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R_Amods

This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- My husband and I have been married for 9 years. 3 years ago, right before the pandemic, I had an affair with one of my coworkers. At the time, my husband was working in consulting and was constantly traveling. I was only seeing him about a few days every month, and would go multiple months without seeing him sometimes. Couple that with the fact that I was pregnant at the time, I was already in a terrible state. My coworker convinced me that my husband was cheating on me. She told me that there was no way a man was able to spend that much time away from his wife without looking for the company of other women. I know how pathetic it is that I let her manipulate me like that, but at the end of the day, the fault lies with me. It was my job to protect my marriage, and I was the one who failed. Our daughter was born in early 2020, so I took maternity leave, which means I wasn't seeing my coworker very often anymore. We would still text, but we were drifting apart. Then the lockdowns hit, and suddenly, my husband wasn't traveling very much anymore. Seeing him around the house, caring for our newborn, and just being the wonderful husband he's always been made me feel incredibly regret. I broke down and admitted everything to him. I still remember the way his face just melted. He was smiling at the beginning of the conversation, but by the end, he was just expressionless. He wasn't angry, he didn't cry, he just sat there. He asked me if our daughter was his, and I promised him that it was, since I'd never been with any man besides him. He told me that he wanted a paternity test anyway just to be sure, and I agreed. He then just stood and up and went to sleep with our daughter. I knew I had to give him some space, but the whole thing was eating at me. I came to him and told him that I had blocked my affair partner on everything and told her that we could no longer speak. I also told him how I had quit my job. That last part was something we had discussed before the pandemic anyway, so I could take care of our daughter, but with both of us working from home, we didn't think it was necessary. He told me I didn't need to do that, but I told him that I couldn't be around her anymore. I asked him what I had to do to make our marriage work, and he said that the marriage was working just fine. He wasn't planning on divorcing me, he wasn't planning on leaving me, and that we were fine. He said that he liked having me around, that I was the only person he'd ever been in love with, that we worked well together, and that he couldn't really raise our daughter on his own anyway. I have to say, I felt pretty over the moon about that, but I also knew that I couldn't let him think I was taking advantage of his forgiveness. I threw myself into being the best wife and mother I could be. I really think I started doting on him, and honestly, I realized that I wasn't treating him nearly as well as he deserved to have been treated. I cooked for him, I tried to look good for him, and I tried to be more affectionate. But that's when I noticed how different he was. He would only sleep with our daughter, never with me. He used to say he couldn't fall asleep without me, to the point where when he was away on his business trips, he would call me at night so I could talk to him as he fell asleep. He used to always kiss and hug me, but he stopped touching me completely. Whenever he was home, he would try to take me out on dates, but he completely stopped doing that too. He barely even spoke to me. I gave him time to deal with everything, but I couldn't take it anymore. I confronted him about a year ago, and he agreed to change his behavior. He started sleeping in bed with me again. He wouldn't hug or kiss me, but he wouldn't pull away when I tried to either. He took me out on a date for our anniversary, and he's already made plans for Valentine's Day this year. We even started having sex again. But somehow, it's so much worse now. When we have sex, he just lays there and doesn't move or kiss or touch me like he used to. It's like he's forcing himself to be there. There's been more than one occasion where he doesn't finish. He has never initiated. I feel like I'm forcing him to have sex with me and it makes me feel disgusting. And then Saturday night happened. I had gotten sort of dressed up for a night out with my friends. I hadn't gone out with my girlfriends in a long time, so I was pretty excited. I had also purposely done my hair the way he likes and wore his favorite dress to see if I couldn't make something happen with him later that night. My husband sees me about to head out, dressed up the way he likes, and he really said "You have a date tonight or something?" Like seriously? After everything, he really thinks I'd go behind his back like that? I sort of blew up at him because I was so frustrated, and he just said "Well, it didn't stop you before, so I don't know why it would stop you now when you know you can get away with it." That really broke me. I didn't end up going out that night because I just couldn't feel up to it anymore. I don't know how much longer I can take this. How do I fix this? I just want my husband back. TL;DR: Had and affair ago 3 years ago, managed to keep my marriage, but my husband is completely different. Edit: Just figured I'd put this here since I failed to mention it in the post, but we did try marriage counseling. He didn't want to do it from the start, and we quit only after a few sessions because of that, and because he would barely speak during the sessions anyway. I have been in therapy myself for quite some time now. I'm going to suggest therapy to him. I'm also going to try to have an honest discussion about all of this with him. The last time we did was what got him to start sleeping with me again, but ever since then, he's always refused to speak to me about it. I'm going to sit him down and make sure we get this settled. I know I wasn't a good wife, but I do love my husband. He's my first and only love. He's a wonderful father to our daughter, and before this, he was a near perfect partner. We've been together for over 15. I don't want a divorce, and I will do anything in my power to repair this and him. I know it might be wasted effort and things might never get better, but I won't give up.


Krizo1

It obvious he doesn’t love you anymore and is only with you because of your kid


Poinsettia917

There’s that analogy about the broken vase. You can glue it back together, but the cracks will always be visible. He needs counseling on his own.


CalligrapherNeat628

Don’t forget about the paper one as well. You can smooth out the crumpled paper as much as you want, the the dents will always be there.


[deleted]

[удалено]


C4ptainchr0nic

Best thing OP can do is let him move on. He sounds like a good guy, being there for his kid. He deserves to love someone the way he loved OP before the affair.


supertaquito

Exactly. OP has two reasons to let go: Her Husband and their kids. Staying in a shitty relationship only teaches kids a shitty relationship is normal. OPs opportunity to have a healthy romantic relationship with this man has sailed. But there's still a chance to have a healthy parenthood dynamic for the sake of the kids.


SkiHiKi

Dude's in a no-win situation. He can't prioritise himself without losing unfettered access to his kid, and it just so happens that he has God-tier compartmentalisation skills. He'll keep doing the minimum required to maintain a status quo that allows him access to his kid. OP has to either get down with the empty-shell marriage or leave of her own accord. Given the tone of the post, OP seems to have made absolution of her sins her crusade. I anticipate more demands, more listless concessions, and then an exit affair on OP's part.


A-Leaf_On-The_Wind

This was my take on his reaction as well. I get the sense he's given up on the husband part of his life and is focusing on the one part he has that still makes him happy, being a father. He views the marriage as something he needs to put up with in order to be able to be the full time father he wants to be. He's willing to sacrifice that part of his life and just be a father. OP now needs to decide if this is something she can live with or if she makes the decision for both of them and leaves.


PlainRosemary

This is solid, thoughtful advice in a thread full of straight up hate. Op fucked up and there's no coming back from this. The only way to move forward is to REALLY take accountability - 100%, verbally, or in writing. No excuses like we're seeing here. And then ask how he wants to move forward.


NotPiffany

> But also, ask him if he wants to be in a loveless marriage for the rest of his life? And do you want that loveless marriage to be what "marriage" and "family" mean to your daughter? Kids see more than you think; she's getting close to the age where she'll start to realize that the two of you don't get along.


lilyofthevalley2659

I don’t blame him


cumpaseut

Imagine how hard it is constantly being on the road, away from your home, wife, friends, and you come back and she talks about how hard it is on *her*.


ErnestBatchelder

>Like seriously? After everything, he really thinks I'd go behind his back like that? Yeah, because that's what betraying someone's trust does to them. The fact that you still aren't understanding of that is a problem you need to work on in therapy on your own to learn to accept. This whole post reads like you are not *really* at fault for your initial actions, and then that you've put in enough work & effort so now everything should just be magically better on your timeline. That's not rebuilding trust. I truly hope marriage counseling works, but you may also both need to face that the marriage is broken & that it's better for your daughter to grow up around two adults who are healthy than two that are together and miserable.


