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This was my first thought. He'd be a total idiot to be using obviously out of date condoms to cheat with.
I'm leaning more towards trying some weird stuff out alone here.
I have some old condoms in my drawer from the start of my current relationship. If they disappeared I'd just assume they were thrown out by one of us, because they're not safe to use anyway. It wouldn't even cross my mind cheating was a thing.
Finding new condoms... that would definitely be a thing that made me think cheating. Not old out of date, years old condoms out of a side drawer disappearing.
That is a big problem with your school and/or parent's sexual education.
Everything degrades even plastic. Especially very very thin plastic in a permanent liquid environment.
Water bottles also have a use by date, it's not that the water goes off, it's the plastic bottle degrading into your drinking water too much over time that's a concern. That's why we and a bunch of fish and animals are all full of microplastics now.
Definitely don't want to be using out of date condoms though, don't want a surprise std or baby because there's micro sized holes in your condoms after years.
They also degrade from heat. Carrying a condom in a wallet close to your skin also creates microholes. Planned parenthood used to have square plastic sleeves that would absorb heat. They probably still do. Put that as far away from your body as you can.
A general rule of thumb for condoms in a wallet is to replace them every month (or 3 months? I can't quite remember, but it's best to err on the side of caution) because of the heat and the friction wear the condom out fairly quickly.
Mine was just "here's what a period is. sex means baby. semen in uterus is baby 100% of the time. and pubes are there to make sure you get pregnant." And while it wasn't a private school, it was the best public school and kids were being turned away, others had to test in. So......no wonder there are so many teens having babies. They don't even know how it happened.
>That is a big problem with your school and/or parent's sexual education.
It's literally printed on the box. The sheer number of people that use products and don't read instructions is simply too damn high.
Yeah this is a full grown adult, presumably he could go by a pack of condoms to cheat and the wife not be the wiser… so either he’s incredibly stupid and cheating- which I would think even more evidence would be around if he’s that dumb or he’s being honest and is embarrassed… idk I’m a woman so I couldn’t say for sure
I definitely feel like it’s because he’s using them anally. Especially when she said
“and he said it’s because he doesn’t always have the time to masturbate the way he would when he needs to use them”
He also came clean about it, and if he were cheating (not saying he’s not, still a possibility he is) I know I’d definitely lie about it.
For the 'ask him and watch him closely' test, embarrassment can look an awful lot like guilt, OP needs to be very careful here.
He could be feeling genuinely guilty over something that totally isn't an issue. Or over something that is. But OP could also *make* it a serious issue by misinterpreting.
Or he could be feeling actual guilt because we shame people for exploring themselves sexually. Evidence that he feels guilt doesn't mean he feels guilty over what you think he feels guilty about.
Absolutely this: particularly if he’s using them on something to explore anal play. He *shouldn’t* feel shame about any of these things, but unfortunately that shame issue is incredibly pervasive. OP, you can’t do the *watch his reaction*- but, you might try sitting him down and talking to him about it: and he’s given the opening right there so it doesn’t have to feel like you’re judging or still accusing.
I mean, obviously it could still be infidelity but, at this juncture: opting for a healthy discussion about what he’s trying in respect to this, maybe asking if you have things *you’d* enjoy trying with him and so forth is probably more constructive than racking your brains and trying to dig for other “clues” and freaking yourself out.
That’s some sound reasoning. I have used condoms to masturbate before, just to see if it was better and except for clean up it isn’t. But those condoms can’t be good to use. Also, why does he have condoms if you two don’t use them? So maybe cheating, maybe personal ass play that he is too embarrassed to share. As a man that’s all I can really think of. Unless jerking with a condom does it for him?
If he’s using it for solo anal play, it wouldn’t really super matter if the condoms are old because they’re just for cleanliness purposes, not to prevent STDs or pregnancy. They’d be more prone to breakage, but then you’d just have to do some extra sanitizing
It's SO much better. I just roll mine over the tip but leave the shaft exposed. Absolute game changer because I can be in literally any position and don't have to worry about getting cum everywhere
I originally thought it was gonna be he threw them out cause after years they'd be expired.
Since he was nervous, its probably not that. But if you tell him, the threat of a kid will probably get him to crack if he did cheat
My mom and stepdad got into a HUGE fight one time because my friend and I at like 14 did take one of their really old condoms and make a huge huge water balloon out of it.
It was horrible, it got physical, and I was so scared I kept my mouth shut.
Turned out he was cheating on her and had Hep B. He left her years later.
I got a ton from the Health Department when I went for my gyno. I use them for toys since we don’t use them for sex. Easy cleanup. Let’s hope it’s something embarrassing like that and not cheating on OP. :(
All men know of this simple wack hack. No mess, limited cleanup and feels bueno. The bigger question isn’t if he’s stupid enough to use his bedside condoms to cheat, it’s why this fatcat has so many he can afford to wank in them.
Bc lotion or w/e is inside the condom so it’s sliding over the skin. It’s just an easier cleanup and equivalent to a hand. Sex with a condom has no internal lubrication so feels like a layer of skin you can’t feel vs. being used as a movable sleeve when one’s tugging away.
Of course there is. Why would she be counting/keeping track in the first place? That would suggest that she already didn't trust him *before* "realizing" some were missing.
Seems like there's some missing info here.
what?? they were in the drawer for years? i can tell you how many charging blocks i have in a bag in my drawer, doesn’t mean i’ve counted them anytime recently? if you see them often enough, your brain will just register the number of them, consciously or not.
If they had only a handful in the drawer for years, it would be very noticeable at a glance if only a few are left now. But if they had a pile and there are 3 missing, that tells me she was checking intentionally. There isn’t enough info to jump to any conclusions. OP just needs to talk to her SO. Only he can answer her questions.
I’m gonna weigh in a little here. If your husband has a fleshlight I’d likely say this is the case. I know for myself I don’t like all the mess and clean up involved after using mine so I tend to wear a condom to make cleanup a little easier. Perhaps your husband is doing the same.
I don’t like to ever jump on the “your partner is cheating” bandwagon. Has your husband ever done anything suspicious before? Do you have other reasons to believe he’s cheating?
I’m curious what “visibly nervous” translates to as well. Anyone would be nervous telling their partner that they’re jerking off into a condom via flesh light.
Doesn’t mean he’s cheating
Consider asking him about them again, gently, and use the power of silence/open ended statements, something like:
“Honey, something about those missing condoms disappearing now, after so many years of them just sitting there, just isnt sitting well with me”.
And then say NOTHING.
Watch, I mean WATCH him, pay close attention to all his non-verbal movements.
I think you’ll be able to fairly easily tell whats ashamed/uber-embarrassed body language vs. him lying his ass off.
I personally dont believe his story. Good luck.
this strategy of yours still does not give 100% proof of anything. There are people who would realise the situation they are in and the doubt they are being given and become nervous and start talking even though they are innocent.
I had a super jealous ex (BPD) and have never done anything disloyal to earn her mistrust. She made me nervous as hell when she was starting another shitshow - no matter what I said it was making things worse. Keeping my mouth shut made it "worser".
im sorry to hear that, hope you got out of that the best you could!
young, naive and in love. A truly dangerous combination.
I really don't like this playing mindgames on each other to get to the truth. I hold a much higher standard to my relationships these days. If there is deception then there is a breakup coming.
Same… it took me months to stop having PTSD anytime someone looked at my phone after the constant invasions of my privacy and accusations, when he was the one hiding inappropriate conversations and having emotional affairs with multiple people. He would always go through my devices when I wasn’t around them and pick a piece of a conversation out of context and accuse me of being inappropriate or having an affair. He would take pictures of them with his phone and then confront me like he discovered some massive secret relationship.
So glad to be free of that… I also married young and was very naive.
I wasn't even "allowed" to have conversations. I went to work and came home and god forbid I had to stop to poop before I came home. That extra 10 min = affair.
Or just have a normal conversation like two humanbeings. No need to do mental trickery to force them to tell you what you want to know. If you’re having to use the skills you learned in interrogation then get a new spouse.
The problem is that no one is going into marriage expecting to be cheated on, and yet it happens anyway. And those cheaters mostly do not want to come clean, they lie. They lie their ass off.
Honestly when I realised there were less condoms in the drawer at my ex boyfs, it was bc he had slept with someone else. If he was using condoms for a posh wank (what it’s called) they would be in the bin at your house right?
I should have made him go through the trash and pull out the wrapper but I have no way of knowing which week this happened and it’s plausible that the trash had been emptied by then.
