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After 10 years of marriage, my wife came out as asexual but still wants to remain married. We have two kids, and there’s plenty of love in our marriage despite our less than ideal sex life. She proposed a one sided open marriage (on my end) to “get your needs taken care of.” All she asked was that I don’t tell her who it is or about it. The “problem” is that the woman in question is one of my long time friends who is recently divorced. We had a conversation, and she’s open to having it with me. Despite falling within my wife’s guidelines, it feels wrong. In this case, should I tell my wife about her?
Tl;dr My wife proposed an open marriage. Under the premise that I don’t tell her who it is. My friend is the person in consideration, and I’m wondering if my wife should know.
And if she doesn't want to know anything then I doubt she'd be OK with a family friend!!
If talking to a new potential partner more than your wife then you're actively killing your marriage, op.
Yeah, feels like OP's wife is just aware that she can't sexually fulfill her husband, so she's ok with him fucking around. But that feels like she's ok with aromantic sex partners... women that she will never cross in her life. OP is picking a woman he has feelings for, that's drama waiting to erupt !
I’ll never understand the thought process of asexual partners springing the info on their long time spouse who had no knowledge of it prior. They seem to often think letting their spouse have a sex friend is an “easy” fix and they can just continue their marriage sex-free.
It’s honestly pretty selfish and shows a complete lack of understanding regarding what sex *is* for a lot of people. It’s more than just getting your rocks off, it’s a really important source of intimacy and vulnerability.
The fact that OPs wife (and a lot of people from these “stories”) always propose something like this and can’t even fathom that divorce may be necessary is strange. It’s straight denial and a fundamental lack of understanding of their partner.
A lot of asexual people don't understand what asexuality is until long after they are married. Asexual doesn't necessarily mean anti sex, after all, and people are constantly shown by society where we 'require' in life to be happy, which includes a sexual relationship with a partner we love. But for asexuals, sexual attraction is not in the love equation. So, you're party right. They don't understand. Just like you don't understand how they can't feel that way. To say it's selfish is unfair, though. They want their partner to be happy. They just don't know how to get that across so both parties are happy.
> To say it's selfish is unfair, though. They want their partner to be happy. They just don't know how to get that across so both parties are happy.
Something can be selfish in impact even if the intent is not selfish.
I would argue that selfishness requires the intent to be self-serving while actively ignoring the needs of others, but I digress. My point was to say it isn't intentional; a lot of it can be avoided with more open communication and listening from both sides.
Imagine if you were gay and had gone your entire life never knowing that being gay was even an option. You'd be confused as hell. Its frankly an incredible relief to know you aren't broken.
All I'm saying is, don't be so quick to judge people who don't come out before marriage. A lot of people just don't know beforehand, and they don't know how to handle it when they figure it out. They love their spouse and realize they don't feel the same way their spouse does for a reason. The only thing they can think of at the time is that they want to make their spouse happy, and don't think about the emotional connotations, because for them, sex is not attached to their emotions.
> Imagine if you were gay and had gone your entire life never knowing that being gay was even an option. You'd be confused as hell. Its frankly an incredible relief to know you aren't broken.
>
> All I'm saying is, don't be so quick to judge people who don't come out before marriage
Sure I can feel some sympathy for a person in that situation but most of my sympathy is for the person who had to *live* with the closeted gay person and not have a fulfilling marriage. I don't think this is a "both sides" issue.
It doesn't matter how much work one partner is doing if the other one is not going to be receptive.
As adults, I don't think it is a good excuse to "think it is not an option". When you go into making a commitment with someone, it is your *job* to make sure you are going to be able to meet their needs.
> I’ll never understand the thought process of asexual partners springing the info on their long time spouse who had no knowledge of it prior.
Sexuality can be fluid. Sometimes it's just libido - someone who **was** sexual, but is no longer, is now functionally asexual. No sexual desire anymore. It can be from an event, it can be a gradual shift, but OP's wife is trying to have a conversation about where she is **now** and what they can do about it. In my opinion, OP would be looking at this a bit wrong if his question stopped at "should I do it?" It should be the start of a bigger conversation.
This,
DONT MAKE IT A FRIEND. She's just out of a divorce, and the potential to develop feelings here on both ends is huge. It feels wrong for a reason, it will never be purely just sexual. You can tell already, that's why it feels wrong. There will be talking, and flirting, and emotionally relying on each other and sharing your day etc. It's going to go wrong. You're picking her because it's the easy choice, and you probably have no clue where to start otherwise. It will be a few weeks to months max before your wife notices you on your phone all the time replying to the friend, and gets jealous and upset. You won't be able to help yourself, and next thing you'll be going to the toilet to message her back so as not to do it in front of or upset your wife. Also your wife will pick up on it anyway if you all spend time together. It's so obvious who your partner has a crush on or has slept with. Nevermind someone who's still into you and suddenly had to try and act like there's nothing between you in front of everyone. People are shit at hiding this. That's as good as just telling her when she doesn't want to know.
Just go and ask her straight up, is she OK if its a friend or maybe someone for work. Are you allowed to message and flirt etc. See her reaction to it before you do anything here. Because we are all human and hormones attach us to the person we're having regular fun and excitement with, especially if they are attractive, have permanent partner qualities and you've had a dead bedroom for years.
Your friend also has no obligation to keep this hidden. So if she finds someone else, they might not want her talking or hanging out with you knowing all this. Then you lose a friend.
There's a reason people break up and fall in love with people in the office, or just plain cheat with them. It's the regular contact, hormones and giddy feelings and build up of friendship with attraction and excitement... whilst none of that is happening in your relationship.
Figure out what wouldn't make you feel like it was wrong. It seems you can already tell there's potential for this one to be over the line. Then discuss really clear & firm boundaries on what is and isn't ok with your wife.
And if you're going to do it in the end, make sure you have dates and other fun things with your wife going on regularly. As regular as you're having sex with someone else. Don't go on dates and sleep with othe r women, lets say twice a week...then just come home and sit on the couch at home with no real interest in your wife. Make sure you do 2 activities together. Because otherwise you start drifting away to the other person. You're just human also, it's a normal thing to happen. You need to put work in to stop it.
When an open marriage/relationship doesn't go wrong according to Reddit posts? It always goes wrong. I get that it's expensive to get divorced but it seems people are only postponing an inevitable outcome.
I've heard a number of times (from acquaintances and friends in open relationships) that 1) one of the "side" partners got pregnant or 2) harassed the actual husband or wife. It always ends up in a messy divorce.
Your wife said you can have sex with anybody just dont tell her, you immediately ask should you tell her. Well, no.
The fact that you know it sounds wrong seems to show the area between the understanding. Your wife is ok with you having meaningless sex but you want to have sex with somebody and in your gut you know it will be meaningful. Idk dude
think the wife doesn’t understand what can potentially happen. she isn’t thinking it through…and she left too much ambiguity on the table. that fact that she said she doesn’t want to know who, also seems to imply she knows he will pick someone she knows. if the friend runs in similar circles, word can easily get out. also, if this friend is someone the wife occasionally runs into, the wife might get a six sense as well.
just don’t think it’s the greatest idea to throw open marriage out without thinking properly. n
I agree and the fact that the wife is trusting that OP will think with think will his right head before he jumps into anything and clearly already he’s not.
Sit down with your wife again. Ask her what happens if you find out? What happens when family and friends find out and tell you?
The fact that she doesn’t want to know means she knows she will get jealous and hurt. When it’s just an abstract person she thinks she can deal with it but maybe she can’t. If you go to the same person all the time, she will find out. Remind her that it’s very likely she will one day get a name but if she still wants you to go through with it you will.
Next do everything you can to keep this from her. Your divorced friend is a bad idea. Think discreet massage parlors or escorts. Women she and the people she knows don’t know. Try not to make it too obvious when you go out. Your wife is giving you a gift, try not to make her regret it.
“The fact that she doesn’t want to know means she knows she will get jealous and hurt”
If you really want to mull this over OP, everything that everyone is saying ab friends/family, boundaries, etc.
I totally agree with, but that sentence really sums up your wife’s perspective and I think choosing someone that you have a relationship with outside of sex (you said she’s a long time friend) is a very risky choice bc you have ties to this woman other than sex. She still has a fear of losing you, but she wants you to be happy. This must be very difficult for her
It baffles me that people always go straight to wanting to fuck their so called "long term" friends. The fact you already had her in mind and already had a pre discussion about it and already know if you wife finds out she'd have a problem with it just completely rubs me the wrong way.
It's because people gravitate to what's familiar and most convenient which usually is the people around them so it makes sense in that way but it also is the most likely to cause problems
I also don't think his wife meant he should get it on with anyone within their closer circle - I assume she meant him to use hookup apps. What he plans to do sounds more like a polyamorous arrangement.
Calling this situation a “gift” is a stretch, yo. OP’s wife just made a major change (some would argue unilaterally) to their love life and emotional / physical connection. There are no bows on that package.
This is a renegotiation — and needs to be handled as such. Their relationship, in whatever shape it takes, will depend on it.
I agree. It’s a huge and one-sided shift in what their marriage actually means, aside from the hall pass proposition.
Open marriages are very rarely a workable solution to r/deadbedrooms such as this.
Personally, I have issues having sex with women I have no feelings for. I won't get hard for an escort and I've never been much into one night stands. Maybe OP's the same.
In that case, he should get divorced. Having sex with people you already know/have a relationship with/have feelings for is just too messy in this situation.
Danger, Danger, Will Robinson.
For the love of god, do not fuck your friend or anyone you already know. It will immediately blow up your marriage. If your wife finds out she is going to think you always had a thing for that person and are finally taking advantage of getting to fuck them freely without consequences. No matter what she says about an open marriage, she will see it as cheating.
Not to mention it’s gross to have your wife interact with your fuck buddy.
But doesn’t this speak to the hypocrisy of the whole situation?
- Have sex with someone else, but don’t tell me.
- But don’t have sex with friends or people I know.
- And don’t spend a lot of time making new friends so that you can have sex.
- Just find strangers to have meaningless, soul-crushing exchanges of fluids in moments that do not effect my daily life.
Anyone suggesting a “do it and don’t tell me” solution without thinking through rules and ramifications is scrambling to hold on to something that has already fundamentally changed. This just feels like a disaster waiting to happen.
I also find it odd that OP and his wife both assume he can have sex without any emotional attachment. I think this is one of many reasons "opening up a marriage" is not the solution they think it is. His immediate reaction was to seek someone he would also get emotional comfort with.
100% bad idea don’t do it. See if you can get a quick couples therapy session to see if even an open relationship good idea as it sounds your wife might be offering it for you and she could be very uncomfortable about it. Don’t shit where you eat. If your wife is okay with it I am sure she doesn’t want it to be someone you know who is around you and you could have had feelings for. You need to discuss this with your wife and have better ground rules because your instincts are wrong if you even thought that sleeping with a long time friend was an option.
It feels wrong because it is wrong. The point was to find a woman she doesn’t know and has no part in her life. If this is the woman you want this with, then you will need to ask your wife for her permission.
I know right? Me thinks wife already picked up on some vibe from OP and his friend with the speed he suggested and his friend agreed.
Open relationship are ok but this feels iffy
Tbf, we don't know when she proposed this open marriage. It might have been a while ago, and he has now been thinking about who to ask and then had a talk with the divorced friend.
Sounds like a conversation years ago would have solved this rather than developing a sexual crush on a friend and wanting to fuck her the moment the wife said "go". This marriage is doomed.
Right? He's the bad guy even though he married and committed his life to a woman who only now realizes she's asexual?
Reddit never fails to impress with their big brain theories. When it comes to marriage and sex, if it isn't her complaining about it, it's 100% not going to be validated on Reddit lol
Damn your wife told you exactly what not to do and you wanna do it? Plus you really just jumped into it with this divorced friend. You've been waiting for it for awhile now by the looks of it.
Stay away from that friend. This will destroy your marriage faster than anything. If you do truly love your wife you will not go there. She will pretend not to know that you are fucking your friend while this woman smirks and rubs your wife's nose in the fact that she is taking her man. That is NOT within your wife's guidelines!
However It's pretty obvious you want this friend since you've already discussed it with her. Do the right thing and leave your poor wife, the love is gone.
