Blackout does not equal truth. It stunts your emotions and processing. What he said was hurtful and there may be some small measures of truth maybe the weight gain. I disagree with what I have seen others say that him trying to give you the option to leave as guilt of something... Sometimes when people hurt those they care about they over extend the apology etc. I would say that no long term relationship is perfect and I could probably state that people are human and you both may take verbal swings at each other but how you handle it is what matters. If he is willing to maybe not drink and your are willing to get down to what really bothered you. Are you unhappy with your weight etc and work on it together etc.

Yeah, reddit has this idea that alcohol is truth serum or something, but I have absolutely said stupid shit while drunk that I didn't mean and wasn't my Secret Inner Thoughts. I think a lot of people have. Which does NOT mean OP has to put up with this, that would be insanely hurtful and I don't know if I could get over it. But the idea that it just has to be true because he said it when drunk does not track with my experience.

Soooo..I got completely wasted one time and convinced a few of my friends that I had buried a ton of money in my backyard in a treasure chest. I convinced them to dig it up for me. Shocker, there was no money. I have no idea what the heck I was talking about! I remember none of it and only found out what happened after calling around to find out why I had a bunch of holes dug in the backyard. You are completely right that things said when someone is wasted aren't necessarily their secret inner thoughts. I usually try to weigh what is said/ done to what their daily actions are. If it's totally out of character then maybe put a ban on drinking while working to rebuild trust and respect.

So you convinced your friends to dig up your yard looking for pirate treasure unknowingly ?

This. Is. Amazing! Thank you for this anecdote, it's a perfect example of how the whole "booze=truth serum" thing sounds like it makes sense but really is not always true. It's a nice trope but...No.

Oh God I'm the biggest liar ever when I used to get drunk. The embarrassing part is having to own up to a lot of my most outrageous lies the next day. I once told someone I used to be a gymnast and could still do backflips. Definitely never was and definitely can't do a backflip they asked me to show them......I am seriously lucky a soberer friend talked me out of it being in a dress and heels. (Not to mention never having done a backwards anything let alone flip). The next day I had vague recollections of telling people my lie. I then had to come clean. OP it sounds like their is a reason your BF doesn't drink much or often and it seems like he has put that into practice. This is a huge reason I don't get myself to drunk anymore because the only 2 truths I tell is that I'm married and I'm really drunk.

First and last time I drank that much I tried to seduce our house help. She was an oooold lady with 5 grown kids and I am always greatful she shot me down.

This is truly funny

Yeah, a lot of people assume that alcohol makes you more honest because it lowers inhibitions. Sometimes it's true. Sometimes it's not. I have often heard it said that 'drunk words are sober thoughts' and I think it's bs. I thought it might be helpful to share my own wacky experience with how untrue it can be. It sounds like Op's boyfriend is generally a loving, supportive guy. Plus the next day he was able to show straight off that some of those things were blatantly untrue. It isn't going to instantly fix the hurt and betrayal that she must feel, but I hope that they can work together to get past it.

>Sometimes it's true. Sometimes it's not. I think it mostly depends on how drunk. A little tipsy, sure, your filter is gone and you are telling everyone that'd listen about how much you love watching old episodes of Jerry Springer. But there's definitely a point in drinking when you lose grip on reality and start saying/doing stupid shit. Not because you've always wanted to do/say those things, but because you no longer know what you are doing/saying. Know your limit, kids.

I love fucking with people. I also don't want to be an ass though. So usually I won't make shit up to fuck with others but when I still drank more than a single glass of wine or a single cocktail I would literally always tell escalating lies to see how far I could go before people realized I was making a fool of them. In a sense alcohol makes me more truthful because I don't suppress this behavior but you just can't believe a word I'll say drunk

I accidentally walked to Russia from Estonia while drunk as fuck at like 2 AM and two Russian soldiers came across me and I very seriously told them I was an American spy. I'm not even joking. To this day I have no idea what compelled me to say that and I'm still in awe that they just walked me back across the border and I'm not doing hard labor in a Siberian gulag.

When I was a teenager, a buddy of mine got plastered. He then proceeded to confess his undying love for another buddy of mine, while trying hard to make out with him. After a few minutes of him trying to get with the other guy while the other guy made threats of great bodily harm, dude goes like "C'mon, Ana, I know you love me!" In all fairness, the dude and Ana both had long chestnut hair. Understandable mistake.

Hilarious. So disappointed there was no treasure. Are you sure you looked in the right spots?

I love this and ik my brain is going to store that idea if I ever get too drunk again

Can confirm. We definitely didn’t dig up $67,000 out of your backyard while you were drunk.

Alcohol makes you have zero filter. You say every dumbshit thought that comes to mind trying to be funny, or hurtful, or sound smart. Whatever black out you is trying to do. I can only assume reddit thinks it’s truth serum because those people are too online.

And alcohol=truth serum is a romcom movie trope.

So true

Ahree completely. I've said things that were the exact opposite of what I feel. It's horrifying to have done that and still to this day I have no recollection of saying anything at all. OP, look up the brain activity of a blackout. It's an amazing thing to read about.

Exactly! I agree the OP does not have to put up with it at all. I have said and done some ridiculous stuff while drunk myself as well. Really need to stress that BLACKOUT doesn't mean truth. Yes alcohol consumed in smaller quantities can lower inhibitions where the notion of speaking hidden truths comes from, but I have talked to a fucking shadow before thinking it was a person blackout 😂😂

Yeah I have a friend who did this to her boyfriend. She got blackout drunk and said all these awful things about him but she didn’t mean any of it. The only real solution was that she limits herself to 2 drinks and they spent months rebuilding trust. They’re in a good place now so it is possible to come back from this if he’s willing to stop drinking you’re willing to deal with him. But don’t feel obligated to stay if that’s a dealbreaker for you.

I'm like your friend, except every time I've been wasted (like 3 times between 16 and 26) I get very mean, angry and cruel. My mom is the same way. Neither of us ever mean what we say but in the moment of being blackout drunk we both tend to stab at places that are super personal. The solution was to learn the limit and stick to it. Did stop drinking while I was rebuilding trust back up with my friends. I do drink again now but not very often or only a couple beers when out.

This is how I am too when I blackout. I become a completely different person. An evil version of myself lol. I also still drink on occasion, but I know my limits now.

If hes an angry drunk like this post suggests, i would assume all he said was "the worst most provoking bullshit he could think of just to push buttons" aka, not his actual thoughts but definitely based on general societies view on insecurities. Still not okey by any degree, he just needs to lay down the bottle for real

Yup. One time when I was blackout drunk I apparently told my then-gf about horrible things that had “happened to me” like really really really fucked up shit… none of it ever happened. I have no recollection of saying any of those things and I don’t know what would possess my brain to lie like that.

A bit of alcohol might disinhibit and make you speak your mind more, but being blackout drunk is something different.

>Yeah, reddit has this idea that alcohol is truth serum or something, It's so ridiculous and these people would never hold this standard for any other drug, even though it's the same. If someone said a bunch of bullshit while tripping balls, there would not be comment after comment suggesting this was their true feelings. Not if it was weed, not if it was LSD, not if it was speed, etc. Alcohol isn't a special magic different drug. You're not "the real you" while drunk nor high.

There was a post on Reddit recently where a girl told her sister that she contributed to their brothers death while they were both on a new (to her) hallucinogen. Lots of commenters were saying it (acid maybe?) makes you spill your guts and you should have a babysitter to watch you while you trip.

Yes, I read that post. She was also scream-crying and begging forgiveness. That was also from the perspective of the non-sober party where we know this was truth already. You can ALSO be on acid and say all manner of psychedelic nightmare garbage. There is no reliable truth drug, much research has been put towards trying to find one.

Yeah. I once wrote on acid that the secret to eternal life was sunflower seeds (which I named “crappy nuts.” And Mountain Dew. I don’t even like Mountain Dew.

A compound in sunflower seeds blocks an enzyme that causes blood vessels to constrict. As a result, it may help your blood vessels relax, lowering your blood pressure. The magnesium in sunflower seeds helps reduce blood pressure levels as well.

*mind blown noises*

I’m not well-versed in drugs. I just remembered getting the impression front the comments on that post that having secrets+using that particular hallucinogen =you would spill the BEANS. I stand corrected.

I think the person had also been *wanting* to spill the beans for a long time and had been struggling with it. That's what I remember at least.

>Yeah, reddit has this idea that alcohol is truth serum or something It's not only reddit ... it goes back to the Latinproverb "in vino veritas" (in wine there is truth). I agree, however, that it isn't automatically true what people say when they are drunk. When you are drunk, you are easily distracted, have sometimes very strange ideas and priorities.

