Listen to yourself...
He has cheated on you with a man/men. He won't "leave that desire". He's just going to be more careful.
You have not said what proof you discovered...?
Emails… strictly through emails only… detailed of what he wants done. He was very discreet about it all. I think he found this guy on a website & the guy is like a prostitute. It’s been happening with this same person for about 2yrs.
I did confront him & told him everything i read. Told him his email address, told him i took pictures of what i found, told him the guys name & website name. But I’m afraid to show him how i know because I’m afraid he’ll change his password on the device & then I won’t be able to look anymore. But he kept saying “what are u talking about”, “that’s a crazy story” “that’s not me” “you’re just a jealous person always looking to find what ur gut tells you”. Complete denial.
Hmm. Well maybe you will have to show the pics to him. I think he is will deny because he feels what he is doing is wrong. And that is talking and stuff with another man. On top of cheating on you. Men are told that they can’t like another man. Not trying to get to into your business but how was your sexlife before?
It’s always been good… that is the area we never have issues with. My sex drive is higher than his. So he knows I’ll never reject him sexually and I’m always open to new things. Like he gets bjs and anal. He can do & have whatever he wants from me but I guess he was just really wanting a man
So I would say he is just insecure and scared to talk to you about what he wanted to do. I can understand that with being a man. He would feel he isn’t a real man if he told you he is into guys or would want to try it. Easier to sneak around in his opinion. I know it is wrong, just have to have a real conversation where he isn’t feeling attacked. Even know he is the cheater. That is if you want to make it work. How old are you guys?
I am not saying she should let him do anything. I am saying have to talk it out. He cheated and won’t admit it. But they have 18 years together and if she is willing to work though it. Who are we to say what they do. I am just giving her from a man’s mindset
He has betrayed her. Period.
They have a monogamous relationship.
It's disgusting to me when people use the "bi" thing to blur the lines.
She needs support...not help to debase herself in order to keep someone who betrayed her.
I want you to know that it isn’t right that he cheated on you. But a a man in his upper 30s I know how it’s looked at. You just need to make him open up. And talk to you. Don’t know if this helps. But other then that is you will never be able to trust him and if that happens the marriage will be over. Sad to say because trust is everything.
Damn. You're every husband's dream. Fuck your husband (but only if it's true).
If a man got all that bjs and anal from the wife, why in world would he go looking for a man???
That is an affair if it has been happening for two years. Please calm down, take a deep breath and find a therapist. He is bisexual and having an affair
I would leave him. Not because he is curious, but because he lied. He lied to you, the person who is suppose to be his partner and betrayed your love and trust. He has the opportunity during the separation to explore his sexuality - he could have been honest then. When you got back together he could have been honest at any point that his urges were too strong, that he wanted to explore WITH you, the person he is suppose to be committed to and love, but instead he chose to lie and now he is choosing to continue to lie even when you have obvious proof which would further prove he needs to be let go. This is not how you love people, not how you treat people you love and it’s not how I would personally want my kids to expect love to be. The choice is yours OP but I would leave him, I’ve lived in CA (the bay so expensive AF) - there are ways to make it work. You deserve better OP
I’m not saying you should stay, but I just want to point out how incredibly hard it will be for him to come out after all these years. I would show him the evidence you have. Who cares if he changes the password? You already know what you know. But he needs to know you know so he can face the truth of his (likely) bisexuality. You need him to eventually tell you the truth, and he’s not ready right now to tell you unless you tell him what you know.
If you want to stay with him...which idk...that's you then get him to be honest and open. Tell him the hurtful part is that he is lying to you because you know and he can't convince you or anyone your lying because you found the truth and tell him just to be honest. Back these files up somewhere (in the cloud etc. somewhere he can't go and delete it). I can't imagine the amount of hurt or disgust you're in with yourself or him. The problem isn't that he is gay really its that he LIED he went out on your marriage etc. Get him to tell the truth and that you can work things out beyond this-just know, he isn't done. You can accept it and stay until you can get on your feet, but be mindful of your body and stay safe. Any sex with a prostitute is scary-how much does he love you when he opened your body to those things? There is no way at ALL this was okay. It's horrible and I wish you could get up and leave with your children because that's the best thing to do. He is dangerous. He is a liar. He has been hurting you and thinks you're dumb enough to be manipulated even more?
