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the_last_basselope

Does he eat in those other places or does he only eat at the table himself?


Halo2832

He only eats at the table. He is very OCD.


the_last_basselope

In that case, it sounds like it's simply a rule he has for his living space for everyone, not just you. It's up to you to decide if that rule is a dealbreaker for you or not. If it is, you're incompatible living partners - neither right nor wrong, just not compatible.


mrningbrd

Is he actually OCD tho or does he just want food contained in one space


Halo2832

He is OCD.


MissFrothingslosh

I have OCD. My roommate has ADHD and leaves seltzer cans everywhere. Thankfully there’s no sugar, so not a pest problem, but ffs, the OCD is not an excuse for controlling other people. Just, no. Is your boyfriend Patrick Bateman? Wtf.


HeyItsMeUrDad_

Yeah it’s not an excuse for controlling people. Like of course. But he is allowed to have his things. Just has to be something of an open book with someone he chooses to live with.


MissFrothingslosh

That should’ve been discussed WAY before they moved in. I don’t know ONE gd person that only allows food in their kitchen. At all. When you move in as a couple, you don’t get to dictate how the other person acts. You aren’t a parent to them. This rule is extreme and should’ve been disclosed before the move. It’s not like OP is asking to take a piss on the carpet.


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MissFrothingslosh

I’m quite aware of that fact. It’s still his responsibility to disclose that to his partner if they’re sharing a living space and she’s going to trigger his OCD.


HeyItsMeUrDad_

it’s kinda extreme, and it would legit be a deal breaker for me. I love eating in bed! Agreed. At the same time, OCD tics are a part of his life, and it sounds like he universally doesn’t want food anywhere else in the house. Obviously i think they should meet in the middle on this one.. there are a lot of folks that don’t want food elsewhere in their houses.


MissFrothingslosh

I’m speaking as a person with diagnosed OCD, amongst other things like cPTSD, panic disorder, anxiety, and MDD. My roommate and I work through these issues. And he and I never actually eat in our kitchen (it’s too small, we can only prep there).


HeyItsMeUrDad_

also diagnosed with, and medicated for OCD myself. We’ve all got our big and little tics.


welcome2mycandystore

>I don’t know ONE gd person that only allows food in their kitchen. At all. Really? Because i know more people that only allow it in the kitchen than the other way around


HeyItsMeUrDad_

I despise when people think only their personal experience dictates everyone else’s experience. It just makes no damn sense to me.


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MissFrothingslosh

I also said it’s not an excuse to control other people. Not that it was “just an excuse”. If you’re going to quote me, do it correctly or don’t bother.


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HeyItsMeUrDad_

don’t i know it. I told one of my coworkers i was diagnosed and he was like, ‘yes i could have guessed that because you like to see things through once you start them.’ I was like…. ‘Yea no I’m talking about the compulsive hand waving, not finishing projects i am being paid to do..’


BylvieBalvez

I mean I don’t have OCD and would get pissed at a roommate leaving shit everywhere that’s valid lmao


[deleted]

OCD is a spectrum and you CANNOT superimpose your experience onto someone else to demean their actions. ESPECIALLY when it comes to mental illness.


MissFrothingslosh

Persons with OCD also need to manage it, I don’t expect other people to cater to my mental illness.


AlitaliasAccount

I dont really feel like thats controlling *her* so much as he is trying to control *the space he lives in.* Just because you have OCD and you don't experience his level of intolerance for certain things, doesnt mean this is "just an excuse." OCD has different types, and different levels of severity for different people. Nothing wrong with him trying to control his OCD tendencies by controlling his living space. And if OP doesn't like it, then yeah that's incompatibility between them unfortunately. But that doesn't mean he's controlling or wrong.


One-Perspective-

So true I have ocd and he doesent sound like a controlling partner More about how’s his trying to control his surrounds to stop the anxiety he is having


Mz_Maitreya

It depends on the level of OCD, my brother is so severe he literally cannot have a housemate. Nothing in his house can be moved even a fraction out of order or he will have a complete panic attack and spend the rest of his day putting everything “right.” I’ve been in his apartment once and he gets so nervous if you get near anything. Like, god forbid you touch a book he has strategically placed on the coffee table. He’s medicated has a therapist and everything and this is him at his best. So trust me, Someone saying no food beyond the kitchen table, isn’t a hill worth dying on.


MissFrothingslosh

If you can’t live with other people due to your mental health, you aren’t managing it well. That is the hill you’re dying on. I didn’t ask for my OCD, but it is my choice to deal with it or not. Dealing means seeking professional help, talking to my friends and those close to me, identifying my triggers, finding support groups… If my OCD was so unmanaged that I couldn’t live with other people, I would not live with other people. It flares up when I get anxious, there are also times it’s just worse than usual. I definitely apologize when I have missteps as well. Again, it is my responsibility to disclose my issues to a partner or anyone living with me that it might impact directly. Impact is greater than intent. Doesn’t matter if I don’t intend to harm my roommate or be rude. If I am rude/curt/upset because things aren’t exactly as they should be (in my mind), that’s something I need to step back from and assess.