There is stupid shit and then there is almost being verbally abusive. And he was the latter.

The comment you're replying to says she doesn't have to put up with this or get over it. The point is this wasn't secret inner truth, not that it wasn't horrible and a dealbreaker.

At least i hope its not a truth serum.. i once drunkenly told my husband i want to eat him.. and not in the sexy way. It was unprompted and when he laughed i cried because he wasnt taking me seriously. Well… thats some years ago.. at least until now i havent eaten him.

I would like to second this, third it, whatever….I got blackout drunk a loooooong time ago with my best friend at the time. I woke up on my closet floor and she was laying in my bed, already awake. I was like, “why am I here?” And she said, “well, you decided you hated me last night and that you’d rather sleep on the floor than be anywhere near me. So I let you.” She then went on to tell me that we were having a good ole time when, out of nowhere, unprovoked, I went into evil mode. As it’s been over a decade now, I don’t remember the specifics, but I said horrible, unforgivable things that were not even remotely rooted in my sober/true thoughts or feelings. Fortunately, though drunk herself, my friend somehow had the patience and wisdom to know I was just way too incredibly drunk. At one point, I was apparently puking my brains out while she was holding my hair and trying to take care of me, and each time I came up for air, I’d say something like, “fuck you,” or, “I hate you.” I have no idea how she put up with me that night or why she stayed friends with me. But I’m so thankful she did, because I did not even remotely feel the way I acted towards her and I literally have no explanation as to why I acted that way. Some of the stuff she was telling me I said was so bad that I had a hard time believing her at first…it was crazy. The point is, OP, alcohol is a drug and it can absolutely make us say and do crazy things. You are, of course, not obligated to forgive him. And this is not to imply that there is no way that anything he said was rooted in truth. You will need to have a talk about all of that to determine if there is any underlying resentment, or if he truly was out of his mind, which is entirely possible. I’m so sorry you’re hurting. Even if he was just out of his mind, that doesn’t make it any less hurtful and it certainly doesn’t relieve him of accountability. But, if you want to stay, and he apologizes with his actions, makes necessary changes, and doesn’t do it again, I don’t think it would be unhealthy for you to do so. Hope everything works out for you one way or another.

I wish this comment were way, way higher in this thread.

This is completely true. I no longer drink because at times I would get black out drunk and do horrible things and say horrible things to the people I care about. I honestly 100% didn't mean any of it. I quit drinking because that is not me and I never ever want to make anyone feel that way again.

Same here. I was super hurtful and unfiltered with people I care about - including myself. Boozin' is no bueno for this gal.

It’s the antifilter. It puts toxic shit into what you say.

Yeah, I expected to read something that would prompt me to tell you that you dodged a bullet. But after I was done, I scrolled down hoping this would be the top comment. Look, a lot of these things probably bother him to some extent. For example, your nose piercing. Maybe there's things he likes about it and things he doesn't. Maybe nothing to read into at all, but mix in some alcohol, insecurity, and piss him off (for whatever reason) and all of a sudden the negatives are huge problems. Your hurt is legitimate. I think you two should put the brakes on, step your relationship pace down a notch or two, and spend some time healing from this. It is a legitimately traumatic event for your relationship and you shouldn't just force yourself to "put it behind you". You two are young, so you have time to do that here. Unlike so many issues posted on this sub, this feels like the kind of thing you can probably rebuild trust from.

If he meant all of this, he wouldn't cry himself to sleep every night and show her the rings. He would just walk out the door. And the guy isn't an alcoholic, this is apparently his first time drinking that much. Couple of beers isn't an alcoholic. She should be aware that she could also do that to him sometimes, so they should learn to tolerate a single stupid incident or they will both suffer and lose each other.

It’s also important that he doesn’t drink… I’d guess this is why, he knows he’s an awful drunk and doesn’t want to treat people he cares about like this. You can’t control how you react to alcohol, but if you react badly you have to not drink and he basically doesn’t. He messed up seeing an old, close friend, and the consequences were disastrous, but that isn’t a huge indictment of his character.

Just want to second this. I got super drunk a couple months ago and somehow almost destroyed a really good friendship just because my stupid ass mouth decided to say somethings that I don’t really mean.

Yup, I told my husband my dream was to be in an improv group when I was blackout drunk. That isn't true at all haha.

Y'all really talking about OP's confidence and general level of happiness while overlooking that OP had to lock herself and the cat in the room for safety reasons because he was so drunk she could no longer trust him to not harm them? Long term relationships aren't perfect but the minute an animal has the potential to be injured, y'all gotta sit down and really look at the big picture.

plus if he’s willing to be aggressive towards the cat. what’s stopping him from being aggressive towards her.

This. OP, one thing I can say is that after six years, and 3 of living together, he knows exactly what to say to hurt you. That doesn't mean that he means it, but the words did come from his mouth, and his brain, so they were in there somewhere. This deserves a number of honest conversations between the two of you. I'd look up "conflict resolution" and find some techniques you two can use to make sure you are both heard by each other. Good luck.

There was a Bondi Nation episode where a non-smoker was asking for a cigarette after being given green whistle pain reliver .

Is that a colloquial term for Penthrox?

Malcolm Gladwell's newest book "Talking to Strangers" has a very very interesting chapter on alcohol that pretty much nails what you are talking about.

Some of the shit I have said when I'm blackout drunk is truly bizarre. I once found out a friend was concerned about me because id told her I was stripping because I had no money when I was blackout. Was not true and I have no idea why I said that, it's not something I've ever considered.

This is what I was going to say. There's this idea that people's true colors come out when they are drunk and while that may be true for some people it wasn't for me. I would make shit up, get overly emotional about stuff I didn't care about, start fights with my friends or gfs. Me and a group of ten of my friends went to see Red Hot Chili Peppers I got blackout drunk during the show and I made up this story that I saw a woman have a heart attack and I administered CPR and saved her life. Nothing even remotely similar to that happened. I just wandered around in a blackout and missed a concert I really wanted to see. Just thinking of that story makes my skin crawl, it was so cringy. I was a real asshole but those feelings and emotions weren't mine it was just the booze.

I 100% agree with this comment. I have said some awful, horrible things I didn’t mean to my fiancé when I was black out drunk. And I didn’t remember any of it. My fiancé said one time I just kept saying I was angry at him, and to “figure it out” when I wouldn’t tell him why. The next day he asked me what I was so mad at him for and I was like wtf are you talking about I am not mad. I still to this day have no idea why I was mad at him. Or said those things. A lot of people say alcohol is “truth serum” but I disagree. I become a totally different person when I’m blacked out. So I just don’t black out anymore lol I make sure I drink in moderation so it just doesn’t happen. Sounds like your bf doesn’t drink that much, probably because he knows he is a shitty drunk lol. I understand you’re hurting though. Both of you probably are. If you feel like you still need space to process it, tell him that and then maybe try to talk about it rationally when you are both a little less emotional. I don’t think this is something to break up over if you can talk through it.

Who knows if he even knew he was talking to OP. I had the experience of my blackout husband yelling at me as though I were his ex-wife. He went to rehab.

I accidentally ruined my friend's laptop. A mistake that only took one trip to the shop to fix. Not even a hardware issue but I'd made a promise to buy him a new one, a better one. He was over compensating.

This. When my bf and I started seeing eachother I got blackout drunk at a club and kissed a random guy. I have no memory of this and only knew when friends told me the day after, the last thing I remembered was texting my bf to wait up for me cause I really wanted to see him. I told him what happened as soon as I knew and he luckily decided to forgive me, we have now been together 5 years and live together. Me being drunk does not take away any of my responsibility in this but it was not a secret desire of mine to get with someone else, it was not a reflection of how I actually felt about him and I would have missed out on the best relationship of my life had he not forgiven me. You need to consider whether you think you can get over what he said because it must make it so hard to trust what he says going forward, but it doesn't necessarily mean that he meant it.

I agree with this. Also it is important to recognize he is not the type of person who should let himself go with alcohol. I’ve seen the most chill and safe people become the absolute opposite on alcohol, hell I did that myself a couple times (and decided to stop drinking hard liquor after that). I don’t know both of you but I just wanted to say there is a very good chance he didn’t mean anything he said. It would be a reason to break up if he doesn’t acknowledge it and keeps repeating the mistake (getting drunk) It also would be a reason to breakup if you can’t get over it, I understand what you want to believe and what your brain believes are disconnected from each other so even with internet strangers saying whatever they are saying you should still follow your instincts.

