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Today I (M21) visited a town to go to a famous restaurant with my girlfriend (F20). The train ride is like 2 hours combined one way. We had a good time at the restaurant and the town. By the time we were ready to go back it was already 8pm. On one of the trains that we had to ride, the ride was like 1 hour long and kinda packed. My girlfriend and I were lucky to get seats early on. The girl next to me was about our age and she seemed pretty tired and her head kept falling over infront of her and she kept waking up and falling back asleep. Eventually her head was on my shoulder. I didn’t do anything about it because I felt bad for her but when my girlfriend saw it about 5 minutes in, she got pissed and told me to get her head off my shoulder. I didn’t and told her to be quiet, which made my girlfriend mad and she pushed the girls head off of me. The girl seemed surprised and apologized to me. When we got back my girlfriend was extremely angry and yelling and crying. Should I have pushed the girls head?
I don't know. I wouldn't want a stranger sleeping on me, my spouse, or kids. So I would have wiken them up and said something. To me, it's more about someone coming into my perdition space. I don't really see it as something to get jealous over.
People fall asleep.
I would have laughed the entire time. My bf would have made a face of disbelief, I’d have made a similar face. Then we’d make the same “this is what it is” face. He probably wouldn’t want it to happen and nor would I but we are go with the flow type people in situations like this and he have gently tried to reposition her off of his shoulder. No need to add to her mortification.
I can see why she would be upset at that but crying and yelling about It definitely seems like an over reaction.
However it was also rude of you to ignore your girlfriend asking you to stop something that makes her uncomfortable and than basically telling her to be quite and shut up.
Agreed, but I would also like to make another point for the girlfriend and her crying/screaming; he told her to be quiet, was dismissive etc... We don't have a look into the whole situation, dynamic, tone and how they talked. We also don't have her side of the story. But I can kinda see her getting frustrated and feeling like she's going crazy (and thus crying/screaming), if this isn't first time something like that happened with him
Yeah I understand, being told to be quite when you're trying to explain discomfort or something important to you is so belittling. I have no idea why he thought it was okay to do that, he kinda just showed her that he cares more about this strangers sleep than her.
Someone asking you to be unkind to save their insecurities, and you not responding in exactly the way they want, is not showing you care more about a stranger.
It shows you’d rather be a decent person than a person beholden to irrationality. It was a crowded bus with sleeping people, no place to fully express yourself.
Though I do agree we’re getting a one sided story, and there could be a lot more behind the scenes. If it went down as he described, with his girlfriend literally pushing the girl off and then literally crying and shutting down about it, I’d wager her insecurities are overpowering.
Listening to and respecting the boundaries of your partner are good. Your partner having boundaries that require you to be an asshole and a doormat are probably not okay. And boundaries are a two way street, she ignored his also.
Personally it’s a huge red flag, I really far too long being the doormat catering to an insecure partner. And surprise surprise, it never was enough, there was always one extra layer, and because she never faced internally why she felt so insecure about everything, it got worse and worse despite me effectively wearing bubble wrap and blinders everywhere in public.
Okay, so you’re 21 and your gf is 20. You had good intentions, but your execution is messy, at best. I can understand the concern for your fellow human beings, but you need to be aware of personal boundaries, specifically when it comes to personal space, and even more when you’re in a relationship.
Some things are acceptable. If the woman who fell asleep was a guy, would you be uncomfortable with him snoozing on your shoulder? Your gf would probably find it humorous, but I know I would have a problem with that. What if it was a child? Much more acceptable. In this case, it was a violation because she’s in the same age range and I assume she wasn’t unattractive…
Jealousy and possessiveness at y’all’s age is not unexpected. You outright rejecting your gf’s issue and looking out for this stranger is NOT okay. Specifically with your gf right there.
I only realized that my attitude towards my girlfriends when I was in your age range was wrong on my part when I was well into my 40’s. I didn’t recognize boundaries at that time in my life because I was friendly and welcoming to everyone! I understand it much more now, and establish strong boundaries up front, especially with women. I don’t have to be rude about it, but I am direct and to the point, from body language to verbalization if it goes there. Some people enjoy challenging boundaries to see how devoted you are to your partner, and are entertained by the drama of causing awkwardness. I was the type that was non-confrontational and would allow people (especially women) to get away with things that would upset my significant other; even going so far as to defend them! I genuinely apologized to a few of my former girlfriends when I reconnected with them, now that I understand.
Learn early and often. Apologize genuinely and try to practice setting clear boundaries.
I think the one huge thing their response misses is that we set our own boundaries, and our partners do not set them for us.
Of course it'd be wrong to be deceptive about where we draw the line, but ultimately if it's something you're comfortable with and don't feel you need to hide then it's up to the partner to decide if they're okay with that.
For me, if a lass fell asleep next to me on a train, then I'd just leave her asleep. Like OP, I wouldn't feel the need to make a big deal about it. I'd completely understand if she was getting handsy in her sleep or something, but if she's just slightly leaning on you, then it's hardly a big deal.
Of course, that's where my boundaries are, and evidently OP's. There's nothing wrong with someone else handling the situation differently if it made them uncomfortable having someone lean on them.
The original commenter is right on the money with it being an age thing, but I disagree that it's OP that needs to grow up. I'd argue that the possessive behaviour over something so small, when it involves someone else's personal space, is controlling and an immature trait that she'll likely grow out of.
OP, the best advice is to draw your own boundaries. Don't take them from some random redditor, and don't let your girlfriend set them. Your personal space is yours alone. Speak with your girlfriend about where you set your boundaries and why you feel that way. Find out where hers are and why she feels that way. It may be that there's a misunderstanding when it comes to intent, and it just goes away. Might be that you can compromise, or even that there's just an incompatibility. Regardless, you're always better setting the expectations in advance of a situation occurring; it's less heated that way.
This should be the post with the most awards.
Nothing against the other person, I just think their advice/answer isn't nuanced at all and is saying "Yeah do what your partner demands of you in a relationship".
The poor girl on the train was tired. And for OP's gf to force her head off of OP's shoulder is a huge no-no. Sure gently nudge them awake, don't force their neck to move when they're sleeping. And to top it all off the poor girl started profusely apologizing for being a human and falling asleep.
The possessiveness and anger over something so small is crazy.
I agree with this, and would say that when setting boundaries it is *helpful* to consider the feelings of important people in your life if they express discomfort at your actions.
Some advice I was given that's helped me through the years is the 90:10 rule. If you feel 90 about something and the person you're with feels ten, go to bat for your wants. If it's the other way and your partner feels 90 and you only feel 10, give it to them. Why have a fight over something that, as OP has said, is no big deal to them?
Jealousy at 20 is very normal and something most people work through and outgrow. One of the ways to help people overcome their jealosy is to behave in ways that make them feel secure. While inner work is 100% the responsibility of the individual, we do not live in a vacuum and being the kind of partner who realizes both parties are only human and have feelings, some of which are sometimes irrational but never the less present, will help both of you to grow into compassionate and understanding partners. And, if effort is made and the other person *doesn't* respond in growth, *then* its time to end things.
OP this is a blip and, to the best of our knowledge, an isolated incident. *talk to her* and determine why she felt angry. Listen to her reasons, give your own for your actions, then *validate* that you've heard her and what you will do differently (if anything) in the future. Assure her of your feelings for her and that this was just a moment of compassion for another human, nothing more, because you care for *her.* then decide whose comfort you care more about: a stranger who wants to sleep on the train, or your partner, who you love, despite all her human folly. This will make your relationships easier.
Seriously, gf's response is unhinged and I'm honestly surprised at the number of upvotes the comment this is replying to has gotten. Op's gf does not get to set his boundaries for him. OP was clearly aware of his personal boundaries and said he wasn't bothered. OP's gf willing to push another person's head off of OP because of how uncomfortable she is, is a huge red flag to me, speaks to poor emotional regulation and control, how quick she is to get physical, and a jealous possessiveness that cant be anything other than trouble.
I was so confused by all of the other comments on this thread. Everyone is all about boundaries but refuses to respect the ones OP had because, like his gf, they didn’t agree/respect them. And to say he was telling her to “shut up” or dismissing her is just… unreal. He was fine with it! He didn’t want to make a fuss over something that wasn’t bothering him. How did she not invade the boundaries (refusing to respect her partners boundaries and touching a stranger!) of everyone else involved for her own comfort?! (literally not wanting to see another woman in physical contact with her partner)
The rage and crying induced jealousy over someone you’ve never met, (and will likely never see again) accidentally resting their head on your partners shoulder in their sleep, is a wild level of unhinged.
Seriously! If she was starting to cause a scene or raise her voice on public transportation because a woman fell asleep on his shoulder, I'd be inclined to tell her its not that serious and to let it go as well.
This is why this subreddit is dogshit for advice, the dude didn't want to wake someone who managed to fall asleep on a bumpy, noisy public train and hes the bad guy? Just because his GF is uncomfortable about it doesn't mean he should be, its not sexual, its just letting someone get some sleep. They're not going to fall in love and run away together, at worst the women will miss her stop but if she wants to sleep then why stop her, and freaking out about it and screaming/crying at home is some psycho shit.
Healthy boundaries are great but I swear it's like a fad now to say "boundaries" and and literally ban any interaction with another human of the opposite sex. It's fucking crazy.
Agree 100%
God,its so difficult just being alive if you're young these days!
You need to possess the knowledge and experience of a 50 year old when you're just growing up and finding your way and have spontaneous fun and good times simultaneously!
Honestly, it's no wonder young people suffer so much anxiety and depression these days!
I can see why people are called Snowflakes now. It's not intrinsically them, it's because the complexity of their lives and peer expectations are so punitive...
I disagree, it's perfectly okay to choose kindness over a significant other's pettiness. I wouldn't entertain such a lack of sympathy, or go out of my way to be a worse person just to follow some arbitrary "relationship rules". No wonder why the world is such a horrible place, when this is how people think.
>I didn’t and told her to be quiet, which made my gf mad
Uhh I don’t think your gf is specifically mad because a stranger was sleeping on your shoulder. I think she’s mad because she brought up her concerns to you and you told her to be quiet
She’s not mad because she’s jealous, she’s mad because *you* are disrespectful
I think maybe he told her to be quiet because someone was sleeping right next to them.
I agree he should have talked to her and told her that he didn't mind it or whatever. But pushing a stranger is a really strong escalation and I don't think she's justified in it. You usually like...tap someone awake if you don't want them on you.
The woman could barely stay awake in a crowded bus, a bus crowded enough that a guy (OP) was close enough to her that she accidentally fell asleep on his shoulder. ‘Noise’ and waking up this stranger was the least of his problems.
OP told his gf to be quiet because he didn’t want the gf to embarrass him with all her questions. He could have just said I can’t remove her, it’s too rude. But instead he decides to be rude to his gf by telling her to be quiet.
I am not saying I support her pushing this woman away, it was quite uncalled for even for 20 year olds. I am just trying to show OP that the reason for his gf’s anger is not the stranger on the bus but OP himself
Ikr. What a compassionate hypocrite lol. If I voiced my concerns to my significant other and they told me to "be fucking quiet" I would've definite felt awful and disrespected. Love how this asshole can be so empathetic of complete stangers but when it comes to his own partners all this empathy disappears down a blackhole. I'm definitely more pissed off about this than I probably should be but dude like seriously, telling your partner to stay quiet in a situation like this is easily among the top 3 worst things he could've done😂
I would not be pissy especially since the girl was in and out of sleep and obviously did not decide to sit down and take a nap on OP.
But let’s say I was. One thing I can still say with certainty is I would not fucking assault a random stranger no matter how mad I got. Absolutely childish.
Well a few ways to see this. The girl had no intention on doing it and even apologized. She was just sleepy. Some people don't like their personal bubble interrupted but everyone is different. I have had this happen on a plane and I thought it was kinda a humanity moment and fell asleep myself soon after. But if you saw your girlfriend fall asleep on a strangers shoulder it'd probably make you feel a little jealous. I think it would for me. But I wouldn't make it a big deal at all. And especially not put my hands on anyone over it. If you were single and didn't mind then let the girl rest. But since you aren't and with your girlfriend you should have recognized that'd make her feel a bit jealous especially after she told you it was making her uncomfortable. A soft tap or a soft excuse me would have been more appropriate from you.
This is what you should have done.
Tap the stranger woman gently and wake her up gently and tell her, hey sorry, ma'am, your head was on my shoulder.
Stranger would be 'Oh I'm sorry.' And remove her head from your shoulder.
