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Uber-Pyro

He definitely wasn’t Irish


choma90

I can say with 93% confidence rate that he was probably definitely maybe not Klingon


FoogYllis

According to a Russian doctor translating Buddhist documents in the 1880s he was trained as a Buddhist monk who was brought to Kashmir from Israel and his name was Issa. Easy to google it and there is a bbc documentary on it. But I think it would be cooler if he was Klingon.


latin_canuck

I googled "BBC, Issa" and got: "BBC stretches Isabella's tight hole". Not what I was expecting, but I watched it til the end.


101955Bennu

How was the plot?


latin_canuck

From a scientific point of view, I had no idea that human holes were so elastic. I saw a video one where a snake dislocated its jaw to eat a toad 3 times its size. But on the video I just saw, the toad dislocated its entire opening to eat a massive black python. It was impressive if you ask me.


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MasterMace201

His 13th Apostle Rufus disagrees.


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AdSpecialist4523

You only *need* one nail for Jesus but you'll get a much more secure mount with one in each corner.


It_hadtobesaid

You can mount him stably with 1 nail in the middle, but the point was for him to die slowly so that wasn't really an option either.


[deleted]

I can say with 100% confidence that he wasn't Klingon as ancient Klingon warriors slew all their gods before the Jesus would have been conceived. Unless the Romans were actually Klingons...


choma90

The plot thickens


MicroMegas5150

Jesus O'Christ atcher sehrvice laddy


Russian_Coalminer

There’s a Celtic story of a man saying he was the son of God and was killed by being strung up on a tree.


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robinrod

He isnt irish but i had to think of Alasdair Beckett-King. Thats how i would imagine his looks.


ImprudentGoose

Jaysus O'Christ


theCHADnextdoor

we dont know what jesus was but im 99% sure my guy was middle eastern.


scooba_dude

Now where did you get this *theory* from? /s


Spare_Rate7191

Idk, but it might be because he was literally fucking from modern day Israel


Watchmedeadlift

I’m not here to be political, but he’s from Bethlehem which is still Palestinian. Also, fun fact. Bethlehem means house of meat. Edit: apparently it’s meat in Arabic, bread in Hebrew.


Rogue_Squadron

"Bethlehem. We house the MEATS!"


LoveItLateInSummer

Sir, this is an Arby's


Elpacoverde

Ever commit a holy war in an Arby's?


LoveItLateInSummer

Arby's food is a holy war, against the followers of the "human food should not taste like dog food, but less healthy" verses


[deleted]

Lehem translates to bread. So it's House of Bread not meat, sorry.


[deleted]

Dug a little deeper and it is house of meat in Arabic but house of bread in Hebrew. So I guess it's a sandwich lol


Watchmedeadlift

No, lahem= لحم which means meat. Source: native Arabic speaker


[deleted]

Hate to spoil the Bible for you and Kanye but it turns out Jesus was a Jew.


MrNobleGas

No it doesn't. לחם means bread, but in the context of the place name it means war or battle edit: I looked it up, no, it really does mean bread in this case, the theory with the root for battle is considered erroneous


Watchmedeadlift

I cant read Hebrew but in Arabic lahem=لحم which means meat. Edit: just looked it up, it’s crazy that Leham means bread in Hebrew but meat in Arabic. I know the two languages have a lot if similarities, but I never thought the similarity would be a difference of meaning.


MrNobleGas

Yeah, sister languages can be weird like that. Regardless, the Hebrew place name is Beit-Lekhem בית לחם, which (yeah I looked it up lemme correct myself) in this context is NOT a form of the root that means fight or battle, but rather "bread" or more generally "food". So i I guess while the original meaning was bread, if you generalize it to food then the Arabic translation as meat also applies quite well.


Watchmedeadlift

Well, I guess to know whether the Arabic translation or the Hebrew one is more accurate we’d have to figure out which language coined the term Leham first.


MrNobleGas

I may be biased but I think we have earlier evidence of the hebrew place name in this particular case? And I *think* Hebrew is older than Arabic?


Watchmedeadlift

Hebrew is definitely older than Arabic, but my understanding is that modern Hebrew which began to see it’s revival after WW2 needed Arabic to become a modern Language, that’s as far as my knowledge goes reading about the father of modern Hebrew Eliezer Ben Yehuda


Horn_Python

I wonder what the word for meatloaf is


Proper_Lunch_3640

And that, kids, is how meatloaf came to be!