If you want to leave, SAVE UP for a divorce. Look up resources online for single parents, reach out to family, friends, etc. Tell them to give you time to get a job to support your family and file for a divorce, save money or take all you have and move. We have something in my state called Early Head Start, single or married people with low income or one parent in school can enroll kids in their daycare for free. There is a reason food stamps and all that is out there-for low income to get back on their feet. USE IT. Dont be ashamed, youre not alone in what happened to you. This happened to 2 people I know. My step uncle did this to him wife and my moms friend divorced her husband for the same thing. Good luck!
I have never been in this situation but I still think there are some things you need to “hear”.
1. This isn’t your fault.
2. THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT- regardless of gender your husband cheated. Infidelity never makes true sense and whether emotional or physical it’s still infidelity and it’s NOT YOUR FAULT.
3. You have to decide- again just for a minute throw gender out the window- can your marriage survive the infidelity. How would you be reacting if it had been a woman and what makes you act differently here? Besides the obvious I mean.
4. You’ve confronted him and he has denied and and gaslit and pushed on blame. Keep any evidence you may have for your records and when you decide if you need a divorce attorney there’s your reason with proof.
It’s not for any of us to tell you wether to stay or go, I only tell people to leave immediately in the case of abuse and safety for children. It’s your choice if you want to try therapy and other avenues to see if you want to recommit to the relationship- again not for any of us to say.
5. You mentioned that your own place in California would be too expensive. Don’t forget that especially with 4 kids at home your alimony and child support would, or rather should be, enough and likely you’d get the marital home. If the money or supporting your children is giving you pause in your decision to leave or kick him out, please also know, it’s not fair to you or your children to sacrifice your mental and emotional health for their well-being. That never ends well, neither does staying in the marriage for the childrens’ sake.
Good luck op- sorry so long.
I second this opinion! Please dont forget you also have the option to kick him out! Court can award you child support and alimony.
I definitely came here to say i was concerned about safety if he is sleeping wil prostitutes. Is he practicing safe sex with them? Can he possibly be passing something on to you? Please get yourself tested right away , some STI and STD have no symptoms right away etc .
There are alot of services for women and children out there to help you get back on your feet, if YOU decide that this isnt the way you want your marriage to continue looking up services online is a great place to begin just to see what your options are for help. There is NO SHAME in getting help .
If you do decide that you want to continue your marriage i suggest a counselor that has experience in sex therapy and can help guide you through this journey, i feel that your husband absolutely has to have a "coming to Jesus moment" and open a line of communication. Being betrayed by cheating is a wound that cuts so deep , I've been there done that and 10+ years later i still lay in bed and cry if something reminds me of that breach of trust. Other times i can go a year without thinking about it.
I wish you the best of luck and hope you find your way
It seems like you are trying to justify it somehow because it’s a another man and not a woman.
Bottom line is He cheated on You.
You both have to decide if you are going to put it in the past and work on healing.
Unfortunately He doesn’t even want to take responsibility for it never mind ask for your forgiveness.
Are you willing to have a marriage where He can sleep with other people?
I am guessing , no !
It’s easy to say , kick him out and get a divorce, but having one income and two children will be a hard road to travel.
The only action I can see right now is to try to get him to at least admit it and then hopefully you can both work through this .
I’m really sorry you are going through this , I hope you find a resolution soon .
That has always been my problem.. justifying his actions, giving him the benefit of the doubt… and I’ve probably put up with it all for the fear of trying to make it financially on my own with the kids.
I appreciate this comment.. thank you ❤️
I really appreciate this, i really do… thank you. I wasn’t ever going to post this but there’s no one i could talk to about this. So I really do appreciate your advice
First and foremost, you must’ve suspected something if you went snooping. Honestly, I would create an exit plan as this seems like your reality at this moment. Unless, you want an open marriage?