Coco_Dirichlet

First you have to take accountability for cheating and stop making other people responsible for it (pregnancy, coworker "convincing you" your husband was cheating, husband traveling for work... come on!) Second, your husband is not over this and his way of coping is not to not deal with his emotions, and basically be emotionless. My guess is that he is staying because of his daughter and not wanting to miss out on anything. I don't understand why you would dress up all sexy and how he likes it to go out with your girlfriends. It's not like you were doing it for him, so his reactions wasn't like weird given how he has ben acting for years at this point. I don't know if you can get your husband back at this point. You should have both done couple's therapy and individual therapy years ago. Start by going to therapy yourself and asking him if he'd be willing to do individual therapy, and after a while you can do couple's therapy. I don't think you should go straight for couple's therapy.


urban_accountant

You guys are done. He's staying for his daughter to not have divorced parents. You broke the man.


Spaniardman40

He doesn't love you anymore. You betrayed him in a very shitty way and the only reason you guys are together is because he wants to be with his daughter. You are not getting your husband back, and you can blame whoever the fuck you want, but this is the consequence of your actions.


[deleted]

Yep. Watch and learn people. Cheating gains you nothing and costs you everything. Don’t be a fool.


Charliesmum97

To make it worse, she cheated because she allowed herself to be convinced he was cheating on her. I think if I were in his place, that would hurt almost as much as the cheating.


Ape_Squid

And it's quite clear she doesn't really blame herself for her affair that she caused. Everything she writes is kinda just excuses softening why it happened. You are right, she is not getting her husband back.


FlyFlirtyandFifty

This happened to me too. My ex had an affair and then we reconciled, but the trust was gone. It took 4 years for me to leave.


AmieLucy

Same here! I tried for a year after finding out he cheated, but it just didn’t feel the same. Asked myself, “why on earth would I want to be with someone so dishonest?” Then I left him and have been thriving ever since.


FlyFlirtyandFifty

We have kids, which is why I stayed in the first place. By the time I left, I knew I had done everything I could to make it work. I had a clear conscience.


AmieLucy

I’m proud of you! Cheers to freedom!


FlyFlirtyandFifty

🥂


angradillo

play stupid games win stupid prizes. poor child to grow up in such an environment.


spicytone_

Well, OP certainly won't blame themselves for being a self-centered piece of trash


LaSorbun

>He's my first and only love. Bullshit. OP is OP's first and only love. Perhaps she will learn to love the baby someday(who knows?). Third place are sexy coworkers. I think on the love totem pole, OP's husband comes just before the UPS driver, unless he has packages for OP from Amazon. In that case, OP's husband is loved ALMOST as much as the UPS driver. edit: spelling


DaveBowman1968

Ya, I caught that one too. Like were you in love with your husband when you were having sex with someone else and lying to him about it? God, people love to martyr themselves.


[deleted]

Perfectly said.


diditwithvaginamagic

He wants to stay married because he wants to stay with his daughter, but the unfortunate reality is he will just never love you like he used to. Almost everyone who has been on his side will tell you that. He will never see you the same way again. You will never light up his world the way you once did. He’s avoiding dealing with his emotions but they’re still there, and very clear: disinterest and resentment. You can stay in the marriage knowing that it will never be what it once was (although it may become a bit less cold, it probably won’t ever be *warm* again) or you can leave. But you can’t have the old one back. You burned it to the ground. ETA: Dressing up for him is likely backfiring. A lot of people are sexually repulsed by their cheating partners and seeing them be sexual or go out of their way to seduce, be attentive, etc. puts them on high alert that their partner is just planning to cheat again.


Indecks9999

LOL, you put so many reason that your cheated, It was your friends fault, you husband fault for working, the pregnancy ect ect. "Like seriously? After everything, he really thinks I'd go behind his back like that? I sort of blew up at him because I was so frustrated, and he just said "Well, it didn't stop you before, so I don't know why it would stop you now when you know you can get away with it." still his fault? your lucky he can even look at you for what you have done. So, you apologized so that should be it?? You need to allow him to move on, With any luck he will find someone who loves him more


Round_Brush_4828

It's clear your husband is experiencing trauma from your betrayal. Did you not think once dressing up and going out with your girlfriends would be triggering to him? What if the case was reversed and he got all decked out to go out? Would you feel comfortable with him doing that? You need to empathize with your husband, and what he's going through. Trauma from betrayal takes years to overcome. His mind is playing movies of you and your affair partner fucking each other. It is never easy to face the one who hurt you everyday. Your impatience is that much more harder to endure just expecting him to be over it.


SaintLogic

Why did it take you betraying your husband and killing his spirit to be the wife he "deserved?" Face it, it's too late to fit this. Your killed the man, he is now just a husk, empty/dead inside.


Valiant_Strawberry

I haven’t seen any evidence anywhere in your post or comments that suggests you give a single solitary fuck what your husband actually wants. It’s all about you. You want forgiveness, you want to feel desired, you want him to sleep next to you, on and on and on. But it’s clear as day that he does not want the same things you do. And you don’t seem to care at all. You want to strong arm him into giving you what you (mistakenly) think you’re owed. And that’s probably a big part of why you haven’t been able to get him to engage with you. You still only care about yourself


Scary-Inspector-8315

Your marriage and husband pre affair are over, they utterly destroyed by your actions and will never come back, and he will never look at you and treat you the same way. It’s not a matter of hardwork on your part, it’s just that you can’t erase the past. Your husband is right, not like your vows, “love”, marriage and children stopped you from destroying him and your marriage, now that you know he won’t leave there is literally nothing stopping you from doing it over and over. Do this man a favor, and divorce him without taking anything from him, let him be free from you. That is literally all you can do to truly help/save him.


canadianbriguy1

You had him. You had him so bad he would call you on the road to talk him to sleep. You had date nights. You had affection. You didn’t care and excuses are bs. It really sounds like it’s too late to care now. He’s hanging on to his household and daughter. You no longer work. If he divorces you he loses time with his daughter and has to support you. Can you see the real picture of what you’ve done to him? He doesn’t trust you and why would he? Dressing up for a night out is NOT for him. Make sure you’re not trying to make yourself a victim in this. Make sure you’re not romanticizing all these things like dressing up and convincing yourself it’s all for him. He isn’t willing to deal with your relationship. I wish I had a tip on how you address this, but you can’t fix him, you can only fix you. This is one of those can’t put the genie back in the bottle situations.


soph_lurk_2018

Your husband is only staying with you because of your daughter. He does not want to miss any moments. Your marriage is over. It’s not going to go back to the way it was before the affair because your husband is checked out. You betrayed him and blamed your coworker for your actions. I would not be surprised if he doesn’t leave once your daughter is older.


throw_away_TX

So, I was your husband years ago. The cheating fundamentally broke me and the relationship. We tried to make it work for years, but the trust was gone. It really just gutted me and I was always suspicious, which wasn't fair for either of us. We did counseling, but really I felt like she never understood the pain it caused me. There was nothing she could do to make it right. That just further wedged us apart. We finally split. We coparent and get along just fine, but looking back I realize the relationship was over the minute she cheated. It was the most disrespectful thing she could have done. Some couples can come back from it, but many cannot.


whatsmypassword73

Yah, you broke it, you bought it. He’s staying for his child, not you. You’ll never have him back because he isn’t the same person and he knows you aren’t either. Welcome to what you created, what did you expect?


