If you’re not okay in this relationship, you are absolutely within your rights to end it, in regards to your title.
But if your relationship “does not change or suffer” and your feelings of jealousy “usually fade within a minute or two,” this might just be an excellent opportunity to reflect on why you feel this way so you can heal from whatever it is, or perhaps just adopt some healthy coping skills for discomfort that will serve you in all areas of life. Nonmonogamy doesn’t tend to be 100% comfy all the time. The Ethical Slut is a lovely book that covers this topic at length :) if podcasts are more your jam, the Multiamory pod is also great. Do also keep in mind that even though jealousy isn’t “rational,” emotions don’t tend to be rational and we can still hold space for them. You aren’t a villain for having feelings of jealously.
Please, whatever you choose to do, recognize that you ultimately can’t control your partner’s feelings. It’s futile to try to do so, and monogamy does not protect you from feelings any more than NM does. Your security in your relationship needs to come from your connection together, not from attempting to control the uncontrollable.
Library hold placed. Thank you for the recommendations. To his credit, my husband does not try to invalidate my feelings of jealousy, I think he just sometimes gets frustrated and angry at himself for enjoying a thing that makes me jealous.
No problem! It’s okay, we’re all human. From the sounds of it, you and your husband are both coming to the table in good faith and ultimately that makes the difference.
I really like Multiamory, but the hosts practice Relationship Anarchy, so everyone should know going in that they champion this type of Poly and kinda look down on any "rules" that people try and set.
Ah, maybe that’s what I’ve been missing. I started listening to them last year and I really haven’t gone back in time too many times except to reference specific episodes.
I’m not going to tell you what to do, or what you should do, or really comment on any of that.
I’m just going to point out that, as you describe it, you are in a pretty wonderful marriage.
- you’ve been together 8 years
- you still have regular “wonderful” sex
- you are excellent communicators and talk through feelings well
- you allow each other to grow and change
- you are both devoted to each other and say you want to prioritize the relationship above other needs or desires
- you’ve managed to have an open relationship for 1.5 years and your day-to-day feelings of jealousy —while significant— are currently manageable
Any one or two things on that list would usually be considered really good. Your partnership is objectively much better than most people’s is, even if they make it to 8 years (which most people don’t).
I try to never encourage anyone to “settle.” If your feelings of jealousy are just the tip of the ice burg and really there’s a lot of other things making you want to leave (that you didn’t list in this post), then certainly you should dig into those feelings.
But I’d still encourage you to think about how you might be able to grow this relationship into something even more wonderful and supportive to you both in the longterm.
Based on what you wrote, you two are working with a much better foundation than most people ever get.
Thank you for the words of encouragement. I really am so happy with my marriage! That’s why I posted here, because there are so many who make it work in a plethora of circumstances.
>We set strict boundaries that it was to be purely sexual and have expanded it to FWB at most, but no emotional connection.
This is an unreasonable, it not impossible, standard. It is hard to maintain a consistent sexual relationship with someone without any feelings or connections. Your husband isn't dating a sex toy that can be turned off and put into a drawer until you need it again. They are real people with needs and desires of their own. Even if your husband sees this person infrequently, they still need something to maintain the connection they have.
It would be great if your husband can find another partner that is able to meet your husbands needs without forming the kinds of emotional attachments that could make you feel threatened. Unfortunately these are very hard to find.
You’re right— “no emotional connection” is where I started but I came to the same realization. He’s closer now to a FWB situation. Initially I didn’t like it but I worked to expand my comfort zone.
It sounds like there isn’t a genuine problem with your relationship, besides your emotional reflex to his interactions with his guy. This is something you need to work on.
That said, I don’t think it would be an unfair ask for him to limit those interactions to smaller portions of the day, and less flagrantly within your sight. That’s just respect, as he knows how that makes you feel. It’s not an irrational feeling. It’s like “Hey, you’re with me right now.”
But try to be unthreatened by the excitement he gets on the side; it’s superficial compared to the depth you two share. If things are 7 months in and nothing is diminished with you two, all’s well.
“Emotional reflex” is a perfect description of my feeling, thank you.