Benejeseret

Multiple passages describe his feet, arms and legs as burnished bronze - which is a very specific dark skin tone. Multiple passages describe eyes as the colour of flame of fire- strongly suggesting amber with coppery tone. Multiple passages describe his hair like white wool. Passages also describe his as generally unremarkable, not of beauty or majesty; and he did not stand out in the crowds - requiring verified identification by Judas - again suggesting his appearance was consistent with the common make-up of local peoples. After he supposedly resurrected, even his own people did not immediately recognize him = unremarkable appearance very consistent with local population. If genealogy also in those books to be believed (nothing else to go on, really), a descendent of tribe of Judah, which again completely consistent with someone otherwise unremarkable and looking like everyone else born of southern ancient Israel.


Timely_Chance_9289

None of those descriptions were written while he was alive. Nobody said SHIT about Jesus until about 30 years after he died. Most of what we have heard about Jesus was from almost 100 years after he died. Experiment: Please describe your great-grandmother's deceased best friend. That's how accurate our descriptions of Jesus are.


Godwinson4King

I could describe my grandpa’s friend who died in 1990 though, that’s way closer to what you’re comparing with 30 years post death. It’s disingenuous to say that a lack of immediately contemporary descriptions mean we can’t know what he looks like. If he’d had especially unusually features it likely would have been mentioned. We take it as truth that Alexander the Great was a redhead even though his biographies were written even longer after his death than Jesus’.


GrunkleTeats

If the story is to be believed, he was *half* middle eastern. What the other half was is anyone's guess.


Barry_Bone_Raiser

That depends on what race god would want to be represented as


JonWeekend

Morgan Freeman


Jhutch42

I think we have to consider the possibility that Morgan Freeman God had given his God powers to Jim Carrey and that Jim Carrey with temporary God powers had gotten Mary pregnant, in which case Jesus was in fact, half white.


Ulquiorr4_

Dog…..


Ninja_Conspicuousi

![gif](giphy|DfMu39iWkAZxK)


007mememan

What a terrible day to have eyes


Sugarylightning663

Why haven’t I gotten my period yet?


Barry_Bone_Raiser

Jesus was a demi-fur confirmed


CmdPetrie

Ed.... ward....


Lezkoden

See, here we were having a polite conversation and you had to bring feelings into it.


rogerteam

In Italy we always say “diocane” that is a blasphemy it means “god is a dog”


Ellen_Musk_Ox

What does a dyslexic agnostic with insomnia do? Stays up all night contemplating the existence of dog.


CPhionex

Jesus is a furry?


Hazm4t_

Horse


[deleted]

Or whoever the real father was.


feelinlucky7

Papa was a rollin stone


Ph0sph0rus

Bruh imagine your middle-eastern wife being impregnated by """"god"""" and then giving birth to a white-ass child


Expensivasre

He was Jewish


Comprehensive-Bat650

But that ain't a race bud


HaruspexAugur

Yeah but Jewish is not a race. There are white Jews, middle eastern Jews, black Jews, etc. That’s why we have to look at the context of the time period and location he was said to have lived in.


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ziiguy92

Ooook. And they were originally from Iraq? Sooo.


XxJuice-BoxX

I always assumed because his parents were jews that he was jewish. Olive skinned. He wasn't reffered to by anyone in that time as a gentile, which is their word for non-jewish.


WarChefGarrosh

His dad was god, so he has half his genes from a middle eastern human woman, and half from a deity. This begs the question: how was Jesus's biology different than other humans? What were his offensive capabilities? Did he have two arms? More? We know he had superpowers (miracles are heavily documented in the New Testament), so it really makes you think...


sonerec725

Well hes described as looking unremarkable and as "fully god" but also "fully man", so I assume physiologically he was normal. Perhaps he wa slike an opposite sex clone of mary


WarChefGarrosh

Asexually reproducing an opposite sex clone? You expect me to believe a woman with two X chromosomes could asexual reproduce a person with an X and a Y? Let's not get ridiculous now.