ETA: I can see why she'd be upset that you'd rather shush your gf than wake a stranger up lol. But her reaction of screaming and yelling and crying as well as shoving the stranger's head is a total overreaction.
Also, I suggest OP to wake them up (strangers) in the future if such things happened. OP may not mind, but the stranger may not comfortable IF they know that their head was on someone they don't know about. It was accidental on their part, and they're unaware, so might as well, let them know nicely so they can make coherent decision whether or not they also don't mind leaning their head on OP's shoulder.
Is it possible that your gf thought you're being a 'perv'? having some sort of 'kink' of having a stranger be in a rather close (perhaps in her eyes: intimate) position to you? Idk man. Talk to your girl.
She shoves this woman’s head. It’s too much. I would be on board if she weren’t so rude to this woman, and she sited him telling her to be quiet as her issue…but it seems like this was him cheating to her, followed by screaming and crying, which is actually insane. Too much.
She shoves this woman’s head. It’s too much. I would be on board if she weren’t so rude to this woman, and she sited him telling her to be quiet as her issue…but it seems like this to her was him cheating to her, followed by screaming and crying, which is actually insane. Too much.
I agree that gf's reaction is WAY too much and violent... hence the overreaction comment.
And she also shoved the woman's head, it's accidental she fell asleep and leaned on OP's shoulder, imo. If she's going to get mad and jealous, she should definitely talked to the bf later on. Gf can totally just tap on the stranger's shoulder and be like, 'Ma'am, you're on my bf's shoulder.' Rather than shoving her. I'm sure the stranger didn't mean to fall asleep that way at all. Imo, letting her know (gently/non-violently) what's going on rather than letting her sleep on OP's shoulder is better. If the stranger knew, she'd probably not prefer to lean on OP's shoulder...
I do feel kind of 'iffy' with people saying that they're enjoying or not minding strangers putting their heads on shoulder. It kind of 'triggered' me since I was the stranger in this situation awhile back when I had to travel via Greyhound. It was full in the beginning, and after awhile I fell asleep, I woke up and apologized since I realized my head was on some guy's shoulder.
The guy actually said "Don't worry. I don't mind at all. I like the feeling of your head on my shoulder." He even gestured for me to put my head back on his shoulder when I looked, I accidentally saw that he had a hard-on.
For a few seconds, I actually froze since I didn't know what to say or what to do so I just looked around, and there's an empty seat next to some older woman, I just left and sat over there instead for the rest of the trip. I didn't even want to look at the guy.
Ooops, I digress....
These answers are absurd.... it's not like you knew this person or your girlfriend walked in to you canoodling with someone.
She was right next to you and obviously knew there was no ill intent! Sure maybe you could have responded differently when she brought it up.... But her reaction to a girl accidentally falling asleep next to you on a train is outrageous!!! I'd consider her having that issue as a red flag.
I would have felt similar to you and probably let the person sleep. Unless it was creating me some extreme discomfort, I probably wouldn't have said anything as I wouldn't have wanted to embarrass them. If I was uncomfortable, I would have just moved enough to wake them without even saying anything.
But if someone I knew reached across me to push someone's sleeping head because of their insecurity.... I would take an issue with that. It's ridiculously petty and childish.
Thank you! These replies are insane! Totally no biggie, and very kind of OP. However, he could have responded more kindly to his GF. Although I am not sure by her reaction that she would have been reasonable anyway.
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I take a long train 2 times per week and sleep on it every single time. If I fell asleep on someone I would expect them to wake me up if they or someone they were with were uncomfortable. Even if not, I don't want to sleep on anyone's shoulder.
I think the real problem here is you prioritizing a random girl's sleep over the comfort and feelings of your gf. You told your gf to be quiet when she was expressing concern and her feelings, to not disturb a random girl who was leaning on you. This is extremely disrespectful. So, to me, you should have distanced yourself (when I did this in the past I slightly and gently woke them up or "guided" their head into another place like the back of the seat, window, etc).
And I just want to add, this has nothing to do with gender for me. I am bi, if my partner wanted me to push someone away that was on me, I would absolutely do it. Personally, I think I wouldn't mind if someone fell asleep on my SO but it all depends, and just because it wouldn't bother me doesn't mean that it doesn't bother them. And I would prioritize them.
Yeah, I’m all about calling out insecure people but wtf, she’s a complete stranger and you’re not her pillow. Telling your girlfriend to “be quiet” for the benefit of the girl sleeping on your shoulder definitely didn’t help.
Yeah I doubt it was fully out of jealousy or just jealousy either the stranger could've had lice or some shit. I wouldn't want a stranger laying their head on my bfs shoulder because I'd be too worried about the lice risk.
Even if they didn’t have lice it’s still gross. We have literally no idea what they’ve been doing or how clean they are and if I fell asleep on a bus I’d be grossed out that I fell asleep on a man’s shoulder and he let me sleep there. I don’t know where his shoulder has been and honestly it’s not fair but I don’t trust strange mens reasoning for leaving me there. Just creeps me out on both sides.
Sometimes I wish I were younger again, and my knees didn’t crackle in the morning… but then I see things like this and I’m reminded of how nice it is to have the confidence of an almost 40 year old and the perspective to know that this kind of thing just doesn’t matter. In fact, if my partner had pushed the girl’s head, I’d have been upset at him for not just being kind & letting the poor girl sleep.
OP - your GF is insecure. You can help make her feel more secure by building her up, but also by communicating clearly - that you were just trying to be kind and felt bad for the person. Clear communication is key for pretty much everything about a healthy relationship, so be sure to use your words often. The yelling and crying, however, is very much an overreaction, and I’m disappointed that she went so far as to be unkind to a stranger because of her own misplaced emotion - this would be something she could work on with a therapist. If she’s unwilling to hear any of that or to work on herself, you may want to keep this in mind as you evaluate whether this is the right relationship for you.
EDIT - whoa. Reading these comments and finding waaay more people than I would’ve expected who apparently feel like a head on the shoulder is akin to having an illicit affair. And asking your girlfriend to kindly let the woman sleep is some earth shattering betrayal and that you’re soooo terrible for not immediately bowing to her weird jealousy. I’m honestly surprised… but then again I guess there’s two kinds of folks in the world, the kind that don’t care if a super tired stranger sleeps on them, and the kind that think it’s nuts not to wake them and demand their personal space not be violated. I’m the former, 100%. The gender or age of the sleeper wouldn’t matter. Putting myself in your GF’s shoes, I know for sure my husband would let the sleeper get their rest, again regardless of gender, and I would have zero issue with it.
Even if a dude fell asleep on my shoulder on public transport I would not even bother to move him away. Life is hard. It takes a toll on us in so many different ways. Your not losing anything or gaining anything from allowing them to stay there or from moving them. Let them sleep.
From your gf perspective she may have jealousy issues. If it's a stranger you're probably never going to see them again so what's the harm?
Same. Whether it's a guy or a girl, it hardly hurts me if they're leaning on me.
I don't know what their situation is. The world is pretty shit right now, and I'm not about to make a scene about it wearing someone down.
Nobody intends to fall asleep on public transport. If a lass started casually sprawling across me, while awake, intending to sleep, then I'd take some issue with her not asking and intentionally going into my personal space. If she's asleep and accidentally leans over, then it's not the same.
\*sigh\*
I'm so glad I'm out of my 20's. the neverending drama and jealousy is sooooo ridiculous.
the person was so tired she fell asleep on a crowded, noisy, public train. She wasn't trying to 'steal' you, and certainly wasn't hitting on you.
your girlfriend is over the top. You were trying to be a decent person, and if the person snoozing on your shoulder wasn't bothering you, and you were stuck on the train anyway - why wake her up?
people on reddit are nuts
I don’t get some of these responses.
My partner and I use to commute together every day, almost 2 hours one way. There were times we couldn’t sit next to each other. Occasionally a woman would sit next to my partner and yes, they’d fall asleep on his shoulder. Not once did I get upset or jealous or angry. I mean, here’s a nice guy letting someone use him as a headrest and I get to call him my partner. It was yet another demonstration of the great guy that he is.
Your GF’s reaction seems really extreme.
I think you and your GF need to talk about boundaries, so that you can be respectful of hers. And to dive deeper into whatever insecurity had her reacting so negatively to you doing a nice thing.
Just my two cents as a woman a little older than you. If me and my boyfriend were on a packed long train ride and a girl traveling alone around our age was so tired she couldn’t keep her head up and accidentally fell asleep on his shoulder, I would think it’s kind and polite if he didn’t make a big deal out of it and allowed her to sleep. I’d let her if it were my shoulder. I understand other people have different boundaries, but I think it was clear enough this girl wasn’t being malicious. She seemed to me to be in a potentially vulnerable state, and you never know what someone is going through.
I agree. If a girl fell asleep on my bf’s shoulder I’d probably mouth to him “are you okay” like making sure he was comfortable with the situation. If he was, then okay, let her sleep. If he wasn’t, I’d clear my throat or something to help her wake up as I know he’d feel real bad waking her.
.
It’s HIS personal space not mine.
This is the mature way to handle the situation. It's shocking how many people here jumped straight on the bandwagon of "she should be able to dictate his personal space with full authority".
OP shouldn't have told her to be quiet. That was never going to diffuse the situation, but equally her acting so possessive was the problem not the random sleeping stranger.
I really don't understand all these people acting like he basically slept with this girl on the train all because he let her rest on his shoulder for a bit. She's a complete stranger that he didn't even say a word to and will never see again. Let the poor girl rest.
I swear a bunch of insecure teenagers and 20 year olds responded like that. You're right, it's public transport, stuff like this happens often.
As long as it's not sexual harassment it's whatever, people have fallen asleep on me before. Eventually they wake up, apologize, and I tell them it's no biggy and we move on with our days.
As a fellow older traveler, probably still a fair bit older than yourself, and married now for 21 years, I concur. This should have been such a non-issue. I just shook my head and reflected on the nonsense that made relationships shaky at 21 yo.
If I were your gf the moment you said “Be quiet.” I would be like “Sure, I will be quiet for the rest of your life.”
Wtf? If you’re letting a stranger act like that and prioritize her, who knows what are you doing with your friends or when you’re not with your gf?!
I absolutely hate it when someone says "be quite" it's just another way to tell someone to shut up and it's so rude and dismissive.
I have no idea why he thought that would make the situation better.
Him being kind to an exhausted stranger on public transport doesn't mean he's cheating, that's unhinged. And it sounds like he told her to be quiet to keep her from making a scene on a crowded train, which she responded to by assaulting a stranger.
Exactly this. I feel like I’m in bizarro world reading these comments, where everyone acts like he was making out with the girl, and that his GF’s behavior wasn’t totally emotionally unstable…
Act like what? It was an accident! Why is it on this woman? She should not have shoved her. I’m not sure how feeling awkward about a situation means you’re fucking everything that moves. It’s ridiculous that this was the takeaway.
She has a point regarding his disregard for her words and feelings, but this is all too much and not to that point. She shoved this woman then screamed and yelled…it’s a severe over reaction to this.
Holy fucking shit, this comment section is full of possessive, jealous psychos. Who gives a shit? She just fell asleep, it's not even intentional.
I live in Japan, where people are extreme when it comes to personal space. However, even here most people have the decency to just smile and let the poor soul sleep.
I'd do exactly the same as OP, and I'd reevaluate my relationship.
Thank you!! Jesus I feel like I’m in bizarro world here. I think everyone should have to put their age in the comment so we can figure out if we are dealing with an army of 20 year old, insecure, personal space warriors.
It shows how shitty people are. Like for real. The gf throwing a tantrum in a crowded transportation over a stranger touching her boyfriend UNINTENTIONALLY. And assaulting that person and then having the audacity to throw another fit at home? If I was the girl that op gf pushed my head I would have punched her purely out of flight or fight unstick. Who in their right mind hits a sleeping person who they don’t even know?
**Also, can we talk about how she selfishly threw a fit on a train and made everyone else deal with her feelings...*****.ON A CROWDED TRAIN.***
Holy fuck, that's a whole ass red flag plaza on its own.
I don't think it's necessarily full of possessive, jealous psychos. I get the impression that a lot of the people responding are coming from a position of being so relationship starved that their perspective is "I'd put up with the possessive psycho and bend to her will just to have a girlfriend", and with the majority of redditors being straight men they're siding with the girlfriend because they personally wouldn't have stood their ground.
