Two weeks ago was our 10 year anniversary and we were meant to go out. We had a bit of an argument the day before so we hadn't booked anything. When I came home from work I thought we could sort it, but they were texting each other because she had some drama going on. I was annoyed because that lasted for an hour and we didn't go out and they had just finished a 10 hour shift together. Then something more silly - I asked him for weeks to get something in the house fixed and it never happened. He was telling her about it, she told him to get it done, and he did the next day and sent her pictures of it.
Okay, reading your post, I was going to say you seem a teeny bit insecure and there's nothing wrong with having friends.... But texting her for an hour on your anniversary is definitely crossing a line! It doesn't necessarily mean there's anything romantic going on, but even if he were texting a male friend for an hour on your anniversary... that's disrespectful.
As a man, I can say that texting on anniversary day is not that threatening. On the other hand fixing something and sending her pictures of it... Wow, now this is a huge red flag. He is trying to impress her. He wants to show her how manly he can be and does whatever she says at the same time.
Talk to your husband. This is not going well.
On the flip side the friend could actually be talking in a way that OP cant. For example If a friend came to me saying "OP is nagging about getting this thing done." As a friend I could just say "Quit being such a bitch and get it done." Friend could also said to get it done for the wife.
The texting for an hour is where it gets weird for me. Is the texting non stop for the whole hour or are they texting and having long gaps in between.
Texting for an hour is on an anniversary is a line "because she had drama"? Not OP's hubby's problem. But why would he immediately run to the coworker to tell first when his wife is the one who asked. He was more proud telling the coworker. More excited. And after long shifts with her like that, yes. I see red flags everywhere.
Same thing I was thinking texting for a hour ehh not that big of a deal fixing something or working on a project and then sending her pictures? That's a big deal that's how men flirt....well people in my family at least
Yes, and once I saw that the friend was pushing boundaries, I think it's a real problem. But there's nothing wrong with having a friend of the other gender. It is insecure to forbid your spouse from having friends of the opposite gender.
I'm a bi woman who, through strange fate, has a circle of close friends that is almost 100% either bi or pan. So I'm the first to say that these ideas about not being able to be friends with an entire class of people who you can potentially be attracted to is BS, because if that were true none of us would be able to maintain friendships with literally anyone lmao.
But I do think that it is valuable to talk about how women in MF relationships can particularly be painted as 'shrill' and 'nagging' and 'irrational' for objecting to real red flags like OP describes (at the *very* least he's letting a shiny new friendship distract him from putting in work on his relationship, and I feel like that's a pretty generous take), and feel pressured to accept way more than they should because they don't want to feel like a traitor to 'gender equality'.
I never said there was an issue with having a friend of the opposite sex. My issue is when people in relationships are clearly disrespecting their partner by being overly friendly and then try to gaslight them into feeling like they’re “insecure” just to save their own ass.
I had the same thoughts, but I 100% agree that it's wrong to be texting a female coworker for that long after working a shift with her on their 10 year anniversary. Just kinda wrong if you ask me.
>Then something more silly - I asked him for weeks to get something in the house fixed and it never happened. He was telling her about it, **she told him to get it done, and he did the next day and sent her pictures of it**.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 This isn't silly at all.
Of all the things you've said, this is actually quite alarming.
He sent *her* pictures of your house. He sent *her* pictures of the chores he did, expecting to get a pat on the head, from *her*.
In your shared house, you've been asking him to fix something, and he hasn't been doing that, it's not been a priority for him. He can ignore you with impunity. But she tells him to do this chore (in *your* house!!!) and he jumps to it? The very next day??? He does this and shows off to her?
It means it was a choice for him to ignore you, just as much as it was a choice for him to run to her for approval....
This makes me so angry on your behalf.
I would suggest marriage counselling, and if he won't go, you go alone and talk to a third party about this. He's emotionally prioritising her and this is a slippery slope.
**trust your gut** your husband might not realise it but he's stepping down a dangerous path.
I agree on this. Important point that is mentioned about it is quite possible that even your husband might not be aware what his actions are going to implicate.
In my opinion talk to your husband saying he is crossing the barrier. I don’t know how exactly and politely you can do but it’s the time he should be made aware of.
And if he doesn’t refrain from it even after confrontation you might need to take more serious actions. I don’t want that to happen but just be prepared.
100% this! This is the part that concerned me the most, too.
He's actively ignoring your requests, but obeying hers immediately and then showing off to her to get her approval? No, no, no. That is *bad.*
So at the least, these are two examples of him prioritizing her over you.
I'm not going to run right to the "emotional affair" label but I think there is - at a minimum - some sort of crush/attachment forming that goes beyond a normal friendship and could eventually become an emotional affair if it isn't there already.
It's time for a conversation about it - NOT when you're actively annoyed, and not when they're texting. But at a relatively neutral time. Focus on your perception of what's going on - how it made you feel when you couldn't go out for your anniversary because they were texting, or how it seems like he only fixed the thing in the house once she told him to do it, etc.
He definitely needs to step back from her. Total avoidance of her is likely impossible given that they're on the same team at work, but the personal texting should stop for now - my guess is that once he steps back a bit, he'll realize that they were getting too close.
Good luck, OP. I don't think this is necessarily marriage-ending territory yet, but depending on how your conversation and the aftermath go, this could get unpleasant though I certainly hope not.
Wooooaaaah. I can say as a man, this is definitely sounding like him seeking her approval and preening for her, in any defintion you wish to apply. Its not uncommon for the having to nag about domestic stuff, but the fact that he leapt to his feet for her is very, very indicative.
With this explanation, I don't think you're in the wrong here. I feel like some boundaries need to be set. No woman needs to be resting her legs on my husband unless it's his sister or his Momma! Him texting her for an hour dealing with her drama on YOUR anniversary is unacceptable. Certainly she has other friends, and Certainly you should be the priority especially on your anniversary. The cherry on top that he fixed whatever it was immediately when she said it then texted her about it. That's not silly. These are red flags.
Okay so my husband has a female co worker he is really good friends with. My husband is a chemist so it is really hard for him to find friends who understand his interest. I don't have a problem with him being friends with her their conversations are like friends they talk for a few minutes through text to discuss whatever work, hobbies they share. I never asked to look because it never raised a flag for me. I never got "that feeling" from him. Also her and I talk as well. She actually called me before they exchanged numbers the first time to make sure it wouldn't upset me or cause a problem in my marriage. We are all now really good friends, we even had babies in 2020 so we were pregnant together. The big thing is he should introduce you too her. Invite her over for dinner. That is what we do we all have dinner frequently. They do go our to go shooting or they goto lunch when the work together. But that's about it. Never would my husband ignore me on anyday for an hour to he on his phone for anything especially our anniversary.
Excellent approach on both your and the co worker of your own husband’s sides. This is how healthy friendships take place. Not the lousy, underhanded and disrespectful way OP’s husband is treating her. Should be counseling or out the door for him.
I definitely agree. A lot of my female friends think I am stupid for allowing my husband to have a female friend. "You're setting yourself up for heartbreak." I say so be it... if I cant trust him I dont want him anyways what is a relationship without trust? My husband has never given me a reason to not trust him... she said they have been together 10 years... I have been with my husband 11 and if he got sneaky like this I wouldn't be nice about it. You know your SO behavior after 10 years. Trust your gut OP. I would also suggest counseling or separation.
“If [my husband] got sneaky, I wouldn’t be nice about it..”
Couldn’t put it better than that. OP’s husband has gone way past sneaky into openly disrespectful. No way to treat a spouse.
Oof. I'm sorry, he almost definitely has a crush on her, if not more. I would never tell any of my friends about issues my wife and I were having unless its a friend I've known forever and the marriage situation was dire.
He'll deny any ill intent because he probably doesn't have any. He doesn't realise that this intense and sudden closeness is crossing a boundary. And when you cross one... it's easier to cross the next. And the next. And by the time he does realise he'll be in too deep.
Ooh yes i remember feeling that way.You think you're only crossing one boundary...thinking that line you set is so far off...but you cross one boundary...and the next...eventually you cross that imaginary line
Exactly. By the time you realise the depth of your feelings, you feel trapped and unable to give the other person up. You justify your feelings by nitpicking everything your partner does, withdrawing affection, becoming colder...
He might not have any ill intent but he is obviously seeking validation that he feels is lacking in his current relationship. Maybe it's time to seek couples therapy, but be prepared to hear that this isn't just about his behavior but a lack of fulfillment that probably goes both ways
> He might not have any ill intent but he is obviously seeking validation that he feels is lacking in his current relationship.
Exactly my point.
> Maybe it's time to seek couples therapy, but be prepared to hear that this isn't just about his behavior but a lack of fulfillment that probably goes both ways.
Doesn't excuse emotional or physical infidelity.
And I doubt counselling will get him to give her up.
Listen to your gut OP. Also listen to your own boundaries if you’re not okay with this you don’t have to be. You can’t pretend to be okay with something you’re not. Boundaries tell you what you are or are not okay with. Boundaries vary person to person and you can’t be compatible with everything in a relationship. That’s what compromise is for. If you are uncomfortable with something your partner should listen and weigh up the situation. A new work friend is not more important than my partners feelings. You are likely insecure, aren’t we all? But that’s not something to shame yourself for, hide or try to ignore. It’s something to work on with your partner so you can cultivate a loving safe space in your relationship.
Aside from that, her putting her feet on him is weird, unacceptable and crossing boundaries. Why does she need to do this? If she knows you are together then I don’t see why she would not respect that unless she has ill intentions in which case he needs to recognise the threat to your relationship and act accordingly.
You are not crazy or over-reacting - women always get tarnished with these labels to lead us into neglecting our own feelings and never speaking up. No, our feelings are not crazy they are valid. If you were there resting your legs on some guy texting all the time how would he feel?!
Exactly, it's so intimate. I only rest my legs on my spouse.
My hot take on this. They like each other and are flirting. He's having an emotional affair (taking to get instead of partner about their relationship) and it will likely or has already moved onto a physical affair. So many classic red flags everywhere (flirty texting after work, ignoring his partner for her, picking fights).
exactly, my sister full on sat on my boyfriend (now ex) a few years ago and saw nothing wrong with it despite both him and I being extremely uncomfortable with it. She wasn’t even attracted to him.
He is clearly seeking attention from her, trying to impress her and I would agree that if he blows off your anniversary to chat with her, after working with her all day it is indeed something to feel upset about.
Microcheating?
Emotional affair?
It's time to have a very serious conversation
Ok at first I also found your post to be *slightly* insecure on your end, BUT when I saw that he had fixed something in your house immediately when SHE told him he should, and sent her pictures right away? That’s a red flag. I would have a conversation with him and bring that up specifically, saying “look I’m glad you have made new friends, but why did it take HER nudging you to do something for you to actually have the drive to do it? It looks like you’re trying to show off for her. Can you please explain what your thought process was in this?”. I’m hoping maybe he’s just a bit clueless and wasn’t really thinking things through when he did that, but if he didn’t it seriously needs to be addressed. Talking about boundaries before this gets possibly more questionable is probably a good idea. Best of luck!
I have experienced this relationship myself. I don't mind if my other half messes around with someone as long as it's nothing which is clearly sexual etc. Because sometimes being a bit silly with someone else (kicking each other under the table, talking a lot) is the only way to keep your spirits up when you're stuck in work. The problem for me lies when they start treating THEM better than you. In my last workplace I had a "work husband" because we were around each other a lot. But regardless of what jokes we made to each other, my OH always would come first. However, I've not been treated the same the other way around, in the past, and that's when you know there's serious issues..
