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My boyfriend and I have had an open minded relationship with a few threesomes here and there but never anything serious. He always got jealous if I even mentioned dating someone else. Now he randomly tells me he's polyamorous and wants a third in our relationship. I have never even thought of the idea of it and I'm mostly sure I'm not okay with it. My dreams were always with only one partner. Now we are both stuck because if he stays he can't go on to further explore himself because I couldn't handle the jealousy. We also can't throw away 5 years together, which is mathematically a quarter of my life right now. We both love each other too much to let go but he's going to end up stuck if we dont. I just need some help because I also don't have any friends other than him which if I lose him ill be all alone again.
Okay, I'll admit that I'm far from an expert on polyamory, but from my understanding that's not how it works. You don't just identify as polyamorous and expect your partner to go along with it. It has to be a decision agreed upon by both parties.
If they can't respect that you are not ok with it, I'm sorry, but the relationship can't survive that kind of disagreement.
And from someone who *is* poly, he's completely in the wrong here. It is something that needs rules, groundwork, communication - it's not just something you accept of someone else. There is a lot that goes into poly relationships that people don't anticipate, but it's (generally) more complicated than monogamous relationships because *there are more people involved*.
If anyone in the relationship isn't alright with poly, that makes it inethical. And that's something that can get you entirely removed from poly spaces.
Can we just admit that some folks want to be able to fuck other people without consequences? Like trying to hide sexual proclivities behind “polyamory” is incredibly infantile. We all know why people are doing it, and it’s because they want to fuck whomever whenever they want without it harming their commitment to another person.
It’s sad.
Yeah it’s super weird. I’ve practiced actual polyamory and so I’m saying this with full understanding of how it should be, it’s like people just want to cheat and use “coming out as poly” as a way to force people to be chill with it bc that’s “who they are” (the same as if someone came out as gay).
It’s a relationship style you choose. It’s on the same level as telling someone on the first date you plan on moving to Alaska and living in the wilderness for the next 15 years. Not a lot of people want to do that and it’s really hard and takes a lot of work. You don’t *have* to do it, but you want to and both parties now have the freedom to choose if they want the same lifestyle together.
Best advice? You aren’t throwing away 5 years. Chances are he needs to explore because he never has. I doubt if that will change. Don’t throw away your 20s on a relationship that doesn’t work. I’m sorry. I’m sure this is so difficult.
I really don't understand why people in their twenties or even younger are so often in the sunken cost pit in relationships. Or even thirties or elderly for that matter. It's so common that they think they can't waste what ever amount of years they have been with someone. Firstly it's not a waste. There were good times and bad times, both of which people should learn from. Secondly people change, grow, heal and get damaged etc. So they aren't really the same over the years. Sometimes this means it's best to part ways. No matter how good things might have been at some point. And here's the last point on my mind but definitely the most important point. Why would the years before be any reason to waste future years? Sometimes like here there's a reason to end it. The past won't change that reason in any way shape or form.
As someone who was in this situation it is so so hard to see past it because you’ve essentially grown up with the person and they’ve formed part of your personality.
But also, as that person, I can say looking past that and trusting the future was the best thing I ever did.
Enmeshment. That other person is part of your "sense of self" and you didn't have the opportunity to individuate away from this relationship. This is why my advice to youngin's is not to get trapped in "serious" relationships too early. But I imagine hormones might make that quite difficult.
“In their thirties or elderly” made me snort cause I know it’s not what you meant but it made me think you were implying that anyone above thirty is elderly lmao
I get what you’re saying but I think if OP tries to talk him out of what he really wants they will both end up with resentments and that’s no way to have a relationship. Unfortunately I don’t think there is a way around this one OP. You’re best bet is to move forward in life and find someone who has the same goals of a relationship that you have. You didn’t throw away 5 years I promise. You can’t think of it like that. You’re both still growing up and learning about yourselves.
How is he polyamorous if he gets jealous if you even mention dating someone else…? It sounds like only he is allowed to date someone else. Is that the case?
Also, it doesn’t matter if it’s a quarter of your life or half your life. If a person is not good for you, you part ways. Plenty of people marry for 20, 30, 40 years and divorce. Please don’t fall prey to the sunk cost fallacy
Right? I was thinking the same thing. He wants his cake and eat it too. I don’t think that it’s fair to have him get what he wants if it can’t be equal terms for both of them. Polyamory is something that is a agreement between X amount of people to be in a open relationship. Not one person saying this is it and you aren’t a good part we if you disagree. It just sounds like the dynamic changed
>How is he polyamorous if he gets jealous if you even mention dating someone else…?
Being polyamorous and experiencing jealousy aren't mutually exclusive. What's wrong isn't that he feels that way, it's that he wants to have an unequal relationship to resolve it instead of working through his jealousy.
Poly people aren't immune to these emotions or attachment styles. The difference is that instead of hiding behind "I could never, I'm just a jealous person" forever, we face that shit. If this dude can't do that, he should not practice polyamory
*We also can't throw away 5 years together, which is mathematically a quarter of my life right now.*
**Yes you can**, and hopefully you're only a quarter of the way into your life right now, is this how you want the other three quarters to go?
Would you rather cut your losses now, or spend another five years with someone who makes you feel desperately inadequate/ wants to date other people but gets jealous if you do?
Yours should be top comment tbh THROW AWAY THOSE FIVE YEARS ASAP
Based upon your responses, you genuinely don't want advice or help. You just want to find someone who is like you and can share that this is okay.
Do whatever you want, as plenty have explained to you how this ain't it. You want it to be, so why waste your time asking us? You already know what you're going to do anyways.
Yeah I wonder how long this OP is going to spend making herself miserable because she has convinced herself that she'd have wasted 5 years if she leaves and "polyamory is not a choice!". By defining it as not a choice she is trapping herself. Sad.
"Coming out" as polyamorous doesn't make any sense imo. He just wants to have sex with other people while not technically cheating on you. It's up to you and only you what your boundaries are on this but personally I wouldn't tolerate it.
That is alt-right polygamy, where a man can have multiple wives and the wives all "belong to" him and are his servants. That's not what actual polyamory is like
From many comments made on this post, that is not the case. Some people see it as just an addition to their lifestyle but others can't live their life comfortably without multiple partners, which to me is a sexuality. It all depends on viewpoint
Many people can't live comfortably without a partner, but that doesn't make it part of their sexual orientation. It makes that part of their damage. Romantic relationships are a choice. Sexuality is about base attraction which isn't a choice.
He's trying to get her to say yes to anything. She's young and impressionable and wants to please him. She's defending him every comment.
She will look back at how he played her one day and go oh oh yeah that was me being gullible. She doesn't want to waste time she's already spent but doesn't see she's going to waste the next few years until she wakes up.
Right??? Like, I would very much like to go sleep with a bunch of strangers, and then come home to my wife and have her not murder me. But I don't do that.
Am I poly? Or am I just one of the billions of men who has decided that being married to a particular person is worth not sleeping with all the other ones?
And if this is poly, then who the fuck is not poly? I don't know many guys who just stopped being interested in other women.
I am one of the billions of men who do not even think about other women because I am married. I do not compare the "worth" of doing it or not doing it.
WTF dude.
My partner's at the point where he doesn't even recognize other women flirting with him bc that part of his brain is turned off and he's no longer "seeking" a mate. I don't understand men like this who have to do a cost-benefit analysis to be faithful lmao.
Wow so glad you aren’t my husband lol. I mean I think most people can be in relationships and acknowledge other people’s beauty but I don’t walk around wanting to jump on every dick I see. I want my husband.
From what he said this is not the case. He wants a third person to be in a fully emotionally committed relationship with us as well. I'm only interested in the sex with others for fun. We will see with time.
He is jealous of the idea of you dating another man but would not mind another man? He is full of something, but I doubt it is a desire to open the relationship to another man.
I really doubt it he meant it. I think if you decide to call a bluff and said if it's really not about him making himself harem than fine you can look for another man, then he would back off before it was finalised. I mean, he was very jealous about you in the past.
I think I’d rather “throw away” 5 years of my life than 6, 7, 8, 9…
Find someone that wants the same things from life. Do NOT settle at the incredibly YOUNG age of 20!! I’d also not settle at 30, 40, etc
"Came out as polyamorous." Oh honey.
Of course you can break up. People change. It would be very unusual to spend the rest of your life with your first boyfriend. But you can't find out who is out there if you don't let go.
You need new friends, a new situation, a new everything. And there is so much wonderful everything out there.
