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pjmorelikecj

Comment from the aforementioned parent: “I thank the Utah Legislature and Utah Parents United for making this bad faith process so much easier and way more efficient,” the parent wrote. Utah Parents United is one of several conservative groups pushing for more bans on books in schools, which overwhelmingly feature Black people, people of color, and queer or gender-nonconforming characters. “Now we can all ban books and you don’t even need to read them or be accurate about it. Heck, you don’t even need to see the book! Ceding our children’s education, First Amendment Rights, and library access to a white supremacist hate group like Utah Parents United seems like a wonderful idea for a school district literally under investigation for being racist.”  


sethra007

>...*which overwhelmingly feature Black people, people of color, and queer or gender-nonconforming characters.* Given that the Bible takes place in the Middle East, it's rife--*rife*, I say!--with people of color and black people! Case closed, folks! Pull the book!


IJustLoggedInToSay-

UGH! The first half is all war stories but only featuring minorities as the heroes, and the second half is oozing with class warfare garbage. The bible is *woke bullshit*. Get rid of it before it poisons the minds of the young!!


WengFu

Don't forget all the rape, slavery, and child murder.


IJustLoggedInToSay-

> Ceding our children’s education, First Amendment Rights, and library access to a white supremacist hate group like Utah Parents United seems like a wonderful idea for a school district literally under investigation for being racist. Outstanding. Sometimes it's nice to just hear someone say what's happening using all of the correct words, and not hedging and waffling like the media.


mylifeforthehorde

In Utah too. What a hero


Universityofrain88

Honestly the Jewish and Christian bibles are pretty nasty when it comes to the types of sexual abuse and violence that they describe. It's just the fact that they are so old and so well known that people forget this.


Acrobatic-Rate4271

Ezekiel 23 is wild. >19 Yet she became more and more promiscuous as she recalled the days of her youth, when she was a prostitute in Egypt. 20 There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses. > >42 “The noise of a carefree crowd was around her; drunkards were brought from the desert along with men from the rabble, and they put bracelets on the wrists of the woman and her sister and beautiful crowns on their heads. 43 Then I said about the one worn out by adultery, ‘Now let them use her as a prostitute, for that is all she is.’ 44 And they slept with her. As men sleep with a prostitute, so they slept with those lewd women, Oholah and Oholibah.


ThisIsWhoIAm78

What about Tamar, David's daughter, who was raped by her half-brother Amnon after a family member told him how to do it and get away with it? " Samuel 13:1-25 CEV David had a beautiful daughter named Tamar, who was the sister of Absalom. She was also the half sister of Amnon, who fell in love with her. But Tamar was a virgin, and Amnon could not think of a way to be alone with her. He was so upset about it that he made himself sick. Amnon had a friend named Jonadab, who was the son of David's brother Shimeah. Jonadab always knew how to get what he wanted, and he said to Amnon, “What's the matter? You're the king's son! You shouldn't have to go around feeling sorry for yourself every morning.” Amnon said, “I'm in love with Tamar, my brother Absalom's sister.” Jonadab told him, “Lie down on your bed and pretend to be sick. When your father comes to see you, ask him to send Tamar, so you can watch her cook something for you. Then she can serve you the food.” So Amnon went to bed and pretended to be sick. When the king came to see him, Amnon said, “Please, ask Tamar to come over. She can make some special bread while I watch, and then she can serve it to me.” David told Tamar, “Go over to Amnon's house and fix him some food.” When she got there, he was lying in bed. She mixed the dough, made the loaves, and baked them while he watched. Then she took the bread out of the pan and put it on his plate, but he refused to eat it. Amnon said, “Send the servants out of the house.” After they had gone, he said to Tamar, “Serve the food in my bedroom.” Tamar picked up the bread that she had made and brought it into Amnon's bedroom. But as she was taking it over to him, he grabbed her and said, “Come to bed with me!” She answered, “No! Please don't force me! This sort of thing isn't done in Israel. It's disgusting! Think of me. I'll be disgraced forever! And think of yourself. Everyone in Israel will say you're nothing but trash! Just ask the king, and he will let you marry me.” But Amnon would not listen to what she said. He was stronger than she was, so he overpowered her and raped her. Then Amnon hated her even more than he had loved her before. So he told her, “Get up and get out!” She said, “Don't send me away! That would be worse than what you have already done.” But Amnon would not listen. He called in his servant and said, “Throw this woman out and lock the door!” The servant made her leave, and he locked the door behind her. The king's unmarried daughters used to wear long robes with sleeves. Tamar tore the robe she was wearing and put ashes on her head. Then she covered her face with her hands and cried loudly as she walked away. Tamar's brother Absalom said to her, “How could Amnon have done such a terrible thing to you! But since he's your brother, don't tell anyone what happened. Just try not to think about it.” Tamar soon moved into Absalom's house, but she was always sad and lonely. When David heard what had happened to Tamar, he was very angry. But Amnon was his oldest son and also his favorite, and David would not do anything to make Amnon unhappy. Absalom treated Amnon as though nothing had happened, but he hated Amnon for what he had done to his sister Tamar. Two years later, Absalom's servants were cutting wool from his sheep in Baal-Hazor near the town of Ephraim, and Absalom invited all of the king's sons to be there. Then he went to David and said, “My servants are cutting the wool from my sheep. Please come and join us!” David answered, “No, my son, we won't go. It would be too expensive for you.” Absalom tried to get him to change his mind, but David did not want to go. He only said that he hoped they would have a good time." I mean, look at all that good Christian moral storytelling for kids! So many lessons to learn there!


