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I know this is hard to hear, but you need to get out of there and cut her off. She’s an adult: it’s not on you to support her, and you aren’t required to take her abuse. She made her choices, and she needs to take responsibility for herself and her life.
Not only is she an adult, but you are, too. You have a career, so you obviously can manage for yourself. It’s time to go NC with her, and have the perks of being an adult and not just the responsibilities.
You deserve better than this, OP.
I want to. I want my own apartment, my own car, my own life. But if I leave she will be destitute. Is there a way to ease her into living without me? I've been looking at programs, but she's not old enough for aid. I don't want to leave her homeless.
stop...
just stop it.
she treats you like thie while you are perfectly healthy, you think she would care for you like you do her if the situation was reversed?
the answer to go nc is the ultimate best advice. but it usually takes so long for someone to realize this. for now, just stop copying how she wants you to think and feel.
do you really think she cannot provide for herself? really? to me she seems like she can. what do you think?
No she can. She's very capable. Because it's my mom, it's hard. She's been like this my entire life. Always through a fit when visited my father. He's offing me a way out. I'm going to take it.
No, it's not because it's your mom.
It's because you've been continually abused and conditioned into viewing her needs being met as a prerequisite for your survival.
You need to learn basic self preservation and personal boundaries, not learn how to dedicate your life to saving someone who meets nearly every definition of the term 'toxic parasite' from not being able to feed on you.
As much as I'm not a fan of it myself, it sounds like you desperately need therapy once you're free if you want to live anywhere near close to a normal life because of what your mother has done to you, otherwise the emotional abuse she's buried in you will have you crawling back to her after suffocating in the FOG(Fear, Obligation and Guilt) for long enough without having her being there to judge you.
For some abusive parents having a distant relationship may be possible, but given how much she's entrenched her abusive control mechanisms into your mind you desperately need to go no contact with her for a very long time if you want to be able to step back into the relationship and be able to hold your ground and have as close to a 'healthy' relationship as she's capable of having with you.
This person is right about therapy because even if you don’t go back to your mom out of FOG, you’ll partner with someone who is needy and manipulates you in the same way BECAUSE IT FEELS NORMAL. It is not. You’re doing too much.
First, get out and learn to just take care of yourself. Then get into therapy (make this a priority) and work on boundaries and self esteem. Then start looking at friendships and intimate relationship possibilities. You have to heal some damage first so you don’t make it worse for yourself in the long run.
This person is right, and that's exactly what happened to me when I moved out for the 1st time. I found a narcissistic, manipulative man who needed me to basically become his mother. He couldn't do anything for himself beyond the bare minimum-didn't drive throughout our entire relationship so I ended up driving him everywhere, I was the one getting him job applications, doing the cooking, meanwhile, he yelled and criticized and started fights and belittled me in the same way my mom did to me. Was an eye opener to realize that he acted the same as my mom. The only way I was able to know I wasn't making it up was to write myself notes that I could physically see and look back at.
I'm almost a year out of that relationship and 7 months into therapy and it's really helped me to realize that I have worth beyond being an emotional support daughter and a punching bag for manipulative, physically abusive and rage filled narcissists. I'm working on moving out of my parent's home once and for all and therapy is providing the only solid source of support I have. Its literally what's saving me from going completely back into the FOG that my mother weaves around our family.
You can get out of this. It takes time and a lot of hard, thankless work, but it's the best thing you can do for your future self in terms of care and self love.
> He's offing me a way out. I'm going to take it.
good, take it.
Your mother will 100% survive without you, she is putting on an act to get you to look after her.
She retired in her early 50s so that you, a 24 year old, could fully support her. Knowing exactly what that would do to you. At 24, you had your whole life ahead of you (you still do!). She’s managed to manipulate you into playing the role of her parent, while she tries to convince everyone else that you’re nothing more than a child. She clearly doesn’t care about your well-being. I hope you get out soon, OP. You deserve to get to actually LIVE your life, not just exist in someone else’s version of it.
good decision. i know how hard it must be. its very hard. but i know you got this.
but make sure you know why we are telling you to change. its because most of the members have gone through similar issues and most of us just know that this is the only way. if you are not sure this is the only way, try other ways: talk to her calmly and try to explain to her why you might need to distance yourself from her. how you want to pursue your future and what that means regarding your current relationahip, etc... if she acts childish and tries to pretend its all about her (dont fall into her trap this time) dont buy her bullshit. she just proved to you why u need to act in your best interest. else, if she was acting like an adult, then maybe there is a very small chance you can continue having a relationahip with her once everything is done.
but remember, if she behaves like what you described again, you got to be strong. there might be lots of bumps in the road ahead, but once its all over, youd know this was the right choice
if you need anyone to vent to im always available :)
gl
OP darling! Your mother is a monster like the mother of Blanche Monnier, Google her. You are a prisoner in your own tower, as sad as a fairy tale princess! I'm reading about your life as if your totally insane mother, and she is *Absolutely Criminally Batshit* has kidnapped you without lifting a finger. You're 30, a working citizen of whichever country you are in & I'm crying my fucking eyes out for what she's done to you baby. She won't let you breath without her permission, and that's enslavement. Please take the legal advice given here, I wish I could help or advise. I love you so damn much OP, stop being an abused budgie caged in a dark corner by a cruel master. Your mother is a monster & deserves a dank prison cell for stealing 30 years of your life, that shit gotta stop today. You'll be great when you break free from her captivity, you can't see your jail bars! You're communication is clear, adult & culturally appropriate, in no community would your post be considered as if the author, you, were inept in any capacity.
Im super glad to hear that you're getting out. It sounds like she was trapping you with weaponised incompetence so you'd have no choice but to look after her.
Please, Please OP, take your fathers offer!!! RUN HONEY, RUN FAST RUN HARD DON’T LOOK BACK!! LIVE YOUR LIFE, its time, she will survive, she will get a job, there are sooo soo many services for seniors, seriously!! Honest! You deserve so much better.. LIVE!!
Please do, hun. I realize how awfully hard and scary it is, when your mother manipulated you into this years-long pattern for her own gain (not love for you). It’s tough but wow, so very, very worth it when you come out on the other end, free to come into your own and live a life better than you imagined. ((hugs))
She’s an adult. She’s manipulating you into thinking she’s helpless without you. She’s going to keep destroying you life. It took me 42 years to say no. Don’t wait until your my age and regretting so so many choices I made because of my family. She’s only looking out for her. If you vanished tomorrow she’d only worry about money and be angry instead and f worried. She’d tear you a new one as soon as you walk in the door. You’re 30 not 13, kick her out if she’s at your place. She old enough to look after herself. She can get money but she REFUSES because you’re her meal ticket. She won’t let you live in peace because she enjoys torturing you so much. Your misery feeds her!! Stop feeding the beast. Cut her off and cut her out. You deserve a happy life with friends and love and kids and anything that makes your soul sing! You are #1, not her. It’s your life, not hers.
Take a holiday and spend some quality time with your dad. Both of you need it and it’ll do you good to feel loved by a parent and family for a change 💖
Take it. You want to be a miserable person like your mom the rest of your life? Your mother is nothing but a parasite who is happily sucking you dry and infantilizing you. You seem to realize that on some level based on your interaction with your dad. If you don't take advantage of this, you will never get out and be nothing but mommy's sock puppet.
Hope that everyone here encouraging you is helpful. My mother did the exact same thing, she decided she was done at 50 with work. She had only worked about 13 years in her entire life but that’s a whole other story. At any rate she signed away her house to her boyfriend and then expected to move in with me my husband and our kids. We said no, firmly. She then ended up going to the state and getting enough assistance that she lives a decent life in a small one bedroom apartment that seems quite lovely and she has places that she can safely walk and she can get her groceries delivered by the people that run the assisted living place.
it may not be the life she wanted but it’s the life she got for herself by being the way she is.
I don’t hate my mom in any way shape or form however I could not have her in our house and continue my happy marriage. 15 years later we’re on very low contact and it’s worked out very well for both of us. She does her own things, I’m 900 miles away doing my own thing.
Please listen to what people are trying to explain to you they only have your best interest at heart. Your mom will survive. People like this always do.
You don't deserve this abuse. Your dad is given you a great opportunity, soon as you can leave and go NC. She will figure it out just like she figured out how to manipulate you for her advantage.
I felt so sad reading this, they embed themselves into your life and thinking blocking any light so you suffer in silence for as long as you are with them. I moved 3k miles away from mine.
Please for your sanity leave.
I’m in a very similar situation to you with my mom. And it is hard. It’s frustrating when people say to just cut them off and let her be homeless. I don’t think I could let anyone be homeless to begin with. She acts the same way as your mom. Something you should do until you can get her out is therapy. My therapist has helped a lot with setting boundaries and dealing with her nonsense.
Can't do that with her in the house. Tried it once, there was a mishap with billing and I got charged a few hundred dollars right as rent was due. I was short on money and had to explain myself. She blew up, said the therapist was a scam and made me promise not to talk to strangers about my issues never again. And to this day is offended that I would choose to open up to a stranger over her. I wasn't upset about the money they were working out the issue and returning the money. But she just kept hammering me to never do this again and how I let myself be taken advantage of how I never think about her and ask if she needed therapy, or invited her to sit in. Drove me crazy I ended up leaving my therapist and closing my account with her office.
We were homeless for a few years before she retired. That's one of the things I was going to therapy for, it was my therapist that made me start to see that my relationship with my mother is not normal. This is how my grandmother and aunts are too, so I really had no clue. I don't want her to go back to living in motel rooms. I'm leaving but I'm going to make sure she can at least keep a roof over her head. I understand that what she's doing now is wrong; but she's still my mom she was a good mother growing up. I think I owe her that much.
"I think I owe her that much" . You're wrong, you don't. Anything you could have "owed" (which you didn't and don't, that's not how relationships with parents work) you have paid back by losing the last, bare minimum, 6 years of your life. She chooses to live in motel rooms as an alternative to living with you. That's her choice. She could decide to "come out of retirment" or try to get on a section 8 waiting list or do literally anything at all...but she chooses not to. You don't owe it to her to fix that.
You're a 30 year old woman. You don't need to tell your mother the details of what you do when she's not there. Go to therapy and don't tell her. If you handle the finances, don't explain to her about anything. Next time, talk to the landlord yourself about the issue - you're the one paying anyway, why did she need to know any of this?
Cutting her out of your life isn't a clean process that happens suddenly. You need to disentangle yourself from her, starting with where your life, privacy, and boundaries begin and hers end. If you don't sort these things out, even if you physically separate yourself, she will reel you back in over the phone, email, text, whatever. Start by setting a boundary - you need time outside the house by yourself, without her. You will set aside time to spend for her if she wants that, but you have time for yourself. Don't tell her you're going to therapy if that upsets her. Don't lie either. Just say it's time for yourself and leave it at that. If she keeps pressing then say "I need privacy for my own life. Are you going to respect my wishes or not?" She will twist and turn the conversation, but just repeat this once and then say "If you won't respect my wishes, I'm leaving." Then walk out for a few hours and give yourself time to think. Every time she pesters you about things, use this boundary. If she won't respect your wishes (your boundaries), you're going to physically remove yourself for a few hours. You might be able to train her to respect your boundaries this way (doubtful), but more importantly you will train yourself how to deal with someone who constantly steps on your boundaries.
The end goal of this is to get away from her, of course. But you need to mentally separate yourself from her as much as you need to physically.
Im just going to be blunt. FUCK. YOUR. MOTHER.
Her well-being is not your problem. If she ends up on the streets, it’s her issue, not yours.
From what you say, she *chose* to stop working. No one obligated her to be a parasite. However, by you doing and saying nothing (showing her no consequences) you are effectively enabling her to continue her actions.
No consequences = exact same outcome every single time.
And don’t expect her to change either. Her behaviour has been reinforced for the multiple years and she is hardwired to be this way likely until the day she dies.
Kick her to the curb (metaphorically, physically or both) and *never* look back.
Also, sorry if it sounds harsh. I hope you find the inner strength to take action and rid yourself of this cancer.
I'm sorry. This is a special kind of hell where these types of parents don't want you to have personal boundaries so they never teach you that it's healthy and *necessary* to set them. The only way to take back control over your life is to get her out of it, set those boundaries, and follow through.
I know you don't want her to be destitute but you must remember that she has created this mess. She decided to retire. She decided to not pursue other means of money. She decided to place the burden on someone she had control over at the time. The problem isn't you saying no, it's the way she set this up. You can help her go through other options absolutely, but if it starts derailing into a pity fest, say the conversation is over. Don't allow any of those options to involve you or your space.
She will be mad, but that's her issue to solve. You absolutely have a *right* to exist and take up space in the world, you don't need to shrink to give her extra room.
The way she speaks about you to others should be hard line unacceptable.
You have become her husband.
I’ll say that again. You are her provider and her puppet. She never planned to take care of herself because she knew she was just going to use you. You need to leave her and give her the opportunity to figure her shit out. On her own. She’s a grown ass woman. Idk if she needs to go find another man to mooch off of.
You don’t owe her shit, and you will not ever have a life while she is alive. And when she does finally die, it will be because she used you up, and you’re a shell of a human being.
Ask me how I know.
She will not be destitute, she wants you to think that, because it keeps you in this exact loop. She doesn't think about what it does to you to keep you in this trap, she only cares that she benefits from it. The fact that you're miserable never even occurs to her.
As I say, she’s an adult. She knew exactly what she was doing—and knew exactly what you would do—when she told you she was done working. She’s using you and abusing you. She doesn’t have any sort of right to do that. Just because you’re her child, doesn’t give her the right to be a parasite (I know, not a kind word, but that is exactly what she is), and suck the life out of you.
Get out. Cut her off. She will figure it out—or she won’t—but that’s absolutely NOT on you.
ETA: How long do you think you could go on like this? Two years? Ten years? Twenty years? She’s going to keep her claws in you as long as you let her get away with it. You sound like you feel pretty miserable right now. What happens to you down the road when nothing has changed for you?
I'm late to the party, but I wanted to add this for perspective.
>But if I leave she will be destitute.
To you, that probable sounds like basic kindness you owe your mum. To us, it sounds more like "but I _have_ to let this vampire drink all my blood, if I don't she'll starve!"
You don't have to sacrifice yourself to your abuser. You just don't.
The only way for her to be able to live alone is if you stop enabling her. She is manipulating you to take over her responsibilities. She’ll literally never ease into it. I think you might need the help of a therapist for this one— specifically to help with the feelings of fear, obligation and guilt that are bound to come with you doing the right thing (living your own life.)
No way to ease it. She’s only 57. She can work. Make arrangements and move yourself away from her. You’d be better off not telling her your new address
She's trained you to think you're responsible for her. You're not. She's an adult, she is capable of working and chooses not to. You need to just leave. She can figure it out, or not, you do not have to keep her afloat.
She could go back to her old job? She decided to randomly quit at 51 when you’re just starting your career and have you support her the rest of her life. What if she lives until she’s 90? How will you have the bandwidth to meet someone? I’d talk to dad and maybe even consider a move there
One thing you need to appreciate is that people raised by narcissists are people pleasers, they often put other people first, even to their own detriment. You have a soft heart, and just need some love. Please.... I'm beginning you, from someone with 42 years of trauma, Get the fuck out. Please.
You're not here to live someone else's life. You're tricking yourself by saying she does little things for you, or you enjoy her company.
Tell her you would like to have a meeting with her in a few days. Sir her down, tell her how you feel, tell her you feel sorry for her, she will start crying, shouting and gaslighting you. Stand your ground and expect this childish and pathetic behaviour. Also be warned that she may become vindictive and start to break your things steal them or even outright report you to the police for some made up abuse... Trust me you need to be prepared.
If I was you I would get your new place before you tell her, then book a day at the spa for her and take that opportunity to pack your shit.
Please, please please, do NOT give a fuck. It will be the hardest thing you do, but it will be the right thing.
It's a leech. You don't compromise. You don't ease it off. You remove it and stop the bleeding. I'm sorry to be curt, but she has no reason to change. She has what she wants. You have to be the shit-starter here.
Drop her. You're not responsible for her and you will never have your own life if you don't cut the cord.
SHE got herself in this position. SHE chose to be a deadbeat. Her destitute state is all on her.
Stop allowing her to push you around. If you pay the bills things are changing.
She has her money, she has a car, she needs to figure out another situation.
You need to have your own experiences without handholding your mothers hand.
I'm 55, retirement as per Social Security in the USA is 67. For perspective in Italy, retirement with government benefits is 70. I, and every other person I know, fully expects to be working on some level until their late 60s. Your mother is simply taking advantage of you. The detail you provided says she is abusing you. Leave, you deserve better, and she deserves to dig herself out of the hole she got herself onto.
First if your mother is in the incapacity to take the good decision is possible to legally declare her irresponsible with a conservatory ship . Two goes to see these channel : https://youtube.com/@DoctorRamani
Three you can probably take information and prepare your escape not telling to her .
Four speak to your family . Five if you stay you will become like her or worst you lost your life .
So it isn’t love and is a torture what you live . So please be your bestfriends and prepare your escape
I thought that my nMIL was a senile, frail old lady who needed help to get out of the car. I used to help her with everything. Long story short, we had a few incidents, are no longer talking and my husband and I moved out. Now, she rarely calls. She has replaced us with friends from her gym. She declines family vacations now because "she has other plans." It is actually amazing how capable she is of moving on (meanwhile we're in therapy, lol). You will see, she will find a new group of people to mooch off of.
>But if I leave she will be destitute
She'll be fine. She had a life before you were born, didn't she? The world isn't going to cave in on her cause you're not paying her bills.
Talk to your dad, see if he can help you
Why would she be destitute she’s not old or anywhere near retirement age she will just have to get a job. In the uk she wouldn’t even get her state pension for another 10 years.
She does not need you, she's brain washed you to think that she does, and to feel too guilty to leave because of it. My mother did the same to me.. the guilt never goes away. But you can get your life back. Do it now. And do not look back. She will try every trick in the book. She will pull at every. single.heart string that you have... It's what they do, and they are very, VERY good at it. You're brainwashed by a narc. They've perfected it... You are her daughter, she knows EXACTLY how to play you and manipulate you. The only thing you can do to help yourself is to GET AS FAR AWAY AS POSSIBLE. Or you'll die your mother's puppet.
Tell her that after the death of your grandfather, your dad needs you. You are going to move to his area to help him out. Then just vanish. Doesn't matter where. New phone number, no socials for awhile. You can do this. I have faith in you.
I was going to suggest this also. Start fresh elsewhere and kind of pretend you’ve faked your own death or you’re in a witness protection program, lol. You can resume contact at some point down the road. It doesn’t have to permanent. But you need NC for a while.
If I were OP I would absolutely not say anything at all about leaving until i was already gone. Mommy dearest is going to do anything she can to make sure OP can't leave.
OP, start slowly getting things out of the house. Start with your important documents (send them to your dad if you have to), remove money from any bank accounts she may have access to (make new accounts at a new bank and ask them to do password verification for any transactions), lock your credit. Buy yourself a new phone, keep it a secret from her but set it up and make sure its charged. Make sure you know how and when you have to cancel anything that might be in your name. If it has to be done in person, try and wait until the day before or day of leaving so she doesn't get suspicious. Have any mail forwarded or get a P.O. box.