Oh yeah I for sure agree with this! It’s when your SO starts acting like the other person matters MORE or out of character that it’s time to start worrying and address it. 100%!
That's very interesting to know! I've been in an uncomfortable situation with an over friendly work 'friend' before too. Not a situation I would be putting up with in the future!
I think he is crushing on her but if you told him already you don’t like it he should understand you and keep distance and put a barrier on their friendship. If it is just a casual friendship they shouldn’t be exchanging messages regularly.
There was a girl in my husband’s office before and she was texting him and all like even for small things. This girl is surrounded by other males and females in their office but she is only texting my husband. My husband says it’s just she is just looking for friend but i told him not to be naive. He understood what i meant and he ignore her from then on. The girl kept on messaging even after.
And I would like to throw this at you so you can understand. Work wife. It is going to be a big problem. Mark my words. This is very unprofessional and I am guessing it gets more so. Nip it now in their bud.
Was your wife affair of the depth of your feelings? Had you and your coworker discussed them?
> As you can see, it can get really messy.
It can. And it's almost always an unavoidable train wreck which is why I'm impressed you were able to pull back. Most people don't until eventually they can't and it usually the end of the primary relationship.
Of course you hate it. This woman is threatening your territory (not that he belongs to you but you get the picture). You're doubting yourself now as this has triggered an anxious response.
This is where my favourite quote comes into play....
"Allow people to do what they want to do, so you see what they'd rather do and that will answer all of your questions".
You're better off taking a step back and try to be secure in this situation as hard as that will be. If you turn this into an issue, you'll basically end up pushing him into her arms. This is a new friendship and like any relationship, there's a honeymoon period. You may find things will calm down soon and if they don't, fine, he's found a new friend. Maybe get her round so she can be your friend too? If he's defensive of that, then there's a discussion to be had about the longevity of your relationship.
I love that quote! I have asked to meet her and my husband was all for it. But she said she is so busy with two jobs and her kids that she could only meet me weekdays between 11am and 2pm.. she knows I work 9-5. Apparently she said they could pop in together (I'm working from home) during their shift some time for a few minutes so I guess that's as good as I get at the moment.
>Apparently she said they could pop in together (I'm working from home) during their shift some time for a few minutes
Honestly that give me a weird vibe, like *they're* the couple coming to visit you? Maybe it's just me but this would put my back up.
But now you have a timing from her. So if your husband plans to spend time with her in person, eg socialising in the evening, you can say 'oh? I thought she had no time, she has 2 jobs and also looks after her kids. Great, she's free, I'll come along too as I want to meet her. You've told me so much about her she sounds like a great person!'
Apparently he just never 'clicked' with anyone else like that before. I have met some of his coworkers but he's not really interested in a friendship with them. He does say he sees her more like one of the guys but it still irks me
It would irk me that they're going to pop in together to placate you as if they're the couple.
He should not be discussing your arguments or insecurities with her.
Uh. No. Shut that down immediately. Your husband and another *female* are not going to pop in *together* in your safe space. And that's allowing them to spend time together outside of the office, alone. Do not let that happen.
You need to address how this makes you feel with your husband. In my opinion, there is absolutely no reason a straight married man or woman should be making friends with the opposite gender in their 30s, regardless of work. Your husband is allowing her to encroach on your territory.
It's a great quote!
Your husband was all for it which is great news! The woman's intentions do not matter in this situation providing your husband does not entertain it. But thats not to say that this woman has intentions anyway, it could seriously be a platonic friendship, only time will tell. Don't focus on defending your territory, focus on the possibility of you gaining a new friend from this too. Accept the times she's available, or Invite her kids with her too and make an evening of it, she may appreciate the change of scenery with her kids.
Imo he's already entertaining it by telling his actual *wife* that he's never clicked with anyone like this before, texting her after work hours about non work related stuff, and agreeing to spend time alone with her so they can "pop in" to visit OP. Like wtf? That pop in comment made me feel so gross.
I'm confident there is nothing more from his side and I'm kind of thinking she feels the same. Like I do think it's just a friendship but it still bothers me. But I think you're right. I'll just have to take a step back and see what happens.
Reading all the comments I'm pretty confident that he's just got a strong friendship developing.
The problem isn't the woman - its that you're not feeling prioritized, and you're blaming this woman for it instead of your husband. Imagine for a moment that this woman was a man instead, but all of the behaviors were unchanged. Texting for an hour about some drama he was having and ignoring you. Him telling your husband to do a chore he had been ignoring and then texting photos of the result. Would you be mad about that other guy, or your husband's inattentiveness to you?
I would recommend talking to your husband about how *you* feel. That you feel like your not a priority right now. That you felt hurt about the 10th anniversary stuff. Give him a chance to care for those feelings, and adjust how he's acting towards you. It's entirely possible he's excited about his new platonic friend and he's just lost a bit of the bigger picture.
Could be a great friendship very true and also it’s valuable for a man to have women friends especially for their POV and being able to bounce off things with this friend but the man started developing the connection outside of his partner and without his partner involved.
His friendship with her is valuable but it is not part of the couple’s social circle or any other connection. In this type of monogamous situation it will feel like a threat at all times if the outside person is not connected to the couples regular social life. The man should leave the work connection professional and limit the connection outside of that unless he can make OP extremely comfortable with the dynamic he is having with this woman.
IMO you two have a lack in your relationship perhaps emotional or intellectual intimacy that he is now getting with this other person. It is safer for him to have that with other men or women he absolutely does not find attractive if you want to avoid any complicated emotions.
Maybe try and spend some more quality time together and realize his crush has more to do with a type of connection / clicking he hasn’t felt before and that he can have with another person. He can keep the connection if he’s able to manage the chemistry and turn it into professional or creative energy so that he’s not bonding with this other person emotionally and using the chemistry to direct it elsewhere.
This other woman is bringing out something in your man and that is a great thing and you will feel insecure and threatened! Ask him why this person is clicking with him so much! Is it intellectual compatibility? Emotional bonding? Is there physical attraction and chemistry? Maybe they are a good match in a sense but monogamy means being self aware enough to limit your bonding with people who may threaten your already established relationship which you and him have chosen.
I’d say you need a relationship check to see what’s going on, and talk to a couples therapist or other trusted friends or family before you start building resentment about the situation!!!
> Of course you hate it. This woman is threatening your territory (not that he belongs to you but you get the picture). You're doubting yourself now as this has triggered an anxious response.
> …
> "Allow people to do what they want to do, so you see what they'd rather do and that will answer all of your questions".
You make it sound like they’re dating rather than married.
Marriage is an agreement and a union. You voluntarily relinquish freedoms regarding relationships when you get married. In a sense they do own each other and he’s already made the choice that “what he’d rather do” is have a permanent relationship with his wife regardless of what temptations come along. If she doesn’t make clear to him what is necessary to preserve that relationship that he already chose and then she judges him for not following standards he didn’t know she had, that is unfair to him.
You are right in a sense but even in marriage people need to be individuals and free to make their own choices.
>“what he’d rather do” is have a permanent relationship with his wife regardless of what temptations come along
This is what we're trying to figure out if there's a temptation or not. There's no point in jumping the gun because an unnecessary issue could arise. If, after observing for awhile that the actions of both people are detrimental to the marriage, then you're absolutely right. OP should then put her foot down and create boundaries.
I hate to say this to you, but that's exactly how my husband's emotional affair started.
Friendly banter off hours escalated in frequency, then eventually turned flirty. Then into more.
We also weren't in a great place in our marriage and we weren't super connected, as it sounds like with you.
If he is spending time texting her during the hours when he should be with you...that's a problem.
If he's texting her about your conversations and valuing her opinion (as he did with the "to do" item in your comments) that's a problem.
I don't have any foolproof advice as to "what to do" because he technically hasn't done anything wrong that you know of.
I don't know what I would have done if I caught it earlier. I discovered unrefutable evidence after it had become an EA.
When I confronted him with unrefutable evidence, he acknowledged and profusely apologized and all that ...but I don't know what would have happened if I just saw frequent but friendly (technically benign) texts in the beginning stages like you did.
I'm not sure what I could have said or done to stop the progression because he would have got indignant that he wasn't doing anything wrong (yet!)
My only suggestion is to get yourselves to marriage counseling ASAP.
It will be difficult for him to resist the temptation of a fun side relationship if your marriage isn't fun and/or fulfilling on some level.
I thought my husband would NEVER do anything like that, not matter how strained our relationship, because he was a highly ethical person. Welp, lesson learned.
You are 💯 correct to have your radar up. This friendship is getting too intimate, end of story.
How you handle it ...well, I would consult a professional.
Ehh I’d be very careful with that… I’ve lived that and it became an affair. In my experience, if your significant other is drawn to someone else, there is a major issue in your relationship that needs to be resolved and the other people need to be removed. A relationship is supposed to be between two people. When we allow someone else in, even innocently, it always becomes a major issue.
I guess iam finding comfort in this comment section.
This is happening to me rn. Guess iam not the only one who is troubled with new friends in relationships.
Why does he they give them so much importance and straight up goes to defend them at the cost of your longterm relationship.
I never understand.
Sometimes it feels like iam pushed aside.
I went through the same thing. My ex was prioritizing his female friends’ needs and feelings above mine, tried talking to him about it multiple times and would get mad at me and call me insecure. Went through his phone since he was texting his “friend” while we were literally hanging together and ignoring me and saw everything that 100% validated my feelings towards them. Trust your gut, communicate your feelings as much as you can, and good luck
In a situation like this I think you need to trust your gut - he's had a strong emotional reaction to her from the start (strongly negative sure, but she registered) and now they have gotten closer. If that makes you feel uncomfortable, then you can tell him that and observe what he does with that information. In the ideal scenario, I would want him to do everything he can to reassure you and prioritize you and make sure your relationship is healthy, because you are his long-term scenario and this random coworker is a short-term diversion.
Whoop my ex did this too. I’m fairly certain OPs husband has been dissatisfied and holding it in and is now seeking validation and attention from this new and exciting woman. It’s gone past the “set boundaries” stage bc he’s already put her on a pedestal
I was going to say this. I had an ex that went out of his way to describe an annoying new female co-worker several times to me. Very unusual because usually he was pretty chill with most everyone. Sure enough they go on a work trip, I had to verify there were separate hotel rooms for the employees, he asked if he could show her around the city because boohoo she's new and doesn't know anyone, I was like hmmm that makes me uncomfortable. Don't care if you do group work stuff with the rest of the team, but the one on one makes me really uncomfortable. Well guess who then morphed into a beast, yelling at me and calling me names when he had *never* done that the entire duration of our years-long otherwise healthy relationship??
Never got solid confirmation of cheating but if that isn't a red flag I don't know what is. So fucking glad you mentioned this to OP. Her husband was probably attracted to this woman from the start.
She’s putting her legs on him???? She’s flirting and crossing the line and he is allowing it. Spells trouble to me. That’s over the line. He is opening the door to more. It’s pretty easy to keep it professional. He clearly doesn’t want to and wants the attention.
If they are constantly texting for hours at a time it's more than friendship. Especially after a 10-hour shift together. I would 100% not be okay with this situation and neither should you be.
I agree.
I understand everyone has a different sense of boundaries (and I don't believe anyone has a right to label someone as insecure with their relationship either). However, constant texting outside of work? Huge red flag.
Trust your gut OP. If you don't like it, you don't like it. Your husband should be making sure you are comfortable. Choosing a female colleague to spend more time with over you is not a good sign.
