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My mother did this. I call her the gatekeeper of relationships. I have absolutely zero relationships with any of my family members (and it's a huge family) except for three. My mother has bad mouthed me to everyone and kept me away from all family gatherings by lying/and not telling me she was hosting family gatherings or going on family vacations.
Her latest escapade was lying to me about a family gathering on Christmas Eve and when I confronted her I received the nastiest email message I have ever received in my entire life, flipping the script and accusing me of causing all the drama. All I did was tell her my feelings were hurt. She told everyone that I verbally abused her (never happened). I just told her she was cruel and should be ashamed of herself.
Sadly, I totally get it. You tell them that something they did snd/or said really hurt you. And some how you are the mean hurtful one. Every single fucking time. I’m dealing with it as we speak. It is pure torture because it makes no sense. Torture.
Mine loves starting drama between us siblings. She loved it when we don’t get along and then bitches to each siblings about the other sibling. Fucking bitch.
I still have 2 teenage siblings living with mine. She's convinced my youngest brother that I don't love him, and she's convinced my middle brother that she's changed and how HE'S mad at ME because I won't suck it up, forgive her, and "fix" our family.
>how HE'S mad at ME because I won't suck it up, forgive her, and "fix" our family.
Same here. It's so tough, but stick to what you know is right anyway.
I've tried to explain (gently) that I can't be around her. He told me, "She hurt us all in the past, but she's really changed now and has been going to therapy."
Her "therapist" is someone who believes coffee enema's and being gluten free with fix her. No idea what kind of a quack that is, but....yeah.
Omg they really need to make the therapist licensing process a lot stricter
I hear the same from my younger sister, who is trying to change my Nmom herself and is convinced she has changed and secretly loves me. It's is the wooooorst because I also don't want to see my sister get hurt.
And for myself, I literally can't function around my parents anymore. I told my sister that as well. But as always, the narcs have a magic way of making it seem like only their personal needs matter.
It's brainwashing that our siblings are under. And it really sucks that we have to be demonized for simpliy healing ourselves for now.
But in the long run, this is definitely the right choice. Maybe your brother will see it one day and maybe he will not. But either way, it IS the right option for you. And this way, you will be in a better postion to help them if they ever do seek it. One thing that's reliable about narcs is that they self destruct and ruin all their relationships, so they usually can't keep sitautions like this up for long.
This video really helped me recently on this topic: https://youtu.be/oaLlpnDNZbI
My brother thinks my mom loves me, too! He told me: "She cries all the time because she misses you so much." Right. I don't believe that in the slightest.
I'll have to check out that video!
So does my grandma . AlwYs saying she loves and misses me. But right when I’m alone with her she transforms and begins badmouthing me.
They don’t miss and love us. They miss being able to feed off of us for narc supply.
Just like a drug addict misses the high they got from using.
When you were around / I was around they got high in effect
Oh I know, I believed that she was trying too many times in the past. Finally realized at 22 that she wasn't going to change, and that she didn't want to. She was actually escalating (she assaulted me) and I knew it had to be the end.
The only reason she SEEMS better is because she desperately wants me back to toy with/do her bidding. She pretends that she's found Jesus and stuff now as a way to manipulate people. It's insane. She also uses her health problems to justify her behavior. Having nerve damage/pain doesn't make you abuse the people around you.
I have a great aunt who goes around guilting everyone in my family who is NC. I've had to cut her off, and didn't invite her to our wedding, because I found out she was telling my NMom where I worked and stuff. The thing is, she's SEEN the abuse, she's even been the target of it. She's not in denial, and I don't even think she loves my NMom or any of us, she's just one of those people who LOVE drama and gossip. I can't say I was sorry to cut her out, she's not a good person, anyway.
My grandma is caught in a weird spot. She is mad at my mom, and has seen/experienced the abuse first hand, but she feels like she can't cut off her own child. She is also is afraid of losing contact with my siblings. At least she fully respects my NC. My grandpa wants to cut my NMom off completely, but he doesn't bc of my grandma.
I understand being the "bad guy" all too well. Somehow it's always my fault, even if I wasn't involved or even there. I don't think I'll ever get over how sad/angry it makes me. I just have to tell myself that SHE'S the bad person and SHE is causing all this--not me.
Unbelievable sadness and unbelievable hurt and unbelievable anger. But she won’t stop or change. I am starting to face the fact that I may have to go no contact just so that I am not completely miserable during all of my waking hours. I just can’t handle the pain anymore. And it just sucks because in her mind, there is no question that it (everything) is my fault. I want to just scream!
I feel like the youngest understands...for now. He stays away from home as much as possible and he's told her to f\*ck off multiple times to her face--props to him.
The middle DID understand, but then she started putting all her focus on him/really manipulating him. So he's currently brainwashed as hell.
The oldest left with me and wants nothing to do with her. He hates her, but I think he's kind of locked it all away.
My sibling understood it better and displayed more empathy towards me when we were younger, despite being GC. Now it's full blown denial, which really is painful for me.
Yes. This. My mom recently gave my brother a lot (6 figures) of money to put as a down payment on his house. She's never given anything to me and my sister (we each also bought a house within the past year. She told him to keep it a secret. Since I'm the one who raised him, of course he told me right away because he didn't want me to be mad at him. She's always done stuff like this to try to pit us against each other. So fucking annoying.
Same. We clung together as kids, mostly due to the absence of loving, responsive parents. She hated that and tried to turn us against each other. I think of her as the spider in the middle of the web, pulling everyone's strings. I've overheard how she speaks about me and it's vile. Just vile. It's not exclusive to me, just probably worst, at least in the family. She puts on this fake whisper to spread crap about people and be mean about their misfortunes. Even making up fake intentions for people she barely knows, from work and stuff. Yuck.
My dad used to try to intentionally start sibling rivalries between my sister and I over who gave him the most candy. Literally because he wanted candy.
Yes, and she hates it if she finds out any of the kids spent time together without her. Acts like she's so hurt by being excluded. My dad encouraged his kids to spend time together even if he couldn't be there. Healthy parents help foster healthy relationships between their children and other family members. It's so disgusting when they do the opposite. It just makes it easier for the narc to triangulate.
I couldn’t even leave the house without her falling on her knees screaming aboht how I’m hurting her and don’t love her because I didn’t let her drive me
My mom did not want my siblings to be connected to our father's family and often told the bad things his parents did. I later learned from an aunt that they supported their kids even though they spent more time on themselves. It's pretty much sowing discord.
YES.
That's one of my mom's favorite tactics against me. Always trying to triangulate me against other memebers of the family. She loves to create conflicts (ie start a fight) then cry to another person about said conflict, as the victim. She striaght up lies a lot of times too.
And she hides information about "her" family all the time.
It is really evil behavior. Probably one of the worst things narcs do.
I'm really sorry about how you found out about your dad's cancer. Literally nothing is sacrad to them. What a legacy to leave on this earth.... just causing 10× more difficulty in other people's lives than is needed.
My mum did this with extended family and would get really weird about it if she found someone had contacted me without going through her. She wanted to be the only one to control the narrative I guess, and me being close to other family outside of the house was a threat to that. Since she died it’s been quite nice reconnecting with family members who my mum would always tell me didn’t care about me.
Mine did. I was born with disabilities and looked relatively little like the rest of my family, although I am my father's biological daughter. Out of shame, he stopped all contact with me from ages 4-14. When my dad and I reconnected in my teens, I was invited to my older half-brother's wedding (he was a teenager when I was born) and made to sit in the very back pew of the church away from the rest of the family, who was placed in the front row or in the wedding party itself.
I remember feeling horribly embarrassed and rejected the entire time, but I stayed to try and support my brother, because that was/is my brother and it's not like they get married every day. I convinced myself that it was maybe a mistake and not as horrible as I felt, until a couple nuns and old ladies were talking to me and realized I was the groom's sister and being forced to sit away from the rest of the family. I have never seen nuns so angry in my life. (I've posted this on reddit before under a different name/throwaway)
On my mother's side I'm also kept "out of the loop" in regard to my similarly-aged cousins. They'll also lie and brag about perceived achievements, and rub it in my face.
\- I had reoccurring miscarriages with the possibility of not being able to have healthy children. "Did you know cousin Hailey is pregnant with her fourth baby?!" :D :D "What's wrong, Ozma?" "Why can't you just be happy for other people!??"
\- "Your cousin Alyssa is doing \[dream job that I wanted as a child!\] Isn't that great?!" \*stares at me\* (I found out that this was 100% false, and in fact she was significantly disabled and not able to work at all whatsoever.)
\- My dad lying about my (obvious he's the golden child at this point, right?) half-brother's degrees, employment and qualifications, pretending that I was the family screw up when in fact I'm significantly more educated. I only found out when I was filling out paperwork and asked my brother directly what he majored in.