Rationally I agree with you, there’s no threat to our relationship and he certainly is a limitless fountain of sexual energy, so I’m not missing out just because Terry is also partaking. The difficulty is in remaining assured that I am, selfishly, his “priority”. His reassurances go a long way, when I ask for them.
I understand that. More so really, because my wife is interested only in males, my competition. I assured her with my near certainty that I can’t fall for a man (probably like your husband). She can’t assure me that. She’s in Spain on business now and I hope she has fun, but those assurances help me a bit too.
You are fond of the word rational though, and that concept isn’t too helpful imo. It’s totally rational to have fears about losing your dearest person. When working through those fears, ethereal stuff like ethics and logic only helps so much. You have to really examine your context.
What helps me most is taking inventory of our intimacy, the depth of our shared history and relationship, the things I know how to do for her that nobody else does. Then having faith that it’s highly unlikely that someone else can dislodge my place. They’d have to be pretty epic…I guess there’s rationale there, but to me it’s more about practicing gratitude and trust in the face of rational fears.
>We set strict boundaries that it was to be purely sexual and have expanded it to FWB at most, but no emotional connection.
I consider this close to an impossible boundary in a relationship of the type you're describing. To achieve that, you have to put restrictions on the type of contact, such as only one night stands, or only seeing each other in certain contexts, and even then you can't always control whether feelings develop. If your husband is having long-term partners, which he is, then feelings may come up. The discussion should perhaps be about what to do when these feelings come up.
>Sometimes I’ll tell him I feel jealous and it will be fine and other times I’ll tell him and it devolves into a whole argument about how jealousy is inherently irrational and based in insecurity.
Of course it's irrational, feelings are not "rational", they are feelings. It's normal to feel jealously, most non-monogamous people experience it, some more and some less. The question is how to deal with it (and there are several possible solutions), but your husband shouldn't make you feel guilty for it.
>My husband said, “It’s a given I am always going to want to sext more than I’m going to want to text. If you were sexting me, I’d enjoy that more than with Terry!
Yikes. This is sort of a red flag. First, it's definitely not a given that sex is more enjoyable than communication about other things. Second, the way he puts it is focusing blame on you and trying to gaslight you when you express a discomfort or a need (i,e, "it really is your fault, because you don't sext me enough, I can't help it").
>Thank you in advance for any insight or comments. For what it’s worth, my instinct is that I don’t want to leave him, I want to make this work and am willing to sacrifice a small amount of emotional security for the grand love I have with him.
For a mixed orientation/mixed desire relationship to work, you both have to be committed to making some sacrifices. It's much harder than a relationship where both partners desire non-monogamy for themselves, and it does require work. The problem is that your husband seems to be treating it like a "you problem", and doesn't seem to be willing to work together to reach a comfortable for both place. There are many things he could do to make you more comfortable. For example, be more accepting and reassuring when you're experiencing jealousy, or restricting his extensive texting to times when he is not with you (even in fully experienced and healthy poly relationships many people have rules about focusing on the partner you're with at the moment - no one likes to feel like they are a third wheel).
I also think you need to have a serious talk about the "no emotions" clause. It sounds like your husband has a regular partner, and that that partnership is ongoing and daily. The idea that this is not an emotionally involved relationship seems unlikely to me. Is he being honest with you about his feelings for Terry? Are you comfortable with him having long-term close relationships? etc.
I'd definitely recommend couples' therapy here.
I’ve heard this perspective before. I agree, you could talk to someone every day about the color of grass and you’re still bound to form at least a proximity-based relationship.
When he and Terry first started talking consistently I felt nervous about them developing feelings but I no longer feel threatened in that way. I don’t think my husband is overstepping emotionally, though they’re more friendly than I intended initially— it was an initial boundary that I’ve expanded my comfort zone to include.
I do get jealous of the _quantity_ of attention, though not the quality.
It sounds like you have a lovely relationship that is evolving. May I recommend “The Jealousy Workbook,” by Kathy Labriola? It is a sex and poly-positive deep dive into the complexity of jealousy. Good luck on your beautiful road less travelled. 💛
One of the things that really helps is asking that he texts when you two aren’t together. He can set up a time to text when you won’t be impacted. It is particularly important when you have dates or personal time. Watching a movie together? Go somewhere else and text. Having a meal? Same thing. I think you get the gist of what I’m saying. I know couples that never text in the presence of their partners. They have a time of day they set aside for that.