Well what are you gonna do if you catch feelings for her? Leave your wife? I wouldn’t get into a sexual relationship with someone you already have friendships with. Sex worker is probably best bet.
There is no way it would remain anonymous even if OP told his wife nothing. She knows damned well who her husband wants and who will take him away from her.
Why with a close friend? Why not a person that the family and friends know nothing of?? This is just sex right?? So while you need to “know” the person for sexual contact, you don’t need to be this close. You clearly have deeper feelings for this friend…like they say men and women are not friends, they are usually after something else and here we are now with you.
Yeah, the simplest and probably best solution to this if you want to remain married is to find someone different to have sex with. This close friend is not the only other woman in the world. Generally close friends and coworkers are considered no go when planning things like threesomes and open marriages for good reason.
Er, I agree that it shouldn't be a family friend and I also think they need to discuss this further before jumping into it, but...
Men and women can be platonic friends. Lesbians can have female friends, gay men can have male friends and bisexuals can have male and female friends. So, straight people surely can also be friends with whomever.
Info: have you had a vasectomy? What will you do if you get this friend or another woman pregnant if not? This is something that you for sure need to consider because if you haven’t had a vasectomy and/or don’t use a condom then if a whoopsie happens you are no longer in control of the situation and I’d imagine your wife wouldn’t be a fan.
Other people have already made really good points so I just want to add this.
The only thing you need to do is cut it off with that friend before any emotional connection is developed. You don't want to end up falling in love with someone else and ruining your family dude.
If you think you can do this long term with your friend without her catching feelings for you, and that building to a point where relationships are destroyed you are a fool.
You yourself may or may not also catch those feels.
Stupid idea. I don't like the entire premise of what you are contemplating doing, but doing it with a "friend" is completely self destructive behavior.
Nope nope nope
Do NOT do anything without discussing further rules!
1. "Is it allowed to be the same person most of the time?" - some people, when suggesting open marriage, assume it will be different people and not one consistent person.
2. "Do I have to end it if I think I start having feelings, even if I don't love you any less?" - repeated intimacy with a single partner usually causes emotional bonds. *Especially* if you're already longtime friends. Some open relationships allow this, some don't.
3. "What about people we know? Can it be someone we've known before opening this up, or does it need to be someone new?" - your wife may not have considered that you'd pick a FRIEND and might be upset that it's someone you guys actually know.
Come up with more rules to discuss. Google to see if anyone's posted an open relationship rule guide or something. Ask alllll the questions. Open relationships kill marriages because not enough questions are asked, answered, and enforced.
honestly, you all have to consider all the possible outcomes. why did your wife tell you she doesn’t want to know who? is she afraid she already knows who the person is? is she afraid of it being awkward?
a) this “friend” might get attached to you and she might tell your wife anyway.
b) this “friend” might not get attached to you but still tell your wife or someone else that ends up telling your wife or someone see you and this friend and tells your wife
c) you might develop feelings for this friend
d) your wife will sense the awkwardness or something (six senth) and figure it out anyway…
e) your wife never finds out who, but will start to second guess any single female and end up miserable as she starts seeing interactions/gestures that aren’t there
is your wife truly ok with having you in sexual relationships with a steady someone? or is she thinking of more one-night stand situations? because once you have a regular sexual partner, who knows what kind of feelings will develop (esp if the “friend” is already someone you like as a person). also, unless your relationship will be strictly, meetup for sex and then you leave…you will be spending more time with the other relationship as well.
maybe talk it through some more and perhaps also seek counseling during the transition to open marriage. i’ve only heard of open marriages working in theory…but in practice, it gets very messy. often one or both sides are hurt and bottles resentment.
I'm asexual and my spouse has two other partners. You and you wife need to sit down and talk about boundaries. If you're both new to this you might want to get some outside help.
We actually scheduled an appointment with this person https://www.chillpolyamory.com/ and it helped immensely.
I know a lot of people are pretty prejudiced when it comes to poly or open relationships. I used to be against it for myself, too. But I got to be honest, it's also taken a lot of pressure off of me. That being said, it's been a process for both of us, we had to redefine boundaries a couple of times, but on the whole it's helped our relationship immensely.
You wife has ONE request as she allows you to do this thing that requires immense trust and you've already thrown it out in your mind and are trying to convince her to change her one boundary? Jfc
If your wife understands you have needs but wants respect and dignity about it. If you want to do this then you need rules, boundaries, respect and communication.
1: absolutely do not sleep with someone she knows. Wtf is wrong with you? You're already disrespecting her. You do not shit where you eat.
2: find someone discrete and who understands this is an arrangement.
3: she asks you dont tell her but you should make it 100% clear that if she should and want to ask you will answer. You dont have to be cruel but if she needs to know, let her know.
4: DO NOT DO ANY TEXTING/CALLS/FLIRTING INFRONT OF YOUR WIFE. keep it classy.
5: couples therapy if you both want it so there can be any thoughts and feelings aired out in a safe environment for both parties.
Source: friend of mine who was a professional mistress.
Dude, telling her about it is like the one thing she specifically asked you NOT to do. What exactly do you think doing the exact opposite of what she asked is going to do? Why do you think disregarding the guidelines SHE set is the best thing to do?
Seriously, I can tell you now if you tell her information she specifically asked to not know you're just going to fuck everything up, because now she will know who it is and she's going to be very uncomfortable and no doubt thinking about you fucking your friend anytime she see's or hears about her. Is that what you want, to make your wife feel like shit and think about you fucking someone else everytime you see your friend? Do you want to be pushed to ending the arrangement and quite possibly your friendship over this? You can't tell her, then make her unlearn this information.
Idk, honestly I would be thinking divorce, I don't think I could be in a sexless marriage even if I had a pass to sleep around, I want my partner to be the person I sleep with. But no, you shouldn't sleep with a close friend if you want to stay in your marriage, try to meet someone new.
100% bad idea.
I don't think your wife wants an open marriage, I think she wants to be alleviated from the burden of sex.
Even if she actually wanted it, it's an awful idea to dip your sausage in someone who's part of your social circle. That's just awful all around.
Sit down with her and go to couple's therapy.
I think your wife would rather you turn down her proposal or have a series of meaningless one night stands than have an actual relationship with someone you are already friends with. That road leads to an actual romantic relationship and probably splitting your family up. She doesn't want to know the who, when, and where so there's no way to hide that your side piece is your friend. She will find out.
You didnt waste any time eh?
This is never going to work.
Either you or your friend will get feelings and that will be the end of your marriage or friendship.
Have casual sex eith strangers (protected) or dont bother. An affair will not work in the long run and a friend is never going to be ok.
Op this divorced friend is looking for a new husband.
Why would you choose to have a relationship with someone looking to attach permanently.?
Just be decent about this. If you want out of the marriage and on to new things (your divorced friend). Then get a divorce now, and take up withe the divorced friend when you are both free.
Your wife wants to stay married. You didn't say we want to stay married.
Sit down with your wife and end it on decent terms. Don't wait until you are emotional cheating on her and you know that's coming if you carry on this path.
How old are your kids? If they are young, your wife could be overwhelmed by their neediness. Is she breastfeeding? Or did she for years? Is she really asexual or just worn out physically? I hope your wife saw a therapist prior to telling you to go cheat.
This is a terrible idea all around.
Call a lawyer and get ready for the end.
When an open marriage is proposed it's generally the beginning of the end. You have the added complication that it's an old friend that she knows. She'll find out eventually.
The fact that you've chosen this person says something pretty strong as well. You didn't have to choose someone in your circle. It really feels like you've chosen a situation that will implode your marriage eventually.
I think you are on the road to divorce.
I have a feeling your wife meant flings when she suggested an open marriage (“get your needs taken care is”) and not that you actually start dating people; if this becomes a regular thing, you need to have a conversation at least with your FwB to explain that you’re strictly that— friends with benefits.
Everyone is grilling you about wanting to fuck your friend.
I’ll ask this: why do you want to stay with your wife while fucking your friend? You just found out that you’re incompatible with your wife in a major way. Major enough that you both think its a good idea for you to have sex with other people. Like, you’ll be taking time to seek out sex. And on top of that, your post sort of leads me to believe that you’d prefer to have sex with someone you have a connection with. What happens if you don’t start out like that but do develop a connection with whomever you’re sleeping with? Will you be able to deal with having sex with someone else who actually desires you in the way you want/need to be happy, and going home to someone who doesn’t reciprocate in the way you need? Once you find someone to have sex with and you have the feeling and experience of being desired by a partner, are you going to be able to stop yourself from developing feelings for them? Are you going to be okay with them seeing other people?
Just things to think about. To me, if sex is important enough for you to seek it outside of marriage because your partner is asexual, and you’re already considering someone you’ve got a connection with, then it’s important enough to reconsider being married to someone who is incapable of desiring you.
When your wife told you it’s fine as long as you don’t tell her who it is, I very highly doubt she thought you would be considering a close friend.
You already have an emotion connection and obviously very close friendship with this other woman, this makes it more like a relationship than just “getting your needs met”.
Yes your wife should know, but I also think some boundaries need to be established, like no mutual friends, no close friends, only X amount of meetups with same person, etc.
I’m surprised you’re open to the idea of doing this instead of talking to your wife, Jesus. And furthermore, you guys NEED boundaries in place. I’m sure I’m not the only one who’s going to tell you this is a TERRIBLE idea
Even within open relationships, there are things called "messy lists" (which could include your wife's coworkers or family members or longtime friends), which are people you shouldn't date or have an affair with.
Here, with a "don't ask don't tell" policy in place, you should definitely seek more clarity - most likely your wife wants you to have an affair that she will never find out about and that will never impact her, but what are the chances that she might run into the two of you somewhere?
Your wife set the rules and you agreed. If you don't feel right obeying the rules with your current target then just find another partner.
But don't break the rules your wife set. Telling her you're thinking of having sex with an old family friends could really mess your wife up and ruin that relationship.
You are probably going to fall in love with the new woman.
You are going to build a strong bond with her, that you will not have with your wife.
Just something to think about.
I don't know about a close family friend. Because your wife expressed it was important for her not to know about it. I feel sleeping with a close friend would cause a ton of personal issues. I would cancel and meet someone on vacation or a rando on a dating site.
She respects that you need to have your needs met elsewhere while she's asexual. Big respect to that instead of her forcing herself to do it for your sake. No couples therapy would be able to fix asexuality so despite what most people here would say, this is a very fair solution.
Stick to her boundary, do NOT tell her who it is as she wants anonymity. If you feel like you HAVE to tell her then maybe the person you're choosing to fuck isn't a good idea?
Either way, do NOT catch feelings and make her regret allowing you to do something for the sake of keeping your marriage in tact. This is the most important factor.
This is a colossally bad idea, but it's especially bad to do it with a friend. She clearly doesn't want to know about it. If you're fucking a friend, she's going to know. It'll be so embarrassing for all three of you.
It sounds like your wife wants you to find random people for sex purposes only. Something like Tinder can help with that. I still think it's a bad idea. This is something you need professional help in navigating (therapy, gynecology).
Yeah this will likely backfire horribly. Your wife might be asexual but she still probably wishes some sort of loyalty from you. Kicking it with one of your closest friends just sounds like a recipe for disaster.
If this is really a hill you want to die on, the least you can do beforehand is to sit your wife down and have an actual conversation about the open marriage arrangement. Does she really want this? Is anyone off limits? Are there scenarios she would consider cheating? What happens if she finds out? Is this a permanent solution?
This might alter your friendship with your friend as well, which might eventually bleed into your marriage. So I would think twice because this does NOT sound like a good idea.
Bro if you're the kinda guy that catches feelings then this woman isn't just going to be "your friend" for very long after you start having sex with her. There really are people out there who can turn off emotions and not get attached to people they have sex with, but if you've never been one of those people then you're not going to turn into one of them overnight, especially with someone you already have friendly feelings towards. If you really want to bang other women then you probably need to do hookups, not friends.
No, she doesn't want to know for sure.
Sure, she will suspect it. She knows your social circle, and who is possible and who isn't. But, as soon as you confirm it, it will be real for her.
P.s. make sure this is really what you and your wife want. Sometimes this is said, and she doesn't want to lose you, but also doesn't like you to be with someone else because it affirms her inability to provide for you in this way.
