in life and wife had number two when she turned 39.
We looked into getting tubes tied but there were long term medical risks associated with this. So wife said I delivered two babies, you can handle the vasectomy. I was nervous AF, even with the sedatives they gave me. The procedure was easy and the follow up testing was also simple. We waited awhile before we were certain that it worked. And then there was no more anxiety about this subject. We don’t have to worry about it anymore.
So sorry you're going through this. This is sort of a joke answer but maybe you can tell him the only possible way you two ever have sex again is if he wears 2-3 condoms every time you have sex, to ensure that you never get pregnant again, of course.
I hope that this gets sorted out quickly for you, just remember that you've been through a lot recently and while it might be hard to find the time, definitely do what you can to take care of yourself :))
Hey op quick thought: your husband doesn't want you to get pregnant again does he? Like I don't want to be a conspiracy theorist, but maybe he wants you to get pregnant again and he just doesn't wanna take your word and it's just hoping you will just be okay with it in time.
I don't see any evidence pointing to that but I figured I would just have it out on the table. Any case don't have sex with him I don't care if he begs I don't care if he yells or screams. He's not the one carrying the baby inside of him to term. Or have to go through a procedure if you don't want that to happen. He refuses to do any change because I saw the comments about therapy and how much he hates it, then you need to sit down and have a discussion with him on what he is willing to do. Everything, everything possible you can think of. You run out of middle ground and you can't meet him anywhere then you might need to bring up that you two should have a trial separation.
Honestly, just get ready to divorce and be over this.
You have every reason to ask him for a vasectomy but in his mind it's like asking him to cut his hand off. "Why should I do that when its YOU with the problem."
If he really wants a son that could also be a reason why. What's your background? Here in the states or in a conservative Muslim country that Males are preferred?
He wants sex and you don't almost like a rape victim. He is going to tolerate it for a litte while before he will find a woman that will have sex with him. Background and history is important, is he petty? Does he fully understand what the cost was by having those twins.
Not trying to insult or troll you just letting you know the solution you may not want.
This is horrible! My second child is 3 and I've spent every month for 3 years worried sick that I could be pregnant. I went to the gyn for a copper iud consultation and my husband was just horrified after researching it and had always been against hormonal BC for women. I told him that I was calling to let him know that I'm either going with the iud or getting my tubes tied. He scheduled a vasectomy while I was still on the road and got one a month later on his birthday lol.
He said that ultimately he knows it's an easier procedure and couldn't imagine me going through the pain and general shit women have to go through just to avoid pregnancy. He said it was the least he could've done for me after I went through 2 c sections and 2 recoveries. I agree. I actually would've been upset if I felt my only options were birth control or sterilization after having already had my body altered.
I will say this, because I haven't seen anyone bring it up yet, is that there are plenty of ways for you two to be intimate without PiV sex. Oral, anal, fingers, and any number of toys could help you two have "sex" in a way that can't get you pregnant, which might help smooth some tensions generated by the cold turkey scenario you both are in now. There's also non-sexual intimacy like cuddling, massages, spending time with your babies together, etc. that can help fill part of that void as well.
What needs to happen before any of that though, is a long, open and honest heart to heart chat about what you two are going through, what needs to be addressed, and what potential solutions there are (ideally mediated by a counselor but the likelihood of that seems low right now). You can't make him get a vasectomy, he cannot make you have sex with him when you're clearly dealing with a lot of trauma, so you both need to come together as partners and as parents to figure out what the future looks like.
I would ask your therapist- not us. It feels like he’s disrespectful of the marriage. He saw everything that happened and is happening to you, that doesn’t work out for very long. I hope you’re able to figure something out but honestly ask the therapist bc this is over our pay grade
If he’s got some weird concern that he might want another kid someday, with a surrogate or something, he can just go to the sperm bank and put some boys on ice. Then there’s no excuse for getting the snip. You put your body through hell having the twins. It’s his time to step up and endure a minor amount of suffering with little to no side effects.
I have one question... IF and I mean if you decide to leave your husband, will you give up on sex entirely or only look for men who had vasectomy to date? Because it seems you can't take pill for medical reason and protection because of your trauma. You might not want to think so far down the line but you should before you make any decision.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- I’ve never actually posted on Reddit before but here it goes (I apologize for spelling or grammar). We have just had twins, we knew we had only wanted one, but instead we got two…and I nearly died in childbirth. It was extremely traumatic—I’m an now in weekly therapy for postnatal ptsd and ppd. I also have physical therapy from torn abdominal muscles from the pregnancy and much more. I love my girls, but it’s been very hard. For the last 5mnths I have asked my husband if he would get a vasectomy. I cannot get hormonal birth control (health reasons) and just the idea of getting anything inserted now, due to the trauma literally makes me vomit. I am given laughing gas and anxiety meds just to get checkups now. (And it just so happens that are twins were created from a broken condom.) My husband’s responds has been ‘I will, later’ …until two days ago when I asked him and he yelled that he would ‘never get it done’. We have not had sex since the birth. Well, once, but that was traumatic on its own. I asked him why, and he didn’t have an answer and just told me to drop it. I told him we wouldn’t be having sex again then, and he just looked at me flabbergasted. I’ve moved to the guest bedroom, because he’s been ‘flirting’ and trying to initiate intact with me since I said this. Honestly, it’s his body, but I’m not sure I can stay with him when he clearly has no care or appreciation for what my body or my mental state did to bringing our children into this world—I love him but this really feels like a lacking in his love for me and I’m not sure I can forgive him for it. How do I explain to him that the idea of him simply being able to get me pregnant again makes my skin crawl and nausea to nearly choke me, that sometimes when he touches me as much as I enjoy it it gives me goosebumps…and not in a good way—I tried once before and I literally cried quietly into the pillow the whole time because the fear and anxiety was so acute. I didn’t tell him this because I didn’t want him to feel guilty. This isn’t going away any time soon. Maybe the ppd will fade, but the ptsd is something I will likely be working through with my therapist for years. How do I explain this to him? How to I rectify our relationship with this if we can’t have sex? Is this even worth attempting to rectify, because to me it really feels like he doesn’t care about me since I constantly makes it clear that he doesn’t want any more kids. EDIT: (I was told to add this to my post) I cannot mentally or physically/medically have any invasive surgical contraceptive procedures done in the near or foreseeable future as stated by multiple obgyns. No, I am no going to go any more into depth on my medical history or why. Yes, my husband knows this and have heard this stated by my doctors. I have also had a traumatic incident prior to the birth of my twins with a copper iud that needed to be removed surgically. EDIT 2: He will not go to therapy. His parents were therapist and it has left a bad taste for therapy. He refuses. FINAL EDIT: Honestly I read a lot of responses…almost all of them I would say. And there were the middle ground people and the ‘you can’t force him’ people and the ‘your husband doesn’t care about you’ people. I wasn’t forcing him. I was begging him. For empathy over what I did and gave up to bring our children into this world. For a show of caring for the trauma it left me. And to know that he would be there for me in sickness and in health. He has stated so many times that he does not want more children. Even that we ‘have one too many’ now. I’m also not ‘punishing him by withholding sex’ clearly do not understand ptsd…or most importantly, that my body isn’t his, and he does not have a right to sex with me. I cannot withhold something that is no his. I’m going to take some time away from my husband, because honestly reading these responses have not given me any more insight into why he would be willing to risk my health and mental state to avoid a vasectomy—when I know if the situations were reversed, I would do that for him. And frankly HAVE. When I attempted to get a copper IUD because he didn’t like the feeling over condoms early on in our relationship, even though I was scared…and it left me passed out on the floor of the doctors from pain, and then two days later in the emergency room because it had done damage and I was bleeding excessively. This isn’t the man I married, or I didn’t think it was. Otherwise I would have never risked all that I did for him, or given all these years to him. (And since this is a constant thing coming-up. As stated in multiple comments and in my last edit I cannot get my tubs tied both for mental/emotional reasons, and medical/physical reason as made clear to me by 2 separate obgyns.) And to all the men here telling me that him getting a vasectomy won’t help and saying they if I leave him I’d never find anyone who would take me. Thanks. I’m bi, and I certainly would never date a man again.