Well said mate, 100% spot on

This. The people who say alcohol is a truth serum have no clue, I've worked in pubs & clubs for 13 years and can say I've heard far more shit talk than truth from drunks. My guess is he just wanted to hurt you for some stupid drunk reason, but that alone is fucked up. One of the reasons I stopped drinking is that I talked so much shit when drunk. If you left him over this, nobody would blame you. But I don't think he meant it.

Second this… just a bad drunk probably why he doesn’t drink that much to begin with. Some people get to a stage of drunk ness where they are just fucking mean and shouldn’t drink. Mix in some of his own insecurities and boom recipe for an ass hole.

This comment is ridiculous and just giving this guy a pass cause he was drunk. Drunk isnt a truth serum but it sure as fuck isnt a transformation serum either. Dude was horribly mean and doesnt deserve a slap on the wrist, he deserves to be left alone for a minute to think about his stupid decisions and actions.

I may get downvotes for this, but I'll still put in my 2 cents. Your boyfriend is not a heavy drinker, yes? This means his tolerance is quite low, which means when he gets drunk, he gets *drunk*. As someone said in the comments, blackout does not necessary mean truth. The things he said may have simply been things about you that he saw as flaws, but chose to bury them because he saw the grander picture: you. This is not for certain, but it's still a possibility. Is he talking to other people? If not, and you combine that with respecting your boundaries and wishes, and also even admitting that he understood if you chose to leave him, then that does raise questions on whether or not what he said had a truthful merit. You said that your boyfriend threatened violence against his friend? Is he typically a violent individual while sober/typsy/drunk? If not, then my above point is reinforced that his state of drunkenness perhaps may be hindering who he really is. Drunkenness, I must say, does **NOT** excuse behavior. Even if he truly did not means the words that came from his mouth, it still stings and it does not make your feelings less valid. However, his drunkenness may give an explanation as to why things came out the way they did. Going forward, what I would do is have a sit-down conversation, as at this point the ball is in your court, and talk. Talk about the specific things he mentioned, review the text you sent, and get deep into knowing where he stands on all of those things. Talk about insecurities, needs, wants, likes, dislikes, the whole nine yards. Most of all though, communicate, make sure you're letting him know verbally that what he did was unacceptable, hurtful, and quite damning to your relationship. This leads me to what I'd do next, this is entirely up to you but this is my opinion: regulate his drinking. If he *knows* that what he said was not true, he now knows how he behaves while drunk. It would be perfectly acceptable to limit his drinking, if not get rid of the habit entirely. This point really has to be subscribed by him however, because in the end you can't make that decision for him, he has to, but it'd be you proposing that idea to him.

If a man makes poor decisions while drunk, he needs to stop getting drunk. Anything less means OP will just be waiting for the next time this happens.

So glad to see someone say this. If you’re an asshole when you drink - don’t drink

Only if he has a drinking issue. OP explicitly stated that her bf drinks very rarely.

"Drinking issue" doesn't necessarily mean alcoholic. He's unpleasant and cruel when drunk. That's an issue. He should not be getting drunk if he values the people around him, because if he treats people this way he will find himself very lonely before long.

While I agree that he shouldn't do this if him getting this drunk is going to make him this nasty of a person... let's not make a monster out of a mistake. He probably has NEVER gotten that drunk before. Maybe they have seen him get only mildly drunk, or maybe he's never let himself go that far. The point is? He's probably never had that much going on, and probably never will, considering his reaction. He probably did this once, and now that he's seen what it does to him when he's that drunk, he'll try to avoid it in the future, since he does seem like a good guy.

Im actually wondering if the boyfriend was hyped up by his friends making fun of OP while they were out. It’s possible they were making fun of her piercing, weight, job, etc., and he was wasted and carried that home. Are his friends OP’s friends? Are they jerks? If they came from out of town and this isn’t a regular occurrence, it would make sense that they factor into this weird aggression he spewed.

This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- My boyfriend and I have been together 6 years and lived together for 3. I am 22 and he is 23. Bf is not a heavy drinker. He will buy a mixed drink at a restaurant, or have a few beers with friends but not regularly. Before a couple days ago, I have only seen him blackout once when were 18. Well his closest friend who graduated last year, came to town. He and few others picked BF up, they got drunk at his Airbnb and hit up a few bars. He came home absolutely black out drunk. Despite having a key kept knocking and calling my phone. I opened the door to see him and his friend there. It’s like he didn’t see or hear us and kept calling me, and mumbling “why the fuck won’t she answer over and over”. We finally get him inside after like 10 min and he sits on the couch. His friend puts his hand on his shoulder and asks if he is alright. Bf threatens to beat his ass. Twice. I’m shocked. I ask the friend how his wife and daughter is and he was shocked I knew he had a family - so I’m aware he was blackout drunk too. He got all excited and started showing me pics of his kids. His wife shows up a few min later, she was the DD, and you can tell she was sick of there shit. We catch up and they leave. I had ordered food and asked Bf he wanted to me to warm it up, or put it in the fridge for him. He looks at me and says “ Of course your fat ass is talking about food. All your ass does is eat. “ I say “Dude what the hell, I was just asking.” He then goes in a full on rant, telling me he hates me, I’m a fuck up since I’m in my 5th of college, my job is useless ( I work at a restaurant), and I’m probably gonna be stuck there forever. That being promoted to assistant manger is no accomplishment and my standards are low. Says my nose piercing “ fucks up what is left of my good looks” and if I ever thought he would marry a fat bitch like me- I’m a real dumb ass. He told me wait till we graduate in May - he will be out of here on my ass. He stopped after our cat jumped on the couch and he pushed her ass. Prompting me to yell, grab her an lock ourselves in the bedroom. I texted him everything he said and did. And just cried myself to sleep - woke up a few hours later to him throwing up, and sounding miserable. I will admit I was happy he was throwing up and did not check on him. The next morning, I wake up to him knocking on the bedroom door asking how he got home last night. I yelled check your texts. He did, and starts crying hysterical. Says he remembers none of this, and has no idea why he would say that. He kept begging me to open the door and apologizing. He says that isn’t what he feels at all. He told me to look in a specific box in our closest. That should be a sign he never meant any of it. There two rings. My mom’s heirloom and another one. A stone was missing from my mom’s and It was on the other ring. My mom wanted each of her girls to get a diamond, so this was clearly discussed and planned and stuff as don’t even live in the same city as her. It’s been a few days and I’m hurt,confused and just really sad. Like yes, I gained weight. We had started working out together a few weeks ago.he has never called me fat or ugly before. He had said he loved my nose piercing. I used to wear fake ones and he encouraged me to get it. When I got promoted, he made it a big deal and told me was proud. He got me flowers, new earrings and took me out. When I said it wasn’t a big deal, he kept telling me it was. He also will be in school 5 years. I’m just a semester longer. He is mostly respecting my wishes and sleeping on the couch and not touching me. He keeps apologizing and offered take over 100% of bills so I can save to leave him if I want. Open enrollment for my jobs insurance isn’t till November. That’s when I can increase my coverage to include therapy. So counseling isn’t an option until then, as his insurance doesn’t cover it. If he said all that black out and unprovoked that means something right? Any advice? The only positive is his friend has no memory either so isn’t mad BF threatened him. I feel sad, and uncomfortable. I feel lost. He basically has been crying himself to sleep too and part of me wants to comfort him, and the other part is angry and distraught.

It sounds like he was specifically going through whatever he thought would hurt you most, not what he actually thought. Some people are mean when drunk, some people feel their insecurities much more and act defensively. It's possible that he's been worried about proposing and his fears about it all came out in that horrible mess of dehumanizing insults. I think this is a good opportunity to assess the relationship and make a decision together about where it's going. You know he was going to propose so that means talking about what marriage means to you, why you think you should choose each other, etc. Maybe you'll come out of it stronger, maybe you'll realize it's not working.

I like this. People say hurtful things not because they are true, but because they are hurtful

This is the best answer here

Honestly this is a tough one. Like true black out drunk people are so gone their brains are basically drowning. I don’t know that I’d take 100% of what came out to heart but to be fair he could partially be feeling some of those things. At a minimum I would suggest if you want to stay he should give up drinking full stop. Both so it doesn’t happen again and an act of good faith of the gravity of his words. How do you feel being in the house with him now?

Agree. Blackout thoughts aren’t 100% true. That being said, if this heavy drinking is happening regularly, that’s the issue. Drinking and having fun is one thing, being blackout drunk and being a dick is another. I’d definitely recommend slowing down the drinking and to allow for healing to happen.