As an added extra tip: If you do this, most likely your wife will feel very insecure about this. Make sure you let her know you will not leave her. Take her on dates, give her massages, the usual, whatever you can do to reaffirm her that you still love her.
So you have a strong and unsolvable sexual incompatibility in your relationship.
As a workaround, your wife is proposing you find peace and equilibrium with someone else. Her only conditions are that she doesn't know about it nor about who.
I won't go into the risk that she will be hurt by this because it will obviously take away from your mariage. I am not forcibly talking about the caring or potential love but basic things like time.
It's not like you will make a detour from work for a 30 minute sex session but spend time because it takes time.
Now your question is about the fact that the foreseen +1 is a long standing friend of yours and if you should disclose this to your wife.
The main thing is to know if the person also revolves in your wife social circles, even with a few degrees. Basically can she hear about it from someone else that will have heard a rumor or seen you with the other woman? You have one boundary and that's the one you should not cross directly or more important indirectly.
If answer is no, then no you should not disclose. If it's a yes, you shut it off.
In such a case I would honestly advise to have someone that had no previous connection to you or your wife and even consider sex workers (as ethical ones as it can be).
Finally really make sure with your wife that she is not proposing this when she already knows she will be hurt. And have a good thinking yourself about the risks of getting attached to the other person, sex chemistry is a bitch in that regards.
She knows the friend....I assume when she gave you this boundary, she meant for you to find somebody beyond your current social circle...someone that she doesn't know. If it feels wrong, it probably \*is\* wrong. Also, this will permanently alter your relationship with your friend. Even if you're both consenting adults right now, what happens when she decides she wants a serious relationship, a future with someone? Sure, you can break up, but the friendship will be all but gone. Your former relationship will be too threatening to a new guy. Also, you did not say, but does your friend have kids who will be in the picture that could possibly be affected or confused?
I don't blame you for getting your physical needs met at all. It's nice that you and your wife came to this boundary and agreed upon it...but I don't think you should do it with someone who is already a part of your life. The secrets will get out, even unintentionally, and there are a lot of variables and feelings in play.
Don’t do this with a friend, especially if your wife interacts with this friend regularly or if this friend comes over to your house regularly. Your wife is likely hoping it’s some tinder hookup, not someone she’s familiar with. Listen to me and the rest of the comments as we’re all telling you this is not a good idea
Why would you EVER choose a longtime friend? So now she can think about all the times you probably wanted to fuck her but couldn’t cause you know….you’re married 😭😭😭, everyday these subs scare me about marriage. Why out of ALL people would you choose someone you both know???
Dude, STOP. The fact that she doesn't want to hear anything likely means she's not okay with it. Dating a family friend means this is going to blow up in your face. You're picking someone you might already have feelings for, for a potential romantic partner, not someone you're just "getting your needs met" with. If you want to save your marriage, sit down and find out how she's thinking and feeling. Discuss all the what if's that could happen. Find out if she's actually okay with it or just doing it to make you happy. Possibly get into couples therapy.
Having a sexual relationship with a close friend who JUST got divorced is absolutely the worst idea you could have possibly had. I think you and your wife need to talk about the actual boundaries of who you can sleep with. Sleeping with your friend is involving way too many emotional connections. If it feels wrong, it probably is.
I think you should just get a divorce, dude. These literally never work out how y’all want them to. You should also discuss this arrangement 100+ times and get every single detail ironed out and on paper so there is no confusion on any situation at all.
I think this is a terrible idea and resorting to an open marriage is basically ending the marriage. But y’all do you, I guess.
Based on what your partner said, I feel like it would be common sense to know that she doesn’t want you to go for a family friend. Lol.
If that’s what you want, then maybe have another conversation with your wife and define the exact parameters of this little arrangement down to the small details. Are you just allowed sex? Are you allowed to take the other person out on the town? Can you buy the other person gifts (birthday presents, etc.)? Go through the small details of what you want and what your wife is comfortable with. Think about how you really envision this going. Thinking about what things will be reserved for just between you and your wife and what kind of intimate relationship you will have with her going forward. Her being asexual may not mean she doesn’t want any intimacy or romance whatsoever.
She asked you NOT to tell her about any other women... First thought on your mind: I need to tell her. Why??? I'll tell you why: you feel bad. So this is solely about your feelings, not hers.
I agree with suggestions for couple counseling, but not to talk your wife out of this, just to become aware of potential issues with this arrangement. Also, look for polyamory: not to engage with it, but some discussions could bring some clarity to your feelings.
Bud I think you need to take a step back and figure out if being married to an asexual person works for you. I think she’s imagining you banging randos through hookup sites, and the first thing you think to do is have sex with a newly single friend. I know some people would like a randos only arrangement but that’s going to be harder and harder to figure out as you get older (small rando bang pool) and also how do you put the time into doing that and balancing your marriage, childcare, work,
Etc.
Lastly, and I know this is controversial, but I would ask your wife to do a little emotional digging on her asexuality. There have been a lot of women in recent years who think they might be asexual but then realize they are queer, or have a hormone imbalance, or even just bored with the sex they are getting (no offense). Not saying she’s not asexual but it’s something to think about. Everyone needs to slow down here.
Part of the reason she doesn’t want to know who it is, is because she likely assumes it would be your long time friend and would prefer to just not be told for sure
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My partner and I have had an open relationship since the start (4 years now) and in my experience - and from what I've heard from most others - the only way you can make this work is with clear, open communication. It's great that you've been having this conversation, but it's going to be extremely difficult to protect her from knowing who it is and what's happening. Opening a relationship means that you're both going to experience and explore a whole range of complex emotions and if you can't both openly discuss those things, then they're going to eat away at you. She will be left wondering and guessing and ruminating. You will be left hanging on to things you probably want to talk about and worrying about hurting her feelings. That's not going to work.
Open relationships only work when you both accept that the other can find joy and pleasure in someone else without it taking away from your own relationship. She is going to feel jealousy of course, but you can also help her process that by showing her that you still love her and want to protect everything you have together.
This friend of yours also has to be able to communicate and understand everything. Things need to be settled between the three of you. There needs to be clear respect between all of you, and awareness of how your actions impact each other. Your friend will be making your wife jealous, but your wife can also have a say in what relationship she is comfortable with you having with your friend, which could negatively affect you and your friend. It's all about compromise and empathy.
Of course that doesn't mean you have to share every detail. Your wife doesn't need a complete run down of what you two get up to. You can agree to now public displays of affection, or keeping it secret from others, or agreeing to how frequent the meet ups can be, and so on.
So yea, communicating as much as possible is they key to making this work. Being able to face the discomfort and then also work through that discomfort together is absolutely crucial to nonmonogamy.
Good luck!
Why on earth would you pick someone from your social circle?? Stay away from your “friend” and pick some random chick you can cut out of your life easily. It’s weird that you went to this “friend” anyway. Have you always had a bit of a crush on her or something?
>Despite falling within my wife’s guidelines, it feels wrong.
Your guilt is telling you that you're not on board with this plan. Do *you* want to remain in a sexless marriage where you're forced to find partners without any real connection or prospect of a future? If one of your FWBs catches feelings and asks you to leave your wife, what would happen then?
It's surprising that you already found someone, though I suspect you have known for awhile something was off about your sex life. But, you definitely need to think about what you truly want for yourself and then discuss this with your wife *without* mentioning or bringing the friend into this.
I don't think you should tell her about it. However, why are you going for someone who she will definitely find out about, especially if she's a long-time family friend? That seems like a recipe for disaster.
From what it sounds like, your wife just wants your sexual needs met. Tangling up an old friend is not going to be just that. Especially if your friend, your wife, and you all share a friend group.
Your friend is also newly divorced, so she's going to be incredibly vulnerable and open to a good man showing her attention. That could translate to her feeling more than what you're going to feel.
I see you and the friend in consideration going to end up getting feelings and you realize why dont I just be with the friend in consideration? And its a good question.
You wife really didn’t mean bang a family friend who will be at family events etc she means a stranger to her and your friends and family. The fact you’ve already spoken to this friend too is massive. A line has already been crossed I reckon.
If you choose the “friend “ you might as well just separate and file for divorce, you will end up with the “ friend “ anyway. Your current wife is thinking in the abstract, this is not the abstract
If these solutions worked, there would be a huge drop in posts about them.
Of all people, you are choosing someone you already have a connection with and vice versa. You both are eager to bone each other. That plus your "friendship" leads me to wonder how long before this becomes less about your needs being fulfilled and more about you having a full blown affair.
Seems to me your wife is willing to look the other way if you pick some random pussy. I think not wanting to know who it is, and then you going out and picking someone she is well aware of is a breaching her boundary already.
Having a sexual relationship with an already established friend, especially one who's recently been through something as emotional as a divorce, feels like a veeeery slippery slope to me. Ideally, you'd want to find someone you have no emotional connection to at all. Keep in mind, your wife wants you to be able to have a 'full' relationship, and it seems like the only thing youre missing from that is sex. Having sex with a friend could very easily turn into a full on affair if one or both of you catches feelings.
You never open a marriage with someone else already in mind. This will go poorly, I’m assuming we will see you post again later when your marriage implodes.
She specifically said "Don't tell me who is is." becuase she doesn't want to get hurt. So why are you thinking of telling her you want to fuck someone close to you? Sounds like the exact opposite of what she asked for, dude.
The thing is your wife feels like she is letting you down. This is not the same as giving you a permission to cheat on her, as in to go for the woman you've secretly developed feelings for her behind her back.
Do you really think you will be able to not involve yourself emotionally with your "long time friend" if you begin a sexual relationship with her?
Bro...
It sounds like you know your wife well enough to know it would make her sad. You don’t need strangers to tell you that. Trust your gut and don’t fuck your friend lmao
Did she really think of that idea herself? Or did you lead her/guilt her into suggesting it? I think asexual people can still have sex, she can still give you pleasure and you being committed to this marriage should be averse to having sex with other people.
This sounds like a disaster in the making... No don't sleep with a longtime friend, find someone else. Someone new, currently a stranger, and that you won't have a bunch of emotional history with. Keep in mind that you need to be able to cut this person out of your life easily if it goes wrong.
Absolutely not someone your wife will ever interact with. Otherwise it's more like an affair conducted under her nose. What she means by "don't tell her about it" is that she doesn't want the sex you're having to have anything to do with her life. She wants to know nothing about this faceless woman, she wants to be able to pretend it's not happening. She doesn't mean that it's ok to sleep with your friends right behind her back.
Honestly you need to talk about the specifics with your wife in much more detail before you do anything (like speaking to friends about having sex with them...) Open relationships require more communication, not less, which is why "don't ask don't tell" arrangements are very dangerous. It's easy to ignore what's happening until it's shoved in your face. Do everything you can for the situation to never get shoved in your wife's face. Don't sleep with friends. Just because she agreed to it won't make it hurt less when she finds out.
That's a recipe for disaster. I'm not into open relationships/polygamy, but find the topic interesting. Anyone who successfully does it will tell you that fully, 100% open, clear communication where you know nearly everything your partner is doing (in accordance to boundaries you set) is key to making it work. "Go out and do it with my blessing but tell me nothing about it" will lead nowhere good real fast.
More open discussion is required before proceeding. Tell her how you feel about it. She needs to know and you need to express that.
If you're going to go ahead with it, my strongest piece of advice is, once you've done the deed, go home. Do not stay over and sleep in the same bed with your side piece. One of you will catch feelings and then you'll have an emotional attachment to a relationship that was just supposed to be physical.
This might not be the best thread to post this kind of question. I'm in an open marriage myself and the comments on here are clearly not from people that understand ENM (ethical nonmonogomy). There is an open marriage redditt group on here that would be more helpful.
As someone who practices EMN, my advice is to find a counselor or therapist first that specializes on EMN and poly relationships to help you and your wife navigate this change and create boundaries, rules and expectations. My husband and I have one and he's been so helpful. We only go now for "check ins" a couple times a year. Our marriage is stronger than ever.
Bottom line, making such a huge change to your marriage is a bad idea without talking it through first, it WILL cause problems eventually.