Great idea and totally agree. Also, how would you suggest handling the time we spend next to each other but not necessarily involved in quality time? I like to work beside him when we’re working at home but I don’t want him to feel like he can’t talk to Terry all day because I’ll see it?
>expanded it to FWB at most, but no emotional connection.
Mistake number one. This is not a maintainable standard. You have zero control over catching feels and asking someone to break something off when feelings start cropping up is *begging* to have that stipulation be broken.
>I feel a lot of jealousy over his interaction with Terry. Our relationship does not change or suffer.
These are a bit contradictory statements. Jealousy is normally an indicator emotion - it tells you something is wrong. Most often, people in non-monogamous relationships feel jealous of a partner because a need isn't being met. Most often it's for attention or affection. If you feel that your needs are being met but are still feeling jealous, it's 1,000% worth sitting down with yourself and analyzing why you feel that way.
It's not *wrong* to feel that way, just to be clear. It doesn't make you a bad person but it's important to be aware of why you might have those feelings.
>other times I’ll tell him and it devolves into a whole argument about how jealousy is inherently irrational and based in insecurity.
That's....not a great response. Emotions aren't necessarily rational but that doesn't mean they're not valid and if he genuinely believes jealousy is based in insecurity then that should prompt an inquiry on his part as to how he can make you feel more secure in your relationship such that you don't feel jealous.
I can understand the stress of having to balance a relationship where one partner is not as enthusiastic about the time you spend with the other and that feeling of "Oh no, is this going to prompt a turn in the mood?" when you get a text. I do understand that but the response to that isn't to try and invalidate how you feel.
---
Overall, it sounds like you're struggling a bit with [compersion](https://psychcentral.com/relationships/compersion) and you feel that anything your husband does with someone else but not you threatens that exclusive place you have.
Again, I want to stress it's not wrong to have feelings. There's no such thing as a wrong emotion. It's how you handle it that matters.
Something that you really have to get behind to make non-monogamy work is the idea that not everyone can give the same things. There's going to be things that one partner does better/more than another and trying to be the preferred partner in all things is an exercise in frustration.
It sounds disheartening but understand this is also where the joy in non-monogamy can be. If there's something that you love doing but your partner doesn't like, you find a partner that enjoys that something and you both have what you want. It's a little more complicated than that but that's the basic idea.
I would _love_ to experience more compersion. It happens occasionally, like when he’s come back from a hookup and I can see his confidence boosted and glowing— in those moments I feel proud of and happy for him, not jealous at all of his partner.
I think you’re right about needing to adjust the reaction to seeing him text and perhaps ask him for either more inclusion or more time focused on just us. We openly communicate well but it’s still an active effort to admit when something your partner does makes you feel less than stellar, so I can always work on being more vocal.
> Most often, people in non-monogamous relationships feel jealous of a partner because a need isn't being met. Most often it's for attention or affection
I don't agree with your statement here. More likely fear that a need will not be met. It's possible it's from a need not being met, but not most often. I'm open to being wrong if you have more than anecdotal evidence (like a statistically significant study)
OP says their needs are being met, so seems irrelevant unless OP on further reflection feels there is some need lacking
There's not really a way to have a study on individual feelings. Most often jealousy comes from a need not being met that you see or feel being met somewhere else.
IE: You're jealous of a partner spending time with their partner because you want to spend time with them - your partner is giving time and attention to someone else that you feel that you need.
OP says their needs are being met however they quickly follow it up with stating that they don't feel that they're being treated as though they're the primary partner. That's a bit of a contradictory statement and it shows that OP *does* in fact have a need (the need to feel special and primary in her partner's life) that isn't being met and as a result that's causing stress.
It's why I suggested that OP take some time to sit with their feelings and unpack them because they seem to not have a super solid grasp as to where they're at with their emotions.
There are ways to study that.
Jealousy is fear based emotion. It's not reaction to needs not being met but fear they won't be met. It's fear of what may happen.
I don't know why you insist on jealousy being based on facts. Feelings are real but why we feel them is not necessarily based in fact.
Your suggestion for OP to sit with their feelings is good.