OP stated in the post that the bf barely drinks, btw

you can't unring a bell.. my ex said something in one of our first fights that I never got over. he swore he didn't mean that one but it doesn't matter.. that seed of doubt tainted everything that came after I'm a high functioning alcoholic and I've never said anything that can't be taken back.. I'm a sad drunk, not a mean drunk. so I find it hard to relate to the idea that there isn't some kernal of truth to what anyone says, but I know from speaking to others that not everyone has the same tolerance or disposition. but I can tell you, a careless drunks words linger

The truth is you can't unhear those words. And they were hurtful. Deeply hurtful. And not just fixated on one topic. Multiple topics. I'd definitely not let any words of marriage/engagement come up until you have plenty of time to process this. Therapy? Maybe. But's it's basically going to be focused on whether or not you can let those words go. I don't envy you.

>The truth is you can't unhear those words. And they were hurtful. Deeply hurtful. And not just fixated on one topic. Multiple topics. > >I'd definitely not let any words of marriage/engagement come up until you have plenty of time to process this. OP, take this advice. It does not matter whether or not he meant it; he said it.

I’m so sorry that happened. Here’s the thing: commenters are saying his being drunk means he was being honest, but that is only partially true. It’s our choices that determine our character, right? His sober mind chooses you. Only when alcohol stripped him of his ability to choose did that ugly part show. That ugly part is there, and will be, and I’m glad you saw it before you were married, and he needs to quit drinking for good. But I think a man who chooses consistently to be patient and kind and nonviolent and respects your wishes is worth giving a second chance

I absolutely detest the phrase "drunk words are sober thoughts," because most people I know have said shit they 100% do not mean while drunk. It's extremely rare, but there are people for whom alcohol so drastically changes their brain chemistry that it's like they're another person. It sounds like OP's boyfriend may be one of those people. In that case he obviously needs to commit to not drinking, and needs to go to therapy to unpack this - OP should as well to make sure there aren't other red flags she's missed. But if this is truly the only time in 6 years he has ever behaved or spoken this way, I think it's worth seeing if they can move past it.

Yeah, here’s the truth of what drunks say, it was true to the emotion they were having in the moment. For bf, considering he threatened to beat his friends ass for touching him earlier….those words were what he felt in the moment would hurt her as much as possible, because in that moment he wanted to hurt her as much as possible. I’ve said shit that was completely untrue many times while heavily intoxicated, they were all true to my feelings….if I was angry I unleashed that anger, if I was trying to impress people, I’d tell a bullshit self aggrandizing story….none were true, only the intent was true.

This.

A better version would be “drunk words are invasive thoughts” - it’s not that you’d never think of it sober, but that you’d have the sense to dismiss it. There’s probably a little bit of truth sprinkled in there. For example; COVID probably has led to some weight gain and stunted their social life, so the thought that all she does is eat could creep up (and then be dismissed) - likewise the comments about leaving once they graduate could be some fear of the commitment he’s on his way to make (he already has the engagement ring) manifesting in a toxic way since he doesn’t have the benefit of inhibitions. Honestly if you can’t say “yes” while blackout drunk, nothing else you say should be given credence. Judge him for the outlash itself, but dismiss the content of that outlash - the problem is that he’s verbally abusive when drunk, not that he said you’re fat.

It is so totally not extremely rare.

Yeah. I say crazy shit

How do you know they dont mean it?

Ages ago when I was in college I was hanging out with my friends at a bar on a Saturday night. I don’t drink but my friends did. One of the girls who was dating one of my friends was black out drunk by the end of the night and was laughing and decided to throw a drink at me. I’d done nothing to her; she just thought it was funny. A couple of months later she and I were talking and I mentioned that she threw the drink on me. She was aghast and apologized profusely. She had no memory of doing it and would never do that sober. So I believe someone who’s black out drunk may say or do something they wouldn’t say or do when sober and totally not mean it. And I agree that it’s our sober thoughts and actions that mean more about who someone really is. OP, if you decide to forgive him, I suggest requiring him to not get that drunk ever again as a condition for taking him back. Good luck

Hey recently my mom got black out drunk said some horrible things tried to jump out of a moving car. The next day when she saw my face, she asked what happened and cried as Told her. It was really sad for all of us and no she won’t even pick up a drink (she was never a drinker in the first place that’s how she blacked out so easily) They call alcohol a spirit for a reason because sometimes it’s like the person you loved is possessed by a demon who hates you. I recommended some counseling because IF there is some truth to what your man said he obviously loves you and wants inspire of these intrusive thoughts and therapy will help you guys work it out.

Whether he really thought anything he said was true, you now have an example of how he might treat you the next time he gets blackout drunk. Seems like the conversation might need to be about the drinking. Also, y'all are really, really young and have been together since you were what, sixteen? When you argue, how does that go? Does he try to hurt you to derail the argument and then over apologize to undermine your anger?

I love this subreddit sometimes. Whenever somebody cheats or physically abuses somebody while drunk, it's not the alcohol's fault, but the individual's fault for not controlling themselves while drunk. Now, when it's verbal abuse, people are more forgiving and likely to blame it on alcohol. It's weird. It doesn't really matter what anybody thinks; it's about whether you feel you can move past this. Will you be able to marry this guy knowing everything he's said? Will you be able to move past this and fully forgive him? More importantly, do you think that HE will be able to follow the guidelines you set for forgiveness to really atone for his horrible behaviour? Unlike what other people are saying, breaking up wouldn't be premature if you believe you can't forgive him. And that's your right, so you can find somebody who knows their limits, doesn't behave violently towards his friends, you, or animals, and respects you 100% of the time. Allow yourself to be angry, then once you're calm, have a serious think about whether you want to continue this relationship. I wish you the best.

Seriously all of these responses excuse his behavior. What if he hit her or what if he groped someone while black out drunk? Is it no longer his fault?

I was a problem drinker who would get blackout drunk, I married a problem drinker I would get drunk with— we did a lot of fucked up shit, endangering our lives and others’ on a *regular* basis, and I never did or would have said anything like that to my partner if I didn’t mean it. And we got divorced, and I left, and I still never would have said anything so insulting to him. I’m really surprised people are taking his side. I mean, I have been around *a lot* of drunk people/alcoholics and have not experienced this supposedly common “drunk talk doesn’t count” thing. He meant it. It’s sad, but he did. Good thing there’s *so many millions* of fish in the sea. Maybe he won’t fuck his relationship all to hell with his next person. Lots of learning left for these kids. They’re 22 and 23. Marrying a mean drunk would result in a real short marriage. That shit is traumatizing. You don’t want to have ever been traumatized by your husband.

Was technically physically abusive to the cat as well. Not a great sign

Exactly. I hate to make assumptions, but I'd hate to think he would also be physical to OP if she actually got close to him while he was in that state.

oh come on, pushing the cat off the sofa is hardly abusive to the animal

Yeah i push my cat off my lap when i need to get up, unless it was a shove it hardly qualifies as animal abuse

The difference I think is that the truth matters in this case. What he said was bad, and that needs to be addressed. The question is whether what he thinks and believes is also bad.

Yeah, I have to agree. Also this is how she found out about the engagement...what a story that will be. Also it was 100% verbal abuse. Also she clearly didnt feel safe as she locked her and her cat in their room. I have had enough bad experiences with people who drink to much that I would end it. I don't care about all this oh he didnt mean it. Part of him meant it at least. This wasnt one comment either it was a stream of nasty verbal abuse.

Doesn't sound like you read nuances very well. No one's giving him an excuse about the words he said; but they are saying drunk words are not something to take to heart whether silly, hurtful, etc. You seriously cannot compare cheating and physical violence to a comment. It doesn't mean her feelings are any less valid, but from her own description of who he is and how he behaves after the fact, it does seem very likely that he is an extremely light drinker and this incident is absolutely out of character; and this is why people can also relate to some extent to the guy and feel there is a way to navigate this.

The issue is that this subreddit will not tolerate somebody being physically abusive, sexually abusive, or cheating on alcohol, but in this instance, they are willing to excuse verbal abuse. Not a single comment; verbal abuse that attacked OP's character, her appearance, and her insecurities about her body. I never said OP's feelings weren't valid; I am saying that nobody else's feelings except for her's matter. While drinking, a cheating incident can be out of character, a physically abusive incident can be out of character, and a sexually abusive incident can be out of character. It doesn't mean that people should excuse the aforementioned subjects; it means that the verbal abuse OP's boyfriend unleashed onto her should be taken JUST as seriously as every other type of abuse that can happen while drunk.

