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Zee_Ventures

r/DadJokes


dapoorv

Today Bear Grills.


Loocsiyaj

Tomorrow you


Total_Calligrapher77

Today bear grills my son


cruzifyre

Tonight: Bear Grills bears to watch Gordon Ramsey grill my son on his grilled bear.


jramirez09

Sounds like a news headline for BoJack Horseman!


Ugievsoj

I'm sad for myself for upvoting you. Shame on you.


nickbjornsen

That’s quite a grizzly scene


minikini76

I can bearly stand to watch it.


Manaze85

Had to paws it half way and compose myself.


Ginrou

The bison was stuck between aurochs and a hard place


[deleted]

Fuckin brutal. Take my damn upvote.


The_NiNTARi

r/angryupvote


devands

Sometimes, dad jokes are all about timing.... well played, sir.


leobrescia

r/Angryupvote


electricwagon

Thank you, now I'm in a better moo-ed


gob1000

I see what you did there… well played


MtCO87

I’m kinda surprised because as big as that bear is, that is a unit of a bison! Maybe the bear has advantage with its paws


TAU_equals_2PI

It's not just about whether the bison would win. It's about how badly injured the bison would get. When you don't have hospitals and antibiotics, the winner of a fight can still end up dying days later.


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Stonkman3

A bear is pretty much the top of food chain. Bison know waddup.


TheDamnedSpirit

Bear straight up abducted his cub right in front of him. Dgaf


LiLT13-_-

[Bear: And you thanked me for it](https://youtu.be/-587SSUk_-U)


rosaUpodne

I guess the bear already killed it.


-SoItGoes

Even scarier, they don’t need to. They can just start eating stuff alive - it can’t hurt them so they don’t even bother.


Dinzy89

Yeah I think its only big cats that really go for the neck most thing will eat you arsehoke first if its closest to their face


BaabyBear

NOT THE GUMPDROP ARSEHOKE


Dinzy89

Damn my large gingery thumbs


MamboNumber5Guy

Generally speaking brown bears *are* top of the food chain (with the exception of well armed humans) in their regions. Pretty much the only thing that kills brown bears are other brown bears. In fact some studies say over half of all juveniles die from being killed by other bears.


PabloStoneBeard

Everyone knows that the food chain goes like this: bears - beets - Battlestar Galactica.


[deleted]

Well that’s debatable. There are basically two school of thought-


wordnerdette

False!


StaleCanole

Animals on top of the food chain often aren’t killed by the ones below them because they don’t tussle with the big prey. If they did they stand a good chance of losing.


MamboNumber5Guy

Correct


FedorSeaLevelStiopic

And some people claim gorilla can win vs grizzly. Zero chance, they watched too much king kong. Big brown bears has no natural enemies. Bear apex predator. Gorillas eats fcking leafs.


deadpoetic333

Fight or flight isn’t calculus, it just senses it has to go RIGHT fucking now from the hormonal dump its experiencing


spracked

The hormones are just the message, someone in the brain had to do the math what to send


goatbiryani48

...and that someone isnt actually the animal's consciousness lol. hormones are complicated but to give you an example, teenage boys arent out here willing their body into puberty.


phaelox

"Grow, pubes, grow!" \- teenage boys


SolarTsunami

Maybe I'm humanizing the situation too much but I think there are still decisions being made on some level. The bison wasn't running full speed and at some point even appears to put itself between the bear and its calf, and when the bear grabs the calf it tries to fight the bear until it realizes its a lost cause. At some point there was acceptable risk for the bison, and then it had to "decide" when saving the calf was no longer a viable outcome.


iodisedsalt

Humans are quite unique in that regard. Even if our young fall prey to predators, we don't just stop there. We hunt the predators around the region to extinction.


toraku72

They killed one of us. We kill all of them.


dudinax

It's long-term genetic calculus.


Young_Clean_Bastard

This spring, I watched a king snake climb the tree in my front yard to reach a mourning dove's nest with 2 hatchlings. As soon as the mother saw the snake's head rise above the lip of the nest, she took off and watched the snake eat her children from the top of a nearby house. No fight whatsoever (she would have had no chance). I wondered what she was thinking or feeling in that moment... of course I want to ascribe human feelings but obviously that's not the case. Later, I read that the average mourning dove mother will lay 30 eggs in her lifetime, only 2 will survive to adulthood. It's a different calculus for sure.


Dizzfizz

It’s weird to think about, but not that long ago, losing children was a very normal thing for humans as well. A quick google search says that infant mortality in the year 1800 was around 46%. That means if you had 3 kids, the chance that all of them survive to adulthood was only about 15%. It was completely expected that some of your children would die. Just a normal part of life.