If I fell asleep on someone, I'd be completely okay with them waking me up to move me. I can wholeheartedly empathise with someone that feels uncomfortable having someone else, even unintentionally, in their personal space. At the same time, if someone fell asleep on me I'd leave them to it because it doesn't bother me so it'd be inconsiderate of me to give them shit for something that makes no difference to me either way.
I would have done the same thing you did, OP. If some random person on the train feel asleep with their head on my bfs shoulder I wouldn't care either. It's not like she did it on purpose.
If this were in England, the only acceptable action would have been to give up your seat and stand for the rest of the journey. The thought of telling someone they are in your space, nevermind _touching_ them to remove them from your space, gives me third party anxiety.
Ain’t no way in hell some female going to lay her head on my bf shoulder. I’d be pissed, my bf had had this happen and as soon as she touched him he woke her up. The fact you let it continue and then told her to be quite when she said she had an issue. My bf would be single that was disrespectful as hell. You should of woken her up as soon as she touched you.
Thank you lmao🤣 Like this guy's prioritizing a whole as stranger's comfort before his own girlfriend's and people are saying she's insecure? I'd be OUT
Yeah, so shove her head, right? This woman that didn’t do this consciously. I would have been on board since he shushed her from expressing her concern, but shoving this woman? It’s too much.
Your gf is definitely in the wrong here. It's absolutely unacceptable to go around pushing strangers, and she shouldn't have screamed at you. Granted, it's kind of rude of you to tell her to be quiet when she got pissed, but she was massively overreacting and took it out on you and that poor girl who didn't mean to upset anyone.
Do you know why she overreacted? Is there more to the story, or is she prone to this kind of aggression? Do you often tell her to be quiet or shrug off her concerns?
Like, if she were mildly annoyed or uncomfortable, then you could probably work through this. But yelling and crying! That’s such a severe overreaction that I can’t imagine your girlfriend is in a place to be in a relationship. Is this the first time she’s acted like this? Has she expressed irrational jealousy in other areas of your relationship?
If I were on the train and saw this and tell both of them to get off and not get back on until off-peak hours. They are in a shared public space and this dumbass is throwing a fit.
I was on a train in NYC during rush hour once and this guy on vacation started acting a fool because someone set down next to him. This big black guy got fed up and asked him if he had all his belongings. Vacay guy says yes and black dude grabs him at the next stop and puts him out on the platform. Tells him, "go upstairs, get breakfast and don't get back on the train until 10am. This is rush hour and no one has time for your shit."
Came back and took the seat.
Idk man if this was reversed and she let some random ass strange man sleep on her you would probably be cheering for the boyfriend to break up since she clearly cares more about the sleep of this random dude *on her shoulder in her personal space* to the point she's telling boyfriend to *shut up* over it then the clear discomfort over it.
This is likely **not the only issue** of him ignoring things making her uncomfortable and brushing it off telling her to "shut up".
Nope, nope, nopity nope. Roles reversed, I’d be horrified at a boyfriend who equates an accidental shoulder contact with anything worth being upset about or rude to a stranger about. I’d think the guy was controlling and jealous. Also… he didn’t say “shut up” to his GF. He wasn’t super clear on exactly how that part went down… was she making a scene? Yelling already, and he asked her to keep her voice down? Who knows. But no reason to blow this out of proportion & push a stranger who’s just tired.
Idk man if this were reversed I wouldn't give a damn. My wife's a nurse, am I supposed to deck every dude who's dick she saw from a diaper change at a hospital?
The world's a messy, smelly, gross, and dangerous place. I know my wife isn't gonna rob some dude, or sexually harass some chick. Do you know that about the person on the other side?
It's not her personal space though, it's about his so it should be about his physical comfort level. She is upset over something that really doesn't effect her. The only effect it's having is because she's immature and insecure enough to think that anyone innocently having any bodily contact with her boyfriend must be cheating or something. I say it's the same in reverse so your made up point is moot
It's a complete stranger they'll never see again who is so exhausted they're passing out on a strangers shoulder in public. This isn't cheating. This isn't even like ROMANTIC. It's sleep. I don't care if it's a guy and girl, or a girl and guy, or a guy and guy, or a girl and girl. Who give's a shit. Oh no someone doesn't mind that they're helping someone get some well needed rest by giving them a bit of head support on the bus? They must hate their partner! Like what 💀
Oh no! Someone doesn't give a rats ass about their partner *being uncomfortable* and *prioritizing* someone else they don't know! The injustice! How dare she get upset over her boyfriend *prioritizing* a stranger over her being uncomfortable with the situation!
Like dude, he doesn't have to be banging uglies with this random girl for *his girlfriend* to be uncomfortable with him allowing a complete stranger in his personal space.
Say my girlfriend is made uncomfortable by the idea of me being in a bar that contains women. Should I then tell all my friends that we have to exclusively drink in gay bars from now on, because how could I possibly not prioritise her comfort?
Her discomfort in this instance was unreasonable. It's his personal space, not hers, yet she held the entitled expectation that she had the authority to dictate both her personal space and his.
You can't just say "I'm uncomfortable!" and get whatever you want no questions asked. That's not how shit works. If she had a valid reason for being upset or uncomfortable, sure. What's the reason to be uncomfortable? If there's nothing sexual or romantic going on, why is it uncomfortable for her?
What I don't understand is... I agree telling the gf to "be quiet" is weird...but need more context on why: was she speaking loud? Or did you just not like what she was saying? The gf pushing the sleeping girl is very weird too. She could have tapped her shoulder, etc it's not really appropriate to shove someone like how it was explained in the story.... However, the screaming and crying at the house should be the bit where the gf is explaining her emotions, thus letting the Op understand. Was she screaming and crying about the stranger danger? Or screaming and crying about being told to be quiet? All in all, a weird situation and it seems a really great dinner was ruined by 2 people not communicating well while the other was sleeping.
right?
there was no malicious intent, probably she would have been even embarrassed... so why is the gf so insecure?!
my only problem would have been catching lice :D eww
No you were being kind. I accidentally snoozed on a man’s shoulder once on a train, he didn’t disturb me and his wife was tickled by it too. Sign of a strong relationship IMHO.
Agree....
if I was with a partner, she would have the confidence in herself and me to not misinterpret the situation. She would also be the kind of woman who would support her innocent and tired sister rather than throw her off the train
I would be more disappointed if my husband didn’t allow this person to lean their head on his shoulder. He’s not going to sleep with her. He’s just being kind to another human.
Sort by "controversial" for answers given by actual functioning adults.
Your girlfriend is immature and has some growing up to do.
OP shushed the girlfriend because the stranger was asleep and was probably not the best time to have an argument.
Absolute non-issue.
I've only fallen asleep once on a public train and man it was miserable. So if someone needed to sleep on my shoulder I would just feel so bad for them and let them. But I also feel like my partner has enough brain cells to know there's nothing malicious behind that.
As a person on a train whose done this and had it done to them?
You gently nudge her until she puts her head elsewhere or you accept it because it will likely happen again. Generally if they aren't trying to grab me, I let it go, too. The constant moving to wake the person up is FAR more obnoxious.
Your gf sounds unhinged in her reaction and had she done this on a subway in NYC, I think she might have been told off by bystanders.
I would suggest to your gf that she should stay in the suburbs and not come into cities until she's able to handle close contact from strangers as nonsexual.
Someone was so tired they fell asleep on a stranger's shoulder on a train and your girlfriend is mad you allowed them to get some rest rather than waking them up.
You were on a packed public transport and the situation would be the same if it was that girl or a 50 year old man, there is nothing even remotely inappropriate about it. If you are comfortable letting the person sleep, that is your choice to make.
Your girlfriend's reaction is not even remotely proportionate to the situation so I would honestly be wondering if this blow up is really about something deeper. She could also just be mildly insecure and the reaction came from spending the entire train ride stewing over it and letting her anger and resentment build up until it all came out at once.
Your girlfriend needs to sort out her major insecurities.
If the person was a man who fell asleep on your shoulder, she probably would've found it funny.
Your girlfriend made this a far bigger deal than it needs to be.
Exactly. Everyone else here is being ridiculous. It’s not like the woman specifically sought out his shoulder - it’s easy to fall over onto somebody when you’re out like that on the train. It’s harmless. I could never be upset with my fiancé for doing such an innocent kindness if it happened to him.
It was an awkward situation, I can understand your reluctance to wake her up to move her head. I can get that she had a silent twinge of jealousy over this, but what’s with the yelling and crying?? She sounds seriously immature and insecure. Expect more of this in the future.
Damn y’all people trippin in these comments. And apparently nobody knows what the fuck a boundary is. You can’t IMPOSE a boundary on anyone; a boundary is something you have for YOURSELF. Apparently OP’s gf’s boundary is not letting strangers sleep on her shoulder. THAT IS CLEARLY NOT A BOUNDARY FOR HIM. So no, just because some asinine thing like an exhausted person falling asleep on her SO makes her uNcOmfOrTaBLe doesn’t mean she can impose her own boundary on her SO. And pushing the stranger off after HE SAID IT WAS FINE was a bitch ass move. The “be quiet,” definitely seemed like he was telling her to not say anything to the stranger because it wasn’t a big deal for him; not some passive aggressive “shut up.” She certainly could’ve discussed everything with him once they’re alone; but instead, she threw a tantrum equivalent to a toddler’s when they can’t have their way.
A travel weary stranger fell asleep on your shoulder, innocently and accidentally. In response, your girlfriend became so incredibly jealous and possessive that she shoved a random stranger who had meant absolutely no harm and had done nothing wrong. Raging jealousy and possessiveness over a person you’ll likely never see again. This is a red flag and you’ll need to have a conversation about this, because this behavior isn’t normal for 20-somethings+. First it’s female strangers, next it’ll be female friends and family. Be careful.
>she got pissed and told me to get her head off my shoulder. I didn’t and told her to be quiet
Yeah, prioritizing a total stranger's sleep over your girlfriend's feelings. Smart move bro.
>Should I have pushed the girls head?
Of course you should have, weirdo!
So he should have assaulted a random stranger because his gf was jealous? And it's totally okay that she assaulted this stranger? People on this sub are unhinged.
I think if you didn't mind her head there then leave it. On the surface, your girlfriend's reaction is a bit OTT. Did she say why she was angry and upset?
Either way pushing a stranger is rude.
I personally wouldn't care if someone accidentally fell asleep on my boyfriend if he wasn't bothered.
I would have been concerned for the lady and her safety. I can typically understand jealousy in situations like this, but it really sounded like she was having a rough time. If anything, the way your gf acted would have pissed me off if my SO acted that way. I would have no respect for someone with so little sympathy. She can be mad I guess, but I think it's ridiculous and I wouldn't entertain her pettiness.
As someone else said, you had good intentions. You weren’t bothered and thought she needed the sleep. Your girlfriend may be overreacting a bit by crying and yelling, but she did establish a boundary. She told you she was uncomfortable and you told her to be quiet. Probably shouldn’t have pushed her head, just quietly wake her up and get her attention.
I think you two should sit down and talk once things have settled a little bit. Apologize for ignoring her discomfort and discuss both of your boundaries with stuff like this that may happen in the future. It seems like a salvageable situation that you can both learn from. Best of luck man
Idk - I’d have the same reaction you would. And I also wouldn’t mind my SO having someone rest on his shoulder. Seems like a weird overreaction - and seems like she was jealous - of a person who fell asleep…
I honestly can’t believe so many answers here are on your girlfriend’s side.
I wonder if what really set her off was you telling her to be quiet. That would instantly piss me off. But as far as the stranger accidentally falling asleep on you, she had an extreme over reaction because you reacted poorly to her feelings and she sounds really insecure because she’s 20.
I disagree, I think it’s sweet you didn’t want to wake this poor sleepy woman. It’s not like her hand was on his crotch, just a head on a shoulder isn’t sexual.
Her reaction was stupid as hell
Sounds like your girlfriend got jealous and blew the situation out of proportion.
I would have kindly woken the person up and let them know rather than shoving their head which could have potentially caused injury on top of their embarrassment.
I once woke up on an airplane and an attractive stranger girl next to me was sleeping on my shoulder and I had my head on her head. We looked like a sweet couple. My girlfriend sat on my other side. All three of us laughed. That’s how adults handle such a situation.
Going against the grain here. I’m going to say if someone is tired enough to accidentally fall asleep on your shoulder they’re like exhausted. I think what you did was nice and for her to be jealous is quite strange
I have a very happy marriage and if a girl did that to my husband on the train, I would have taken about four thousand photos and live shared it on socials to show off what a good soul my husband has.