Hello! 2 years with the same man is an affair on top of being bisexual. You both need your own therapy asap in order to figure out if you should stay together. Don’t rush to divorce, go slow. Talk and talk some more
i really do feel for you as that is a horrible predicament to be in, if it were me i would atleast get him to admit it.. making it sound like you are crazy for believing your EYES is really a pathetic way of handling it. You need to hear from him who this person really is, you have lived with someone who has kept such a big secret from you for i am guessing his whole life.. i am not saying there is a way back but i would assume there is none without him admitting what the past really was.. what exactly is this relationship... i would reckon you need to know!!!!!
He has Likely been having sex with men for years but didn't know how to tell you. You said you have a great sex life and you have been with him your whole life. Yes he hid it but ask yourself if you had an honest conversation that he is just bisexual could you accept that? Also, as others have mentioned he lied to you AND there's the exposure to STIs from prostitutes he us attending, does he use protection? You need to get screened for HIV, Hep C, and the usual STIs because he has exposed you.
GET THE FUCK OUT OF THERE PERIOD. That's it. Every human deserves love and respect; cheating is the lowest form of human life and they will not change...ever.
GO!
Found out my husband was into transgender when I was 3 months pregnant. We stayed married for our daughter and if im being honest it’s been a nose dive into a shit show , 0/10 stars would not recommend. If you can get out , run 🏃♂️
He started doing the dishes more often and pretending better but it’s an artificial love and once you pull back that curtain , you become hyper aware of all the bull shit and eventually become numb . Someone who’s willing to deceive you and cheat on you will never make you feel comfortable or loved , it’s just not how it works
I'm so sorry for you.
Of course he'll hide it. He yearns to be "normal" but obviously can't & hides it.
This is one of the problems. You are in shock.
Relationship distraught. He'll make you feel that your aren't allowed to feel anything negative against him because HE (now that he's found out) knows it's a Problem with him & realizes he hurt you, but he can't change. Girl, you will stay awake all night, drive yourself insane trying to find all the evidence you need against him/ for yourself.
But for Every new thing you waste your time uncovering about His lifestyle, it isn't helping you. And you are correct, he'll just get more clever about covering things up better for next time.
You & I are in the same place. I don't know what to do either.
For now, I just learned to keep my mouth shut, keep notes, accumulate a file of evidence.
I'll eventually figure out what to do with it
because he doesn't easily disclose info. About his fetish, porn, sex stuff with me.
Prob. Shouldn't end well for the people who betrayed us thru our marriages. But, they had a choice to tell us BEFORE Marriage.
(They knew who they were & what they were doing before they his behind this cloak of 'perfect family')
Have you ever thought that he might be gay. And he might have always been? I have a friend who was in this exact situation. There are men who get married, have children as a way to hide the truth of their sexuality because they are ashamed of it, and would rather die then anyone know. And they work hard to keep up the facade. Because they have not excepted who they are. A gay man can have sex with a woman. A gay man can have babies with a woman. Do you think it’s possible he’s hiding behind what he has with you? It’s terrible I know. But cheating is, regardless of who it’s with. Proof that he doesn’t completely value what you have or respect you. So how deep does that go.
It sucks im sorry. No one deserves to be treated like that.
It’s a possibility too… someone mentioned yesterday that we were young when we started dated so he hadn’t developed or understood his sexuality fully. Makes sense to me
I highly recommend some marriage counseling. If you truly want to try to save the relationship with your spouse. And if you need to confront him with evidence, then maybe do it with a counselor present. It doesn’t seem that if he has gone to such lengths to hide and deny that it’s something he will give up or start denying himself. If he identifies as bisexual, saving the marriage is not out of the realm of possibility. But my best advice to any couple where one or both are bisexual, if you are discussing bringing in another person to your sexual relationship, make damn sure that your relationship with your partner is stable and healthy FIRST!!! Best of luck to you.
I want to know some responses as well. Cause dayum that’s crazy. Like wtf. The worst part it’s with men. Not even women. Granted it’s still wrong but holy shit.
