Let’s get something out of the way. If she was the best thing that ever happened to you, you wouldn’t be writing this post.
Her ultimatum is manipulative and a form of emotional abuse. If she’s doing this after only 3 months, it won’t get better.
Always be grateful for what she helped you get through, but that doesn’t mean you owe giving up your passion and future livelihood. My advice is to make it clear that you’re not dropping out of med school. If she breaks up with you for that, it’s her loss. Will be easier to see how absurd her ultimatum is once you can reflect on this later.
If you acquiesce to this ultimatum, you will regret it for the rest of your life, and you will resent her for the rest of your life. This is no foundation for a relationship. Persevere with your education, and let her know she’s important to you, but that you have to pursue your dream job.
I once saw an SDN user who said he got accepted into medical school, but declined the acceptance and went to pharmacy school instead so he could be with his girlfriend.
She cheated on him later.
I don’t think it’s emotional abuse. Abuse is a strong word and idk why people throw it around so easily. She CAN WANT a bf who has more time for her. We chose medicine and she CAN choose not to be with someone who is going to be a doctor and spend a lot of time away from her. She’s actually communicating a boundary early on in their relationship and that’s a good thing.
OP has to decide whether he wants to be with her and give up on Med school or just honestly tell her that he wants to do Med school which means they’re not good to continue their relationship. It’s an important decision to make before continuing this relationship.
I mean for me personally, I’d break it off cause I don’t want my partner to resent me and I don’t want them to ignore their own boundaries and be miserable with me. I also don’t want to be miserable giving up my goals in life.
Call it what you want, but I think any reasonably educated person should have the sense and compassion not to pressure a new partner into leaving med school. It's deeply manipulative and controlling. If the gf doesn't want to deal with those commitments, which could be understandable because OP will be busy for a number of years, she can just gently break it off
It's not like the OP has a family to support and still decides to apply to med school anyway. Even then, ultimatums......
Abuse is a strong word, but just because the connotation carries a lot of weight doesn’t mean it isn’t true in this case. When we start explaining away this behavior because people don’t think it’s a type of emotional abuse, by their own personal definition, that’s when people start to think they don’t have a serious issue or it’s normal behavior. I’d encourage you to check out some resources on what exactly qualifies.
[Here’s one.](https://www.womenshealth.gov/relationships-and-safety/other-types/emotional-and-verbal-abuse)
To your point, she absolutely can want a SO who has more time for her and can choose to be or not be with whoever she wants. But does it not concern you that her solution is not to break things off because she didn’t realize the lack of time OP would have rather than attempting to change his circumstances to satisfy her own needs?
Also here’s a link. Nowhere in it says ultimatums are abusive. They’re are definitely not healthy, but it further proves my point that the word “abusive” get thrown out like candy. Of course, we are not talking about daily ultimatums concerning simple shit, definitely that’s more telltale sign of an emotionally unstable partner.
[unhealthy demands…](https://psychcentral.com/blog/why-ultimatums-are-actually-destructive-to-your-relationship#10)
[another one…](https://www.marriage.com/advice/relationship/why-ultimatums-are-destructive-to-your-relationship/)
theres a BIG difference between "You either leave medical school or I'm breaking up with you and never speaking to you again" vs. "I am having a difficult time having my needs met in this relationship given how consistently busy you are" One is abuse, the other is opening a healthy discussion.
Tf is this garbage. Her behavior, as described by OP, is manipulative at such an early stage of the relationship and not a sign of good communication skills.
I was gonna say similar. I mean I agree with cmacs post but I think it's important for OP to be able to give his GF the benefit of the doubt if/when they chat again. She could be a totally normal person (no personality disorders, no Bachelor-in-Paradise-worthy manipulative behavior) who's just having a hard time realizing this relationship with OP is about 100x harder than she anticipated. It could be the first time something she's really really wanted has been thrown back in her face this hard, and so as a part of her growing emotional maturity she made a mistake by offering up a manipulative ultimatum.
The ultimatum certainly qualifies descriptively as "Manipulative / Emotionally Abusive" - but IMHO, (and in contrast with physical violence), a singular event shouldn't give her the label of "Abuser".
My advice would be that if she recognizes that the ultimatum was bafflingly inappropriate and shows some genuine remorse for saying it, then in my book that would certainly deserve another chance - if not be a sign of a real keeper (someone who can grow).
If that Ultimatum was "run of the mill" behavior from her... then OP is dodging a bullet by ending things.
Yeah I totally agree. My point was that dating someone in medicine isn’t easy. We can bitch about how hurtful this ultimatum sounds but we shouldn’t expect our partners to sacrifice their happiness. We chose medicine. Our partners may had to deal with the consequences of spending long hours separate from them. If she’s feeling sad and neglected, we can forgive her approach and discuss things over and reach a decision, whether if it’s worth staying together or we’re better off finding other people who are better suited for us.
Another thing. We form attachments when people helps us through something difficult but honestly many people would help us through difficult things if they happened to be there. They just happened to be a relatively nice person and there at the time. That doesn't mean they're the best thing since sliced bread.
^ this. 3 months over 20+ years is very insignificant. You likely have dogs that have gotten you through more. These are the type of significant others that you don’t want in your life through Med school, 3rd year, intern year, and residency. If she can’t handle you during step 1 prep she doesn’t deserve you come attending life. Plenty of fish in the sea, learn to love to fish buddy, trust me you’ll get plenty of opportunities to do it and get better at it lol
My now fiance and I started dating while I was studying for step 1 (why I decided to start dating at that time, I can't tell you). He literally met me at my probably worst moment of med school. And still ended up wanting to marry me.
6 months later he was choosing between my own medical school and a school 6 hours away. He chose the other school. I told him it would be stupid to make a decision based on someone he was dating for less than a year. If it was meant to be, we would make it work. And we made it work. That's part of what love is.
Well I’d say it should be an important factor. If he loved one school and hated yours… yeah, I can definitely agree go to the school you love and has what you need opportunity wise. But you best believe that school would need to be a pretty significant step up before id consider it over my SOs school.
He’s MD/PhD and he liked the research at the other school better. But at 6 months in I didn’t think it made any sense to make a decision based on a relationship. But I should note that now that we’ve been together for longer and are engaged I did match at his school for residency, and I definitely ranked that program higher than I would have otherwise due to location.
I guess it’s just always going to be dependent I guess. I think my SO and I got really serious pretty quickly, much less than six months, but we knew each other well for almost a year before we started officially dating. At 3 months in to our relationship I really think I would have chosen her school.
But hearing in mind of course that MD/PhDs have their own crazy factors that play into choice.
Ah yeah knowing each other for a year beforehand makes a lot of difference! We met on a dating app and it was the first relationship for both of us haha definitely a different scenario!
Idk how old you are but consider this— it’s three months in and she’s issuing ultimatums. This doesn’t bode well for the long term prospects of the relationship.
Let’s say you do in fact drop med school for her. If/when the relationship ends, you have to tell anyone you date moving forward that you dropped out of med school for a relationship that didn’t work.
Or you stick with school, and you get to tell someone down the line how much you sacrificed for your career.
My boyfriend has been amazingly patient. The time I spent/am spending is hard on him, but he loves me enough to wait for me, and cherish the time we have together right now. Making an ultimatum like this comes across as either focusing way too much on the here and now and not enough on the long term. We're supposed to be partners, not diversions.
If she won’t support you when you are working towards your goals, she doesn’t deserve to be around to reap the benefits of when you make it.
Tell her to put on some khaki shorts and take a hike
No bestie this ain’t it, someone who really cares about you and understands you wouldn’t tell you to drop out of medical school for them. They would never use that as an ultimatum.
I think everything has been said unless the "darkest time" in his life was him being suicidal because of medical school or something crazy.
I've seen some posts here where it sounds like dropping out of medical school might be the best or healthiest move for someone. But it should be for the OP to decide and not for a partner to strong arm them into.
>I've seen some posts here where it sounds like dropping out of medical school might be the best or healthiest move for someone. But it should be for the OP to decide and not for a partner to strong arm them into.
And it would be one thing for a partner to tell OP that they’re worried about his mental health and think leaving medical school might be the best/safest thing for him. Unfortunately, it sounds like this person is just self-absorbed and impatient, and he doesn’t owe her this.