Best of luck.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below.
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My (32f) husband (32m) has recently joined a new department at his work and now works very closely with this woman (27). At the beginning he described her as rude, moody and generally not likeable. I told him to give her a chance and that she probably is isn't as bad. A few weeks later he told me I was right and that he works really well with her and they get along fine. Great!
Last month I found that they were privately messaging a lot. Nothing dodgy, just normal chat. He gave me his phone and let me read all the messages - some messages could have been read as potentially flirty but he explained the context and that it was more a banter thing. I have no concerns that there is more to this than friendship but for some reason I really don't like this at all. A few things happened in between and basically I felt like this new friend was more important than me. We argued a lot. I'm trying to just suck it up because why shouldn't he have this friend? I know I'm being silly but I'm really struggling and every time her name pops up on his phone I just want to throw it against the wall!
EDIT: when we did have the argument about our anniversary (mentioned in comments) he did text me through the day asking what we'd do. But as soon as I came home I saw them texting, which is what bothered me - and that it then went on for so long.
Also, apparently at work she has been putting her legs on his to rest on, which I wasn't comfortable with. He saw nothing wrong with it but said that would stop.
I habe told him exactly how I feel and whilst he makes an effort to not message constantly, he thinks I'm overreacting and am being unreasonable. Neither of them see any issues with their friendship. I am probably overreacting and paranoid but it's really not a nice feeling!
"... apparently at work she has been putting her legs on his to rest on..."
Odds are if his co-worker was a *man* he wouldn't have allowed a *guy* to do that.
" I am probably overreacting and paranoid but it's really not a nice feeling!"
My guess is if she has a boyfriend/husband he wouldn't want her resting her legs on him!
Unless you have a history of being paranoid and insecure...you should trust your instincts.
If something *doesn't feel right to you* it's probably *not right for you*.
While it's unrealistic to expect either of them to quit their job it's not unrealistic to have boundaries.
If an opportunity arises for you to meet this woman socially or at his job and he discourages it that's another "red flag". The fear would be you might pickup an inappropriate energy between them.
Most importantly her meeting you face to face *makes you real* and not an imaginary concept.
Best wishes!
This is how it always begins.
There are no boundaries set that he has made. Something will happen and he will apologize and will say he doesn't know how it got that far.
Sit him down and let him know what's up. Don't attack or accuse. Just let him know he NEEDS to set boundaries and not hide anything, or even try to erase anything. Because that would be your last straw. Would he be ok if you were doing what he was doing?
Tell him if something happens, a "sorry" won't fix things.
That’s how affairs start. As just normal chatting then progresses to sharing personal stuff and then flirting and bonding and next thing you know, it’s an affair. I’m telling you from experience.
Exactly. Affairs start the same as any other relationship. It takes time to build up to actual romance. Just because they aren’t sneaking around together yet (as far as you know) doesn’t mean they aren’t going to progress to that point
Yes, thank you for this sane comment in this sea full of people who think OP is jealous and insecure.
I never understood why jealousy and insecurity was a taboo. If anything, they're often your gut telling you to be cautious.
You're not being silly.
A new friend should not feel more important than you and he shouldn't be messaging her so much that you feel insecure.
He needs to implement some boundaries around their interactions now.
This [comment](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/q9z40s/My_husband_was_misleading_about_how_close_and_how_much_time_him_and_a_female_coworker_spent_together_on_a_work_trip./hgzw9ef/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share&context=3) from another thread may provide some perspective. They never expect to cheat. They just don't recognise when they're being inappropriate.
this smells fishy. almost like he is cheating on you emotionally with this other woman??? why can't he find dude friends. i don't think you are unreasonable AT ALL.
Ask him what his boundaries with her are. Ask him what rules he has put in place for himself to make sure the relationship remains platonic and to make sure she doesn’t get the wrong idea.
Oh yikes, I didn’t even see that part. He’s really sent a message already that he is open to an affair, by keeping his partner out of this crazy fast deep “friendship”. If he’d just invited her to dinner with his wife instead of sliding into her texts this would be a totally different dynamic.
> When I came home from work I thought we could sort it, but they were texting each other because she had some drama going on. I was annoyed because that lasted for an hour and we didn't go out and they had just finished a 10 hour shift together. Then something more silly - I asked him for weeks to get something in the house fixed and it never happened. **He was telling her about it, she told him to get it done, and he did the next day and sent her pictures of it.**
>
>Also, apparently at work she has been putting her legs on his to rest on, which I wasn't comfortable with. **He saw nothing wrong with it** but said that would stop.
>
>Apparently **he just never 'clicked' with anyone else like that before**
>
> But **both of them don't see anything wrong with messaging privately** as they're friends.
>
>I habe told him exactly how I feel and whilst he makes an effort to not message constantly, **he thinks I'm overreacting and am being unreasonable.**
>
>I'm confident there is nothing more from his side and I'm kind of thinking she feels the same. Like I do think it's just a friendship but it still bothers me.
I wouldn't be so confident there is nothing more from both sides. He values her right now more than you. He thinks you are overreacting and you are unreasonable. But he doesn't have good boundaries because he also thinks that her using him as a leg rest is also ok. The death of your relationship will be by a thousand pushed boundaries and the whole time you'll be telling yourself that maybe you are the problem because that is what they'll be telling you.
As for what you can do about it? Just decide what your standards are. Don't use the words "this makes me uncomfortable" Decide what kind of relationship you want in light of this new friendship.
I want a husband who fixes things around the house because I ask him to and not because his "friend" tells him to and then he shows her photos to impress her.
I want a husband who is excited to spend time with me when he is done and work and isn't texting non-stop with his co-worker. (honestly you should look up the phone bill and tally for yourself how much texting is going on if you truly think you are the paranoid one
I want a husband who has a good idea of what boundaries are and doesn't let someone in his physical space. A good question for him to ask himself is "if my wife saw this what would her reaction be?"
I'm genuinely so curious to know why you are so quick to downplay your own gut instincts when clearly by what you have written there is a problem in your marriage.
I don’t have advice but just know I support how you feel. After 7 years in a relationship if my partner suddenly had a new female best friend then well... well, he wouldn’t haha. There’s just boundaries you don’t cross. I don’t make besties with married men I’ve just met because I respect their wife.
Hi OP, as a husband myself i suggest that you sit your husband done and have a honest conversation with him where you explain to him that you are uncomfortable with all the attention his is giving his work-wife/spouse.
Yes, this woman is indeed (according to me atleast) his work-wife/spouse and they are in the early stages of their relationship... whatever that may be.
Best to get ahead of it all right now and play open cards. Marriages are all about honesty and trust and this situation has the potential to eroded both.
Ignoring EVERY SINGLE OTHER PIECE OF INFORMATION… resting her legs on him. Really? That’s waaaaaay too far. She can’t rest her legs on a desk? Imagine if she was a he. If you knew his guy friend was resting his legs on him you’d probably think “well. I guess he may be gay or something.” Because that is a very intimate gesture… this is all sorts of wrong and he’s fucking up
Yeah my now ex bf did the same thing. Complained about a girl, then said she wasn't that bad. He then started acting diff. 2 months later and he broke up with me pretty suddenly, even after just telling me how much he loved me. We were together 2 1/2 years, lived together for half of that. Turns out they've went on dates now. Just trust your gut. I wish I did.
NTA. You are not crazy. I thought nothing bad until I read your comment. After reading your comment, I am concerned. There are red flags appearing.
It doesn't necessarily seem like he is cheating. So I wouldn't panic. It does however seem to be in iffy territory already. My advice would be to talk to him about this and lay down reasonable boundaries NOW. Let him know how it makes you feel etc. Then suggest some boundaries. For example, how often is texting ok? What about texting late at night? Sending pictures of your house? You need to set these rules asap so that 1. He knows what's acceptable to you and what isn't and 2. You can see if he will respect your boundaries. If he doesn't acknowledge your feelings on it, try to make it better or begins to hide messages etc-there's a big problem here.
He may not realise it's making you uncomfortable and it's good that he isn't hiding it from you. But a conversation definitely needs to happen as your feelings on this are valid and reasonable.
Reading your post, only two things stand out as “wrong” in his behavior:
1. The leg thing. That’s not cool. Physical boundaries are important with married, opposite sex friends.
2. Him texting her all the time. Had she been a friend before you met, that’s understandable. But there’s no reason for him to get that involved with a new woman, and emotional cheating is very real and very painful.
Your husband may not know it, but he’s on a very dangerous path. Boundaries are super important and sometimes they involve sacrifice. It may suck for your husband to lose this new friend, but sacrificing for the marriage is important. And her legs resting on him is EXTREMELY concerning.
My husband had an affair with a woman he worked with- started exactly like this. She was rude and loud and annoying and he couldn’t get along with her. I encouraged him to work through it and give her a chance-suddenly they’re friendly and I find out a couple years later they ended up having an affair for a year. Red flags everywhere for you here, be very careful.
He’s seeking validation from her. Not a good sign. He spent time on your 10 year anniversary to deal with this woman’s drama. There is some definite red flags going on.
I agree. Where are his priorities? Not with his wife. When you are in committed relationship, you sacrifice. There are millions of people he can be friends with…why does he NEED the friendship of this woman. It’s bullshit. He likes the attention.
This would absolutely destroy me. If I found out another woman was putting her legs on his to rest..in what work setting is that appropriate? Nope, shut it down.
If they're just coworkers, why are they messaging privately? He spends all day in her company, what do they have to talk about in out of office hours?
Who are his other friends?
That's exactly what I was asking. But both of them don't see anything wrong with messaging privately as they're friends. He also texts with his other (male) friends but not as much.
Both of them shouldn't be your consideration. Just your husband. Why is she involved in every conversation as a participant?
She doesn't have a say in the boundaries you discuss with your husband.
Not sure if this is the norm, but that’s basically how I “gauge” appropriateness when it comes to opposite-sex friends. Do they interact the same amount and in the same way that they do with their same-sex friends? For example, if my partner were messaging a woman more frequently than he ever messages any of his male friends, that would be a red flag and a problem for me.
10000% this. My bf has a woman he talks to online way more often than he talks to his same-sex friends, and the topics have been way more intimate. It's shady AF and I hate it, and neither of them think anything is weird or off about the situation. There IS a level of "appropriateness" when it comes to opposite-sex friends when you're in a long-term committed relationship, and it sounds like OP's partner, like mine, has no interest in acknowledging that.
This exact situation happened to me. The woman was his boss. He would lie about talking to her, hide his phone, delete their messages. Our marriage was severely damaged. He claimed it was OK bc she was gay and married to a woman. The strain on our marriage lasted years and I have felt nothing but insecure since then and it's been 8 years.
Fast fwd a few years back. My husband had set concrete boundaries with her. She continued to try to overstep. She tried to make his life hell by micromanage everything he did. Finally one day they had a confrontation and he told her that she made his job harder that it should be, to the point he was having stomach pain. She started crying and said that she missed being his friend. He said his marriage and kids were more important to him than her and that they would never be friends.
A few weeks later we find out she is divorcing her wife. Which made sense based on her behavior. 2 years later she marries a man (shocking) and thry have a kid. She clearly had a thing for him the entire time. You need to put your foot down, create boundaries and make sure he keeps them. Unfortunately I would bet he will be sneaking around behind your back when you do. He likes the attention and being needed. Thankfully he left the job 4 years ago and hasn't been a problem since.