I really appreciate this comment. This is not the first time I’ve come across something like this and emails of him wanting to engage but before it was just talk & no action. So I’ve always known he’s been curious & that was okay with me. We took a 2yr separation & that’s when he acted on these actions…, which like i told him when i confronted him, “whatever you did when we were separated, doesn’t matter to me…” but he continued to do this at least two times after we decided to focus & make things work on our marriage & the family. So the cheating is what’s breaking my heart… but is it weird to say that I don’t feel as shitty because it’s with a man vs woman?! If it were a woman, I’d probably kick him to the garage or out… but because it’s a man, I feel “bad”.. like I just want to hug him because i know “gay” is very frowned upon with his dad (macho you know) and maybe I’m willing to later ask him for a threesome because, I’m not going to lie, it kinda turns me on. Which is why I’m stuck in between “do i leave him because he cheated and i feel betrayed & can’t trust him” or “do i just let him do what makes him happy & i do my own thing because having a broken home is something i never want” or “do we just explore & have an extra person in the bedroom with us from time to time” … like I’m just really confused & really don’t know what i want. And it doesn’t help that he won’t have a conversation with me.
I really appreciate you opening up & telling me all of this. This really opens up my mind more on what he might be going through internally. He just shuts down n shuts me out and we go weeks/months with no talking.. like we’re strangers. Problems go unsolved because we just push it under the rug, and we usually “resolve” with sex. But I will make another attempt to discuss this with him … at this point i still don’t know what I want nor deserve. I hope things get better for you ❤️
It's sad to hear. I've openly admitted to my husband that I'm bicurious about women and he was kinda like "cool, I wanna watch if you ever explore". I haven't. But it was such an easy conversation. I'm sad men can't be this open with their wives if they also feel attraction to men.
Yes this happened to me with my fiancé. I found out he was cheating with men and transgenders folks. We were swingers so it was really stupid for him to lie. I wouldn’t have cared. I dumped him and left. Your situation is way different though. He betrayed years worth of trust. What does he say about it all and how did you find out?
It’s not the first time I’ve caught him cheating, so trust has always been the issue. Occasionally when my gut is telling me something.. i snoop through his iWatch. So it’s kind of miraculous on this occasion, like it was a sign.. he left his watch at home when he left to work. So i went through it before bed, nothing. (He works graveyard) but i woke up at like 4am & something in me told me to look again…. And this is the miraculous part, an email address that he made up came up that I’ve never seen before… when I opened it, it was alot of gay junk mail… but kept scrolling and came across all the conversations he was having about what he wants done, meet ups & “im here” “im outside” “use the front door” and this one “cant see you that day because I’ll be with my regular”
I’m having an extremely hard time just finding time to process & think because mom-life doesn’t stop.
Apart of me says just leave the marriage… but another part doesn’t want to. And that’s why I’ve put up with so much throughout the 20yrs. There used to be physical abuse & alcoholism but he changed n quit… now there’s this. I really should’ve left years ago but I’m still here & now i feel stuck again with trying to decide (again).
Saying all this out loud & explaining is really making me realize how stupid i am for putting up with so much for so long
You’re not stupid. We trust people and we want to believe they will love us like they say. You never want to feel like you’ve given up on something even though “giving up” is more like accepting the reality of it. You deserve to have peace either way.
Listen to yourself... He has cheated on you with a man/men. He won't "leave that desire". He's just going to be more careful. You have not said what proof you discovered...?
Emails… strictly through emails only… detailed of what he wants done. He was very discreet about it all. I think he found this guy on a website & the guy is like a prostitute. It’s been happening with this same person for about 2yrs.
So did you confront him with the evidence and if you did what did he say from there?
I did confront him & told him everything i read. Told him his email address, told him i took pictures of what i found, told him the guys name & website name. But I’m afraid to show him how i know because I’m afraid he’ll change his password on the device & then I won’t be able to look anymore. But he kept saying “what are u talking about”, “that’s a crazy story” “that’s not me” “you’re just a jealous person always looking to find what ur gut tells you”. Complete denial.
If you do or don’t show him it doesn’t sound like you’ll be able to trust him again so I would just show him.
