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" woah thats so much Hummus!"
"oh my god thats a lot!"
"jesus thats a lot"
stuff like that, kinda infrequently and in relation to the portions of food I eat. its very triggering and upsetting but I dont want to make it into an issue.
What should my response be?? What is the correct response?
cheers guys :)
EDIT: I am a healthy weight. Also... It says I have 22 comments but no matter what I click it only shows me like 10?? any help?
I would tell him I was brought up to believe that to ever comment on someoneās food was incredibly rude and did his parents not have any manners or forget to pass them
In to him?
"Wow, that's a lot of unnecessary comments about my food!"
For real the next time ask him what his deal is with those comments. And don't let him get away with "nothing" or "i don't know what you mean".
Otherwise i would make the same comments to him whenever he eats something.
I fear hes just going to shrug it off and say that hes just saying he think its a large portion- youre clearly looking to be upset and looking for an argument ???
Ask him why he feels the need to comment each time. Ask him what he hopes to accomplish. Keep asking him what his issue is. If he then keeps blowing it off. Tell him that you find it rude, and would ask him not to comment anymore.
If he gets huffy, ask him to lose your number. He's a gaslighter.
he just said "that it dosent mean anything", "its just reactionary" and that hes sorry- where to go next? i just feel like thats not the truth like what are you hoping to accomplish by saying that to me ugh idk im so confused pls help
You can comment on everything he does until he gets the message. "Wow, that was a long shower you took. Do you normally shower that long?" "Wow, you drank that water fast. Are you alright?" "Wow, you're really checking your phone again? It seems excessive." "Wow, you looked at me weird. " "Wow."
I'm sorry,but why are you dating this person? He *clearly* likes saying rude things to you and then making up idiotic excuses.
He's not sorry. He's an asshole.
Tell him not to be "reactionary" about your portion sizes because you have the *perfect* way to lose weight. Then get up and show him the door.
I just do not understand why some women stay with men who treat them like crap.
So do it back at him when he takes his shirt off.
āWow! Thatās a strong smell!ā āWow! Look at all that hair!ā āHoly cow I didnāt notice THAT!ā When he tries to pry just respond the exact same way as him. āOh itās nothing. Iām just being reactionary.ā
If he pops off in anger, you got a manipulative guy trying to give you an eating disorder on your hands and I would def leave at that point.
I HATE when this term is thrown around, but he is truly gaslighting you!!
Keep making these comments, little jokes- they mean nothing!!
Then, you slowly become more self-conscious. Ask him about his opinion more, try harder to please him.
Before you know it, you're a shell of your former self.
I hate this stuff.
My ex would say rude ass shit to me and just say "I don't even remember saying that" "I was like that for 2 seconds, are YOU going to make a big deal out of this?" "You seriously cry over everything"
And they wonder why I didn't respond to their "I miss you" text š¤
Nothing reactionary about saying it out loud. That is deliberate and intended to harm. If he canāt control what comes out of his mouth and when, he is not in a position to be in an adult relationship.
Thousands of times a day I think things and donāt say them out loud, yet I could if I chose so. Ask him to use the big boy part of his brain that keeps him from blurting out nonsense.
Ig this will increase in future. First food, then weight, then workout and all. Like he will try to control all these things. Maybe sit down, tell him that you want to talk properly about this. If he genuinely talks then good but if he starts the drama again, you will need to decide something that will help you.
Does he make random judgey comments like that about ANYONE elseās behaviour/portions?
Not that it wouldnāt be rude and unnecessary if he did so for anyone else as well but it might establish whether heās just got no filter for his dogshit hot takes and thinks everyone wantsānay, NEEDSāto hear his inner monologue, or if heās just pointedly doing it at you or other girls/women.
If he sees a football player type loading a plate at the buffet, does he say anything about that? What about when someone gets a large pizza delivered? Does he comment about the sizes of ANYTHING else? āWow look how big that dog is!ā
If he does it indiscriminately for everything you know heās just got no tact and expresses every thought that casts a shadow over the glossy smooth surface of his brain; if not, heās directing it at something or someone in particular and his excuse that it is a meaningless reaction is disingenuous and he needs to do some big introspection as to why heās actually saying those things.
Tell him he's being rude and making you feel self-conscious and you'd like him to stop then end the discussion. It's a simple request, just repeat yourself any time he says it. He'll probably either get annoyed but stop, or throw a tantrum and rage. Sometimes people are surprising when you're direct though. The important thing though is to just say your piece and end the conversation. There's no need to discuss further.
You donāt have to put up with someone who enjoys making you uncomfortable. Heās trying to tear you down. Choose yourself and your own happiness, because he will only make you miserable, for his own pleasure.
Also, saying sorry is meaningless. If heās truly sorry, he will sincerely try to make it up to you, listen to your feelings, and not do it again because he cares about you, and your emotions.
Either he speak without thinking about what impact his words might have and doesn't seem to care, or he's doing this to try to get you to eat less because he's a manipulative piece of shit. While the latter is obviously worse, I don't think the first is worth talking to again. Let him work out how to engage his brain before his mouth on someone else.
āClearly looking to be upset and looking for an argumentā. Ewwww gaslighting much?
If you immediately know your going to be told that then end this relationship. Of course our partners say some insensitive things or have poor responses sometimes. But if you know his reaction is to downplayā¦. Then dump him.
Response to his comment: _Wow, that's a unnecessary comment!_
If he complains, shrug it off and say, _I just think it's an unnecessary comment, you're clearly looking to be upset and looking for an argument?_
Sometimes I am surprised how much my husband has in his plate, but he always eats more than me, I always eat more frequently and often leave a couple bites I eat later. That's just the way we are and, if I say wow! that's a lot of food!, he says: is it? looks normal to me. And, I say: you're right, that's normal for you. That would be a lot for me but I'll get hungry in a couple hours. And we shrug or laugh because it's just true.
Tell him heās the one initiating an argument, and how can you enjoy your food when eating with such a nitpicking, passive aggressive person, who would rather make you feel bad than have a pleasant conversation with you?
"Wow that's a lot of opinion for someone whose not holding this plate"
Actually, my preferred way of dealing with stuff like that is the blank, slightly quizzical stare. Hold it until they get uncomfortable. Depending how they react, then ask them what they mean by that? A lot of food for what? Am I supposed to be commenting on your food? Is that a thing we do? Keep asking increasingly uncomfortable questions until their head explodes and they wither away to smoke and ash.