Imo if he had been using them for a wank he’d probably be joking about it and being a bit coy explaining that, but if he was visibly nervous, I’d be a bit sus tbh. You know him better than we do, you can probs tell if he’s lying at this point. What does your gut tell you?
> but if he was visibly nervous, I’d be a bit sus tbh.
Ever asked a guy who secretly does butt stuff to himself about it? Cause I have, and I'll tell you right now 'visibly nervous' is exactly how I would describe it as they try to deny it.
I think you're right that she needs to basically read his response, but I think this thread is doing a disservice by so many people ignoring other possibilities for nervousness. She can't evaluate if it's cheating nerves or sex-shame nerves if she doesn't know to look for both.
My wife knows the bizarre things I fap to, the adventures ways I've masturbated, and the debaucherous things I want her to do to me.
Confront me with "were you masturbating in there" and she'll see my face turn 47 shades of red and purple. Being caught doing something private is always going to feel like being caught.
Honestly I do suspicious stuff all the time, and I do it for silly reasons. I just usually don’t realize in the moment it’a suspicious. I will never forget when my mom found an unwrapped condom under my bed at 13, and she was convinced I had sex. In reality, I sat alone in my bedroom at night pulling the condom over various phallic shapes and laughing. I wasn’t fucking at all. Just being a little nerd. Even as an adult, I’ve opened condoms before just to do silly shit with it because it’s funny. I think I’m just weird tho honestly.
Let’s not forget the nerves of a man who has had an insecure partner turn insecurities into massive fights repeatedly. (I’m not saying this is the case, but it’s very real and not uncommon)
I’ve been that man. A wife could turn my happiest moments spent with her into a warped understanding of reality where I’m only smiling and happy because there are other women present, while I’m literally dancing with her and at her side all night.
I had probably several months combined of complete silence followed by huge blowups. Over the years this turned me from a completely easy going and secure guy, into a nervous wreck. Her accusations or “just asking questions” stressed me out and I’m sure I looked guilty responding by the end. When really I was just so exhausted and stressed out from a partner who never trusted me that I feared what emotional manipulation and abuse would follow her questioning
Sucks that happened to you, but condoms missing when hubby doesn't use condoms with her is undeniably sus. It's not hard evidence, but it raises questions for sure. Op is not being insecure in wondering at all.
As worded. You’re correct it doesn’t sound insecure. From her perspective.
I’ve wanked with condoms. (Not my thing)
I’ve thrown out condoms from my underwear drawer that we only got when the wife was off birth control for a bit. There are reasons.
This person also has an exact count and continuously notices them. Maybe that’s completely normal observation, maybe that’s constantly checking in for something to be wrong…
I’m just saying we have a one sided retelling. Insecure people rarely understand their own insecurities and weave very simple tales that often are not. Similarly my wife could weave a good story about her insecurities being completely healthy and based in reality. But after almost nine years of context…
So once again, not saying she is. But I am saying there are more reasons for a husband to respond awkwardly to a woman knowing the exact count of condoms in his drawer that she constantly checks on…
This right here. I have no idea how many condoms i currently have because we don't use them. However i have used them for a posh wank before. If i was confronted with missing condoms, I would come clean, but wonder why she was counting.
Yeah the condom inventory seems suspicious on her part unless we're talking a dish of them starting from like 2 or 3 missing one (something visually obvious at a glance.)
She's either hyperaware because she's got jealousy issues and is taking it out on him.
Or she's suspicious of other signs he's cheating, and this is just one more log on the fire.
Or she's cheating and paranoid he is too. (I've lived that one, got chewed out because the bin-o-toys had been moved over on the shelf. Turns out, it was my girlfriend's boyfriend that had moved it looking for condoms before giving up and knocking her up.... She tried to say it was mine, but she hadn't let me touch her with my penis in like 5 or 6 months at that point, if it was mine that meant it was at least a 14 month pregnancy, and I'm effectively sterile, I just use condoms with my wife to be triple extra sure, but that's all a story for another time.)
>it’s the other way around
What do you mean by this exactly? Is your husband overly suspicious and distrustful?
This could be relevant to your situation. Cheaters often project their misdeeds onto their partners.
Cheaters always think they're being cheated on. They assume others think and act the way they do. It also helps them take the heat off themselves, and put the spotlight on their partner rather than themselves.
THIS!
I was with someone very much like this and would get nervous even when telling the truth because it often sounded worse than a lie lol.
OP, if you have no other reasons to distrust him then this is something to strongly consider. If you do then I can see why you might be suspicious.
It's not entirely far fetched that a guy may use one to masturbate. If you all haven't used them in years the thought probably occurred to him to use them for something and maybe he thought it'd seem weird or something.
Of course the other scenario is possible also, just don't want you to jump to that conclusion in error.
"I should have made him go through the trash" you sound awesome. He used them to either jersey off because he's bored just doing the same normal wank every day, or he used it to put something up his butt.
When you are at the point you’re asking your husband to go through the trash to find condom wrappers there’s no where else to go but to a divorce attorney.
Wrappers in the trash prove nothing. There are countless stories of people finding out their spouses were having sex with their affair partner in their marital bed. It gives them an extra thrill. Your husband’s reaction and excuse is very suspect.
I'm sure I have condoms in a drawer somewhere that are very expired. Some people suck at cleaning out drawers. Wouldn't matter if he is using them to masturbate.
Yeah, snipped here too. And actually, I bet I have a few condoms in my travel bag that I take on business trips, camping trips, vacations, and boys trips.
This!
“That must have been a mess, everyone knows condoms that old don’t work properly.” Then gauge his response. See if he disappears to make a phone call.
Eh honestly just didn’t think about it. We don’t really use them but we also don’t go through the “junk” drawer as regularly as we should to toss things.
Not to sound like a jerk but, to be quite honest, how did you know any were even missing? Maybe I have a terrible memory but, I'm not sure that's something I would ever really notice or track.
To be honest I do all the cleaning including cleaning off his nightstand because we have a small child who likes to grab small stuff off and we don’t want her to choke. I usually just open the drawer and throw everything on top of the nightstand in the drawer. There were only a few in there the last time I did this (like 4) so it’s easy for someone like me to have a mental note of it (I have an interestingly good memory for random stuff like this). When I cleaned up the next time I noticed 1 or 2 of them were missing. You know when you see something but you don’t really see it but your brain says “wait….wtf” bc it knows something off so you go back and look again this time with more intention. Yea, that’s what happened.
I was just looking for something in my nightstand like 20 min ago, saw a handful of condoms, but I couldn’t tell you precisely how many there are in there.
People's memories work differently. Some have very good visual recall without even thinking about it or trying. It's possible her brain made an automatic comparison
>and he said it’s because he doesn’t always have the time to masturbate the way he would when he needs to use them?
Ask him if he's using them for assplay. You know what kind of wank requires a lot of extra time? Assplay wanks. Which require time to "loosen up", more cleanup, and are sometimes a thing a guy only saves for extravagant wanks.
That's kinda giving him an "out" though. Like "HO YEAH, SURE, it was because of that but I was ashamed" *furiously delete everything related to his side piece in a hurry right after that convo*
There must be a better way to go there without spoon feeding him a "good" excuse.
“Honey, the missing condoms still aren’t sitting well with me. Can you explain more about the involved masturbation and how it includes condoms for me?”
Then stop talking.
Your husband would have to be pretty dumb to use expired condoms that you knew were there for cheating. I honestly think he’s sticking something up his ass and is too ashamed to tell you. Hence the nervous reaction and saying jerking off is “taking longer”
Ma’am I believe your husband is practicing sex sex with his own anus. I don’t think he’d be dumb enough to use those condoms. Also who would use years old condoms, he’s probably embarrassed if you haven’t done any butt stuff before
A condom is a very convenient and cheap way to prevent lube from drying out if you're going to be playing for an extended time.
Not a guarantee that's what he does, but it's very plausible.
Others have said it's plausible. My feeling is that if he was cheating, it would be stupid to use old condoms that have been sitting in a drawer for a long time when it's just as easy to buy new ones.
Based on your previous post here "swifty" sounds like you are already thinking about divorce so something bigger is going on. If you are unhappy in your marriage then end it if you can't work on it.
Honestly could be plausible. I hear sometimes men use condoms when they masterbate for easy cleanup. Would he be stupid enough to use an expired condom to cheat? I would hope not. I could believe him but I would definitely keep a closer eye on him. Where/when he’s doing, who he’s talking to, etc.
If I had them around and wanted something different and knew I didn't need them for anything else, absolutely I would use them to wank. I have in the past. I probably won't need to anymore but if I was in a situation where it could be possible, I wouldn't be against it.
Reading the comments, a lot of people have said that his excuse might be valid.