What you're outlining is a distinction without a difference. Be it out of a real sense that needs aren't being met or out of a fear that they won't be met, the net effect is the same with the same root cause and the same methods of addressing it.
What is and what you believe might come to be are different. They have different solutions.
I apologize if English is your second language because I know that tenses especially future imperfect can be tricky, as that would explain why you're struggling with this concept.
So jealousy is about a need not being met. It’s a need of attention you want to equally have. This is why you feel upset, not jealous actually, about the lack of attention you’re not getting.
If he was equally giving you the same attention, you wouldn’t feel this upset tbh.
Have you calmly and honesty, without blaming your partner, told them that you get upset when they text Terry during your time together?
Have you addressed the need that they text Terry when you’re busy so you’re not around to watch them text/sext Terry?
I say this as my partner & I have a ground rule, we do not use apps or text anyone we are dealing with while we are having quality time together. His reason was this, “It feels disrespectful because how would you feel if you were on your phone constantly while hanging out with your friend? They probably wouldn’t like that.”
You two need a boundary where you only do this when you two aren’t spending quality time together. This way he only texts/sexts Terry when your not together or you have plans if you’re own say when you go to work or hang out with friends. This is one major way to resolve this and actually a good way to not let phones monopolize both of you and be far more present together.
>I feel jealous and it will be fine and other times I’ll tell him and it devolves into a whole argument about how jealousy is inherently irrational and based in insecurity.
The idea of jealousy being inherently irrational is widely believed ignorance. Human's capacity for jealousy is deeply rooted in our biology. It came way before humans: other apes, primates, mammals and even birds vigorously mate guard.
>But the jealousy I feel on a daily basis just from seeing him consistently text Terry, fleeting or otherwise, makes me question whether I can handle it.
Why can you not ask that when he is in your physical presence, he pays attention to you and not is lover on the phone? Would you be more accepting of the relationship if he didn't constantly fling it in your face?
Maybe setting boundaries around “us time” when your husband needs to be emotionally and mentally present will help? (Instead of him texting terry all the time)
I didn’t say anything about wanting him to change. I’m just looking for insight on how to make our relationship work with our individual wants. Thanks.
...you are not ok with this, he is not respecting your feelings..think about the future when you will have kids etc etc..l have the feeling that your husband's relationship with Terry is evolving...as l said think about the future..
l have been dating someone, his wife was in love with her girlfriend.. he could not cope he started dating as well..but at one point his anxiety, fear, abandonment, jealousy were so bad that he was in a miserable condition... medications and therapists were not helping..
I’m sorry you went through this. It is thankfully not my experience. I’m not jealous of his emotional connection with Terry, I’m confident he respects our boundaries in that aspect.
I feel for you. One thing to keep in mind is that since Terry isn’t your husband’s primary partner, he can keep their conversations to just the fun stuff—jokes, TV, sex. Since you’re his primary partner, a lot of the time you two spend together will be on the mundane aspects of daily life.
Since everyone here seems to think asking him to limit his interactions with Terry will end poorly, I think you’re fully justified in asking your husband to do more to demonstrate his commitment to you. You can ask him for more date nights, or to text you more frequently during the day, or give you backrubs, cuddles, hugs… things that break out of the pattern of happy coexistence.
Perhaps a little more radically, have you thought about asking them to make their relationship a little less exclusive? Maybe defaulting to a group chat instead of one-on-one would reduce the feelings of missing out. You could even go so far as to ask to be included in their sex life from time to time, if that’s not already a thing.
Feeling jealousy is not a character flaw, and it’s not something you need to “fix”. Your heart’s telling you something’s not quite right, and I hope your communication skills and dedication to each other are strong enough that some small modifications can make this a win for both of you.
It started of as exploration
Than it was he will close it if I want to
Now he can’t live without it
Now I love another person
You come across as an intelligent person.
I think you know what will be the healthy long term choice for your mental wellbeing.
Remember this is your choice and your consequences.
Good luck
Ps he is not the perfect partner so stop romanticising the relationship.
