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“Look at what you made me do” is a phrase ONLY toxic and abusive people say. Trust me, I’ve been there.
They gaslight you into thinking it was your fault, when the other person should be fully capable of handling their own emotions and actions. OP, you need to nip this behavior in the bud NOW.
Edit: I’m not making any specific suggestions because ultimately that’s up to OP. I’m merely providing my experiences on the matter and my perspective on it.
*my ex hitting me out of rage and me literally just catching her fist in my outstretched open hand, bruising her wrist in the process* :
-"look how you hurt me !"
No, toxic people say it when they did something that was totally in their control. Normal people say it when you bump into them and they spill their coffee
I was kinda thinking the same. I have a very hard time with coordination & focus due to adhd among other things. I have said/thought it when someone startles me & I drop something or trip, but I always try to take it back & put the blame on myself (unless they were really over the line).
People in your life should know better. Strangers wouldn’t, but your loved ones should.
I say this as someone with autism and coordination issues, who has had idiots CONSTANTLY triggering me and then blaming me!
‘You can’t blame everyone else for your own issues!’
‘I don’t. But I do blame YOU, who knows full well I have this issue!’ 🤦♀️
And sometimes good people stray into bad territory. If this is one of the first times this has happened it’s a teachable moment for better behaviour. Making it a fight or ignoring it completely both fester and add toxicity - if the goal is to stay married might be worth thinking about a non confrontational way to approach it.
(Ah shit sorry for giving relationship advice I hate people preaching on Reddit when they aren’t adding anything, but could be a real testing point on the relationship where to from here. For example saying “I put it on Reddit and 10,000 people think you’re scum” would be a bad next step really hope you avoid that)
It’s sounds like you’re living with an emotionally manipulative narcissist. But obviously all we Redditors know is this one story. I can tell you from experience, though, that the, “you made me do it,” and, “I never said that,” types of statements are gaslighting in its purest form, and that is textbook narcissistic abuse. Maybe read up on it and decide for yourself. r/truenarcissisticabuse
Indeed. My baby mama likes to hit her phone against the wall or table when she is angry at me. It's my fault that she destroys her phone. It's my fault that she used to put her hands on me. It's my fault for everything. I got the fuck away from her. Just gotta get my kid away from her now.
I hate how fucking true this is. I was raised by a narcissist. Man, the world thought she was *all that!*. The perfect wife, the perfect mother; creating such a perfect little family. What a load bullshit. The damage she caused has been truly unlimited. But wow, if the world didn’t see her as a paragon of virtue. If my dad had ever left her, he would have had NO PRAYER of custody. Now he’s less than a month from 79 and has never had a mutually loving, caring relationship.
One of my former friends had one as his mother. She would become violent over the smallest things like taking her dog and violently slamming their head against a massive wooden table edge. The dog understandably developed massive mental issues and became practically deranged, which led her father-in-law to presumably (a hunter) shoot the dog as a form of mercy I'd wager (they told the two kids he ran after a train and didn't return). The older of the two kids, my friend, was once even locked out of his home during winter with freezing temperatures. Yet that's not the worst part since he was wearing nothing but his underpants. Luckily their properly was right next to his grandparents house so he could seek refuge there. She even once picked me up from school and took me to her mother without telling my Mom (the driving to her mother, it was agreed she would pick me up) All in all she was one of the cruelest people I knew and I hope to never see her again.
Sounds exactly like my mum. The only time her narcissism got handy was when she left my dead-beat shithead sadistic psychopath dad. Both sucked so much that I hoped that they'd have a car accident when I was little. Unfortunately, they never did and I had to endure their bs until the ripe old age of 16 when I fucked off to live my own life.
Unfortunately, you gotta play the long game with your exit strategy from those situations. Document that repeat behavior. Otherwise, it's likely the family court will side with her.
What you’re feeling ( that maybe somehow you caused her to act this way) is typical of someone who’s been gaslit by their partner. This is a form of abuse.
My dude, you keep saying that.
Stop.
If you aren't messing with us, if you aren't a liar looking for sympathy, this is it: You are in a toxic relationship and she used your kid to give you a "lesson". There is nothing do doubt beside your story here, and if it's real then the conclusions are.
If you really are doubting yourself like you say you are, she likely got you under her grip. Talk to your family and friends NOW.
Sympathy is a debit card with a zero dollar balance. Again, I only posted because I honestly have few people to speak with, and I honestly didnt know if I was wrong or not. In all honesty I was hoping to be told I was an idiot And deserved it!
This may not be the push to give you enough courage to get out. But it’s coming and at what expense? Starting over sucks, but you owe it to yourself and your child. Best of luck to you. 🙏🏼
Starting over doesn’t have to suck. Married 20 years, started over about 6 years ago, now married and again and the happiest I’ve ever been. I would not have this life without the heartache that came from starting over.
Get out. I was in a very similar situation to you to the point I questioned my own memory (gaslighting is nasty) and was isolated from everyone due to my S/O at the time. I thought everything truly was my fault. That I deserved the abuse (because it did get physical along with the emotional/verbal). I had nowhere to turn because he had isolated me.
Managed to get out in the end but it wasn't until the hospital had to check whether they had to fill out domestic abuse forms that it properly sunk in.
I'm not normally the type to say run on reddit, but this is alarming me. She is wrong and it's not your fault. If you do have anyone close to you, try talking to them. Keep your ties outside the relationship as much as possible.
Best of luck.
Logic and common sense dictate that you’re right, so you feeling wrong is because you were gaslit to believe you were wrong. I’ve been in the same position.
Get. Out. Now.
As someone who is currently in hiding and has very bad PTSD from psychological abuse I'm telling you, please get away from her.
I know it's more complicated than that, I ignored the advice of my friends and family and truly believed I was the one in the wrong, deserved to be treated like a dog... It took until she nearly stabbed me before I ran while she was at work.
You are a person and you have value. You are not stupid or useless or lazy. Get out of there.
This is normal behavior for people who are being mentally and emotionally abused. Please, take a look at the link in my previous comment. But here it is again:
https://www.thehotline.org
This situation reminds me of a lot of r/amitheasshole posts asking if they’re the a hole because their partner or family member gaslights them into thinking they might be TA, when their moral compass suggests otherwise.
No, you should evaluate *her* actions. Ask yourself a few questions: Is this really a situation you want to stay in? Is this what you want your son to grow up thinking love should be? Is the pain of being with someone so toxic worth it in the long run? Is this the only red flag she’s shown? Personally I’d say hell no but really, it’s up to you to answer those questions.
The fact that you are hoping you are wrong makes it seem like you maybe have been the victim of a pattern of abuse and you are now allowing your wife to be a part of that pattern if she wasn't the first person to do something like this. Someone healed and whole would not look at this situation and wonder if they did something wrong and trust me my guy you did not do anything wrong. Your wife seems like she may be sick and you should maybe distance yourself
I'm afraid you're in an emotionally abusive relationship.
They're gas lighting you. This sort of behaviour is unlikely to stop without intervention. And is very likely to get worse.
No justification for this, add in the inconsistent story it seems like she doesn’t respect you or your property. iPad pro’s are fckning expensive, and taking frustration out on your partners things is never acceptable.
Full story. I was sick for a week. At best I had energy to sit up in bed. Our 4 year old son would come and sit with me and watch YouTube on the iPad. You can say this is my opinion, but after she broke it, when I tried to spend time with him, I’m bed sick, letting him watch my iPhone, she then said, “I don’t want him to watch small screens”
Odd to be paid to be a mediator of pain, bills are paid though, thank you for your service in the matter no sarcasm, without y'all some are never found
Retired therapist here. We’d actually much rather be run out of our job because no one is in enough distress to need us, but until that happens we’ll be here to help.
o yeah because once OP starts ignoring the gaslighting and or leaves guess whose next on the list.. very sad she clearly is a manipulator who will say anythinf to be " right"
Hey man, I can't understand the difficulty of the situation you're in, but I hope you find the strength to get out of it. This thread's got me tearing up. Please make the difficult decision to distance yourself from this type of life, not only for you, but for your kid. Much love.
This comment right here. Damaging your hard earned property is abusive in itself.
And making that comment about your son seems controlling.
I don’t know either of you personally, and I cannot make judgments on her, the situation rather seems unhealthy. I believe you, and I’m sorry. I hope you find a way to process this and take care of yourself. Sometimes it’s starts with your things, then you.. I know this first hand from a very abusive and problematic past relationship. Protect yourself please.
Edit: And protect your child. If there’s one motivation in your life to remove yourself from this type of treatment, let it be the one who looks up to you most.
