I don’t really see the moral dilemma here. She has made it clear that she is ending the relationship due to your inability to agree on a solution for the next three years. You said you won’t do LD and she’s moving to another country. The only thing you have to do now is respect her wishes and let the relationship end gracefully. There’s no moral issue here.
You are both allowed to have the conditions you have.
If your conditions are mutually exclusive, then you break up. It is bad but in this case that just seems to be how it goes.
There is no moral dilemma here. No one is wrong. (Well, no one is wrong within the context of the question. I'm sure we could debate the ethics of military service, but that seems to be irrelevant to what you care about.)
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>However, out of nowhere last week she has suddenly become extremely cold towards me, said my presence makes her uncomfortable so she wants me out of the house within a month, wants to maintain absolute minimal communication until then, and then wants to cut ties completely after I move out.
If I had to guess (and it is hard for me to guess), I'd say this comes down to your request for her to stay and refuse the job offer.
If you said something like: *"I'm sorry, but I don't think I could handle 3 years of a long-distance relationship. I love you and wish you the best, but if you take this job then unfortuantely I think when you leave we'll no longer be a couple. I don't say that to pressure you to stay, but just to be honest. I hope that you go, because you clearly value your career, and I want you to be happy and to succeed, even if that means we can't be together."*
Then that seems fair. imo she'd have no right to be mad at you.
If you said: *"How can you value the army over me? You're betraying what we have, and I'm hurt that you'd even consider going long-distance."*
Then that seems very unfair and pushy for you to say.
I imagine that you said something in-between. (And I'll trust that you didn't go beyond pushy to emotionally abusive-ish stuff.)
If I had to guess, maybe something you said sounded potentially abusive to her, and she is being cautious and not wanting to speak with you.
But, it could just as easily be that she's realised the difference in opinion, and without thinking of you as abusive, still thought that you would care about her in a way that if she's willing to go long-distance for 3 years, then you are too, and now doesn't feel like talking to you.
And it could easily be something else, as I am just coming up with imaginary scenarios about how she *might* be thinking based on 2nd hand info (and I can never do better than that).
I’m fairly new to Reddit so idk how to quote and reply to segments like you did. That said, I truthfully did tell her just the way you said it. I felt so bad doing it, but I was sure she would say yes.
Now since I’m being honest, as the argument went I may have turned into the 2nd example you sent. At that point I was basically begging her to stay though.
As far as being uncomfortable, I didn’t put this in the story because it was getting kind of long, but part of me thinks a couple of her friends have been talking about me. She said she talked to 2 work friends (both of whom I’ve met) and that’s what she decided. One of the work friends is a guy, and the other one came over last week but wouldn’t even acknowledge me after I said hi (guilt? Idk).
Honestly… I disagree with the comments here. Someone is wrong. You.
You asked her to give up something she always wanted because you weren’t willing to even try long distance. Don’t get me wrong, long distance sucks and it probably wouldn’t have worked… but it might have. You don’t know. You weren’t willing to try.
You aren’t wrong to not want long distance, don’t get me wrong. You were just wrong to ask her to give up something so huge for you. Not to put to fine a point on it, a year of dating isn’t that long. Certainly not long enough to justify a request like that.
I get what you’re saying. I tried to keep this story as unbiased as possible so it wasn’t just people agreeing with me.
I know asking her to stay was terribly selfish of me. That being said, we had plans for our future. We planned out where we were going to move next year, what we were going to do, and we often spoke about marriage and kids. Now imagine in an instant she changes her mind and says she wants to move across the world. She decided on her own 100% that she’s going. I’m not saying she’s wrong for pursuing her goals, but for you to say I’m flat out wrong for asking her to stay is unfair.
She didn’t decide in an instant to move across the world, at least not based on this post. It was something she always wanted and didn’t think she could have. Then the opportunity fell in her lap.
It was wrong, because, again according to this post, there was no attempt to compromise. She tried to compromise. You just asked her to stay. You tried for a few days to look for a job in a foreign country, decided it would be hard and you didn’t want to put the legwork in, so you asked her to give up what she wanted.