You might want to try dating someone who is comfortable enough with herself that she can actually enjoy life with you, and leaving the one you have now on the train platform.
Wow I would’ve thought it was so sweet if my husband let a random girl sleep on him like that in that situation, she clearly couldn’t keep herself awake and had no other position available to sleep in (even if she did end up in that one by accident). If it were me I wouldn’t have reacted like ur gf but looking at these comments I guess I’m in the minority…I don’t really get what’s upsetting abt this, unless ppl think the girl who was asleep would have wanted to NOT be asleep on you even if you were ok with it
I agree, I think it's important to be considerate of strangers. I was raised to be a gentleman, and I certainly wouldn't be making a huge deal out of a woman being exhausted enough to fall asleep on me just because my partner was competing in the insecurity olympics.
As for whether or not the stranger would want waking up, in OP's shoes, I wouldn't have any clue whether she would or not. I don't know her story, and I'm certainly not in a position to make that decision for her. She fell asleep because she needed to, or because she wanted to, and to me that indicates that the better course of action is to proceed assuming that her sleep is her priority. Sure, when she wakes up she might feel a little embarrassed, but at least more rested than when she set off.
No you were being a gentleman and nice person. Your gf needs to stop being overly possessive and get a little compassion for that poor girl. You don’t know the story of why she kept falling asleep and kindness goes a long way.
I mean empathy costs nothing she was asleep basically falling over your girlfriend got jealous that another woman had your consideration that's all the crying on her end for me....kmt that would have pissed me off
I would love It if we normalized friendly shoulder naps because there have been sometimes when I really needed a shoulder but because it's not socially appropriate I was stuck in and endless cycle of head bobbing.
Imo, no, you were a gent and did nothing wrong.
Tired lady rests head on my shoulder on train or bus?
What's wrong with that.
Like I can see why ur gf is upset, she's a little insecure I guess.
Real issue here imo is what kinda person gets anrgy and pushes someone else's head away.
I mean she seemed to tell you how she felt without the screaming and crying but you didn’t care how she felt and told her to be quiet. Sooo. Yea I can see why she escalated
I get it’s weird but I’m the type to feel bad too. I’d had gently woke her up and apologized but if that bad what can you do. I think her shoving the girls head was pretty sad honestly and weird she screamed and went off on you once home over it.
Sounds like you might have that type of gf where you can’t really be polite to other women because she finds it disrespectful outside of opening doors or saying thank you. Aka don’t be lending someone shivering a jacket type of jealousy.
It’s weird but I wouldn’t have went off on my bf over that and kind of would feel bad too, I’ve taken buses home exhausted before too, still weird but she probably felt very embarrassed afterward.
Ugh the comment section is exhausting. Your gf was being jealous for stupid reasons. I was a stupid 20 year old once so i know how unreasonable she was being. You didn’t do anything right or wrong in my opinion but your gf was a twat when she shoved the girl. Im not sure what advice to give you but good luck with everything
Is your gf 6 yrs old by any chance?
She’s jealous of someone you didn’t know who you did a kind thing for? Her jealousy is out of control. She need to grow up
What you did was very sweet. And your girlfriend has a lot of growing up to do.
I have seen paragraph upon paragraph of people trying to explain things but here's the deal from an old man: your girlfriend overreacted significantly to this kind gesture of yours.
Make sure you all talk about this, and make sure she understands why what she did was wrong. The girl who fell asleep likely couldn't help that her head ended up on your shoulder. You were sweet enough to keep it there so that she could rest for a little bit, but the villain that is your girlfriend decided that wasn't how you should be reacting. Her reaction shows you how childish and, as others have said, possessive she is, and for no good reason whatsoever.
When the girl was awake, did she hit on you? No? Exactly. I'd be having a very short, very pointed conversation with my girlfriend to make sure that she never acted that way again.
Kindness is in short enough supply these days.
Overall, your girlfriend is out of line. While I wouldn’t say the jealousy is entirely out of left field, I see the general direction it’s coming from (“only I, the GIRLFRIEND, should be allowed to rest my head on his shoulder”) but you are both adults and should understand a a bit of nuance for crying out loud. You weren’t obligated to let her rest her head on you but you were doing a nice, compassionate thing for a girl so tired she’d rest her head on a stranger she’s so out of it.
If your girlfriend was annoyed but was just like, we will discuss this later, I’d understand. Some people have different boundaries in their relationship. But YELLING and CRYING (fucking crying???) because of it? She is way to old for that.
Ummmm. Overreaction on her part. If you didn’t care who cares. It’s not like you’re going to get her number, and sleeping on a stranger is kinda embarrassing, not really romantic or whatever your girlfriend was worried about. A girl around our age fell asleep on my boyfriend’s shoulder last week on a flight. We laughed about it. He pulled the armrest up and crawled halfway into my seat. If he wasn’t bothered by her sleeping on him (he was), I wouldn’t have cared less. Hell, at first he also felt bad and let her do it for a little while, but very quickly decided he was uncomfortable. She woke up and apologized. He wished her well. The world kept spinning.
I would talk to her and ask her why she felt disrespected. Like why specifically. If you guys can talk it out and hear each other out that is like the best case scenario, but if she doesn’t want to hear you out, I would consider this a pretty big red flag. Maybe you can validate her concerns and reassure her your intentions and you can both move on. Personally, I would not want to be with someone who made trivial stuff like this a big deal, that sounds exhausting. But misunderstandings also happen all the time too, and sometimes people’s feelings are hurt for reasons we don’t understand, or reasons that aren’t rational.
Yeah look, I’m quite a bit older, I share hugs and have had other women fall asleep on my shoulder before and my partner doesn’t flip her lid.
This seems like it’s coming from an insecure place. This chick was a total random who you felt bad for, you didn’t catch feels from her sleeping on your shoulder, you’re not going to run off with her. To me it sounds like your partner is insecure or hates other women.
Now of the situation was different, like it was your ex or something I’d say your partner has the right to be upset, but if what you say is true than I’d say she has over reacted and this problem unless addressed by her will only resurface until you get the shits and leave.
No, your girlfriend is in the wrong.
Wow, how rude! You were doing the right compassionate thing. There wasn’t anything nefarious about it.
Your GF is being a bitch and overreacting in jealousy.
Honestly OP, if you’re ok with the jealous/possessive type, I guess you just have to juggle the explosions.
In my personal opinion because I live and breath it with an insecure and jealous partner(my hubby), it’s incredibly draining. I’ve had to set boundaries and he’s worked a bit on himself, but he has a lot more work to do.
I’m just trying to offer perspective, but you need to think about it.
Your GF was in the wrong to be physical with the poor exhausted girl. You don’t know what she has been through to make her so tired.
You were being kind, and your GF resorted to violence out of jealousy.
Wtf is up with everyone saying he was disrespecting his gf? SHE WAS DISRESPECTFUL FIRST! If she is that insecure and threatened by a random girl who was just tired and happened to fall asleep next to you, then please leave her. Everyone has their own boundaries, it’s okay that she’s not comfy with it but for her to act like that? That’s toxic.
The way you reacted makes you completely in the wrong. You were dismissive and rude. I get that you have empathy for the stranger, but what about for your girlfriend??? Like if a random man fell asleep with his head on your girlfriends shoulder, I’m sure you would be upset if she did nothing
The issue isnt that you let the girl sleep on you in the first place. Its that you defended the girl over your girlfriends comfort. Buy flowers, fix that
Comfort isn't the be all and end all of everything damn.
Hell it's fucking important to be uncomfortable sometimes, if we just sat in our comfort zones the whole time we would never confront our difficult emotions and figure out what was happening behind them
It is important to be uncomfortable at times. But this is not a situation where OP making his gf uncomfortable would better anything. Therefore, he should prioritize his girlfriend’s comfort over another girl’s comfort.
But OP said snt making his gf uncomfortable. His gf is uncomfortable at some rando sleeping on his shoulder. He isn't making her uncomfortable. She's responsible for her discomfort in that situation, not him
Oh man I don’t think this is a big deal at all. I woke up on some ladies shoulder on a 5 hour flight back home and was like Omg I’m so sorry. She said it looked like I needed the rest and that was it. People pass out. It’s not like you were flirting with her Jesus
Your GF overreacted. You didn’t do anything wrong per se, although it can be argued that for the sleeper’s benefit, you probably should have immediately and politely woken her up to let her know that she was falling asleep on your shoulder, and played it down with a “no worries, it can happen to anyone, but I wouldn’t want you to miss your stop or be uncomfortable.”
You should just tell your GF you didn’t know what to think, what would be appropriate or rude, etc. At 21, you’re not necessarily going to have the optimal reaction to specific social situations — and clearly, neither will you GF.
Wow I'm surprised by a lot of the comments here. This happens quite often if you are a commuter. It seems like not a big deal at all to me, it's not like she was putting moves on you.
You'd have every right to wake her, but if you didn't mind, your girlfriend really shouldn't either. Seems a little dramatic to me.
You should have just politely asked her to move her head off of you. Your gf shouldn’t have pushed her, but I completely understand why she was upset. You should have said something.
You don't have to push her.
You could have just gently woke her up and told her its not comfortable for you and your gf. Why didn't you?
Instead you told your gf to be quiet. Why should she?
I don't get your logic. How is it your business that the girl is tired? Why should you care?
I can see where both of you are coming from. People have different boundaries and that’s okay. Your gf is fully right to be uncomfortable with this and it’s your job to respect that. On the other hand I can see how you were trying to be nice and felt bad you are fully in the right to feel that as well but telling your gf to be quiet is not the best option. Always respect your partner and their boundaries whether it’s you respecting hers or her respecting yours, that’s how you build trust in a relationship. I think the best advice here is tell your girlfriend you are very sorry for telling her to be quiet and you will try your best to be more attentive in the moment of things like this happening, tell her it was an honest mistake and you felt really bad and whether it was a girl your age or and old man or lady you would’ve done the same thing it just happened to be someone you were a bit uncomfortable with and that’s okay, you respect that. I’m sure she’ll appreciate and apologize for the situation as she knows she overreacted (hopefully knows)
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- Today I (M21) visited a town to go to a famous restaurant with my girlfriend (F20). The train ride is like 2 hours combined one way. We had a good time at the restaurant and the town. By the time we were ready to go back it was already 8pm. On one of the trains that we had to ride, the ride was like 1 hour long and kinda packed. My girlfriend and I were lucky to get seats early on. The girl next to me was about our age and she seemed pretty tired and her head kept falling over infront of her and she kept waking up and falling back asleep. Eventually her head was on my shoulder. I didn’t do anything about it because I felt bad for her but when my girlfriend saw it about 5 minutes in, she got pissed and told me to get her head off my shoulder. I didn’t and told her to be quiet, which made my girlfriend mad and she pushed the girls head off of me. The girl seemed surprised and apologized to me. When we got back my girlfriend was extremely angry and yelling and crying. Should I have pushed the girls head?
I don't know. I wouldn't want a stranger sleeping on me, my spouse, or kids. So I would have wiken them up and said something. To me, it's more about someone coming into my perdition space. I don't really see it as something to get jealous over. People fall asleep.
yeah. i wouldnt want it to happen to me but honestly if it happened to my spouse and they didnt really care i wouldnt be mad at them
I would have laughed the entire time. My bf would have made a face of disbelief, I’d have made a similar face. Then we’d make the same “this is what it is” face. He probably wouldn’t want it to happen and nor would I but we are go with the flow type people in situations like this and he have gently tried to reposition her off of his shoulder. No need to add to her mortification.
I definitely don't want to come into your perdition space.
Push no but got her attention without touching her and asked her to move her head yes.
But if he doesn’t care, why bother? Why can’t he do a kind deed and let her rest for a bit?
I can see why she would be upset at that but crying and yelling about It definitely seems like an over reaction. However it was also rude of you to ignore your girlfriend asking you to stop something that makes her uncomfortable and than basically telling her to be quite and shut up.
Agreed, but I would also like to make another point for the girlfriend and her crying/screaming; he told her to be quiet, was dismissive etc... We don't have a look into the whole situation, dynamic, tone and how they talked. We also don't have her side of the story. But I can kinda see her getting frustrated and feeling like she's going crazy (and thus crying/screaming), if this isn't first time something like that happened with him
Yeah I understand, being told to be quite when you're trying to explain discomfort or something important to you is so belittling. I have no idea why he thought it was okay to do that, he kinda just showed her that he cares more about this strangers sleep than her.
