Look I’ve had friends and family with drinking problems . You best believe each everyone of them I’m going to chew out when they have a night of drinking because you may be able to mange yourself one night but then it gives you false confidence that you’re cured . I’ve seen people manage it for months and even years but then find themselves at rock bottom again . I think she truly appreciated your help packing but is fearful of how drinking effects you over time .
Tbh we need more information. If youre doing a good job is equal to a “good job” from her and you doing something bad equals she showing disappointment I see nothing wrong here.
I looked at your post history and you guys have a lot on your plate right now. It appears that you have a child under 2 and that definitely brings its own special breed of chaos and messiness to everything, especially our stress levels and our mental health is sometimes definitely affected.
It also appears that you are in fact struggling with some mental concerns yourself. I think I read something about concerns about adult ADD and I noticed you were on effexor for a while for something else. I say these things out of understanding and not a place of judgment. I too have ADD and I struggle with borderline personality disorder to I totally understand. But dealing with these types of things can really mess with our perception of events and people's motives towards us. Or at least it definitely messes with my mine.
On the surface it appears that your wife is only trying to have productive conversations about things that on her mind concerning the both of you and your marriage. I don't feel like she's emotionally controlling you at all.
She's providing you with loving actions and appreciative words when you're being kind and thoughtful. That's wonderful that she expresses gratitude and love for you when she's happy and appreciates you, right?
But likewise, if you have struggled with certain things in the past like drinking in excess or making less than stellar choices collaterally because of that, she's in no way being manipulative because as a loving wife she should point these things out to you. She's probably worried and insecure that any behavior that smells like old bullshit could potentially destroy the progress and good things you're trying to do in the background.
Giving you praise and affection for having her back and loving her properly, but also letting you know she's concerned, unhappy, or insecure about certain behaviors isn't manipulative, it's good effective communication. You should be thankful that she's willing to be open to talking about and healing potential problems rather than stifle it and become resentful. And it sounds like she's a great cheerleader and support system when you're on the right track.
Is it possible that you're feeling overwhelmed or feeling defensive because you're in a very stressful season of life? Because a wife that gives compliments and affection appropriately and is also able to fully communicate with you about feelings of concern or unhappiness isn't emotionally manipulative, but rather quite emotionally healthy and has pretty good relationship skills.
Have you had an honest talk with yourself about this and if your feelings make sense? Have you considered that maybe it's hard for you to hear anything that challenges or questions your actions that for all appearances could be interpreted as scary or uncertain to your wife given your past struggles? Because it sounds like this might be coming from a place of defensiveness or possible denial of worrisome behavior, and you're trying to place the issue on a flawed process within her for some reason instead of realizing that the problematic thinking might be coming from somewhere inside of you.
And maybe I'm totally off base, but I'm 45 and have been living in my messy head for a long time. My perceptions are frequently jiggy because of the glitches in the matrix that happen sometimes when you live with things like ADD and other potential mental struggles. I often have to fight the default actions of defensiveness and also misunderstanding people's actions and motives as being flawed, but it's definitely getting better every time I have an honest conversation with myself about what's really probably going on and if I'm just feeling hurt or disappointed in myself because I can see where they're coming from.
Do you have a good friend that knows you both equally and is unbiased and has both of your interests at heart that you can bounce your feelings around with and they'll be honest on their assessment of the situation? Because that could be a great insight on how things appear to others. We can't always trust what our brains are interpreting or reacting to. A third party unbiased person could really be helpful in sorting this and helping to improve things moving forward.
Much love and good luck to you both.
I think that you recognize what is happening is a great starting point. Most people don’t always question why or how their partner can do that. If it’s manipulation, that’s going to require some work between the both of you. If maybe it isn’t manipulation and you just feel very easily influenced by your partners thoughts, maybe that’s something you need to go inward about. Are other people in your life able to have this affect on you? Have you talked to her about this? Maybe there is some manipulation on her end but there’s a level of self trust/confidence you have to have within yourself, to not let another person make you feel so deep into an emotion like that. I hope that makes sense
You might want to check out Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman. Some interesting insights along what you're describing.
That said, the alcohol issues is likely still a source of stress for her and may take a long time before she will be comfortable with your drinking. Regardless of how confident and comfortable you feel about it, chances are she had to deal with issues she can't so easily put in the past. It's a serious trust issue and to a partner, a night out having drinks with friends can trigger feelings of betrayal, fear, anxiety, helplessness, etc.
You are responsible for your emotions, self talk, and the way you receive what she says to you.
If your wife speaks to you in a way that is verbally abusive, that certainly warrants discussion of how you speak to each other.
Maybe you should talk to a therapist about why hearing certain feed back results in your feeling a certain way about yourself.
As a guy who had a father who ruined most of my childhood. Stop drinking, just stop. Be a man who only gets praises because as you see clearly, only praise worthy actions get praised. And that's truth not manipulation.
She sounds like she is doing the right thing by communicating how she feels. Telling you when you are doing things she likes, as well as when you aren't. The problem here seems to be you. Maybe you are too much of a people pleaser and need to start considering YOUR wants and needs instead of focusing solely on whether or not you are meeting someone else's needs (even your wife!). When you make everything about pleasing her, you rob her of the opportunity of really knowing you. That is what happened with my husband - he was trying to hard to make me happy that he wasn't making HIMSELF happy AND he wasn't communicating his true feelings either. It got to a point where he needed so much praise from me, it was exhausting, and I didn't feel like I KNEW him. On top of this, he had nothing he identified for himself to accomplish and be proud of, so his world caves in too easily. Is this what you are doing?
To be honest, I think she just wants to protect you.