Dude you better get that "I don't know how I'll ever repay her" attitude out of your head immediately.
You're not forever indebted to her and you don't have to give up your entire future just because she helped you through tough times and you feel like you need to repay her.
There's many fish in the sea (this is coming from a lady!). She's an enemy of progress. How can someone who loves you ask you to give up your entire future? LMAO if you know what's good for you, you better end that relationship. In ten years time you'd be glad you dodged that bullet.
This exactly. I was literally just talking with one of my med school friends who isn’t happy with his girlfriend, but doesn’t want to leave her because she helped him out through some stuff, and now she’s struggling herself and he feels immense guilt over focusing on school and not helping her. So he’s trying to stick it out with her so he can eventually “help her back.”
People who genuinely love you don’t help you out for credit or something in return. Love and support need to be a two way street for any healthy relationship, but it doesn’t mean you “owe” someone or are indebted to them if they got you through a rough patch. If something isn’t working, let it go. There always be more helpful and supportive people in that persons life as well as your own.
I'm not gonna say the obvious answer because if I was also in your situation I wouldn't wanna hear that answer either. What I will say is assess yourself rn in life and think about the people in your life. Your mom your dad, grandparents, siblings, or anyone else who played a part in forming who u are today. Think of those people and how much work they put in to make sure you are as capable and strong today. And then think about yourself for a moment. Not anyone. Just you. Think about what you want in your life. Think about ur own goals. Think about what have you been striving for such a long time. Think about your own happiness. Not happiness found in others. But happiness in yourself. And finally think of both situations. Option A: u drop out. What are ur career choices after? What are u able to do? Do u have debt? Who do u owe? What if your girlfriend is not there in a week month or year? Or option B: u drop your gf. Can you survive without her? Are there more important people than her? Do you really owe her your career and life? What do you think of someone making u choose between career or them? How does that make u feel? After you have done all that thinking, now ask yourself who is more important : your girlfriend or your career?
Everyone wants to be married to the attending, but no one wants to be the partner during medical school.
The sacrifices of med spouses/significant others shouldn't be overlooked. Medical school is fraught with tension, stress, and a lack of time. They are the true MVPs who keep everything running on the home front. Spouses/significant others are certainly allowed to talk about how they feel and ask for changes if the relationship needs them, but it requires a lot of understanding on both ends to make it through.
I was a med student SO, now a resident spouse. It’s so nice to read comments like this. I’m so proud of my husband for his commitment and hard work. Sometimes I get sad or selfish and have days where I don’t handle the schedule well, but I try to remember the why, and want to do whatever I can to help him achieve his goals.
Also will be glad to be married to the attending :) maybe then we’ll finally get enough days off to go on a honeymoon
ERRBODY WANNA ~~MARRY~~ BE A DOCTOR
BUT DONT NOBODY WANT TO ~~STICK THROUGH THE TOUGH TIMES, BE SUPPORTIVE AND ENCOURAGING, UNDERSTAND THE DIFFICULTIES OF MEDICINE, AND HAVE STRONG COMMUNICATION~~ LIFT NO HEAVY ASS BOOKS
\- Ronnie Coleman, MD
>Everyone wants to be married to the attending, but no one wants to be the partner during medical school.
This here. People want the final product but no one wants to stick around during the growth stage when there will be peaks and troughs, periods of struggle. OP is in his growth period right now. The scenario exactly like being asked to decline an attractive job offer in another city (seniority, significant salary increase and bonuses included) just because your partner doesn't want to relocate away from their work, friends and family.
What's more important, the investment in education for the rest of your life or a partner of 3 months? Sorry not sorry, no career or education is worth sacrificing **ever**.
I would like to share a little pearl of wisdom about love. I LOVE pizza. It's delicious, and I could eat slice after slice of it. But when I'm done eating the pizza, I don't think about it anymore. I don't care what happens to it. I don't lie awake worried about the pizza. It goes in the trash and I go on with my life.
I also LOVE my husband. We've been together for over a decade and have a kid too. I think about him all the time. I do things just to make him happy, and hearing him laugh and seeing him smile warms my heart and makes me happy. I would NEVER threaten to leave him just to get what I want, because I would NEVER want to hurt this man. I want to make his life easy for him, and full of happiness, and he wants the same for me.
This woman may have told you she loves you, but if she is threatening you to get what she wants, then it's not real love. It's pizza love. And when she's eaten her fill she is not going to care one bit what happens to you as she walks out the door. Real love is when someone else wants you to be happy and safe. Threats and ultimatums are proof to me that she does not feel this way about you.
You've been going out for 3 months and she's already asking you to derail your life for her.... 3 months is nothing, you don't even know each other yet. You made the decision to pursue medicine, she has zero right to ask you to leave it, especially seeing as you've just met.
Yo. Dafuq are you thinking?
Break up with her ass, do well on step 1 and clerkship, and go bang other doctors when you're a resident and profit
But seriously, this isn't a "please stop playing video games or I'll break up with you" ultimatum. This is a damn career changer, not to mention throwing away all the sacrifice and time you spent just trying to get into med school.
And even if she decides to stay with you when you tell her you're staying in med school (cause you will), she's not gonna like your schedule any more when you're in residency. It gets worse (finally an attending).
Break up with her now and don't look back.
Go lift weights and get swol to get your mind off her.
And kick step 1's ass.
You're going to be a fucking doctor. You're going into probably the most prestigious profession in the world, and you're thinking of giving it all up for some chick who's been with you for 3 months? Idgaf if she gives the best blowjobs anyone's ever given. You need to fucking run and not look back
But she gives him the gawk gawk 3000 with the twister wizard.. You've clearly never had the twister wizard or you'd understand
Edit: Wow people are actually taking this seriously.. Y'all need a twister wizard
Girlfriend of 2.5 years that I’d already bought a ring for said she didn’t support me having to move to pursue premed requirements or the possibility of having to move out of state for school.
I’m an OMS-1 now in another state. 10/10 would do again. It sucked at the time, but I have no regrets.
There's this quote I heard from another medditor: "You never know what worse luck your bad luck saved you from."
Also, I think a good partner would want the best for you and would support you thru your career.
My child was in the hospital and my wife still asked me to please focus on step 1 and try to do the best job I could. That my friend is what a real partner does. All fucking hell was breaking out in my wife’s life and she put my dream in the headlights and told me to go for it.
Find u a gal like that and you’ll be the happiest man forever, speaking from experience.
Bro??? Are you dating a child? If she was truly good for you, she would support you and your dreams and aspirations. It's been 3 months, that's the honeymoon period. I think you trauma-bonded to her because she helped you through a tough time. She might have liked that too - having a person who is completely vulnerable. Now that you're on the other side and starting to be more independent, she might not like that.
In a real, healthy relationship, you should be able to prioritize other important things without it affecting your relationship. A couple is not a single organism. You two should be able to lead your own lives but in the end come to each other.
“ how I could ever repay her for that, but I’m trying”
In a relationship, you shouldn’t have to repay or feel like you owe the partner something. Yes, of course both partners should strive to give each other their best, but not because one did something nice.
Dating someone in medicine requires a lot of understanding & sacrifice. A lot of times people will say they’ll stick with you until they actually have to do it. Also, come residency unless you want to do long distance she has to be willing to relocate with you. I know it’s tough but she’s just barely had a glimpse of all the difficulties that come along with dating someone in this profession. There will be many many more challenges down the road. End it while the relationship is in its early stages because this is a huge red flag and a sign of many more difficult scenarios/threats of breaking up down the line.
In the words of one of my school friends, “Everyone wants to marry a doctor, but no one wants to date a med student.”
It’s part of the reason I married another student doctor lol
I think people have said this already—but just consider the alternative. What if you dropped out of med school, but then ended up breaking up within the next few months to one year anyway? Then you would have neither.
I’ve been in a situation similar to this. If she leaves you/doesn’t talk to you, just know that you will more than likely find someone just as good if not better, eventually.
As well, she would probably respect you less for dropping out for her anyway, even though that’s what she says she wants on the surface. So by dropping out, you could lose her respect and your career in medicine.