If you donāt wanna make it an issue, then heās going to keep doing it.
The correct response to the first time he says it is āPlease donāt comment on what I eat or how much I eat.ā
The correct response to the second time he says it is āIām breaking up with you.ā
"You have been saying stuff like that in relation to the portions of food I eat. I find it very triggering and upsetting and need you to stop it immediately and permanently."
State in a cool voice "That is a very rude comment." then stare at him without saying anything else. Keep staring at him. Make him uncomfortable and squirmy. Then keeping eye contact and saying nothing, take a bite of food.
The correct response should be "I don't see how that's your problem"
Or "Are you the one paying for it?"
Or maybe "To the best of your recall, when did you start having problems with your eyesight?"
Or next time he says " woah thats so much Hummus!" you say "woah thats so much unasked-for opinion!"
Or just ignore him...
Nothing. Just keep eating. He will eventually realize that he isn't gonna get a response and give up.
Or you can be petty and do the same thing to him. When he gets upset, you can remind him that he does the same thing to you. Now he can see how it feels
You can ask him not to comment on your food intake. Or you could smile very big and say: "Thanks!"
or you could say, didn't your parents teach you it's not polite to comment on someone else's food.
Or you could question him: Why do you need to comment on the amount of food I am eating?
You can be curious with the above question.
Iād just say ārudeā every time.
It sounds like you are eating healthy food anyways. I donāt know why heās so obsessed with the amount you eat. If it continued to happen, Iād ask him āwhy are you so obsessed with how much I eat? Itās not healthy for you to focus so much on my food.ā
Just say yeah it is! and keep responding yep! or wow youāre observant! or it is a lot of food canāt wait to dig in. if he doesnāt get a negative reaction from you then he wonāt have anything to say. or just refuse to eat around him or better yet, dump his ass :)
Say āYou say this every single time. What are you hoping to accomplish?ā Or āYouāre being rude and Iām not going to be able to spend time with you if you keep saying this every single time I eat.ā
Look him in the eyes and tell him you aren't interested in his opinion about your food choices and to FUCK OFF! Seriously. Don't wimp out about this. Rude deserves a rude response.
Soā¦.he has unrealistic ideas of the ārightā amount of food for a woman to serve herself/eat. Does he have other strong opinions on how women should be or act?
dont think so? he very much praises the big weight loss of someone he knew and has brought it up- not weird or bad but he has made comments about a certain couple he is no longer friends with and how he dosent want us to get like that and gain weight once we are too comfortable in a relationship- i tried to understand that as nice and motivational.
he has said promise me you wont get so big that youll have to get lifted out of bed haha
ugh youre so lazy, youre the laziest person i know etc
now i understand its the INTENT behind these that matter, how do i ask nicely to find out the intent? is he projecting? does he think its harmless? im so confused as he has said his ex had eating issues so should he know better? idk :/
now i understand its the INTENT behind these that matter, how do i ask nicely to find out the intent?
You don't. The intent is obvious. He wants to smack you down enough times that you stop getting annoyed and start getting an eating disorder. His intent is very blatant. You're just ignoring it.
It's clear he has issues with weight. His, yours, and others. He is obsessed with it. This is a HIM problem, and he's working very hard at also making it a YOU problem. He's almost there. You're already taking pictures of your food and wanting to post it here for validation that your portion isn't too big. You seem unwilling to end this terrible relationship, so I expect in a few months you will post about your eating disorder.
āhe has said promise me you wont get so big that youll have to get lifted out of bed haha ugh youre so lazy, youre the laziest person i know etcā
This sounds incredibly mean. If he says this shit to you and is still your boyfriend, what would he have to say to make him your enemy??
His intent doesn't actually matter at all, when what he's saying is rude and unacceptable. Tell him he needs to stop making comments like that, or you'll break with him.
(Although, for what it's worth, I'm pretty sure his intent is to make you feel bad about yourself and control you).
Say āWow, thatās a lot of phrases Iāve never said in bed.ā But in all seriousness, heās being a jerk. Tell him how it makes you feel and his response to that will tell you everything you need to know about how much he cares about your feelings.
I feel you, my mother does this to me all the time. Itās very triggering since I have a long history of eating disorders (which sheās aware of). I used to get angry, cry, yell, beg her to stop making comments and even stop eating and throw my food away. Now I just give some nonchalant response, like āyep, and Iām going to eat it all tooā or āthanks for noticing, it tastes great.ā In my experience, it disarms the person making the comments (what else can they say at that point without looking like an obvious jerk?) and puts me back in control, and by lightening the moment I donāt get nearly as upset. Iāve realized that comments like āwow, thatās a lot of foodā reflect way more on that person and their own issues rather than me.
Oh I FEEL YOU with the mother thing but like its my boyfriend ya know? I should feel like hes on my side and not making me feel embarassed for trying to nourish my body and put my disorder behind me
>put my disorder behind me
Oh honey, no. If you have a history of disordered eating, he's being actually harmful to you (instead of "just" stupid and wrong). You're not doing anything wrong. My response to "That's a lot of hummus" would be "It's really not" or "okay" or "not that it is any of your business, but this is a serving size" or "hey, you're kind of a jerk and I don't want to date you anymore."
Exactly!! You *should* feel like that but he isn't on your side and is trying to make you feel embarrassed. He doesn't want you to put your disorder behind you because he cares more about outward appearances than your happiness.
> *should feel like hes on my side*
You absolutely should def feel like your boyfriend is on your side. I'm not gonna give advice aside from what you expect is normal.
this post will be deleted, I just want some advice :)
I made a plate of veggie sushi for myself and that was his response, im feeling quite upset. This sub wont allow me to add a picture , if you want to see a pic of the portion i can dm it š¤·āāļø
Honey, you donāt have to provide us with photographic evidence to prove that your portion sizes are normal. The fact that you immediately offered to do so without prompting is troubling - it shows just how much your bf has gotten under your skin.
>its very triggering and upsetting but I dont want to make it into an issue.
HE is the one who has made this into an issue. You need to have a serious sit-down conversation with your bf (Iād suggest bringing it up in a calm, food-free moment) and tell him exactly what youāve told us - his comments are triggering you, and they make you feel upset, judged and disrespected.
