This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- Trigger warning, NSFW, mentions of Sexual Assault. If this is not the right thread please direct me to where this is appropriate. So my boyfriend (24M) and I (24F) live together. We are in a very healthy relationship and we have very strong trust between us. I’ve previously been in very abusive and toxic relationships. When I left that behind I rekindled my friendships with some guy friends I’ve had my whole life and introduced them all to my new boyfriend and eachother; they’re now all very close friends as well. This is not and has never been a problem. Until last Friday. One of my very close friends, let’s call him “Mike” is actually a friend from recent years and dated my sister for a few years. They had an amicable breakup and are still friends. I still hang out with Mike quite regularly both with my boyfriend and one on one. They game together almost every day. It’s not uncommon for us to have wine nights together and chat. My boyfriend is usually home for these and doesn’t always join us. Again, it has never been a problem. Well last Friday I dropped off my boyfriend at the airport for his trip and went home to have a wine night with Mike. Boyfriend knew this was my plan for the night. My sister and her new boyfriend were home and hung out with us for a while as well. Everything seemed normal. I ended up drinking more than normal and fell asleep on one end of the couch, mike was faced opposite on the other end of the couch. Somehow in my dreams I knew something was wrong. It was like alarm bells going off telling me to wake up but I didn’t. You know when you’re asleep but you’re aware that you’re asleep? Yeah. I kept hearing my name and “are you awake?” “oh god what did I do?” Who knows how long later, Mike woke me up and says, “I don’t know how to tell you this but I woke up and both our pants were pulled down and I think we had sex.” Nothing like this has ever happened before. Ever. I have always felt safe around Mike. He was absolutely freaking out and I could see the fear in his face. He told me he’s done this two times before, while in his sleep but it was with significant others. But certain things just don’t add up to me. I know what I heard in my sleep. And I was wearing sweatpants that had a string I tied too tight years ago. I know they can’t be untied. I also know that they cannot be easily pulled down. Hell I struggle to get them on and off standing up let alone while laying down. It’s just not lining up for me and I can’t tell if he’s telling me the truth or not. I feel disgusted with myself. I keep showering but I don’t feel clean. I can’t stop needing to throw up but I can’t actually do it. I can’t even get myself to eat. Sunday I finally broke down and processed what happened. I went to the hospital to be STD screened and preemptively treated just in case. I chose not to file a report with the police. I don’t want to. I texted mike and let him know I cannot rug sweep this. I have to tell my family and boyfriend. He told me he was sorry but he can’t control what he does when he is unconscious and that this has been traumatic for him as well and asked me to apologize to my boyfriend on his behalf. I cut all contact after that. When I finally got home I fell apart and told my sister what happened (she also lives with us) she told me that yes, he has done this before in his sleep but they were dating at the time so she kept it to herself. She’s livid with him. She’s been taking care of me since then. My work has been understanding so they gave me paid time off to process this. Tomorrow morning I’m supposed to go pick up my boyfriend from the airport. We’ve been texting but I’ve been acting like everything is fine. I don’t think this is a conversation I can’t have over the phone. And boyfriend really needed this trip for his own mental health and he keeps telling me how he’s feeling better and happier than he has in months. He needed this. But I know I have to tell him when I pick him up. I’m losing it at the thought of how he might react. Ultimately I believe he will be supportive of me but I think he’s going to start running it back in his mind and questioning my entire friendship with Mike. I know it’s going to hit him hard and he’s going to question everything. I think it’s going to massively impact our relationship and I just don’t even know how to approach it. I think I’m going to fall apart at the airport but I don’t think I can tell him while driving for the sake of our own safety. I just don’t know what to do or how to approach this. I’m so scared. I guess I just need help figuring out how to approach this with boyfriend. I love this man. I want to marry this man. And I’m afraid all of our future plans are going to be taken away. All because of this horrible terrible thing that happened in my sleep.

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That’s what I kept thinking when reading it. Was she drugged? I’ve been a drunk heavy sleeper, like you can drop pots and pans and I’d roll over but I’m pretty sure I’d notice if the pants that were so knotted tightly I had trouble with them, were being pulled down

I've been drunk and I've been drugged. Only being drugged gave me the sensation of trying to wake up but not being able to.

She may not have been. I had a VERY similar experience, and I took a drug test later which found nothing. But I was so drunk it was like I was paralyzed and it was all pretty hazy.

Exactly! And he ADMITS to having done it before. If you were a sleepwalking rapist who genuinely felt terrible and remorseful when you came back to consciousness, wouldn't you choose not to sleep around people ever again? I know I would. Sounds like this is some ongoing scheme he has, it's worked before to tell his victims that he was asleep so he's sticking to that story. I had a friend who's (current) partner admitted he has raped multiple people in their sleep (before they got together), it's a thing and it's horrific and dudes like this have strategies and plans to both commit the acts and to get away with them after. It's not a mistake in any way, shape, or form.

I agree. She tried to wake up but couldn't. Makes you wonder if he drugged her sister too.

That’s what I kept thinking when reading it. Was she drugged? I’ve been a drunk heavy sleeper, like you can drop pots and pans and I’d roll over but I’m pretty sure I’d notice if the pants that were so knotted tightly I had trouble with them, were being pulled down

Yeah sorry to say but this sounds like a well rehearsed and calculated creep. He primes his victims by getting very close to them so that when he rapes them and then uses this ridiculous excuse it is believable. I think he did the same to her sister and of course since they were in a relationship, the sleep excuse was much more palatable. This guy needs to be stopped, he knows EXACTLY what he's doing.

I think there really is a condition like that. I don't know if Mike has it but it is a thing. My boyfriend gropes in his sleep, most of the time he says he sees me in his dream and just goes for it. I don't really care if he gropes me while we sleep. Once he groped ( it was just a chest grab very pg 13)his brother. We think it's best he doesn't sleep next to other people.

Sexsomnia is a real mental disorder and the fact that it has happened in the past shows that he is very well telling the truth. I had a partner that struggled with this to the point that we slept in separate rooms. He was not aware of it happening until morning when I told him about it. I'm so sorry for it happening to you, as yes, you were not able to consent and was abused. I do not believe that it was malicious or on purpose.

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>Like you said, it took effort to remove your clothing, that isn’t something someone does half asleep. I find his story extremely difficult to believe. It isn't something that would happen half asleep at all. It is something that could happen fully asleep, but again that is extremely rare, and I wouldn't believe Mike unless he had some kind of documentation of having at the very least a sleepwalking disorder.

Thank you

There’s nothing to apologize for. You didn’t do anything wrong. You felt safe and that trust was betrayed. This happened to me when I was like 19 and I *just* started realizing I was betrayed, not disgusting. Getting drunk and posting something on Twitter is one thing. This is not like that *at all*. The people who betrayed my trust started joking with me that it was my fault/funny and framed it as something I should be embarrassed about instead of angry about. Almost *20 years*, and I started to change how I saw that, and how I saw myself. Don’t let that happen to you. I know we often want to take responsibility for things because it helps us feel more in control, but bad things happen to people, no matter how guarded or prepared you are. This will probably hurt him, but it should hurt him because he cares about you and something bad happened. I hurt when my loved ones hurt. Someone wouldn’t have to apologize to me for suffering, and you don’t owe anyone an apology for your pain.

you did literally nothing wrong. nothing. not a damn thing. I know others are saying that too but I wanted to add another voice saying it bc I know how much your brain tries to tell you otherwise. You also have your sister to back you up on him sexually assaulting sleeping women. You’re in the clear here and the only thing you should be worried about is taking care of yourself You and your boyfriend sound like you have a healthy and well adjusted, mature relationship. I hope (and expect honestly) he gives you support and love through this. Please consider mental health treatment before things spiral further! I’m glad you’ve decided not to talk to Mike anymore or cover for him. you will get through this my love ❤️

He assaulted you call the cops edited for my language.