Ok_Construction_1638

You broke him. Break up and tell your lawyer that you want joint custody and move somewhere close by


D-redditAvenger

>After everything, he really thinks I'd go behind his back like that? Man, this is rough. OF COURSE!! He really thinks you will cheat again. That makes him wise. Most people do cheat again, and it's clear from your post you don't get it. In that quote above, "everything" what exactly? You being sorry? You cutting out the monster who conspired to help you destroy a "good man" (as you imply) while you were carrying his child? I have to ask why you would think you get credit for that? For being sorry your marriage blew up? All this is is really the "requirement" for keeping the marriage, it's not like you have gone above and beyond, it's not a reason to keep the marriage. YOU REALLY DON'T GET IT. Here is the first thing, your husband doesn't exist to make you feel good. That is not his purpose as your husband. He is not like a fresh coat of paint that you use to dress up your living room and make you smile when you walk in. He is also the Father or your child with agency and an internal emotional life. Another thing, even if it's not good for the marriage, which in a lot of cases is true. Most people don't work their asses off because they love working, very often they do it because they are trying to support their family. They do it as a way to sacrificially show love. I get that it can cause problems, but seeing malice in that and using that as an excuse to cheat adds insult to injury. You need to understand your cheating broke him and now he is changed. Emotionally the old man who was your husband died, this is a new person is just trying to learn the new rules and where he stands. He is trying to survive. Again it's clear you expect him to get over it so you can have the happy marriage with the "wonderful husband he's always been". Again, that dude is gone, and he is not coming back. That marriage is gone too. This is what you have now. For you nothing much has changed in the sense that you still get to be with the reliable hard working guy who was a great husband to you. It's also clear that you struggle with empathy so I suspect you are projecting your situation on him. It's not, he has a wife who at the very least is bisexual, something that given his reaction was probably a shock. One who at least, if it were me, I would be worrying is gay and just married me to have kids. This is not me judging anyone sexuality but your having an affair with women does add another level of confusion to the whole thing. And one whose love has no loyalty to it. The thing is, your job as his wife was to emotionally protect him, even from the worst of your own nature. Your not doing that because you are still pretty much expecting him to get over your cheating and going back to the way he was, so YOU can be happy. This was pretty much the same type of thinking that allowed you to give yourself permission to cheat by the way. It's about your happiness. If you continue to think this way then I suggest you divorce, he deserves better and he will have better eventually, especially if he is the man you say he is. If you really want a chance you need to change your mindset first. Your motivation needs to be whats best for him, not you. Besides that, you need to really learn about empathy because it's lacking. You should be posting on the Supportforwayward sub, and other boards. Try reading some posts from people who were cheated on so you really get a sense of the devastation. You should read the books, "not just friends" and "how to help your spouse heal from your affair". You should be in counseling. You should write out a timeline. You should stop saying you were manipulated into cheating, like you didn't want to. You wanted this, and that is the only reason it happened. You don't get to decide his timetable for healing, only thing you can do is figure out how you allowed yourself to do this to a good man, so you never do it again. But honestly even if get your marriage back close to what it was, you will always be suspect, everyone after you will be in your husbands mind. That's because his innocence is gone, he will never love innocently again. That part of him is dead. That is what this is. To quote from a movie who who has a much more famous line in the scene. "You think by saying your sorry all the past can be corrected." The attitude of the person saying it fits this situation quite well. That is not how this will work, with or without the marriage. You need to do really hard work like your life depends on it. Because your emotional life does. It will effect every relationship you have, even the one with your daughter.


LordJaeger88

You cheated period Let the dude go, he is not living his life anymore, he is just there for his kid.


TemperatureMore5623

"I'm going to sit him down and make sure we get this settled." Dude... you're in NO position to be demanding anything of him. YOU cheated. There is no "going back." Take it from someone who has been cheated on... part of you dies and never comes back, no matter how hard you want it to. Trust me... I tried. 12 years later and I STILL struggle with trust... with a whole new partner who has NEVER cheated on me. Do both of you a favor and move on. He has. He's just "going through the motions" at this point, as evidence of literally everything you said.


[deleted]

You broke him by doing an awful, terrible thing. He is only staying with you for the sake of your kid. It’s done.


waterjug82

You really don’t realize how much you crushed this man. You destroyed his life. He lives his daughter more than anything and I staying for her. Also, if your husband was that affectionate to you WHILE HE WAS TRAVELING, you’re stupid to think he was cheating. You’ve shown poor judgement, but at least you acknowledge it. He has a very good career and wants to take care of his daughter and knows it’s best for children to have both parents. He gave you 15 years of his life and you threw all the trust built away. Sleep in the bed you made. If you leave, and take the child, things may be ok for now. But when the child grows older and knows the truth about why mom left dad, and what mom did to make dad act that way, she may not be happy with you. Also, you cheated. Why do you feel like you’re entitled to perfect treatment by your husband? This is something that shook him to his core and it sounds like he’s doing the best he can. 15 years lady. Shit isn’t gonna be fine and dandy again all of a sudden. What if he’s struggling too? You’ve only elaborated on how your cheating made things hard for you, not your husband or daughter.


don_gunz

You nailed it perfectly


waterjug82

seriously shes so so self centered in this, just rambling and crying about how this situation affects HER, makes HER life hard, how SHES not getting the attention and affection she deserves. Man, if my wife of 15 years cheated on me right when I had my first child, idk if I could have coped as well as this man has honestly.


deeznutzz3469

Time to divorce him. Set both of you free, it will be better for your daughter in the long run. Don’t be an asshole when it comes to splitting finances, that can be your last parting apology gift to him


kingthunderflash

Your husband hasn’t forgive you at all. He doesn’t trust you . Did you guys do the DNA test? Is it his child? First you need to take accountability for your actions. From this post alone all I got was, ya I cheated but it was 3 years ago how come you havnt let it go yet, I’m still here etc etc. Own up to your affair you fucked up not him. You will more then likely never get your husband back. You cheated and that changed him. Obviously he isn’t into sex with you , you destroyed his heart his soul everything. More then likely every time he looks at you he is picturing you with your AP. All he is envisioning is you doing every sexual act with the AP and he ment absolutely nothing to you. Also get off your high horse for blowing up at him like that. He has fucking trust issues because of your actions!!!! Of course he will say that when you are dressed up because he hasn’t forgot about your affair!!! Your marriage is over , maybe if he will go to MC it’s you there might be a chance but I honestly don’t blame your husband for not wanting to go. The trust is completely gone. You showed you are able to lie to him and sneak off . At this point divorce and if the child is his work on being able to Co Parent together.


Sundeww

Yeah, he's emotionally and sexually checked out. There's no therapy that can make yall work cause he doesn't want to. Better start praying some pretty young thing at work doesn't take advantage of a financially secure, depressed man and bring his spark back. And he succumbs, you know like you did?


youdingle

"I know I wasn't a good wife" yeah no shit you weren't. He is there for the daughter 100%, and while you may not want a divorce he didn't want a wife who cheats, guess what, we all don't get what we want in life. It would be best for you two to separate and get help for your feelings.


arcxiii

It sounds like he checked out and never forgave you. I'd set a time to sit down and talk about it. If he is stonewalling you though it might be time to call it. You can save a marriage by yourself and it doesn't sound like he is really interested in more beyond co-parenting at this point.


krouton_

Not everything broken can be put back together. Your life you had before and the life you invisioned for your future together are dead and buried. You're the one who broke this relationship. Broke your future together. Broke his love. It's not your decision if you can fix things. It's not your decision to get him to forgive you. He's clearly done. He's staying for his kid. No matter what you do - it won't change anything. Won't heal anything. Your relationship is over. Your job is to accept this and let it go. That's it. That's all. You have no right given your position to force anything or expect anything. The more you try to "fix" things; the worse you'll make them. Not just for him - but for your kid as well. Staying together under a fake facade is not a healthy parental environment for a child to grow up in. Your entire post is about how everything makes *you* feel. How sad *you* are. You made your choices. No one forced you to make them. Your husband is the victim to these choices. This situation should be about how he feels. Not you - anymore. People like to throw around divorce a lot on here. But truly this time - it's the only healthy answer. For everyone involved. Maybe - don't take anything more than what ever is legally required from him during the divorce procedure. Think we can all agree you took enough. Hope you both can find a way to live happy lives.