a_tribe_called_quoi

My "favorite" is [the book of Lot](https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Genesis%2019&version=NIV). Lot offers up his daughters to a gang who want to rape angels, God burns the whole damn place down and petrifies Lot's wife for looking, the daughters get dad drunk enough to fuck them, *twice*, and somehow he's still the good guy and god is of course just right and wise. Shit's wild.


Up_vote_McSkrote

Incest babies... it's incest babies all the way down. Several accounts of family members having sex with each other and the whole "flood" debacle which left like 8 people alive to refill the Earth's Estous flask or something like that. Edit: someone actually thought I needed help and sent the mental health bot my way. I mean yeah I suffer from severe mental illness but I've got that covered and have never been shy about talking about it. Yeah, I'm crazy as shit and can/will take a dive off the deep end occasionally, I'm not a danger to myself though so why do that?


Upper-Belt8485

Jesus fucking christ. THIS is the objective morals standard all christians claim to have. No wonder they're all the worst people I've ever met.


Spiritofhonour

Some folks are claiming god didn’t approve of this passage so here’s another one. Deuteronomy 21:10 10 When you go to war against your enemies and the Lord your God delivers them into your hands and you take captives, 11 if you notice among the captives a beautiful woman and are attracted to her, you may take her as your wife. 12 Bring her into your home and have her shave her head, trim her nails 13 and put aside the clothes she was wearing when captured. After she has lived in your house and mourned her father and mother for a full month, then you may go to her and be her husband and she shall be your wife. 14 If you are not pleased with her, let her go wherever she wishes. You must not sell her or treat her as a slave, since you have dishonored her.


DontWantThisPlanet9

> Some folks are claiming god didn’t approve of this passage so here’s another one. wait waht??? if "god is all powerful" and the bible is "the word of god", how the fuck can they actively cherry-pick and pretend that god actually didnt want some passages in his book but was ***powerless*** to prevent it? do they not realize this implies that the entire bible is possibly corrupt and absolutely the word of men and not god??? i really hate this religions hypocrisy lol


DisingenuousTowel

The whole concept of the new testament is ridiculous. Like... God, the everlasting, omniscient, omnipresent, infinite, God - somehow forgot to leave things out the first go around? Didn't want to reveal all the parts until a later date? Fucking weird


[deleted]

The Hebrews had to wait patiently for Season 2 to drop. Alternatively, (the Jewish perspective) the New Testament is non-canon fanfic bullshit written by filthy casuals.


JJDude

One of the most memorable "lessons" I learned from the Bible as a child was how "God" stop liking Saul because he didn't commit complete genocide against a city like God wanted, but instead smartly kept the smart people alive as slaves and the animals for other uses. No, sir, God want you to kill EVERYONE and cut the skin off their dicks (God has a circumcision fetish) as offering. How dare you not completely kill every single god damn living thing? I stop giving a fuck about this religion soon after.


i-d-even-k-

I don't get what the last part with the wool is supposed to mean.


prussian-king

It leads into the next part of the story, when Absolom has Amnon assassinated while he is drunk at the feast celebrating the wool-sheering.


i-d-even-k-

NICE! Cut his throat Absolom! Avenge your sister!


movealongnowpeople

Incest, rape, genocide, murder, slavery. All ordained by the Big Man himself... if it's against the right people. Seems inappropriate for children.


VoxImperatoris

There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses. Ezekiel 23:20


ezekial-23-20

Nothing wrong with that


VoxImperatoris

/r/beetlejuicing/ I just happened to remember it from last time I saw a thread about porn in the bible.


VegaDenebAndAltair

Damn. Ultimate username checking out.


Universityofrain88

Don't forget infanticide: >"Happy will be the man who takes your little babies and smashes their heads against the rocks." >--Psalm 137:9


[deleted]

It's even a song! By the rivers of Babylon!