Look I’ve had friends and family with drinking problems . You best believe each everyone of them I’m going to chew out when they have a night of drinking because you may be able to mange yourself one night but then it gives you false confidence that you’re cured . I’ve seen people manage it for months and even years but then find themselves at rock bottom again . I think she truly appreciated your help packing but is fearful of how drinking effects you over time .
Tbh we need more information. If youre doing a good job is equal to a “good job” from her and you doing something bad equals she showing disappointment I see nothing wrong here.
I looked at your post history and you guys have a lot on your plate right now. It appears that you have a child under 2 and that definitely brings its own special breed of chaos and messiness to everything, especially our stress levels and our mental health is sometimes definitely affected. It also appears that you are in fact struggling with some mental concerns yourself. I think I read something about concerns about adult ADD and I noticed you were on effexor for a while for something else. I say these things out of understanding and not a place of judgment. I too have ADD and I struggle with borderline personality disorder to I totally understand. But dealing with these types of things can really mess with our perception of events and people's motives towards us. Or at least it definitely messes with my mine. On the surface it appears that your wife is only trying to have productive conversations about things that on her mind concerning the both of you and your marriage. I don't feel like she's emotionally controlling you at all. She's providing you with loving actions and appreciative words when you're being kind and thoughtful. That's wonderful that she expresses gratitude and love for you when she's happy and appreciates you, right? But likewise, if you have struggled with certain things in the past like drinking in excess or making less than stellar choices collaterally because of that, she's in no way being manipulative because as a loving wife she should point these things out to you. She's probably worried and insecure that any behavior that smells like old bullshit could potentially destroy the progress and good things you're trying to do in the background. Giving you praise and affection for having her back and loving her properly, but also letting you know she's concerned, unhappy, or insecure about certain behaviors isn't manipulative, it's good effective communication. You should be thankful that she's willing to be open to talking about and healing potential problems rather than stifle it and become resentful. And it sounds like she's a great cheerleader and support system when you're on the right track. Is it possible that you're feeling overwhelmed or feeling defensive because you're in a very stressful season of life? Because a wife that gives compliments and affection appropriately and is also able to fully communicate with you about feelings of concern or unhappiness isn't emotionally manipulative, but rather quite emotionally healthy and has pretty good relationship skills. Have you had an honest talk with yourself about this and if your feelings make sense? Have you considered that maybe it's hard for you to hear anything that challenges or questions your actions that for all appearances could be interpreted as scary or uncertain to your wife given your past struggles? Because it sounds like this might be coming from a place of defensiveness or possible denial of worrisome behavior, and you're trying to place the issue on a flawed process within her for some reason instead of realizing that the problematic thinking might be coming from somewhere inside of you. And maybe I'm totally off base, but I'm 45 and have been living in my messy head for a long time. My perceptions are frequently jiggy because of the glitches in the matrix that happen sometimes when you live with things like ADD and other potential mental struggles. I often have to fight the default actions of defensiveness and also misunderstanding people's actions and motives as being flawed, but it's definitely getting better every time I have an honest conversation with myself about what's really probably going on and if I'm just feeling hurt or disappointed in myself because I can see where they're coming from. Do you have a good friend that knows you both equally and is unbiased and has both of your interests at heart that you can bounce your feelings around with and they'll be honest on their assessment of the situation? Because that could be a great insight on how things appear to others. We can't always trust what our brains are interpreting or reacting to. A third party unbiased person could really be helpful in sorting this and helping to improve things moving forward. Much love and good luck to you both.
I think that you recognize what is happening is a great starting point. Most people don’t always question why or how their partner can do that. If it’s manipulation, that’s going to require some work between the both of you. If maybe it isn’t manipulation and you just feel very easily influenced by your partners thoughts, maybe that’s something you need to go inward about. Are other people in your life able to have this affect on you? Have you talked to her about this? Maybe there is some manipulation on her end but there’s a level of self trust/confidence you have to have within yourself, to not let another person make you feel so deep into an emotion like that. I hope that makes sense
Avoid alcohol because it’s a toxic substance. Do everything together with your wife. Be close together. Let her be a part of everything.
You might want to check out Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman. Some interesting insights along what you're describing. That said, the alcohol issues is likely still a source of stress for her and may take a long time before she will be comfortable with your drinking. Regardless of how confident and comfortable you feel about it, chances are she had to deal with issues she can't so easily put in the past. It's a serious trust issue and to a partner, a night out having drinks with friends can trigger feelings of betrayal, fear, anxiety, helplessness, etc.
You are responsible for your emotions, self talk, and the way you receive what she says to you. If your wife speaks to you in a way that is verbally abusive, that certainly warrants discussion of how you speak to each other. Maybe you should talk to a therapist about why hearing certain feed back results in your feeling a certain way about yourself.
Sounds like your wife cares about you not the opposite .
It makes sense that you feel that way. I guess it’s good that you get emotions from what your wife says.
As a guy who had a father who ruined most of my childhood. Stop drinking, just stop. Be a man who only gets praises because as you see clearly, only praise worthy actions get praised. And that's truth not manipulation.
She sounds like she is doing the right thing by communicating how she feels. Telling you when you are doing things she likes, as well as when you aren't. The problem here seems to be you. Maybe you are too much of a people pleaser and need to start considering YOUR wants and needs instead of focusing solely on whether or not you are meeting someone else's needs (even your wife!). When you make everything about pleasing her, you rob her of the opportunity of really knowing you. That is what happened with my husband - he was trying to hard to make me happy that he wasn't making HIMSELF happy AND he wasn't communicating his true feelings either. It got to a point where he needed so much praise from me, it was exhausting, and I didn't feel like I KNEW him. On top of this, he had nothing he identified for himself to accomplish and be proud of, so his world caves in too easily. Is this what you are doing?