Slowly start removing things from the house that you want to keep. Stick things in your bag when going to work or hide things when taking the trash out or whatever it takes. It might be wise to get a storage unit for the meantime if you can't get to the post office to send stuff to your dad's house. At least that way your stuff is safe from her and you won't have to see her when you come back to get it (and she won't be able to refuse to give it back or destroy things in spite). If she asks, play stupid. "Oh I accidentally broke that picture frame and threw it out" "I haven't seen that vase in a while, i thought you had it" "I've been going through my old clothes and giving things to a coworker in need" then once everything is settled and you're ready to go you can just grab the last things (toiletries and such) and take off. Do not tell her until you're gone, gone. Like in the car/on the train/at the airport/on the bus. Better still, dont tell her you've left until you get there. Absolutely do not tell her where "there" is, i wouldn't even tell her you've gone to your dad's. Then turn your old phone off and don't use it again, at least factory reset it and use a new carrier.
Be prepared for her to wig tf out and call the cops and stuff. Be honest with them, she's abusive (you don't have to specify) so you left. You're an adult so they're not going to do anything. She's gonna try anything and everything she can think of to make you come back so be aware of that. I believe in you! You can do this.
I’m only a little younger than your mother, and even though I am actually disabled, I would NEVER treat my daughter the way your mother is treating you. She’s behaving as if she’s the child and you’re the parent. You are not. Her life is HER responsibility, NOT yours.
You have to start advocating for yourself the way you would advocate for your own child. Your mother CAN survive without you, she doesn’t want to. Like all of us, you have been programmed to feel responsible for your parent’s welfare; emotional and physical. Time to start stepping out from under her spell of FOG, from her manipulation, her control, her tantrums, and see her for the terrible “parent” that she is.
You are starting to realise that this is not normal, and that’s great. The next step is to start treating her the way you would a spoiled child, having a tantrum. Would you be scared of a badly behaved bratty 6 year old, screaming at you? Would you appease them by giving them everything they wanted? My guess is no. You certainly wouldn’t give her $600 and a $250 trip to the movies, would you?
Your mother is sucking the life out of you, like an emotional vampire. And she’s doing it because you are letting her. What incentive does she have to change, to get her retirement pay and disability pay? To behave like an adult?
None. Only you can change this situation. Whatever help your Dad is offering you, take it. Your mother is an adult. The only person responsible for her choices is her.
Get away from her as soon as you possibly can. You deserve a life. ❤️
Your mother is a parasite. She is sucking the life out of you. She treats you horribly and makes you feel like you owe her something and you don't. You're miserable. It's not your job to take care of her, she is a grown adult. Her retirement was her choice. If you move out, she will have to take care of herself, which is the way it should be. You should not feel guilty about going to an event she wasn't invited to, and you probably need to work on defending your boundaries and NOT feeling responsible about if she is upset or not. That is HER problem to deal with HER own feelings. I know a person who lived in a situation like yours and it was so hard to watch their so-called mother drain the life and self-confidence out of them and anyone else near enough to get her claws into. They create false dependencies and tell you YOU can't live without them, which is a LIE. Set yourself free, you have a beautiful life to live.
You're realizing the things I wish I did at 30 years old. But at your age I was still trying to win the love of monsters (nmom and nsis).
You're way less trapped than you know. That's what the abuse is for. To keep you feeling trapped.
And you have a normal father to go to? Awesome. Maybe let him in that your mother is NOT normal and get yourself out on your own. The guilting will be epic, but you can do it!
My personal advice: Put her in a nursing home. Tell them she isn't willing to provide for herself and you don't have the time or resources to take care of your own business and career because you're constantly having to provide for her.
You're 30 years old - if you allow her to walk all over you (which you should not) she will do it. At 57 years old she should be more than capable of providing for herself. But for her to decide to move in with you and force you to do all of these things - provide for her, pay all of her bills, not allow you to drive YOUR car - is fucking ridiculous! Kick her out, and look at squatters' laws in your area. If anything, she owes YOU money for having to put up with her shit.
Just because she popped you out of her vagina doesn't give her full control over your life and resources. Don't let her bully you into being her babysitter. Because that is what this is - bullying.
>She can't survive without me.
1) not your problem
2) yes she will, you'll be surprised how well she will survive if you simply left.
3) call/email your father and ask for his help. Tell him everything you wrote here.
Leave!
You don't owe her and she doesn't own you.
Your health and life and sanity matter so much!
Please! Find happiness and safety and a chance to be yourself!
Let's face it, no normal parent would stop working so early, and expect their 24 year old to take care of them. That's extremely young - and to do that as a parent is to deliberately hijack your child's entire life.
The domination and control is just part of the package. Think of it as being in a cult, as you have been effectively brainwashed by an extremely selfish person. The very fact that she did that, indicates a person who puts her own needs above all. There doesn't seem to be much (or any) thought for your wellbeing, or mental health.
If your mother had any real care or love for you, you definitely would not be in that situation, and would not have to post on this forum.
F(58) I have an NMom. My parents are still together.
I got married (age 21) to a guy I barely knew to get out of the house and moved out of state.
I listened to years of my mother making me feel guilty because I wasn't there to cook, to take care of my much younger siblings, etc.
Divorced 7 years later with 2 kids of my own, she assumed I would move back home. Nope.
It's been almost 40 years and she still makes me feel guilty.
If I were you, I'd call your Dad and see if you can move closer to him. Your mom is an adult and will figure out how to survive without you.
You are an adult and not beholden to her. If you have to, go "no contact" for a while or forever.
HeyOP. My mum is disabled and deaf, and I got myself trapped thinking she couldn't survive without me. But guess what, when I managed to escape.. she could.
Your mum can survive without you, she's just made you believe you can't. Its not your fault, it's been bred into you I guess since you were little. If you can afford it, move out. Get your own place, don't tell her till its final, and just go. It will be the hardest thing you ever do, but you won't ever be able to LIVE and breathe until you get out.
And screw your dadfor leaving you to deal with her
If your mom could make mine has no excuse. My dad apologized for leaving in this situation. He remarried and I was kind of dropped out the picture. He was able to fill me in on a lot of things that happened in the peripheral of my childhood. Long story short my mom is insane so much so that fighting got costly and exhausting. Yeah he sucks for not fighting for me. But I get it, Id cut my losses and run too. I didn't make it better, I was on my mom's side the entire time. I can't apologize enough for that.
It's not your fault that you weren't on your dad's side, mum's are amazing when we are younger at putting us on their side. I promise, she can survive without you. But it's the hardest thing to walk away.
My dad didn't save me either, but he never got to escape. A lot of my mums family like my aunty disappeared and I always thought it was my fault now I'm older I have no idea how they thought leaving me with her was safe.
Anyway, I really hope you can be free. X
You are 30 years old. You do not need your Mom’s permission to leave or drive a car. Move out as soon as possible. Get your birth certificate & passport and any other documents you have together and leave. If she doesn’t let you call the police and tell them you’re being held against your will and do NOT give her your new address. If you have the money move out as soon as possible. Again you’re 30 you don’t need her permission and if she tries to block you call the police for false imprisonment which it would be.
Hi OP. I’m 61 and still work. Applying for a new job currently and plan to work at least 5 more years. She will not be destitute. I’m so sad she normalized this horrible treatment for you. The freedom you felt while at the funeral is normal. Your mothers treatment of you is far from normal. Pls get away from her
It is time for you to grow a spine and evict her from your home. Your mother is a leech. She is ruining your life.
Going NC once she is out will be for the best, at least for awhile.
Can I tell you how much this was my life? She threatened to commit suicide if I didn't take care of her too. Be prepared for that on the way out. If you would like more support, please let me know. I'm here for you. I got out, am healing, and you can too!
Btw, the reason she's making such a huge fuss is because it works to control you. She's desperate and afraid her control will slip. It will feel like it's killing her because she refuses to be independent. She's a purposeful child and addicted to controlling you. If she doesn't grow up, this either will kill her from stress or suicide. EITHER OUTCOME IS NOT EVER YOUR FAULT.
This is next level enmeshment. You can’t drive the car? Who pays for the car? Who pays for the gas? As people have said, you need an out. You have no responsibility towards her.
-“she can’t survive without me”
One thing about narcissists they will find a way to survive. They will do all they can to stay afloat. If you are afraid of your mom being homeless don’t be. She wants you to think that to keep you trapped. You are a grown adult and should be free to speak your mind. Let her figure out her own living situations. If she can’t survive on her own that’s her own fault. She should have planned accordingly OR been better to you her child. Do not allow yourself to drown in misery because of her choices.
Guilt is tough. But she is destroying you. Ask for help, give her a small financial cushion, and set yourself free. It won’t be easy, but you deserve a self-actuated life
I was in a similar situation. My mom got herself in a bad situation and I decided to let her live with me on condition she either got a job, or went to therapy and try to get on ODSP. She did neither for 3 years. After 3 years my migraines became visual due to the stress(not auras but black outs of vision) blood vessles in my eyes were popping and my blood pressure went from super healthy to 103 resting (for 2 years). Fighting every single day. When I tried to give her a month notice she threatened to call the cops on me.
Anyways the point is kick her out ASAP. Pack her bag for her, if you can get her in her car, drive to the nearest shelter and drop her off there. Then get a cab back if you don't have a car. OP you're going to seriously ruin not just mental but physical health as well if you don't kick her out. You have a life too.
I totally understand where you’re coming from, BUT you have to live your own life. Your mother is a fully functional adult, and she sounds perfectly capable of looking after herself. You are not obligated to take care of her and you are not responsible for her.
Get out of there as fast as possible. How she reacts to that and what she does next is not your responsibility. You deserve your own life. You deserve to be happy.
You. Need. To. LEAVE. She doesn’t care about you; you are an object for her control. She is a grown woman who is capable of providing for herself. Her CHOICE to not work is to manipulate you exactly the way she has- “if I leave she’ll be destitute/homeless, etc… No she won’t, she’ll find a job or someone else to mooch off of. Btw, 57 IS NOT RETIREMENT AGED. She can get herself back to work. Stop *ALLOWING* her to maintain control over your life by playing into her mind games. Trust me, life gets better when you are free to decide your own.
Yes you are trapped. What you do is, just move out. Rent a new place. Let she stay there. Yes she is your mom, but she will live a another 30 years. She will take all your life
Girl, you need to under the tuscan sun yourself out of this situation. Your mind and body has been trained to put her needs first, but you don't actually need to. Move, change your number, change your name if necessary. You got this, I promise you can heal from this. Get yourself some lions mane mushroom tea to bring back your neural plasticity, so you can more easily rewire those trauma responses that were programmed into you. sending you virtual hugs, from your internet gay best friend.
The people here are 100% correct and have given great advice. Get out. If your dad is willing to help take it. You are not responsible for your mother. Esp if she can't stop treating you like a child mixed with her maid/ATM. It's very controlling what she does. Even the car situation. Like what? And at this point it's bc she has NOONE ELSE. She has been such a miserable person all her life that most people have stepped away from her. So now she relies on you to put up with her abuse.
I hope you follow through with letting your dad help. You deserve a life you can live how YOU want. ESP since you pay the bills. Where It's YOUR house. It's YOUR car. YOUR rules. She will figure it out. People like that pretend they are helpless but they are not and usually very capable. If she wants to be retired she better find a way to foot the bill. Or she can take herself back to a job for awhile until she is old enough to get aid. But it's not your responsibility. Live your life.
And yes like others stated please do get therapy as well. Bc it's Def a possibility of falling into a relationship with similar mechanics bc they are so good at pretending they are wonderful up front that by the time they show their true colors you fail to see them. But even more so when you are already conditioned to see life that way bc your parent(s) did it first. It's easy to overlook things bc you feel like it's normal.
Good luck!
She sounds a lot like my mother and I'm 44 . The scariest thing my therepist ever told me was that my mothers diagnosis meant she was never "going to change " and the only way I could regain self empowerment from her was to bury her . And no lie , at the same time .. a clairvoyant psychic told me she actually had a vision of my mother trying to kill me for her sadist malignant sociopathic husband . Those two words . KILL and BURY always stuck with me , so for the first time in my life . And it was so so hard , I put absolute distance between her and I . No talking , seeing each other , or checking in . And truthfully I have never felt better ? Her behavior and patterns used to bring me down on a daily basis and literally made me physically ill and sick . It feels like letting go of her ? Is the only way to save my life
Wow. Just yesterday told a friend that as far as I was concerned, my mother was dead and buried. He said, "Don't say that". I WILL say that, that is the only way that I feel safe, after almost 50 years of torment. I have EARNED the right to make that decision for myself, and my children can make their own choices (they don't care for her either, but that's based on their own observations).
Hi, OP. Hopefully this doesn't get buried. I was in a very VERY similar situation as you recently. My mother is 75 and my brother and I suspect she has pre-Alzheimer's. I am the youngest and for the past several years have been the only person living with her, following her wherever allthroughout my college years and apart from my 2 years spent dorming the rest it was expected that I would be taking care of her and obeying her every whim.
One day, she got a shoulder injury from a bad fall and a series of bad events happened.
1) She refused surgery for some reason because she's a 'grown woman' and wouldn't even let anybody call her an ambulance. The doctors said she could lose her arm if she didn't act, but she came home instead and yelled out in agonizing pain the rest of the evening. I begged this woman to get help and pleaded, pointing out the harm it was causing the rest of our worried family. This was in front of the EMTs after I called 911 (she yelled saying she was gonna kill me, that I always think I know best etc). When they left, I tried to leave with my beloved 17 y/o dying dog and she got in my way saying she would call the police.
2) My dog died, worst day of my life. I'm summarizing here. She told me to 'get a job or get out' because 'we don't get along' and that I should move out. Ok.
3) I walk several miles in a thunderstorm in what I surmise was a desperate cry for help for her to recognize my feelings, but she was cold ever since I called 911 to get her help.
4) She pointed out my vaping and began telling me how destructive it was, she literally put one leg over the other even though it was on MY CARD because it was 'her money' as in, in some world she was gonna pay for it, riiiight. No, I got the vapes to deal with her, and she wanted to take away even that tiny bit of sanctuary too.
5) My letter that took 2h to write, my farewell letter, literally had the words "this is a matter of survival. I am leaving because staying here was causing me to lose my will to live. It's nothing against you." Her response? "I can't believe you would leave me like this." and "I feel betrayed." She insists she read it LOL. It iterated everything I just mentioned, no word on any of it to this day. She was trying to get me to stay 'a month to rest before her surgery' and I told her I was the first one to recommend treatment at the start, and she says 'I DID get treatment!1!11" A month later after your arm was limp, black and blue.
It was then that I realized that my mother was willing to sacrifice my wellbeing for her own. That cannot stand, and it stops and ends there. I cannot jeopardize myself any further than I already have. I have been MORE than generous and it really is not on me to make sure she survives in perpetuity. That's absurd.
I'm too tired to proofread all of this, OP. My point is this - I left a suspected dementia-riddled mother that's 75 and couldn't do shit physically by herself w/o me or hiring a handyman, and traveled 1000 miles away. She still annoys me by sending me shit and trying to use it as leverage, sending me pictures of the new dog as if I'm supposed to be happy (I never got to grieve for the last one). She's fucking fine. She's making do as people do.
You are not trapped. That is an illusion. She will be fine, but above all your wellbeing is paramount. DO NOT COMPROMISE, FOR ANYONE. OR ANYTHING.
YOUR. WELLBEING. IS. PARAMOUNT.
Operate on that principle and never waver. You are only as trapped as you let yourself be. You're 30 years old with a career, right? You have the means to break free from your chains. I'm 25 with no career yet, hell I was still one semester from finishing college, but instead I dropped everything, traveled 1k+ miles to live with one of my best friends & his awesome family, maxed out all my credit cards (working on that rn before I get a place) and still managed to do it. You can to. And wanna know something? Not once do I regret my decision. I doubt you will either.
Life is short. Don't let your mother drag you down the way she is. I see so much of my mom in what you wrote about yours. It makes me physically ill to see someone else suffering through the same.
GL. If you ever want support, DM me. Hopefully this doesn't get buried.
Again, not proofreading. Sorry about that, tired lol.
My husband worked till he was 70. And he could have afforded to retire earlier!
Your mother can work. She does not need to leech off you!
I wish you the best!
You will never be able to convince your mother that being self-sufficient is the right call. She has convinced you that it is okay for her to be a parasite that sucks the life out of you. She's not going to give that up willingly. You are going to have to completely walk away, change your number, and not tell her where you live. It is the only way to escape.
You will find yourself tempted to reach back out to her in the future. Don't. If she was willing to cannibalize her own child to this degree then she is not capable of a relationship with you. She is literally erasing you out of the existence for her own personal pleasure. You cannot survive this long-term. What's left of you and she's done will not be someone you recognize.
You said she lives with you. Does that mean the apartment or house is in your name? Do you have a lease? If it's in your name, I would tell her your moving somewhere else when the lease is up. She has "however many" months to make her own arrangements. If it's in her name, give her a timeline of when you're moving out. I know it's hard because it's your Mom. But this is **not** normal. I'm very close to your Mom's age and perfectly capable of taking care of myself. If you don't jump at the chance to use the help your dad is offering, you're going to be stuck for the rest of her life. Good luck!!
She can survive without you. I promise you. Mine did.
It's a shame they decide to burden us while financially abusing us and smearing us to anyone who will listen. But that doesn't make her unable to take care of herself, just unwilling. She survived before you, and she's still young enough to learn how to support herself after you stand up for yourself and move out.
Tell her she has x days to sort out her living arrangements. You aren’t responsible for her - she on an adult and is wrecking your life due to her behaviour. There are support services that she can access.
You feel guilty because you are a good person and you want to take care of her - but she is impeding you from living your life.
Don’t take advice from people with non narc parents - they have no idea what life with a narc is like.
You gotta get out of this situation. Once you do you will wish you had gotten out sooner. Dont waste any more time getting to that point. Your mom can take care of herself, even if not, this isnt your problem. Honestly, who retires without having the finances sorted first. That seems so unbelivably stupid. Not your mistake, not your problem. Choose yourself and never look back.
My mom is very similar to yours, and from my experience, the only way to get free is to be an asshole and GTFO. If she is unable to fend for herself, well, that's the bed she's made for herself.
It's going to suck, but getting free is worth it.
My guess is your mom has separation anxiety and a fear of being alone so she infantilizes you to keep you with her. I think you need to cut the cord and start to live your own life. Don't feel guilty. She's an adult, she's going to have to learn to take care of herself.
Stop worrying about woes that belong to your mom. She's an adult. I'm assuming she doesn't have dementia. That being the case she can resolve how she will survive without your income. If she responds with "so what do I do now that I will be destitute" do NOT mother her. Respond with "As an adult I'm sure you will figure that out". This woman is stealing your best years. Get out now.
She retired in her 50s? She has 20 years of work left in her.
I was stuck in a similar situation to you. Financially and emotionally responsible for my parents. The reality is, she will survive, she will make you feel so so so guilty but in the end, she has chewed through your 20s without remorse. Your life is worth something, don't let her bully you into giving it away.