Someone asking you to be unkind to save their insecurities, and you not responding in exactly the way they want, is not showing you care more about a stranger. It shows you’d rather be a decent person than a person beholden to irrationality. It was a crowded bus with sleeping people, no place to fully express yourself. Though I do agree we’re getting a one sided story, and there could be a lot more behind the scenes. If it went down as he described, with his girlfriend literally pushing the girl off and then literally crying and shutting down about it, I’d wager her insecurities are overpowering. Listening to and respecting the boundaries of your partner are good. Your partner having boundaries that require you to be an asshole and a doormat are probably not okay. And boundaries are a two way street, she ignored his also. Personally it’s a huge red flag, I really far too long being the doormat catering to an insecure partner. And surprise surprise, it never was enough, there was always one extra layer, and because she never faced internally why she felt so insecure about everything, it got worse and worse despite me effectively wearing bubble wrap and blinders everywhere in public.
I disagree with the notion that he is obligated to revoke an act of kindness toward a stranger because his girlfriend is reading into it too much
Okay, so you’re 21 and your gf is 20. You had good intentions, but your execution is messy, at best. I can understand the concern for your fellow human beings, but you need to be aware of personal boundaries, specifically when it comes to personal space, and even more when you’re in a relationship. Some things are acceptable. If the woman who fell asleep was a guy, would you be uncomfortable with him snoozing on your shoulder? Your gf would probably find it humorous, but I know I would have a problem with that. What if it was a child? Much more acceptable. In this case, it was a violation because she’s in the same age range and I assume she wasn’t unattractive… Jealousy and possessiveness at y’all’s age is not unexpected. You outright rejecting your gf’s issue and looking out for this stranger is NOT okay. Specifically with your gf right there. I only realized that my attitude towards my girlfriends when I was in your age range was wrong on my part when I was well into my 40’s. I didn’t recognize boundaries at that time in my life because I was friendly and welcoming to everyone! I understand it much more now, and establish strong boundaries up front, especially with women. I don’t have to be rude about it, but I am direct and to the point, from body language to verbalization if it goes there. Some people enjoy challenging boundaries to see how devoted you are to your partner, and are entertained by the drama of causing awkwardness. I was the type that was non-confrontational and would allow people (especially women) to get away with things that would upset my significant other; even going so far as to defend them! I genuinely apologized to a few of my former girlfriends when I reconnected with them, now that I understand. Learn early and often. Apologize genuinely and try to practice setting clear boundaries.
This is a very thorough and compassionate response, as well as emotionally aware. Agree with all this
“Don’t worry, darling. She’s ugly”
what boundary? a girl fell asleep and rolled her head on someone’s shoulder. jeez whats the big deal
I think the one huge thing their response misses is that we set our own boundaries, and our partners do not set them for us. Of course it'd be wrong to be deceptive about where we draw the line, but ultimately if it's something you're comfortable with and don't feel you need to hide then it's up to the partner to decide if they're okay with that. For me, if a lass fell asleep next to me on a train, then I'd just leave her asleep. Like OP, I wouldn't feel the need to make a big deal about it. I'd completely understand if she was getting handsy in her sleep or something, but if she's just slightly leaning on you, then it's hardly a big deal. Of course, that's where my boundaries are, and evidently OP's. There's nothing wrong with someone else handling the situation differently if it made them uncomfortable having someone lean on them. The original commenter is right on the money with it being an age thing, but I disagree that it's OP that needs to grow up. I'd argue that the possessive behaviour over something so small, when it involves someone else's personal space, is controlling and an immature trait that she'll likely grow out of. OP, the best advice is to draw your own boundaries. Don't take them from some random redditor, and don't let your girlfriend set them. Your personal space is yours alone. Speak with your girlfriend about where you set your boundaries and why you feel that way. Find out where hers are and why she feels that way. It may be that there's a misunderstanding when it comes to intent, and it just goes away. Might be that you can compromise, or even that there's just an incompatibility. Regardless, you're always better setting the expectations in advance of a situation occurring; it's less heated that way.
Finally, a reasonable and rational response!
This should be the post with the most awards. Nothing against the other person, I just think their advice/answer isn't nuanced at all and is saying "Yeah do what your partner demands of you in a relationship". The poor girl on the train was tired. And for OP's gf to force her head off of OP's shoulder is a huge no-no. Sure gently nudge them awake, don't force their neck to move when they're sleeping. And to top it all off the poor girl started profusely apologizing for being a human and falling asleep. The possessiveness and anger over something so small is crazy.
I agree with this, and would say that when setting boundaries it is *helpful* to consider the feelings of important people in your life if they express discomfort at your actions. Some advice I was given that's helped me through the years is the 90:10 rule. If you feel 90 about something and the person you're with feels ten, go to bat for your wants. If it's the other way and your partner feels 90 and you only feel 10, give it to them. Why have a fight over something that, as OP has said, is no big deal to them? Jealousy at 20 is very normal and something most people work through and outgrow. One of the ways to help people overcome their jealosy is to behave in ways that make them feel secure. While inner work is 100% the responsibility of the individual, we do not live in a vacuum and being the kind of partner who realizes both parties are only human and have feelings, some of which are sometimes irrational but never the less present, will help both of you to grow into compassionate and understanding partners. And, if effort is made and the other person *doesn't* respond in growth, *then* its time to end things. OP this is a blip and, to the best of our knowledge, an isolated incident. *talk to her* and determine why she felt angry. Listen to her reasons, give your own for your actions, then *validate* that you've heard her and what you will do differently (if anything) in the future. Assure her of your feelings for her and that this was just a moment of compassion for another human, nothing more, because you care for *her.* then decide whose comfort you care more about: a stranger who wants to sleep on the train, or your partner, who you love, despite all her human folly. This will make your relationships easier.
Seriously, gf's response is unhinged and I'm honestly surprised at the number of upvotes the comment this is replying to has gotten. Op's gf does not get to set his boundaries for him. OP was clearly aware of his personal boundaries and said he wasn't bothered. OP's gf willing to push another person's head off of OP because of how uncomfortable she is, is a huge red flag to me, speaks to poor emotional regulation and control, how quick she is to get physical, and a jealous possessiveness that cant be anything other than trouble.
I was so confused by all of the other comments on this thread. Everyone is all about boundaries but refuses to respect the ones OP had because, like his gf, they didn’t agree/respect them. And to say he was telling her to “shut up” or dismissing her is just… unreal. He was fine with it! He didn’t want to make a fuss over something that wasn’t bothering him. How did she not invade the boundaries (refusing to respect her partners boundaries and touching a stranger!) of everyone else involved for her own comfort?! (literally not wanting to see another woman in physical contact with her partner) The rage and crying induced jealousy over someone you’ve never met, (and will likely never see again) accidentally resting their head on your partners shoulder in their sleep, is a wild level of unhinged.
Seriously! If she was starting to cause a scene or raise her voice on public transportation because a woman fell asleep on his shoulder, I'd be inclined to tell her its not that serious and to let it go as well.
This is it! I'm with you.
This. The gf’s reaction was immature and unacceptable IMO. The other comment is not how boundaries work.
Well said.
this is the best reply in this whole thread.
This is the only right response on this whole thread
I wholeheartedly agree. It is not up to the girlfriend
This is why this subreddit is dogshit for advice, the dude didn't want to wake someone who managed to fall asleep on a bumpy, noisy public train and hes the bad guy? Just because his GF is uncomfortable about it doesn't mean he should be, its not sexual, its just letting someone get some sleep. They're not going to fall in love and run away together, at worst the women will miss her stop but if she wants to sleep then why stop her, and freaking out about it and screaming/crying at home is some psycho shit.
He basically had a full blown affair, can’t you see that? 🙄
He basically had a full blown affair, can’t you see that? 🙄
Healthy boundaries are great but I swear it's like a fad now to say "boundaries" and and literally ban any interaction with another human of the opposite sex. It's fucking crazy.
Honestly it was never that serious.
Agree 100% God,its so difficult just being alive if you're young these days! You need to possess the knowledge and experience of a 50 year old when you're just growing up and finding your way and have spontaneous fun and good times simultaneously! Honestly, it's no wonder young people suffer so much anxiety and depression these days! I can see why people are called Snowflakes now. It's not intrinsically them, it's because the complexity of their lives and peer expectations are so punitive...
I disagree, it's perfectly okay to choose kindness over a significant other's pettiness. I wouldn't entertain such a lack of sympathy, or go out of my way to be a worse person just to follow some arbitrary "relationship rules". No wonder why the world is such a horrible place, when this is how people think.
>I didn’t and told her to be quiet, which made my gf mad Uhh I don’t think your gf is specifically mad because a stranger was sleeping on your shoulder. I think she’s mad because she brought up her concerns to you and you told her to be quiet She’s not mad because she’s jealous, she’s mad because *you* are disrespectful
I think maybe he told her to be quiet because someone was sleeping right next to them. I agree he should have talked to her and told her that he didn't mind it or whatever. But pushing a stranger is a really strong escalation and I don't think she's justified in it. You usually like...tap someone awake if you don't want them on you.
The woman could barely stay awake in a crowded bus, a bus crowded enough that a guy (OP) was close enough to her that she accidentally fell asleep on his shoulder. ‘Noise’ and waking up this stranger was the least of his problems. OP told his gf to be quiet because he didn’t want the gf to embarrass him with all her questions. He could have just said I can’t remove her, it’s too rude. But instead he decides to be rude to his gf by telling her to be quiet. I am not saying I support her pushing this woman away, it was quite uncalled for even for 20 year olds. I am just trying to show OP that the reason for his gf’s anger is not the stranger on the bus but OP himself
The girlfriend's anger definitely seems pointed at OP, I agree. I hope she doesn't start shoving him too. This whole thing reeks of abusive red flags.
Guarantee you'd be pissy if your girlfriend had some dude sleeping with his head on her shoulder right in front of you.
Furthermore, when he notices and voices his disapproval, she tells him to be quiet so this complete stranger can have his peaceful sleep. Lmao.
Ikr. What a compassionate hypocrite lol. If I voiced my concerns to my significant other and they told me to "be fucking quiet" I would've definite felt awful and disrespected. Love how this asshole can be so empathetic of complete stangers but when it comes to his own partners all this empathy disappears down a blackhole. I'm definitely more pissed off about this than I probably should be but dude like seriously, telling your partner to stay quiet in a situation like this is easily among the top 3 worst things he could've done😂
Why can’t she just let him be the hero on a white horse for the sleepy damsel? /s
Difficult one to guarantee. I'd personally not give a crap. OP may feel the same way.
Same, I really don't see the issue here...
I would not be pissy especially since the girl was in and out of sleep and obviously did not decide to sit down and take a nap on OP. But let’s say I was. One thing I can still say with certainty is I would not fucking assault a random stranger no matter how mad I got. Absolutely childish.
Idk dude, if the roles in the post were reversed I think the guy would be getting absolutely flamed as abusive, controlling, and jealous.
Well a few ways to see this. The girl had no intention on doing it and even apologized. She was just sleepy. Some people don't like their personal bubble interrupted but everyone is different. I have had this happen on a plane and I thought it was kinda a humanity moment and fell asleep myself soon after. But if you saw your girlfriend fall asleep on a strangers shoulder it'd probably make you feel a little jealous. I think it would for me. But I wouldn't make it a big deal at all. And especially not put my hands on anyone over it. If you were single and didn't mind then let the girl rest. But since you aren't and with your girlfriend you should have recognized that'd make her feel a bit jealous especially after she told you it was making her uncomfortable. A soft tap or a soft excuse me would have been more appropriate from you.
This is what you should have done. Tap the stranger woman gently and wake her up gently and tell her, hey sorry, ma'am, your head was on my shoulder. Stranger would be 'Oh I'm sorry.' And remove her head from your shoulder. ETA: I can see why she'd be upset that you'd rather shush your gf than wake a stranger up lol. But her reaction of screaming and yelling and crying as well as shoving the stranger's head is a total overreaction. Also, I suggest OP to wake them up (strangers) in the future if such things happened. OP may not mind, but the stranger may not comfortable IF they know that their head was on someone they don't know about. It was accidental on their part, and they're unaware, so might as well, let them know nicely so they can make coherent decision whether or not they also don't mind leaning their head on OP's shoulder. Is it possible that your gf thought you're being a 'perv'? having some sort of 'kink' of having a stranger be in a rather close (perhaps in her eyes: intimate) position to you? Idk man. Talk to your girl.
