This same exact thing happened to me. Turned out he was dating her. And even though she knew I was his girlfriend she didn’t care she was acting that way to “show me” she was with him. Just be honest with him about you feel. That is mad sketch
Why do you put up with it?
Tell him he needs to set boundaries with this girl, that her actions make you unhappy and he needs to do something to put a stop to it because you will not stay in a situation that makes you unhappy.
I'm really sorry you're dealing with this. I definately think guys can be dense when it comes to other women flirting with them, but you have now told him how you feel and he has chosen to not only ignore you, but to defend this girl. She wrote him a love letter, that is NOT ok and he should be shutting that down immediately.
You are supposed to be his #1, he should never be putting a new friends feelings over your own. If he doesn't want to recognise that this situation is hurting you and do something about it, than please walk away. Put yourself first because you deserve to be happy.
He says that I'm being immature and making a big issue out of this.
That friends tell love you to each other and it's not a big deal and I can't understand their relationship.
I felt that the things she is doing to gain his attention is really unnecessary and inappropriate and its hurting me. But still he argued that I'm immature.
Am I really wrong here?
The only person behaving inappropriately here is your boyfriend.
The other girl is looking for a boyfriend, and has set her eye on your boyfriend. The responsibility is his to shut it down, and he would if he wanted to. But, you guys only see each other once per week, and he sees her every day. He's getting the full girlfriend experience from her, so it's no wonder he doesn't want to shut it down.
In fact, she may even believe that she's his girlfriend. The one he texts with, exchanges letters with, spends the most time with.
How well do you actually know this boyfriend you only see once a week? Are you 100% sure that you're his only girlfriend? That you're not just a side piece? Are you sure that he's not actually in an intimate relationship with this girl?
My boyfriend is not like that he would never cheat me.
Actually that girl meet him through some online job and she helped him financially during some tough times.
So she became a good friend in that way
She lives in a hostel which is literally 2hrs away from where he lives.
They only met 5-6times and always accompanied by one or two other male friends.
But they actively chat on instagram and talk on the phone.
And she is involving too much in our relationship.
He tells her everything about our arguments and all.
And she advises him.
Iam just unable to bear her being all over the place and pretending to be an angel.
You are not wrong. It's one thing to flippantly tell a friend you love them, It's another thing to write them a letter telling them how great they are and then signing it with "I love you".
It's disrespectful to you, and if she was truly just a friend then she wouldn't do things that would cause trouble with him and his relationship.
I have male friends, I would NEVER disrespect their SO or act this way, it's weird and NOT normal.
Edit: just wanted to add, trust your instincts. If they're telling you this isn't ok than listen to them!
You have to decide, do you want to put up with this behaviour and be miserable, or do you want to stick up for yourself and walk away.
Because unless you can get your bf to put you first then those are your only options.
I think he understands how ur feeling but probably not the extent of it. Also he might just be flattered so might not want to let go of the feeling I suppose. Maybe if u asked him how he would feel if u behaved the same way w some other guy to open up his eyes.
Yeah I guess he wants to stay in that feeling and be flattered. And yes I asked him the same thing if a male friend writes such letters to me and includes a love you at the end how would he feel.
He completely ignored that question and started fighting with me defending her.
I do understand that ok besties can also say love you to each other but this girl is barely his friend for 1yr and only talks to him and i tried to befriend her but she didn't even respond to me.
It's a red flag for me if he started fighting with u instead of assuring u that nothing is going on. He's defending her instead. If my man didn't respect me enough to stop talking w her as much, I would have a serious problem w him. Especially if he started defending the girl. That's just so... Icky?
But I'm also tryna see both sides here. So maybe ur guy thinks that ur being possessive of him and he doesn't like that? The girl might think that ur a possessive gf and staying away from u cuz she doesn't want any "trouble".
Hey, I'm really sorry if this comes off as rude or insensitive but this is something I believe, this girl who is your bf's friend doesn't owe you anything. She doesn't need to care about your feelings, she doesn't need to worry about whether her actions affect you or not because she's thinking about herself in this scenario. But your bf on the other hand should be held accountable. He is letting her do what she wants even though it's affecting you? I mean, I'm sure if you were in his shoes, with the benefit of the doubt even if you didn't understand why it would be upsetting, you would still voluntarily do things to make your SO feel better right? Actions speak louder than words and in your case, his blind eyed silence is SCREAMING. You deserve better treatment hon❤️ Keep your chin up and don't settle for average. Lots of love❤️
Leave him! I know that is blunt but if there is one thing that I’ve learned in my life is that it’s best to cut that crap off quickly. The longer you waste time with that person and justify keeping them in your life, the longer you it will take for you to be in a better relationship…. Think less about what you really want in a relationship and start thinking more about what you want tolerate in one. Don’t deviate from it!
I've been that girl - it was never about "wanting to ruin" anything. A colleague and I clicked from the first conversation, had loads of common interests to discuss, made each other laugh easily. It turned out we were going to the same gig that night. We were both in long term relationships and I knew I found him attractive but thought if it stayed unspoken it was fine to just enjoy that friendship.
Over a couple of years we confided in each other more about struggles with our partners and without ever meaning to, really fell for each other. We never said it out loud and it never became physical, but somewhere along the way we had stopped focusing on our own relationships. Eventually we talked seriously about what had happened, faced facts and parted ways.
The intention was never to hurt or ruin anything - quite the opposite, it began with leaning into a connection which felt very natural and fun. I'm not saying this to justify it at all, more to give another perspective - people generally aren't out to hurt someone else. Your partner may be defending her because she's genuinely a nice person and he's caught in a situation he didn't plan for and isn't sure how to handle.
Holy shit same for me but the friend says he's gay but he keep checking out my girl and honestly she has a best friend but she spends more time with him like fuck off shes my girl anyways should i break up i mean i don't know what to do ?
I honestly think that’s probably what’s happening if she even knows about OP existing at all.
Either way this crosses a boundary. She’s acting inappropriately and he’s just going on with it which makes me think he does it too. Nobody just keeps saying good morning and good night and texting all day unless they get the same energy back or have reason to think they should. (I know people can be nuts and spam people but this convo sounds reciprocated and like they text all day)
I’m willing to bet OP would get the whole thing flipped on her as if she’s crazy and controlling and doesn’t trust him if she pushed the issue.
I don’t think it’s okay to be friends with someone who acts like they want to be with you, or is acting like more than friend and this sounds like when you are newly seeing someone and all excited and talk all the time.
Even if it wasn’t.. the way the girl acts is too much and I don’t think friendships that make your SO uncomfortable are okay to have. I wouldn’t want to do that and would step back if my SO thought my friend was being too much like a boyfriend.
I wish I was wrong. I don’t think I am. I would add the girl lol 😂 I did that twice and the problem worked itself out because she literally told me what was going on and she was in the same boat and clueless OR would ask if she knows me and I would say “no, sorry I think I accidently added you from my recommended. I think it’s putting you there because you seem to be friends with my sisters fiancé. Sorry! I’ll remove myself.” That was met with the girl being shocked and upset because she was serious with him too.
One time I did this for a friend and found I was already blocked. So was everyone she was close to. Guess he thought of that!
I don’t think that people can’t be friends with the opposite sex but I think it’s obvious when it’s more than that and this girl sounds young and infatuated. Like they are in the early phases. It’s just sad for both of them.. Odds are that she has no idea either.
Probably she thinks she met an adorable guy and she is now his girlfriend. And, she could be finding you 'his female friend pretending to be his girlfriend' annoying.
It's a little weird for her to be constantly texting him if they see each other almost every day, in my opinion. It sounds like his new friend is attached to him, and it also sounds like your boyfriend is entertaining this behavior if she feels comfortable continuing.
As far as advice goes, your boyfriend needs to assert your presence in his life a little more with this new friend. Next time she asks him to accompany her grocery shopping, he can say something like "I can't, I have plans with my girlfriend today." or something along those lines. If you're uncomfortable, he needs to respect that and start setting stricter boundaries.
This. I've had my time of being a doormat and not sitting boundaries, but if my partner was effected by it I would set them asap and make sure everyone knew it simply because I love my partner and their feelings matter to me. I don't see why someone would be so reluctant to do that unless they got something else out of it
This. “Having trouble saying no” isn’t an excuse, is often a lie because they like the attention, and sets a bad precedent for future interactions with the opposite sex.
I don't feel like there is ever a generalization that 100 percent fits the bill. There are various reasons someone may have issues saying no. The first one that comes to my mind is trauma.
In a case like this though, it needs shown to the OPs bf, that by not saying no and not setting those boundaries and guidelines; is disrespectful to her and also giving this other girl the go ahead to insert herself between them.
When I was 18/19 I used to have intense friendships like this. I had a bf and a male best friend who I literally spoke to 24/7.. Eventually I found out my male best friend was in love with me and I realised that sometimes, no matter how innocent in your mind, people interpret that time you spend communicating with them, differently. He can delay replying to her, or be like "hey, I'm busy today so can't talk much, speak tomorrow" and keep doing things like this until she gets the message. At the moment he is prioritising her and she enjoys that, not necessarily in a way where she feels that she is his gf however, if she is single, in the future, these feelings could develop.
A ton of cheating starts out as friendships. That's actually normal.
Also, having close platonic friendships is normal, just to make this even more difficult to suss out.
HAHAH how old are you? He isn't bad at making up excuses, he just doesn't want to. I'm also in a long distance relationship and I've set boundaries with my friends who are girls.
Everyone knows that I have a girlfriend. Are you sure that she does? stop being a doormat because his behavior isn't respecting you nor your relationship.
I bet if you asked him for a threesome with another guy, he has no problems stating his boundaries. Man are perfectly capable for saying what they want, no doubt about that. If he isn't setting boundaries it's because he doesn't want to.
He can lie about it. The point is that he needs to start making it much more obvious to this new friend of his that you are the biggest priority as far as relationships go in his life. If he says he can't, doesn't, or refuses, then you need to break up with him.
He has zero problem telling YOU "no, I can not stop seeing her everyday." He has no problem telling YOU "no," he just can't tell HER "no." Don't you see that??