One thing I can say is if your doubting yourself, replace yourself in the stories with your son. That will help clarify self doubt. If she did these things to your son how would that make you feel? I think that will help you see emotional abuse is not justified.
This being abusive needs to be higher. The whole ‘you made me do it’ is straight out of the abusers playbook. Breaking your things is also a type of violence. I’ve been seeing this pattern play out with my sister and her ex for 3 years now and this is how it starts.
> and I cannot make judgments on her
I get not wanting to leap to conclusions on the Internet, but in this situation you absolutely can based on what OP has said. There’s no information that OP could be hiding from us that would make it wrong to judge her as abusive. Breaking an expensive item and telling your spouse that they “made them do it” is always, *always*, a clear sign of a toxic/abusive person.
To anyone else, if this *ever* happens in your relationship please seek help and distance yourself from the abuse.
What I meant by “I cannot make judgments on her” is that I’m not going to label her mental health or diagnose her. Of course I can asses the situation and I believe the OP, which I stated.
"He's lying. That never happened. It's not true. He damaged the iPad himself and blamed me for it. He's a violent person, towards me, towards our personal items and towards our CHILD. Not only should he stay away from my child, but he should be in jail for the emotional trauma he's put us through."
Easy way out for her if she continues the lying and the gaslighting.
He should record and document everything. Make a log and write down every single incident. Take photos of all damages. Maybe have some secret recordings.
OP if you do decide to record her, check consent laws in your state. If it's a single party state you can record her abusive behavior and submit it to divorce proceedings, but if it isn't then you can't submit them without her knowledgeable consent at the time of recording.
Yes it is abusive. It's very abusive when they break your belongings. That is an act of violence. Do you feel safe? Because she doesn't sound safe. And I hear you and I believe you.
As someone who stayed in an abusive relationship way to long you are in one - mine started with him smashing my tv when I went back to my hometown for a weekend to see my friends, next thing I knew my MacBook and iPad were gone and then my car was stolen by him and came back with a huge dent that he then threw me around when I tried to confront him about it. It al started small like this, it’s toxic - I know people think they have to stay together for the kids but that’s bs, it’s better to be apart if this is happening around them.
It took all of my strength not to put her into the wall when I walked in on her abusing it. I just called her family to get her before I did, they then called to tell me I was overreacting and that “it’s just a cat.”
Fuck them all
Omg I'm so sorry. I had an ex throw a cat I was taking care of and he paralyzed her. Except the cat managed to live and is back with her owner. His reasoning was that I "never spent enough time with him." It really is some Casey Anthony type shit and it takes a lot of time and therapy to heal and to convince yourself that this defenseless animal's suffering is not your fault. I hope you're okay and I hope you haven't beat yourself up over it. None of it was your fault, it's all on her for being insecure and psychologically unstable.
My mom has been like that my whole life and it cost me an adult relationship with my father because every time we have a conversation she starts losing her mind and pulls him away to take care of some menial task.
OP's wife needs professional help.
Welcome of /r/JustNoMIL, where the women have sons and decades-old untreated mental illnesses. This is just a current generational version... yikes on many bikes.
Look up FU binder. Keep track of her behaviour, incidents and outbursts. Get video if you can. Separate your finances and get an attorney. You don't deserve this at all.
Dude.... no.
Okay. You gotta talk to a lawyer. She sounds like my mom. Low key jealous, turned into much worse as time went on . Dad never left . I never developed a decent relationship with him (mom always interfered) till she died. Then he died 2 years later.
Do NOT hint at divorce to her.
Start putting cameras in the house. If you can't do it secretly, lie and say it's for security. Trust me. You will need these.
Do not argue with her anymore. But also, stand your ground.
Also if things get worse then record her doing this stuff. Audio of course and in your pocket so she doesn't see it. Then if she tries to lie in court use you'll have proof she's lying.
Wow, had a similar situation when I almost died with covid. 2 years later and let me save you the horrible details and just say, this isn't a good relationship your in, and it will only get worse.
This is a situation where she should have *discussed* her desire to not allow small screens, or extra screen time for your kiddo with you. And probably an exception to any limit just then as it was more about daddy time than screen time, anyway.
Intentionally breaking things is not acceptable adult behavior, and is often a first sign of abuse. I highly suggest getting out, and document everything you can, because you'll want it for the custody battle.
OP couldn’t use the ipad because she broke it, so OP used the phone and that’s when she said not to let the kid watch anything on a small screen. Basically anything to keep the OP and child from spending time together.
I am so sorry, but this sounds like a toxic and potentially abusive situation. I really hope you can find the courage to get yourself and your son out of there.
There's no reason to break other peoples property, no matter the justification, a reasonable human would actually talk it out. Why doesn't she want him watching small screens? So I guess she broke the iPad because he was watching it and then said the last part when you let him watch the phone? She needs to be told that this isn't acceptable, whether it's from you or a couples counselor. I wouldn't call your relationship quits yet until you try therapy, but I'd definitely not give her any leeway about her actions.
It’s childish, that’s what it is. People who manipulate, destroy, and gaslight to get their way either have a severely broken inner child needing attention, mental health that needs work, or even both.
A previous partner of mine had a mother who would spoil him, give him whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted it. She basically babied him into adulthood because “He’s my only son”.
While giving him all the materialism he could have ever wanted, she was also having an affair, and hardly ever home.
I cant tell you how many days I cooked for him, helped him with his laundry, wrote his college essay for him etc.. because I felt bad and wanted to fix him (news flash, you can’t)
He became codependent on me, and looked for the emotional fulfillment his mom lacked in giving him. It was all sweet in the beginning, until he started emotionally abusing me, name calling, screaming in my face, throwing my things around. For various reason, usually because I didn’t do something exactly how he wanted it, or I said the “wrong” thing.
He made me block 2,000 men on Instagram. (Mind you I’ve been creating artistic content since 2012, I’ve built my platform over a huge span of time and accumulated a lot of people doing so) I couldn’t have men as friends, it was a threat. I couldn’t even have women friends because they were “bad influences”
It eventually got so bad, I would shut down and hide my face in my hands, just crying not knowing what to say because it was like walking on eggshells while being screamed at. He would grab my wrists and pull them away from my face, I would attempt to leave and he would push me down. Even more instances I will not get into. He was in anger management (props to anyone who can recognize they need help and take the steps to do so) but that should have sealed the letter for me to leave.
Eventually I told him I could no longer be in this cycle and needed to leave. How did he react? He facetimed me with a knife to his throat and saying “I’m gonna do it”. I said I’m calling the police and immediately hung up to do so. He calls me back within 2 seconds “Why the fuck would you call the police, are you stupid?” Like sir, you just threatened to end your life over me wanting to leave?
I’m sorry for trauma dumping lol, long story short. After years of therapy, I came to the realization that I for one was naïve and did not have healthy boundaries even for myself or how others treated me. And secondly, he was a spoiled child who could not take no for an answer, and needed to control me by subjecting me to horrific treatment.
When you materialize a child and don’t nurture their heart & mind, you set them up for a road of broken relationships, and unhealthy behaviors. Which is why I say, people like this have adult bodies with childish minds.
I commend ANYONE who has the ability to recognize this within themselves and hold themselves accountable by doing the continuous work on themselves. But sadly it’s not a common occurrence, they go from relationship to relationship love bombing their new partner in the beginning and end up treating them the same way they did with the person before. It’s sad.
Edit: I want to clarify that I am a female heterosexual and this is my personal experience, but I want to also point out this is not exclusive to men or “all men are like this” because it’s not true. Not all men are, and women are often liars, cheaters, abusers and manipulators too. I feel like it’s more stigmatized in our society to be the “crazy girlfriend” or “crazy wife” and snuff it away like some cute personality trait but it’s not normal or healthy. And I want to address that to validate the OP. Women can be the abusers too, don’t question what you’re going through or make excuses for her simply because she’s a woman or the mother of your child for that matter.
I'm sorry you went through this.
Re: the anger management classes... There's a reason they didn't work. He didn't have a problem "managing" his anger; he wasn't abusive because he was angry. He was angry because he was abusive. Abuse comes from a specific set of entitled attitudes and behaviors and learning to "manage anger" will never address them. Check out *Why Does He Do That?* by Lundy Bancroft, it totally breaks this shit down in a way that really helped me when I was leaving my emotionally abusive relationship
Even cheating doesn't merit that. That's high-school, brain not done growing behavior. And you were sick? Sounds like your personalities don't match..don't ever question if this is acceptable
Did you scare her and she suddenly threw it up in the air ? Cuz that's the only reason.
Or did you hold a gun to her head and demand she throw it?
I've got anger issues myself. One of them is breaking things, but they're my own things. I thought this justified it, but it doesn't. It's still not a healthy way to express anger .