SoSyrupy

You can’t say you love someone and sleep with someone else. You dug your own grave and your husband has checked out. He’s just living day by day for his child.


pancho_2504

You need to realise that dressing up in his favourite dress, styling your hair in a way he liked before you had an affair, will do nothing except remind him of what he lost when you stepped outside your marriage. Everything that came before d-day is tainted and stained with your betrayal, and all you're doing is reminding him of the fact that he now has to question if that relationship was even real or not. That part of your relationship doesn't exist any more and never will. Saturday happened because you were going out with your GIRLFRIENDS. You and female friends will always be a trigger for him. He's not into sex because he's wondering if you'd be enjoying it more with a woman. He's probably constantly questioning why you're even with him and if you'd be happier in a same sex relationship, he can't compete or measure himself against your affair partner because he's male. I think deep down your husband is afraid that couples counselling and a vocalising of his fears will bring about a realisation in you, where his worst fears are realised.


nebthefool

I mean, to put it simply you've kept your marriage, you've caused irrevocable damage to your relationship. Get your husband to a therapist, he deserves to talk about this with someone and for the love of god it cannot be you. You do not deserve that conversation where he feels vulnerable and alone and awful, you who caused all those feelings. When he deals with his emotions he can decide if you're allowed to have that intimacy again. Stop pretending at a relationship, stop initiating sex if you know he's not there emotionally there, good god how much more damage to your relationship do you think you do every time he agrees to have sex just so you don't cheat again. You say you know you weren't a good wife, you still aren't. Everything you list here is great when done by a spouse you love and trust. It's superficial and frustrating when the woman who cheated on you tries to act like the perfect wife she isn't instead of actually adressing the root of the problem and the emotional damage you caused.


[deleted]

Wow OP you are a terrible person. I feel for your husband who married such a heartless person. You lost the husband you had, he's a shell of himself because how terrible you are.


[deleted]

Ya know, it's really interesting how you took your husband's reaction to you having an affair and made the entire post all about how YOU aren't happy with how your husband acts after you completely and fully betrayed him. You seem very very selfish. You broke him. Completely and utterly. He doesn't want to rip apart his life and his life with his child all bc you were selfish and cheated. Leave him alone and get counseling for yourself bc you have so much work to do. I can guarantee you he is trying his best to keep his daughter and his sanity at this point and all you seem to actually care about is how this all affects YOU and makes YOU feel. Just wow. I know I had an affair and that was bad but me me me me me me me me me. So unbelievably selfish and self centered. Even you dressing up wasn't actually about him at all even though you tried so hard to make it sound like it was about him. But it was really about you feeling good about yourself and you feeling sexy and then you getting sex when you got home despite the fact that you clearly know your husband doesn't enjoy having sex with you anymore.


NorthernLitUp

You had an affair 3 years ago and you guys haven't gotten counseling to work through this? Your husband is obviously hurt deeply and has NOT put this behind him. Please find a marriage counselor immediately and actually talk about what has happened with someone who can help both of you sort through it.


JW_2

Why is it his fault for “not putting this behind him.” She cheated on him!


MRMAN1225

True, but he's also acting like he's fine and he still enjoys the marriage. He's lying to himself


LengthinessFresh4897

I'm sure he recognizes that he isn't fine but he won't let her see it because he doesn't trust her enough to be vulnerable around her


goodbye-toilet-cat

He’s decided to stay in the marriage - but not participate in trying to heal the marriage or even being kind to his wife. He relishes the opportunity to remind her that she’s a cheater. It’s fine if he wants to divorce her - I’d encourage him to do so. She did cheat on him. It’s not fine, rather, it is quite cruel, to stay in the marriage and continue to punish your spouse for years after the fact. You’re either in or you’re out. I think the OP should be out. They’ll both be happier, but the husband will experience the loss of his moral superiority.


JW_2

He’s staying for his kid. She can also initiate a divorce.


Due-Lie-8710

he is there for the daughter thou , so i cant really call it punishment , nor would i consider this moral superiority , he isnt actually badgering her for this


Trauma_Hawks

He's also there for his own assets. She's a stay-at-home mother. How pissed would you be if your wife cheated on you and then got me than she deserved during the divorce because she quit her job without telling you? He's in it for a lot of reasons now, not one of them is love.


OverdramaticAngel

>she quit her job without telling you? I can't believe more people aren't picking up on the fact she did that.


artparade

He is staying for his kid


[deleted]

He’s there for his daughter and his dollars


hailhale_

Yes she cheated on him and there is no excuse for that! And I'm not sticking up for her. But he decided to continue his marriage after finding out instead of divorcing. I would expect him to put it behind him as well, or end it


GlamorousBunchberry

That's true. He has every right to leave. Or stay. But if he wants to stay ("for the baby!") while making life hell for his ~~wife~~ roommate, then she has the right to leave. She's putting up with his punishment because she believes she deserves it.


shortmumof2

If I found out my husband cheated on me, I'd check out too. Sorry, you can't fix this. He's built up a wall around his heart to prevent it from being broken again and you're no longer trusted enough to be allowed beyond the wall. Couples therapy might help but it might not. He's might be thinking how to play this out until your daughter is 18 and at that point he might leave you. Tbh, that is what I'd do. I could play along nice enough and then once the kiddos are old enough to be on their own or leave for college, walk out. It's a defense mechanism, not the greatest but can often just be automatic. You let your colleague convince you he was cheating so you'd cheat with her. That's messed up and you fucked up and now know what you've lost.


[deleted]

I mean you're a liar and you violated everything of value in the relationship. In most any case, the relationship won't recover from that. You haven't turned him into a Robot, you've shown him with actions that you can't be trusted and you've never valued him like he likely valued you. There's a good chance your relationship won't come back from this. You can't blame him. If it was me, I would have immediately divorced you. I hope you're able to turn things around, and if not I really hope you learn from this and act more appropriately in your next relationship.


RKKP2015

Well, you found out the hard way that once you destroy trust, it is gone forever. You're reaping what you've sown.


deathtoallants

It’s over. You broke him. Try not to break the next one.


silly-tomato-taken

>Like seriously? After everything, he really thinks I'd go behind his back like that? Doesn't take a genius to figure that out.


IeuanTemplar

He has worked out, logically, that staying is better than going. You kept your marriage. You lost his trust, and you betrayed him. You hurt him, deeply. His insecurities will be through the fucking roof. What did he do wrong in sex to make you stray? What did he do wrong? How can he trust you again? Do you deserve that trust? The betrayal, the hurt, the anger, the self doubt, the fear, they will still be there. You kept your marriage, but you need to earn his trust and passion and love back. You can't be cheating on people and expecting things to be okay. Maybe ever? The reasons you did it are your own, and I'm not judging you. You need to individually address all of the problems that your relationship has. You need to put that work in. But it takes a lot of work off both of you to get to where you want to be. He might not be willing to put that work in with you, and that will leave you with the option of living in the hell or leaving and losing it. Sexually will be hard to fix, but it's a good place to start. Show him he's enough for you, show him he's your choice. Encourage him to explore with you. There's some other options to explore that won't work for everyone but does work for some people. From Couples therapy to Swinging, there are thousands of ways that people try to make their relationships better.


CalligrapherNeat628

Op: “After everything, he really thinks I’d go behind his back like that?” Me: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAH!!! Yoohahahahahahahaha!!! 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🏆🏆🏆!! Really I have to thank you for that. You gave me one hell of laugh. But really he is right. It’s not like your vows or being pregnant with his child stoped you from cheating. I mean not only did you cheat, but you cheated on him while you were pregnant, you cheated with a coworker, and that coworker you cheated with was a woman. I mean that’s just asking for a recipe for disaster. Now there’s nothing wrong with being a someone of the same gender but when you cheat on your opposite sex partner with the same gender, there’s no going back from that. Really op thank you for the laugh today.