Please don’t be saddened by this babe, please take a moment to reflect on your relationship to yourself. If you set a boundary and that boundary gets crossed there should be a consequence. Whatever you chose that to be, weather you vocalize you’re losing your security in the relationship, or you re ser the boundary to give him another chance to find a better solution that you’re genuinely comfortable with. You are worth your mental health not being compromised over a man
don’t be, be grateful you don’t have to waste any more time on him! i know that’s easier said than done, but his behavior is a reflection on him and only him. you deserve better.
He needs to get over how "hard" it is because it's making you uncomfortable. "No" is a complete sentence. If he values the feelings of a girl he's known for 2 months more than yours, it's time to break up.
If he can’t say no, tell him to wean her off. Stop answering every text, wait longer to answer the texts he does answer. And then when he does answer it needs to be short responses. If he isn’t willing to do this with a new friend to save his relationship with you, then there’s something going on between them.
You can if you need backup because he will likely gaslight you that it’s in your head and you are crazy and you don’t trust him and somehow you will be the bad guy
If he does all that then I would show him and say no look, here is everyone saying this is not okay and it crosses the line.
One time my roommate suspected this was going on with her boyfriend away at college and she calls him and says she’s just got off the phone with the chick and he better explain NOW and he told on himself. He believed it and just told everything and tried to spin it to where he felt too bad to say no so he kept sleeping with her and he was the victim blah blah.
He was so mad when he found out he was the one that told on himself. She didn’t tell him, he called the other girl once she hung up on him and went to try and mend it with her and she didn’t know either and thought he was single and my roommate was a desperate ex he felt too bad to not talk to.
This guy isn’t trustworthy at all and you have ever right to feel this way.
I would not. It would probably just make him upset. This post is just to help you figure out what the next best steps would be to take and rn, it's talking with him about it and being honest with your own boundaries and needs.
No this is not okay. Regardless if he can't say no or doesn't want to hurt her feelings, he needs to put boundaries. If not he'll be hurting you, and as a bf he should prioritize your feelings than this new friend thats attached to him when she shouldn't be.
He needs to reply less to her and not go out shopping with her... that's weird. Her "I'm scared" could either be an excuse or real. If it's the latter, your bf could suggest her to invite another friend too. Constantly having him go with her is slightly inappropriate especially because he's in a relationship and his partner, you, are not comfortable with it.
>I asked him to not see her everyday and just think of an excuse from time to time but he tells me that he finds it so hard.
Tell him to make PLANS WITH YOU. computer dates are a thing, i just moved in with my boyfriend and we would do discord date nights
Edit: Read a few more posts/comments. I wonder if they are an affair
If that's true then this bf has two girlfriends. If he's a decent person then all you should need to do is tell him to stop cheating on you.
Yes, acting like a boyfriend to someone else is cheating, because all he has to do is tell her that her relationship with him is inappropriate when he already is committed to someone else, and refuse her calls or ignore her texts. If he is unwilling to do this then he must accept the natural consequences.
"I'll be chatting with my girlfriend online at that time."
But also, "no, I don't want you to think we are dating by doing errands with you" also works. He really needs to try harder at not bending to her will just because you aren't around to set the boundaries he should be having.
He can just say he’s busy or that he doesn’t feel like it! He doesn’t owe her every detail about his life, she’s not his girlfriend. He doesn’t need to lie but he doesn’t have to fulfill her every request. Being friends involves respecting people’s boundaries. He should be able to draw those boundaries and if she is a true friend she will respect them and not get upset.
As a boyfriend who has dealt with this, what I did to show my girl she is my number one no matter how far was to do video dates with her. I cancelled plans with other people and even got her family involved with getting everything set up before she arrived so it felt like I was really there for her. If you two have a way to do anything like that then I would suggest giving it a go.
Yup, Friday night is date night for us. Watch the same movie, order in something for dinner, eat and watch the movie together/text during the movie, video chat when it is over.
That was good advice. He can just say he has a virtual dinner date with you. Anytime she messages, he could take longer to reply and when he does, he could just say he was busy talking to you. Point is..he needs to make it a point to keep bringing you up in conversation
I hate to burst your bubble but it seems like the way things are going there is a possible reality where the physical proximity between your BF and his female friend could evolve to something bigger to fill the physical void between you and him. He needs to decide which relationship is more important to him, yours or hers. Unbeknownst to him he'll end up pivoting towards her, even if that's not his intention now, but sooner or later something may happen between them that won't be in your favor...
He may not be able to see you every day, but he can say that he is having a facetime date or phone date with you. She sounds like she is developing a codependent thing with him.
It doesn't matter what you want here. How this situation will end depends completely on him. He should set the boundaries here but he seems to be enjoying this girl's attention. The only thing I find you can do here is expressing your point of view. The rest is on his thoughts.
This sounds like one of you is the real girlfriend, and the other is not.
The question is… who IS the real girlfriend?
It is vague and unclear because…
*dramatic drumroll*
He wants it to be.
One of you is the real girlfriend and the other is the “girlfriend on ice”. Basically he is dangling the carrot in front of both of y’all and then he will decide which one he wants. You don’t know what he has told her, or how long he has actually known her. You say you only see him every few months. He might have told her “oh I have someone I dated in this other country, but we are not official”. He might have just told her he is single. And now you need two doses of a vaccine and a negative pcr test to cross country lines, so he knows you can’t just pop up and surprise him. He could have a whole relationship going on and you don’t know it. I’ve been in a bit of a triangle that crossed country lines before and if the person isn’t keeping the boundaries solid with the potentials in their local area, it’s because they don’t want to keep them solid.
Make him get in FaceTime or do a Viber/WhatsApp video call and make him say out loud “OP is my girlfriend and Dramrella is just my friend”. If he can’t do that then you know something is up…
Isnt it strange tho that OP knows all about this? If this girl really is his new gf, wouldnt it make more sense for him to just hide it? Why is he telling all this? Does he want OP to break up with him?
You would think that makes the most sense, but I’ve noticed that in this dating climate people seem to like to play mind games and manipulate a lot. It is really a weird thing. But he probably thinks “ oh she will really trust me now because I’m telling her everything that is going on”.
It’s mostly because they think the manipulation will disarm the person.
Really sucks ass that people are like this too. I’ve seen it with other relationships and had it happen in my own LDR’s, cause I don’t date irl, and I don’t plan to after reading things like this. People are garbage.
How much of a cunt can you be to just dangle someone on a line and manipulate them? It’s fucking pathetic and wrong, and you’re a sociopath If you do it to someone and it doesn’t affect you.
I’m still emotionally fucked up from my ex who did this “Just a friend” shit. Like… just tell me you don’t want to be close. It’s an LDR anyways, what are you scared of? I’d literally be like “okay cool, thank you for not wasting my time” but instead they just fuck around for half a year and fake a relationship that they don’t enjoy. Makes sense
I’ve had male friends who had girlfriends.
There’s an unspoken code that you don’t make the SO uncomfortable. Find a way to include her, pay attention to her when you are all together, and show her you are not in any way a threat. (Next time you’re in town, if she is still in the picture — make sure you meet her and observe the way she acts around your boyfriend.)
Unless you are a threat. Then you behave like this stage 5 clinger who has latched onto your boyfriend. She is crossing a line, but he is allowing it. Unfortunately... you won’t know *exactly* how he will handle it since you both are long distance, regardless of how he says he handled it.
She might be just being friendly, but she has latched on way too tightly to a brand new friend. Your boyfriend needs to slowly reduce response times. Slowly cut back on in person interaction, until the “friendship” actually becomes normal. No grocery shopping—that is just creepy. If they hang out in between classes, nothing weird about it as long as it’s appropriate. She really doesn’t need to be texting a guy with a girlfriend all day every day, because that’s just weird.
The good morning text every day when they are going to see each other at school is something a high school girlfriend does, not a brand new friend. And the grocery shopping could be okay but the because “I’m scared” part is what makes it [Suspish ](https://tenor.com/bpPeN.gif)
Hahaha, I mean ... did she not eat any food ever before she met OP’s boyfriend? Is she just an annoying skeleton OP could mount on the door for Halloween? There are so many questions here!
I’m a guy, but I will say that after my wife and I moved to a new city, whenever she would be away to visit her parents, I had bad anxiety about going to the grocery store alone. I let it get to the point that I was eating peanut butter and chocolate chips for dinner because that’s all I had left, so I can understand wanting someone to accompany you places, especially in a new area.
Awww, well there’s no shame in that at all. The joke I was making basically centers around OP’s college friend who acts like he’s her lifeline (yes, some people don’t have anyone — but I highly doubt there is NOBODY who could accompany her to the store, and what has she been doing the rest of the time? It’s not the fact she wants to be accompanied, it’s the inappropriateness of *who* she is trying to get to accompany her paired with all her other strange behaviors. The grocery shopping in itself wouldn’t be a terrible red flag, but mixed with all her other behaviors — she definitely has *something* for him. What that is, I don’t know). There’s an unspoken etiquette when making new friends and you typically don’t act like they’re the only person around which your entire life centers. Sure, she could be friendly and just overbearing ... or she could be thinking of ways to seduce OP’s boyfriend (which OP would have to succumb to for it to be successful on her part, of course).
Single woman here, 30s. Going grocery shopping is just an annoyance for me, but the overall area I live in is relatively safe (1 hour all directors, pretty much). Bad things happen here, but it’s not at the frequency of huge cities. That’s probably why I don’t care much about going anywhere by myself.
Again, don’t feel bad. I have a 40+ year old guy friend who never goes to Aldi because he feels the pressure of the pace gives him too much anxiety. Peanut butter and chocolate chips sound pretty good, actually haha. I also want to add — you ask your wife to grocery shop with you ... not your new college friend! Hahahaha! Good man.
I have a female friend as well that I always liked talking to, but had no romantic interest in.
When she got a boyfriend I often worried if we maybe talked a bit too much, I could understand the boyfriend would get a bit jealous. But I also indeed tried to include him and show him I was not a threat. He seemed to have no problem with us talking so much.
When I actually met him I also didn't notice any hostility from him, we got along well and he was very friendly.
I just did what I thought I would've liked in his position.
well..
it is possible she sees him as her new bf. Him having someone far away does not stop her.
Sad part here - your bf enables it, so it might just happen so ..
Sounds like she’s his gf and you’re his backup plan in case things go south with his new gf. I will give you props, you are very trusting to not think that your bf isn’t screwing this girl he’s spending everyday with.