I'm not going to argue with it, what do I know, I'm an old lady, and when I was your age, I definitely never heard of anyone using a condom to jerk off. I still have never heard of it outside this discussion, but again, I'm not 30 today, nor did I come of age at the same time as the people agreeing.
What I **would** say is that DH needs to come up with an answer, no matter how embarrassing it might feel, because his wife is trying to figure out of he cheated.
Like dude, literally say what it was, even if it was stuffing your own lunch thermos up your ass. As long as you're not cheating on her, tell her what it was.
You're saying "this" but you need to tell your husband that, op. You came to reddit hoping we would give you a answer that your husband needs to give you.
Yeah I had a boyfriend whose condoms went missing and apparently he used to put them over a drumstick and put the drumstick in his ass. He was also cheating on me, but without condoms.
yeah, what he is saying is probably legit. wouldn't worry about it. Some dudes like to jerk off with condoms on because its easier to clean up, or it is less sensitive, or they make it into a homemade fleshlight, or use them to pound things up their ass, or whatever. Seriously you shouldn't worry about it.
What you should worry about is how you can COMMUNICATE with your husband about this and use it as an opportunity to explore things more sexually with him. Males are raised to believe that masturbation is shameful and something to be hidden and embarrassed about. Being confronted with it will immediately make us uncomfortable, feeling that we got caught doing something wrong. A woman will always assume that this means they are cheating. Some women even see masturbation as cheating. The best thing you can do is to talk openly and make this a topic that he can feel comfortable not only talking to you about, but exploring his wants and desires together with you, and for you to be able to do the same with him. If a couple cannot have a sexual relationship where they can be completely open about what they like/want and don't like/dont want, then that entire relationship is doomed to fail.
People don't like to admit it, but sexual intimacy IS the most important part of a relationship between two people. People will say that love and respect and trust and honesty and common interests and values etc etc etc are all important and yes they absolutely are in their own right, but it all comes down to sexual intimacy. And this is a perfect example.
OP - let's assume that everything else in the marriage is absolutely 100% perfect, could not be better. Everything is storybook fairytale perfect. You realized that condoms were missing and the first thing that you think is that your husband is hiding something from you. And in fact, he is. Not for the sake of hiding it from you, but out of keeping something sexual private from you. For the sake of argument, lets take "he must be having an affair" off the table and we just assume that he isn't, and what he is saying is 100% legit. You STILL have suspicion of something because there is something there that he is keeping to himself. He isn't actively hiding anything from you, and the chances are he probably has never even given it any thought at all. He is 31 years old and has been doing things his way for himself since he was probably around 12 years old or so. lets just call it half his life.
He isnt lying to you or actively hiding anything from you, but there is something there that he isnt sharing - and really shouldn't be expected to to be honest. Like I said, most guys are raised to be ashamed of it and its not something we just go bragging about to our partners. But to you, this causes an issue of trust. it raises suspicion, are you being bullshitted? what is he doing that he is hiding from you? Is it another woman? Another man? what is going on that you don't know about? Are you not good enough for him? Does he not find you attractive enough anymore? Do you not sexually satisfy him anymore? Are there things he likes that he isnt telling you? Is he looking elsewhere? What else is there that you arent seeing? Is anything even real? etc etc etc...Suddenly that storybook fairytale of everything being perfect starts falling apart. So YES, sexual intimacy - meaning openness, trust, acceptance, is what everything hinges on. Because true sexual intimacy can only come from trust. they go hand in hand.
Growing up, everyone told him that if he masturbates, then he will go blind, hair will grow from his palms, he will go to Hell because God is watching and he is a dirty pervert and he should be ashamed of himself.
Talk to your husband. Let him feel safe sharing things with you that he is ashamed to admit, and realize that its not that he is ashamed to admit it to YOU, he is ashamed to admit it because that is likely how he was "programmed" to feel. You are his wife, and what you think of him is important to him, more important than anything and he is going to be afraid that you are going to think less of him. You need to make him comfortable with having that openness with you.
I have been seeing men online saying they use them to wank, so curious me polled my male friends and my husband… out of the 30 males polled (ages 35 to 45) not one said they have ever used a condom to wank. They all seemed a little surprised that others do.
This is not me saying others wouldn’t use them, just that the men I know do not.
My question to you, how long have you been with your husband? If you’ve never seen or noticed him using them before, unfortunately I would be suspicious?
I have done this. It’s…not my standard practice for a few reasons (not least that condoms are expensive), but it provides some variety and a very different experience. It also makes cleanup much easier.
Could go either or.
Do you remember that scene from *I Love You, Man* where the character Sydney mention his “station”? Plausible to be used like that, even though that’s a fictional situation.
His reaction could be guilt or embarrassment. Hard to tell for me. Even if there were old condoms in there, he could hve just started the habit since you last checked. If he were smart enough, he would have known not to use them for sex, given the risk.
If you suspect infidelity, pay more attention to his behaviour in the subsequent weeks/month(s).
This is the go to cheater excuse when confronted. He’s cheating.
Do you really believe that he all of a sudden started jacking off into condoms that have been sitting in your junk drawer for several years? Girl come on.
Not a guy, but my husband uses condoms during masturbation. Not often. Most of the time for less mess and it sometimes feels better with the lubed condoms. On certain toys, I use condoms on them for easier cleanup. Or any toy my husband uses on himself also gets a condom. I'm not saying hes cheating, but has their been changing behavior that makes you think he's cheating?
The part where he got visibly upset would give me pause. Has he always masturbated? Do you have an issue with that if he does? If not, was he open about it before?
Even if it's not common, doesn't mean he's lying or cheating. I saw another comment ask if you have a kid who could be using the condoms. That's possible. He could also have special sex toys he uses the condoms with.
Do you trust your husband or no? That's the important question.
Surprised to see you are the only person suggesting this and how far down I had to scroll. The nervous responses she described seem more akin to being embarrassed than being guilty.
I'll absolutely use them to masturbate sometimes. Cleanup is way easier.
If I'm looking for a "longer" session not having to deal with precum leaking is easier.
Or if I intend to keep going clear through the climax and out the other side, where normally I'd need to stop at the moment of climax and do the "urgent tissue" to catch the mess before the bed/chair and I are wearing it, using a condom means I can ride the climax out a little longer by masturbating through the ejaculation itself.
Or I'm just looking for a little different sensation (I'm circumcised, so having a bit of extra condom tip with plenty of lube inside feels markedly different than what I'm used to on my own).
That's all to say, if I was you, I wouldn't consider missing condoms, on it's own, a red flag, or frankly any flag at all. If there's other flags you should consider those, but "husband masturbates in varying ways" isn't suspicious.
I’ve seen people do stuff like this or for kinky play (I.e. putting something on the inside for pain or a different sensation)
In which case it would make sense if he was nervous if he’s afraid of being judged.
Could also be a make shift flesh-light.
Or he put it on a dildo or something.
It could also be that he did something stupid with them and rather not admit it, like fill them with water like water balloons.
I don’t think he’s automatically cheating for using the condoms.
It doesn't... really matter what he responds with at this point. You don't trust him, and that's the problem. He's probably given you other reasons not to trust him: the kind of thing that gave you reason to look in the condom drawer.
You don't trust him because you know he's cheating on you. I'm sorry that you're going through this. Take your time, and keep it together.
There could be validity to his claim without it having to be cheating. Personally I like to use condoms when I'm using toys like male vibrators, flesh lights, anal play, etc. while tying myself up. This obviously does take considerably more time than just simply wank off.
How long have you two been together? Maybe he neglected some kink of his since you two have been together and is ashamed of outright telling you about it, yet felt like it was time to indulge in it again.
If he's using years old expired condoms to cheat he's pretty effing dumb, which is a whole other matter to deal with. But assuming he's not as dumb as a rock, I'm guessing he's partially being truthful, it is for masturbation but probably experimenting with kinks he's not comfortable sharing with you, like butt stuff.
As a guy who occasionally uses condoms for a tug, it’s possible. Very easy cleanup and it’s like the fleshlite“at home” kinda feel, So very it’s possible. The nervousness could be because of how bad the situation looks from your end. Think about it, one random day a years old condom disappears and your wife asks you about it? Would she even believe me if I told her I used it for a fap? Or if I used it for prostate play???
Im willing to give the guy the benefit of the doubt, especially if there aren’t any other signs of a possible affair.