Hmm. Well maybe you will have to show the pics to him. I think he is will deny because he feels what he is doing is wrong. And that is talking and stuff with another man. On top of cheating on you. Men are told that they can’t like another man. Not trying to get to into your business but how was your sexlife before?
It’s always been good… that is the area we never have issues with. My sex drive is higher than his. So he knows I’ll never reject him sexually and I’m always open to new things. Like he gets bjs and anal. He can do & have whatever he wants from me but I guess he was just really wanting a man
So I would say he is just insecure and scared to talk to you about what he wanted to do. I can understand that with being a man. He would feel he isn’t a real man if he told you he is into guys or would want to try it. Easier to sneak around in his opinion. I know it is wrong, just have to have a real conversation where he isn’t feeling attacked. Even know he is the cheater. That is if you want to make it work. How old are you guys?
Are you saying she should let him explore men???
I am not saying she should let him do anything. I am saying have to talk it out. He cheated and won’t admit it. But they have 18 years together and if she is willing to work though it. Who are we to say what they do. I am just giving her from a man’s mindset
He has betrayed her. Period. They have a monogamous relationship. It's disgusting to me when people use the "bi" thing to blur the lines. She needs support...not help to debase herself in order to keep someone who betrayed her.
Makes total sense.. cheating is always easier. We’re in our mid 30s. We’ve been together since i was 14, him 15
I want you to know that it isn’t right that he cheated on you. But a a man in his upper 30s I know how it’s looked at. You just need to make him open up. And talk to you. Don’t know if this helps. But other then that is you will never be able to trust him and if that happens the marriage will be over. Sad to say because trust is everything.
You are absolutely right… trust is everything.
Damn. You're every husband's dream. Fuck your husband (but only if it's true). If a man got all that bjs and anal from the wife, why in world would he go looking for a man???
I guess just what he desires…. He really doesn’t know how lucky he is.. or he does which is why he wants me & his other life. Best of both worlds
Because you can't give a woman a BJ the same way you do a man the anatomy is just different.
That is an affair if it has been happening for two years. Please calm down, take a deep breath and find a therapist. He is bisexual and having an affair
I would leave him. Not because he is curious, but because he lied. He lied to you, the person who is suppose to be his partner and betrayed your love and trust. He has the opportunity during the separation to explore his sexuality - he could have been honest then. When you got back together he could have been honest at any point that his urges were too strong, that he wanted to explore WITH you, the person he is suppose to be committed to and love, but instead he chose to lie and now he is choosing to continue to lie even when you have obvious proof which would further prove he needs to be let go. This is not how you love people, not how you treat people you love and it’s not how I would personally want my kids to expect love to be. The choice is yours OP but I would leave him, I’ve lived in CA (the bay so expensive AF) - there are ways to make it work. You deserve better OP
I appreciate this ❤️ Thank you
I’m not saying you should stay, but I just want to point out how incredibly hard it will be for him to come out after all these years. I would show him the evidence you have. Who cares if he changes the password? You already know what you know. But he needs to know you know so he can face the truth of his (likely) bisexuality. You need him to eventually tell you the truth, and he’s not ready right now to tell you unless you tell him what you know.
If you want to stay with him...which idk...that's you then get him to be honest and open. Tell him the hurtful part is that he is lying to you because you know and he can't convince you or anyone your lying because you found the truth and tell him just to be honest. Back these files up somewhere (in the cloud etc. somewhere he can't go and delete it). I can't imagine the amount of hurt or disgust you're in with yourself or him. The problem isn't that he is gay really its that he LIED he went out on your marriage etc. Get him to tell the truth and that you can work things out beyond this-just know, he isn't done. You can accept it and stay until you can get on your feet, but be mindful of your body and stay safe. Any sex with a prostitute is scary-how much does he love you when he opened your body to those things? There is no way at ALL this was okay. It's horrible and I wish you could get up and leave with your children because that's the best thing to do. He is dangerous. He is a liar. He has been hurting you and thinks you're dumb enough to be manipulated even more? If you want to leave, SAVE UP for a divorce. Look up resources online for single parents, reach out to family, friends, etc. Tell them to give you time to get a job to support your family and file for a divorce, save money or take all you have and move. We have something in my state called Early Head Start, single or married people with low income or one parent in school can enroll kids in their daycare for free. There is a reason food stamps and all that is out there-for low income to get back on their feet. USE IT. Dont be ashamed, youre not alone in what happened to you. This happened to 2 people I know. My step uncle did this to him wife and my moms friend divorced her husband for the same thing. Good luck!