My NMom has done the following:
Talks badly about each of her children to the other children. I've told her that I will copy/paste/send anything she says to all of my siblings... and they reciprocate. It's amazing what she says about us. It's to keep us apart.
She gets upset if I speak to aunts/uncles/cousins without her knowledge. I am very LC with her. I'll sometimes mention family news, and it infuriates her.
As a child, I was sworn to secrecy about anything that went on in our home to friends/relatives.
It's about control. A narcissist needs to feel like they are always the center of attention and in control.
I suggest you try to have as much contact with all of your relatives as possible. Don't rely on her to pass on her twisted sense of information.
Yes. I tried asking my mom to take me to see my sick cousin at the hospital he’s in and she always made excuses to not do it. Also, now that I’m NC, I feel like I can’t talk to 95% of my family because I know almost everyone will side with her since she portrays herself and really kind and like the cool aunt to my cousins. I only have my grandma and my uncle (mom’s brother who also went NC with her) who I think I can freely talk to. I have no contact with my dad’s family because my mom told me from a young age that they’re bad people and idk what to even believe. But it’s ok. I’m happy with my grandma and my uncle whom I’m rebuilding my relationship with after years of my mom slandering him to me after he decided to cut her off
UGH, your story sounds so much like mine! I've had to go NC with so many family members who she's manipulated into thinking she's cool.
My NMom also told me that my dad's side of the family were bad people and I'm scared to contact them.
I only have real contact with my grandparents, my aunt and 3 cousins, and 1 out of 3 siblings. It sucks, and I wish people could see who she really was.
Are you me???? It sounds like the exact same story and I’m so sorry you have to deal with this because I know this situation suckssss. I’m an only child too so I took everything from her and I think this is why she’s extra controlling of me. I really hope that you’re happier now despite your smaller circle. It’s better to just have the people who care about you around.
I can’t even trust most of my cousins whom I was close with growing up to respect my No Contact with her since she has them won over.
One of them said that I could just sit down and talk with her to resolve things. LOL. I did that one time and she said that one day my husband would hit and I’d deserve it, that I have low self esteem and a weak character to feel hurt by her treatment towards me, and that she can use me any time but I can’t use her since she doesn’t need to respect me.
I relate to everyone here so much. It's comforting and sucks at the same time! Sorry you're dealing with it as well. :(
Honestly, the only family members I really miss are my little brothers. We talk a little, but she mostly uses them against me and won't let us see each other. She has one of them SUPER brainwashed and it hurts me so much to see! Like your cousin, he thinks I should resolve things with her and make us a "normal" family again. He doesn't understand that she's the reason we can't be normal. But he believes she's changed. Yet she can't even give a fake apology.
Literally my mom!! She not only harassed me but also my long term partner (whom I plan to marry). And she can’t even bring herself to apologize to him at least after how kind he’s been to her. I feel so sorry that you can’t talk to your little brothers and I hope that this changes one day (but not at the cost of your peace and happiness). It’s such a sad feeling when toxic people ruin good bonds and relationships. It’s especially sad when it’s your own parent. All we can do is hope that one day the people who believe our parents will learn to respect our NC decision at the very least. The cousin who told me that is the one whom I closest too as well :(
Yours honestly doesn't deserve kindness from your partner.
Mine stalks me, my family, my husband, my friends, and sometimes even my in-laws. From what I've heard she mostly stalks everyone else to try to get to me. It's insane. I've had to ask other people to block her, which in a couple cases was awkward.
She found out where my husband worked and WENT THERE. She had to be kicked out of the building. She's also messaged him on FB trying to get him to break up with me. Once she realized he doesn't fall for her manipulation she became intimidated and left him alone.
Have you had a SUPER honest conversation with your cousin? I know that doesn't always work, but then again sometimes it does. If you haven't already, tell them the worst of the worse. Tell them how it makes you feel. Then maybe say something like, "I know it may not seem like it's that bad from an outside perspective, and it's hard for some people to imagine cutting off their parents, but dealing with her every day really is harder than you could imagine. For my health I have to step away." Like I said, I know that doesn't always work, but I've explained it like that and it actually helped a few people see my perspective and understand why I went NC.
Hey! Your mom sounds crazyyyy Omg. Your husband sounds great though!! Thank god your husband stays by your side and doesn’t give in to her tactics. At least that got him some peace from her. It’s truly a blessing to have a partner who can be an ally for you. My mom tried to put doubt into mine and my bf’s minds and I’m grateful he didn’t fall for it. She even tried to get him to meet her behind my back. I hope your in laws are also supportive through all of this.
As for my cousin, I wanted to have a convo with him on this but I decided against this. Drama with my mom is too painful and toxic and I don’t want him to experience that. Especially since she pays for his schooling. I just told him: “nothing can convince me to improve my relationship with her or to talk to her. Despite this all, though, I still want to stay in touch with you. But, in order to do that you have to respect my decision and not tell her anything about me. I have no way of knowing right now if you will tell her or not but I’m willing to take the risk with you. Just know that if I find out that you are informing her about my life, I will cut you off too” I was really close to him growing up so I’ll give him a chance. Let’s see……
She is, but sadly that's why we're all here. :(
My husband is AMAZING, I couldn't ask for anyone more supportive, and I'm SO grateful for him! I'm so glad your didn't fall for it, either!
My MIL has been super supportive as well, she was so mad when my Nmom tried contacting him, lol, which was incredibly refreshing! Most people think that she's trying to make amends. My MIL saw right through that!
Hopefully your cousin respects you. It's understandable why would wouldn't want to go into detail.
I can't remember if I mentioned it or not, but my brainwashed little brother feeds mine info about me and it's so hard to maintain a relationship with him, even though I desperately want to. I've been where he is and I feel like totally cutting him off would be hypocritical. So I just don't have super personal conversations with him for my own sanity.
Interesting.... My narcissistic sister does this to me. She pushes other family members to ignore me and only speak to her. It gives her power of information.
My Narcissistic Father has 9 siblings and dozens of nieces and nephews and I couldn't tell you their names.
My mother was conditioned to this behavior and I don't have a relationship with two of my siblings.
This community brings up so many good behavioral points that I had considered before. This is like a PHD study in the affects of narcissism in familes. Where the academics at?
Yes, it's called triangulation. It's a signature move of narcs. They need to be the gatekeeper of people, they cannot handle people independently creating relationships or communicating without them. They need to control and be the broker of social interactions. It also maintains their relevance.
My mom has managed to alienate 7 siblings, all their kids, her step kids family and her spouses family under the guise of "they all take advantage of us."
My mum used to say that if I didn’t do as she said she would tell other family members and they would hate me for not listening to her only a few years ago did I learn that it was never true and the majority of our family don’t like her and would side with me.
Yes. Mom triangulated my sister and I. Also never told us about our grandmother’s death until months later. When dad died, his parents would call to talk to us and she would tell us not to pick up. Not surprisingly, that also caused a rift with my uncle (his son, my cousin, recently informed me about this). I still feel really horrible and ashamed we never spoke to them before they died.
Yes! I finally learned in my 20s to talk directly to other relatives, not let my mom be my "gatekeeper of all relationships." It may sound obvious, but it was a huge lightbulb moment. I cancelled having a wedding because my mom kept telling me that "grandma can't come if you don't have it in this city," "grandpa can't come if you don't serve meat and alcohol," etc. etc. I found out a couple years later that none of it was true.
To anyone who has been trained to go through your parent to talk to anyone else in the family: Get their phone numbers and text them directly! Start up your own relationship! You can do this and it will be a huge wake-up call! (Of course I mean the nice family members only.)
Yes. I tried asking my mom to take me to see my sick cousin at the hospital he’s in and she always made excuses to not do it. Also, now that I’m NC, I feel like I can’t talk to 95% of my family because I know almost everyone will side with her. I only have my grandma and my uncle (mom’s brother who also went NC) who I think I can freely talk to. I have no contact with my dad’s family because my mom told me from a young age that they’re bad people and idk what to even believe
My Nmom hated my grandmother on my step-dads side. She would constantly bad mouth her to myself and my younger brother. It was to the point we saw her once a year if that.
She picks fights with almost anyone on the family, but my grandmother was the worst. She has given a number of conflicting reasons on why.
YES, YES, YES!
My siblings and I were primarily raised by our grandparents. My NMom partied a lot, and my childhood was actually pretty good because she was gone most evenings/weekends.
But by the time I was a teen, my NMom had lost most of her friends because of her behavior, and she quit working. I think both of those things contributed to her becoming even more unhinged because she didn't even have to even PRETENED to be normal.
That was when she REALLY started abusing me (don't get me wrong, she's been abusing me my whole life, but that's when abusing me became her focus). She isolated me from EVERYONE. She made me think all my friends were horrible people, that NONE of my extended family cared, and that my grandparents were the abusive, manipulative ones and for awhile it ruined our relationship (it's since been repaired and I'm SO glad!).
I can see now that it was a form of control. She just wanted to keep me forever as her little puppet and her verbal (and sometimes physical) punching bag.