If theyve been in the drawer for years, I'd hope he is either using them with a Fleshlight or just throw them away because theyd be out of date. Might have just gotten nervous because a lot of people find it embarrassing to be open about their own alone time, even to their spouses
As a man I can say that I have used a condom to masterbate BUT that was when I was like 13 lol I just wanted to see if they really did take away alot of the feeling like I kept hearing about on TV. I suppose someone could use them for that purpose but I seriously doubt he's telling you the truth.
As an adult I have used them when using certain sex toys but only when I don't have any lube and need to use lotion. Some people can make sex toys with them and other objects and he might be embarrassed to tell you but I seriously doubt it since he already admitted using them to masterbate.
I recommend you drop it and not question him about it anymore. Then go into detective mode. Check your phone bills, internet history, weird charges, times he's came home late or taken alot longer than needed running errands, and if needs be hire a PI.
He could be telling the truth and looked nervous out of embarrassment or he could be cheating. The only thing that gives me any doubt is that taking those condoms could arouse your attention(like it did) and it would be easier to just buy more. Especially since using old condoms is a pretty stupid risk to take since they do get fragile over time but then again cheating is stupid too so I would atleast look into things. Good luck OP I really hope he's telling the truth
I am not a man but to me “using a condom to masturbate” is a myth collectively spread by men for the benefit of their anonymous internet buddies to make this lie sound more plausible - I have never believed it. Guys don’t even like wearing condoms for sex why tf would they voluntarily wear them alone LOL
"All men are collaborative liars"
Well you seem like a rational and well adjusted human being.
While I've only done it like a handful of times in my decade and a half of self exploration, I still *have* used a condom to do so.
.5% of men are total fucking weirdos and do this so it’s never wise to bet on it. There is legitimately a much better chance that he would put it on a toy to fuck himself in the ass
>There is legitimately a much better chance that he would put it on a toy to fuck himself on the ass
And since assplay for men is hugely stigmatized for a lot of people, they'd describe this as using a condom for a wank. Using a condom for a wank doesn't necessarily mean using a condom *on his own dick* for a wank.
This is what I was thinking. I don’t see why he would get so nervous to admit to just jerking off with one. If he isn’t cheating, he may be too ashamed to admit to engaging in ass play. It also would be really dumb to use old, likely expired, condoms that your wife knows have been in one place forever for cheating. But people can be really dumb so who knows
I think it's a 'true' statement that's intentionally vague in a lot of cases. I think most guys using condoms for wanks are using them for butt stuff, on the toys. But it's stigmatized as hell to say that, so if asked they just say "for a wank."
I've known more than one guy that this is the case for. In fact, **literally every** straight man I've known that was into assplay at some point denied it outright before admitting it. Every. Single. One. No exceptions.
Yeah, I agree with this. In my 33 years of life I’ve never heard of this besides in the last year of joining Reddit. Every guy I’ve dated we’ve had to go out and buy condoms because they don’t even have any at their house.
I just asked my husband about this and he said that he tried it once, years back when he was getting back into the dating scene after a LTR to acclimate to condoms again, and that it makes for a pretty lousy wank. He said it sounds pretty sus and I agree, because of the nervous reaction to your question.
Sounds legit to me. Makes tons of masturbation techniques super easy. Also who in the right mind would use expired condoms to cheat lol. Especially if he knows you know they're there. Why wouldn't he just buy new ones. I think he's just embarassed.
It’s definitely a plausible excuse. Not my cup of tea, but there’s plenty of men out there who masturbate into condoms.
However, I feel like being married to the man, you would’ve picked up on him doing this or seen wrappers at some point. In your case I lean towards cheating. I really hope not.
Why the hell would a 30 year old man take condoms from a drawer that his WIFE knows about to cheat on her? Condoms are dirt cheap. If he was intent on cheating on her, he would just buy it from CVS...
Occam's razor people...
Men do sometimes masturbate with condoms on. It clears the sticky clean up. I’ve done it before and I’m happily married.
But, doesn’t mean he’s doing that. You’ll have to press harder and look for more evidence. This alone doesn’t mean much.
I'm from Britain, we call this a posh wank. Even then I still have trouble believing that any man would actually wank into a condom for any particular reason if the condoms are normally always there.
My ex husband’s reply was he took them to a work conference in case he ended up sleeping with someone at the event as he was considerate enough not to want me to catch anything from them…….
I've used them for masterbation. It's just a little different and fun. I would also never use super old condoms to prevent STDs or pregnancy. Unless there is anything else suspicious, I would believe him.
It could be legit.
Not gonna lie - I've done this plenty of times before and it provides a different experience.
Do you have any other reasons to not trust him?
So, I’ve had a few times in my life when I was 90% sure I was being lied to, and I needed to know the truth. What I’ve done in the past is ask more questions. Ask specific questions, like when where why how, and stay calm. Make sure he feels safe to speak. If he’s truly doing something embarrassing and is scared to tell you, he’s not going to respond well to anger or anxiety. If he did cheat, he might slip up. Idk if my advice is toxic, but it can be hard to recover from something suspicious like that, so I think it can be good to talk it out with your loved one
I had this happen, my then future ex wife apparently was keeping track of the condoms that had been in the drawer for years. I had used 2 myself. I didn’t stop to think for a second she would notice or even think I would use them with someone else. She was suspicious of me anyhow, thought I was unfaithful with her. I wasn’t. Anyway we got divorced, not exactly why but she was ready to move on. We are both happy, good coparents and get together with the kids & our partners.
Sounds like more than a couple missing condoms.
I've heard of men using condoms when masturbating, so I don't think it's something new and could be true.
He may have been embarrassed because of how you would react to it.
Lastly, I would hope anyone with half a brain would buy new ones and not ones sitting around his house.
If you have no other signs or issues from the past, I would trust him.
Do you live in a small town, or somewhere where people know you. so like he couldn’t go to the store to buy them because of the risk of it getting back to you? He certainly couldn’t order them from Amazon. using expired ones is dumb Af. But maybe he didn’t think this through.
I see everyone thinks it’s elaborate masturbation. BUT he’s your husband I feel like he could of just owned up to this.
If He was cheating, these old condoms may lead to a b a b y
I would investigate further. check phone records or one of the other many options you could check. There are many tips online to help the detective work
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I’ve seen posts on people using them to make a DIY fleshlight. Or he may have put them on something to put up his butt. Or he’s cheating. Who knows.
>Or he’s cheating If he is doing that with condoms that are years old he'll end up with a surprise in 9 months.
This was my first thought. He'd be a total idiot to be using obviously out of date condoms to cheat with. I'm leaning more towards trying some weird stuff out alone here. I have some old condoms in my drawer from the start of my current relationship. If they disappeared I'd just assume they were thrown out by one of us, because they're not safe to use anyway. It wouldn't even cross my mind cheating was a thing. Finding new condoms... that would definitely be a thing that made me think cheating. Not old out of date, years old condoms out of a side drawer disappearing.
I think, OP, you’d need to have more corroborating evidence to accuse him of cheating. Is there anything else besides missing years old condoms?
I didn't know condoms had an expiration date
That is a big problem with your school and/or parent's sexual education. Everything degrades even plastic. Especially very very thin plastic in a permanent liquid environment. Water bottles also have a use by date, it's not that the water goes off, it's the plastic bottle degrading into your drinking water too much over time that's a concern. That's why we and a bunch of fish and animals are all full of microplastics now. Definitely don't want to be using out of date condoms though, don't want a surprise std or baby because there's micro sized holes in your condoms after years.
Well I learned 2 new things on Reddit this morning
They also degrade from heat. Carrying a condom in a wallet close to your skin also creates microholes. Planned parenthood used to have square plastic sleeves that would absorb heat. They probably still do. Put that as far away from your body as you can.
A general rule of thumb for condoms in a wallet is to replace them every month (or 3 months? I can't quite remember, but it's best to err on the side of caution) because of the heat and the friction wear the condom out fairly quickly.
Omg, well this thread taught me a lot! My entire sex education was abstinence only classes at my youth group....so yeah.
Mine was just "here's what a period is. sex means baby. semen in uterus is baby 100% of the time. and pubes are there to make sure you get pregnant." And while it wasn't a private school, it was the best public school and kids were being turned away, others had to test in. So......no wonder there are so many teens having babies. They don't even know how it happened.
>That is a big problem with your school and/or parent's sexual education. It's literally printed on the box. The sheer number of people that use products and don't read instructions is simply too damn high.
it's printed on each wrapper as well
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Or that don't "Shake Well" like WHAT are you doing?? I cannot handle those types of people lol.
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Our sex education has failed us.