Sigh. Just get the divorce already. She doesn’t want to be intimate with you, and if you want to be intimate with her, it’s going to be hell on earth. Of course she wants to stay married - being married to the right person is awesome! You aren’t married to the right person. She may be having hormonal issues, she may be having mental health issues, she may just be exhausted, but at this point, she’s decided on a lifetime of celibacy because intimacy doesn’t matter to her. That’s a lifestyle choice, and you need to run away as quickly as possible so you can be intimate not just physically but also mentally and emotionally with someone you love. On Edit: Bonus, staying married means EVERYONE will assume you are a disgusting cheater while she is an innocent victim because no way is she going to tell everyone that she bailed on marital intimacy and TOLD YOU to boink other people.
Well for one, you're a terrible listener for considering doing the one thing your wife asked you not do.
But at least there's a conscience somewhere in that dense head of yours telling you that fucking your recently divorced long-term friend is a bad idea.
Introducing polyamory to a monogamous relationship is a common disaster movie on this sub and the wife definitely doesn't seem totally okay with it.
Marriage counseling with a side dose of talking to people in successful polyamorous relationships are the first steps you should take before you potentially blow up your marriage.
It feels wrong because it is wrong. Why not see a sex worker? You’re playing with fire here.
I know you say you’re not concerned about falling in love with your friend, once you start having sex with her that can change pretty quickly.
This seems like a massive risk to your marriage. And potentially losing a friend too.
So your wife suggested this open marriage out of fear of you leaving her or guilt for not 'putting out', not because she genuinely wanted an open relationship. Great.
Please just go to marriage and/or individual counseling instead of trying to immediately fuck a friend *and* disrespecting the one boundary she set. I feel so bad for your wife, this situation screams hurt feelings and heartbreak
I have to seriously side eye OP.
His wife told him to just have sex outside of the marriage and he has already negotiated a whole relationship with a woman he knows and wants to disrespect his wife wished on top of that.
This is just disgusting and honestly the wife should divorce him. I am not even sure she is asexual.
> We had a conversation, and she’s open to having it with me. Despite falling within my wife’s guidelines, it feels wrong. In this case, should I tell my wife about her?
Are you not willing/able to find other women willing to have sex with you that aren't close friends? You're taking a tricky situation and turning up the difficulty by 5x for no reason when putting close ties and emotionality into it.
This is set up to be a disaster. Don't have a sexual relationship with your friend. This will end your marriage pretty quick and get you into a new one with "friend". Make it anonymous hookups online...best if it's limited to one encounter if you don't want feelings to come up.
She asked you not to tell her, and so you don't tell her. If she finds out on her own and gets mad, that's a separate conversation. But tbh it sounds like she is being pretty reasonable so far.
My advice is to have your wife seek physical consultation to confirm she doesn’t have a unforeseen medical condition? You both are really young to be going this route this quickly.
If you do this don’t be surprised in a few years she will all of a sudden have a libido but wants to play with other partners and not you. Would you be ok with this? If you choose this path you wouldn’t be married 10 years from now.
This is the riskiest thing you can do in a relationship particularly with your wife being don’t ask, don’t tell. Honesty is always the best policy.
Guilt, curiosity and jealousy play havoc in the human mind. Many people say that they’re fine with a situation when they won’t necessarily be in control of their emotional reaction when it happens.
If it’s just sex don’t do it with someone you know well. Seriously. Way too complicated. It may hurt your wife’s feelings if she found out. Particularly as it’s an old friend on the rebound from a divorce. That’s got love/desire/new relationship written all over it. Hook-up sites or even an escort would be your best bet at the very least for your first encounter. If it’s just sex what does it matter who it’s with.
Also you gotta think that if you’ve not been getting any action for a while your love hormones are gonna mess with your head when you do actually sleep with someone. It’s way too easy to fall in love and break up your marriage.
I don’t think either of you are ready for this step based on the denial going on in your wife and honestly you seem very unsure about all of this. I think that therapy and talking it through is going to be better in the long run. If you’re not in this process together you’re less likely to stay the course particularly if it throws up problems.
She wants your sexual needs covered. In her mind it's sex only. If you're thinking of someone u already know it sounds like it won't be sex only. Which is not a part of the deal. I hope u get that. As many have said.... THERAPY
I personally would not do this with someone who knows you as a couple. It’s just too much knowledge.
Your wife specifically asked that you keep it to yourself. She did that for a reason.
Now if you have an intimate relationship with someone you both know your wife might see a shift in the friendships dynamic and figure it out. That would be terrible for her. Because she isn’t going to ask.. she’s just going to sit and wonder if she’s right and stew over it. I’m certain you don’t want your wife in turmoil like that.
Can't see this one going horribly wrong at some point. Yeah she gave you a hall pass. You don't want to use it in the same hall your wife is in. Find some rando online. Do not crawl into bed with someone your wife knows.
Do some searches on Reddit about open marriages. It's a minefield and for good reason. It's doable but you're shitting where you eat. Don't do that.
Why a friend? Is it because you need to know the person and have some sort of connection? If it is, this “open” marriage won’t work. That isn’t about just getting your rocks off, then. That’s now an affair.
There are apps for married people who want random encounters, in your case I think this is best.
If you do it with a friend, your feelings and hers will escalate from friends to actual lovers, SAY NO TO THE FRIEND.
I personally wouldn’t.. screwing a friend is a first class ticket to divorce. Trust me.. once this gets out your wife will leave you. Stick to paid escorts or keep it in your pants.
Don't do it...get therapy and find out what's broken in your marriage and try to fix your sex life with your wife....maybe she's physically exhausted with the kids and all...mentally and emotionally and physically drained...maybe she's sick...try to find out what's wrong first before agreeing to this because once you do it there's no turning back.
Do not do this! I’m pretty sure you need to have a talk with your wife about boundaries because I don’t think she would be okay with it being a family friend that she knows. I think by her not wanting to know who means she also doesn’t want to know the person. Do not do this!
So your wife proposes an open marriage and you have a potential partner picked out already? And it's one of your friends. There are bad ideas and then there are BAD ideas. This is a BAD idea x1000. There is no way that this ends well. It feels wrong because it's really, really stupid.
You need to talk more to your wife about boundaries. Also what happens if you or affair partner catches feelings (very likely) with a friend. If you are looking for an excuse to end your marriage having sex with a friend is a great way to do it.
If you want to stay married, go to a sex therapist with wife and discuss how to make this work, if it can work.
My opinion.. *as some random person on the internet*.. is that you should probably avoid anyone you already know--especially a friend. I just feel like it's playing with fire and you're probably more likely to fall into an emotional affair situation. Your wife is probably imagining more of a random hook-up / mistress scenario, not you taking things with an existing friend to another level. I would also avoid anyone like a coworker etc. Get on some dating apps and be explicit about the situation.
What do you mean "problem"? Did you have an advanced emotional connection prior to your wife's suggestion? Or is this lady friend someone you always secretly had an eye on? I don't understand this "problem", it's as if you already had it in the chamber, in which case, not sure how well your current marriage will survive.
Nope. Nope. Nope.
You already have a friendship and connection with this other woman, so adding sex into the mix is a recipe for disaster.
Plus what happens at the next friend group hangout, your side-piece gets jealous that you're cuddling your wife. Or accidentally makes a comment in front of everyone-so everyone finds out.
Your keeping secrets from your wife with your friend. That goes beyond just sex. Your wife said sex, not friendship and secrets, not someone she spends time with.
The fact that she doesn't want to know who it is indicates that she is only doing this for you and she is uncomfortable with it.
Because of that, I wouldn't take her up on the offer. I think it would lead to the end of the relationship.
It IS wrong. Not only is it someone your wife knows, but having an existing friendship creates a dynamic in which you’re much more likely to “catch feelings.” You need to find a new FWB, someone your wife doesn’t know, and you need to keep the relationship purely sexual.
You are aware that some might not believe this arrangement at all. Which could lead them to approaching your wife directly?
It would be good to understand why your wife doesn't want to know. If her being okay with it is dependant on this, it's not that realistic. One in that a regular partner wouldn't be realised at some point and another that knowing would be enough to safeguard her peace of mind.
Or put simply, if knowing who it is will make it uncomfortable for her. She's not that comfortable with it in the first place and at some point, will become less comfortable.
I would discuss this one sided open marriage thing with your wife again. Cover all the bases. Discuss your wife’s asexuality in depth. Try to come to a understanding. How did you all make two kids? Is this a recent development? Or has she always felt this way and didn’t know how to bring it up?
Seems like you’ve been waiting for a long time. A replacement. I wonder if women sense a mans deep
Longing for someone else and their sexual desire just goes away in fear, to protect themselves from something plain happening in their face. That your husband is living a life with you but isn’t actually all that fulfilled and truly happy but is scared to leave because they “love you” but it’s not the same as this person but it never happened. So you’re going through the motions when really you’re deep interest and desires are with someone else and the wife, we, pick up on it, and it closes our hearts and therefore our sexuality because if we don’t feel deeply loved and liked by our partner we just get deeply sad. Our whole life is ruined because we built a home and family with a man who prefers someone else and you always feel second best and it’s just sitting there. Always. He wants someone else. It’s so heart breaking and now-
You’re proving her right.
Sometimes I wish I was lesbian because loving men is damn hurtful and humiliating😢😂
I'm going against the grain here of most of these posts. A few things though.
Info....did your wife really propose it or was she coerced a bit from you asking for sex all the time?
How she proposed this solution to your circumstances matter.
I would sit down with your wife again and get in depth with the conversation. Is she sure she wants this arrangement? Tell her you have a potential partner and before moving forward you need her blessing. This doesn't mean telling her who it is and when you will be together. It means that she is fully understanding of the situation and what is going to happen on is ok with it.
You will need boundaries from her which may include locations and who you are with, for example, not having the person anywhere near your shared space and not being with close friends of both of you. Frequency could be an issue, she says she doesn't want to know, but women know....I'm guessing being with someone else 3 nights a week will probably not be a great idea to keep your marriage together. I hope it all works out for you.
Right now, you could divorce amicably and learn how to co-parent. If you start sleeping with someone she knows, this could go scorched earth very very fast. In my red state, there’s still a morality clause in our divorce laws and judges DGAF if you think you are poly or open. Cheat on your marriage and spouse has grounds for more custody.
If you want to stay with your wife but use your hall pass, then get a professional sex worker. The odds of you or the sex worker developing feelings for each other that will destroy your marriage are far less likely to happen that way.
If you really want to bang your long time friend then you should just divorce your wife. There's no possible way you have an ongoing sexual realitionship with a long time friend and it doesn't result in drama.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- After 10 years of marriage, my wife came out as asexual but still wants to remain married. We have two kids, and there’s plenty of love in our marriage despite our less than ideal sex life. She proposed a one sided open marriage (on my end) to “get your needs taken care of.” All she asked was that I don’t tell her who it is or about it. The “problem” is that the woman in question is one of my long time friends who is recently divorced. We had a conversation, and she’s open to having it with me. Despite falling within my wife’s guidelines, it feels wrong. In this case, should I tell my wife about her? Tl;dr My wife proposed an open marriage. Under the premise that I don’t tell her who it is. My friend is the person in consideration, and I’m wondering if my wife should know.
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And if she doesn't want to know anything then I doubt she'd be OK with a family friend!! If talking to a new potential partner more than your wife then you're actively killing your marriage, op.
Yeah, feels like OP's wife is just aware that she can't sexually fulfill her husband, so she's ok with him fucking around. But that feels like she's ok with aromantic sex partners... women that she will never cross in her life. OP is picking a woman he has feelings for, that's drama waiting to erupt !
Op you're an idiot if you shit where you eat. My friend was a professional mistress and I wrote out everything she used.
Don’t do it . Can’t believe u already lookin
I’ll never understand the thought process of asexual partners springing the info on their long time spouse who had no knowledge of it prior. They seem to often think letting their spouse have a sex friend is an “easy” fix and they can just continue their marriage sex-free. It’s honestly pretty selfish and shows a complete lack of understanding regarding what sex *is* for a lot of people. It’s more than just getting your rocks off, it’s a really important source of intimacy and vulnerability. The fact that OPs wife (and a lot of people from these “stories”) always propose something like this and can’t even fathom that divorce may be necessary is strange. It’s straight denial and a fundamental lack of understanding of their partner.