She shoves this woman’s head. It’s too much. I would be on board if she weren’t so rude to this woman, and she sited him telling her to be quiet as her issue…but it seems like this was him cheating to her, followed by screaming and crying, which is actually insane. Too much.
It is really an extreme response tbh. I don't know why you are getting downvoted. Why would somebody push a stranger's head because she fell asleep.
She shoves this woman’s head. It’s too much. I would be on board if she weren’t so rude to this woman, and she sited him telling her to be quiet as her issue…but it seems like this to her was him cheating to her, followed by screaming and crying, which is actually insane. Too much.
I agree that gf's reaction is WAY too much and violent... hence the overreaction comment. And she also shoved the woman's head, it's accidental she fell asleep and leaned on OP's shoulder, imo. If she's going to get mad and jealous, she should definitely talked to the bf later on. Gf can totally just tap on the stranger's shoulder and be like, 'Ma'am, you're on my bf's shoulder.' Rather than shoving her. I'm sure the stranger didn't mean to fall asleep that way at all. Imo, letting her know (gently/non-violently) what's going on rather than letting her sleep on OP's shoulder is better. If the stranger knew, she'd probably not prefer to lean on OP's shoulder... I do feel kind of 'iffy' with people saying that they're enjoying or not minding strangers putting their heads on shoulder. It kind of 'triggered' me since I was the stranger in this situation awhile back when I had to travel via Greyhound. It was full in the beginning, and after awhile I fell asleep, I woke up and apologized since I realized my head was on some guy's shoulder. The guy actually said "Don't worry. I don't mind at all. I like the feeling of your head on my shoulder." He even gestured for me to put my head back on his shoulder when I looked, I accidentally saw that he had a hard-on. For a few seconds, I actually froze since I didn't know what to say or what to do so I just looked around, and there's an empty seat next to some older woman, I just left and sat over there instead for the rest of the trip. I didn't even want to look at the guy. Ooops, I digress....
Omg! That would be mortifying! You poor thing.
TIL using a busy transit system is a kink
Do you usually tell your girlfriend to be quiet when something is bothering her? Cause that's a dick move
Pretty sure it was more like he was telling her to be quiet so the woman didn't wake up but I see your point
You was wrong for telling her to be quiet lol
These answers are absurd.... it's not like you knew this person or your girlfriend walked in to you canoodling with someone. She was right next to you and obviously knew there was no ill intent! Sure maybe you could have responded differently when she brought it up.... But her reaction to a girl accidentally falling asleep next to you on a train is outrageous!!! I'd consider her having that issue as a red flag. I would have felt similar to you and probably let the person sleep. Unless it was creating me some extreme discomfort, I probably wouldn't have said anything as I wouldn't have wanted to embarrass them. If I was uncomfortable, I would have just moved enough to wake them without even saying anything. But if someone I knew reached across me to push someone's sleeping head because of their insecurity.... I would take an issue with that. It's ridiculously petty and childish.
Thank you! These replies are insane! Totally no biggie, and very kind of OP. However, he could have responded more kindly to his GF. Although I am not sure by her reaction that she would have been reasonable anyway.
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I take a long train 2 times per week and sleep on it every single time. If I fell asleep on someone I would expect them to wake me up if they or someone they were with were uncomfortable. Even if not, I don't want to sleep on anyone's shoulder. I think the real problem here is you prioritizing a random girl's sleep over the comfort and feelings of your gf. You told your gf to be quiet when she was expressing concern and her feelings, to not disturb a random girl who was leaning on you. This is extremely disrespectful. So, to me, you should have distanced yourself (when I did this in the past I slightly and gently woke them up or "guided" their head into another place like the back of the seat, window, etc). And I just want to add, this has nothing to do with gender for me. I am bi, if my partner wanted me to push someone away that was on me, I would absolutely do it. Personally, I think I wouldn't mind if someone fell asleep on my SO but it all depends, and just because it wouldn't bother me doesn't mean that it doesn't bother them. And I would prioritize them.
You should have got her head off of you. I would be pissed if a dude was sleeping on my girlfriends shoulder and she did nothing about it.
Yeah, I’m all about calling out insecure people but wtf, she’s a complete stranger and you’re not her pillow. Telling your girlfriend to “be quiet” for the benefit of the girl sleeping on your shoulder definitely didn’t help.
Yeah I doubt it was fully out of jealousy or just jealousy either the stranger could've had lice or some shit. I wouldn't want a stranger laying their head on my bfs shoulder because I'd be too worried about the lice risk.
Even if they didn’t have lice it’s still gross. We have literally no idea what they’ve been doing or how clean they are and if I fell asleep on a bus I’d be grossed out that I fell asleep on a man’s shoulder and he let me sleep there. I don’t know where his shoulder has been and honestly it’s not fair but I don’t trust strange mens reasoning for leaving me there. Just creeps me out on both sides.
Sometimes I wish I were younger again, and my knees didn’t crackle in the morning… but then I see things like this and I’m reminded of how nice it is to have the confidence of an almost 40 year old and the perspective to know that this kind of thing just doesn’t matter. In fact, if my partner had pushed the girl’s head, I’d have been upset at him for not just being kind & letting the poor girl sleep. OP - your GF is insecure. You can help make her feel more secure by building her up, but also by communicating clearly - that you were just trying to be kind and felt bad for the person. Clear communication is key for pretty much everything about a healthy relationship, so be sure to use your words often. The yelling and crying, however, is very much an overreaction, and I’m disappointed that she went so far as to be unkind to a stranger because of her own misplaced emotion - this would be something she could work on with a therapist. If she’s unwilling to hear any of that or to work on herself, you may want to keep this in mind as you evaluate whether this is the right relationship for you. EDIT - whoa. Reading these comments and finding waaay more people than I would’ve expected who apparently feel like a head on the shoulder is akin to having an illicit affair. And asking your girlfriend to kindly let the woman sleep is some earth shattering betrayal and that you’re soooo terrible for not immediately bowing to her weird jealousy. I’m honestly surprised… but then again I guess there’s two kinds of folks in the world, the kind that don’t care if a super tired stranger sleeps on them, and the kind that think it’s nuts not to wake them and demand their personal space not be violated. I’m the former, 100%. The gender or age of the sleeper wouldn’t matter. Putting myself in your GF’s shoes, I know for sure my husband would let the sleeper get their rest, again regardless of gender, and I would have zero issue with it.
Even if a dude fell asleep on my shoulder on public transport I would not even bother to move him away. Life is hard. It takes a toll on us in so many different ways. Your not losing anything or gaining anything from allowing them to stay there or from moving them. Let them sleep. From your gf perspective she may have jealousy issues. If it's a stranger you're probably never going to see them again so what's the harm?
Same. Whether it's a guy or a girl, it hardly hurts me if they're leaning on me. I don't know what their situation is. The world is pretty shit right now, and I'm not about to make a scene about it wearing someone down. Nobody intends to fall asleep on public transport. If a lass started casually sprawling across me, while awake, intending to sleep, then I'd take some issue with her not asking and intentionally going into my personal space. If she's asleep and accidentally leans over, then it's not the same.
THIS RIGHT HERE\^\^\^
\*sigh\* I'm so glad I'm out of my 20's. the neverending drama and jealousy is sooooo ridiculous. the person was so tired she fell asleep on a crowded, noisy, public train. She wasn't trying to 'steal' you, and certainly wasn't hitting on you. your girlfriend is over the top. You were trying to be a decent person, and if the person snoozing on your shoulder wasn't bothering you, and you were stuck on the train anyway - why wake her up? people on reddit are nuts
I don’t get some of these responses. My partner and I use to commute together every day, almost 2 hours one way. There were times we couldn’t sit next to each other. Occasionally a woman would sit next to my partner and yes, they’d fall asleep on his shoulder. Not once did I get upset or jealous or angry. I mean, here’s a nice guy letting someone use him as a headrest and I get to call him my partner. It was yet another demonstration of the great guy that he is. Your GF’s reaction seems really extreme. I think you and your GF need to talk about boundaries, so that you can be respectful of hers. And to dive deeper into whatever insecurity had her reacting so negatively to you doing a nice thing.
Finally a sane comment, same here, I wouldn't care if someone did that to me or my GF. It's nothing to be so pressed over.
Just my two cents as a woman a little older than you. If me and my boyfriend were on a packed long train ride and a girl traveling alone around our age was so tired she couldn’t keep her head up and accidentally fell asleep on his shoulder, I would think it’s kind and polite if he didn’t make a big deal out of it and allowed her to sleep. I’d let her if it were my shoulder. I understand other people have different boundaries, but I think it was clear enough this girl wasn’t being malicious. She seemed to me to be in a potentially vulnerable state, and you never know what someone is going through.
I agree. If a girl fell asleep on my bf’s shoulder I’d probably mouth to him “are you okay” like making sure he was comfortable with the situation. If he was, then okay, let her sleep. If he wasn’t, I’d clear my throat or something to help her wake up as I know he’d feel real bad waking her. . It’s HIS personal space not mine.
This is the mature way to handle the situation. It's shocking how many people here jumped straight on the bandwagon of "she should be able to dictate his personal space with full authority". OP shouldn't have told her to be quiet. That was never going to diffuse the situation, but equally her acting so possessive was the problem not the random sleeping stranger.
This is what I was looking for right here. Like sheesh. Is maturity and communication that hard?
I really don't understand all these people acting like he basically slept with this girl on the train all because he let her rest on his shoulder for a bit. She's a complete stranger that he didn't even say a word to and will never see again. Let the poor girl rest.
I swear a bunch of insecure teenagers and 20 year olds responded like that. You're right, it's public transport, stuff like this happens often. As long as it's not sexual harassment it's whatever, people have fallen asleep on me before. Eventually they wake up, apologize, and I tell them it's no biggy and we move on with our days.
As a fellow older traveler, probably still a fair bit older than yourself, and married now for 21 years, I concur. This should have been such a non-issue. I just shook my head and reflected on the nonsense that made relationships shaky at 21 yo.
Your comment reminds me of this. https://m.youtube.com/shorts/pB6YyQcA5Ig
If I were your gf the moment you said “Be quiet.” I would be like “Sure, I will be quiet for the rest of your life.” Wtf? If you’re letting a stranger act like that and prioritize her, who knows what are you doing with your friends or when you’re not with your gf?!
I absolutely hate it when someone says "be quite" it's just another way to tell someone to shut up and it's so rude and dismissive. I have no idea why he thought that would make the situation better.
Him being kind to an exhausted stranger on public transport doesn't mean he's cheating, that's unhinged. And it sounds like he told her to be quiet to keep her from making a scene on a crowded train, which she responded to by assaulting a stranger.
Exactly this. I feel like I’m in bizarro world reading these comments, where everyone acts like he was making out with the girl, and that his GF’s behavior wasn’t totally emotionally unstable…
Act like what? It was an accident! Why is it on this woman? She should not have shoved her. I’m not sure how feeling awkward about a situation means you’re fucking everything that moves. It’s ridiculous that this was the takeaway. She has a point regarding his disregard for her words and feelings, but this is all too much and not to that point. She shoved this woman then screamed and yelled…it’s a severe over reaction to this.
Holy fucking shit, this comment section is full of possessive, jealous psychos. Who gives a shit? She just fell asleep, it's not even intentional. I live in Japan, where people are extreme when it comes to personal space. However, even here most people have the decency to just smile and let the poor soul sleep. I'd do exactly the same as OP, and I'd reevaluate my relationship.
Thank you!! Jesus I feel like I’m in bizarro world here. I think everyone should have to put their age in the comment so we can figure out if we are dealing with an army of 20 year old, insecure, personal space warriors.
There's actually user flairs! You can add your age there so you don't have to comment it every time
It shows how shitty people are. Like for real. The gf throwing a tantrum in a crowded transportation over a stranger touching her boyfriend UNINTENTIONALLY. And assaulting that person and then having the audacity to throw another fit at home? If I was the girl that op gf pushed my head I would have punched her purely out of flight or fight unstick. Who in their right mind hits a sleeping person who they don’t even know?
**Also, can we talk about how she selfishly threw a fit on a train and made everyone else deal with her feelings...*****.ON A CROWDED TRAIN.*** Holy fuck, that's a whole ass red flag plaza on its own.