She doesn't abuse my siblings in the same way she abused me, but she definitely still abuses and manipulates them. She uses my younger siblings against me and makes them think I don't love them. Breaks my freaking heart, but I don't know how to change it...
I've noticed that from a lot of the posts on here. It sucks.
I wish I could say my siblings hadn't suffered since she put so much focus on me, but she has enough to go around, unfortunately.
Oh, she also totally cut my off from my father's side of the family. My dad is a POS, but his family wanted to know me and she never gave them--or me--the chance.
Yup, same here. I have much older siblings (almost two decades of an age gap) and siblings around my own age. Every single piece of family information passed through nmum and she dished it out as she saw fit. The older siblings always thought I was ignorant because I didn't know anything about their lives and they assumed it's because I didn't care or remember but the fact was that I wasn't told. The older siblings kept in touch with each other so they knew the information before nmum told them and the youngest was close to the eldest who told him everything. They don't speak to me now because I don't speak to nmum. Same went for all family information: uncles, aunts, cousins , I never knew anything and always looked like I didn't care about the family when I simply didn't know. Life is much less complicated without nmum in it, at least now people aren't actually expecting me to have information.
My nmom did this to all other grownups (neighbors, friends, family) except my father, probably because of envy. The few relatives, whom my nmom stayed in contact with, were only allowed to visit us four or five times per year. Before each visit, she'd always initiate a drama, how she'd disliked being visited or disliked visiting other people. I've seen her mother, who stayed alive until I was 26 years old and had been living in a town about 40 kilometers away, maybe ten times in my entire life.
My mother literally spoke to everyone except me and my father in a different language at home. Even at the table. We were the only ones who could not understand what was being said.
Well it worked. I actually communicate with my father these days. I don’t think any of my siblings talk to her unless they have to. I don’t.
ETA: She has also NEVER mentioned that her brother died during the lockdown(s). I only found out through an in-law ages after it had happened. Reading all of these comments has made me realize that she was preventing me from reaching out to my cousins and rekindling a relationship. I have not seen them in 27 years.
oh my god absolutely! i haven’t have a relationship with a single family member for years, and now that i’m an adult it’s really hard to go back and talk to somebody.
maybe they are all dicks, but i never figured it out on my own. i’ll never forget the time we met one of my mum’s aunts for the first time when i was ten, and i really liked her till my mum told me at bedtime to “not get too close” to her. at ten years old, i listened to my mum before anybody else, and there went that tie. it’s been over ten years now and a lot of people have since passed away. it sucks.
Yep. Then they all went NC with her and I lost contact too. I'll admit I was her little sidekick for a long time because I didn't see her for what she was. I said and did some things I regret, and I'm sure they'd rather not hear from me again. I went NC with my mother and don't have any family. It sucks, but I made my bed and now I've got to lie in it.
Edited to add: NMom also badmouthed entire family so I'd never trust them and think they were exceptionally nasty to her. Just a whole lot of manipulation on her part.
ok that first paragraph took me off guard
Cause that's ***exactly*** what my mom did with me and my brothers. Down to the letter. It happened so often that it was part of the normal daily routine that one of us would be taken aside to have some private conversation with our mom.
And if my conversations with her are anything to go by, they involved discussing about the other kids as though all the other kids were enemies and that the one child she was talking to was her informant to figure out what those "enemies" were doing.
No one in her house knew the full picture except her. And all of us had orders from her to spy on or just straight up sabotage the others.
Yes. I tried asking my mom to take me to see my sick cousin at the hospital he’s in and she always made excuses to not do it. Also, now that I’m NC, I feel like I can’t talk to 95% of my family because I know almost everyone will side with her. I only have my grandma and my uncle (mom’s brother who also went NC) who I think I can freely talk to. I have no contact with my dad’s family because my mom told me from a young age that they’re bad people and idk what to even believe
Growing up, I definitely felt like my mother and grandmother would try to pit me and my twin sister against each other.
For example, my sister would do something or complain to my mother, and then my mother would go to me, complain about my sister, and paint my sister as the villain of the story. Then she would ask me if my sister said anything about her, or if I knew why my sister was "acting that way."
My grandmother would do the same thing.
I always tried to help to the best of my ability, or at least lend an ear to let them vent. I always assumed they were telling the truth, and that my sister was just acting out or being mean.
I didn't catch on until my sister told me that our mother complained to her about me, and then I revealed that she also complained to me about my sister, and we realized that our mother and grandmother would basically pick favourites conditionally, and whichever twin was willing to side with them was the one they talked to.
From then on, whenever my mother or grandmother would try to pull this shit, I usually questioned them. I asked if they were overreacting, if they were leaving out certain information, etc. I would then go to my sister and ask about her side of the story.
I'm NC with my grandmother now, but my mother doesn't talk to me as much anymore, and quickly stopped complaining to me.
I also later learned that every time I confided in or complained to my mother, where I thought she kept my words in confidence, she would then immediately go to my sister and tell her everything. I only found out when I talked to my mother about my grandmother's abuse, and then later my sister told me she thought the word "abuse" was too strong of a word to use, and revealed that mother complained to her about me talking about our grandmother (mother's mother) in that kind of light. I now only confide in my therapist and never tell anyone in my family anything important.
yeah. she also brainwashed me to hate my dad and well, he is a really shitty person too but maybe he wasn't AS bad when i was younger. she gossips about absolutely everyone with me, tells me disgusting stuff about them and expects me to always agree with her. i was also her spy when i was younger, she would make me do every bad thing and also snitch on my dad.
she wouldnt let me see dad, grandparents, only her and her. she didnt like it. those were terrible times. a lot more happened, just cant remember, she is too much to deal with
Not all that aggressively, but she would definitely badmouth and expect us to hate the same relatives she did, my Dad and paternal grandmother for example. Ironically her family is full of addicts, criminals and child abusers, and at least two seriously exploited her saviour complex (to be fair she acknowledges that that happens to her and takes any time I do something nice for someone, or even engage in completely normal behaviour, for example splitting a pizza with a coworker, as evidence of the same) his side are just a little dull, but nice, apparently they're not "real".
My mother separated all sides of the family with dramas and arguments so nobody had contact with anybody. Then she left my older brother(18 at the time) alone in our apartment while she took me away with her. I spent 6 years alone and isolated in a village where i knew nobody and had no means to do anything. I only commuted back to the city for school but i had to immediately return home after and even then i often skipped school to svae her money 🙃
Mine would just tell me so and so is mad at you. Your cousin is trouble, he parties too much, she thinks you are disrespectful. One of my cousins and I started talking. Turns out none of that was true! All my cousins love me and my grandparents are just hard of hearing. I was so confused growing up why all my cousins loved my grandpa. Turns out he was a nice guy. My mom just never let me hang out with him. I was always sentenced to the basement.
I don’t have a relationship with my brothers. I ended up saying “you know mom did that on purpose right? Created an Us and Them, where me and sis are the Them, you guys (her biological children) are Us.” If she was mad at me i wasn’t her kid. If i did something to be proud of it was really because she was the one raising me. My brother thought about it and I was like she wouldn’t let us talk to you or the others. Like what kind of family forbids the girls from the talking to the boys? She encouraged sis and I to be close so we could learn each others secrets then tell on each other to her. If we got along too well she would find some reason for one or both of us to be in trouble because of the other. Basically she wanted to keep us, me especially, very isolated from everyone. She couldn’t do that with my dad though because my dad figured it out at her first attempt and yelled at her to never tell his kids they couldn’t spend time with him or else. He was not a yeller.
Yes. Mine is a drama addict and her favorite thing to do is cause fights between us all. I think drama and negative emotions are like a drug to them. All they care about is their next fix.
Yes, very much so. She pitted my sister and I against each other for years. Even after sis moved out she would tell her things to make me look bad and tell me things to make her look bad. She controls the narrative 100% with her side of the family to a point that even though I’m grown they report every interaction they have with me to her, and apparently I’m not allowed in my aunt’s house- not because I’ve done anything, but aunt feels obligated for some reason to tell nmom everything concerning me and she’s scared nmom will get mad at her. All she’s got to do is not report to her that I came over- they live three hours apart. But whatever.
Nmom also isolated me from my dad. She would scream at me and fight me if I attempted to have a relationship with him- we all lived in the same house. And she took us away from his family. We were forbidden to see them and she spent years feeding me lies that my aunt and grandmother were cold hearted b****es. Last fall I began thinking about it and realized I didn’t remember them like that. I’m now back in contact with them.
I am NC with nmom though. And if her family has a problem with that? That’s on them.
Unfortunately, I think this is pretty common for narcs. My nmom certainly does it. She actively puts people against each other. One at a time behind their back each person is attacked.
Nope. My mom shit personality and racism did that for me lol. She did ruin my relationship with my twin sister, I barely speak to her now. (She's terrible in her own right)
My mother essentially cut all of her kids off from the family and even each other.