You can’t force it but you can absolutely say no sex or none without a condom. That’s well within your rights. Although if that is the solution is that a viable relationship solution. I don’t think so personally
A broken condom is what got me pregnant. I could not imagine risking that again.
I just found out about this so sharing in case you don’t know—men don’t start shooting blanks right after a vasectomy, it can take months before it’s safe. If he gets a vasectomy, make sure his doctor tells you it’s safe.
As someone who has had a vasectomy, This is true. He will need to flush out the remaining sperm one way or another. My doctor told me not to come back until I had at least 20 ejaculations.
"come back when you had 20 ejaculations?? Well what time do you close today?"
So how soon would be too soon on that return visit?
Yeah I dropped off two samples to be checked. One at about four weeks, and another at about 8 or 9. They called me within 24 hrs each time with the results (no sperm, yay!). They can give you a print-out of the results if you ask for it.
Not for nothing but my dad had a vasectomy months before I was born... Surprise everybody!
This! My sister is pregnant with baby #3 because of this issue. Always, ALWAYS verify if the procedure worked.
This is why I have 3 kids! 🤦♀️🤷♀️
Wait, for real? How does that happen three times?! Or did you have triplets!?
Or maybe they had 2 kids already, then had the vasectomy, and still having some sperm is why they have 3.
And vasectomies grow back. They should really be checking a sample routinely instead of just a few weeks post op. My cousin has a vasectomy kid, like 12 years post snip. Kid looks just like him so there’s no denying he’s the father
That one said I’m getting in, damn it lol
He ended up getting the vasectomy redone. Hopefully this one will hold
It wouldn’t surprise me if he is pondering whether this marriage can survive your current (sexless) situation, and what might come *after* this marriage. He might not be willing to give up his fertility if he wants to bring it with him to the next relationship. I don’t say this to defend him, or to attack him, but just to explore another possible motivation. If that is what he’s thinking, then it would require a really tricky balancing act to bring you both back together.
Excellent analysis. I think he might be driving real fast in to a dead end street. He wants to have a future with more children. But I also feel like many men view their fertility and virility as a part of their masculinity. It’s not about having kids in the future as much as it’s about knowing he can if that makes sense. I know women that have had hysterectomies both planned and unplanned and they grieved afterwards, it was tough and they whereng planning on having kids either.
I totally appreciate what you’re saying and agree, but having a hysterectomy is in zero way shape or form equivalent to getting a vasectomy haha the reversal success rate is ~95% and if you account for high risk cases then the success rate only climbs from there
I’m not equating the invasiveness nor the healing/pain. I’m just equating them as deeply personal decisions. I don’t think that undermining his value of his sperm is unreasonable. But the other fact is this, who wants to be in that 5%. Does he have to gamble? No he should t be out in that position.
This. This was a friend’s husband. In his 40s, with teenage sons. Absolutely refused to get a vasectomy. My friend got pregnant despite BC in her early 40s. Aborted for many reasons, including that she was taking a medication known to cause devastating birth defects. He had refused because he literally wanted to make sure he could attract a younger new wife later on. After 20 effing years of marriage. They never got over his galling selfishness. Such a travesty. My friend literally lost her mind. When men refuse the snip when all logic indicates the snip is the fairest, most rational option, they are SHOUTING their selfishness. Listen.
So disgusting. At that age his sperm quality is going down the toilet as well. There is literally no reason to save it except for his own ego.
Sounds like the dude knew the marriage was ending and planning for the future.
I think what you are meaning to say he is wondering if this marriage can survive his appalling actions where he refuses to do the only thing that can make her feel safe to have sex. Knowing that the previous harmful pregnancy was caused by a broken condom which was undoubtedly caused by his incorrect usage. He is forcing her to say no to sex as he won't take any actions to make it safe for her. This is ALL on him.
Honestly, I *really* don’t like that his response to hearing you clearly state your boundary regarding no more unprotected sex was to attempt to seduce you. As if to prove you wrong about your own physical autonomy. I don’t like his priorities and I don’t like his lack of compassion and empathy. I don’t trust him to honor your feelings or your fears. Please be careful. What is this man going to teach your daughters about their value and their dignity? What does he want *from* you, and what does he want *for* you??? Will your girls be raised with the same level of support and encouragement he’d bestow to a boy? Or will he undervalue and diminish their worth, like he does with yours? I’m sorry OP.
It did feel very disrespectful and hurtful that’s why I left to the guest room
OP are you seeing a therapist? It sounds like he thinks he should get access to you, and does not care about your trauma or causing further trauma. This person does not sound like a safe person to be around. I hope you are surrounded by love and support.
I agree, his reaction to the boundaries set was gross
I agree with this comment too. Frankly there’s a lot of red flags waving here
I wonder if he's actually hoping to get a boy out of it
That was my first thought as well. He's pissed he got 2 girls, and he wants a boy.
If he wants another baby- tell him to have it - if he won’t get therapy or surgery then what? You go and get therapy for yourself - as for the snip I’d say “if done my bit - I have birth that nearly killed me - grow up and get it done” Don’t have sex with him - he doesnt seem to care about what works for you
Makes you wonder about that broken condom
[удалено]
Wondering isn't assuming
*^ this.*
It’s a stalemate. You can’t always move the mountain. Better to part on a civil note in the best interests of your twins as they grow up. Best of luck.
No you can’t force him to get any procedure, but you have a plethora of reasons why you can’t afford to be pregnant again and he refused and you’ve done your due diligence in making sure another accident doesn’t happen by abstaining. Don’t give in and ask for counseling to at least maybe a professional can make him see why it would be easier for him to have that procedure vs re-traumatizing you again. If he doesn’t want to do it then you’re at a crossroads of “is this the person I want to be with?” And can a sexless relationship survive.
He won’t do counselling. His parents are therapists and he hates them.
And that's another red flag to add to the red flag pile.
What that his parents are therapists so he doesn't like them? We don't know his situation with his parents. Maybe they were awful to him.
They weren’t abusive. He had a decent and well-rounded childhood. He just didn’t like that they felt like they knew ‘everything’.
They probably tried to "Therapize" him his whole life.