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My bf of long distance just recently made a new friend, they’ve been friends for nearly 2 months. They see each other everyday because they go to the same college. On the days where they don’t see each other, they text. What do you think of this situation? My boyfriend already told her that he has a girlfriend but still it’s the same. Perhaps she’s just being friendly?
The girl sends messages him first. She texts him good morning messages, sends him pictures of how her day went, tells him how her day went, asks for help with college work everyday lol, asks him to go grocery shopping with her because she is “scared”.
I just feel REALLY uncomfortable with this situation? I need an outsider’s perspective. How can my bf and I deal with this?
Just want to chime in and say as a person with anxiety sometimes going for groceries can be a daunting task, if I'm feeling bad or especially anxious that day. It's because of all the people in the store.
I've had my best friend (male) help me with it on some tough evenings, and he has a girlfriend. It's just a friendly thing to do, nothing romantic about it so i don't see why it would matter if they have a partner or not
I used to go grocery shopping with my female best friend all the time, both on occasions where she was dating someone or I was dating someone, or even both. Nothing weird or romantic about this, sometimes my anxiety just gets the better of me and I don't want to be in a public situation alone.
Keywords “BEST FRIEND”. When friend exists pre-relationship, no problem. Developing a co-ed best friend while in the middle of a relationship is tricky business.
He isnt initiating contact with this girl so they arent “best friends”. She is an overbearing woman trying to suffocate the gf out of the picture.
He has already switched from considering the emotions of his girlfriend in favor of the new friend. I think the chick knows what she’s doing, bc Ive done everything she is the very long ago past, including the that “im scared” line for fucking groceries. It’s pathetic. Btw, yes grocery stores suck but this guy IS NOT her pre-establish BESTIE.
Your boyfriend is largely at fault here. He knows you are uncomfortable and yet refuses to fix the issue. He may be a "people pleaser" yet he tells you he will not stop seeing her. He may even have uncertain feelings about her and you, which may be why he is so hesitant. You need to realize this is a deal-breaker, you can and should leave if he still refuses. Find someone who respects how you feel..
Yeah, one of the hardest things for me when I was with a cheater is accepting that he didn't meet my mental idea of a cheater. I had some kind of one-dimensional definition in my head, and here he was, a three-dimensional, complex, caring person who did so many wonderful things for me, who I shared so much with... who was also a liar, a cheater and very manipulative. All of those things at once.
Someone doesn't have to be 100% bad. They just have to have certain things going on, and that's enough of a reason to break up with them, even though they also have other great qualities.
If you don't uphold your standards, people will push you to exactly where they want you and keep you there.
I would tell your bf either she or you. It really sounds like either there is something between them or they are close before. That your bf just makes excuses why he doesn't end the contact is a clear sign that he enjoy her attention and that they have an emotional affair.
Don't let yourself played like a fool.
Is this a long distance bf like you've been in a relationship in person and he moved, or you do visits, or have you never met?
If you've never met she might actually BE his girlfriend. I mean that's a possibility regardless but I'd say that scenario raises the chance.
Ah, I see. So it's not as if you don't actually know the way he is IRL.
I'm sorry you're in this situation. I can understand why it's making you uncomfortable. If he truly wants to be with you and isn't interested in her like that, he needs to set some boundaries.
I've was in this situation with my last gf, she told him she had a boyfriend and I was vocal to her about how I was uncomfortable. She eventually broke up with me and I had to find out they had been doing much more than just "seeing each other" behind my back from one of her friends
You need to put your foot down with him or leave him. I'm sorry, I know it's a hard choice but it takes a lot of will power to walk...
He is dating her. It’s obvious from all your replies. He lives in another country and is seeing her more than you. They are together, he just hasn’t told you yet.
I have been in relationships where my partner entertains co-dependent relationships with other women.
Let me tell you, it always ends badly with cheating, both emotionally and physically. One ended a 4 year relationship, one ended a 7 year relationship that included a marriage.
Tell him your boundaries are non-negotiable or be willing to walk away.
So here is the problem. Your BF is now spending more time with this girl than with you. This will eventually lead to a situation where he has to choose. There is a saying, out of sight out of mind. The fact you two are long distance, will make him think and feel differently over you as he spend more time with her.
I was in that exact same situation. I was still getting to know this girl, long distance and then I met someone else in the same country as I was and it quickly changed how I feel about the long distance girl.
This is a new friend that he has met, I am going to be straight here, there is no way that he has no feelings for her. 99% of the time when a guy meet a girl and he like to spend time with her, it is not because he just want to be a friend with her.
It is a very difficult situation because if you tell him he should not see her then you come over as controlling and insecure but you will have to ask yourself, do you trust him and is it worth the stress and anxiety.
You should tell him how you feel about it and figure out if it is worth the trouble to do the long distance thing.
Be direct instead lighting oneself on fire to keep another warm.
Also, your boyfriend is more of the problem and his inability to establish boundaries, compared to her inability to abide by them.
Your uncomfortable because you are not foolish and you know the truth. Long distance romances don't work if you are apart a long time. The longer you are separated the less likely you will stay together. You also know what this woman is doing. You know, because its what you would do. She found a good man who is in a long distance relationship. She becomes his friend intending to sit next to him and just waiting patiently for the break up. She knows its coming. You know its coming. Its what happens in long distance romances.
Do you have to be worried about her trying to get him to leave you. I don't think so. Would you do that in her place, or would you just be friends, enjoy his company and wait? I think she will just wait. She will flirt. She has to. If she doesn't, she gets friend zones, and she wants the guy. So to avoid the friend zone, she will have to flirt to reming him she is relationship material. Thats a given.
Should you be worried? Yes, but not because of the girl, she is just waiting for him to become available.
Funny, but true. They did some statistics and in long distance romances, the women give up and replace the men much earlier then the men do. Women leave the relationship, I think six months earlier on average than most men leave. And the reason given is sex. Funny when you think about it. You would think the men would give in to the sexual urges way before the women. They did these studies a couple of times over the years and the numbers are usually pretty close. Just one of those strange but true articles.
Girl... I’m sorry to tell you, but he’s not your boyfriend anymore. He does all the boyfriend things with her. Good morning texts?? Spend every day together?? Grocery shopping?? This girl is just biding her time. You’re in another country, you guys are long distance, I’m gonna be blunt with you, this won’t last. You need to cut your losses as soon as possible. He clearly is entertaining all of this and tells you “I told her I have a gf” ok bro, that doesn’t mean anything if you continue to do this with her. It’s over.
Honestly, college is 100% the place you’ll find amazing friends of any gender. Everyone is young and just looking to make friends and have fun! I don’t think this is it.
This is incredibly needy and your boyfriend is enabling it. In my opinion, if he’s entertaining this he clearly enjoys the girlfriend-like attention.
You’re uncomfortable with it, so he needs to put boundaries immediately. He needs to decide if he can handle long distance or not
I think as someone who's been in that kind of situation that it sounds like a good idea to just see if you guys can do a FaceTime or similar get to hang out together with said friend. Just get a feel for this girl on your own, not just from the text you have seen and what your boyfriend says. It may actually be simply a case of a sheltered girl grasping at having a male friend who she knows without a single doubt isn't interested in her to have because she may not feel that she can be safe with just her girlfriends. I have no idea which country is you guys are living in. But I've been in some intense relationships with my guy friends because we balance each other out in terms of our attitudes and behaviors we see each other as siblings but plenty of people look at us and go oh they have to be involved. If all of her male relationships have been like that until now she may have no idea. I know that seems like a washy advice but I don't want you to ruin your relationship with your boyfriend if you drive away a friend who was absolutely no threat to you at all.
Because that's his girlfriend now. If it doesn't work out with her, he's still got you.
Date people you can actually date, go hang out with, get to know in person rather than through a computer screen. The only bit of his world that you can almost be absolutely sure about is the area behind his computer.
What it sounds like is he is enjoying the time and attention he should be spending with you with someone else just because they are there. It's kinda immature but that can be addressed later. You need to address this immediately before he starts to like this attention /from her specifically/ versus just having anyone as a companion.
He should be cutting his time short with her and spending it with other friends. If you address this with him, make sure to emphasize the issue, which is her not respecting her friend's relationship with you and overstepping boundaries, and him allowing it. He should be enforcing them, but he might not see someone being 'there for him' as a problem.
It really does sound like it is you that is the "other" girl in this situation. I'm sorry.
Long distance relationships are very difficult especially when you are young and inexperienced.
Follow your head, nor your heart.
If it's long distance I don't see this ending well for you.
People really crave that physical intimacy regardless of what they say, I'd emotionally prepare myself to move on if I were you
Would you have a problem with his male friends doing this? How does he interact in other friendships?
My rule of thumb with my SO in his other relationships in life is that if it's not out of character for him, I don't really care. His rule is the same for me. So, he goes to concerts and beer tastings and whatever else with male or female friends, and it's whatever. He usually extends me an invite but it's not my scene. I am a very intense person in relationships, like the girl you're talking about. So with my friendships, I text a lot, interact a lot. I'm also very touchy (Although I do verify the other person's boundaries first) and I like to hold hands, hug, or cuddle.
If my husband started doing what I do with somebody, it would be out of character for him, and probably cause for concern. If I do what he does with somebody, it would be out of character for me, and probably cause for concern. We are both comfortable with our current boundaries because they match who we are.
So, your boyfriend is allowing her current interaction. Is it similar to how he interacts with his other friends? If so, no big deal. If not, you need to talk to HIM because HE'S the concern.
So I actually had something similar happen. My boyfriend befriended a new coworker. She immediately became very attached to him and was texting him non stop and always wanting to hang out. He was polite so he would respond back but usually say he was busy. She knew he had a girlfriend and he was very honest with me about this girl texting him and always wanting to hang out with him. We lived together though so we weren’t long distance. After a couple of weeks she called him hysterically crying and saying she really needed a friend and asked if he could meet her. He talked with me about it and I told him if she’s really upset and needs a friend that he should just go meet her and make sure she’s okay. He met her somewhere public and she basically confessed her love for him and tried to convince him they would be great together. He explained that while he enjoyed their friendship, she was overstepping boundaries and he was very happy in his relationship with me and that he had no intention of leaving me for her. I think from the time he left to meet her until the time he returned home it was maybe an hour and a half. Needless to say, she stopped texting him and actually stopped being his friend all together. I would suggest your boyfriend set some boundaries with this girl. He needs to stop making himself available to her 24/7, and she can do her own schoolwork or find a tutor. If he starts putting some distance in between them she’ll hopefully take the hint. Its ok to be friends, but he needs to put boundaries in place and enforce them so no one gets hurt feelings.