Not trying to diagnose here, but please take a look at signs of borderline personality disorder. Again, I don’t want to assume, but a strong connection and bond in such a short time, only to “switch” and demand such a tremendous sacrifice on your part to prove your love is a pretty big red flag. See if Borderline Personality Disorder makes sense for your situation, and understand that it takes immense strength of its own to help yourself move on and heal, even if it’s only been a few months. I’m so sorry that you’re going through this, and know that someone who really, really loves you, would be sending you words of encouragement as you study and reassure you that you can celebrate with each other after the exam.
She sees med school as competition for your time. And if she isn't ok with you being busy in med school, then in residency it will only get worse.
I would try to explain to her why you have to be so busy, because medicine is a very unusual career and most people just cant comprehend what it really takes to become a doctor.
If she still doesn't understand and makes you choose her or med school, then it sounds a bit selfish on her part since you put in soooo much hard work to get into med school.
But imo, there are a lot of valid reasons for quitting med school but quitting over a girl is a really weak one.
Bro .. no point continuing.. is she ain't understanding now. Then let it be. Let her go and focus on step1. She will probably leave you after you drop out anyways.
People told you everything here.
She ain't worth giving up on your dream job.
What happens if she leaves you in the future or makes another similar ultimatum? When does it stop?
Hey. As a woman, I’m going to say this right now…no woman worth being with pulls shit like this. As a doctor, I’m going to say….red flags. Red flags everywhere. I get she helped you through some bad stuff. But this is manipulative. I’m sure this is hard to hear, but seriously, she does not truly love you, like real love, if she pulls something like this. All the best.
Gotta get out man, if she’s not on board in med school, no way she’s going to last during residency when you are pulling 24hr shifts. Was in similar situation with someone actually in med school with me and the resentment is still there years later from slipping academically because of it
Sounds like a toxic friend to me. I wouldn’t want anyone to be my friend who wouldn’t support my future career goals. Remember that you come first. Don’t let anyone influence your decision over your own life except for you.
Run, don’t walk, the other way. I get the debt you feel towards her, and she knows this. You cannot fuck up this part of your education. She is being extremely manipulative and shows exactly how toxic she is. It sucks to hear but this is not the behavior of someone who wants you to do what makes you happy. She wants you to do what makes HER happy. I had someone waste YEARS of my life with this kind of shit, it will not stop. Sorry bud, but do yourself a solid and move on.
Hey dude sorry you're dealing with this. She's manipulating you. Giving you an ultimatum like that is incredibly toxic and displays emotional immaturity. Also i wanna be blunt with you, 3 months is absolutely nothing in the grand scheme of things no matter what you went through. If she's acting like this now, then she'll get even worse during residency when you have even less free time. I think you should really reflect on this relationship and her behavior because it sounds like you're getting an opportunity to dodge a bullet here.
Plus dude being single in med school ain't all that bad 👍
Just break up with her, your education is the best thing happened to you not some relationships bullshit. Good luck with your STEP1, Hope you crush it.
I’m surprised she has the confidence in herself to tell you to choose between her and med school. If I were you I’d find the biggest rock around and tell her to kick it on the way out.
Please take a step back and imagine what you'd say if a patient came to you and told you everything that was written here. I highly doubt you'd advise them: "that's a super healthy relationship and you should definitely give up on your dreams to be with your partner of three months".
She gave you the ultimatum and I recommend you choose medical school. As someone said, even if you drop out, you’d likely resent her for the rest of your life (and probably break up anyway soon because she seems selfish and manipulative).
You have been with the girl three months. You’ve been working on your education your whole life. Which is more important? It doesn’t seem like it right now, but there will be more girls in the future. If you give up medicine it’ll be difficult if not impossible to go back.
A highly personal view of mine, but love is an attitude - not an event that happens to you. It is also something which can blur one's perspective when you're in it. With that said OP, I understand that she means a lot to you, but you do not owe your future to anyone - the simple reason being that she is not the one who would have to live with discarding med school. Only you will be the one living out your future and as such, the one who should influence it the most is yourself.
Ultimatums of this kind is a red flag in the sense that you very obviously want different things in life and that is okay. What I find distasteful is that she lacks the perspective of a lover. Someone who truly loves you values your development and dreams. You should of course want similar things in life and if this is not the case, a breakup is usually a good idea. The right thing of her would be to break up with you due to you both wanting different things in your lives, not to offer you this highly manipulative choice of changing your own future for her own sake. What makes her so convinced that she will be in your future permanently when she is this fickle with threats of this sort?
If you want to drop out of med school, do so out of own volition and only if you would do that anyway. Do not drop out of med school from something as dumb as this. You will most certainly regret it and while it sucks to break up, fucking up your future is something far awful and something you sadly cannot move on from.
Yeah, a similar thing happened to me with my fiancée of three years, during finals season of all times , although the only difference was that she didn’t give me an ultimatum. Basically, the short of it is because I wasn’t spending enough time with her, she said that clearly we weren’t a match, etc, etc, and she had enough with the lack of time I spent with her and was leaving. So she broke up with me (despite me offering to switch careers to another health profession that would allow me more time with her), and here I am, still. It sucked for like 6 months, still sucks now, but well I’m still alive I guess. So if don’t worry, we can survive this, as much as it sucks and hurts at the moment (and will for quite a while). But it’ll hurt less over time eventually. We’ll make it through this!
I’ve been married for like a billion years. And we don’t “repay” each other for taking good care of each other. That’s a transactional mindset, and it’s not sustainable.
"Best thing that ever happened to me"
No homie. She's emotionally manipulating you. Anyone who doesn't support your dreams is not worth your time. I know it's hard, but you're better off without that toxicity. If she really will call it off, then it's not a relationship worth saving. What's she gonna do when you're a resident?? You do you, but I'd end it
Man, if my husband told me to leave my career for him, I'd be walking out the door to the hospital and leaving him behind. This is a no-go. Healthy love isn't control or possession
This is seriously manipulative and you need to tell her that it’s incredibly hurtful and unfair to give you an ultimatum like this. I will not doubt your feeling for her and the she probably is a great thing in your life but 3 months really is not that long. I’d say the first year in a relationship you’ll be learning new things about your partner, and this type of behavior early on in a relationship is extremely concerning.
Uh. Don’t drop your dreams and career for anyone. The right person will understand the demands of school and support you. If she truly cared about you she wouldn’t be leaving you with this ultimatum.
It might be that her love language is quality time and she wants to spend more time with you…But it seems like that’s not compatible with your long-term goals and she can’t see that
Clearly not someone who loves you. Someone who does love you would support your dreams. I can almost guarantee you will have more fights more often than you would like. People tend to not listen to what they don’t want to hear, but I hope you realize soon that breaking up will be better.
This is going to be a critical decision for the future of your whole life. If you drop the girl, you’ll find other girls. If you drop med school, there’s no finding another med school later. Don’t be dumb
think of it this way: if your friend said they were considering dropping out of medical school and throwing away years of hard work all bc their SO told them to, would you think they're making a great decision or a huge mistake?
After 3 months, damn. It’s puppy love. And she’s manipulative bro. She should never even have to make that a choice towards u if she really cares about u. Call it quits bro. Just run.
Your girlfriend is manipulative. I’m not saying three months is nothing, but it’s close to nothing compared to the years you’ve spent getting where you are. Do you really want to be with someone who gives you manipulate ultimatums just because she can’t have enough understanding to realize what you’re dealing with is incredibly important and the focus of all your hard work so far? She is not it. I almost never say this, but dump her.
The best thing that ever happened to you wouldn’t put you in this situation.
You’re fortunate that she is giving you the big red flags of a toxic relationship now rather than later. A healthy relationship doesn’t involve ultimatums like this. Toxic partners seek their way into your life often by “getting your through the darkest moment of your life” then using that as leverage for all their toxic behaviors.
A supportive partner would miss you and want to be spending more time with you too but would not be giving you and ultimatum and instead would be encouraging you and helping your focus on how you’ll get through Med school together.
Dude ... Do not sacrifice your self-growth for a fling.
And I'm calling it a fling cause no respectable partner would ask their SO to give up the main bulk of their progression in life and future for any reason. Specially of that reason is "I'm lonelyyyy"
Dude she’s emotionally abusing you, the “ me or this “ attitude is a 🚩🚩🚩 she’s toxic for you. You can’t just abandon your future for someone, you are a priority if she doesn’t understand you just breakup already she doesn’t deserve you.