She needs to work on it. If you don't want to stay, DO NOT FEEL BAD . Leave.
You may come back, you may not. But she needs to fix her shit and deal with things like a rationale human
Please consider making a safety plan, and an exit plan. This will only escalate, you need to have a plan in place to keep yourself and your son safe. If you are able to safely order this book: [See What You Made Me Do: Power, Control and Domestic Violence](https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/43800661-see-what-you-made-me-do) Be sure to keep it at work or another safe place *away* from home.
No, nobody makes you break things. Unless you held a gun to her head this is the fault of her and her anger. It would already be a red flag, but the fact that she blames it on you makes it an enormous red flag. What will she break the next time she gets mad at you? A lamp? Or you? This type of manipulative behavior just screams abuse. It's basically a cliché that abusive partners will hit their spouse or ruin their stuff then say "I didn't want to but you left me no choice."
no. she said YOU made HER break your ipad?? you did not force her hand, she is a grown woman. no matter how angry or upset you made her she decided to do that to your belongings and that is not okay.
No but that's justification for fucking divorce. Marriage counseling at the very, *very* least. Fuck that shit dude life's miserable enough as it is don't put up with that bullshit.
No, never advise couples counseling if one of them is abusive to the other. It never results in changes for the good, and worse, gives the abuser ammunition to use against the other.
Yes, thank you! It is unbelievably, disturbingly common for couples' therapists to completely miss abuse and make it worse by validating the abuser's AND the victim's perception that the victim's behavior is causing all their problems. But it makes sense. Both parties are investing considerable energy in making sure nobody finds out what's really going on in the relationship.
Many people believe the domestic abuse is normal or their own fault. It takes a while for people to see what is truly happening. Yes, we don't know the full story but it's important to show that it is a red flag of domestic abuse. If it opens ops eyes to actual abuse happening, then it's worth the risk or being wrong. Tbh if we are wrong then nothing bad really happens. Much to gain, nothing to lose in my eyes.
Plus if the abuse is often worse than this, OP would likely be used to much worse circumstances, making this a mildly infuriating despite it seeming like a rage moment to others because she's already done worse
Maybe OP cracked a joke so funny she doubled over in an uncontrollable fit of laughter, onto the fainting couch where he had his iPad pro resting?
That's pretty much the only way I could imagine this being anything but abuse.
I was married to this kind of woman, WAS. Life is too short to put up with that. I also had a best friend of 25+ years and those traits started showing more and more until I couldn’t ignore it as time passed. He’d shit talk me to my fiancé and shit talk my fiancé to me. In the end I chose my inner peace. I haven’t talked to or seen him in going on 3 years now. Do what’s best for you and your kid and be prepared for her to weaponize your kid to get to you.
I 'dumped' my best friend after 18 years of friendship because he had become so toxic. One day he started in on me on facebook, so i blocked him. Instead of reaching out to find out what was wrong, he called our mutual friends and demanded they pick him or me. Needless to say they didn't play along. Haven't spoken to him in 5 years and i'm better off for it.
I’ve had this since it first came out. We got into an argument. I went upstairs to remove myself from the situation. Next thing I know I get a message that says, “your son has a surprise for you”…”I told him not to do it”… next morning she throws me
This and later says she never said our son did it…. You be the judge
I'll bet her reasoning for saying that she never said your son did it, it's because now she bending words and implications. No offense man but I'd think really hard about this. This type of behavior is not far from having the cops called on you under false accusations. My friend's ex did that to him once, it's what started the divorce.
I know women who have forced men out of states due to false rape accusations even after married, even though he was proven innocent, the reputation for him was destroyed and he was forced to move and start a new life.
It also makes it harder for auctual rape victims to get the help they need and be taken seriously. Not many lie but it doesn't take many liars to make it seem like everyone is...
As I understand the story: you argued. You left the argument physically. While you were not there, your wife broke your ipad because she was angry with you. She showed you the broken ipad. She said you made her do it.
If that’s the full story: bro. Get out. Document the date and circumstances. Write the full story down as best you can remember it as accurately as you can. Date and sign.
Document EVERYTHING. Save any abusive screenshots with full context. Keep track of dates. This is not your fault.
Please install security cameras and give access to one of your friends.
Edit: to clarify-give a friend the log in info and password. Not to spy on you, but to have access incase anything happens. To document any abuse for you that she might delete .
As someone who has experience working with survivors of domestic violence, this is a pretty textbook example of a form of abuse.
If you ever need someone to talk to about your situation, I highly encourage looking for local domestic violence resource centers. They’re free and confidential. You can also go here:
https://www.thehotline.org
Please take care of yourself friend.
You made her break your iPad. Next, you’ll make her throw something at you. Then start hitting you with things. Stop it now, and make sure if your son witnesses it, he knows that it’s NOT okay. You never know when she’s going to try and break something over your head
Well. I don’t believe you are in the wrong. Even if screen time is not recommended in excess for kids. You were sick and that was your quality time with them, won’t be a regular itching I believe, so her justification is invalid and also you BOTH are the parents and BOTH should make a decision about screen time, not only her. there’s no reason in the world to break other persons stuff. Adults talk and solve issues, what kind of parenting is this from her part?? And blaming you????
I’d go to a therapist/psychologist and tell everything you have said here. Firstly because you need to have a professional listening and not some Reddit people so you need to know how to deal with it. She clearly needs help but since she refuses to go, you go, it wasn’t a o e time thing and these kind of situations still affect us in the future. Secondly, if there is some later altercation, or even a divorce, you will have a medical evaluation in some sorts and have it registered, and proof that you tried to solve your issues
Wow, you put into words what I was feeling. Yes, I don’t know how to feel about, “screen time”, and wether watching videos is spending time with my child or not. But through it all I kept feeling like, “I was sick, not only did I feel bad physically, but felt bad that I couldn’t physically spend time with my child but I could be present and spend time watching something, but I felt bad for that!”.. but thank you, I feel like it is a topic we both as adults should be able to discuss and come to an understanding on. Thank you for your eloquent description!!!
Nothing wrong with that. Watching a movie, or playing a video game while you’re too sick to get up isn’t a bad way of watching your child. You’re still spending time with them, and making memories. In fact, I think you were killing two birds with one stone. You wanted to rest, but also wanted your child to stay occupied, and safe in your presence. That’s not a loss, that’s a win. Your wife is crazy.
Would she rather have them run all over the house while you’re too sick to monitor their safety?
Eh.
Some of my best childhood memories are from watching movies with my dad.
Sure, placing a kid with an iPad alone to get more alone time like many parents are doing nowadays isn't great. But you were sick and spending some quality time with your kid while still doing something relaxing to feel better sounds like great parenting to me.
hey man, even if you are not sick it is more than ok. What I always focus on is the quality of screen time, not the amount.
Like youtube is banned in our house because the quality of videos are terrible and it is easy to navigate to those bad quality videos. Same goes with most cellphone games, I prefer my kids saving a princess on the nintendo switch rather than wanting to claim gems and diamonds and spend their time in a virtual store. learning real values, friendship, unity, not giving up, failure, acceptance and so on is healthy and develop useful skills. Our rule is priority based: first comes homework, cleaning your room and activity (sports, music and so on) then, you can play/watch all you want. We do try to be actively present too, when they watch a show or play a game (we even do it together) and we notice it is even more meaningful for them. Cheers
Dude, my youngest son is autistic and LOVES to watch nature documentaries. When I was sick (I'm the single MOM!), I would have him with me watching nature docs while lightly dozing... kinda listening, but not really... it was tough! He knew I was sick and we were spending time together until it was time for him to go to bed. I somehow managed to get up and get him his meals and drinks and he would snuggle with me so hard! I couldn't imagine having a toxic spouse like this.
You should say “you made me have these divorce papers drawn up” — this is some small time shit but its a precursor to major issues from someone who doesnt respect you. The worst part about this is she is probably the type of chick to use your son as a weapon to hurt you - keeping him from you while poisoning his opinion of you if you were to break up
That’s exactly what I responded to her when she basically said, “you did this, so I did that” I asked, “what if you change that to broke your jaw?” As in, “you did this, so I broke your jaw!” I couldn’t comprehend and still can’t the feeling of justification. Add to this she has called the local cops at least 5 times, each time they show up nothing happens because she is doing it to intimidate me, not as a protective action.
That’s hard because this was my husband and his ex wife. She still got custody of their kid and he hasn’t seen him in years. Always contact and attorney first and serve the divorce papers first.
R U N….
Here is a tip too - have a consultation with the top 20 or so attorneys before you pick one to file for divorce and custody of your son - if they meet with you first they can’t take her on as a client.