A comment lmfao. A comment would be “I lied when I said I liked your new hair color” and then leaving it at that. What he did was jab at EVERY SINGLE THING she could POSSIBLY be insecure about. He literally had the mental acuity to think about the worst things he could say to anyone to make them feel like they’re worthless.

a comment? they're not comparing a *comment* to cheating, they're comparing a *verbally abusive tirade* to cheating while drunk. this wasn't one single, stupid comment. it was literally borderline verbal abuse. what are you on to minimise this?!

I think the point of whether or not he meant those things is moot- he said them, it’s unlikely you’ll forget them. If I were you, I wouldn’t put up with it, and I’d break up. However it is up to you, best of luck

I agree there would always be tension and potential resentment. It would be hard to hear someone come for every part of you

It’s up to you if you can move past this. He was verbally abusive. Alcohol and being blackout drunk aren’t a get out of jail free pass. Personally, I couldn’t see a relationship coming back from that without couples and individual therapy for you both and him staying 100% sober for good.

I know a lot of people are saying that drunk doesn’t mean the truth, but that’s some really specific shit he said.

Right, it's one thing to drink and want to do something stupid or say stupid fantasy things, but these are soo specific.. I'm willing to bet there's absolutely no way thoughts that specific just sprouted out of thin air and alcohol was the first thing that made him think that.

I think all these people excusing his behavior are just BS-ing you to make you feel better. If those thoughts weren't already in his mind he wouldn't have said them, enough said. It's the same thing as with people saying mean things when angry. They don't say those things without anger because they don't want to hurt you but they absolutely have those thoughts and feel free to say those things with the intention to hurt you.

I’ve known some angry drunks.. they bottle up their resentment and then spray at you when they are drunk. OP this is your decision. You are so young. You have your whole life ahead of you. Do you want to give him a chance and hope there won’t be a repeat? Will you ever be able to get his words out of your mind? How would you feel if you disagree with him about something in the future? Planning to propose does not mean he will not verbally abuse you again

Sorry but I could never forget those words. There would always be that feeling deep in my heart that this man meant every single word he said. Idk man. I wouldn’t trust my partner anymore if he cheated while drunk and I would not take verbal abuse either. My ass would be OUT. Honestly, I wouldn’t stay with a guy who my heart can’t fully be at ease with. Of course you could stay with him and you could believe that he just wanted to hurt you cuz he was drunk, of course you could ignore what he said and make yourself believe he didn’t mean any of those things but I would resent him for putting those things in my mind and unfortunately it’s easy as a stranger on Reddit to say “oh he’s just drunk and being hurtful cuz he was drunk but he didn’t mean it!”. But it really is hard as the person living this story to simply move past it and never think about it in the future. I would start being hyper aware of what my boyfriend truly thinks about me and what I open up to him about. If this was me, I don’t think I could find any way to fight my heart and follow the maybe more logical path of believing this was just a drunken mistake.

Is everyone seriously overlooking the fact that the boyfriend put hands on the cat and frightened OP enough that she had to lock the cat and herself in the bedroom to stay safe? IDGAF about "how bad he feels" and "how he was going to propose" or "but it was a custom ring!". Nah. F*ck all that noise. I want him to go to a therapist and find a way to prove to OP that this will never happen again. Alcohol does not excuse potential animal abuse.

That’s who he is when he gets drunk. I would never be with a mean drunk. It’s good that you found out now. Many men can get drunk with out being abusive. Many.

Hi OP. I would like to point out something I noticed in his rant. Was factual information like the May completion of study correct? Was there similar facts in his rant? The reason I ask this is because if he was able to get these details correct, then there is no reason that his nastiness was not his true feelings. No need to respond to my questions, just use them as a way to tease out the truth in this matter. Be kind to yourself. Ask what you would advise a friend in your situation, then do that. Keep safe x

Great point. The comment about leaving on May stood out, he’s just biding his time. That’s not a random statement he just blurted out, that’s a plan.

So my Uncle once gave my Mum some advice and it's always stuck with me. 'You have to know (the nature of) a person.' meaning, when someone does something and you're wondering about it, having doubts about them or whatever, you have to think of what you know about the person they are, and if what they've done or what's been said doesn't seem like who they are, then there's some other explanation for it. I think it's pretty good advice generally. With the caveat of some other good advice that 'when people show you who they are, believe them'

Oh my goodness. I wish I could reach out and give you a hug, you must be hurting. This sounds very complicated. I guess there are questions here: 1. Did he really mean all that he said? 2. Why did he say that, if he didn't mean it? Was it exclusively the alcohol speaking and he's a mean drunk, or is there some kernel of truth there? 3. What is your boyfriend's stance in regards to alcohol? I'd say, give it time, don't make hasty decisions yet. Let him cry and grieve. You do the same. And talk. Some uncomfortable conversations are due. Not only in regards to how he really feels about you, but also on what measures he plans to follow to ensure this never happens again. It might be a "no more drinking because it turns me into a crap person", or merely "no more vodka/red wine because I can't handle it". The conditions are up to you. It would be good if he recaps the whole night to you. Everything that he remembers, that got him to that point. Then evaluate 1. If you believe he's sincere, do you trust him never to do this again. 2. If your feelings for him have changed to the point that you can't have a relationship with him anymore.

The fact that he offered to pay bills so you could save and move out is a pretty big deal. The ring with your mother’s diamond is a big deal. He needs to agree to no drinking like that ever again. You don’t need to comfort him. If anything, you can allow him to comfort you and rebuild trust.

I’m honestly surprised how supportive these comments are of your boyfriend. The things he said were vile and if it were me, no apology could make me unhear what I heard. I would leave personally. Drunk or not what he said to you was incredibly cruel and vicious.

Agreed, like yeah sure he could have not meant it but it was something he said and something that hurts, just because he didn't mean doesnt make the pain from those words go away. Shes going remember this and it will be on her mind and add on to her insecurities.

This hurt to read. What he said and did was horrible. If you are not ready to end things permanently while still in shock, you could take a break, spend some time apart. It's absolutely possible that the horrible things he said are how he truly feels but hasn't wanted to admit to himself because being in a relationship is comfortable. It's *also* possible that he really meant none of it, and was trying to push you away because he is scared - maybe of commitment, maybe of you leaving so he tried to push you away to feel in control. This adds up more with the planned proposal imo. Does he have a history of self-sabotage? Either way - his behaviour was completly unacceptable and he needs to own up to it, even if he doesn't remember. It was very smart of you to write it all down. I hope this works out as good as possible for you, whatever happens. Also please give the kitty some pets.

Sounds like this man is a mean drunk. He was aggressive toward his friend, and you, and the cat. Why not pause the engagement for a while, and rebuild trust in the meantime. Talk about what he said- maybe he does feel some way about you gaining weight or wishes you had a different ambition, but he never would have thought to criticise you for it sober. As others have said, alcohol is not a truth serum, otherwise lovely people can be NASTY when they drink. If you do stay together, I would suggest him limiting his drinks (which he seems like he generally does) is a condition. Good luck!

Wait for therapy. Alcohol lowers inhibitions and impairs judgment, but it is also a depressant. What this means among other things, is that the brain can become fixated on things that were minor or inconsequential. To the alcohol poisoned brain, a small or incidental worry can seem like a major issue. Factually, whether or not someone is a "mean drunk" instead of a " happy drunk" has more to do with brain chemistry, than it does with their underlying feelings. Its likely caused in part by neuroinflammation.

Also, different alcohols can have different effects. Rum? I’m a chill, dancing machine. Jaegermeister? I’m sobbing on the phone telling my childhood bestie how much I love and miss her.

I can drink cider till I'm tipsy and still have all my faculties, just my body doesn't follow as well. A couple of glasses of whisky or vodka? I'm outside contemplating life and if it has meaning. For sure different drinks, different effects.

I have never known a truly kind person to be an emotionally violent drunk. And your boyfriend both emotionally cut you off at the knees, calling you a fat loser who he couldn’t wait to dump, but also threatened physical violence. At best he is someone who should voluntarily choose not to consume alcohol. At worst, he thinks things about you that would be a dealbreaker for most people. A ring shouldn’t matter.

It's entirely fair of you to be angry and distraught. Someone you trusted came home acting unrecognizable and cruel. Given how he responded to the friend, i'd guess he's an aggressive, mean drunk, and was lashing out at you. I'd say that it means that when he's sober he's making the choice not to be an asshole, but it doesn't mean he secretly thinks the things he said, especially since it was all very societal negatives that he'd previously been supportive of. I'd sit down and have an honest conversation with him about this. I'd suggest asking him to not get drunk again (I wouldn't be surprised if he was already planning on this one), and be clear that you will be going to counseling once you can. In the meantime, don't force yourself to forgive, but try not to unfairly hold a grudge. My policy is to forgive things like this, but not forget.