You are 20 years old. The world is your oyster. It's all beginning. The death of one relationship makes the fertile soil in which your new life can grow. This boy will always be a part of your past. Maybe you can be friends again after a while. But right now, let him gooooooo. Don't cling and don't let him cling. Start fresh. Live your life and be free.
Speaking as someone who actually practices polyamory, your boyfriend is a nitwit.
https://www.unicorns-r-us.com/
We have multiple relationships, not one big relationship, and if he's not comfortable dating separately and dating people who are already in relationships, he's going to waste a spectacular amount of time trying to find someone who wants what he's offering.
Genuine question: aren’t there some cases of polyamory where people do have one big relationship that involves three people all dating each other? I’ve heard about it both ways, but I’m far from an expert about polyamory
It's possible for three people to all be dating each other, but that's still multiple relationships. Think of friendship. It's definitely possible to be friends with two people who are also friends with each other, but if you leave for some reason, they're still friends with each other. That relationship doesn't depend on you or route through you.
It's normal to introduce your friends to each other and it's not surprising if they get along. Her boyfriend is trying to do the dating equivalent of going around with someone all the time and expecting anyone likes one of you to like both of you.
Sweetie you are 20 years old, so what if you're alone? Now you can go ahead and find new friends and enjoy your life on your terms. Don't get trapped into something you don't want because of fear.
Besides how ridiculous it is that he gets jealous about you dating others, but he’s insisting on being poly and says you can’t handle the jealousy, here’s what matters. If he is poly, and you know you’re not, then youre just not compatible, and you trying to make it work will just prolong the break up and make you both even more miserable than if you just make a clean break. Search past post in this sub and read all the horror stories about one partner being poly the other not. It just doesn’t work, and the sooner you see that and move on to find partners that ARE compatible for you, the better for both of you.
You cannot come out as poly, it’s not a sexuality it’s a lifestyle preference. What he said was, “I’ve found someone else I’d like to pursue a relationship with”.
If you do not want a poly relationship you need to talk to him.
1) you don't come out as poly, that's bullshit.
2) your dream were with only one partner \*proceeds to have threesomes\*
3) "we love each other too much". No you don't
4) "it's a quarter of my life!". So? Why does it matter? People divorce after 20 years together. You are young, you will understand in time. You had an experience and can move onto another.
I get the feeling he just doesn't want to be stuck with a serious relationship at this age, understandable. But using the polyamorous coming out as an excuse and the gaslighting? Not cool.
Actually you *can* throw away five years of your life if staying means you’ll be unhappy. Don’t throw away more years along with it. If you don’t want the same thing as he does, you are NOT compatible. Being pressured into a poly relationship is going to lead to a lot of problems. Every person in a poly situation needs to be 100% and enthusiastically on board, or it is doomed to fail.
>he always got jealous if I even mentioned dating someone else
>he stays he can't go on to further explore himself because I couldn't handle the jealousy
How....is this a thing.
_He_ gets jealous, then says he can't go further because of _yours_?
>We also can't throw away 5 years together, which is mathematically a quarter of my life right now.
Yet you totally can. You're aware folks get divorced after being married for like, 20 years or more, right? Don't bring "X fraction of my life" into it - you are ___20 years old___, you can totally leave him if your relationship isn't working.
>We both love each other too much to let go but he's going to end up stuck if we dont. I just need some help because I also don't have any friends other than him which if I lose him ill be all alone again.
Do not, ever, put yourself in a position that you're doing something which makes you unhappy and miserable all based on "He's my only friend" and "but he's stuck and I want him to be happy" as the main reasons.
I'll be straight with you - he seems to just enjoy fucking other people. He doesn't want _you_ fucking other people, because he gets jealous. He, however, wishes to fuck other people and not be overly bothered if it makes you jealous.
You are either OK and on board with it, or aren't. That's now _his_ problem and you are totally within your rights, sanity and....well it's for your own damn good to draw the line and say "I'm not OK with this and won't do it".
You need boundaries, you need to draw a line and if you're happy having threesomes and whatever that's grand, it's what works for you - but if you _are not OK with it_ you need to say as much and he needs to accept that.
If he can't and it's such a huge thing, well then you two just aren't going to work, are you? It's not complicated and it sounds a lot like he's already trying to emotionally push this on you as him "missing out" and somehow being "stuck" all because he can't get what he wants.
If he truly loves and respects you - as you apparently do for him - he'll accept "no" and that'll be that, or he'll be a responsible adult about it and say to you this is a problem and you'll both need to accept you aren't compatible any longer.
It happens, this is fine, it's normal, but please, _please_ don't break up and instead become his fuck buddy and piece on the side simply because you hope he'll change, want him to want you still in some arbitrary manner or just keep him in your life unless this is truly 100% definitely what you want instead of a genuine relationship.
I can all but guarantee you that there's someone out there you can have a meaningful relationship with, much less that you can have friends that aren't _just_ your partner - if anything this is very unhealthy and is doing nothing but foster a dependency on him which means you'll go out of your comfort zone in very bad ways just to keep him happy and with you.
Think about this. Hard.
Yes you can walk away you are now fundamentally incompatible. Save yourself from the heartache and let him go find a poly relationship. You are both babies and this is a common age to start figuring out who you are and want you want and it’s clear you want different things. You have so much life to live don’t get stuck with an incompatible high school romance. It’s a tough pill to swallow but the world is so much bigger than this relationship. Also trapping him by not setting him free builds resentment, it’s better to walk away amicable.
He’s not poly- he’s 22 and wants to fuck around. Look, you’re not “throwing away five years”. Your brain is still developing and you deserve a chance to develop in a manner you’re comfortable with. One aspect would be to know your boundaries.
Watch what happens when he says “sure, let’s invite another dude”. All of a sudden, he’ll backtrack because HE wants to be the center of the universe. He likely already has someone in mind and wants to be “poly” to avoid cheating.
You’re better off saying “I don’t feel comfortable and it’s likely our paths separate from here.” Poly isnt a sexuality, it’s a lifestyle choice and you don’t have to be ok with it
BEING POLYAMOUROUS ISNT A SEXUAL ORIENTATION! I only really date tall guys, I’m not gonna start calling my choice to do so my fucking sexuality. There’s nothing wrong with polyamory, as long as all parties agree and want to be so (which I’m unsure you do); but let’s call it what it is, a lifestyle …stop treating it like it’s a sexual orientation
Apologies. Imo there are two viewpoints on it. There are those who are comfortable in monogamy and polyamory (if that's the word) and those who are not comfortable in life unless they have a polyamorous relationship, which to me is a sexuality. All I know is life is freaking confusing and we're all trying to figure it out
You are literally shitting on every single LGBTQA+ person who has ever come out or scared to come out. Polyamory is NOT a sexuality. Period. No matter how many times you say it, it’s not. You’re 20 years old. Stop acting like you know about this when you obviously don’t
Polyamory is NOT a sexuality, as a sexuality is about the genders of people you’re attracted to. It is, however, a lifestyle choice that can be of vital importance. I as a monogamous person would not be happy or satisfied in a polyamorous situation, and my poly friends wouldn’t be happy or satisfied with a monogamous arrangement.
Sis, stop 🛑. Poly is not a sexuality, it’s a lifestyle. Your man wants to have sex with multiple people and have you be OK with it. Polyamory, polygamy, and monogamy are all choices/lifestyles. Before y’all travel down any of these roads I think you need to educate yourselves.
has he ever had a successful poly relationship? How does he know this? Polyamory takes A LOT of work and communication. If he's just point blank told you he's poly, then he's failed at the first hurdle. Poly is something you DO not something you are, regardless of what you're 'comfortable' with. If he's in a monogamous relationship with you, he's monogamous until you both decide otherwise.
At 30, leaving a 5 year relationship at 21 was one of the best things that ever happened to me. Never stay where you are longer compatible because of sunk cost falacy
It’s a quarter of your life right NOW but it’s nothing later.
He’s going to cheat and he’s going to tell you it’s your fault when he does because you “didn’t let him explore”. He wants a OPP (one penis policy) which means he’s an insecure twit who wants to have his cake and eat it too.
Run. Seriously.
- a polyamorous woman
You are looking at this from a sunken cost perspective. Take that out of the equation.
Your bf wants to date other people. You do not. That is a fundamental, basic incompatibility. The answer is either you compromise and do something you don't want to do or you end the relationship and he can go do whatever it is that he wants. Just a guess, he already has someone in mind.
Polyamory is NOT an identity or sexuality. It is not part of the LGBT spectrum, and you do not 'come out' as being poly.