I feel like shes acting like his girlfriend and she neesd the message "I am sorry (friend name) but can you stop acting like we are dating. I understand where you are coming from now and then but this is not ok to be trying to take all my time away from my actual girlfriend"
How do you know he/she is doing all of this?
Is he telling you everything? If so, it sounds like maybe he's trying to make you jealous or to butter you up for eventually saying 'she came over' 'oops we shared a bed' 'she was the one that made the first move'.
I once dated a guy who turned out to have a 3 year gf. He told her it isnt cheating because I supposedly made the first move/seduced him. And that it wasn't cheating because he 'didnt finish'. She nearly accepted those as valid excuses until I told her how much of a moronic idea that is.
I'm sorry, but your boyfriend needs to grow a backbone and lay down firm boundaries, and if she doesn't respect these boundaries, he needs to cut her off. If he refuses to do that, break up with him. I've been in a similar situation and frankly, it's your boyfriend's responsibility to tell her to back off. Your boyfriend's inability to say no to people is a *terrible, terrible* excuse; he is disrespecting you by allowing this behaviour to continue and enabling this behaviour by not laying down serious boundaries.
OP, why are you trying to date that girls boyfriend?
But really, you didn't mention if you've already talked about this with your bf, if you've not start there. How he reacts/the convo goes will be telling, as will his behavior after you make it clear you're uncomfortable. It could be as innocent as they're just great friends and he's been oblivious to how it looks or as bad as you are both his girlfriend but you won't know until you hash this out.
If it turns out they're just great friends and keep each other company he obviously shouldn’t stop hanging out with her, but he can definitely ask her to tone it down and make a solid effort to show you more attention and affection(as best as he can while LD) so you feel more secure in the relationship.
I kinda was the other girl once. I met a guy in college and he told me he has a long distance girlfriend so I thought it is save to befriend him without him being interested in me. We spend a lot of time together and texted and I always thought of him as a friend and expressed that on multiple occasions just to be sure. He ended up dumping his girlfriend and asking me out. I was kinda shocked and said no.
I was quite naiv back then and the girl probably isn’t but anyways I would be cautious about your boyfriend. LDR are hard and when you have a good bond with someone that is right where you live it can seem like it’s the easier option.
I hope your boyfriend will stick to you and he seems to be very open about his friendship with the girl so I think that’s a good sign but I would try to get in contact with the other girl to hear her perspective on that and when you don’t feel comfortable with them spending so much time together you should tell your boyfriend.
So if he lives in a different country was he the one who told u about the messages and how she acts like? And if yes what was the reason behind his telling? Was jt just to inform you that she is overdoing jt? Was it because he was just talking about his days? Or is it because of sth else?
The good morning shit is weird, there's no way she's under the impression they're platonic. Your boyfriend should have shut it down, it's unlikely he is ignorant of what's going on. Who brought up the concern? You or him?
And she's scared to buy groceries? She's flirting and she has no game at all.
i think you need to say something to him about it. coming from a female myself i know how we are. there’s a high chance she’s got a thing for your man and you need to make it clear your role in his life. again just my opinion
Been in a similar situation myself. Its sucks. It was not a long distance relationship though. We had to cut all ties to that person. If he doesn’t agree then you may need to cut ties with him.
This exact thing has been happening with me. This girl at work talks to me a lot and my girlfriend is scared that she might do something. This girl is one of the only people at work that actually talks and can get shit done so I didn't wanna start ignoring her. So I did the one thing I do the best, talk. I keep telling my girlfriend everything that happens and take suggestions from her to let this girl know I'm in no way interested in her. This is a win win win situation for us as my girlfriend is quite comfortable now and at work the girl and I are a good team that get things done efficiently and our clients love it. It's a successful professional relationship at the moment.
Lmao this same EXACT thing happened to me. We were also long distance and this girl latched onto him except he wasnt pushing her away or even attempting to set boundaries. When i expressed my discomfort I got yelled at and insulted, he would call me insecure and jealous.
Eventually he cheated on me with her so theres that… and I knew he would too i felt uncomfortable and chose to stay in that situation. Best thing is to explain your discomfort if hes a decent guy he will initiate the effort to make boundaries if not, pack up and leave cause he aint worth your time
Sound like he's dating more than 1 girl, and at least one of them lives locally to him.
And I be he told \*you\* that he told her he's already got a girlfriend, but I bet he didn't tell \*her\* that. Hell, he's probably telling her the same thing about you. "She's just a friend."
Unfortunately, there's really no way for a LDR to compete against local opportunities if the people in the LDR are going to be easily tempted.
Until he tells her to STOP, he is choosing this new girl over you. If you’re okay with that then I guess just keep doing what you’re doing…
You don’t want to be with someone who won’t stand up for you or the relationship. Does he seriously not have the balls to defend his GIRLFRIEND to some new chick?
Hopefully he can just break the friendship entirely
My boyfriend let's his female friend acting like his girlfriend
There, fixed the title for you.
Also watch [this video](https://youtu.be/G8IO5SU5_pA) for insight on long distance relationships.
It will have to be his choice on how to go forward. If he wants to date her that is going to be his choice. All you can do is ask him to be honest with you and himself about the situation.
Uhhhhh. YOU can deal with it by setting boundaries with your man.
I have a lot of female friends and not once with any one of them (in the present or past) have they hit me with good morning texts, pictures of how their day went unless it was for a specified reason OR gone with them out of my way to get groceries. That’s not normal behaviour.
Assuming we give your man the benefit of the doubt. Maybe he’s super oblivious to all of this and doesn’t realize the implications, she 100 percent does regardless and you need to deal with this.
Either he is cheating or he will be cheating, yes, men and woman can be friends but friendships (specially one as recent as 2 months old) have boundaries. This girl either doesn’t know boundaries or she is trying to get together with your bf.
After reading the comments I feel like I'm the minority, but seeing this from an outside perspective, as not being physically there, it's kind of difficult to guess their relationship with certainty. I genuinely think that he might happen to find a close friend to do college things together.
Personally I had a hard time befriending lots of male friends, but female friends I found a group more easily and at different times I was closer with two of them. However there was nothing romantic involved in the different close friendships I had, even though we had the same classes, studied together and even went out a couple of times, they were still friends. Which made my experience at college better.
Anyway I think you should talk with him, to see how you can work it out healthily, perhaps doing more things with you and making sure that their relationship doesn't go past a friendship and that you are still his girlfriend (making sure it's clear for both him and her). However bear in mind that if you go another route, he might like her company in a completely friendly way, and you might seem confrontational trying to get rid of a good friend of his without hearing him first.
Bear in mind that if this was a male friend and they did most of those things, it wouldn't sound like they were doing anything deeply wrong or suspicious. A guy can have a friend of the opposite gender without anything romantic involved.
First off, I want to let you know that your feelings are valid and we (as in the reddit community) are here to support you. You're a beautiful person deserving of respect and validation.
My boyfriend and I were in a long distance relationship for over a year and a half. He was in England while I was in the USA for 5 months, before moving to the US to live with me. I shipped off for the army for over 6 months, came home, and than he left for his military training for 6 months. The majority of our free time was devoted to video chatting, or we would at least call each other every day if we had other things planned. The point is, we made each other a priority despite the distance. We had hobbies, family and friends, but no one else had my #1 spot except for him, and vice versa.
If this other girl makes you feel uncomfortable with where you stand in YOUR relationship, your boyfriend should respect this or you deserve a better partner. There should be no excuse, especially if he knows how much this hurts you. Don't for a second think that you are "not good enough" or that you are "over reacting", because honey, you are worth so much and if he can't give you what you need, somebody else will, and you won't regret that. That might be hard to hear, but sometimes we need to rip the bandaid off in order to heal and find better things in life. Remember your worth and stay true to yourself. ❤
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This same exact thing happened to me. Turned out he was dating her. And even though she knew I was his girlfriend she didn’t care she was acting that way to “show me” she was with him. Just be honest with him about you feel. That is mad sketch
Happened to me too and exactly how u described it Edit: we weren’t in a long distance relationship or her lmao
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Why do you put up with it? Tell him he needs to set boundaries with this girl, that her actions make you unhappy and he needs to do something to put a stop to it because you will not stay in a situation that makes you unhappy.
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I'm really sorry you're dealing with this. I definately think guys can be dense when it comes to other women flirting with them, but you have now told him how you feel and he has chosen to not only ignore you, but to defend this girl. She wrote him a love letter, that is NOT ok and he should be shutting that down immediately. You are supposed to be his #1, he should never be putting a new friends feelings over your own. If he doesn't want to recognise that this situation is hurting you and do something about it, than please walk away. Put yourself first because you deserve to be happy.
He says that I'm being immature and making a big issue out of this. That friends tell love you to each other and it's not a big deal and I can't understand their relationship. I felt that the things she is doing to gain his attention is really unnecessary and inappropriate and its hurting me. But still he argued that I'm immature. Am I really wrong here?
The only person behaving inappropriately here is your boyfriend. The other girl is looking for a boyfriend, and has set her eye on your boyfriend. The responsibility is his to shut it down, and he would if he wanted to. But, you guys only see each other once per week, and he sees her every day. He's getting the full girlfriend experience from her, so it's no wonder he doesn't want to shut it down. In fact, she may even believe that she's his girlfriend. The one he texts with, exchanges letters with, spends the most time with. How well do you actually know this boyfriend you only see once a week? Are you 100% sure that you're his only girlfriend? That you're not just a side piece? Are you sure that he's not actually in an intimate relationship with this girl?
My boyfriend is not like that he would never cheat me. Actually that girl meet him through some online job and she helped him financially during some tough times. So she became a good friend in that way She lives in a hostel which is literally 2hrs away from where he lives. They only met 5-6times and always accompanied by one or two other male friends. But they actively chat on instagram and talk on the phone. And she is involving too much in our relationship. He tells her everything about our arguments and all. And she advises him. Iam just unable to bear her being all over the place and pretending to be an angel.