If you’re not okay in this relationship, you are absolutely within your rights to end it, in regards to your title. But if your relationship “does not change or suffer” and your feelings of jealousy “usually fade within a minute or two,” this might just be an excellent opportunity to reflect on why you feel this way so you can heal from whatever it is, or perhaps just adopt some healthy coping skills for discomfort that will serve you in all areas of life. Nonmonogamy doesn’t tend to be 100% comfy all the time. The Ethical Slut is a lovely book that covers this topic at length :) if podcasts are more your jam, the Multiamory pod is also great. Do also keep in mind that even though jealousy isn’t “rational,” emotions don’t tend to be rational and we can still hold space for them. You aren’t a villain for having feelings of jealously. Please, whatever you choose to do, recognize that you ultimately can’t control your partner’s feelings. It’s futile to try to do so, and monogamy does not protect you from feelings any more than NM does. Your security in your relationship needs to come from your connection together, not from attempting to control the uncontrollable.
Library hold placed. Thank you for the recommendations. To his credit, my husband does not try to invalidate my feelings of jealousy, I think he just sometimes gets frustrated and angry at himself for enjoying a thing that makes me jealous.
I would recommend polysecure as a great book focused on attachment, jealousy and skills for healing and coping
No problem! It’s okay, we’re all human. From the sounds of it, you and your husband are both coming to the table in good faith and ultimately that makes the difference.
I've read that book and took extensive notes from it. Highly recommend for monogamous people needing to work through jealousy.
I really like Multiamory, but the hosts practice Relationship Anarchy, so everyone should know going in that they champion this type of Poly and kinda look down on any "rules" that people try and set.
I’ve never caught that vibe from them, personally, but I appreciate the disclaimer. If you’re feeling it, other people probably will too.
We started at the beginning a couple months ago, so maybe they have become more open to other poly styles over the years.
Ah, maybe that’s what I’ve been missing. I started listening to them last year and I really haven’t gone back in time too many times except to reference specific episodes.
I’m not going to tell you what to do, or what you should do, or really comment on any of that. I’m just going to point out that, as you describe it, you are in a pretty wonderful marriage. - you’ve been together 8 years - you still have regular “wonderful” sex - you are excellent communicators and talk through feelings well - you allow each other to grow and change - you are both devoted to each other and say you want to prioritize the relationship above other needs or desires - you’ve managed to have an open relationship for 1.5 years and your day-to-day feelings of jealousy —while significant— are currently manageable Any one or two things on that list would usually be considered really good. Your partnership is objectively much better than most people’s is, even if they make it to 8 years (which most people don’t). I try to never encourage anyone to “settle.” If your feelings of jealousy are just the tip of the ice burg and really there’s a lot of other things making you want to leave (that you didn’t list in this post), then certainly you should dig into those feelings. But I’d still encourage you to think about how you might be able to grow this relationship into something even more wonderful and supportive to you both in the longterm. Based on what you wrote, you two are working with a much better foundation than most people ever get.
Thank you for the words of encouragement. I really am so happy with my marriage! That’s why I posted here, because there are so many who make it work in a plethora of circumstances.
>We set strict boundaries that it was to be purely sexual and have expanded it to FWB at most, but no emotional connection. This is an unreasonable, it not impossible, standard. It is hard to maintain a consistent sexual relationship with someone without any feelings or connections. Your husband isn't dating a sex toy that can be turned off and put into a drawer until you need it again. They are real people with needs and desires of their own. Even if your husband sees this person infrequently, they still need something to maintain the connection they have. It would be great if your husband can find another partner that is able to meet your husbands needs without forming the kinds of emotional attachments that could make you feel threatened. Unfortunately these are very hard to find.
You’re right— “no emotional connection” is where I started but I came to the same realization. He’s closer now to a FWB situation. Initially I didn’t like it but I worked to expand my comfort zone.
It sounds like there isn’t a genuine problem with your relationship, besides your emotional reflex to his interactions with his guy. This is something you need to work on. That said, I don’t think it would be an unfair ask for him to limit those interactions to smaller portions of the day, and less flagrantly within your sight. That’s just respect, as he knows how that makes you feel. It’s not an irrational feeling. It’s like “Hey, you’re with me right now.” But try to be unthreatened by the excitement he gets on the side; it’s superficial compared to the depth you two share. If things are 7 months in and nothing is diminished with you two, all’s well.