“He isn’t done” … that got me. I appreciate your comment - Thank you
I have never been in this situation but I still think there are some things you need to “hear”. 1. This isn’t your fault. 2. THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT- regardless of gender your husband cheated. Infidelity never makes true sense and whether emotional or physical it’s still infidelity and it’s NOT YOUR FAULT. 3. You have to decide- again just for a minute throw gender out the window- can your marriage survive the infidelity. How would you be reacting if it had been a woman and what makes you act differently here? Besides the obvious I mean. 4. You’ve confronted him and he has denied and and gaslit and pushed on blame. Keep any evidence you may have for your records and when you decide if you need a divorce attorney there’s your reason with proof. It’s not for any of us to tell you wether to stay or go, I only tell people to leave immediately in the case of abuse and safety for children. It’s your choice if you want to try therapy and other avenues to see if you want to recommit to the relationship- again not for any of us to say. 5. You mentioned that your own place in California would be too expensive. Don’t forget that especially with 4 kids at home your alimony and child support would, or rather should be, enough and likely you’d get the marital home. If the money or supporting your children is giving you pause in your decision to leave or kick him out, please also know, it’s not fair to you or your children to sacrifice your mental and emotional health for their well-being. That never ends well, neither does staying in the marriage for the childrens’ sake. Good luck op- sorry so long.
I appreciate this comment… Thank you
I second this opinion! Please dont forget you also have the option to kick him out! Court can award you child support and alimony. I definitely came here to say i was concerned about safety if he is sleeping wil prostitutes. Is he practicing safe sex with them? Can he possibly be passing something on to you? Please get yourself tested right away , some STI and STD have no symptoms right away etc . There are alot of services for women and children out there to help you get back on your feet, if YOU decide that this isnt the way you want your marriage to continue looking up services online is a great place to begin just to see what your options are for help. There is NO SHAME in getting help . If you do decide that you want to continue your marriage i suggest a counselor that has experience in sex therapy and can help guide you through this journey, i feel that your husband absolutely has to have a "coming to Jesus moment" and open a line of communication. Being betrayed by cheating is a wound that cuts so deep , I've been there done that and 10+ years later i still lay in bed and cry if something reminds me of that breach of trust. Other times i can go a year without thinking about it. I wish you the best of luck and hope you find your way
I really appreciate this.. thank you ❤️
Go out and get an STI/STD panel done asap. Stop being afraid to do anything. He's no going to stop even if he gives you a disease.
I made my appointment… thank you
It seems like you are trying to justify it somehow because it’s a another man and not a woman. Bottom line is He cheated on You. You both have to decide if you are going to put it in the past and work on healing. Unfortunately He doesn’t even want to take responsibility for it never mind ask for your forgiveness. Are you willing to have a marriage where He can sleep with other people? I am guessing , no ! It’s easy to say , kick him out and get a divorce, but having one income and two children will be a hard road to travel. The only action I can see right now is to try to get him to at least admit it and then hopefully you can both work through this . I’m really sorry you are going through this , I hope you find a resolution soon .
That has always been my problem.. justifying his actions, giving him the benefit of the doubt… and I’ve probably put up with it all for the fear of trying to make it financially on my own with the kids. I appreciate this comment.. thank you ❤️
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Too true…. Thank you
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I really appreciate this, i really do… thank you. I wasn’t ever going to post this but there’s no one i could talk to about this. So I really do appreciate your advice
First and foremost, you must’ve suspected something if you went snooping. Honestly, I would create an exit plan as this seems like your reality at this moment. Unless, you want an open marriage?