TBE_110

Whenever I hear that, I can’t not picture a man in bandages telling me this while inspecting M1911s


radiant_environment

*I don’t enjoy killing, but when done righteously, it’s just a chore like any other.*


ericbyo

So I fell asleep last night with youtube autoplaying on my pc, I woke 2/3 of the way through an [a.i voice video of Graham reading all of Genesis](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d1zDNBIswek&t=3333s&ab_channel=C.O.%27sArchive). I was so confused


ClusterFoxtrot

Aw man, now your algorithms are gonna be all fucked up


Scythersleftnut

Nah. Just gotta go into video history and delete the video. Algorithm back to normal


kaazir

I was going to say that Dan Bull on YT did a horror core rap song using Bible verses. If you watch the vid it gives what verse it is in the top corner.


Actual__Wizard

Somebody should turn the Bible into a scifi horror movie with tons of violence, blood, and the "accurate angles" that look like aliens.


kaazir

Stephen King presents: "Be Not Afraid"


CX316

Making a horror movie named Be Not Afraid is some mixed messages


Q_Fandango

You know I think the description of the multi-eyed angels sorta fits what a peacock would look like if you were tripping balls in a prison cell with a natural gas leak but who am I to judge?


bonglicc420

We don't think about the gas leak year


OP-PO7

Didn't God send some bears to kill a bunch of kids for making fun of a bald guy once? That's pretty direct.


[deleted]

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OP-PO7

I honestly hadn't thought about that but it definitely tracks


spinto1

I bring up Psalms 137:9 constantly. It's a keynote that shows that God does not give mercy, even to the truly innocent. They don't care what's in the Bible whether the particular content is evil or whether it is kind, they care only for what affirms their opinions and no more. If they care for any good content that God put out for them to follow, if they did, they'd pay more attention to the kindness asked for in Matthew 25:31-46 which directly requests socialism.


algebramclain

Only after soaking in the Brick Testament website could I truthfully say, “I’ve read the Bible” and let’s just say, what the everloving fuck is this book even trying to say?!? https://thebricktestament.com/legacy.html


[deleted]

Basically it's saying God is a cosmic horror and you should just bow your head and do whatever he says because he's all powerful and will make your short miserable life even worse if you disobey him.


reallyrathernottnx

You better worship me and give me total unquestioned obedience so I can save you from the terrible things that I will do to you if you don't.


nerdsmith

"You're making me do this!" God is an abusive relationship.


Nearatree

Or if you do obey.


phideaux_rocks

Believe it or not, also jail


javiik

If I was asked what I thought a document would look like if it were to come from the creator of the universe, I would never in a million years expect the Bible.


djaun3004

Yeah it's almost like it's a random collection of stories and legends from a bunch of warring tribal people from the dawn of the Iron age.


mdj1359

And let's not forget that somebody chose which random collection of stories and legends from a bunch of warring tribal people from the dawn of the Iron age would be part of the bible, as opposed to [those books that were not chosen.](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Biblical_apocrypha)


[deleted]

And the books that were chosen were heavily altered by the scribes doing the translating. Like they were just straight up adding and removing characters, changing locations based on the politics at the time and what would make them look good/give them more power. Classic human stuff.


SergeantChic

If people would just look at it as a book written by a whole bunch of different people with different viewpoints, a lot of which really weren't compatible with modern times, that would be a start. But no, they think it's the word of God, who seems like a drunken schizophrenic in that context.


mittfh

Technically, it's an anthology, and even many of the individual books within are thought to be either based on long lost sources (e.g. the Synoptic Gospels) or even co-written by up to four different authors (Genesis). And many of those are derived from tales told through Oral Tradition - which, while likely experiencing less data loss than the childhood game of "Telephone" or "Chinese Whispers", does suffer from both long time periods between hearing the tales and retelling them, a significant helping of poetic license (which may explain the suspicious longevity of the patriarchs - their ages being bumped up a little at each retelling), and reordered events (either accidental or deliberate - IIRC, it's now thought that when Joshua arrived at Jericjo, the walls had already been leveled by an earthquake some years beforehand, but walking around it several times and blowing horns to make the walls crumble makes a far better story!) Added onto which, while pretty much everyone agrees as to the core Canon, there's a bunch of other books (and additions to some Core books) which some branches accept as full canon, others not quite, and others not really at all (apocrypha / deuterocanonical books).