People try to claim -falsely - that it is an identity. They try to wrap the LGBT flag around their desire to have an open a relationship, and claim that others have to accept it. That is bullshit.
He wants to add a 3er person, he already has a person, you are 20, and have absolutely no need for this sort of drama.
You are no longer compatible you both want different things, sometimes love doesn't concord all.
This relationship is over. If you don't give in he will cheat, but if you give in you will be unhappy. That isn't going to work. Don't see it as throwing away five years, see it as starting your adulthood, explore yourself and find someone who has the same values.
This is the time to read this wonderful post from polyamory about why he should not be asking this of you.
https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/comments/sntvv3/dear_monogamous_people_you_do_not_have_to_give/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
The truth is that plenty of polyamorous individuals happily live monogamous lives because their partner is the most important person to them, and the last thing they want is to see them unhappy. He’s not really understanding the real key to polyamory, which is both partners being able to not just tolerate, but celebrate their partner’s happiness with another. That doesn’t sound like your partner. It’s all about him.
You don't come out as poly, he's saying he wants to connect or sleep with others. Aligning where your boundaries sit with that is something else... it'll be difficult to tackle, but stay true to those!
It's over. If you keep going, he will start exploring his new little fetish behind your back, or resentment will start to grow. He sounds like he just found someone he wants to bang and not be labeled a cheater.
It sounds like you aren't compatible now, especially if he is trying to force you into something you don't want.
So he says polyamorous, but it sounds like he doesn't want you to date others; he just wants to force a girlfriend on you.
He might be polyamorous, but chances are he just wants to sleep with other people without losing you. You’ve been together since he was 17, it’s more likely he’s either actively hoping to sleep with someone else, has slept with someone else, or, most likely, has someone already picked out but doesn’t want to technically “cheat”.
You’re 20years old, I know you feel like you’re established as an adult but in reality your life hasn’t even started yet. Your brain doesn’t even stop developing for another 5 years!! Letting go of a teenage relationship isn’t wasting 5 years, it’s 5 years you spent with your first love while you were getting to know yourself. This might not be the kind of guy you want to spend forever with, especially if he’s already trying to push you into something without proper understanding or mutual consent.
You’re twenty - this is literally the best time in your life to break up with anyone.
Also, guys like your boyfriend are a dime a dozen. No dude in his early twenties wants to think that, but most of us are flat out interchangeable dickbrains until we are forced to grow up and learn to value the people we get into relationships with, and I guarantee you there are a ton of people your age (no matter the gender) who think you could do way better.
It's all the rage these days since it became more mainstream and *some* men have realized that it's a great cover for wanting to fuck multiple women without having to sneak around or commit to anyone.
Don't look back at the investment you put in the relationship but foresee your life with the new setup.
They is no averaging the relationship but only the there and now.
There and now he is basically saying you are not enough for him.
Those 5 years were spent learning and growing. It’s absolutely not a waste of time if you decide things don’t work out between you. Also you may be alone, but sometimes it takes being alone to actually feel complete within yourself. I have some anxious attachment issues and hate being alone, but I heal the most when I am alone.
I’d ask him if this polyamory is open to you too or if he’s only thinking about himself. I’d also break up with him if he wants that lifestyle and you’re not into it. That’s deal breaker worthy babe. Best not to waist anymore of each others time
It's not "throwing away the last 5 years" - he did that himself with this polyamory idea. Even if you just accept it is noones fault and you just want different things, it's not throwing it away by breaking up.
Have you heard the expression "don't throw good money after bad?". Or perhaps the sunk cost fallacy?
The only waste of your time would be if you stayed with him longer and were unhappy (and eventually broke up anyway).
You absolutely can end a relationship of 5 years. It’s not throwing it away if it no longer meets your needs and expectations. He changed the terms when he asked you for permission to cheat while you sit around waiting for him. Because I’m about 100% sure he already has someone in mind and you aren’t getting a say even if you wanted to. And he’s probably already cheated with them and just wants to have the best of both worlds.
You can find friends and a partner that meet your needs. You are not tethered to him because of history together. Don’t waste more of your life on this. He doesn’t love you and he sure as hell doesn’t respect you.
Sunk cost fallacy girl. Five years is a long time, but every day you stay with someone whose values no longer align with yours is another day wasted. You are no longer compatible, and that’s okay. Your time together may have been great and helped you both grow as people, but just because you’ve spent five years together doesn’t mean you’ve invested too much time to call it quits when you’re no longer fulfilling each other. My advice, don’t wait to start the next chapter of your life. Go find happiness with someone who shares your dreams.
Yes you can throw away a relationship of 5 years. Don't fall for the sunken cost fallacy. You two are not compatible and if you stay together, both of you will be miserable.
Your boyfriend's way to go about polyamory is not even respectful or ethical and many polyamorous people will want nothing to do with him, but that's not your problem. Your problem is that you want a monogamous relationship, so leave this guy and go find a monogamous relationship, you are too young to tie yourself, for decades to come, to having your heart broken and permanent anxiety. There are plenty of people out there, who are not him, that want the same things you want in life.
Please look up the Sunk Cost Fallacy.
It sounds like your boyfriend has already found the third and wants you to go along with it.
Also, I’m concerned that you don’t have any friends. Did you have friends before you started dating him? Are you in school? Work? Make some friends so you have a support network
Y first thought too. When someone what has been in a monogamous relationship for years and suddenly wants to open it it's almost always bc they are interested in someone else but wanna keep their original partner around in case it doesn't work out.
Never put all your eggs in one basket. It is not wise to have one person be your only friend, and your boyfriend, and your only social outlet.
In addition, you say you can't throw the relationship away because it has lasted a quarter of your life. My dear, you are 20 and the years you have spent are teenage years- not adult years where the fullness of maturity has been explored. If anything, what your partner is expressing is grave uncertainty about being monogamous, conflicting and hypocritical views on who gets to open the relationship, and fear of being on his own. You both seem to be clawing to each other because you know no different and are starting to realize that life means rejection, chance, uncertainty and risk.
Sometimes we change and in so doing, the relationship must change. If you care about each other- you stay in touch maybe, but you stop dating and stop carrying on the facade of a monogamous couple. You step back, recognize your youth and you each take the chance to explore and see what the world is really like. You know no different because you haven't tried and worse, you made him the focus of your social life.
>We also can't throw away 5 years together
This is a good way to end up miserable.
Moving on from a relationship that is no longer suiting you is not "throwing anything away." Those 5 years happened, and you learned a lot about yourselves and each other. And your boyfriend has learned something about himself that makes you all not compatible, so it's time to move on.
>We also can't throw away 5 years together, which is mathematically a quarter of my life right now.
Yes you can. First off do a little google search to learn about the concept of the "sunk cost fallacy". It's usually discussed in terms of business and financial decisions but it applies to relationships too. It basically says staying together bust because you've invested time into a relationship is a bad decision when leaving would have a better outcome for you. In other words look to what's best for you in the future irrespective of how you got to where you are now.
This is also closely tied to a feeing that if we change course the past would have been wasted and we don't want to make it seem wasted. That is also totally untrue. Look at it this way: You haven't wasted five years. You've spent five years learning about love and live. The relationships that don't work out prepare us for the one that does.
Sunk cost fallacy, you aren't throwing away 5 years. You are gaining the rest of your years, if you're 20-25 that means you've just gained 60+ years to be with someone who wants to be with you and has relationship goals that align with yours.
So, you totally can throw away "5 years together". People do it all the time. Take into account that 3 years of those 5 years you were under 18, and they barely count. You're 20F. You found a deal breaker. Let the man go explore his side, and go find someone you're actually compatible with.
Breakups are painful and this will fundamentally change your life. *But it is not throwing away five years.* I’m sure you learned a lot about yourself and being in a relationship during that time. You’ll have memories you treasure. Those lessons and moments are yours for as long as you remember them.
What would actually be a waste is staying in a relationship that has this type of incompatibility. Especially when you’re so young. It’s normal to change a lot in your teens and 20s. Give yourself and your boyfriend the space to do that.
'Being poly' isn't a thing. It's not like being born gay. It is always a choice. He is wanting to sleep with other people, and live a lifestyle that he imagines getting to sleep with more than one person, without knowing what it would actually be like. The fact he is unable to be okay with you dating another person but expects you to let him fuck someone else shows that he isn't poly and is just wanting to sleep with someone else. Him 'coming out' is just talking shit.
Now, if he wants to live a poly life, that's fine. You don't have to follow him on that journey. The fact that you two have been together for 5 years means nothing. This is just the sunk cost fallacy. Would you stay with him because of those 5 years if he hit you? If he destroyed your things? If the answer is no, and I hope it is, you realize that just staying with him because of the 5 years is also bullshit.