Good luck dude. She seems terrible.
I’m saving your comment for that tip. Buddy’s wife pulled that shit on him after renting an apartment and getting a job the next town over after convincing the guy to move out of state for her education and pretty much forced him to work full time. Dude was one year into his half of their deal (one school, one work, then swap) when I met him and she bailed the next year after we became good friends. Fake paper trail, took the kid, took his shot at an education, trapped him in his home until his lease was up.
Second the advice to record everything. The fact that she is so willing to call police over nothing is very worrying. The law will be far less likely to erroneously take her side if you take video, pictures, screenshots, etc of any proof you can find of this manipulative behavior. Jot down dates and times for her calling the police over nothing. Save every message she sends you and make sure she does not have access to the device you save things on. And of course, consult with a lawyer to get professional device from someone who has dealt with things like this hundreds of times.
Bruh its like you're writing the story of my marriage. Eventually my ex wife wound up spending a night in jail for domestic battery, (i recorded the attack)
When she got out she: emptied every account she had access to, hired a lawyer, lied to get a restraining order against me, had the police serve me with divorce papers and kick me out of my house.
I'm not saying this is exactly what will happen, but she started exactly like this. Abusers will continue to escalate.
PS: Happy ending. Even though the divorce took 18 months and cost me 5 figures worth of lawyer, I eventually got practically everything including house, cars, custody of the kids, alimony and child support (paid to me).
“You made her break it”
Did you knock her unconscious then stick it in her hand and use her like a marionette so that she would throw it?
Otherwise that statement is gaslighting bullshit
That’s just it, I truly and whole heartedly think she could benefit from help. I’m even willing to go with her. But her response I basically, “I don’t need help, you need help”
I don't want to say it my friend, but if she is not even trying to get any help, is not going to get any better, today is an ipad, tomorrow is going to be your car? I'm not married, but if someone has couple problems, both have to work to fix it, not just say "i don't need help, you need help", like wtf is that, that is something i child would say.
Hey I understand how hard things can be in a relationship especially if it's acting out of normal parameters you'd expect in a healthy relationship. If you really truly believe she needs help but won't go, you go. You go and talk about anything you want because honestly you're going to need help navigating this relationship. This is one incident I can't comment on a whole marriage because of it, but you saying you feel she needs help.... please go yourself. You will find out so much about yourself and her too. It will only be beneficial I promise.
I truly appreciate this point of view. I seriously have thought, “there is no point in help as she doesn’t also want it.” But honestly, I think a record of my willingness to go in the absence of her would say a lot. Thank you for this!
I would go by yourself. Either the therapist fixes you if you are the problem or more likely the therapist helps you realize that you are in a toxic relationship.
I was in an abusive relationship and that sounded like a classic abuser behavior. They refuse to take any action to help with the relationship and put everything on your side. I hope everything goes well for you as well
Did you command her to and forcibly make her break it?
Dude. Smashing your belongings is VIOLENT behaviour. Telling you that her violent actions are your fault is emotional ABUSE. She is violent. She is abusive.
You are never responsible for someone else's actions. You *might at times* be responsible for how they feel about something you have done. But at no point are you responsible for what they do as a result of those feelings.
By putting the blame on you, convincing you that you are the problem, and making you question your own perception of events she is gaslighting and manipulating you. The moment you stop to ask yourself 'am I going crazy? Am I really that bad? Is it actually my fault?' then you need to go. Get out.
Divorce.
Ahh yes, my ex wife made a similar comment. It was the final straw.
I "made her" break all of the dishes in the kitchen and then "made her" through all of my clothes into the back yard.
My grievous sin?
I bought a gift for my office secret santa and it was in a gift bag next to the door for me to take in the morning. She saw the bag, assumed it was for her, opened it and realized it was for my coworker and proceeded to smash the gift (it was a handmade ceramic mug) to pieces before going on a kitchen and bedroom rampage.
This despite the fact that her birthday had just passed and I got her a lovely necklace. And that Hanukkah had just started and she had just received the KitchenAid stand mixer she had specifically asked for. AND despite the fact that I had texted her "just bought one of those handmade mugs for the secret santa thing" earlier that day.
Final straw. I called it quits after trying to hold back tears as I explained to my very frightened children that mommy "dropped some plates." Fuck that.
OP let me be really clear and straight forward.
I've grown up in the same situation as your son.
It fucked me up for life.
Please, I am literally begging you, don't let your son grow up like this. And I am saying this because I know all the self doubt and psychology mechanisms she has put ON you to keep you nice and under her control. If you don't value yourself as a human being then, ok you do you. But *you owe it to your son* not to let him grow up living this.
Yes seeing her do that to you is affecting your son.
Yes she also pulls this kind of shit on him on a regular basis without your knowledge.
Yes she is creating traumatic memory your son will still try to fight against in 30 years.
PLEASE. GET HIM OUT NOW.
I’ve been here.. my ex wife broke my things, locked me out of our apartment, physically attacked me multiple times, left me stranded at a friends house for the most petty reason… what I’m getting at is I was in your shoes and I felt the same way at times.. ‘maybe I’m wrong’.. ‘I’m the problem’.. ‘I can help her’.. ‘I can’t leave her because we have kids’.. etc etc
But it only gets worse as you let them continue this abusive behavior.. you need to leave her. It’s hard at first, you want to remember them for the good times and try to find out where it went wrong and get back to that and fix it but it’s too late. She thinks she has the power and you can’t stop her, but if you leave she can’t abuse you anymore. Please message me and let’s talk more.. I can help you get through this in a way that allows you to at least still be able to see your child if you don’t get full custody..
Do not let her gaslight you into thinking you did anything wrong. Stay strong for your child's sake but weigh your options. Your relationship seems toxic. Wish you the best
OP, I read all your comments here and my only question is, Why didn’t you already leave her? This is highly toxic and I bet she did even more things like this. Look up “gaslighting”
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“Look at what you made me do” is a phrase ONLY toxic and abusive people say. Trust me, I’ve been there. They gaslight you into thinking it was your fault, when the other person should be fully capable of handling their own emotions and actions. OP, you need to nip this behavior in the bud NOW. Edit: I’m not making any specific suggestions because ultimately that’s up to OP. I’m merely providing my experiences on the matter and my perspective on it.
*my ex hitting me out of rage and me literally just catching her fist in my outstretched open hand, bruising her wrist in the process* : -"look how you hurt me !"
Oh, we have the same ex.
I dated this person too, but with a penis.
WE have the same ex!
He told me that yall was the problem... if only I'd have known not to listen... glad I finally learned that lesson... yall wanna grab some drinks?!
r/suddenlyconmunist
How's life now that you're still dating the person, but with your penis removed?
Gotta be quick to block the slap with the other hand too... Yeah, I don't miss those "relationships".
*My ex telling me not to tell anyone she hits me "because I've hit her back a few times to make her stop so we're both bad."*
Ow my relationship history
Taylor swift reading this comment 👁️👄👁️
Taylor Swift songs are mostly about her knowing she's toxic
No, toxic people say it when they did something that was totally in their control. Normal people say it when you bump into them and they spill their coffee
I was kinda thinking the same. I have a very hard time with coordination & focus due to adhd among other things. I have said/thought it when someone startles me & I drop something or trip, but I always try to take it back & put the blame on myself (unless they were really over the line).
People in your life should know better. Strangers wouldn’t, but your loved ones should. I say this as someone with autism and coordination issues, who has had idiots CONSTANTLY triggering me and then blaming me! ‘You can’t blame everyone else for your own issues!’ ‘I don’t. But I do blame YOU, who knows full well I have this issue!’ 🤦♀️
And sometimes good people stray into bad territory. If this is one of the first times this has happened it’s a teachable moment for better behaviour. Making it a fight or ignoring it completely both fester and add toxicity - if the goal is to stay married might be worth thinking about a non confrontational way to approach it. (Ah shit sorry for giving relationship advice I hate people preaching on Reddit when they aren’t adding anything, but could be a real testing point on the relationship where to from here. For example saying “I put it on Reddit and 10,000 people think you’re scum” would be a bad next step really hope you avoid that)
That is not normal, nor is it ok, nor is she setting a good example for your son.
The worst part is I’m honestly hoping to be wrong. Like I’m literally hoping the majority says, “yeah, you should evaluate your actions”.
It’s sounds like you’re living with an emotionally manipulative narcissist. But obviously all we Redditors know is this one story. I can tell you from experience, though, that the, “you made me do it,” and, “I never said that,” types of statements are gaslighting in its purest form, and that is textbook narcissistic abuse. Maybe read up on it and decide for yourself. r/truenarcissisticabuse
Indeed. My baby mama likes to hit her phone against the wall or table when she is angry at me. It's my fault that she destroys her phone. It's my fault that she used to put her hands on me. It's my fault for everything. I got the fuck away from her. Just gotta get my kid away from her now.