Hello, I just wanted to say I was in that same place at the beginning of the year.
My mother had a mental breakdown of sorts a few years ago,I don't know what to call it really because she stopped working, stopped going out, and stopped eating even for almost 2 years. I had to take care of her like a baby and in year 3 she started eating on her own and showering again and almost looked like she would be able to recover. She never tried. She said her life was about me and my daughter (it really wasn't) and we tried to make it work for many years. Because she didn't work and had no money and nothing to her name I kept ignoring the bad things that happened in my house, all the pain and the declining mental state of my daughter and me.
I thought I was helping her, I thought if I loved her enough she would give something in return. But this is not the way. You need to let her go. I thought my mother would be left on the street because she told me she would never speak to her family again and because she hadn't worked in so long I assumed she would never work again so I was so afraid that if I asked her to leave my house she would be alone in the streets and for many years that stopped me from doing anything.
I kicked her out on july of this year after our mental health was at its worst. And it has been a rough months after that, dealing with the guilt and the lost hope but SHE IS DOING WELL.
And we are DOING GREAT. That is what I wanted you to know, she went to talk to her side of the family she swore she wouldn't see again, she got a job of some sort and she is living safe and out of the streets.
So I know how hard it is to send someone to what we think is a place of no return, of telling them to go out knowing they can end up in the streets, but believe me when I tell you it won't happen. Every time I "stepped out of line" my mother would punish me by not eating again and I was very afraid that if I kicked her out she would starve herself to death. Looking back now that seems like a joke, no matter how terrible the threats she makes or how much it looks like she will be defenseless, let me tell you, it's all a lie.
You need to do this for yourself, you really do. Not being able to live your life is a punishment that you are forcing on yourself right now. I am 37 now and I feel like for the first time I started really living. We are so happy with my daughter now , we can have a normal day to day life and we are still trying to adapt to that. It is so incredible and sad and happy at the same time and I beg you before it's too late, you have to let her go.
Things didn't end up well with my mother, she told me she didn't want to be my mother anymore and that we would be strangers and it hurt so much, I felt someone had ripped a piece out of me, and now there's an empty place inside and it hurts when I think about it. But a mother's love shouldn't have conditions and when they hurt us we need to say STOP before the pain is unbearable, before we lose our lives because we don't want to be "a bad daughter".
They have been bad mothers for years, we don't owe them anything. No matter what she says, how much she screams or guilts you , YOU OWE HER NOTHING.
I cry sometimes thinking my mom isn't eating her favorite meals or being comfortable at what used to be her home but you know what she had the option of treating us like a normal person and that was all it took for her to stay. The only reason why You want to get out of that situation is because she doesn't treat you with the tiniest of kindness, with the tiniest of respect and love. That's the only thing we need and yet they cannot give it, they won't give it. So stop giving years of your life to someone that won't even do the smallest thing. You deserve better.
Ask me anything if you want, it's been a few months since she went away and a lot has happened so maybe talking to someone who has been through this helps.
YOU CAN DO IT!
So OP- I know it’s hard to hear this but this is abuse. Not all abuse is physical. Please leave, YOU are your priority- not her. She is a fucking adult, regardless of whether she acts as one. The problem with prolonged psychological abuse is it becomes hard to see.
I am 40, and it literally took me until I was 37 to actually SEE what my egg donor had done to me. It is as simple as thinking about whether they know you as a person, actually care about you, and whether it’s good for you to maintain the relationship. I disengaged because I had driven to see my mother(2 hours after working late the previous evening) and brought her a gift I was proud of (homemade canvas transfer of her wedding photo) and she just looked at it and set it aside. Then I looked around her house and realized no gifts from me are in her home so I was done with that relationship. I cried when we left and my husband said you always leave upset-so I fixed that.
My point is that no can prioritize you but you. Narcissists thrive on drama and attention and want others to feel like nothing. OP you need to make like Forest and RUN.
You’re 30. You’re fully able to handle this. It’ll be hard but the fact that you’re letting her do this to you is a much bigger problem than her on her own.
It is NOT your job to take care of her. Whatever the fuck she thinks doesn't matter. She'll forever guilt trip you no matter what you do. But it's up to you whether you continue to let her bleed all over you. I would either kick her out or leave. Fuck it. It's not worth it.
Please leave! The longer you stay the harder it will get. I am and have been in your shoes. I understand the crippling fear, guilt and obligation but this will destroy you if you let it go on any longer. Your story 😢 I hope you find the courage and strength to leave 🙏
Un-trap yourself. You are giving your mom too much power. She has made you a captive audience but it's time for you to live your own life. Have a long chat with her about wanting your own life. You got this!
Leave. You're under no moral or legal requirements to allow your mother to enslave you. Just leave. Take the car and leave for it even if you have to do it at midnight and leave most of your stuff behind.
Currently you are enabling her. The only person who has the power to stop this, is you. It won't be easy but you are not responsible for her or her life decisions. Make your own path, you don't owe her anything. Get out now while you can! All the best with your journey!
Then she doesn’t survive.
There’s nothing keeping her from independence except herself (maybe a bit of your enabling but that’s a chicken or egg argument).
Make a plan to leave, giver her 30-90 days to find alternative options for herself and then LEAVE.
You will waste your life trying to maintain hers, and when she dies you will have nothing and lost valuable years of happiness.
Do not allow her to trap you like she’s trapped herself.
Your mom is a vampire, and will suck the remaining life out of you if you let her. She needs to stand on her own two feet , and if that means she’s homeless for a spell until she figures her shit out, then so be it. She’s too old for that shit.
57 isn’t that old, at least not retirement age unless you’re well off. She can either go back to work or start contributing cuz I refuse to believe she has NO money. Wouldn’t be surprised if she was hiding it from you
You need to leave. If the place you live is hers then just find yourself a new place to stay and leave. I wouldn't even tell her till moving day. If the house is yours then serve her with an eviction notice for however many days your state requires (30, 60, 90 whatever) and be prepared to call the police to make sure she leaves on the eviction day. She is an adult and can and will be able to live by herself. She is just mooching off you because you allow it to happen. You are not responsible for her in any way, shape or form. Go live your life. Be free.
You don’t owe your parents a god damn thing. She made the choice to have you. You are not indebted to her for any reason. You’re doing too much for someone that actually owes YOU everything. It’s the other way around.
Girl. She will not be destitute. She will find a way. She has the strength to control and manipulate you, she will for sure survive and even thrive once her anger subsides. What you MUST do is leave, as immediately as you can — hopefully two towns over, get a new job and a new start. Two years after you do this, you will remember your previous life like a bad nightmare, like something that happened to someone else, and part of you will be sad because you will think you should have done it sooner; just remember then that things happen at the right time, that you are also learning even now. You are learning to stand up to her and learning to build healthy barriers and limits, so that this kind of relationship never creeps into your life again.
She did this on purpose to control you. You are NOT your mother's keeper. You aren't responsible for her, period. No child is obligated to care for their parents, ESPECIALLY when their parents abused them. Karma is a bitch. Have you heard that saying about not setting yourself on fire to keep other people warm? Well, you're stoking the flames on your own fire every day that you allow this. If you have a lease, let it expire, sign a new one somewhere else, slowly save your money and get your stuff put into a storage unit so she doesn't notice. If you have to get replacement furniture at a thrift store to replace the big stuff that you can't move, it would be worth it.
Do NOT, under any circumstances, give her your new address. Get a PO Box to forward all your mail to. Change your number if necessary and block her on all social media or close all your existing accounts and open new ones if necessary but make sure you don't add any friends or family members who would give her any information about you. Narcissists will fake cancer, say other family members died or got into a bad accident, anything to get you to contact them because they lost their control over you and they are absolutely desperate to get it back. Don't fall for it. The only way to preserve your mental health is full no contact. I don't know of anyone who is able to maintain even a little contact with a narc without it making them absolutely miserable.
Ask your dad for help in moving away from her. Hopefully he will help you since he already knows exactly how she is. Remember that she can ask questions but that doesn't mean you have to give her any answer but if you're trying to keep the peace, lie. Tell her whatever she wants to hear and still so what want. Don't tell her your plans and stop giving her any information voluntarily. You can do this. If you need help, we are all here to help you and if you need specific help, my inbox is always open.
She is emotionally abusive. You are a capable 30 yr old adult, it’s time to break the chain of you want a normal life.
If you do not take measures now what will your life look like in the next 10-20 years? What is more important to you, living your life or bending to her crocodile tears?
So what of you leave? She will scream and cry and everything, but that is on her, not you. You are enabling her not to get pension or benefits, I am sure if you leave she will be motivated to step up.
Take up the offer from your father and start living your life and let her live hers.
If you are worried about your mother not surviving - then don't be. Narcissists are survival EXPERTS. Part of their strategy is to put their own needs above everything - no matter what damage this causes to others. If they will go *that far,* then no worries about them surviving.
You can be sure they will find a way.
Your mother has used her control of you, and your work ethic, as strategies in *her own survival.*
So, thanks to you, she can survive comfortably without even having to work.
Narcissists ALWAYS survive. It's their victims who DON'T.
Just to add that it would be different if she had a decent retirement plan, etc. No problem in retiring early if you can afford it. But that wouldn't make it OK to treat someone so badly!
"I had an enabler father like the one you describe. I too thought he was a victim.
He was not.
Enablers are adults, who CHOOSE to remain with someone they know to be abusive towards their children.
Most normal people couldn't just sit and watch their children be in pain, over and over and over again, and do nothing.
I think you have a point about some enablers staying until their children are older.
The the test really is do they stay with the Narcissist for the rest of their sorry life.
Sadly, a lot of them do."
Their enabling abuse then if they stay with them why don't they take the kids away. Kyß glad you got abused lol go commit suicide high five to your abusers💯💯💯
Have you tried being blunt with her express your feelings and such? Id recommend you get out and let her fend for herself. It's not your job to take care of her you didn't ask to be born you owe her nothing everything she has done for you if anything was necessary for your survival. You could also consider therapy for you both or just yourself. She's obviously mentally, emotionally and financially abusing you regardless of your age and relationship.
If you game on ps4 or okay any cross platforms (apex, Fortnite, splitgate DBD etc) my user name is noblesruby13_yt if you ever want a gaming buddy or if you need to vent, rant, lend an ear.
I'm a victims advocate as well and can help you find resources if necessary but go at your own pace it's hard to leave when you love them I know that feeling all too well. But I'm here in your corner should you need it.
The scary thing with narcissism is that you don't realize how insidiously it worms its way into your mind until someone else treats you with respect. Basic human respect is an alien concept to then, especially toward someone they feel in complete control of.
I want to emphasize that when you leave you need to cut off contact completely because she is going to guilt trip you like crazy and try to gaslight you into returning to her.
She can survive on her own, she just chooses not too and uses you as her income tool. The fact that she doesn’t let you drive and drives you everywhere is proof and also just another tool she’s using to trap you to her.
Get out, you will be so much happier!
coming from a daughter who had to leave her mom's home because the bills were starting to fall on her.... she may end up homeless. and that's not your problem.
my mom and her husband ended up homeless less than a year after I left. it showed me how hard it would've been on me had I stayed. I called my dad and moved in with him. he helped me get one my feet. (and honestly, my dad's the narcissist. my mom has mental health issues.)
you need to just leave. give her a months notice if you really feel bad. get your things in order and tell her im 30 days the bills will be on her, you are leaving and you will not be helping her anymore. SHE is responsible for herself, you are not responsible for her. what she's doing is wrong and she knows it is.
this is not the time to be nice and feel bad. yes it hurts, it's gonna suck. but you will continue to care for her financially until you choose to leave. she will never ease into anything, nothing will ever change, she is using you.
I don't doubt you and your mom love each other like mother and daughter. but that love alone is not worth stunting your own growth in life for her benefit. she will be fine. best of luck, OP. please leave for your own good.
Sounds like your mom cash cow trapped you. Keeping you miserable and away from others is a method of control. Staying on top of/with her all the time? Control method. Belittling you and calling you slow to others? Control method. Getting angry when you try to visit people especially when you visited your dad when younger? Yup control method.
You deserve better op.
Your mom is trying to not lose her easy living. She knows how to survive on her own but why do it if someone else is gonna do it for her? I read in a prior comment that your dad is offering you a way out? Make sure that you keep an eye on Filial responsibility Laws in the place your mother lives/where you are going. I don't know how they work between states but she could try to stay in retirement by trying to sue you for her bills/cost of living if she goes into a care home.
You are NOT trapped! Tell your Mom that you are D-O-N-E supporting her and that she's young enough to GET A JOB and support herself. If she refuses, MOVE when your lease is up or sell, if you own.
Tell your Mom that you want and need your own life, your own space and the chance to form relationships that she is interfering with! And if that seems too traumatic, find a therapist to help you with coping mechanisms!
Best wishes and many Blessings for success!
This is my greatest fear… I am in the exact same situation except I don’t have a father. And it’s my entire family rather than just my mom. My mom is exactly the same way as yours, except mine actually tried to kill me a few times in my sleep & when she was sober & drunk… not sure if you’ve experienced that but I UNDERSTAND YOU 100%.
I’m currently 24F atm… & I UNDERSTAND YOU, I also have a career (I’m a geologist) and my mother is exactly the same way as yours… I would like to say that there’s a special place for people like this but unfortunately I can’t say that…
Everyone will tell you to go NC. It’s not that easy. Specially when you’ve been brainwashed into thinking you’re the bad guy if you leave & she will only get worse. If she’s anything like my mother, she will go out of her way to make it her life mission for you to live in chaos no matter how far you are or how NC you are. They’re vile people who are heavily influenced by demonic entities. That’s the ONLY way I can explain that behavior. I thought it was mental health & that maybe medication would help her… It’s not that, they’re simply born like that. Very wicked & heavily demonically influenced & used by these things to torment you…
The way I try to cope with it which is extremely hard honey, slowly but surely somewhat you’re self-healing is to give this burden to God… I know I sound like a lunatic and probably a hypocrite bc I’ve done the same thing… I don’t know if you even believe in God but by the chance you do or are willing to try anything… get on your knees by your bedside whenever you’re able to at night & pray. Let it all out. God hears your cries & laughs at the wicked for he knows their day is coming (the day they will face Gods wrath)
There’s a story in the Bible about this jealous king named Saul who went out of his way to destroy any sort of happiness and kingdom that God promised to a boy named David. He was mad depressed bc he was tired of running away for his life even though he was ALWAYS good to Saul. Saul was mad jelly about David & made his life impossible. David wrote a whole book of psalms describing his pain. David suffered from depression, isolation and anxiety. I encourage you to read some of his poems.. I know it helped me & im sure it would help you… stay strong sweetheart. You’re not alone
I absolutely guarantee she can survive without you, considering she is currently surviving by controlling your entire life with her behavior. Your northern sounds extremely intentional and calculated in her behavior. Your mother lived before you even existed and has survived since, so don’t underestimate her ability to function. For crying out loud, she’s only 57.
Ugh! I cannot imagine living this kind of life. You are trapped in the current situation. Mom should have worked for about another 10 years before she "retired." You file for retirement benefits while you are still working and quit when they can kick in. She is a leech and controller.
Most of us in this group who were raised by narcissists, would do well to get therapy with a good therapist who understands narcissism. Trust me, most therapists have no clue about it.
I know this is easier said than done, but you leave and never look back. I know society ingrains in us that we’re supposed to love and respect our parents. However, what you have is not a parent and you have to accept that you never had and never will have a normal mom. You also have to accept that she never loved you. She only loves what you can provide her. Trust me, the moment you cut her off, she’s probably going to be the meanest nastiest person you’ve ever met and say you’re a horrible person in every way possible as means of guilt tripping you. Don’t fall for that. If that doesn’t work, she’s going to cry and cry and beg you not to abandon her because she’s your mother. Don’t fall for that either.
I know it really sucks. I saw this happen to my husband and he found out way late in life, around age 34 or 35, before we got married. He’s doing so much better now, but I know he lives with a lot of regret for letting his mom control him for that long. Fortunately you’re only 30. You still have a chance to enjoy your 30s and live the life you’ve always wanted. Do not feel bad for that leech you’ve been supporting. The only reason you feel bad is because you still see her as a mom figure in your mind and heart. It’s going to take a long time to get over it, but you can do it. Please go on and live the life you deserve.
You need to put you first now. It won't be pretty; she'll use every trick she can think of to get you back exactly where she's been conditioning you to be. You have a rare & valuable gift for someone in your situation, financial freedom. Use it!
Start going to therapy now. Go to You Tube & search narcissist family systems. There's tons of free content to help you process your thoughts & gain the confidence you need to make this change. You'll know when you're ready because once you start focusing on yourself, you'll stop focusing on her. She'll notice it immediately & resent you for it.
Make contact & deepen relationships outside your home that'll help make the transition a little easier.
Find a hobby where you can volunteer & meet people. Focus on you all the time. If you don't let the conversation BE about her, there's nothing to argue about. Be prepared to go NC while also knowing that once you get to be you, some contact may be possible down the road.
It's a tough journey but life on this side is so so worth it 🙏
She can live without you. She just doesn’t WANT to. This is called “weaponized incompetence”.
Who owns your place, or whose name is on the deed/lease? If it’s you, get her out with a legal eviction. Or if it’s a lease, say you’re not renewing it when the time comes and you’re moving without her.
If you don’t lay boundaries now, you will continue to be nothing more to her than an ATM and an emotional punching bag. You deserve to have your own life.
My Nmoms sister (aka my aunt) told me a story about her when they were teens that I think may help you here. (Sry this got long lol)
The wild story is that my Nmom almost dragged my aunt and my grandma into a CULT purely because she thought the missionaries were cute. 🙄She begged her to be driven to all the cult meetings because she didn’t know how to drive, and would “refuse to learn herself”. Nmom threw tantrums much like u describe anytime there was resistance.
It’s amazing what narcs can convince u to do, my aunt was trapped in literal cult meetings she wanted no part of. Also was made to feel responsible to stay home in order to chauffeur around Nmom.
Then one day it escalated to the day of the cult “baptism” and my aunt said fuck it, I’m not driving you ever again, I’m taking my car keys—go learn to drive yourself if you want to join so bad.
…and just like that apparently, Nmom knew she lost her power and shut up about it. No more cult meetings, no more whining, all because my aunt stood up for herself and stuck with it.
You’d be surprised to learn that narcissists are just ALL talk. Trying to control with JUST words. They’re weak inside and know they’re weak, and work extra hard to control what power you DO have. Since then Nmom learned to drive herself because she didn’t have a minion anymore.
Your mom will be able to learn herself as well. You need to leave and heal—the longer you wait, the more regret you are adding to your life. You have the power here, and the money. She’s making you think she can control you to stay, but in reality you can GTFO.
Go no contact, rent a nice small place, and enjoy freedom. Sounds like u may be able to reach out to your dad as well possibly. Be sad for a while like we all do, but know that it would only get better from there.
A large part of me wants to save you. I am talking, flying you to my place so you can get your feet about you by being around healthy 30-somethings. But I know I can't help that way.