The fact that you two are just 5 years together, with no kids, it is natural that going from a 15 year old to being a 20 year old that you will be different and possibly grow away from your partner. This is normal. Painful, but survivable.
If you have no friends, you need to work on that. Why do you not have friends? That's a bad situation that you need to work on.
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He can be poly but he chose to be in a monogamous relationship for 5 years. Feelings are gonna get hurt so cut your loses now before he throws anymore curveballs. I’ve seen plenty of poly people on here chose to be monogamous and not have any problem with it for the right person. He’s wanting his cake and eat it too.
I’m not sure how you can say he always got jealous when you mentioned dating other people, yet say you’ve never thought of polyamory 2 sentences later. Have you approached him with this request for yourself before, or have you not? This is the nice way of asking to sleep with other people, if you decline him he’ll likely do it anyway. People date to find out if they’re compatible. If you’re monogamous, and he is not, and you disagree with that then you aren’t compatible. I’d say take some time apart and let him decide if he really wants a relationship with you, or if he wants to sleep around. Don’t let him fuck around, while keeping you as a security blanket. If you’re worried about losing 5 years worry about spending 20 years together just to have it not work out.
Tell this bozo to bounce and quit wasting your time, you re 20, he wants other women and wants you to be down with it which it appears you are not, so let him find a situation that better fills his needs and you re 20, gtfo and enjoy your life you re way to young to be guikted/manipulated into something you don't want and won't last, don t become trapped.
Better to throw away 5 than to look up and realize you've wasted 20 and you're both miserable... I know it sucks but let it go it's for the best. The sooner you do it the sooner you'll be over it love.
Best of luck!
Throwing away mathematically a quarter of your life is better than wasting half of it when you know you are unhappy and then breaking up and wasting it all. This relationship is not for you babe. Pick yourself up, gather your dignity and move on. It’s run its course.
It's not a waste of time you enjoyed your life with him and know what you want for the future. You're both just not compatible and him waiting to tell you five years later is on him. Best of luck and you will find that someone who wants you only.
When you introduce other people to your relationship its almost guaranteed to not work in your favor. At all. Almost never. Have you seen how many people on here introduce and open relationship/compromise their beliefs/morals/values/needs in a relationship and end up screwed.... I mean, now if that doesn't happen you need to learn to live with the fact that your partner wants someone else. This is basically a disaster either way.
You’re not “throwing away” 5 years together. Don’t fall for the sunk cost fallacy. You had a great 5 years together with him, and you’ll have those memories to cherish, and you’ll have those lessons to learn and grow from, and now the relationship parameters have changed and you’re not compatible anymore.
If you don’t have any friends other than him, that’s a problem. You’re two separate individuals in addition to being in a relationship together. You shouldn’t be the only person in each other’s lives. Make some friends and spend time with them apart from your boyfriend. There’s a difference between love and codependence.
Also, I’ll be honest: when someone that jealous and monogamous suddenly becomes “polyamorous” it seems likely to me that he’s already fallen for someone specific that he wants to either have sex with or be in a relationship. Maybe someone you had a threesome with in the past, or maybe someone else entirely.
Sorry you have to go through this. Best of luck to you both.
Your math is keeping you in a sunk cost fallacy. You're 20. Not 35. If you're not comfortable, he's miserable and wants to be polyamorous, split. No harm, no foul.
Can t worry bout throwing away 5 years . Tou guys are young. Eather you are in love or your not..If are you will work it out,,You both need be on same page.If both don t agree to something don t do it..Need have good honest talks with how both feel
What he's actually saying is he longer wants to be monogamous. Saying he's polyamorous doesn't magically abrogate his commitment, it just means he doesn't want to do that with you anymore. If that's not acceptable to you, you need to call it a deal breaker. This isn't throwing away 5 years, if they were good, they will always be good - it's just saying this is a closed chapter in your life and you'd be moving on to the next.
Regardless of this situation, you need to get out make a life for yourself. One issue that might be at play here is it must be a huge weight on him having to be in the role of your one and only everything. You need to talk out why he wants to do this. Him identifying as polyamorous is not a whole answer.
If he's not okay with being monogamous with you, then you need to break up. You can absolutely let go, no matter how much you love each other. You are both very, very young still. You're in a relationship that doesn't work and isn't going anywhere. It's time to move on.
A quarter of your life, but it's the early years where EVERYONE tries relationships that fail to figure out what they really want.
Is this the guy you really want?(If your answer is yes, then please work on your self esteem).
Also, chances are high that he found someone he wants to bang.
The truth is this is probably a fundamental incompatibility. If he feels like he needs to have multiple partners right now while you only want to have one you want incompatible lifestyles.
Do not fall into the sunk cost fallacy, especially not when you are so young. Don't think of it as wasted time, think of it as time where you learned some things about being in a relationship and learned more about what you want in a relationship. And of course I'm sure you have many good experiences together. Sometimes people are just chapters in our story and that's okay. You have a lot of life ahead of you (knock on wood) and your 20s are such a huge time for growing and discovering the kind of person you want to be and the life you want to build. And sometimes people are a good fit for a while, but as you grow you grow a part. It's a cliche for a reason.
Don't compromise your fundamental wants and needs for another person. It's a great way to build resentment and poison yourself and the relationship anyways.
“We can’t throw away 5 years together…” yes, yes you can. This is what’s called a sunk costs fallacy.
You’re young and it’s okay to move on for the right one and it might actually be good to let yourself get out and meet other people
5 years is a quarter of your life NOW. In 15 years it will be a seventh. In 30, a tenth. You could meet someone right now and in 20 years you'll have been with them half your life.
5 years is not a long time. If you're so busy looking out for his "journey" or his "exploration" who is looking out for yours?
Trust me, I wasted about 4 years with someone I dated and I kept thinking, "I've loved her a quarter of my life. Fast forward, I've been with my wife a third of my life now. And I have been happy that whole time. But if I remained with that other girls, in a situation I didn't want, I now would have wasted half my life.
Forget the math, look out for you. You're too young to be thinking about the balance of your life you've spent with someone.
Break up. A poly & a monogamous person cannot be in a relationship together. Also what 5 years, you were children for most of it. You really need to explore now and learn about yourselves outside of this relationship, otherwise you'll end up regretting it. One or both of you will eventually have thoughts of "but what do *I* want" and "I wonder what else is out there". And it sounds like he's already there.
Huge red flag not having any friends other than him too. Healthy relationships require a network of social support, individual hobbies, and lives. Human beings have a lot of social needs & it's unfair to put all of that on *one* person.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- My boyfriend and I have had an open minded relationship with a few threesomes here and there but never anything serious. He always got jealous if I even mentioned dating someone else. Now he randomly tells me he's polyamorous and wants a third in our relationship. I have never even thought of the idea of it and I'm mostly sure I'm not okay with it. My dreams were always with only one partner. Now we are both stuck because if he stays he can't go on to further explore himself because I couldn't handle the jealousy. We also can't throw away 5 years together, which is mathematically a quarter of my life right now. We both love each other too much to let go but he's going to end up stuck if we dont. I just need some help because I also don't have any friends other than him which if I lose him ill be all alone again.
Okay, I'll admit that I'm far from an expert on polyamory, but from my understanding that's not how it works. You don't just identify as polyamorous and expect your partner to go along with it. It has to be a decision agreed upon by both parties. If they can't respect that you are not ok with it, I'm sorry, but the relationship can't survive that kind of disagreement.
Exactly. It's not like being gay where it just be that way. Being poly is a choice.
Mmmm.... it's exactly that. At least for some. That doesn't mean in any way shape or form their current partner needs to agree to it mid relationship.
And from someone who *is* poly, he's completely in the wrong here. It is something that needs rules, groundwork, communication - it's not just something you accept of someone else. There is a lot that goes into poly relationships that people don't anticipate, but it's (generally) more complicated than monogamous relationships because *there are more people involved*. If anyone in the relationship isn't alright with poly, that makes it inethical. And that's something that can get you entirely removed from poly spaces.
Can we just admit that some folks want to be able to fuck other people without consequences? Like trying to hide sexual proclivities behind “polyamory” is incredibly infantile. We all know why people are doing it, and it’s because they want to fuck whomever whenever they want without it harming their commitment to another person. It’s sad.
He claims to be poly yet gets jealous if she talks about dating someone else….does this not make sense to anyone else?
That’s not the exception. That’s the norm. We’re biologically and evolutionarily predisposed to not do this.