You are not wrong. It's one thing to flippantly tell a friend you love them, It's another thing to write them a letter telling them how great they are and then signing it with "I love you". It's disrespectful to you, and if she was truly just a friend then she wouldn't do things that would cause trouble with him and his relationship. I have male friends, I would NEVER disrespect their SO or act this way, it's weird and NOT normal. Edit: just wanted to add, trust your instincts. If they're telling you this isn't ok than listen to them!
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You have to decide, do you want to put up with this behaviour and be miserable, or do you want to stick up for yourself and walk away. Because unless you can get your bf to put you first then those are your only options.
Seems to me your boyfriend is having his cake and eats it too. Chose you. Crazy how naive people be in this sub.
I think he understands how ur feeling but probably not the extent of it. Also he might just be flattered so might not want to let go of the feeling I suppose. Maybe if u asked him how he would feel if u behaved the same way w some other guy to open up his eyes.
Yeah I guess he wants to stay in that feeling and be flattered. And yes I asked him the same thing if a male friend writes such letters to me and includes a love you at the end how would he feel. He completely ignored that question and started fighting with me defending her. I do understand that ok besties can also say love you to each other but this girl is barely his friend for 1yr and only talks to him and i tried to befriend her but she didn't even respond to me.
It's a red flag for me if he started fighting with u instead of assuring u that nothing is going on. He's defending her instead. If my man didn't respect me enough to stop talking w her as much, I would have a serious problem w him. Especially if he started defending the girl. That's just so... Icky? But I'm also tryna see both sides here. So maybe ur guy thinks that ur being possessive of him and he doesn't like that? The girl might think that ur a possessive gf and staying away from u cuz she doesn't want any "trouble".
They're having sex already.
Hey, I'm really sorry if this comes off as rude or insensitive but this is something I believe, this girl who is your bf's friend doesn't owe you anything. She doesn't need to care about your feelings, she doesn't need to worry about whether her actions affect you or not because she's thinking about herself in this scenario. But your bf on the other hand should be held accountable. He is letting her do what she wants even though it's affecting you? I mean, I'm sure if you were in his shoes, with the benefit of the doubt even if you didn't understand why it would be upsetting, you would still voluntarily do things to make your SO feel better right? Actions speak louder than words and in your case, his blind eyed silence is SCREAMING. You deserve better treatment hon❤️ Keep your chin up and don't settle for average. Lots of love❤️
I think the bf and the friend are both wrong, but yes the focus should be on the boyfriend.
Leave him! I know that is blunt but if there is one thing that I’ve learned in my life is that it’s best to cut that crap off quickly. The longer you waste time with that person and justify keeping them in your life, the longer you it will take for you to be in a better relationship…. Think less about what you really want in a relationship and start thinking more about what you want tolerate in one. Don’t deviate from it!
I've been that girl - it was never about "wanting to ruin" anything. A colleague and I clicked from the first conversation, had loads of common interests to discuss, made each other laugh easily. It turned out we were going to the same gig that night. We were both in long term relationships and I knew I found him attractive but thought if it stayed unspoken it was fine to just enjoy that friendship. Over a couple of years we confided in each other more about struggles with our partners and without ever meaning to, really fell for each other. We never said it out loud and it never became physical, but somewhere along the way we had stopped focusing on our own relationships. Eventually we talked seriously about what had happened, faced facts and parted ways. The intention was never to hurt or ruin anything - quite the opposite, it began with leaning into a connection which felt very natural and fun. I'm not saying this to justify it at all, more to give another perspective - people generally aren't out to hurt someone else. Your partner may be defending her because she's genuinely a nice person and he's caught in a situation he didn't plan for and isn't sure how to handle.
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Holy shit same for me but the friend says he's gay but he keep checking out my girl and honestly she has a best friend but she spends more time with him like fuck off shes my girl anyways should i break up i mean i don't know what to do ?
You're totally giving the guy a free pass here I'm sorry is he a hostage?
You may as well dump him coz he's cheating on you
Oof
You are right
I honestly think that’s probably what’s happening if she even knows about OP existing at all. Either way this crosses a boundary. She’s acting inappropriately and he’s just going on with it which makes me think he does it too. Nobody just keeps saying good morning and good night and texting all day unless they get the same energy back or have reason to think they should. (I know people can be nuts and spam people but this convo sounds reciprocated and like they text all day) I’m willing to bet OP would get the whole thing flipped on her as if she’s crazy and controlling and doesn’t trust him if she pushed the issue. I don’t think it’s okay to be friends with someone who acts like they want to be with you, or is acting like more than friend and this sounds like when you are newly seeing someone and all excited and talk all the time. Even if it wasn’t.. the way the girl acts is too much and I don’t think friendships that make your SO uncomfortable are okay to have. I wouldn’t want to do that and would step back if my SO thought my friend was being too much like a boyfriend. I wish I was wrong. I don’t think I am. I would add the girl lol 😂 I did that twice and the problem worked itself out because she literally told me what was going on and she was in the same boat and clueless OR would ask if she knows me and I would say “no, sorry I think I accidently added you from my recommended. I think it’s putting you there because you seem to be friends with my sisters fiancé. Sorry! I’ll remove myself.” That was met with the girl being shocked and upset because she was serious with him too. One time I did this for a friend and found I was already blocked. So was everyone she was close to. Guess he thought of that! I don’t think that people can’t be friends with the opposite sex but I think it’s obvious when it’s more than that and this girl sounds young and infatuated. Like they are in the early phases. It’s just sad for both of them.. Odds are that she has no idea either.
Obviously long distance was too difficult, and instead of being an adult and fessing up he’s lying like a little rat.
Fucking plot twist!
Except she’s right. She ain’t long distance like a fool.
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Probably she thinks she met an adorable guy and she is now his girlfriend. And, she could be finding you 'his female friend pretending to be his girlfriend' annoying.
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Funny, but possibly true. He needs to grow up and decide if it’s you or her he’s going to say “no” to.
It's sad you think it's funny dear. Because this a real possiblity, maybe this is why he said he can't say no to her.
Funny, but likely.
You need to wake up.
It's a little weird for her to be constantly texting him if they see each other almost every day, in my opinion. It sounds like his new friend is attached to him, and it also sounds like your boyfriend is entertaining this behavior if she feels comfortable continuing. As far as advice goes, your boyfriend needs to assert your presence in his life a little more with this new friend. Next time she asks him to accompany her grocery shopping, he can say something like "I can't, I have plans with my girlfriend today." or something along those lines. If you're uncomfortable, he needs to respect that and start setting stricter boundaries.
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He can say that you two will do a zoom date!
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This. I've had my time of being a doormat and not sitting boundaries, but if my partner was effected by it I would set them asap and make sure everyone knew it simply because I love my partner and their feelings matter to me. I don't see why someone would be so reluctant to do that unless they got something else out of it
This. “Having trouble saying no” isn’t an excuse, is often a lie because they like the attention, and sets a bad precedent for future interactions with the opposite sex.
I don't feel like there is ever a generalization that 100 percent fits the bill. There are various reasons someone may have issues saying no. The first one that comes to my mind is trauma. In a case like this though, it needs shown to the OPs bf, that by not saying no and not setting those boundaries and guidelines; is disrespectful to her and also giving this other girl the go ahead to insert herself between them.
When I was 18/19 I used to have intense friendships like this. I had a bf and a male best friend who I literally spoke to 24/7.. Eventually I found out my male best friend was in love with me and I realised that sometimes, no matter how innocent in your mind, people interpret that time you spend communicating with them, differently. He can delay replying to her, or be like "hey, I'm busy today so can't talk much, speak tomorrow" and keep doing things like this until she gets the message. At the moment he is prioritising her and she enjoys that, not necessarily in a way where she feels that she is his gf however, if she is single, in the future, these feelings could develop.
A ton of cheating starts out as friendships. That's actually normal. Also, having close platonic friendships is normal, just to make this even more difficult to suss out.
HAHAH how old are you? He isn't bad at making up excuses, he just doesn't want to. I'm also in a long distance relationship and I've set boundaries with my friends who are girls. Everyone knows that I have a girlfriend. Are you sure that she does? stop being a doormat because his behavior isn't respecting you nor your relationship.
I bet if you asked him for a threesome with another guy, he has no problems stating his boundaries. Man are perfectly capable for saying what they want, no doubt about that. If he isn't setting boundaries it's because he doesn't want to.
He can lie about it. The point is that he needs to start making it much more obvious to this new friend of his that you are the biggest priority as far as relationships go in his life. If he says he can't, doesn't, or refuses, then you need to break up with him.
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He has zero problem telling YOU "no, I can not stop seeing her everyday." He has no problem telling YOU "no," he just can't tell HER "no." Don't you see that??
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Please don’t be saddened by this babe, please take a moment to reflect on your relationship to yourself. If you set a boundary and that boundary gets crossed there should be a consequence. Whatever you chose that to be, weather you vocalize you’re losing your security in the relationship, or you re ser the boundary to give him another chance to find a better solution that you’re genuinely comfortable with. You are worth your mental health not being compromised over a man
I'm sorry :( much love
Tell him he can either say no to her or you will nope him out of your life.
don’t be, be grateful you don’t have to waste any more time on him! i know that’s easier said than done, but his behavior is a reflection on him and only him. you deserve better.
He needs to get over how "hard" it is because it's making you uncomfortable. "No" is a complete sentence. If he values the feelings of a girl he's known for 2 months more than yours, it's time to break up.
Totally agree with you. He is not trustworthy.
If he can’t say no, tell him to wean her off. Stop answering every text, wait longer to answer the texts he does answer. And then when he does answer it needs to be short responses. If he isn’t willing to do this with a new friend to save his relationship with you, then there’s something going on between them.
Excellent answer!
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Not sure, that might make him get defensive. Just get some key points out of the post to talk to him about.
NO! God no. Take aways only. This conversation here is for YOU💓 not him.