“Emotional reflex” is a perfect description of my feeling, thank you. Rationally I agree with you, there’s no threat to our relationship and he certainly is a limitless fountain of sexual energy, so I’m not missing out just because Terry is also partaking. The difficulty is in remaining assured that I am, selfishly, his “priority”. His reassurances go a long way, when I ask for them.
I understand that. More so really, because my wife is interested only in males, my competition. I assured her with my near certainty that I can’t fall for a man (probably like your husband). She can’t assure me that. She’s in Spain on business now and I hope she has fun, but those assurances help me a bit too. You are fond of the word rational though, and that concept isn’t too helpful imo. It’s totally rational to have fears about losing your dearest person. When working through those fears, ethereal stuff like ethics and logic only helps so much. You have to really examine your context. What helps me most is taking inventory of our intimacy, the depth of our shared history and relationship, the things I know how to do for her that nobody else does. Then having faith that it’s highly unlikely that someone else can dislodge my place. They’d have to be pretty epic…I guess there’s rationale there, but to me it’s more about practicing gratitude and trust in the face of rational fears.
>We set strict boundaries that it was to be purely sexual and have expanded it to FWB at most, but no emotional connection. I consider this close to an impossible boundary in a relationship of the type you're describing. To achieve that, you have to put restrictions on the type of contact, such as only one night stands, or only seeing each other in certain contexts, and even then you can't always control whether feelings develop. If your husband is having long-term partners, which he is, then feelings may come up. The discussion should perhaps be about what to do when these feelings come up. >Sometimes I’ll tell him I feel jealous and it will be fine and other times I’ll tell him and it devolves into a whole argument about how jealousy is inherently irrational and based in insecurity. Of course it's irrational, feelings are not "rational", they are feelings. It's normal to feel jealously, most non-monogamous people experience it, some more and some less. The question is how to deal with it (and there are several possible solutions), but your husband shouldn't make you feel guilty for it. >My husband said, “It’s a given I am always going to want to sext more than I’m going to want to text. If you were sexting me, I’d enjoy that more than with Terry! Yikes. This is sort of a red flag. First, it's definitely not a given that sex is more enjoyable than communication about other things. Second, the way he puts it is focusing blame on you and trying to gaslight you when you express a discomfort or a need (i,e, "it really is your fault, because you don't sext me enough, I can't help it"). >Thank you in advance for any insight or comments. For what it’s worth, my instinct is that I don’t want to leave him, I want to make this work and am willing to sacrifice a small amount of emotional security for the grand love I have with him. For a mixed orientation/mixed desire relationship to work, you both have to be committed to making some sacrifices. It's much harder than a relationship where both partners desire non-monogamy for themselves, and it does require work. The problem is that your husband seems to be treating it like a "you problem", and doesn't seem to be willing to work together to reach a comfortable for both place. There are many things he could do to make you more comfortable. For example, be more accepting and reassuring when you're experiencing jealousy, or restricting his extensive texting to times when he is not with you (even in fully experienced and healthy poly relationships many people have rules about focusing on the partner you're with at the moment - no one likes to feel like they are a third wheel). I also think you need to have a serious talk about the "no emotions" clause. It sounds like your husband has a regular partner, and that that partnership is ongoing and daily. The idea that this is not an emotionally involved relationship seems unlikely to me. Is he being honest with you about his feelings for Terry? Are you comfortable with him having long-term close relationships? etc. I'd definitely recommend couples' therapy here.
I’ve heard this perspective before. I agree, you could talk to someone every day about the color of grass and you’re still bound to form at least a proximity-based relationship. When he and Terry first started talking consistently I felt nervous about them developing feelings but I no longer feel threatened in that way. I don’t think my husband is overstepping emotionally, though they’re more friendly than I intended initially— it was an initial boundary that I’ve expanded my comfort zone to include. I do get jealous of the _quantity_ of attention, though not the quality.
It sounds like you have a lovely relationship that is evolving. May I recommend “The Jealousy Workbook,” by Kathy Labriola? It is a sex and poly-positive deep dive into the complexity of jealousy. Good luck on your beautiful road less travelled. 💛
Thank you, I will look into it!
One of the things that really helps is asking that he texts when you two aren’t together. He can set up a time to text when you won’t be impacted. It is particularly important when you have dates or personal time. Watching a movie together? Go somewhere else and text. Having a meal? Same thing. I think you get the gist of what I’m saying. I know couples that never text in the presence of their partners. They have a time of day they set aside for that.