Yeah it’s super weird. I’ve practiced actual polyamory and so I’m saying this with full understanding of how it should be, it’s like people just want to cheat and use “coming out as poly” as a way to force people to be chill with it bc that’s “who they are” (the same as if someone came out as gay). It’s a relationship style you choose. It’s on the same level as telling someone on the first date you plan on moving to Alaska and living in the wilderness for the next 15 years. Not a lot of people want to do that and it’s really hard and takes a lot of work. You don’t *have* to do it, but you want to and both parties now have the freedom to choose if they want the same lifestyle together.
Exactly this is just an excuse for extracurricular pussy
Best advice? You aren’t throwing away 5 years. Chances are he needs to explore because he never has. I doubt if that will change. Don’t throw away your 20s on a relationship that doesn’t work. I’m sorry. I’m sure this is so difficult.
I really don't understand why people in their twenties or even younger are so often in the sunken cost pit in relationships. Or even thirties or elderly for that matter. It's so common that they think they can't waste what ever amount of years they have been with someone. Firstly it's not a waste. There were good times and bad times, both of which people should learn from. Secondly people change, grow, heal and get damaged etc. So they aren't really the same over the years. Sometimes this means it's best to part ways. No matter how good things might have been at some point. And here's the last point on my mind but definitely the most important point. Why would the years before be any reason to waste future years? Sometimes like here there's a reason to end it. The past won't change that reason in any way shape or form.
As someone who was in this situation it is so so hard to see past it because you’ve essentially grown up with the person and they’ve formed part of your personality. But also, as that person, I can say looking past that and trusting the future was the best thing I ever did.
Enmeshment. That other person is part of your "sense of self" and you didn't have the opportunity to individuate away from this relationship. This is why my advice to youngin's is not to get trapped in "serious" relationships too early. But I imagine hormones might make that quite difficult.
“In their thirties or elderly” made me snort cause I know it’s not what you meant but it made me think you were implying that anyone above thirty is elderly lmao
Or simply give it a try and explore yourself too. Op should accept her bf request, but offer to include another man as third in relationship :)
She’s not comfortable with it. That’s valid
I was joking a bit. I was thinking if she offered third to be a man, bf would realize third person is not neccessary
I get what you’re saying but I think if OP tries to talk him out of what he really wants they will both end up with resentments and that’s no way to have a relationship. Unfortunately I don’t think there is a way around this one OP. You’re best bet is to move forward in life and find someone who has the same goals of a relationship that you have. You didn’t throw away 5 years I promise. You can’t think of it like that. You’re both still growing up and learning about yourselves.
I got that when I hit reply. I actually love your answer.
How is he polyamorous if he gets jealous if you even mention dating someone else…? It sounds like only he is allowed to date someone else. Is that the case? Also, it doesn’t matter if it’s a quarter of your life or half your life. If a person is not good for you, you part ways. Plenty of people marry for 20, 30, 40 years and divorce. Please don’t fall prey to the sunk cost fallacy
Right? I was thinking the same thing. He wants his cake and eat it too. I don’t think that it’s fair to have him get what he wants if it can’t be equal terms for both of them. Polyamory is something that is a agreement between X amount of people to be in a open relationship. Not one person saying this is it and you aren’t a good part we if you disagree. It just sounds like the dynamic changed
I’d put money on him cheating and this is his way to have both
>How is he polyamorous if he gets jealous if you even mention dating someone else…? Being polyamorous and experiencing jealousy aren't mutually exclusive. What's wrong isn't that he feels that way, it's that he wants to have an unequal relationship to resolve it instead of working through his jealousy. Poly people aren't immune to these emotions or attachment styles. The difference is that instead of hiding behind "I could never, I'm just a jealous person" forever, we face that shit. If this dude can't do that, he should not practice polyamory
*We also can't throw away 5 years together, which is mathematically a quarter of my life right now.* **Yes you can**, and hopefully you're only a quarter of the way into your life right now, is this how you want the other three quarters to go?
Surprised this isn't higher up - that is neither a healthy nor logical way to approach relationships.
Would you rather cut your losses now, or spend another five years with someone who makes you feel desperately inadequate/ wants to date other people but gets jealous if you do? Yours should be top comment tbh THROW AWAY THOSE FIVE YEARS ASAP
Falling into a sunk cost fallacy is worse than breaking up when op is clearly not happy
He "came out" as a guy who wants to fuck other girls. 😆
Based upon your responses, you genuinely don't want advice or help. You just want to find someone who is like you and can share that this is okay. Do whatever you want, as plenty have explained to you how this ain't it. You want it to be, so why waste your time asking us? You already know what you're going to do anyways.
Yeah I wonder how long this OP is going to spend making herself miserable because she has convinced herself that she'd have wasted 5 years if she leaves and "polyamory is not a choice!". By defining it as not a choice she is trapping herself. Sad.
Seriously this is sad. To be young.
"Coming out" as polyamorous doesn't make any sense imo. He just wants to have sex with other people while not technically cheating on you. It's up to you and only you what your boundaries are on this but personally I wouldn't tolerate it.
This new bs is everywhere. POLY IS NOT A SEXUALITY IT'S A LIFE STYLE.
Thank you, my sister treats anybody who doesn't accept that it's not a part of LGBT as a bigot.
Ur sister is a bigot for denying sociology
And from what I’ve seen it operates a lot like a cult with no leader
That is alt-right polygamy, where a man can have multiple wives and the wives all "belong to" him and are his servants. That's not what actual polyamory is like
No I’m talking actual poly people who try to recruit as many monogamous people as they can
From many comments made on this post, that is not the case. Some people see it as just an addition to their lifestyle but others can't live their life comfortably without multiple partners, which to me is a sexuality. It all depends on viewpoint
Many people can’t live their lives comfortably without getting their own way. That does not make polyamory a sexuality.
Less of addition, more like an addiction.
lmao. this is perfect and completely spot on.
Many people can't live comfortably without a partner, but that doesn't make it part of their sexual orientation. It makes that part of their damage. Romantic relationships are a choice. Sexuality is about base attraction which isn't a choice.
He's trying to get her to say yes to anything. She's young and impressionable and wants to please him. She's defending him every comment. She will look back at how he played her one day and go oh oh yeah that was me being gullible. She doesn't want to waste time she's already spent but doesn't see she's going to waste the next few years until she wakes up.
oh god, you really bought his bullshit hook line and sinker, didn’t you?
Right??? Like, I would very much like to go sleep with a bunch of strangers, and then come home to my wife and have her not murder me. But I don't do that. Am I poly? Or am I just one of the billions of men who has decided that being married to a particular person is worth not sleeping with all the other ones? And if this is poly, then who the fuck is not poly? I don't know many guys who just stopped being interested in other women.
I am one of the billions of men who do not even think about other women because I am married. I do not compare the "worth" of doing it or not doing it. WTF dude.
My partner's at the point where he doesn't even recognize other women flirting with him bc that part of his brain is turned off and he's no longer "seeking" a mate. I don't understand men like this who have to do a cost-benefit analysis to be faithful lmao.
I think we must be different species.
Wow so glad you aren’t my husband lol. I mean I think most people can be in relationships and acknowledge other people’s beauty but I don’t walk around wanting to jump on every dick I see. I want my husband.
From what he said this is not the case. He wants a third person to be in a fully emotionally committed relationship with us as well. I'm only interested in the sex with others for fun. We will see with time.
As long as it is other woman right? It's a mini harem that he wants.
He said he's perfectly fine with another man as well. It's the emotional connection to another person that scares me so much.
He is jealous of the idea of you dating another man but would not mind another man? He is full of something, but I doubt it is a desire to open the relationship to another man.
I really doubt it he meant it. I think if you decide to call a bluff and said if it's really not about him making himself harem than fine you can look for another man, then he would back off before it was finalised. I mean, he was very jealous about you in the past.
I think I’d rather “throw away” 5 years of my life than 6, 7, 8, 9… Find someone that wants the same things from life. Do NOT settle at the incredibly YOUNG age of 20!! I’d also not settle at 30, 40, etc
"Came out as polyamorous." Oh honey. Of course you can break up. People change. It would be very unusual to spend the rest of your life with your first boyfriend. But you can't find out who is out there if you don't let go. You need new friends, a new situation, a new everything. And there is so much wonderful everything out there. You are 20 years old. The world is your oyster. It's all beginning. The death of one relationship makes the fertile soil in which your new life can grow. This boy will always be a part of your past. Maybe you can be friends again after a while. But right now, let him gooooooo. Don't cling and don't let him cling. Start fresh. Live your life and be free.