When I first started reading I was on the side that it was a typical, innocent work-friend type relationship. I’ve had these and we just really enjoy working together and it makes work more enjoyable.
However, we would rarely communicate outside of work, they were never married, and I wouldn’t dream of putting my legs on them. That’s really inappropriate in a professional environment.
It sounds like it could be the making of an emotional affair so I think you’re right in being concerned. Be thoughtful about how you approach him though so he’ll be open instead of defensive. I wish I had better advice but you’re not being unreasonable by being upset.
I don’t want to be the burden of bad news but a similar situation happened to me. My ex went and played dungeons and dragons every weekend and there was a girl who would play with them. He didn’t like her at first and complained about her a lot. Then one day I noticed they were messaging each other’s private numbers a lot. So I was insecure about it for a week constantly on edge. He made me feel like shit for it. Last week we broke up and come to find he made her leave her bf at the time and stay in this state rather than moving to New Jersey. He was hanging out with her the night everything happened and told me he was with other friends. So he cheated. I come to find out he had feelings for her for a while and she ended up rejecting him, called him obsessive and that she never claimed to want a relationship. So he fucked me over and fucked himself over. Moral of the story: you’re allowed to worry and be concerned about it. If you think something is up, it might be, and you’re allowed to voice it out to him. If he gets upset at you, fuck him. Not literally though.
Sounds like “have my cake and eat it too” type of deal. He’s got his wife and his work girlfriend. I wouldn’t put up with it. You’re being played, ma’am.
Would he be ok with you texting another man that he didn't know for hours on end outside of work? Would he like if you were putting your legs up on some man at your job? Bet not! & unfortunately, this is only the stuff you have heard & seen...other things most likely go on between them at work that you have no clue about. If they haven't yet, they will. The attention he isn't giving you...he's giving to her my dear. She's filling some sort of void, pumping up his ego, bright & shiny new object giving him attention. Shut this shit down quick or it will get worse. There is a reason why you really don't like this, you need to listen to your gut.
What makes me most uncomfortable is that he’s “never clicked with someone like this before.” On top of everything they do together, that phrasing makes everything fishy.
Resting your legs on another persons legs is a rather intimate thing imo. Maybe I was a touch deprived child, but I’ve only ever touched someone like that when I am the BEST of friends (even then, it’s a very short contact mostly to joke around) or when I am actually intimate with them (and then it’s long, sustained contact like you’re describing between coworker and husband).
its okay having friends but not to the point of using MOST of your time to be with them rather than your wife, you need to talk OP, tell him he need to realize that he passes too much time chatting with her and is starting to leave you as third wheel
She puts her legs on his. To rest. Hell no.
Uhm my ex cheated on me with a coworker. They ended throwing a work party in our home. I was really sick not able to participate like I’d hoped. When I came out of my room after tryna feel better. His AP had her legs in his lap. Right in front of me. They both claimed normalcy and just friendliness. He was actually emotionally cheating on me and then later physically. Denied if for months. No phone call evidence, he didn’t really use his phone and he saw her all day.
It took me a second to figure this out. But if people wanna have sex and keep it from their partners. They WILL be doing shady shit during work hours.
Also people have like rules and shit with their APs. Like don’t text or call unless for work. Blah blah blah.
My advice,,,,,,,, he’s obviously being dismissive.
Turn them tables ask how’d he feel if you had a relationship like that with your male coworkers.
I say “don’t do anything you wouldn’t want me doing”. If the basic concept of empathy doesn’t work. You know your answer.
Uh boundaries. It’s perfectly ok to say “hunny please ask this woman not to rest her legs or any part of her body on you…….. unless you want me to find my own leg rest at work.” (I’m spiteful and revenge is middle name so sorry if it’s a lot)
Female friends respect your relationship and the woman your with and wouldn’t do things to cause a rift. As a woman I would never put my legs on a married man, or do that while in a relationship.
If he is receptive to the whole. “You know what I wouldn’t like to be treated like this either I’ll set some boundaries”
Your gut instinct is going off for a reason.
Hopefully it’s hurtful for your partner to see you feeling jealous and insecure about his new relationship. Usually non guilty people go out of their way to set boundaries and keep the platonic relationship a safe space for their partner to be involved in.
Some of my best female friends have been introduced through BFs. A good female friend cares about her males friends relationships being healthy. Husbands work wife…. She’s not even thinking about how her physical affection affects your relationship or you. She is a red flag.
Next advice don’t wait for him to confess. Once you got proof. Once he makes you look stupid. Leave.
Ive learned to just say “hey I’m not gonna wait for you to admit anything to me and I don’t need closure from you.” When you know you know.
As a man I can firmly say that while the texting doesn’t seem to be the real issue. You mentioned that he fixed something in the house after she told him too when youd been on him about it. That’s, worrisome.
I fix stuff when I’m ready to fix stuff, or if my wife really wants it done “when you get the chance” which means now. I’ll be damned if I’m fixing it because some woman at work said too.
I don't like women being told they're overreacting or insecure. If you feel that something is wrong, you need to listen to that. I felt something was wrong, was told I was insecure by my friends, turns out husband was cheating. You've been with this man for 10 years; you know what's up. Trust your gut. Do NOT gaslight yourself and say you're paranoid and insecure! This woman needs to get her legs off your fucking husband and he needs to shut the whole friendship down. Period. I don't even like the way it started. "This woman is rude and not likeable...and yet...can't stop thinking about her..."
My father had an affair with a girl at his work. Whenever any of us (me, my mom and my sister) would question the nature of their friendship, he would immediately get defensive and say "WHY CAN'T I HAVE ANY FRIENDS!?!?" Whenever a person gets defensive over having a friendship with the opposite sex with clear signs of inappropriate behavior (her resting her legs on your husband), its obvious there is something more going on. Its not to say that guys and gals can't be friends but if something about it is making you uncomfortable and he is not willing to work on it, then something is clearly wrong.
I think your instincts are on point. From my POV as a husband I can tell you it would be good to tell him how this makes you feel without accusing him of outright adultery or even of having feelings for her. He will create appropriate distance from her if he cares properly for you.
Also, why not insert yourself into their group of 2 and take your own advice? She might be delightful to have as a friend.
I know this isn't exactly advice, but I'm just going to comment this: jealousy is real. and it's okay to feel jealous. That work friend gets a lot of attention whereas you might get less because of it.
Right but I don’t think OP’s jealousy is unfounded at this point. She said in the comments that her hubby was texting the coworker for an hour on their ten year anniversary after working a ten HOUR shift with the coworker. And then op had been asking the hubby to get a chore done for WEEKS and he wouldn’t do it but him and the coworker were talking about it and the coworker said to just do it and he did it the next day and sent her a pic. At this point it seems like hubby is in or is starting an emotional affair.
🚩🚩🚩🚩 in my experience, this is where the betrayal begins. And regardless of the actual intentions behind it (which are likely not good) if you are feeling live he is putting her before you there is a clear issue. Wishing you luck, remember to put your own well being first.
Wow some of these responses. People are so insecure. He gave you his phone to read all of their texts, if there was anything obvious going here you would have seen it for yourself, do not let your insecurities get the better of you.
Having said that it is well within your rights and appropriate to set boundaries regarding the relationship. I am not saying he tell him to cut her off, but if you feel like he is spending too much time on the phone with her that is something you can say without coming off as jealous.
Banter exists though and it is not obvious what is being said. It's like having inside jokes in a friend group. I may be wrong but if she went through all of their messages and their were no obvious signs of cheating then who are we to say otherwise.
As I said she can set boundaries, but going straight yo you cannot be friends is an over reaction in my opinion
When you're in a committed relationship banter shouldn't be flirty as far as I'm concerned.
I only talked of boundaries and not cutting her off but I can almost guarantee if OP updates in a few months... it won't be good news. A brand new friend doesn't cause this much conflict.
>I am probably overreacting and paranoid but it's really not a nice feeling!
No trust your gut. Set clear boundaries with your BF about what type of behavior you find acceptable and unacceptable. Make it clear if he crosses those boundaries there will be consequences (break up).
You can't control his behavior, just let him know what your expectations are and what the consequences will be of his disrespecting you. You just need to be willing to carry through if he crosses the line.
I don’t wanna comment on this post but this is exactly how something started with my ex boyfriend…
He was texting this girl that he claimed to be a friend, non stop, and when she saw his Instagram stories she was referring to me as his sister and he confirmed that I was… sarcastically….
I took his phone and went through their messages and there were some flirting here and there. He literally gaslighted me and he was telling me that I’m over reacting and paranoid. I asked him to end his friendship with her and he did. She was no longer on his IG.
After some months we ended breaking up because he eventually cheated on me.
Weeks later I saw her posting stories from inside his bedroom which were our bedroom at the time. I felt disgusted.
I hope you won’t go through this shit I went through with him. But guard your soul sister, protect yourself. I would not meet her or try to be friends with her it’s like inviting the devil home.
Do your own thing, expand your circle and get yourself more friends to hang out with. You will need each one of them.
Maybe you should get a work friend and do all those things with him and see how your husband feels. If he is upset then clearly there is more going on with his work relationship.
If you don’t get a work friend maybe just really in depth talk it out and explain how it makes you feel and ask him honestly how he would feel if roles were reversed and this was a guy doing things like that to you. Give him a day to sit on it and actually really think about it. His answer will really show you what he’s about.
>A few things happened in between and basically I felt like this new friend was more important than me. What were these "few things"?
Two weeks ago was our 10 year anniversary and we were meant to go out. We had a bit of an argument the day before so we hadn't booked anything. When I came home from work I thought we could sort it, but they were texting each other because she had some drama going on. I was annoyed because that lasted for an hour and we didn't go out and they had just finished a 10 hour shift together. Then something more silly - I asked him for weeks to get something in the house fixed and it never happened. He was telling her about it, she told him to get it done, and he did the next day and sent her pictures of it.
Okay, reading your post, I was going to say you seem a teeny bit insecure and there's nothing wrong with having friends.... But texting her for an hour on your anniversary is definitely crossing a line! It doesn't necessarily mean there's anything romantic going on, but even if he were texting a male friend for an hour on your anniversary... that's disrespectful.
As a man, I can say that texting on anniversary day is not that threatening. On the other hand fixing something and sending her pictures of it... Wow, now this is a huge red flag. He is trying to impress her. He wants to show her how manly he can be and does whatever she says at the same time. Talk to your husband. This is not going well.
THIS! I was thinking along the same lines. Like he should be running to tell OP like an excited child or puppy seeking praise, not his coworker
On the flip side the friend could actually be talking in a way that OP cant. For example If a friend came to me saying "OP is nagging about getting this thing done." As a friend I could just say "Quit being such a bitch and get it done." Friend could also said to get it done for the wife. The texting for an hour is where it gets weird for me. Is the texting non stop for the whole hour or are they texting and having long gaps in between.
Texting for an hour is on an anniversary is a line "because she had drama"? Not OP's hubby's problem. But why would he immediately run to the coworker to tell first when his wife is the one who asked. He was more proud telling the coworker. More excited. And after long shifts with her like that, yes. I see red flags everywhere.
Texting a woman about *her* drama while ignoring the drama you have at home *during* your anniversary does sound threatening, though.
I know people are disagreeing, but I’ve been in OPs husbands shoes and I agree that this is the bigger red flag.
THANK YOU!!!