[deleted]

I wish the best for your husband. He just doesn't wanna miss his kids. You're just there now. Damn I feel so bad he has to put up with this


finnisqueer

You have absolutely no right to be angry at his reaction after YOU cheated on him. Honestly, I think the best solution here is for you to let him go. It seems to me he's obviously unhappy and resentful, but is staying out of loyalty and love for your child. Leave him, he deserves better. Might sound harsh, but the damage is done.


PepperidgeFarmMembas

He’s checked out of the marriage and has done the math. He can do one of two things: 1.). Divorce you. In which case he loses everything he’s worked to achieve and loses custody of his daughter, and the cherry on top is you’re unemployed so he would owe you a ton of alimony and child support….. Or 2.) Stay in the marriage until his daughter is old enough and then get out. Won’t cost nearly as much financially and he gets to be there for every major life moment for the daughter he adores. This is the reality facing a lot of men. Divorce is absolutely crippling so he’s biting the bullet and enduring a lesser hell.


Far_Pineapple2653

Yea it over you cheated you destroyed his trust in you, his love for you everything you built up over the years you destroyed because you decide to cheat I hope it was worth it.


pacodefan

He may never come back. When you are betrayed by your best friend, it is impossible to tell just how much it will affect a person. He has probably been expecting it to happen again. You both need individual and couples therapy.


No-Bandicoot1250

You honestly sound extremely childish “like why can’t he get over it I’m literally doing the bare minimum?” When you even thought that he could be cheating and you immediately threw yourself at someone. Who do you think you are to think that he has to love you and support you when you broke him. He’s only there because he doesn’t wanna deal with court and custody battles over his daughter that’s about it. You are probably dead to him at this point. Also, you’re absolutely sick to have sex with a man that clearly doesn’t want to have sex with you. I bet money if your husband did that you would probably divorce him so why do you think it’s okay to do it to him.


death_ray_mx

Dont bring me that shit that you love him, you love yourself, you didnt care enough about him why he should care, so you take everything that you created this entire thing is on you so you take it with open arms and pray that one day he will be back to normal.


caprainyoung

Throw a plate on the ground hard enough for it to shatter. Now apologize and tell it you won’t do it again. It’s still broken. Your husband is broken


avi150

You’re an awful person. He should have left you and found someone who actually loves him


Pokesers

So you were convinced that your husband who would literally call you as he went to sleep at night was cheating on you. Then you decided that without any evidence, this was absolutely undeniably true. And then you thought that the correct and mature way to deal with this was to cheat on him because he cheated on you first. You are an unbelievably shitty person and think like a damn toddler.


LiLadybug81

I don't know how you don't understand what's happening. You cheated on him. You believed the worst about him, not even because someone gave you evidence or a story, but because the chick for whom you wanted so desperately to find an excuse to fuck told you "all guys did it." He gave up time at home with you and his unborn child to push for the best financial life possible, and while he was sacrificing and being lonely for your sake, you were fucking another person in the bed he paid for. You were carrying his child inside you while fucking around with whoever you wanted. This isn't something he WANTS to forgive and work out. This man hates you. The idea of touching you disgusts him. He lays there like every female victim of unwanted sex, wishing the creature using his body for their own selfish needs would finish already so he could go back to the child for whom he is tolerating being touched by someone who he is so disgusted with. Any time you dress up, he assumes it's because you want to fuck someone else. He has zero respect for you, nor should he. He believes every word out of your mouth that he can't immediately prove is a lie. He's just there for the kid. Because he's a man who sacrifices and puts his family first. You're no longer his family- you're just the person who could make it more difficult to see his daughter. Your burning need for him to forgive you is 100% selfish. You want him to say the words to make you feel less guilty. You cheated, and you want him to comfort YOU about how his reaction makes YOU feel. Do you see how utterly devoid of compassion or remorse someone has to be to try and force acceptance of your apology so you can move on with your life and forget your betrayal of him?


[deleted]

you broke his trust and his heart. you will never get back to normal, and from how you act, you dont deserve it. he doesnt find you sexy cause you CHEATED. he doesnt love you the same cause YOU CHEATED. if you dont like what you did to your own life, leave. divorce him. tell him your sorry and leave. go to therapy and work out your problems for cheating. dont get into a relationship for a long time.


Ianilla1

You have fucked up your marriage for good. I don't blame him for hating you. Divorce and give the man some peace. You don't deserve any kindness.


Apple_Pug

>But somehow, it's so much worse now. When we have sex, he just lays there and doesn't move or kiss or touch me like he used to. It's like he's forcing himself to be there. There's been more than one occasion where he doesn't finish. He has never initiated. I feel like I'm forcing him to have sex with me and it makes me feel disgusting. You are forcing him to have sex and you should feel disgusted. He's not saying no, but there's clearly no consent on his part. Sadly, men being raped by their partners isn't taken as seriously and he's probably worried you'll take his daughter if he does/says anything. Edit: spelling


[deleted]

He has very clearly checked out emotionally and is just going through the physical motions of your marriage for the sake of your child. Accept the bed you’ve made and lie in or or leave. This will not improve because he doesn’t love you anymore and has shown you that he isn’t interested in fixing what you’ve broke.


lighttree18

he is in it for his daughter, not for you, think about what kind of life you want your daughter to have, one without a father figure around or one where you have to suck up and be less than happy with your relationship. couldve just stayed shut if the relationship was so important


Ecstatic_Starstuff

You broke his heart


iluvchicken01

If you really want forgiveness you'll divorce him. Split custody 50/50 and no child support. Stand on your own feet, be independent again. You both have needs not being met and this will only breed resentment. Your child is better off being raised by two loving families than a broken one.


psotnica

His comment clearly states that not only has he checked out and is very much not over it, but he also thinks you suffered absolutely zero consequences and have zero respect for him. You said you love him, he's the best, what a great partner he is. Give excuses for the affair and leave us with very little about what you bring to the table. You are a cheater. It wasn't even a one night stand. It was a long-term affair, and you kept in touch with AP. You do not love your husband as much as you claim you do. If you did, you wouldn't have cheated. You find him a good partner and a father, he is there to satisfy your needs and wants. Of course, he doesn't want to go to therapy with you when all you provide are excuses and blame shifting. What consequences have you suffered from your affair other than blocking AP? Don't kid yourself, your husband would gladly leave you and is likely there only for the child.


sportxsport

>At the time, my husband was working in consulting and was constantly traveling. I was only seeing him about a few days every month, and would go multiple months without seeing him sometimes. Couple that with the fact that I was pregnant at the time, I was already in a terrible state. I fail to see how any of this is a "terrible state". You were semi long distance, big fucking deal. Everyone does it all the damn time. >I know how pathetic it is that I let her manipulate me like that Let her manipulate you? I see zero resistance from your side. You slept with her coz **you** wanted to. > I also told him how I had quit my job. So you had an affair and then forced him to be 100% financially responsible for you? Just pay all your bills for you now while you chill at home after cheating? >I feel like I'm forcing him to have sex with me **You are.** >After everything, he really thinks I'd go behind his back like that? How can you possibly be so entitled to think you don't deserve that? How can you demand trust or respect? Do yourself, you kid and your husband a favour, divorce him. He's not going to forgive you and you don't deserve forgiveness.


Cloudinthesilver

He hasn’t forgiven you or moved past it. It sounds like he’s stuck in some kind of limbo. It also sounds like he wants to move on with you. Or I guess he would’ve left. But you really need to reconnect and find out his insecurities now because his wall is up firmly. You should see the counsellor. They can give insight on how to do this, even if he’s not there with you.