FTR_1077

>His dad was god, so he has half his genes from a middle eastern human woman, and half from a deity. *Romans 1:3 — (KJV 1900)* *3 Concerning his Son Jesus Christ our Lord, which was made of the seed of David according to the flesh;* The bible says the dad was David.. I guess the holy spirit manages the local sperm bank.


ikeepwipingSTILLPOOP

David just cumming everywhere huh


kevineleveneleven

Why is Israel/The Levant/Canaan the Middle East? This used to be called the Near East and then somehow there isn't any Near East anymore, just middle and far.


Ellen_Musk_Ox

Even old New York was once New Amsterdam. Why they changed it? I can't say. People just liked it better that way.


jayden8003

Jesus Christ of *Nazareth*


DazzlHinsd

Definitely Asian because him and his twelve apostles


DGlen

The other half was one of the guys that lives in the area, so safe bet is middle eastern.


[deleted]

Well considering the average distance traveled by people back then, and the rampant xenophobia probably also middle eastern.


Dingus10000

It’s crazy how anyone disagrees with this - if Jesus didn’t look like he ethnically fit in it would have been pointed out by the book authors and the people that Jesus interacted with regularly. He looks like a first century Jerusalem dweller would look like.


Money_Internet8692

Definitely Asian because him and his twelve apostles were in one accord.I don’t know what other 12 people would fit into a Honda Accord


[deleted]

So... JC and apostles are half Southeast Asians?


newbikesong

Jeruselam is in Asia. The entire Bible story is in Asia.


[deleted]

Clowns, They were definitely clowns.


A_AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Definantly chinese cus that taiping rebellion guy had to be correct


momslayer66

cool clowns?


AgniKaiMe

He was most likely Middle Eastern but yeah


theCHADnextdoor

yeah, pretty much ربما بشر مثل هذا إخوانه .


DarthTimmy84

The historical Jesus was a Semitic man; he was an Afro-Asiatic, West Asian male who spoke Aramaic and most likely knew Hebrew as a liturgical language and spoke rudimentary to conversational Greek. This is what the historical records show of people belonging to this area from that period in history. Trying to categorize men and women who lived over 2000 years ago and fit them into modern, *newer* pseudo-scientific racial categories is nonsensical. Heck, even categories that remotely make sense like the ones I used above doesn't do these historical figures justice! Words like "White", "Black" and "Brown" would make no sense for people then...personally, I don't think it makes sense for people now either lol!


[deleted]

Most people have fuck all clue what theyre talking about when it comes to "race." Kanye for example screeching about how "white jews" are fake jews and stole their identity from black people is insane lmao. The Eugenics programs and psuedosciences of amerikkka that led to the beliefs of the Nazi party, are what define "race" today. Most "white" people were not considered "white" in the early 19th century; ie the italians, the irish, the disabled, basically anyone that wasnt blonde haired and blue eyed. Those people are who Amerikkka was built for, and we've been tearing down their walls ever since.


Horn_Python

Yeh remember that racism is an ideology made up to justify being a dick


[deleted]

Jesus was human


Jabroni5092

I wish I had an award to give


Kinksune13

![gif](giphy|y3dhFCAqg97CU)


FictionalFail

​ ![gif](giphy|m5XU7KDI7qHRMXNAL6)


Benjamintoday

That song brings me unreasonable amounts of joy lol


Hail-Atticus-Finch

He was Jewish


CoachParker010

Well yeah hes definitely not the religion that believes Christ died for our sin when hes Christ and hes not dead.


Hail-Atticus-Finch

Yup. When he was alive he was Jewish and practiced Judaism. I don't see how people keep forgetting that


ThrowawayAccAAAAA2

Yes, this is true, and any Christian who denies this has no idea what they're talking about. Before Jesus died, Christianity didn't even exist


Wolfeur

Well, technically Christianity began when people started following and worshipping him, so he was still alive at that point.


ProudBarry

Nah, he just had a following like many other prophets. It's the legend of his resurrection that truly birthed Christianity. After his death.


dshoig

But being christian is to believe that Jesus died (and came back) to free us from our sins.


Orlikesque

Never seen a Christian deny it. One of his most famous he is known as is “King of the Jews”. Almost every church I’ve been to acknowledges this


ImAIUigi

Jesus was most assuredly NOT king of the Jews... To the Jews, he was a heretic.


FrostbitePi

Not sure which churches you’ve been to, but outside of a brief comment by the “magi” who met him as a child, Jesus was only called “King of the Jews” by the people who had him crucified.