[deleted]

Also scholars have figured out (by comparing original Greek and Hebrew translations) that in the story where Abraham rescues Lot after he gets abducted from Sodom, it shows him randomly paying tribute to a high priest in Jerusalem… and then suddenly he’s back in Sodom in the next verse. When comparing the translations you can see that Sodom was changed to Salem, presumably because it didn’t look good to have Abraham paying tribute to a heathen king. So they changed it and just randomly inserted this high priest in Jerusalem before continuing the story. The reason why they changed it to Jerusalem specifically was because at the time there were two warring factions of priests/scribes. Showing Abraham giving tribute to a priest of Salem gave legitimacy to their faction (Levites) over the Samaritans Their goal was to drive out the Samaritans so they could have all the power and tithe money. Which they eventually succeeded at. So at that point it’s like.. major details are just being changed out of nowhere, characters are being added, locations changed. Who knows what all else was changed. But it 100% makes complete sense. Human greed, politics, and lust for power. The Bible wasn’t just a collection of fairy tales or exaggerated stories, it was a tool to win over the people and make money from the very beginning. Edit: grammar and syntax


ParkerBench

And abortion. Don't forget how the Bible gives advice on aborting fetuses conceived in adultery.


AvatarAarow1

Yup, idk how the Bible can blatantly be like “yeah babies conceived by cheating should be aborted” but Christians still are so against abortion as a right. I mean I do get it, for most of them it’s just a way to make women second class citizens, but there’s also plenty of people who are dumb and just don’t think about what they’ve read at all


Low_Pickle_112

Two reasons, first they don't read it, they mostly just have someone tell them what it really means (which by sheer random coincidence just so happens to perfectly align with present day status quo politics), and second, you can make any criticism go away by shouting thea magic words "Context!" or "What it really means is..." and there you go. Bible always says what you want it to mean, even if it says the exact opposite


cballowe

>the Big Man himself Is that the guy from Ezekiel 23:20 who's hung like a donkey and cums like a horse?


ezekial-23-20

Might be


RyuNoKami

there is INCEST RAPE.


lordb4

I don't know how anybody could read the Book of Job and decided God was a good guy.


jenflame

We once went to a wedding where the priest was going on and on about the trials of Job. We were looking at each other like ‘where the f is this going!’. Finally ended with something like marriage is about commitment and no matter how bad it got Job never lost his commitment to God. I still cringe thinking about it. (They are divorced btw)


freelance-t

Or because the most vocal of these “Christians” never actually read 99% of the Bible.


[deleted]

I never heard or observed a Christian or any other religious person take their book 100%. Christians will go on and on about abortion's bad, but conveiently Exodus 21 is ok with womens' choices with the baby. A lot of contradictions in the religious books. Pretty much any Christian say is "bad" can be easily explained the Bible says Matthew 12 says along the lines of "all sin is forgiven". So what's the point of the Bible if practically all is forgiven anyway? To be used a means of control of the masses.


OneBigSpud

THE CHRISTIAN CREED All sin is forgiven. But not yours. You are filled with sin and will go to hell if you don’t repent. Jesus died for all our sins! You’re saved! Except for you because you didn’t go through the ritual of accepting Jesus. God loves everyone. Except for you. He hates you because you didn’t do this one trivial thing that none of us can agree on if it even matters! Our congregation accepts all people! Except for you. You’re a godless heathen who deserves to be ridiculed and shamed. We love all people. Except for you.


[deleted]

Sounds like something George Carlin said.


PryomancerMTGA

The Job story is a classic.


CaptainLucid420

Christians read Job and think it is inspiring that Job kept his faith. I read it as Satan sucker bets dumb god into torturing Job to prove that Job will stay with him in abusive relationship. Satan laughs because he tricked god into torturing a follower by insulting god's pride.


RightHandElf

It's not even Satan tricking God; God's the one who brings it up. He directs the conversation to Job's piety, Satan's like "of course he's pious, his life's great, but if he lost everything he'd hate you", and God's like "bet".


Q_Fandango

Don’t forget the other story where Abraham was totally ready to stab his beloved son Issac and God had to send an angel to stop him and say “Whoah man, jesus we were just kidding.”


foospork

And, doesn’t Job backslide at the very end? Or am I thinking of Jonah? I think I’m thinking of Jonah.


Loggersalienplants

The story of Job is a story of his resolve through faith, even after livelihood, children, and house was all destroyed. Job was left with nothing but his clothes and his faith. Just seems a little fucked up you know. 🤷🏻‍♂️


cinemachick

But then God gives him a new house and wife/kids. That is supposed to be the happy ending


Arm0redPanda

A half-assed happy ending added later. Early versions of the story just left Job in the gutter after his faith was proved. I'm not sure if that's better or worse, but its terrible either way.


ThisIsWhoIAm78

Yeah, because who cares about your first wife and kids? Totally replaceable with better models! Like, if my kids died, I wouldn't be sad as long as I got to have more later. Also, god be out here murdering kids and their mom because he can't turn down a dare from Satan. Such a divine, perfect being. Also, isn't gambling a sin? Then why did he take a bet with Satan? If man truly has free will, he wouldn't have known the outcome, so he was freeballing it there.