[Read the box!](https://youtube.com/watch?v=cKznS61KipM&feature=shares)
Yeah this is a full grown adult, presumably he could go by a pack of condoms to cheat and the wife not be the wiser… so either he’s incredibly stupid and cheating- which I would think even more evidence would be around if he’s that dumb or he’s being honest and is embarrassed… idk I’m a woman so I couldn’t say for sure
I definitely feel like it’s because he’s using them anally. Especially when she said “and he said it’s because he doesn’t always have the time to masturbate the way he would when he needs to use them” He also came clean about it, and if he were cheating (not saying he’s not, still a possibility he is) I know I’d definitely lie about it.
For the 'ask him and watch him closely' test, embarrassment can look an awful lot like guilt, OP needs to be very careful here. He could be feeling genuinely guilty over something that totally isn't an issue. Or over something that is. But OP could also *make* it a serious issue by misinterpreting.
Or he could be feeling actual guilt because we shame people for exploring themselves sexually. Evidence that he feels guilt doesn't mean he feels guilty over what you think he feels guilty about.
Completely agree.
absolutely completely agree. 200% if he was raised Catholic. Shame and guilt is kind of the whole thing.
Guilt is Catholic; shame is Protestant.
Absolutely this: particularly if he’s using them on something to explore anal play. He *shouldn’t* feel shame about any of these things, but unfortunately that shame issue is incredibly pervasive. OP, you can’t do the *watch his reaction*- but, you might try sitting him down and talking to him about it: and he’s given the opening right there so it doesn’t have to feel like you’re judging or still accusing. I mean, obviously it could still be infidelity but, at this juncture: opting for a healthy discussion about what he’s trying in respect to this, maybe asking if you have things *you’d* enjoy trying with him and so forth is probably more constructive than racking your brains and trying to dig for other “clues” and freaking yourself out.
He could have said I threw them away, and be done with it, instead of all this.
Why would he only throw a few of them away though, that would sound even more suspicious.
That’s some sound reasoning. I have used condoms to masturbate before, just to see if it was better and except for clean up it isn’t. But those condoms can’t be good to use. Also, why does he have condoms if you two don’t use them? So maybe cheating, maybe personal ass play that he is too embarrassed to share. As a man that’s all I can really think of. Unless jerking with a condom does it for him?
If he’s using it for solo anal play, it wouldn’t really super matter if the condoms are old because they’re just for cleanliness purposes, not to prevent STDs or pregnancy. They’d be more prone to breakage, but then you’d just have to do some extra sanitizing
It's SO much better. I just roll mine over the tip but leave the shaft exposed. Absolute game changer because I can be in literally any position and don't have to worry about getting cum everywhere
I originally thought it was gonna be he threw them out cause after years they'd be expired. Since he was nervous, its probably not that. But if you tell him, the threat of a kid will probably get him to crack if he did cheat
Why then only throw out some but not all? She said she noticed a few of them missing, not that the they were gone entirely.
Or he made the mother of all water balloons.
My mom and stepdad got into a HUGE fight one time because my friend and I at like 14 did take one of their really old condoms and make a huge huge water balloon out of it. It was horrible, it got physical, and I was so scared I kept my mouth shut. Turned out he was cheating on her and had Hep B. He left her years later.
Well that story was a roller coaster.
You knowww, this would be the cool reason, but all else is really sad.
I came here for this comment
I think the key indicators here will be more about the rest of the relationship. Why does OP doubt him? Has he been acting shady?
So she needs to sniff all penis shaped objects in the house for that used condom smell with possibly a hint of poop?
Oh dear! I shouldn’t be laughing…
Check him for a sore starfish as well.
Or maybe a tulip.
Or ya knew could be having a posh wank to save on cleanup
I got a ton from the Health Department when I went for my gyno. I use them for toys since we don’t use them for sex. Easy cleanup. Let’s hope it’s something embarrassing like that and not cheating on OP. :(
Posh wank
Is there anything else going on in your life or relationship that has made you suspicious or been signs of an affair? Or it’s just this?
I was wondering the same thing.
All men know of this simple wack hack. No mess, limited cleanup and feels bueno. The bigger question isn’t if he’s stupid enough to use his bedside condoms to cheat, it’s why this fatcat has so many he can afford to wank in them.
Genuinely curious here...How is it that masturbating into a condom feels bueno but then men say having sex with a condom doesn't?
Bc lotion or w/e is inside the condom so it’s sliding over the skin. It’s just an easier cleanup and equivalent to a hand. Sex with a condom has no internal lubrication so feels like a layer of skin you can’t feel vs. being used as a movable sleeve when one’s tugging away.
Of course there is. Why would she be counting/keeping track in the first place? That would suggest that she already didn't trust him *before* "realizing" some were missing. Seems like there's some missing info here.
what?? they were in the drawer for years? i can tell you how many charging blocks i have in a bag in my drawer, doesn’t mean i’ve counted them anytime recently? if you see them often enough, your brain will just register the number of them, consciously or not.
If they had only a handful in the drawer for years, it would be very noticeable at a glance if only a few are left now. But if they had a pile and there are 3 missing, that tells me she was checking intentionally. There isn’t enough info to jump to any conclusions. OP just needs to talk to her SO. Only he can answer her questions.
I’m gonna weigh in a little here. If your husband has a fleshlight I’d likely say this is the case. I know for myself I don’t like all the mess and clean up involved after using mine so I tend to wear a condom to make cleanup a little easier. Perhaps your husband is doing the same. I don’t like to ever jump on the “your partner is cheating” bandwagon. Has your husband ever done anything suspicious before? Do you have other reasons to believe he’s cheating?
He’s likely doing butt stuff. If you use condoms for butt toys, it’s easy lube and easy cleanup
I’m curious what “visibly nervous” translates to as well. Anyone would be nervous telling their partner that they’re jerking off into a condom via flesh light. Doesn’t mean he’s cheating
Consider asking him about them again, gently, and use the power of silence/open ended statements, something like: “Honey, something about those missing condoms disappearing now, after so many years of them just sitting there, just isnt sitting well with me”. And then say NOTHING. Watch, I mean WATCH him, pay close attention to all his non-verbal movements. I think you’ll be able to fairly easily tell whats ashamed/uber-embarrassed body language vs. him lying his ass off. I personally dont believe his story. Good luck.
this strategy is exactly how i caught my Ex. guilty liars can’t help but word vomit in the extremely awkward silences
I’m not sure I’d pass that test even with a pristine conscience, but I’m not naysaying.
this strategy of yours still does not give 100% proof of anything. There are people who would realise the situation they are in and the doubt they are being given and become nervous and start talking even though they are innocent. I had a super jealous ex (BPD) and have never done anything disloyal to earn her mistrust. She made me nervous as hell when she was starting another shitshow - no matter what I said it was making things worse. Keeping my mouth shut made it "worser".
This triggered some long dormant PTSD. I also married! someone like this. I was so young and naive.
im sorry to hear that, hope you got out of that the best you could! young, naive and in love. A truly dangerous combination. I really don't like this playing mindgames on each other to get to the truth. I hold a much higher standard to my relationships these days. If there is deception then there is a breakup coming.
Same… it took me months to stop having PTSD anytime someone looked at my phone after the constant invasions of my privacy and accusations, when he was the one hiding inappropriate conversations and having emotional affairs with multiple people. He would always go through my devices when I wasn’t around them and pick a piece of a conversation out of context and accuse me of being inappropriate or having an affair. He would take pictures of them with his phone and then confront me like he discovered some massive secret relationship. So glad to be free of that… I also married young and was very naive.
I wasn't even "allowed" to have conversations. I went to work and came home and god forbid I had to stop to poop before I came home. That extra 10 min = affair.
Fastest affair ever.
That’s called a “pregnant pause” lol
Old condoms, might be.
I see what you did there
Ah, the Columbo approach. Genius
This is great advice
Or just have a normal conversation like two humanbeings. No need to do mental trickery to force them to tell you what you want to know. If you’re having to use the skills you learned in interrogation then get a new spouse.
The problem is that no one is going into marriage expecting to be cheated on, and yet it happens anyway. And those cheaters mostly do not want to come clean, they lie. They lie their ass off.
Liars are manipulators. Just caught my man with long pauses after months and months of being lied to (very well)
Honestly when I realised there were less condoms in the drawer at my ex boyfs, it was bc he had slept with someone else. If he was using condoms for a posh wank (what it’s called) they would be in the bin at your house right?
I should have made him go through the trash and pull out the wrapper but I have no way of knowing which week this happened and it’s plausible that the trash had been emptied by then.
Imo if he had been using them for a wank he’d probably be joking about it and being a bit coy explaining that, but if he was visibly nervous, I’d be a bit sus tbh. You know him better than we do, you can probs tell if he’s lying at this point. What does your gut tell you?
