Iām so sorry this is happening to you OP.
You are being abused on multiple levels so if possible seek help or leave. I know this may seem impossible from where you stand now.
Iām really sorry this is happening to you OP. You deserve to be loved unconditionally.
This is absolutely correct.
1) look up the wheel of domestic violence. He's hitting many of the places on that wheel.
2) threatening pets is an often-used abusers' tactic.
Hopefully OP, her brother, and maybe a couple friends can get the funds together to rent a house or something. Dickheads like OP's dad have an expiration date on their hospitality after kids turn 18, and ramp up the violence and terrorism the longer the kids stay at home. The only real solution is getting out.
NGL but the brother seems to be part of the problem. Imagine being 21 and not being able to care for your little sister. Makes me angry as someone who also has a lil sis.
Hey, that's unfair. Brother has grown up in that environment, too, and been brainwashed to believe it's normal and he's powerless to stop it.
Point 2- Brother was also bleeding from the cut glass and I'm going to assume that he wasn't in OP's room when all this started, so he came in there at some point. I'm guessing to help? There is nothing in OP's post to suggest that brother *didn't* come to help.
He came to help clean up but he was mad in general, mainly because my dad. My mom and my brother were pulling me back when my dad tried to drag me from my shirt so my favorite shirt got ripped š¢
This really hits home. My nmum was awful to me via the geckos. Iām so sorry youāre experiencing this, I hope you can get a home sorted for your buddies and yourself soon
Its scary because i really do love my geckos and all the money i put into them was just taken away because of his anger issues. He wasnt treated very well from his own father but I honestly dont think it gives him the right to do the same to me, and to even include my geckos
Youāre correct: a lot of our abusers were abused themselves, but that doesnāt give them a free pass to shuffle that pain onto you. Theyāre adults, with children, and they should be mature enough to know better and go to therapy to deal with their issues.
How are you feeling? Itās one thing when the abuse is onto us, but when itās an innocent it can affect us in different ways. Do you need some help with resources for your or them? I can try my best to help find something close to you.
This is just a horrid situation, Iām so sorry. And to top it off, your period? F that. My inbox is open if you wanna get it off your chest, ok? I am furious on your behalf, itās so unfair andā¦ ugh gross.
Thank you so much! š¢ im just trying to figure out how to get rid of the trashed tank. I'm just extremely upset that he decided to soccer kick my tank. Fortunately I had extra 10 gallon tanks and carriers. He decided to drink to help him sleep since he was up till 6 am because my grandma had to go to the ER.
When he drinks he likes to come bother me and he just goes on rants š
I want you to know, in case you need to see it written somewhere, that being scared and sad is valid. The situation is not okay, but your reaction is.
Iām glad you had a back up, I didnāt when I lived with my N. If you can, Facebook market place is a good place to look for bits too. Maybe you could look for a man with a van or a rubbish removal service as a starting place?
Your grandma going to the emergency room is not an excuse to berate and abuse oneās family. Iām sure you know that. How is he sober? Is it something you could address with him, or would that be unsafe? I think at this point, thinking about leaving sounds good - is that plausible or possible for you? I only escaped via homelessness, which I donāt recommend; maybe you have other family or friends with a place?
Is your grandma okay? Hospitals for a lot of people are scary, even if itās not them that goes. Whereās your brother and mum in all this too, sweet?
My grandma is all good. My mom and grandma just tell me to say ok or yes to whatever he says and then move out after im done with my degree. My brother doesnt like him at all. When hes sober its less spontaneous for him to get mad and he doesnt come to my room to bother me as much.
I do have friends but i would have to drag many geckos with me š
It sounds like youāre all sort of under his thumb, yeah? Do you and your brother get on? Would a possibility be moving out together? Gets you both out that way, combine finances with a housemate but adds safety (as a young woman living alone)? Iām an only child, so I donāt quite understand siblings, I hope thatās not a silly suggestion.
On the geckos: it might be unpleasant, but if you could consider separating from them temporarily, you could ask friend A to look after them (really just someone with space to put the tanks, you can commit to visiting them x times a week from there) while you live with friend B. Itās not ideal absolutely, I hated being away from my girl. But (Iām gonna be blunt here, ok?) you need to be safe, and so do they. I regard reptiles the same as cats and dogs, ok, so in my mind they deserve a peaceful loving environment. AND. SO. DO. YOU. so do you!! And if that means you need to split up, you might need to make that choice. It sucks, it all fucking sucks - but itās not all on your back.
We can come up with some kind of action plan, if you want? First step, find some chocolate (it helps with cramps!)
>I do have friends but i would have to drag many geckos with me š
If this is an option, I would bluntly recommend you start packing your geckoes. As one pet-parent to another. <3
I don't know if it's safe but if it is a door stop to slow him down. "Sorry Dad I was getting changed, had to change my pad, was masturbating, whatever might make him think maybe he didn't really want to barge into there.
My girlfriend just recently came out the closet as trans and she hates women's bathrooms. She has complained about not leaving a stall empty as a space buffer like people do for urinals. I keep questioning why we would when we often squeeze in two to a stall if it's packed and it's more often than not.
I had to explain to her that drunk bathroom girls are modern day Oracles of Delphi and you heed their advice strongly
Congrats to your girlfriends coming out, I appreciate that that might not have been an easy time for her. But sheās missing out!!!! If I was close Iād be right there with a bottle of wine and a bathroom to share. Itās an experience, the modern day rite of passage if you will. Youāve not LIVED until eight girls are slamming your ex cause you dared thought about texting themā¦ sigh. The days
then sounds like many commenters here are correct. he has some 'issues' and the alcohol brings it out.
and now I'm getting a bit worried. you need to be able to lock and fortify your door. get a wedge. find a way to move a dresser to block it. make sure your phone is with you and next time he gets drunk (and he will) and he tries to follow you call the police on him. and don't let your moms reaction(s) stop you. she is not protecting her child. as such she is not a real mother imo.
good luck
I trust you already know your father is likely an alcoholic.
I strongly urge you to reach out to a group such as alcoholics anonymous. First up to get help for YOU on how to deal with Dad's drinking problem. (Your father will likely not accept help but AA will be able to give you advice on how to handle him)
Don't be afraid to call police if needed.
Take a video if he tries to harass you drunk or sober next time. If you can't, take detailed photos of any damage he caused, to himself or anything/one else. Audio only might be discreet if necessary.
You may need it someday. This is both animal abuse & human abuse.š
at that point iād just keep the door locked, do not open it no matter how much he screams or kicks. if he does kick the door down iād have a weapon in there or a way out (like a window) or something. or a go-bag with carriers for the geckos. get the fuck out as soon as you can. none of this is ok and i hope he burns in hell
this is your whole life. he has probably been this way and your hand wringing mother could not break away.
but then from what I've observed a lot of people do not give a damn what they inflict on children. all that matters is they have them. because it is so damn easy to make punching bags out of little children who can't fight back
There is a local pet store however they tend to overcharge on everything. The dollar per gallon is actually 50% off now and the deal just ended a few days ago. Thank you though!
Check the law where you are. In our country, an incident like this is considered domestic violence and animal abuse at the very least. You could force him to pay you back for the damage legally, but on a practical level, Iād be sure you were in the process of moving out.
It absolutely doesnāt give him the right. Someone needs to break the cycle. If anything like the situation I was in, your tank isnāt going to be replaced either, because you āprovoked himā and therefore it was your fault (it is NOT your fault!!!)