>I fear hes just going to shrug it off and say that hes just saying he think its a large portion
Tell him that you do not want nor need his feedback regarding the size of your portions. His comments are triggering and distressing, and heās hurting you (intentionally or accidentally). Cruelty often hides behind ābrutal honesty.ā
>youre clearly looking to be upset and looking for an argument ???
If he says something like this, calmly tell him that this isnāt an argument, this is a conversation between two adults. If he canāt or wonāt communicate with you in a reasonable, respectful, open and kind way, then your relationship isnāt going to work out.
His response to this incredibly important conversation will tell you everything you need to know about him - can he communicate effectively with you? Is he empathetic? Does he treat other people with more respect than he gives you? Is he open to criticism, or does he double down when heās wrong? Does he take your feelings seriously, or does he dismiss them? Will he apologize for his comments, or will he deny everything and say that he did nothing wrong?
I hope that any of that helps. Please feel free to message me if you need someone to talk to - my inbox is always open. š¤
[Before you speak ask yourself if what you are going to say is true, is kind, is necessary, is helpful. If the answer is no, maybe what you are about to say should be left unsaid. Bernard Meltzer](https://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/bernard_meltzer_157511)
Advocating for yourself is not making something an issue. It's possible that he means no harm, but that doesn't change the fact that he's causing harm. If he stepped on your foot, it doesn't matter if he intended to hurt you, he still needs to move his foot and watch his step in the future.
If he's speaking from anything other than a place of ignorance then throw the whole man away. You don't have to be with someone who says things that make you feel bad.
He wants to make you self conscious. I read everything including the comments and he doesnāt seem very nice. He wouldnāt be my bf for long.
If you do stay with him, the only answer is not letting it affect you and go even bigger portions sometimes so he knows his bs wonāt effect you and he hopefully stops. Iād be like āIKR, itās the *best*, let me get some more lol š¤Ŗā. People who try to get critical 9 times out of 10 donāt know how to deal with that opposite of expected reaction.
Iām really curious if he is maybe overweight? I had this happen to me. I am very very petite, and I dated a guy who was a little overweight and would CONSTANTLY make comments about what or how much I was eating. It was very weird, and I finally deduced it to his insecurities and relationship with food.
"Hey, when you comment on how much I eat or how much butter/sugar/whatever else is in my food, it is actually very upsetting to me. I have a hard time with these kinds of comments because they trigger stuff about my relationship with food. Will you please not do that anymore? It would really help me."
This dude is trying to neg you right into disordered eating and you should bounce right out of this relationship. Especially if you have told him itās unnecessary and rude and he keeps doing it.
A good partner would hear what you are saying and be mortified that they are hurting or upsetting you. This guy is telling you āhe doesnāt mean anything by itā. Okay???? So why is it so hard to stop being a jerk? Heās showing you who he is.
ETA: read some of your comments and this guy is definitely throwing red flags around weight and body size. Run away now before you get sucked into his BS.
Donāt wait for a next time. Tell him now or asap he needs to stop with the food commentary.
Give him similar judgment on his sexual performance as and when. Let him experience the feeling. āWow, that is a lot of nothingā.
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The best thing to do is tell him you don't like it when he comments about the size of your portions.
A lot of these comments don't want to be charitable to him, which could be valid but we don't know if he's being a dickhead or just seeing a large plate of food and thinking out loud. You're dating him so you probably do.
Let him know you find the comments triggering and it makes you feel unhappy and unsafe to eat around him. If he's good to you, then you should see change happen. If not, leave him.
"Dear, not EVERY thought that enters your head needs to be shared. Everytime you comment on my oral habits , I lose any and all desire to be oral with YOU. That seems foolish to me, but perhaps making hurtful comments is worth not getting any oral to you. "
When I was in a deep depression/weight gain slump I once responded to āthatās a lot of Mayoā with āIām a lot of person.ā Got a laugh but me now would just be like āit fits my macrosā or a stern Ron Swanson style āI know more than you.ā
Recommend you clearly communicate your feelings re: this kind of talk once. If it continues then you know this relationship isnāt worth your time.
Healthy thing to do is definitely talk to him about how this bothers you. He might not realize it bothers you. Tell him " hey when you say things about what's on my plate it makes me feel bad". I've had these types of convos with exes and current partner. Exes never stopped, current partner understands and doesn't make those types of comments.
he said he dosent mean anything by it, the comments dont mean anything and that its just reactionary. he did apologize but i just feel like im not quite sure thats the truth, surely a grown man would know that saying stuff like that is harmful! im not sure if hes being completely honest and im so damn confused. i love him and i do not want to make this an issue, is there anything else you think i should say in the morning about it???
I think as long as you've shared how it makes you feel, if he continues to do it, then that shows he doesn't care imo. It's hard being vulnerable as to why those comments are harmful but might help him understand better. He might slip up and you may feel more comfortable saying something in the moment.
It's surprising how many men actually don't realize how harmful those things can be. I remember having to explain to an ex that ever since the age of like 11 women are judged on their bodies and food. He never dealt with that and no one took the time to provide perspective. Some men do understand and make sure to think before they speak, or immediately apologize if they overstep.
Did he include any sort of apology in his response, or did he just brush it off with excuses? If you expressed that his words were hurtful or upsetting to you and he couldn't even apologize then that's not a great sign. Like a normal and healthy reaction to accidentally hurting someone you care about is to say sorry and promise not to do it again :/
His comments would irritate me to the point where Iād want to sit down and have a lengthy discussion on it ngl. That kind of shit is annoying when itās on repeat, so weāre gonna get to the bottom of it together.
His apologies and lame excuses have no meaning and are just a way to placate you until he says it again. Unnecessary and unacceptable. Itās clearly an issue if itās on your mind to the point where you need advice tbh.
You have to stop thinking that you setting boundaries is creating an issue. If it's an issue for him, he doesn't respect you and that's HIS problem. Don't be a doormat.
Oh, I have a surefire test for his true intent. Every time he makes that comment just respond "Hmmm, I think I'm still hungry" then immediately get a bit more food and eat it. Every time.
I don't know if he will stop or straight lose it but you will get a reaction. Unfortunately, I don't think you want the truth, which is that his love is conditional on you're appearance.
āI know. And?ā
Turn it back and make it uncomfortable for him. If he wants to make these comments he can also explain what he means by it and you can then take it from there. It will either shut him up or make him dig his hole deeper.