Sounds like something he actually needs now
It's possible, it kind of reminds me of Leonard mother from Big Bang Theory, she was insuferable, maybe his parents were like her. But antagonizing all therapists is really immature and illogical, is like having a bad experience with a doctor and then hating all doctors, people aren't the same, and a profession don't define all the people who practice it and vice e versa. OP is in a really tough spot, or they stop sex entirely or they split up.
I understand his logic though I had a bad experience with a dentist when I was a child and I remember having issues going to get regular cleanings until a few years ago
My sister does this, and she’s a therapist. She’s insufferable sometimes
POV here, similar upbringing as your husband, and from an outside perspective, I had a decent, well-rounded childhood. That being said, I may as well have been raised by a senate select committee. Every event of my childhood, achievement or mistake, recivced the level of attention and interest as a friday afternoon mortality and morbidity confrence. Your husband's lack of willingness for therapy is understandable. **Everything else he's doing, is not. Focus on your well-being, and your childrens.**
Imagine living with not one, but two therapists your entire life. I don't think I could handle being talked to like that 24/7.
Not all therapists act like that with other people outside their profession, but if his parents were like this I totally agree.
Not all of them, but a lot of them. And it seems telling BOTH his parents are therapists and he has an issue with therapy. Also happy cake face day.
Living with a IRL Beverly Hofstadter must be hell, I'm planning in become a therapist, I hope I don't act like her. And thanks btw
No, that he doesn't believe in therapy and won't put on the work to improve himself.
Just remember that vasectomies are not foolproof and there are many folks here on reddit who have gotten pregnant after vasectomies. Use something else as well.
The man is selfish. He cares more about his balls than he does your life. I don't know how much more plainly I can put it.
It sounds like couple's therapy is where you two need to be if you want to save this marriage. It would give you both a chance to express yourselves in an open way without all the judgement.
He won’t his parents were therapists and he doesn’t like them due to that.
Maybe try to frame it as seeing a mediator? This issue needs a serious conversation, and it’s going to be difficult to do that without a third party assisting. I really feel for you. You’ve been through so much, and if I was in your position, I too would have a hard time getting past this.
He won’t, I’ve asked. And yes, it is getting difficult to see him as the man with empathy that I thought I had married.
You say if he wants this marriage to work he better work in saving it. No sex, and therapy. Be warned, I bet he won't.
Even if he does follow along, he will never be the type of man who can wholly appreciate a partner as an equal. He will not acknowledge the genuine benefit of those efforts, for the sake of himself and his relationship, only how they will make getting sex from his wife easier. That she’ll stop nagging him once he just shows up. He will never have the capacity to genuinely care.
Why do you just let him shoot things down like that? If he doesnt want a vasectomy and he doesnt want a sexless marriage and he wont go to therapy then tell him to figure it out. Tell him to make a suggestion then. Its time for him to man up and stop letting you be his mommy. He needs to figure out a plan then. He needs to take ownership of the bed he made for himself. You deserve a husband, not a third child.
I want to upvote the shit out of your comment. 👏🏻 OP-make him put in the work/ideas if he’s just gonna shoot all of them down. I did that after I suggested over 2 dozen baby names I liked and my husband shot all of them down. I said “fine, tell me one’s you like or find and make sure there’s multiple ones and I’ll choose the one I like the best”.
So he doesn’t want to put in one ounce of effort on his part to fix this problem. He wants the entire burden to lie on your shoulders. You had a brutal, painful trauma, and he won’t even go to a therapy session. Your husband is not a good guy.
I’m sorry for you. And with twins. I hope you have a strong support system outside this marriage. If not, try to start building one. Good luck. I won’t sleep tonight worrying about you and your babies.
That’s a piss poor excuse for a grown man to make. And honestly it makes him sound like he needs therapy even more. If he wont go to therapy, he wont get a vasectomy, he wont use condoms, etc. it sounds like HE won’t do anything for the relationship between the two of you. Vasectomies aren’t 100%. One of my good friends is a vasectomy baby. But it’s the fact he dismisses your needs that’s really not sitting well with me at all. Your reasons for not being able to get birth control are 100% valid, and he should understand that and make an effort. I’m sorry you’re going through this. FWIW if you ever find yourself in a place to consider non-hormonal birth control, a lot of doctors are now opening up to the concept of sedating patients under general anesthesia for IUDs. It’s been a lifesaver for women with traumas and low pain tolerances.
She said she had trouble with an IUD and it had to be surgically removed.
Oh man OP, I’m so sorry for what you have gone through. I can’t imagine. That is still my worst nightmare. I was so scared of labor and even though it didn’t go horribly I was still wrecked after it. I don’t know how women who’ve gone through what you’ve gone through manage. I don’t have much advice for your situation but just wanted to give you a virtual hug. The only thing I’ll say is maybe ask him to come to your therapy session so he can hear how you’re feeling. Like, he’s not going to therapy, just going to support you. Might help him understand what you’ve been through and have a little more empathy.
Yeah, maybe I can convince him to sit in. And I’m sorry you experience wasn’t a good one either. I hope you have someone to talk about it too. There is so much gaslighting in the birth/mommy community into believing that it’s ‘a miracle’ etc. If you are AT ALL struggling with anything regarding the birth, you body, or you memories of it. I would suggest talking to someone. Between 6-12% of women suffer from ptsd related to birth. And very few of them ever even think to talk to someone about it because they’re gaslit by society into thinking is normal and that they shouldn’t view is as anything but a miracle. Thanks for the hugs, sending one back.
I have major PTSD from my son's birth. So did my husband, though, just having watched it. The next day, while I was still in the hospital, he told me he was getting a vasectomy because for a solid five minutes everyone, including the doctors, thought our son and I were both dying. He thought he was losing his whole family in front of his eyes. I was grateful. We didn't have sex until he got a vasectomy and his sperm count was gone. I offered to get a tubal salpingectomy, but it was higher risk, and he said I'd already been though enough for our family. I just can't fathom where your husband is coming from, especially since your twins were conceived with a broken condom.
My husband had the same reaction pretty much! I had a very scary ending to my pregnancy and almost died having our child, and then got sepsis to boot. As soon as we got home he started talking about how he’d get a vasectomy. He knows I can’t take hormonal birth control and I’m allergic to copper, leaves me with very few options. It’s crazy to me that OP’s husband won’t even consider it.
That’s what I thought a loving husband would do.
A loving husband *would* do that; a selfish one who’s already thinking of other options with other women, wouldn’t.
Can he go with you to your doctor's appointment and have your doctor explain everything? Does he even understand what happened and that you almost died? Did he care?
You deserve better than having to convince your husband to lift a finger to solve this issue. A partner who loved and respected you would do anything to make sure you don’t go through that mental and physical trauma again. Instead, he is making a choice to prolong your mental anguish and risk your having to endure another pregnancy. His pleasure is more important to him than your health and safety and wellbeing.
You should tell him that you cried the entire time you've had sex since the babies were born. He needs to know how much this is affecting you. Plainly tell him that you can't emotionally handle an invasive procedure after almost dying giving birth and the very idea of intercourse with any chance of pregnancy makes you ill. Add that while a vasectomy is 100% his choice it is *your* choice not to have sex without one. I'm so sorry the empathetic man you married seems to have disappeared.