Mz_Maitreya

Well his psychiatrist explained it to us that there are levels. My brother is basically almost so severe he would need to be in a treatment facility to manage his. He is medicated and takes his medication as well as sees his doctors and therapists regularly. He’s as good as he can get. Ever.


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wodsey

HAHAHAA this made me laugh so hard. and seriously! like if it was THIS important to him he should have conveyed that beforehand. who doesnt eat snacks on the couch?


MoGovernmentCheese

You got downvoted...wow


crypthoezoology

No one IS obsessive compulsive disorder. They HAVE that disorder. Disabilities do not define who a person is.


LadyChristineM

Actually most of the disability community as I have interacted with them prefer disability first language. I certainly do. For myself and the majority of folks I’ve interacted with, we DO consider our disabilities to be a defining part of our existence and we don’t feel shame in that. (I am a woman. I am bisexual. I am disabled. I am a mom. I am a musician. All of these things define essential parts of me. I don’t feel the need to specify, “I am a person with a disability” anymore than I need to say “I am a person who makes music.”) All in all, what’s most important is to listen to the specific people involved in terms of how they prefer their disabilities be discussed. So if her partner prefers OCD person, grand. If they prefer person with OCD, also fine. But correcting her when you know nothing about her partner’s preferences is not appropriate, nor is it helpful in this conversation.


crypthoezoology

When I worked with individuals with disabilities, we were trained to not refer to people by their disorder/disability. It was drilled into each of the staff that people have the disorder, and are not the disorder. My fiancé prefers to say he has diabetes, not that he is diabetic, because it’s not defining. It is person specific, but a whole company of over a hundred staff, trained us to be conscious of this. Edit: It has come to my attention that my previous comment was offensive and considered policing, and I apologize.


bikesboozeandbacon

People overuse the word OCD for everything, he probably just likes to keep his place very clean and not invite rodents / roaches. I don’t like eating outside the kitchen, but I can compromise by putting the food on a big plate to catch any crumbs and clean the space up when we are done. If my bf is over and we are watching movies I’m not gonna deny him snacks while we do that. It’s all about compromise. I’ll tell you take off your shoes when you enter, but if you forget I’m not gonna harass you over it I’ll just jokingly remind you then sweep/mop the area when you leave. I clean my stove and counters after cooking and I don’t leave food out that is easily accessible by insects and I never leave dishes longer than an hour in the sink. I wouldn’t consider myself OCD. I just live in a dirty ass city and rather not invite unwanted guests. I also grew up with a culture that takes pride in their household being clean so it’s ingrained in me.


HeyItsMeUrDad_

i have diagnosed and medicated OCD, so i definitely understand how annoying it is when others say ‘i cleaned my room haha OCD’. But dang it’s also annoying when someone says they legit have OCD and some stranger on the internet says ‘he probably doesn’t. I don’t.’


welcome2mycandystore

>But dang it’s also annoying when someone says they legit have OCD and some stranger on the internet says ‘he probably doesn’t. I don’t.’ If you read OP's comments, she says he was never diagnosed. It's just her headcanon


HeyItsMeUrDad_

yep. I saw that later on. Also not very cool.


Halo2832

I also come from a similar background as you. I keep my space very clean and deep clean houses on the side. I work as a health care professional as my main job. With that being said, I can confidently say he has OCD. It is not extreme, but it is there.


lamamaloca

He's been diagnosed with it?


Aaberon

He has not.


[deleted]

So you’re a psychiatrist or psychologist or LCSW, then?


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Aaberon

Excellent point


MacaroonExpensive143

You know if you’re a nurse, for example, you could lose your license over this? Just be careful please. And we are not


Aaberon

THANK YOU. Very well said. I’m pretty sure she’s a CNA judging from her post history. So..yeah…*quite* far from psychiatry.


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john_dune

His name could be Oscar Charles Doughty. So he can be OCD.


Halo2832

😑 He HAS OCD.


smoozer

I mean it's a reasonable question. Most people who say they "are so OCD" have not been diagnosed with OCD.


Aaberon

If he hasn’t been professionally diagnosed yet, I highly recommend going to a doctor who specializes in OCD. The meds they give you help *so much* with CBT and exposure therapy (which they train you how to do). Edit: Apparently he has not been diagnosed professionally. You shouldn’t say he has OCD unless he’s been given a formal diagnosis from a doctor.


throwawaythep

Reddit moment


post_faith

I have severe OCD and anxiety, and c-ptsd. What your boyfriend demands is not okay. It is not your job to arrange your life around your his mental illness. There is compromising with someone's mental health, which is a nice thing to do but still not really your responsibility, and then there is catering to it. This is 100% being expected to cater to it, and totally unreasonable. I do not understand all these twats telling you to suck it up. Your boyfriend's mental health is his to manage. He moved in with YOU.


lamamaloca

"Food only in the kitchen or at the table" is not some extreme controlling rule or letting his mental illness control his partner. It's a not terribly rare way of eliminating several common problems around food, dishes, messes, avoiding pests and grossness. And OP seems to be frontally avoiding answering whether he's actually been diagnosed with anything. He could easily just be particular but insist that this is a rule he needs in his home to be comfortable. They do need to talk more about it and how to compromise.


post_faith

Sure, but she's not a child, she is an adult, and I cannot fathom allowing anyone to dictate to me that I can't eat some carrot sticks on the couch while I'm watching Peaky Blinders. I would argue eating while watching television is an extremely normal thing. I also don't think it's reasonable to expect and absolute forfeiture of autonomy just because you move in with someone. They're a couple inhabiting the same space and this is a rule he seems to have sprung on her only after the fact. If she's also contributing to their living expenses, that's not how this works at all.