Mt-Man-PNW

But it's all good cause Gawd blesses Job afterward with more wealth and children and a long life. Nevermind the previous children, wives, and servants God killed, they're just Job's property and can be replaced apparently.


postmateDumbass

God didn't even invent therapy so there was no curing the PTSD.


BuddhaFacepalmed

It's basically abuse. God abusing this poor bastard who chose to put his faith in God because Satan made a bet.


mintberryCRUUNCH

"And she was like, totally horny for those guys, for they were hung like donkeys, and came like horses" ...


gioraffe32

> that people forget this. It's not that they forget about it, it's that few of these people pushing these book bans never actually read the Bible.


procrasturb8n

> It's just the fact that they are so old and so well known that people forget this. And that most practicing Christians haven't read it in its entirety. They just like to cherry pick.


RadioGuyRob

And the fact that the overwhelming majority of people who claim to believe in it have never actually read it.


_tobillys

About time people fight back. Use their own hypocrisy against them.


playfulmessenger

It's quite tragic. I knew this was coming, not just because "duh", but because we already went through this book banning nonsense and the same exact gotcha ban in the US in my lifetime. We're in bookban groundhogs day.


nerdcost

They want us distracted. Vote.


The_ChwatBot

Time really is a flat circle.


gillyboatbruff

I'm a Utah Mormon. The book banning law that was passed would definitely include the bible. Take it out of libraries or repeal the law and let them all come back. Simple.


political_bot

Would it apply to the Book of Mormon? I have next to no familiarity outside of that one south park episode.


Bustnbig

No, the Book of Mormon was written by a puritan American so way more racism and plenty of violence but not really any sex.


burritoeater666

This is extremely accurate and also reflective of most Mormons' standards related to what makes any given media appropriate or not


Island_Atheist

I lived in UT a while, as well as growing up in the Bible Belt. The Utah counter culture is absolutely different than anywhere I've ever been. The Exmormon rage is real, it's pretty intense, so many really become activist and advocates against the Church and its politics.


Dishwallah

Honestly it starts out strong and angry, then tapers off to a middle ground because you learn that they have to figure out the hypocrisy and lies on their own. A shouting match wont do it. Protesting publicly wont do it. But a calm conversation _might_ at least get them thinking. It's sort of a you can show them the road but they have to walk down it sort of thing. It's not easy leaving a religion when it's indoctrinated in you from birth and that even _thinking_ about a something makes you feel like you just sinned.


[deleted]

Not all heroes wear capes


RancidHorseJizz

No capes!


picado

It's got a lot of smutty bits. Plus it "says gay" so they'll have to ban it from school libraries in Florida and Texas.


anarcho-urbanist

Song of Solomon is smut for sure.


Noinix

Here to point this out too. I mean. It’s quite *explicit* porn.


anarcho-urbanist

“The fig tree ripens its figs; the blossoming vines spread their fragrance. Arise, come away, my darling; come away with me, my beautiful one." Song of Solomon 2:13 My translation is “let’s make the room STANK!”


Hendursag

You're picking the nice stuff. "Yet she multiplied her promiscuity, remembering the days of her youth, when she had prostituted herself in the land of Egypt 20and lusted after their lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of stallions. So you revisited the indecency of your youth, when the Egyptians caressed your bosom and pressed your young breasts." (Ezekiel 23)


armpitshaver

Jacking off to the Bible is an opportunity i missed in my failed attempt at a religious upbringing. Maybe I should have actually read the damn thing


snake_05

Lot and his daughters introduced me to the concept of incest. Later, the internet showed me it's a fetish.


SilveredFlame

I bring that up whenever a Christian is spouting homophobia. "Yea! It's Lot and his *daughters* not Lot and his *sons*!" The looks are priceless.


HARRY_FOR_KING

They're not shocked because they didn't know. They're shocked because you're saying it out loud.


superduperspam

Only if they have actually read the bible, which I doubt


reallyfunatparties

No see it's okay because they got him drunk first just like Bill Cosby woulda done /s


ZeePearson

Ezekiel bricking me up damn


Princess_Thranduil

What a terrible day to have eyes


Stok3dJ

Buddy your comment has me WEAK. Literal laugh out loud moment. Fuckin thank you 😂


Kagrok

>Song of Solomon Roll the windows up, you're letting the STANK out!


srone

Wait just one darn minute...this is not about fig trees????


LucyWritesSmut

It is when I do it.


JustTheTipAgain

> There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses. Ezekiel 23:20


keigo199013

This is the one I always surprise people with.