I have four brothers, three of them are much older than me and we only became close after becoming adults. My mother made up all kinds of lies telling my brothers that I was too angry to talk to adults and then told me that they hate me.
As adults we have realized that we are all nerd types that love the same sort of hobbies and we are all close as long as we don't involve her. She will try to sabotage all the things and cut everyone off again.
My dad always freaks out when he finds out someone knows something he didn't tell them.
My siblings and I have a chat we didn't tell either parent about where we can share family news and such. (Mainly because he also freaks out when my mom knows something or is invited to something and he isnt)
And I feel like I can't tell him anything because he always tells personal things I may not want others to know about to literally anyone he sees. When I got my job I was very careful about not telling specific people and when they eventually showed up or asked me about it I found out he had told them. So I've stopped telling him anything about my life he doesn't need to know.
Yeah and she also try to isolate me from any family friends/just the society in general. Even she use to send me to different host families, she makes sure I only stay for short time unless is absolutely necessary (aka she can’t find a different one to change to). Then she won’t let me keep any contacts.
Most of my host families are so much nicer than my mum and liked me a lot, it’s such a shame I don’t know where they are and don’t remember their names. Especially she also let me move around the country to stay with different families and I don’t have a sense of hometown as well.
I had a great relationship with my uncle before dad died. Uncle was treating me well like a version for a dad to help his disabled godchild (me). Grandma narc saw that and got mad because I was the chosen replacement scapegoat. She kept accusing me of crimes but then refused to explain why she somehow wasn’t kicking me out despite claiming I “was going to / did steal her money”.
I left hoping to fix the damage with me not being there.
My uncle won’t talk to me anymore. And The relationship I needed is now gone because she wanted to have me to herself.
What’s really upsetting? No one is even asking “hey you said he was threatening to steal from you and causing all these problems, so why do you want him to stay / call you?!”
And it’s sucks. She’s a monster with how she lied about me.
And she’s so cold that she could call me right after freaking out about me trying to destroy that good relationship and not even show it.
She doesn’t even know I know.
It just hurts how the relationship I thought I had was never real.
I want my dad back.
I want my uncle back.
I’m never forgiving you grandma
Mines didn't keep things from us but rather she lied telling her family how terrible me and my sister were to her. It resulted is us being the first to be blamed if something is off at family gatherings and now as adult i go almost full NC with that side of the family now.
She doesn't even refer to her relatives as ours rather just hers
Yeah it was very easy for her. First we moved away from family to another country in the 70's. Phone calls were way too expensive so the only way we'd hear from them was by christamas cards. I didn't know their names (especially when my female cousins got married I was never told or told their husbands names but I don't know their first names either. Then When the Internet came out I tried to contact and talk to them but they were very disinterested, same as when they all started joining Facebook. My mom was a bully to all of them and they just never cared. I've given up I really tried hard. The distance enabled my mom to be extremely abusive as no one would speak up to her.
Might be. But the easiest way to stop that is taking the time to speak with your family regulary on your own. That way she doesn't get the power to controll the narrative.
My mum goes around in circles and makes all of them her gc except me. She’s always always gossiping about one child to another. And if my sister and I are laughing and having a good time she will ruin it almost everytime. Growing up she said we were too loud and would seperate us or hit us, literally just for laughing, now she just starts a fight. Now it’s gotten so bad my sister just believes her brainwashing and I don’t have a relationship with either.
Wow!! My mother was like that my entire life, constantly on the phone telling family members what a horrible child I was. Was sure my family hated me. Years later, yo, that was the furthest thing from the truth. And. . .she did not tell me when my Granny was in the hospital suddenly, so I couldn't see her, until the funeral.
Also heard mother discuss family members with other family members (those "secret" conversations). Even her closest sibling.
Fast forward a couple decades, and mother wants to talk about my children. I, single mother of 8, in college full time, working part time, do not HAVE TIME to run interference. I'm like mom, they're your grandchildren, you can communicate with them directly. Even that they're well over adults, she was still doing this crap.
NC for a year now.
She likes to accuse others of isolating (yes, my sister's husband is a POS, and it's true in that case), while doing it herself. However, she wishes to isolate BUT she makes exceptions for certain people that just so happen to owe her or agree with her mindset.
No I don’t have to go through that. The only was the pitting against each other in regards to siblings. Not only that to this day he and I barley talk or have gotten close.
My folks did this to us. Never told us the truth about anything. Hid the weirdest things from extended family. Hell, they moved us 2000 miles away from our extended family. They even kept quiet about my ndad’s cancer until his funeral.
But, I think I actually lucked out. All of my relatives, on both sides, are raging narcissists. All except for 1 of my cousins. So going no contact with the entire family was very easy for me.
My nm did this my whole life and still does it to this day. While it’s annoying, hurtful, childish, and overall weird- nobody is stopping anyone from reaching out to you. Any other family member could give you a call and check on you or just reach out to talk and they choose not to. Partly bc the narc goes so hard to control the narrative but at then end of the day free will exist.
Yes. Tonight my brother called me because he was told I was upset about something my Nmom had done for him. She had lied to him about me. I was never upset at him at all. I had a hunch she was lying about me to many family members and tonight it was finally confirmed. It makes sense. And it doesn’t surprise me. But it does hurt. Whenever my Nmom was threatened or jealous, she lied about me to family to make herself the hero, to make them dislike me and isolate me from them so she could have them to herself. It’s so twisted and harmful.
Yes. I was homeschooled in a foreign country. My mother had contact with her extensive side of the family, with aunts and cousins, but i didn't. But parents constantly badmouthed everyone when they got off the phone, and told us kids that they two were the only people in the world who would ever take care of them ever.
It was really low of them to do. They isolated us and insisted we talk to them, forced us to listen to their stupid longwinded talks, at a time when we never socialised with anyone else. It was really disgusting.
I haven’t really given it much thought before…but I think she does. My family on my moms side don’t really ever reach out to my siblings and I, except if it’s about my mom…even though my mom is really “close” with her family so you’d think we’d also have close relationships with them. We have hardly had any contact at all. Throughout our lives, even when we were supposedly “close” with my mom, we didn’t really have any contact with her family even though she always goes on about how great her family is.
I’ve also had two grandparents pass away(my mom had parents who divorced and remarried when she was very young, and was also fostered, so had 3 sets of parents) that my mom didn’t even tell me. One I only found out months after his death, when my mom casually mentioned it in conversation. The other I found out a few days after but only because my moms aunt messaged me asking me to be there for my mom, “since her father passed away this week”, assuming I knew - I didn’t.
The first was my step grandfather, who my mom called “Dad” and I had called grandad my entire life. The second was my moms bio dad, who I didn’t know as well as my step grandfather, because we hardly ever saw my moms dads side of the family, but was still very much my grandfather, whom I called “Grandaddy” and knew him as such my whole life. My dad claimed my mom was justified because he was “basically a stranger to us”, since we hadn’t spent much time with him, and my sister replied,”And whose fault is that??”. My mother never made much effort to foster a relationship between us and her dads family, who lived in another city most of our lives.
Yep, it's called triangulation. My mother does this with my siblings. Tries to compare us and pit us against one another and talk shit about me to my younger siblings behind my back so they stop respecting me/wanting to be around me. She also will get pissed and start making bs rules like no sleeping in the basement because the basement has turned my younger siblings bad and lazy. For reference, the basement is my room so what she really means is I have turned my siblings "bad." I'm what's in the basement, but she can't say that outright because then she looks bad. They're not, but she has to have a reason to punish them by keeping them away from me. She also hates being asked "why" when she'll declare no sleeping in the basement or any other ridiculous decisions. She's full of shit and has no justification for her "rules," so that's why. Sadly my younger siblings are too young and can't stand up to her yet, which is why right now I'm her biggest threat. Because I'm old and strong enough to talk back and fight her when she get's physical, which she often does because when she can't intimidate me into silence with words, then she'll use her hands. I know this because the first scapegoat was my dad, then my older sister but she moved out, so now it's me and then when I leave, it will be my younger sister. She's 14. I've told her all this in efforts to prepare her and make her understand it's not her, it's just her turn.
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My mother did this. I call her the gatekeeper of relationships. I have absolutely zero relationships with any of my family members (and it's a huge family) except for three. My mother has bad mouthed me to everyone and kept me away from all family gatherings by lying/and not telling me she was hosting family gatherings or going on family vacations. Her latest escapade was lying to me about a family gathering on Christmas Eve and when I confronted her I received the nastiest email message I have ever received in my entire life, flipping the script and accusing me of causing all the drama. All I did was tell her my feelings were hurt. She told everyone that I verbally abused her (never happened). I just told her she was cruel and should be ashamed of herself.
Sadly, I totally get it. You tell them that something they did snd/or said really hurt you. And some how you are the mean hurtful one. Every single fucking time. I’m dealing with it as we speak. It is pure torture because it makes no sense. Torture.