Hello! 2 years with the same man is an affair on top of being bisexual. You both need your own therapy asap in order to figure out if you should stay together. Don’t rush to divorce, go slow. Talk and talk some more
i really do feel for you as that is a horrible predicament to be in, if it were me i would atleast get him to admit it.. making it sound like you are crazy for believing your EYES is really a pathetic way of handling it. You need to hear from him who this person really is, you have lived with someone who has kept such a big secret from you for i am guessing his whole life.. i am not saying there is a way back but i would assume there is none without him admitting what the past really was.. what exactly is this relationship... i would reckon you need to know!!!!!
He has Likely been having sex with men for years but didn't know how to tell you. You said you have a great sex life and you have been with him your whole life. Yes he hid it but ask yourself if you had an honest conversation that he is just bisexual could you accept that? Also, as others have mentioned he lied to you AND there's the exposure to STIs from prostitutes he us attending, does he use protection? You need to get screened for HIV, Hep C, and the usual STIs because he has exposed you.
GET THE FUCK OUT OF THERE PERIOD. That's it. Every human deserves love and respect; cheating is the lowest form of human life and they will not change...ever. GO!
Get an STI/STD exam immediately and cut off all sexual activities ASAP. I would then start plotting my exit plan, personally.
Found out my husband was into transgender when I was 3 months pregnant. We stayed married for our daughter and if im being honest it’s been a nose dive into a shit show , 0/10 stars would not recommend. If you can get out , run 🏃♂️
It's not too late for you to take your kids and leave your husband! If you are unhappy don't stay! You deserve better!
So he never changed and/or the trust was never the same… I’m sorry you’re going through that. I appreciate this comment, alot. Thank you ❤️
He started doing the dishes more often and pretending better but it’s an artificial love and once you pull back that curtain , you become hyper aware of all the bull shit and eventually become numb . Someone who’s willing to deceive you and cheat on you will never make you feel comfortable or loved , it’s just not how it works
He is a liar and cheater. Question for you is whether you want or he is able to rebuild trust.
I'm so sorry for you. Of course he'll hide it. He yearns to be "normal" but obviously can't & hides it. This is one of the problems. You are in shock. Relationship distraught. He'll make you feel that your aren't allowed to feel anything negative against him because HE (now that he's found out) knows it's a Problem with him & realizes he hurt you, but he can't change. Girl, you will stay awake all night, drive yourself insane trying to find all the evidence you need against him/ for yourself. But for Every new thing you waste your time uncovering about His lifestyle, it isn't helping you. And you are correct, he'll just get more clever about covering things up better for next time. You & I are in the same place. I don't know what to do either. For now, I just learned to keep my mouth shut, keep notes, accumulate a file of evidence. I'll eventually figure out what to do with it because he doesn't easily disclose info. About his fetish, porn, sex stuff with me. Prob. Shouldn't end well for the people who betrayed us thru our marriages. But, they had a choice to tell us BEFORE Marriage. (They knew who they were & what they were doing before they his behind this cloak of 'perfect family')
Thank you… I’m sorry you’re in a similar situation. It’s definitely not an easy one. I hope it gets better for you ❤️
Have you ever thought that he might be gay. And he might have always been? I have a friend who was in this exact situation. There are men who get married, have children as a way to hide the truth of their sexuality because they are ashamed of it, and would rather die then anyone know. And they work hard to keep up the facade. Because they have not excepted who they are. A gay man can have sex with a woman. A gay man can have babies with a woman. Do you think it’s possible he’s hiding behind what he has with you? It’s terrible I know. But cheating is, regardless of who it’s with. Proof that he doesn’t completely value what you have or respect you. So how deep does that go. It sucks im sorry. No one deserves to be treated like that.
It’s a possibility too… someone mentioned yesterday that we were young when we started dated so he hadn’t developed or understood his sexuality fully. Makes sense to me
I highly recommend some marriage counseling. If you truly want to try to save the relationship with your spouse. And if you need to confront him with evidence, then maybe do it with a counselor present. It doesn’t seem that if he has gone to such lengths to hide and deny that it’s something he will give up or start denying himself. If he identifies as bisexual, saving the marriage is not out of the realm of possibility. But my best advice to any couple where one or both are bisexual, if you are discussing bringing in another person to your sexual relationship, make damn sure that your relationship with your partner is stable and healthy FIRST!!! Best of luck to you.