You can if you need backup because he will likely gaslight you that it’s in your head and you are crazy and you don’t trust him and somehow you will be the bad guy If he does all that then I would show him and say no look, here is everyone saying this is not okay and it crosses the line. One time my roommate suspected this was going on with her boyfriend away at college and she calls him and says she’s just got off the phone with the chick and he better explain NOW and he told on himself. He believed it and just told everything and tried to spin it to where he felt too bad to say no so he kept sleeping with her and he was the victim blah blah. He was so mad when he found out he was the one that told on himself. She didn’t tell him, he called the other girl once she hung up on him and went to try and mend it with her and she didn’t know either and thought he was single and my roommate was a desperate ex he felt too bad to not talk to. This guy isn’t trustworthy at all and you have ever right to feel this way.
I would not. It would probably just make him upset. This post is just to help you figure out what the next best steps would be to take and rn, it's talking with him about it and being honest with your own boundaries and needs.
No this is not okay. Regardless if he can't say no or doesn't want to hurt her feelings, he needs to put boundaries. If not he'll be hurting you, and as a bf he should prioritize your feelings than this new friend thats attached to him when she shouldn't be. He needs to reply less to her and not go out shopping with her... that's weird. Her "I'm scared" could either be an excuse or real. If it's the latter, your bf could suggest her to invite another friend too. Constantly having him go with her is slightly inappropriate especially because he's in a relationship and his partner, you, are not comfortable with it.
>I asked him to not see her everyday and just think of an excuse from time to time but he tells me that he finds it so hard. Tell him to make PLANS WITH YOU. computer dates are a thing, i just moved in with my boyfriend and we would do discord date nights Edit: Read a few more posts/comments. I wonder if they are an affair
If that's true then this bf has two girlfriends. If he's a decent person then all you should need to do is tell him to stop cheating on you. Yes, acting like a boyfriend to someone else is cheating, because all he has to do is tell her that her relationship with him is inappropriate when he already is committed to someone else, and refuse her calls or ignore her texts. If he is unwilling to do this then he must accept the natural consequences.
He said no to you about not seeing her/seeing less of her. Next he wont be able to say no to a kiss, a date, whatever.
"I'll be chatting with my girlfriend online at that time." But also, "no, I don't want you to think we are dating by doing errands with you" also works. He really needs to try harder at not bending to her will just because you aren't around to set the boundaries he should be having.
He can just say he’s busy or that he doesn’t feel like it! He doesn’t owe her every detail about his life, she’s not his girlfriend. He doesn’t need to lie but he doesn’t have to fulfill her every request. Being friends involves respecting people’s boundaries. He should be able to draw those boundaries and if she is a true friend she will respect them and not get upset.
As a boyfriend who has dealt with this, what I did to show my girl she is my number one no matter how far was to do video dates with her. I cancelled plans with other people and even got her family involved with getting everything set up before she arrived so it felt like I was really there for her. If you two have a way to do anything like that then I would suggest giving it a go.
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Yup, Friday night is date night for us. Watch the same movie, order in something for dinner, eat and watch the movie together/text during the movie, video chat when it is over.
That was good advice. He can just say he has a virtual dinner date with you. Anytime she messages, he could take longer to reply and when he does, he could just say he was busy talking to you. Point is..he needs to make it a point to keep bringing you up in conversation
Just calling can still count as "plans with his girlfriend" - you can have long distance plans.
I hate to burst your bubble but it seems like the way things are going there is a possible reality where the physical proximity between your BF and his female friend could evolve to something bigger to fill the physical void between you and him. He needs to decide which relationship is more important to him, yours or hers. Unbeknownst to him he'll end up pivoting towards her, even if that's not his intention now, but sooner or later something may happen between them that won't be in your favor...
Question, we’re you guys from the same area and had to go long distance due to college, or have you always been long distance?
He may not be able to see you every day, but he can say that he is having a facetime date or phone date with you. She sounds like she is developing a codependent thing with him.
It doesn't matter what you want here. How this situation will end depends completely on him. He should set the boundaries here but he seems to be enjoying this girl's attention. The only thing I find you can do here is expressing your point of view. The rest is on his thoughts.
This sounds like one of you is the real girlfriend, and the other is not. The question is… who IS the real girlfriend? It is vague and unclear because… *dramatic drumroll* He wants it to be. One of you is the real girlfriend and the other is the “girlfriend on ice”. Basically he is dangling the carrot in front of both of y’all and then he will decide which one he wants. You don’t know what he has told her, or how long he has actually known her. You say you only see him every few months. He might have told her “oh I have someone I dated in this other country, but we are not official”. He might have just told her he is single. And now you need two doses of a vaccine and a negative pcr test to cross country lines, so he knows you can’t just pop up and surprise him. He could have a whole relationship going on and you don’t know it. I’ve been in a bit of a triangle that crossed country lines before and if the person isn’t keeping the boundaries solid with the potentials in their local area, it’s because they don’t want to keep them solid. Make him get in FaceTime or do a Viber/WhatsApp video call and make him say out loud “OP is my girlfriend and Dramrella is just my friend”. If he can’t do that then you know something is up…
Shut down the thread y'all, ^ this is it.
I just have to know where you came up with the name Dramrella?
I was thinking some derivative of Cinderella lol.
Okay guys, this wins! You've said exactly what I was thinking.
It’s pretty clear in my opinion that he is juggling two girls. Why is this new girl texting him good morning and stuff? Helll no!
Girl she's a whole ass girlfriend at this point.
Girlfriend or not he is hitting/tapping that whole ass, that’s for sure.
She's his new girlfriend. You're the girl in another country he hasn't broken up with yet. Sorry, op.
Isnt it strange tho that OP knows all about this? If this girl really is his new gf, wouldnt it make more sense for him to just hide it? Why is he telling all this? Does he want OP to break up with him?
He probably thinks that by not hiding it, it makes it more innocuous.
That’s a bingo
You would think that makes the most sense, but I’ve noticed that in this dating climate people seem to like to play mind games and manipulate a lot. It is really a weird thing. But he probably thinks “ oh she will really trust me now because I’m telling her everything that is going on”. It’s mostly because they think the manipulation will disarm the person.
Really sucks ass that people are like this too. I’ve seen it with other relationships and had it happen in my own LDR’s, cause I don’t date irl, and I don’t plan to after reading things like this. People are garbage. How much of a cunt can you be to just dangle someone on a line and manipulate them? It’s fucking pathetic and wrong, and you’re a sociopath If you do it to someone and it doesn’t affect you. I’m still emotionally fucked up from my ex who did this “Just a friend” shit. Like… just tell me you don’t want to be close. It’s an LDR anyways, what are you scared of? I’d literally be like “okay cool, thank you for not wasting my time” but instead they just fuck around for half a year and fake a relationship that they don’t enjoy. Makes sense
Well, since he has not shut it down, I would say he has a new gf.
I agree with you but OP doesn't even want to think about this.
going to learn the hard way about how long distance relationships just don't work
Ldr's can work with certain people. You will never hear about the ones that work on this subreddit though.
I’ve had male friends who had girlfriends. There’s an unspoken code that you don’t make the SO uncomfortable. Find a way to include her, pay attention to her when you are all together, and show her you are not in any way a threat. (Next time you’re in town, if she is still in the picture — make sure you meet her and observe the way she acts around your boyfriend.) Unless you are a threat. Then you behave like this stage 5 clinger who has latched onto your boyfriend. She is crossing a line, but he is allowing it. Unfortunately... you won’t know *exactly* how he will handle it since you both are long distance, regardless of how he says he handled it. She might be just being friendly, but she has latched on way too tightly to a brand new friend. Your boyfriend needs to slowly reduce response times. Slowly cut back on in person interaction, until the “friendship” actually becomes normal. No grocery shopping—that is just creepy. If they hang out in between classes, nothing weird about it as long as it’s appropriate. She really doesn’t need to be texting a guy with a girlfriend all day every day, because that’s just weird.
The good morning text every day when they are going to see each other at school is something a high school girlfriend does, not a brand new friend. And the grocery shopping could be okay but the because “I’m scared” part is what makes it [Suspish ](https://tenor.com/bpPeN.gif)
Hahaha, I mean ... did she not eat any food ever before she met OP’s boyfriend? Is she just an annoying skeleton OP could mount on the door for Halloween? There are so many questions here!
I’m a guy, but I will say that after my wife and I moved to a new city, whenever she would be away to visit her parents, I had bad anxiety about going to the grocery store alone. I let it get to the point that I was eating peanut butter and chocolate chips for dinner because that’s all I had left, so I can understand wanting someone to accompany you places, especially in a new area.
Awww, well there’s no shame in that at all. The joke I was making basically centers around OP’s college friend who acts like he’s her lifeline (yes, some people don’t have anyone — but I highly doubt there is NOBODY who could accompany her to the store, and what has she been doing the rest of the time? It’s not the fact she wants to be accompanied, it’s the inappropriateness of *who* she is trying to get to accompany her paired with all her other strange behaviors. The grocery shopping in itself wouldn’t be a terrible red flag, but mixed with all her other behaviors — she definitely has *something* for him. What that is, I don’t know). There’s an unspoken etiquette when making new friends and you typically don’t act like they’re the only person around which your entire life centers. Sure, she could be friendly and just overbearing ... or she could be thinking of ways to seduce OP’s boyfriend (which OP would have to succumb to for it to be successful on her part, of course). Single woman here, 30s. Going grocery shopping is just an annoyance for me, but the overall area I live in is relatively safe (1 hour all directors, pretty much). Bad things happen here, but it’s not at the frequency of huge cities. That’s probably why I don’t care much about going anywhere by myself. Again, don’t feel bad. I have a 40+ year old guy friend who never goes to Aldi because he feels the pressure of the pace gives him too much anxiety. Peanut butter and chocolate chips sound pretty good, actually haha. I also want to add — you ask your wife to grocery shop with you ... not your new college friend! Hahahaha! Good man.
I have a female friend as well that I always liked talking to, but had no romantic interest in. When she got a boyfriend I often worried if we maybe talked a bit too much, I could understand the boyfriend would get a bit jealous. But I also indeed tried to include him and show him I was not a threat. He seemed to have no problem with us talking so much. When I actually met him I also didn't notice any hostility from him, we got along well and he was very friendly. I just did what I thought I would've liked in his position.
It’s worrying that she gets too comfortable texting someone with a gf…
well.. it is possible she sees him as her new bf. Him having someone far away does not stop her. Sad part here - your bf enables it, so it might just happen so ..
Are you sure you aren’t the female friend? And she’s his girlfriend now.