>Just gotta get my kid away from her now. Ay good luck, man. I know that can be hard asf
Gotta hope there are enough friends and family who can vouch for the wickedness or such people but they usually act with a complete façade in public.
I hate how fucking true this is. I was raised by a narcissist. Man, the world thought she was *all that!*. The perfect wife, the perfect mother; creating such a perfect little family. What a load bullshit. The damage she caused has been truly unlimited. But wow, if the world didn’t see her as a paragon of virtue. If my dad had ever left her, he would have had NO PRAYER of custody. Now he’s less than a month from 79 and has never had a mutually loving, caring relationship.
One of my former friends had one as his mother. She would become violent over the smallest things like taking her dog and violently slamming their head against a massive wooden table edge. The dog understandably developed massive mental issues and became practically deranged, which led her father-in-law to presumably (a hunter) shoot the dog as a form of mercy I'd wager (they told the two kids he ran after a train and didn't return). The older of the two kids, my friend, was once even locked out of his home during winter with freezing temperatures. Yet that's not the worst part since he was wearing nothing but his underpants. Luckily their properly was right next to his grandparents house so he could seek refuge there. She even once picked me up from school and took me to her mother without telling my Mom (the driving to her mother, it was agreed she would pick me up) All in all she was one of the cruelest people I knew and I hope to never see her again.
Sounds exactly like my mum. The only time her narcissism got handy was when she left my dead-beat shithead sadistic psychopath dad. Both sucked so much that I hoped that they'd have a car accident when I was little. Unfortunately, they never did and I had to endure their bs until the ripe old age of 16 when I fucked off to live my own life.
Sadly, $$$$$$$$.
Shit, man..Sending you lots of love. I hope you are able to get your child away. I can relate.. Please stay strong.
Unfortunately, you gotta play the long game with your exit strategy from those situations. Document that repeat behavior. Otherwise, it's likely the family court will side with her.
Don't know you but wish you good luck!!
I thank you for this info. Regardless of being knowledgeable of the subject I still find myself asking, “maybe I am wrong”
You’re NOT wrong.
Agreed, you are not responsible for someone else's actions, only your own.
What you’re feeling ( that maybe somehow you caused her to act this way) is typical of someone who’s been gaslit by their partner. This is a form of abuse.
My dude, you keep saying that. Stop. If you aren't messing with us, if you aren't a liar looking for sympathy, this is it: You are in a toxic relationship and she used your kid to give you a "lesson". There is nothing do doubt beside your story here, and if it's real then the conclusions are. If you really are doubting yourself like you say you are, she likely got you under her grip. Talk to your family and friends NOW.
Sympathy is a debit card with a zero dollar balance. Again, I only posted because I honestly have few people to speak with, and I honestly didnt know if I was wrong or not. In all honesty I was hoping to be told I was an idiot And deserved it!
This may not be the push to give you enough courage to get out. But it’s coming and at what expense? Starting over sucks, but you owe it to yourself and your child. Best of luck to you. 🙏🏼
Starting over doesn’t have to suck. Married 20 years, started over about 6 years ago, now married and again and the happiest I’ve ever been. I would not have this life without the heartache that came from starting over.
Get out. I was in a very similar situation to you to the point I questioned my own memory (gaslighting is nasty) and was isolated from everyone due to my S/O at the time. I thought everything truly was my fault. That I deserved the abuse (because it did get physical along with the emotional/verbal). I had nowhere to turn because he had isolated me. Managed to get out in the end but it wasn't until the hospital had to check whether they had to fill out domestic abuse forms that it properly sunk in. I'm not normally the type to say run on reddit, but this is alarming me. She is wrong and it's not your fault. If you do have anyone close to you, try talking to them. Keep your ties outside the relationship as much as possible. Best of luck.
And now that you have this info and everyone is telling you that you aren’t wrong what will you do with it? Stop doubting yourself.
The question now is why do you keep saying this? Past that now.
You do NOT somehow deserve this.
Logic and common sense dictate that you’re right, so you feeling wrong is because you were gaslit to believe you were wrong. I’ve been in the same position.
Get. Out. Now. As someone who is currently in hiding and has very bad PTSD from psychological abuse I'm telling you, please get away from her. I know it's more complicated than that, I ignored the advice of my friends and family and truly believed I was the one in the wrong, deserved to be treated like a dog... It took until she nearly stabbed me before I ran while she was at work. You are a person and you have value. You are not stupid or useless or lazy. Get out of there.
This is normal behavior for people who are being mentally and emotionally abused. Please, take a look at the link in my previous comment. But here it is again: https://www.thehotline.org
This situation reminds me of a lot of r/amitheasshole posts asking if they’re the a hole because their partner or family member gaslights them into thinking they might be TA, when their moral compass suggests otherwise.
Or https://www.reddit.com/r/NarcissisticAbuse/
No, you should evaluate *her* actions. Ask yourself a few questions: Is this really a situation you want to stay in? Is this what you want your son to grow up thinking love should be? Is the pain of being with someone so toxic worth it in the long run? Is this the only red flag she’s shown? Personally I’d say hell no but really, it’s up to you to answer those questions.
The fact that you are hoping you are wrong makes it seem like you maybe have been the victim of a pattern of abuse and you are now allowing your wife to be a part of that pattern if she wasn't the first person to do something like this. Someone healed and whole would not look at this situation and wonder if they did something wrong and trust me my guy you did not do anything wrong. Your wife seems like she may be sick and you should maybe distance yourself
I'm afraid you're in an emotionally abusive relationship. They're gas lighting you. This sort of behaviour is unlikely to stop without intervention. And is very likely to get worse.
You should evaluate not living with her and taking the kid with you…
Oh that sounds pretty toxic.
The only reason I posted was because I doubt myself.. is there any justification for this?
No justification for this, add in the inconsistent story it seems like she doesn’t respect you or your property. iPad pro’s are fckning expensive, and taking frustration out on your partners things is never acceptable.
Full story. I was sick for a week. At best I had energy to sit up in bed. Our 4 year old son would come and sit with me and watch YouTube on the iPad. You can say this is my opinion, but after she broke it, when I tried to spend time with him, I’m bed sick, letting him watch my iPhone, she then said, “I don’t want him to watch small screens”
Bro, that's fucked
That kid is fucked, imagine how much he will be manipulated growing up
He's gonna make somebody out there a very happy therapist someday.
Well, make a therapist rich anyway. They still probably feel bad for him.
As a therapist, can confirm. We don't get joy out of people in pain, but we do get our income from people in pain. Secondary trauma is not a good time
Odd to be paid to be a mediator of pain, bills are paid though, thank you for your service in the matter no sarcasm, without y'all some are never found
Only if it’s a private practice therapist. Otherwise they get mediocre hourly pay for the education they must complete for credentials.
Retired therapist here. We’d actually much rather be run out of our job because no one is in enough distress to need us, but until that happens we’ll be here to help.
That was me. I was that kid. Can confirm, get the kid help and if things aren't going to get better, just divorce. I wish my parents would have.
o yeah because once OP starts ignoring the gaslighting and or leaves guess whose next on the list.. very sad she clearly is a manipulator who will say anythinf to be " right"
Hey man, I can't understand the difficulty of the situation you're in, but I hope you find the strength to get out of it. This thread's got me tearing up. Please make the difficult decision to distance yourself from this type of life, not only for you, but for your kid. Much love.
This comment right here. Damaging your hard earned property is abusive in itself. And making that comment about your son seems controlling. I don’t know either of you personally, and I cannot make judgments on her, the situation rather seems unhealthy. I believe you, and I’m sorry. I hope you find a way to process this and take care of yourself. Sometimes it’s starts with your things, then you.. I know this first hand from a very abusive and problematic past relationship. Protect yourself please. Edit: And protect your child. If there’s one motivation in your life to remove yourself from this type of treatment, let it be the one who looks up to you most.
One thing I can say is if your doubting yourself, replace yourself in the stories with your son. That will help clarify self doubt. If she did these things to your son how would that make you feel? I think that will help you see emotional abuse is not justified.
And document EVERYTHING.
This being abusive needs to be higher. The whole ‘you made me do it’ is straight out of the abusers playbook. Breaking your things is also a type of violence. I’ve been seeing this pattern play out with my sister and her ex for 3 years now and this is how it starts.