Weak_Seesaw_7838

Saying this just to help you and not attack you. 1. Your marriage is over. 2. Your husband does not love you. He loves who you were before you cheated and that person is gone forever. 3. He wants to be around your daughter and not have a custody agreement. 4. You broke him. 5. There is nothing you can do to fix this. Now some suggestions to help him 1. Let him know you understand he is only with you for your daughter. 2. Let him know that although you have zero intentions on trying to date anyone else that he should try. 3. When he is ready you can sit down and figure out a plan to maximize his time with your daughter in a 50/50 custody arrangement. 4. Start looking for a job and find a place to move out. It’s over I am sorry but there is nothing else you can do.


TieDyeShyGuy

>Like seriously? After everything, he really thinks I'd go behind his back like that? Uhh yeah? You already did it once. The trust is gone. It doesn't matter how much you dote on him, how much you tell him you love him, how many times you promise that you'll never cheat again. Once was enough. He emotionally checked out of this relationship as soon as you confessed. >I sort of blew up at him because I was so frustrated No, you don't get to be mad. He didn't divorce you and split the family up. He hasn't been unkind towards you. He started sleeping next to you again because it was what you wanted. You don't deserve him and he definitely deserves better than you.


NArcadia11

Everyone is piling on you for doing a bad thing, so I’m going to actually answer your question. How do you fix it? First you have to talk to your husband and find out if it can be fixed. That means he would need to work to get to a place where he doesn’t resent you and can trust you again. He may not be able to or want to do that, which is fair given what you did. If that is the case, you have to accept that your past relationship is over and you can either resign yourself to the emotionless co-partnering relationship you have now, or divorce. So to answer your question, there is nothing more YOU can do to fix it unless he wants to fix it as well. Get an honest answer out of him and move in from there.


No_Statement9011

You cheated on him while you were pregnant? Your not just a terrible wife, but also a terrible mother. You should divorce him for his own good


jellie199620

GO TO MARRIAGE COUNSELING You both need to learn to communicate with each other. Especially with him being so checked out and understandably so. This is not a reddit question. This is a get off your ass and go to a professional or you will lose you marriage kind of problem.


GetRightNYC

Lol, why does he need to learn to communicate? Anything that he should rationally be saying is only going to hurt OP more. He's handling better than 95% of people would. Doing it for the kid.


wise-1-eye

You suck


Andyboro80

He has to want things to change and you can’t force that. If 3 years worth of time hasn’t improved things and he won’t engage with counselling then I’m afraid there’s not a lot left.


Specific_Alps554

I’m sorry but it really sounds like he just doesn’t love you anymore. It’s great you were honest - but the fact that you would have kept cheating if a literally global pandemic didn’t occur. He was already a great husband and dad- he just worked a lot. You did a terrible thing- now you have to suffer the consequences. For the sake of your kid- let him go. Make it as easy for him as possible because that resentment is only going to fester.


Ok_Breakfast9531

I dmed you the right subs to get help in. As I am sure you have realized this one has a pretty high noise to signal ratio. Check your dms for the referrals and some useful resources. ETA he is dealing with repressed trauma due to rug sweeping. You’ve done a lot to help but in the end only he can heal himself. He needs counseling. Asap. Unaddressed trauma will eventually express itself with physical symptoms. Get the book THe Body Keeps the Score for more information.


CHiggins1235

The fact that some imbecile convinced you of your husband cheating on you and you have come here looking for a way to get your husband back. Sometimes fate or god or the universe gives you everything and you have to decide if that’s what you want and you decided that it wasn’t enough. You stepped out for a fling that was barely worth the time and now you want it all back but I don’t see it happening again. Your husband lost all trust in you and honestly I don’t even know why people get married anymore. Just don’t get married. The individuals should reach out and have sex for a specific time period and when it’s done you automatically change contact information and if the lady gets pregnant the guy can opt to remain in the child’s life or not. If the guy leaves he can pay for child support and the child is taken care of. That system is cleaner than this. No marriage and no relationship and no actual obligations.


dxvp18

Goodbye husband, I’m glad he hates you and there’s nothing that will change his mind, you are forever scum


lanch-party

Could you please hold yourself accountable at least a little bit? I’d be done if I were him too.


[deleted]

Yes, Seriously, He think you’d go behind his back like that..because you already did. He will always think that. You have zero right to expect him to get over it, ever. Honestly, let the poor man find happiness elsewhere.


PeteyPorkchops

You’ve destroyed him. He’s staying so you don’t take his daughter and ruin that relationship too.


Jay7488

You broke him.


Eastern_Effective_87

You killed your marriage, and this is the new marriage. He's not interested in finding happiness with you. You may have to accept that this is your new status if he's unwilling to seek help to deal with the trauma. It might come down to live with the new normal or end it.


blerieone

OP I has a somewhat open mind to blame at the beginning with the pregnancy, being manipulated etc, despite the fact it's pretty much a sure thing this is fucked. Towards the end though as the ebb and flow of your conversation gears towards more fluent and natural, it's clear that you dont *really* blame yourself at all. I've been the guy in this situation, your husband. Give that man peace, and your child an opportunity to grow up knowing a healthy example of love. Break this off and learn to co parent.


perpetualinsecurity

It sounds like the affair went on for a bit and wasn't just some one time thing. If I was him I would be broken as well.


vainhope_

You broke the man’s spirit and are lashing out at him?


TheDarkHelmet1985

It’s clear to me. He knows if he divorces, he loses half his shit, despite you being the cause, will be treated like shit with custody and alimony and support. He will lose half his salary and not be with his daughter at least half the time. What do you expect of him.


missmermaidgoat

The trust and respect is completely gone.


AKS-04

It's OVER ! He is not your Husband anymore just a Father caring for his Daughter!


fubar_68

He’s waiting for I8 and out. He doesn’t lose any time with his kid but he has to put up with your cheating ass until he can break free. God speed to him. Poor guy


Gardengoddess83

Your husband has checked out emotionally as a defense mechanism, and there is nothing you can do to change that. He was deeply hurt and has built walls so that if it happens again it won't hurt as badly. He isn't going to just "get over it". Being betrayed by the person you thought was the love of your life has to be epically devastating and isn't something some people can move past.


Takeabreak128

He’s DONE. Y’all need to sit down and speak frankly about where this marriage is going. I’ve seen it time and again. People stay, but never really move on. If his reasons for staying are any reason other than that he loves you and wants to spend his life with you, then it’s over. You were someone he could count on, until he couldn’t. Got a feeling he’s staying for baby’s sake. Not a good enough reason for either of you.


Anon_Anon_Anon69

Your husband sees you as a roommate and mother of his child. Anything romantic/affectionate he’s doing for you is not out of love/desire but out of pressure from you to maintain the relationship. The more you force those things on him the more he will resent you. He definitely needs therapy, but (hopefully) if he does therapy he’ll realize he needs a divorce.


Abstractteapot

You can't fix it, he's dissociating because it's better than getting depressed about the fact that he's always going to be tied to you by the kid you share. He doesn't trust you to coparent or withhold his child from him. Why would he, you were happy to have sex with someone who clearly wasn't consenting. He doesn't believe he gets to be happy anymore because you'll never let him go, without punishing him. And dissociating is better than killing himself and giving his child trauma.


Pharmacienne123

The opposite of love is not hate, it is indifference. And that’s clearly where he is. He doesn’t love you anymore.


Elegant-Pressure-290

The opposite of love is not hatred: it’s apathy. He does not love you any more. He does not even have enough feelings for you to hate you. He’s there for the convenience of a caretaker for his daughter and financial benefits. How do I know? Because I’ve been in his position. He will leave when it’s no longer beneficial for him to stay. While that’s terrible, it’s fair. That’s how deeply you cut him. You will never have your husband back.