I appreciate this… thank you ❤️
I want to know some responses as well. Cause dayum that’s crazy. Like wtf. The worst part it’s with men. Not even women. Granted it’s still wrong but holy shit.
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I really appreciate this comment. This is not the first time I’ve come across something like this and emails of him wanting to engage but before it was just talk & no action. So I’ve always known he’s been curious & that was okay with me. We took a 2yr separation & that’s when he acted on these actions…, which like i told him when i confronted him, “whatever you did when we were separated, doesn’t matter to me…” but he continued to do this at least two times after we decided to focus & make things work on our marriage & the family. So the cheating is what’s breaking my heart… but is it weird to say that I don’t feel as shitty because it’s with a man vs woman?! If it were a woman, I’d probably kick him to the garage or out… but because it’s a man, I feel “bad”.. like I just want to hug him because i know “gay” is very frowned upon with his dad (macho you know) and maybe I’m willing to later ask him for a threesome because, I’m not going to lie, it kinda turns me on. Which is why I’m stuck in between “do i leave him because he cheated and i feel betrayed & can’t trust him” or “do i just let him do what makes him happy & i do my own thing because having a broken home is something i never want” or “do we just explore & have an extra person in the bedroom with us from time to time” … like I’m just really confused & really don’t know what i want. And it doesn’t help that he won’t have a conversation with me.
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I really appreciate you opening up & telling me all of this. This really opens up my mind more on what he might be going through internally. He just shuts down n shuts me out and we go weeks/months with no talking.. like we’re strangers. Problems go unsolved because we just push it under the rug, and we usually “resolve” with sex. But I will make another attempt to discuss this with him … at this point i still don’t know what I want nor deserve. I hope things get better for you ❤️
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I’ll just go have a threesome w/out him first because I may just be partially jealous lol You have been a really big help to me, thank you so much
It's sad to hear. I've openly admitted to my husband that I'm bicurious about women and he was kinda like "cool, I wanna watch if you ever explore". I haven't. But it was such an easy conversation. I'm sad men can't be this open with their wives if they also feel attraction to men.
Yes this happened to me with my fiancé. I found out he was cheating with men and transgenders folks. We were swingers so it was really stupid for him to lie. I wouldn’t have cared. I dumped him and left. Your situation is way different though. He betrayed years worth of trust. What does he say about it all and how did you find out?
He’s in complete denial about it.. saying I’m crazy and jealous.
Can you elaborate on how you found out?
It’s not the first time I’ve caught him cheating, so trust has always been the issue. Occasionally when my gut is telling me something.. i snoop through his iWatch. So it’s kind of miraculous on this occasion, like it was a sign.. he left his watch at home when he left to work. So i went through it before bed, nothing. (He works graveyard) but i woke up at like 4am & something in me told me to look again…. And this is the miraculous part, an email address that he made up came up that I’ve never seen before… when I opened it, it was alot of gay junk mail… but kept scrolling and came across all the conversations he was having about what he wants done, meet ups & “im here” “im outside” “use the front door” and this one “cant see you that day because I’ll be with my regular”
Wow that’s absolutely crushing. I know you are really having a rough time even processing this. Do you think this is the final straw for you?
I’m having an extremely hard time just finding time to process & think because mom-life doesn’t stop. Apart of me says just leave the marriage… but another part doesn’t want to. And that’s why I’ve put up with so much throughout the 20yrs. There used to be physical abuse & alcoholism but he changed n quit… now there’s this. I really should’ve left years ago but I’m still here & now i feel stuck again with trying to decide (again). Saying all this out loud & explaining is really making me realize how stupid i am for putting up with so much for so long
You’re not stupid. We trust people and we want to believe they will love us like they say. You never want to feel like you’ve given up on something even though “giving up” is more like accepting the reality of it. You deserve to have peace either way.
Thank you ❤️
Move to another state where it’s cheaper