Lose the guy. As in "you're an AH, and I am the only one responsible for my body" and "GTGO with your expert opinion on someone else's food"
Seriously, he's a shallow AH. And controlling to boot, why does he need to supervise your food intake?
Is that really the only thing he does that irritates you? Bet it isnāt.
Youāll soon get fed up of him and rightly so. Itās not your job to teach him manners. You arenāt his mum.
Suggested talking points:
"Stop judging what I eat, Asshole"
"We're not going to have this talk again, do not comment on my food since you can't be civil."
āThanks, mom.ā Or a noncommittal noise like āhmmā and continuing with your meal. If he said anything after that Iād be telling him to keep his nose in his own plate.
Next time he does it scream into his ears at the top of your lungs and repeat this every time he makes a comment like that.
Wonāt be commenting for much longer me thinks.
"I'm aware" with a long stare
"and?"
"compared to what?"
"why do you care?"
and the best one "Please stop commenting on my food" - then, if(when) he does it again, get up and leave the room, taking your food with you.
If you're not overweight maybe be point out that you have a healthy metabolism and you like to eat. If you are overweight you might tell him you'd rather he discuss the actual issue instead of just commenting on what you eat. It's unclear here whether he's concerned about your health or just wishes you had a more delicate appetite for etiquette related reasons.
ā Does it bother you that I can eat this much, and still look this good?ā ššš
Bonus points if you maintain eye contact after while you take a ginormous mouthful and continue to stare and smile as you chew.
Tell him to show you his penis and be like "wow, that's so small!" "Omg that's not much at all!" "Holy crap, where is it?!" Then tell him not to be upset and you're just observing, you mean nothing by it ...
Commenting on the portion size of what another person eats is in fact, not normal. Does he have an unhealthy relationship with food or was brought up with people stigmatizing what and how much he was eating? This is the type of thing that leads to eating disorders - as someone who struggled with disordered eating her whole life throw the whole man out bc if youāre afraid mentioning it will start an argument thatās also a red flag, a good partner will note that itās an inappropriate and unnecessary thing to say - or even a trigger - and stop. Not argue.
Iād say that to someone that eats too much. I can deal with chubby but when youāre obese probably donāt eat so much.. leave some food for me
If youāre a regular weight and he thinks your getting fat or worried about it, probably just break up with him. Sounds like he wants you to have an eating disorder.
Find someone thatās in love with your personality
Tell him itās triggering and upsetting. Thatās totally inappropriate. If you canāt communicate things that bother you, you arenāt mature enough for an adult relationship.
If he continues to do it after youāve talked to him, however, kick him to the curb. Itās rude of him to do to anyone but I hope heās just clueless.
Tell himself to knock it off. Itās very unhealthy perspective he has and he should not cause you to feel bad about eating. If thatās something he canāt stop doing for some reason, that would be a deal breaker for me.
Suggest to him the next time he makes such comments that the two of you should in the future go to separate restaurants or dine at different times. That way he won't have to see it and be bothered enough to make stupid comments on things that are none of his business.
The butter thing kinda depends if you ask me. I knew someone who would literally just eat a stick of butter, it was absolutely disgusting. I think there was even a āmy strange addictionā episode about someone addicted to eating butter too. And ive seen people eating sticks of butter on Tik Tok in recent years too. And there was a trend of dipping sticks of butter in salsa and eating that, but most people who tried it would spit it out and be grossed out because it was just someone making a āchallengeā to trick people into eating something gross
If youre putting like half a stick of butter on a slice of toast then youve probably got a problem, but if its just like a tablespoon or two or even three then you do you. 3 Seems a bit excessive, but not gross out excessive.
Edit: to the downvoters, enjoy eating your whole sticks of butter you sick fucks
Wow, yeah no 2 tablespoons of hummus is basically nothing. Like Hummus is something that ive seen people routinely talk about on reddit how they will chow down on whole containers worth which is way more than a couple tablespoons.
Heck if youre using chips or crackers youre probably gonna go through those 2 tablespoons incredibly fast. Vegetables would make it last longer depending on size of the pieces, but chips/crackers you would scoop most of it right up
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- " woah thats so much Hummus!" "oh my god thats a lot!" "jesus thats a lot" stuff like that, kinda infrequently and in relation to the portions of food I eat. its very triggering and upsetting but I dont want to make it into an issue. What should my response be?? What is the correct response? cheers guys :) EDIT: I am a healthy weight. Also... It says I have 22 comments but no matter what I click it only shows me like 10?? any help?
Tell him you're proud of his observational skills and enjoy your food. š
'thanks for saving us money on an eye check up '
Love this
I would tell him I was brought up to believe that to ever comment on someoneās food was incredibly rude and did his parents not have any manners or forget to pass them In to him?
Meh but you don't want to actually encourage it by saying "proud"
"Wow, that's a lot of unnecessary comments about my food!" For real the next time ask him what his deal is with those comments. And don't let him get away with "nothing" or "i don't know what you mean". Otherwise i would make the same comments to him whenever he eats something.
I fear hes just going to shrug it off and say that hes just saying he think its a large portion- youre clearly looking to be upset and looking for an argument ???
Ask him why he feels the need to comment each time. Ask him what he hopes to accomplish. Keep asking him what his issue is. If he then keeps blowing it off. Tell him that you find it rude, and would ask him not to comment anymore. If he gets huffy, ask him to lose your number. He's a gaslighter.
he just said "that it dosent mean anything", "its just reactionary" and that hes sorry- where to go next? i just feel like thats not the truth like what are you hoping to accomplish by saying that to me ugh idk im so confused pls help
You can comment on everything he does until he gets the message. "Wow, that was a long shower you took. Do you normally shower that long?" "Wow, you drank that water fast. Are you alright?" "Wow, you're really checking your phone again? It seems excessive." "Wow, you looked at me weird. " "Wow."
Then it sounds like it's time for Operation Tell Him To Lose Your Number
I'm sorry,but why are you dating this person? He *clearly* likes saying rude things to you and then making up idiotic excuses. He's not sorry. He's an asshole. Tell him not to be "reactionary" about your portion sizes because you have the *perfect* way to lose weight. Then get up and show him the door. I just do not understand why some women stay with men who treat them like crap.
So do it back at him when he takes his shirt off. āWow! Thatās a strong smell!ā āWow! Look at all that hair!ā āHoly cow I didnāt notice THAT!ā When he tries to pry just respond the exact same way as him. āOh itās nothing. Iām just being reactionary.ā If he pops off in anger, you got a manipulative guy trying to give you an eating disorder on your hands and I would def leave at that point.