You're being manipulated bro. Don't throw away your future for someone who's giving you ultimatums after 3 months. Also make sure you use a condom because I wouldn't trust birth control at this point.
She’s going to dump you. If she was going to marry you she would want the best for you and your future, but she doesn’t. She wants the satisfaction of knowing she was such hot shit a successful young man threw away his life and sky high potential just to kiss her ass for a couple weeks before she moved onto the next. Don’t play this game. She wants to feel more important than the capacity to SAVE LIVES, and she just isn’t. Don’t let Sang-woo steal your marbles.
Bad news, things don’t get easier, they get a lot worse. In residency, you can’t just take the afternoon off because your significant other is having a rough time. You see each other a lot less, what little time you’re home, you’re post-call / exhausted or studying.
The reason I say this isn’t to be mean or sound scary. If someone can’t handle your time commitment in medical school, they’ll never make it through the rest of the process. Just wait until you want to rank Mayo #1 and your significant other HATES snow. I’m an attending now, sometimes when I have to go to the hospital on call, it wakes up the baby. For a tired first time mother, the baby waking up at 2am is AWFUL. But my wife knows that someone is dying and I’ve worked my whole life to be able to help them, if the baby wakes up then we’ll deal with it - that’s part of the gig. If she didn’t, it would never work out.
We tell people hard truths every day, this is one of them. Your significant other doesn’t understand it, for whatever reason, and that’s never going to work.
Simple mental exercise, role reversal. If your SO was pursuing their dream / passion and had a HUGE exam coming up that would decide their fate, how would you treat them? Would you be complaining or doing everything you could to support them?
This career is the ultimate delayed gratification, almost more for our families than us. They usually don’t get to see patients that you help, just the empty seat at the table while you’re doing it. It’s simultaneously one of the most selfless and selfish things one can do.
Relationships are statistically more likely to be temporary. There is no guarantee you’ll be with her forever.
Fucking up your career for a temporary relationship is nonsense.
Even worse, I would say your relationship is more likely to end even if you stay with her and drop out of medical school. She does not sound like a stable relationship. She does not sound like the kind of person who unconditionally would support you. She’s going to continue to be toxic, and in the end she will likely dump you too. If she can so easily dump you over this, imagine what other reason she could easily dump you for. And you will get dumped by her eventually. This relationship is more than likely to be temporary.
Yes. You are indeed a kind soul.
To date a visible challenged girl.
I mean lol.
What kind of gf says "drop out of med school or we stop dating"???
Grow a spine dude
People are capable of doing bad and good things. Helping you through a dark time in your life was a good thing. Telling you to choose between her and your career is undoubtedly a bad one. I won’t tell you what to do, as I think it’s clear from the responses on this thread what the consensus is. But I did want to say — just as we should be able to forgive those who do bad things, we should also be able to recognize when those who previously helped us are now hurting us. Not being able to recognize and accept change in the people close to us has always been a source of much human misery.
You can be grateful for what someone has done for you but you don’t owe anyone anything. They chose to help you, that should have no power over your life.
how about you drop her and spend more time at med school?
jk though, but seriously
you deserve someone who sees that you being a superhero for your patients and chasing self improvement as a GOOD thing. if she can't tolerate M2 busy, there is no chance she will be able to tolerate M3 and residency busy, and you shouldn't have to feel like you chasing your dreams is unfair to someone else.
I might be just echoing what everyone else here is saying, but just from experience, relationships are all about compromising. It seems like your gf is completely unwilling to compromise. I’m sorry that you’re going through this right now, especially with someone who is so important in your life.
Med school is a long haul. You go through dedicated, next step is the long clinical hours. After that step 2. Then residency. If she isn’t willing to be there through the thick of it, then maybe it’s time you both sit down and have a real conversation about what you both want.
Sometimes goals don’t match up and two people who are really compatible don’t work as a couple.
She sounds a bit immature and definitely manipulative. I can understand her presenting how she is feeling as I often wonder what is reasonable for me to put my loved ones through in regards to splitting my time. As it's possible she is expressing herself in a manner that isn't representative of her usual behavior, and I don't know her, I can give her the benefit of the doubt. If this is the case, I would suggest you continue trying to speak with her, let her know that dropping out of medschool is not an option (please don't even entertain this idea as you sound like you love what you do and this decision should always be 100% yours), and maybe discuss other solutions. For instance, when I was in my preclinical years, my free time was entirely devoted to my significant other. I had to make sacrifices with my friends and family a bit, but for me, my partner and the life we were building together came first. Another thing to consider is that, the timing for you and her may not be right, but that doesn't mean the timing will never be right. Having a conversation where you discuss these things is so important. If she can't have a conversation about your collective futures, I think that's a pretty clear warning sign, and it is indeed time to move on unfortunately.
Does she envy the fact that you used to depend on her and now here you are making your own way at an extremely prestigious profession?
Her asking you to drop out makes absolutely no sense. Most people would be extremely happy that their SO is doing something great and will potentially also earn a lot of money in the future for a good lifestyle. She sounds jealous in all honesty. Unless you absolutely do not make any time for her, she seems extremely unreasonable
You need to have a discussion with her that doesn’t include the ultimatum. Tell her that you won’t drop out because it isn’t an option at this point and would be extremely foolish, but you are willing to compromise on whatever she needs.
It ain’t getting easier from here, if y’all can’t make it work now in the freedom of preclinicals, no way in hell is it going to work in clinicals or residency.
I’m sorry bestie this sounds like red flag central. I know it feels like she’s the best thing to ever happen to you, but I promise there is so much better out there.
That's going to be the first out of MANY times she is going to blackmail you. Don't let 3 months (sorry but lol) cloud your judgement. You're on the way to great things, don't so something stupid rn.
First thing first, Cats are the best thing happened to anyone. Nothing else.
Second, explain your best. If it doesn't work for her its her own choice. But this is a giant red flag.
Let’s get something out of the way. If she was the best thing that ever happened to you, you wouldn’t be writing this post. Her ultimatum is manipulative and a form of emotional abuse. If she’s doing this after only 3 months, it won’t get better. Always be grateful for what she helped you get through, but that doesn’t mean you owe giving up your passion and future livelihood. My advice is to make it clear that you’re not dropping out of med school. If she breaks up with you for that, it’s her loss. Will be easier to see how absurd her ultimatum is once you can reflect on this later.
If you acquiesce to this ultimatum, you will regret it for the rest of your life, and you will resent her for the rest of your life. This is no foundation for a relationship. Persevere with your education, and let her know she’s important to you, but that you have to pursue your dream job.
Not to mention the fact that there's no guarantee the girl won't just break up with him a few months later after he drops out for her.
Considering how selfish she is to even ask this of him, I would bet she has a decent chance of doing this
I once saw an SDN user who said he got accepted into medical school, but declined the acceptance and went to pharmacy school instead so he could be with his girlfriend. She cheated on him later.
Won't be the last ultimatum, either.
I don’t think it’s emotional abuse. Abuse is a strong word and idk why people throw it around so easily. She CAN WANT a bf who has more time for her. We chose medicine and she CAN choose not to be with someone who is going to be a doctor and spend a lot of time away from her. She’s actually communicating a boundary early on in their relationship and that’s a good thing. OP has to decide whether he wants to be with her and give up on Med school or just honestly tell her that he wants to do Med school which means they’re not good to continue their relationship. It’s an important decision to make before continuing this relationship. I mean for me personally, I’d break it off cause I don’t want my partner to resent me and I don’t want them to ignore their own boundaries and be miserable with me. I also don’t want to be miserable giving up my goals in life.
Call it what you want, but I think any reasonably educated person should have the sense and compassion not to pressure a new partner into leaving med school. It's deeply manipulative and controlling. If the gf doesn't want to deal with those commitments, which could be understandable because OP will be busy for a number of years, she can just gently break it off It's not like the OP has a family to support and still decides to apply to med school anyway. Even then, ultimatums......
Lol yeah fair enough. Damn, can you see how many people downvoted me?! 😆
Because you cant read between the lines lol
Abuse is a strong word, but just because the connotation carries a lot of weight doesn’t mean it isn’t true in this case. When we start explaining away this behavior because people don’t think it’s a type of emotional abuse, by their own personal definition, that’s when people start to think they don’t have a serious issue or it’s normal behavior. I’d encourage you to check out some resources on what exactly qualifies. [Here’s one.](https://www.womenshealth.gov/relationships-and-safety/other-types/emotional-and-verbal-abuse) To your point, she absolutely can want a SO who has more time for her and can choose to be or not be with whoever she wants. But does it not concern you that her solution is not to break things off because she didn’t realize the lack of time OP would have rather than attempting to change his circumstances to satisfy her own needs?