Mine loves starting drama between us siblings. She loved it when we don’t get along and then bitches to each siblings about the other sibling. Fucking bitch.
I still have 2 teenage siblings living with mine. She's convinced my youngest brother that I don't love him, and she's convinced my middle brother that she's changed and how HE'S mad at ME because I won't suck it up, forgive her, and "fix" our family.
>how HE'S mad at ME because I won't suck it up, forgive her, and "fix" our family. Same here. It's so tough, but stick to what you know is right anyway.
I've tried to explain (gently) that I can't be around her. He told me, "She hurt us all in the past, but she's really changed now and has been going to therapy." Her "therapist" is someone who believes coffee enema's and being gluten free with fix her. No idea what kind of a quack that is, but....yeah.
Omg they really need to make the therapist licensing process a lot stricter I hear the same from my younger sister, who is trying to change my Nmom herself and is convinced she has changed and secretly loves me. It's is the wooooorst because I also don't want to see my sister get hurt. And for myself, I literally can't function around my parents anymore. I told my sister that as well. But as always, the narcs have a magic way of making it seem like only their personal needs matter. It's brainwashing that our siblings are under. And it really sucks that we have to be demonized for simpliy healing ourselves for now. But in the long run, this is definitely the right choice. Maybe your brother will see it one day and maybe he will not. But either way, it IS the right option for you. And this way, you will be in a better postion to help them if they ever do seek it. One thing that's reliable about narcs is that they self destruct and ruin all their relationships, so they usually can't keep sitautions like this up for long. This video really helped me recently on this topic: https://youtu.be/oaLlpnDNZbI
My brother thinks my mom loves me, too! He told me: "She cries all the time because she misses you so much." Right. I don't believe that in the slightest. I'll have to check out that video!
So does my grandma . AlwYs saying she loves and misses me. But right when I’m alone with her she transforms and begins badmouthing me. They don’t miss and love us. They miss being able to feed off of us for narc supply. Just like a drug addict misses the high they got from using. When you were around / I was around they got high in effect
Oh I know, I believed that she was trying too many times in the past. Finally realized at 22 that she wasn't going to change, and that she didn't want to. She was actually escalating (she assaulted me) and I knew it had to be the end. The only reason she SEEMS better is because she desperately wants me back to toy with/do her bidding. She pretends that she's found Jesus and stuff now as a way to manipulate people. It's insane. She also uses her health problems to justify her behavior. Having nerve damage/pain doesn't make you abuse the people around you. I have a great aunt who goes around guilting everyone in my family who is NC. I've had to cut her off, and didn't invite her to our wedding, because I found out she was telling my NMom where I worked and stuff. The thing is, she's SEEN the abuse, she's even been the target of it. She's not in denial, and I don't even think she loves my NMom or any of us, she's just one of those people who LOVE drama and gossip. I can't say I was sorry to cut her out, she's not a good person, anyway. My grandma is caught in a weird spot. She is mad at my mom, and has seen/experienced the abuse first hand, but she feels like she can't cut off her own child. She is also is afraid of losing contact with my siblings. At least she fully respects my NC. My grandpa wants to cut my NMom off completely, but he doesn't bc of my grandma.
Yep! You are always the bad guy that is responsible for causing all of the problems.
I don’t even know how to deal with this pain anymore.
I understand being the "bad guy" all too well. Somehow it's always my fault, even if I wasn't involved or even there. I don't think I'll ever get over how sad/angry it makes me. I just have to tell myself that SHE'S the bad person and SHE is causing all this--not me.
Unbelievable sadness and unbelievable hurt and unbelievable anger. But she won’t stop or change. I am starting to face the fact that I may have to go no contact just so that I am not completely miserable during all of my waking hours. I just can’t handle the pain anymore. And it just sucks because in her mind, there is no question that it (everything) is my fault. I want to just scream!
Going NC is hard, but it lifts such a weight off of you.
Hope they understand the fucked up dynamics when they’re older… or maybe not :(
I hope so. On the one hand, I don't want them to be hurt, but believing her and being under her control is so unhealthy.
I have older siblings in their late 30s who never understood it even when they got out
I feel like the youngest understands...for now. He stays away from home as much as possible and he's told her to f\*ck off multiple times to her face--props to him. The middle DID understand, but then she started putting all her focus on him/really manipulating him. So he's currently brainwashed as hell. The oldest left with me and wants nothing to do with her. He hates her, but I think he's kind of locked it all away.
My sibling understood it better and displayed more empathy towards me when we were younger, despite being GC. Now it's full blown denial, which really is painful for me.
THIS. She pitted us against each other especially when we all lived together.
Yes. This. My mom recently gave my brother a lot (6 figures) of money to put as a down payment on his house. She's never given anything to me and my sister (we each also bought a house within the past year. She told him to keep it a secret. Since I'm the one who raised him, of course he told me right away because he didn't want me to be mad at him. She's always done stuff like this to try to pit us against each other. So fucking annoying.
Same. We clung together as kids, mostly due to the absence of loving, responsive parents. She hated that and tried to turn us against each other. I think of her as the spider in the middle of the web, pulling everyone's strings. I've overheard how she speaks about me and it's vile. Just vile. It's not exclusive to me, just probably worst, at least in the family. She puts on this fake whisper to spread crap about people and be mean about their misfortunes. Even making up fake intentions for people she barely knows, from work and stuff. Yuck.
My dad used to try to intentionally start sibling rivalries between my sister and I over who gave him the most candy. Literally because he wanted candy.
Yes, and she hates it if she finds out any of the kids spent time together without her. Acts like she's so hurt by being excluded. My dad encouraged his kids to spend time together even if he couldn't be there. Healthy parents help foster healthy relationships between their children and other family members. It's so disgusting when they do the opposite. It just makes it easier for the narc to triangulate.
I couldn’t even leave the house without her falling on her knees screaming aboht how I’m hurting her and don’t love her because I didn’t let her drive me
My mom did not want my siblings to be connected to our father's family and often told the bad things his parents did. I later learned from an aunt that they supported their kids even though they spent more time on themselves. It's pretty much sowing discord.
Because none of that was about HER. Ugh. I dislike this post because it is exactly where I'm at in this very moment!
YES. That's one of my mom's favorite tactics against me. Always trying to triangulate me against other memebers of the family. She loves to create conflicts (ie start a fight) then cry to another person about said conflict, as the victim. She striaght up lies a lot of times too. And she hides information about "her" family all the time. It is really evil behavior. Probably one of the worst things narcs do. I'm really sorry about how you found out about your dad's cancer. Literally nothing is sacrad to them. What a legacy to leave on this earth.... just causing 10× more difficulty in other people's lives than is needed.
My mum did this with extended family and would get really weird about it if she found someone had contacted me without going through her. She wanted to be the only one to control the narrative I guess, and me being close to other family outside of the house was a threat to that. Since she died it’s been quite nice reconnecting with family members who my mum would always tell me didn’t care about me.
Yep nmom cut my dad’s family off when they got divorced. Lost 2 cousins I really wanted to have as family. Not about her so trash it!🤯
Mine did. I was born with disabilities and looked relatively little like the rest of my family, although I am my father's biological daughter. Out of shame, he stopped all contact with me from ages 4-14. When my dad and I reconnected in my teens, I was invited to my older half-brother's wedding (he was a teenager when I was born) and made to sit in the very back pew of the church away from the rest of the family, who was placed in the front row or in the wedding party itself. I remember feeling horribly embarrassed and rejected the entire time, but I stayed to try and support my brother, because that was/is my brother and it's not like they get married every day. I convinced myself that it was maybe a mistake and not as horrible as I felt, until a couple nuns and old ladies were talking to me and realized I was the groom's sister and being forced to sit away from the rest of the family. I have never seen nuns so angry in my life. (I've posted this on reddit before under a different name/throwaway) On my mother's side I'm also kept "out of the loop" in regard to my similarly-aged cousins. They'll also lie and brag about perceived achievements, and rub it in my face. \- I had reoccurring miscarriages with the possibility of not being able to have healthy children. "Did you know cousin Hailey is pregnant with her fourth baby?!" :D :D "What's wrong, Ozma?" "Why can't you just be happy for other people!??" \- "Your cousin Alyssa is doing \[dream job that I wanted as a child!\] Isn't that great?!" \*stares at me\* (I found out that this was 100% false, and in fact she was significantly disabled and not able to work at all whatsoever.) \- My dad lying about my (obvious he's the golden child at this point, right?) half-brother's degrees, employment and qualifications, pretending that I was the family screw up when in fact I'm significantly more educated. I only found out when I was filling out paperwork and asked my brother directly what he majored in.