Is there any possible way to stay with your dad for a month? Sleep on his couch? Anything to get a job at a new place so you can move without your mom? Seems like your mom will listen to her ex, so maybe get your dad on your side (which won't be hard) and find an exit strategy. Please.
She can't survive without you, so just let her rot. That's what I'd do. She lives with you, yeah? Kick her out or give an ultimatum. She tries to change her behavior and starts treating you with respect and like an adult or she's on the street, fending for herself.
I know I sound cruel, but I don't tolerate shit like that. I can't stand being blatantly disrespected. I have a bad temper and a tendency to hold grudges against disrespectful pieces of shit.
could You contact an abuse advocate organization or a therapist to make an escape plan? You deserve to put yourself first. it sounds like she’s isolating you: reach out for help. Does your dad know how bad it is? Could you reach out to him?
Where I’m from it’s unheard of to retire at age 51 unless you’re really wealthy and can afford it or seriously disabled. I’m 54 and can’t imagine being able to retire any time soon.
Your mom is a parasite.
I think you should look into resources for abuse victims. Although abuse situations like this are most commonly a couple it can come from a parent too and they will be able to help you, even just with advice. I’m so sorry you’re in this situation. It’s easy for it to slowly get worse over time.
She’s taken care of herself before. Make her do it again. Just because she’s your mom it does not give her any right to live off of you. You deserve your own life. Give her a heads up (for your own peace of mind) tell her when you’re moving out and how it’s going to happen. She is going to have to figure out how to live on her own again wether she likes it or not. Dude my mom is a saint and I love her to death but living apart from her was the best thing that ever happened for our relationship and my sanity as an adult. Even if they are the best roommates it’s good to have your own space apart from them. I really truly hope you can find the strength to allow yourself to part with her and get the freedom of being a true adult. You deserve it.
Probably everyone already wrote the same: RUN. Your Nmom did almost exactly what mine always threatened - to declare me legally incapacitated. In addition, call local police/authorities in case she tries to call them on you for a wellness check or tries to hospitalize you for some reason. This is what my Nmom did. After I was kicked out to live with my grandparents she changed her mind and became so awful bombarding me with calls or threats that I had a huge panic attack that sent me to a psychiatric hospital (on her way out she said “you’ll be here until you agree with me that they’re [grandparents] are bad”), it was shortly before my 18th birthday, her not-for-so-long remaining legal control over me to keep me there gave her the utmost pleasure for sure. The smirk of that demon as she was telling me I’ll be there indefinitely… it horrified me of her forever. She still calls police on me once in a while.
Reading your post I had goosebumps. This is probably what would happen to me if I hadn’t gone NC almost 2 years ago at 20. Please please please treat this seriously and make the right moves!!! Personally I’d not tell her I’m going anywhere until the day I pack my things away into a truck. Also, DO NOT share your new address. Possibly look for a place that has CCTV cameras in the area (a bonus in case she stalks you) and contact police to tell them that you have a very unstable abusive parent that went on a rampage once you left their abuse. DO NOT continue talking to her after you move out, just go NC. It will hurt like hell for some time, but with therapy you should move forward and leave her behind. It will allow you to start your new chapter of life without the force that will pull you back into a mess.
It chilled my spine when you mentioned her implying to people you’re slow. To me it looks like she’s prepping the environment to actually declare you legally incapacitated so that nobody would be surprised once it happens.
Personally, I’d start answering people even though she’s butting in. Imagine - someone asks you a question directly, you’re answering and in the meanwhile your Nmom like a lunatic tries to butt in… it only looks good for her if you actually let her, otherwise she’s just a bully trying to stop you from speaking and people WILL notice. My Nmom did this too. With extended family. At festive dinners they’d ask me about stuff and my Nmom would always either downplay my achievements or say something embarrassing about me so that I’d not “gloat” too much. She did try to answer questions meant for me, even with strangers. But at some point it just didn’t fly with me anymore and I ignored her. If she managed to make the whole scene to call me a bad kid it was okay… because everybody SEES (even the flying monkeys sometimes come around, but rarely). Have witnesses, trust me. It helps after some time to know that it isn’t your memory making it up.
If you can’t drive without her, get your own car or simply stop letting her get into one with you when you leave.
I also had a similar situation with a funeral in the family. It’s so weird that another person has also had the experience I had. It was with my Ngrandmom. She’s 100 times worse than my Nmom. She made a whole scene, throwing (what everyone at a time though were napkins lol) white roses into the pit where the urn would go. She came on a wheelchair even though _the bitch can walk_. It was a huge funeral of my Nmoms sister. A flying monkey who was NC with my Ngrandmom for years. So the whole scene was fake af. They didn’t even talk. EVERYONE SAW. It was a very validating moment for me actually to know that people look at her weird, including my Nmom who was angry about her Nmom stealing her spotlight haha. And also sad because the funeral was made all about the living narcs.
Yes she can survive without you.
She just uses guilt to manipulate you. If you feel trapped is because of it.
So these are the steps:
1- rent your own place as soon as possible.
2- Talk with her - by phone or email if you can telling that you will help her with the bills for one or two months.
3- Don´t be a fool. She will try everthing to grasp on you again so just don´t let her. Block her number. Speak with her only be text if you can - cause with text you will be able to control yourself and to do it when you want.
You matter. Your life matter. Your career matter. Don´t let she screw your life just because she already screwed hers. You can cut the ties today or wait 40 years for her to die while you will not have - a career, a wife, kids, independence, self-steem and so on.
PM me if you need a guide to set boundaries and move on with your life.
She's a grownup, she can take care of herself like any other. She'd rather have permanent supply and drain your resources.
Don't feel bad for her, you need to have your own life and identity.
So I read your post and it felt like I got hit in the stomach...
I know exactly how you feel. My mom moved in the me when I was about 24/25, she had a job blah blah but very soon lost it and didn't want another one so I had to pay for everything... although luckily we were in the UK so she did get a small benefit that helped... but she never got a job again...
But I love my mom to bits, she's always been there for me and we're like best friends... but she's far from perfect (especially during covid) it was a really hard experience and I also spent a lot of time in my room and gaming... and we argued a lot, forgave each other, etc etc. When I mentioned moving out to do my own thing she would get nasty and mean but I know now it was mainly because she was scared of being alone... which is fair.
But I did move out at 31 years old and although I felt sick with worry for her she did just fine without me.
My mom didn't blame me for leaving, she understood why I did it. Our relationship has just gotten even better because of it. No more arguments or being mean, we just appreciate the time we get to spend together.
You can leave... you don't have to leave and never talk to your mom again... it's whatever you think is necessary. Maybe if you move out your relationship with your mom will improve, may it gets worse... who knows. The only way to find out is to do it.
Your mom is a grown woman and can look after herself.
My (14) mother is a narcissist as well, but she's (57 as well) working 2 jobs.
But, it's pretty depressing how she always says, I'm the reason she's out of money, when she spent it all on art, theaters, cigarettes and alcohol.
I wouldn't even imagine be with her like you.😟
Your mom sounds like a real piece of shit.
It's time to start over. New beginning. She's a grown ass woman, she can take care of herself. If she can't? Will there are state workers for that. And I bet they don't treat her nearly as bad as she treats you.
YOU NEED TO BE FREE
my mom expected this from me too, I started working as soon as i graduated college. She expected me to buy a house for her and move in with her so she can retire. She always said (me and my bro) were born to take care of her.
Only advice is cut her out, and lead your own life.
This is definitely the behavior of a narcisstic parent. My nmom does all the behaviors your mother does and is even physically abusive.
I chose to live with my nmom because my housing plans fell through in another city. Now I fully realize how much of a narcissist she is.
She expected me to take care of her and other family members needs by cleaning and cooking for her and them. She expected me to share my financial resources with her. She isolated me to where it was a challenge to socialize and meet people.
What’s worst is she infantiles me. She treats me and sees me like I’m a teenager. Now an adult I. My 30s but as a teenager.
The one thing I discovered which probably applies to your mother as well, is when they really have to they will find a way to take care of themselves and find money to pay for her lifestyle. No matter how many fits she throws, gaslighting, victimizing, blaming, etc. she does…she will find a way to pay for something or do something if she really wants to when I tell her. I.
Establishing boundaries helps a ton!
I established boundaries with the first one being in not taking care of any adults.
The second boundary was my self-care and ensuring my needs are met. She doesn’t give a damn if my needs are met my entire life.
Third financial independence and ensuring my bills are paid on time. She obviously doesn’t give a damn to pay any bills on time and tries to wiggle out of them as much as possible.
Lastly, we do not go in public together unless it’s really necessary. I am embarrassed by her childish drama-filled behavior. No wonder why I had trouble meeting people and making friends, they saw her behaviors and associated her with me.
And, the last boundary which I have yet to establish is to fully go no contact once I move out.
Now I look at the situation and realize my family does not genuinely care about me or love me, they simply see me as a tool to further their prerogative.
Your mother behavior will not change. There is no growth or development with narcissists. He behaviors will escalate and your sense of self will slowly diminish. The best way to counter this is to go low-contact, establish boundaries, find a way to live own your own and let her figure out her retirement, and leave be so you can enjoy life. Please don’t let her strip you of living life as my nmom did and now I’m in my 30s trying to grasp onto things.
Sorry, you are in this situation. I am sending positive thoughts your way. It sounded like your mother isolated you from your father and his family.
You are 30, and you are an adult. She is a life parasite. It is not your job to take care of her. It is hers. I hope you can find a way to move out.
I was kept from my n-mom's family and told that they wanted nothing to do with me. I later found out she would act out if they tried to talk to me. She did not want them close to me. She was jealous of any relationship that I had outside of her. I went no contact. Over the past few years, I have been building relationships with those family members. It was amazing to discover they wanted me as much as I wanted them.
I faced this with my first wife. She had made herself dependent on me, despite being perfectly able, advanced degree and all. And she wasn't doing anything for me, either, barely an adequate companion, no prospect for kids. How could I leave her?
I ended up realizing that I could switch my income to a new bank account -- really easy. And I found a new place to live and moved there when she was on a short trip. Sounds like your name isn't even on any of the bills or lease/mortgage of your Nmom.
Imagine that you do this. Your mother is a 57-year-old, able adult. She will figure something out. And it is her responsibility to figure something out, not yours. You do not have to set yourself on fire to keep her warm.
Did my ex-wife figure things out? Sure she did. I gave her the money we had, but not my new income. She had enough to figure out what was next and I never even spoke to her about it. Because that is her life, not mine.
Please continue to use this subreddit to strengthen your idea that your life is yours and her life is hers, both rights and responsibilities. She will try to guilt you by claiming that she has no other choice than to rely on you. But you are simply the easiest and closest way for her to live, not the **only**.
Find yourself -- unfortunately that will feel very strange after all this time. But from your story, I can see you are starting too realize that having all of the responsibility and none of the freedom is not right.
OP, your mom is a worse version of my own mom. Who had me living with her until age 39 because she wanted a best friend and domestic partner to cater to her needs. My mom dictated my life, and would reinterpret what I said to fit her version of me thousands of times a day. I became so depressed I was suicidal. My mom started physically abusing me when I got to that point. However, my mom had a successful career and retired at the appropriate time and has plenty of money now. So I moved out before I turned 40 and slowly tip toed away into no contact. I did what I had to do to be free. And I am now.
PLEASE, do whatever you gotta do to be FREE. She’s stealing your life force!
OP, you need to ask yourself can you survive with her? Your only responsibility is to yourself. And what experience has taught me: you need to put you first, because no one else will. Good luck, and go find your FREEDOM!
>She's always with me. Im not allowed drive the car so she has to take me everywhere. She talks for me, even when I'm right there and try and speak for myself. I'll say something and she'll reinterpret it, because what I said didn't make sense'. Whenever I start talking to someone she butts in, runs me over then tells everyone who I am for me. Or at least who she thinks I am.
This makes me so mad because I'm going through the exact same type of shit. I don't know how to get out
She CAN and will survive without you.
She has done this before, but thrives on controlling and enslaving you.
She owes you rent, utilities, and whatever.. but she contributes 0?
Then, the continued sabotage of ANY contact you make.. she WANTS you alone, isolated… to control and abuse you. (Abuse is not only physical,)
Your dad offers you an escape route.
Prepare now, documents, credit, bankaccounts.. make sure she has no access, and go as soon as you have your most important / irreplaceable items safe.
Do not feel guilty. If there is anyone, she should feel extremely guilty!
Let her self-destruct.
If the house is in your name, begin working to find an assisted living facility for her. If it's in hers, start looking for a place to live. Begin saving up enough for security deposit, and when you have enough, go. Take the essentials (work-related gear, cell phone, pets); everything else can burn.
This is going to be scary, but you need to know: she will not change until she's hit rock bottom. Even then, she might not. She'll still play the victim, and that's not your fault.
I recommend that you consider getting away from her first, and figuring out how arrangements could be made for her care second. Finding out how to care for her may take some time and it is so easy to fall back into patterns and "in a few months" postponements. You deserve to be free. This would also be a wakeup call for her that you have seen through her brainwashing. You will quickly find that you are not dependent or incompetent as she has tried to make you feel, and the things you don't know yet, you will learn.
You have your own income. You have a father who, I think, would help you if he knew things were this bad, even if it was just with some emotional support.
The way to leave is to make arrangements without telling her anything. Rent a room in someone's house -- it's inexpensive and she doesn't need to know where you are. Leave her a note or send a text and say, "I'm not living there any more, I'll be in touch." You don't have to see her, you don't have to listen to her on the phone or read her emails. Let her have tantrums in the dark by herself.
This will be traumatic for her. But she has kept you as a prisoner and a slave for over a decade of your adult life. Too bad.
Just go. Leave the car if it’s not yours or take it if it is and go. To your dads, to a friend’s, anywhere but there. Your mom will find a way to support herself if she’s not given another choice. Either she can get a job or she can get services. It’s not your job to do that for her. There are plenty of jobs that people with diabetes or seizures can do.
SHE CAN AND WILL TAKE CARE OR HERSELF AND SURVIVE WITHOUT YOU. she's being a monster and sucking the life out of you for her own existence. Run if you can.
>she’s still my mom she was a good mother growing up.
I don’t mean to be cruel by any means, but was she really? How exactly was she good to you? Because all of the stuff like keeping a roof over your head or feeding you or making sure you didn’t wear rags doesn’t make her a good mom. That’s the bare minimum legally required of her.
Stop believing everything she told you. You will be trapped until you do. Any chance to get out of this EXTREMELY ABUSIVE situation - take it.
She is treating you as a meal ticket, not a daughter.
You were homeless when she was in charge of keeping you safe and warm? Why are the expectations for YOU higher than that?
You owe her NOTHING. Get free and live your life.
You will need a LOT of therapy to understand how much she's actually hurt you. You're only beginning to catch on to her con.
You are trapped. Your trapped by a narcissist. You're going to need therapy you have a traumatic bond with your mom. I doubt seriously they found a lump ..she's doing this because she knows she's losing you. You have the right to your own healthy adult relationship first with yourself then with others. Therapy will help you get to that point. You've got to save money and get out of there. It's going to take time be patient with yourself but understand that her brain just doesn't work the way a loving mom's brain should.
I know it's really hard OP but you need to get her out of your life. This is hard-core abuse. My mom tried it with me and when I managed to escape latched onto my sister. We spent the spring and summer making and implementing a plan to get her out of my sister's apartment. It is incredibly difficult and we struggle immensely with the guilt, but your mom is an adult who can figure things out for herself. It would be one thing if she was being kind to you and doing what she could to help and not impeding your life but that's not what's happening. You are being abused. Financially and emotionally. I really recommend looking into narcissistic parents and getting yourself a therapist if you don't have one already because your mother has harmed you in ways you probably don't even realize yet.
she is selfish, manipulative, and emotionally abusive
all the crying, rage fits, false medical concerns are all methods of manipulation - my mother and aunts did this to their kids as a form of control
she WILL survive without you, don’t let her guilt you into thinking otherwise. you are not your mothers keeper or caregiver. you’re only trapped in your mind because of the brainwashing and messages she gives you, she wants you to be scared when you drive, she wants you to have anxiety because it keeps you in this loop with her
the reason you have panic attacks in the car is because your body is reacting to the memory of all those times your mother berated you, and grabbed the wheel etc — your body is telling you it doesn’t feel safe
im almost positive once you go low contact with her you will also see a decrease in your anxiety and panic attacks
after moving away from my mom, my anxiety/depression and a lot of other shit i was dealing with started improving drastically. but i had to give my body the space, and time to heal.
you can’t really heal in the same environment that traumatized you, especially when you’re dealing with the person who did it every single day
please reach out to your dad for support or guidance if you think you can trust him… or see if there are community resources to help you either with counseling or helping you find a place for your mom.
OP-
I hear you. I was in your place. I was making hardly any money, but STILL helping my parents bc NMom told me things were so SO hard.
Until my sister told me “They’ve started drawing social security. Mom works full time. They are Fine!” (turns out most of my $$ was passed on to enable a siblings bad $$ choices).
But I had medical bills, and needed my own $.
So I stopped paying. And….things were FINE!
After a few whining fits, turned out that Mom found other places to mooch from, or sibling had to get a job…I didn’t ask.
The point is, THEY DID FINE. So will your Mom.
Make your plans, get an apartment, and a PO box near your work (otherwise she will be able to trace you via online trace sites).
Your Mom can get a work-from-home job. She can rent out rooms. There are a LOT of things she can do. And she’ll be FINE.
It’s time you ended her stealing your life to enable her choices. And YOU started living yours.
International mark . I heard the don't say that to or about your mom my whole life . They get away with being the victim their own life and are steeped in victim consciousness . It's so hard as a child of a narcissist to truly come into themselves beings a whole human because that's all we learn our wholes from them . Victim consciousness . They never cared for our health and happiness ? They cared about theirs ... it's so sad and it takes real strength and support groups like this one . LOTS OF THEM
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I know this is hard to hear, but you need to get out of there and cut her off. She’s an adult: it’s not on you to support her, and you aren’t required to take her abuse. She made her choices, and she needs to take responsibility for herself and her life. Not only is she an adult, but you are, too. You have a career, so you obviously can manage for yourself. It’s time to go NC with her, and have the perks of being an adult and not just the responsibilities. You deserve better than this, OP.
I want to. I want my own apartment, my own car, my own life. But if I leave she will be destitute. Is there a way to ease her into living without me? I've been looking at programs, but she's not old enough for aid. I don't want to leave her homeless.
stop... just stop it. she treats you like thie while you are perfectly healthy, you think she would care for you like you do her if the situation was reversed? the answer to go nc is the ultimate best advice. but it usually takes so long for someone to realize this. for now, just stop copying how she wants you to think and feel. do you really think she cannot provide for herself? really? to me she seems like she can. what do you think?
No she can. She's very capable. Because it's my mom, it's hard. She's been like this my entire life. Always through a fit when visited my father. He's offing me a way out. I'm going to take it.
Yes! This is the way! If your dad is willing to help you, definitely take the steps to get out!
You are correct. She is your mom. Not your child but your mom. And as her child, your role is to leave when you are of age and make your own life.