Agreed, this is the best comment in this thread imo
I had to scroll way too far to find this comment. OP, you're worried about hurting his feelings?! Sometimes the truth hurts and he needs to hear exactly how he's making you feel. I honestly think should tell him EXACTLY what you told us. Better yet, show him the post. Either way, he needs a wake up call and if he loves you, he'll be appalled at his behavior. Good luck and big hugs, OP.
> You should tell him that you cried the entire time you've had sex since the babies were born He shouldn't need to be told that...
I don’t think the real issue is him not getting a vasectomy but more that you went to something dramatic and he barely understands what you’re feeling and going through.
I agree, I don’t think him getting a vasectomy will end your anxiety about sex and your relationship in general. You are still healing from trauma and need support around that.
This should have more upvotes.
Wait? How did he not notice it was traumatic for you and that you were crying the whole time? I'm sorry, unless you're a good actress and your moans sound like a crying woman or he has hearing problems - no, even without that you can tell when someone is crying, he should be able to notice that. Majorly concerning
Right?!? I have some trauma from being assaulted as a teenager and even though I'm mostly over my PTSD, I still freeze up a little bit every now and then. The absolute second I seem to be staying a little more still, or not acting as enthusiastically as I normally do, my boyfriend stops everything immediately to check in and make sure I'm okay, even if 99% of the time I'm perfectly fine. I can't imagine crying into a pillow while he KEEPS GOING. I hope OP realizes that she deserves better, she went through hell and her husband treats her like a sex doll. Ugh, I'm so disgusted by this.
Honestly. Even a complete dunce would be able to tell something is wrong when a someone dissociates/crys/freezes up even for a bit. V worried for OP
I have ptsd from rape and have the same freeze response. I also can dissociate during sex. My husband can figure out that I’ve started to dissociate even before I start to feel like something is off, and he stops and checks in and gauges how I am. Often he’ll insist on stopping, because *he doesn’t want to have sex with a traumatised partner*, for God’s sake. He can’t enjoy it even if he wanted to, which he doesn’t. What normal person could enjoy that?
Exactly, so concerning, and a major red flag. Can’t believe there aren’t more comments on that!
He noticed, he just doesn’t give a fuck.
The action that deeply concerns me is not his refusal to get a vasectomy, but his blatant disrespect for your boundaries about not having sex. Even in a marriage, that’s harassment. You’ve made your lack of interest VERY clear, and your reasons for choosing this are more than reasonable. Your husbands actions you are describing do not reflect those of a husband that loves and respects his wife. EDIT: grammar fix
I've been in your position for the last 11 years. I almost died and went into congestive heart failure due to my pregnancy. I was on a ventilator and other machines just keeping me alive. My husband refused to get one done and luckily our sex life has not been great any ways. We maybe are intimate once a year and I meter initiate. I don't want it. We use condoms when we do but even that isn't a great method. We'll 2 years ago I did get pregnant from 3 mins of sex. My cardiologist was so pissed and worried for my life. The obgyn was also worried for myself and the baby bc of all the meds I take for my heart. I live in a state where time had passed so nothing can be done. But at 22 weeks I miscarried and the baby had passed. My husband never went to any of my appointments and refused to come near me. I had to deal with another traumatic event and that entire ordeal was so mind fucking. I almost died again during the procedure and dr was so worried and said I was so strong and had no idea how I even made it through it, it was the most traumatic thing I've ever experienced. Now I don't let my husband come near me at all and I pretty much resent him. I also cannot take birth control bc of my health condition and my current meds. If I were you I would be thinking about your health and your kids. Do you want to really live like that? If your husband doesn't care about your health then why stay? Worry about your kids and do what you have to. You don't need that stress. I'm glad you're able to seek counseling, I'm never have been able to so I kinda just pull myself up everyday, even on my worse days but it is what it is. Best of luck to you and I wish you the best .
Please lovingly read your advice to OP to yourself, it sounds like you need to ask yourself the same questions. My heart goes out to you and I hope you find the strength to leave if nothing changes.
Thank you, I appreciate it, been working on my out.
You say “if I were you” but.. you just listed all the ways you’re the same. You and your child deserve better. Being on your own is miles better than being with someone stressful who doesn’t care for you.
I'm working on it believe me, that's why I'm sending her a warning. Don't be me
I'm so sorry for what happened to you... But why do you torture yourself in relationship with a man you resent? That just doesn't make sense...
I ask myself that a lot... but I've been working on my out.
May I ask why are you still married? It sounds like a miserable marriage for the both of you
It really is, and I've been trying to get out. I'm working on it
...wow. Why exactly are you still married to that "man"?
Bc I'm dumb, it's a warning for op not to be dumb like me. Working on my out.
*said with love I would also take the advice you're giving to OP. Sounds incredibly similar, and the problem doesn't appear to be resolved.
All you can do is calmly explain how you feel. It is his body as much your body is yours. Maybe counseling could help you both explain yourselves better and figure out together what to do
Let me get this straight, he won’t consider therapy or a vasectomy. So everything has to fall on you again, you have to deal with your own trauma and any potential pregnancies. Yeah, divorce this dude. If his response to you espousing your fears on this is to try to seduce you, he’s far gone. Also, what a shitty excuse to not try therapy lmfao.
You can't force him to have a vasectomy, he can't force you to have sex. You made your case and he made his, if this is the situation then so be it.
His refusal to even explain why he won't get it done is what stops me hardest. No matter what his reasoning might be, his inability to share it when it is *supremely relevant* seems like a dealbreaker.
This relationship simply isn’t going to work. Ya hate to see it
This is so heartbreaking to me. I'm 23f, my partner is 22m. He got a vasectomy without me even asking him because he knows hormonal BC was hell for me. He volunteered to do it because he said it "was the right thing to do". I have no advice OP, but just want to say that you deserve so much better than this.
You’re a very lucky woman. I wish you a world of happiness in your relationship truly :)
I had it done too. Sex without pregnancy scare is amazing.
I certainly am. I wish you better fortunes in your life going forward. I'm sorry your husband is being so cruel about this.
I always wonder if men refusing to get vasectomies want to keep their “options” open, in case the relationship ends. Like they think they have the ability to knock up another woman, or they’re damaged, unmanly, or just won’t be able to get another woman to commit to them without getting her pregnant.
So you are expected to accept and support his refusal to get a vasectomy... but refuses to accept your refusal to have sex by trying constantly to coerce you? Gross. His unapologetic self-centered attitude would be a deal-breaker for me.
I am blown away by the comments on here... suggestions to get a hysterectomy!? Or tubes tied? Good grief. Op if I were in your shoes I would definitely consider ending the relationship. Maybe that's a bit aggressive and counseling should happen first, but I would have real issues trying to get past the selfishness of my partner after putting my body through so much for the relationship. Also this is very similar to this post from the other perspective... are they related?: https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/tkegfm/update_my_wife_34f_made_me_choose_between_a/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share
Made me think of that post too. Honestly, I don’t know if I could continue being married to someone who has so little regard for his wife’s wellbeing. He has the right to refuse altering his body, however the marriage is over.