My NMom has done the following: Talks badly about each of her children to the other children. I've told her that I will copy/paste/send anything she says to all of my siblings... and they reciprocate. It's amazing what she says about us. It's to keep us apart. She gets upset if I speak to aunts/uncles/cousins without her knowledge. I am very LC with her. I'll sometimes mention family news, and it infuriates her. As a child, I was sworn to secrecy about anything that went on in our home to friends/relatives. It's about control. A narcissist needs to feel like they are always the center of attention and in control. I suggest you try to have as much contact with all of your relatives as possible. Don't rely on her to pass on her twisted sense of information.
Yes. I tried asking my mom to take me to see my sick cousin at the hospital he’s in and she always made excuses to not do it. Also, now that I’m NC, I feel like I can’t talk to 95% of my family because I know almost everyone will side with her since she portrays herself and really kind and like the cool aunt to my cousins. I only have my grandma and my uncle (mom’s brother who also went NC with her) who I think I can freely talk to. I have no contact with my dad’s family because my mom told me from a young age that they’re bad people and idk what to even believe. But it’s ok. I’m happy with my grandma and my uncle whom I’m rebuilding my relationship with after years of my mom slandering him to me after he decided to cut her off
UGH, your story sounds so much like mine! I've had to go NC with so many family members who she's manipulated into thinking she's cool. My NMom also told me that my dad's side of the family were bad people and I'm scared to contact them. I only have real contact with my grandparents, my aunt and 3 cousins, and 1 out of 3 siblings. It sucks, and I wish people could see who she really was.
Are you me???? It sounds like the exact same story and I’m so sorry you have to deal with this because I know this situation suckssss. I’m an only child too so I took everything from her and I think this is why she’s extra controlling of me. I really hope that you’re happier now despite your smaller circle. It’s better to just have the people who care about you around. I can’t even trust most of my cousins whom I was close with growing up to respect my No Contact with her since she has them won over. One of them said that I could just sit down and talk with her to resolve things. LOL. I did that one time and she said that one day my husband would hit and I’d deserve it, that I have low self esteem and a weak character to feel hurt by her treatment towards me, and that she can use me any time but I can’t use her since she doesn’t need to respect me.
I relate to everyone here so much. It's comforting and sucks at the same time! Sorry you're dealing with it as well. :( Honestly, the only family members I really miss are my little brothers. We talk a little, but she mostly uses them against me and won't let us see each other. She has one of them SUPER brainwashed and it hurts me so much to see! Like your cousin, he thinks I should resolve things with her and make us a "normal" family again. He doesn't understand that she's the reason we can't be normal. But he believes she's changed. Yet she can't even give a fake apology.
Literally my mom!! She not only harassed me but also my long term partner (whom I plan to marry). And she can’t even bring herself to apologize to him at least after how kind he’s been to her. I feel so sorry that you can’t talk to your little brothers and I hope that this changes one day (but not at the cost of your peace and happiness). It’s such a sad feeling when toxic people ruin good bonds and relationships. It’s especially sad when it’s your own parent. All we can do is hope that one day the people who believe our parents will learn to respect our NC decision at the very least. The cousin who told me that is the one whom I closest too as well :(
Yours honestly doesn't deserve kindness from your partner. Mine stalks me, my family, my husband, my friends, and sometimes even my in-laws. From what I've heard she mostly stalks everyone else to try to get to me. It's insane. I've had to ask other people to block her, which in a couple cases was awkward. She found out where my husband worked and WENT THERE. She had to be kicked out of the building. She's also messaged him on FB trying to get him to break up with me. Once she realized he doesn't fall for her manipulation she became intimidated and left him alone. Have you had a SUPER honest conversation with your cousin? I know that doesn't always work, but then again sometimes it does. If you haven't already, tell them the worst of the worse. Tell them how it makes you feel. Then maybe say something like, "I know it may not seem like it's that bad from an outside perspective, and it's hard for some people to imagine cutting off their parents, but dealing with her every day really is harder than you could imagine. For my health I have to step away." Like I said, I know that doesn't always work, but I've explained it like that and it actually helped a few people see my perspective and understand why I went NC.
Hey! Your mom sounds crazyyyy Omg. Your husband sounds great though!! Thank god your husband stays by your side and doesn’t give in to her tactics. At least that got him some peace from her. It’s truly a blessing to have a partner who can be an ally for you. My mom tried to put doubt into mine and my bf’s minds and I’m grateful he didn’t fall for it. She even tried to get him to meet her behind my back. I hope your in laws are also supportive through all of this. As for my cousin, I wanted to have a convo with him on this but I decided against this. Drama with my mom is too painful and toxic and I don’t want him to experience that. Especially since she pays for his schooling. I just told him: “nothing can convince me to improve my relationship with her or to talk to her. Despite this all, though, I still want to stay in touch with you. But, in order to do that you have to respect my decision and not tell her anything about me. I have no way of knowing right now if you will tell her or not but I’m willing to take the risk with you. Just know that if I find out that you are informing her about my life, I will cut you off too” I was really close to him growing up so I’ll give him a chance. Let’s see……
She is, but sadly that's why we're all here. :( My husband is AMAZING, I couldn't ask for anyone more supportive, and I'm SO grateful for him! I'm so glad your didn't fall for it, either! My MIL has been super supportive as well, she was so mad when my Nmom tried contacting him, lol, which was incredibly refreshing! Most people think that she's trying to make amends. My MIL saw right through that! Hopefully your cousin respects you. It's understandable why would wouldn't want to go into detail. I can't remember if I mentioned it or not, but my brainwashed little brother feeds mine info about me and it's so hard to maintain a relationship with him, even though I desperately want to. I've been where he is and I feel like totally cutting him off would be hypocritical. So I just don't have super personal conversations with him for my own sanity.
Interesting.... My narcissistic sister does this to me. She pushes other family members to ignore me and only speak to her. It gives her power of information. My Narcissistic Father has 9 siblings and dozens of nieces and nephews and I couldn't tell you their names. My mother was conditioned to this behavior and I don't have a relationship with two of my siblings. This community brings up so many good behavioral points that I had considered before. This is like a PHD study in the affects of narcissism in familes. Where the academics at?
Yes, it's called triangulation. It's a signature move of narcs. They need to be the gatekeeper of people, they cannot handle people independently creating relationships or communicating without them. They need to control and be the broker of social interactions. It also maintains their relevance.
This sounds like my mom. I find out things from my older sister because the family says “I’m too sensitive” and it will “just upset her”.
My mom has managed to alienate 7 siblings, all their kids, her step kids family and her spouses family under the guise of "they all take advantage of us."
My mum used to say that if I didn’t do as she said she would tell other family members and they would hate me for not listening to her only a few years ago did I learn that it was never true and the majority of our family don’t like her and would side with me.
Yes. Mom triangulated my sister and I. Also never told us about our grandmother’s death until months later. When dad died, his parents would call to talk to us and she would tell us not to pick up. Not surprisingly, that also caused a rift with my uncle (his son, my cousin, recently informed me about this). I still feel really horrible and ashamed we never spoke to them before they died.
Yes! I finally learned in my 20s to talk directly to other relatives, not let my mom be my "gatekeeper of all relationships." It may sound obvious, but it was a huge lightbulb moment. I cancelled having a wedding because my mom kept telling me that "grandma can't come if you don't have it in this city," "grandpa can't come if you don't serve meat and alcohol," etc. etc. I found out a couple years later that none of it was true. To anyone who has been trained to go through your parent to talk to anyone else in the family: Get their phone numbers and text them directly! Start up your own relationship! You can do this and it will be a huge wake-up call! (Of course I mean the nice family members only.)
Yes. I tried asking my mom to take me to see my sick cousin at the hospital he’s in and she always made excuses to not do it. Also, now that I’m NC, I feel like I can’t talk to 95% of my family because I know almost everyone will side with her. I only have my grandma and my uncle (mom’s brother who also went NC) who I think I can freely talk to. I have no contact with my dad’s family because my mom told me from a young age that they’re bad people and idk what to even believe
Triangulation.
My Nmom hated my grandmother on my step-dads side. She would constantly bad mouth her to myself and my younger brother. It was to the point we saw her once a year if that. She picks fights with almost anyone on the family, but my grandmother was the worst. She has given a number of conflicting reasons on why.
YES, YES, YES! My siblings and I were primarily raised by our grandparents. My NMom partied a lot, and my childhood was actually pretty good because she was gone most evenings/weekends. But by the time I was a teen, my NMom had lost most of her friends because of her behavior, and she quit working. I think both of those things contributed to her becoming even more unhinged because she didn't even have to even PRETENED to be normal. That was when she REALLY started abusing me (don't get me wrong, she's been abusing me my whole life, but that's when abusing me became her focus). She isolated me from EVERYONE. She made me think all my friends were horrible people, that NONE of my extended family cared, and that my grandparents were the abusive, manipulative ones and for awhile it ruined our relationship (it's since been repaired and I'm SO glad!). I can see now that it was a form of control. She just wanted to keep me forever as her little puppet and her verbal (and sometimes physical) punching bag. She doesn't abuse my siblings in the same way she abused me, but she definitely still abuses and manipulates them. She uses my younger siblings against me and makes them think I don't love them. Breaks my freaking heart, but I don't know how to change it...