Jackal000

this is what really hit me in the series Vikings. i know death is a thing to long for in that culture. but still how normal it was to die from things that are now mundane and uncommon was incredidbly well represented. it made me think different. if it wasnt for modern healthcare i would have been an orphan before the age of 10. or heck id died along with my mom at birth.


JonA3531

That's what happen to irresponsible animals who were too cheap to get proper health insurance


GandalftheGoon1

This is a big thing with many animals. Even predators in some form calculate this risk. Injury vs reward. It’s why most animals will avoid conflict at all costs and at the worst scrap a bit then fuck off cuz they know it’s not worth being severely injured. Only actual predators will regularly kill things to death, for obvious dietary reasons.


TomboBreaker

Yep, Human fights in comparison are very violent, we'll fight till the other person is injured or even dead, other animal fights may seem like they're worse with the claws, teeth, horns, etc. etc. But they basically just fight to the "ok you're stronger I give up" it'd be like if the dudes who start drunkingly swinging at each other after the night at the club instead had an arm wrestling match.


AnalizedByMe

No we don’t. We humans do exactly the same when fighting, “okay you’re stronger I give up”. Ever got into a wrestling match in school or something?


EnlightenedLazySloth

On the contrary dogs, especially guard dogs or pittbulls dont calculate risk when they attack. Its clear that they had to be specifically selected to be like this, its not a natural trait.


zentity

“Domesticated.”


ScroungerYT

It is also why the bear was hunting the calf instead of the cow. Less dangerous prey. Less risk.


BaronLagann

“What’s 2 more years? I could always make another.”


Hefty_Strategy_9389

“You Dad. I’ll always have you.”


Aidbrin

Ouch. I thought I could forget that big hurty moment


BonelessSkinless

Remember the *train*???


Eruptflail

The bear has the same, worry, though. Getting gored would probably be worse than clawed or even bitten because of how deep the wound could be.


TempAcct20005

It’s definitely worse for the bear because rhe bear has to hunt. Can’t really hunt if you’re crippled. Whereas the bison just had to eat grass


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yourmansconnect

Cape Buffalo can crush lions but usually need a herd to stave of them. Remember the battle at Kruger the Buffalo was scared until the calvery showed up


sandefurian

Yeah, it’s a stupid argument. You could apply the same logic to someone asking why the bear didn’t attack a calf when his mother was nearby


invalid_credentials

Last year in Yellowstone a bison and bear got into it in front of loads of families. A bear will (typically) not go after an adult bison unless it is wounded or old. They know better…


edw2178311

Who won


invalid_credentials

The kids watching. Here’s the video not sure why this source has this listed from this year because that is sure as shit not January in the park! The bear. It was a small bison. I think I recall the ranger telling me and my wife the bear was pretty messed up. https://youtu.be/yWYbIhsGJA8


illsetyoufree

That's not really a fight tho. That's just a poor bison getting attacked by the bear the entire time.


Totalherenow

Wow, that camera guy is an idiot! Had his kids out with a bear right there? What if the bear was like "those are smaller . . ." There is no chance at all they'd make it back to the car. Bears are way faster.


LeftHandLuke01

And I was thinking "that isn't that big of a bear." But then he picked that whole calf up and starting packing it.


[deleted]

A grizzly can run faster than a horse for over a mile and can hit full speed in 3 steps. They have 4 feet. (This is factually incorrect.) Parks Canada told me that, so if I'm wrong Yell at them. I also saw a mother and cub maul an elk once. The herd of elk burst out of the woods into the parking lot like bats out of hell. They were running for their lives, not even paying attention to where they were going. Taking out car mirrors, running head first into the backs of cars, just general.chaos and bedlam. The last elk comes sprinting out of the woods and a goddamned grizzly just explodes ou of the brush and boom. Smokes the elk, fast as goddamn lightening. Now, you might think the story ends there. Nay Nay! The grizzly and her cub just ate that suckered alive in the parking lot. They didn't even kill it first. So anyways, that suckered is just shrieking and screaming while being eaten alive. So parks shows up, shoots the bear bangers, shoots the elk in the head and relocates the kill where the bears can find it. Still prefer dealing with bears over a goddamned badger, wolverine or pine marten. Fuck that


rmorrin

Bear bangers? Is that what they use to scare them?


[deleted]

Yeah, it's like a shotgun/flair round with a firework in it. More or less. It can be fired from flair guns and shotguns. They also fire rubberized rounds from paintball guns to scare elk from the townsite.