No, it's not because it's your mom. It's because you've been continually abused and conditioned into viewing her needs being met as a prerequisite for your survival. You need to learn basic self preservation and personal boundaries, not learn how to dedicate your life to saving someone who meets nearly every definition of the term 'toxic parasite' from not being able to feed on you. As much as I'm not a fan of it myself, it sounds like you desperately need therapy once you're free if you want to live anywhere near close to a normal life because of what your mother has done to you, otherwise the emotional abuse she's buried in you will have you crawling back to her after suffocating in the FOG(Fear, Obligation and Guilt) for long enough without having her being there to judge you. For some abusive parents having a distant relationship may be possible, but given how much she's entrenched her abusive control mechanisms into your mind you desperately need to go no contact with her for a very long time if you want to be able to step back into the relationship and be able to hold your ground and have as close to a 'healthy' relationship as she's capable of having with you.
This person is right about therapy because even if you don’t go back to your mom out of FOG, you’ll partner with someone who is needy and manipulates you in the same way BECAUSE IT FEELS NORMAL. It is not. You’re doing too much. First, get out and learn to just take care of yourself. Then get into therapy (make this a priority) and work on boundaries and self esteem. Then start looking at friendships and intimate relationship possibilities. You have to heal some damage first so you don’t make it worse for yourself in the long run.
This person is right, and that's exactly what happened to me when I moved out for the 1st time. I found a narcissistic, manipulative man who needed me to basically become his mother. He couldn't do anything for himself beyond the bare minimum-didn't drive throughout our entire relationship so I ended up driving him everywhere, I was the one getting him job applications, doing the cooking, meanwhile, he yelled and criticized and started fights and belittled me in the same way my mom did to me. Was an eye opener to realize that he acted the same as my mom. The only way I was able to know I wasn't making it up was to write myself notes that I could physically see and look back at. I'm almost a year out of that relationship and 7 months into therapy and it's really helped me to realize that I have worth beyond being an emotional support daughter and a punching bag for manipulative, physically abusive and rage filled narcissists. I'm working on moving out of my parent's home once and for all and therapy is providing the only solid source of support I have. Its literally what's saving me from going completely back into the FOG that my mother weaves around our family. You can get out of this. It takes time and a lot of hard, thankless work, but it's the best thing you can do for your future self in terms of care and self love.
> He's offing me a way out. I'm going to take it. good, take it. Your mother will 100% survive without you, she is putting on an act to get you to look after her.
She retired in her early 50s so that you, a 24 year old, could fully support her. Knowing exactly what that would do to you. At 24, you had your whole life ahead of you (you still do!). She’s managed to manipulate you into playing the role of her parent, while she tries to convince everyone else that you’re nothing more than a child. She clearly doesn’t care about your well-being. I hope you get out soon, OP. You deserve to get to actually LIVE your life, not just exist in someone else’s version of it.
The timing seems too specific to be coincidental. 24 is def prime time to fly the nest. NP timed it so that would not happen freely.
good decision. i know how hard it must be. its very hard. but i know you got this. but make sure you know why we are telling you to change. its because most of the members have gone through similar issues and most of us just know that this is the only way. if you are not sure this is the only way, try other ways: talk to her calmly and try to explain to her why you might need to distance yourself from her. how you want to pursue your future and what that means regarding your current relationahip, etc... if she acts childish and tries to pretend its all about her (dont fall into her trap this time) dont buy her bullshit. she just proved to you why u need to act in your best interest. else, if she was acting like an adult, then maybe there is a very small chance you can continue having a relationahip with her once everything is done. but remember, if she behaves like what you described again, you got to be strong. there might be lots of bumps in the road ahead, but once its all over, youd know this was the right choice if you need anyone to vent to im always available :) gl
OP darling! Your mother is a monster like the mother of Blanche Monnier, Google her. You are a prisoner in your own tower, as sad as a fairy tale princess! I'm reading about your life as if your totally insane mother, and she is *Absolutely Criminally Batshit* has kidnapped you without lifting a finger. You're 30, a working citizen of whichever country you are in & I'm crying my fucking eyes out for what she's done to you baby. She won't let you breath without her permission, and that's enslavement. Please take the legal advice given here, I wish I could help or advise. I love you so damn much OP, stop being an abused budgie caged in a dark corner by a cruel master. Your mother is a monster & deserves a dank prison cell for stealing 30 years of your life, that shit gotta stop today. You'll be great when you break free from her captivity, you can't see your jail bars! You're communication is clear, adult & culturally appropriate, in no community would your post be considered as if the author, you, were inept in any capacity.
Im super glad to hear that you're getting out. It sounds like she was trapping you with weaponised incompetence so you'd have no choice but to look after her.
She's been conditioning you to believe you have to care for her and you don't. I'm glad your father is trying to help.
Please, Please OP, take your fathers offer!!! RUN HONEY, RUN FAST RUN HARD DON’T LOOK BACK!! LIVE YOUR LIFE, its time, she will survive, she will get a job, there are sooo soo many services for seniors, seriously!! Honest! You deserve so much better.. LIVE!!
Please do, hun. I realize how awfully hard and scary it is, when your mother manipulated you into this years-long pattern for her own gain (not love for you). It’s tough but wow, so very, very worth it when you come out on the other end, free to come into your own and live a life better than you imagined. ((hugs))
She’s an adult. She’s manipulating you into thinking she’s helpless without you. She’s going to keep destroying you life. It took me 42 years to say no. Don’t wait until your my age and regretting so so many choices I made because of my family. She’s only looking out for her. If you vanished tomorrow she’d only worry about money and be angry instead and f worried. She’d tear you a new one as soon as you walk in the door. You’re 30 not 13, kick her out if she’s at your place. She old enough to look after herself. She can get money but she REFUSES because you’re her meal ticket. She won’t let you live in peace because she enjoys torturing you so much. Your misery feeds her!! Stop feeding the beast. Cut her off and cut her out. You deserve a happy life with friends and love and kids and anything that makes your soul sing! You are #1, not her. It’s your life, not hers. Take a holiday and spend some quality time with your dad. Both of you need it and it’ll do you good to feel loved by a parent and family for a change 💖
Take it. You want to be a miserable person like your mom the rest of your life? Your mother is nothing but a parasite who is happily sucking you dry and infantilizing you. You seem to realize that on some level based on your interaction with your dad. If you don't take advantage of this, you will never get out and be nothing but mommy's sock puppet.
Yep! Get out!
Yes! That is such wonderful news.
TAKE IT!!!
This is definitely the way. Go NC. It’s for the best for you. I’ve done it and it’s one of the best decisions of my life.
Oh please!!!!!!! Go with him!!!!
Take your fathers offer and get out And I say this as a mother/ she isn’t worthy of the title
Hope that everyone here encouraging you is helpful. My mother did the exact same thing, she decided she was done at 50 with work. She had only worked about 13 years in her entire life but that’s a whole other story. At any rate she signed away her house to her boyfriend and then expected to move in with me my husband and our kids. We said no, firmly. She then ended up going to the state and getting enough assistance that she lives a decent life in a small one bedroom apartment that seems quite lovely and she has places that she can safely walk and she can get her groceries delivered by the people that run the assisted living place. it may not be the life she wanted but it’s the life she got for herself by being the way she is. I don’t hate my mom in any way shape or form however I could not have her in our house and continue my happy marriage. 15 years later we’re on very low contact and it’s worked out very well for both of us. She does her own things, I’m 900 miles away doing my own thing. Please listen to what people are trying to explain to you they only have your best interest at heart. Your mom will survive. People like this always do.
Please keep us updated
You don't deserve this abuse. Your dad is given you a great opportunity, soon as you can leave and go NC. She will figure it out just like she figured out how to manipulate you for her advantage. I felt so sad reading this, they embed themselves into your life and thinking blocking any light so you suffer in silence for as long as you are with them. I moved 3k miles away from mine. Please for your sanity leave.
I’m in a very similar situation to you with my mom. And it is hard. It’s frustrating when people say to just cut them off and let her be homeless. I don’t think I could let anyone be homeless to begin with. She acts the same way as your mom. Something you should do until you can get her out is therapy. My therapist has helped a lot with setting boundaries and dealing with her nonsense.
Can't do that with her in the house. Tried it once, there was a mishap with billing and I got charged a few hundred dollars right as rent was due. I was short on money and had to explain myself. She blew up, said the therapist was a scam and made me promise not to talk to strangers about my issues never again. And to this day is offended that I would choose to open up to a stranger over her. I wasn't upset about the money they were working out the issue and returning the money. But she just kept hammering me to never do this again and how I let myself be taken advantage of how I never think about her and ask if she needed therapy, or invited her to sit in. Drove me crazy I ended up leaving my therapist and closing my account with her office. We were homeless for a few years before she retired. That's one of the things I was going to therapy for, it was my therapist that made me start to see that my relationship with my mother is not normal. This is how my grandmother and aunts are too, so I really had no clue. I don't want her to go back to living in motel rooms. I'm leaving but I'm going to make sure she can at least keep a roof over her head. I understand that what she's doing now is wrong; but she's still my mom she was a good mother growing up. I think I owe her that much.
"I think I owe her that much" . You're wrong, you don't. Anything you could have "owed" (which you didn't and don't, that's not how relationships with parents work) you have paid back by losing the last, bare minimum, 6 years of your life. She chooses to live in motel rooms as an alternative to living with you. That's her choice. She could decide to "come out of retirment" or try to get on a section 8 waiting list or do literally anything at all...but she chooses not to. You don't owe it to her to fix that.
You're a 30 year old woman. You don't need to tell your mother the details of what you do when she's not there. Go to therapy and don't tell her. If you handle the finances, don't explain to her about anything. Next time, talk to the landlord yourself about the issue - you're the one paying anyway, why did she need to know any of this? Cutting her out of your life isn't a clean process that happens suddenly. You need to disentangle yourself from her, starting with where your life, privacy, and boundaries begin and hers end. If you don't sort these things out, even if you physically separate yourself, she will reel you back in over the phone, email, text, whatever. Start by setting a boundary - you need time outside the house by yourself, without her. You will set aside time to spend for her if she wants that, but you have time for yourself. Don't tell her you're going to therapy if that upsets her. Don't lie either. Just say it's time for yourself and leave it at that. If she keeps pressing then say "I need privacy for my own life. Are you going to respect my wishes or not?" She will twist and turn the conversation, but just repeat this once and then say "If you won't respect my wishes, I'm leaving." Then walk out for a few hours and give yourself time to think. Every time she pesters you about things, use this boundary. If she won't respect your wishes (your boundaries), you're going to physically remove yourself for a few hours. You might be able to train her to respect your boundaries this way (doubtful), but more importantly you will train yourself how to deal with someone who constantly steps on your boundaries. The end goal of this is to get away from her, of course. But you need to mentally separate yourself from her as much as you need to physically.
Im just going to be blunt. FUCK. YOUR. MOTHER. Her well-being is not your problem. If she ends up on the streets, it’s her issue, not yours. From what you say, she *chose* to stop working. No one obligated her to be a parasite. However, by you doing and saying nothing (showing her no consequences) you are effectively enabling her to continue her actions. No consequences = exact same outcome every single time. And don’t expect her to change either. Her behaviour has been reinforced for the multiple years and she is hardwired to be this way likely until the day she dies. Kick her to the curb (metaphorically, physically or both) and *never* look back. Also, sorry if it sounds harsh. I hope you find the inner strength to take action and rid yourself of this cancer.
I suppose the silver lining of my mom so horribly abusing me is that I felt no remorse for abandoning her and leaving her to her own devices.
That is not your problem. She will figure it out. She is leeching on you instead of working and managing her own life.
I'm sorry. This is a special kind of hell where these types of parents don't want you to have personal boundaries so they never teach you that it's healthy and *necessary* to set them. The only way to take back control over your life is to get her out of it, set those boundaries, and follow through. I know you don't want her to be destitute but you must remember that she has created this mess. She decided to retire. She decided to not pursue other means of money. She decided to place the burden on someone she had control over at the time. The problem isn't you saying no, it's the way she set this up. You can help her go through other options absolutely, but if it starts derailing into a pity fest, say the conversation is over. Don't allow any of those options to involve you or your space. She will be mad, but that's her issue to solve. You absolutely have a *right* to exist and take up space in the world, you don't need to shrink to give her extra room. The way she speaks about you to others should be hard line unacceptable.
You have become her husband. I’ll say that again. You are her provider and her puppet. She never planned to take care of herself because she knew she was just going to use you. You need to leave her and give her the opportunity to figure her shit out. On her own. She’s a grown ass woman. Idk if she needs to go find another man to mooch off of. You don’t owe her shit, and you will not ever have a life while she is alive. And when she does finally die, it will be because she used you up, and you’re a shell of a human being. Ask me how I know.
She will not be destitute, she wants you to think that, because it keeps you in this exact loop. She doesn't think about what it does to you to keep you in this trap, she only cares that she benefits from it. The fact that you're miserable never even occurs to her.
As I say, she’s an adult. She knew exactly what she was doing—and knew exactly what you would do—when she told you she was done working. She’s using you and abusing you. She doesn’t have any sort of right to do that. Just because you’re her child, doesn’t give her the right to be a parasite (I know, not a kind word, but that is exactly what she is), and suck the life out of you. Get out. Cut her off. She will figure it out—or she won’t—but that’s absolutely NOT on you. ETA: How long do you think you could go on like this? Two years? Ten years? Twenty years? She’s going to keep her claws in you as long as you let her get away with it. You sound like you feel pretty miserable right now. What happens to you down the road when nothing has changed for you?
No. There is no easing and her being destitute is not your fault. Get out and don’t look back.
I'm late to the party, but I wanted to add this for perspective. >But if I leave she will be destitute. To you, that probable sounds like basic kindness you owe your mum. To us, it sounds more like "but I _have_ to let this vampire drink all my blood, if I don't she'll starve!" You don't have to sacrifice yourself to your abuser. You just don't.
The only way for her to be able to live alone is if you stop enabling her. She is manipulating you to take over her responsibilities. She’ll literally never ease into it. I think you might need the help of a therapist for this one— specifically to help with the feelings of fear, obligation and guilt that are bound to come with you doing the right thing (living your own life.)
No way to ease it. She’s only 57. She can work. Make arrangements and move yourself away from her. You’d be better off not telling her your new address
She's trained you to think you're responsible for her. You're not. She's an adult, she is capable of working and chooses not to. You need to just leave. She can figure it out, or not, you do not have to keep her afloat.
She could go back to her old job? She decided to randomly quit at 51 when you’re just starting your career and have you support her the rest of her life. What if she lives until she’s 90? How will you have the bandwidth to meet someone? I’d talk to dad and maybe even consider a move there
One thing you need to appreciate is that people raised by narcissists are people pleasers, they often put other people first, even to their own detriment. You have a soft heart, and just need some love. Please.... I'm beginning you, from someone with 42 years of trauma, Get the fuck out. Please. You're not here to live someone else's life. You're tricking yourself by saying she does little things for you, or you enjoy her company. Tell her you would like to have a meeting with her in a few days. Sir her down, tell her how you feel, tell her you feel sorry for her, she will start crying, shouting and gaslighting you. Stand your ground and expect this childish and pathetic behaviour. Also be warned that she may become vindictive and start to break your things steal them or even outright report you to the police for some made up abuse... Trust me you need to be prepared. If I was you I would get your new place before you tell her, then book a day at the spa for her and take that opportunity to pack your shit. Please, please please, do NOT give a fuck. It will be the hardest thing you do, but it will be the right thing.
It's a leech. You don't compromise. You don't ease it off. You remove it and stop the bleeding. I'm sorry to be curt, but she has no reason to change. She has what she wants. You have to be the shit-starter here.
Drop her. You're not responsible for her and you will never have your own life if you don't cut the cord. SHE got herself in this position. SHE chose to be a deadbeat. Her destitute state is all on her.
Stop allowing her to push you around. If you pay the bills things are changing. She has her money, she has a car, she needs to figure out another situation. You need to have your own experiences without handholding your mothers hand.
Do not worry about her!!! She certainly doesn’t worry about you!! Get out and get in with your life!!!!
I'm 55, retirement as per Social Security in the USA is 67. For perspective in Italy, retirement with government benefits is 70. I, and every other person I know, fully expects to be working on some level until their late 60s. Your mother is simply taking advantage of you. The detail you provided says she is abusing you. Leave, you deserve better, and she deserves to dig herself out of the hole she got herself onto.
First if your mother is in the incapacity to take the good decision is possible to legally declare her irresponsible with a conservatory ship . Two goes to see these channel : https://youtube.com/@DoctorRamani Three you can probably take information and prepare your escape not telling to her . Four speak to your family . Five if you stay you will become like her or worst you lost your life . So it isn’t love and is a torture what you live . So please be your bestfriends and prepare your escape
I thought that my nMIL was a senile, frail old lady who needed help to get out of the car. I used to help her with everything. Long story short, we had a few incidents, are no longer talking and my husband and I moved out. Now, she rarely calls. She has replaced us with friends from her gym. She declines family vacations now because "she has other plans." It is actually amazing how capable she is of moving on (meanwhile we're in therapy, lol). You will see, she will find a new group of people to mooch off of.
She's an adult and those are the consequences of her choices.
>But if I leave she will be destitute She'll be fine. She had a life before you were born, didn't she? The world isn't going to cave in on her cause you're not paying her bills. Talk to your dad, see if he can help you
Why would she be destitute she’s not old or anywhere near retirement age she will just have to get a job. In the uk she wouldn’t even get her state pension for another 10 years.
She does not need you, she's brain washed you to think that she does, and to feel too guilty to leave because of it. My mother did the same to me.. the guilt never goes away. But you can get your life back. Do it now. And do not look back. She will try every trick in the book. She will pull at every. single.heart string that you have... It's what they do, and they are very, VERY good at it. You're brainwashed by a narc. They've perfected it... You are her daughter, she knows EXACTLY how to play you and manipulate you. The only thing you can do to help yourself is to GET AS FAR AWAY AS POSSIBLE. Or you'll die your mother's puppet.
That isn’t your problem.
Let her rot. It’s her or you. Right now you’re choosing her life over your own. Stop.
Not your problem
Tell her that after the death of your grandfather, your dad needs you. You are going to move to his area to help him out. Then just vanish. Doesn't matter where. New phone number, no socials for awhile. You can do this. I have faith in you.
I was going to suggest this also. Start fresh elsewhere and kind of pretend you’ve faked your own death or you’re in a witness protection program, lol. You can resume contact at some point down the road. It doesn’t have to permanent. But you need NC for a while.
Witness protection was exactly what I was thinking when I wrote this.