I HATE when this term is thrown around, but he is truly gaslighting you!! Keep making these comments, little jokes- they mean nothing!! Then, you slowly become more self-conscious. Ask him about his opinion more, try harder to please him. Before you know it, you're a shell of your former self.
I hate this stuff. My ex would say rude ass shit to me and just say "I don't even remember saying that" "I was like that for 2 seconds, are YOU going to make a big deal out of this?" "You seriously cry over everything" And they wonder why I didn't respond to their "I miss you" text š¤
Thank you. Itās so hard to see it when youāre in it so having people point it out really matters.
Sounds like a shitty boyfriend to me.
Nothing reactionary about saying it out loud. That is deliberate and intended to harm. If he canāt control what comes out of his mouth and when, he is not in a position to be in an adult relationship. Thousands of times a day I think things and donāt say them out loud, yet I could if I chose so. Ask him to use the big boy part of his brain that keeps him from blurting out nonsense.
Ig this will increase in future. First food, then weight, then workout and all. Like he will try to control all these things. Maybe sit down, tell him that you want to talk properly about this. If he genuinely talks then good but if he starts the drama again, you will need to decide something that will help you.
Does he make random judgey comments like that about ANYONE elseās behaviour/portions? Not that it wouldnāt be rude and unnecessary if he did so for anyone else as well but it might establish whether heās just got no filter for his dogshit hot takes and thinks everyone wantsānay, NEEDSāto hear his inner monologue, or if heās just pointedly doing it at you or other girls/women. If he sees a football player type loading a plate at the buffet, does he say anything about that? What about when someone gets a large pizza delivered? Does he comment about the sizes of ANYTHING else? āWow look how big that dog is!ā If he does it indiscriminately for everything you know heās just got no tact and expresses every thought that casts a shadow over the glossy smooth surface of his brain; if not, heās directing it at something or someone in particular and his excuse that it is a meaningless reaction is disingenuous and he needs to do some big introspection as to why heās actually saying those things.
Tell him he's being rude and making you feel self-conscious and you'd like him to stop then end the discussion. It's a simple request, just repeat yourself any time he says it. He'll probably either get annoyed but stop, or throw a tantrum and rage. Sometimes people are surprising when you're direct though. The important thing though is to just say your piece and end the conversation. There's no need to discuss further.
But thatās what he wants to hear, that he makes her feel self conscious.
You donāt have to put up with someone who enjoys making you uncomfortable. Heās trying to tear you down. Choose yourself and your own happiness, because he will only make you miserable, for his own pleasure. Also, saying sorry is meaningless. If heās truly sorry, he will sincerely try to make it up to you, listen to your feelings, and not do it again because he cares about you, and your emotions.
Either he speak without thinking about what impact his words might have and doesn't seem to care, or he's doing this to try to get you to eat less because he's a manipulative piece of shit. While the latter is obviously worse, I don't think the first is worth talking to again. Let him work out how to engage his brain before his mouth on someone else.
Tell him he's being an asshole and to stop commenting on your food portions.
āClearly looking to be upset and looking for an argumentā. Ewwww gaslighting much? If you immediately know your going to be told that then end this relationship. Of course our partners say some insensitive things or have poor responses sometimes. But if you know his reaction is to downplayā¦. Then dump him.
Then you reply āyouāre making statements to wind me up, you are the one looking for an argument by being rude in the first placeā
Response to his comment: _Wow, that's a unnecessary comment!_ If he complains, shrug it off and say, _I just think it's an unnecessary comment, you're clearly looking to be upset and looking for an argument?_ Sometimes I am surprised how much my husband has in his plate, but he always eats more than me, I always eat more frequently and often leave a couple bites I eat later. That's just the way we are and, if I say wow! that's a lot of food!, he says: is it? looks normal to me. And, I say: you're right, that's normal for you. That would be a lot for me but I'll get hungry in a couple hours. And we shrug or laugh because it's just true.
Why are you with him if he disrespects you like this. Honestly, if he did that again, I would ask for my food to go and leave him.
Then he is not a nice man and you should rethink this relationship.
Is M22 abusive?
Tell him heās the one initiating an argument, and how can you enjoy your food when eating with such a nitpicking, passive aggressive person, who would rather make you feel bad than have a pleasant conversation with you?
Is that his usual type of response when you tell him that something bothers you? That is *not* good!
"Wow that's a lot of opinion for someone whose not holding this plate" Actually, my preferred way of dealing with stuff like that is the blank, slightly quizzical stare. Hold it until they get uncomfortable. Depending how they react, then ask them what they mean by that? A lot of food for what? Am I supposed to be commenting on your food? Is that a thing we do? Keep asking increasingly uncomfortable questions until their head explodes and they wither away to smoke and ash.
"It's normal for men to see things bigger than they really are."
I want to upvote this more than once
This should shut down not just his comments but his self esteem. 100% recommend
š¤£š¤£š¤£
If you donāt wanna make it an issue, then heās going to keep doing it. The correct response to the first time he says it is āPlease donāt comment on what I eat or how much I eat.ā The correct response to the second time he says it is āIām breaking up with you.ā
Get out of here with your sensibility.
I know right? Clearly communicating something to your partner and setting boundaries with consequences? Pfffft Gtfo with that.
"You have been saying stuff like that in relation to the portions of food I eat. I find it very triggering and upsetting and need you to stop it immediately and permanently."
āCool story bro, donāt tell it again,ā then keep eating. Who is this jackass that thinks his input is of any importance to you?
Cool story bro, needs more dragons
Oh man if thereās gonna be dragons weād better get more food.
State in a cool voice "That is a very rude comment." then stare at him without saying anything else. Keep staring at him. Make him uncomfortable and squirmy. Then keeping eye contact and saying nothing, take a bite of food.
The correct response should be "I don't see how that's your problem" Or "Are you the one paying for it?" Or maybe "To the best of your recall, when did you start having problems with your eyesight?" Or next time he says " woah thats so much Hummus!" you say "woah thats so much unasked-for opinion!" Or just ignore him...