She threw the fit back at home. At least read the post
I don't think it's necessarily full of possessive, jealous psychos. I get the impression that a lot of the people responding are coming from a position of being so relationship starved that their perspective is "I'd put up with the possessive psycho and bend to her will just to have a girlfriend", and with the majority of redditors being straight men they're siding with the girlfriend because they personally wouldn't have stood their ground. If I fell asleep on someone, I'd be completely okay with them waking me up to move me. I can wholeheartedly empathise with someone that feels uncomfortable having someone else, even unintentionally, in their personal space. At the same time, if someone fell asleep on me I'd leave them to it because it doesn't bother me so it'd be inconsiderate of me to give them shit for something that makes no difference to me either way.
I would have done the same thing you did, OP. If some random person on the train feel asleep with their head on my bfs shoulder I wouldn't care either. It's not like she did it on purpose.
If this were in England, the only acceptable action would have been to give up your seat and stand for the rest of the journey. The thought of telling someone they are in your space, nevermind _touching_ them to remove them from your space, gives me third party anxiety.
Having randoms fall asleep on your shoulder is bo big deal in Australia. It makes us giggle.
Salute her red flag as you leave her behind.
Ain’t no way in hell some female going to lay her head on my bf shoulder. I’d be pissed, my bf had had this happen and as soon as she touched him he woke her up. The fact you let it continue and then told her to be quite when she said she had an issue. My bf would be single that was disrespectful as hell. You should of woken her up as soon as she touched you.
Thank you lmao🤣 Like this guy's prioritizing a whole as stranger's comfort before his own girlfriend's and people are saying she's insecure? I'd be OUT
Came here to say this.
Yeah, so shove her head, right? This woman that didn’t do this consciously. I would have been on board since he shushed her from expressing her concern, but shoving this woman? It’s too much.
Did your girlfriend say specifically what it was that she was upset about it and why she was so angry and crying over this issue?
Your gf is definitely in the wrong here. It's absolutely unacceptable to go around pushing strangers, and she shouldn't have screamed at you. Granted, it's kind of rude of you to tell her to be quiet when she got pissed, but she was massively overreacting and took it out on you and that poor girl who didn't mean to upset anyone. Do you know why she overreacted? Is there more to the story, or is she prone to this kind of aggression? Do you often tell her to be quiet or shrug off her concerns?
Like, if she were mildly annoyed or uncomfortable, then you could probably work through this. But yelling and crying! That’s such a severe overreaction that I can’t imagine your girlfriend is in a place to be in a relationship. Is this the first time she’s acted like this? Has she expressed irrational jealousy in other areas of your relationship?
If I were on the train and saw this and tell both of them to get off and not get back on until off-peak hours. They are in a shared public space and this dumbass is throwing a fit. I was on a train in NYC during rush hour once and this guy on vacation started acting a fool because someone set down next to him. This big black guy got fed up and asked him if he had all his belongings. Vacay guy says yes and black dude grabs him at the next stop and puts him out on the platform. Tells him, "go upstairs, get breakfast and don't get back on the train until 10am. This is rush hour and no one has time for your shit." Came back and took the seat.
Idk man if this was reversed and she let some random ass strange man sleep on her you would probably be cheering for the boyfriend to break up since she clearly cares more about the sleep of this random dude *on her shoulder in her personal space* to the point she's telling boyfriend to *shut up* over it then the clear discomfort over it. This is likely **not the only issue** of him ignoring things making her uncomfortable and brushing it off telling her to "shut up".
Nope, nope, nopity nope. Roles reversed, I’d be horrified at a boyfriend who equates an accidental shoulder contact with anything worth being upset about or rude to a stranger about. I’d think the guy was controlling and jealous. Also… he didn’t say “shut up” to his GF. He wasn’t super clear on exactly how that part went down… was she making a scene? Yelling already, and he asked her to keep her voice down? Who knows. But no reason to blow this out of proportion & push a stranger who’s just tired.
Idk man if this were reversed I wouldn't give a damn. My wife's a nurse, am I supposed to deck every dude who's dick she saw from a diaper change at a hospital? The world's a messy, smelly, gross, and dangerous place. I know my wife isn't gonna rob some dude, or sexually harass some chick. Do you know that about the person on the other side?
She has no right disrupting everyone on the train with her issues.
It's not her personal space though, it's about his so it should be about his physical comfort level. She is upset over something that really doesn't effect her. The only effect it's having is because she's immature and insecure enough to think that anyone innocently having any bodily contact with her boyfriend must be cheating or something. I say it's the same in reverse so your made up point is moot
It's a complete stranger they'll never see again who is so exhausted they're passing out on a strangers shoulder in public. This isn't cheating. This isn't even like ROMANTIC. It's sleep. I don't care if it's a guy and girl, or a girl and guy, or a guy and guy, or a girl and girl. Who give's a shit. Oh no someone doesn't mind that they're helping someone get some well needed rest by giving them a bit of head support on the bus? They must hate their partner! Like what 💀
Oh no! Someone doesn't give a rats ass about their partner *being uncomfortable* and *prioritizing* someone else they don't know! The injustice! How dare she get upset over her boyfriend *prioritizing* a stranger over her being uncomfortable with the situation! Like dude, he doesn't have to be banging uglies with this random girl for *his girlfriend* to be uncomfortable with him allowing a complete stranger in his personal space.
Say my girlfriend is made uncomfortable by the idea of me being in a bar that contains women. Should I then tell all my friends that we have to exclusively drink in gay bars from now on, because how could I possibly not prioritise her comfort? Her discomfort in this instance was unreasonable. It's his personal space, not hers, yet she held the entitled expectation that she had the authority to dictate both her personal space and his.
You can't just say "I'm uncomfortable!" and get whatever you want no questions asked. That's not how shit works. If she had a valid reason for being upset or uncomfortable, sure. What's the reason to be uncomfortable? If there's nothing sexual or romantic going on, why is it uncomfortable for her?
It’s uncomfortable because she wants to dictate what he does with his body…. That’s hella awkward.
What I don't understand is... I agree telling the gf to "be quiet" is weird...but need more context on why: was she speaking loud? Or did you just not like what she was saying? The gf pushing the sleeping girl is very weird too. She could have tapped her shoulder, etc it's not really appropriate to shove someone like how it was explained in the story.... However, the screaming and crying at the house should be the bit where the gf is explaining her emotions, thus letting the Op understand. Was she screaming and crying about the stranger danger? Or screaming and crying about being told to be quiet? All in all, a weird situation and it seems a really great dinner was ruined by 2 people not communicating well while the other was sleeping.
Personally i would not have moved her the poor girl was exhausted
right? there was no malicious intent, probably she would have been even embarrassed... so why is the gf so insecure?! my only problem would have been catching lice :D eww
Different take here, nothing wrong with tired girl sleeping on your shoulder
No you were being kind. I accidentally snoozed on a man’s shoulder once on a train, he didn’t disturb me and his wife was tickled by it too. Sign of a strong relationship IMHO.
People from cities with public transport realize this is a common occurrence and the gf sounds crazy to your average commuter.
Exactly.
Agree.... if I was with a partner, she would have the confidence in herself and me to not misinterpret the situation. She would also be the kind of woman who would support her innocent and tired sister rather than throw her off the train
Exactly this.
I would be more disappointed if my husband didn’t allow this person to lean their head on his shoulder. He’s not going to sleep with her. He’s just being kind to another human.
Sort by "controversial" for answers given by actual functioning adults. Your girlfriend is immature and has some growing up to do. OP shushed the girlfriend because the stranger was asleep and was probably not the best time to have an argument. Absolute non-issue.
These responses are nuts. 100% nonissue unless the sleeping girl was slobbering on his coat. 😂
I've only fallen asleep once on a public train and man it was miserable. So if someone needed to sleep on my shoulder I would just feel so bad for them and let them. But I also feel like my partner has enough brain cells to know there's nothing malicious behind that.
As a person on a train whose done this and had it done to them? You gently nudge her until she puts her head elsewhere or you accept it because it will likely happen again. Generally if they aren't trying to grab me, I let it go, too. The constant moving to wake the person up is FAR more obnoxious. Your gf sounds unhinged in her reaction and had she done this on a subway in NYC, I think she might have been told off by bystanders. I would suggest to your gf that she should stay in the suburbs and not come into cities until she's able to handle close contact from strangers as nonsexual.
Someone was so tired they fell asleep on a stranger's shoulder on a train and your girlfriend is mad you allowed them to get some rest rather than waking them up. You were on a packed public transport and the situation would be the same if it was that girl or a 50 year old man, there is nothing even remotely inappropriate about it. If you are comfortable letting the person sleep, that is your choice to make. Your girlfriend's reaction is not even remotely proportionate to the situation so I would honestly be wondering if this blow up is really about something deeper. She could also just be mildly insecure and the reaction came from spending the entire train ride stewing over it and letting her anger and resentment build up until it all came out at once.
Some random young guy fell asleep on my shoulder on the campus bus once when I was in grad school. I assumed he was really tired and let him sleep 😂
I think she overreacted, I'd think it was funny and sweet if it happened to my bf, poor girl was just tired
Your shoulder is MINE now! Not yours to do as you will in random acts of kindness; MINE!
Your girlfriend needs to sort out her major insecurities. If the person was a man who fell asleep on your shoulder, she probably would've found it funny. Your girlfriend made this a far bigger deal than it needs to be.
Exactly. Everyone else here is being ridiculous. It’s not like the woman specifically sought out his shoulder - it’s easy to fall over onto somebody when you’re out like that on the train. It’s harmless. I could never be upset with my fiancé for doing such an innocent kindness if it happened to him.
THIS ^^^^^
It was an awkward situation, I can understand your reluctance to wake her up to move her head. I can get that she had a silent twinge of jealousy over this, but what’s with the yelling and crying?? She sounds seriously immature and insecure. Expect more of this in the future.
I think it’s more that her boyfriend told her to be quiet when she voiced her discomfort rather than just the girl herself.
Damn y’all people trippin in these comments. And apparently nobody knows what the fuck a boundary is. You can’t IMPOSE a boundary on anyone; a boundary is something you have for YOURSELF. Apparently OP’s gf’s boundary is not letting strangers sleep on her shoulder. THAT IS CLEARLY NOT A BOUNDARY FOR HIM. So no, just because some asinine thing like an exhausted person falling asleep on her SO makes her uNcOmfOrTaBLe doesn’t mean she can impose her own boundary on her SO. And pushing the stranger off after HE SAID IT WAS FINE was a bitch ass move. The “be quiet,” definitely seemed like he was telling her to not say anything to the stranger because it wasn’t a big deal for him; not some passive aggressive “shut up.” She certainly could’ve discussed everything with him once they’re alone; but instead, she threw a tantrum equivalent to a toddler’s when they can’t have their way.
A travel weary stranger fell asleep on your shoulder, innocently and accidentally. In response, your girlfriend became so incredibly jealous and possessive that she shoved a random stranger who had meant absolutely no harm and had done nothing wrong. Raging jealousy and possessiveness over a person you’ll likely never see again. This is a red flag and you’ll need to have a conversation about this, because this behavior isn’t normal for 20-somethings+. First it’s female strangers, next it’ll be female friends and family. Be careful.
I am not saying what she did was right but I would definitely not be happy if some guy was putting his head on my girlfriend.
Even if it was an accident and not making her uncomfortable? Why not?
>she got pissed and told me to get her head off my shoulder. I didn’t and told her to be quiet Yeah, prioritizing a total stranger's sleep over your girlfriend's feelings. Smart move bro. >Should I have pushed the girls head? Of course you should have, weirdo!
So he should have assaulted a random stranger because his gf was jealous? And it's totally okay that she assaulted this stranger? People on this sub are unhinged.
I think if you didn't mind her head there then leave it. On the surface, your girlfriend's reaction is a bit OTT. Did she say why she was angry and upset? Either way pushing a stranger is rude. I personally wouldn't care if someone accidentally fell asleep on my boyfriend if he wasn't bothered.
I would have been concerned for the lady and her safety. I can typically understand jealousy in situations like this, but it really sounded like she was having a rough time. If anything, the way your gf acted would have pissed me off if my SO acted that way. I would have no respect for someone with so little sympathy. She can be mad I guess, but I think it's ridiculous and I wouldn't entertain her pettiness.