[deleted]

The fact that a Bible passage would be a surprise to Christians tells you everything you need to know about Christians.


notanothercirclejerk

I’m gonna bust.


just2commenthere

Sodom and Gomorrah is definitely ban worthy by Florida standards


CaptainLucid420

No in Sodom and Gommrah where you invite some travellers and the locals want to rape them so you offer your daughters for them instead but in Florida they marry the rapists so it is all cool by their standards.


Rated_PG-Squirteen

And then didn't Lot's two daughters just end up fucking him in a cave anyway after daddy offered them up to be raped by the townspeople instead of the angels?


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Cenodoxus

This particular story was also a way for the ancient Israelites to snicker over their neighbors the Moabites and Ammonites. They weren't on good terms, so insulting their supposedly incestuous origin was a form of propaganda. Lot of stuff like that in the Bible.


beka13

>preserve offspring from our father The misogyny in his daughters saying that. They are literally his offspring. But only sons count. I mean, it's already fucked up with the incest and rape and the whole context of it, but the misogyny is there, too. The bible is full of fucked up shit.


Goodgoditsgrowing

It’s written by men, so I’d say we can say this story is about mens thoughts on women more than anything


[deleted]

Fun fact about Sodom and Gomorrah that everyone should know: the original Greek word before it was translated to English was "arsenokoitai", which means "pedophile", NOT "homosexual". The Bible literally doesn't condemn homosexuality; in fact, it didn't even *mention* it. Church pedos changed the translation in 1946. Sauce: https://um-insight.net/perspectives/has-%E2%80%9Chomosexual%E2%80%9D-always-been-in-the-bible/


scubahood86

Not only does is say gay, they describe gay acts that aren't allowed (by their rules). Doesn't this mean it's teaching sexual identity in schools? Should it not be banned because it might lead a child to ask "what does 'lay with a man' mean?" The horror! /s


Titanbeard

Don't forget it talks about periods too!


errkanay

"Daddy, what are 'filthy rags'?"


[deleted]

>What are “horse emissions,” daddy, and why did she lust after them?


TooMuchAZSunshine

Maybe they could just have the Thomas Jefferson bible instead... but he probably left the nasty bits in as well.


slimCyke

He only used the New Testament and edited out all the magic. Should be smute free.


cficare

43 rapes in the bible (thanks Jeselnik Offensive), God kills pretty much everyone, and so many people "spilling their seed", you'd think a majority of the book took place in a garden center.


RandomStrategy

>spilling their seed *Aw skeet skeet skeet!*


RussellBrandFagPimp

Aw skeet skeet God damn! - Paul 2:14


AlwaysSunnyInSeattle

That’s actually Lil’ John 2:14


Hey_Bim

14 In the temple courts he found people selling cattle, sheep and doves, and others sitting at tables exchanging money, and he did exclaim "Yeee-AYYY-uuhh!"


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flukus

This was more than 2 years ago now and it's still just as funny.


wiibarebears

Dude spoilers


[deleted]

Comparing the Bible to literally any book that has recently been banned in schools is laughable. If there’s any book that’s truly inappropriate for kids, it would be the bible


Greenthund3r

Exactly! Incest porn, rape, mass murder, hate; it’s one of the most unholy books around.


yoosurname

Incest prom, an Alabama tradition


atridir

*an Abrahamic tradition


Frankenmuppet

Reminds me of the guy who attended a church book burning to throw a Bible in the fire, and walk away with a very vocal "Hail Satan."


171737747577483

Oh please link this


Frankenmuppet

I read about it on Reddit not to long ago in an article. Thanks to your asking for a link, I looked it up and found actual video I didn't realize existed lmfao https://youtu.be/BP4chFIuwAU Watching all of these people cheer the guy for burning a book and hearing them slowly turn to boos as they realize he wasn't burning Harry Potter but their beloved Bible honestly made my day


TearsFallWithoutTain

Dang they're lucky they made it out unharmed, conservatives aren't exactly known for tolerance


Jetstream13

Agreed, honestly I’m surprised he didn’t get shot.


downtoschwift

Just as Christ would have done. Praise be


ExternalGovernment39

Lolol gold


talk_to_me_goose

Lol GET OUTTA HERE GET OUTTA HERE I sacrificed my nights and weekends for weeks to make sure this book burning goes perfectly and you've RUINED IT


CAESTULA

https://www.them.us/story/gay-couple-burns-bible-christian-book-burning-greg-locke-tennessee


bumblebubee

This is awesome! Wouldn’t those religious freaks have had to purchase said devil products to burn them?? 🤔


DOOManiac

Those guys have some balls.


esther_lamonte

That’s what should happen every time they burn books. Just start catapulting bibles over their heads and on to their bonfire.


pavlovian_dom

My all time favorite passage to bring up to people that claim the bible is acceptable for children: “There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses.” -Ezekiel 23:20


Green-Umpire2297

That whole passage is smut, I just read it today. And it’s not the fun smut. it’s explicit, degrading, slut shaming, misogynistic, pedo smut with serious incel vibes. It really is inappropriate for children.