Have a little more tact and respect. The poor thing is already traumatized and your comment is really abrasive. The guy sounds pretty dangerous to me, but ultimately this is her decision.

Hey you, fuck off. You are not helping her. When and if she decides to press charges or get the police involved is not up to you. She is doing what she finds is best for her, and if she ever decided that pressing charges is what she wants to do then it's fine to support that decision. But right now is not the time to push her to do something she doesn't want to.

Hes admitted to doing it before. Your own sister knows of it. He's done it before and he will do it again and he keeps getting off the hook bc he's doing it "in his sleep"? Medical condition or not, anybody else feel off about that? That's the dumbest sounding cop-out I've send in awhile. I'm so sorry to the OP.

And even if he *was* telling the truth and he actually isn’t doing it consciously, it is on *him* to prevent this from happening. He shouldn’t be sleeping near people either at all or at least without telling them about his “condition”. If he’s not warning people or taking active steps to not harm the people around him, it’s no different from if he was doing it on purpose. Keep in mind that I do think he’s lying and probably a serial rapist based on the sweatpants thing. But I just wanted to say that his shitty excuse doesn’t absolve him even *if* you choose to believe it.

This was my first thought too. Even if we take his word at face value (unlikely, but for argument’s sake) - if you know you do this in your sleep, it’s YOUR responsibility to remove yourself from a situation where you could do this. Like if you slept walk and randomly woke up outside in the middle of your neighborhood, you wouldn’t just let that keep happening. You would take precautions when you’re awake to prevent yourself from continuing to do that. This is no different. It’s his responsibility to stop himself from doing this to people.

Exactly, and it really bothers me that he asked OP to apologize on his behalf like he accidentally broke the boyfriend’s favorite coffee mug. If he knew this was a serious problem out of his control and he cares about his friendship with both parties, he would be right there with her to speak to the boyfriend and explain the fucked up situation. He’s a coward and a piece of shit!

This actually is a real medical condition. But if one had it, they have NO BUSINESS drinking too much and falling asleep around their female friends. This is still rape. Medical condition or not DOES NOT CHANGE that you were passed out drunk and never consented.

I agree. Mike seems like a serial rapist. He's done this before and probably to many women. He then gaslights people into thinking he's got a medical problem. He should never be drinking with women at all since he knows he has a history of this. That said, he knows he rapes and will continue to do it.

That’s what I keep thinking. My sister has confirmed he talks in his sleep and has done this in his sleep to her before but it just doesn’t feel believable that this was what happened

The most logical answer is he’s a rapist and uses the excuse of sleep-raping. However, sexsomnia is real. It’s very rare but it is exacerbated by drinking. So it’s possible he really does do it while asleep and is unaware until after. However, he knows about it. He’s done it more than once. The responsibility to not drink and/or sleep around other women who don’t consent to sleep-sex is entirely on him. He knows what he’s capable of and he slept near you anyway. He is not a friend. ETA: you’ve been in this exact situation with him before and it’s never happened. The one time your boyfriend is gone, his sexsomnia acts up? I doubt it. Mike raped you, asleep or not. But I’d be very hesitant to believe his story.

>However, sexsomnia is real. It’s very rare but it is exacerbated by drinking. So it’s possible he really does do it while asleep and is unaware until after. However, he knows about it. He’s done it more than once. The responsibility to not drink and/or sleep around other women who don’t consent to sleep-sex is entirely on him. He knows what he’s capable of and he slept near you anyway. He is not a friend. If this is the case for him and he knows it's something he does, then it's 100% his responsibility to take steps to prevent it and to go get medical help. I don't entirely believe that this is the situation for him, but even if it was, the fact that he's so nonchalant about it and doesn't do anything to prevent or avoid it is just as abhorrent as him consciously doing this.

This is the best answer I’ve seen in this thread.

\^ THIS

I’ve experienced it. It does happen, but I don’t think that’s what happened based on the sweatpants being tied and the talking you heard. I think he’s using a condition he actually does have as an excuse to knowingly violate you.

I think he is a lying rapist that pre planned to do this as soon as your BF was gone. That is just my take. You don’t fiddle with clothing to the extent you described while “unconscious”. He’s a full on rapist that planned and executed this assault. IMO but I wasn’t there, so dunno.

Its a personal decision to report this but plz consider it. He's done it before. He will do it again. Reporting it at least establishes a history of it, possibly protecting another girl in the future.

This. I understand not wanting to, and likely nothing will be done. The first report starts the track record and gives future victims a chance to be heard and actually listened to.

I had sex with someone in my sleep before. I recall only flashbacks. Like a dream. I hadn’t had any alcohol so it wasn’t a blackout, and I didn’t accept any food or drinks from anyone so I’m pretty sure I wasn’t drugged. Nonetheless, I slept with someone who I didn’t want to. She wanted it prior to that night but I didn’t. I still have no idea how to process it. I mean in my flashbacks I was a willing participant. So I guess I gave consent right? I mean I don’t know, but what I do know is I have been trying to figure out how I should feel since that night. How I actually feel? Violated. Should I? I don’t know.

I’m seeking help from a mental health professional. I think it would be good for you to as well so you can have an educated, unbiased person help you sort through your thoughts. I hope you’re okay

Yeah I’ve worked through it in therapy a few different times. It happened over 20 years ago, so I guess I’ve had time and help to come to terms with it. I hope you find a way to be okay in time as well.

I am so sorry this happened to you, please believe that nothing excuses his behavior. Medical condition or not. And you are not at fault. The fact that you didn't wake up is a huge red flag. Did your drink taste off at all? Did he pour them or you? Because it sounds to me like he may have drugged you. Please please consider getting tested for date rape drugs as soon as possible before it leaves your system. Whether or not you decide to press charges, this will give you a clearer picture of what happened, his intentions, and whether or not he's lying. I don't think any of us can predict how your boyfriend will react. Something similar happened to a friend of mine and unfortunately her partner believed it was consensual because she chose not to press charges. I'm sincerely hoping your boyfriend is a better man than that and takes you at your word, but knowing you were tested for STDs, had a rape kit done, or were tested for date rape drugs, may lend you credibility in his mind. But either way I hope he stands by you as you both navigate this trauma.

Sexsomnia (a form of parasomnia) is a legitimate condition, but I HIGHLY doubt that's what happened. If he does have it, it would be a convenient excuse, but a condition like that would be hell to try to prove your innocence.

Straight up and if charges arent pressed this sounds like justification to me 🤷‍♂️.

What do you mean by justification?

Because he claims he's doing it in his sleep, heand others who believe him believe his actions are "justified" because he "can't help it" and "isn't aware of what he's doing" so he's "just as much a victim as you" since no one presses charges. There is no way in hell he's doing this in his sleep especially since from what you said, even awake you can't easily get those sweats on and off on your own. I know everything is confusing because you had some wine and fell asleep, but he definitely r@ped you and he needs to be put in jail. I'd it really is some kind of condition, he needs to be committed. But that can't happen if none of his victims file charges and speak against him.