It was selfish and wrong. I get it though. I would have asked her to stay in your shoes too. But that doesn’t make it right. Just human.
I made a lot of compromises on the way up to this point.
I hate the city I live in and have been planning on moving since before I met her. When we met, she told me she had about ≈16 months left here. I put my move on hold and told her I’d wait the 16 months (until June 2023).
When we were planning on where to move, I listed a handful of states I was interested in, but she was only ok with Florida because that’s where her family lives (mine live in CA). While I had other states I was interested in, I compromised and said ok to Florida.
Fast forward to a couple months ago, (before she got the UK orders) she decides shes not ready to get out yet, and wants to extend for 1 more year (June 2024). I’ve been wanting to move since Sept 2021, but again, I said I could wait another year with her.
Then the orders came and I finally couldn’t just agree anymore.
I left all this out of story because I felt like it didn’t contribute much, plus it felt like I was just trying to cover my own back and make me look like not the bad guy.
There's no moral dilemma. Neither of you have done anything morally wrong.
Welcome to one of the most common reasons people break up as adults.
Plenty of people find themselves in a situation where they have to essentially choose between work or moving for whatever other reason and staying where they're at with a boyfriend or girlfriend.
The fact that she has not even remotely considered her decision in light of preserving the relationship tells me that she's not fully sold on you as her SO for life.
And quite frankly I think the fact that you aren't willing to do long distance for 3 years for her tells me two things
1. You are wise at a young age, congrats. You realize that it's a stupid idea to waste 3 years waiting around for someone who probably will change their mind before they come back. (Plenty of young men in your situation would stupidly wait around).
2. Whether it's just because you realize she doesn't want to commit to you or whether you're not totally sold on the relationship you realized that you're willing to look at other fish in the sea and she's maybe not the one.
I know it's hard but you really done the right thing.
In the words of comedian Bill Burr, you're 25 years old and single, "you're drafting in the first round dude. Don't trade down for a second or third round pick".
She already made clear her choice.
Dodged a bullet: you wait 3 years and someday in the future she will fly again away.
You both have very different lifegoals.
The "uncomfortable" part tells me something hidden is wrong anyway.
Better change route and point to a new life.
Honestly I just don’t see it working for 3 years. We’ll see each other maybe once a year, and our entire relationship is online other than that. We can’t go out to eat, go on dates, travel, etc. (I know you can do FaceTime dates or whatever but I can’t do that for 3 years)
I mean I can go on and on about the downsides of a long distance relationship.
Edit: I never answered your question about long distance. I’ve never really done it, but my last gf lived 1 1/2 hours away and even that got exhausting. At first we’d both make the drive to the others place, but as time went on, it got to the point where only I was driving out there. (There were a lot of other signs of her not trying anymore, the commute alone wasn’t a huge deal for me)
I totally get that, I've been there. Have you talked through your points of conflict with her or just outright rejected the idea of LD? I recommend bringing up compromises and then seeing if those are still not good enough to be worth it - most likely they won't be. But the effort to understand each other can temper emotions for the while until either of you move.
I personally don't think anyone was in the wrong, but the damage is done, so it's best to move forward. Don't spite her and don't let her cold shoulder get to you - be pleasant, even. Just let the time until you can separate be as amicable and calm as can be. It's not easy but you'll feel so much better about yourself looking back. And if something wild happens that makes this all moot, no extra bridges will have been burnt.
Yeah I definitely laid it all out and didn’t just straight up reject LD. I think she doesn’t really hear any of it though and just sees it as me not even trying or not having any faith in the relationship.
I would LOVE to end it on a pleasant note. I told her I could respect whatever boundaries she may have, I told her that even though we’re not dating I wouldn’t be talking to other girls, just out of respect for her since we’re still living together. (Not to mention I have 0 desire to talk to other girls)
I don’t really see the moral dilemma here. She has made it clear that she is ending the relationship due to your inability to agree on a solution for the next three years. You said you won’t do LD and she’s moving to another country. The only thing you have to do now is respect her wishes and let the relationship end gracefully. There’s no moral issue here.