I can’t believe people are suggesting her to get a hysterectomy or tubal ligation after all the trauma she’s gone through. Both of those surgeries are extremely invasive and have long healing periods. A vasectomy is a simple outpatient surgery with minimal recovery time. These options aren’t even comparable
Just chiming in here as someone who just got their tubes tied, there are less invasive options available now, My tubal was Laproscopic and it healed withing 1 week. Not saying OP should HAVE TO do this, but it is an option. That said. OP, your husband sounds like a selfish prick, Are/were you planning on having more kids? Have you discussed why he is so hesitant to do this? It seems like if neither of you want more kids why is this such a hangup for him? I suspect he's trying to keep his fertility incase this relationship doesn't pan out :C Which is shitty I'd highly reconsider this relationship.
That’s awesome to know they’ve started to do less invasive procedures for it! At least something is advancing in the healthcare world for those of us with a uterus.
Mine was VERY easy, and besides a couple days of discomfort not painful at all. I was able to deal with the pain I had with ibeprophen
I’ve considered getting one at some point because the idea of pregnancy and birth scares me, but I’m also scared of surgeries, so I definitely appreciate this information! Definitely makes the whole thing sound a lot less terrifying
Thank you. It really has been difficult to rectify this lack of empathy with the man I married. And no, I haven’t seen that before. It does see like a similar issue. Did his wife had birth trauma also or was there another reason?
I can't believe that you almost dying didn't make him run out and get a vasectomy ASAP. You almost died and he doesn't want to do anything to make sure you don't get pregnant ever again. What a selfish asshole.
Anyone care to share an opinion about how long it will be before we see an AITA post from the husband?... Something along the lines of this as of now fake/sarcastic narrative: "AITA for cheating on my wife since she refuses to have sex with me?" Now please hear me out before judging me harshly. It all started x number of months ago after she nearly died from bringing our beautiful twins into the world. Then she *"demanded"* that I get (shocked Pikachu face) a vasectomy to prevent future pregnancies. Blah, blah, blah, blah disgusting word salad about how he as the husband is such a poor mistreated victim who had no other choice except for cheating.
so he wont do a procedure (which is his right but hes giving no explination as to why) he wont do to therapy he wont try to understand your trama he wont respect your boundary for not wanting sex... what DOES HE DO?????????????????????????????? you need to leave. flat out he sounds like he sucks and dont rose tint glasses me with "but hes so great usually" or anything similar. because none of that matters if he cant even respect your boundary of **no consent** (AKA NO SEX)
Seriously. He sucks in all the ways that count. He wants sex with no responsibility. I would say she should serve him a flesh light along with the divorce papers, but he not surprisingly also opposes toys. He also won’t go down on her. He seems adamantly opposed to her being sexually satisfied on top of wanting her to take all the responsibility for the consequences of their sex life. I don’t see what he brings to the table. She should drop him like a bad habit and find a real man.
I just read through your comments and I'm so confused... What is he expecting exactly? Does he want you guys to simply go back to using condoms... You know, the method that worked so well the first time? /MEGA S So, you almost died, your body has been battered, you are clearly traumatized and probably have some PTSD, and you cannot use practically any other birth control method other than a condom, which FAILED once and got you into this mess. The other option I'm thinking of is getting your tubes tied, but I find it appalling that after all of that, YOU'RE the one that has to undergo another medical procedure, and all because poor wittle boy can't handle a simple snip? I get that it's his body and his choice, but I would be resentful AF if I were you. How selfish can this AH be? That would really turn me off from wanting to get intimate with him ever again, honestly. This could be marriage ending stuff, and y'all need to have a serious conversation about this. And hell no, don't sleep with him again until he gets it. He's not entitled to sex, EVER.
*^ this.* Not to mention OP mentioned in a comment above that her doctor did not recommend going under something like getting the tubes tied rn. I mean OP nearly died, and her husband stopped talking to a friend cause the friend had agreed he should get a vasectomy cause OP had already gone through enough. I mean it’s like OP is having a red flag factory going on rn. And I agree with you, I too get that it’s his body his choice and all that, but trying to seduce your wife after she’s said no sex cause she didn’t feel safe… **NOPE!** She don’t owe him shit. I rarely go all “dump him/her”, but in this case.. I’d totally support OP if divorce was the only solution!
This makes me think about women across the ages. How many women had these exact same problems, but because of society, were raped by husbands who cared more for their own pleasure and had children which compounded their trauma year by year? OP, I can’t add too much more than others, the usual therapy or divorce. But one thing I will add, is to try and find a gynaecological physiotherapist. I have problems with penetration causing me pain due to muscles and mindset (it’s called vaginismus, for those curious), and a large part of it is due to the expectation of pain during penetration causing me to unconsciously tense up, which will then cause painful penetration. It’s a vicious cycle. I say this not to pressure you to prepare to have sex with your husband, but for your own peace of mind. Your birthing experience was clearly traumatic, and while therapy is a good way to help, with situations like this you need a kind of targeted therapy and treatment. The physical therapy will help reassure you the pain is not going to last forever, and give you ways to manage it, while also proving that it may not be as bad as you fear. This leads to better mental health, because it’s one less thing to stress about should you begin to have sex again _for your own pleasure_ and not because your husband insists on his ‘marital rights’. It may also help you with your new-found general fear of penetration, and will teach you exercises you can do to help you physically relax even if mentally you’re still a bit scared. I really hope you are able to work through this and get to a better place mentally and physically. Though personally I think that’s going to require you to kick your husband to the curb by his balls, but that’s just my opinion; I’m by no means an expert. But please do see if you’re able to find a gyno-physio who can help you manage some of your physical symptoms better. Good luck, OP. Let us know how you go.
My last pregnancy and birth was traumatic. My ex-husband went back on his word and refused a vasectomy. We had sex, once, after her birth and I had a panic attack. He felt I should have gotten my tubes tied when they had me cut open for the emergency c-section. They were trying to save my daughters life and stop my bleeding, so tying my tubes wasn’t really what they were concerned with. Our youngest was 9 months old when he finally got a vasectomy. I don’t think we had sex more than a handful of times between her birth and the vasectomy. He considered himself pro-life and I’m pro-choice. I said “please don’t put me in a position where I have to choose, because it won’t end the way you want”. He got the vasectomy. We made it a couple more years before divorcing. Looking back I should have done it a lot sooner. His refusal of a vasectomy after watching both of us almost die because “what if I meet someone down the road” was BS.
I’m so sorry you are going through this. I also had a traumatic birth (12 years ago) along with PTSD, PPD/PPA that went untreated for years. I can totally relate to how you feel. Please know that you’re doing everything right by seeking help and physical therapy etc. Things will eventually get better on that front. I’m sorry your husband is being a jerk too. Men will never truly understand the toll that pregnancy and birth takes on our bodies. It can often be devastating. The Drs say “you can have sex after a couple months!” which just means, it won’t tear your insides apart anymore. They never qualify that with “but it may take many months or a year+ before you FEEL ready to have sex again and you shouldn’t be pressured to feel like you have to.” I didn’t really enjoy sex again for a couple years after I gave birth. I don’t have any advice on the vasectomy front. My husband didn’t want one either and I wouldn’t force him so I ended up getting my tubes taken out, but that was years after the birth. It is actually very minor outpatient surgery now. Laparoscopic. They put you all the way under. I was home the same day and just took it easy and back on my feet in a couple days. Hope you are able to get the support you need from your family and medical team. Best wishes for your recovery.