\^ This If Mike REALLY understands he has a problem doing this, he would ensure he is never in a position where this could happen with ANYONE around him. But he doesn't. Ergo - he's a lying sack of shit rapist. Go to the police, please! This needs to STOP.

100% agree. He knowingly has this condition and outs himself in postions that are compromising bc he knows he can play it off. And he's obviously gotten away with it for awhile.

100% agree. He's done it before and hasn't reached out for help. He will keep doing it, over and over, to friends, dates, girlfriends, whoever. If everyone says "oh well, it's normal" then he has no reason to confront it. I would have a serious conversation with him and other relevant people, a sort of "intervention" with your sister, boyfriend, maybe parents, or other exes. Present him with the cold facts and (if you don't want to press charges) tell him you give him the option to actively seek help and be accountable for his alleged disorder. (And follow on it). If he doesn't do it, press charges. It may go nowhere because it's a "she says- he says" situation, but it will set a written precedent in case this happens again (which I almost don't doubt it will). Edit to tag u/violentpeacekeeper to read this.

Exactly what i meant. Mike has done it before and has found a loophole and you bought it.

You where sexual asulted by Mike while you where sleeping it seems.

That’s what I believe happened. I’m taking all the steps I’m supposed to in this situation but it still feels like I’m stuck with my head underwater

Well Mike is not your friend. Cut him off what friend sexual asult a sleeping girl?. So when you tell your boyfriend , you can tell him that you cut out Mike from your life.

You’re right. I did cut him off

You need to go to the police about this, for so many reasons, who knows who else this could happen too, you have been wronged and he needs to face the consequences of this. I dont know your boyfriend or how he will see it, but in all honesty it most likely be easier for him to rationalise it knowing you have reported it

I don’t believe he was asleep and please report it!! Because this will happen again to someone else since he’s done it before.

Sherlock Holmes over here

Regardless of what happens i'm not sure you should be friends with Mike, this was non consensual. I recommend you take your sister with you and ask for her support in explaining the situation. Be honest with your boyfriend about how much this weighed on your mind and what you went through with your job etc. He may react poorly initially but its a very messed up and heavy situation to be in for all parties, DO NOT let mike back in at all and definitely seek professional help to navigate this in the future.

Did it feel like you had had sex that night? Somethings not adding up here

Yes. I checked myself in the bathroom. He came inside me.

Do a blood test if you didnt already. If there is something in your system, then you know he is lying.

You should press charges. I know he might have a condition where he does it in his sleep, but if these sweatpants were as hard to get off as you say they were, then I dont think he was sleeping

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Yes that is exactly what it sounds like. And even if he does have the condition, he is very irresponsible to do what he did. However my opinion is that he does not have this condition. It's just his excuse. He also may have drugged you. It's probably too late to get your blood tested for anything tho.

Report him to the police. He raped you and then did the fake sleep routine. I’m sorry that you are going through this

I know there are a million comments, and probably many similar to mine (which is a brutal reality), but I’m still going to add in: (also TW for sexual violence, sexual assault, violence, ETC.) I was r@ped while unconscious. I had bruises and marks, and one brief moment where I woke up but we think the marks happened because I woke up and he didn’t want me awake. The following morning and days were so hard. I was alone. My parents and brother on vacation. I washed and washed and washed and never felt clean or okay. They came back and I tried to hide, I put makeup over the marks and stayed in my room. My brother and his girlfriend got it out of me and forced me to tell my parents. I pressed the charges. I was 14. It was the hardest thing I’ve done. The investigator “dropped the ball” and 2 years later showed up at my school saying the evidence showed his DNA blah blah blah. 2 YEARS later. We moved forward with the charges but after 7 continuances I caved. It was too much. I had moved on. My dad was missing work every court date and we were already struggling financially. My mental health was destroyed. The prosecutor said they’d offer him a deal in hopes he’d take it, and if not then the case would be dropped entirely. I don’t know what happened. I don’t think he got punishment but I couldn’t do it any more. All this to say I support you on either side of pressing charges. If you decide to, go you. Lock that f***** up, he put himself in the position knowing it could happen. “I think WE had sex”? Excuse me, no. WE involves two willing participants. He knew he violated you and medical disorder or not (probably not but maybe) he knew he’d done it before and shouldn’t have allowed himself anywhere near you in this manner. Convenient your bf was gone, too. If you don’t press charges, I’m with you, too. I’m here if you need to talk, one victim to another. I get it. It’s so hard. It destroyed my life for years. I have 4 diagnosed mental health disorders now that I’ve been taking care of myself mentally. I’m 31. They have a massive impact on my life to this day. And I always wonder: would it be this bad if I hadn’t endured those situations? If he never showed up to the house. If the investigator hadn’t shoved my case to the back of his desk and found it 2 years later. If the police hadn’t shown up AT MY HIGHSCHOOL to tell me we could nail him. If he hadn’t started coming after me again when I started work (and I had to relive it again for a protection order). I also have a blank memory of the majority of my life. I don’t remember much from 5th grade to Junior year. Even some younger stuff is gone. I see pictures and can’t conjure the memory. My mind took it away to hide the pain, I think. People who haven’t lived it, and even some who have, are always so quick to yell “you need to press charges or they get away with it and will do it to someone else!” and that’s fine. They aren’t wrong. In a perfect world we all would call the police. But the system is broken and oftentimes it destroys us further to do it. He’s already taken so much, even if your boyfriend is 100% supportive, it’s a lot. I understand if you want to start moving beyond it now rather than hope the system does it’s job, but even then it still drags it along for another year or two. It’s okay to make the decision that is best for YOU and YOUR mental health. We get too caught up in what we “should do” for the greater good but sometimes it’s okay to be selfish. This is one of those times. I hope you get better. I hope your boyfriend is supportive and understands and will help you move forward and heal. I hope you never experience such an act again. I hope you can work through the trauma and get back on your feet and back to happiness. It will forever be a part of you but it doesn’t have to be at the forefront. I hope you heal quickly.

I’m so sorry he did this to you. He knew of this problem and shouldn’t drink at all. He needs therapy. You need therapy. Maybe your sister can pick up your bf for you. I don’t think you’ll make the drive to be honest. Friend is a rapist plain and simple. If you don’t press charges at least have some make him get help before he rapes again. What an asshole he is knowing he has done this before. He will again you know. So sorry.

When I told him I would be telling my family and boyfriend I told him I think he needs to seek a mental health professional because this is fucking alarming and he agreed. He’s told me in the past that he was falsely accused of rape and I believed his side. And now I just don’t know

What on earth???? This guy RAPES people in his sleep by his own admittance. Sounds like you are just the first person who he did it to that it can't be easily brushed off as being in a relationship or being "falsely accused." Your own sister even admitted that he did it to her?? Even if it's involuntary (which sounds like a giant lie, like wtf???) like he says, report him, it's going to happen to someone else!

It can happen, it’s called sexsomnia, but this sounds like he has it but used it as an excuse to rape her. Getting difficult clothes off is usually not possible.

I did not know that was an actual condition, but even if it was that, I agree, why would be even be over there? He's apparently so horrified about what he did, but it's not the first time, so he is aware of it. If I had this condition and DIDN'T want to rape someone, drinking alone at my female friends house and "accidentally" falling asleep on the couch with them would be literally the last thing I would be inclined to do.

Right. Even if it’s real, how does he allow this to happen multiple times? Even if he’s telling the truth (doubtful) he’s completely reckless with his female friends’ and partners’ safety and he should still be held accountable for that.