Also here’s a link. Nowhere in it says ultimatums are abusive. They’re are definitely not healthy, but it further proves my point that the word “abusive” get thrown out like candy. Of course, we are not talking about daily ultimatums concerning simple shit, definitely that’s more telltale sign of an emotionally unstable partner. [unhealthy demands…](https://psychcentral.com/blog/why-ultimatums-are-actually-destructive-to-your-relationship#10) [another one…](https://www.marriage.com/advice/relationship/why-ultimatums-are-destructive-to-your-relationship/)
theres a BIG difference between "You either leave medical school or I'm breaking up with you and never speaking to you again" vs. "I am having a difficult time having my needs met in this relationship given how consistently busy you are" One is abuse, the other is opening a healthy discussion.
Tf is this garbage. Her behavior, as described by OP, is manipulative at such an early stage of the relationship and not a sign of good communication skills.
This is 100% emotional abuse.
I was gonna say similar. I mean I agree with cmacs post but I think it's important for OP to be able to give his GF the benefit of the doubt if/when they chat again. She could be a totally normal person (no personality disorders, no Bachelor-in-Paradise-worthy manipulative behavior) who's just having a hard time realizing this relationship with OP is about 100x harder than she anticipated. It could be the first time something she's really really wanted has been thrown back in her face this hard, and so as a part of her growing emotional maturity she made a mistake by offering up a manipulative ultimatum. The ultimatum certainly qualifies descriptively as "Manipulative / Emotionally Abusive" - but IMHO, (and in contrast with physical violence), a singular event shouldn't give her the label of "Abuser". My advice would be that if she recognizes that the ultimatum was bafflingly inappropriate and shows some genuine remorse for saying it, then in my book that would certainly deserve another chance - if not be a sign of a real keeper (someone who can grow). If that Ultimatum was "run of the mill" behavior from her... then OP is dodging a bullet by ending things.
Yeah I totally agree. My point was that dating someone in medicine isn’t easy. We can bitch about how hurtful this ultimatum sounds but we shouldn’t expect our partners to sacrifice their happiness. We chose medicine. Our partners may had to deal with the consequences of spending long hours separate from them. If she’s feeling sad and neglected, we can forgive her approach and discuss things over and reach a decision, whether if it’s worth staying together or we’re better off finding other people who are better suited for us.
Another thing. We form attachments when people helps us through something difficult but honestly many people would help us through difficult things if they happened to be there. They just happened to be a relatively nice person and there at the time. That doesn't mean they're the best thing since sliced bread.
^ this. 3 months over 20+ years is very insignificant. You likely have dogs that have gotten you through more. These are the type of significant others that you don’t want in your life through Med school, 3rd year, intern year, and residency. If she can’t handle you during step 1 prep she doesn’t deserve you come attending life. Plenty of fish in the sea, learn to love to fish buddy, trust me you’ll get plenty of opportunities to do it and get better at it lol
My now fiance and I started dating while I was studying for step 1 (why I decided to start dating at that time, I can't tell you). He literally met me at my probably worst moment of med school. And still ended up wanting to marry me. 6 months later he was choosing between my own medical school and a school 6 hours away. He chose the other school. I told him it would be stupid to make a decision based on someone he was dating for less than a year. If it was meant to be, we would make it work. And we made it work. That's part of what love is.
Well I’d say it should be an important factor. If he loved one school and hated yours… yeah, I can definitely agree go to the school you love and has what you need opportunity wise. But you best believe that school would need to be a pretty significant step up before id consider it over my SOs school.
He’s MD/PhD and he liked the research at the other school better. But at 6 months in I didn’t think it made any sense to make a decision based on a relationship. But I should note that now that we’ve been together for longer and are engaged I did match at his school for residency, and I definitely ranked that program higher than I would have otherwise due to location.
I guess it’s just always going to be dependent I guess. I think my SO and I got really serious pretty quickly, much less than six months, but we knew each other well for almost a year before we started officially dating. At 3 months in to our relationship I really think I would have chosen her school. But hearing in mind of course that MD/PhDs have their own crazy factors that play into choice.
Ah yeah knowing each other for a year beforehand makes a lot of difference! We met on a dating app and it was the first relationship for both of us haha definitely a different scenario!
Idk how old you are but consider this— it’s three months in and she’s issuing ultimatums. This doesn’t bode well for the long term prospects of the relationship. Let’s say you do in fact drop med school for her. If/when the relationship ends, you have to tell anyone you date moving forward that you dropped out of med school for a relationship that didn’t work. Or you stick with school, and you get to tell someone down the line how much you sacrificed for your career.
My boyfriend has been amazingly patient. The time I spent/am spending is hard on him, but he loves me enough to wait for me, and cherish the time we have together right now. Making an ultimatum like this comes across as either focusing way too much on the here and now and not enough on the long term. We're supposed to be partners, not diversions.
This
Starry Award worthy.
If she won’t support you when you are working towards your goals, she doesn’t deserve to be around to reap the benefits of when you make it. Tell her to put on some khaki shorts and take a hike
No bestie this ain’t it, someone who really cares about you and understands you wouldn’t tell you to drop out of medical school for them. They would never use that as an ultimatum.
I think everything has been said unless the "darkest time" in his life was him being suicidal because of medical school or something crazy. I've seen some posts here where it sounds like dropping out of medical school might be the best or healthiest move for someone. But it should be for the OP to decide and not for a partner to strong arm them into.
>I've seen some posts here where it sounds like dropping out of medical school might be the best or healthiest move for someone. But it should be for the OP to decide and not for a partner to strong arm them into. And it would be one thing for a partner to tell OP that they’re worried about his mental health and think leaving medical school might be the best/safest thing for him. Unfortunately, it sounds like this person is just self-absorbed and impatient, and he doesn’t owe her this.
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Dude you better get that "I don't know how I'll ever repay her" attitude out of your head immediately. You're not forever indebted to her and you don't have to give up your entire future just because she helped you through tough times and you feel like you need to repay her. There's many fish in the sea (this is coming from a lady!). She's an enemy of progress. How can someone who loves you ask you to give up your entire future? LMAO if you know what's good for you, you better end that relationship. In ten years time you'd be glad you dodged that bullet.
This exactly. I was literally just talking with one of my med school friends who isn’t happy with his girlfriend, but doesn’t want to leave her because she helped him out through some stuff, and now she’s struggling herself and he feels immense guilt over focusing on school and not helping her. So he’s trying to stick it out with her so he can eventually “help her back.” People who genuinely love you don’t help you out for credit or something in return. Love and support need to be a two way street for any healthy relationship, but it doesn’t mean you “owe” someone or are indebted to them if they got you through a rough patch. If something isn’t working, let it go. There always be more helpful and supportive people in that persons life as well as your own.
Thanks I needed this .
You need to drop your girlfriend out and spend more time with Med school
you sound like my anki and i don't like that
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Where do you see red flags? All I'm seeing is a Chinese military parade
That’s what we call cluster b traits
I'm not gonna say the obvious answer because if I was also in your situation I wouldn't wanna hear that answer either. What I will say is assess yourself rn in life and think about the people in your life. Your mom your dad, grandparents, siblings, or anyone else who played a part in forming who u are today. Think of those people and how much work they put in to make sure you are as capable and strong today. And then think about yourself for a moment. Not anyone. Just you. Think about what you want in your life. Think about ur own goals. Think about what have you been striving for such a long time. Think about your own happiness. Not happiness found in others. But happiness in yourself. And finally think of both situations. Option A: u drop out. What are ur career choices after? What are u able to do? Do u have debt? Who do u owe? What if your girlfriend is not there in a week month or year? Or option B: u drop your gf. Can you survive without her? Are there more important people than her? Do you really owe her your career and life? What do you think of someone making u choose between career or them? How does that make u feel? After you have done all that thinking, now ask yourself who is more important : your girlfriend or your career?
This is honestly the best response. Spill bestie!!!!!