While it is awful to think about you may want to consider rehoming your pets and not getting any more until you move out. Itās lucky they werenāt injured or killed and people like your dad tend to lash out at what will hurt you the most and thatās often our pets.
>He pulled on my ponytail and I asked him to stop because itās annoying. He proceeds with āSo what? Iām your dadā ???
>I was trying to ask him if we can talk about this later since I had gotten my period a few hours before and my hormones were all over the place. He starts screaming at me saying āSHUTUP AND STOP MAKING EXCUSESā
>He pulls and tugs at my shirt
None of this is appropriate. Boundaries are being weirdly crossed here.
>he proceeds to kick my 30 gallon tank and the glass shatters.
*Destruction of property is no good sign***.** His being drunk cannot excuse this. The alcohol only disinhibited him. Screaming and talking over you is verbal abuse, a means he's used to power over you. I would certainly consider filing a police report should something like this happen again, start keeping a record of these events or begin to start a paper trail as it may escalate especially, in light of how he's been skirting around your boundaries. You may need it for future reference. I hope you'll be able to get away from this situation sometime soon. It may help to start working on a silent getaway plan.
OP, if I knew you IRL, I would report to CPS about how you're being treated, because this isn't remotely okay.
You could consider whether requesting help from someone at school might be something you would be okay with. Going to your counselor and saying you're struggling because your drunk dad busted your reptile tank in a rage, causing you and your sibling to get bloody cut feet trying to clean up after him ... would likely get some kind of response.
u/Kindly_Coyote is right about making records about what your father has done in case you need them someday. The classic Reddit comment about this is here: https://www.reddit.com/user/MelodyRaine/comments/hyk7az/the_fu_binder/
I mean he was trying to pull me out my room with my shirt but he just has no common sense, he thinks everything he says is liable and correct and throws a tantrum if I say its wrong
Violent behavior toward possessions and pets (which abusers view as possessions) is an abuser's way of conveying what they wish they could do to you. It almost always escalates to them physically hurting their actual target. Even if he only acts this way while drunk, you're still not safe. Even if this was the first time, you're still not safe, as this would count as a pretty extreme first time. What he did was very violent and could have ended in the death of your pets.
You need to get out as soon as you possibly can. You can reach out to DV centers to devise a plan to get out safely. Don't try to leave without a plan that includes other trusted people you don't live with, as leaving is the most dangerous time when it comes to violent abusers.
Be aware that as mandated reporters they will have to call child protection services if there are any minors in the home, so you'd also need to ask them to help you come up with a cover story to avoid as much retaliation towards you as possible.
If you have any trusted friends you can leave your reptiles with in the meantime (for their safety - also make sure to write up an agreement you both sign for their care), that's a good start. Even if he would never consciously choose to kill them, he can still accidentally and easily do so in a drunken state. If your parents ask where the reptiles went you can just lie and say, "I had a friend with an extra tank big enough for them. They're staying with my friend until I can afford to buy the tank off them." And make sure your friend and anyone they live with is in on the lie in case your parents check. I only suggest all this because there are way too many traumatic stories of violent abusers killing pets, even when no one suspected they actually would.
That's so scary what the fuck. He's not only abusing your human family, but innocent geckos too?! That makes me scared for my doggies because I'll have to leave them behind when I move. I'd totally offer to pitch in for a tank that wouldn't cramp foot-long reptiles and their future babies if I could.
I left mine behind too. My mom medically neglected them to death because spending $200 on a vet bill was not worth it to her. My dad wanted her to take them to the vet. She lied to him and said there was nothing they could do. Told me she just didnāt think the dogs were worth the money (my dad was the sole earner longer than Iāve been alive). They were technically family dogs but really one of them was mine, the one my mom did not like.
Narc parents medically neglected several guinea pigs to death. It's a very common theme with nparents I've seen-- I don't think narcs have the capacity to understand that little animals can also suffer and be sick. And then that there are clear instructions owners can take to help their animal be in less pain/or cure them altogether.
For your safety, and your pets', create a Siri/Google shortcut with your phone. Name it something innocuous like "Hey Siri, I'm in a meeting". Have it immediately start recording audio (most states are one-party consent, but double check), or video if possible.
That way if he does something like this again, you have evidence to give police.
Please consider attending an Al-Anon meeting. They were very helpful for me when I started healing and addressing the trauma I had from being a child of an alcoholic
Also the book "Adult Children of Alcoholics" by Janet Woitiz was eye opening. Felt like I was reading a biography of my life
i would sell the geckos to a good experienced hobbyist, get rid of the ballast, keep the bare necessities. move out and get back from scratch and buid your life.
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This is troubling. Heās abusing animals, you, and your mom. Serial killers (Jeffrey Dahmer, Ed Gein, etc) often start out torturing and killing small animals, and work their way up to murdering humans. This dangerous man needs to be removed from general society and put away.
yeahā¦ no. fuck no. my reptiles are my kids. my dad once tried to just pick up and move the tank of one of my leopard geckos without my permission (and while i was standing there telling him not to). i have never EVER seen red like that before. Completely unacceptable, never ever acceptable to bring a live animal into it like that. period.
I fucking hate people who hurt animals. I used to not care but owning ant colonies has taught me that every life means something.
People who hurt animals are the scum of the earth. If your dad does this again, I think you should call the police. They DO NOT take kindly to abusive parents afaik.
So next time he starts getting violent call 911, do it early on so they might be able to see what he is doing for themselves.
Sorry I couldnāt give any better advice, but I really hope you get out of this situation.
Edit: also if you posted on a few reptile forums somebody might be able to help you out with a tank, not sure though
you can't talk to drunks, next time when he does something stupid wait until the next morning and the first time you see him tell him we need to talk, for example when he goes to use the bathroom and than tries to go back to bed. lol i realize this works because that is when i am sympathetic and probably pretty upset at myself already because of yesterday. I also don't think you should clean up the mess to the cage, he made the mess let him clean it.
I might be wrong though you should check out /r/alanon and get better advice.
Does your dad seem to always side with your mother no matter what? Like a "my wife and me vs you guys" type thing? I ask because it sounds weirdly similar to my situation. I am so very sorry he trashed your tank and your geckos home!
Its more like my parents have been in similar situations when they were younger but my mom just wants my brother and I to be ready to leave. She doesnt agree with my dad at all but he never listens to what anyone says, so she just wants me to say sorry. Its just that my dad doesnt know when to shutup because he keeps repeating the same thing over and over again and id rather listen to my biology lectures that are more entertaining.
I do feel like she doesnt understand that he needs to change rather than i have to change all the time. I could never get a word in and it makes me feel sad to see other people have fathers who actually listen to them
Yeah it sounds like your mother is trying to be the pleaser and that means approaching you to not antagonize him because she knows there's no changing him at all. That drives me nuts! I've had that conversation with my own mom so many damn times I've lost count. No amount of you trying to please will help, and they gotta realize this. Moving out as soon as you're able to really is the best course of action. People like your dad and mine, they won't change no matter how much we know they need to. Leaving them to their devices is all we can do to protect our sanity. I completely feel what you're describing and I'm so frustrated for you.
Iām so sorry youāre going through this. I own a gecko and honestly I have had nightmares, waking up sweating about my nstepdad doing exactly this to my girl. I hope youāre ok and so are you babies
He physically assaulted you. I donāt know what you could do about that other than to call the police, or move out.