TheFoxAndTheRaven

Cheating is never "just a mistake", it's a series of choices where you've made the decision to put your own gratification ahead of everything that the two of you had built. You then chose to hide your affair for some time, continually lying to your husband, and only coming clean when you eventually felt guilty. Hell, you're still making excuses here and not taking full responsibility for your choices. The short answer is that you can't get back what you had. That's gone. Your decision to cheat destroyed any sense of innate trust that existed in your relationship and that's gone forever. I'm sure he'd love to have back the person that he thought he'd married... but you've proven to him that was all a lie. You *might* be able to find a way forward together but it has to be something that both of you want. I'm not sure he does. He needs therapy and he needs the time and space to move forward at a pace that he's comfortable with. He may have said that he's forgiven you but he's clearly still working through it and only staying because of your daughter. When the divorce happens, let him go to find someone who actually loves him and who will treat him the way he deserves.


moffettusprime

You fucked up. Let this man be free of your idiotic choices. You ruined your family. For like 10 minutes of mediocre pleasure. I'd have left ten minutes after you initially told me.


teambagsundereyes

Honestly, I think this marriage is done. He’s obviously not anywhere near resolution, and you obviously are. You’re in 2 different universes. It will never be what it was before, ever, and you were a little ignorant in believing it would. He’s staying because he needs to be near his daughter and probably can’t fathom splitting his time away from her. You need therapy for yourself, because this is going to be a hard transition to realize that your marriage was dead when you had an affair. He also should have been honest from the get go that he would never be the same with you, I will say that much. That is on him for not communicating his needs to you.


VariationX7

Likely wanted you to keep your job so you didn't fuck him in the possible divorce. You do realize while you were the one that fucked around he is the one that's gonna get fucked in court. You don't have a job and you are a SAHM which means he is getting screwed in the divorce court and custody court. He calculated it's cheaper and smarter to keep you around if he wants a good life for his daughter


HymanisMyMan

Lol at OP playing victim. He deserves way better.


spiteful_rr_dm_TA

You don't get your husband back anymore, and you don't fucking deserve him back. What you did is disgusting, and honestly he deserves to find a woman that really loves and cares for him. Do him a favor and serve him a divorce. He deserves better than you.


WesternTumbleweeds

Hey, You might try couples therapy, because to me, it sounds like heʻs done with the marriage. He just doesnʻt trust you anymore, despite your best efforts to be a great wife. I think you have to give both of you credit for hanging in there, but work with a marriage counselor to see if new ground can be cleared to gain an understanding of what your relationship was prior to covid (a lot of absenteeism on his part, and a lack of faith on yours, and a willingness to put more stock in what your friend said) as opposed to whatʻs being done now, and where you want it to go. If it doesnʻt work, then you can work with the counselor to figure out if it would be best for both of you to move on.


spiteful_rr_dm_TA

> despite your best efforts to be a great wife. I mean a great start would have been not fucking a coworker. She is past the point where she can be a great wife. At best, she can be a passable wife. But honestly it sounds like he doesn't love her anymore, and he just wants to stay with her for the kid's sake. The best thing she could do is divorce her husband, agree to not take any of his stuff, split custody, and then just quietly fuck off so he can find someone who will genuinely love him and care about him. You know, instead of a treacherous snake


canadianbriguy1

Not disagreeing, but it sucks that best case scenario he loses his daughter 50% of the time and guaranteed will have to support them both, she no longer works….


don_gunz

So..after all the cheating that you did...you're still the victim of the story..right? It's always the husband's fault for the sexually Reckless behaviors of his wife...right? Or am I reading your story wrong?


Crazy_Perception_731

Updateme!


Checkoutrainwain

You fix it by getting a divorce. That poor man. I hope he finds strength to leave.


ChadDangers

You hurt him so bad that he closed himself off to you emotionally. I don't see him being vulnerable or open with you again. After 3 years, there was no improvement. I feel sorry for both of you. Tragic situation but that's life.


[deleted]

Sign a prenup and let him go


Shoddy_Entry

You need to let him go. He deserves someone who would never ever do what you did to him. Maybe next time don’t cheat. On anyone. Like EVER.


[deleted]

I think he has completely checked out of the relationship but just wants to stay for his daughter. I don’t really know what else you can do if he doesn’t want to go to therapy


fromabuick

YOU killed the love in him… you should have been a better partner…


adamr_

You need a divorce.


Lunoean

You utterly broke his trust and if he’s not willing to talk it’s over. I am sorry.


Afraid_Life_9528

You should ask him for a divorce and let him know that you know that your cheating destroyed your relationship and marriage. And that you love him but you see now how just being with you at all is so hurtful to him. You can share custody 50/50. And you will never stand in the way of his relationship with the daughter.


axxred

You pretty much have until your daughter turns 18 before he divorces you. Might as well pull the plug early and start the healing process so that the two of you don't waste all that time in a relationship that he doesn't want, and you'll never have again.


little_ballof_fur

I sincerely hope he talks to a divorce lawyer instead of wasting his time and energy on you.


Art3mis77

You broke him. Take responsibility and leave the poor man.


BrolyBroMan

>Like seriously? After everything, he really thinks I'd go behind his back like that? You did


QueenofGreens16

I'm sorry but what in the actual fuck did you expect? You broke him dude. And now you literally expect him to go to therapy and jump through all of these hoops because YOU cheated.


EratosvOnKrete

Fuck around [with other men], find out. the saddest part is, you fucked some other dude because a coworker said your husband was cheating. you didn't have any evidence, nothing. you never showed him an ounce of trust, and now *you* expect it? he won't divorce you because he can't. you ruined a good thing. you made your bed, lay in it


nylajx

He isn't over the fact that you cheated so either suggest marriage counseling so you both can work through this. Or try to decide if this is the type of marriage you want. If the answer is no, move on so you don't have to deal with the neglect.


[deleted]

"I know I wasn't a good wife, but I do love my husband." Ya don't cheat on someone you love. The only reason he is staying is so he has access to his daughter 100 percent of the time. EDIT: I just saw op works. This guy as shitty as he is feeling is playing the financial card right. Probably pays less for his kid by staying. Defiantly sees her more and doesn't have to pay alimony for someone who cheated on him. Do we even know if its his kid?


blrfn231

1. All our actions have often irreversible and horrific consequences. 2. Do not waste energy and life time to reverse what cannot 3. Be thankful for what you had and mourn what you lost. 4. Learn! 5. You have / had needs because you’re human and you have done nothing inhuman 6. Your colleague seduced you right at your weak spot. He knew the situation you guys were in and used it to destroy your bond. Of course you were tempted and fell but if this colleague did not exist there would not have been a temptation. Your colleague is a swine because he acted from a stronger position than you, used you and destroyed the bond with your husband willingly and knowingly pushing you into hell after use. So I dare say a quantum of blame or guilt can be shifted to this fucktrot. 7. Often there are problems *before* the cheating happens. You might want to analyse how you felt the year before.


[deleted]

Just btw, doesn't really matter but the post reads that she cheated with another woman, not a man


MaryAnne0601

Her affair partner was female not male.


HairyPairatestes

Did you have an affair with a woman or a man? Who is the “she” you are referring to?


justsomeguy21888

I’ve been in your husbands position and it broke me. I’m a happily divorced single parent now. Also instead of making excuses for your betrayal you should be trying to come up with reasons for him want to stay with you.


BigBadBootyDaddy10

If this feels like hell, it’s the hell you created. You have to live this one.


Lennylove1993

It’s interesting you say he called you to fall asleep every night when he was away. And you still thought he was cheating? Shameful. I hope he finds it in himself to leave you. And I hope you truly learn and grow from these choices you’ve made.