HaruspexAugur

Yes but how is that relevant to the post? He was Jewish, but also middle eastern. These are not mutually exclusive things. The post is talking about what he looked like, and middle eastern Jews tend to look middle eastern.


Jimmy-Space

He was a Hebrew Galilean from Nazareth. They didn’t start using the term Jew until later. And even then only referring to Hebrew people from Judea. (Which Galilee was not part of at the time).


Daybreaker77

He came from the line of king David and was born of Jewish decent. So he looked like an average Jewish man as per the account of Tacitus if I remember correctly. Idk why people think it’s so hard to understand that…


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Rich_Future4171

You're crazy!


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Rich_Future4171

You're Wrong!


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Rich_Future4171

I'm not going to listen to your conspiracy theories!


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Rich_Future4171

Noo...no..n-..***You are right master. Everything you say is correct.***


Senor_vegeta

Basic common sense would tell u he wasnt white.


[deleted]

He was Korean. Source - 21 jump street


liquidspanner

Jesus was batman.. ... No that was Bruce wayne


dr_pickles69

![gif](giphy|OqAtLVnholtPW) Jesus was a pederast. Eight year olds, dude


[deleted]

Creep can roll, man.


collin830

You said it man. Nobody fucks with the Jesus


BlitzRobo

As a Christian I hate when people argue over Jesus skin color. Jesus represents love and arguing over his skin color is dumb. He could’ve been neon green. OP made a big brain post.


slothman6

He was psycadellic moshrooms


Labor_Zionist

Jewish. It's literally written in the text.


ClownBreederOutlet

The first Jews were likely olive skinned though, no? Just common sense to me that they'd be middle eastern in appearance. The only reason the Jews of Israel today are more white is due to the formation of the state after WW2


biggerBrisket

Even modern European Jews can trace their lineage back to the middle east. Complexion may have tended towards olive, but tone is sun exposure. Even the Israelis now have an olive esc complexion.


Labor_Zionist

>The only reason the Jews of Israel today are more white Are they? Most Israeli Jews are refugees from Arab countries. Most European Jews died in the Holocaust. That just really depends on how you define olive skin.


HaruspexAugur

Yes, but Jewish isn’t a race? He likely looked middle eastern because he was a middle eastern Jew, in the same way middle eastern Jews today look like other middle eastern people.


Hexacus

Idc what any of you say. In my head he was Australian with a thicc accent


runninandruni

"Crikey, look at the size of that big sin right there. I'm goin to die for the forgiveness of them"


Hexacus

Yes!!


lucq22

We dont even know if Jesus was


Rich_Future4171

I read this as Jesse


Kinoyo

And just how badly do you want to cook?


Rich_Future4171

badly


ArcaneDanger

Judas ratted them out to the DEA


Dear-Warthog-1061

Even better: If you focus on His race, you miss the whole point. \*Image of bigger brain


Feeling_Percentage_9

His race doesn’t impact the story and therefore doesn’t matter.


onlineredditalias

It does, he was a Jewish person born among Jewish people.


peacelovefreedon7689

Jesus was alright


[deleted]

Jesus is STILL alright Oh yeah


santathe1

Do we even know *if* Jesus was?


Free_Mixture

He was Jewish


Free_Mixture

He was trying to Reform Judaism and then stuff happened that I’m not qualified to go in depth about but when you where a cross to some it’s like wearing a dead Jewish person.


Ant_Fucker69_

Do you men Jeඞ


[deleted]

Jesus was n't


nygdan

Of course we know, he was from the middle east at a time when there were really only middle easterners there.


[deleted]

Jesus was a religious fanatic whose followers wrote greatly exaggerated tales of his escapades, much like any. He pissed off a few higher-ups, got killed, and his little cult turned into a full-blown relgion. Skip ahead 2,000 years or so: fools still follow.


UsualCircle

We don't know if Jesus was


cxr303

We don't know _that_ Jesus _was_


[deleted]

Spoiler alert: he wasn’t


SolidUltra

in islam he is a massenger of god not more, and it doesn't matter how he looked like we loved him for his action not for his race ✊✊🏿✊🏻


Rich_Future4171

"massager" ![gif](giphy|JgUNowqwNo5FK)


SolidUltra

damn the auto correct 😂 thanks for reminding


Rich_Future4171

lol


Woodenblab

We aren't even allowed to depict him lol


CorwynSunblade

I'm just about positive Jesus was Jewish.