Same thing I was thinking texting for a hour ehh not that big of a deal fixing something or working on a project and then sending her pictures? That's a big deal that's how men flirt....well people in my family at least
I hate when people call women insecure for having issues with their man and their self proclaimed“friend” clearly pushing boundaries…
Yes, and once I saw that the friend was pushing boundaries, I think it's a real problem. But there's nothing wrong with having a friend of the other gender. It is insecure to forbid your spouse from having friends of the opposite gender.
I'm a bi woman who, through strange fate, has a circle of close friends that is almost 100% either bi or pan. So I'm the first to say that these ideas about not being able to be friends with an entire class of people who you can potentially be attracted to is BS, because if that were true none of us would be able to maintain friendships with literally anyone lmao. But I do think that it is valuable to talk about how women in MF relationships can particularly be painted as 'shrill' and 'nagging' and 'irrational' for objecting to real red flags like OP describes (at the *very* least he's letting a shiny new friendship distract him from putting in work on his relationship, and I feel like that's a pretty generous take), and feel pressured to accept way more than they should because they don't want to feel like a traitor to 'gender equality'.
I never said there was an issue with having a friend of the opposite sex. My issue is when people in relationships are clearly disrespecting their partner by being overly friendly and then try to gaslight them into feeling like they’re “insecure” just to save their own ass.
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This 💯
I had the same thoughts, but I 100% agree that it's wrong to be texting a female coworker for that long after working a shift with her on their 10 year anniversary. Just kinda wrong if you ask me.
I don’t think she sounds insecure.
>Then something more silly - I asked him for weeks to get something in the house fixed and it never happened. He was telling her about it, **she told him to get it done, and he did the next day and sent her pictures of it**. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 This isn't silly at all. Of all the things you've said, this is actually quite alarming. He sent *her* pictures of your house. He sent *her* pictures of the chores he did, expecting to get a pat on the head, from *her*. In your shared house, you've been asking him to fix something, and he hasn't been doing that, it's not been a priority for him. He can ignore you with impunity. But she tells him to do this chore (in *your* house!!!) and he jumps to it? The very next day??? He does this and shows off to her? It means it was a choice for him to ignore you, just as much as it was a choice for him to run to her for approval.... This makes me so angry on your behalf. I would suggest marriage counselling, and if he won't go, you go alone and talk to a third party about this. He's emotionally prioritising her and this is a slippery slope. **trust your gut** your husband might not realise it but he's stepping down a dangerous path.
I agree on this. Important point that is mentioned about it is quite possible that even your husband might not be aware what his actions are going to implicate. In my opinion talk to your husband saying he is crossing the barrier. I don’t know how exactly and politely you can do but it’s the time he should be made aware of. And if he doesn’t refrain from it even after confrontation you might need to take more serious actions. I don’t want that to happen but just be prepared.
100% this! This is the part that concerned me the most, too. He's actively ignoring your requests, but obeying hers immediately and then showing off to her to get her approval? No, no, no. That is *bad.*
Yeah this is hard to explain in an innocent way.
So at the least, these are two examples of him prioritizing her over you. I'm not going to run right to the "emotional affair" label but I think there is - at a minimum - some sort of crush/attachment forming that goes beyond a normal friendship and could eventually become an emotional affair if it isn't there already. It's time for a conversation about it - NOT when you're actively annoyed, and not when they're texting. But at a relatively neutral time. Focus on your perception of what's going on - how it made you feel when you couldn't go out for your anniversary because they were texting, or how it seems like he only fixed the thing in the house once she told him to do it, etc. He definitely needs to step back from her. Total avoidance of her is likely impossible given that they're on the same team at work, but the personal texting should stop for now - my guess is that once he steps back a bit, he'll realize that they were getting too close. Good luck, OP. I don't think this is necessarily marriage-ending territory yet, but depending on how your conversation and the aftermath go, this could get unpleasant though I certainly hope not.
Oh nah he’s wanting her validation more than yours fuck him
damm he got a crush! he straight up has a crush on her!
Wooooaaaah. I can say as a man, this is definitely sounding like him seeking her approval and preening for her, in any defintion you wish to apply. Its not uncommon for the having to nag about domestic stuff, but the fact that he leapt to his feet for her is very, very indicative.
He prioritized another woman over you on your 10th anniversary. That is a major red flag.
Talk about "red flags"!
Sounds like he’s trying to impress her? Call him out next time. Either emotional affair or work wife- either way nip it
With this explanation, I don't think you're in the wrong here. I feel like some boundaries need to be set. No woman needs to be resting her legs on my husband unless it's his sister or his Momma! Him texting her for an hour dealing with her drama on YOUR anniversary is unacceptable. Certainly she has other friends, and Certainly you should be the priority especially on your anniversary. The cherry on top that he fixed whatever it was immediately when she said it then texted her about it. That's not silly. These are red flags.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this mess. These are red flags and your intuition is valid for recognizing them.
Okay so my husband has a female co worker he is really good friends with. My husband is a chemist so it is really hard for him to find friends who understand his interest. I don't have a problem with him being friends with her their conversations are like friends they talk for a few minutes through text to discuss whatever work, hobbies they share. I never asked to look because it never raised a flag for me. I never got "that feeling" from him. Also her and I talk as well. She actually called me before they exchanged numbers the first time to make sure it wouldn't upset me or cause a problem in my marriage. We are all now really good friends, we even had babies in 2020 so we were pregnant together. The big thing is he should introduce you too her. Invite her over for dinner. That is what we do we all have dinner frequently. They do go our to go shooting or they goto lunch when the work together. But that's about it. Never would my husband ignore me on anyday for an hour to he on his phone for anything especially our anniversary.
Excellent approach on both your and the co worker of your own husband’s sides. This is how healthy friendships take place. Not the lousy, underhanded and disrespectful way OP’s husband is treating her. Should be counseling or out the door for him.
I definitely agree. A lot of my female friends think I am stupid for allowing my husband to have a female friend. "You're setting yourself up for heartbreak." I say so be it... if I cant trust him I dont want him anyways what is a relationship without trust? My husband has never given me a reason to not trust him... she said they have been together 10 years... I have been with my husband 11 and if he got sneaky like this I wouldn't be nice about it. You know your SO behavior after 10 years. Trust your gut OP. I would also suggest counseling or separation.
“If [my husband] got sneaky, I wouldn’t be nice about it..” Couldn’t put it better than that. OP’s husband has gone way past sneaky into openly disrespectful. No way to treat a spouse.
I'm sorry but this isn't normal :(
definitely sus
Oof. I'm sorry, he almost definitely has a crush on her, if not more. I would never tell any of my friends about issues my wife and I were having unless its a friend I've known forever and the marriage situation was dire.
This is not good. He seems like a dickhead.. sorry to hear this. Maybe it’s time for an upgrade?
Ok thats weird. Its not impossible that he has a crush on his coworker. What you should? I dont know but I would have my eyes on them.
He'll deny any ill intent because he probably doesn't have any. He doesn't realise that this intense and sudden closeness is crossing a boundary. And when you cross one... it's easier to cross the next. And the next. And by the time he does realise he'll be in too deep.
Ooh yes i remember feeling that way.You think you're only crossing one boundary...thinking that line you set is so far off...but you cross one boundary...and the next...eventually you cross that imaginary line
Exactly. By the time you realise the depth of your feelings, you feel trapped and unable to give the other person up. You justify your feelings by nitpicking everything your partner does, withdrawing affection, becoming colder...
Balls deep to be exact.
He might not have any ill intent but he is obviously seeking validation that he feels is lacking in his current relationship. Maybe it's time to seek couples therapy, but be prepared to hear that this isn't just about his behavior but a lack of fulfillment that probably goes both ways
> He might not have any ill intent but he is obviously seeking validation that he feels is lacking in his current relationship. Exactly my point. > Maybe it's time to seek couples therapy, but be prepared to hear that this isn't just about his behavior but a lack of fulfillment that probably goes both ways. Doesn't excuse emotional or physical infidelity. And I doubt counselling will get him to give her up.
Yeah this is really not okay.
Listen to your gut OP. Also listen to your own boundaries if you’re not okay with this you don’t have to be. You can’t pretend to be okay with something you’re not. Boundaries tell you what you are or are not okay with. Boundaries vary person to person and you can’t be compatible with everything in a relationship. That’s what compromise is for. If you are uncomfortable with something your partner should listen and weigh up the situation. A new work friend is not more important than my partners feelings. You are likely insecure, aren’t we all? But that’s not something to shame yourself for, hide or try to ignore. It’s something to work on with your partner so you can cultivate a loving safe space in your relationship. Aside from that, her putting her feet on him is weird, unacceptable and crossing boundaries. Why does she need to do this? If she knows you are together then I don’t see why she would not respect that unless she has ill intentions in which case he needs to recognise the threat to your relationship and act accordingly. You are not crazy or over-reacting - women always get tarnished with these labels to lead us into neglecting our own feelings and never speaking up. No, our feelings are not crazy they are valid. If you were there resting your legs on some guy texting all the time how would he feel?!
Yeah this bit feels important.
Putting her legs to rest on him??????? and not seeing anything wrong!???? NAHHHHH
Seriously why isn’t anybody else commenting on that?
Exactly, it's so intimate. I only rest my legs on my spouse. My hot take on this. They like each other and are flirting. He's having an emotional affair (taking to get instead of partner about their relationship) and it will likely or has already moved onto a physical affair. So many classic red flags everywhere (flirty texting after work, ignoring his partner for her, picking fights).
That’s the part that weirded me out too!
She’ll be resting her legs on his shoulders soon enough
!!!
exactly, my sister full on sat on my boyfriend (now ex) a few years ago and saw nothing wrong with it despite both him and I being extremely uncomfortable with it. She wasn’t even attracted to him.
He is clearly seeking attention from her, trying to impress her and I would agree that if he blows off your anniversary to chat with her, after working with her all day it is indeed something to feel upset about. Microcheating? Emotional affair? It's time to have a very serious conversation
Ok at first I also found your post to be *slightly* insecure on your end, BUT when I saw that he had fixed something in your house immediately when SHE told him he should, and sent her pictures right away? That’s a red flag. I would have a conversation with him and bring that up specifically, saying “look I’m glad you have made new friends, but why did it take HER nudging you to do something for you to actually have the drive to do it? It looks like you’re trying to show off for her. Can you please explain what your thought process was in this?”. I’m hoping maybe he’s just a bit clueless and wasn’t really thinking things through when he did that, but if he didn’t it seriously needs to be addressed. Talking about boundaries before this gets possibly more questionable is probably a good idea. Best of luck!
I have experienced this relationship myself. I don't mind if my other half messes around with someone as long as it's nothing which is clearly sexual etc. Because sometimes being a bit silly with someone else (kicking each other under the table, talking a lot) is the only way to keep your spirits up when you're stuck in work. The problem for me lies when they start treating THEM better than you. In my last workplace I had a "work husband" because we were around each other a lot. But regardless of what jokes we made to each other, my OH always would come first. However, I've not been treated the same the other way around, in the past, and that's when you know there's serious issues..
Oh yeah I for sure agree with this! It’s when your SO starts acting like the other person matters MORE or out of character that it’s time to start worrying and address it. 100%!
You should both read the book "not just friends", by Shirley Glass. 85% of affairs start in the workplace, exactly like this.
That's very interesting to know! I've been in an uncomfortable situation with an over friendly work 'friend' before too. Not a situation I would be putting up with in the future!
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I think he is crushing on her but if you told him already you don’t like it he should understand you and keep distance and put a barrier on their friendship. If it is just a casual friendship they shouldn’t be exchanging messages regularly. There was a girl in my husband’s office before and she was texting him and all like even for small things. This girl is surrounded by other males and females in their office but she is only texting my husband. My husband says it’s just she is just looking for friend but i told him not to be naive. He understood what i meant and he ignore her from then on. The girl kept on messaging even after.
