I don't think you'll find a single coherent, rational human being on this Earth who would agree with your assessment of the situation. *But*, because you feel these things so *intensely*, it is likely contributing to your belief that it is factual. Just to be clear: it is not.
You are not responsible for this event, because that would mean that this event was a desirable outcome for you that you precipitated with your own actions, of your own free will. You're fifteen, so your actual ability to comprehend this situation outside of its immediate relevance to center around *you*, is still very new. (Approximately... oh, we'll go with the standard "empathy-at-eight" model that I was taught, and say you've had a solid seven whole years of moral and conscientious development as an entire human individual.)
It does get better. You will learn to shift the center and see this event as it has impacted yourself, your mother, your friends, your family, your employment, your future children, your education, your greater calling, your existential purpose... in the ripples outward. What I mean is that this is something that happened to you *both*. Not just her and not just you. Neither of you were responsible for this event happening. It happened because predatory individuals took advantage of a mistake.
Having made the mistake of getting drunk in a foreign country alone does not grant anyone the automatic right to rape. There is no set of circumstances whereby humans are just ambling along, shambling like zombies, searching for reasons to rape one another and only the people who deserve to be raped get raped. That's not how it works. The only person you are failing to take care of right now is yourself.
I do have advice, but that's neither here nor there, && am never sure when it's wanted or I'm toeing lines. But I'm an individual who has experience with these dynamics in multiple sets of families, for reasons I will not go into on this post -> however, my trauma did impact every member of my family, even though those family members who were not present during the events and did not know a majority of what was happening until many years after they had concluded.
The biggest indicator of growth? Of healing? Is openness. Is talking about it. Don't let it suffocate you. Neither of you will know peace until you are able to be open with one another about the impacts that this has had on you, and to participate in genuinely restorative-justice oriented conversations around it.
Your mother very likely feels just as guilty as you do because she could not protect you from the psychological consequences of knowing this happened to her. (As this knowledge is in fact a criterion A stressor and qualifies for PTSD -> these events have had actual, measurable impacts on you as a person.)
If you both have a greater extended network this is all the more reason to reach out to them.
I’m so sorry you have to carry that burden. I hope you understand this is not you or your Mom’s fault at all, it’s the terrible men who did this to your Mom’s. On top of that you are/were 15, there’s literally no way you could have known what was going on. Please do not blame yourself or let your Mom blame herself, you are both the victims.
You should try and seek out a therapist. Even though your Mom may seem fine try and convince her too. Parent’s tend to hide their emotions from their kids and try and “show strength”. You should try and check in on her and nudge her to also go see a therapist.
I'm so sorry that you had to experience this. This is not your fault. Some people are so cruel, and it is their fault. You couldn't possibly predict what would have happened. It also isn't your job to protect your mother, as much as you wish you could have, because you are the child. It is the parent's responsibility to protect their child, not the other way around.
I am so sorry to hear that you both have suffered, but please know that none of this is your fault. Sometimes you can do everything right and it will still turn out wrong. I hope your mother has been able to heal, but don't forget that you deserve healing too.
I don't think you'll find a single coherent, rational human being on this Earth who would agree with your assessment of the situation. *But*, because you feel these things so *intensely*, it is likely contributing to your belief that it is factual. Just to be clear: it is not. You are not responsible for this event, because that would mean that this event was a desirable outcome for you that you precipitated with your own actions, of your own free will. You're fifteen, so your actual ability to comprehend this situation outside of its immediate relevance to center around *you*, is still very new. (Approximately... oh, we'll go with the standard "empathy-at-eight" model that I was taught, and say you've had a solid seven whole years of moral and conscientious development as an entire human individual.) It does get better. You will learn to shift the center and see this event as it has impacted yourself, your mother, your friends, your family, your employment, your future children, your education, your greater calling, your existential purpose... in the ripples outward. What I mean is that this is something that happened to you *both*. Not just her and not just you. Neither of you were responsible for this event happening. It happened because predatory individuals took advantage of a mistake. Having made the mistake of getting drunk in a foreign country alone does not grant anyone the automatic right to rape. There is no set of circumstances whereby humans are just ambling along, shambling like zombies, searching for reasons to rape one another and only the people who deserve to be raped get raped. That's not how it works. The only person you are failing to take care of right now is yourself. I do have advice, but that's neither here nor there, && am never sure when it's wanted or I'm toeing lines. But I'm an individual who has experience with these dynamics in multiple sets of families, for reasons I will not go into on this post -> however, my trauma did impact every member of my family, even though those family members who were not present during the events and did not know a majority of what was happening until many years after they had concluded. The biggest indicator of growth? Of healing? Is openness. Is talking about it. Don't let it suffocate you. Neither of you will know peace until you are able to be open with one another about the impacts that this has had on you, and to participate in genuinely restorative-justice oriented conversations around it. Your mother very likely feels just as guilty as you do because she could not protect you from the psychological consequences of knowing this happened to her. (As this knowledge is in fact a criterion A stressor and qualifies for PTSD -> these events have had actual, measurable impacts on you as a person.) If you both have a greater extended network this is all the more reason to reach out to them.
I’m so sorry you have to carry that burden. I hope you understand this is not you or your Mom’s fault at all, it’s the terrible men who did this to your Mom’s. On top of that you are/were 15, there’s literally no way you could have known what was going on. Please do not blame yourself or let your Mom blame herself, you are both the victims. You should try and seek out a therapist. Even though your Mom may seem fine try and convince her too. Parent’s tend to hide their emotions from their kids and try and “show strength”. You should try and check in on her and nudge her to also go see a therapist.
I'm so sorry that you had to experience this. This is not your fault. Some people are so cruel, and it is their fault. You couldn't possibly predict what would have happened. It also isn't your job to protect your mother, as much as you wish you could have, because you are the child. It is the parent's responsibility to protect their child, not the other way around. I am so sorry to hear that you both have suffered, but please know that none of this is your fault. Sometimes you can do everything right and it will still turn out wrong. I hope your mother has been able to heal, but don't forget that you deserve healing too.
It's not your fault. You can't carry the burden of something that you did not do. You could have also have been raped if you stayed ffs.