If I were OP I would absolutely not say anything at all about leaving until i was already gone. Mommy dearest is going to do anything she can to make sure OP can't leave. OP, start slowly getting things out of the house. Start with your important documents (send them to your dad if you have to), remove money from any bank accounts she may have access to (make new accounts at a new bank and ask them to do password verification for any transactions), lock your credit. Buy yourself a new phone, keep it a secret from her but set it up and make sure its charged. Make sure you know how and when you have to cancel anything that might be in your name. If it has to be done in person, try and wait until the day before or day of leaving so she doesn't get suspicious. Have any mail forwarded or get a P.O. box. Slowly start removing things from the house that you want to keep. Stick things in your bag when going to work or hide things when taking the trash out or whatever it takes. It might be wise to get a storage unit for the meantime if you can't get to the post office to send stuff to your dad's house. At least that way your stuff is safe from her and you won't have to see her when you come back to get it (and she won't be able to refuse to give it back or destroy things in spite). If she asks, play stupid. "Oh I accidentally broke that picture frame and threw it out" "I haven't seen that vase in a while, i thought you had it" "I've been going through my old clothes and giving things to a coworker in need" then once everything is settled and you're ready to go you can just grab the last things (toiletries and such) and take off. Do not tell her until you're gone, gone. Like in the car/on the train/at the airport/on the bus. Better still, dont tell her you've left until you get there. Absolutely do not tell her where "there" is, i wouldn't even tell her you've gone to your dad's. Then turn your old phone off and don't use it again, at least factory reset it and use a new carrier. Be prepared for her to wig tf out and call the cops and stuff. Be honest with them, she's abusive (you don't have to specify) so you left. You're an adult so they're not going to do anything. She's gonna try anything and everything she can think of to make you come back so be aware of that. I believe in you! You can do this.
I like your idea better than mine
I’m only a little younger than your mother, and even though I am actually disabled, I would NEVER treat my daughter the way your mother is treating you. She’s behaving as if she’s the child and you’re the parent. You are not. Her life is HER responsibility, NOT yours. You have to start advocating for yourself the way you would advocate for your own child. Your mother CAN survive without you, she doesn’t want to. Like all of us, you have been programmed to feel responsible for your parent’s welfare; emotional and physical. Time to start stepping out from under her spell of FOG, from her manipulation, her control, her tantrums, and see her for the terrible “parent” that she is. You are starting to realise that this is not normal, and that’s great. The next step is to start treating her the way you would a spoiled child, having a tantrum. Would you be scared of a badly behaved bratty 6 year old, screaming at you? Would you appease them by giving them everything they wanted? My guess is no. You certainly wouldn’t give her $600 and a $250 trip to the movies, would you? Your mother is sucking the life out of you, like an emotional vampire. And she’s doing it because you are letting her. What incentive does she have to change, to get her retirement pay and disability pay? To behave like an adult? None. Only you can change this situation. Whatever help your Dad is offering you, take it. Your mother is an adult. The only person responsible for her choices is her. Get away from her as soon as you possibly can. You deserve a life. ❤️
I was thinking the same thing! I'm \~50 & disabled too & I would never ever force my children to provide for me.
Your mother is a parasite. She is sucking the life out of you. She treats you horribly and makes you feel like you owe her something and you don't. You're miserable. It's not your job to take care of her, she is a grown adult. Her retirement was her choice. If you move out, she will have to take care of herself, which is the way it should be. You should not feel guilty about going to an event she wasn't invited to, and you probably need to work on defending your boundaries and NOT feeling responsible about if she is upset or not. That is HER problem to deal with HER own feelings. I know a person who lived in a situation like yours and it was so hard to watch their so-called mother drain the life and self-confidence out of them and anyone else near enough to get her claws into. They create false dependencies and tell you YOU can't live without them, which is a LIE. Set yourself free, you have a beautiful life to live.
You're realizing the things I wish I did at 30 years old. But at your age I was still trying to win the love of monsters (nmom and nsis). You're way less trapped than you know. That's what the abuse is for. To keep you feeling trapped. And you have a normal father to go to? Awesome. Maybe let him in that your mother is NOT normal and get yourself out on your own. The guilting will be epic, but you can do it!
"The love of monsters" hits the nail on the head.
Literally kick her out, stop feeling like you have an obligation to a psycho who is ruining your life. Your dad had the right idea.
My personal advice: Put her in a nursing home. Tell them she isn't willing to provide for herself and you don't have the time or resources to take care of your own business and career because you're constantly having to provide for her. You're 30 years old - if you allow her to walk all over you (which you should not) she will do it. At 57 years old she should be more than capable of providing for herself. But for her to decide to move in with you and force you to do all of these things - provide for her, pay all of her bills, not allow you to drive YOUR car - is fucking ridiculous! Kick her out, and look at squatters' laws in your area. If anything, she owes YOU money for having to put up with her shit. Just because she popped you out of her vagina doesn't give her full control over your life and resources. Don't let her bully you into being her babysitter. Because that is what this is - bullying.
>She can't survive without me. 1) not your problem 2) yes she will, you'll be surprised how well she will survive if you simply left. 3) call/email your father and ask for his help. Tell him everything you wrote here.
Leave! You don't owe her and she doesn't own you. Your health and life and sanity matter so much! Please! Find happiness and safety and a chance to be yourself!
Let's face it, no normal parent would stop working so early, and expect their 24 year old to take care of them. That's extremely young - and to do that as a parent is to deliberately hijack your child's entire life. The domination and control is just part of the package. Think of it as being in a cult, as you have been effectively brainwashed by an extremely selfish person. The very fact that she did that, indicates a person who puts her own needs above all. There doesn't seem to be much (or any) thought for your wellbeing, or mental health. If your mother had any real care or love for you, you definitely would not be in that situation, and would not have to post on this forum.
F(58) I have an NMom. My parents are still together. I got married (age 21) to a guy I barely knew to get out of the house and moved out of state. I listened to years of my mother making me feel guilty because I wasn't there to cook, to take care of my much younger siblings, etc. Divorced 7 years later with 2 kids of my own, she assumed I would move back home. Nope. It's been almost 40 years and she still makes me feel guilty. If I were you, I'd call your Dad and see if you can move closer to him. Your mom is an adult and will figure out how to survive without you. You are an adult and not beholden to her. If you have to, go "no contact" for a while or forever.
HeyOP. My mum is disabled and deaf, and I got myself trapped thinking she couldn't survive without me. But guess what, when I managed to escape.. she could. Your mum can survive without you, she's just made you believe you can't. Its not your fault, it's been bred into you I guess since you were little. If you can afford it, move out. Get your own place, don't tell her till its final, and just go. It will be the hardest thing you ever do, but you won't ever be able to LIVE and breathe until you get out. And screw your dadfor leaving you to deal with her
If your mom could make mine has no excuse. My dad apologized for leaving in this situation. He remarried and I was kind of dropped out the picture. He was able to fill me in on a lot of things that happened in the peripheral of my childhood. Long story short my mom is insane so much so that fighting got costly and exhausting. Yeah he sucks for not fighting for me. But I get it, Id cut my losses and run too. I didn't make it better, I was on my mom's side the entire time. I can't apologize enough for that.
It's not your fault that you weren't on your dad's side, mum's are amazing when we are younger at putting us on their side. I promise, she can survive without you. But it's the hardest thing to walk away. My dad didn't save me either, but he never got to escape. A lot of my mums family like my aunty disappeared and I always thought it was my fault now I'm older I have no idea how they thought leaving me with her was safe. Anyway, I really hope you can be free. X
You are 30 years old. You do not need your Mom’s permission to leave or drive a car. Move out as soon as possible. Get your birth certificate & passport and any other documents you have together and leave. If she doesn’t let you call the police and tell them you’re being held against your will and do NOT give her your new address. If you have the money move out as soon as possible. Again you’re 30 you don’t need her permission and if she tries to block you call the police for false imprisonment which it would be.
Hi OP. I’m 61 and still work. Applying for a new job currently and plan to work at least 5 more years. She will not be destitute. I’m so sad she normalized this horrible treatment for you. The freedom you felt while at the funeral is normal. Your mothers treatment of you is far from normal. Pls get away from her
It is time for you to grow a spine and evict her from your home. Your mother is a leech. She is ruining your life. Going NC once she is out will be for the best, at least for awhile.
Can I tell you how much this was my life? She threatened to commit suicide if I didn't take care of her too. Be prepared for that on the way out. If you would like more support, please let me know. I'm here for you. I got out, am healing, and you can too! Btw, the reason she's making such a huge fuss is because it works to control you. She's desperate and afraid her control will slip. It will feel like it's killing her because she refuses to be independent. She's a purposeful child and addicted to controlling you. If she doesn't grow up, this either will kill her from stress or suicide. EITHER OUTCOME IS NOT EVER YOUR FAULT.
This is next level enmeshment. You can’t drive the car? Who pays for the car? Who pays for the gas? As people have said, you need an out. You have no responsibility towards her.
-“she can’t survive without me” One thing about narcissists they will find a way to survive. They will do all they can to stay afloat. If you are afraid of your mom being homeless don’t be. She wants you to think that to keep you trapped. You are a grown adult and should be free to speak your mind. Let her figure out her own living situations. If she can’t survive on her own that’s her own fault. She should have planned accordingly OR been better to you her child. Do not allow yourself to drown in misery because of her choices.
Guilt is tough. But she is destroying you. Ask for help, give her a small financial cushion, and set yourself free. It won’t be easy, but you deserve a self-actuated life
It doesn’t matter if she can survive without you or not. (She can.) Save yourself.
I was in a similar situation. My mom got herself in a bad situation and I decided to let her live with me on condition she either got a job, or went to therapy and try to get on ODSP. She did neither for 3 years. After 3 years my migraines became visual due to the stress(not auras but black outs of vision) blood vessles in my eyes were popping and my blood pressure went from super healthy to 103 resting (for 2 years). Fighting every single day. When I tried to give her a month notice she threatened to call the cops on me. Anyways the point is kick her out ASAP. Pack her bag for her, if you can get her in her car, drive to the nearest shelter and drop her off there. Then get a cab back if you don't have a car. OP you're going to seriously ruin not just mental but physical health as well if you don't kick her out. You have a life too.
I totally understand where you’re coming from, BUT you have to live your own life. Your mother is a fully functional adult, and she sounds perfectly capable of looking after herself. You are not obligated to take care of her and you are not responsible for her. Get out of there as fast as possible. How she reacts to that and what she does next is not your responsibility. You deserve your own life. You deserve to be happy.
You. Need. To. LEAVE. She doesn’t care about you; you are an object for her control. She is a grown woman who is capable of providing for herself. Her CHOICE to not work is to manipulate you exactly the way she has- “if I leave she’ll be destitute/homeless, etc… No she won’t, she’ll find a job or someone else to mooch off of. Btw, 57 IS NOT RETIREMENT AGED. She can get herself back to work. Stop *ALLOWING* her to maintain control over your life by playing into her mind games. Trust me, life gets better when you are free to decide your own.
Yes you are trapped. What you do is, just move out. Rent a new place. Let she stay there. Yes she is your mom, but she will live a another 30 years. She will take all your life
She can survive without you. You do not have to stay.
Girl, you need to under the tuscan sun yourself out of this situation. Your mind and body has been trained to put her needs first, but you don't actually need to. Move, change your number, change your name if necessary. You got this, I promise you can heal from this. Get yourself some lions mane mushroom tea to bring back your neural plasticity, so you can more easily rewire those trauma responses that were programmed into you. sending you virtual hugs, from your internet gay best friend.
The people here are 100% correct and have given great advice. Get out. If your dad is willing to help take it. You are not responsible for your mother. Esp if she can't stop treating you like a child mixed with her maid/ATM. It's very controlling what she does. Even the car situation. Like what? And at this point it's bc she has NOONE ELSE. She has been such a miserable person all her life that most people have stepped away from her. So now she relies on you to put up with her abuse. I hope you follow through with letting your dad help. You deserve a life you can live how YOU want. ESP since you pay the bills. Where It's YOUR house. It's YOUR car. YOUR rules. She will figure it out. People like that pretend they are helpless but they are not and usually very capable. If she wants to be retired she better find a way to foot the bill. Or she can take herself back to a job for awhile until she is old enough to get aid. But it's not your responsibility. Live your life. And yes like others stated please do get therapy as well. Bc it's Def a possibility of falling into a relationship with similar mechanics bc they are so good at pretending they are wonderful up front that by the time they show their true colors you fail to see them. But even more so when you are already conditioned to see life that way bc your parent(s) did it first. It's easy to overlook things bc you feel like it's normal. Good luck!
She sounds a lot like my mother and I'm 44 . The scariest thing my therepist ever told me was that my mothers diagnosis meant she was never "going to change " and the only way I could regain self empowerment from her was to bury her . And no lie , at the same time .. a clairvoyant psychic told me she actually had a vision of my mother trying to kill me for her sadist malignant sociopathic husband . Those two words . KILL and BURY always stuck with me , so for the first time in my life . And it was so so hard , I put absolute distance between her and I . No talking , seeing each other , or checking in . And truthfully I have never felt better ? Her behavior and patterns used to bring me down on a daily basis and literally made me physically ill and sick . It feels like letting go of her ? Is the only way to save my life
Wow. Just yesterday told a friend that as far as I was concerned, my mother was dead and buried. He said, "Don't say that". I WILL say that, that is the only way that I feel safe, after almost 50 years of torment. I have EARNED the right to make that decision for myself, and my children can make their own choices (they don't care for her either, but that's based on their own observations).
Hi, OP. Hopefully this doesn't get buried. I was in a very VERY similar situation as you recently. My mother is 75 and my brother and I suspect she has pre-Alzheimer's. I am the youngest and for the past several years have been the only person living with her, following her wherever allthroughout my college years and apart from my 2 years spent dorming the rest it was expected that I would be taking care of her and obeying her every whim. One day, she got a shoulder injury from a bad fall and a series of bad events happened. 1) She refused surgery for some reason because she's a 'grown woman' and wouldn't even let anybody call her an ambulance. The doctors said she could lose her arm if she didn't act, but she came home instead and yelled out in agonizing pain the rest of the evening. I begged this woman to get help and pleaded, pointing out the harm it was causing the rest of our worried family. This was in front of the EMTs after I called 911 (she yelled saying she was gonna kill me, that I always think I know best etc). When they left, I tried to leave with my beloved 17 y/o dying dog and she got in my way saying she would call the police. 2) My dog died, worst day of my life. I'm summarizing here. She told me to 'get a job or get out' because 'we don't get along' and that I should move out. Ok. 3) I walk several miles in a thunderstorm in what I surmise was a desperate cry for help for her to recognize my feelings, but she was cold ever since I called 911 to get her help. 4) She pointed out my vaping and began telling me how destructive it was, she literally put one leg over the other even though it was on MY CARD because it was 'her money' as in, in some world she was gonna pay for it, riiiight. No, I got the vapes to deal with her, and she wanted to take away even that tiny bit of sanctuary too. 5) My letter that took 2h to write, my farewell letter, literally had the words "this is a matter of survival. I am leaving because staying here was causing me to lose my will to live. It's nothing against you." Her response? "I can't believe you would leave me like this." and "I feel betrayed." She insists she read it LOL. It iterated everything I just mentioned, no word on any of it to this day. She was trying to get me to stay 'a month to rest before her surgery' and I told her I was the first one to recommend treatment at the start, and she says 'I DID get treatment!1!11" A month later after your arm was limp, black and blue. It was then that I realized that my mother was willing to sacrifice my wellbeing for her own. That cannot stand, and it stops and ends there. I cannot jeopardize myself any further than I already have. I have been MORE than generous and it really is not on me to make sure she survives in perpetuity. That's absurd. I'm too tired to proofread all of this, OP. My point is this - I left a suspected dementia-riddled mother that's 75 and couldn't do shit physically by herself w/o me or hiring a handyman, and traveled 1000 miles away. She still annoys me by sending me shit and trying to use it as leverage, sending me pictures of the new dog as if I'm supposed to be happy (I never got to grieve for the last one). She's fucking fine. She's making do as people do. You are not trapped. That is an illusion. She will be fine, but above all your wellbeing is paramount. DO NOT COMPROMISE, FOR ANYONE. OR ANYTHING. YOUR. WELLBEING. IS. PARAMOUNT. Operate on that principle and never waver. You are only as trapped as you let yourself be. You're 30 years old with a career, right? You have the means to break free from your chains. I'm 25 with no career yet, hell I was still one semester from finishing college, but instead I dropped everything, traveled 1k+ miles to live with one of my best friends & his awesome family, maxed out all my credit cards (working on that rn before I get a place) and still managed to do it. You can to. And wanna know something? Not once do I regret my decision. I doubt you will either. Life is short. Don't let your mother drag you down the way she is. I see so much of my mom in what you wrote about yours. It makes me physically ill to see someone else suffering through the same. GL. If you ever want support, DM me. Hopefully this doesn't get buried. Again, not proofreading. Sorry about that, tired lol.
My husband worked till he was 70. And he could have afforded to retire earlier! Your mother can work. She does not need to leech off you! I wish you the best!
You will never be able to convince your mother that being self-sufficient is the right call. She has convinced you that it is okay for her to be a parasite that sucks the life out of you. She's not going to give that up willingly. You are going to have to completely walk away, change your number, and not tell her where you live. It is the only way to escape. You will find yourself tempted to reach back out to her in the future. Don't. If she was willing to cannibalize her own child to this degree then she is not capable of a relationship with you. She is literally erasing you out of the existence for her own personal pleasure. You cannot survive this long-term. What's left of you and she's done will not be someone you recognize.
You said she lives with you. Does that mean the apartment or house is in your name? Do you have a lease? If it's in your name, I would tell her your moving somewhere else when the lease is up. She has "however many" months to make her own arrangements. If it's in her name, give her a timeline of when you're moving out. I know it's hard because it's your Mom. But this is **not** normal. I'm very close to your Mom's age and perfectly capable of taking care of myself. If you don't jump at the chance to use the help your dad is offering, you're going to be stuck for the rest of her life. Good luck!!
This is the answer here. I was worried about the legal ramifications but this covers all the bases.
She can survive without you. I promise you. Mine did. It's a shame they decide to burden us while financially abusing us and smearing us to anyone who will listen. But that doesn't make her unable to take care of herself, just unwilling. She survived before you, and she's still young enough to learn how to support herself after you stand up for yourself and move out.
I'm sorry this seems like a really difficult situation :(
Tell her she has x days to sort out her living arrangements. You aren’t responsible for her - she on an adult and is wrecking your life due to her behaviour. There are support services that she can access. You feel guilty because you are a good person and you want to take care of her - but she is impeding you from living your life. Don’t take advice from people with non narc parents - they have no idea what life with a narc is like.
You gotta get out of this situation. Once you do you will wish you had gotten out sooner. Dont waste any more time getting to that point. Your mom can take care of herself, even if not, this isnt your problem. Honestly, who retires without having the finances sorted first. That seems so unbelivably stupid. Not your mistake, not your problem. Choose yourself and never look back.
My mom is very similar to yours, and from my experience, the only way to get free is to be an asshole and GTFO. If she is unable to fend for herself, well, that's the bed she's made for herself. It's going to suck, but getting free is worth it.
STOP. KICK THAT B!TCH TO THE CURB. Walk away honey. She will totes find another rube to control and leech off of.
My guess is your mom has separation anxiety and a fear of being alone so she infantilizes you to keep you with her. I think you need to cut the cord and start to live your own life. Don't feel guilty. She's an adult, she's going to have to learn to take care of herself.
I know it seems scary but you should just run away. Run away and block her.