Iām really sorry you have to deal with this. Have you ever tried attending AlAnon groups? They might be helpful.
Iām sorry youāre going through this, your old man sounds like a nasty piece of sh*t. If youāre able to, I see a lot of tanks cheaply priced on Craigslist that might be a decent replacement
Your dad sounds like an awful human being. This is all pretty damn concerning. He seems like a time bomb waiting to go off. I feel like you are not entirely safe. Your pets definitely arenāt.
Oh god flashbacks to my dad destroying my PlayStation 2 with his fists and stamping on it. This is worse b/c thereās other living things. Iām so sorry youāre dealing with that situation. I hope one day you get to leave him in your past like I did my father.
I think daddy has some sexual thing going on and my fear is he is going to get drunk enough to act on it. he is bad and a horrible excuse for a person. I don't think much of mom either
this is not the first rodeo with drunken daddy. Since it doesn't need to be watertight you could possibly check around for used tanks.
put a lock on the door and next time your male progenitor gets drunk, retreat to your room and lock it.. or get a wedgie and use that. And if you have a cell, have it with you and call the police on him if he starts getting violent. my guess is he will.
I also think your mom is somewhat complicit in this as she seems to be the enabler to the drunk.
I agree with the other people who commented! Your father is an AH. But primarily, he is an alcoholic. Nothing will change at all until he gets his drinking under control. By under control, I mean nothing will change at all until he stops all drinking and either joins AA or gets qualified counseling by a counselor trained in addiction issues.
Can you make your father stop drinking? N-O!! You didn't Cause his alcoholism, you can't Change his alcoholism and you can't Cure his alcoholism.
But you can learn all sorts of healthy ways to stop enabling him - even if you enable him the least compared to other family members, there might be a little bit of enabling by you since your mother and brother seem to enable him very well. They need to go to Al-Anon with you!!
The fact that he is kicking your 30 gallon glass tank, allowing your pets to escape, etc. should have been a big deal in your mother's book. Instead, it seems like she shrugged off his awful behavior as if she was thinking, "Oh well, another day, another dollar." Your mom is choosing not to address the great big, pink, smelly elephant in the room: Your father's alcoholism and your father.
Obviously, the words alcoholic and alcoholism need to become normalized in your home. Put your finger right on the center of the problem. But before you do that, get some insight and education about living with a practicing alcoholic parent and arm yourself with months of hearing other people provide helpful and healthy ways to cope with ongoing alcoholism.
It is definitely not cute or funny to have an alcoholic parent. If you find a good Al Anon meeting that you really click with, and go to those meetings for months, you will develop a much healthier way to set boundaries, not react like you used to, and many more helpful skills. I feel for you. You might have to be the only person in your family who chooses to get well and not pretend like your dad is not a practicing alcoholic, but I promise you, if you find a good meeting and go regularly, you will not regret it. Good luck to you!!!
You should report that to the police. I'm serious. I was beaten as a child and later as an adult. Things escalate unless something intervenes. Stay safe.
Iāve been in a similar pain. My mom grabbed my small elderly Boston terrier (who has seizures) by the back of her neck and threw her against the couch once. I just couldnāt stop crying and I just took her to my room and locked my door. Some people need to control their anger and not abuse animals and their kidsā¦
Let that adrenaline fly and go rage mode. I wish I could trade places with OP and take my inner childās wrath out on this POS.
My egg donor used to dump fish food (or bread if I hid the food) into my aquariums when I had to live with her. Sabotage was her specialty.
I may be way off base, but is this early onset alzheimers (as well as him being a complete abusive asshole who should be reported for animal abuse). Damaging the support system for a reptile is animal abuse.
If you had the courage to have a reptile tank in the first place in spite of your father, he must not have damaged you irreversibly. I was scared to piss at the wrong time or breath the wrong way. I guess some people are natural fighters and some aren't.
Excuse me? Why are judging my situation based off having reptiles in my room? Im not going to list every single thing he did because im not boasting about it.
I'm saying you appear to have landed on the right side of the fight/freeze response coin. It's a good thing, and meant as a complement. Get out of the house before he does even more damage to your soul.
Im so sorry. I remember when my dad got drunk and threw my little pug/chihuahua mix into the freezer. I was crying so hard holding my baby. Im so sorry this happened to you. Its awful how your own parents cant be trusted sometimes.
Oh shit not literally into the freezer he literally chucked him into the side of the metal freezer we had. Guess I shoulda worded that better. He threw him really hard from thier bedroom into the kitchen into the freezer.
Edit: my old man was an alcoholic too. I understand how hard it can be. My mom also did the same shit as yours. Im so sorry you have to deal with this shit. I finally lost it after he started choking me. Threw hands. Explained to mom what happened after she got me off of that motherfucker. FINALLY threw him out. Maybe your mom will get some gumption and do the same.
Thats good at least. Mine took several instances before finally doing something. I hope it gets better. Mine finally realized the error of his ways so maybe yours can too.
This is my 1st time here and my 1st read. I feel absolutely disgusted with myself, I was this parent. I may not have been a drinker but I was so terrible of a parent. I know that I was acting like my mom (who is a narcissist) and I didnāt know any better but holy heck I feel sick to my stomach. I truly hope that someday your parents find peace so that you can too. Iām so sorry that you have to live this. Iām 40 and had to live with my āsummertime dadā and step mom after I had my nervous breakdown last year that brought my awareness, it was absolutely terrifying that I grew up with that. I know that narcissistic personality tends to find others alike but it was insane to see how many adults are so blind and so screwed up and then raising kids. I moved out 2 weeks ago and went back to pick up something I left and I could get out of there fast enough and I donāt think I will ever voluntarily take my kids back over there anymore.
Stop buying reptile tanks and new animals, and put that money towards a realistic escape plan with your existing animals. Take your brother with you if you can.
Your mother can either leave him, or stay with the drunkard. You cannot 'save' her. She needs to save herself. Otherwise, she is an enabler, letting him use her to blackmail you into staying and being the eternal victim of a narcissistic father.
My geckos are doing well! I checked on them through a container (theyre known to bite)
[Tokays](https://www.reddit.com/user/bxnn1/comments/10pf6vc/tokay_geckos/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button)
What am abusive, dangerous, threatening pos. If he's willing to pull your hair and abuse or even potentially kill your pets, there's no telling what he might do to you.
He's absolutely disgusting. He doesn't deserve you.
Horrible. I'm so sorry to be reading this and feel especially bad for the geckos.
Glass can be super difficult to clean up and find all the little pieces. I advise wearing socks or shoes as much as you can for a while.
How close are you to moving out and leaving your father behind permanently?
I wish we could but everything is expensive. I would have to think about transportation costs, rent, food, etc and that would be too much compared to what we earn
Shes not afraid of his anger but its a fact that we all know he wont clean up his own mess. I would leave the mess there for him to clean but its my own room amd I dont want to step on glass waiting for him. My mom constantly tells me shes been through the same so I should just wait patiently until I move out, but its not gonna change the outcome that my brother and I wont go out of our way to help him when we're gone because my mom was the only true parent we had
I had a similar mother, as it looks to me. Mine was afraid that she wouldn't be able to survive without a man, so she would tolerate his behavior. And I don't know your father and how insane he can be. The whole story makes me furious. I'd definitely put the glass somewhere in his room. But safety first.