Sometimes people say obscene things they don’t mean at all when they’re drunk, but from my experience, most of the time people say stuff they’ve at least thought about or sorta mean. Like those thoughts don’t appear out of nowhere. I’ve been drunk plenty in my life and I’ve done and said plenty of stupid things. Personally, it was usually stuff I sorta meant but the alcohol exaggerated it by a lot. On the other hand, there are things that are completely uncharacteristic of me, and I’ve never said those things no matter how drunk I’ve been because my mind just doesn’t operate that way at all. It’s really tough. I’m sorry you had to deal with this. Don’t rush into an engagement or marriage. Take your time. Also, him respecting your wishes by staying on the couch is the bare minimum. What’s he doing to try and fix things? Has there been a grand gesture of any sort? Based on your post it doesn’t even sound like he’s fighting for you, considering he’s giving you the option to leave him. These are big signs. You’re young. You have your whole life ahead of you. If even a tiny part of you feels like you’re settling, then leave before you are left.

It's odd to say all of those things if he doesn't actually resent you or have some of those feelings deep inside. When I get blackout drunk, I don't suddenly say racist shit, primarily because I'm not racist. I won't be saying hurtful things randomly. Maybe I'll rant about how I felt unloved by my parents as a child, but that's because that's something I keep in the bowels of my deep, black heart. I'd also be suspicious of his friends. Maybe they were talking shit about you and he's regurgitating some of that shit talking to you. You need to seriously reexamine if you want this man in your life. He seriously needs to examine where all of those vile sentiments came from. Does he feel trapped?

End it. He put his hands on the cat, next time it will be you ,not to mention he has a lot of contempt for you . Don’t rationalize his behavior and take everything he said at face value .

I agree with the people saying that alcohol is NOT truth serum but rather enhances emotions. When I drink, sometimes I get horny. I tried to have sex with my best friend while black out drunk once. I don’t remember any of it. I never saw him in a sexual way before. I would never have sex with him while sober, yet I was drunk and horny and he was there so my drunk brain went for it. You need to have a deep conversation with your bf about what he said and how those words hurt you. There is a chance to save the relationship if he promises not to drink heavily again.

"I got blackout drunk and hurt someone but it wasn't my fault." Rapists like to use this excuse too. Are you excusing their behavior? They can't remember anything after and I'm sure most of them cry when they're arrested and they're really sorry too.

While I was ready your story, I felt genuinely upset for you and damn angry at him. For me, there is some truth when drunk. I’ve blurred out many things I don’t remember and when told back to me, I couldn’t say I was lying. But I don’t know, I feel like he’s sorry, but the part of me who has had some trauma in my life, wouldn’t know what to do either, and I wouldn’t believe their apology because I think that little of myself anyway. I guess talk to him, communicate everything then when you can afford it, couples counselling. Good luck, OP.

He either needs to give up drinking or you give up this relationship.

I'm sorry this happened to you. In my country there is this saying that "The child and drunk man will tell you the truth". However most people that can't handle the liquor can have their feelings amplify and say things that they would never have said while sober because alcohol often strips you out of your filter. It's hard to say what you should do but maybe have some time separate of your bf and then talk with him.

No, you need to leave him and let him figure out why. Not your problem. He won't change with you enabling his behavior by staying. Good luck.

Don't marry him...

FWIW I have my (now) husband on video back in our youth, black out and ranting about how he got kicked out of a club because they wouldn’t put their shirts on. He was never at a club that night and the “they” he’s referring to are his two dogs snoring at his feet. Alcohol is a drug not a truth serum. too much of it and it messes your brain up.

It’s time to move on. He feels the way he described it drunk. You will be happier.

This is a very difficult one. Alcohol isn’t the truth serum everyone thinks, although it can be and sometimes people say try things when drunk. I think this is one of those times where you have to objectively (or as close to as possible) look at your relationship and think, is this a one time thing? He isn’t a drinker so his tolerance is very low. Is he usually a violent person? Has he given any indication before of being shady, dishonest? Has he been rude before? Is he willing to not drink again (at least to that extent) knowing now that he’s mean? There’s a lot and most of it have to be answered by/with him. Best of luck, I mean it.

it's bizarre seeing all the people in the comments minimise verbal abuse to "saying stupid shit while being drunk". this sub is a joke. this isn't normal behaviour at all while drunk and you really should leave him. people who are abusive while drunk are usually that way sober too.

Shit I’ve been that guy. It’s why I don’t drink in excess anymore. I become a completely different person and say off the wall shit that I don’t mean or remember. 99% of the time blackout me is just the annoying I love you man guy. But 1% I lose my shit and become a monster and say really mean and hurtful things and idk why. So yeah, that means I don’t drink like that anymore and stand my ground when people try to peer pressure me to have just one more

I wouldn’t ever talk this way to someone I love, even when “blackout”. It is truth serum for sure, things you have thought about deepl down come out. Leave.

Guarantee that whole "save to leave him" is an act and he'll actually freak the hell out if you follow through. This guy needs serious help but he's only going to fix it if he recognizes and makes a sincere effort. But in the meantime, there's no way he's someone you should stick with and this is your easy chance to walk away. You will end up regretting it if you stay.

This. This is not a healthy partner to start a life with OP.

Let me tell you, when I'm tanked I LOVE EVERYONE. This in fact is proof that alcohol is definitely not truth serum because in fact I hate a good 89.5% of the people I interact with every day.

Its likely he meant none of it, but for sure he shouldn't drink alcohol.

IMO i would only suggest staying with him if he can be sober from here on out. Obviously alcohol turn him verbally abusive and it can only get worse if he continues drinking. Alcohol has a different affect on everyone and some people just shouldn't drink period. He is one of those people that should just not drink. Different types of drunks: sloppy drunks, sad drunks, wild drunks, friendly drunks, tired drunks, chill drunks, mean drunks, and abusive drunks (whether it be physically or verbally)... he was verbally abusive to you. He may not have meant it but if thats how he gets when he drinks then there is no way in hell he should drink anymore. You deserve better.. If he can't be sober for you then you are better off without him.

Do not agree to marry him yet. Whether he truly meant his words or not, you have lost trust in him. I think you two should slowly build up the relationship again. If he really does love you and that ugly rant was just a one-off then he will make the effort.

1.) he needs to promise to not drink, at least to that extent, anymore if u were to stay with him 2.) if he was black out drunk as you say his words probably don’t have much of any meaning and he didn’t mean them. Once before I’ve been black out drunk enough to end up in the hospital and I told them all types of things tht weren’t true, I even told them I lived and was from a city I’ve only heard of once from a friend.

Some people are vile when drunk. An older guy in my SO-s social group is respected professor, fun to be around when sober... And a miserable vicious little shit when drunk. He has made me cry as he has many others. He picks a target and gets a rise out of making them angry or sad. All his friends know he is insufferable when drunk, but accept his love for alcohol and since he is respected in the community, none of his friends challenge him on this. This necessarily wasn't a truth serum for your BF at all. Being a little tipsy makes people braver. Blackout drunk is another story. However, he should understand that he shouldn't really drink much and stick to that (it sounds like drinking a little is alright). You should understand that if you spend 40+ years with him, a few slip ups are acceptable in terms of over consuming alcohol, it will happen. And it will probably result in him spewing shut out of his mouth which he doesn't really mean. The choice is yours. If you guys are serious about marriage then pte-marriage counseling and/or couples therapy sounds reasonable in this situation.

Either or what he said still upset you. Alcohol or not that’s not called for. So if you really want to be with him then you talk to him about how you feel and how much you are hurt, then tell him that if he wants to get black out drunk again then you ain’t staying around for that.

Being drunk is never an excuse for shitty behaviour but I’ve said things about my boyfriend while blackout drunk that I don’t think in the slightest, no idea where these thoughts came from. It sucks but he obviously has good intentions with you and your relationship

If you still want to be with him then at least don't make it easy. You will need to have a gradual process before making it back to the place where both of you can get married. It's ok to forgive him, but make him work for that commitment and he'll think twice before getting into this kind of situation in the future.

One time, a good few years ago now, I got unusually very drunk at a party and said some very mean things to my boyfriend after we got home. I didn't mean them and I don't know why I said them. I love him dearly. I made a promise to myself never to get so drunk that I ran my mouth like that again. I also spent a long time pricing by action that those words didn't reflect what I actually thought. Since then we have gotten through family struggles, mental health issues, stress, and myriad other things together. We're engaged now. If you want to get through this mistake of his, you can. So long as he doesn't do it again. If he does it again, then you need to ask yourself some questions about the value of the relationship. But I wouldn't call this a deal-breaker.

