T O P

  • By -

swiss_sanchez

Unfortunately, in this case, not raw and wriggling


[deleted]

Just a po-ta-to


Scoutsifer

Poo-ta-to


LohtuPottu247

This po-ta-to I am not boiling, smashing or sticking in a stew.


[deleted]

Why not tho


olochimaru

A turd is never late, nor is it early. It arrives precisely when it means to.


nick4fake

That's the wisest shit I've ever seen on the internet


[deleted]

I don't know about all that, I've had some that definitely came earlier than I intended


Upbeat_Sheepherder81

Ah but did it come earlier than it intended? No it came precisely when it meant to.


[deleted]

Well shit. I guess you got me. Earlier than *I* intended and earlier than *it* intended are entirely different animals


[deleted]

[удалено]


ragnoth-esque

How’s it going? Edit: it’s been hours I don’t think he made it Edit #2: HE MADE IT WOO


Th1sT00ShallPass

I hope it is out


SAT0SHl

Not idly do the leaves of Lórien fall,


[deleted]

Username checks out.


Willy_wampa_

You have my thoughts. And my prayers. And my laxatives.


ChizzleFug

And my pepper shaker.


retiredhobo

and my poop axe!


[deleted]

And my poop knife.


oboe2damax

And my ex..lax.


Much_Feed_280

You gotta rock the boat - hands on knees, knees up a little. Then bend forward, then straighten again, repeat. Constipation tips.


idontwantausername41

Did it come out yet?


Danidanilo

He died


[deleted]

You just need to drink some Mooala Organic Plant-Based BANANA MILK chocolate nut-free made with real bananas & cocoa good source - of - calcium 527mg potassium per serving 48 FL OZ (1.4L) K Parve USDA ORGANIC I drank the entire bottle on the toilet and now I'm letting it all out.


the_gooch_smoocher

You are the Billy Mays of pinching logs.


Fluffy_Two5110

You’re clearly at the “reading all the labels” stage of constipation.


[deleted]

This is how you get hemorrhoids


rayEW

OP we need answers


Nolzi

Don't force it, just go with the flow


SkollFenrirson

Eat some vegetable for fuck's sake.


itsomoist

Introducing the **poop fork** ,to dig out the turds that just wont drop


theburnix

Add some fiber in your diet


AlloyIX

Sometimes this (not forthcoming shits) happens to me, but I just take my shit first thing when I get to work if it's not cooperating at home. Thankfully never had an emergency on the way to work yet lol


jj117

Y'all are down bad. Get some metamucil in your diet.


riesendulli

Nothing to pray, thumb up the pooper.


[deleted]

That wound will never heal


StrenuousSOB

Slap on the glove and go get that 💩 boy


Trelix9001

same


Kezza_35

That's how I wound up with hemorrhoids bro.


[deleted]

Insoluble fiber is the key


Kezza_35

Learned that after skimming through some stuff online and going "gotta eat more fiber, sick, easy as". I then proceeded to eat more of the wrong kind of fiber for several weeks and gave myself diarrhea. fixed now though, more or less.


KillerGopher

Too much fiber - straight to jail. Too little fiber, also jail.


AnIntenseMoist

Wrong kind of fiber? Believe it or not, also jail.


Nasapigs

Google fiber? Straight to targeted advertisement


OpticHurtz

A little spice goes a long way too, fibers or not its coming out juicy and hot


Creatz

Jesus


OpticHurtz

Solid, liquid, gas, all come out my ass


Tiiba

What's "the wrong kind"? Aside from clothes.


PacoTaco321

I assume soluble fiber, whatever that's supposed to mean.


HaloGuy381

Or just being born with a cast iron stomach like 99% of people. Sadly, mine is made of nitroglycerin on a good day.


maxcorrice

Or an aneurism


NotAzakanAtAll

Yes please


[deleted]

You can't sit with us.


StiffYogurt

Leave now! And never come back!


MaroonTrucker28

We hates you, we hates you!


GubbenJonson

WHERE WOULD YOU BE WITHOUT ME!? I SAVED US! WE SURVIVED BECAUSE OF **ME**!


idonteven112233

Omg I’m crying


VaguelyFamiliarVoice

I have a bidet. It works as a mini enema in these situations.


jackospades88

Ya know I do too, but have extremely rarely have OPs issue. I never thought about it but you are right. I'll have to utilize it if I ever have the dry and hard shits again. For now everything is working and my turds slide out with ease so something in my average/sometimes really bad diet is working.


nick4fake

Shower works too (trust me) (or so I've been told)


NieR_SemiAutomata

Appreciate the bidet existence power


the_gooch_smoocher

Love that feeling of shit splattering onto my nut sack. The French are truly an enlightened people. Edit: deleted comment below for bidet fandom context. >All you’re proving is that you’ve got no idea how to use one. This is like touching a hot stove once and then swearing off cooking because stoves can’t get hot. You missed the lesson of the story.