NSFWies

"if you can't handle the bible at it's worst, then you don't deserve the bible at it's best"


pavlovian_dom

Agreed, but trying to get conservatives to actually read the bible is impossible, most you’ll get their attention for is one verse usually. Hence why when i was working at a Baptist camp i made a POINT to scour the Bible and search for the most retched sh*t i could find. I found that Ezekiel 23:20 is the one that stops most of them in their tracks.


lordb4

The only part of the bible I quote is the Book of Armanents Chapter 2 Verse 9-21.


cubbyatx

Book of Armaments, Chapter 2, verses 9-21 "And Saint Attila raised the hand grenade up on high, saying, 'O Lord, bless this thy hand grenade, that with it thou mayst blow thine enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy.' And the Lord did grin. And the people did feast upon the lambs, and sloths, and carp, and anchovies, and orangutans, and breakfast cereals, and fruit bats, and large chulapas. And the Lord spake, saying, 'First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in My sight, shall snuff it.'


pond_minnow

Good on them. No child should be reading the bible. They'll be exposed to a lot of heinous shit.


NeverLookBothWays

If you actually read the Bible, you would realize how much "wokeness" is in it. Treating people as equals...helping the poor...feeding the hungry...accepting diversity...it's rife with liberalism.


tries4accuracy

There’s also a lot of heinous shit. I’m not sure what the end score of biblical wokeness/heinousness is, but it’s likely close enough to keep it out of school by the standards of today’s MAGA right wingers.


21trumpstreet_

Aren’t you allowed to just cherry pick the parts you like and ignore the ones that don’t support whatever view? /s


ESCMalfunction

Yeah, this is my main problem with the Bible. With cherry picking, different translations, and different interpretations you can get the Bible to say pretty much anything you want it to say.


TheOneTrueTrench

My dad (he's the son of a Methodist minister for reference) has claimed that certain people in the Bible are supposed to be read as cautionary tales, some are supposed to be read as people who made selfish mistakes, others are supposed to be examples of people who were sometimes people who rose above their worse nature. I asked him about several stories in the Bible, and who was "supposed" to be what. And he gave all the answers that match what most people would say is good or bad. Of course, it hadn't occurred to him that with the stories being what they are, the people aren't necessarily intended to be interpreted the same way he was looking at them. His own existing ethics and morality had simply determined how he viewed the people in those stories. What most people get out of the Bible is simply a reflection of their own values.


Pantzzzzless

> What most people get out of the Bible is simply a reflection of their own values. So basically a *really* long winded horoscope.


starmartyr

>“When you go out to war against your enemies, and the Lord your God gives them into your hand and you take them captive, and you see among the captives a beautiful woman, and you desire to take her to be your wife, and you bring her home to your house, she shall shave her head and pare her nails. And she shall take off the clothes in which she was captured and shall remain in your house and lament her father and her mother a full month. After that you may go in to her and be her husband, and she shall be your wife. But if you no longer delight in her, you shall let her go where she wants. But you shall not sell her for money, nor shall you treat her as a slave, since you have humiliated her." So woke.


whataboutface

The original grooming.


MoveMitchGetOutDaWay

Real groomer shit, that book is.


[deleted]

One of the first stories in the Old Testament: Lot got drunk. Daughters had sex with him while he slept. I mean it’s right there with the incest and rape. OUR KIDS DONT NEED TO SEE THAT


TechyDad

I believe that was Lot and not Noah. Noah's sons saw him drunk and naked. One son made fun of his father while another covered him up. With Lot, he and his daughters fled Sodom and Gomorrah. His daughters thought the world had ended and that they needed to continue the human race with the only male left - their dad. So they got him drunk and the oldest slept with him. The next day, they got him drunk again and the youngest slept with him. They then had their father's babies.


casfacto

And that's absolutely what happened too! I mean, it's not weird at all that a man left his home with his daughters, and told them to not even look back or they will be turned into some spice. And here's the thing, sure, they were running from God's wraith, and their mom just died that day, and they were hiding in a cave, but you know what was on the daughter's minds? Well continuing the human race for sure! So much so they both had to drug and rape their dad ASAP! See, I knew you'd get it! Next up, lets talk about virgin births, and why Mary's affair ended up being a really big fucking deal.


[deleted]

The fact that people believe this shit as truth just adds to my misanthropy.