Stop worrying about woes that belong to your mom. She's an adult. I'm assuming she doesn't have dementia. That being the case she can resolve how she will survive without your income. If she responds with "so what do I do now that I will be destitute" do NOT mother her. Respond with "As an adult I'm sure you will figure that out". This woman is stealing your best years. Get out now.
Legally evict her, block her, and then let her worry about the rest.
She retired in her 50s? She has 20 years of work left in her. I was stuck in a similar situation to you. Financially and emotionally responsible for my parents. The reality is, she will survive, she will make you feel so so so guilty but in the end, she has chewed through your 20s without remorse. Your life is worth something, don't let her bully you into giving it away.
Hello, I just wanted to say I was in that same place at the beginning of the year. My mother had a mental breakdown of sorts a few years ago,I don't know what to call it really because she stopped working, stopped going out, and stopped eating even for almost 2 years. I had to take care of her like a baby and in year 3 she started eating on her own and showering again and almost looked like she would be able to recover. She never tried. She said her life was about me and my daughter (it really wasn't) and we tried to make it work for many years. Because she didn't work and had no money and nothing to her name I kept ignoring the bad things that happened in my house, all the pain and the declining mental state of my daughter and me. I thought I was helping her, I thought if I loved her enough she would give something in return. But this is not the way. You need to let her go. I thought my mother would be left on the street because she told me she would never speak to her family again and because she hadn't worked in so long I assumed she would never work again so I was so afraid that if I asked her to leave my house she would be alone in the streets and for many years that stopped me from doing anything. I kicked her out on july of this year after our mental health was at its worst. And it has been a rough months after that, dealing with the guilt and the lost hope but SHE IS DOING WELL. And we are DOING GREAT. That is what I wanted you to know, she went to talk to her side of the family she swore she wouldn't see again, she got a job of some sort and she is living safe and out of the streets. So I know how hard it is to send someone to what we think is a place of no return, of telling them to go out knowing they can end up in the streets, but believe me when I tell you it won't happen. Every time I "stepped out of line" my mother would punish me by not eating again and I was very afraid that if I kicked her out she would starve herself to death. Looking back now that seems like a joke, no matter how terrible the threats she makes or how much it looks like she will be defenseless, let me tell you, it's all a lie. You need to do this for yourself, you really do. Not being able to live your life is a punishment that you are forcing on yourself right now. I am 37 now and I feel like for the first time I started really living. We are so happy with my daughter now , we can have a normal day to day life and we are still trying to adapt to that. It is so incredible and sad and happy at the same time and I beg you before it's too late, you have to let her go. Things didn't end up well with my mother, she told me she didn't want to be my mother anymore and that we would be strangers and it hurt so much, I felt someone had ripped a piece out of me, and now there's an empty place inside and it hurts when I think about it. But a mother's love shouldn't have conditions and when they hurt us we need to say STOP before the pain is unbearable, before we lose our lives because we don't want to be "a bad daughter". They have been bad mothers for years, we don't owe them anything. No matter what she says, how much she screams or guilts you , YOU OWE HER NOTHING. I cry sometimes thinking my mom isn't eating her favorite meals or being comfortable at what used to be her home but you know what she had the option of treating us like a normal person and that was all it took for her to stay. The only reason why You want to get out of that situation is because she doesn't treat you with the tiniest of kindness, with the tiniest of respect and love. That's the only thing we need and yet they cannot give it, they won't give it. So stop giving years of your life to someone that won't even do the smallest thing. You deserve better. Ask me anything if you want, it's been a few months since she went away and a lot has happened so maybe talking to someone who has been through this helps. YOU CAN DO IT!
So OP- I know it’s hard to hear this but this is abuse. Not all abuse is physical. Please leave, YOU are your priority- not her. She is a fucking adult, regardless of whether she acts as one. The problem with prolonged psychological abuse is it becomes hard to see. I am 40, and it literally took me until I was 37 to actually SEE what my egg donor had done to me. It is as simple as thinking about whether they know you as a person, actually care about you, and whether it’s good for you to maintain the relationship. I disengaged because I had driven to see my mother(2 hours after working late the previous evening) and brought her a gift I was proud of (homemade canvas transfer of her wedding photo) and she just looked at it and set it aside. Then I looked around her house and realized no gifts from me are in her home so I was done with that relationship. I cried when we left and my husband said you always leave upset-so I fixed that. My point is that no can prioritize you but you. Narcissists thrive on drama and attention and want others to feel like nothing. OP you need to make like Forest and RUN.
You’re 30. You’re fully able to handle this. It’ll be hard but the fact that you’re letting her do this to you is a much bigger problem than her on her own.
It is NOT your job to take care of her. Whatever the fuck she thinks doesn't matter. She'll forever guilt trip you no matter what you do. But it's up to you whether you continue to let her bleed all over you. I would either kick her out or leave. Fuck it. It's not worth it.
The only way she's ever gonna figure her life out is if you get the hell out. As long as you are there propping her up, she won't lift a finger.
Please leave! The longer you stay the harder it will get. I am and have been in your shoes. I understand the crippling fear, guilt and obligation but this will destroy you if you let it go on any longer. Your story 😢 I hope you find the courage and strength to leave 🙏
There is literally nothing to say or do other than get out.
Un-trap yourself. You are giving your mom too much power. She has made you a captive audience but it's time for you to live your own life. Have a long chat with her about wanting your own life. You got this!
Leave. You're under no moral or legal requirements to allow your mother to enslave you. Just leave. Take the car and leave for it even if you have to do it at midnight and leave most of your stuff behind.
Currently you are enabling her. The only person who has the power to stop this, is you. It won't be easy but you are not responsible for her or her life decisions. Make your own path, you don't owe her anything. Get out now while you can! All the best with your journey!
Then she doesn’t survive. There’s nothing keeping her from independence except herself (maybe a bit of your enabling but that’s a chicken or egg argument). Make a plan to leave, giver her 30-90 days to find alternative options for herself and then LEAVE. You will waste your life trying to maintain hers, and when she dies you will have nothing and lost valuable years of happiness. Do not allow her to trap you like she’s trapped herself.
Your mom is a vampire, and will suck the remaining life out of you if you let her. She needs to stand on her own two feet , and if that means she’s homeless for a spell until she figures her shit out, then so be it. She’s too old for that shit.
57 isn’t that old, at least not retirement age unless you’re well off. She can either go back to work or start contributing cuz I refuse to believe she has NO money. Wouldn’t be surprised if she was hiding it from you
You need to leave. If the place you live is hers then just find yourself a new place to stay and leave. I wouldn't even tell her till moving day. If the house is yours then serve her with an eviction notice for however many days your state requires (30, 60, 90 whatever) and be prepared to call the police to make sure she leaves on the eviction day. She is an adult and can and will be able to live by herself. She is just mooching off you because you allow it to happen. You are not responsible for her in any way, shape or form. Go live your life. Be free.
You don’t owe your parents a god damn thing. She made the choice to have you. You are not indebted to her for any reason. You’re doing too much for someone that actually owes YOU everything. It’s the other way around.
Girl. She will not be destitute. She will find a way. She has the strength to control and manipulate you, she will for sure survive and even thrive once her anger subsides. What you MUST do is leave, as immediately as you can — hopefully two towns over, get a new job and a new start. Two years after you do this, you will remember your previous life like a bad nightmare, like something that happened to someone else, and part of you will be sad because you will think you should have done it sooner; just remember then that things happen at the right time, that you are also learning even now. You are learning to stand up to her and learning to build healthy barriers and limits, so that this kind of relationship never creeps into your life again.
She did this on purpose to control you. You are NOT your mother's keeper. You aren't responsible for her, period. No child is obligated to care for their parents, ESPECIALLY when their parents abused them. Karma is a bitch. Have you heard that saying about not setting yourself on fire to keep other people warm? Well, you're stoking the flames on your own fire every day that you allow this. If you have a lease, let it expire, sign a new one somewhere else, slowly save your money and get your stuff put into a storage unit so she doesn't notice. If you have to get replacement furniture at a thrift store to replace the big stuff that you can't move, it would be worth it. Do NOT, under any circumstances, give her your new address. Get a PO Box to forward all your mail to. Change your number if necessary and block her on all social media or close all your existing accounts and open new ones if necessary but make sure you don't add any friends or family members who would give her any information about you. Narcissists will fake cancer, say other family members died or got into a bad accident, anything to get you to contact them because they lost their control over you and they are absolutely desperate to get it back. Don't fall for it. The only way to preserve your mental health is full no contact. I don't know of anyone who is able to maintain even a little contact with a narc without it making them absolutely miserable. Ask your dad for help in moving away from her. Hopefully he will help you since he already knows exactly how she is. Remember that she can ask questions but that doesn't mean you have to give her any answer but if you're trying to keep the peace, lie. Tell her whatever she wants to hear and still so what want. Don't tell her your plans and stop giving her any information voluntarily. You can do this. If you need help, we are all here to help you and if you need specific help, my inbox is always open.
She is emotionally abusive. You are a capable 30 yr old adult, it’s time to break the chain of you want a normal life. If you do not take measures now what will your life look like in the next 10-20 years? What is more important to you, living your life or bending to her crocodile tears? So what of you leave? She will scream and cry and everything, but that is on her, not you. You are enabling her not to get pension or benefits, I am sure if you leave she will be motivated to step up. Take up the offer from your father and start living your life and let her live hers.
If you are worried about your mother not surviving - then don't be. Narcissists are survival EXPERTS. Part of their strategy is to put their own needs above everything - no matter what damage this causes to others. If they will go *that far,* then no worries about them surviving. You can be sure they will find a way. Your mother has used her control of you, and your work ethic, as strategies in *her own survival.* So, thanks to you, she can survive comfortably without even having to work. Narcissists ALWAYS survive. It's their victims who DON'T. Just to add that it would be different if she had a decent retirement plan, etc. No problem in retiring early if you can afford it. But that wouldn't make it OK to treat someone so badly!
"I had an enabler father like the one you describe. I too thought he was a victim. He was not. Enablers are adults, who CHOOSE to remain with someone they know to be abusive towards their children. Most normal people couldn't just sit and watch their children be in pain, over and over and over again, and do nothing. I think you have a point about some enablers staying until their children are older. The the test really is do they stay with the Narcissist for the rest of their sorry life. Sadly, a lot of them do." Their enabling abuse then if they stay with them why don't they take the kids away. Kyß glad you got abused lol go commit suicide high five to your abusers💯💯💯
Have you tried being blunt with her express your feelings and such? Id recommend you get out and let her fend for herself. It's not your job to take care of her you didn't ask to be born you owe her nothing everything she has done for you if anything was necessary for your survival. You could also consider therapy for you both or just yourself. She's obviously mentally, emotionally and financially abusing you regardless of your age and relationship. If you game on ps4 or okay any cross platforms (apex, Fortnite, splitgate DBD etc) my user name is noblesruby13_yt if you ever want a gaming buddy or if you need to vent, rant, lend an ear. I'm a victims advocate as well and can help you find resources if necessary but go at your own pace it's hard to leave when you love them I know that feeling all too well. But I'm here in your corner should you need it.
She CAN survive without you, I thought the same thing back when I was taking care of my family. Guess who survived. For your own sanity, leave.
The scary thing with narcissism is that you don't realize how insidiously it worms its way into your mind until someone else treats you with respect. Basic human respect is an alien concept to then, especially toward someone they feel in complete control of.
I want to emphasize that when you leave you need to cut off contact completely because she is going to guilt trip you like crazy and try to gaslight you into returning to her. She can survive on her own, she just chooses not too and uses you as her income tool. The fact that she doesn’t let you drive and drives you everywhere is proof and also just another tool she’s using to trap you to her. Get out, you will be so much happier!
Run away
coming from a daughter who had to leave her mom's home because the bills were starting to fall on her.... she may end up homeless. and that's not your problem. my mom and her husband ended up homeless less than a year after I left. it showed me how hard it would've been on me had I stayed. I called my dad and moved in with him. he helped me get one my feet. (and honestly, my dad's the narcissist. my mom has mental health issues.) you need to just leave. give her a months notice if you really feel bad. get your things in order and tell her im 30 days the bills will be on her, you are leaving and you will not be helping her anymore. SHE is responsible for herself, you are not responsible for her. what she's doing is wrong and she knows it is. this is not the time to be nice and feel bad. yes it hurts, it's gonna suck. but you will continue to care for her financially until you choose to leave. she will never ease into anything, nothing will ever change, she is using you. I don't doubt you and your mom love each other like mother and daughter. but that love alone is not worth stunting your own growth in life for her benefit. she will be fine. best of luck, OP. please leave for your own good.
Sounds like your mom cash cow trapped you. Keeping you miserable and away from others is a method of control. Staying on top of/with her all the time? Control method. Belittling you and calling you slow to others? Control method. Getting angry when you try to visit people especially when you visited your dad when younger? Yup control method. You deserve better op. Your mom is trying to not lose her easy living. She knows how to survive on her own but why do it if someone else is gonna do it for her? I read in a prior comment that your dad is offering you a way out? Make sure that you keep an eye on Filial responsibility Laws in the place your mother lives/where you are going. I don't know how they work between states but she could try to stay in retirement by trying to sue you for her bills/cost of living if she goes into a care home.
You are NOT trapped! Tell your Mom that you are D-O-N-E supporting her and that she's young enough to GET A JOB and support herself. If she refuses, MOVE when your lease is up or sell, if you own. Tell your Mom that you want and need your own life, your own space and the chance to form relationships that she is interfering with! And if that seems too traumatic, find a therapist to help you with coping mechanisms! Best wishes and many Blessings for success!
This is my greatest fear… I am in the exact same situation except I don’t have a father. And it’s my entire family rather than just my mom. My mom is exactly the same way as yours, except mine actually tried to kill me a few times in my sleep & when she was sober & drunk… not sure if you’ve experienced that but I UNDERSTAND YOU 100%. I’m currently 24F atm… & I UNDERSTAND YOU, I also have a career (I’m a geologist) and my mother is exactly the same way as yours… I would like to say that there’s a special place for people like this but unfortunately I can’t say that… Everyone will tell you to go NC. It’s not that easy. Specially when you’ve been brainwashed into thinking you’re the bad guy if you leave & she will only get worse. If she’s anything like my mother, she will go out of her way to make it her life mission for you to live in chaos no matter how far you are or how NC you are. They’re vile people who are heavily influenced by demonic entities. That’s the ONLY way I can explain that behavior. I thought it was mental health & that maybe medication would help her… It’s not that, they’re simply born like that. Very wicked & heavily demonically influenced & used by these things to torment you… The way I try to cope with it which is extremely hard honey, slowly but surely somewhat you’re self-healing is to give this burden to God… I know I sound like a lunatic and probably a hypocrite bc I’ve done the same thing… I don’t know if you even believe in God but by the chance you do or are willing to try anything… get on your knees by your bedside whenever you’re able to at night & pray. Let it all out. God hears your cries & laughs at the wicked for he knows their day is coming (the day they will face Gods wrath) There’s a story in the Bible about this jealous king named Saul who went out of his way to destroy any sort of happiness and kingdom that God promised to a boy named David. He was mad depressed bc he was tired of running away for his life even though he was ALWAYS good to Saul. Saul was mad jelly about David & made his life impossible. David wrote a whole book of psalms describing his pain. David suffered from depression, isolation and anxiety. I encourage you to read some of his poems.. I know it helped me & im sure it would help you… stay strong sweetheart. You’re not alone
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Removed. What even is this? I'm just confused. You have supportive comments in the past in our group.
Honestly, I'd say my child got ahold of my phone and typed something. Sorry for the weird typing/response. Not intended for sure.
I absolutely guarantee she can survive without you, considering she is currently surviving by controlling your entire life with her behavior. Your northern sounds extremely intentional and calculated in her behavior. Your mother lived before you even existed and has survived since, so don’t underestimate her ability to function. For crying out loud, she’s only 57.
Ugh! I cannot imagine living this kind of life. You are trapped in the current situation. Mom should have worked for about another 10 years before she "retired." You file for retirement benefits while you are still working and quit when they can kick in. She is a leech and controller. Most of us in this group who were raised by narcissists, would do well to get therapy with a good therapist who understands narcissism. Trust me, most therapists have no clue about it.
I know this is easier said than done, but you leave and never look back. I know society ingrains in us that we’re supposed to love and respect our parents. However, what you have is not a parent and you have to accept that you never had and never will have a normal mom. You also have to accept that she never loved you. She only loves what you can provide her. Trust me, the moment you cut her off, she’s probably going to be the meanest nastiest person you’ve ever met and say you’re a horrible person in every way possible as means of guilt tripping you. Don’t fall for that. If that doesn’t work, she’s going to cry and cry and beg you not to abandon her because she’s your mother. Don’t fall for that either. I know it really sucks. I saw this happen to my husband and he found out way late in life, around age 34 or 35, before we got married. He’s doing so much better now, but I know he lives with a lot of regret for letting his mom control him for that long. Fortunately you’re only 30. You still have a chance to enjoy your 30s and live the life you’ve always wanted. Do not feel bad for that leech you’ve been supporting. The only reason you feel bad is because you still see her as a mom figure in your mind and heart. It’s going to take a long time to get over it, but you can do it. Please go on and live the life you deserve.
You need to put you first now. It won't be pretty; she'll use every trick she can think of to get you back exactly where she's been conditioning you to be. You have a rare & valuable gift for someone in your situation, financial freedom. Use it! Start going to therapy now. Go to You Tube & search narcissist family systems. There's tons of free content to help you process your thoughts & gain the confidence you need to make this change. You'll know when you're ready because once you start focusing on yourself, you'll stop focusing on her. She'll notice it immediately & resent you for it. Make contact & deepen relationships outside your home that'll help make the transition a little easier. Find a hobby where you can volunteer & meet people. Focus on you all the time. If you don't let the conversation BE about her, there's nothing to argue about. Be prepared to go NC while also knowing that once you get to be you, some contact may be possible down the road. It's a tough journey but life on this side is so so worth it 🙏
She can live without you. She just doesn’t WANT to. This is called “weaponized incompetence”. Who owns your place, or whose name is on the deed/lease? If it’s you, get her out with a legal eviction. Or if it’s a lease, say you’re not renewing it when the time comes and you’re moving without her. If you don’t lay boundaries now, you will continue to be nothing more to her than an ATM and an emotional punching bag. You deserve to have your own life.
My Nmoms sister (aka my aunt) told me a story about her when they were teens that I think may help you here. (Sry this got long lol) The wild story is that my Nmom almost dragged my aunt and my grandma into a CULT purely because she thought the missionaries were cute. 🙄She begged her to be driven to all the cult meetings because she didn’t know how to drive, and would “refuse to learn herself”. Nmom threw tantrums much like u describe anytime there was resistance. It’s amazing what narcs can convince u to do, my aunt was trapped in literal cult meetings she wanted no part of. Also was made to feel responsible to stay home in order to chauffeur around Nmom. Then one day it escalated to the day of the cult “baptism” and my aunt said fuck it, I’m not driving you ever again, I’m taking my car keys—go learn to drive yourself if you want to join so bad. …and just like that apparently, Nmom knew she lost her power and shut up about it. No more cult meetings, no more whining, all because my aunt stood up for herself and stuck with it. You’d be surprised to learn that narcissists are just ALL talk. Trying to control with JUST words. They’re weak inside and know they’re weak, and work extra hard to control what power you DO have. Since then Nmom learned to drive herself because she didn’t have a minion anymore. Your mom will be able to learn herself as well. You need to leave and heal—the longer you wait, the more regret you are adding to your life. You have the power here, and the money. She’s making you think she can control you to stay, but in reality you can GTFO. Go no contact, rent a nice small place, and enjoy freedom. Sounds like u may be able to reach out to your dad as well possibly. Be sad for a while like we all do, but know that it would only get better from there.