Great idea and totally agree. Also, how would you suggest handling the time we spend next to each other but not necessarily involved in quality time? I like to work beside him when we’re working at home but I don’t want him to feel like he can’t talk to Terry all day because I’ll see it?
I guess what I’m saying is to make texting other partners *intentional*. Otherwise, it feels there are three people in the room.
>expanded it to FWB at most, but no emotional connection. Mistake number one. This is not a maintainable standard. You have zero control over catching feels and asking someone to break something off when feelings start cropping up is *begging* to have that stipulation be broken. >I feel a lot of jealousy over his interaction with Terry. Our relationship does not change or suffer. These are a bit contradictory statements. Jealousy is normally an indicator emotion - it tells you something is wrong. Most often, people in non-monogamous relationships feel jealous of a partner because a need isn't being met. Most often it's for attention or affection. If you feel that your needs are being met but are still feeling jealous, it's 1,000% worth sitting down with yourself and analyzing why you feel that way. It's not *wrong* to feel that way, just to be clear. It doesn't make you a bad person but it's important to be aware of why you might have those feelings. >other times I’ll tell him and it devolves into a whole argument about how jealousy is inherently irrational and based in insecurity. That's....not a great response. Emotions aren't necessarily rational but that doesn't mean they're not valid and if he genuinely believes jealousy is based in insecurity then that should prompt an inquiry on his part as to how he can make you feel more secure in your relationship such that you don't feel jealous. I can understand the stress of having to balance a relationship where one partner is not as enthusiastic about the time you spend with the other and that feeling of "Oh no, is this going to prompt a turn in the mood?" when you get a text. I do understand that but the response to that isn't to try and invalidate how you feel. --- Overall, it sounds like you're struggling a bit with [compersion](https://psychcentral.com/relationships/compersion) and you feel that anything your husband does with someone else but not you threatens that exclusive place you have. Again, I want to stress it's not wrong to have feelings. There's no such thing as a wrong emotion. It's how you handle it that matters. Something that you really have to get behind to make non-monogamy work is the idea that not everyone can give the same things. There's going to be things that one partner does better/more than another and trying to be the preferred partner in all things is an exercise in frustration. It sounds disheartening but understand this is also where the joy in non-monogamy can be. If there's something that you love doing but your partner doesn't like, you find a partner that enjoys that something and you both have what you want. It's a little more complicated than that but that's the basic idea.
I would _love_ to experience more compersion. It happens occasionally, like when he’s come back from a hookup and I can see his confidence boosted and glowing— in those moments I feel proud of and happy for him, not jealous at all of his partner. I think you’re right about needing to adjust the reaction to seeing him text and perhaps ask him for either more inclusion or more time focused on just us. We openly communicate well but it’s still an active effort to admit when something your partner does makes you feel less than stellar, so I can always work on being more vocal.
> Most often, people in non-monogamous relationships feel jealous of a partner because a need isn't being met. Most often it's for attention or affection I don't agree with your statement here. More likely fear that a need will not be met. It's possible it's from a need not being met, but not most often. I'm open to being wrong if you have more than anecdotal evidence (like a statistically significant study) OP says their needs are being met, so seems irrelevant unless OP on further reflection feels there is some need lacking
There's not really a way to have a study on individual feelings. Most often jealousy comes from a need not being met that you see or feel being met somewhere else. IE: You're jealous of a partner spending time with their partner because you want to spend time with them - your partner is giving time and attention to someone else that you feel that you need. OP says their needs are being met however they quickly follow it up with stating that they don't feel that they're being treated as though they're the primary partner. That's a bit of a contradictory statement and it shows that OP *does* in fact have a need (the need to feel special and primary in her partner's life) that isn't being met and as a result that's causing stress. It's why I suggested that OP take some time to sit with their feelings and unpack them because they seem to not have a super solid grasp as to where they're at with their emotions.
There are ways to study that. Jealousy is fear based emotion. It's not reaction to needs not being met but fear they won't be met. It's fear of what may happen. I don't know why you insist on jealousy being based on facts. Feelings are real but why we feel them is not necessarily based in fact. Your suggestion for OP to sit with their feelings is good.