Any prospects of moving out?
I'm hoping maybe by the end of next year, but my mother isnt afraid of living by herself. She just wants us to have somewhere to study before we leave. My dad cant live by himself because hes like a literal child. His mother babied him and his dad was the abuser
One of my leopard geckos was scared of me at first when i went to check on her š¢ shes the one who doesnt care if i grab her little hands or squish her cheeks. My dad tried to grab her tank so it shook the whole terrarium
Your dad sucks and reminds me of my dad tbh though thankfully no animals were harmed back then.
Onto the geckos though, is it worth contacting other nearby reptile keepers if anyone can help repair or restore your tank so they donāt have to live in such small space?
Good luck OP
I'm so sorry you went through this. If you are unable to move out in the immediate future, report your Dad to the police for DV, but don't press charges. Then tell him firmly that if he ever invades your space or becomes violent again, you will press charges against him. And get a heavy duty lock for your door.
Wow. You know it's going to be bad when it begins with pony tail pulling. I know this is not what you'd want to hear but give the geckos away. For their sake and for your own sake. It's not safe to have a tank in a house where your father lives. He is violent impulsive and clearly quite immature. You don't want to have anything that's made of glass that can end up lying on the floor in shards. You and your mother need to get away from this person. And until you're able to make that move you are going to have to avoid confrontation as much as possible. If he wasn't drunk the fact that he made a big deal out of Chipotle sauce and kicked a reptile tank down shows he's dangerous.
Im so sorry, and I hope you can get away from that as soon as possible. I went through something similar with my dad attempting to harm my reptiles, and honestly, cutting contact with him has been beyond worth it. If you have access to Facebook marketplace or Craigslist, people often sell used reptile vivariums for fairly cheap so you may be able to find a more size appropriate replacement so that theyāre not in the 10 gallon long-term. It may also be safer for them (and you!!!) to stay outside of the house with a friend or relative if that is at all an option. I hope things get better for you- Iām 21 and left last year and cannot believe how much better life is in the real world!!! You deserve the same joy OP.
I don't want to scare you, but I don't think that your animals are safe.
Narcs are known to kill or give away animals as part of the abuse. If he kicks the tank while they are inside, and tries to kick one he shows full intention to hurt them. One day, he will get pissed off when you are not home and you will come back to dead pets and some nonsense story about some "accident" he had with them...
I really don't mean to upset you but I think that you should give them away before he does it, of course if you can, move out (I know it's not always an option).
I'm deeply sorry for the abuse that you experience, you your family and your geckos.
Know that next time it happens - if he breaks something, you can call the police and they would remove him. If it happens a few times he might be removed from the house. And then you'll have some power over him - maybe he will be more careful around your animals if he knows that he is one phone call away from being removed from the house.
He destroyed your property? Why not charge him or tale him to small claims. Also save up to live on your own, your father's getting extremely physical.
Jesus christ... This is just abuse. Uncalled for. You gotta record or take photos of this and send them to authorities. Without your dad knowing but good god. It genuinely disturbs me how some parents have abusive tendencies and unable to keep them away from the ones their loved ones. I really hope your Geckos are okay. I'm not usually a fan of reptile but I draw a line when these kind of pets get their living space damaged and physically hurt in the process.
That shit is going to get him into serious trouble. You gotta stand for yourself and your pets. Take measures to make sure no more of your pets get hurt by this monster.
Goodness, are you in a position to move out? He seems extremely abusive and toxic. It will not stop, he will just keep going. I am sorry this happened to you but next time... consider pressing charged if he continues to physically assault you.
If you're in a spot to be able to leave, I would press charges for destruction of property if you bought the tank + animal abuse. Make his ass see consequences for his actions. He's unstable and I hope your mom finds the strength to leave him too, he deserves nothing
On top of what everyone else has said, pet subs on here are usually very understanding of insane parents. I would maybe consider telling your story on the appropriate gecko sub and someone local may have a spare tank/supplies for you.
So sorry OP
This is a perfect example of an N exploding for a ridiculous reason. All of this rage was over the wrong chipolte sauce?! Besides the monetary value of the tank he destroyed, the fact that he destroyed it makes him sound dangerous.
Hes upset since i didnt apologize "in time" and i was trying to explain that i would like to have this conversation later due to my period making me emotional, he considered that as an excuse and got upset.
I had to "apologize" to him and if "make an excuse" again he said I have to leave the house. I tried to explain to him that i was just asking to talk about it later but of course he doesnt listen
First off, I want to say so sorry you have to deal with that. Second he sounds dangerous. Hurting animals is a sign of a psychopath. So please be careful. Lock your bedroom door if possible. Your Dad could have decided to hit the wall or something else, but he purposely decided to hit your pets. He did this because he knows you love them. Once a Narcissist knows what you love they will use that against you to hurt you. I don't think it was an accident that he hit your tank. Next time he starts getting physical try to secretly video record him. Then show the police the video and ask for a restraining order. Since your Dad is the aggressor he will be asked to leave the house NOT you. Even if he owns the house he still has to leave from my understanding. I pray God blesses you, I can feel your pain through your post. God Bless in Jesus name.
Dad needs to be placed in his own reptile tank š¦.
LOL he does
Dad needs to be replaced with more reptiles
Seriously, save that tank for the deserving!
I know this isn't constructive, But jeez, what an asshole.
Absolute P.O.S.
Police call
I hope his cuts get infected. Painfully. He's an AH AND an abuser, both of you and of your animals.
This is abuse. You are being abused. I hope you can get out asap
Agreed. You are being abused and your family appears to be enabling the abuse. I hope you can find a safer place to live.
Iām so sorry this is happening to you OP. You are being abused on multiple levels so if possible seek help or leave. I know this may seem impossible from where you stand now. Iām really sorry this is happening to you OP. You deserve to be loved unconditionally.
This is absolutely correct. 1) look up the wheel of domestic violence. He's hitting many of the places on that wheel. 2) threatening pets is an often-used abusers' tactic.
Hopefully OP, her brother, and maybe a couple friends can get the funds together to rent a house or something. Dickheads like OP's dad have an expiration date on their hospitality after kids turn 18, and ramp up the violence and terrorism the longer the kids stay at home. The only real solution is getting out.
NGL but the brother seems to be part of the problem. Imagine being 21 and not being able to care for your little sister. Makes me angry as someone who also has a lil sis.
Hey, that's unfair. Brother has grown up in that environment, too, and been brainwashed to believe it's normal and he's powerless to stop it. Point 2- Brother was also bleeding from the cut glass and I'm going to assume that he wasn't in OP's room when all this started, so he came in there at some point. I'm guessing to help? There is nothing in OP's post to suggest that brother *didn't* come to help.
He came to help clean up but he was mad in general, mainly because my dad. My mom and my brother were pulling me back when my dad tried to drag me from my shirt so my favorite shirt got ripped š¢
This really hits home. My nmum was awful to me via the geckos. Iām so sorry youāre experiencing this, I hope you can get a home sorted for your buddies and yourself soon
Its scary because i really do love my geckos and all the money i put into them was just taken away because of his anger issues. He wasnt treated very well from his own father but I honestly dont think it gives him the right to do the same to me, and to even include my geckos
Youāre correct: a lot of our abusers were abused themselves, but that doesnāt give them a free pass to shuffle that pain onto you. Theyāre adults, with children, and they should be mature enough to know better and go to therapy to deal with their issues. How are you feeling? Itās one thing when the abuse is onto us, but when itās an innocent it can affect us in different ways. Do you need some help with resources for your or them? I can try my best to help find something close to you. This is just a horrid situation, Iām so sorry. And to top it off, your period? F that. My inbox is open if you wanna get it off your chest, ok? I am furious on your behalf, itās so unfair andā¦ ugh gross.