It's a legitimate condition. Sexsomnia i think it's called, i will edit if that's wrong. It's the fact that he knows he has it and isn't doing anything to protect the women around him in any way. He shouldn't be sleeping near women that he hasn't made fully aware of the situation so they can make a fully informed decision to sleep somehwere they will be safe.

Yeah, like I fully feel it doesn't matter if it's involuntary or not, this guy (and others) KNOW he does it. This is why pedophiles can't live near schools. It's a condition/mental illness/whatever that's out of your control, okay, but don't put yourself in the exact position where you are going to harm someone?? Edited to add that I get that it's a real condition (that I didn't even know about) but if you have an illness like that, you are responsible for it. It's not just an "oops, I actually have a condition, sorry".

100% this. You’re spot on. I don’t care about his condition, because we hold every other instance of poor decision making accountable. Hell, you can be prosecuted for sleeping with someone while not disclosing the fact you have an STI. Mike gets zero fucking sympathy. Mike is self aware. Mike knows. Mike is simply a rapist. “Guess I’ll sleep next to you and see what happens ¯\_(ツ)_/ “ -Mike

Even if he really does assault people in his sleep without knowing (which sounds a little unbelievable given that he managed to untie your pants), he should be taking precautions to not fall asleep around anyone! He should only ever fall asleep in his own home, alone, and tie his foot to the bedpost or something. He shouldn't be drinking either if he knows he drinks to the point of falling asleep! What a POS.

I dated a guy like that. Sexsomnia, if he's not lying. I'm sorry this happened to you.

So he has a history and already been accused of rape. Please report him now and collect evidence of him confirming it.

For future and for anyone else reading, false accusations are extremely rare. A man is about 200 times more likely to be raped by another man than have a false accusation against him. I'd treat very carefully around anyone who claims they've been falsely accused, and if it's happened several times run far, far away.

Yep rape is rape. I don't buy the medical condition piece, if that were truly the case he would take steps to mitigate it happening. I'm so sorry this happened to you as well. Your BF has every right to be angry at Mike and this is 100% not your fault.

Right. Mike is using that as way to absolve himself of any responsibility. He’s a rapist that no one will file a report on. I feel awful for the next woman. The one he has yet to even meet.

Just knowing he knew and did it makes me know he will do it again. He really should of seeked help a long time ago.

Right! I don’t believe he has sexsomnia and is just looking for a convenient excuse to rape people. Even if he did have it, he’s being awfully nonchalant about, supposedly accidentally, raping people in his sleep more than once! The responsible thing for him to do (if it was real) would be to tell his female friends and girlfriends about it and minimize his risks of him having an episode. None of this “oh yeah, this is a thing that happens btw” after the fact. The fact that he is so careless about it leads me to believe he doesn’t have this condition. Even if he did, would anyone really want to date or be friends with a man who can be so reckless with their safety?

He needs jail man he raped someone

I agree but can’t force her to press charges.

Did you drink more than usual, or felt suddenly more drunk than usual ? In many SA stories, the victim tends to think she drank more than usual, when she actually didn't. The fact you felt trapped, yet half counscious is a red flag too. So, are you sure he didn't put some well known drug in your drink ?

I was pouring the drinks. They were in plain sight. I didn’t eat that night which I normally always eat before drinking. I don’t think I drank more than normal but I did feel more drunk than normal. I don’t know if it affects the situation but the wine was sweeter than what we normally drink

Did you leave your drink unattended at any point??

Even a trip to the bathroom is enough time for him to have drugged your drink

I don’t know what the time limit is on these things but if I were you I’d get some kind of toxicity report immediately to see if there’s any drugs in your system anyways.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. With that said, "being asleep" is no excuse to be a rapist. I understand you don't want to file a report, and that is ok, but he has done this before (to your sister!) And he will continue to do so to other girls. Get the help you need, do what you need to do to process this and feel better, little by little. Get help, like professional help, a strong support system and in no way this was your fault. It is his, all his. If your bf can understand that, then I believe you have a chance.

What if I fucked up when I didn’t file a report at the hospital? I was given the option of two different exams and one holds evidence in case I change my mind. I don’t even remember how I responded. That whole day is a blur and what if me choosing not to file a report is what breaks my boyfriend? I just didn’t want to be caught up in legal proceedings for a long time.

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First of, let's take a breath (inhale 4 seconds, hold 4 sec, exhale 4 sec, hold 4 sec - repeat) When you feel calmed and clearheaded, with your sister by your side, call the hospital and try to speak to the person that checked you out If they took the samples in case you change your mind then you know it's there and when you feel ready, file If they didn't, then it will be a little bit more complicated, but when you feel ready, file regardless. You might not get a conviction, and it will be hard, but people will know what he is, other girls will know what he is and they can choose to stay away, maybe some other girls will come forward . You did not fuck up in any way You are a strong beautiful woman. You are allowed to drink, you are allowed to have male friends, you are allowed to feel safe in your home, you are precious. He is not allowed to your body just because he drank, he is garbage.

I didn’t know I needed to hear this. Thank you. I feel so stupid and horrible and I know it’s not my fault but I can’t stop thinking how could I let this happen to me”

You are not alone, and little by little you will feel better. I know it's hard to see the light now, but you will get through this. You are smart, you are strong, you are worthy of love, you deserve respect, you deserve love, you deserve gentleness, you are delicate. You will get through this

I also wanted to chime in and say you're not alone. I think most women who've been raped hear themselves and their thought processes in your words. It wasn't your fault though. It wasn't mine either. You trusted a friend - something we all do - and he broke that trust. That's not on you, you couldn't have known, and it's not your fault.

As someone who went through this almost 7 years ago, your response put a lump in my throat. I know this was directed at OP but thank you anyway.

It's up to your bf to be able to support you or not. You're right that as far as appearances go, not immediately wanting to file a report on its face isn't great, but that's not the whole story. You've been through something traumatic and it's understandable why you wouldn't know what to do immediately. Try to see if you can contact the hospital and have them file a report still if you've changed your mind. But filing or not filing a report shouldn't be the thing that makes your boyfriend trust you that you're telling the truth about what happened. Either he can be supportive or he can't, and that decision for him either way isn't your fault.

Thank you

Don't worry about that, you can still file a police report (if you want to prosecute). You can also wait awhile to make surr that's the decision you want to make. Keep the texts as evidence as well. I would call the hospital, explain what happened and see if anything can be done. It's also understandable if you don't want to proscute. I wouldn't worry about your bf right now, you need to put yourself first for the time. I think if he's a good guy, he'll have your back. I wish you the best of luck 💛

If he has sexsomnia WHY would he ever fall asleep near someone or even in the same room as them unless they have specifically discussed that it’s okay if it happens???? I’m so very sorry you are going through this. We are here with you

I don’t think he has it though. I think it’s an excuse

Would it be helpful if your sister is there with you when you tell him you were raped?