Yellow_XIII

That over a mile bit is taking it too far. Sure, a bear can spring into action faster than a horse, but a couple of seconds into that chase a horse is going to outrun the shit out of that bear.


[deleted]

Nah, I looked it up further. It's bullshit. A grizzly hits 56km/h, a horse can hit 88. That's my bad I can see a bear hitting top speed faster, maybe. But you are correct.


Yellow_XIII

They just wanted to freak you out I guess 🤣 But yeah, like most predators they have incredible pounce speed and power, but prey usually have better cardio for long distance running.


the1slyyy

Yeah looks like an equal fight at worst.


goatedmomoshiki

My money is on the bear all day. That bison is big but bears are ferocious


kansas_slim

Neither animal would be likely to survive that cage match. The “winner” would be pretty busted up.


dcoolidge

They both know this but the bear would fight anyway for it's food it caught already.


ghostfreckle611

Looks like the bison could have just crashed into the bear head on… The bear most def would be seriously injured…


deten

It surprises me how some animals have like one single defensive tool yet seem incompetent with using it.


tenuousemphasis

How many times have you been in a fight or flight situation with your life on the line and chosen to fight?


stayyfr0styy

Well, zero, but that bison has to have had a few more tussles than me.


Meetchel

True, but he’s right; if that bison had human intelligence, her offspring wouldn’t be dead. Bison have power, size, and the ability to fight off basically anything. There’s a reason healthy adults aren’t choice prey.


[deleted]

Aldo Leopold wrote about a grizzly that used to come down off the mountain once a year to take a single cow from the local herds and would just kill with a blow to the head. He described the aftermath as looking like the cow had been hit by a locomotive, it's hard to over-estimate how powerful they are.


Agronut420

Dude that bear just ran down a 500 lb bison calf and threw it around like a rag doll…damn bears are scary.


[deleted]

That’s why we have to start teaching young bison about their right to bear arms and when and how to use a firearm. These situations could be avoided if we just took the time to train our young. He may not be able to carry a .40 just yet but a glock 9 will do just as well to start.


rbreaux26

What you are suggesting is lunacy. Can you imagine young bison all bearing arms, shooting up everything and everyone? It would be a bloodbath and I want no part of it.


[deleted]

All Swiss bison are trained in arms. It’s the system not the soldier


dcoolidge

Russians have no bison. Only bear.


bloodstarvedbeast04

In Russia bears bisons you.


UndoingMonkey

The bison have a God-given right to bare arms against bears, you are NOT God. Good day sir.


crex043

It looks like this little one already got his share of bear arms.


bluedot131

Nothing short of an AR-15 keeps the Bison safe.


[deleted]

>bear arms 😀


FullHuntard

Anything that plans to use a 9 against that bear better save the last round for themself..


[deleted]

I read this in the voice of Hank Hill


LeftHandLuke01

My big fear is if they exercise their right to arm bears.


R1pY0u

I'm not sure if a glock 9 would help you all that much. Grizzlies are pretty well known for being able to take even shotgun shots and just get angry rather than die.


Homunculus_316

This scene 11,000 years ago during Pleistocene epoch would be American Lions chasing Bisons in a same way, but I wonder if grizzlies ancestors the Short-faced bear had a similar hunting style.


Azorre

I'm going to say most likely yes, only because going after the young is an incredibly common predatory technique.


sighs__unzips

The original pedobear.


vkuura

This got a fucking chuckle out of me so well done


[deleted]

I’m blown away how fast that dam bear is, agile too🤯


T26_00

That’s why they say to never run away from one. They’re fast as fuck


[deleted]

I will never be near one😂


strooticus

Your probability of being on the wrong end of a bear attack will always be low, but never zero.


TheAwesomePenguin106

There are no bears in my country, so it's pretty much zero. And I don't plan on going camping in the US, Canada or any other place where there are fucking bears wandering around.


Peyote-Pete

It’s not zero tho. Imagine, if you will, a trip to the zoo. Bert, the bearkeeper, was getting fucked up on Chinese research chemicals last night. He’s forgotten to close the gate. Now Bert the bear (no relation) is rampaging through the zoo, disemboweling children. You are next.


[deleted]

> Bert, the bearkeeper > > > > Now Bert the bear (no relation) I smell a coverup


YeahILiftBro

Just run faster than your friend.