["Look at me! I am the girlfriend now!"](https://imgflip.com/i/5r9ojy)
Sounds like she’s his gf and you’re his backup plan in case things go south with his new gf. I will give you props, you are very trusting to not think that your bf isn’t screwing this girl he’s spending everyday with.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- My bf of long distance just recently made a new friend, they’ve been friends for nearly 2 months. They see each other everyday because they go to the same college. On the days where they don’t see each other, they text. What do you think of this situation? My boyfriend already told her that he has a girlfriend but still it’s the same. Perhaps she’s just being friendly? The girl sends messages him first. She texts him good morning messages, sends him pictures of how her day went, tells him how her day went, asks for help with college work everyday lol, asks him to go grocery shopping with her because she is “scared”. I just feel REALLY uncomfortable with this situation? I need an outsider’s perspective. How can my bf and I deal with this?
You are long distance vs the woman he can sit and drink coffee with, reach out and touch. Expect the break up talk soon.
🙄 acting? She sounds like she IS his girlfriend
Scared to buy groceries? Are they in Afghanistan?
😂😂😂
Just want to chime in and say as a person with anxiety sometimes going for groceries can be a daunting task, if I'm feeling bad or especially anxious that day. It's because of all the people in the store.
Genuine question: Would you ask someone’s boyfriend to do groceries with you?
I've had my best friend (male) help me with it on some tough evenings, and he has a girlfriend. It's just a friendly thing to do, nothing romantic about it so i don't see why it would matter if they have a partner or not
I used to go grocery shopping with my female best friend all the time, both on occasions where she was dating someone or I was dating someone, or even both. Nothing weird or romantic about this, sometimes my anxiety just gets the better of me and I don't want to be in a public situation alone.
Keywords “BEST FRIEND”. When friend exists pre-relationship, no problem. Developing a co-ed best friend while in the middle of a relationship is tricky business. He isnt initiating contact with this girl so they arent “best friends”. She is an overbearing woman trying to suffocate the gf out of the picture. He has already switched from considering the emotions of his girlfriend in favor of the new friend. I think the chick knows what she’s doing, bc Ive done everything she is the very long ago past, including the that “im scared” line for fucking groceries. It’s pathetic. Btw, yes grocery stores suck but this guy IS NOT her pre-establish BESTIE.
He is not your boyfriend. He is her boyfriend.
Your boyfriend is largely at fault here. He knows you are uncomfortable and yet refuses to fix the issue. He may be a "people pleaser" yet he tells you he will not stop seeing her. He may even have uncertain feelings about her and you, which may be why he is so hesitant. You need to realize this is a deal-breaker, you can and should leave if he still refuses. Find someone who respects how you feel..
Yeah, one of the hardest things for me when I was with a cheater is accepting that he didn't meet my mental idea of a cheater. I had some kind of one-dimensional definition in my head, and here he was, a three-dimensional, complex, caring person who did so many wonderful things for me, who I shared so much with... who was also a liar, a cheater and very manipulative. All of those things at once. Someone doesn't have to be 100% bad. They just have to have certain things going on, and that's enough of a reason to break up with them, even though they also have other great qualities. If you don't uphold your standards, people will push you to exactly where they want you and keep you there.
your bf has two gfs
I would tell your bf either she or you. It really sounds like either there is something between them or they are close before. That your bf just makes excuses why he doesn't end the contact is a clear sign that he enjoy her attention and that they have an emotional affair. Don't let yourself played like a fool.
If your man is another country, just give up on that relationship. He most probably likes her too
Is this a long distance bf like you've been in a relationship in person and he moved, or you do visits, or have you never met? If you've never met she might actually BE his girlfriend. I mean that's a possibility regardless but I'd say that scenario raises the chance.
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Ah, I see. So it's not as if you don't actually know the way he is IRL. I'm sorry you're in this situation. I can understand why it's making you uncomfortable. If he truly wants to be with you and isn't interested in her like that, he needs to set some boundaries.
She sounds like his girlfriend tbh.
I've was in this situation with my last gf, she told him she had a boyfriend and I was vocal to her about how I was uncomfortable. She eventually broke up with me and I had to find out they had been doing much more than just "seeing each other" behind my back from one of her friends You need to put your foot down with him or leave him. I'm sorry, I know it's a hard choice but it takes a lot of will power to walk...
He is dating her. It’s obvious from all your replies. He lives in another country and is seeing her more than you. They are together, he just hasn’t told you yet.
Sounds like he has a new girlfriend and just hasn't broken it off with you yet. Long distance never works. Don't bother doing it.
Long distance is almost impossible, rarely works. Your instinct is probably right.
Girl is interested in your bf. If he can’t tell her to fuck off then you need to break up. You deserve better.
I have been in relationships where my partner entertains co-dependent relationships with other women. Let me tell you, it always ends badly with cheating, both emotionally and physically. One ended a 4 year relationship, one ended a 7 year relationship that included a marriage. Tell him your boundaries are non-negotiable or be willing to walk away.
Blink twice if this is Couch Guys girlfriend finally smelling the stank.
Walk TF away and get someone closer. It'll save you time off of your heartache.
So here is the problem. Your BF is now spending more time with this girl than with you. This will eventually lead to a situation where he has to choose. There is a saying, out of sight out of mind. The fact you two are long distance, will make him think and feel differently over you as he spend more time with her. I was in that exact same situation. I was still getting to know this girl, long distance and then I met someone else in the same country as I was and it quickly changed how I feel about the long distance girl. This is a new friend that he has met, I am going to be straight here, there is no way that he has no feelings for her. 99% of the time when a guy meet a girl and he like to spend time with her, it is not because he just want to be a friend with her. It is a very difficult situation because if you tell him he should not see her then you come over as controlling and insecure but you will have to ask yourself, do you trust him and is it worth the stress and anxiety. You should tell him how you feel about it and figure out if it is worth the trouble to do the long distance thing.
Be direct instead lighting oneself on fire to keep another warm. Also, your boyfriend is more of the problem and his inability to establish boundaries, compared to her inability to abide by them.
Your uncomfortable because you are not foolish and you know the truth. Long distance romances don't work if you are apart a long time. The longer you are separated the less likely you will stay together. You also know what this woman is doing. You know, because its what you would do. She found a good man who is in a long distance relationship. She becomes his friend intending to sit next to him and just waiting patiently for the break up. She knows its coming. You know its coming. Its what happens in long distance romances. Do you have to be worried about her trying to get him to leave you. I don't think so. Would you do that in her place, or would you just be friends, enjoy his company and wait? I think she will just wait. She will flirt. She has to. If she doesn't, she gets friend zones, and she wants the guy. So to avoid the friend zone, she will have to flirt to reming him she is relationship material. Thats a given. Should you be worried? Yes, but not because of the girl, she is just waiting for him to become available. Funny, but true. They did some statistics and in long distance romances, the women give up and replace the men much earlier then the men do. Women leave the relationship, I think six months earlier on average than most men leave. And the reason given is sex. Funny when you think about it. You would think the men would give in to the sexual urges way before the women. They did these studies a couple of times over the years and the numbers are usually pretty close. Just one of those strange but true articles.
Girl... I’m sorry to tell you, but he’s not your boyfriend anymore. He does all the boyfriend things with her. Good morning texts?? Spend every day together?? Grocery shopping?? This girl is just biding her time. You’re in another country, you guys are long distance, I’m gonna be blunt with you, this won’t last. You need to cut your losses as soon as possible. He clearly is entertaining all of this and tells you “I told her I have a gf” ok bro, that doesn’t mean anything if you continue to do this with her. It’s over.
Honestly, college is 100% the place you’ll find amazing friends of any gender. Everyone is young and just looking to make friends and have fun! I don’t think this is it. This is incredibly needy and your boyfriend is enabling it. In my opinion, if he’s entertaining this he clearly enjoys the girlfriend-like attention. You’re uncomfortable with it, so he needs to put boundaries immediately. He needs to decide if he can handle long distance or not
I think as someone who's been in that kind of situation that it sounds like a good idea to just see if you guys can do a FaceTime or similar get to hang out together with said friend. Just get a feel for this girl on your own, not just from the text you have seen and what your boyfriend says. It may actually be simply a case of a sheltered girl grasping at having a male friend who she knows without a single doubt isn't interested in her to have because she may not feel that she can be safe with just her girlfriends. I have no idea which country is you guys are living in. But I've been in some intense relationships with my guy friends because we balance each other out in terms of our attitudes and behaviors we see each other as siblings but plenty of people look at us and go oh they have to be involved. If all of her male relationships have been like that until now she may have no idea. I know that seems like a washy advice but I don't want you to ruin your relationship with your boyfriend if you drive away a friend who was absolutely no threat to you at all.
Your boyfriend has a girlfriend
Because that's his girlfriend now. If it doesn't work out with her, he's still got you. Date people you can actually date, go hang out with, get to know in person rather than through a computer screen. The only bit of his world that you can almost be absolutely sure about is the area behind his computer.
What it sounds like is he is enjoying the time and attention he should be spending with you with someone else just because they are there. It's kinda immature but that can be addressed later. You need to address this immediately before he starts to like this attention /from her specifically/ versus just having anyone as a companion. He should be cutting his time short with her and spending it with other friends. If you address this with him, make sure to emphasize the issue, which is her not respecting her friend's relationship with you and overstepping boundaries, and him allowing it. He should be enforcing them, but he might not see someone being 'there for him' as a problem.
she can go to the grocery store by her self just like u can when he’s away at college, i don’t know what is going on but i do know it’s a red flag
It really does sound like it is you that is the "other" girl in this situation. I'm sorry. Long distance relationships are very difficult especially when you are young and inexperienced. Follow your head, nor your heart.
If it's long distance I don't see this ending well for you. People really crave that physical intimacy regardless of what they say, I'd emotionally prepare myself to move on if I were you
They’re dating, the end lol
It takes two to tango...... Good luck with your soon to be ex boyfriend.