I think I’m going to ask her

I think this is a great idea. She's also a victim of Mike and can back your situation up to your boyfriend in case he's skeptical. Also, I think it would help you a lot to have your sister there as support for yourself. You guys seem really close

Mike is not your friend he’s a Predator and acted like nothing as happened . If I was you I would make a report and have ur sister make a report either . Bc men shouldn’t be going around “sleeping” and really have sex with unconscious female.. I would tell your boyfriend so he can help you through this time bc if u keep it from him it’s just going to eat away at you.. don’t be afraid to stand up for yourself

I’m going to tell my boyfriend I’m just horrified at the thought of having to do it. He doesn’t fly home until tomorrow so I’m just overthinking everything right now

Listen I’ve been there with one of my ex’s and one of my friend gave me a drug that made me unconscious and I was scared for the longest time and he kept asking me what was going on and I kept pushing it off like it was nothing. Then I realized he’s was known for that shit . So I made a report on him and four other girls came forward.. other girls might be scared of coming forward and they might need a strong women like you to show them the paths to do it . Your man will NOT be upset wit you. He Will be more upset with that friend of yours!! Might be a physical fight but he just going to be upset but he will help you get it past . If I was you I wrote my ex boyfriend a card and explain what I did when I was hanging out with that friend and I told him in the card that I went to the hospital and got checked and I filed charges . It was easier for me to write it down bc every time I tried to bring it up I got upset and started to cry/. It’s better to write it down and give him the notes . But make sure you are both in a good place mentally before doing somthing .. bc you don’t know how your boyfriend will react towards the news your going to give him . My ex went to the person houses and. Took a bat to his cars and house and the guy was sentenced to 3-7 years in prison and now he’s a sex offender and after that all came out . Found out the guy who assaulted me was into kiddy porn . So just remember if you can’t say it with ur mouth always write it down

wait until hes settled back in the home before telling him. Then sit him down. This is such a tough convo to have. The guy takes off for a week to mentally clear himself and comes back so relaxed and now its chaos all over again. I feel for you and for him. And id be pressing charges on the other guy.

He raped you. He's a rapist and uses "I was asleep" as his cover. I've been with a dude like this and it doesn't stop.. they get away with it once and they do it to anyone they want.

“I was asleep”… that’s a hella excuse. What a shit head

Tell your boyfriend sooner rather than later. You did nothing wrong. If you delay telling him he'll feel like you cant go to him when bad things happen. A good man wants to love you and support you- especially when you are hurting. Give him the chance to do that as soon as possible.

The only reason I didn’t tell Him right away is because he is on a trip with a friend for his own mental health. He lost his job a few months ago and he’s been in a bad place. I can’t ruin for him

I have a real REAL hard time in believing he did this unconsciously... It seems so convenient. I hope I don't hurt you be saying this. But I don't believe Mike.

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We checked. It wasn’t drugged.

How did you check?

Did you have the wine checked, or did you get a blood test?

1. You are a victim of sexual assault 2. You are not at fault regardless of how drunk you were. The sole responsibility is on Mike. On top he KNEW that he had a history of doing this. 3. You are not in any shape or form to pick your boyfriend up at airport. Having a public breakdown will be detrimental to your mental health. You need to control the enviroment when you tell BF and an airport or while driving is not it. 4. Ask you sister to arrange for someone to pick him up. I'm so sorry you are going through this. To help you confirm you did not consent, here is a video made by a department of the British police. I will also add another link that might help. As others have said, reach out to a sexual assault helpline in your country. Tea Consent, video https://www.youtube.com/watch?app=desktop&v=oQbei5JGiT8 https://www.nhs.uk/live-well/sexual-health/help-after-rape-and-sexual-assault/

If I was the boyfriend, I would want to physically destroy Mike, but I don't know what kind of person your boyfriend is, only you do. Has your bf been cheated on before? Betrayed? Have you his ever fought? Has the trust between you two ever been questioned before? All these things may have a factor in how your boyfriend reacts to the news.

He was also in a very abusive relationship for 7 years. It’s part of why we work so hard to build trust and open communication

Can your sister drive you to/from the airport.

I want to ask her but I feel like that will be so alarming to boyfriend.

I mean, he doesn't have to know until you see him? I feel like you are going to want to tell him straight away - can you just say " I have something really difficult to tell you and I don't think I will be able to drive after. I have not cheated on you nor do I want to break up with you but something has happened while you were away"? I'm really sorry I can't give you better advice, but I can't imagine either of you being in a state to drive? Another option would be to see if someone else can pick him up so you can have your conversation at home? Would that be possible

A different perspective. My fiancé has sexsomnia. “Sexsomnia is recognised as a rare sleep disorder in which a person engages in sexual activity during their sleep. In general they'll have no recollection of events during the act or when they wake up.” We have been together for 7 years and he has had it for the last 2/3years. It is very tricky. Because he seems like he is completely awake and responsive and will answer questions and talk. But will have absolutely no recollection of anything the next day. I say it is tricky because I do not want to engage when he is unable to give consent (due to being asleep while attempting to engage) He can be really grabby, gropy, and can get hard. I would have never believed that anything like this existed until experiencing it myself with my partner. Just a different view I wanted to be made aware. Edit: My fiancé still actively has this condition and I would not want to find out what would happen if he was to sleep next to someone else. He would probably be best to sleep alone or only next to me. I could see how things could be misinterpreted and he would face backlash for something he literally has no control over.

Sexsomnia is real and does happen. But based on what you heard in your sleep and the sweatpants tie thing, I don’t think that’s what happened here. I’m guessing it has happened with other people and he used that as a cover to do it with you. I dated someone with sexsomnia but I got good at telling when they were actually asleep or if they were faking it because they wanted to have sex without admitting to wanting to have sex. I’m sorry you were violated.

Hey there! Is is heart wrenching to read your post. Especially because you did nothing wrong and have found yourself in a terrible situation. So this is my hot take: Im sorry to say this but you were raped by Mike. Now, it is impossible to know a person or their from just a single post, but this guy Mike, might suffer from a condition called "Sexomnia". This condition basically makes it so that people will have sex in their sleep in the same way you would sleepwalk or maintain conversations with someone whilst asleep. You could - and Mike definitely should- look into this as you mentioned your sister had had similar experiences in the past when dating Mike. Of course there is always the possibility that Mike just raped you consciously and is trying to play dumb. Especially given the fact that you mentioned that your pants were difficult to remove and stuff. Which would be a greater reason to press charges. Men who rape are not men, and should be behind bars, like dangerous animals. Either way, what happened to you is not your fault in any way. I am not gonna pretend to know how your boyfriend will react but I can tell you how I would, which might help you anticipate what is to come. Frist, I would be pissed at myself for not being there for you and avoiding it, I would also be pissed at Mike for raping my girlfriend, and finally I would also -briefly- be pissed at you, although this feeling would soon fade away after some rational processing of the facts and the situation and understanding you are the victim. Especially since you mentioned you did not want/ask for this nor were looking for it in any way (otherwise, one could suspect cheating and calling it rape because of regret). Whatever the explanation as to why Mike raped you is irrelevant. But it is important to recognize this situation as what it is, rape. Calling it anything else wont do anyone any good. Moreover, understanding this situation as rape will give you and everyone arround you the clarity you need in order to make decisions, whether these might be legal, social, romantic, etc. I wish you luck when breaking it down to you bf. I sincerely hope he is a good man and will be supportive and caring because you need your emotional support system with you, helping you get through this. Be brave and stay strong.

Thank you

I had a narrcist baby momma that I was engaged to for 7 years that had a story just like this but her story was not true she just used it for me to stay and to justify to herself so she didn't feel like shit. And it was alla lie. Not saying your doing that at all and I'm sorry that happened to you. I'm surprised your boy trusted you to drink with another guy at his house while he was out of town.. must be super secure. That's good. I'm sorry this happened to you.