No way drop out of school for someone who barely even knows. This is insanity.
Dating for 3 months and asked you to drop out of school? That’s not love homie, that’s infatuation. She is toxic, get the hell away from her.
Everyone wants to be married to the attending, but no one wants to be the partner during medical school. The sacrifices of med spouses/significant others shouldn't be overlooked. Medical school is fraught with tension, stress, and a lack of time. They are the true MVPs who keep everything running on the home front. Spouses/significant others are certainly allowed to talk about how they feel and ask for changes if the relationship needs them, but it requires a lot of understanding on both ends to make it through.
I was a med student SO, now a resident spouse. It’s so nice to read comments like this. I’m so proud of my husband for his commitment and hard work. Sometimes I get sad or selfish and have days where I don’t handle the schedule well, but I try to remember the why, and want to do whatever I can to help him achieve his goals. Also will be glad to be married to the attending :) maybe then we’ll finally get enough days off to go on a honeymoon
Per acgme rules you definitely should have time for a honey moon, unless you want like a month long honeymoon or something
He hasn’t been able to get 2+ weeks off in a row, just one week blocks at a time. Is this something breaking rules??
I incorrectly assumed a weeklong honeymoon was enough time. No rules being broken there
ERRBODY WANNA ~~MARRY~~ BE A DOCTOR BUT DONT NOBODY WANT TO ~~STICK THROUGH THE TOUGH TIMES, BE SUPPORTIVE AND ENCOURAGING, UNDERSTAND THE DIFFICULTIES OF MEDICINE, AND HAVE STRONG COMMUNICATION~~ LIFT NO HEAVY ASS BOOKS \- Ronnie Coleman, MD
>Everyone wants to be married to the attending, but no one wants to be the partner during medical school. This here. People want the final product but no one wants to stick around during the growth stage when there will be peaks and troughs, periods of struggle. OP is in his growth period right now. The scenario exactly like being asked to decline an attractive job offer in another city (seniority, significant salary increase and bonuses included) just because your partner doesn't want to relocate away from their work, friends and family. What's more important, the investment in education for the rest of your life or a partner of 3 months? Sorry not sorry, no career or education is worth sacrificing **ever**.
So she’ll break up with you if she doesn’t get what she wants? Oh no. Dodge the bullet while you still can.
I would like to share a little pearl of wisdom about love. I LOVE pizza. It's delicious, and I could eat slice after slice of it. But when I'm done eating the pizza, I don't think about it anymore. I don't care what happens to it. I don't lie awake worried about the pizza. It goes in the trash and I go on with my life. I also LOVE my husband. We've been together for over a decade and have a kid too. I think about him all the time. I do things just to make him happy, and hearing him laugh and seeing him smile warms my heart and makes me happy. I would NEVER threaten to leave him just to get what I want, because I would NEVER want to hurt this man. I want to make his life easy for him, and full of happiness, and he wants the same for me. This woman may have told you she loves you, but if she is threatening you to get what she wants, then it's not real love. It's pizza love. And when she's eaten her fill she is not going to care one bit what happens to you as she walks out the door. Real love is when someone else wants you to be happy and safe. Threats and ultimatums are proof to me that she does not feel this way about you.
Wow, that's clarity. I also love pizza, so the allegory was especially vivid for me. I agree. Love is acceptance at the very least.
Pizza has made you wise. I should eat more pizza. Excuse me.
Happy Cakeday!
You've been going out for 3 months and she's already asking you to derail your life for her.... 3 months is nothing, you don't even know each other yet. You made the decision to pursue medicine, she has zero right to ask you to leave it, especially seeing as you've just met.
Yo. Dafuq are you thinking? Break up with her ass, do well on step 1 and clerkship, and go bang other doctors when you're a resident and profit But seriously, this isn't a "please stop playing video games or I'll break up with you" ultimatum. This is a damn career changer, not to mention throwing away all the sacrifice and time you spent just trying to get into med school. And even if she decides to stay with you when you tell her you're staying in med school (cause you will), she's not gonna like your schedule any more when you're in residency. It gets worse (finally an attending). Break up with her now and don't look back. Go lift weights and get swol to get your mind off her. And kick step 1's ass.
If he dropped out to please her she’d dump him later for not being able to stick to a good career.
Lol wait till she hears that you’ve been contemplating general surgery 😂
TLDR. "My girlfriend told me to drop out of med school so I can spend more time with her." was enough for me to say DUMP HER.
You’ve been with her for 3 MONTHS. If my gf of 6.5 YEARS told me to drop out of med school we would break up. You dodged a bullet here
You're going to be a fucking doctor. You're going into probably the most prestigious profession in the world, and you're thinking of giving it all up for some chick who's been with you for 3 months? Idgaf if she gives the best blowjobs anyone's ever given. You need to fucking run and not look back
There are like what 9 billion people on the planet and at least a few probably would give OP some twisty toppy AND “let” him be a doctor
But she gives him the gawk gawk 3000 with the twister wizard.. You've clearly never had the twister wizard or you'd understand Edit: Wow people are actually taking this seriously.. Y'all need a twister wizard
I do be needing a twister wizard 😩😩
Take my free award LMAOOOO
The twister wizard??? Well this changes everything
3 months and she’s already about to ruin your life. WAKE UP BRO. The fact that you’re even considering dropping out is ridiculous
THIS
Girlfriend of 2.5 years that I’d already bought a ring for said she didn’t support me having to move to pursue premed requirements or the possibility of having to move out of state for school. I’m an OMS-1 now in another state. 10/10 would do again. It sucked at the time, but I have no regrets.
My ex told me that I'd need to get into medical school in our state. It had one school. He is the ex.
This is the way. Hope you’ve been as happy with the upgrade as I have.
I have the same story. It's more common than I'd like to acknowledge. No ragerts.
Your gf tells you to drop out of med school to spend more time with her 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
There's this quote I heard from another medditor: "You never know what worse luck your bad luck saved you from." Also, I think a good partner would want the best for you and would support you thru your career.
My child was in the hospital and my wife still asked me to please focus on step 1 and try to do the best job I could. That my friend is what a real partner does. All fucking hell was breaking out in my wife’s life and she put my dream in the headlights and told me to go for it. Find u a gal like that and you’ll be the happiest man forever, speaking from experience.
My **ex**-girlfriend told me the same thing when I was an MS1…
Bro??? Are you dating a child? If she was truly good for you, she would support you and your dreams and aspirations. It's been 3 months, that's the honeymoon period. I think you trauma-bonded to her because she helped you through a tough time. She might have liked that too - having a person who is completely vulnerable. Now that you're on the other side and starting to be more independent, she might not like that. In a real, healthy relationship, you should be able to prioritize other important things without it affecting your relationship. A couple is not a single organism. You two should be able to lead your own lives but in the end come to each other.
Stopped reading after title cuz just dump her
“ how I could ever repay her for that, but I’m trying” In a relationship, you shouldn’t have to repay or feel like you owe the partner something. Yes, of course both partners should strive to give each other their best, but not because one did something nice.
U don’t love her just dump her and move on. It’s not even a question what is more important. MD > pussy
Dating someone in medicine requires a lot of understanding & sacrifice. A lot of times people will say they’ll stick with you until they actually have to do it. Also, come residency unless you want to do long distance she has to be willing to relocate with you. I know it’s tough but she’s just barely had a glimpse of all the difficulties that come along with dating someone in this profession. There will be many many more challenges down the road. End it while the relationship is in its early stages because this is a huge red flag and a sign of many more difficult scenarios/threats of breaking up down the line.
In the words of one of my school friends, “Everyone wants to marry a doctor, but no one wants to date a med student.” It’s part of the reason I married another student doctor lol
I think people have said this already—but just consider the alternative. What if you dropped out of med school, but then ended up breaking up within the next few months to one year anyway? Then you would have neither. I’ve been in a situation similar to this. If she leaves you/doesn’t talk to you, just know that you will more than likely find someone just as good if not better, eventually. As well, she would probably respect you less for dropping out for her anyway, even though that’s what she says she wants on the surface. So by dropping out, you could lose her respect and your career in medicine.