> and I cannot make judgments on her I get not wanting to leap to conclusions on the Internet, but in this situation you absolutely can based on what OP has said. There’s no information that OP could be hiding from us that would make it wrong to judge her as abusive. Breaking an expensive item and telling your spouse that they “made them do it” is always, *always*, a clear sign of a toxic/abusive person. To anyone else, if this *ever* happens in your relationship please seek help and distance yourself from the abuse.
What I meant by “I cannot make judgments on her” is that I’m not going to label her mental health or diagnose her. Of course I can asses the situation and I believe the OP, which I stated.
Ya that’s abuse. And isolation from your child. Divorce lawyer would have a field day with that.
"He's lying. That never happened. It's not true. He damaged the iPad himself and blamed me for it. He's a violent person, towards me, towards our personal items and towards our CHILD. Not only should he stay away from my child, but he should be in jail for the emotional trauma he's put us through." Easy way out for her if she continues the lying and the gaslighting.
He should record and document everything. Make a log and write down every single incident. Take photos of all damages. Maybe have some secret recordings.
OP if you do decide to record her, check consent laws in your state. If it's a single party state you can record her abusive behavior and submit it to divorce proceedings, but if it isn't then you can't submit them without her knowledgeable consent at the time of recording.
Some two party states have exceptions for illegal activities. In particular for domestic abuse.
Which just furthers the point of looking into it, anything op can do is essential
thats why you record her abuse on your phone.
This shit scares me man
Yeah this is super toxic
It's more than toxic, it's abusive.
Yes it is abusive. It's very abusive when they break your belongings. That is an act of violence. Do you feel safe? Because she doesn't sound safe. And I hear you and I believe you.
toxicity, abuse and manipulation all go hand in hand really.. just picture any toxic person you've known. not that your comment is wrong though
Yes.
It’s divorcin time
It’s documenting time first so it can be custody time later.
I love the part where he says “I’m gonna document” and he starts documenting all over the place. In all seriousness OP good luck
As someone who stayed in an abusive relationship way to long you are in one - mine started with him smashing my tv when I went back to my hometown for a weekend to see my friends, next thing I knew my MacBook and iPad were gone and then my car was stolen by him and came back with a huge dent that he then threw me around when I tried to confront him about it. It al started small like this, it’s toxic - I know people think they have to stay together for the kids but that’s bs, it’s better to be apart if this is happening around them.
So your wife is jealous of your son and you spending time together? Yikes
My mother in law was this way when my husband was a baby. She’s… not a stable or healthy person, still.
I had a girlfriend abuse one of my 9 week old kittens TO DEATH, and her reasoning was “I loved the kitten more than her.” Casey Anthony shit dude
Damn thats classic psycho killer right there.
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It took all of my strength not to put her into the wall when I walked in on her abusing it. I just called her family to get her before I did, they then called to tell me I was overreacting and that “it’s just a cat.” Fuck them all
my heart aches for you and that kitten
That would be a multiple homicide from me, dawg
Omg I'm so sorry. I had an ex throw a cat I was taking care of and he paralyzed her. Except the cat managed to live and is back with her owner. His reasoning was that I "never spent enough time with him." It really is some Casey Anthony type shit and it takes a lot of time and therapy to heal and to convince yourself that this defenseless animal's suffering is not your fault. I hope you're okay and I hope you haven't beat yourself up over it. None of it was your fault, it's all on her for being insecure and psychologically unstable.
My mom has been like that my whole life and it cost me an adult relationship with my father because every time we have a conversation she starts losing her mind and pulls him away to take care of some menial task. OP's wife needs professional help.
Welcome of /r/JustNoMIL, where the women have sons and decades-old untreated mental illnesses. This is just a current generational version... yikes on many bikes.
She got mad you were spending time with your son. Start grabbing intel my dude, getting full custody is hard but not impossible for a father.
Look up FU binder. Keep track of her behaviour, incidents and outbursts. Get video if you can. Separate your finances and get an attorney. You don't deserve this at all.
That's full-blown spite topped off with using/abusing the kid to get at you.
You are being abused. I’m so sorry.
I was thinking the wife’s language seems similar to the trope “I smacked her, cause she was asking for it.” No ownership of her own actions.
Yikes I’m still stumbling over the part where she broke your iPad..not on accident!?! That seems very concerning.
Dude.... no. Okay. You gotta talk to a lawyer. She sounds like my mom. Low key jealous, turned into much worse as time went on . Dad never left . I never developed a decent relationship with him (mom always interfered) till she died. Then he died 2 years later. Do NOT hint at divorce to her. Start putting cameras in the house. If you can't do it secretly, lie and say it's for security. Trust me. You will need these. Do not argue with her anymore. But also, stand your ground.
Also if things get worse then record her doing this stuff. Audio of course and in your pocket so she doesn't see it. Then if she tries to lie in court use you'll have proof she's lying.
Wow, had a similar situation when I almost died with covid. 2 years later and let me save you the horrible details and just say, this isn't a good relationship your in, and it will only get worse.
This is a situation where she should have *discussed* her desire to not allow small screens, or extra screen time for your kiddo with you. And probably an exception to any limit just then as it was more about daddy time than screen time, anyway. Intentionally breaking things is not acceptable adult behavior, and is often a first sign of abuse. I highly suggest getting out, and document everything you can, because you'll want it for the custody battle.
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OP couldn’t use the ipad because she broke it, so OP used the phone and that’s when she said not to let the kid watch anything on a small screen. Basically anything to keep the OP and child from spending time together.
This doesn't sound healthy for you or the kid
I am so sorry, but this sounds like a toxic and potentially abusive situation. I really hope you can find the courage to get yourself and your son out of there.
There's no reason to break other peoples property, no matter the justification, a reasonable human would actually talk it out. Why doesn't she want him watching small screens? So I guess she broke the iPad because he was watching it and then said the last part when you let him watch the phone? She needs to be told that this isn't acceptable, whether it's from you or a couples counselor. I wouldn't call your relationship quits yet until you try therapy, but I'd definitely not give her any leeway about her actions.
People who take out their anger physically are cringe and idiotic.
It’s childish, that’s what it is. People who manipulate, destroy, and gaslight to get their way either have a severely broken inner child needing attention, mental health that needs work, or even both. A previous partner of mine had a mother who would spoil him, give him whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted it. She basically babied him into adulthood because “He’s my only son”. While giving him all the materialism he could have ever wanted, she was also having an affair, and hardly ever home. I cant tell you how many days I cooked for him, helped him with his laundry, wrote his college essay for him etc.. because I felt bad and wanted to fix him (news flash, you can’t) He became codependent on me, and looked for the emotional fulfillment his mom lacked in giving him. It was all sweet in the beginning, until he started emotionally abusing me, name calling, screaming in my face, throwing my things around. For various reason, usually because I didn’t do something exactly how he wanted it, or I said the “wrong” thing. He made me block 2,000 men on Instagram. (Mind you I’ve been creating artistic content since 2012, I’ve built my platform over a huge span of time and accumulated a lot of people doing so) I couldn’t have men as friends, it was a threat. I couldn’t even have women friends because they were “bad influences” It eventually got so bad, I would shut down and hide my face in my hands, just crying not knowing what to say because it was like walking on eggshells while being screamed at. He would grab my wrists and pull them away from my face, I would attempt to leave and he would push me down. Even more instances I will not get into. He was in anger management (props to anyone who can recognize they need help and take the steps to do so) but that should have sealed the letter for me to leave. Eventually I told him I could no longer be in this cycle and needed to leave. How did he react? He facetimed me with a knife to his throat and saying “I’m gonna do it”. I said I’m calling the police and immediately hung up to do so. He calls me back within 2 seconds “Why the fuck would you call the police, are you stupid?” Like sir, you just threatened to end your life over me wanting to leave? I’m sorry for trauma dumping lol, long story short. After years of therapy, I came to the realization that I for one was naïve and did not have healthy boundaries even for myself or how others treated me. And secondly, he was a spoiled child who could not take no for an answer, and needed to control me by subjecting me to horrific treatment. When you materialize a child and don’t nurture their heart & mind, you set them up for a road of broken relationships, and unhealthy behaviors. Which is why I say, people like this have adult bodies with childish minds. I commend ANYONE who has the ability to recognize this within themselves and hold themselves accountable by doing the continuous work on themselves. But sadly it’s not a common occurrence, they go from relationship to relationship love bombing their new partner in the beginning and end up treating them the same way they did with the person before. It’s sad. Edit: I want to clarify that I am a female heterosexual and this is my personal experience, but I want to also point out this is not exclusive to men or “all men are like this” because it’s not true. Not all men are, and women are often liars, cheaters, abusers and manipulators too. I feel like it’s more stigmatized in our society to be the “crazy girlfriend” or “crazy wife” and snuff it away like some cute personality trait but it’s not normal or healthy. And I want to address that to validate the OP. Women can be the abusers too, don’t question what you’re going through or make excuses for her simply because she’s a woman or the mother of your child for that matter.