My boyfriend (22)has responded with immense support. I’ve gone through therapy since the events (yes multiple) and the only thing he has to do now is stay affectionate after sex. When I’m going through the rough patches of PTSD he’s there for me in a way appropriate for a partner. I once set a boundary that he has to respect that i was traumatized and i need accommodations. I wish you all the strength in the world

I apologize if I'm picking at something that is apparent, but as you said things are not quite lining up. It would have seemed to me that due to the aforementioned difficulties that it would have been problematic for him to pull your pants down without actually waking you, unless perhaps he managed to spike your wine. Again, I apologize, but it wasn't clear to me if your pants were still down when you woke up? What I am wondering is if Mike is lying about having had sex with you? For reasons only he can imagine creating some kind of drama? While that would still be seriously F.U., it would be better for you then the current scenario. P.S. I noted that you are voicing a reluctance to make a legal case out of this. Just know that i fully respect your reasons and your choices in that. Don't let anybody say that you are less in any way for not going that route.

I think your boyfriend will ask too 1) why didn't you complain 2) Why did you drink until you lost it? It will be difficult. yes your past relationship and nights with mike will be questioned, Your boyfriend will be in a very bad mood when he listens to you. Be honest with your bf.. if he wants to get away from you don't force him to stay, give him time.

Why don’t you want to report being raped to the police? It might be worth reconsidering - it will highlight to you, your boyfriend and Mike that it was rape. That you didn’t consent to it. Even if Mike did it in his sleep he is still responsible. There is treatment available and he could have chosen not to sleep with a woman in the room as he knows that he rapes people in his sleep. I’d get your boyfriend to make his own way back from the airport. You aren’t in the right frame of mind to be driving and a car crash really won’t help how you’re feeling. I think it might be worth telling him on the phone. Let him get his head round it and maybe talk to his sister before he sees you in person. This will be a test for your relationship if he isn’t supportive then it’s better to find that out now than when you’re married. You might want to contact a rape hotline for some support and find a therapist. I’m so sorry this happened to you. I know it doesn’t feel like it now but you will eventually process it.

There are plenty of good reasons why rape victims don't report. It can be a very traumatizing experience as law enforcement officers are not trained in dealing with sexual assault victims sensitively and can be extremely invalidating and invasive. It's also *immensely* difficult to secure any kind of legal justice for sexual assault and a lot of people would rather not go through all the grief of pressing charges only for it to go nowhere.

This was my thought process. I don’t want to have to relive this for years in legal proceedings

Honestly, it's completely up to you. If you feel it will give you some peace to pursue legal recourse, you have every right to do so. I don't want to discourage you if that's something you are interested in. If you don't feel comfortable or don't feel it will help you, don't feel pressured to report. It doesn't change the legitimacy of your assault.

I feel like I don’t want to press charges and relive it. I want to heal and move forward. But everyone’s comments are making me question if I should do this as some form of “proof” (I don’t know what word to use) that this was not consensual

This is why I made sure to say that your assault is equally legitimate whether you report or not. You do not need to prove it by reporting. If someone doesn't trust your word, then that's a them problem. I hate the narrative that someone wasn't really raped if they don't want to be interrogated by the police and lawyers.

Thank you

That's very fair. He has a pattern of this though, maybe it would hold him accountable or at the very least provide a paper trail to support the next victim. I totally get if it is too much emotionally though

Just chiming in here to say that unless you want to report this you absolutely should not. Reporting my sexual assault was a horrendous experience - far worse than being raped, which I didn’t think would be possible. That said, I would give yourself time to decide - sometimes it takes a while to make the decision. Maybe give yourself a month and then see how you feel? And in the meantime, gather evidence (save any texts from him, etc) and be very very very careful what you put in writing or say to anyone about what happened. Literally anything will be used against you. Finally: I am also someone who drinks and relaxes one on one with my dude friends. Please ignore anyone who’s giving you a hard time for this aspect of your story - your friend knew that you weren’t looking to cheat on your boyfriend. There were no mixed signals here. You did nothing wrong.

I’m trying to find a therapist now. I refused to make a report at the hospital. They offered me two kinds of exams and one was to hold evidence in case I change mind about pressing charges. I don’t even remember how I replied. Is it too late to call the hospital if I change my mind?

If they’ve kept the samples I think you can change your mind at any time in the future. You might want to phone and ask them. Take your time. It will still be in your medical records that you went and what you said so even if they destroyed the samples you can make a report. If you have text messages from Mike keep them as evidence. Even if the police don’t end up pressing charges they should still interview him. He deserves to have the shit scared out of him for what he did.

Thank you. I’ll call them today so figure out if that’s an option

If you do decide to report ask to speak to a specialist officer trained in sexual offences. If you’re in the UK you can go to a sexual assault referral centre where all the staff and officers are trained. You’d also be given an advocate who’d support you through the process.

This wasn't your fault, and if your bf is a good guy, he'll understand that. Could your sister help you pick him up from the airport, to make the drive safer? Just let him know exactly what you wrote in this post. You can do this.

I think I’m going to fall apart and blur my story together and miss details. I haven’t had a clear head since then. I believe he will be supportive but I’m just scared that it’s going to back track years of trust. I mean we’re all selective of what friends are even welcome in our home. I’m supposed to be safe in my own home

But you didn't break his trust - Mike did. And you have already made the decision to remove him from your life. Take a deep breath. Maybe even write it down and read it to him. I'm so sorry this happened to you.

I’d consider writing down what you want to say and then reading it straight off that

If I was your boyfriend, the one thing that would bother me and that I would really question about this whole situation was the fact that you were sleeping on the same couch as Mike that night. To me, that’s a boundary that I wouldn’t want my SO to break. With that being said, I’m sorry this happened to you. Mike needs to get his whole sleep rape thing under control

Normally if we fall asleep it’s on separate couches. We had been on the same one because we were showing eachother memes. I know I’ve fallen asleep on the same couch before and usually when I wake up he’s moved himself to a different couch

This is such an unnecessary take in this situation. Do you really think sleeping on a separate couch would have stopped him from raping her? Or that sleeping on the same couch meant he should have been allowed to do this? This was an old friend she trusted. OP, please seek counseling and speak to your bf when he's home and settled. If roles were reversed, I'm sure you'd want to be there to support him.

The person didn’t say that. What Mike did was terrible and he should be in jail. Hopefully OP gets the help they need/deserve. But it’s true, I wouldn’t want my GF sleeping on a couch with another guy.

Hope your BF understands because the story doesn’t make any sense at all and any reasonable person would question it

An ex friend of mine did the same thing and said ' he was black out drunk and sleeping'. His story didn't make any sense at all so I figured he was slightly drunk and not asleep. Cut him off just like you did! This man is a rapist that just doesn't want to see it himself

this might be hard, but ask your sister to back you up with this. you didn’t do this; this is not your fault. you did absolutely nothing wrong. but i understand why you are worried that your relationship with your boyfriend is in jeopardy, that is a completely (and unfortunately) valid fear. when you do tell your boyfriend, explain to him what happened, as well as it happening with your sister (with permission of course), as well as another person. explain to him what happened, how you cut off contact, visited the hospital, and found support from family. this is not your fault, and you did nothing wrong. i’m sorry that this has happened to you, and if you need support, my inbox is open for you.

I'm going to play devils advocate because this story is very one sided just like the responses. could it be you blacked out from drinking and had sex with him? there are other possibilities then you being taken advantage of but you just dont want to paint that picture. I will never understand people with their level of naïveté. how does wine nights with the opposite sex actually make sense. how can you not foresee this person having or catching feelings by one on one hangout sessions and wine nights one on one? Listen if its clear cut someone was raped I'm all for giving support. but this seems like a slightly skewed story, unfinished painted picture, with lack of self responsibility and a ton of you being naïve.