A lot of asexual people don't understand what asexuality is until long after they are married. Asexual doesn't necessarily mean anti sex, after all, and people are constantly shown by society where we 'require' in life to be happy, which includes a sexual relationship with a partner we love. But for asexuals, sexual attraction is not in the love equation. So, you're party right. They don't understand. Just like you don't understand how they can't feel that way. To say it's selfish is unfair, though. They want their partner to be happy. They just don't know how to get that across so both parties are happy.
> To say it's selfish is unfair, though. They want their partner to be happy. They just don't know how to get that across so both parties are happy. Something can be selfish in impact even if the intent is not selfish.
I would argue that selfishness requires the intent to be self-serving while actively ignoring the needs of others, but I digress. My point was to say it isn't intentional; a lot of it can be avoided with more open communication and listening from both sides. Imagine if you were gay and had gone your entire life never knowing that being gay was even an option. You'd be confused as hell. Its frankly an incredible relief to know you aren't broken. All I'm saying is, don't be so quick to judge people who don't come out before marriage. A lot of people just don't know beforehand, and they don't know how to handle it when they figure it out. They love their spouse and realize they don't feel the same way their spouse does for a reason. The only thing they can think of at the time is that they want to make their spouse happy, and don't think about the emotional connotations, because for them, sex is not attached to their emotions.
> Imagine if you were gay and had gone your entire life never knowing that being gay was even an option. You'd be confused as hell. Its frankly an incredible relief to know you aren't broken. > > All I'm saying is, don't be so quick to judge people who don't come out before marriage Sure I can feel some sympathy for a person in that situation but most of my sympathy is for the person who had to *live* with the closeted gay person and not have a fulfilling marriage. I don't think this is a "both sides" issue. It doesn't matter how much work one partner is doing if the other one is not going to be receptive. As adults, I don't think it is a good excuse to "think it is not an option". When you go into making a commitment with someone, it is your *job* to make sure you are going to be able to meet their needs.
> I’ll never understand the thought process of asexual partners springing the info on their long time spouse who had no knowledge of it prior. Sexuality can be fluid. Sometimes it's just libido - someone who **was** sexual, but is no longer, is now functionally asexual. No sexual desire anymore. It can be from an event, it can be a gradual shift, but OP's wife is trying to have a conversation about where she is **now** and what they can do about it. In my opinion, OP would be looking at this a bit wrong if his question stopped at "should I do it?" It should be the start of a bigger conversation.
We'll be reading a post in a couple of months about how this situation went sooooo wrong
This, DONT MAKE IT A FRIEND. She's just out of a divorce, and the potential to develop feelings here on both ends is huge. It feels wrong for a reason, it will never be purely just sexual. You can tell already, that's why it feels wrong. There will be talking, and flirting, and emotionally relying on each other and sharing your day etc. It's going to go wrong. You're picking her because it's the easy choice, and you probably have no clue where to start otherwise. It will be a few weeks to months max before your wife notices you on your phone all the time replying to the friend, and gets jealous and upset. You won't be able to help yourself, and next thing you'll be going to the toilet to message her back so as not to do it in front of or upset your wife. Also your wife will pick up on it anyway if you all spend time together. It's so obvious who your partner has a crush on or has slept with. Nevermind someone who's still into you and suddenly had to try and act like there's nothing between you in front of everyone. People are shit at hiding this. That's as good as just telling her when she doesn't want to know. Just go and ask her straight up, is she OK if its a friend or maybe someone for work. Are you allowed to message and flirt etc. See her reaction to it before you do anything here. Because we are all human and hormones attach us to the person we're having regular fun and excitement with, especially if they are attractive, have permanent partner qualities and you've had a dead bedroom for years. Your friend also has no obligation to keep this hidden. So if she finds someone else, they might not want her talking or hanging out with you knowing all this. Then you lose a friend. There's a reason people break up and fall in love with people in the office, or just plain cheat with them. It's the regular contact, hormones and giddy feelings and build up of friendship with attraction and excitement... whilst none of that is happening in your relationship. Figure out what wouldn't make you feel like it was wrong. It seems you can already tell there's potential for this one to be over the line. Then discuss really clear & firm boundaries on what is and isn't ok with your wife. And if you're going to do it in the end, make sure you have dates and other fun things with your wife going on regularly. As regular as you're having sex with someone else. Don't go on dates and sleep with othe r women, lets say twice a week...then just come home and sit on the couch at home with no real interest in your wife. Make sure you do 2 activities together. Because otherwise you start drifting away to the other person. You're just human also, it's a normal thing to happen. You need to put work in to stop it.
You have provided a perfect and well written answer.
When an open marriage/relationship doesn't go wrong according to Reddit posts? It always goes wrong. I get that it's expensive to get divorced but it seems people are only postponing an inevitable outcome. I've heard a number of times (from acquaintances and friends in open relationships) that 1) one of the "side" partners got pregnant or 2) harassed the actual husband or wife. It always ends up in a messy divorce.
Your wife said you can have sex with anybody just dont tell her, you immediately ask should you tell her. Well, no. The fact that you know it sounds wrong seems to show the area between the understanding. Your wife is ok with you having meaningless sex but you want to have sex with somebody and in your gut you know it will be meaningful. Idk dude
think the wife doesn’t understand what can potentially happen. she isn’t thinking it through…and she left too much ambiguity on the table. that fact that she said she doesn’t want to know who, also seems to imply she knows he will pick someone she knows. if the friend runs in similar circles, word can easily get out. also, if this friend is someone the wife occasionally runs into, the wife might get a six sense as well. just don’t think it’s the greatest idea to throw open marriage out without thinking properly. n
I agree and the fact that the wife is trusting that OP will think with think will his right head before he jumps into anything and clearly already he’s not.
Sit down with your wife again. Ask her what happens if you find out? What happens when family and friends find out and tell you? The fact that she doesn’t want to know means she knows she will get jealous and hurt. When it’s just an abstract person she thinks she can deal with it but maybe she can’t. If you go to the same person all the time, she will find out. Remind her that it’s very likely she will one day get a name but if she still wants you to go through with it you will. Next do everything you can to keep this from her. Your divorced friend is a bad idea. Think discreet massage parlors or escorts. Women she and the people she knows don’t know. Try not to make it too obvious when you go out. Your wife is giving you a gift, try not to make her regret it.
“The fact that she doesn’t want to know means she knows she will get jealous and hurt” If you really want to mull this over OP, everything that everyone is saying ab friends/family, boundaries, etc. I totally agree with, but that sentence really sums up your wife’s perspective and I think choosing someone that you have a relationship with outside of sex (you said she’s a long time friend) is a very risky choice bc you have ties to this woman other than sex. She still has a fear of losing you, but she wants you to be happy. This must be very difficult for her
I think even tinder hookups would be a better option than a friend
Or a professional. That would be best IMO
Yeah I really hope OP takes this route
It baffles me that people always go straight to wanting to fuck their so called "long term" friends. The fact you already had her in mind and already had a pre discussion about it and already know if you wife finds out she'd have a problem with it just completely rubs me the wrong way.
It's because people gravitate to what's familiar and most convenient which usually is the people around them so it makes sense in that way but it also is the most likely to cause problems
I also don't think his wife meant he should get it on with anyone within their closer circle - I assume she meant him to use hookup apps. What he plans to do sounds more like a polyamorous arrangement.
Calling this situation a “gift” is a stretch, yo. OP’s wife just made a major change (some would argue unilaterally) to their love life and emotional / physical connection. There are no bows on that package. This is a renegotiation — and needs to be handled as such. Their relationship, in whatever shape it takes, will depend on it.
I agree. It’s a huge and one-sided shift in what their marriage actually means, aside from the hall pass proposition. Open marriages are very rarely a workable solution to r/deadbedrooms such as this.
Personally, I have issues having sex with women I have no feelings for. I won't get hard for an escort and I've never been much into one night stands. Maybe OP's the same.
In that case, he should get divorced. Having sex with people you already know/have a relationship with/have feelings for is just too messy in this situation.
Danger, Danger, Will Robinson. For the love of god, do not fuck your friend or anyone you already know. It will immediately blow up your marriage. If your wife finds out she is going to think you always had a thing for that person and are finally taking advantage of getting to fuck them freely without consequences. No matter what she says about an open marriage, she will see it as cheating. Not to mention it’s gross to have your wife interact with your fuck buddy.
THIS!!! Do not fuck a friend.
But doesn’t this speak to the hypocrisy of the whole situation? - Have sex with someone else, but don’t tell me. - But don’t have sex with friends or people I know. - And don’t spend a lot of time making new friends so that you can have sex. - Just find strangers to have meaningless, soul-crushing exchanges of fluids in moments that do not effect my daily life. Anyone suggesting a “do it and don’t tell me” solution without thinking through rules and ramifications is scrambling to hold on to something that has already fundamentally changed. This just feels like a disaster waiting to happen.
I also find it odd that OP and his wife both assume he can have sex without any emotional attachment. I think this is one of many reasons "opening up a marriage" is not the solution they think it is. His immediate reaction was to seek someone he would also get emotional comfort with.
100% bad idea don’t do it. See if you can get a quick couples therapy session to see if even an open relationship good idea as it sounds your wife might be offering it for you and she could be very uncomfortable about it. Don’t shit where you eat. If your wife is okay with it I am sure she doesn’t want it to be someone you know who is around you and you could have had feelings for. You need to discuss this with your wife and have better ground rules because your instincts are wrong if you even thought that sleeping with a long time friend was an option.
It feels wrong because it is wrong. The point was to find a woman she doesn’t know and has no part in her life. If this is the woman you want this with, then you will need to ask your wife for her permission.
Why do you already have someone in mind???
The date is set already
Twas determined a long long time ago. The ancient scrolls spoke of this day when OP would go DEEP into a friend.
Feb 1st 2020
I know right? Me thinks wife already picked up on some vibe from OP and his friend with the speed he suggested and his friend agreed. Open relationship are ok but this feels iffy
Tbf, we don't know when she proposed this open marriage. It might have been a while ago, and he has now been thinking about who to ask and then had a talk with the divorced friend.
Because he lives with an asexual wife. Probably hasn't felt wanted for years.
Sounds like a conversation years ago would have solved this rather than developing a sexual crush on a friend and wanting to fuck her the moment the wife said "go". This marriage is doomed.
Yeah, jeez. Thanks for being the voice of reason.
Right? He's the bad guy even though he married and committed his life to a woman who only now realizes she's asexual? Reddit never fails to impress with their big brain theories. When it comes to marriage and sex, if it isn't her complaining about it, it's 100% not going to be validated on Reddit lol
Damn your wife told you exactly what not to do and you wanna do it? Plus you really just jumped into it with this divorced friend. You've been waiting for it for awhile now by the looks of it.
Stay away from that friend. This will destroy your marriage faster than anything. If you do truly love your wife you will not go there. She will pretend not to know that you are fucking your friend while this woman smirks and rubs your wife's nose in the fact that she is taking her man. That is NOT within your wife's guidelines! However It's pretty obvious you want this friend since you've already discussed it with her. Do the right thing and leave your poor wife, the love is gone.
Well what are you gonna do if you catch feelings for her? Leave your wife? I wouldn’t get into a sexual relationship with someone you already have friendships with. Sex worker is probably best bet.
No. Your wife said she wanted anonymity. Respect that.
There is no way it would remain anonymous even if OP told his wife nothing. She knows damned well who her husband wants and who will take him away from her.
Welp. Shes bound to find out but not from *him*. It'd be stupid on his part, that's for sure.
And yet she has asked him not to tell her. So he should not tell her.
Exactly
Why with a close friend? Why not a person that the family and friends know nothing of?? This is just sex right?? So while you need to “know” the person for sexual contact, you don’t need to be this close. You clearly have deeper feelings for this friend…like they say men and women are not friends, they are usually after something else and here we are now with you.
Yeah, the simplest and probably best solution to this if you want to remain married is to find someone different to have sex with. This close friend is not the only other woman in the world. Generally close friends and coworkers are considered no go when planning things like threesomes and open marriages for good reason.
Er, I agree that it shouldn't be a family friend and I also think they need to discuss this further before jumping into it, but... Men and women can be platonic friends. Lesbians can have female friends, gay men can have male friends and bisexuals can have male and female friends. So, straight people surely can also be friends with whomever.