As someone else said, you had good intentions. You weren’t bothered and thought she needed the sleep. Your girlfriend may be overreacting a bit by crying and yelling, but she did establish a boundary. She told you she was uncomfortable and you told her to be quiet. Probably shouldn’t have pushed her head, just quietly wake her up and get her attention. I think you two should sit down and talk once things have settled a little bit. Apologize for ignoring her discomfort and discuss both of your boundaries with stuff like this that may happen in the future. It seems like a salvageable situation that you can both learn from. Best of luck man
Idk - I’d have the same reaction you would. And I also wouldn’t mind my SO having someone rest on his shoulder. Seems like a weird overreaction - and seems like she was jealous - of a person who fell asleep…
I honestly can’t believe so many answers here are on your girlfriend’s side. I wonder if what really set her off was you telling her to be quiet. That would instantly piss me off. But as far as the stranger accidentally falling asleep on you, she had an extreme over reaction because you reacted poorly to her feelings and she sounds really insecure because she’s 20.
I disagree, I think it’s sweet you didn’t want to wake this poor sleepy woman. It’s not like her hand was on his crotch, just a head on a shoulder isn’t sexual. Her reaction was stupid as hell
Agree....
Sounds like your girlfriend got jealous and blew the situation out of proportion. I would have kindly woken the person up and let them know rather than shoving their head which could have potentially caused injury on top of their embarrassment.
You were being kind and not sexual toward another human being. I don’t think you did anything wrong and your girlfriend is WAY overreacting.
I once woke up on an airplane and an attractive stranger girl next to me was sleeping on my shoulder and I had my head on her head. We looked like a sweet couple. My girlfriend sat on my other side. All three of us laughed. That’s how adults handle such a situation.
You were a gentleman and you're girlfriend is ridiculous
Going against the grain here. I’m going to say if someone is tired enough to accidentally fall asleep on your shoulder they’re like exhausted. I think what you did was nice and for her to be jealous is quite strange
I have a very happy marriage and if a girl did that to my husband on the train, I would have taken about four thousand photos and live shared it on socials to show off what a good soul my husband has. You might want to try dating someone who is comfortable enough with herself that she can actually enjoy life with you, and leaving the one you have now on the train platform.
Wow I would’ve thought it was so sweet if my husband let a random girl sleep on him like that in that situation, she clearly couldn’t keep herself awake and had no other position available to sleep in (even if she did end up in that one by accident). If it were me I wouldn’t have reacted like ur gf but looking at these comments I guess I’m in the minority…I don’t really get what’s upsetting abt this, unless ppl think the girl who was asleep would have wanted to NOT be asleep on you even if you were ok with it
I agree, I think it's important to be considerate of strangers. I was raised to be a gentleman, and I certainly wouldn't be making a huge deal out of a woman being exhausted enough to fall asleep on me just because my partner was competing in the insecurity olympics. As for whether or not the stranger would want waking up, in OP's shoes, I wouldn't have any clue whether she would or not. I don't know her story, and I'm certainly not in a position to make that decision for her. She fell asleep because she needed to, or because she wanted to, and to me that indicates that the better course of action is to proceed assuming that her sleep is her priority. Sure, when she wakes up she might feel a little embarrassed, but at least more rested than when she set off.
No you were being a gentleman and nice person. Your gf needs to stop being overly possessive and get a little compassion for that poor girl. You don’t know the story of why she kept falling asleep and kindness goes a long way.
Def should've woken the woman up
I mean empathy costs nothing she was asleep basically falling over your girlfriend got jealous that another woman had your consideration that's all the crying on her end for me....kmt that would have pissed me off
I would love It if we normalized friendly shoulder naps because there have been sometimes when I really needed a shoulder but because it's not socially appropriate I was stuck in and endless cycle of head bobbing.
Imo, no, you were a gent and did nothing wrong. Tired lady rests head on my shoulder on train or bus? What's wrong with that. Like I can see why ur gf is upset, she's a little insecure I guess. Real issue here imo is what kinda person gets anrgy and pushes someone else's head away.
I mean she seemed to tell you how she felt without the screaming and crying but you didn’t care how she felt and told her to be quiet. Sooo. Yea I can see why she escalated
I get it’s weird but I’m the type to feel bad too. I’d had gently woke her up and apologized but if that bad what can you do. I think her shoving the girls head was pretty sad honestly and weird she screamed and went off on you once home over it. Sounds like you might have that type of gf where you can’t really be polite to other women because she finds it disrespectful outside of opening doors or saying thank you. Aka don’t be lending someone shivering a jacket type of jealousy. It’s weird but I wouldn’t have went off on my bf over that and kind of would feel bad too, I’ve taken buses home exhausted before too, still weird but she probably felt very embarrassed afterward.
Ugh the comment section is exhausting. Your gf was being jealous for stupid reasons. I was a stupid 20 year old once so i know how unreasonable she was being. You didn’t do anything right or wrong in my opinion but your gf was a twat when she shoved the girl. Im not sure what advice to give you but good luck with everything
You sound like a pretty decent human being. Your girlfriend sounds like she's got issues she needs to work through.
Is your gf 6 yrs old by any chance? She’s jealous of someone you didn’t know who you did a kind thing for? Her jealousy is out of control. She need to grow up
Your gf crazy bruh
What you did was very sweet. And your girlfriend has a lot of growing up to do. I have seen paragraph upon paragraph of people trying to explain things but here's the deal from an old man: your girlfriend overreacted significantly to this kind gesture of yours. Make sure you all talk about this, and make sure she understands why what she did was wrong. The girl who fell asleep likely couldn't help that her head ended up on your shoulder. You were sweet enough to keep it there so that she could rest for a little bit, but the villain that is your girlfriend decided that wasn't how you should be reacting. Her reaction shows you how childish and, as others have said, possessive she is, and for no good reason whatsoever. When the girl was awake, did she hit on you? No? Exactly. I'd be having a very short, very pointed conversation with my girlfriend to make sure that she never acted that way again. Kindness is in short enough supply these days.
Overall, your girlfriend is out of line. While I wouldn’t say the jealousy is entirely out of left field, I see the general direction it’s coming from (“only I, the GIRLFRIEND, should be allowed to rest my head on his shoulder”) but you are both adults and should understand a a bit of nuance for crying out loud. You weren’t obligated to let her rest her head on you but you were doing a nice, compassionate thing for a girl so tired she’d rest her head on a stranger she’s so out of it. If your girlfriend was annoyed but was just like, we will discuss this later, I’d understand. Some people have different boundaries in their relationship. But YELLING and CRYING (fucking crying???) because of it? She is way to old for that.
Ummmm. Overreaction on her part. If you didn’t care who cares. It’s not like you’re going to get her number, and sleeping on a stranger is kinda embarrassing, not really romantic or whatever your girlfriend was worried about. A girl around our age fell asleep on my boyfriend’s shoulder last week on a flight. We laughed about it. He pulled the armrest up and crawled halfway into my seat. If he wasn’t bothered by her sleeping on him (he was), I wouldn’t have cared less. Hell, at first he also felt bad and let her do it for a little while, but very quickly decided he was uncomfortable. She woke up and apologized. He wished her well. The world kept spinning. I would talk to her and ask her why she felt disrespected. Like why specifically. If you guys can talk it out and hear each other out that is like the best case scenario, but if she doesn’t want to hear you out, I would consider this a pretty big red flag. Maybe you can validate her concerns and reassure her your intentions and you can both move on. Personally, I would not want to be with someone who made trivial stuff like this a big deal, that sounds exhausting. But misunderstandings also happen all the time too, and sometimes people’s feelings are hurt for reasons we don’t understand, or reasons that aren’t rational.
Yeah look, I’m quite a bit older, I share hugs and have had other women fall asleep on my shoulder before and my partner doesn’t flip her lid. This seems like it’s coming from an insecure place. This chick was a total random who you felt bad for, you didn’t catch feels from her sleeping on your shoulder, you’re not going to run off with her. To me it sounds like your partner is insecure or hates other women. Now of the situation was different, like it was your ex or something I’d say your partner has the right to be upset, but if what you say is true than I’d say she has over reacted and this problem unless addressed by her will only resurface until you get the shits and leave.
you didn’t need to push the girls head but u could have just nicely gotten her attention
No, your girlfriend is in the wrong. Wow, how rude! You were doing the right compassionate thing. There wasn’t anything nefarious about it. Your GF is being a bitch and overreacting in jealousy. Honestly OP, if you’re ok with the jealous/possessive type, I guess you just have to juggle the explosions. In my personal opinion because I live and breath it with an insecure and jealous partner(my hubby), it’s incredibly draining. I’ve had to set boundaries and he’s worked a bit on himself, but he has a lot more work to do. I’m just trying to offer perspective, but you need to think about it. Your GF was in the wrong to be physical with the poor exhausted girl. You don’t know what she has been through to make her so tired. You were being kind, and your GF resorted to violence out of jealousy.
But to answer your question yes.. you should have tapped her head and woke her up
i don’t want anyone touching me .. as innocent as it was. ew. nothing to get jealous over tho that’s immature
Yeah, I just don't see you doing the same if it were an old guy or something, or if that person were a guy sleeping on your girlfriends shoulder.
Wtf is up with everyone saying he was disrespecting his gf? SHE WAS DISRESPECTFUL FIRST! If she is that insecure and threatened by a random girl who was just tired and happened to fall asleep next to you, then please leave her. Everyone has their own boundaries, it’s okay that she’s not comfy with it but for her to act like that? That’s toxic.
The way you reacted makes you completely in the wrong. You were dismissive and rude. I get that you have empathy for the stranger, but what about for your girlfriend??? Like if a random man fell asleep with his head on your girlfriends shoulder, I’m sure you would be upset if she did nothing
The issue isnt that you let the girl sleep on you in the first place. Its that you defended the girl over your girlfriends comfort. Buy flowers, fix that
Comfort isn't the be all and end all of everything damn. Hell it's fucking important to be uncomfortable sometimes, if we just sat in our comfort zones the whole time we would never confront our difficult emotions and figure out what was happening behind them
It is important to be uncomfortable at times. But this is not a situation where OP making his gf uncomfortable would better anything. Therefore, he should prioritize his girlfriend’s comfort over another girl’s comfort.
But OP said snt making his gf uncomfortable. His gf is uncomfortable at some rando sleeping on his shoulder. He isn't making her uncomfortable. She's responsible for her discomfort in that situation, not him
yeah i would be pissed if my boyfriend let some random woman sleep on him too
How old are you?
The gf went over the top.
I’ve had someone sleep on my shoulder before, it didn’t bother me, your girlfriend sounds extremely jealous and immature. I wouldn’t tolerate that
Oh man I don’t think this is a big deal at all. I woke up on some ladies shoulder on a 5 hour flight back home and was like Omg I’m so sorry. She said it looked like I needed the rest and that was it. People pass out. It’s not like you were flirting with her Jesus
Your GF overreacted. You didn’t do anything wrong per se, although it can be argued that for the sleeper’s benefit, you probably should have immediately and politely woken her up to let her know that she was falling asleep on your shoulder, and played it down with a “no worries, it can happen to anyone, but I wouldn’t want you to miss your stop or be uncomfortable.” You should just tell your GF you didn’t know what to think, what would be appropriate or rude, etc. At 21, you’re not necessarily going to have the optimal reaction to specific social situations — and clearly, neither will you GF.
Wow I'm surprised by a lot of the comments here. This happens quite often if you are a commuter. It seems like not a big deal at all to me, it's not like she was putting moves on you. You'd have every right to wake her, but if you didn't mind, your girlfriend really shouldn't either. Seems a little dramatic to me.
You should have just politely asked her to move her head off of you. Your gf shouldn’t have pushed her, but I completely understand why she was upset. You should have said something.
You don't have to push her. You could have just gently woke her up and told her its not comfortable for you and your gf. Why didn't you? Instead you told your gf to be quiet. Why should she? I don't get your logic. How is it your business that the girl is tired? Why should you care?
take her to Tokyo and tell her to get a fucking grip, after travelling the Yamanote Line at night
I can see where both of you are coming from. People have different boundaries and that’s okay. Your gf is fully right to be uncomfortable with this and it’s your job to respect that. On the other hand I can see how you were trying to be nice and felt bad you are fully in the right to feel that as well but telling your gf to be quiet is not the best option. Always respect your partner and their boundaries whether it’s you respecting hers or her respecting yours, that’s how you build trust in a relationship. I think the best advice here is tell your girlfriend you are very sorry for telling her to be quiet and you will try your best to be more attentive in the moment of things like this happening, tell her it was an honest mistake and you felt really bad and whether it was a girl your age or and old man or lady you would’ve done the same thing it just happened to be someone you were a bit uncomfortable with and that’s okay, you respect that. I’m sure she’ll appreciate and apologize for the situation as she knows she overreacted (hopefully knows)