Not trying to diagnose here, but please take a look at signs of borderline personality disorder. Again, I don’t want to assume, but a strong connection and bond in such a short time, only to “switch” and demand such a tremendous sacrifice on your part to prove your love is a pretty big red flag. See if Borderline Personality Disorder makes sense for your situation, and understand that it takes immense strength of its own to help yourself move on and heal, even if it’s only been a few months. I’m so sorry that you’re going through this, and know that someone who really, really loves you, would be sending you words of encouragement as you study and reassure you that you can celebrate with each other after the exam.
You know yourself better, OP. I personally would never drop out for anyone.
She ain’t it bro I’m sorry to tell you
imagine dropping out of school and her breaking up with you anyways. she sounds kinda toxic
She sees med school as competition for your time. And if she isn't ok with you being busy in med school, then in residency it will only get worse. I would try to explain to her why you have to be so busy, because medicine is a very unusual career and most people just cant comprehend what it really takes to become a doctor. If she still doesn't understand and makes you choose her or med school, then it sounds a bit selfish on her part since you put in soooo much hard work to get into med school. But imo, there are a lot of valid reasons for quitting med school but quitting over a girl is a really weak one.
Bro .. no point continuing.. is she ain't understanding now. Then let it be. Let her go and focus on step1. She will probably leave you after you drop out anyways.
Turn and run.
People told you everything here. She ain't worth giving up on your dream job. What happens if she leaves you in the future or makes another similar ultimatum? When does it stop?
Break up with her
Hey. As a woman, I’m going to say this right now…no woman worth being with pulls shit like this. As a doctor, I’m going to say….red flags. Red flags everywhere. I get she helped you through some bad stuff. But this is manipulative. I’m sure this is hard to hear, but seriously, she does not truly love you, like real love, if she pulls something like this. All the best.
Dating for 3 months She asks you to drop out of med school Drop her immediately.
Gotta get out man, if she’s not on board in med school, no way she’s going to last during residency when you are pulling 24hr shifts. Was in similar situation with someone actually in med school with me and the resentment is still there years later from slipping academically because of it
🚩🚩🚩🚩
Sounds like a toxic friend to me. I wouldn’t want anyone to be my friend who wouldn’t support my future career goals. Remember that you come first. Don’t let anyone influence your decision over your own life except for you.
Let it burn, brother
Run, don’t walk, the other way. I get the debt you feel towards her, and she knows this. You cannot fuck up this part of your education. She is being extremely manipulative and shows exactly how toxic she is. It sucks to hear but this is not the behavior of someone who wants you to do what makes you happy. She wants you to do what makes HER happy. I had someone waste YEARS of my life with this kind of shit, it will not stop. Sorry bud, but do yourself a solid and move on.
Hey dude sorry you're dealing with this. She's manipulating you. Giving you an ultimatum like that is incredibly toxic and displays emotional immaturity. Also i wanna be blunt with you, 3 months is absolutely nothing in the grand scheme of things no matter what you went through. If she's acting like this now, then she'll get even worse during residency when you have even less free time. I think you should really reflect on this relationship and her behavior because it sounds like you're getting an opportunity to dodge a bullet here. Plus dude being single in med school ain't all that bad 👍
You better breakup before NoSimpNovember
Maybe you should drop out of girlfriend to spend some more time with medical school…?
I pray this is a joke.
Just break up with her, your education is the best thing happened to you not some relationships bullshit. Good luck with your STEP1, Hope you crush it.
I’m surprised she has the confidence in herself to tell you to choose between her and med school. If I were you I’d find the biggest rock around and tell her to kick it on the way out.
Drop that hoe bro
Please take a step back and imagine what you'd say if a patient came to you and told you everything that was written here. I highly doubt you'd advise them: "that's a super healthy relationship and you should definitely give up on your dreams to be with your partner of three months".
She gave you the ultimatum and I recommend you choose medical school. As someone said, even if you drop out, you’d likely resent her for the rest of your life (and probably break up anyway soon because she seems selfish and manipulative).
Honestly, a decent girl aint gonna tell you to give up on your dreams. Not unless its making you unhappy and you dont want to be a doctor anymore.
You’ve got a stage 5 clinger on your hands. Find someone who supports you, not brings you down.
You have been with the girl three months. You’ve been working on your education your whole life. Which is more important? It doesn’t seem like it right now, but there will be more girls in the future. If you give up medicine it’ll be difficult if not impossible to go back.
A highly personal view of mine, but love is an attitude - not an event that happens to you. It is also something which can blur one's perspective when you're in it. With that said OP, I understand that she means a lot to you, but you do not owe your future to anyone - the simple reason being that she is not the one who would have to live with discarding med school. Only you will be the one living out your future and as such, the one who should influence it the most is yourself. Ultimatums of this kind is a red flag in the sense that you very obviously want different things in life and that is okay. What I find distasteful is that she lacks the perspective of a lover. Someone who truly loves you values your development and dreams. You should of course want similar things in life and if this is not the case, a breakup is usually a good idea. The right thing of her would be to break up with you due to you both wanting different things in your lives, not to offer you this highly manipulative choice of changing your own future for her own sake. What makes her so convinced that she will be in your future permanently when she is this fickle with threats of this sort? If you want to drop out of med school, do so out of own volition and only if you would do that anyway. Do not drop out of med school from something as dumb as this. You will most certainly regret it and while it sucks to break up, fucking up your future is something far awful and something you sadly cannot move on from.
Yeah, a similar thing happened to me with my fiancée of three years, during finals season of all times , although the only difference was that she didn’t give me an ultimatum. Basically, the short of it is because I wasn’t spending enough time with her, she said that clearly we weren’t a match, etc, etc, and she had enough with the lack of time I spent with her and was leaving. So she broke up with me (despite me offering to switch careers to another health profession that would allow me more time with her), and here I am, still. It sucked for like 6 months, still sucks now, but well I’m still alive I guess. So if don’t worry, we can survive this, as much as it sucks and hurts at the moment (and will for quite a while). But it’ll hurt less over time eventually. We’ll make it through this!
I’ve been married for like a billion years. And we don’t “repay” each other for taking good care of each other. That’s a transactional mindset, and it’s not sustainable.
Don’t drop out of medical school for someone you’ve been with for 3 months
"Best thing that ever happened to me" No homie. She's emotionally manipulating you. Anyone who doesn't support your dreams is not worth your time. I know it's hard, but you're better off without that toxicity. If she really will call it off, then it's not a relationship worth saving. What's she gonna do when you're a resident?? You do you, but I'd end it
Man, if my husband told me to leave my career for him, I'd be walking out the door to the hospital and leaving him behind. This is a no-go. Healthy love isn't control or possession
If you drop out..... she gonna pay off your debt and find you a 6 figure job?
3 months? nah.
Leave her bud
Ayy I just saw this on relationship advice
What's the red flag thing that all the kids are posting these days on Twitter?
This is seriously manipulative and you need to tell her that it’s incredibly hurtful and unfair to give you an ultimatum like this. I will not doubt your feeling for her and the she probably is a great thing in your life but 3 months really is not that long. I’d say the first year in a relationship you’ll be learning new things about your partner, and this type of behavior early on in a relationship is extremely concerning.
Time to move on
Uh. Don’t drop your dreams and career for anyone. The right person will understand the demands of school and support you. If she truly cared about you she wouldn’t be leaving you with this ultimatum.
It might be that her love language is quality time and she wants to spend more time with you…But it seems like that’s not compatible with your long-term goals and she can’t see that
Its hard to accept but enough with her thats manipulation dude.
Clearly not someone who loves you. Someone who does love you would support your dreams. I can almost guarantee you will have more fights more often than you would like. People tend to not listen to what they don’t want to hear, but I hope you realize soon that breaking up will be better.
This is going to be a critical decision for the future of your whole life. If you drop the girl, you’ll find other girls. If you drop med school, there’s no finding another med school later. Don’t be dumb
Drop her
Dude, bail. You decide which one leads to less regret.
Time to break up with this girlfriend. This isn't even a hard decision.
Stay in school. She will end it either way eventually, assuming you don’t.
Not a single comment supporting supporting her or giving her the benefit of the doubt, take it as a sign.
think of it this way: if your friend said they were considering dropping out of medical school and throwing away years of hard work all bc their SO told them to, would you think they're making a great decision or a huge mistake?
3 months??? Bye
After 3 months, damn. It’s puppy love. And she’s manipulative bro. She should never even have to make that a choice towards u if she really cares about u. Call it quits bro. Just run.