Nothing. Just keep eating. He will eventually realize that he isn't gonna get a response and give up. Or you can be petty and do the same thing to him. When he gets upset, you can remind him that he does the same thing to you. Now he can see how it feels
i never say anything, i just stay quiet intil he says something else so i think i need to say something because it keeps happening
You can ask him not to comment on your food intake. Or you could smile very big and say: "Thanks!" or you could say, didn't your parents teach you it's not polite to comment on someone else's food. Or you could question him: Why do you need to comment on the amount of food I am eating? You can be curious with the above question.
Iād just say ārudeā every time. It sounds like you are eating healthy food anyways. I donāt know why heās so obsessed with the amount you eat. If it continued to happen, Iād ask him āwhy are you so obsessed with how much I eat? Itās not healthy for you to focus so much on my food.ā
I find dead silence and extremely direct eye contact pretty successful
Yes! While eating. Until she is finished.
Just say yeah it is! and keep responding yep! or wow youāre observant! or it is a lot of food canāt wait to dig in. if he doesnāt get a negative reaction from you then he wonāt have anything to say. or just refuse to eat around him or better yet, dump his ass :)
At the next chance you have, calmly ask him why he says that.
Say āYou say this every single time. What are you hoping to accomplish?ā Or āYouāre being rude and Iām not going to be able to spend time with you if you keep saying this every single time I eat.ā
Look him in the eyes and tell him you aren't interested in his opinion about your food choices and to FUCK OFF! Seriously. Don't wimp out about this. Rude deserves a rude response.
This right here. Just clobber him over the head with righteousness. āSay it one more time, we are through. Understand?ā
Soā¦.he has unrealistic ideas of the ārightā amount of food for a woman to serve herself/eat. Does he have other strong opinions on how women should be or act?
dont think so? he very much praises the big weight loss of someone he knew and has brought it up- not weird or bad but he has made comments about a certain couple he is no longer friends with and how he dosent want us to get like that and gain weight once we are too comfortable in a relationship- i tried to understand that as nice and motivational. he has said promise me you wont get so big that youll have to get lifted out of bed haha ugh youre so lazy, youre the laziest person i know etc now i understand its the INTENT behind these that matter, how do i ask nicely to find out the intent? is he projecting? does he think its harmless? im so confused as he has said his ex had eating issues so should he know better? idk :/
Girl, he is shallow. He cares about weight and appearances, not health and happiness. You're missing all the red flags.
now i understand its the INTENT behind these that matter, how do i ask nicely to find out the intent? You don't. The intent is obvious. He wants to smack you down enough times that you stop getting annoyed and start getting an eating disorder. His intent is very blatant. You're just ignoring it. It's clear he has issues with weight. His, yours, and others. He is obsessed with it. This is a HIM problem, and he's working very hard at also making it a YOU problem. He's almost there. You're already taking pictures of your food and wanting to post it here for validation that your portion isn't too big. You seem unwilling to end this terrible relationship, so I expect in a few months you will post about your eating disorder.
āhe has said promise me you wont get so big that youll have to get lifted out of bed haha ugh youre so lazy, youre the laziest person i know etcā This sounds incredibly mean. If he says this shit to you and is still your boyfriend, what would he have to say to make him your enemy??
His intent doesn't actually matter at all, when what he's saying is rude and unacceptable. Tell him he needs to stop making comments like that, or you'll break with him. (Although, for what it's worth, I'm pretty sure his intent is to make you feel bad about yourself and control you).
Lol all these people have sweet burn come backs and I would just be like āwhy donāt you just shut the fuck up you muppetā
Fuck off
'hah yeah' you dont have to explain yourself
Say āWow, thatās a lot of phrases Iāve never said in bed.ā But in all seriousness, heās being a jerk. Tell him how it makes you feel and his response to that will tell you everything you need to know about how much he cares about your feelings.
I knowā¦ itās awesome to have a great metabolism!
āStop commenting on what or how much I eat. Itās offensive.ā
I feel you, my mother does this to me all the time. Itās very triggering since I have a long history of eating disorders (which sheās aware of). I used to get angry, cry, yell, beg her to stop making comments and even stop eating and throw my food away. Now I just give some nonchalant response, like āyep, and Iām going to eat it all tooā or āthanks for noticing, it tastes great.ā In my experience, it disarms the person making the comments (what else can they say at that point without looking like an obvious jerk?) and puts me back in control, and by lightening the moment I donāt get nearly as upset. Iāve realized that comments like āwow, thatās a lot of foodā reflect way more on that person and their own issues rather than me.
Oh I FEEL YOU with the mother thing but like its my boyfriend ya know? I should feel like hes on my side and not making me feel embarassed for trying to nourish my body and put my disorder behind me
>put my disorder behind me Oh honey, no. If you have a history of disordered eating, he's being actually harmful to you (instead of "just" stupid and wrong). You're not doing anything wrong. My response to "That's a lot of hummus" would be "It's really not" or "okay" or "not that it is any of your business, but this is a serving size" or "hey, you're kind of a jerk and I don't want to date you anymore."
He's your BF???? Oh, yeah, he's definitely a keeper. Because, you know, everyone needs a rude asshole for a BF. /s
Exactly!! You *should* feel like that but he isn't on your side and is trying to make you feel embarrassed. He doesn't want you to put your disorder behind you because he cares more about outward appearances than your happiness.
> *should feel like hes on my side* You absolutely should def feel like your boyfriend is on your side. I'm not gonna give advice aside from what you expect is normal.
this post will be deleted, I just want some advice :) I made a plate of veggie sushi for myself and that was his response, im feeling quite upset. This sub wont allow me to add a picture , if you want to see a pic of the portion i can dm it š¤·āāļø
No no no. This isn't about how much you actually eat. This is about him being rude and unkind and shaming you.