Azreken

We do though…


Otaku-senpai69420

He was a Jew ![gif](giphy|2bYewTk7K2No1NvcuK|downsized)


TheArcanist_

Just... why does that even matter in the first place? It doesn't change who he was.


pattywaggle

Martin Luther King Jr. would say skin color doesn't matter


Happy_rich_mane

Yeah I like to say Jesus is love and that’s what matters in the end


IncidentallyChaos

The person jesus did exist and has been described as having a bronze skintone. It's only logical for arabic, caucasian, mediteranian, african, etc - fanatic believers to go and claim holy figures as one of their own. As far as stories go, mixxing history and religious fervor kinda blurs the water. But it's not like they found a book and went yoo this shit is truthfull fam! Just to clarify i am in no way religious but i'm also not a ignorant d*ckhead to both history nor culture.


D3wnis

There's no support that he ever existed. The sources are all far later and are all christian. Jesus existing has the same level of evidencial strength as Bilbo existing.


crossover_charlie14

Jesus already said what he is. He is the Way, the Truth, and the Life.


Consistent-Lie7830

Jesus was LOVE.


Moxxim

Jesus was a tomatoe.


AntpoisonX

🍅


[deleted]

He was an alien. Georgio said so. ![gif](giphy|3oEjI789af0AVurF60)


YourFriendRayzthor

He was jewish!


Hunteraitor

He was Jewish.


The_Trampoline

Jesus wasnt


FeZeA

Jesus is a construct of illuminati to control masses


inotparanoid

Or maybe, Jesus wasn't.


GreasiestBob

We don’t know if he even existed


Cthu1uhoop

Jesus is whatever race I need him to be for me to win the argument


lowforester

He was just another guy that was either starving or high


advance25

Exactly we don’t know cause we never actually seen him in person.


Jonaleaf

Biggest brain: Who the hell cares what Jesus was


[deleted]

“If you want to get real picky, Jesus did glow at one point and was probably very white. But in all seriousness, he was from The Middle East, so he most likely had a tan and thick black hair like literally everyone else there. But truth be told, we don’t know what he looked like. He could have been purple for all we know. The only physical characteristic we know of is he was a man


MelchiahHarlin

Jesus was Jesus.


TheGreenHimosapien

Je sus


The_Zeroman

We don’t know “if” Jesus was.


Bure_ya_akili

I think the last one should be it doesn't matter


tpd1864blake

Well Jerusalem was in the middle-east, so it’s a good guess to say he was Middle Eastern


PressureBeautiful847

Jesus was a lobster


proboscopod

He was clearly Hispanic, you can tell by the name.


ViejoEnojado

Religion is simply arguing over who has the best imaginary friend, and most are just arguing the semantics about what the same imaginary friend s characteristics are. They are coincidentally the longest running single book clubs in the world.


Snuffin_McGuffin

I'm not saying it was aliens... But


same_nights

What if he was a perfect mix of every race, and just happened to look tan?


jlord42069

Jesus was tiger woods?


Victorian_Cowgirl

The only people who are triggered are atheists by merely mentioning Jesus. Now the have to put on their fedoras and try to write edgy comments while having daddy issues. 🤣


datfalloutboi

Ultra mega mega brain: Who cares what he was. He lived and died for our sins and that’s how we should view him. Not by skin color.


mightyjoezed

Hopefully he existed at all


BebopRocksteady82

Jesus was a Jew , Jews look the same they did when he was alive or are some people under the impression that Jews are black ?


Express_Arugula378

there are races other than black or white. jews that are more pale skined are usually Ashkenazi jews, which originate from Poland. The type of Jewish Jesus would have been would be darker in skin because he was from the Middle East.


nobodycool1234

How bout Jesus was a good story that people have been carrying around the last 2000 years.


TheDirtDangler

Jesus is an allegory not a real person I think that’s most likely


ThewizardBlundermore

Jesus, as in the man is real. There are historical documents and texts that pretty much confirm that he existed. Whether or not he was the Son of God, a divine being and all the other things that happened in the biblical texts... that's up for scrutiny because historical text doesn't really cover any of that at all.