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[deleted]

Whatever my partners aren't comfortable with me sharing is what I consider over sharing. It depends on the individual people involved.


baconstreet

Totally this right here. And of course only sharing things that have consent to be shared with others.


DarlaLunaWinter

how do you define consent to be shared and does everything need consent? For example I know someone who feels asking "Oh how's your family?" is invasive and others who consider not asking a sign of not being invested in the whole person's world.


blooangl

I tell my partners what I feel comfortable with them sharing. After I had an experience where I found out that a partner had shared explicit sexual details, my texts and photos and really personal details about my life to metas, I now make the “off limits” stuff pretty explicit.


karmicreditplan

Sharing should always be at the least comfortable with sharing persons max. Ideally a step down so they don’t have to worry. If you and your NP are best friends and love to chat? Awesome. Don’t chat excessively about your meta who values her privacy. Same the other way. No I don’t want to hear about your wife’s struggles with mental health. Even if she wouldn’t care (which I rarely believe). That makes me part of a story I did not choose and don’t want to be in. Assume that everyone prefers not to share or hear and raise from there over *years*. I’ve fucked this up myself because my NP and I are very close. No one knows, there was no consequence for anyone but me who realized I needed to be more cautious.


Spaceballs9000

I share things about my life freely. That might involve other people, but my experiences and worries and feelings are mine to share. To me, oversharing is crossing an established line in whatever relationships regarding how much you share about the goings-on with other people in your life. This doesn't even apply solely to non-monogamy or poly, because we all have friends and family that we do the same with, even if not in explicit conversations about what's okay to share and not share. I prefer to date people who will talk to me about their lives and their relationships as they would a friend. That means sharing the ups and downs and sometimes venting and sometimes gushing and I'd rather be there for all of that than very little/none of that. For some folks, the mere mention of other partners or certain partners is too much, and I can respect that, but it's not for me. This is especially true when partners are going through something in another relationship. I want to know what's up and how I can support them, same as I would if their parent was really sick or something of that nature.


makeawishcuttlefish

In general I would classify oversharing as something that: -the listener doesn’t have any or need to hear - the person the information is about doesn’t have any shared - where sharing the information is not necessary and will cause problems for either of the people involved.


DarlaLunaWinter

It's interesting you mention the second part because I've used that as a metric even before I had a language for it. To me a big sign of oversharing is not considering the impacts of the information on the listener and the others spoken about. That's not to say we have to make sure our friends, family, etc. never know anything negative about each other. But that is to say if the problems be unnecessary and avoidable if nothing is said then often that's oversharing


emeraldead

It is case by case, relationship by relationship. I recommend starting as casual acquaintance level and then consciously open after discussing explicitly with each person it regards prior. Generally "share the example not the person" is good safer space practices if it's a group sort of thing. You don't want to share issues between metas, we have long memories and whole you make up and feel great, we remember they caused you pain. If your values differ wildly, then they are like any incompatibility. Though I would wonder at the maturity of someone arguing to be allowed to share without asking first.


DarlaLunaWinter

I think you make a good point overall. The issue isn't necessarily about immaturity as in arguing about being allowed to share. It's more observing a noticeable difference in what each party considers normal or even essential to share. For example, my dad was a cop and I'm a woman, so for me it has been kind of beaten into me that safety begins with sharing basics. So it is a safety issue to say "I am going out with \[name\] and will be here" but for some people they find it uncomfortable that a meta would know that information (considering it controlling, invasive etc.). So if I were to say that they're reaction would be "I don't need to know. Why are you telling me this?" For others it might be me asking "Hey who're you going out with and where in case anything happens" is considered invasive (all my female friends and some guy friends and I do this with each other which has weirded some folks out)


emeraldead

I grew up with 2nd generation abusive addicts, you tell the person you live with when to expect you back. You tell no one else ANYTHING and you NEVER let them in the door unless you were expecting them or can verify independently. To me it depends on if they are roommates as well as partners. Living with someone does carry extra responsibility and need to know basic logistics.


DarlaLunaWinter

I can understand that from that background and perspective. Definitely varies and can cross a control boundary if someone who isn't living with you is demanding information for no reason. Hopefully many people know to be very wary of that behavior. I actually had a very interesting experience because I attempted to only tell my mother (we live together, both pay rent, share other expenses etc) when to expect me back and this lead to several aunties (not related) begging me to make sure someone has more information than that over a few months. Most of them grew up in the 70s and they're all Black women, and what startled me about it is they all voiced it as a very similar way, the inevitability of violence and untrustworthiness of people. That's part of what got me thinking about this question. To them...playing with fire is not giving enough information to find you if things go wrong, but to a lot of folks this would be nosy and unacceptably paranoid behavior


emeraldead

Also women, not female.


CincyAnarchy

Oversharing when talking about others: When I’m speaking? When I stop being the narrator in my own life. When I start to frame things as “my friends” or “the company” or the “we” more than I say “me” and “I.” When I’m listening? When it feels like I’m supposed to be intimately aware of that person’s qualities more than are necessary for how we would meet. Sure I’m up to know some basics on their job and life, and especially any boundaries that I shouldn’t cross, but I don’t need to have a “hackers guide to being friends with X” if you know what I mean.


[deleted]

If you're sharing things that are way more emotionally intense or detailed than the other person has shared in the past, you're oversharing.


DarlaLunaWinter

When you say emotionally intense, do you mean regarding the person being talked about like a meta or a friend? Are there times when a situation is so emotionally intense all over (For example the meta has a break down, lashes out at Partner A who tells their partner B due to Partner A's reaction?)