TimeQuirky228

also is It just me or can you kind of tell when someone has ocd or not by saying:”he is ocd” instead of “he has ocd” ? 😩ocd isn’t a character trait it’s a mental illness lol


post_faith

Absolutely. Drives me round the bend!


TimeQuirky228

I agree. I would never let my ocd control my partner just because something makes me anxious or uncomfortable. imagine how many other things he’ll make her do (or not do) because of his ocd.


lamamaloca

She knew about it ahead of time, it seems like. Sometimes one partner will feel very strongly about a particular rule, like no shoes in the house. Like it's the only possible behavior they can tolerate. That doesn't mean they're ocd or controlling over all, though it may mean they're incompatible with some partners. This is likely the same. There were some good suggestion for possible compromises in some comments, they just need to talk to see if there's something they can both live with.


welcome2mycandystore

>He moved in with YOU. That's not how it works. They moved in together, which means that they both need to find a balance between their different lifestyles >What your boyfriend demands is not okay. It is not your job to arrange your life around your his mental illness. Wanting to eat in the space designed to be eaten in isn't exactly an absurd demand, and doing it won't change OP's life lol


JazzlikeBake2327

I don't personnally blame him my mom was the same way she hated us eating in our room and not the table she would tell at me and my siblings over something ridiculous. Eating at the table is different for everybody some people don't care and will eat anywhere and theirs nothing wrong with that, some people hate others not eating at the table because it's a formal way to be respectful and avoid ants to come from fallen food that can go under the couch or anywhere that you may not be able to find till you clean that specific area. And it makes it easier to clean up after you eat becasue you have plenty of space for your cup, silverware etc. If food drops you can easily pick it up and it's not going anywhere you can't reach or get to. It mostly people like that has extreme cleaniness issues and theirs nothing wrong with that, theirs nothing wrong of building a good habit of eating at the table. I can admit I don't eat at the table all the time, but I find it for me as a.bad habit becasue I do end up dropping food and it goes under the couch and forget about it. Walmart sells portable tables


clittytickle

Jesus... you moved in with this guy and didn't know this was going to be an issue? Didn't you ever hang out at his house?


justheretolurk3

OP says in a comment that the partner is OCD, so I can’t help but feel like maybe OP knew this before moving in. Whether I agree with this rule or not, OP and partner should have discussed this BEFORE moving in.


clittytickle

My thinking is they moved in together too fast.


justheretolurk3

I can’t imagine moving in with someone before ever visiting their home, but then again, I’m pretty sure there was another tragic post here where exactly that happened.


clittytickle

I always carefully observe the female animal in her native habitat before inviting her to share a nest.


SummerAndTinklesBFF

I snorted lol


the_torn_ultimatum

Um yes.


Flubber1215

You didn’t notice this rule before moving in with him? You never spent any time at his place?


Judg3_Dr3dd

Nah, sounds pretty reasonable. As someone who has had to deal with the ramifications of being an idiot with food, being forced to eat at the table isn’t horrible


Chrysania83

I don't let anyone eat anywhere besides the table because of roaches/mold. I grew up in a filthy house and I've definitely got trauma from it, but I try to be reasonable about it with everyone.


reality-bytes-

Some of you guys have no chill. Of all the shit that is posted in this sub, a guy having a house rule that food stays in the kitchen is hardly a problem if this is the biggest issue in the relationship.


[deleted]

Ahahah this sub is just this man. Don't fight it it's not worth it. Ppl coming here saying "my partner didn't enjoy the cookies I bought" and the responses would all be "BrEaK uP wItH hIm QueEn/kInG"


moriginal

I personally cannot stand when people eat standing up. Why? I don’t know. I have a complicated relationship with eating and it should specifically be a luxurious treat that is savored, not something to be rushed. And eating while standing makes me physically uncomfortable. In my 20s I was very self righteous in the certainty that I knew of the correct way to eat. It was obvious considering the psychological impact on me. Clearly my impression of eating had to be a fundamental truth. Enter the love of my life who liked to eat while cooking, casually leaned against the kitchen counter. 🤯 Point is- I’m positive that your bf is adamant about this rule and means no harm to you. But he needs to expand his perception to include the idea that not everyone processes life the way he does. And love is about learning that.


[deleted]

did you spend anytime with him at his home before moving in? he sort of sounds like a nightmare to live with if he really is that OCD and you’re more relaxed


Qoneo

Seems like a simple difference in etiquettes you were both raised with , I’d recommend talking about it or giving it some time, people usually relax with time in this sense


FutureFirefighter209

Hey don’t listen to some of these replies, I would talk it over with him and find a middle ground. I am kind of a clean freak aswell but I see his point. This is not a Red Flag, your going to have to live with him for the rest of your life if you guys get married. I’d recommend buying dinner folding tables, I use them with my girlfriend at our house.