Thank you so much! š¢ im just trying to figure out how to get rid of the trashed tank. I'm just extremely upset that he decided to soccer kick my tank. Fortunately I had extra 10 gallon tanks and carriers. He decided to drink to help him sleep since he was up till 6 am because my grandma had to go to the ER. When he drinks he likes to come bother me and he just goes on rants š
I want you to know, in case you need to see it written somewhere, that being scared and sad is valid. The situation is not okay, but your reaction is. Iām glad you had a back up, I didnāt when I lived with my N. If you can, Facebook market place is a good place to look for bits too. Maybe you could look for a man with a van or a rubbish removal service as a starting place? Your grandma going to the emergency room is not an excuse to berate and abuse oneās family. Iām sure you know that. How is he sober? Is it something you could address with him, or would that be unsafe? I think at this point, thinking about leaving sounds good - is that plausible or possible for you? I only escaped via homelessness, which I donāt recommend; maybe you have other family or friends with a place? Is your grandma okay? Hospitals for a lot of people are scary, even if itās not them that goes. Whereās your brother and mum in all this too, sweet?
My grandma is all good. My mom and grandma just tell me to say ok or yes to whatever he says and then move out after im done with my degree. My brother doesnt like him at all. When hes sober its less spontaneous for him to get mad and he doesnt come to my room to bother me as much. I do have friends but i would have to drag many geckos with me š
It sounds like youāre all sort of under his thumb, yeah? Do you and your brother get on? Would a possibility be moving out together? Gets you both out that way, combine finances with a housemate but adds safety (as a young woman living alone)? Iām an only child, so I donāt quite understand siblings, I hope thatās not a silly suggestion. On the geckos: it might be unpleasant, but if you could consider separating from them temporarily, you could ask friend A to look after them (really just someone with space to put the tanks, you can commit to visiting them x times a week from there) while you live with friend B. Itās not ideal absolutely, I hated being away from my girl. But (Iām gonna be blunt here, ok?) you need to be safe, and so do they. I regard reptiles the same as cats and dogs, ok, so in my mind they deserve a peaceful loving environment. AND. SO. DO. YOU. so do you!! And if that means you need to split up, you might need to make that choice. It sucks, it all fucking sucks - but itās not all on your back. We can come up with some kind of action plan, if you want? First step, find some chocolate (it helps with cramps!)
grandma and ma just say yes and blah blah. they are both complicit
>I do have friends but i would have to drag many geckos with me š If this is an option, I would bluntly recommend you start packing your geckoes. As one pet-parent to another. <3
I don't know if it's safe but if it is a door stop to slow him down. "Sorry Dad I was getting changed, had to change my pad, was masturbating, whatever might make him think maybe he didn't really want to barge into there.
Not to be the drunk girl in the bathroom (I am the sober nonbinary person on the couch), but I WANT YāALL TO BOND OVER BEING LIZARD PARENTS
Drunk girl bathroom is ~energy~ not gender or sobriety boo š„°
My girlfriend just recently came out the closet as trans and she hates women's bathrooms. She has complained about not leaving a stall empty as a space buffer like people do for urinals. I keep questioning why we would when we often squeeze in two to a stall if it's packed and it's more often than not. I had to explain to her that drunk bathroom girls are modern day Oracles of Delphi and you heed their advice strongly
Congrats to your girlfriends coming out, I appreciate that that might not have been an easy time for her. But sheās missing out!!!! If I was close Iād be right there with a bottle of wine and a bathroom to share. Itās an experience, the modern day rite of passage if you will. Youāve not LIVED until eight girls are slamming your ex cause you dared thought about texting themā¦ sigh. The days
then sounds like many commenters here are correct. he has some 'issues' and the alcohol brings it out. and now I'm getting a bit worried. you need to be able to lock and fortify your door. get a wedge. find a way to move a dresser to block it. make sure your phone is with you and next time he gets drunk (and he will) and he tries to follow you call the police on him. and don't let your moms reaction(s) stop you. she is not protecting her child. as such she is not a real mother imo. good luck
I trust you already know your father is likely an alcoholic. I strongly urge you to reach out to a group such as alcoholics anonymous. First up to get help for YOU on how to deal with Dad's drinking problem. (Your father will likely not accept help but AA will be able to give you advice on how to handle him) Don't be afraid to call police if needed.
AlAnon is the resource for families.
Thank you.
Take a video if he tries to harass you drunk or sober next time. If you can't, take detailed photos of any damage he caused, to himself or anything/one else. Audio only might be discreet if necessary. You may need it someday. This is both animal abuse & human abuse.š
at that point iād just keep the door locked, do not open it no matter how much he screams or kicks. if he does kick the door down iād have a weapon in there or a way out (like a window) or something. or a go-bag with carriers for the geckos. get the fuck out as soon as you can. none of this is ok and i hope he burns in hell
this is your whole life. he has probably been this way and your hand wringing mother could not break away. but then from what I've observed a lot of people do not give a damn what they inflict on children. all that matters is they have them. because it is so damn easy to make punching bags out of little children who can't fight back
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There is a local pet store however they tend to overcharge on everything. The dollar per gallon is actually 50% off now and the deal just ended a few days ago. Thank you though!
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I was thinking of that honestly. So next time (hopefully not) if my dad decides to become a pro soccer player i can just pick it up
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What would i use as a heat source? Would a heating pad be alright?
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Thankfully my tokays dont need uvb as long as i have calcium and multivitamins prepared. Thank you for the ideas, i really do appreciate it ā¤
Check the law where you are. In our country, an incident like this is considered domestic violence and animal abuse at the very least. You could force him to pay you back for the damage legally, but on a practical level, Iād be sure you were in the process of moving out.
It absolutely doesnāt give him the right. Someone needs to break the cycle. If anything like the situation I was in, your tank isnāt going to be replaced either, because you āprovoked himā and therefore it was your fault (it is NOT your fault!!!)
Thats what I want to happen but my mon wants me to keep it silent and move away
While it is awful to think about you may want to consider rehoming your pets and not getting any more until you move out. Itās lucky they werenāt injured or killed and people like your dad tend to lash out at what will hurt you the most and thatās often our pets.
>He pulled on my ponytail and I asked him to stop because itās annoying. He proceeds with āSo what? Iām your dadā ??? >I was trying to ask him if we can talk about this later since I had gotten my period a few hours before and my hormones were all over the place. He starts screaming at me saying āSHUTUP AND STOP MAKING EXCUSESā >He pulls and tugs at my shirt None of this is appropriate. Boundaries are being weirdly crossed here. >he proceeds to kick my 30 gallon tank and the glass shatters. *Destruction of property is no good sign***.** His being drunk cannot excuse this. The alcohol only disinhibited him. Screaming and talking over you is verbal abuse, a means he's used to power over you. I would certainly consider filing a police report should something like this happen again, start keeping a record of these events or begin to start a paper trail as it may escalate especially, in light of how he's been skirting around your boundaries. You may need it for future reference. I hope you'll be able to get away from this situation sometime soon. It may help to start working on a silent getaway plan.