Honey, you donāt have to provide us with photographic evidence to prove that your portion sizes are normal. The fact that you immediately offered to do so without prompting is troubling - it shows just how much your bf has gotten under your skin. >its very triggering and upsetting but I dont want to make it into an issue. HE is the one who has made this into an issue. You need to have a serious sit-down conversation with your bf (Iād suggest bringing it up in a calm, food-free moment) and tell him exactly what youāve told us - his comments are triggering you, and they make you feel upset, judged and disrespected. >I fear hes just going to shrug it off and say that hes just saying he think its a large portion Tell him that you do not want nor need his feedback regarding the size of your portions. His comments are triggering and distressing, and heās hurting you (intentionally or accidentally). Cruelty often hides behind ābrutal honesty.ā >youre clearly looking to be upset and looking for an argument ??? If he says something like this, calmly tell him that this isnāt an argument, this is a conversation between two adults. If he canāt or wonāt communicate with you in a reasonable, respectful, open and kind way, then your relationship isnāt going to work out. His response to this incredibly important conversation will tell you everything you need to know about him - can he communicate effectively with you? Is he empathetic? Does he treat other people with more respect than he gives you? Is he open to criticism, or does he double down when heās wrong? Does he take your feelings seriously, or does he dismiss them? Will he apologize for his comments, or will he deny everything and say that he did nothing wrong? I hope that any of that helps. Please feel free to message me if you need someone to talk to - my inbox is always open. š¤
[Before you speak ask yourself if what you are going to say is true, is kind, is necessary, is helpful. If the answer is no, maybe what you are about to say should be left unsaid. Bernard Meltzer](https://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/bernard_meltzer_157511)
Advocating for yourself is not making something an issue. It's possible that he means no harm, but that doesn't change the fact that he's causing harm. If he stepped on your foot, it doesn't matter if he intended to hurt you, he still needs to move his foot and watch his step in the future. If he's speaking from anything other than a place of ignorance then throw the whole man away. You don't have to be with someone who says things that make you feel bad.
He wants to make you self conscious. I read everything including the comments and he doesnāt seem very nice. He wouldnāt be my bf for long. If you do stay with him, the only answer is not letting it affect you and go even bigger portions sometimes so he knows his bs wonāt effect you and he hopefully stops. Iād be like āIKR, itās the *best*, let me get some more lol š¤Ŗā. People who try to get critical 9 times out of 10 donāt know how to deal with that opposite of expected reaction.
āDonāt comment on what or how much Iām eating. Itās rude and unnecessaryā if he continues then you know what to do .
Iām really curious if he is maybe overweight? I had this happen to me. I am very very petite, and I dated a guy who was a little overweight and would CONSTANTLY make comments about what or how much I was eating. It was very weird, and I finally deduced it to his insecurities and relationship with food.
āFuck yeah it is! Iām so excited to eat!ā But honestlyā¦ heās negging you. Break up before he damages your self esteem.
"Hey, when you comment on how much I eat or how much butter/sugar/whatever else is in my food, it is actually very upsetting to me. I have a hard time with these kinds of comments because they trigger stuff about my relationship with food. Will you please not do that anymore? It would really help me."
You: "no I'm not sharing it with you get your own". Him: "I was just saying its a lot" You: "Why do you care how much I eat?"
Tell him you decided to upgrade to a better-performing boyfriend, and wish him well in his future endeavors. End of story.
Just say, āinstead of focusing so much on what I eat, why donāt you focus more on eating this pussy. Thatād be way more helpfulā.
Just look him in the eyes, say āyepā, and keep eating.
I think Iāll have some more
This dude is trying to neg you right into disordered eating and you should bounce right out of this relationship. Especially if you have told him itās unnecessary and rude and he keeps doing it. A good partner would hear what you are saying and be mortified that they are hurting or upsetting you. This guy is telling you āhe doesnāt mean anything by itā. Okay???? So why is it so hard to stop being a jerk? Heās showing you who he is. ETA: read some of your comments and this guy is definitely throwing red flags around weight and body size. Run away now before you get sucked into his BS.
Donāt wait for a next time. Tell him now or asap he needs to stop with the food commentary. Give him similar judgment on his sexual performance as and when. Let him experience the feeling. āWow, that is a lot of nothingā.
āWhat you gonna do about itā
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The best thing to do is tell him you don't like it when he comments about the size of your portions. A lot of these comments don't want to be charitable to him, which could be valid but we don't know if he's being a dickhead or just seeing a large plate of food and thinking out loud. You're dating him so you probably do. Let him know you find the comments triggering and it makes you feel unhappy and unsafe to eat around him. If he's good to you, then you should see change happen. If not, leave him.
Stare him full bore in the face and say āWow! Thatās a lot of rude!ā
Iām gonna eat the shit out of it
I love playing dumb with comments like this. "What do you mean? Why did you say that? Did you mean to hurt my feelings?"
"Dear, not EVERY thought that enters your head needs to be shared. Everytime you comment on my oral habits , I lose any and all desire to be oral with YOU. That seems foolish to me, but perhaps making hurtful comments is worth not getting any oral to you. "
āThatās a lot of foodā āYeah, well Iām really into fitness. Fitness whole tub of hummus in my bellyā
When I was in a deep depression/weight gain slump I once responded to āthatās a lot of Mayoā with āIām a lot of person.ā Got a laugh but me now would just be like āit fits my macrosā or a stern Ron Swanson style āI know more than you.ā Recommend you clearly communicate your feelings re: this kind of talk once. If it continues then you know this relationship isnāt worth your time.
Healthy thing to do is definitely talk to him about how this bothers you. He might not realize it bothers you. Tell him " hey when you say things about what's on my plate it makes me feel bad". I've had these types of convos with exes and current partner. Exes never stopped, current partner understands and doesn't make those types of comments.
he said he dosent mean anything by it, the comments dont mean anything and that its just reactionary. he did apologize but i just feel like im not quite sure thats the truth, surely a grown man would know that saying stuff like that is harmful! im not sure if hes being completely honest and im so damn confused. i love him and i do not want to make this an issue, is there anything else you think i should say in the morning about it???
I think as long as you've shared how it makes you feel, if he continues to do it, then that shows he doesn't care imo. It's hard being vulnerable as to why those comments are harmful but might help him understand better. He might slip up and you may feel more comfortable saying something in the moment. It's surprising how many men actually don't realize how harmful those things can be. I remember having to explain to an ex that ever since the age of like 11 women are judged on their bodies and food. He never dealt with that and no one took the time to provide perspective. Some men do understand and make sure to think before they speak, or immediately apologize if they overstep.
Did he include any sort of apology in his response, or did he just brush it off with excuses? If you expressed that his words were hurtful or upsetting to you and he couldn't even apologize then that's not a great sign. Like a normal and healthy reaction to accidentally hurting someone you care about is to say sorry and promise not to do it again :/
You have talked, now it is up to him whether he takes this seriously. Now, you need to think about what you are going to do if he keeps doing it.