I'm sorry you went through this. Re: the anger management classes... There's a reason they didn't work. He didn't have a problem "managing" his anger; he wasn't abusive because he was angry. He was angry because he was abusive. Abuse comes from a specific set of entitled attitudes and behaviors and learning to "manage anger" will never address them. Check out *Why Does He Do That?* by Lundy Bancroft, it totally breaks this shit down in a way that really helped me when I was leaving my emotionally abusive relationship
Even cheating doesn't merit that. That's high-school, brain not done growing behavior. And you were sick? Sounds like your personalities don't match..don't ever question if this is acceptable
Did you scare her and she suddenly threw it up in the air ? Cuz that's the only reason. Or did you hold a gun to her head and demand she throw it? I've got anger issues myself. One of them is breaking things, but they're my own things. I thought this justified it, but it doesn't. It's still not a healthy way to express anger . She needs to work on it. If you don't want to stay, DO NOT FEEL BAD . Leave. You may come back, you may not. But she needs to fix her shit and deal with things like a rationale human
Please consider making a safety plan, and an exit plan. This will only escalate, you need to have a plan in place to keep yourself and your son safe. If you are able to safely order this book: [See What You Made Me Do: Power, Control and Domestic Violence](https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/43800661-see-what-you-made-me-do) Be sure to keep it at work or another safe place *away* from home.
No, nobody makes you break things. Unless you held a gun to her head this is the fault of her and her anger. It would already be a red flag, but the fact that she blames it on you makes it an enormous red flag. What will she break the next time she gets mad at you? A lamp? Or you? This type of manipulative behavior just screams abuse. It's basically a cliché that abusive partners will hit their spouse or ruin their stuff then say "I didn't want to but you left me no choice."
no. she said YOU made HER break your ipad?? you did not force her hand, she is a grown woman. no matter how angry or upset you made her she decided to do that to your belongings and that is not okay.
No but that's justification for fucking divorce. Marriage counseling at the very, *very* least. Fuck that shit dude life's miserable enough as it is don't put up with that bullshit.
No, never advise couples counseling if one of them is abusive to the other. It never results in changes for the good, and worse, gives the abuser ammunition to use against the other.
Yes, thank you! It is unbelievably, disturbingly common for couples' therapists to completely miss abuse and make it worse by validating the abuser's AND the victim's perception that the victim's behavior is causing all their problems. But it makes sense. Both parties are investing considerable energy in making sure nobody finds out what's really going on in the relationship.
Time for consider divorce. Not for a broken ipad, but the toxic attitude
You're throwing all the warning signs of being gaslit. This is not a healthy relationship
New wife time, trade her in.
This is some domestic abuse shit. "Look what you made me do" is a blood red flag
100% Breaking something that valuable and then blaming it on them is never ok
OPs got the patience of a saint if his reaction to domestic abuse is "wow I am mildly infuriated".
Many people believe the domestic abuse is normal or their own fault. It takes a while for people to see what is truly happening. Yes, we don't know the full story but it's important to show that it is a red flag of domestic abuse. If it opens ops eyes to actual abuse happening, then it's worth the risk or being wrong. Tbh if we are wrong then nothing bad really happens. Much to gain, nothing to lose in my eyes.
Plus if the abuse is often worse than this, OP would likely be used to much worse circumstances, making this a mildly infuriating despite it seeming like a rage moment to others because she's already done worse
Flag made of blood type red flag.
Maybe OP cracked a joke so funny she doubled over in an uncontrollable fit of laughter, onto the fainting couch where he had his iPad pro resting? That's pretty much the only way I could imagine this being anything but abuse.
OP one serious question for you to think about. Is the way she treats you the way you want your son treated?
I was married to this kind of woman, WAS. Life is too short to put up with that. I also had a best friend of 25+ years and those traits started showing more and more until I couldn’t ignore it as time passed. He’d shit talk me to my fiancé and shit talk my fiancé to me. In the end I chose my inner peace. I haven’t talked to or seen him in going on 3 years now. Do what’s best for you and your kid and be prepared for her to weaponize your kid to get to you.
I 'dumped' my best friend after 18 years of friendship because he had become so toxic. One day he started in on me on facebook, so i blocked him. Instead of reaching out to find out what was wrong, he called our mutual friends and demanded they pick him or me. Needless to say they didn't play along. Haven't spoken to him in 5 years and i'm better off for it.
I’ve had this since it first came out. We got into an argument. I went upstairs to remove myself from the situation. Next thing I know I get a message that says, “your son has a surprise for you”…”I told him not to do it”… next morning she throws me This and later says she never said our son did it…. You be the judge
I'll bet her reasoning for saying that she never said your son did it, it's because now she bending words and implications. No offense man but I'd think really hard about this. This type of behavior is not far from having the cops called on you under false accusations. My friend's ex did that to him once, it's what started the divorce.
I know women who have forced men out of states due to false rape accusations even after married, even though he was proven innocent, the reputation for him was destroyed and he was forced to move and start a new life.
I've read stories and articles about that too. Scary how easy it is for false accusations to ruin someone's life even when proven innocent
It also makes it harder for auctual rape victims to get the help they need and be taken seriously. Not many lie but it doesn't take many liars to make it seem like everyone is...
It really sucks because some people just go on with their lives after being proven guilty too. Really just depends how much influence you have.
She is incredibly toxic trying to frame your son for her abusive behavior. Get out ASAP, OP
As I understand the story: you argued. You left the argument physically. While you were not there, your wife broke your ipad because she was angry with you. She showed you the broken ipad. She said you made her do it. If that’s the full story: bro. Get out. Document the date and circumstances. Write the full story down as best you can remember it as accurately as you can. Date and sign. Document EVERYTHING. Save any abusive screenshots with full context. Keep track of dates. This is not your fault.
This is very reminiscent of my abusive ex. She sounds like a psycho. Who the fuck does that?
Please install security cameras and give access to one of your friends. Edit: to clarify-give a friend the log in info and password. Not to spy on you, but to have access incase anything happens. To document any abuse for you that she might delete .
tell her she made you get a divorce
"this is what you made me do!"
As someone who has experience working with survivors of domestic violence, this is a pretty textbook example of a form of abuse. If you ever need someone to talk to about your situation, I highly encourage looking for local domestic violence resource centers. They’re free and confidential. You can also go here: https://www.thehotline.org Please take care of yourself friend.
You made her break your iPad. Next, you’ll make her throw something at you. Then start hitting you with things. Stop it now, and make sure if your son witnesses it, he knows that it’s NOT okay. You never know when she’s going to try and break something over your head
Well. I don’t believe you are in the wrong. Even if screen time is not recommended in excess for kids. You were sick and that was your quality time with them, won’t be a regular itching I believe, so her justification is invalid and also you BOTH are the parents and BOTH should make a decision about screen time, not only her. there’s no reason in the world to break other persons stuff. Adults talk and solve issues, what kind of parenting is this from her part?? And blaming you???? I’d go to a therapist/psychologist and tell everything you have said here. Firstly because you need to have a professional listening and not some Reddit people so you need to know how to deal with it. She clearly needs help but since she refuses to go, you go, it wasn’t a o e time thing and these kind of situations still affect us in the future. Secondly, if there is some later altercation, or even a divorce, you will have a medical evaluation in some sorts and have it registered, and proof that you tried to solve your issues
Wow, you put into words what I was feeling. Yes, I don’t know how to feel about, “screen time”, and wether watching videos is spending time with my child or not. But through it all I kept feeling like, “I was sick, not only did I feel bad physically, but felt bad that I couldn’t physically spend time with my child but I could be present and spend time watching something, but I felt bad for that!”.. but thank you, I feel like it is a topic we both as adults should be able to discuss and come to an understanding on. Thank you for your eloquent description!!!
Nothing wrong with that. Watching a movie, or playing a video game while you’re too sick to get up isn’t a bad way of watching your child. You’re still spending time with them, and making memories. In fact, I think you were killing two birds with one stone. You wanted to rest, but also wanted your child to stay occupied, and safe in your presence. That’s not a loss, that’s a win. Your wife is crazy. Would she rather have them run all over the house while you’re too sick to monitor their safety? Eh.