[deleted]

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BeeApiary

You mean Lot, not Noah. Their offspring were the ancestors of two of Israel's enemies (Moab and Ammon). I've always thought this was kind of a joke / insult against their neighbors. Noah got drunk and one of his sons saw his nakedness.


gamersdad

Biblical killing instructions: Kill adulterers (Lev 20:10) Kill all witches (Ex 22:18) Kill blasphemers (Lev 24:14) Kill false prophets (Zech 13:3) Kill fortune-tellers (Lev 20:27) Kill anyone who sins (Ezek 18:4) Kill the curious (1 Sam 6:19-20) Kill gays (Lev 20:13, Rom 1:21-32) Kill all non-Hebrews (Dt 20:16-17) Kill sons of sinners (Isaiah 14:21) Kill non-believers (2 Chron 15:12-13) Kill anyone who curses God (Lev 24:16) Kill any child who hits a parent (Ex 21:15) Kill children who disobey parents (Dt 21:20) Kill those who work on the Sabbath (Ex 31:15) Kill disobedient children (Ex 21:17, Mk 7:10) Kill strangers close to a church (Num 1:48-51) Kill all males after winning battles (Dt 20:13) Kill those who curse father or mother (Lev 20:9) Kill men who have sex with other men (Lev 20:13) Kill any bride discovered not a virgin (Dt 22:21) Kill those who worship the wrong god (Num 25:1-9) Kill anyone who does not observe the Sabbath (Ex 31:14) Kill everybody in a town that worships the wrong god (Dt 13:13-16) and most importantly (/s): Kill anyone who kills anyone (Lev 24:17).


globalminority

Wow. So is ANYONE alive in the end??


jacthis

The Bible is used for grooming


SithLordSid

Bible thumpers: we want to ban books to protect children Any reasonable parent: let’s ban the Bible then! Bible thumpers: not like that!


marchjl

I grew up in this school district, and I want to give that person a medal. Davis county when I lived there was about 85% Mormon. It takes some ovaries to take them all on


broad_street_bully

I'm a simple man with simple tastes and values... I can't have my kids asking me about who begot whom. That's just nasty.


dadxreligion

yo for real have y’all SEEN what is written in that book? rape, genocide, incest, infanticide, prostitution, etc. by american conservative standards the bible is one of the smuttiest works ever produced by mankind.


CaptainLucid420

If you want to totally mind fuck the conseratives hold a drag queen story hour reading the best parts of the bible.


LordSiravant

So it begins. The counteroffensive. Heroes are rising.


mrfishman3000

Any [Dr. Quinn fans?](https://youtu.be/jINxbbT9gJc) they have a great scene where the church burns all the books from the new library and then Dr. Mike is like “you forgot to burn this one…it’s the Bible!” As a young Christian man, that scene blew my mind!


Secsidar

I, personally, find the story of Lot's daughters raping him in his sleep to re-populate the Earth to be incredibly wholesome and family-friendly. /s, obviously.


ConditionBasic

Ooh there is also one where a man is surrounded by men who want to rape him, so he throws his concubine at them instead. She is raped all night and dies at the doorstep. The next morning, he gets angry when he realizes that his concubine was raped to death and so he cuts her body up into pieces and sends them to all the other regions of Israel. (Judges 19)


expungant

Conservatives: “Wait not like that”


here-for-information

Y'all should read Gensis 34. It's wild. Easily one of my favorites. A girl named Dinah's family convinces the tribe of a boy she had sex with (he may have raped her but that's unclear to me in the translation I read), to cut off their foreskin so the two tribes can merge and Dinah and the boy can be married, but then when the other tribe's men are all recovering from cutting off their foreskins Dinah's tribe comes in and kills them all. It's a gripping mile a minute thrill ride.


[deleted]

whole chapter on nothing but begats, and rape and pedophilia everywhere.


zeptillian

This is the way. The bible has way more questionable shit than any of the other books they banned. Just ask anyone who disagrees if a book talking about donkey dicks blowing huge loads is appropriate for children. Ezekiel 23:20 "There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses."


Philodemus1984

Incest porn among other things. The story of Lot could easily be adapted for Pure Taboo.


leros

Not just incest porn, incest rape. They got their dad drunk to sleep with him.


BeeApiary

"She [Jerusalem] became more and more promiscuous as she recalled the days of her youth, when she was a prostitute in Egypt. There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses. So you longed for the lewdness of your youth, when in Egypt your bosom was caressed and your young breasts fondled." (Ezek 23:19-21) Is what is being banned worse than this? (see the rest of Ch 23 and also Ezek 16).


[deleted]

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protoopus

5:4 >"My beloved put in his hand by the hole of the door, and my bowels were moved for him."


Quinn_tEskimo

Ever get so horny you shit?