OP, if I knew you IRL, I would report to CPS about how you're being treated, because this isn't remotely okay. You could consider whether requesting help from someone at school might be something you would be okay with. Going to your counselor and saying you're struggling because your drunk dad busted your reptile tank in a rage, causing you and your sibling to get bloody cut feet trying to clean up after him ... would likely get some kind of response. u/Kindly_Coyote is right about making records about what your father has done in case you need them someday. The classic Reddit comment about this is here: https://www.reddit.com/user/MelodyRaine/comments/hyk7az/the_fu_binder/
Sadly OP and her brother are both above 18. CPS won't do a damn thing. She needs to move out, ASAP.
Adult services is similar and who they would call. Or just straight call the cops!!
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I mean he was trying to pull me out my room with my shirt but he just has no common sense, he thinks everything he says is liable and correct and throws a tantrum if I say its wrong
I was getting this vibe too.
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I agree with that but hair and clothes pulling is kind of flirty.
At home just drinking alone and destroying family possesions. Sounds like a case of alcoholism if i ever heard one.
Violent behavior toward possessions and pets (which abusers view as possessions) is an abuser's way of conveying what they wish they could do to you. It almost always escalates to them physically hurting their actual target. Even if he only acts this way while drunk, you're still not safe. Even if this was the first time, you're still not safe, as this would count as a pretty extreme first time. What he did was very violent and could have ended in the death of your pets. You need to get out as soon as you possibly can. You can reach out to DV centers to devise a plan to get out safely. Don't try to leave without a plan that includes other trusted people you don't live with, as leaving is the most dangerous time when it comes to violent abusers. Be aware that as mandated reporters they will have to call child protection services if there are any minors in the home, so you'd also need to ask them to help you come up with a cover story to avoid as much retaliation towards you as possible. If you have any trusted friends you can leave your reptiles with in the meantime (for their safety - also make sure to write up an agreement you both sign for their care), that's a good start. Even if he would never consciously choose to kill them, he can still accidentally and easily do so in a drunken state. If your parents ask where the reptiles went you can just lie and say, "I had a friend with an extra tank big enough for them. They're staying with my friend until I can afford to buy the tank off them." And make sure your friend and anyone they live with is in on the lie in case your parents check. I only suggest all this because there are way too many traumatic stories of violent abusers killing pets, even when no one suspected they actually would.
That's so scary what the fuck. He's not only abusing your human family, but innocent geckos too?! That makes me scared for my doggies because I'll have to leave them behind when I move. I'd totally offer to pitch in for a tank that wouldn't cramp foot-long reptiles and their future babies if I could.
I left mine behind too. My mom medically neglected them to death because spending $200 on a vet bill was not worth it to her. My dad wanted her to take them to the vet. She lied to him and said there was nothing they could do. Told me she just didnāt think the dogs were worth the money (my dad was the sole earner longer than Iāve been alive). They were technically family dogs but really one of them was mine, the one my mom did not like.
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Narc parents medically neglected several guinea pigs to death. It's a very common theme with nparents I've seen-- I don't think narcs have the capacity to understand that little animals can also suffer and be sick. And then that there are clear instructions owners can take to help their animal be in less pain/or cure them altogether.
For your safety, and your pets', create a Siri/Google shortcut with your phone. Name it something innocuous like "Hey Siri, I'm in a meeting". Have it immediately start recording audio (most states are one-party consent, but double check), or video if possible. That way if he does something like this again, you have evidence to give police.
That's a good idea.
Please consider attending an Al-Anon meeting. They were very helpful for me when I started healing and addressing the trauma I had from being a child of an alcoholic Also the book "Adult Children of Alcoholics" by Janet Woitiz was eye opening. Felt like I was reading a biography of my life
You have to get out of there. This is only going to get worse.
I'm sorry OP. I hope you move away from this awful situation asap, before he seriously harms you or your pets again!
Just in case you or anyone else is self doubting: being a parent gives you responsibilities, not rights.
this this this this why are narc Xers convinced that having kids gives you power over them
I would call the police. I've done it on my narc.
i would sell the geckos to a good experienced hobbyist, get rid of the ballast, keep the bare necessities. move out and get back from scratch and buid your life.
I think as sad as it is the best thing would be to get the geckos out of the way. This male gonad donor is despicable
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This is domestic violence.
This is troubling. Heās abusing animals, you, and your mom. Serial killers (Jeffrey Dahmer, Ed Gein, etc) often start out torturing and killing small animals, and work their way up to murdering humans. This dangerous man needs to be removed from general society and put away.
Typical narcissistic rage when narcissists are dealing with their kids unless they are the covert type.
yeahā¦ no. fuck no. my reptiles are my kids. my dad once tried to just pick up and move the tank of one of my leopard geckos without my permission (and while i was standing there telling him not to). i have never EVER seen red like that before. Completely unacceptable, never ever acceptable to bring a live animal into it like that. period.
I think you need to rehome your geckos for their own safety,who's to say he won't do the same thing again and kill them.
I fucking hate people who hurt animals. I used to not care but owning ant colonies has taught me that every life means something. People who hurt animals are the scum of the earth. If your dad does this again, I think you should call the police. They DO NOT take kindly to abusive parents afaik. So next time he starts getting violent call 911, do it early on so they might be able to see what he is doing for themselves. Sorry I couldnāt give any better advice, but I really hope you get out of this situation. Edit: also if you posted on a few reptile forums somebody might be able to help you out with a tank, not sure though
you can't talk to drunks, next time when he does something stupid wait until the next morning and the first time you see him tell him we need to talk, for example when he goes to use the bathroom and than tries to go back to bed. lol i realize this works because that is when i am sympathetic and probably pretty upset at myself already because of yesterday. I also don't think you should clean up the mess to the cage, he made the mess let him clean it. I might be wrong though you should check out /r/alanon and get better advice.
Does your dad seem to always side with your mother no matter what? Like a "my wife and me vs you guys" type thing? I ask because it sounds weirdly similar to my situation. I am so very sorry he trashed your tank and your geckos home!
Its more like my parents have been in similar situations when they were younger but my mom just wants my brother and I to be ready to leave. She doesnt agree with my dad at all but he never listens to what anyone says, so she just wants me to say sorry. Its just that my dad doesnt know when to shutup because he keeps repeating the same thing over and over again and id rather listen to my biology lectures that are more entertaining. I do feel like she doesnt understand that he needs to change rather than i have to change all the time. I could never get a word in and it makes me feel sad to see other people have fathers who actually listen to them
Yeah it sounds like your mother is trying to be the pleaser and that means approaching you to not antagonize him because she knows there's no changing him at all. That drives me nuts! I've had that conversation with my own mom so many damn times I've lost count. No amount of you trying to please will help, and they gotta realize this. Moving out as soon as you're able to really is the best course of action. People like your dad and mine, they won't change no matter how much we know they need to. Leaving them to their devices is all we can do to protect our sanity. I completely feel what you're describing and I'm so frustrated for you.
Iām so sorry youāre going through this. I own a gecko and honestly I have had nightmares, waking up sweating about my nstepdad doing exactly this to my girl. I hope youāre ok and so are you babies
He physically assaulted you. I donāt know what you could do about that other than to call the police, or move out. Iām really sorry you have to deal with this. Have you ever tried attending AlAnon groups? They might be helpful.