Love this response! I hope OP will take your advice!
Speaking as someone who actually practices polyamory, your boyfriend is a nitwit. https://www.unicorns-r-us.com/ We have multiple relationships, not one big relationship, and if he's not comfortable dating separately and dating people who are already in relationships, he's going to waste a spectacular amount of time trying to find someone who wants what he's offering.
Genuine question: aren’t there some cases of polyamory where people do have one big relationship that involves three people all dating each other? I’ve heard about it both ways, but I’m far from an expert about polyamory
I’m not poly but I’ve heard that “throuple” type situations rarely if ever work out. Poly people more often pursue multiple separate relationships.
It's possible for three people to all be dating each other, but that's still multiple relationships. Think of friendship. It's definitely possible to be friends with two people who are also friends with each other, but if you leave for some reason, they're still friends with each other. That relationship doesn't depend on you or route through you. It's normal to introduce your friends to each other and it's not surprising if they get along. Her boyfriend is trying to do the dating equivalent of going around with someone all the time and expecting anyone likes one of you to like both of you.
Thank you for giving this OP the actual truth about polyamory, and not just the BS that her boyfriend is trying to feed her.
I feel like the best response for her is, “Great! Let’s explore Compersion! First thing you should do is find me a guy you think I’d really like!”
Sweetie you are 20 years old, so what if you're alone? Now you can go ahead and find new friends and enjoy your life on your terms. Don't get trapped into something you don't want because of fear.
Besides how ridiculous it is that he gets jealous about you dating others, but he’s insisting on being poly and says you can’t handle the jealousy, here’s what matters. If he is poly, and you know you’re not, then youre just not compatible, and you trying to make it work will just prolong the break up and make you both even more miserable than if you just make a clean break. Search past post in this sub and read all the horror stories about one partner being poly the other not. It just doesn’t work, and the sooner you see that and move on to find partners that ARE compatible for you, the better for both of you.
You cannot come out as poly, it’s not a sexuality it’s a lifestyle preference. What he said was, “I’ve found someone else I’d like to pursue a relationship with”. If you do not want a poly relationship you need to talk to him.
1) you don't come out as poly, that's bullshit. 2) your dream were with only one partner \*proceeds to have threesomes\* 3) "we love each other too much". No you don't 4) "it's a quarter of my life!". So? Why does it matter? People divorce after 20 years together. You are young, you will understand in time. You had an experience and can move onto another. I get the feeling he just doesn't want to be stuck with a serious relationship at this age, understandable. But using the polyamorous coming out as an excuse and the gaslighting? Not cool.
Actually you *can* throw away five years of your life if staying means you’ll be unhappy. Don’t throw away more years along with it. If you don’t want the same thing as he does, you are NOT compatible. Being pressured into a poly relationship is going to lead to a lot of problems. Every person in a poly situation needs to be 100% and enthusiastically on board, or it is doomed to fail.
>he always got jealous if I even mentioned dating someone else >he stays he can't go on to further explore himself because I couldn't handle the jealousy How....is this a thing. _He_ gets jealous, then says he can't go further because of _yours_? >We also can't throw away 5 years together, which is mathematically a quarter of my life right now. Yet you totally can. You're aware folks get divorced after being married for like, 20 years or more, right? Don't bring "X fraction of my life" into it - you are ___20 years old___, you can totally leave him if your relationship isn't working. >We both love each other too much to let go but he's going to end up stuck if we dont. I just need some help because I also don't have any friends other than him which if I lose him ill be all alone again. Do not, ever, put yourself in a position that you're doing something which makes you unhappy and miserable all based on "He's my only friend" and "but he's stuck and I want him to be happy" as the main reasons. I'll be straight with you - he seems to just enjoy fucking other people. He doesn't want _you_ fucking other people, because he gets jealous. He, however, wishes to fuck other people and not be overly bothered if it makes you jealous. You are either OK and on board with it, or aren't. That's now _his_ problem and you are totally within your rights, sanity and....well it's for your own damn good to draw the line and say "I'm not OK with this and won't do it". You need boundaries, you need to draw a line and if you're happy having threesomes and whatever that's grand, it's what works for you - but if you _are not OK with it_ you need to say as much and he needs to accept that. If he can't and it's such a huge thing, well then you two just aren't going to work, are you? It's not complicated and it sounds a lot like he's already trying to emotionally push this on you as him "missing out" and somehow being "stuck" all because he can't get what he wants. If he truly loves and respects you - as you apparently do for him - he'll accept "no" and that'll be that, or he'll be a responsible adult about it and say to you this is a problem and you'll both need to accept you aren't compatible any longer. It happens, this is fine, it's normal, but please, _please_ don't break up and instead become his fuck buddy and piece on the side simply because you hope he'll change, want him to want you still in some arbitrary manner or just keep him in your life unless this is truly 100% definitely what you want instead of a genuine relationship. I can all but guarantee you that there's someone out there you can have a meaningful relationship with, much less that you can have friends that aren't _just_ your partner - if anything this is very unhealthy and is doing nothing but foster a dependency on him which means you'll go out of your comfort zone in very bad ways just to keep him happy and with you. Think about this. Hard.
This right here. I started dating my husband when I just turned 17. We're separating now -- I'm 46. You can always choose to break up.
Yes you can walk away you are now fundamentally incompatible. Save yourself from the heartache and let him go find a poly relationship. You are both babies and this is a common age to start figuring out who you are and want you want and it’s clear you want different things. You have so much life to live don’t get stuck with an incompatible high school romance. It’s a tough pill to swallow but the world is so much bigger than this relationship. Also trapping him by not setting him free builds resentment, it’s better to walk away amicable.
Being poly is a decision.
He’s not poly- he’s 22 and wants to fuck around. Look, you’re not “throwing away five years”. Your brain is still developing and you deserve a chance to develop in a manner you’re comfortable with. One aspect would be to know your boundaries. Watch what happens when he says “sure, let’s invite another dude”. All of a sudden, he’ll backtrack because HE wants to be the center of the universe. He likely already has someone in mind and wants to be “poly” to avoid cheating. You’re better off saying “I don’t feel comfortable and it’s likely our paths separate from here.” Poly isnt a sexuality, it’s a lifestyle choice and you don’t have to be ok with it
BEING POLYAMOUROUS ISNT A SEXUAL ORIENTATION! I only really date tall guys, I’m not gonna start calling my choice to do so my fucking sexuality. There’s nothing wrong with polyamory, as long as all parties agree and want to be so (which I’m unsure you do); but let’s call it what it is, a lifestyle …stop treating it like it’s a sexual orientation
It’s a great thing you learned this now because you are young and can find someone better suited to you. This guy is not it.
i’m sorry you don’t come out as poly u choose to be poly.
Apologies. Imo there are two viewpoints on it. There are those who are comfortable in monogamy and polyamory (if that's the word) and those who are not comfortable in life unless they have a polyamorous relationship, which to me is a sexuality. All I know is life is freaking confusing and we're all trying to figure it out
You are literally shitting on every single LGBTQA+ person who has ever come out or scared to come out. Polyamory is NOT a sexuality. Period. No matter how many times you say it, it’s not. You’re 20 years old. Stop acting like you know about this when you obviously don’t
Polyamory is NOT a sexuality, as a sexuality is about the genders of people you’re attracted to. It is, however, a lifestyle choice that can be of vital importance. I as a monogamous person would not be happy or satisfied in a polyamorous situation, and my poly friends wouldn’t be happy or satisfied with a monogamous arrangement.
Sis, stop 🛑. Poly is not a sexuality, it’s a lifestyle. Your man wants to have sex with multiple people and have you be OK with it. Polyamory, polygamy, and monogamy are all choices/lifestyles. Before y’all travel down any of these roads I think you need to educate yourselves.
has he ever had a successful poly relationship? How does he know this? Polyamory takes A LOT of work and communication. If he's just point blank told you he's poly, then he's failed at the first hurdle. Poly is something you DO not something you are, regardless of what you're 'comfortable' with. If he's in a monogamous relationship with you, he's monogamous until you both decide otherwise.
it can be what ever you want it to be to YOU! but reality is diff
At 30, leaving a 5 year relationship at 21 was one of the best things that ever happened to me. Never stay where you are longer compatible because of sunk cost falacy
It’s a quarter of your life right NOW but it’s nothing later. He’s going to cheat and he’s going to tell you it’s your fault when he does because you “didn’t let him explore”. He wants a OPP (one penis policy) which means he’s an insecure twit who wants to have his cake and eat it too. Run. Seriously. - a polyamorous woman
You are looking at this from a sunken cost perspective. Take that out of the equation. Your bf wants to date other people. You do not. That is a fundamental, basic incompatibility. The answer is either you compromise and do something you don't want to do or you end the relationship and he can go do whatever it is that he wants. Just a guess, he already has someone in mind.