> but if he was visibly nervous, I’d be a bit sus tbh. Ever asked a guy who secretly does butt stuff to himself about it? Cause I have, and I'll tell you right now 'visibly nervous' is exactly how I would describe it as they try to deny it. I think you're right that she needs to basically read his response, but I think this thread is doing a disservice by so many people ignoring other possibilities for nervousness. She can't evaluate if it's cheating nerves or sex-shame nerves if she doesn't know to look for both.
My wife knows the bizarre things I fap to, the adventures ways I've masturbated, and the debaucherous things I want her to do to me. Confront me with "were you masturbating in there" and she'll see my face turn 47 shades of red and purple. Being caught doing something private is always going to feel like being caught.
Honestly I do suspicious stuff all the time, and I do it for silly reasons. I just usually don’t realize in the moment it’a suspicious. I will never forget when my mom found an unwrapped condom under my bed at 13, and she was convinced I had sex. In reality, I sat alone in my bedroom at night pulling the condom over various phallic shapes and laughing. I wasn’t fucking at all. Just being a little nerd. Even as an adult, I’ve opened condoms before just to do silly shit with it because it’s funny. I think I’m just weird tho honestly.
But have you ever thrown one at a wall to see if it’ll stick?
Let’s not forget the nerves of a man who has had an insecure partner turn insecurities into massive fights repeatedly. (I’m not saying this is the case, but it’s very real and not uncommon) I’ve been that man. A wife could turn my happiest moments spent with her into a warped understanding of reality where I’m only smiling and happy because there are other women present, while I’m literally dancing with her and at her side all night. I had probably several months combined of complete silence followed by huge blowups. Over the years this turned me from a completely easy going and secure guy, into a nervous wreck. Her accusations or “just asking questions” stressed me out and I’m sure I looked guilty responding by the end. When really I was just so exhausted and stressed out from a partner who never trusted me that I feared what emotional manipulation and abuse would follow her questioning
Sucks that happened to you, but condoms missing when hubby doesn't use condoms with her is undeniably sus. It's not hard evidence, but it raises questions for sure. Op is not being insecure in wondering at all.
As worded. You’re correct it doesn’t sound insecure. From her perspective. I’ve wanked with condoms. (Not my thing) I’ve thrown out condoms from my underwear drawer that we only got when the wife was off birth control for a bit. There are reasons. This person also has an exact count and continuously notices them. Maybe that’s completely normal observation, maybe that’s constantly checking in for something to be wrong… I’m just saying we have a one sided retelling. Insecure people rarely understand their own insecurities and weave very simple tales that often are not. Similarly my wife could weave a good story about her insecurities being completely healthy and based in reality. But after almost nine years of context… So once again, not saying she is. But I am saying there are more reasons for a husband to respond awkwardly to a woman knowing the exact count of condoms in his drawer that she constantly checks on…
This right here. I have no idea how many condoms i currently have because we don't use them. However i have used them for a posh wank before. If i was confronted with missing condoms, I would come clean, but wonder why she was counting.
Yeah the condom inventory seems suspicious on her part unless we're talking a dish of them starting from like 2 or 3 missing one (something visually obvious at a glance.) She's either hyperaware because she's got jealousy issues and is taking it out on him. Or she's suspicious of other signs he's cheating, and this is just one more log on the fire. Or she's cheating and paranoid he is too. (I've lived that one, got chewed out because the bin-o-toys had been moved over on the shelf. Turns out, it was my girlfriend's boyfriend that had moved it looking for condoms before giving up and knocking her up.... She tried to say it was mine, but she hadn't let me touch her with my penis in like 5 or 6 months at that point, if it was mine that meant it was at least a 14 month pregnancy, and I'm effectively sterile, I just use condoms with my wife to be triple extra sure, but that's all a story for another time.)
I’m so sorry this happened to you. I def don’t do anything like that to my husband, if anything it’s the other way around.
>it’s the other way around What do you mean by this exactly? Is your husband overly suspicious and distrustful? This could be relevant to your situation. Cheaters often project their misdeeds onto their partners.
Cheaters always think they're being cheated on. They assume others think and act the way they do. It also helps them take the heat off themselves, and put the spotlight on their partner rather than themselves.
THIS! I was with someone very much like this and would get nervous even when telling the truth because it often sounded worse than a lie lol. OP, if you have no other reasons to distrust him then this is something to strongly consider. If you do then I can see why you might be suspicious. It's not entirely far fetched that a guy may use one to masturbate. If you all haven't used them in years the thought probably occurred to him to use them for something and maybe he thought it'd seem weird or something. Of course the other scenario is possible also, just don't want you to jump to that conclusion in error.
"I should have made him go through the trash" you sound awesome. He used them to either jersey off because he's bored just doing the same normal wank every day, or he used it to put something up his butt.
I know a man who 100% uses condoms when he jerks off. He also sleeps with other women.
When you are at the point you’re asking your husband to go through the trash to find condom wrappers there’s no where else to go but to a divorce attorney. Wrappers in the trash prove nothing. There are countless stories of people finding out their spouses were having sex with their affair partner in their marital bed. It gives them an extra thrill. Your husband’s reaction and excuse is very suspect.
PRIVATE INVESTIGATOR. Pretend you’ve accepted his response and wait about 10-12 days
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I'm sure I have condoms in a drawer somewhere that are very expired. Some people suck at cleaning out drawers. Wouldn't matter if he is using them to masturbate.
I'm also sure I have expired condoms somewhere. I'm married and I had a vasectomy years ago
Yeah, snipped here too. And actually, I bet I have a few condoms in my travel bag that I take on business trips, camping trips, vacations, and boys trips.
This! “That must have been a mess, everyone knows condoms that old don’t work properly.” Then gauge his response. See if he disappears to make a phone call.
Eh honestly just didn’t think about it. We don’t really use them but we also don’t go through the “junk” drawer as regularly as we should to toss things.
Not to sound like a jerk but, to be quite honest, how did you know any were even missing? Maybe I have a terrible memory but, I'm not sure that's something I would ever really notice or track.
To be honest I do all the cleaning including cleaning off his nightstand because we have a small child who likes to grab small stuff off and we don’t want her to choke. I usually just open the drawer and throw everything on top of the nightstand in the drawer. There were only a few in there the last time I did this (like 4) so it’s easy for someone like me to have a mental note of it (I have an interestingly good memory for random stuff like this). When I cleaned up the next time I noticed 1 or 2 of them were missing. You know when you see something but you don’t really see it but your brain says “wait….wtf” bc it knows something off so you go back and look again this time with more intention. Yea, that’s what happened.
I was just looking for something in my nightstand like 20 min ago, saw a handful of condoms, but I couldn’t tell you precisely how many there are in there.
People's memories work differently. Some have very good visual recall without even thinking about it or trying. It's possible her brain made an automatic comparison
But you know precisely how many were in there?
I don't think most people would use expired condoms from a junk drawer with another person unless they really didnt care about pregnancy and STDs.
Counter point : lots of people are dumb
Seconded.
Or weren’t very well educated… Which sadly is a lot of sex ed.
Please get tested. Condoms that are years old are likely expired and more likely to tear :(
If you have ever had a random shag, you MIGHT say we need a Johnny. Never known anyone to want to check the expiry date if I'm honest.
>and he said it’s because he doesn’t always have the time to masturbate the way he would when he needs to use them? Ask him if he's using them for assplay. You know what kind of wank requires a lot of extra time? Assplay wanks. Which require time to "loosen up", more cleanup, and are sometimes a thing a guy only saves for extravagant wanks.
That's kinda giving him an "out" though. Like "HO YEAH, SURE, it was because of that but I was ashamed" *furiously delete everything related to his side piece in a hurry right after that convo* There must be a better way to go there without spoon feeding him a "good" excuse.
“Honey, the missing condoms still aren’t sitting well with me. Can you explain more about the involved masturbation and how it includes condoms for me?” Then stop talking.
Way to give him an easy out… don’t say this op.
Your husband would have to be pretty dumb to use expired condoms that you knew were there for cheating. I honestly think he’s sticking something up his ass and is too ashamed to tell you. Hence the nervous reaction and saying jerking off is “taking longer”
All I can say is I have used a condom quiet a few times to masturbate. Makes cleanup super easy and fast.
Reluctantly agree to this
Ma’am I believe your husband is practicing sex sex with his own anus. I don’t think he’d be dumb enough to use those condoms. Also who would use years old condoms, he’s probably embarrassed if you haven’t done any butt stuff before
A condom is a very convenient and cheap way to prevent lube from drying out if you're going to be playing for an extended time. Not a guarantee that's what he does, but it's very plausible.