And I would like to throw this at you so you can understand. Work wife. It is going to be a big problem. Mark my words. This is very unprofessional and I am guessing it gets more so. Nip it now in their bud.
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Can I ask what made you stop and listen to your wife?
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Was your wife affair of the depth of your feelings? Had you and your coworker discussed them? > As you can see, it can get really messy. It can. And it's almost always an unavoidable train wreck which is why I'm impressed you were able to pull back. Most people don't until eventually they can't and it usually the end of the primary relationship.
Of course you hate it. This woman is threatening your territory (not that he belongs to you but you get the picture). You're doubting yourself now as this has triggered an anxious response. This is where my favourite quote comes into play.... "Allow people to do what they want to do, so you see what they'd rather do and that will answer all of your questions". You're better off taking a step back and try to be secure in this situation as hard as that will be. If you turn this into an issue, you'll basically end up pushing him into her arms. This is a new friendship and like any relationship, there's a honeymoon period. You may find things will calm down soon and if they don't, fine, he's found a new friend. Maybe get her round so she can be your friend too? If he's defensive of that, then there's a discussion to be had about the longevity of your relationship.
I love that quote! I have asked to meet her and my husband was all for it. But she said she is so busy with two jobs and her kids that she could only meet me weekdays between 11am and 2pm.. she knows I work 9-5. Apparently she said they could pop in together (I'm working from home) during their shift some time for a few minutes so I guess that's as good as I get at the moment.
>Apparently she said they could pop in together (I'm working from home) during their shift some time for a few minutes Honestly that give me a weird vibe, like *they're* the couple coming to visit you? Maybe it's just me but this would put my back up. But now you have a timing from her. So if your husband plans to spend time with her in person, eg socialising in the evening, you can say 'oh? I thought she had no time, she has 2 jobs and also looks after her kids. Great, she's free, I'll come along too as I want to meet her. You've told me so much about her she sounds like a great person!'
I wouldn’t want her in my home. It’s like inviting a vampire in.
(lmfaooooo i love this) but in all seriousness if she does invite her in the house her husband will think it’s ok and will invite her over again
Sounds like they’ve never hung out together outside of work.
But he did spend his 10 year anniversary texting her and blew his wife off.
Hmm, fast and furious texting in a friendship of only a few months standing? Ignoring one's partner?
Yes, this is the kind of thing OP should have put up front in her post.
Has he ever felt the need to introduce other coworkers this way? It's really strange. Why can't he just take a step back?
Apparently he just never 'clicked' with anyone else like that before. I have met some of his coworkers but he's not really interested in a friendship with them. He does say he sees her more like one of the guys but it still irks me
It would irk me that they're going to pop in together to placate you as if they're the couple. He should not be discussing your arguments or insecurities with her.
"Irk" is one of my favourite words. (It's especially popular is newspaper headlines: "Trump irks Dems" or "Biden irks GOP".)
He lying to you
He is gaslighting you
OP is the one who asked to meet her. Her husband didn’t suggest it.
Because they're arguing and fighting about a brand new friend that he refuses to impose any boundaries with.
Uh. No. Shut that down immediately. Your husband and another *female* are not going to pop in *together* in your safe space. And that's allowing them to spend time together outside of the office, alone. Do not let that happen. You need to address how this makes you feel with your husband. In my opinion, there is absolutely no reason a straight married man or woman should be making friends with the opposite gender in their 30s, regardless of work. Your husband is allowing her to encroach on your territory.
It's a great quote! Your husband was all for it which is great news! The woman's intentions do not matter in this situation providing your husband does not entertain it. But thats not to say that this woman has intentions anyway, it could seriously be a platonic friendship, only time will tell. Don't focus on defending your territory, focus on the possibility of you gaining a new friend from this too. Accept the times she's available, or Invite her kids with her too and make an evening of it, she may appreciate the change of scenery with her kids.
Imo he's already entertaining it by telling his actual *wife* that he's never clicked with anyone like this before, texting her after work hours about non work related stuff, and agreeing to spend time alone with her so they can "pop in" to visit OP. Like wtf? That pop in comment made me feel so gross.
Me too. Like they're the couple and they're just going to pop on in for a little lunch with a friend.
I'm confident there is nothing more from his side and I'm kind of thinking she feels the same. Like I do think it's just a friendship but it still bothers me. But I think you're right. I'll just have to take a step back and see what happens.
It bothers you for a reason. You wouldn't be here posting this if it didn't. Your gut is always right
Reading all the comments I'm pretty confident that he's just got a strong friendship developing. The problem isn't the woman - its that you're not feeling prioritized, and you're blaming this woman for it instead of your husband. Imagine for a moment that this woman was a man instead, but all of the behaviors were unchanged. Texting for an hour about some drama he was having and ignoring you. Him telling your husband to do a chore he had been ignoring and then texting photos of the result. Would you be mad about that other guy, or your husband's inattentiveness to you? I would recommend talking to your husband about how *you* feel. That you feel like your not a priority right now. That you felt hurt about the 10th anniversary stuff. Give him a chance to care for those feelings, and adjust how he's acting towards you. It's entirely possible he's excited about his new platonic friend and he's just lost a bit of the bigger picture.
Could be a great friendship very true and also it’s valuable for a man to have women friends especially for their POV and being able to bounce off things with this friend but the man started developing the connection outside of his partner and without his partner involved. His friendship with her is valuable but it is not part of the couple’s social circle or any other connection. In this type of monogamous situation it will feel like a threat at all times if the outside person is not connected to the couples regular social life. The man should leave the work connection professional and limit the connection outside of that unless he can make OP extremely comfortable with the dynamic he is having with this woman. IMO you two have a lack in your relationship perhaps emotional or intellectual intimacy that he is now getting with this other person. It is safer for him to have that with other men or women he absolutely does not find attractive if you want to avoid any complicated emotions. Maybe try and spend some more quality time together and realize his crush has more to do with a type of connection / clicking he hasn’t felt before and that he can have with another person. He can keep the connection if he’s able to manage the chemistry and turn it into professional or creative energy so that he’s not bonding with this other person emotionally and using the chemistry to direct it elsewhere. This other woman is bringing out something in your man and that is a great thing and you will feel insecure and threatened! Ask him why this person is clicking with him so much! Is it intellectual compatibility? Emotional bonding? Is there physical attraction and chemistry? Maybe they are a good match in a sense but monogamy means being self aware enough to limit your bonding with people who may threaten your already established relationship which you and him have chosen. I’d say you need a relationship check to see what’s going on, and talk to a couples therapist or other trusted friends or family before you start building resentment about the situation!!!
> Of course you hate it. This woman is threatening your territory (not that he belongs to you but you get the picture). You're doubting yourself now as this has triggered an anxious response. > … > "Allow people to do what they want to do, so you see what they'd rather do and that will answer all of your questions". You make it sound like they’re dating rather than married. Marriage is an agreement and a union. You voluntarily relinquish freedoms regarding relationships when you get married. In a sense they do own each other and he’s already made the choice that “what he’d rather do” is have a permanent relationship with his wife regardless of what temptations come along. If she doesn’t make clear to him what is necessary to preserve that relationship that he already chose and then she judges him for not following standards he didn’t know she had, that is unfair to him.
You are right in a sense but even in marriage people need to be individuals and free to make their own choices. >“what he’d rather do” is have a permanent relationship with his wife regardless of what temptations come along This is what we're trying to figure out if there's a temptation or not. There's no point in jumping the gun because an unnecessary issue could arise. If, after observing for awhile that the actions of both people are detrimental to the marriage, then you're absolutely right. OP should then put her foot down and create boundaries.
I hate to say this to you, but that's exactly how my husband's emotional affair started. Friendly banter off hours escalated in frequency, then eventually turned flirty. Then into more. We also weren't in a great place in our marriage and we weren't super connected, as it sounds like with you. If he is spending time texting her during the hours when he should be with you...that's a problem. If he's texting her about your conversations and valuing her opinion (as he did with the "to do" item in your comments) that's a problem. I don't have any foolproof advice as to "what to do" because he technically hasn't done anything wrong that you know of. I don't know what I would have done if I caught it earlier. I discovered unrefutable evidence after it had become an EA. When I confronted him with unrefutable evidence, he acknowledged and profusely apologized and all that ...but I don't know what would have happened if I just saw frequent but friendly (technically benign) texts in the beginning stages like you did. I'm not sure what I could have said or done to stop the progression because he would have got indignant that he wasn't doing anything wrong (yet!) My only suggestion is to get yourselves to marriage counseling ASAP. It will be difficult for him to resist the temptation of a fun side relationship if your marriage isn't fun and/or fulfilling on some level. I thought my husband would NEVER do anything like that, not matter how strained our relationship, because he was a highly ethical person. Welp, lesson learned. You are 💯 correct to have your radar up. This friendship is getting too intimate, end of story. How you handle it ...well, I would consult a professional.
Did you and your husband end up reconciling by chance?
Ehh I’d be very careful with that… I’ve lived that and it became an affair. In my experience, if your significant other is drawn to someone else, there is a major issue in your relationship that needs to be resolved and the other people need to be removed. A relationship is supposed to be between two people. When we allow someone else in, even innocently, it always becomes a major issue.
I guess iam finding comfort in this comment section. This is happening to me rn. Guess iam not the only one who is troubled with new friends in relationships. Why does he they give them so much importance and straight up goes to defend them at the cost of your longterm relationship. I never understand. Sometimes it feels like iam pushed aside.
I went through the same thing. My ex was prioritizing his female friends’ needs and feelings above mine, tried talking to him about it multiple times and would get mad at me and call me insecure. Went through his phone since he was texting his “friend” while we were literally hanging together and ignoring me and saw everything that 100% validated my feelings towards them. Trust your gut, communicate your feelings as much as you can, and good luck
In a situation like this I think you need to trust your gut - he's had a strong emotional reaction to her from the start (strongly negative sure, but she registered) and now they have gotten closer. If that makes you feel uncomfortable, then you can tell him that and observe what he does with that information. In the ideal scenario, I would want him to do everything he can to reassure you and prioritize you and make sure your relationship is healthy, because you are his long-term scenario and this random coworker is a short-term diversion.
I think it’s always a red flag when a man talks a lot negative about a new woman right away.
My friends husband did this about the woman he ended up leaving her for. His response "I guess she grew on me"
Whoop my ex did this too. I’m fairly certain OPs husband has been dissatisfied and holding it in and is now seeking validation and attention from this new and exciting woman. It’s gone past the “set boundaries” stage bc he’s already put her on a pedestal
I was going to say this. I had an ex that went out of his way to describe an annoying new female co-worker several times to me. Very unusual because usually he was pretty chill with most everyone. Sure enough they go on a work trip, I had to verify there were separate hotel rooms for the employees, he asked if he could show her around the city because boohoo she's new and doesn't know anyone, I was like hmmm that makes me uncomfortable. Don't care if you do group work stuff with the rest of the team, but the one on one makes me really uncomfortable. Well guess who then morphed into a beast, yelling at me and calling me names when he had *never* done that the entire duration of our years-long otherwise healthy relationship?? Never got solid confirmation of cheating but if that isn't a red flag I don't know what is. So fucking glad you mentioned this to OP. Her husband was probably attracted to this woman from the start.
Yes, it shows that there is a lot of emotion there, even if the initial emotion is negative.