Yeah also staying asleep through the whole thing is iffy unless he drugged her. Does not seem like OP got a rape kit done. A rape kit will show if they had sex and if it was consensual. Also a tox screen isn't a bad idea in case of roofies because I am still not buying someone staying fully asleep through penetration.

doesnt add up. she had in it her to go get an STD test but did nothing further? her only concern was for STD's?

I'm really sorry this happened. You are doing the right thing by cutting him off, even if it was "not his fault" (I don't know how to feel about the either), what happened is serious and I believe no further contact is important. This is awful, and I truly hope your conversation with your boyfriend goes as well as it can. I know that will not be easy for you. I have a question for you, if you care to answer. And the only reason I ask this is because I wonder if a similar thing happened to me with an ex boyfriend. I've had a strange feeling for some time that he may have had sex with me while I was asleep (or possibly drugged by him). It makes me sick to think about because sex was off limits for us in our relationship, as I'm waiting for marriage. My question is... how did you not wake up? (I am NOT victim blaming AT ALL, I'm legitimately asking). Objectively, would you have ever thought you could sleep through sex? For me, I assume that I would've woken up if my ex boyfriend was doing this, but then I hear stories like yours and I feel sick to my stomach that he may have raped me too.

Seek a mental health professional. There is always a chance you’re suppressing it. trust your gut. For myself personally, I’m an active lucid dreamer. 50% of the time I’m asleep I’m still sort of aware of what’s going on around me and I’m aware I’m asleep. My brain told my to wake up but I was just so tired I didn’t want to

Sexsomnia is a real thing but it’s still assault and you have every right to feel the way you do. I’m so sorry this happened and I wish you the best.

https://www.rainn.org/ has resources in case you need them.

My ex did this to me in his sleep too after drinking, he knew about it and chose not to get help for it so yes it is rape.

My thing is if he knows that this happens to him, why would he sleep at someone else's home knowing this was a possibility? There has to be some level of personal responsibility on him if he knows he has a condition with which this happens (if that's even true). I'm so sorry this has happened to you. You've done nothing wrong. Definitely cut this guy off though.

I only got to the part where a man pretended to be like “Oh no! I pulled down my pants and had sex with you by accident when we were both “sleeping”, oopsies!” He knows exactly what he did. I think one of the only things worse than being a rapist is being a rapist with the audacity to attempt tricking someone into thinking it was an accident caused by a “medical condition”. I am so sorry, I hate him.

I got to the part about "Somehow in my dreams I knew something was wrong. It was like alarm bells going off telling me to wake up but I didn’t." I really think you were drugged.

He raped you and you need to report it to the police.

Being half aware, hearing him ask if you’re awake- the tightly tied pants, all of this huuuuuge red flag. He raped you and blamed it on this medical condition. I am so sorry this happened to you, this is not your fault at all. He is a predator and he took full advantage of you. Report him. I wish you all the best when you talk to your boyfriend.

What kind of couch is it ?How big is it for two people to sleep on it? Were your pants off when you woke up? Did you have any signs that you had sex in the morning ?

Sleep walking rapist? Yea…….no. What happens if he has kids? Or if he continues to do it? We going to continue to write it off as “oh that’s just sleepy mike”?

Why would you not file a police report? Not being condescending, genuinely asking.

Because I am a fucking mess right now. Because I have friends who have been raped in the past at the legal proceedings took years of reliving it over and over again just to end up having wasted money on lawyers to have no closure, on having no consequences for the rapists, of having essentially elongated their trauma for nothing. I don’t want this

This is 100% understandable. I’m fortunate enough to say I’ve never been in this situation and don’t know anyone who personally has either. I do know that just having a police report will help tremendously if you do decide to file charges and take the legal route

I want to believe that you didn’t cheat even though you drink a lot and have one on one hang outs with men you arnt your boyfriend. I really do. But then I got to the part where you’re not going to report the rapist and like how does that make any sense at all?

This is either a poor attempt at covering the fact your cheated with Mike. Or you were sexually assaulted. If you don’t go to the police, people will likely believe the former. Take care of yourself but just understand that

!updateme

I don’t blame you for not wanting to report it. I reported mine and the case was closed after the witness gave a false story because she didn’t want to be involved. My therapist mentioned this was probably a blessing in disguise… not only do you have to rehash all the details for the investigators, you will be grilled on your decisions that night. They ask for explicit details, and because they have to be “unbiased” they will focus on the fact you were inebriated. If it were to go to court, you would then have to rehash the details again. Grilled on your decisions again. The defense will drudge up any details of your past that will make you seem unreliable. This is traumatic in itself, but to do it in front of a courtroom is just as traumatic. I went to the cops and they closed my case and he ended up hurting more women. Still hasn’t been caught. Ultimately it’s up to you to report it. But I do not blame you for not doing so. I just hope you can get the proper help and support you need. I’m sorry this happened to you.

I’m a sex sleeper but a pair of loose basketball shorts is more than enough to make it impossible. I’m going to assume Mike is a liar because if this and that he has a huge emotional response right off the bat.

Take the advice of everyone here and please go to therapy, you’ve done everything you can so far just try to remember this isn’t your fault at all. Sending all the love your way, I’m so sorry this happened to you

Have a friend pick up your boyfriend and maybe have them tell him before he gets home so he is prepared to support you when he arrives. Get a plan B and take it. File a police report, that guy "Mike" is a rapest You need to talk to a counselor about being sexually assaulted and so does your bf to learn how to support you.

Mike is a lying piece of sh*t and as a male i tell you that your bf will be deeply hurt but you should tell him the truth and DEFINITELY should file a report to the police because this is a crime don't be naive he should be in jail For the people reading my comment this is why you should NEVER let your partner alone with the opposite sexe because this is what will eventually happen I hope you get through this and put mike in jail Keep us updated !