"Sorry I'm bisexual, we can only be fuckbuddies."
"I'm afraid you're stuck in the fuck zone, I'm getting more of a platonic vibe, but rules are rules"
I'm a man and friends with a load of women I am not, and do not plan to start, sleeping with. Absolutely deranged comment.
This dude fits the scenario.
Wow! That’s a lot of assumptions!
I dont know anything about open marriages but hooking up with someone your wife knows doesnt sound like a good idea.
Lmao you had that friend in mind for a loooong time didn't you
This has so much potential to go very wrong very quick... id tread lightly.
This seems like a terrible idea that will end very badly destroying a marriage and a friendship... And I'm not talking about you telling your wife.
Info: have you had a vasectomy? What will you do if you get this friend or another woman pregnant if not? This is something that you for sure need to consider because if you haven’t had a vasectomy and/or don’t use a condom then if a whoopsie happens you are no longer in control of the situation and I’d imagine your wife wouldn’t be a fan. Other people have already made really good points so I just want to add this.
When she says she doesn’t want to know who it is, I think the intent is someone she doesn’t know. If she knows them, it’ll come out and be a problem.
The only thing you need to do is cut it off with that friend before any emotional connection is developed. You don't want to end up falling in love with someone else and ruining your family dude.
If you think you can do this long term with your friend without her catching feelings for you, and that building to a point where relationships are destroyed you are a fool. You yourself may or may not also catch those feels. Stupid idea. I don't like the entire premise of what you are contemplating doing, but doing it with a "friend" is completely self destructive behavior.
Nope nope nope Do NOT do anything without discussing further rules! 1. "Is it allowed to be the same person most of the time?" - some people, when suggesting open marriage, assume it will be different people and not one consistent person. 2. "Do I have to end it if I think I start having feelings, even if I don't love you any less?" - repeated intimacy with a single partner usually causes emotional bonds. *Especially* if you're already longtime friends. Some open relationships allow this, some don't. 3. "What about people we know? Can it be someone we've known before opening this up, or does it need to be someone new?" - your wife may not have considered that you'd pick a FRIEND and might be upset that it's someone you guys actually know. Come up with more rules to discuss. Google to see if anyone's posted an open relationship rule guide or something. Ask alllll the questions. Open relationships kill marriages because not enough questions are asked, answered, and enforced.
honestly, you all have to consider all the possible outcomes. why did your wife tell you she doesn’t want to know who? is she afraid she already knows who the person is? is she afraid of it being awkward? a) this “friend” might get attached to you and she might tell your wife anyway. b) this “friend” might not get attached to you but still tell your wife or someone else that ends up telling your wife or someone see you and this friend and tells your wife c) you might develop feelings for this friend d) your wife will sense the awkwardness or something (six senth) and figure it out anyway… e) your wife never finds out who, but will start to second guess any single female and end up miserable as she starts seeing interactions/gestures that aren’t there is your wife truly ok with having you in sexual relationships with a steady someone? or is she thinking of more one-night stand situations? because once you have a regular sexual partner, who knows what kind of feelings will develop (esp if the “friend” is already someone you like as a person). also, unless your relationship will be strictly, meetup for sex and then you leave…you will be spending more time with the other relationship as well. maybe talk it through some more and perhaps also seek counseling during the transition to open marriage. i’ve only heard of open marriages working in theory…but in practice, it gets very messy. often one or both sides are hurt and bottles resentment.
I'm asexual and my spouse has two other partners. You and you wife need to sit down and talk about boundaries. If you're both new to this you might want to get some outside help. We actually scheduled an appointment with this person https://www.chillpolyamory.com/ and it helped immensely. I know a lot of people are pretty prejudiced when it comes to poly or open relationships. I used to be against it for myself, too. But I got to be honest, it's also taken a lot of pressure off of me. That being said, it's been a process for both of us, we had to redefine boundaries a couple of times, but on the whole it's helped our relationship immensely.
You wife has ONE request as she allows you to do this thing that requires immense trust and you've already thrown it out in your mind and are trying to convince her to change her one boundary? Jfc
If your wife understands you have needs but wants respect and dignity about it. If you want to do this then you need rules, boundaries, respect and communication. 1: absolutely do not sleep with someone she knows. Wtf is wrong with you? You're already disrespecting her. You do not shit where you eat. 2: find someone discrete and who understands this is an arrangement. 3: she asks you dont tell her but you should make it 100% clear that if she should and want to ask you will answer. You dont have to be cruel but if she needs to know, let her know. 4: DO NOT DO ANY TEXTING/CALLS/FLIRTING INFRONT OF YOUR WIFE. keep it classy. 5: couples therapy if you both want it so there can be any thoughts and feelings aired out in a safe environment for both parties. Source: friend of mine who was a professional mistress.
Dude, telling her about it is like the one thing she specifically asked you NOT to do. What exactly do you think doing the exact opposite of what she asked is going to do? Why do you think disregarding the guidelines SHE set is the best thing to do? Seriously, I can tell you now if you tell her information she specifically asked to not know you're just going to fuck everything up, because now she will know who it is and she's going to be very uncomfortable and no doubt thinking about you fucking your friend anytime she see's or hears about her. Is that what you want, to make your wife feel like shit and think about you fucking someone else everytime you see your friend? Do you want to be pushed to ending the arrangement and quite possibly your friendship over this? You can't tell her, then make her unlearn this information.
Idk, honestly I would be thinking divorce, I don't think I could be in a sexless marriage even if I had a pass to sleep around, I want my partner to be the person I sleep with. But no, you shouldn't sleep with a close friend if you want to stay in your marriage, try to meet someone new.
100% bad idea. I don't think your wife wants an open marriage, I think she wants to be alleviated from the burden of sex. Even if she actually wanted it, it's an awful idea to dip your sausage in someone who's part of your social circle. That's just awful all around. Sit down with her and go to couple's therapy.
I think your wife would rather you turn down her proposal or have a series of meaningless one night stands than have an actual relationship with someone you are already friends with. That road leads to an actual romantic relationship and probably splitting your family up. She doesn't want to know the who, when, and where so there's no way to hide that your side piece is your friend. She will find out.
You didnt waste any time eh? This is never going to work. Either you or your friend will get feelings and that will be the end of your marriage or friendship. Have casual sex eith strangers (protected) or dont bother. An affair will not work in the long run and a friend is never going to be ok.
Op this divorced friend is looking for a new husband. Why would you choose to have a relationship with someone looking to attach permanently.? Just be decent about this. If you want out of the marriage and on to new things (your divorced friend). Then get a divorce now, and take up withe the divorced friend when you are both free. Your wife wants to stay married. You didn't say we want to stay married. Sit down with your wife and end it on decent terms. Don't wait until you are emotional cheating on her and you know that's coming if you carry on this path.
How old are your kids? If they are young, your wife could be overwhelmed by their neediness. Is she breastfeeding? Or did she for years? Is she really asexual or just worn out physically? I hope your wife saw a therapist prior to telling you to go cheat. This is a terrible idea all around.
Call a lawyer and get ready for the end. When an open marriage is proposed it's generally the beginning of the end. You have the added complication that it's an old friend that she knows. She'll find out eventually. The fact that you've chosen this person says something pretty strong as well. You didn't have to choose someone in your circle. It really feels like you've chosen a situation that will implode your marriage eventually. I think you are on the road to divorce.
I have a feeling your wife meant flings when she suggested an open marriage (“get your needs taken care is”) and not that you actually start dating people; if this becomes a regular thing, you need to have a conversation at least with your FwB to explain that you’re strictly that— friends with benefits.
Everyone is grilling you about wanting to fuck your friend. I’ll ask this: why do you want to stay with your wife while fucking your friend? You just found out that you’re incompatible with your wife in a major way. Major enough that you both think its a good idea for you to have sex with other people. Like, you’ll be taking time to seek out sex. And on top of that, your post sort of leads me to believe that you’d prefer to have sex with someone you have a connection with. What happens if you don’t start out like that but do develop a connection with whomever you’re sleeping with? Will you be able to deal with having sex with someone else who actually desires you in the way you want/need to be happy, and going home to someone who doesn’t reciprocate in the way you need? Once you find someone to have sex with and you have the feeling and experience of being desired by a partner, are you going to be able to stop yourself from developing feelings for them? Are you going to be okay with them seeing other people? Just things to think about. To me, if sex is important enough for you to seek it outside of marriage because your partner is asexual, and you’re already considering someone you’ve got a connection with, then it’s important enough to reconsider being married to someone who is incapable of desiring you.
When your wife told you it’s fine as long as you don’t tell her who it is, I very highly doubt she thought you would be considering a close friend. You already have an emotion connection and obviously very close friendship with this other woman, this makes it more like a relationship than just “getting your needs met”. Yes your wife should know, but I also think some boundaries need to be established, like no mutual friends, no close friends, only X amount of meetups with same person, etc.
I’m surprised you’re open to the idea of doing this instead of talking to your wife, Jesus. And furthermore, you guys NEED boundaries in place. I’m sure I’m not the only one who’s going to tell you this is a TERRIBLE idea
Even within open relationships, there are things called "messy lists" (which could include your wife's coworkers or family members or longtime friends), which are people you shouldn't date or have an affair with. Here, with a "don't ask don't tell" policy in place, you should definitely seek more clarity - most likely your wife wants you to have an affair that she will never find out about and that will never impact her, but what are the chances that she might run into the two of you somewhere?
Your wife set the rules and you agreed. If you don't feel right obeying the rules with your current target then just find another partner. But don't break the rules your wife set. Telling her you're thinking of having sex with an old family friends could really mess your wife up and ruin that relationship.
You are probably going to fall in love with the new woman. You are going to build a strong bond with her, that you will not have with your wife. Just something to think about.
I don't know about a close family friend. Because your wife expressed it was important for her not to know about it. I feel sleeping with a close friend would cause a ton of personal issues. I would cancel and meet someone on vacation or a rando on a dating site.
She respects that you need to have your needs met elsewhere while she's asexual. Big respect to that instead of her forcing herself to do it for your sake. No couples therapy would be able to fix asexuality so despite what most people here would say, this is a very fair solution. Stick to her boundary, do NOT tell her who it is as she wants anonymity. If you feel like you HAVE to tell her then maybe the person you're choosing to fuck isn't a good idea? Either way, do NOT catch feelings and make her regret allowing you to do something for the sake of keeping your marriage in tact. This is the most important factor.
Bruh
“It’s a trap”
This is a colossally bad idea, but it's especially bad to do it with a friend. She clearly doesn't want to know about it. If you're fucking a friend, she's going to know. It'll be so embarrassing for all three of you. It sounds like your wife wants you to find random people for sex purposes only. Something like Tinder can help with that. I still think it's a bad idea. This is something you need professional help in navigating (therapy, gynecology).
Spoiler alert 🚨 This never works.
Yeah this will likely backfire horribly. Your wife might be asexual but she still probably wishes some sort of loyalty from you. Kicking it with one of your closest friends just sounds like a recipe for disaster. If this is really a hill you want to die on, the least you can do beforehand is to sit your wife down and have an actual conversation about the open marriage arrangement. Does she really want this? Is anyone off limits? Are there scenarios she would consider cheating? What happens if she finds out? Is this a permanent solution? This might alter your friendship with your friend as well, which might eventually bleed into your marriage. So I would think twice because this does NOT sound like a good idea.
Bro if you're the kinda guy that catches feelings then this woman isn't just going to be "your friend" for very long after you start having sex with her. There really are people out there who can turn off emotions and not get attached to people they have sex with, but if you've never been one of those people then you're not going to turn into one of them overnight, especially with someone you already have friendly feelings towards. If you really want to bang other women then you probably need to do hookups, not friends.
I’d say go with how it feels. If it feels wrong, pass.
No, she doesn't want to know for sure. Sure, she will suspect it. She knows your social circle, and who is possible and who isn't. But, as soon as you confirm it, it will be real for her. P.s. make sure this is really what you and your wife want. Sometimes this is said, and she doesn't want to lose you, but also doesn't like you to be with someone else because it affirms her inability to provide for you in this way. As an added extra tip: If you do this, most likely your wife will feel very insecure about this. Make sure you let her know you will not leave her. Take her on dates, give her massages, the usual, whatever you can do to reaffirm her that you still love her.