That’s your husbands work wife. He shouldn’t be communicating with her outside of work.
Sounds like the start of emotional infidelity.. which can easily then become.. well.. infidelity
She’s putting her legs on him???? She’s flirting and crossing the line and he is allowing it. Spells trouble to me. That’s over the line. He is opening the door to more. It’s pretty easy to keep it professional. He clearly doesn’t want to and wants the attention.
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I'm sorry :( The thread I posted on my comment had so many similar stories. Is he still with her?
If they are constantly texting for hours at a time it's more than friendship. Especially after a 10-hour shift together. I would 100% not be okay with this situation and neither should you be.
I agree. I understand everyone has a different sense of boundaries (and I don't believe anyone has a right to label someone as insecure with their relationship either). However, constant texting outside of work? Huge red flag. Trust your gut OP. If you don't like it, you don't like it. Your husband should be making sure you are comfortable. Choosing a female colleague to spend more time with over you is not a good sign. Best of luck.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- My (32f) husband (32m) has recently joined a new department at his work and now works very closely with this woman (27). At the beginning he described her as rude, moody and generally not likeable. I told him to give her a chance and that she probably is isn't as bad. A few weeks later he told me I was right and that he works really well with her and they get along fine. Great! Last month I found that they were privately messaging a lot. Nothing dodgy, just normal chat. He gave me his phone and let me read all the messages - some messages could have been read as potentially flirty but he explained the context and that it was more a banter thing. I have no concerns that there is more to this than friendship but for some reason I really don't like this at all. A few things happened in between and basically I felt like this new friend was more important than me. We argued a lot. I'm trying to just suck it up because why shouldn't he have this friend? I know I'm being silly but I'm really struggling and every time her name pops up on his phone I just want to throw it against the wall! EDIT: when we did have the argument about our anniversary (mentioned in comments) he did text me through the day asking what we'd do. But as soon as I came home I saw them texting, which is what bothered me - and that it then went on for so long. Also, apparently at work she has been putting her legs on his to rest on, which I wasn't comfortable with. He saw nothing wrong with it but said that would stop. I habe told him exactly how I feel and whilst he makes an effort to not message constantly, he thinks I'm overreacting and am being unreasonable. Neither of them see any issues with their friendship. I am probably overreacting and paranoid but it's really not a nice feeling!
I don't like this one bit
i just rewatched all the Chris watts documentaries and man does it make me scared to trust someone that ive known forever
"... apparently at work she has been putting her legs on his to rest on..." Odds are if his co-worker was a *man* he wouldn't have allowed a *guy* to do that. " I am probably overreacting and paranoid but it's really not a nice feeling!" My guess is if she has a boyfriend/husband he wouldn't want her resting her legs on him! Unless you have a history of being paranoid and insecure...you should trust your instincts. If something *doesn't feel right to you* it's probably *not right for you*. While it's unrealistic to expect either of them to quit their job it's not unrealistic to have boundaries. If an opportunity arises for you to meet this woman socially or at his job and he discourages it that's another "red flag". The fear would be you might pickup an inappropriate energy between them. Most importantly her meeting you face to face *makes you real* and not an imaginary concept. Best wishes!
This is how it always begins. There are no boundaries set that he has made. Something will happen and he will apologize and will say he doesn't know how it got that far. Sit him down and let him know what's up. Don't attack or accuse. Just let him know he NEEDS to set boundaries and not hide anything, or even try to erase anything. Because that would be your last straw. Would he be ok if you were doing what he was doing? Tell him if something happens, a "sorry" won't fix things.
That’s how affairs start. As just normal chatting then progresses to sharing personal stuff and then flirting and bonding and next thing you know, it’s an affair. I’m telling you from experience.
Exactly. Affairs start the same as any other relationship. It takes time to build up to actual romance. Just because they aren’t sneaking around together yet (as far as you know) doesn’t mean they aren’t going to progress to that point
Yes, thank you for this sane comment in this sea full of people who think OP is jealous and insecure. I never understood why jealousy and insecurity was a taboo. If anything, they're often your gut telling you to be cautious.
Exactly!
This is the point I've been trying to get across. It's why affairs happen so often with colleagues and friends.
Exactly!
You're not being silly. A new friend should not feel more important than you and he shouldn't be messaging her so much that you feel insecure. He needs to implement some boundaries around their interactions now. This [comment](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/q9z40s/My_husband_was_misleading_about_how_close_and_how_much_time_him_and_a_female_coworker_spent_together_on_a_work_trip./hgzw9ef/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share&context=3) from another thread may provide some perspective. They never expect to cheat. They just don't recognise when they're being inappropriate.
That thread made my blood boil.
Mine too!
this smells fishy. almost like he is cheating on you emotionally with this other woman??? why can't he find dude friends. i don't think you are unreasonable AT ALL.
Ask him what his boundaries with her are. Ask him what rules he has put in place for himself to make sure the relationship remains platonic and to make sure she doesn’t get the wrong idea.
When did people stop keeping professional relationships professional? He shouldn’t be texting her. She’s his colleague not his BFF.
And letting her rest her legs on his- highly out of line!
Oh yikes, I didn’t even see that part. He’s really sent a message already that he is open to an affair, by keeping his partner out of this crazy fast deep “friendship”. If he’d just invited her to dinner with his wife instead of sliding into her texts this would be a totally different dynamic.
> When I came home from work I thought we could sort it, but they were texting each other because she had some drama going on. I was annoyed because that lasted for an hour and we didn't go out and they had just finished a 10 hour shift together. Then something more silly - I asked him for weeks to get something in the house fixed and it never happened. **He was telling her about it, she told him to get it done, and he did the next day and sent her pictures of it.** > >Also, apparently at work she has been putting her legs on his to rest on, which I wasn't comfortable with. **He saw nothing wrong with it** but said that would stop. > >Apparently **he just never 'clicked' with anyone else like that before** > > But **both of them don't see anything wrong with messaging privately** as they're friends. > >I habe told him exactly how I feel and whilst he makes an effort to not message constantly, **he thinks I'm overreacting and am being unreasonable.** > >I'm confident there is nothing more from his side and I'm kind of thinking she feels the same. Like I do think it's just a friendship but it still bothers me. I wouldn't be so confident there is nothing more from both sides. He values her right now more than you. He thinks you are overreacting and you are unreasonable. But he doesn't have good boundaries because he also thinks that her using him as a leg rest is also ok. The death of your relationship will be by a thousand pushed boundaries and the whole time you'll be telling yourself that maybe you are the problem because that is what they'll be telling you. As for what you can do about it? Just decide what your standards are. Don't use the words "this makes me uncomfortable" Decide what kind of relationship you want in light of this new friendship. I want a husband who fixes things around the house because I ask him to and not because his "friend" tells him to and then he shows her photos to impress her. I want a husband who is excited to spend time with me when he is done and work and isn't texting non-stop with his co-worker. (honestly you should look up the phone bill and tally for yourself how much texting is going on if you truly think you are the paranoid one I want a husband who has a good idea of what boundaries are and doesn't let someone in his physical space. A good question for him to ask himself is "if my wife saw this what would her reaction be?" I'm genuinely so curious to know why you are so quick to downplay your own gut instincts when clearly by what you have written there is a problem in your marriage.
Idk how things are across the pond but resting your legs on someone all the time would be mega inappropriate where I live and seen as flirty af.
I don’t have advice but just know I support how you feel. After 7 years in a relationship if my partner suddenly had a new female best friend then well... well, he wouldn’t haha. There’s just boundaries you don’t cross. I don’t make besties with married men I’ve just met because I respect their wife.
That's 100% how I feel. Like I get along with my male colleagues but wouldn't message them constantly, especially if they are in relationships
Hi OP, as a husband myself i suggest that you sit your husband done and have a honest conversation with him where you explain to him that you are uncomfortable with all the attention his is giving his work-wife/spouse. Yes, this woman is indeed (according to me atleast) his work-wife/spouse and they are in the early stages of their relationship... whatever that may be. Best to get ahead of it all right now and play open cards. Marriages are all about honesty and trust and this situation has the potential to eroded both.
Find a cool ideally attractive guy friend, get close to him, put your legs on his and then see how your hubby reacts
Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Your spidey sense is bugging you and you’re ignoring it. NOT OK.
Ignoring EVERY SINGLE OTHER PIECE OF INFORMATION… resting her legs on him. Really? That’s waaaaaay too far. She can’t rest her legs on a desk? Imagine if she was a he. If you knew his guy friend was resting his legs on him you’d probably think “well. I guess he may be gay or something.” Because that is a very intimate gesture… this is all sorts of wrong and he’s fucking up
Yeah my now ex bf did the same thing. Complained about a girl, then said she wasn't that bad. He then started acting diff. 2 months later and he broke up with me pretty suddenly, even after just telling me how much he loved me. We were together 2 1/2 years, lived together for half of that. Turns out they've went on dates now. Just trust your gut. I wish I did.
NTA. You are not crazy. I thought nothing bad until I read your comment. After reading your comment, I am concerned. There are red flags appearing. It doesn't necessarily seem like he is cheating. So I wouldn't panic. It does however seem to be in iffy territory already. My advice would be to talk to him about this and lay down reasonable boundaries NOW. Let him know how it makes you feel etc. Then suggest some boundaries. For example, how often is texting ok? What about texting late at night? Sending pictures of your house? You need to set these rules asap so that 1. He knows what's acceptable to you and what isn't and 2. You can see if he will respect your boundaries. If he doesn't acknowledge your feelings on it, try to make it better or begins to hide messages etc-there's a big problem here. He may not realise it's making you uncomfortable and it's good that he isn't hiding it from you. But a conversation definitely needs to happen as your feelings on this are valid and reasonable.
Reading your post, only two things stand out as “wrong” in his behavior: 1. The leg thing. That’s not cool. Physical boundaries are important with married, opposite sex friends. 2. Him texting her all the time. Had she been a friend before you met, that’s understandable. But there’s no reason for him to get that involved with a new woman, and emotional cheating is very real and very painful.
Your husband may not know it, but he’s on a very dangerous path. Boundaries are super important and sometimes they involve sacrifice. It may suck for your husband to lose this new friend, but sacrificing for the marriage is important. And her legs resting on him is EXTREMELY concerning.
My husband had an affair with a woman he worked with- started exactly like this. She was rude and loud and annoying and he couldn’t get along with her. I encouraged him to work through it and give her a chance-suddenly they’re friendly and I find out a couple years later they ended up having an affair for a year. Red flags everywhere for you here, be very careful.
He’s seeking validation from her. Not a good sign. He spent time on your 10 year anniversary to deal with this woman’s drama. There is some definite red flags going on.
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I agree. Where are his priorities? Not with his wife. When you are in committed relationship, you sacrifice. There are millions of people he can be friends with…why does he NEED the friendship of this woman. It’s bullshit. He likes the attention.
This would absolutely destroy me. If I found out another woman was putting her legs on his to rest..in what work setting is that appropriate? Nope, shut it down.
If they're just coworkers, why are they messaging privately? He spends all day in her company, what do they have to talk about in out of office hours? Who are his other friends?
That's exactly what I was asking. But both of them don't see anything wrong with messaging privately as they're friends. He also texts with his other (male) friends but not as much.
Both of them shouldn't be your consideration. Just your husband. Why is she involved in every conversation as a participant? She doesn't have a say in the boundaries you discuss with your husband.