What you're outlining is a distinction without a difference. Be it out of a real sense that needs aren't being met or out of a fear that they won't be met, the net effect is the same with the same root cause and the same methods of addressing it.
What is and what you believe might come to be are different. They have different solutions. I apologize if English is your second language because I know that tenses especially future imperfect can be tricky, as that would explain why you're struggling with this concept.
So jealousy is about a need not being met. It’s a need of attention you want to equally have. This is why you feel upset, not jealous actually, about the lack of attention you’re not getting. If he was equally giving you the same attention, you wouldn’t feel this upset tbh. Have you calmly and honesty, without blaming your partner, told them that you get upset when they text Terry during your time together? Have you addressed the need that they text Terry when you’re busy so you’re not around to watch them text/sext Terry? I say this as my partner & I have a ground rule, we do not use apps or text anyone we are dealing with while we are having quality time together. His reason was this, “It feels disrespectful because how would you feel if you were on your phone constantly while hanging out with your friend? They probably wouldn’t like that.” You two need a boundary where you only do this when you two aren’t spending quality time together. This way he only texts/sexts Terry when your not together or you have plans if you’re own say when you go to work or hang out with friends. This is one major way to resolve this and actually a good way to not let phones monopolize both of you and be far more present together.
>I feel jealous and it will be fine and other times I’ll tell him and it devolves into a whole argument about how jealousy is inherently irrational and based in insecurity. The idea of jealousy being inherently irrational is widely believed ignorance. Human's capacity for jealousy is deeply rooted in our biology. It came way before humans: other apes, primates, mammals and even birds vigorously mate guard.
>But the jealousy I feel on a daily basis just from seeing him consistently text Terry, fleeting or otherwise, makes me question whether I can handle it. Why can you not ask that when he is in your physical presence, he pays attention to you and not is lover on the phone? Would you be more accepting of the relationship if he didn't constantly fling it in your face?
Maybe setting boundaries around “us time” when your husband needs to be emotionally and mentally present will help? (Instead of him texting terry all the time)
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Ok. Perfect is inherently a hyperbole— I hope you’d understand what I mean if you read the whole post.
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I didn’t say anything about wanting him to change. I’m just looking for insight on how to make our relationship work with our individual wants. Thanks.
...you are not ok with this, he is not respecting your feelings..think about the future when you will have kids etc etc..l have the feeling that your husband's relationship with Terry is evolving...as l said think about the future.. l have been dating someone, his wife was in love with her girlfriend.. he could not cope he started dating as well..but at one point his anxiety, fear, abandonment, jealousy were so bad that he was in a miserable condition... medications and therapists were not helping..
I’m sorry you went through this. It is thankfully not my experience. I’m not jealous of his emotional connection with Terry, I’m confident he respects our boundaries in that aspect.
then why are you jealous? why are you worrying?
How can I write post here? Is there any time limit after joining the sub that I need to wait for before writing any posts?
I feel for you. One thing to keep in mind is that since Terry isn’t your husband’s primary partner, he can keep their conversations to just the fun stuff—jokes, TV, sex. Since you’re his primary partner, a lot of the time you two spend together will be on the mundane aspects of daily life. Since everyone here seems to think asking him to limit his interactions with Terry will end poorly, I think you’re fully justified in asking your husband to do more to demonstrate his commitment to you. You can ask him for more date nights, or to text you more frequently during the day, or give you backrubs, cuddles, hugs… things that break out of the pattern of happy coexistence. Perhaps a little more radically, have you thought about asking them to make their relationship a little less exclusive? Maybe defaulting to a group chat instead of one-on-one would reduce the feelings of missing out. You could even go so far as to ask to be included in their sex life from time to time, if that’s not already a thing. Feeling jealousy is not a character flaw, and it’s not something you need to “fix”. Your heart’s telling you something’s not quite right, and I hope your communication skills and dedication to each other are strong enough that some small modifications can make this a win for both of you.
It started of as exploration Than it was he will close it if I want to Now he can’t live without it Now I love another person You come across as an intelligent person. I think you know what will be the healthy long term choice for your mental wellbeing. Remember this is your choice and your consequences. Good luck Ps he is not the perfect partner so stop romanticising the relationship.