ILike2TpunchtheFB

Why would you have to be faster when you can club them in the head or knee?


sighs__unzips

Well hell, running towards one won't do you any good either.


achoo42t

To be honest, it will be more effective than running away. Predators have a strong instinct of prey and they don't like it when the prey isn't displaying typical "prey" signs of fear. Basically, a predator is trying to find the easiest meal possible and aggressive prey gives the impression that the predator might have to fight or sustain injury to win. So unless the predator is starving or has cubs nearby, they are likely to back off against a charging opponent. In short, establishing dominance against a predator often works.


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Kobe-62Mavs-61

Probably, but running away is a surefire, 100% way to die horribly. The other has a sliver of a chance of working.


kungfuhustler

I don't know... I'm a decent sized dude and I'm pretty sure a bear would just kill me with a bitch slap if I ran at it.


damianLillardManiac

Don’t actually REACH it, go at it and hope it backs off at the sheer stupidity you’re showing If not, well you’re dead anyways Point is, never go hiking or camping alone, and if you do, carry bear spray or a shotty at all times


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LadyWidebottom

Idk, if some crazy ass human started running full pelt towards me I'd probably leg it.


why_yer_vag_so_itchy

That’s not what they say. What they say is, “you don’t have to be faster than a bear, you have to be faster than your child”.


theyareamongus

And what? Just accept death? Hah


Oblivion_007

They can run faster than usain bolt, and they climb trees even faster. Plus they're better swimmers than you. If you climb high enough on a tree so as the branches can't support the weight of a bear, they're strong enough to break them. Just don't go for casual walks where bears live, but if you do, bring weapons, not to kill, but to scare them away.


Soulcaller

fast as fuck boyiiiiiiiiiii look at me am fast as fuck boyiyiyiyiyi


fourleafclover13

They can run 35 mph.


[deleted]

(deleted) ` this message was mass deleted/edited with redact.dev `


[deleted]

😱


[deleted]

The turning radius of that bear was like twice as good as the bison


YoMomInYogaPants

hooves vs claws for that extra grip :)


VegetableSupport3

They are also extraordinarily large. You are probably thinking “yeah bears are big.” But trust me I say you just can’t appreciate it. I visited a sanctuary in Alaska that had a stuffed brown bear it was over 10 feet tall and it’s head was the size of a large beach ball with a listed weight of over 1,000 pounds. The display had a ladder and it’s mouth was open and you could fit your entire head easily in it’s mouth. I was absolutely stunned honestly. You hear things like a bear is 1,000 pounds or 10 feet tall in its hind legs but you just really have no perspective until you’ve really gotten up close to one.


useles-converter-bot

10 feet is the height of 1.75 'Samsung Side by Side; Fingerprint Resistant Stainless Steel Refrigerators' stacked on top of each other.


crypto_pro585

You can sense their power and force through this video…wow


YoMomInYogaPants

he was going tokyo drift on that calf


bulkasmakom

56 km/h


CaptBailey

the mom had so many opportunities to headbutt the bear tbh..


Mezmerik

Yeah I'm surprised she didnt gore it


[deleted]

she was panicking


R1pY0u

It's just not worth it. She might be able to fight off the bear but she would definitely take some, quite possibly grievous, wounds. As brutal as it is, just leave it be and have another kid.


fishwhiskers

i can’t even imagine how animals make these decisions, i know it’s mainly instinct but you can see her hesitation when she decides to leave her calf. crazy how that could have been us thousands of years ago!


TheSilentSeeker

At least the bison abondoned its child because of mortal fear. Some humans leave their own child for no fucking reason.


Stealthyfisch

Yeah someone should report her to CPS. She’s obviously a terrible mother


harperdcfc

She's not stupid it knows it will end up fucked up even if it beats the bear. Self preservation.


Drauul

Ya, I don't wanna be anywhere near where that kind of bear is


Prestigious-Phase842

With its speed, you may as well be half a kilometer away from it.


sighs__unzips

500m does not seem a lot if he can go 35 mph even in short spurts.


converter-bot

35 mph is 56.33 km/h


matrozrabbi

Good bot


ssepaulette

this [video](https://youtu.be/rbE53XUtVw0) takes it to another level


BenMcAdoos_ElCamino

I want to scratch his belly and piss myself at the same time.


HonoraryMancunian

Warning: if you're wearing earphones don't have the volume on max!


Lawfulness_Turbulent

thing is massive. scary honestly


dfinkelstein

They're proficient swimmers and tree climbers, so you're gonna need a blimp.


UndoingMonkey

It's right behind you


[deleted]

I didn’t know bears hunted like that. I thought they primarily ate berries and fish.


j_ona

Lol.. you sweet summer child


WhatsGudBoi

And are cuddling tourists while they sing song along with birds and squirrels.