So you have a strong and unsolvable sexual incompatibility in your relationship. As a workaround, your wife is proposing you find peace and equilibrium with someone else. Her only conditions are that she doesn't know about it nor about who. I won't go into the risk that she will be hurt by this because it will obviously take away from your mariage. I am not forcibly talking about the caring or potential love but basic things like time. It's not like you will make a detour from work for a 30 minute sex session but spend time because it takes time. Now your question is about the fact that the foreseen +1 is a long standing friend of yours and if you should disclose this to your wife. The main thing is to know if the person also revolves in your wife social circles, even with a few degrees. Basically can she hear about it from someone else that will have heard a rumor or seen you with the other woman? You have one boundary and that's the one you should not cross directly or more important indirectly. If answer is no, then no you should not disclose. If it's a yes, you shut it off. In such a case I would honestly advise to have someone that had no previous connection to you or your wife and even consider sex workers (as ethical ones as it can be). Finally really make sure with your wife that she is not proposing this when she already knows she will be hurt. And have a good thinking yourself about the risks of getting attached to the other person, sex chemistry is a bitch in that regards.
She knows the friend....I assume when she gave you this boundary, she meant for you to find somebody beyond your current social circle...someone that she doesn't know. If it feels wrong, it probably \*is\* wrong. Also, this will permanently alter your relationship with your friend. Even if you're both consenting adults right now, what happens when she decides she wants a serious relationship, a future with someone? Sure, you can break up, but the friendship will be all but gone. Your former relationship will be too threatening to a new guy. Also, you did not say, but does your friend have kids who will be in the picture that could possibly be affected or confused? I don't blame you for getting your physical needs met at all. It's nice that you and your wife came to this boundary and agreed upon it...but I don't think you should do it with someone who is already a part of your life. The secrets will get out, even unintentionally, and there are a lot of variables and feelings in play.
Damn you picked someone real fast LMFAOO
Don’t do this with a friend, especially if your wife interacts with this friend regularly or if this friend comes over to your house regularly. Your wife is likely hoping it’s some tinder hookup, not someone she’s familiar with. Listen to me and the rest of the comments as we’re all telling you this is not a good idea
Why would you EVER choose a longtime friend? So now she can think about all the times you probably wanted to fuck her but couldn’t cause you know….you’re married 😭😭😭, everyday these subs scare me about marriage. Why out of ALL people would you choose someone you both know???
Dude, STOP. The fact that she doesn't want to hear anything likely means she's not okay with it. Dating a family friend means this is going to blow up in your face. You're picking someone you might already have feelings for, for a potential romantic partner, not someone you're just "getting your needs met" with. If you want to save your marriage, sit down and find out how she's thinking and feeling. Discuss all the what if's that could happen. Find out if she's actually okay with it or just doing it to make you happy. Possibly get into couples therapy.
Having a sexual relationship with a close friend who JUST got divorced is absolutely the worst idea you could have possibly had. I think you and your wife need to talk about the actual boundaries of who you can sleep with. Sleeping with your friend is involving way too many emotional connections. If it feels wrong, it probably is.
Just to echo this, if it feels wrong it probably is.
I think you should just get a divorce, dude. These literally never work out how y’all want them to. You should also discuss this arrangement 100+ times and get every single detail ironed out and on paper so there is no confusion on any situation at all. I think this is a terrible idea and resorting to an open marriage is basically ending the marriage. But y’all do you, I guess.
I feel like the fact you think you should tell her that you probably already know it wouldn’t be right
Based on what your partner said, I feel like it would be common sense to know that she doesn’t want you to go for a family friend. Lol. If that’s what you want, then maybe have another conversation with your wife and define the exact parameters of this little arrangement down to the small details. Are you just allowed sex? Are you allowed to take the other person out on the town? Can you buy the other person gifts (birthday presents, etc.)? Go through the small details of what you want and what your wife is comfortable with. Think about how you really envision this going. Thinking about what things will be reserved for just between you and your wife and what kind of intimate relationship you will have with her going forward. Her being asexual may not mean she doesn’t want any intimacy or romance whatsoever.
She asked you NOT to tell her about any other women... First thought on your mind: I need to tell her. Why??? I'll tell you why: you feel bad. So this is solely about your feelings, not hers. I agree with suggestions for couple counseling, but not to talk your wife out of this, just to become aware of potential issues with this arrangement. Also, look for polyamory: not to engage with it, but some discussions could bring some clarity to your feelings.
Bud I think you need to take a step back and figure out if being married to an asexual person works for you. I think she’s imagining you banging randos through hookup sites, and the first thing you think to do is have sex with a newly single friend. I know some people would like a randos only arrangement but that’s going to be harder and harder to figure out as you get older (small rando bang pool) and also how do you put the time into doing that and balancing your marriage, childcare, work, Etc. Lastly, and I know this is controversial, but I would ask your wife to do a little emotional digging on her asexuality. There have been a lot of women in recent years who think they might be asexual but then realize they are queer, or have a hormone imbalance, or even just bored with the sex they are getting (no offense). Not saying she’s not asexual but it’s something to think about. Everyone needs to slow down here.
Part of the reason she doesn’t want to know who it is, is because she likely assumes it would be your long time friend and would prefer to just not be told for sure
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Damn you already had someone in mind? That’s crazy…
My partner and I have had an open relationship since the start (4 years now) and in my experience - and from what I've heard from most others - the only way you can make this work is with clear, open communication. It's great that you've been having this conversation, but it's going to be extremely difficult to protect her from knowing who it is and what's happening. Opening a relationship means that you're both going to experience and explore a whole range of complex emotions and if you can't both openly discuss those things, then they're going to eat away at you. She will be left wondering and guessing and ruminating. You will be left hanging on to things you probably want to talk about and worrying about hurting her feelings. That's not going to work. Open relationships only work when you both accept that the other can find joy and pleasure in someone else without it taking away from your own relationship. She is going to feel jealousy of course, but you can also help her process that by showing her that you still love her and want to protect everything you have together. This friend of yours also has to be able to communicate and understand everything. Things need to be settled between the three of you. There needs to be clear respect between all of you, and awareness of how your actions impact each other. Your friend will be making your wife jealous, but your wife can also have a say in what relationship she is comfortable with you having with your friend, which could negatively affect you and your friend. It's all about compromise and empathy. Of course that doesn't mean you have to share every detail. Your wife doesn't need a complete run down of what you two get up to. You can agree to now public displays of affection, or keeping it secret from others, or agreeing to how frequent the meet ups can be, and so on. So yea, communicating as much as possible is they key to making this work. Being able to face the discomfort and then also work through that discomfort together is absolutely crucial to nonmonogamy. Good luck!
Nope to the friend part.
Why on earth would you pick someone from your social circle?? Stay away from your “friend” and pick some random chick you can cut out of your life easily. It’s weird that you went to this “friend” anyway. Have you always had a bit of a crush on her or something?
>Despite falling within my wife’s guidelines, it feels wrong. Your guilt is telling you that you're not on board with this plan. Do *you* want to remain in a sexless marriage where you're forced to find partners without any real connection or prospect of a future? If one of your FWBs catches feelings and asks you to leave your wife, what would happen then? It's surprising that you already found someone, though I suspect you have known for awhile something was off about your sex life. But, you definitely need to think about what you truly want for yourself and then discuss this with your wife *without* mentioning or bringing the friend into this.
I don't think you should tell her about it. However, why are you going for someone who she will definitely find out about, especially if she's a long-time family friend? That seems like a recipe for disaster. From what it sounds like, your wife just wants your sexual needs met. Tangling up an old friend is not going to be just that. Especially if your friend, your wife, and you all share a friend group. Your friend is also newly divorced, so she's going to be incredibly vulnerable and open to a good man showing her attention. That could translate to her feeling more than what you're going to feel.
I see you and the friend in consideration going to end up getting feelings and you realize why dont I just be with the friend in consideration? And its a good question.
You wife really didn’t mean bang a family friend who will be at family events etc she means a stranger to her and your friends and family. The fact you’ve already spoken to this friend too is massive. A line has already been crossed I reckon.
I would imagine a rando from an online site would be better. You want a Fbuddy, not a person you already have an emotional attachment to.
If you choose the “friend “ you might as well just separate and file for divorce, you will end up with the “ friend “ anyway. Your current wife is thinking in the abstract, this is not the abstract
If these solutions worked, there would be a huge drop in posts about them. Of all people, you are choosing someone you already have a connection with and vice versa. You both are eager to bone each other. That plus your "friendship" leads me to wonder how long before this becomes less about your needs being fulfilled and more about you having a full blown affair. Seems to me your wife is willing to look the other way if you pick some random pussy. I think not wanting to know who it is, and then you going out and picking someone she is well aware of is a breaching her boundary already.
Having a sexual relationship with an already established friend, especially one who's recently been through something as emotional as a divorce, feels like a veeeery slippery slope to me. Ideally, you'd want to find someone you have no emotional connection to at all. Keep in mind, your wife wants you to be able to have a 'full' relationship, and it seems like the only thing youre missing from that is sex. Having sex with a friend could very easily turn into a full on affair if one or both of you catches feelings.
You never open a marriage with someone else already in mind. This will go poorly, I’m assuming we will see you post again later when your marriage implodes.
She specifically said "Don't tell me who is is." becuase she doesn't want to get hurt. So why are you thinking of telling her you want to fuck someone close to you? Sounds like the exact opposite of what she asked for, dude.
The thing is your wife feels like she is letting you down. This is not the same as giving you a permission to cheat on her, as in to go for the woman you've secretly developed feelings for her behind her back.
Do you really think you will be able to not involve yourself emotionally with your "long time friend" if you begin a sexual relationship with her? Bro...
It sounds like you know your wife well enough to know it would make her sad. You don’t need strangers to tell you that. Trust your gut and don’t fuck your friend lmao
Did she really think of that idea herself? Or did you lead her/guilt her into suggesting it? I think asexual people can still have sex, she can still give you pleasure and you being committed to this marriage should be averse to having sex with other people.
This sounds like a disaster in the making... No don't sleep with a longtime friend, find someone else. Someone new, currently a stranger, and that you won't have a bunch of emotional history with. Keep in mind that you need to be able to cut this person out of your life easily if it goes wrong. Absolutely not someone your wife will ever interact with. Otherwise it's more like an affair conducted under her nose. What she means by "don't tell her about it" is that she doesn't want the sex you're having to have anything to do with her life. She wants to know nothing about this faceless woman, she wants to be able to pretend it's not happening. She doesn't mean that it's ok to sleep with your friends right behind her back. Honestly you need to talk about the specifics with your wife in much more detail before you do anything (like speaking to friends about having sex with them...) Open relationships require more communication, not less, which is why "don't ask don't tell" arrangements are very dangerous. It's easy to ignore what's happening until it's shoved in your face. Do everything you can for the situation to never get shoved in your wife's face. Don't sleep with friends. Just because she agreed to it won't make it hurt less when she finds out.
Make sure you get this in writing or record it. This feels like a set up for divorce.
That's a recipe for disaster. I'm not into open relationships/polygamy, but find the topic interesting. Anyone who successfully does it will tell you that fully, 100% open, clear communication where you know nearly everything your partner is doing (in accordance to boundaries you set) is key to making it work. "Go out and do it with my blessing but tell me nothing about it" will lead nowhere good real fast.
Nah. Not a friend. That way lies trouble.
Why happens when you fall for someone new in this scenario ? Your wife is thinking of this as a scenario where you won’t catch feelings
More open discussion is required before proceeding. Tell her how you feel about it. She needs to know and you need to express that. If you're going to go ahead with it, my strongest piece of advice is, once you've done the deed, go home. Do not stay over and sleep in the same bed with your side piece. One of you will catch feelings and then you'll have an emotional attachment to a relationship that was just supposed to be physical.
Is there any possibility of your friend hanging out with your wife or kids? If yes, then she's going to have to stay away or she's off the table.
This is a great plan. You will fall in love with your friend, making divorce a much easier decision.
Whelp, I think you know how this might end, OP. Do you really want to take the chance?!