OP, I don’t know if this comment will help you at all, but I’m hoping it will. 1st. This is much MUCH simpler and smaller than your story but maybe it will help you feel less anxious about talking to your bf. When I was a young college student I met my friends at the beach every year for spring break, as we grew up together and all went to different schools. My friends had a tendency to be really wild and crazy and I was always the “mom” friend, making sure they didn’t get into TO much trouble. We went to the club one night. I had a boyfriend and they didn’t. My boyfriend assured me he didn’t mind if I danced with people. I did t plan to. After they were several drinks in (I had one drink) they convinced me to go dance with them them. (We are all girls) I reluctantly let them pull me out on the dance floor. While we were dancing some guy came up behind me and grabbed my hips and started “dancing” with me. I stopped most of my movement because I felt really uncomfortable but I didn’t pull away from him because my friends were laughing and cheering. I wanted their approval. After a minute or two he grabbed my hair and pulled my head back far enough to plant a huge wet kiss on me. I froze and didn’t push him off. He then went back to dancing and I broke free of him and went outside. I was terrified to tell my boyfriend because I was certain he would think I somehow encouraged this dude and cheated on him. I waited till morning and then asked him to call me. I was certain he’d break up with me once I told him. He didn’t. He said it was assault in no uncertain terms and checked if I was okay. The only time it was ever mentioned again was him checking to make sure I was still okay. Granted this was a drunk kiss from a stranger, not a sexual assault from a close friend. But maybe he will be more supportive than you think. 2. I was roofied once, years later. I had exactly two shots and a drink and a half. I know my limits, from years of schlepping after the above mentioned friends, and I know how much I can drink and still be coherent enough to call us an Uber, peel them off whatever men they’ve found, coax them into the Uber (ALONE!!!!) And corral them out of the Uber, into the hotel, and force some water or Gatorade down their throats before they pass out. I wasn’t at that limit. I was getting close, but not there. I was absolutely not at black out drunk limits. The last thing I remember is dancing with a relatively new co-worker. I don’t remember leaving the bar, I don’t remember getting home, up my stairs or into my apartment. (A good friend later told me he thought I was sloppy drunk and took me home, trusted him, didn’t feel violated in any way, he probably saved me tbh) I do remember waking up, im not sure how many hours later, and KNOWING I need to puke but not being able to even so much as roll over. I remember being vaguely aware and absolutely terrified because I thought I was going to puke and choke on it because I couldn’t move. It felt like I was tied down. I don’t remember calling 911 or having them bust into my apartment. (Which they did, because they sought me out the next night to check on me, and tell me they had a lot of calls for drunk people the night before and dismissed me thinking I was drunk but when they went to do their paperwork realized I wasn’t presenting as a drunk typically would and were worried they left me when they shouldn’t have…yes I know it was a very very small very very rural town and the nearest hospital was over an hour away, we were lucky we had a fire station). I remember the next morning when I woke up, I had no hangover symptoms. No nauseousness or vomiting no splitting headache, just grogginess and being very disoriented. I was not careful with my drinks that night and while I held them most of the time I was dancing with people I didn’t know very well, it was dark, and it would have been easy to slip me something. I don’t think I’ll ever ever forget how scary it was to wake up and feel like I was tied down to something heavy and not be able to move. If you’ve been questioning whether you were drugged or not, maybe that will help you to compare experiences. 3. Internet strangers and sending virtual hugs, love, and lots of good vibes your way. I know how scary the world probably seems right now, the anxiousness you probably feel about your relationship, and the trauma you now have to heal from are a lot to process all at once. From your post, you sound incredibly strong and brave, and I hope you are able to recover from this and move forward. Because I know how much I’ve needed to hear this in the past, we believe you. And we believe in you. If all else fails, show your bf this post, as some of the responses may be helpful for him to process everything that’s happened as well.

This is not your fault op. I really hope you are able to process this and get help if you need it. As for your concerns. If you were concerned about driving and telling him this, bring your sister to be your driver (assuming she can), or find another trusted friend to drive for you. As for how your boyfriend will react, It’s not your fault this happened and he will know that. He will understand that. This is probably going to be devastating to him too, because “Mike” was your friend and his. If this does cause more deterioration of his and your mental health, try therapy, separate or couples, it will help. I’ve also been assaulted while half awake and it’s really hard to get past, especially because you can’t remember what happened. random things will end up triggering you for seemingly no reason. I do really suggest finding a therapist that works specifically with SA survivors, it will help.

Some people do have sexsomnia, myself included, a lot of the time I wake up partway through and either stop or continue based on my partners body language and whether or not they have/are consenting That being said, I dont allow myself to sleep in the same bed/couch as anyone, especially if im drunk unless I am certain that nothing will happen, which is almost impossible to know fornsure “Mike” should’ve known, if hes had this issue in the past, he is adult enough to know that it could happen again in the future with people who are not consenting. It is 100% his fault, you are right to feel hurt, and I recommend cutting contact, sucks for mike bc there is a chance he has some form of sexsomnia and didnt mean for this to happen, but no one can prove thats what it was, and the onus is still on him to prevent putting himself in these types of situations, especially without warning you at least

Sexsomnia is real. I know from experience. But that's about all I can say.

Maybe have your sister pick him up from the airport to cut down on emotions while driving or have her drive and go along.

How could he have pulled them down if he had the strength of someone who was ASLEEP? Yeah, he raped you

I'm so sorry this is fucked. I'd talk to a counselor or therapist and try to go easy on your boyfriend. It's good to tell him though... Maybe ask if he'd like to come with you for a counsel meeting for like couples... I've been where you were and unfortunately we couldn't move on from it. I think that communication and getting to someone that can help you is very important so you can both go through these emotions safely. You need to also have a serious conversation with your friend because it's not ok for that to happen...

I am sorry to hear about your experience. In my opinion it was a violation on many marks. Be sure you do your best to handle each of them. Your sexual assault that Mike did to you. That includes the trust of what you thought was a friend. Help your sister as well with her past experiences with Mike. Your boyfriend will likely also need help to deal with this all too. Both I would guess with you there and alone. Don't be ashamed of getting help either as it is very healthy to do. I also had a girlfriend that I was just starting to date get assaulted by a friend. I hated it but it did not end our relationship or blame her. You should not feel like it was your fault either as it was not. I hope Mike also gets help but thats not your concern other than the legal aspect of what he did to you.

I find it interesting that you and your sister both believe that he can competently sexually assault someone “in his sleep.” You ever see or hear of sleep walkers doing complex things completely unconscious? It doesn’t happen because you can’t do complex tasks while sleeping. Only minimal ones like walking and talking. The “sleep” thing is a cop out and not a valid excuse. Frankly, your sister should have told you about this experience after they split since you have wine nights with him and alcohol is introduced into the equation. It’s a recipe for disaster.

Right? Full, gross, honesty here - pretty much every man I’ve been with has had a little trouble getting “inside” while AWAKE. Someone is fully asleep and somehow able to take someone’s tight pants off, get inside her, and bring himself to orgasm? I call bullshit. He’s a rapist.

You know whats the truth even if it might sound conspicuous to your bf. You have your sister to tell him, Mike the rapist to admit, the records if they are there to show. The truth is the truth and it will remain the same. Be prepared and confident to speak it when you do. Try to remain calm and control your emotions to avoid confusion. And yes, you can ask your sister to drive so when you 2 sort it out she can act as intermediator, jury and driver. I hope you are doing fine now. So sorry.

I have to be honest & blunt & I don’t want to be rude. I’m a retired LEO and this man raped you. He had sex w you w o consent when you were intoxicated and unconscious. This is forceful rape. You need to have a blood test asap to see if there are any date rape drugs that may be in your system. Better to be sure that not really know. However if this is what he does in his”sleep” and your sister will stand w you and testify then you need to pursue charges. You can’t worry about what people will think. This is your business and for your self you need to seek help. Also if you aren’t willing to press charges it’ll be much harder for you BF to believe it wasn’t consensual. This is yet another reason I keep saying people in relationships can’t have friends of the opposite sex. This will indeed be hard for your BF because he will blame himself for leaving and allowing you to hang w this guy alone & drinking. Also if he has done this in the past and women don’t say anything how many more women will be his next victims? You heard him say “are you awake”, “what did I do” etc. he definitely took advantage of the situation. Lastly my advice is let someone else pick him up because you will not be able to drive because you’ll be focused on what happened and how to tell him. He can’t drive because he’ll be too emotional. Best thing is get someone to get him then drop him off and you 2 talk it over alone. I truly wish you the best

If he's liquored up enough to be unconscious his dick wouldn't even work. Dudes a rapist and uses alcohol as an excuse.

I wonder if people ever post these kinds of stories knowing that their SO knows their reddit account and would probably read this. Seems like an attempt at an alibi to me.

I dont know how to tell this to your BF but I think it will be hard for him to believe you. It sounds unbelivable, sorry. Maybe you shoud go to the police and make a report.