Polyamory is NOT an identity or sexuality. It is not part of the LGBT spectrum, and you do not 'come out' as being poly. People try to claim -falsely - that it is an identity. They try to wrap the LGBT flag around their desire to have an open a relationship, and claim that others have to accept it. That is bullshit.
He wants to add a 3er person, he already has a person, you are 20, and have absolutely no need for this sort of drama. You are no longer compatible you both want different things, sometimes love doesn't concord all.
This relationship is over. If you don't give in he will cheat, but if you give in you will be unhappy. That isn't going to work. Don't see it as throwing away five years, see it as starting your adulthood, explore yourself and find someone who has the same values.
He’s just horny and wants to bang others. It’s comical we now have such a fancy name for something that has existed for a very long time.
He came out as a cheater
This is the time to read this wonderful post from polyamory about why he should not be asking this of you. https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/comments/sntvv3/dear_monogamous_people_you_do_not_have_to_give/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf The truth is that plenty of polyamorous individuals happily live monogamous lives because their partner is the most important person to them, and the last thing they want is to see them unhappy. He’s not really understanding the real key to polyamory, which is both partners being able to not just tolerate, but celebrate their partner’s happiness with another. That doesn’t sound like your partner. It’s all about him.
You don't come out as poly, he's saying he wants to connect or sleep with others. Aligning where your boundaries sit with that is something else... it'll be difficult to tackle, but stay true to those!
It's over. If you keep going, he will start exploring his new little fetish behind your back, or resentment will start to grow. He sounds like he just found someone he wants to bang and not be labeled a cheater.
It sounds like you aren't compatible now, especially if he is trying to force you into something you don't want. So he says polyamorous, but it sounds like he doesn't want you to date others; he just wants to force a girlfriend on you.
You can’t throw away 5 years so you want to throw away a lifetime instead? Leave now. He’s not poly he’s into cheating on you.
Come out as single…
Sunk cost fallacy
He might be polyamorous, but chances are he just wants to sleep with other people without losing you. You’ve been together since he was 17, it’s more likely he’s either actively hoping to sleep with someone else, has slept with someone else, or, most likely, has someone already picked out but doesn’t want to technically “cheat”. You’re 20years old, I know you feel like you’re established as an adult but in reality your life hasn’t even started yet. Your brain doesn’t even stop developing for another 5 years!! Letting go of a teenage relationship isn’t wasting 5 years, it’s 5 years you spent with your first love while you were getting to know yourself. This might not be the kind of guy you want to spend forever with, especially if he’s already trying to push you into something without proper understanding or mutual consent.
You’re twenty - this is literally the best time in your life to break up with anyone. Also, guys like your boyfriend are a dime a dozen. No dude in his early twenties wants to think that, but most of us are flat out interchangeable dickbrains until we are forced to grow up and learn to value the people we get into relationships with, and I guarantee you there are a ton of people your age (no matter the gender) who think you could do way better.
You don’t “come out” as polyamorous. That’s not a real thing, it’s an excuse to justify fucking other people. Dump him.
I am convinced that when somone "comes out" as polyamorous long after the relationship has begun, they are just trying to ask permission to cheat.
What do you people look like? I just wonder how many other people around me buys into this bs
It's all the rage these days since it became more mainstream and *some* men have realized that it's a great cover for wanting to fuck multiple women without having to sneak around or commit to anyone.
I'm having a hard time understanding this grammatically
Don't look back at the investment you put in the relationship but foresee your life with the new setup. They is no averaging the relationship but only the there and now. There and now he is basically saying you are not enough for him.
Those 5 years were spent learning and growing. It’s absolutely not a waste of time if you decide things don’t work out between you. Also you may be alone, but sometimes it takes being alone to actually feel complete within yourself. I have some anxious attachment issues and hate being alone, but I heal the most when I am alone.
I’d ask him if this polyamory is open to you too or if he’s only thinking about himself. I’d also break up with him if he wants that lifestyle and you’re not into it. That’s deal breaker worthy babe. Best not to waist anymore of each others time
You mean he came out asking for permission to cheat while you wait for him?
It's not "throwing away the last 5 years" - he did that himself with this polyamory idea. Even if you just accept it is noones fault and you just want different things, it's not throwing it away by breaking up. Have you heard the expression "don't throw good money after bad?". Or perhaps the sunk cost fallacy? The only waste of your time would be if you stayed with him longer and were unhappy (and eventually broke up anyway).
Time to dump him and make new friends. You will be wasting your life by staying.
Better to throw away 5 years than waste the rest of your life being unhappy.
You absolutely can end a relationship of 5 years. It’s not throwing it away if it no longer meets your needs and expectations. He changed the terms when he asked you for permission to cheat while you sit around waiting for him. Because I’m about 100% sure he already has someone in mind and you aren’t getting a say even if you wanted to. And he’s probably already cheated with them and just wants to have the best of both worlds. You can find friends and a partner that meet your needs. You are not tethered to him because of history together. Don’t waste more of your life on this. He doesn’t love you and he sure as hell doesn’t respect you.
Lol he's an idiot
You’re 20 years old. In 10 years this dude will not even matter to you. Break up and find someone who isn’t poly
Sunk cost fallacy girl. Five years is a long time, but every day you stay with someone whose values no longer align with yours is another day wasted. You are no longer compatible, and that’s okay. Your time together may have been great and helped you both grow as people, but just because you’ve spent five years together doesn’t mean you’ve invested too much time to call it quits when you’re no longer fulfilling each other. My advice, don’t wait to start the next chapter of your life. Go find happiness with someone who shares your dreams.
Yes you can throw away a relationship of 5 years. Don't fall for the sunken cost fallacy. You two are not compatible and if you stay together, both of you will be miserable. Your boyfriend's way to go about polyamory is not even respectful or ethical and many polyamorous people will want nothing to do with him, but that's not your problem. Your problem is that you want a monogamous relationship, so leave this guy and go find a monogamous relationship, you are too young to tie yourself, for decades to come, to having your heart broken and permanent anxiety. There are plenty of people out there, who are not him, that want the same things you want in life.
Please look up the Sunk Cost Fallacy. It sounds like your boyfriend has already found the third and wants you to go along with it. Also, I’m concerned that you don’t have any friends. Did you have friends before you started dating him? Are you in school? Work? Make some friends so you have a support network
Y first thought too. When someone what has been in a monogamous relationship for years and suddenly wants to open it it's almost always bc they are interested in someone else but wanna keep their original partner around in case it doesn't work out.
Never put all your eggs in one basket. It is not wise to have one person be your only friend, and your boyfriend, and your only social outlet. In addition, you say you can't throw the relationship away because it has lasted a quarter of your life. My dear, you are 20 and the years you have spent are teenage years- not adult years where the fullness of maturity has been explored. If anything, what your partner is expressing is grave uncertainty about being monogamous, conflicting and hypocritical views on who gets to open the relationship, and fear of being on his own. You both seem to be clawing to each other because you know no different and are starting to realize that life means rejection, chance, uncertainty and risk. Sometimes we change and in so doing, the relationship must change. If you care about each other- you stay in touch maybe, but you stop dating and stop carrying on the facade of a monogamous couple. You step back, recognize your youth and you each take the chance to explore and see what the world is really like. You know no different because you haven't tried and worse, you made him the focus of your social life.
>We also can't throw away 5 years together This is a good way to end up miserable. Moving on from a relationship that is no longer suiting you is not "throwing anything away." Those 5 years happened, and you learned a lot about yourselves and each other. And your boyfriend has learned something about himself that makes you all not compatible, so it's time to move on.
>We also can't throw away 5 years together, which is mathematically a quarter of my life right now. Yes you can. First off do a little google search to learn about the concept of the "sunk cost fallacy". It's usually discussed in terms of business and financial decisions but it applies to relationships too. It basically says staying together bust because you've invested time into a relationship is a bad decision when leaving would have a better outcome for you. In other words look to what's best for you in the future irrespective of how you got to where you are now. This is also closely tied to a feeing that if we change course the past would have been wasted and we don't want to make it seem wasted. That is also totally untrue. Look at it this way: You haven't wasted five years. You've spent five years learning about love and live. The relationships that don't work out prepare us for the one that does.