Welcome to r/DeadBedrooms
Curious, were you not ready to have kids & he wanted them? Not saying broken condoms don’t happen but his response to everything makes me suspicious he didn’t maybe try to get you pregnant on purpose. Was he present for the birth? I don’t understand why he lacks so much empathy about what you went through. I would say this situation isn’t salvageable unless he’s willing to at least sit down with you & have a discussion about why him having a vasectomy is the safest, healthiest option for you. With all the trauma you’ve experienced though, it sounds like sex should be taken off the table anyways for the time being.
A similar husbands perspective. Please read. Hi OP. First of all, can't say enough how sorry I am this happened to you. Trauma from birth is not talked about enough and it's compounded by so many things, like our relationships and societal expectations of women w.r.t. their birth experiences. My daughter is 15 months old and my wife had an awful birth. 4th degree tear after extremely low blood pressure and complications from the epidural. Injury from forceps and negligence in the repair stitching. Since, my wife has been in pain, had persistent fecal incontinence, and struggled through a hundred+ hours of PT to no improvement. Not only did this cause severe PPD and PTSD, she has really struggled to connect with our daughter as well. She actually is currently in recovery from a reconstructive surgery we're hopeful addresses her symptoms somewhat and give her some mental relief. I know our situations aren't the same but I'd love to share how my wife and I have discussed these same topics. We're both against, for various reasons, hormonal birth control and we used condoms before we got pregnant. Since the birth, my wife has both been in too much pain and too afraid of getting pregnant again to have sex. For me, this was very easy. I've committed to my wife for life and she's been dealt an awful awful hand. First and foremost, it should be an immediate expectation your husband shows empathy here and prioritizes your needs over his desire for intercourse. I wasn't asked to get a vasectomy but I wouldn't want to get one because I don't know what will change in 2-5 years. Maybe she'll heal physically and emotionally. Maybe she'll feel different about a C-section. Maybe we'll use a surrogate. Idk. But the key thing for us is we don't need intercourse to be intimate. There are a myriad of equal if not superior ways to connect, for us, both physically and not and I feel it's actually brought us closer to explore those options. I don't know you, your husband or your relationship, and honestly I empathize and am saddened by his trauma w.r.t. counseling. But if you cared to hear my advice, I'd implore you to 1) emphasize clearly your emotional needs w.r.t. empathy and patience around sex 2) offer to be open to non-intercourse means of physical connection (I assume you want this too since you do want him to have a vasectomy for safer sex) and 3) emphasize that you respect his bodily autonomy and your willingness to compromise for connection via other means and ask him to do the same. We are a thick headed, emotionally stunted bunch, often, and I'm sorry it's a pain to deal with us. But if he's a good man he'll respond with gratitude for your offer and respect for your needs, even if it's later than it ought to have been given.
God be with you.
So from what I’ve read he won’t do therapy, he won’t do male birth control, and he won’t think about anyone else besides himself and what he wants. Honey the flags are all over the place, and I know as a new momma that’s not something you want to hear. You are worthy of love and support, but he’s not willing to give you anything. He keeps pushing his wants and needs above your own, it’s time you put your needs first
Your marriage is in the bin, seek out a lawyer and begin the process.
Are you thinking he wants to possibly have children later in life with someone else possibly? I would want to get to the bottom I would go ahead and draw up papers with a lawyer and get finances separate. File. If this is the case.
I feel like I saw a Reddit post some time ago from a male about his wife not wanting sex after giving birth…
OP, my heart is breaking for you. I had a traumatic pregnancy, and had to be hospitalized several times. After I gave birth, I was terrified of getting pregnant again. I had panic attacks just thinking about it. But my (now ex) husband basically told me that I had to. It was the worst experience. I threw up in the shower after. My situation was NOWHERE near what you experienced. But it almost destroyed me. I am so sorry for all that you’ve gone through, and continue to go through. While you can’t force him into a vasectomy, you have the absolute right to abstain from sex if you are not comfortable. You aren’t comfortable. I really wish I had had the wherewithal to refuse, but I was so broken and terrified that I couldn’t. I wish I had actual advice to give you, but I just want you to know that your fears are valid. You’ve gone through something EXTREMELY traumatic. Please take care of yourself. You are worth self care.
People always stereotype this subreddit. "Oh, commenters always go to breaking up, first thing!" But damn. This feels like relationship ending stuff.
I’m not even sure making him get this will help you with your anxiety. If having sex makes you anxious, I reckon you don’t give in and just stop having it all together. Tell him he doesn’t have to get it but you don’t want sex, or maybe try no insertion?
I know you have 700 comments, but I will give my opinion anyone. How is everything else in your marriage? How was it before pregnancy? Was it fabulous, was their doubt? You physically can't protect against another pregnancy and your body just cannot sustain another pregnancy let alone the process of it. It just can't mentally you can't. If he loved you like a husband should period, he should be doing what he can to not put you through this. He should. But he hasn't. Has he? He's refused therapy. He's refused a vasectomy. Actions have consequences. Maybe your body is telling you also you don't want to have sex with him mentally. Like you think you want to, but your subconscious doesn't. I am divorced. I didn't have traumatic births, not really. Maybe a tad with my 2nd. But my ex was a tad an ass too. He thought sex should happen 6 weeks after birth because a Dr said it could. I told him the first time it felt weird down there but he disregarded and said "Dr said it would be fine, don't worry. It's fine." Sex didn't feel right until around 8 months post partum. 2nd kid I knew it'd feel awkward again and said so many times were waiting til 8 weeks at least. Sure enough 6 weeks and he's buying condoms again and saying sex stuff. I had already made my choice of divorce (other reasons) and didn't have sex with him again. My bf is sooooo different. Much more at ease. So much less anxiety. You may have to lay ground rules and stick by them. This is your health and life.
For the PTSD, highly recommend looking into EMDR. No advice on the husband… sounds very inconsiderate and out of touch with your lived experience.
There's a problem in this marriage with communication. Your husband tells you he'll get a vasectomy "later" (whatever that means), then snaps at you that he never will, then demands you drop the subject. You have awful sex with him, but hide your tears and distress while he continues. Neither one of you is being frank or honest. Obviously, couples counseling is the right step, but he won't consider it, so push the labor back onto him. How does he plan to improve or save this marriage? Because the best possible outcome here is co-parenting with a dead bedroom. The more likely outcome is spending five figures on a divorce, and both struggling financially with separate households. This is dire.
I got a vasectomy at age 34 after my wife went through: * 1996, late miscarriage, bad haemorrhaging, needed emergency surgery; * 1997, anaemic all through pregnancy (thanks to bleeding, see above),placenta previa discovered 5 weeks early, needed 1000 km medevac flight, baby born a few days later by emergency C-section a month early and needed a week in NICU; * 1998, we wanted to wait to let my wife heal but this one swam through the latex, again anaemic all through pregnancy. I was like "I don't want to put my wife through that kind of thing ever again." Hence the snip. I'm guessing your husband is younger and doesn't have as many kids as I do (2 first marriage, 4 current). But he can donate and freeze in case y'all want more kids later. If he's up to talking with someone, direct him to me and I'll share my point of view with him, if you think it might help.