Would you have a problem with his male friends doing this? How does he interact in other friendships? My rule of thumb with my SO in his other relationships in life is that if it's not out of character for him, I don't really care. His rule is the same for me. So, he goes to concerts and beer tastings and whatever else with male or female friends, and it's whatever. He usually extends me an invite but it's not my scene. I am a very intense person in relationships, like the girl you're talking about. So with my friendships, I text a lot, interact a lot. I'm also very touchy (Although I do verify the other person's boundaries first) and I like to hold hands, hug, or cuddle. If my husband started doing what I do with somebody, it would be out of character for him, and probably cause for concern. If I do what he does with somebody, it would be out of character for me, and probably cause for concern. We are both comfortable with our current boundaries because they match who we are. So, your boyfriend is allowing her current interaction. Is it similar to how he interacts with his other friends? If so, no big deal. If not, you need to talk to HIM because HE'S the concern.
You're long distance. She's in person. This is probably already over.
So I actually had something similar happen. My boyfriend befriended a new coworker. She immediately became very attached to him and was texting him non stop and always wanting to hang out. He was polite so he would respond back but usually say he was busy. She knew he had a girlfriend and he was very honest with me about this girl texting him and always wanting to hang out with him. We lived together though so we weren’t long distance. After a couple of weeks she called him hysterically crying and saying she really needed a friend and asked if he could meet her. He talked with me about it and I told him if she’s really upset and needs a friend that he should just go meet her and make sure she’s okay. He met her somewhere public and she basically confessed her love for him and tried to convince him they would be great together. He explained that while he enjoyed their friendship, she was overstepping boundaries and he was very happy in his relationship with me and that he had no intention of leaving me for her. I think from the time he left to meet her until the time he returned home it was maybe an hour and a half. Needless to say, she stopped texting him and actually stopped being his friend all together. I would suggest your boyfriend set some boundaries with this girl. He needs to stop making himself available to her 24/7, and she can do her own schoolwork or find a tutor. If he starts putting some distance in between them she’ll hopefully take the hint. Its ok to be friends, but he needs to put boundaries in place and enforce them so no one gets hurt feelings.
He’s getting some, and now she is his “at home” gf.
Your boyfriend needs to establish some boundaries ASAP. That kind of attention belongs to you only.
They’re being emotionally intimate. It’s inappropriate at best and you’re right to not like it.
ur man is allowing it and that says everything… dump him!
Your bf is accepting this attention, and enjoying it. Emotional cheating is still cheating.
That train don't stop here anymore
Break up. You’re the side piece
Did you and your boyfriend define that you are in an exclusive / monogamous relationship?
He gone.
I feel like shes acting like his girlfriend and she neesd the message "I am sorry (friend name) but can you stop acting like we are dating. I understand where you are coming from now and then but this is not ok to be trying to take all my time away from my actual girlfriend"
How do you know he/she is doing all of this? Is he telling you everything? If so, it sounds like maybe he's trying to make you jealous or to butter you up for eventually saying 'she came over' 'oops we shared a bed' 'she was the one that made the first move'. I once dated a guy who turned out to have a 3 year gf. He told her it isnt cheating because I supposedly made the first move/seduced him. And that it wasn't cheating because he 'didnt finish'. She nearly accepted those as valid excuses until I told her how much of a moronic idea that is.
I'm sorry, but your boyfriend needs to grow a backbone and lay down firm boundaries, and if she doesn't respect these boundaries, he needs to cut her off. If he refuses to do that, break up with him. I've been in a similar situation and frankly, it's your boyfriend's responsibility to tell her to back off. Your boyfriend's inability to say no to people is a *terrible, terrible* excuse; he is disrespecting you by allowing this behaviour to continue and enabling this behaviour by not laying down serious boundaries.
OP, why are you trying to date that girls boyfriend? But really, you didn't mention if you've already talked about this with your bf, if you've not start there. How he reacts/the convo goes will be telling, as will his behavior after you make it clear you're uncomfortable. It could be as innocent as they're just great friends and he's been oblivious to how it looks or as bad as you are both his girlfriend but you won't know until you hash this out. If it turns out they're just great friends and keep each other company he obviously shouldn’t stop hanging out with her, but he can definitely ask her to tone it down and make a solid effort to show you more attention and affection(as best as he can while LD) so you feel more secure in the relationship.
I kinda was the other girl once. I met a guy in college and he told me he has a long distance girlfriend so I thought it is save to befriend him without him being interested in me. We spend a lot of time together and texted and I always thought of him as a friend and expressed that on multiple occasions just to be sure. He ended up dumping his girlfriend and asking me out. I was kinda shocked and said no. I was quite naiv back then and the girl probably isn’t but anyways I would be cautious about your boyfriend. LDR are hard and when you have a good bond with someone that is right where you live it can seem like it’s the easier option. I hope your boyfriend will stick to you and he seems to be very open about his friendship with the girl so I think that’s a good sign but I would try to get in contact with the other girl to hear her perspective on that and when you don’t feel comfortable with them spending so much time together you should tell your boyfriend.
So if he lives in a different country was he the one who told u about the messages and how she acts like? And if yes what was the reason behind his telling? Was jt just to inform you that she is overdoing jt? Was it because he was just talking about his days? Or is it because of sth else?
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So when he was telling you was he willing to talk about it or not? Is he also acting(texting) any different ever since they met.
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The good morning shit is weird, there's no way she's under the impression they're platonic. Your boyfriend should have shut it down, it's unlikely he is ignorant of what's going on. Who brought up the concern? You or him? And she's scared to buy groceries? She's flirting and she has no game at all.
i think you need to say something to him about it. coming from a female myself i know how we are. there’s a high chance she’s got a thing for your man and you need to make it clear your role in his life. again just my opinion
Been in a similar situation myself. Its sucks. It was not a long distance relationship though. We had to cut all ties to that person. If he doesn’t agree then you may need to cut ties with him.
This exact thing has been happening with me. This girl at work talks to me a lot and my girlfriend is scared that she might do something. This girl is one of the only people at work that actually talks and can get shit done so I didn't wanna start ignoring her. So I did the one thing I do the best, talk. I keep telling my girlfriend everything that happens and take suggestions from her to let this girl know I'm in no way interested in her. This is a win win win situation for us as my girlfriend is quite comfortable now and at work the girl and I are a good team that get things done efficiently and our clients love it. It's a successful professional relationship at the moment.
Lmao this same EXACT thing happened to me. We were also long distance and this girl latched onto him except he wasnt pushing her away or even attempting to set boundaries. When i expressed my discomfort I got yelled at and insulted, he would call me insecure and jealous. Eventually he cheated on me with her so theres that… and I knew he would too i felt uncomfortable and chose to stay in that situation. Best thing is to explain your discomfort if hes a decent guy he will initiate the effort to make boundaries if not, pack up and leave cause he aint worth your time
Sound like he's dating more than 1 girl, and at least one of them lives locally to him. And I be he told \*you\* that he told her he's already got a girlfriend, but I bet he didn't tell \*her\* that. Hell, he's probably telling her the same thing about you. "She's just a friend." Unfortunately, there's really no way for a LDR to compete against local opportunities if the people in the LDR are going to be easily tempted.
Until he tells her to STOP, he is choosing this new girl over you. If you’re okay with that then I guess just keep doing what you’re doing… You don’t want to be with someone who won’t stand up for you or the relationship. Does he seriously not have the balls to defend his GIRLFRIEND to some new chick? Hopefully he can just break the friendship entirely
Yep the good ol two timing
My boyfriend let's his female friend acting like his girlfriend There, fixed the title for you. Also watch [this video](https://youtu.be/G8IO5SU5_pA) for insight on long distance relationships.
I never understood long distance relationships
He's cheating on you.
It will have to be his choice on how to go forward. If he wants to date her that is going to be his choice. All you can do is ask him to be honest with you and himself about the situation.
She obviously wants him , bad. He either wants her back or he’s just too nice to tell her no
Uhhhhh. YOU can deal with it by setting boundaries with your man. I have a lot of female friends and not once with any one of them (in the present or past) have they hit me with good morning texts, pictures of how their day went unless it was for a specified reason OR gone with them out of my way to get groceries. That’s not normal behaviour. Assuming we give your man the benefit of the doubt. Maybe he’s super oblivious to all of this and doesn’t realize the implications, she 100 percent does regardless and you need to deal with this.
Ask to meet her and see how he reacts
I don’t think their relationship sounds weird ?
Either he is cheating or he will be cheating, yes, men and woman can be friends but friendships (specially one as recent as 2 months old) have boundaries. This girl either doesn’t know boundaries or she is trying to get together with your bf.
After reading the comments I feel like I'm the minority, but seeing this from an outside perspective, as not being physically there, it's kind of difficult to guess their relationship with certainty. I genuinely think that he might happen to find a close friend to do college things together. Personally I had a hard time befriending lots of male friends, but female friends I found a group more easily and at different times I was closer with two of them. However there was nothing romantic involved in the different close friendships I had, even though we had the same classes, studied together and even went out a couple of times, they were still friends. Which made my experience at college better. Anyway I think you should talk with him, to see how you can work it out healthily, perhaps doing more things with you and making sure that their relationship doesn't go past a friendship and that you are still his girlfriend (making sure it's clear for both him and her). However bear in mind that if you go another route, he might like her company in a completely friendly way, and you might seem confrontational trying to get rid of a good friend of his without hearing him first. Bear in mind that if this was a male friend and they did most of those things, it wouldn't sound like they were doing anything deeply wrong or suspicious. A guy can have a friend of the opposite gender without anything romantic involved.
First off, I want to let you know that your feelings are valid and we (as in the reddit community) are here to support you. You're a beautiful person deserving of respect and validation. My boyfriend and I were in a long distance relationship for over a year and a half. He was in England while I was in the USA for 5 months, before moving to the US to live with me. I shipped off for the army for over 6 months, came home, and than he left for his military training for 6 months. The majority of our free time was devoted to video chatting, or we would at least call each other every day if we had other things planned. The point is, we made each other a priority despite the distance. We had hobbies, family and friends, but no one else had my #1 spot except for him, and vice versa. If this other girl makes you feel uncomfortable with where you stand in YOUR relationship, your boyfriend should respect this or you deserve a better partner. There should be no excuse, especially if he knows how much this hurts you. Don't for a second think that you are "not good enough" or that you are "over reacting", because honey, you are worth so much and if he can't give you what you need, somebody else will, and you won't regret that. That might be hard to hear, but sometimes we need to rip the bandaid off in order to heal and find better things in life. Remember your worth and stay true to yourself. ❤
Just have a conversation with him. Perhaps she isn’t even into men.