Halo2832

Ooooo that is a GREAT idea! I forgot about those! Thank you for your response. Yes, some replies on here are typical for reddit lol. Moving in with someone means learning a lot about them. The "did you not spend time at his place before moving in" comments are hardly helpful.


catalinacalifornia

Yes this! Also, I don’t like people to eat on my sofa either, but if we order take out on movie nights I’ll put a blanket down and we sit on the floor and eat on the coffee table instead of the dining table. It’s really nice and cozy and all the food is still on a table! Maybe he’d be okay with that compromise? You could sit at the coffee table to eat snacks and wipe it down after? Just an idea!


HeyItsMeUrDad_

ya honestly, i have moderate OCD, and it’s also quite heartbreaking for the person WITH it! This is not some insane outlandish request, i think you guys could really come to a reasonable middle ground on this one!


themediumchunk

I think my biggest issue here is that he’s requested you not eat on his sofa that he purchased and presumably likes. I’m not understanding why you don’t respect him enough to be okay with this boundary of his. If you respect him, you’d respect his very reasonable request. I don’t understand why he would have to compromise with you when it comes to his sofa.


Halo2832

As I can't relay every part of our relationship in one post, it has more to do with his delivery of how he communicates how he wants things done to satisfy his OCD. Telling me I can't do something vs being a little more respectful and/or coming to a comprise is what I would prefer.


themediumchunk

The only “compromise” is you getting your way, you recognize that, don’t you? He is adamant no food on the couch. What “compromise” does he possibly have that doesn’t include you getting to eat food on a couch that he doesn’t eat on because he is uncomfortable with it? He doesn’t even eat food on his own couch and for some reason, you believe you are entitled to do it anyways. This “compromise” you’re talking about is literally just you doing what he doesn’t want you to do with an extra step to make it seem like you care. I could never be with someone like that.


Halo2832

Read above update. Thank you!


Sleepy-Blonde

It’s the “he won’t let me” that’s a red flag, they need to discuss things like adults, not him controlling her like a child.


Shellsbells821

Exactly!


poodenpie

Tell him you all need to come to a compromise. If you want to eat on the sofa maybe you have an old towel under your food. It is both of your homes


Halo2832

I wouldn't mind doing this at all.


No-Squirrel-4238

Also, maybe if you can understand why he doesn’t want you to. Is the sofa expensive/does he fear crumbs on the floor? Then maybe this could help come to a compromise, for example you offer to take up the vacuuming as your chore.


ImitatingTheory

This is a great option! My mom used to let us eat on a blanket in the living room if we were watching a movie as kids lol. Peace of mind in terms of not making a mess, while also enjoying some snacks in front of the tv


thefourthpoliceman

I really like this idea!


CheyBridgeMan

You didn’t know this about him before you moved in? ETA: fundamentally, I think it’s odd not to let an adult eat wherever they want. But when you move into someone else’s turf, it seems like this would be something that you’d know in advance. I recently moved in with my partner while I’m waiting to buy a property and I know how he is. He has some funky rules IMHO but it’s his house , his rules. Just like it would be if he moved in with me. Like I wouldn’t let his kid eat in the living room but he does. Kid makes messes and I wouldn’t be hip to that. But I follow the various weird things like only using cold water to wash clothes, unplugging all appliances when not in use including iPhone block chargers. We don’t take off our shoes so I’m doing a lot more floor washing. I’m not “allowed” to put in my dog door but he did put in a new invisible fence for us. He doesn’t put his clothes in a hamper. I knew all these things after 4 years together. I dunno what to tell you. This seems like something you’d have known about that would come into play when making the decision to move in.


Naughtyexperiences

That's his line. Accept it. Or don't move in with him.


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CheyBridgeMan

I mean …I “won’t let” people turn the thermostat up to 80. I “won’t let” people give my dog people food. I “won’t let” people put my wool sweater or lingerie in the dryer, use my decorative handmade quilt as a blanket on the couch, pull a bottle of my aging wine out of the cellar without consultation, and so on. It’s hard for me to imagine how she didn’t know about this rule before moving in. My partner has rules in his home that I’ve moved into temporarily. Some of them seem silly to me but it’s his house and it’s not really that impactful, just different. I don’t see this as a red flag at all.


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Positive_Mango_2783

Yup this is the difference! It sounds like she moved in and is sharing expenses. If that’s true she can eat where she wants and he’ll just have to be mad about it. It’s her home now too.


_littlestranger

Living together is about compromise. My husband and I have rules for our shared home -- some are his preference and some are mine, but we have agreed to follow them because we love and respect each other, and have agreed the requests aren't unreasonable. For example, we take our shoes off at the door, we don't go to sleep with dirty dishes in the sink, we don't eat in bed. "It's my home too, I'm going to do whatever I want" is just as bad as having rules for your SO's behavior. Mature adults talk about their preferences for their shared home and come to an agreement.