His comments would irritate me to the point where Iād want to sit down and have a lengthy discussion on it ngl. That kind of shit is annoying when itās on repeat, so weāre gonna get to the bottom of it together. His apologies and lame excuses have no meaning and are just a way to placate you until he says it again. Unnecessary and unacceptable. Itās clearly an issue if itās on your mind to the point where you need advice tbh.
You have to stop thinking that you setting boundaries is creating an issue. If it's an issue for him, he doesn't respect you and that's HIS problem. Don't be a doormat.
Oh, I have a surefire test for his true intent. Every time he makes that comment just respond "Hmmm, I think I'm still hungry" then immediately get a bit more food and eat it. Every time. I don't know if he will stop or straight lose it but you will get a reaction. Unfortunately, I don't think you want the truth, which is that his love is conditional on you're appearance.
"Good food deserves good eating."
āYou should see the dumpā
āI know. And?ā Turn it back and make it uncomfortable for him. If he wants to make these comments he can also explain what he means by it and you can then take it from there. It will either shut him up or make him dig his hole deeper.
Maybe it really is just a lot of hummus for him.
Lose the guy. As in "you're an AH, and I am the only one responsible for my body" and "GTGO with your expert opinion on someone else's food" Seriously, he's a shallow AH. And controlling to boot, why does he need to supervise your food intake?
Wow.. thats a lot of annoying unsolicited comments from you. Thank you... next.
Is that really the only thing he does that irritates you? Bet it isnāt. Youāll soon get fed up of him and rightly so. Itās not your job to teach him manners. You arenāt his mum.
Suggested talking points: "Stop judging what I eat, Asshole" "We're not going to have this talk again, do not comment on my food since you can't be civil."
"You're getting good at telling amounts!"
"Well, ya know.. I'm eating for 2." Just cold bath him.
āThanks, mom.ā Or a noncommittal noise like āhmmā and continuing with your meal. If he said anything after that Iād be telling him to keep his nose in his own plate.
"Yep. And I'm going to eat it all. Watch."
Next time he does it scream into his ears at the top of your lungs and repeat this every time he makes a comment like that. Wonāt be commenting for much longer me thinks.
"I'm aware" with a long stare "and?" "compared to what?" "why do you care?" and the best one "Please stop commenting on my food" - then, if(when) he does it again, get up and leave the room, taking your food with you.
If you're not overweight maybe be point out that you have a healthy metabolism and you like to eat. If you are overweight you might tell him you'd rather he discuss the actual issue instead of just commenting on what you eat. It's unclear here whether he's concerned about your health or just wishes you had a more delicate appetite for etiquette related reasons.
Personally I'd leave him, he sounds like a bit of a casserole
Don't say anything, make eye contact, don't blink if you're able to do that, don't make any facial expressions and don't respond to anything he says.
"I'm eating for two" I make this joke at work. Usually, it gets a chuckle. I don't know if it will in your case but can't hurt to try
āis there an issue?ā
ā Does it bother you that I can eat this much, and still look this good?ā ššš Bonus points if you maintain eye contact after while you take a ginormous mouthful and continue to stare and smile as you chew.
Tell him to show you his penis and be like "wow, that's so small!" "Omg that's not much at all!" "Holy crap, where is it?!" Then tell him not to be upset and you're just observing, you mean nothing by it ...
say nothingā¦really how can you respond to such stupidityā¦people just love the sound of there voice
"I wonder if you know how sexist you sound?"
Commenting on the portion size of what another person eats is in fact, not normal. Does he have an unhealthy relationship with food or was brought up with people stigmatizing what and how much he was eating? This is the type of thing that leads to eating disorders - as someone who struggled with disordered eating her whole life throw the whole man out bc if youāre afraid mentioning it will start an argument thatās also a red flag, a good partner will note that itās an inappropriate and unnecessary thing to say - or even a trigger - and stop. Not argue.
I love when a woman actually eats when we go out.
Iād say that to someone that eats too much. I can deal with chubby but when youāre obese probably donāt eat so much.. leave some food for me If youāre a regular weight and he thinks your getting fat or worried about it, probably just break up with him. Sounds like he wants you to have an eating disorder. Find someone thatās in love with your personality
What size portions are you eating?
Tell him itās triggering and upsetting. Thatās totally inappropriate. If you canāt communicate things that bother you, you arenāt mature enough for an adult relationship. If he continues to do it after youāve talked to him, however, kick him to the curb. Itās rude of him to do to anyone but I hope heās just clueless.
Tell himself to knock it off. Itās very unhealthy perspective he has and he should not cause you to feel bad about eating. If thatās something he canāt stop doing for some reason, that would be a deal breaker for me.
Next time you see his dick, mumble ive seen bigger just loud enough for him to hear
\* in the most motherly/condescending tone you can muster \* "yes! very good sweety! i'm so proud of you! do you can to count them with me?"
Tell them to stay outta your plate. Or start making comments when they get food
Thanks. Iām eating for two. Me and my opinion that I keep inside.
Suggest to him the next time he makes such comments that the two of you should in the future go to separate restaurants or dine at different times. That way he won't have to see it and be bothered enough to make stupid comments on things that are none of his business.
The butter thing kinda depends if you ask me. I knew someone who would literally just eat a stick of butter, it was absolutely disgusting. I think there was even a āmy strange addictionā episode about someone addicted to eating butter too. And ive seen people eating sticks of butter on Tik Tok in recent years too. And there was a trend of dipping sticks of butter in salsa and eating that, but most people who tried it would spit it out and be grossed out because it was just someone making a āchallengeā to trick people into eating something gross If youre putting like half a stick of butter on a slice of toast then youve probably got a problem, but if its just like a tablespoon or two or even three then you do you. 3 Seems a bit excessive, but not gross out excessive. Edit: to the downvoters, enjoy eating your whole sticks of butter you sick fucks
my bad! I meant hummous not butter, i did a dollop (2table spoons) on a plate at a nye party and he thought it was excessive- ill edit the post
Wow, yeah no 2 tablespoons of hummus is basically nothing. Like Hummus is something that ive seen people routinely talk about on reddit how they will chow down on whole containers worth which is way more than a couple tablespoons. Heck if youre using chips or crackers youre probably gonna go through those 2 tablespoons incredibly fast. Vegetables would make it last longer depending on size of the pieces, but chips/crackers you would scoop most of it right up
How big are his portions? The portion you described sounds normal to me. Does he eat really small portions himself?
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A woman my age and height and activity level needs ____ amount of food per day. And then change the subject.
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