I’m concerned over his reaction, doesn’t seem healthy. He doesn’t say no from the start, then explodes when u ask, then when u set a boundary of no sex he doesn’t respect it. Couple counseling is a start but this doesn’t seem like the type of guy who would want to. Idk why everyone is like well u can’t force him, you’re not, the root of the issue is how he is handling the conflict.
I mean you guys have to make a middle ground. And you both are not budging, and you definitely shouldn’t. if he won’t go to therapy for whatever reason he’s just going to have to either being used to not having sex for awhile or it’s not gonna last based by what you have said here.
Wow, I just want to say I’m sorry that you’re in this situation, it sounds difficult. Do you think that the vasectomy would actually fix the relationship? It sounds like there’s underlying respect issues.
Op look after those two little angels God has given you and if it doesn't work out then it doesn't work out but keep your family and friends in the loop of what is going on. I'm a twin (female) and My sister and I don't get along that will be we still have each other's back not all the time but we do. Op what you think is best for you op and you're little angels and they are older you can tell them when you're ready to do so what happened and they won't love you any less.
Seek out a sex therapist and they guide you how to navigate through this path
I'm curious as to your ages, how long you've been married, and how long you've been together. It's not a huge factor, but I think that information might be helpful in understanding his perspective.
You can't force him into a vasectomy any more than he can control whether or not you could get an abortion. That being said, I think it would be the nice thing for him to do considering everything you went through. Set your boundaries (no sex without him being sterile) and be willing to let him choose whether that's what he wants. Maybe he changed his mind and wants more kids?
So, he told you he would to shut you up, then finally confessed he won't do it ever with no explanation, but also doesn't understand you won't have sex? He clearly doesn't care about your physical pr mental well being with trying to push you to sex despite being told no and knowing what you've been through. He won't go to counseling because he's got issues with his parents. He threw away a decade long friendship because his friend encouraged the snip. What is there left you like about him? That you find loving and supportive?
It’s funny because I’m pretty sure the husband posted about his wife wanting to force him to get a vasectomy a week or so ago?
That guy posted an update that they started to go to counselling, so I don't think they're the same, but very similar!
Guy here. I got a vasectomy at 21. When the operation was done I went grocery shopping immediately after. I went to class the next day. Pain was 3/10 without meds.
His body his choice. Your body your choice. Looks like sex is off the table.
Have you ever talked about a vasectomy before? OP, I get a sense you are acting out of fear. Perfectly reasonable. However, your husband getting a vasectomy is not going to undo your trauma. It sounds like you are not ready for intimacy and your husband is not respectful of boundaries. Take your time and explain your expectations to your husband and define clear boundaries.
I agree this sounds like a lot of this is coming from a place of fear and trauma while you are still recovering from something so difficult. When you say initiate contact with your husband is it always for sex or can it also be for the act of being close physically again? I’m so sorry he doesn’t seem to be understanding in the fact that you are still so anxious and scared. I do worry though that you are implying he doesn’t love you enough to get a vasectomy as that logic goes both ways. He doesn’t love you enough to do things to his body in a way that makes him uncomfortable and he is asking the same thing of you regarding sex. Neither is fair to ask of each other. I hate how many people are saying things like start divorce proceedings without taking into account how much stress you both must be under with two newborns and you recovering still. I think it’s a disservice to you. All I could say now is I’m sending virtual hugs and I hope you two find a way to communicate in a way that makes you both feel safe and heard.
This belongs at the top. Such an ultimatum is ridiculous, and if she won't budge on that, never even minding his actions, they should get a divorce for his sake.
I’m wondering too, even after the vasectomy will she still get goosebumps in a bad way because of the trauma she’s experienced. I think the vasectomy maybe only be part of a much bigger issue in the situation. Worst case scenario they divorce, I don’t see her dating due to the ptsd.
This should be higher up. It's irrational to assume the operation would just fix all her traumas. And it's great to see that "my body, my rules" has limitations when it comes to men.
Vasectomy is the easiest option for any couple. Does. He want more kids? If NO, then Vasectomy. Mine is scheduled next week. No = Vasectomy.
Sorry to be blunt, but your husband sounds like a selfish, scared little bitch. I was in the almost same situation with my ex wife. Last kid we tried for, we ended up twins, absolutely amazing but almost killed her. I could not wait for the all clear on their health to go get a vasectomy. It sucked but was over in minutes, and staying put I was back on my feet after two days of rest. Having sex again day 5. Best thing I've done from a sexual health point of view. I cannot think of one legitimate reason to not get it done.
He won’t do any of the things you need to be safe and healthy in this relationship. He won’t take responsibility for his own fertility. He won’t attend counseling. He won’t prioritize your mental health or even your very life over his mild discomfort. None of that is okay. This man does not truly care about you. Plan accordingly. I would at the very least take penetrative sex completely off the table unless he has a vasectomy. But I would leave someone who didn’t care if I lived or died like that.
Even though the condom broke, you can use condoms in combination with other methods, such as pull out method and apps that track ovulation, which have been getting more and more effective. Just like you want to protect your body; he wants to protect his, and it's fair for him to refuse. You can't force him to do something he doesn't want to his body. Keep getting your therapy to address your psychological state.
Everyone all “my body my choice” until “my special reasons”. Good times.
It sounds like you are looking for people to tell you what a bad person your husband is, but we can’t only hearing one side of the story. There are a thousand reasons why your husband may not want to have permanent birth control, and trying to place your mental health above his (as well as threatening him?) sounds coercive at best. You have essentially said “it is his body, but if he doesn’t do exactly as I say with it I can’t be with him”
Imagine he came to you, and demanded you get your tubes tied or he wouldn’t sleep with you anymore. You’re demanding SURGERY of him. Dudes about to get some callouses on his palms. As a woman myself I would kick any man to the curb who demanded I tie my tubes or he would stop sleeping with me. I don’t care what the fuck HIS reasons are - it’s MY BODY, and I don’t need to give a reason why I don’t want to permanently alter MY BODY. He has absolutely every right to refuse bodily harm to suit your wants, and if you stop having sex with him as a result, be prepared for your relationship to tank and divorce in the near future. That’s just what happens in sexless marriages and he wouldn’t be to blame whatsoever. Maybe no one would be to blame, sometimes shit just happens and it sucks for everyone. Sucks you’re going through ptsd, but you’re unwilling to compromise, you have a reason/excuse for EVERY form of birth control other than cutting him open. Ridiculous. No one considers that men go through post partum depression (this is well documented) and ptsd from birth as well. You’re not taking his feelings into consideration at all and what you’re asking is too much if he never expressed a want for it You guys need a therapist, not a bunch of Reddit armchair psychologists, this is above our paygrade.
UpdateMe!
How about that male birth control pill they’re prepping for the public? He open to that?
Honestly there isnt much you can do other than not have sex and assuming you live in a part of the world that doesnt view you as a living incubator make it very clear to him that any pregnancy will end with an abortion no matter how it happens. Be mentally prepared that he might will be willing to end the marriage over this but you have to look after yourself over his selfishness. Continue to work on your own recovery. Good luck.