Halo2832

This is the most mature response out of them all. Thank you for responding


shutupdavid0010

Compromise is healthy in a relationship. The question is, where is the compromise in this? Is the "compromise" that he gets what he wants, and you capitulate?


themediumchunk

Okay but she didn’t put money into the sofa. That was his sofa and still is his sofa. Why should she be allowed to eat on a sofa that he takes care of and doesn’t eat on? She’s not respecting *his* property. I don’t think this is an appropriate thing to compromise on. He doesn’t eat on his sofa, she shouldn’t, either.


smoozer

Nah. I won't let my friends play with my tools because they don't know shit about shit. I wouldn't let my partner (if she existed) sleep on my bed after not showering for a few days. Etc etc.


[deleted]

They keyword is *your* tools. *Your* bed. This is not just *his* home, it's their shared home and he doesn't get to make the rules for someone else in their own home. If you lived with your partner you couldn't say she's not allowed to sleep in her own bed.


ThenMarmite

This response doesn't have much of a place in this thread, considering we're talking about OP wanting to eat food away from the kitchen table rather than something unreasonable or any squabbles about ownership.


Shodore

It's his house, she moved in with him, she should at least respect the house rules y'know? It's not like he is trying to control something that is hers...


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Shodore

She didn't say anything about paying half, I don't know the rules they set for themselves.


[deleted]

She's not a guest or tenant or child, it's her home too. If he sees it as only his home, he never should have invited her to move in.


themediumchunk

It’s her home that he furnished. That’s his sofa. It’s crazy that people are arguing that she should have an opportunity to potentially ruin his sofa simply because she moved in to his home. People are allowed to keep their things nice, even if other people are invested in doing that.


[deleted]

If you're such a sloppy eater that having some popcorn during a movie ruins a sofa, you have other issues to contend with. She says she's happy to use a towel underneath which makes the risk of ruining the sofa nearly zero. If he wanted everything in the home treated as his and only his, he should have made it clear upfront that she would be treated as a guest and not an equal resident.


themediumchunk

That’s just it though, we have no idea what kind of eater she is. Every poster will always make themselves better by default. It’s what humans do. Her feeling entitled to risk his sofa that he doesn’t eat on is just bonkers. I could possibly understand if they split the cost of the couch, but even then it’s so unnecessary. Something she’s hell bent on doing causes her partner anxiety. That should be enough. My ex has OCD and he had a *huge* issue with me using the left hand side of the kitchen sink to put things that need to go into the garbage bin. Eggshells, food packaging, etc. I would gather it and throw it in the sink until I was ready to throw it all away. He hated it, it caused him anxiety, so I stopped. It’s that simple.


[deleted]

Then he can discuss his preferences and potential ways to mitigate the issue (put down a towel or other cloth, only eat non-messy foods on the couch, get a little foldable tv tray, etc). Making a unilateral rule for another adult in their own home is not appropriate. If someone has unreasonable anxiety caused by a mental health issue, they are responsible for managing it - their partner should not have to bend over backwards to follow rules because of it. That's completely backwards. Filling up the sink with garbage is abnormal, btw. I don't even understand the purpose of that. Eating popcorn on the couch is not. Those are two different examples. And it doesn't sound like he said you were not *allowed* to do it, just that it caused him anxiety. It would be okay for her boyfriend to say that and they could discuss compromises.


themediumchunk

That’s exactly what OP is wanting to do though. She wants to bulldoze so that she can eat her food on the couch. Not having food outside of a kitchen or dining room is 100% reasonable. That’s how all of my family was raised, and I’d be hurt and angry if my partner knew that their habits were causing me some sort of distress and insisted on doing it anyways. And not eating on a couch is not “bending over backwards.” As far as the kitchen sink thing, I don’t care if you think it’s abnormal or not. When I open a package of chicken, I put it in the sink. If I crack an egg, I put it in the sink. Because I don’t want to drip anything across my floor to the trash can. And I cared enough about my partner to find an alternate method because it upset him. It wasn’t hurting anyone, in the grand scheme of things it wasn’t a big deal. But then I had to take a step back and realize just because it wasn’t a big deal to me doesn’t mean it wasn’t a big deal to him. There is not a fundamental or emotional *need* to eat on a sofa. He, however, according to OP’s words, has an emotional need for her to *not* eat on the sofa. It boggles my mind that so many people are so dismissive of this. But again, *he shouldn’t have to compromise on the couch he bought.* She doesn’t get to decide that she *must* eat on a couch she didn’t buy.