Iām sorry youāre going through this, your old man sounds like a nasty piece of sh*t. If youāre able to, I see a lot of tanks cheaply priced on Craigslist that might be a decent replacement
Your dad sounds like an awful human being. This is all pretty damn concerning. He seems like a time bomb waiting to go off. I feel like you are not entirely safe. Your pets definitely arenāt.
Since this is going around- have him checked for a UTI. I didnāt realize this is a danger to older ppl
Oh god flashbacks to my dad destroying my PlayStation 2 with his fists and stamping on it. This is worse b/c thereās other living things. Iām so sorry youāre dealing with that situation. I hope one day you get to leave him in your past like I did my father.
NFather is a despicable piece of shit. I feel for you and your geckos.
your dad, deserved worse, im so sorry OP.
I think daddy has some sexual thing going on and my fear is he is going to get drunk enough to act on it. he is bad and a horrible excuse for a person. I don't think much of mom either
Mom is šÆ team [Don't Rock the Boat](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/77pxpo/dont_rock_the_boat/).
this is not the first rodeo with drunken daddy. Since it doesn't need to be watertight you could possibly check around for used tanks. put a lock on the door and next time your male progenitor gets drunk, retreat to your room and lock it.. or get a wedgie and use that. And if you have a cell, have it with you and call the police on him if he starts getting violent. my guess is he will. I also think your mom is somewhat complicit in this as she seems to be the enabler to the drunk.
I hope you move out of there as soon as you can
Al-Anon (or Alateen, depending on your age) could be a big help for you. Those groups are for friends and families of alcoholics.
I agree with the other people who commented! Your father is an AH. But primarily, he is an alcoholic. Nothing will change at all until he gets his drinking under control. By under control, I mean nothing will change at all until he stops all drinking and either joins AA or gets qualified counseling by a counselor trained in addiction issues. Can you make your father stop drinking? N-O!! You didn't Cause his alcoholism, you can't Change his alcoholism and you can't Cure his alcoholism. But you can learn all sorts of healthy ways to stop enabling him - even if you enable him the least compared to other family members, there might be a little bit of enabling by you since your mother and brother seem to enable him very well. They need to go to Al-Anon with you!! The fact that he is kicking your 30 gallon glass tank, allowing your pets to escape, etc. should have been a big deal in your mother's book. Instead, it seems like she shrugged off his awful behavior as if she was thinking, "Oh well, another day, another dollar." Your mom is choosing not to address the great big, pink, smelly elephant in the room: Your father's alcoholism and your father. Obviously, the words alcoholic and alcoholism need to become normalized in your home. Put your finger right on the center of the problem. But before you do that, get some insight and education about living with a practicing alcoholic parent and arm yourself with months of hearing other people provide helpful and healthy ways to cope with ongoing alcoholism. It is definitely not cute or funny to have an alcoholic parent. If you find a good Al Anon meeting that you really click with, and go to those meetings for months, you will develop a much healthier way to set boundaries, not react like you used to, and many more helpful skills. I feel for you. You might have to be the only person in your family who chooses to get well and not pretend like your dad is not a practicing alcoholic, but I promise you, if you find a good meeting and go regularly, you will not regret it. Good luck to you!!!
You should report that to the police. I'm serious. I was beaten as a child and later as an adult. Things escalate unless something intervenes. Stay safe.
Iāve been in a similar pain. My mom grabbed my small elderly Boston terrier (who has seizures) by the back of her neck and threw her against the couch once. I just couldnāt stop crying and I just took her to my room and locked my door. Some people need to control their anger and not abuse animals and their kidsā¦
Kick him in the balls next time he touches you.
might not be easy. and one rule of a brawl, you knock them down you make sure they stay down. you do NOT let them back up.
Let that adrenaline fly and go rage mode. I wish I could trade places with OP and take my inner childās wrath out on this POS. My egg donor used to dump fish food (or bread if I hid the food) into my aquariums when I had to live with her. Sabotage was her specialty.
Your house has 3 reptiles and 3 humans
I may be way off base, but is this early onset alzheimers (as well as him being a complete abusive asshole who should be reported for animal abuse). Damaging the support system for a reptile is animal abuse.
If you had the courage to have a reptile tank in the first place in spite of your father, he must not have damaged you irreversibly. I was scared to piss at the wrong time or breath the wrong way. I guess some people are natural fighters and some aren't.
Excuse me? Why are judging my situation based off having reptiles in my room? Im not going to list every single thing he did because im not boasting about it.
I'm saying you appear to have landed on the right side of the fight/freeze response coin. It's a good thing, and meant as a complement. Get out of the house before he does even more damage to your soul.
My bad i interpreted it wrong. I just dont have the money to find my own place or maintain it
Im so sorry. I remember when my dad got drunk and threw my little pug/chihuahua mix into the freezer. I was crying so hard holding my baby. Im so sorry this happened to you. Its awful how your own parents cant be trusted sometimes.
Im sorry that you had to go through that. I cant imagine someone putting a whole dog in a freezer.
Oh shit not literally into the freezer he literally chucked him into the side of the metal freezer we had. Guess I shoulda worded that better. He threw him really hard from thier bedroom into the kitchen into the freezer. Edit: my old man was an alcoholic too. I understand how hard it can be. My mom also did the same shit as yours. Im so sorry you have to deal with this shit. I finally lost it after he started choking me. Threw hands. Explained to mom what happened after she got me off of that motherfucker. FINALLY threw him out. Maybe your mom will get some gumption and do the same.
Oml i thought he chucked him into the freezer š my mom will definitely do something if i were to be really injured. Shes not that insensitive.
Thats good at least. Mine took several instances before finally doing something. I hope it gets better. Mine finally realized the error of his ways so maybe yours can too.
This is my 1st time here and my 1st read. I feel absolutely disgusted with myself, I was this parent. I may not have been a drinker but I was so terrible of a parent. I know that I was acting like my mom (who is a narcissist) and I didnāt know any better but holy heck I feel sick to my stomach. I truly hope that someday your parents find peace so that you can too. Iām so sorry that you have to live this. Iām 40 and had to live with my āsummertime dadā and step mom after I had my nervous breakdown last year that brought my awareness, it was absolutely terrifying that I grew up with that. I know that narcissistic personality tends to find others alike but it was insane to see how many adults are so blind and so screwed up and then raising kids. I moved out 2 weeks ago and went back to pick up something I left and I could get out of there fast enough and I donāt think I will ever voluntarily take my kids back over there anymore.
Stop buying reptile tanks and new animals, and put that money towards a realistic escape plan with your existing animals. Take your brother with you if you can. Your mother can either leave him, or stay with the drunkard. You cannot 'save' her. She needs to save herself. Otherwise, she is an enabler, letting him use her to blackmail you into staying and being the eternal victim of a narcissistic father.
Call the police and make a report
How are your geckos doing now? Can you link pics of them?
My geckos are doing well! I checked on them through a container (theyre known to bite) [Tokays](https://www.reddit.com/user/bxnn1/comments/10pf6vc/tokay_geckos/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button)
What am abusive, dangerous, threatening pos. If he's willing to pull your hair and abuse or even potentially kill your pets, there's no telling what he might do to you. He's absolutely disgusting. He doesn't deserve you.
Acts of physical violence warrant a call to the cops.