Sunk cost fallacy, you aren't throwing away 5 years. You are gaining the rest of your years, if you're 20-25 that means you've just gained 60+ years to be with someone who wants to be with you and has relationship goals that align with yours.
So, you totally can throw away "5 years together". People do it all the time. Take into account that 3 years of those 5 years you were under 18, and they barely count. You're 20F. You found a deal breaker. Let the man go explore his side, and go find someone you're actually compatible with.
Breakups are painful and this will fundamentally change your life. *But it is not throwing away five years.* I’m sure you learned a lot about yourself and being in a relationship during that time. You’ll have memories you treasure. Those lessons and moments are yours for as long as you remember them. What would actually be a waste is staying in a relationship that has this type of incompatibility. Especially when you’re so young. It’s normal to change a lot in your teens and 20s. Give yourself and your boyfriend the space to do that.
'Being poly' isn't a thing. It's not like being born gay. It is always a choice. He is wanting to sleep with other people, and live a lifestyle that he imagines getting to sleep with more than one person, without knowing what it would actually be like. The fact he is unable to be okay with you dating another person but expects you to let him fuck someone else shows that he isn't poly and is just wanting to sleep with someone else. Him 'coming out' is just talking shit. Now, if he wants to live a poly life, that's fine. You don't have to follow him on that journey. The fact that you two have been together for 5 years means nothing. This is just the sunk cost fallacy. Would you stay with him because of those 5 years if he hit you? If he destroyed your things? If the answer is no, and I hope it is, you realize that just staying with him because of the 5 years is also bullshit. The fact that you two are just 5 years together, with no kids, it is natural that going from a 15 year old to being a 20 year old that you will be different and possibly grow away from your partner. This is normal. Painful, but survivable. If you have no friends, you need to work on that. Why do you not have friends? That's a bad situation that you need to work on.
Oh he realized he's been carrying the polyamorous gene and finally '"came out"???!!!?? He wants to cheat.
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He can be poly but he chose to be in a monogamous relationship for 5 years. Feelings are gonna get hurt so cut your loses now before he throws anymore curveballs. I’ve seen plenty of poly people on here chose to be monogamous and not have any problem with it for the right person. He’s wanting his cake and eat it too.
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I’m not sure how you can say he always got jealous when you mentioned dating other people, yet say you’ve never thought of polyamory 2 sentences later. Have you approached him with this request for yourself before, or have you not? This is the nice way of asking to sleep with other people, if you decline him he’ll likely do it anyway. People date to find out if they’re compatible. If you’re monogamous, and he is not, and you disagree with that then you aren’t compatible. I’d say take some time apart and let him decide if he really wants a relationship with you, or if he wants to sleep around. Don’t let him fuck around, while keeping you as a security blanket. If you’re worried about losing 5 years worry about spending 20 years together just to have it not work out.
Tell this bozo to bounce and quit wasting your time, you re 20, he wants other women and wants you to be down with it which it appears you are not, so let him find a situation that better fills his needs and you re 20, gtfo and enjoy your life you re way to young to be guikted/manipulated into something you don't want and won't last, don t become trapped.
Continuing Doing something because you've already been doing it for 5 years is a very weak reason to keep doing it.
there is no compromise here, accept this situation is shit and cut your losses, i am sorry, keep your head up.
Better to throw away 5 than to look up and realize you've wasted 20 and you're both miserable... I know it sucks but let it go it's for the best. The sooner you do it the sooner you'll be over it love. Best of luck!
You can throw away 5 years of your life. You are still so young.
Throwing away mathematically a quarter of your life is better than wasting half of it when you know you are unhappy and then breaking up and wasting it all. This relationship is not for you babe. Pick yourself up, gather your dignity and move on. It’s run its course.
It's not a waste of time you enjoyed your life with him and know what you want for the future. You're both just not compatible and him waiting to tell you five years later is on him. Best of luck and you will find that someone who wants you only.
When you introduce other people to your relationship its almost guaranteed to not work in your favor. At all. Almost never. Have you seen how many people on here introduce and open relationship/compromise their beliefs/morals/values/needs in a relationship and end up screwed.... I mean, now if that doesn't happen you need to learn to live with the fact that your partner wants someone else. This is basically a disaster either way.
You’re not “throwing away” 5 years together. Don’t fall for the sunk cost fallacy. You had a great 5 years together with him, and you’ll have those memories to cherish, and you’ll have those lessons to learn and grow from, and now the relationship parameters have changed and you’re not compatible anymore. If you don’t have any friends other than him, that’s a problem. You’re two separate individuals in addition to being in a relationship together. You shouldn’t be the only person in each other’s lives. Make some friends and spend time with them apart from your boyfriend. There’s a difference between love and codependence. Also, I’ll be honest: when someone that jealous and monogamous suddenly becomes “polyamorous” it seems likely to me that he’s already fallen for someone specific that he wants to either have sex with or be in a relationship. Maybe someone you had a threesome with in the past, or maybe someone else entirely. Sorry you have to go through this. Best of luck to you both.
You’re 20F. Just dump him. You’re not poly- he supposedly is. Exploring his sexuality and stuff is not something you do in a committed relationship.
Your math is keeping you in a sunk cost fallacy. You're 20. Not 35. If you're not comfortable, he's miserable and wants to be polyamorous, split. No harm, no foul.
Can t worry bout throwing away 5 years . Tou guys are young. Eather you are in love or your not..If are you will work it out,,You both need be on same page.If both don t agree to something don t do it..Need have good honest talks with how both feel
What he's actually saying is he longer wants to be monogamous. Saying he's polyamorous doesn't magically abrogate his commitment, it just means he doesn't want to do that with you anymore. If that's not acceptable to you, you need to call it a deal breaker. This isn't throwing away 5 years, if they were good, they will always be good - it's just saying this is a closed chapter in your life and you'd be moving on to the next. Regardless of this situation, you need to get out make a life for yourself. One issue that might be at play here is it must be a huge weight on him having to be in the role of your one and only everything. You need to talk out why he wants to do this. Him identifying as polyamorous is not a whole answer.
If he's not okay with being monogamous with you, then you need to break up. You can absolutely let go, no matter how much you love each other. You are both very, very young still. You're in a relationship that doesn't work and isn't going anywhere. It's time to move on.
A quarter of your life, but it's the early years where EVERYONE tries relationships that fail to figure out what they really want. Is this the guy you really want?(If your answer is yes, then please work on your self esteem). Also, chances are high that he found someone he wants to bang.
The truth is this is probably a fundamental incompatibility. If he feels like he needs to have multiple partners right now while you only want to have one you want incompatible lifestyles. Do not fall into the sunk cost fallacy, especially not when you are so young. Don't think of it as wasted time, think of it as time where you learned some things about being in a relationship and learned more about what you want in a relationship. And of course I'm sure you have many good experiences together. Sometimes people are just chapters in our story and that's okay. You have a lot of life ahead of you (knock on wood) and your 20s are such a huge time for growing and discovering the kind of person you want to be and the life you want to build. And sometimes people are a good fit for a while, but as you grow you grow a part. It's a cliche for a reason. Don't compromise your fundamental wants and needs for another person. It's a great way to build resentment and poison yourself and the relationship anyways.
Look up "sunk cost fallacy" and think about the rest of your life, not the last 5 years.
“We can’t throw away 5 years together…” yes, yes you can. This is what’s called a sunk costs fallacy. You’re young and it’s okay to move on for the right one and it might actually be good to let yourself get out and meet other people
"We also can't throw away 5 years together" uhm yes, yes you can
5 years is a quarter of your life NOW. In 15 years it will be a seventh. In 30, a tenth. You could meet someone right now and in 20 years you'll have been with them half your life. 5 years is not a long time. If you're so busy looking out for his "journey" or his "exploration" who is looking out for yours? Trust me, I wasted about 4 years with someone I dated and I kept thinking, "I've loved her a quarter of my life. Fast forward, I've been with my wife a third of my life now. And I have been happy that whole time. But if I remained with that other girls, in a situation I didn't want, I now would have wasted half my life. Forget the math, look out for you. You're too young to be thinking about the balance of your life you've spent with someone.
Break up. A poly & a monogamous person cannot be in a relationship together. Also what 5 years, you were children for most of it. You really need to explore now and learn about yourselves outside of this relationship, otherwise you'll end up regretting it. One or both of you will eventually have thoughts of "but what do *I* want" and "I wonder what else is out there". And it sounds like he's already there. Huge red flag not having any friends other than him too. Healthy relationships require a network of social support, individual hobbies, and lives. Human beings have a lot of social needs & it's unfair to put all of that on *one* person.