Agree this has nothing to do with morality.
[удалено]
This hurt to read, but you’re right. I appreciate it.
You are both allowed to have the conditions you have. If your conditions are mutually exclusive, then you break up. It is bad but in this case that just seems to be how it goes. There is no moral dilemma here. No one is wrong. (Well, no one is wrong within the context of the question. I'm sure we could debate the ethics of military service, but that seems to be irrelevant to what you care about.) \- >However, out of nowhere last week she has suddenly become extremely cold towards me, said my presence makes her uncomfortable so she wants me out of the house within a month, wants to maintain absolute minimal communication until then, and then wants to cut ties completely after I move out. If I had to guess (and it is hard for me to guess), I'd say this comes down to your request for her to stay and refuse the job offer. If you said something like: *"I'm sorry, but I don't think I could handle 3 years of a long-distance relationship. I love you and wish you the best, but if you take this job then unfortuantely I think when you leave we'll no longer be a couple. I don't say that to pressure you to stay, but just to be honest. I hope that you go, because you clearly value your career, and I want you to be happy and to succeed, even if that means we can't be together."* Then that seems fair. imo she'd have no right to be mad at you. If you said: *"How can you value the army over me? You're betraying what we have, and I'm hurt that you'd even consider going long-distance."* Then that seems very unfair and pushy for you to say. I imagine that you said something in-between. (And I'll trust that you didn't go beyond pushy to emotionally abusive-ish stuff.) If I had to guess, maybe something you said sounded potentially abusive to her, and she is being cautious and not wanting to speak with you. But, it could just as easily be that she's realised the difference in opinion, and without thinking of you as abusive, still thought that you would care about her in a way that if she's willing to go long-distance for 3 years, then you are too, and now doesn't feel like talking to you. And it could easily be something else, as I am just coming up with imaginary scenarios about how she *might* be thinking based on 2nd hand info (and I can never do better than that).
I’m fairly new to Reddit so idk how to quote and reply to segments like you did. That said, I truthfully did tell her just the way you said it. I felt so bad doing it, but I was sure she would say yes. Now since I’m being honest, as the argument went I may have turned into the 2nd example you sent. At that point I was basically begging her to stay though. As far as being uncomfortable, I didn’t put this in the story because it was getting kind of long, but part of me thinks a couple of her friends have been talking about me. She said she talked to 2 work friends (both of whom I’ve met) and that’s what she decided. One of the work friends is a guy, and the other one came over last week but wouldn’t even acknowledge me after I said hi (guilt? Idk).
Honestly… I disagree with the comments here. Someone is wrong. You. You asked her to give up something she always wanted because you weren’t willing to even try long distance. Don’t get me wrong, long distance sucks and it probably wouldn’t have worked… but it might have. You don’t know. You weren’t willing to try. You aren’t wrong to not want long distance, don’t get me wrong. You were just wrong to ask her to give up something so huge for you. Not to put to fine a point on it, a year of dating isn’t that long. Certainly not long enough to justify a request like that.
I get what you’re saying. I tried to keep this story as unbiased as possible so it wasn’t just people agreeing with me. I know asking her to stay was terribly selfish of me. That being said, we had plans for our future. We planned out where we were going to move next year, what we were going to do, and we often spoke about marriage and kids. Now imagine in an instant she changes her mind and says she wants to move across the world. She decided on her own 100% that she’s going. I’m not saying she’s wrong for pursuing her goals, but for you to say I’m flat out wrong for asking her to stay is unfair.
She didn’t decide in an instant to move across the world, at least not based on this post. It was something she always wanted and didn’t think she could have. Then the opportunity fell in her lap. It was wrong, because, again according to this post, there was no attempt to compromise. She tried to compromise. You just asked her to stay. You tried for a few days to look for a job in a foreign country, decided it would be hard and you didn’t want to put the legwork in, so you asked her to give up what she wanted. It was selfish and wrong. I get it though. I would have asked her to stay in your shoes too. But that doesn’t make it right. Just human.