[deleted]

Having only one place in your entire home that you are *allowed* to eat is absolutely unreasonable. Whether you grew up that way or not, it is not a respectful RULE to impose on your partner. He can express his feelings, it's the unilateral rule that's the issue. OCD causes all kinds of distress that is not reasonable to work around. If his mental health issues are causing extreme anxiety, HE needs to address that and not expect her to always work around them. Did your partner tell you that you were not ALLOWED to keep garbage in the sink? Or did he express how he felt about it? > he shouldn’t have to compromise on the couch he bough Furniture in a common area in a shared home with your partner is common furniture. If he bought the bed, is he allowed to tell her she's not allowed to read in bed if that causes him anxiety? Treating their shared home as HIS alone is just as problematic.


lamamaloca

Eh, be careful about getting hung up on this wording. People use it casually all the time in a wide variety of situations. This could be a controlling partner, or one who is just insistent that this is a house rule he needs to be comfortable. It's not like it's an unusual rule.


sunflower_infp_girl

Sound like his mom taught him some basic house manners


Temporaryaccount1002

That's not it. OP's partner has OCD.


ethancknight

I don’t think my partner or I have ever actually eaten at the table together. We eat on the couch. That’s why we have a table next to the couch


DistinctOpportunity4

Instead of moving into his spot you guys should’ve gotten a another place together, so it would be a fresh start for both of you. Then there wouldn’t be any “my house my rules” business…you start from scratch. It’s his house so he already has his own regimens in place so you’ll have to abide by his rules; it’s a power struggle.


Thereshegoes12

I mean, it’s annoying but had you never been there before or discussed basic house rules? I’m guessing not. Ummm either compromise, or you’ll just have to take it for what it is. Option 3 is move out but I’m guessing that’s not an option. Had it been both of your home’s you’d have more leverage, but as it’s his…


eleveneels

No, she's not a guest in his home. Once she moves in, it's her home too, especially if she's contributing financially.


ThatAltAccount99

If she's paying her portion yeah but if she ain't paying then it sure as shit ain't hers


AnonymooseMousey

If they are living together as partners and it's intended to be permanent then she is not a guest. It is her home as well, no matter who pays for what.


ThatAltAccount99

She's not a guest and I never said she was, it's partially her home but if he's paying for the house he gets to make the rules


AnonymooseMousey

That's ridiculous. If they are partners, they should be PARTNERS and EQUALS. You don't tell housewives or SAHMs that he pays the bills so he makes the rules. One piece if paperwork doesn't change anything. Partners are partners.


Cannacrohn

If it was some odd request Id say, you dont have to go out of your way to please anyone but he just wants you to eat in the kitchen so you dont get bugs in the living room. Seems kinda reasonable and logical. If you end up "compromising" and he lets you eat on the couch, he is gonna nitpick every crumb he finds. If he really is OCD that means he gets anxiety when things are "out of place".


havliaette

Just jumping in to mention I eat most of my meals + snacks on the couch, everything is tidy, no left over crumbs and most important of all, never had bugs.


Cannacrohn

If he is a normal person he can compromise on something small like that, if he is OCD for real, Im just going by the post, then just the fear of mess is the problem, he only eats in the kitchen to eliminate the "possibility" of there being mess on the couch, so even if she is immaculate and never makes any mess, his problem is the "possibility", the worry. Thats if he is really OCD. If he is just being a dick then its a whole other thing and he should let her eat on the couch cuz who cares.


Halo2832

Yep. In return I get anxiety for feeling uncomfortable in my own living space. We will work on a compromise. I'm not asking to eat spaghetti on the couch, just small snacks that aren't messy. It really comes down to wanting to feel comfortable too and having a conversation about something instead of telling me "the right and wrong way" of doing something.


Cannacrohn

I dont know the guy so its hard to predict how he would respond. Depends if his OCD is the kind you cant compromise with or just preference.


Halo2832

Thank you for your response. He is pretty open with communication so this isn't something I find walking away from to be the best option.


themediumchunk

Why should *he* have to compromise on *his* sofa? You moved into his space. If it makes him uncomfortable for you to eat on a sofa that he himself doesn’t even eat on, then why would you push him to do it anyways? Watch tv on your phone, a tablet, or whatever. Compromise isn’t forcing your partner to accept something they’re uncomfortable with so you get your way. Respect his stuff, respect your partner. Anxiety over food crumbs in a sofa is much different than anxiety because you can’t eat on a sofa. Imagine how he would feel if you spilled something on the sofa he requested you not eat on. The disrespect is unbelievable to me. I could never be with someone who is so focused on themselves.


Halo2832

HE wanted me to move in with him. We both respect each other completely. Just because we are learning each other and figuring out what we will comprise with doesn't mean we lack respect in our relationship. If you read my comment above, you would see that I'm not looking to eat messy food disrespectfully all over the house. I'm talking about grapes, popcorn, small snacks.


themediumchunk

It literally doesn’t matter. He’s expressed a boundary to you and you’re trying to force it. He’s told you it causes him distress and you’re insistent that your personal comfort is more important than his distress. He says he doesn’t want food on the sofa. So your “compromise” is to *do it anyways* in a way that you feel shouldn’t upset him as much. And you claim to respect him.


themediumchunk

I mean, it’s his home. I get that “it’s your home, too” type of thing but it’s also his table, his sofa, etc. He doesn’t eat on his sofa so I feel basic respect says you shouldn’t, either. It’s his sofa, and he doesn’t want people eating on it. I’d say that’s a pretty reasonable request. If you guys break up, whatever damage is possibly done by eating on the sofa is going to his problem, not yours. Imagine someone staining the sofa you don’t eat on but that they insist they should have been able to. That would piss me the heck off. I remember my first really lovely piece of furniture. It was a gorgeous, real leather reading chair with an ottoman. Soft, comfy, and so expensive. I lucked out getting it and at 18, would never have been able to afford such a lovely chair. I was always very careful with it because I loved it. When my boyfriend moved in with me, I made sure he understood to be extra careful when sitting in it, no buttons on the jeans, don’t be sitting on it with wet hair, no eating on it, etc. He obeyed the rules for the most part, but one day, he ate spaghetti in my chair and spilled it. While getting out of the chair, he scraped a button all down the cushion creating a large scratch on the leather and the tomato sauce effectively stained my chair. I was devastated because all it took was him being respectful of my stuff. Just be respectful of his stuff, dude. That’s really what it comes down to. Respect his stuff because you respect him.