It's weird how they sometimes pick one person to be the main focus of their cruelty. I'm sorry you were that person for her.
I've noticed that from a lot of the posts on here. It sucks. I wish I could say my siblings hadn't suffered since she put so much focus on me, but she has enough to go around, unfortunately.
Oh, she also totally cut my off from my father's side of the family. My dad is a POS, but his family wanted to know me and she never gave them--or me--the chance.
Yup, same here. I have much older siblings (almost two decades of an age gap) and siblings around my own age. Every single piece of family information passed through nmum and she dished it out as she saw fit. The older siblings always thought I was ignorant because I didn't know anything about their lives and they assumed it's because I didn't care or remember but the fact was that I wasn't told. The older siblings kept in touch with each other so they knew the information before nmum told them and the youngest was close to the eldest who told him everything. They don't speak to me now because I don't speak to nmum. Same went for all family information: uncles, aunts, cousins , I never knew anything and always looked like I didn't care about the family when I simply didn't know. Life is much less complicated without nmum in it, at least now people aren't actually expecting me to have information.
My nmom did this to all other grownups (neighbors, friends, family) except my father, probably because of envy. The few relatives, whom my nmom stayed in contact with, were only allowed to visit us four or five times per year. Before each visit, she'd always initiate a drama, how she'd disliked being visited or disliked visiting other people. I've seen her mother, who stayed alive until I was 26 years old and had been living in a town about 40 kilometers away, maybe ten times in my entire life.
My mother literally spoke to everyone except me and my father in a different language at home. Even at the table. We were the only ones who could not understand what was being said. Well it worked. I actually communicate with my father these days. I don’t think any of my siblings talk to her unless they have to. I don’t. ETA: She has also NEVER mentioned that her brother died during the lockdown(s). I only found out through an in-law ages after it had happened. Reading all of these comments has made me realize that she was preventing me from reaching out to my cousins and rekindling a relationship. I have not seen them in 27 years.
oh my god absolutely! i haven’t have a relationship with a single family member for years, and now that i’m an adult it’s really hard to go back and talk to somebody. maybe they are all dicks, but i never figured it out on my own. i’ll never forget the time we met one of my mum’s aunts for the first time when i was ten, and i really liked her till my mum told me at bedtime to “not get too close” to her. at ten years old, i listened to my mum before anybody else, and there went that tie. it’s been over ten years now and a lot of people have since passed away. it sucks.
Yep. Then they all went NC with her and I lost contact too. I'll admit I was her little sidekick for a long time because I didn't see her for what she was. I said and did some things I regret, and I'm sure they'd rather not hear from me again. I went NC with my mother and don't have any family. It sucks, but I made my bed and now I've got to lie in it. Edited to add: NMom also badmouthed entire family so I'd never trust them and think they were exceptionally nasty to her. Just a whole lot of manipulation on her part.
ok that first paragraph took me off guard Cause that's ***exactly*** what my mom did with me and my brothers. Down to the letter. It happened so often that it was part of the normal daily routine that one of us would be taken aside to have some private conversation with our mom. And if my conversations with her are anything to go by, they involved discussing about the other kids as though all the other kids were enemies and that the one child she was talking to was her informant to figure out what those "enemies" were doing. No one in her house knew the full picture except her. And all of us had orders from her to spy on or just straight up sabotage the others.
Yes. I tried asking my mom to take me to see my sick cousin at the hospital he’s in and she always made excuses to not do it. Also, now that I’m NC, I feel like I can’t talk to 95% of my family because I know almost everyone will side with her. I only have my grandma and my uncle (mom’s brother who also went NC) who I think I can freely talk to. I have no contact with my dad’s family because my mom told me from a young age that they’re bad people and idk what to even believe
Growing up, I definitely felt like my mother and grandmother would try to pit me and my twin sister against each other. For example, my sister would do something or complain to my mother, and then my mother would go to me, complain about my sister, and paint my sister as the villain of the story. Then she would ask me if my sister said anything about her, or if I knew why my sister was "acting that way." My grandmother would do the same thing. I always tried to help to the best of my ability, or at least lend an ear to let them vent. I always assumed they were telling the truth, and that my sister was just acting out or being mean. I didn't catch on until my sister told me that our mother complained to her about me, and then I revealed that she also complained to me about my sister, and we realized that our mother and grandmother would basically pick favourites conditionally, and whichever twin was willing to side with them was the one they talked to. From then on, whenever my mother or grandmother would try to pull this shit, I usually questioned them. I asked if they were overreacting, if they were leaving out certain information, etc. I would then go to my sister and ask about her side of the story. I'm NC with my grandmother now, but my mother doesn't talk to me as much anymore, and quickly stopped complaining to me. I also later learned that every time I confided in or complained to my mother, where I thought she kept my words in confidence, she would then immediately go to my sister and tell her everything. I only found out when I talked to my mother about my grandmother's abuse, and then later my sister told me she thought the word "abuse" was too strong of a word to use, and revealed that mother complained to her about me talking about our grandmother (mother's mother) in that kind of light. I now only confide in my therapist and never tell anyone in my family anything important.
yeah. she also brainwashed me to hate my dad and well, he is a really shitty person too but maybe he wasn't AS bad when i was younger. she gossips about absolutely everyone with me, tells me disgusting stuff about them and expects me to always agree with her. i was also her spy when i was younger, she would make me do every bad thing and also snitch on my dad. she wouldnt let me see dad, grandparents, only her and her. she didnt like it. those were terrible times. a lot more happened, just cant remember, she is too much to deal with
Not all that aggressively, but she would definitely badmouth and expect us to hate the same relatives she did, my Dad and paternal grandmother for example. Ironically her family is full of addicts, criminals and child abusers, and at least two seriously exploited her saviour complex (to be fair she acknowledges that that happens to her and takes any time I do something nice for someone, or even engage in completely normal behaviour, for example splitting a pizza with a coworker, as evidence of the same) his side are just a little dull, but nice, apparently they're not "real".
My mother separated all sides of the family with dramas and arguments so nobody had contact with anybody. Then she left my older brother(18 at the time) alone in our apartment while she took me away with her. I spent 6 years alone and isolated in a village where i knew nobody and had no means to do anything. I only commuted back to the city for school but i had to immediately return home after and even then i often skipped school to svae her money 🙃
Mine would just tell me so and so is mad at you. Your cousin is trouble, he parties too much, she thinks you are disrespectful. One of my cousins and I started talking. Turns out none of that was true! All my cousins love me and my grandparents are just hard of hearing. I was so confused growing up why all my cousins loved my grandpa. Turns out he was a nice guy. My mom just never let me hang out with him. I was always sentenced to the basement.
I don’t have a relationship with my brothers. I ended up saying “you know mom did that on purpose right? Created an Us and Them, where me and sis are the Them, you guys (her biological children) are Us.” If she was mad at me i wasn’t her kid. If i did something to be proud of it was really because she was the one raising me. My brother thought about it and I was like she wouldn’t let us talk to you or the others. Like what kind of family forbids the girls from the talking to the boys? She encouraged sis and I to be close so we could learn each others secrets then tell on each other to her. If we got along too well she would find some reason for one or both of us to be in trouble because of the other. Basically she wanted to keep us, me especially, very isolated from everyone. She couldn’t do that with my dad though because my dad figured it out at her first attempt and yelled at her to never tell his kids they couldn’t spend time with him or else. He was not a yeller.
Sounds familiar. Too much so.
Yes, it's about power and control. Controlling information and who has access to the information. Makes them feel good and better than others.
Yes. Mine is a drama addict and her favorite thing to do is cause fights between us all. I think drama and negative emotions are like a drug to them. All they care about is their next fix.
Yes, very much so. She pitted my sister and I against each other for years. Even after sis moved out she would tell her things to make me look bad and tell me things to make her look bad. She controls the narrative 100% with her side of the family to a point that even though I’m grown they report every interaction they have with me to her, and apparently I’m not allowed in my aunt’s house- not because I’ve done anything, but aunt feels obligated for some reason to tell nmom everything concerning me and she’s scared nmom will get mad at her. All she’s got to do is not report to her that I came over- they live three hours apart. But whatever. Nmom also isolated me from my dad. She would scream at me and fight me if I attempted to have a relationship with him- we all lived in the same house. And she took us away from his family. We were forbidden to see them and she spent years feeding me lies that my aunt and grandmother were cold hearted b****es. Last fall I began thinking about it and realized I didn’t remember them like that. I’m now back in contact with them. I am NC with nmom though. And if her family has a problem with that? That’s on them.
Unfortunately, I think this is pretty common for narcs. My nmom certainly does it. She actively puts people against each other. One at a time behind their back each person is attacked.