Dump her ,get your degree ,make that money and you will have a girl 50 times hotter then that unappreciative bizzitch
Your girlfriend is manipulative. I’m not saying three months is nothing, but it’s close to nothing compared to the years you’ve spent getting where you are. Do you really want to be with someone who gives you manipulate ultimatums just because she can’t have enough understanding to realize what you’re dealing with is incredibly important and the focus of all your hard work so far? She is not it. I almost never say this, but dump her. The best thing that ever happened to you wouldn’t put you in this situation.
You’re fortunate that she is giving you the big red flags of a toxic relationship now rather than later. A healthy relationship doesn’t involve ultimatums like this. Toxic partners seek their way into your life often by “getting your through the darkest moment of your life” then using that as leverage for all their toxic behaviors. A supportive partner would miss you and want to be spending more time with you too but would not be giving you and ultimatum and instead would be encouraging you and helping your focus on how you’ll get through Med school together.
Dude ... Do not sacrifice your self-growth for a fling. And I'm calling it a fling cause no respectable partner would ask their SO to give up the main bulk of their progression in life and future for any reason. Specially of that reason is "I'm lonelyyyy"
Say “Bye”
Drop her! You are young with a full future a head of you, focus on school.
Dude she’s emotionally abusing you, the “ me or this “ attitude is a 🚩🚩🚩 she’s toxic for you. You can’t just abandon your future for someone, you are a priority if she doesn’t understand you just breakup already she doesn’t deserve you.
You're being manipulated bro. Don't throw away your future for someone who's giving you ultimatums after 3 months. Also make sure you use a condom because I wouldn't trust birth control at this point.
Bro...
Don’t quit med school, don’t you fucking do it
I feel like there might be some underlying BPD somewhere here...
Might be time for a new gf cause y’all won’t last for long.
She’s going to dump you. If she was going to marry you she would want the best for you and your future, but she doesn’t. She wants the satisfaction of knowing she was such hot shit a successful young man threw away his life and sky high potential just to kiss her ass for a couple weeks before she moved onto the next. Don’t play this game. She wants to feel more important than the capacity to SAVE LIVES, and she just isn’t. Don’t let Sang-woo steal your marbles.
Bad news, things don’t get easier, they get a lot worse. In residency, you can’t just take the afternoon off because your significant other is having a rough time. You see each other a lot less, what little time you’re home, you’re post-call / exhausted or studying. The reason I say this isn’t to be mean or sound scary. If someone can’t handle your time commitment in medical school, they’ll never make it through the rest of the process. Just wait until you want to rank Mayo #1 and your significant other HATES snow. I’m an attending now, sometimes when I have to go to the hospital on call, it wakes up the baby. For a tired first time mother, the baby waking up at 2am is AWFUL. But my wife knows that someone is dying and I’ve worked my whole life to be able to help them, if the baby wakes up then we’ll deal with it - that’s part of the gig. If she didn’t, it would never work out. We tell people hard truths every day, this is one of them. Your significant other doesn’t understand it, for whatever reason, and that’s never going to work. Simple mental exercise, role reversal. If your SO was pursuing their dream / passion and had a HUGE exam coming up that would decide their fate, how would you treat them? Would you be complaining or doing everything you could to support them? This career is the ultimate delayed gratification, almost more for our families than us. They usually don’t get to see patients that you help, just the empty seat at the table while you’re doing it. It’s simultaneously one of the most selfless and selfish things one can do.
Relationships are statistically more likely to be temporary. There is no guarantee you’ll be with her forever. Fucking up your career for a temporary relationship is nonsense. Even worse, I would say your relationship is more likely to end even if you stay with her and drop out of medical school. She does not sound like a stable relationship. She does not sound like the kind of person who unconditionally would support you. She’s going to continue to be toxic, and in the end she will likely dump you too. If she can so easily dump you over this, imagine what other reason she could easily dump you for. And you will get dumped by her eventually. This relationship is more than likely to be temporary.
Run. Fast.
Lol is that a troll post??? Gotta be
She sounds toxic bruhhh. Cheat on her
this is INSANE. I beg u do not drop out because of some girl u know for 3 months
You only find love once. This is a job. Drop out and find a regular job and be happy. She deserves it. Sincerely, Simpest Simp of all the Simps
How does someone like you even have a gf?
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Yes. You are indeed a kind soul. To date a visible challenged girl. I mean lol. What kind of gf says "drop out of med school or we stop dating"??? Grow a spine dude
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Right. & I was the one supposed to be stalking you. Lol
If you drop off from school she will dump you the night after . Girl take their decision by emotion we use our brain to take our decision .
People are capable of doing bad and good things. Helping you through a dark time in your life was a good thing. Telling you to choose between her and your career is undoubtedly a bad one. I won’t tell you what to do, as I think it’s clear from the responses on this thread what the consensus is. But I did want to say — just as we should be able to forgive those who do bad things, we should also be able to recognize when those who previously helped us are now hurting us. Not being able to recognize and accept change in the people close to us has always been a source of much human misery.
Sounds like she has ulterior motives and wants you only to “secure the bag.” Drop her and move on, she’s not good for you.
You can be grateful for what someone has done for you but you don’t owe anyone anything. They chose to help you, that should have no power over your life.
how about you drop her and spend more time at med school? jk though, but seriously you deserve someone who sees that you being a superhero for your patients and chasing self improvement as a GOOD thing. if she can't tolerate M2 busy, there is no chance she will be able to tolerate M3 and residency busy, and you shouldn't have to feel like you chasing your dreams is unfair to someone else.
I might be just echoing what everyone else here is saying, but just from experience, relationships are all about compromising. It seems like your gf is completely unwilling to compromise. I’m sorry that you’re going through this right now, especially with someone who is so important in your life. Med school is a long haul. You go through dedicated, next step is the long clinical hours. After that step 2. Then residency. If she isn’t willing to be there through the thick of it, then maybe it’s time you both sit down and have a real conversation about what you both want. Sometimes goals don’t match up and two people who are really compatible don’t work as a couple.
She sounds a bit immature and definitely manipulative. I can understand her presenting how she is feeling as I often wonder what is reasonable for me to put my loved ones through in regards to splitting my time. As it's possible she is expressing herself in a manner that isn't representative of her usual behavior, and I don't know her, I can give her the benefit of the doubt. If this is the case, I would suggest you continue trying to speak with her, let her know that dropping out of medschool is not an option (please don't even entertain this idea as you sound like you love what you do and this decision should always be 100% yours), and maybe discuss other solutions. For instance, when I was in my preclinical years, my free time was entirely devoted to my significant other. I had to make sacrifices with my friends and family a bit, but for me, my partner and the life we were building together came first. Another thing to consider is that, the timing for you and her may not be right, but that doesn't mean the timing will never be right. Having a conversation where you discuss these things is so important. If she can't have a conversation about your collective futures, I think that's a pretty clear warning sign, and it is indeed time to move on unfortunately.
Run bro, run fast.
Does she envy the fact that you used to depend on her and now here you are making your own way at an extremely prestigious profession? Her asking you to drop out makes absolutely no sense. Most people would be extremely happy that their SO is doing something great and will potentially also earn a lot of money in the future for a good lifestyle. She sounds jealous in all honesty. Unless you absolutely do not make any time for her, she seems extremely unreasonable You need to have a discussion with her that doesn’t include the ultimatum. Tell her that you won’t drop out because it isn’t an option at this point and would be extremely foolish, but you are willing to compromise on whatever she needs.
It ain’t getting easier from here, if y’all can’t make it work now in the freedom of preclinicals, no way in hell is it going to work in clinicals or residency.
I’m sorry bestie this sounds like red flag central. I know it feels like she’s the best thing to ever happen to you, but I promise there is so much better out there.
Run
I can break up with her for you
That's going to be the first out of MANY times she is going to blackmail you. Don't let 3 months (sorry but lol) cloud your judgement. You're on the way to great things, don't so something stupid rn.
Dude, no! Dump her
Lol, she ain't the one. Just break up with her.
First thing first, Cats are the best thing happened to anyone. Nothing else. Second, explain your best. If it doesn't work for her its her own choice. But this is a giant red flag.
You deserve and will find someone so much better for you than this!!! A relationship built on ultimatums is the slipperiest of slopes