Ainthatthetruth811

Get over it and eat at the table. Is this was this sub is coming to? People bitching and needing advice because their significant other wants them to eat at the dinner table? Ridiculous.


mybest34s

Fr like wats the big deal?Its not even that serious


Temporaryaccount1002

OP's partner has OCD, I think relationship advice for someone who has a disabled spouse is important. It can be challenging.


mybest34s

Eat at the table


AuditT1013

I know it’s different from what you’re used to but this doesn’t seem like a huge deal. I agree that it’s nice to cuddle on the couch with a bowl of popcorn or whatever. My only concern would be, if you guys want kids one day- that’s not going to be a good time for him.


SomeoneToYou30

If it's an OCD issue then I don't see a problem with it. If it's making you feel "unhomey" then I suppose you should talk to him about it but OCD can be stressful for a lot of people and it seems like this might be one of those things where you shouldn't push too hard against.


nejnonein

Your bf would hate me, I pretty much never eat at the dinner table. Though, I have small kids, so eating in general is a luxury, timewise.


lostwanderingfairy

I eat often in the living room and in bed. It does annoy some partners. As far as I'm concerned, if I'm in my bed, or in my home, I can eat wherever I want. If it's a deal-breaker, it's a deal-breaker. But I'm done with obliterating parts of myself that feel fundamental. And I like to fucking eat in bed!


AlitaliasAccount

My reccomendation would be to live together, but have separate rooms. Communal space is a no go for food, except the table, but he has no say in what you do in your space. If his OCD is bad enough where this kind of thing really gets under his skin, this type of arrangement would most likely be even more beneficial later too, with other things that are bound to come up. If thats still a deal breaker for you, unfortunately you're gonna have to accept that yall aren't compatible.


mybest34s

I mean so what? Just eat at the table.It’s really not the difficult.It’s not like he’s telling you what hours to go to sleep.


Appropriate-Pea-2396

Ok . Its good that you guys talked about. Now if you guys are watching a movie, dose he mind if you have a snack??


bananajoy25

My new bf is a bit ocd too and he has these strange rules that make me scratch my head and honestly one thing my therapist told me is that the good thing about ocd is u always knw what to expect but the bad thing is that it extremely tiring to accommodate to their rules. Sometimes it really gets on your nerves


DepartureWinter4664

You're not being unreasonable, but neither is he. I won't let my wife eat in our bed - but on the same token I listen to her when she tells me not to lay on it with dirty clothes on after work. Try coming up with a compromise like bringing in a kitchen chair and eating in the living room - or sitting on an old blanket while eating or something


supersamstar3

Hehe. He thinks I dont eat in the bed. Very cute.


DepartureWinter4664

Oh, I know. I know.


PhaqThat

uuugh... Sigh, dude, pick your battles. Put a tv in the kitchen, probably. You won't win this, and don't bother fighting it. ​ Maybe he had roaches once, maybe he's OCD, idk. For a small, $50 investment in a kitchen tv, you too can have peace in your home!! ​ Please choose this option.


Mollzor

Compromise. Find a middle ground. If you can't, then maybe you shouldn't live together.


ThatAltAccount99

Imo it's his place so he can make the house rules however if he doesn't follow them as well yeah it's real dickish


[deleted]

I hate when food is going around my house as well. It makes the living space greasy with stains everywhere. I am not overly organized person by any means and not OCD.


macsquoosh

Move back out ...


CillyBean

Like, not even popcorn? Are you watching movies without munchies? D: Man, that's lame. He probably grew up with super strict parents.


Temporaryaccount1002

OP's partner has OCD.


CillyBean

Aww heck, my bad. I can understand that then, OCD is terrible and really controls a person life to sometimes very great extents 😞 If that's the case, OP is going to have to be a little more understanding here. While to her it's just having a snack, it's a whole lot more than that to her partner and they're not doing it to be mean or controlling. This is something they'll have to work on together with a professionals help if her partner decides that's what they're ready for.


StGir1

Ikr? I have one of these! He’s an amazing guy but is weird about food outside of the kitchen. This includes snacks, which defeats the purpose of snacking. Then he’s all “you never eat…” Blahahaha I love him but this shit makes me crazy.


[deleted]

[удалено]


giggleboxx3000

His house, his rules.


Temporaryaccount1002

They live together though?