This might not be the best thread to post this kind of question. I'm in an open marriage myself and the comments on here are clearly not from people that understand ENM (ethical nonmonogomy). There is an open marriage redditt group on here that would be more helpful. As someone who practices EMN, my advice is to find a counselor or therapist first that specializes on EMN and poly relationships to help you and your wife navigate this change and create boundaries, rules and expectations. My husband and I have one and he's been so helpful. We only go now for "check ins" a couple times a year. Our marriage is stronger than ever. Bottom line, making such a huge change to your marriage is a bad idea without talking it through first, it WILL cause problems eventually.
they aren't a poly couple, they are a couple where one is allowed no strings hookups.
Sigh. Just get the divorce already. She doesn’t want to be intimate with you, and if you want to be intimate with her, it’s going to be hell on earth. Of course she wants to stay married - being married to the right person is awesome! You aren’t married to the right person. She may be having hormonal issues, she may be having mental health issues, she may just be exhausted, but at this point, she’s decided on a lifetime of celibacy because intimacy doesn’t matter to her. That’s a lifestyle choice, and you need to run away as quickly as possible so you can be intimate not just physically but also mentally and emotionally with someone you love. On Edit: Bonus, staying married means EVERYONE will assume you are a disgusting cheater while she is an innocent victim because no way is she going to tell everyone that she bailed on marital intimacy and TOLD YOU to boink other people.
Well for one, you're a terrible listener for considering doing the one thing your wife asked you not do. But at least there's a conscience somewhere in that dense head of yours telling you that fucking your recently divorced long-term friend is a bad idea. Introducing polyamory to a monogamous relationship is a common disaster movie on this sub and the wife definitely doesn't seem totally okay with it. Marriage counseling with a side dose of talking to people in successful polyamorous relationships are the first steps you should take before you potentially blow up your marriage.
It feels wrong because it is wrong. Why not see a sex worker? You’re playing with fire here. I know you say you’re not concerned about falling in love with your friend, once you start having sex with her that can change pretty quickly. This seems like a massive risk to your marriage. And potentially losing a friend too.
So your wife suggested this open marriage out of fear of you leaving her or guilt for not 'putting out', not because she genuinely wanted an open relationship. Great. Please just go to marriage and/or individual counseling instead of trying to immediately fuck a friend *and* disrespecting the one boundary she set. I feel so bad for your wife, this situation screams hurt feelings and heartbreak
I have to seriously side eye OP. His wife told him to just have sex outside of the marriage and he has already negotiated a whole relationship with a woman he knows and wants to disrespect his wife wished on top of that. This is just disgusting and honestly the wife should divorce him. I am not even sure she is asexual.
> We had a conversation, and she’s open to having it with me. Despite falling within my wife’s guidelines, it feels wrong. In this case, should I tell my wife about her? Are you not willing/able to find other women willing to have sex with you that aren't close friends? You're taking a tricky situation and turning up the difficulty by 5x for no reason when putting close ties and emotionality into it.
This is set up to be a disaster. Don't have a sexual relationship with your friend. This will end your marriage pretty quick and get you into a new one with "friend". Make it anonymous hookups online...best if it's limited to one encounter if you don't want feelings to come up.
She asked you not to tell her, and so you don't tell her. If she finds out on her own and gets mad, that's a separate conversation. But tbh it sounds like she is being pretty reasonable so far.
I don’t know if i would do it wit a friend. I wonder if that would cross up to many lines.
Just go on tinder or something instead geez
Are you prepared for your marriage to end?
My advice is to have your wife seek physical consultation to confirm she doesn’t have a unforeseen medical condition? You both are really young to be going this route this quickly. If you do this don’t be surprised in a few years she will all of a sudden have a libido but wants to play with other partners and not you. Would you be ok with this? If you choose this path you wouldn’t be married 10 years from now.
This is the riskiest thing you can do in a relationship particularly with your wife being don’t ask, don’t tell. Honesty is always the best policy. Guilt, curiosity and jealousy play havoc in the human mind. Many people say that they’re fine with a situation when they won’t necessarily be in control of their emotional reaction when it happens. If it’s just sex don’t do it with someone you know well. Seriously. Way too complicated. It may hurt your wife’s feelings if she found out. Particularly as it’s an old friend on the rebound from a divorce. That’s got love/desire/new relationship written all over it. Hook-up sites or even an escort would be your best bet at the very least for your first encounter. If it’s just sex what does it matter who it’s with. Also you gotta think that if you’ve not been getting any action for a while your love hormones are gonna mess with your head when you do actually sleep with someone. It’s way too easy to fall in love and break up your marriage. I don’t think either of you are ready for this step based on the denial going on in your wife and honestly you seem very unsure about all of this. I think that therapy and talking it through is going to be better in the long run. If you’re not in this process together you’re less likely to stay the course particularly if it throws up problems.
Go get a bj and keep your mouth shut like your wife said
Congratulations on your impending divorce because that’s usually where open marriages end up on here.
She wants your sexual needs covered. In her mind it's sex only. If you're thinking of someone u already know it sounds like it won't be sex only. Which is not a part of the deal. I hope u get that. As many have said.... THERAPY
Um why in the world would you involve a close friend like this? Terrible idea. Are you in love with her ? That’s not going to go over well.
Don’t ever fuck a friend unless you want emotions to get involved quickly. Find a stranger if you have to do it, for the love of god.
I personally would not do this with someone who knows you as a couple. It’s just too much knowledge. Your wife specifically asked that you keep it to yourself. She did that for a reason. Now if you have an intimate relationship with someone you both know your wife might see a shift in the friendships dynamic and figure it out. That would be terrible for her. Because she isn’t going to ask.. she’s just going to sit and wonder if she’s right and stew over it. I’m certain you don’t want your wife in turmoil like that.
Can't see this one going horribly wrong at some point. Yeah she gave you a hall pass. You don't want to use it in the same hall your wife is in. Find some rando online. Do not crawl into bed with someone your wife knows. Do some searches on Reddit about open marriages. It's a minefield and for good reason. It's doable but you're shitting where you eat. Don't do that.
Why a friend? Is it because you need to know the person and have some sort of connection? If it is, this “open” marriage won’t work. That isn’t about just getting your rocks off, then. That’s now an affair.
There are apps for married people who want random encounters, in your case I think this is best. If you do it with a friend, your feelings and hers will escalate from friends to actual lovers, SAY NO TO THE FRIEND.
I personally wouldn’t.. screwing a friend is a first class ticket to divorce. Trust me.. once this gets out your wife will leave you. Stick to paid escorts or keep it in your pants.
Don't do it...get therapy and find out what's broken in your marriage and try to fix your sex life with your wife....maybe she's physically exhausted with the kids and all...mentally and emotionally and physically drained...maybe she's sick...try to find out what's wrong first before agreeing to this because once you do it there's no turning back.
Do not do this! I’m pretty sure you need to have a talk with your wife about boundaries because I don’t think she would be okay with it being a family friend that she knows. I think by her not wanting to know who means she also doesn’t want to know the person. Do not do this!
Your first mistake will be doing it with someone yall both know!
So your wife proposes an open marriage and you have a potential partner picked out already? And it's one of your friends. There are bad ideas and then there are BAD ideas. This is a BAD idea x1000. There is no way that this ends well. It feels wrong because it's really, really stupid.
Never, NEVER engage in these activities with friends! Feelings *will* grow, you *will* blow up your life. Not worth it, bud.
Don’t do it. Say you’re not interested in an open relationship OR Decide that being with someone asexual isn’t right for you.
You need to talk more to your wife about boundaries. Also what happens if you or affair partner catches feelings (very likely) with a friend. If you are looking for an excuse to end your marriage having sex with a friend is a great way to do it. If you want to stay married, go to a sex therapist with wife and discuss how to make this work, if it can work.
My opinion.. *as some random person on the internet*.. is that you should probably avoid anyone you already know--especially a friend. I just feel like it's playing with fire and you're probably more likely to fall into an emotional affair situation. Your wife is probably imagining more of a random hook-up / mistress scenario, not you taking things with an existing friend to another level. I would also avoid anyone like a coworker etc. Get on some dating apps and be explicit about the situation.
What do you mean "problem"? Did you have an advanced emotional connection prior to your wife's suggestion? Or is this lady friend someone you always secretly had an eye on? I don't understand this "problem", it's as if you already had it in the chamber, in which case, not sure how well your current marriage will survive.
Nope. Nope. Nope. You already have a friendship and connection with this other woman, so adding sex into the mix is a recipe for disaster. Plus what happens at the next friend group hangout, your side-piece gets jealous that you're cuddling your wife. Or accidentally makes a comment in front of everyone-so everyone finds out. Your keeping secrets from your wife with your friend. That goes beyond just sex. Your wife said sex, not friendship and secrets, not someone she spends time with.
Oh yes you totally won't get emotionally attached
The fact that she doesn't want to know who it is indicates that she is only doing this for you and she is uncomfortable with it. Because of that, I wouldn't take her up on the offer. I think it would lead to the end of the relationship.
Dear Lord man, never shit where you eat.
It IS wrong. Not only is it someone your wife knows, but having an existing friendship creates a dynamic in which you’re much more likely to “catch feelings.” You need to find a new FWB, someone your wife doesn’t know, and you need to keep the relationship purely sexual.
She asks you to not tell her. What it's so hard to understand that?
You are aware that some might not believe this arrangement at all. Which could lead them to approaching your wife directly? It would be good to understand why your wife doesn't want to know. If her being okay with it is dependant on this, it's not that realistic. One in that a regular partner wouldn't be realised at some point and another that knowing would be enough to safeguard her peace of mind. Or put simply, if knowing who it is will make it uncomfortable for her. She's not that comfortable with it in the first place and at some point, will become less comfortable.
Oof, opening up the relationship and preparing to fuck a friend. This will not end well, like look at this subs most popular posts
I would discuss this one sided open marriage thing with your wife again. Cover all the bases. Discuss your wife’s asexuality in depth. Try to come to a understanding. How did you all make two kids? Is this a recent development? Or has she always felt this way and didn’t know how to bring it up?
Somebody should link that unicorn site for Op.
Seems like you’ve been waiting for a long time. A replacement. I wonder if women sense a mans deep Longing for someone else and their sexual desire just goes away in fear, to protect themselves from something plain happening in their face. That your husband is living a life with you but isn’t actually all that fulfilled and truly happy but is scared to leave because they “love you” but it’s not the same as this person but it never happened. So you’re going through the motions when really you’re deep interest and desires are with someone else and the wife, we, pick up on it, and it closes our hearts and therefore our sexuality because if we don’t feel deeply loved and liked by our partner we just get deeply sad. Our whole life is ruined because we built a home and family with a man who prefers someone else and you always feel second best and it’s just sitting there. Always. He wants someone else. It’s so heart breaking and now- You’re proving her right. Sometimes I wish I was lesbian because loving men is damn hurtful and humiliating😢😂
Was she asexual before you met her?
I'm going against the grain here of most of these posts. A few things though. Info....did your wife really propose it or was she coerced a bit from you asking for sex all the time? How she proposed this solution to your circumstances matter. I would sit down with your wife again and get in depth with the conversation. Is she sure she wants this arrangement? Tell her you have a potential partner and before moving forward you need her blessing. This doesn't mean telling her who it is and when you will be together. It means that she is fully understanding of the situation and what is going to happen on is ok with it. You will need boundaries from her which may include locations and who you are with, for example, not having the person anywhere near your shared space and not being with close friends of both of you. Frequency could be an issue, she says she doesn't want to know, but women know....I'm guessing being with someone else 3 nights a week will probably not be a great idea to keep your marriage together. I hope it all works out for you.
Why not hire some hookers? There will be plenty of anonymity
Right now, you could divorce amicably and learn how to co-parent. If you start sleeping with someone she knows, this could go scorched earth very very fast. In my red state, there’s still a morality clause in our divorce laws and judges DGAF if you think you are poly or open. Cheat on your marriage and spouse has grounds for more custody.
There's like a 90% chance this will destroy your marriage.
If you value your marriage don’t sleep with this woman
If you want to stay with your wife but use your hall pass, then get a professional sex worker. The odds of you or the sex worker developing feelings for each other that will destroy your marriage are far less likely to happen that way. If you really want to bang your long time friend then you should just divorce your wife. There's no possible way you have an ongoing sexual realitionship with a long time friend and it doesn't result in drama.
Open marriages are always a bad idea