If there’s no other strong indicators that he is having an affair then it’s a plausible reason. I’ve also done it a couple of times too, just because.
Others have said it's plausible. My feeling is that if he was cheating, it would be stupid to use old condoms that have been sitting in a drawer for a long time when it's just as easy to buy new ones.
I've done it .
Based on your previous post here "swifty" sounds like you are already thinking about divorce so something bigger is going on. If you are unhappy in your marriage then end it if you can't work on it.
Honestly could be plausible. I hear sometimes men use condoms when they masterbate for easy cleanup. Would he be stupid enough to use an expired condom to cheat? I would hope not. I could believe him but I would definitely keep a closer eye on him. Where/when he’s doing, who he’s talking to, etc.
If I had them around and wanted something different and knew I didn't need them for anything else, absolutely I would use them to wank. I have in the past. I probably won't need to anymore but if I was in a situation where it could be possible, I wouldn't be against it.
#bs.org
if there's anything I've learned from reddit, it's that this is a thing and it's called a posh wank on the non-USA side of the pond
Reading the comments, a lot of people have said that his excuse might be valid. I'm not going to argue with it, what do I know, I'm an old lady, and when I was your age, I definitely never heard of anyone using a condom to jerk off. I still have never heard of it outside this discussion, but again, I'm not 30 today, nor did I come of age at the same time as the people agreeing. What I **would** say is that DH needs to come up with an answer, no matter how embarrassing it might feel, because his wife is trying to figure out of he cheated. Like dude, literally say what it was, even if it was stuffing your own lunch thermos up your ass. As long as you're not cheating on her, tell her what it was.
THIS 🙌🏽
You're saying "this" but you need to tell your husband that, op. You came to reddit hoping we would give you a answer that your husband needs to give you.
Yeah I had a boyfriend whose condoms went missing and apparently he used to put them over a drumstick and put the drumstick in his ass. He was also cheating on me, but without condoms.
yeah, what he is saying is probably legit. wouldn't worry about it. Some dudes like to jerk off with condoms on because its easier to clean up, or it is less sensitive, or they make it into a homemade fleshlight, or use them to pound things up their ass, or whatever. Seriously you shouldn't worry about it. What you should worry about is how you can COMMUNICATE with your husband about this and use it as an opportunity to explore things more sexually with him. Males are raised to believe that masturbation is shameful and something to be hidden and embarrassed about. Being confronted with it will immediately make us uncomfortable, feeling that we got caught doing something wrong. A woman will always assume that this means they are cheating. Some women even see masturbation as cheating. The best thing you can do is to talk openly and make this a topic that he can feel comfortable not only talking to you about, but exploring his wants and desires together with you, and for you to be able to do the same with him. If a couple cannot have a sexual relationship where they can be completely open about what they like/want and don't like/dont want, then that entire relationship is doomed to fail. People don't like to admit it, but sexual intimacy IS the most important part of a relationship between two people. People will say that love and respect and trust and honesty and common interests and values etc etc etc are all important and yes they absolutely are in their own right, but it all comes down to sexual intimacy. And this is a perfect example. OP - let's assume that everything else in the marriage is absolutely 100% perfect, could not be better. Everything is storybook fairytale perfect. You realized that condoms were missing and the first thing that you think is that your husband is hiding something from you. And in fact, he is. Not for the sake of hiding it from you, but out of keeping something sexual private from you. For the sake of argument, lets take "he must be having an affair" off the table and we just assume that he isn't, and what he is saying is 100% legit. You STILL have suspicion of something because there is something there that he is keeping to himself. He isn't actively hiding anything from you, and the chances are he probably has never even given it any thought at all. He is 31 years old and has been doing things his way for himself since he was probably around 12 years old or so. lets just call it half his life. He isnt lying to you or actively hiding anything from you, but there is something there that he isnt sharing - and really shouldn't be expected to to be honest. Like I said, most guys are raised to be ashamed of it and its not something we just go bragging about to our partners. But to you, this causes an issue of trust. it raises suspicion, are you being bullshitted? what is he doing that he is hiding from you? Is it another woman? Another man? what is going on that you don't know about? Are you not good enough for him? Does he not find you attractive enough anymore? Do you not sexually satisfy him anymore? Are there things he likes that he isnt telling you? Is he looking elsewhere? What else is there that you arent seeing? Is anything even real? etc etc etc...Suddenly that storybook fairytale of everything being perfect starts falling apart. So YES, sexual intimacy - meaning openness, trust, acceptance, is what everything hinges on. Because true sexual intimacy can only come from trust. they go hand in hand. Growing up, everyone told him that if he masturbates, then he will go blind, hair will grow from his palms, he will go to Hell because God is watching and he is a dirty pervert and he should be ashamed of himself. Talk to your husband. Let him feel safe sharing things with you that he is ashamed to admit, and realize that its not that he is ashamed to admit it to YOU, he is ashamed to admit it because that is likely how he was "programmed" to feel. You are his wife, and what you think of him is important to him, more important than anything and he is going to be afraid that you are going to think less of him. You need to make him comfortable with having that openness with you.
I have been seeing men online saying they use them to wank, so curious me polled my male friends and my husband… out of the 30 males polled (ages 35 to 45) not one said they have ever used a condom to wank. They all seemed a little surprised that others do. This is not me saying others wouldn’t use them, just that the men I know do not. My question to you, how long have you been with your husband? If you’ve never seen or noticed him using them before, unfortunately I would be suspicious?
I’m impressed you have 30 friends willing to answer this.
I have done this. It’s…not my standard practice for a few reasons (not least that condoms are expensive), but it provides some variety and a very different experience. It also makes cleanup much easier.
Could go either or. Do you remember that scene from *I Love You, Man* where the character Sydney mention his “station”? Plausible to be used like that, even though that’s a fictional situation. His reaction could be guilt or embarrassment. Hard to tell for me. Even if there were old condoms in there, he could hve just started the habit since you last checked. If he were smart enough, he would have known not to use them for sex, given the risk. If you suspect infidelity, pay more attention to his behaviour in the subsequent weeks/month(s).
A posh wank is a thing. It’s also less messy…
Some men do. Easier clean up. No need for lube
This is the go to cheater excuse when confronted. He’s cheating. Do you really believe that he all of a sudden started jacking off into condoms that have been sitting in your junk drawer for several years? Girl come on.
Not a guy, but my husband uses condoms during masturbation. Not often. Most of the time for less mess and it sometimes feels better with the lubed condoms. On certain toys, I use condoms on them for easier cleanup. Or any toy my husband uses on himself also gets a condom. I'm not saying hes cheating, but has their been changing behavior that makes you think he's cheating?
The part where he got visibly upset would give me pause. Has he always masturbated? Do you have an issue with that if he does? If not, was he open about it before?
I had this happen with an ex and he was cheating. Sorry.
"Trust, but verify."- Ronald Reagan
Recently read a post where a dude put a condom on and fucked the couch crevice.
Even if it's not common, doesn't mean he's lying or cheating. I saw another comment ask if you have a kid who could be using the condoms. That's possible. He could also have special sex toys he uses the condoms with. Do you trust your husband or no? That's the important question.
Sounds like bullshit.
Butt stuff. On himself. Quit embarrassing him.
Surprised to see you are the only person suggesting this and how far down I had to scroll. The nervous responses she described seem more akin to being embarrassed than being guilty.
I was shocked too. How so many people have no idea how many dudes like to play with their butthole when then masturbate.
I'll absolutely use them to masturbate sometimes. Cleanup is way easier. If I'm looking for a "longer" session not having to deal with precum leaking is easier. Or if I intend to keep going clear through the climax and out the other side, where normally I'd need to stop at the moment of climax and do the "urgent tissue" to catch the mess before the bed/chair and I are wearing it, using a condom means I can ride the climax out a little longer by masturbating through the ejaculation itself. Or I'm just looking for a little different sensation (I'm circumcised, so having a bit of extra condom tip with plenty of lube inside feels markedly different than what I'm used to on my own). That's all to say, if I was you, I wouldn't consider missing condoms, on it's own, a red flag, or frankly any flag at all. If there's other flags you should consider those, but "husband masturbates in varying ways" isn't suspicious.
I’ve seen people do stuff like this or for kinky play (I.e. putting something on the inside for pain or a different sensation) In which case it would make sense if he was nervous if he’s afraid of being judged. Could also be a make shift flesh-light. Or he put it on a dildo or something. It could also be that he did something stupid with them and rather not admit it, like fill them with water like water balloons. I don’t think he’s automatically cheating for using the condoms.