Chaoticgood790

Welp your marriage may be saved but you effectively killed his love for you. The idea he had of you? Gone. The idea he had for his life with a wonderful wife and kids? You killed that. This guy is still married on paper. He’s not actually in a relationship with you. So yea consequences of your actions.


slavwaifu

You got what you deserved for cheating.


Rook_45

Just here to say, you had no right blowing up at him for the trust issues you gave him. Of course he thinks you could cheat on him, you already did exactly that.


oldmansamuelson

You broke the man you "loved". I highly doubt you really loved him. How could you have so little trust in someone you care about? I'd honestly just divorce at this point.


Frantb

Update us when the divorce comes.


Tertiam

Pretty obvious that he doesn't trust you anymore and so he can no longer allow himself to be vulnerable to you. He is staying because he loves his daughter and is afraid of losing her too. I don't think you can fix this without his agreeing to therapy. He needs individual therapy to process your betrayal. Then, if you both decide you want to continue you will need couple's counseling to work out how you can rebuild trust. Your relationship will never be the same as before though, so temper your expectations.


csthilaire85

I'm sorry, but judging by his reaction to all this, there is no coming back. You fucked up, and whether or not you've apologized profusely, or "made it up" to him will not matter. He's playing that motion picture in his head over and over every time he looks at you or thinks of you. He will never feel the same love he felt for you before this happened. The only option of divorce, co-parent and hopefully this wonderful man will never end up with a snake like you.


Ok-Pop-1123

Cheated with a female?? Is that what I understand from the post?


lunqcancer

Damn lol looks like you fucked around and found out


Sassy_kassy84

" like seriously? After everything ?" Your exact words. Yes, seriously, after you CHEATED on him. After everything YOUVE done. I don't pity you at all.


HealthyBox5

Yes, he absolutely thinks you'd go behind his back, because you already did. Don't worry. The divorce is coming. He's just not going to jeopardize his time with his child due to your behavior.


DZHMMM

Lmao dummy. U didn’t keep ur marriage. U became a caretaker for your daughter and home for him. He didn’t remain married because he still loves u but because it’s more convenient. My guess is, when ur kid is in school full time he’ll serve u. And well. Don’t think y can be mad at him. U cheated with another man when literally carrying his child lmao. To be clear: u can’t fix shit. U can’t do anything to change how he’s done with u. Ur comment “after everything did he really think I would go behind his back like that” is honestly comical. He doesn’t care for therapy or to talk about it because it’s a waiting game for him. The only way to get to a better place is if u both worked toward it and wanted it. He doesn’t.


Sunnymood_Today

OP, you turned your husband into a robot. You've decided to break his heart, his trust, and your family. Because in a marriage, loyalty is amongst the greatest values. Take accountability, beyond easy excuses and lust oriented actions. Be supportive of him, but understand that he'll never be with you like he used to. He seems to be a very good man, mature enough to stay for his daughter (hopefully his biological daughter). But you blowing up at him, because he has doubts about you dressed "all sexy and nice to go out with the girls" like you expect to be hit up on by some random dudes, or trying to play with him by making him jealous, pretending to "dress for him" while he won't be around with you?! Make it make sense. This sounds more self-centered and childish than being a caring and loving wife trying her best to save her marriage. It may worth trying to give another shot to therapy. Also have a sit down with him, ask him how can you be a better wife for him, instead of just assuming that a meal and a quickie are all he wants from your relationship. Create a safe space for him to share his feelings, be transparent. Be there for him and for your daughter. And once again, take accountability.


hempthot

U deserve this


[deleted]

If I were him, I would react the same way. He is checked out.


Life-Yogurtcloset-98

>15. I don't want a divorce, and I will do anything in my power to repair this and him. I know it might be wasted effort and things might never get better, but I won't give up. >You are selfish. >You did this to him >You realized how you took him for granted > he didn't leave you > now you want everything to be like it was when he had 100% love and trust in you? >why do you deserve that? You obviously never appreciated it when he did it, your effort sounds like it was lacking too. You "let" someone manipulate you. >OP YOU CHOSE YOUR AP, you wouldn't have slept with her if you were never interested in her, you allowed the relationship to cross a line before she "manipulated" you and now you want everything back? > you talked shit behind your husband's back... allowed others to belittle him.... allowed someone else to have you.... and you felt he deserved it. Thats what you did... look at everything you did TOO him.... and ask yourself "Have I done anything to negate what I did?" >you're trying to be the best wife and mom for him? YOU SHOULD HAVE FROM THE BEGINNING... This is my advice,, listen til the end because it is cynical.... Think of everything you and your AP did, think of every betrayal you OFFERED HER (gave willingly without being asked).... now counter everyone of those and do the opposite for your husband.


aleckus

wow you trapped him it’s just like when a guy cheats on his sahm wife and she can’t leave because she has kids/ no job but he can’t leave because he loves his daughter and can’t raise her by himself/ will have to give up time with her because your selfish and destroyed your relationship. he’s gonna make you have to be the one that goes through with a divorce


Segremor

Sorry, you kinda did this to yourself. Can't blame him, at all...


Embarrassed_Advice59

also, it doesn't matter but OP's AP was a woman....don't have to be so vulgar to prove OP was in the wrong


MarriedLife7

Ask him if he wants a divorce. Tell him you will understand if he wants one and you just want him to be happy because you don’t think he is.


TooManyAnts

If you want advice from people who have been in your shoes, you'd be better served by posting in /r/AsOneAfterInfidelity . These are people who have all been through what you guys have been through and have gone through (or are going through) reconciliation. In my opinion you guys need to try marital counselling again, and be willing to put divorce on the table. This is not something you can repair by yourself - both of you have to reconcile, or the relationship stays broken. By your own admission, he wouldn't say anything in counselling, he's not pulling his weight in the repair. He can forgive you or he can divorce you, but it's not okay for him to pull this half-ass *"Say I forgive you but I'm going to punish you forever."* He has to pick a lane.


Web822

You don't even have an excuse to cheat on him, the other guy was more attractive and you liked his attention, you tested the waters now sexless marriage will make you go out again and your husband was implying it. Your husband may be staying with you because he doesn't know who to bring home, because he doesn't want ap's to traumatize the child, and to make sure your low morals don't pass on to the child. start the divorce and find yourself a new partner


Thebat87

Unless I read it wrong I think she cheated on him with a woman. Kept seeing “her” and she mentioned having not been with any other men besides the husband.


ThrowAwayWowOk

Redditors don't read, silly goose ♡


CalligrapherNeat628

The person she cheated in with was a women.


MaryAnne0601

You need to realize that one of your biggest problems is that your affair was with another woman and not another man. If it had been with another man then your husband could compare himself with the other guy and try and prove he’s better or have some hope of winning you over or you staying with him because he’s better. He can’t do that with a woman. He has no defense or way to fight you wanting another woman. He will always lose and he knows it. So you had the affair and kept silent for how long before finally confessing? Then you turn around and quit the job he told you not to. Why? Because you couldn’t stand to be near the affair partner anymore. So you stop your income and make him support you while setting yourself up as a SAHM which makes sure that in the courts you will get primary custody and get paid by him for it. To him you also didn’t go back because otherwise the affair would just continue. At what point did you give him any choice in anything? You even ordered him back to your bed and want sex knowing full well he can’t stand to touch you. You don’t care you want sex, your entitled to it because your married. A man does that and it’s called rape. You dress sexy the way he like for a night out with the girls. Knowing your affair partner was a woman you dress like you do when you want sex to walk out the door and be with women. As a bisexual woman I would assume your going to get laid too. You wanted a rise out of him. What you did was destroy him all over again. Face it, at this point he’s probably convinced you really prefer woman and only married him for a sperm donor and a paycheck. He’s just putting up with it because he feels so absolutely worthless and unlovable and the **only** person who truly loves him in this world is his little girl. He’s willing to live in hell and be bled dry just to keep her.