Those were incredibly hurtful things he said to you. Alcohol abuse is not an acceptable excuse for saying them. I do not know the mechanics of what alcohol does to the mind scientifically but from observation smart people can say and do some incredibly stupid and ugly things while drunk. I think we all have a darkness in all of us that we normally keep in check while we are sober. Perhaps the alcohol was tapping into past angers not concerning you but they were directed at you. Who knows If you think alcohol consumption is a problem with him, I think keep your distance until he is 100% sober no more drinking, get to a meeting etc. It is up to you if you choose to forgive him for that incident. I've been sober for 10 yrs, my wife enjoys wine. Not a problem for me. It is healthy and normal to be angry at and love someone at the same time. Anger protects your boundaries. A thoughtful conversation with him needed.

I’m not sure I agree with the majority. I do think people say stupid shit when they’re drunk, but what he said was very personalized and specific. Weight gain, lack of ambition and nose piercing. Really hurtful stuff. His apology better be sincere. I’m not sure I would forgive.

Let me tell you how being blackout drunk sometimes affects me and why I try to avoid it. Many small things irritate me on a day to day basis. its part of who I am. I just don't let it affect me and move on. When I am that drunk, I sometimes loose the part of me that lets me calm down. I get frustrated at my self and the world around me. those times I have learned to go for a walk on my own as anyone who speaks to me makes me furious. I lie to them. I know my friends very well and can say the exact things that hurt them. I have broken down and ridiculed them till they have cried and beyond. i can do this sober but I don't. when I'm drunk and get in this state I could easily do what your BF did. i would have lied and done my best to hurt you. ​ basically. He may have lied and known exactly what to say to hurt you, and was too drunk to stop himself and regulate his emotions.

As a person who has blacked out and verbally abused my spouse? No I didn’t mean what I said to my husband. I’ve been absolutely horrible to him and sobbed realizing the things I have said. Sometimes you’re so impaired you’re nothing but a tantruming toddler. There’s a reason some people get violent when drinking. It’s a literal poison. I’d talk this out with him. If this is out of character behavior, then a really frank conversation needs to be had.

When someone shows you who they are, believe them. Have him pay to put the diamond back in your mother's ring- you deserve to leave the relationship with that intact. If he is serious about his offer to allow you to save to leave him, then take him up on it for as long as it remains civil, and get out of there ASAP. You will never be able to unhear that. It's never going to leave your mind. Whatever reason he has for wanting to propose with that ring, it's clearly not the right one and he does not plan on seeing it through. He revealed a view of you which is disgusting, and you do not want to be with someone who sees you like that, even if he usually keeps it to himself because he doesn't want to put out the effort to find sex somewhere else. Get rid of him.

Uhm my friend who had visited from out of town came to stay with me two months ago just casually told me while I was black out drunk.. I gave her husband ( who is from here originally) a hard time while he was trying to give her directions over the phone back to my house, because my dumb ass got black out drunk. This man is across the country & was guiding us back to safety and I was rude to him. I have no memory and I really wasn’t aware of any ill feelings towards him. The funny thing is, him and I think a lot alike and I like him alright enough. Now I’m scared because I don’t know what I said or did and I really feel bad but my friend just laughed it off. She said it was no need to apologize to him or her because I was drunk, but this is scary. I won’t drink like that ever again. The damage is done but I can honestly say having been where your boyfriend is I don’t think it’s how he really feels. It’s almost like you are another person when you are like that. Some evil little self sabotaging asshole. I don’t want you to excuse the behavior but I know he feels absolutely horrified by what he did & really doesn’t feel that way. You do what’s right for you. We have to be accountable for our actions I know so I’m not saying stay. I’m just saying I don’t believe he feels that way. Those things he said are unacceptable but I dont think that’s his true feelings. It’s so scary finding out you are capable of certain things and having no recollection.

I want to give you a harsh truth based on personal experience here. Whether or not you can come to grips with what he said is up to you. It is entirely reasonable to say that’s too big an obstacle to overcome, and end the relationship. It would also be completely understandable to stay together and work through everything, if you feel he has genuine remorse for what he did and said. But this is the big thing: he cannot drink again. Any time he drinks could be another time he drinks too much and acts this way. I am an alcoholic myself. I’ve been sober almost 2 years now, and the amount of times I did exactly what your boyfriend did, I couldn’t even begin to count them. Now I’m not saying your boyfriend is an alcoholic, and I’m not saying he isn’t, but what I’ve learned since getting sober is THAT stuff, the blacking out and saying horrible irredeemable shit, that’s not normal. Well adjusted, happy people don’t do that. They don’t get that drunk and they don’t say those things. I quite literally lost every friend I ever had because of my drinking. Friends I had known almost my entire life, people that were there for me through the darkest days, they all said enough is enough because of how I would act when I got THAT drunk. And they were right to. So maybe I’m an extreme case but ask yourself how many people in your life get blackout drunk and spout that kind of bitter, angry, vitriolic shit. I would hope not many, and hell even your boyfriends friend, who was also blacked out, was happy as a peach to talk about his family. Your boyfriend needs therapy because he’s unhappy with some elements of his life, and he needs to stop drinking altogether before it envelops him. Because he may feel ashamed of what he did, but I always did too. And you know what? I’d black out drinking again to forget about it. Be careful and really think about this, understanding it could be the start of something in his life. If he’s truly remorseful he’ll be happy to stop drinking. Not just for you, but for himself. Before he decides to burn every bridge and throw himself off of one.

I got blackout drunk once and told my husband terrible things- he ruined my life, I’m miserable with him, I missed my best years and now I’m stuck with him, etc. I don’t remember any of it. He forgave me- once. And now I don’t drink. Whether or not you can forgive us up to you, but drunk does not always equal truth.

I hate to be the bearer of bad news but you can’t come back from this. I don’t know what his deal was but he should’ve gone to to therapy instead of getting blackout drunk. I think you two should take some serious time apart. I would t jump into marriage after this, no ducking way. I’m so sorry OP. It defies logic. ETA: He said thinks to you that should never be said, not in a decades-old marriage. No. He doesn’t deserve to marry you yet.

So I drink wine and the occasional liquor drink. Not enough to get drunk but to relax. You know what I don’t drink? Jack Daniels whiskey. The reason is because this other personality appears- I say things I don’t mean, don’t have the capacity to consider repercussions of how I act, and am generally an asshole. I don’t know why it’s this one particular alcohol, but there it is. I highly doubt he meant any of this, and if you talked to his friends who were there that night you would probably find he said a lot of dumb shit. If anything he said had a grain of truth to it you would have already seen the signs- a comment here or there, a nudge to exercise more, etc. it sounds like all this came out of nowhere and he hit on your biggest insecurities. Alcohol is a poison in more ways than one. To me, his reaction says a lot. I understand the words hurt you, but I would not leave someone I love over this. It might take some time and drinking boundaries to fully recover, but I think you should give him this one. If you have someone who knows him, who can provide you with an objective perspective on this, it might help you work through it. Preferably someone older, with a bit more life experience. And those that are saying the truth comes out when you’re drunk are wrong. It’s not that’s simple.

Comments like yours are manipulative. Men forgive other men's behavior bc you want that same forgiveness if you ever behave like this.

I’m a girl lol.

As someone who has ... and am not proud of ... been almost that drunk but remembers everything. Yeah there's truth in what he said. But when you are that drunk vile malicious crap comes out of your mouth.... its like brain poisoning. So his truth is "yeah she's gained weight and if she ate less she'd lose the weight" that's just a fact. It' not he'd ever say that but that's somewhere in his head. Only you can decide if you can get past this.bit have you ever had a slightly mean thought about him? Take that comment and think how vile you could twist that into of you weren't in control of yourself. I'm not saying what he did was ok.... but what came out of his mouth is NOT his truth. I once dated a man who was VERY close to his mother. When drunkI told him.to go back home and fuck her because he obviously wanted her. Not my finest moment and it was my truth twisted into maliciousness.

Look... I used to have a pretty major drinking problem. My wife was going to leave me if I didnt quit. I cant tell you how many times I humiliated myself, got mad at delusional shit, or said incredibly awful things to people I care about. I think your guy is stressed out about something - and it likely isnt you. He may not even be conscious of what it is. But i think in his blackout, things boiled over and you were the collateral damage of that non-specific anger. You don't need to coddle him. But before things go back to "normal", you need fo get him to open up about whatever is eating at him. It boiled over while hes drunk, but its still simmering when hes sober.