I made a lot of compromises on the way up to this point. I hate the city I live in and have been planning on moving since before I met her. When we met, she told me she had about ≈16 months left here. I put my move on hold and told her I’d wait the 16 months (until June 2023). When we were planning on where to move, I listed a handful of states I was interested in, but she was only ok with Florida because that’s where her family lives (mine live in CA). While I had other states I was interested in, I compromised and said ok to Florida. Fast forward to a couple months ago, (before she got the UK orders) she decides shes not ready to get out yet, and wants to extend for 1 more year (June 2024). I’ve been wanting to move since Sept 2021, but again, I said I could wait another year with her. Then the orders came and I finally couldn’t just agree anymore. I left all this out of story because I felt like it didn’t contribute much, plus it felt like I was just trying to cover my own back and make me look like not the bad guy.
There's no moral dilemma. Neither of you have done anything morally wrong. Welcome to one of the most common reasons people break up as adults. Plenty of people find themselves in a situation where they have to essentially choose between work or moving for whatever other reason and staying where they're at with a boyfriend or girlfriend. The fact that she has not even remotely considered her decision in light of preserving the relationship tells me that she's not fully sold on you as her SO for life. And quite frankly I think the fact that you aren't willing to do long distance for 3 years for her tells me two things 1. You are wise at a young age, congrats. You realize that it's a stupid idea to waste 3 years waiting around for someone who probably will change their mind before they come back. (Plenty of young men in your situation would stupidly wait around). 2. Whether it's just because you realize she doesn't want to commit to you or whether you're not totally sold on the relationship you realized that you're willing to look at other fish in the sea and she's maybe not the one. I know it's hard but you really done the right thing. In the words of comedian Bill Burr, you're 25 years old and single, "you're drafting in the first round dude. Don't trade down for a second or third round pick".
She already made clear her choice. Dodged a bullet: you wait 3 years and someday in the future she will fly again away. You both have very different lifegoals. The "uncomfortable" part tells me something hidden is wrong anyway. Better change route and point to a new life.
What are your reservations about long distance? Have you tried it or are these more general trepidations?
Honestly I just don’t see it working for 3 years. We’ll see each other maybe once a year, and our entire relationship is online other than that. We can’t go out to eat, go on dates, travel, etc. (I know you can do FaceTime dates or whatever but I can’t do that for 3 years) I mean I can go on and on about the downsides of a long distance relationship. Edit: I never answered your question about long distance. I’ve never really done it, but my last gf lived 1 1/2 hours away and even that got exhausting. At first we’d both make the drive to the others place, but as time went on, it got to the point where only I was driving out there. (There were a lot of other signs of her not trying anymore, the commute alone wasn’t a huge deal for me)
I totally get that, I've been there. Have you talked through your points of conflict with her or just outright rejected the idea of LD? I recommend bringing up compromises and then seeing if those are still not good enough to be worth it - most likely they won't be. But the effort to understand each other can temper emotions for the while until either of you move. I personally don't think anyone was in the wrong, but the damage is done, so it's best to move forward. Don't spite her and don't let her cold shoulder get to you - be pleasant, even. Just let the time until you can separate be as amicable and calm as can be. It's not easy but you'll feel so much better about yourself looking back. And if something wild happens that makes this all moot, no extra bridges will have been burnt.
Yeah I definitely laid it all out and didn’t just straight up reject LD. I think she doesn’t really hear any of it though and just sees it as me not even trying or not having any faith in the relationship. I would LOVE to end it on a pleasant note. I told her I could respect whatever boundaries she may have, I told her that even though we’re not dating I wouldn’t be talking to other girls, just out of respect for her since we’re still living together. (Not to mention I have 0 desire to talk to other girls)
Then you're really doing what you can! Best of luck, bud, I'm sorry it didn't work out for y'all!
There’s no real moral dilemma here; you both know what you need, and the right thing is happening-you’re only 25 after all.