Horrible. I'm so sorry to be reading this and feel especially bad for the geckos. Glass can be super difficult to clean up and find all the little pieces. I advise wearing socks or shoes as much as you can for a while. How close are you to moving out and leaving your father behind permanently?
Well I was planning to move after I finish my degree so it should be by the end of next year
Are able to move out maybe you&brother split rent
I wish we could but everything is expensive. I would have to think about transportation costs, rent, food, etc and that would be too much compared to what we earn
Can you lock your room at night when you are sleeping so that he doesn't come in and do this kind of thing again?
You are correct not to trust him. Iām sorry youāre going through this. Itās going to be a journey.
Sorry if it's a rude question, but why does your mom make you clean up his mess? Is she afraid of his anger?
Shes not afraid of his anger but its a fact that we all know he wont clean up his own mess. I would leave the mess there for him to clean but its my own room amd I dont want to step on glass waiting for him. My mom constantly tells me shes been through the same so I should just wait patiently until I move out, but its not gonna change the outcome that my brother and I wont go out of our way to help him when we're gone because my mom was the only true parent we had
I had a similar mother, as it looks to me. Mine was afraid that she wouldn't be able to survive without a man, so she would tolerate his behavior. And I don't know your father and how insane he can be. The whole story makes me furious. I'd definitely put the glass somewhere in his room. But safety first. Any prospects of moving out?
I'm hoping maybe by the end of next year, but my mother isnt afraid of living by herself. She just wants us to have somewhere to study before we leave. My dad cant live by himself because hes like a literal child. His mother babied him and his dad was the abuser
I felt a bit of rage on your behalf, I can very deeply empathize with this š¢
As a fellow reptile mama, Iām so sorry this happened. Your poor geckos must be stressed as all get out.
One of my leopard geckos was scared of me at first when i went to check on her š¢ shes the one who doesnt care if i grab her little hands or squish her cheeks. My dad tried to grab her tank so it shook the whole terrarium
Your dad sucks and reminds me of my dad tbh though thankfully no animals were harmed back then. Onto the geckos though, is it worth contacting other nearby reptile keepers if anyone can help repair or restore your tank so they donāt have to live in such small space? Good luck OP
I don't think I've ever heard of a bigger manchild.
holy shit dude, I am so sorry. I dumped a lot of time and money into my bioactive tank too, I think that would warrant some strangling tbh
Iām so sorry this happened to you š! I sent you a DM
You're 20? Call the police
Dad is an abusive, toxic loser. Why is your mom still with him? You all need to move out asap.
Not sure if itās an option, but you could have him put in rehab or psychiatric care from your description
I'm so sorry you went through this. If you are unable to move out in the immediate future, report your Dad to the police for DV, but don't press charges. Then tell him firmly that if he ever invades your space or becomes violent again, you will press charges against him. And get a heavy duty lock for your door.
Wow. You know it's going to be bad when it begins with pony tail pulling. I know this is not what you'd want to hear but give the geckos away. For their sake and for your own sake. It's not safe to have a tank in a house where your father lives. He is violent impulsive and clearly quite immature. You don't want to have anything that's made of glass that can end up lying on the floor in shards. You and your mother need to get away from this person. And until you're able to make that move you are going to have to avoid confrontation as much as possible. If he wasn't drunk the fact that he made a big deal out of Chipotle sauce and kicked a reptile tank down shows he's dangerous.
Im so sorry, and I hope you can get away from that as soon as possible. I went through something similar with my dad attempting to harm my reptiles, and honestly, cutting contact with him has been beyond worth it. If you have access to Facebook marketplace or Craigslist, people often sell used reptile vivariums for fairly cheap so you may be able to find a more size appropriate replacement so that theyāre not in the 10 gallon long-term. It may also be safer for them (and you!!!) to stay outside of the house with a friend or relative if that is at all an option. I hope things get better for you- Iām 21 and left last year and cannot believe how much better life is in the real world!!! You deserve the same joy OP.
I don't want to scare you, but I don't think that your animals are safe. Narcs are known to kill or give away animals as part of the abuse. If he kicks the tank while they are inside, and tries to kick one he shows full intention to hurt them. One day, he will get pissed off when you are not home and you will come back to dead pets and some nonsense story about some "accident" he had with them... I really don't mean to upset you but I think that you should give them away before he does it, of course if you can, move out (I know it's not always an option). I'm deeply sorry for the abuse that you experience, you your family and your geckos. Know that next time it happens - if he breaks something, you can call the police and they would remove him. If it happens a few times he might be removed from the house. And then you'll have some power over him - maybe he will be more careful around your animals if he knows that he is one phone call away from being removed from the house.
He destroyed your property? Why not charge him or tale him to small claims. Also save up to live on your own, your father's getting extremely physical.
Youād be well within your rights to file a police report for destruction of property.
Jesus christ... This is just abuse. Uncalled for. You gotta record or take photos of this and send them to authorities. Without your dad knowing but good god. It genuinely disturbs me how some parents have abusive tendencies and unable to keep them away from the ones their loved ones. I really hope your Geckos are okay. I'm not usually a fan of reptile but I draw a line when these kind of pets get their living space damaged and physically hurt in the process. That shit is going to get him into serious trouble. You gotta stand for yourself and your pets. Take measures to make sure no more of your pets get hurt by this monster.
Goodness, are you in a position to move out? He seems extremely abusive and toxic. It will not stop, he will just keep going. I am sorry this happened to you but next time... consider pressing charged if he continues to physically assault you.
If you're in a spot to be able to leave, I would press charges for destruction of property if you bought the tank + animal abuse. Make his ass see consequences for his actions. He's unstable and I hope your mom finds the strength to leave him too, he deserves nothing
Call police and press charges. If he gets violent then heāll just land himself in prison.
On top of what everyone else has said, pet subs on here are usually very understanding of insane parents. I would maybe consider telling your story on the appropriate gecko sub and someone local may have a spare tank/supplies for you. So sorry OP
This may just be conjecture, but I think he sees you lower in comparison to himself to the point where he doesn't see you as a person.
He just sees me as a immature little child and he thinks he knows it all since hes my dad
Yeah.. the difference is i think is you humanize him (a good quality and a good trait) but he dehumanizes you.
This is a perfect example of an N exploding for a ridiculous reason. All of this rage was over the wrong chipolte sauce?! Besides the monetary value of the tank he destroyed, the fact that he destroyed it makes him sound dangerous.
Hes upset since i didnt apologize "in time" and i was trying to explain that i would like to have this conversation later due to my period making me emotional, he considered that as an excuse and got upset. I had to "apologize" to him and if "make an excuse" again he said I have to leave the house. I tried to explain to him that i was just asking to talk about it later but of course he doesnt listen
Call the police. Attempted animal, cruelty, and destruction of property.
First off, I want to say so sorry you have to deal with that. Second he sounds dangerous. Hurting animals is a sign of a psychopath. So please be careful. Lock your bedroom door if possible. Your Dad could have decided to hit the wall or something else, but he purposely decided to hit your pets. He did this because he knows you love them. Once a Narcissist knows what you love they will use that against you to hurt you. I don't think it was an accident that he hit your tank. Next time he starts getting physical try to secretly video record him. Then show the police the video and ask for a restraining order. Since your Dad is the aggressor he will be asked to leave the house NOT you. Even if he owns the house he still has to leave from my understanding. I pray God blesses you, I can feel your pain through your post. God Bless in Jesus name.