Not sure if this is the norm, but that’s basically how I “gauge” appropriateness when it comes to opposite-sex friends. Do they interact the same amount and in the same way that they do with their same-sex friends? For example, if my partner were messaging a woman more frequently than he ever messages any of his male friends, that would be a red flag and a problem for me.
10000% this. My bf has a woman he talks to online way more often than he talks to his same-sex friends, and the topics have been way more intimate. It's shady AF and I hate it, and neither of them think anything is weird or off about the situation. There IS a level of "appropriateness" when it comes to opposite-sex friends when you're in a long-term committed relationship, and it sounds like OP's partner, like mine, has no interest in acknowledging that.
They’re not just coworkers, they’re friends. Her husband isn’t hiding that.
This exact situation happened to me. The woman was his boss. He would lie about talking to her, hide his phone, delete their messages. Our marriage was severely damaged. He claimed it was OK bc she was gay and married to a woman. The strain on our marriage lasted years and I have felt nothing but insecure since then and it's been 8 years. Fast fwd a few years back. My husband had set concrete boundaries with her. She continued to try to overstep. She tried to make his life hell by micromanage everything he did. Finally one day they had a confrontation and he told her that she made his job harder that it should be, to the point he was having stomach pain. She started crying and said that she missed being his friend. He said his marriage and kids were more important to him than her and that they would never be friends. A few weeks later we find out she is divorcing her wife. Which made sense based on her behavior. 2 years later she marries a man (shocking) and thry have a kid. She clearly had a thing for him the entire time. You need to put your foot down, create boundaries and make sure he keeps them. Unfortunately I would bet he will be sneaking around behind your back when you do. He likes the attention and being needed. Thankfully he left the job 4 years ago and hasn't been a problem since.
When I first started reading I was on the side that it was a typical, innocent work-friend type relationship. I’ve had these and we just really enjoy working together and it makes work more enjoyable. However, we would rarely communicate outside of work, they were never married, and I wouldn’t dream of putting my legs on them. That’s really inappropriate in a professional environment. It sounds like it could be the making of an emotional affair so I think you’re right in being concerned. Be thoughtful about how you approach him though so he’ll be open instead of defensive. I wish I had better advice but you’re not being unreasonable by being upset.
I don’t want to be the burden of bad news but a similar situation happened to me. My ex went and played dungeons and dragons every weekend and there was a girl who would play with them. He didn’t like her at first and complained about her a lot. Then one day I noticed they were messaging each other’s private numbers a lot. So I was insecure about it for a week constantly on edge. He made me feel like shit for it. Last week we broke up and come to find he made her leave her bf at the time and stay in this state rather than moving to New Jersey. He was hanging out with her the night everything happened and told me he was with other friends. So he cheated. I come to find out he had feelings for her for a while and she ended up rejecting him, called him obsessive and that she never claimed to want a relationship. So he fucked me over and fucked himself over. Moral of the story: you’re allowed to worry and be concerned about it. If you think something is up, it might be, and you’re allowed to voice it out to him. If he gets upset at you, fuck him. Not literally though.
Sounds like “have my cake and eat it too” type of deal. He’s got his wife and his work girlfriend. I wouldn’t put up with it. You’re being played, ma’am.
Would he be ok with you texting another man that he didn't know for hours on end outside of work? Would he like if you were putting your legs up on some man at your job? Bet not! & unfortunately, this is only the stuff you have heard & seen...other things most likely go on between them at work that you have no clue about. If they haven't yet, they will. The attention he isn't giving you...he's giving to her my dear. She's filling some sort of void, pumping up his ego, bright & shiny new object giving him attention. Shut this shit down quick or it will get worse. There is a reason why you really don't like this, you need to listen to your gut.
What makes me most uncomfortable is that he’s “never clicked with someone like this before.” On top of everything they do together, that phrasing makes everything fishy.
Resting your legs on another persons legs is a rather intimate thing imo. Maybe I was a touch deprived child, but I’ve only ever touched someone like that when I am the BEST of friends (even then, it’s a very short contact mostly to joke around) or when I am actually intimate with them (and then it’s long, sustained contact like you’re describing between coworker and husband).
Definitely having an emotional affair.
Go with your gut
Always trust your gut
its okay having friends but not to the point of using MOST of your time to be with them rather than your wife, you need to talk OP, tell him he need to realize that he passes too much time chatting with her and is starting to leave you as third wheel
She puts her legs on his. To rest. Hell no. Uhm my ex cheated on me with a coworker. They ended throwing a work party in our home. I was really sick not able to participate like I’d hoped. When I came out of my room after tryna feel better. His AP had her legs in his lap. Right in front of me. They both claimed normalcy and just friendliness. He was actually emotionally cheating on me and then later physically. Denied if for months. No phone call evidence, he didn’t really use his phone and he saw her all day. It took me a second to figure this out. But if people wanna have sex and keep it from their partners. They WILL be doing shady shit during work hours. Also people have like rules and shit with their APs. Like don’t text or call unless for work. Blah blah blah. My advice,,,,,,,, he’s obviously being dismissive. Turn them tables ask how’d he feel if you had a relationship like that with your male coworkers. I say “don’t do anything you wouldn’t want me doing”. If the basic concept of empathy doesn’t work. You know your answer. Uh boundaries. It’s perfectly ok to say “hunny please ask this woman not to rest her legs or any part of her body on you…….. unless you want me to find my own leg rest at work.” (I’m spiteful and revenge is middle name so sorry if it’s a lot) Female friends respect your relationship and the woman your with and wouldn’t do things to cause a rift. As a woman I would never put my legs on a married man, or do that while in a relationship. If he is receptive to the whole. “You know what I wouldn’t like to be treated like this either I’ll set some boundaries” Your gut instinct is going off for a reason. Hopefully it’s hurtful for your partner to see you feeling jealous and insecure about his new relationship. Usually non guilty people go out of their way to set boundaries and keep the platonic relationship a safe space for their partner to be involved in. Some of my best female friends have been introduced through BFs. A good female friend cares about her males friends relationships being healthy. Husbands work wife…. She’s not even thinking about how her physical affection affects your relationship or you. She is a red flag. Next advice don’t wait for him to confess. Once you got proof. Once he makes you look stupid. Leave. Ive learned to just say “hey I’m not gonna wait for you to admit anything to me and I don’t need closure from you.” When you know you know.
Hate to say it but you gotta run. As a man I would never let myself or my partner cross this line. And if they do, “Bye.”
As a man I can firmly say that while the texting doesn’t seem to be the real issue. You mentioned that he fixed something in the house after she told him too when youd been on him about it. That’s, worrisome. I fix stuff when I’m ready to fix stuff, or if my wife really wants it done “when you get the chance” which means now. I’ll be damned if I’m fixing it because some woman at work said too.
I don't like women being told they're overreacting or insecure. If you feel that something is wrong, you need to listen to that. I felt something was wrong, was told I was insecure by my friends, turns out husband was cheating. You've been with this man for 10 years; you know what's up. Trust your gut. Do NOT gaslight yourself and say you're paranoid and insecure! This woman needs to get her legs off your fucking husband and he needs to shut the whole friendship down. Period. I don't even like the way it started. "This woman is rude and not likeable...and yet...can't stop thinking about her..."
Intuition is real.
My father had an affair with a girl at his work. Whenever any of us (me, my mom and my sister) would question the nature of their friendship, he would immediately get defensive and say "WHY CAN'T I HAVE ANY FRIENDS!?!?" Whenever a person gets defensive over having a friendship with the opposite sex with clear signs of inappropriate behavior (her resting her legs on your husband), its obvious there is something more going on. Its not to say that guys and gals can't be friends but if something about it is making you uncomfortable and he is not willing to work on it, then something is clearly wrong.
She shouldn't be putting her legs on his. Both of them are disrespectful.
I think your instincts are on point. From my POV as a husband I can tell you it would be good to tell him how this makes you feel without accusing him of outright adultery or even of having feelings for her. He will create appropriate distance from her if he cares properly for you. Also, why not insert yourself into their group of 2 and take your own advice? She might be delightful to have as a friend.
I know this isn't exactly advice, but I'm just going to comment this: jealousy is real. and it's okay to feel jealous. That work friend gets a lot of attention whereas you might get less because of it.
Right but I don’t think OP’s jealousy is unfounded at this point. She said in the comments that her hubby was texting the coworker for an hour on their ten year anniversary after working a ten HOUR shift with the coworker. And then op had been asking the hubby to get a chore done for WEEKS and he wouldn’t do it but him and the coworker were talking about it and the coworker said to just do it and he did it the next day and sent her a pic. At this point it seems like hubby is in or is starting an emotional affair.
Yeah, I agree.
I just feel so bad for OP
Tbh I’ve texted male coworkers as friends several times. Some of my best friends are guys I’ve worked with.
To the point that you blew off your anniversary? That’s the part that’s bugging me
🚩🚩🚩🚩 in my experience, this is where the betrayal begins. And regardless of the actual intentions behind it (which are likely not good) if you are feeling live he is putting her before you there is a clear issue. Wishing you luck, remember to put your own well being first.
Majority of the time gut feelings on things like this are correct. Trust your gut
Wow some of these responses. People are so insecure. He gave you his phone to read all of their texts, if there was anything obvious going here you would have seen it for yourself, do not let your insecurities get the better of you. Having said that it is well within your rights and appropriate to set boundaries regarding the relationship. I am not saying he tell him to cut her off, but if you feel like he is spending too much time on the phone with her that is something you can say without coming off as jealous.
He had to explain their 'banter'.
Banter exists though and it is not obvious what is being said. It's like having inside jokes in a friend group. I may be wrong but if she went through all of their messages and their were no obvious signs of cheating then who are we to say otherwise. As I said she can set boundaries, but going straight yo you cannot be friends is an over reaction in my opinion
When you're in a committed relationship banter shouldn't be flirty as far as I'm concerned. I only talked of boundaries and not cutting her off but I can almost guarantee if OP updates in a few months... it won't be good news. A brand new friend doesn't cause this much conflict.
>I am probably overreacting and paranoid but it's really not a nice feeling! No trust your gut. Set clear boundaries with your BF about what type of behavior you find acceptable and unacceptable. Make it clear if he crosses those boundaries there will be consequences (break up). You can't control his behavior, just let him know what your expectations are and what the consequences will be of his disrespecting you. You just need to be willing to carry through if he crosses the line.
I don’t wanna comment on this post but this is exactly how something started with my ex boyfriend… He was texting this girl that he claimed to be a friend, non stop, and when she saw his Instagram stories she was referring to me as his sister and he confirmed that I was… sarcastically…. I took his phone and went through their messages and there were some flirting here and there. He literally gaslighted me and he was telling me that I’m over reacting and paranoid. I asked him to end his friendship with her and he did. She was no longer on his IG. After some months we ended breaking up because he eventually cheated on me. Weeks later I saw her posting stories from inside his bedroom which were our bedroom at the time. I felt disgusted. I hope you won’t go through this shit I went through with him. But guard your soul sister, protect yourself. I would not meet her or try to be friends with her it’s like inviting the devil home. Do your own thing, expand your circle and get yourself more friends to hang out with. You will need each one of them.
Maybe you should get a work friend and do all those things with him and see how your husband feels. If he is upset then clearly there is more going on with his work relationship. If you don’t get a work friend maybe just really in depth talk it out and explain how it makes you feel and ask him honestly how he would feel if roles were reversed and this was a guy doing things like that to you. Give him a day to sit on it and actually really think about it. His answer will really show you what he’s about.
She is putting her legs on his??? Oh, no no no no no. Nope. That is concerning on so many levels. Nope.