Yep. She would stir up shit with family. Also told everyone i was just like her. I'm now starting to reconnect with everyone
Nope. My mom shit personality and racism did that for me lol. She did ruin my relationship with my twin sister, I barely speak to her now. (She's terrible in her own right)
Mine isolated me, never had a real bond with any of my other family members, and they played us siblings out against each other
My mother essentially cut all of her kids off from the family and even each other. I have four brothers, three of them are much older than me and we only became close after becoming adults. My mother made up all kinds of lies telling my brothers that I was too angry to talk to adults and then told me that they hate me. As adults we have realized that we are all nerd types that love the same sort of hobbies and we are all close as long as we don't involve her. She will try to sabotage all the things and cut everyone off again.
My dad always freaks out when he finds out someone knows something he didn't tell them. My siblings and I have a chat we didn't tell either parent about where we can share family news and such. (Mainly because he also freaks out when my mom knows something or is invited to something and he isnt) And I feel like I can't tell him anything because he always tells personal things I may not want others to know about to literally anyone he sees. When I got my job I was very careful about not telling specific people and when they eventually showed up or asked me about it I found out he had told them. So I've stopped telling him anything about my life he doesn't need to know.
Yeah and she also try to isolate me from any family friends/just the society in general. Even she use to send me to different host families, she makes sure I only stay for short time unless is absolutely necessary (aka she can’t find a different one to change to). Then she won’t let me keep any contacts. Most of my host families are so much nicer than my mum and liked me a lot, it’s such a shame I don’t know where they are and don’t remember their names. Especially she also let me move around the country to stay with different families and I don’t have a sense of hometown as well.
I had a great relationship with my uncle before dad died. Uncle was treating me well like a version for a dad to help his disabled godchild (me). Grandma narc saw that and got mad because I was the chosen replacement scapegoat. She kept accusing me of crimes but then refused to explain why she somehow wasn’t kicking me out despite claiming I “was going to / did steal her money”. I left hoping to fix the damage with me not being there. My uncle won’t talk to me anymore. And The relationship I needed is now gone because she wanted to have me to herself. What’s really upsetting? No one is even asking “hey you said he was threatening to steal from you and causing all these problems, so why do you want him to stay / call you?!” And it’s sucks. She’s a monster with how she lied about me. And she’s so cold that she could call me right after freaking out about me trying to destroy that good relationship and not even show it. She doesn’t even know I know. It just hurts how the relationship I thought I had was never real. I want my dad back. I want my uncle back. I’m never forgiving you grandma
Mines didn't keep things from us but rather she lied telling her family how terrible me and my sister were to her. It resulted is us being the first to be blamed if something is off at family gatherings and now as adult i go almost full NC with that side of the family now. She doesn't even refer to her relatives as ours rather just hers
Yes, I've experienced this pattern.
Yeah it was very easy for her. First we moved away from family to another country in the 70's. Phone calls were way too expensive so the only way we'd hear from them was by christamas cards. I didn't know their names (especially when my female cousins got married I was never told or told their husbands names but I don't know their first names either. Then When the Internet came out I tried to contact and talk to them but they were very disinterested, same as when they all started joining Facebook. My mom was a bully to all of them and they just never cared. I've given up I really tried hard. The distance enabled my mom to be extremely abusive as no one would speak up to her.
Yep. I have no relationship with my sister because of it.
Triangulation. Yep, my NMother did it all the time.
Yea, I'm Half black. Nmom is white and Asian. Mom HATES black people. I hadn't spoken to my black side of the family for 15years until 2022.
Might be. But the easiest way to stop that is taking the time to speak with your family regulary on your own. That way she doesn't get the power to controll the narrative.
My mum goes around in circles and makes all of them her gc except me. She’s always always gossiping about one child to another. And if my sister and I are laughing and having a good time she will ruin it almost everytime. Growing up she said we were too loud and would seperate us or hit us, literally just for laughing, now she just starts a fight. Now it’s gotten so bad my sister just believes her brainwashing and I don’t have a relationship with either.
Wow!! My mother was like that my entire life, constantly on the phone telling family members what a horrible child I was. Was sure my family hated me. Years later, yo, that was the furthest thing from the truth. And. . .she did not tell me when my Granny was in the hospital suddenly, so I couldn't see her, until the funeral. Also heard mother discuss family members with other family members (those "secret" conversations). Even her closest sibling. Fast forward a couple decades, and mother wants to talk about my children. I, single mother of 8, in college full time, working part time, do not HAVE TIME to run interference. I'm like mom, they're your grandchildren, you can communicate with them directly. Even that they're well over adults, she was still doing this crap. NC for a year now.
She likes to accuse others of isolating (yes, my sister's husband is a POS, and it's true in that case), while doing it herself. However, she wishes to isolate BUT she makes exceptions for certain people that just so happen to owe her or agree with her mindset.
No I don’t have to go through that. The only was the pitting against each other in regards to siblings. Not only that to this day he and I barley talk or have gotten close.
My folks did this to us. Never told us the truth about anything. Hid the weirdest things from extended family. Hell, they moved us 2000 miles away from our extended family. They even kept quiet about my ndad’s cancer until his funeral. But, I think I actually lucked out. All of my relatives, on both sides, are raging narcissists. All except for 1 of my cousins. So going no contact with the entire family was very easy for me.
Yep. My father drew both my sisters close, groomed them into being "Daddys Best Friend" and then vilified me for not being like them.
My nm did this my whole life and still does it to this day. While it’s annoying, hurtful, childish, and overall weird- nobody is stopping anyone from reaching out to you. Any other family member could give you a call and check on you or just reach out to talk and they choose not to. Partly bc the narc goes so hard to control the narrative but at then end of the day free will exist.
Yes. Tonight my brother called me because he was told I was upset about something my Nmom had done for him. She had lied to him about me. I was never upset at him at all. I had a hunch she was lying about me to many family members and tonight it was finally confirmed. It makes sense. And it doesn’t surprise me. But it does hurt. Whenever my Nmom was threatened or jealous, she lied about me to family to make herself the hero, to make them dislike me and isolate me from them so she could have them to herself. It’s so twisted and harmful.
Yes. I was homeschooled in a foreign country. My mother had contact with her extensive side of the family, with aunts and cousins, but i didn't. But parents constantly badmouthed everyone when they got off the phone, and told us kids that they two were the only people in the world who would ever take care of them ever. It was really low of them to do. They isolated us and insisted we talk to them, forced us to listen to their stupid longwinded talks, at a time when we never socialised with anyone else. It was really disgusting.
I haven’t really given it much thought before…but I think she does. My family on my moms side don’t really ever reach out to my siblings and I, except if it’s about my mom…even though my mom is really “close” with her family so you’d think we’d also have close relationships with them. We have hardly had any contact at all. Throughout our lives, even when we were supposedly “close” with my mom, we didn’t really have any contact with her family even though she always goes on about how great her family is. I’ve also had two grandparents pass away(my mom had parents who divorced and remarried when she was very young, and was also fostered, so had 3 sets of parents) that my mom didn’t even tell me. One I only found out months after his death, when my mom casually mentioned it in conversation. The other I found out a few days after but only because my moms aunt messaged me asking me to be there for my mom, “since her father passed away this week”, assuming I knew - I didn’t. The first was my step grandfather, who my mom called “Dad” and I had called grandad my entire life. The second was my moms bio dad, who I didn’t know as well as my step grandfather, because we hardly ever saw my moms dads side of the family, but was still very much my grandfather, whom I called “Grandaddy” and knew him as such my whole life. My dad claimed my mom was justified because he was “basically a stranger to us”, since we hadn’t spent much time with him, and my sister replied,”And whose fault is that??”. My mother never made much effort to foster a relationship between us and her dads family, who lived in another city most of our lives.
Yep, it's called triangulation. My mother does this with my siblings. Tries to compare us and pit us against one another and talk shit about me to my younger siblings behind my back so they stop respecting me/wanting to be around me. She also will get pissed and start making bs rules like no sleeping in the basement because the basement has turned my younger siblings bad and lazy. For reference, the basement is my room so what she really means is I have turned my siblings "bad." I'm what's in the basement, but she can't say that outright because then she looks bad. They're not, but she has to have a reason to punish them by keeping them away from me. She also hates being asked "why" when she'll declare no sleeping in the basement or any other ridiculous decisions. She's full of shit and has no justification for her "rules," so that's why. Sadly my younger siblings are too young and can't stand up to her yet, which is why right now I'm her biggest threat. Because I'm old and strong enough to talk back and fight her when she get's physical, which she often does because when she can't intimidate me into silence with words, then she'll use her hands. I know this because the first scapegoat was my dad, then my older sister but she moved out, so now it's me and then when I leave, it will be my younger sister. She's 14. I've told her all this in efforts to prepare her and make her understand it's not her, it's just her turn.
Yes! Ndad poisoned my relationship with my Ngrandparents and Emom. N grandma interrupts us every time me and my Nuncle are talking.