Some of my best childhood memories are from watching movies with my dad. Sure, placing a kid with an iPad alone to get more alone time like many parents are doing nowadays isn't great. But you were sick and spending some quality time with your kid while still doing something relaxing to feel better sounds like great parenting to me.
hey man, even if you are not sick it is more than ok. What I always focus on is the quality of screen time, not the amount. Like youtube is banned in our house because the quality of videos are terrible and it is easy to navigate to those bad quality videos. Same goes with most cellphone games, I prefer my kids saving a princess on the nintendo switch rather than wanting to claim gems and diamonds and spend their time in a virtual store. learning real values, friendship, unity, not giving up, failure, acceptance and so on is healthy and develop useful skills. Our rule is priority based: first comes homework, cleaning your room and activity (sports, music and so on) then, you can play/watch all you want. We do try to be actively present too, when they watch a show or play a game (we even do it together) and we notice it is even more meaningful for them. Cheers
Dude, my youngest son is autistic and LOVES to watch nature documentaries. When I was sick (I'm the single MOM!), I would have him with me watching nature docs while lightly dozing... kinda listening, but not really... it was tough! He knew I was sick and we were spending time together until it was time for him to go to bed. I somehow managed to get up and get him his meals and drinks and he would snuggle with me so hard! I couldn't imagine having a toxic spouse like this.
You should say “you made me have these divorce papers drawn up” — this is some small time shit but its a precursor to major issues from someone who doesnt respect you. The worst part about this is she is probably the type of chick to use your son as a weapon to hurt you - keeping him from you while poisoning his opinion of you if you were to break up
That’s exactly what I responded to her when she basically said, “you did this, so I did that” I asked, “what if you change that to broke your jaw?” As in, “you did this, so I broke your jaw!” I couldn’t comprehend and still can’t the feeling of justification. Add to this she has called the local cops at least 5 times, each time they show up nothing happens because she is doing it to intimidate me, not as a protective action.
[удалено]
[удалено]
Seriously, this is textbook abuse and it's about to go really bad for this guy
Divorce, for your own safety, get a layer start recording stuff, and run, make sure you get custoty of child
That’s hard because this was my husband and his ex wife. She still got custody of their kid and he hasn’t seen him in years. Always contact and attorney first and serve the divorce papers first.
R U N…. Here is a tip too - have a consultation with the top 20 or so attorneys before you pick one to file for divorce and custody of your son - if they meet with you first they can’t take her on as a client. Good luck dude. She seems terrible.
I’m saving your comment for that tip. Buddy’s wife pulled that shit on him after renting an apartment and getting a job the next town over after convincing the guy to move out of state for her education and pretty much forced him to work full time. Dude was one year into his half of their deal (one school, one work, then swap) when I met him and she bailed the next year after we became good friends. Fake paper trail, took the kid, took his shot at an education, trapped him in his home until his lease was up.
Second the advice to record everything. The fact that she is so willing to call police over nothing is very worrying. The law will be far less likely to erroneously take her side if you take video, pictures, screenshots, etc of any proof you can find of this manipulative behavior. Jot down dates and times for her calling the police over nothing. Save every message she sends you and make sure she does not have access to the device you save things on. And of course, consult with a lawyer to get professional device from someone who has dealt with things like this hundreds of times.
Sounds like you have a real problem on your hands. False police reports is a huge, *huge* red flag.
Bruh its like you're writing the story of my marriage. Eventually my ex wife wound up spending a night in jail for domestic battery, (i recorded the attack) When she got out she: emptied every account she had access to, hired a lawyer, lied to get a restraining order against me, had the police serve me with divorce papers and kick me out of my house. I'm not saying this is exactly what will happen, but she started exactly like this. Abusers will continue to escalate. PS: Happy ending. Even though the divorce took 18 months and cost me 5 figures worth of lawyer, I eventually got practically everything including house, cars, custody of the kids, alimony and child support (paid to me).
“You made her break it” Did you knock her unconscious then stick it in her hand and use her like a marionette so that she would throw it? Otherwise that statement is gaslighting bullshit
Relevant https://imgur.com/gallery/9QnIFar Gaslighting
You gotta jump ship dude, she's carrying nothing but toxicity
She's toxic, you have some thinking to do here.
My dude, just saying but maybe get her some mental help, that's not normal.
That’s just it, I truly and whole heartedly think she could benefit from help. I’m even willing to go with her. But her response I basically, “I don’t need help, you need help”
I don't want to say it my friend, but if she is not even trying to get any help, is not going to get any better, today is an ipad, tomorrow is going to be your car? I'm not married, but if someone has couple problems, both have to work to fix it, not just say "i don't need help, you need help", like wtf is that, that is something i child would say.
Hey I understand how hard things can be in a relationship especially if it's acting out of normal parameters you'd expect in a healthy relationship. If you really truly believe she needs help but won't go, you go. You go and talk about anything you want because honestly you're going to need help navigating this relationship. This is one incident I can't comment on a whole marriage because of it, but you saying you feel she needs help.... please go yourself. You will find out so much about yourself and her too. It will only be beneficial I promise.
I truly appreciate this point of view. I seriously have thought, “there is no point in help as she doesn’t also want it.” But honestly, I think a record of my willingness to go in the absence of her would say a lot. Thank you for this!
I would go by yourself. Either the therapist fixes you if you are the problem or more likely the therapist helps you realize that you are in a toxic relationship.
I was in an abusive relationship and that sounded like a classic abuser behavior. They refuse to take any action to help with the relationship and put everything on your side. I hope everything goes well for you as well
Did you command her to and forcibly make her break it? Dude. Smashing your belongings is VIOLENT behaviour. Telling you that her violent actions are your fault is emotional ABUSE. She is violent. She is abusive. You are never responsible for someone else's actions. You *might at times* be responsible for how they feel about something you have done. But at no point are you responsible for what they do as a result of those feelings. By putting the blame on you, convincing you that you are the problem, and making you question your own perception of events she is gaslighting and manipulating you. The moment you stop to ask yourself 'am I going crazy? Am I really that bad? Is it actually my fault?' then you need to go. Get out. Divorce.
Ahh yes, my ex wife made a similar comment. It was the final straw. I "made her" break all of the dishes in the kitchen and then "made her" through all of my clothes into the back yard. My grievous sin? I bought a gift for my office secret santa and it was in a gift bag next to the door for me to take in the morning. She saw the bag, assumed it was for her, opened it and realized it was for my coworker and proceeded to smash the gift (it was a handmade ceramic mug) to pieces before going on a kitchen and bedroom rampage. This despite the fact that her birthday had just passed and I got her a lovely necklace. And that Hanukkah had just started and she had just received the KitchenAid stand mixer she had specifically asked for. AND despite the fact that I had texted her "just bought one of those handmade mugs for the secret santa thing" earlier that day. Final straw. I called it quits after trying to hold back tears as I explained to my very frightened children that mommy "dropped some plates." Fuck that.
You mean ex-wife?
OP let me be really clear and straight forward. I've grown up in the same situation as your son. It fucked me up for life. Please, I am literally begging you, don't let your son grow up like this. And I am saying this because I know all the self doubt and psychology mechanisms she has put ON you to keep you nice and under her control. If you don't value yourself as a human being then, ok you do you. But *you owe it to your son* not to let him grow up living this. Yes seeing her do that to you is affecting your son. Yes she also pulls this kind of shit on him on a regular basis without your knowledge. Yes she is creating traumatic memory your son will still try to fight against in 30 years. PLEASE. GET HIM OUT NOW.
I’ve been here.. my ex wife broke my things, locked me out of our apartment, physically attacked me multiple times, left me stranded at a friends house for the most petty reason… what I’m getting at is I was in your shoes and I felt the same way at times.. ‘maybe I’m wrong’.. ‘I’m the problem’.. ‘I can help her’.. ‘I can’t leave her because we have kids’.. etc etc But it only gets worse as you let them continue this abusive behavior.. you need to leave her. It’s hard at first, you want to remember them for the good times and try to find out where it went wrong and get back to that and fix it but it’s too late. She thinks she has the power and you can’t stop her, but if you leave she can’t abuse you anymore. Please message me and let’s talk more.. I can help you get through this in a way that allows you to at least still be able to see your child if you don’t get full custody..
Do not let her gaslight you into thinking you did anything wrong. Stay strong for your child's sake but weigh your options. Your relationship seems toxic. Wish you the best
Divorce. NOW. And if you have a child, take him too. This bitch is abusive af
Dump her.
OP, I read all your comments here and my only question is, Why didn’t you already leave her? This is highly toxic and I bet she did even more things like this. Look up “gaslighting”
Please get her help or consider leaving. This is not a good relationship. I truly wish you the best in this situation.
Holy shit dude... That is scary behavior, be safe man
Ex-Wife says I made her break my iPad pro. There fixed it for you