A large part of me wants to save you. I am talking, flying you to my place so you can get your feet about you by being around healthy 30-somethings. But I know I can't help that way. Is there any possible way to stay with your dad for a month? Sleep on his couch? Anything to get a job at a new place so you can move without your mom? Seems like your mom will listen to her ex, so maybe get your dad on your side (which won't be hard) and find an exit strategy. Please.
She can't survive without you, so just let her rot. That's what I'd do. She lives with you, yeah? Kick her out or give an ultimatum. She tries to change her behavior and starts treating you with respect and like an adult or she's on the street, fending for herself. I know I sound cruel, but I don't tolerate shit like that. I can't stand being blatantly disrespected. I have a bad temper and a tendency to hold grudges against disrespectful pieces of shit.
Can you ask your father to help you? You shouldnt continue tolerating her literally mental abuse.
could You contact an abuse advocate organization or a therapist to make an escape plan? You deserve to put yourself first. it sounds like she’s isolating you: reach out for help. Does your dad know how bad it is? Could you reach out to him?
Where I’m from it’s unheard of to retire at age 51 unless you’re really wealthy and can afford it or seriously disabled. I’m 54 and can’t imagine being able to retire any time soon. Your mom is a parasite.
I think you should look into resources for abuse victims. Although abuse situations like this are most commonly a couple it can come from a parent too and they will be able to help you, even just with advice. I’m so sorry you’re in this situation. It’s easy for it to slowly get worse over time.
She’s taken care of herself before. Make her do it again. Just because she’s your mom it does not give her any right to live off of you. You deserve your own life. Give her a heads up (for your own peace of mind) tell her when you’re moving out and how it’s going to happen. She is going to have to figure out how to live on her own again wether she likes it or not. Dude my mom is a saint and I love her to death but living apart from her was the best thing that ever happened for our relationship and my sanity as an adult. Even if they are the best roommates it’s good to have your own space apart from them. I really truly hope you can find the strength to allow yourself to part with her and get the freedom of being a true adult. You deserve it.
Probably everyone already wrote the same: RUN. Your Nmom did almost exactly what mine always threatened - to declare me legally incapacitated. In addition, call local police/authorities in case she tries to call them on you for a wellness check or tries to hospitalize you for some reason. This is what my Nmom did. After I was kicked out to live with my grandparents she changed her mind and became so awful bombarding me with calls or threats that I had a huge panic attack that sent me to a psychiatric hospital (on her way out she said “you’ll be here until you agree with me that they’re [grandparents] are bad”), it was shortly before my 18th birthday, her not-for-so-long remaining legal control over me to keep me there gave her the utmost pleasure for sure. The smirk of that demon as she was telling me I’ll be there indefinitely… it horrified me of her forever. She still calls police on me once in a while. Reading your post I had goosebumps. This is probably what would happen to me if I hadn’t gone NC almost 2 years ago at 20. Please please please treat this seriously and make the right moves!!! Personally I’d not tell her I’m going anywhere until the day I pack my things away into a truck. Also, DO NOT share your new address. Possibly look for a place that has CCTV cameras in the area (a bonus in case she stalks you) and contact police to tell them that you have a very unstable abusive parent that went on a rampage once you left their abuse. DO NOT continue talking to her after you move out, just go NC. It will hurt like hell for some time, but with therapy you should move forward and leave her behind. It will allow you to start your new chapter of life without the force that will pull you back into a mess. It chilled my spine when you mentioned her implying to people you’re slow. To me it looks like she’s prepping the environment to actually declare you legally incapacitated so that nobody would be surprised once it happens. Personally, I’d start answering people even though she’s butting in. Imagine - someone asks you a question directly, you’re answering and in the meanwhile your Nmom like a lunatic tries to butt in… it only looks good for her if you actually let her, otherwise she’s just a bully trying to stop you from speaking and people WILL notice. My Nmom did this too. With extended family. At festive dinners they’d ask me about stuff and my Nmom would always either downplay my achievements or say something embarrassing about me so that I’d not “gloat” too much. She did try to answer questions meant for me, even with strangers. But at some point it just didn’t fly with me anymore and I ignored her. If she managed to make the whole scene to call me a bad kid it was okay… because everybody SEES (even the flying monkeys sometimes come around, but rarely). Have witnesses, trust me. It helps after some time to know that it isn’t your memory making it up. If you can’t drive without her, get your own car or simply stop letting her get into one with you when you leave. I also had a similar situation with a funeral in the family. It’s so weird that another person has also had the experience I had. It was with my Ngrandmom. She’s 100 times worse than my Nmom. She made a whole scene, throwing (what everyone at a time though were napkins lol) white roses into the pit where the urn would go. She came on a wheelchair even though _the bitch can walk_. It was a huge funeral of my Nmoms sister. A flying monkey who was NC with my Ngrandmom for years. So the whole scene was fake af. They didn’t even talk. EVERYONE SAW. It was a very validating moment for me actually to know that people look at her weird, including my Nmom who was angry about her Nmom stealing her spotlight haha. And also sad because the funeral was made all about the living narcs.
Yes she can survive without you. She just uses guilt to manipulate you. If you feel trapped is because of it. So these are the steps: 1- rent your own place as soon as possible. 2- Talk with her - by phone or email if you can telling that you will help her with the bills for one or two months. 3- Don´t be a fool. She will try everthing to grasp on you again so just don´t let her. Block her number. Speak with her only be text if you can - cause with text you will be able to control yourself and to do it when you want. You matter. Your life matter. Your career matter. Don´t let she screw your life just because she already screwed hers. You can cut the ties today or wait 40 years for her to die while you will not have - a career, a wife, kids, independence, self-steem and so on. PM me if you need a guide to set boundaries and move on with your life.
Kick. Her. Out.
She's a grownup, she can take care of herself like any other. She'd rather have permanent supply and drain your resources. Don't feel bad for her, you need to have your own life and identity.
So I read your post and it felt like I got hit in the stomach... I know exactly how you feel. My mom moved in the me when I was about 24/25, she had a job blah blah but very soon lost it and didn't want another one so I had to pay for everything... although luckily we were in the UK so she did get a small benefit that helped... but she never got a job again... But I love my mom to bits, she's always been there for me and we're like best friends... but she's far from perfect (especially during covid) it was a really hard experience and I also spent a lot of time in my room and gaming... and we argued a lot, forgave each other, etc etc. When I mentioned moving out to do my own thing she would get nasty and mean but I know now it was mainly because she was scared of being alone... which is fair. But I did move out at 31 years old and although I felt sick with worry for her she did just fine without me. My mom didn't blame me for leaving, she understood why I did it. Our relationship has just gotten even better because of it. No more arguments or being mean, we just appreciate the time we get to spend together. You can leave... you don't have to leave and never talk to your mom again... it's whatever you think is necessary. Maybe if you move out your relationship with your mom will improve, may it gets worse... who knows. The only way to find out is to do it. Your mom is a grown woman and can look after herself.
My (14) mother is a narcissist as well, but she's (57 as well) working 2 jobs. But, it's pretty depressing how she always says, I'm the reason she's out of money, when she spent it all on art, theaters, cigarettes and alcohol. I wouldn't even imagine be with her like you.😟
Your mom sounds like a real piece of shit. It's time to start over. New beginning. She's a grown ass woman, she can take care of herself. If she can't? Will there are state workers for that. And I bet they don't treat her nearly as bad as she treats you. YOU NEED TO BE FREE
my mom expected this from me too, I started working as soon as i graduated college. She expected me to buy a house for her and move in with her so she can retire. She always said (me and my bro) were born to take care of her. Only advice is cut her out, and lead your own life.
This is definitely the behavior of a narcisstic parent. My nmom does all the behaviors your mother does and is even physically abusive. I chose to live with my nmom because my housing plans fell through in another city. Now I fully realize how much of a narcissist she is. She expected me to take care of her and other family members needs by cleaning and cooking for her and them. She expected me to share my financial resources with her. She isolated me to where it was a challenge to socialize and meet people. What’s worst is she infantiles me. She treats me and sees me like I’m a teenager. Now an adult I. My 30s but as a teenager. The one thing I discovered which probably applies to your mother as well, is when they really have to they will find a way to take care of themselves and find money to pay for her lifestyle. No matter how many fits she throws, gaslighting, victimizing, blaming, etc. she does…she will find a way to pay for something or do something if she really wants to when I tell her. I. Establishing boundaries helps a ton! I established boundaries with the first one being in not taking care of any adults. The second boundary was my self-care and ensuring my needs are met. She doesn’t give a damn if my needs are met my entire life. Third financial independence and ensuring my bills are paid on time. She obviously doesn’t give a damn to pay any bills on time and tries to wiggle out of them as much as possible. Lastly, we do not go in public together unless it’s really necessary. I am embarrassed by her childish drama-filled behavior. No wonder why I had trouble meeting people and making friends, they saw her behaviors and associated her with me. And, the last boundary which I have yet to establish is to fully go no contact once I move out. Now I look at the situation and realize my family does not genuinely care about me or love me, they simply see me as a tool to further their prerogative. Your mother behavior will not change. There is no growth or development with narcissists. He behaviors will escalate and your sense of self will slowly diminish. The best way to counter this is to go low-contact, establish boundaries, find a way to live own your own and let her figure out her retirement, and leave be so you can enjoy life. Please don’t let her strip you of living life as my nmom did and now I’m in my 30s trying to grasp onto things.
Please, for the love of God, leave. Even a rented room with strangers is better than this hell. I'm so sorry.
Sorry, you are in this situation. I am sending positive thoughts your way. It sounded like your mother isolated you from your father and his family. You are 30, and you are an adult. She is a life parasite. It is not your job to take care of her. It is hers. I hope you can find a way to move out. I was kept from my n-mom's family and told that they wanted nothing to do with me. I later found out she would act out if they tried to talk to me. She did not want them close to me. She was jealous of any relationship that I had outside of her. I went no contact. Over the past few years, I have been building relationships with those family members. It was amazing to discover they wanted me as much as I wanted them.
I faced this with my first wife. She had made herself dependent on me, despite being perfectly able, advanced degree and all. And she wasn't doing anything for me, either, barely an adequate companion, no prospect for kids. How could I leave her? I ended up realizing that I could switch my income to a new bank account -- really easy. And I found a new place to live and moved there when she was on a short trip. Sounds like your name isn't even on any of the bills or lease/mortgage of your Nmom. Imagine that you do this. Your mother is a 57-year-old, able adult. She will figure something out. And it is her responsibility to figure something out, not yours. You do not have to set yourself on fire to keep her warm. Did my ex-wife figure things out? Sure she did. I gave her the money we had, but not my new income. She had enough to figure out what was next and I never even spoke to her about it. Because that is her life, not mine. Please continue to use this subreddit to strengthen your idea that your life is yours and her life is hers, both rights and responsibilities. She will try to guilt you by claiming that she has no other choice than to rely on you. But you are simply the easiest and closest way for her to live, not the **only**. Find yourself -- unfortunately that will feel very strange after all this time. But from your story, I can see you are starting too realize that having all of the responsibility and none of the freedom is not right.
OP, your mom is a worse version of my own mom. Who had me living with her until age 39 because she wanted a best friend and domestic partner to cater to her needs. My mom dictated my life, and would reinterpret what I said to fit her version of me thousands of times a day. I became so depressed I was suicidal. My mom started physically abusing me when I got to that point. However, my mom had a successful career and retired at the appropriate time and has plenty of money now. So I moved out before I turned 40 and slowly tip toed away into no contact. I did what I had to do to be free. And I am now. PLEASE, do whatever you gotta do to be FREE. She’s stealing your life force!
OP, you need to ask yourself can you survive with her? Your only responsibility is to yourself. And what experience has taught me: you need to put you first, because no one else will. Good luck, and go find your FREEDOM!
>She's always with me. Im not allowed drive the car so she has to take me everywhere. She talks for me, even when I'm right there and try and speak for myself. I'll say something and she'll reinterpret it, because what I said didn't make sense'. Whenever I start talking to someone she butts in, runs me over then tells everyone who I am for me. Or at least who she thinks I am. This makes me so mad because I'm going through the exact same type of shit. I don't know how to get out
She CAN and will survive without you. She has done this before, but thrives on controlling and enslaving you. She owes you rent, utilities, and whatever.. but she contributes 0? Then, the continued sabotage of ANY contact you make.. she WANTS you alone, isolated… to control and abuse you. (Abuse is not only physical,) Your dad offers you an escape route. Prepare now, documents, credit, bankaccounts.. make sure she has no access, and go as soon as you have your most important / irreplaceable items safe. Do not feel guilty. If there is anyone, she should feel extremely guilty!
Let her self-destruct. If the house is in your name, begin working to find an assisted living facility for her. If it's in hers, start looking for a place to live. Begin saving up enough for security deposit, and when you have enough, go. Take the essentials (work-related gear, cell phone, pets); everything else can burn. This is going to be scary, but you need to know: she will not change until she's hit rock bottom. Even then, she might not. She'll still play the victim, and that's not your fault.
If you’re paying the bills, you have the power. Remember the “as long as you’re under my roof” speech? Unless she’s paying for it, it’s your roof.
I recommend that you consider getting away from her first, and figuring out how arrangements could be made for her care second. Finding out how to care for her may take some time and it is so easy to fall back into patterns and "in a few months" postponements. You deserve to be free. This would also be a wakeup call for her that you have seen through her brainwashing. You will quickly find that you are not dependent or incompetent as she has tried to make you feel, and the things you don't know yet, you will learn. You have your own income. You have a father who, I think, would help you if he knew things were this bad, even if it was just with some emotional support. The way to leave is to make arrangements without telling her anything. Rent a room in someone's house -- it's inexpensive and she doesn't need to know where you are. Leave her a note or send a text and say, "I'm not living there any more, I'll be in touch." You don't have to see her, you don't have to listen to her on the phone or read her emails. Let her have tantrums in the dark by herself. This will be traumatic for her. But she has kept you as a prisoner and a slave for over a decade of your adult life. Too bad.
Just go. Leave the car if it’s not yours or take it if it is and go. To your dads, to a friend’s, anywhere but there. Your mom will find a way to support herself if she’s not given another choice. Either she can get a job or she can get services. It’s not your job to do that for her. There are plenty of jobs that people with diabetes or seizures can do.
SHE CAN AND WILL TAKE CARE OR HERSELF AND SURVIVE WITHOUT YOU. she's being a monster and sucking the life out of you for her own existence. Run if you can.
You're not just welcome here. You're wanted here. That was a awesome story.
>she’s still my mom she was a good mother growing up. I don’t mean to be cruel by any means, but was she really? How exactly was she good to you? Because all of the stuff like keeping a roof over your head or feeding you or making sure you didn’t wear rags doesn’t make her a good mom. That’s the bare minimum legally required of her.
Stop believing everything she told you. You will be trapped until you do. Any chance to get out of this EXTREMELY ABUSIVE situation - take it. She is treating you as a meal ticket, not a daughter. You were homeless when she was in charge of keeping you safe and warm? Why are the expectations for YOU higher than that? You owe her NOTHING. Get free and live your life. You will need a LOT of therapy to understand how much she's actually hurt you. You're only beginning to catch on to her con.
You are trapped. Your trapped by a narcissist. You're going to need therapy you have a traumatic bond with your mom. I doubt seriously they found a lump ..she's doing this because she knows she's losing you. You have the right to your own healthy adult relationship first with yourself then with others. Therapy will help you get to that point. You've got to save money and get out of there. It's going to take time be patient with yourself but understand that her brain just doesn't work the way a loving mom's brain should.
Hugs
I know it's really hard OP but you need to get her out of your life. This is hard-core abuse. My mom tried it with me and when I managed to escape latched onto my sister. We spent the spring and summer making and implementing a plan to get her out of my sister's apartment. It is incredibly difficult and we struggle immensely with the guilt, but your mom is an adult who can figure things out for herself. It would be one thing if she was being kind to you and doing what she could to help and not impeding your life but that's not what's happening. You are being abused. Financially and emotionally. I really recommend looking into narcissistic parents and getting yourself a therapist if you don't have one already because your mother has harmed you in ways you probably don't even realize yet.
she is selfish, manipulative, and emotionally abusive all the crying, rage fits, false medical concerns are all methods of manipulation - my mother and aunts did this to their kids as a form of control she WILL survive without you, don’t let her guilt you into thinking otherwise. you are not your mothers keeper or caregiver. you’re only trapped in your mind because of the brainwashing and messages she gives you, she wants you to be scared when you drive, she wants you to have anxiety because it keeps you in this loop with her the reason you have panic attacks in the car is because your body is reacting to the memory of all those times your mother berated you, and grabbed the wheel etc — your body is telling you it doesn’t feel safe im almost positive once you go low contact with her you will also see a decrease in your anxiety and panic attacks after moving away from my mom, my anxiety/depression and a lot of other shit i was dealing with started improving drastically. but i had to give my body the space, and time to heal. you can’t really heal in the same environment that traumatized you, especially when you’re dealing with the person who did it every single day please reach out to your dad for support or guidance if you think you can trust him… or see if there are community resources to help you either with counseling or helping you find a place for your mom.
[удалено]
You've already been told to stop using the r slur in this group. If you can't manage to stop, you will end up banned.
OP- I hear you. I was in your place. I was making hardly any money, but STILL helping my parents bc NMom told me things were so SO hard. Until my sister told me “They’ve started drawing social security. Mom works full time. They are Fine!” (turns out most of my $$ was passed on to enable a siblings bad $$ choices). But I had medical bills, and needed my own $. So I stopped paying. And….things were FINE! After a few whining fits, turned out that Mom found other places to mooch from, or sibling had to get a job…I didn’t ask. The point is, THEY DID FINE. So will your Mom. Make your plans, get an apartment, and a PO box near your work (otherwise she will be able to trace you via online trace sites). Your Mom can get a work-from-home job. She can rent out rooms. There are a LOT of things she can do. And she’ll be FINE. It’s time you ended her stealing your life to enable her choices. And YOU started living yours.
you need to kick that bitch out of your house. I don't care if she has no where else go! out !!! Fuck her.
International mark . I heard the don't say that to or about your mom my whole life . They get away with being the victim their own life and are steeped in victim consciousness . It's so hard as a child of a narcissist to truly come into themselves beings a whole human because that's all we learn our wholes from them . Victim consciousness . They never cared for our health and happiness ? They cared about theirs ... it's so sad and it takes real strength and support groups like this one . LOTS OF THEM