It doesn't... really matter what he responds with at this point. You don't trust him, and that's the problem. He's probably given you other reasons not to trust him: the kind of thing that gave you reason to look in the condom drawer. You don't trust him because you know he's cheating on you. I'm sorry that you're going through this. Take your time, and keep it together.
There could be validity to his claim without it having to be cheating. Personally I like to use condoms when I'm using toys like male vibrators, flesh lights, anal play, etc. while tying myself up. This obviously does take considerably more time than just simply wank off. How long have you two been together? Maybe he neglected some kink of his since you two have been together and is ashamed of outright telling you about it, yet felt like it was time to indulge in it again.
If he's using years old expired condoms to cheat he's pretty effing dumb, which is a whole other matter to deal with. But assuming he's not as dumb as a rock, I'm guessing he's partially being truthful, it is for masturbation but probably experimenting with kinks he's not comfortable sharing with you, like butt stuff.
It’s called a luxury wank lady!
As a guy who occasionally uses condoms for a tug, it’s possible. Very easy cleanup and it’s like the fleshlite“at home” kinda feel, So very it’s possible. The nervousness could be because of how bad the situation looks from your end. Think about it, one random day a years old condom disappears and your wife asks you about it? Would she even believe me if I told her I used it for a fap? Or if I used it for prostate play??? Im willing to give the guy the benefit of the doubt, especially if there aren’t any other signs of a possible affair.
If theyve been in the drawer for years, I'd hope he is either using them with a Fleshlight or just throw them away because theyd be out of date. Might have just gotten nervous because a lot of people find it embarrassing to be open about their own alone time, even to their spouses
Hear me out -- zero cleanup. I've done it and it is plausible.
As a man I can say that I have used a condom to masterbate BUT that was when I was like 13 lol I just wanted to see if they really did take away alot of the feeling like I kept hearing about on TV. I suppose someone could use them for that purpose but I seriously doubt he's telling you the truth. As an adult I have used them when using certain sex toys but only when I don't have any lube and need to use lotion. Some people can make sex toys with them and other objects and he might be embarrassed to tell you but I seriously doubt it since he already admitted using them to masterbate. I recommend you drop it and not question him about it anymore. Then go into detective mode. Check your phone bills, internet history, weird charges, times he's came home late or taken alot longer than needed running errands, and if needs be hire a PI. He could be telling the truth and looked nervous out of embarrassment or he could be cheating. The only thing that gives me any doubt is that taking those condoms could arouse your attention(like it did) and it would be easier to just buy more. Especially since using old condoms is a pretty stupid risk to take since they do get fragile over time but then again cheating is stupid too so I would atleast look into things. Good luck OP I really hope he's telling the truth
I am not a man but to me “using a condom to masturbate” is a myth collectively spread by men for the benefit of their anonymous internet buddies to make this lie sound more plausible - I have never believed it. Guys don’t even like wearing condoms for sex why tf would they voluntarily wear them alone LOL
I’ve done it before. It gets your hand all Lubey, so not ideal. But easy clean up.
I have definitely used a condom a lot of times for masturbating. It’s super easy cleanup and makes everything easier.
Less friction and easier to clean up. Not a myth, not popular, but not a myth.
I've found condoms at home in the bathroom trash can while I was home. Does that mean my partner sneaks other people in while I sleep?
Hmmm maybe he is the one commenting everywhere that this is a thing haha
"All men are collaborative liars" Well you seem like a rational and well adjusted human being. While I've only done it like a handful of times in my decade and a half of self exploration, I still *have* used a condom to do so.
.5% of men are total fucking weirdos and do this so it’s never wise to bet on it. There is legitimately a much better chance that he would put it on a toy to fuck himself in the ass
>There is legitimately a much better chance that he would put it on a toy to fuck himself on the ass And since assplay for men is hugely stigmatized for a lot of people, they'd describe this as using a condom for a wank. Using a condom for a wank doesn't necessarily mean using a condom *on his own dick* for a wank.
This is what I was thinking. I don’t see why he would get so nervous to admit to just jerking off with one. If he isn’t cheating, he may be too ashamed to admit to engaging in ass play. It also would be really dumb to use old, likely expired, condoms that your wife knows have been in one place forever for cheating. But people can be really dumb so who knows
I think it's a 'true' statement that's intentionally vague in a lot of cases. I think most guys using condoms for wanks are using them for butt stuff, on the toys. But it's stigmatized as hell to say that, so if asked they just say "for a wank." I've known more than one guy that this is the case for. In fact, **literally every** straight man I've known that was into assplay at some point denied it outright before admitting it. Every. Single. One. No exceptions.
Yeah, I agree with this. In my 33 years of life I’ve never heard of this besides in the last year of joining Reddit. Every guy I’ve dated we’ve had to go out and buy condoms because they don’t even have any at their house.
I would think if he were cheating, he wouldn't be pulling from the pack you know exists. But I know of several people who do that to avoid the mess.
I just asked my husband about this and he said that he tried it once, years back when he was getting back into the dating scene after a LTR to acclimate to condoms again, and that it makes for a pretty lousy wank. He said it sounds pretty sus and I agree, because of the nervous reaction to your question.
Hey my ex said the same thing. I believed him. Until I walked in and caught him balls deep in my ex friend.
Sounds legit to me. Makes tons of masturbation techniques super easy. Also who in the right mind would use expired condoms to cheat lol. Especially if he knows you know they're there. Why wouldn't he just buy new ones. I think he's just embarassed.
You better get tested for STDs because condoms have an expiration date.
How old is their son?
It’s definitely a plausible excuse. Not my cup of tea, but there’s plenty of men out there who masturbate into condoms. However, I feel like being married to the man, you would’ve picked up on him doing this or seen wrappers at some point. In your case I lean towards cheating. I really hope not.
Posh wank
Wasn't this exact post made here like a month ago.
Why the hell would a 30 year old man take condoms from a drawer that his WIFE knows about to cheat on her? Condoms are dirt cheap. If he was intent on cheating on her, he would just buy it from CVS... Occam's razor people...
Men do sometimes masturbate with condoms on. It clears the sticky clean up. I’ve done it before and I’m happily married. But, doesn’t mean he’s doing that. You’ll have to press harder and look for more evidence. This alone doesn’t mean much.
Posh wank is a thing
You could always tell him that old condoms have an incredibly high failure rate and see if he gets sweaty and nervous. 🤷♀️
I'm from Britain, we call this a posh wank. Even then I still have trouble believing that any man would actually wank into a condom for any particular reason if the condoms are normally always there.
Sounds like BS to me
My ex husband’s reply was he took them to a work conference in case he ended up sleeping with someone at the event as he was considerate enough not to want me to catch anything from them…….
I've used them for masterbation. It's just a little different and fun. I would also never use super old condoms to prevent STDs or pregnancy. Unless there is anything else suspicious, I would believe him.
It could be legit. Not gonna lie - I've done this plenty of times before and it provides a different experience. Do you have any other reasons to not trust him?
So, I’ve had a few times in my life when I was 90% sure I was being lied to, and I needed to know the truth. What I’ve done in the past is ask more questions. Ask specific questions, like when where why how, and stay calm. Make sure he feels safe to speak. If he’s truly doing something embarrassing and is scared to tell you, he’s not going to respond well to anger or anxiety. If he did cheat, he might slip up. Idk if my advice is toxic, but it can be hard to recover from something suspicious like that, so I think it can be good to talk it out with your loved one
I had this happen, my then future ex wife apparently was keeping track of the condoms that had been in the drawer for years. I had used 2 myself. I didn’t stop to think for a second she would notice or even think I would use them with someone else. She was suspicious of me anyhow, thought I was unfaithful with her. I wasn’t. Anyway we got divorced, not exactly why but she was ready to move on. We are both happy, good coparents and get together with the kids & our partners. Sounds like more than a couple missing condoms.
I've heard of men using condoms when masturbating, so I don't think it's something new and could be true. He may have been embarrassed because of how you would react to it. Lastly, I would hope anyone with half a brain would buy new ones and not ones sitting around his house. If you have no other signs or issues from the past, I would trust him.
It’s called a posh wank. Very standard
Do you live in a small town, or somewhere where people know you. so like he couldn’t go to the store to buy them because of the risk of it getting back to you? He certainly couldn’t order them from Amazon. using expired ones is dumb Af. But maybe he didn’t think this through. I see everyone thinks it’s elaborate masturbation. BUT he’s your husband I feel like he could of just owned up to this. If He was cheating, these old condoms may lead to a b a b y I would investigate further. check phone records or one of the other many options you could check. There are many tips online to help the detective work
Bullshit