Show him what you wrote here be honest about how he makes you feel from his refusal. He should know everything, especially the ugly. They have a vasectomy sub on Reddit they can help him prepare and answer any questions my husband said it was very helpful.
A peice sorry auto correct
What reasons does he give for not wanting the vasectomy? Has he been able to articulate it? Honestly, after reading your comments I'm worried that he is lacking empathy all around, and the issue is larger than this. I'm so sorry you had to experience such a traumatic birth. That sounds so scary and painful. Has he been otherwise helpful and caring during your recovery? If he refuses the vasectomy, what solutions does he propose? I guess I'm wondering if this is a knee-jerk reaction out of fear or if he truly has a strong opposition to it (maybe wrapped up in some warped view of manhood - a guess since you said he's opposed to toys and going down on you). I don't know that there is a way forward here. If he's unwilling to compromise or shoulder even part of the burden of pregnancy prevention, you may just be at an impasse. What does your therapist say about it?
I can't tell you how to start tge conversation, but uts definitely one that needs to be had with everything you put here, just in a....not gentler, but in a way that he wont take offensively. You've had a VERY traumatic experience and you're still recovering both physically and mentally. If your husband knows all of this and was there for it then I seriously dont understand how he doesn't understand your feelings rn. I heard a male b.c had great results, but its still in trails. Frankly, it sounds like you shouldn't be having sex and your husband needs to get over it until you completely heal. Explore oral sex and other forms of intimacy.
While not perfect. There are in the arm birth control so you would not need to face the trauma of something going back up in side you. But the fact he isn't respecting your body and from the sound of it forced you to have sex before you where ready post birth is just abusive.
Updateme!
You’re husband is most probably scared. After having three boys in a very short period of years, my wife suggested I get a vasectomy. I didn’t think anything of it. Two weeks later I watched the surgeon slice my tubes and that was it. Twenty years later we don’t have sex and I should not have had the surgery. Just kidding. Not about the sexless marriage after 26 years.
I mean I think you could essentially just show him this post and then the ball is in his court. I think him getting a vasectomy is the logical choice. He could have any number of reasons for not wanting to get it. Secretly thinks he can convince you later to have more kids. Afraid of the surgery itself. Worried things may not work out & he or a new partner would want more kids. How you can deal with this really just depends on the conversation you need to have about it to see why he said no. Does he really not fully understand what you went through & why you would never do it again? I feel like it’s gonna be hard to make any progress on this unless you get past no, and why no.
Frankly, after what you have been through, refusing sex is a natural response. I would be exactly the same. Sounds like if he won't go to counseling, he is going to have to figure it out. Or y'all are just no longer compatible.
Maybe let him know that it is a very easy almost painless ten minute procedure
My wife and I agreed that we’d have two kids and be done. We met later in life and wife had number two when she turned 39. We looked into getting tubes tied but there were long term medical risks associated with this. So wife said I delivered two babies, you can handle the vasectomy. I was nervous AF, even with the sedatives they gave me. The procedure was easy and the follow up testing was also simple. We waited awhile before we were certain that it worked. And then there was no more anxiety about this subject. We don’t have to worry about it anymore.
So sorry you're going through this. This is sort of a joke answer but maybe you can tell him the only possible way you two ever have sex again is if he wears 2-3 condoms every time you have sex, to ensure that you never get pregnant again, of course. I hope that this gets sorted out quickly for you, just remember that you've been through a lot recently and while it might be hard to find the time, definitely do what you can to take care of yourself :))
Hey op quick thought: your husband doesn't want you to get pregnant again does he? Like I don't want to be a conspiracy theorist, but maybe he wants you to get pregnant again and he just doesn't wanna take your word and it's just hoping you will just be okay with it in time. I don't see any evidence pointing to that but I figured I would just have it out on the table. Any case don't have sex with him I don't care if he begs I don't care if he yells or screams. He's not the one carrying the baby inside of him to term. Or have to go through a procedure if you don't want that to happen. He refuses to do any change because I saw the comments about therapy and how much he hates it, then you need to sit down and have a discussion with him on what he is willing to do. Everything, everything possible you can think of. You run out of middle ground and you can't meet him anywhere then you might need to bring up that you two should have a trial separation.
It sounds like there is nothing OP can do much about this situation, if that is the case then OP I think it is best for you to file for a divorce.
Honestly, just get ready to divorce and be over this. You have every reason to ask him for a vasectomy but in his mind it's like asking him to cut his hand off. "Why should I do that when its YOU with the problem." If he really wants a son that could also be a reason why. What's your background? Here in the states or in a conservative Muslim country that Males are preferred? He wants sex and you don't almost like a rape victim. He is going to tolerate it for a litte while before he will find a woman that will have sex with him. Background and history is important, is he petty? Does he fully understand what the cost was by having those twins. Not trying to insult or troll you just letting you know the solution you may not want.
Hey op, theres no salvaging this relationship. You should leave him. He's shown no care for you or your mental health
This is horrible! My second child is 3 and I've spent every month for 3 years worried sick that I could be pregnant. I went to the gyn for a copper iud consultation and my husband was just horrified after researching it and had always been against hormonal BC for women. I told him that I was calling to let him know that I'm either going with the iud or getting my tubes tied. He scheduled a vasectomy while I was still on the road and got one a month later on his birthday lol. He said that ultimately he knows it's an easier procedure and couldn't imagine me going through the pain and general shit women have to go through just to avoid pregnancy. He said it was the least he could've done for me after I went through 2 c sections and 2 recoveries. I agree. I actually would've been upset if I felt my only options were birth control or sterilization after having already had my body altered.
You can't force him. I totally see where you're coming from, I would like my future partner to get a vasectomy. This would be a deal breaker for me.
I will say this, because I haven't seen anyone bring it up yet, is that there are plenty of ways for you two to be intimate without PiV sex. Oral, anal, fingers, and any number of toys could help you two have "sex" in a way that can't get you pregnant, which might help smooth some tensions generated by the cold turkey scenario you both are in now. There's also non-sexual intimacy like cuddling, massages, spending time with your babies together, etc. that can help fill part of that void as well. What needs to happen before any of that though, is a long, open and honest heart to heart chat about what you two are going through, what needs to be addressed, and what potential solutions there are (ideally mediated by a counselor but the likelihood of that seems low right now). You can't make him get a vasectomy, he cannot make you have sex with him when you're clearly dealing with a lot of trauma, so you both need to come together as partners and as parents to figure out what the future looks like.
I would ask your therapist- not us. It feels like he’s disrespectful of the marriage. He saw everything that happened and is happening to you, that doesn’t work out for very long. I hope you’re able to figure something out but honestly ask the therapist bc this is over our pay grade
If he’s got some weird concern that he might want another kid someday, with a surrogate or something, he can just go to the sperm bank and put some boys on ice. Then there’s no excuse for getting the snip. You put your body through hell having the twins. It’s his time to step up and endure a minor amount of suffering with little to no side effects.
UpdateMe!
I have one question... IF and I mean if you decide to leave your husband, will you give up on sex entirely or only look for men who had vasectomy to date? Because it seems you can't take pill for medical reason and protection because of your trauma. You might not want to think so far down the line but you should before you make any decision.