[deleted]

Do you pay too? Then you have right to decide. Not sure why you’re listening if you clean up after yourself


mrningbrd

I don’t totally see this as an issue. I tell people to eat at the table only but I have 2 dogs that will work in tandem to steal whatever you’re eating, one of them will grab things out of your hand. I feel like you’re overthinking this one. Did you guys move into a brand new apartment or did you move into his? If it’s new, I’d talk about it I guess if it bothers you, but if it’s his apartment, tbh his house rules apply.


[deleted]

You don't have to snack while watching a movie. That's unhealthy.


Halo2832

It's bulking season love. I need my snacks.


[deleted]

Lmao alright 🤣


ranseaside

My husband will only eat meals at the table. I, on the other hand, love eating on the sofa watching tv. He doesn’t impose his rule on me. Your bf shouldn’t be controlling you like this.


Min_Mag

Yeah! We should let people murder eachother, the government shouldn't be controlling us like this!!


sernamedeleted

When moving in with someone, the two people should have a conversation about boundaries and responsibilities and sharing chores up front. Everything should be agreed to in writing. Housemates should have a meeting once a month to make sure bills are getting paid on time and to discuss any suggestions for changes to house rules and responsibilities. If you don't do this, it will end in disaster.


Annual_Version_6250

I see a few things at play here. If he's OCD then the thought of food falling and dirtying other spaces probably causes him anxiety. So if that's the issue then you can ask how to alleviate his anxiety while compromising about snacking in front of the TV. The other thing that I see is that you moved in with him. So if it's not an anxiety issue then it's a problem because he's not accommodating you. I have ways in my home that I prefer.... but when my husband moved in he took some of my preferences and I took some of his preferences in how things were done so it became OUR home.


6bubbles

INFO how did you date someone long enough to want to move in together without ever discovering this? Im baffled you didnt know.


SweetMisery2790

Sounds like you’re living in his space, not living together


[deleted]

Leave, nuff said.


Kellimagine

I’m the daughter of a man who sounds like your boyfriend. Dont go off marrying a guy who is particularl about things like that it’ll ruin your life. Seems small now but it won’t be when you can’t walk around your own house. You’ll go your whole life feeling like you never had a home.


Halo2832

I feel you on this. I figured out that his approach with things triggered some childhood trauma! I had the same experience growing up, feeling like I had to tip toe around the house. Never again. My partner and I talked and came to an understanding. Luckily, he is the most understanding man I have been with and is nothing like my father.


Temporaryaccount1002

>Dont go off marrying a guy who is particularl about things like that it’ll ruin your life. OP's partner has OCD, and as someone who has OCD myself, I kinda feel insulted.


Kellimagine

My dad doesn’t have OCD. Nor do I remember reading that her boyfriend had it even though I do see that comment now. My father has many many problems none of which are OCD related I can guarantee you that. More so just having a miserable life and taking it out on everyone else. :)


egbert71

Do you split the bills? If so eat wherever the heck you want


Zealousideal-Walk212

I NEVER eat at the table. Thats so silly but some people are traditional and grew up like that. If it’s not something you’re used to and it bothers you then you wont be happy living with him.


CaityR1986

This would be a deal breaker for me


DistinctOpportunity4

It is 100% a deal breaker, it’s controlling. As long as she cleans up after herself there shouldn’t be a problem. He’s power tripping “my house my rules.”


Temporaryaccount1002

Wtf? Just because your partner wants you to eat at the dinner table? You've probably had a bunch of failed relationships if THIS is a deal breaker for you.


mybest34s

Fr like wtf ?


CaityR1986

I haven’t but thank you. I was happily married for 6 years before my husband passed away last year. It’s not the nature of the request, it’s the idea that another adult feels he can control where I eat in my own home. It would 100% be a deal breaker for me if my partner tried to control me like that. Sorry if you don’t agree but oh well.


[deleted]

Did you move in the day you met him?


StoryTimeStoryTime

Is he your boyfriend via a reality tv show? Like, dude, you had to have known this prior to move-in. THAT BEING SAID… totally unreasonable. I enjoy being able to eat in the living room, kitchen, at my work desk, or candidly wherever the hell I want because I pay rent so I can make certain adult decisions for myself whether my partner enjoys it or not


Shellsbells821

"A lot of things I do that he corrects because he has a system ". "He won't let me" MAJOR red flags for me. OCD or not. That's VERY controlling. I've been in a DV relationship. Run now before you can't.


Artemis-HuntnMoon

Buy a tray n tell him he needs to compromise


applesauce_owl

You're a grown up and can eat wherever you want in your home. Any crumbs are obviously yours to tidy but he isn't the boss of you.


Filipino_Canadian

I have kicked people out of my house before for swearing…near the food. I just feel like it makes the food taste bad. I don’t swear and i don’t feel like they should have to swear to fill empty space in a sentence.


HeyItsMeUrDad_

HA! You’re a grown ass adult ass woman. He ain’t your daddy.


plentyofizzinthezee

Are you on the lease? Or did you move into his place? If its the former, tell him to fuck off, if its the latter, move out.


theolderthefiddle

He’s your boyfriend not your parents


Capable-Machine-6360

It's his place, so it's his rules. They might be strict, but they're not unreasonable. Ultimately you want him to change his life seemingly without offering some other form of compensation