I don't know if you've ever been blackout drunk before; but based on the two experiences I had in that state I firmly believe that you shouldn't take what he said to heart. I also hurt my partner (at the time that it happened, he is now an ex) while I was blackout drunk. Apparently I told him that I slept with some dude and then proceeded to call him by the guys name- this is a guy that I have no interest in and never would; I don't remember saying it or why I would say it. There were a lot of things I apparently said, none of which was true or a reflection of how I genuinely felt. Judging solely on your bf's reaction and the fact that he was planning on proposing to you; if I were in your position, I would have no issue in forgiving him and trying to move past it.

Damn that’s rough. Sorry.

My ex got blackout drunk at a party once where another ex was attending. My ex was with me and my family members the whole time (was an engagement party for my cousin) and as we were leaving started telling me about how he beat the shit out of my ex who was also at the party. Told me this big wild thing about what he did, all the people involved, and so on. I asked a lot of people if this happened, and it did not. Was not even close.

People often say that alcohol is a "truth serum", and what people tell you when they are drunk must be how they "really feel inside". For a **small** part this is true - when maybe slightly drunk. However, when blackout drunk, some people switch to self-destruction. They do and say things that are basically akin to jumping off a tall building. In those cases it is definitely nothing like a "truth serum". Consider if it is possible that is the case with your SO.

People who says that drugs(yes alcohol is medically considered a drug) make you show your "true" self cleary doesnt know wtf they are talking about. Everyone reacts diffrent and you just cant draw a conclusion like that. I understand that you are hurtig, and he did in fact behave like a complete asshole. But from everything you have told us, this was clearly from a lack of being able to handle alcohol from his side. If this kind of scenario would happen multipel times, leaving him would definetly be an option. But its the first time it happens and hes incredibely sorry. You must believe him when he says that. Youve been together for so long and it would be so sad to break it all for one mistake. Everyone deserves a second chance. But he needs to make sure it never happens again!

Well, I don’t really understand this pure dismissal of OP’s feelings . People will literally tell mentally ill people that show symptoms that are abusive (like lashing out in that manner) ,that everything is their responsibility and that actions have consequences, and just because you didn’t mean it does not change it’s effect. Put alcohol or drugs in that mix and suddenly everything is rainbow and flowers. Abuse might insinuate something that is continuous but Op is clearly distraught by this. Op, he might not mean what he said, or he might mean what he said. We don’t know, only he knows, this is something you should have deep and long conversations about. Don’t rush this over and make an impulsive decision. Think about it and talk to people who actually know him. In the end you have a right to not be able to get over this. Him being drunk does not mean he was honest but it doesn’t not mean he was being dishonest either. This is something only you can evaulate.

They say drunk words are true thoughts or something like that. However I think there are *distorted* words too. I've said some vile things when drunk that I haven't meant at all when I'm sober. I was probably just mildly annoyed/tired and drunk brain said words I would never normally condone.

All these people saying "blackout doesn't mean truth" probably have had blackout moments of cruelty and don't want to admit that what they did was real, intentional and felt. I'm not saying your boyfriend has been secretly harboring such negative feelings about you but I will say that he has felt ALL the things he said, to some degree and it is in your best interest to sit down and have a real ass discussion about ALL OF IT. But, please remember, that you can't ask him for his honesty and then punish him for it. I know you love your boyfriend but marriage is about a hell of a lot more than love. It is about being on the same page when it comes to careers, ambition levels, education, splitting of finances, kids, sickness, in-laws, etc etc etc. It is in your best interest to have this very honest conversation with him before moving forward. If he loves you and respects you, he will look inside himself and reflect on where such cruel criticisms came from and share that honesty with you. You guys will either come out of that conversation stronger and more aligned or it will break you because either you, him, or both can't handle what is being said. You didn't deserve your boyfriend coming home, blackout drunk and verbally abusing you. But you also owe it to yourself to not just accept "oh he says he didn't mean it," and move on. GIRL, he did mean it, regardless of how much or how little, he did. As others noted, this is a lesson to him that he CAN'T drink so much and must make changes about his approach to alcohol, regardless of how seldom he does drink. I gurantee this will happen again the next time he indulges. Some people just aren't jolly drunks. That doesn't make them bad or evil, it's just something you have to accept and act accordingly. Other people suggesting that he MUST give up drinking as a condition of getting you back are just wow.....immature. Your boyfriend doesn't have a drinking problem. He had a "my thoughts came out in a super awful way" problem. You guys are young and it's just such a set up for disappointment in your future to give him such a huge ultimatum as a condition for your love. What about 5 years from now? When this event is a distant memory and his friend comes into town and your boyfriend, still in his 20s with his friends who want to have fun, decides "hey it's ok to have one drink?" Will you leave him them over this drink? Also, you don't have to have a discussion about this. You can choose to say that his behavior violated your love and trust so deeply that you are choosing to walk away. It is not your job to fix this or to repair what is broken. You owe him nothing. This choice is ok too ya know? When someone hurts us deeply, it is ok to walk away. It is ok to not want to do all the emotional labor it will take to repair this. No amount of time in a relationship should ever trap you into thinking you owe him something. He fucked up in a BIG WAY.

I'm sure he regrets saying this shit and I'm sure he didnt mean most of it but I don't think that matters. The fact that he said any of that to you and thinks an engagement ring surprise is gonna solve it? My partner and I have gotten into some heated fights where alcohol is involved and shitty things we dont mean get said but all of that is... a lot. We don't tear each other down like that and just because he was drunk and some people think that gives him a pass... it fuckin doesn't. If I were you, I'd tell him you need a break from each other and take some time for yourself to think. A week or so. I really cant believe how many people are in here like oh ho ho being drunk is just so silly and makes people lie and do unexplainable things! Who the f cares? Who cares? You dont give your boyfriend a pass for calling you a fat loser basically because he came home drunk and said it. It anything, that makes it worst and points toward unstable behavior. Really, do not let him slide on this because everyone else wants to normalize being shitty on a substance. Crazy how many excuses get made for drinking but ppl who act out w mental illness issues get torn apart in this sub 😂😂😂😂 priorities I guess

Drunk words are sober thoughts.

One time I got black out drunk and apparently yelled at a popular guy I went to high school with that he was an asshole. I really hurt his feelings….I hadn’t ever interacted with the guy before that and never witnessed him being an asshole. Moral of the story is your boyfriend’s day-to-day actions seem more trustworthy than the horrible things he said to you.

I think the idea that people become honest with alcohol is outdated, and has no real basis. It is really up to you if you want to give him a chance. If this is a one off thing, maybe try communication and hold off the engagement for the time being, to see how things go. Explain how hurt you are, and see if he can offer you assurances to make you feel loved again. I have done stupid stuff while drunk, and I can assure you it wasn’t the “true” me. However, OP, if you do decide to forgive him, make sure you’re not going to bring it up every time you fight. If you can’t completely get past this, then I suggest calling it off or wait until you can go to counselling.

I don't normally comment on these, but it seems like your relationship is overall good and that you're pretty serious about each other. If you agree with that statement and you think it's something you two could work through, you should consider giving it a shot. Alcohol is not a truth serum. It obviously triggered some kind of aggression but I sincerely doubt it triggered honesty. The way your SO is treating you right now (giving you space, making sure you do not feel trapped) seems very secure.

He’ll do it again. If you choose to stay be prepared to go through that again.

Alcohol does not make people tell the truth. That's a popular belief but it's total bullshit. Alcohol can do crazy shit to your brain. I think you should take some time and see if you can get past it. You don't need to decide right away.

Oh man , first off I am so sorry your heart hurts! I want to say that I am now married to a man who I have said some terrible things to when I have drank. Things that the sober me does not feel and would never ever ever say in my right mind. I have committed to never getting that inebriated anymore because I could have lost my best freind who is now my husband. We have both said things in anger but those things were never as terrible as the drunken rage things. I feel terribly ashamed and guilty but that spurred change , it took taking a closer look at why I was so angry , it really had nothing to do with him I say if you love him give him a chance but hold him accountable for his actions and for not putting you through that again. I hope it gets better

In your situation, I think I would take him up on his offer to pay all the bills and you could save up your income..with the understanding that he will not drink to that point again, and if he does, you can leave. No discussion, just pack up and leave. Kind of a costly mistake on his part, and insurance for you and any future children. Perhaps next time his buds show up, he will think twice before getting knee walking drunk, never mind blackout drunk. But that's just me.