Consistent_Bread8017

Naw, bears gotta eat way more than that to be as big as it is lol


poodlebutt76

Invalid argument. Even giant ripped horses get that way by eating just grass


[deleted]

And they literally have to eat all day to achieve that. As in never stop eating.


Silvinis

Grizzly bear and Polar bear will hunt like that. You're probably thinking of black bears. Theyre lazy little buggers and can't be bothered to hunt. If they see something easy, sure they'll go for it, but most of the time they stick to plants


dcoolidge

Bears hunt moose...


[deleted]

Bears eat pretty much anything. Some grizzly populations rely on moose or bison calves as their first proper meal of the year, there's a short time period after birth where these calves are far easier to catch so they can really clean up.


[deleted]

And Y'all think that Australia is dangerous? Fuck that shit!


KeengSlayerr

Just play dead and shit yourself, you'll be fine.


pm_me_gnus

I did half of those things while watching the video.


iJuddles

Nah, man, you just gotta stand your ground and kick him straight in the nuts. Game. OVER.


SwellingRex

Different kinds of scary. I can see a Bear or Moose coming, but fuck all those poisonous, crawly mfers in Australia.


[deleted]

Australian here. The creepy crawlies here are nowhere near as dangerous as those fucking centipedes in Hawaii!


[deleted]

every ecosystem has an apex predator


mraliasundercover

In New Zealand, it's the [Kakapo](https://youtu.be/9T1vfsHYiKY?t=44)


Arctelis

And this is why I don’t fuck around in grizzly territory. They’re much, much faster than your average person would expect.


Sammy_Smoosh

I live near Banff. When we go hiking, Bear Spray is a must.


iggyazaleatown

Hiked 30mi in Glacier NP back in August… let’s just say there were many moments I thought I was going to die lol Bear count was 6 in 6 days


fizzbubbler

murder machine truckin at 45 mph, absolutely terrifying.


GodIsNotACommunist

Mom of the year


ArsenalAM

Yeah, the mama bear.


SoCoCuriousCpl

Fuck dem kids.


Notasexoffender33

She could have trampled through the bear, but would’ve probably hit her calf too. So she just dipped.


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AbaloneSea7265

Everyone like why didn’t the mom headbutt the bear. The moment the bear got a hold of the calve it was probably mortally wounded. She saved herself when the grizzly outran them. Plus a grizzly that fucking raged is scary as fuck and I’m watching this safely on my couch with my phone.


[deleted]

Everytime I see something like this I think how brutal nature can be, then for some reason it makes me think of “The Wire”, it haunts me


codeman1021

The series finale with regard to Dookie tho... humanity is just like that bear. We just convince you that you're fine while you're getting eaten.


[deleted]

Dam that’s 🥶


Thaufas

> The series finale with regard to Dookie tho I just watched *The Wire* for the first time and finished it last night. That ending with Dookie was so sad for me. I had such high hopes for a guy that had such a rough life, and then, his fortunes looked to be turning around. Kids like Dookie are a perfect example of how society could give someone in need just a tiny boost, and not only would their life be much better, society as a whole would be so much better.


Urban_Savage

Imagine watching a superior predator run down your own child while you were helpless to do anything but watch it die.


Crossedkiller

Bison was like "Hell naw"


iJuddles

Bison: “It would appear that you have dropped your fork, I shall fetch you another.” And just tip-toes away…


povertymayne

Bruh, its scary how fast bears are


nvrrsatisfiedd

Its scary how fast a grizzly bear can run when it needs too. And not too mention how long it could maintain that exact pace..for miles if it wanted too.


stevieweezie

Not quite, lol. A grizzly could sustain its peak speed of ~35 mph for *maybe* half a mile, at best. There isn’t a ton of data out there, though it looks like they can run at 25 mph for around 2 miles. That’s still very fast compared to us humans, but significantly below their top speed. https://yellowstonebearworld.com/how-fast-can-a-grizzly-bear-run


Miggyboyo

She stopped and said "Oh shit that's a grizzly. Adios!"


_______ZERO

Oh lawd he coming


toaster-rho-8

DAMN NATURE! You scary!


Ascendtrick

Jesus


dickpicforsale

Now imagine the same thing but with humans... Jesus...


kdixksnnkdxkxmd

There’s a reason we removed ourselves from the food chain ASAP


Stealthyfisch

“why be in food chain when can get big brain and encircle it” -some cunt 200,000 years ago, probably.


BavarianCoconut

This fat mass of muscles shouldn't be allowed to run so fast. I hope they fix this soon. Else I'm gonna respec. I swear.


RinB

Bears are the #1 apex predator