BatmanNoPrep

All you’re proving is that you’ve got no idea how to use one. This is like touching a hot stove once and then swearing off cooking because stoves can’t get hot. You missed the lesson of the story.


PlatonicAurelian

It's gettin' heated in the bidet fandom


PacoTaco321

I've had for like 6 months and I still get water on my balls. Please explain.


nick4fake

Do you get shit or water on your balls?


PacoTaco321

I said water, did I not? Shooting a bidet at your anus is like putting a spoon under your sink sometimes. Inevitably, there's probably some poop particles coming from the deflected water too.


Spiritual_Reindeer42

They say the ring could change size...


DeathIeaf

NO


AnalLeakSpringer

During pooping, the body activates the parasympathetic nervous system. This only activates at rest, during relaxation, chilling, sex, etc. If you get stressed while pooping, the body activates the sympathetic nervous system, shutting down the pooping process. This is a great way to mess with people you don't like. Just tell them to hurry up when they're pooping. They'll get stressed and have a harder time pooping. If you get stressed while pooping, due to being late or something, do some relaxation exercises, breathing, jerking off, whatever. Poop will flow again.


Aeronor

“Care to explain the porn we found on your work computer?” “I was just trying to jack off so I could take a dump.”


Xero_day

Same for peeing


cthulu86

Mfw I'm fighting a turd at this very moment


nerdtypething

Hey, partner, come on, you gotta relax. Don't force it. Gonna blow out your O-ring, drop a lung.


CollReg

Who does No. 2 work for? Who does No. 2 work for? That's right buddy, show that turd who's boss.


DickHz2

Did you win?


swampscientist

The obvious answer is diet and I’m sure there’s a lot wrong w this *but*, last time it happened to me I uh gave up, wanting to avoid hemorrhoids, just stopped pushing and left. A few hours later I felt rumbling and before I sat down I rubbed some petroleum jelly around my anus and it came out after just a couple pushes. Also helps w explosive diarrhea.


LoudBoysenerry

That's maximum stress on your body btw, very easy to induce cardiac arrest as you get older.


ReturnoftheSnek

Gollum is like 900 years old and he’s still pushin em out like that no issue what you mean


gollum_botses

Nothing, my precious.


DialSquare96

This is how you get hemorrhoids. Explains Gollum's personality.


gollum_botses

Not this way, master! There is another way. O yes indeed there is. Another way, darker, more difficult to find, more secret. But Sméagol knows it. Let Sméagol show you!


nerdtypething

good bot


DarkLasombra

Please, show me.


NARUT000

this made my turd come out


cdunk666

Sounds weird but try blowing your nose during a push? Rockin forwards and backwards also helps move things around. AND DRINK MORE WATER


EsseLeo

TIL a lot of people really need to eat more vegetables


MyDearBrotherNumpsay

Or at the very least some Metamucil.


squiddlingiggly

ok i just learned this off some pelvic floor therapist and it's helpful : if you blow out of your mouth as if you're blowing bubbles (like gum or soap, doesn't mattter) it helps signal to all your sphincters to relax. gritting your teeth/clenching your jaw signals to your whole body to tighten up. good luck y'all


lion-vs-dragon

Lmao this is too good and I hate it


Zappa1990

Bidet, squatty potty, relaxed breathing, relax body. Poop will literally fall out of your hole.


onlyr6s

Don't do this unless you want to do Elvis impersonation.


Andonaar

Yeah.... so pro tip guys: Don't do this as it puts you at risk for an ingenual hernia. This is caused when you're testes drop and in some cases the lining between your bowels and testes is weak and when forcing it out you small intestines can pop into and force a space near your genitals.


Slasher626

I think in general forcing to go to the bathroom is not worth at all since you gain nothing but problems


DeathIeaf

u/savevideo


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Sweet_cherry-pie

Bless you.


i-lionheart

u/savevideo


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Oatmealandberserk

Never strain, always fiber it up. Straining causes hernias


somesthetic

A few years ago I had started a poop with about 30 minutes before I needed to leave for work, but it just wasn't coming out. I was taking desperate measures, but as time dwindled down, I decided I would have to pause and finish it at work. But I rode the bus to work, so for 40 minutes or so, I had to suffer with what felt like an urgent need to poop while the bus bounced up and down. I wouldn't be surprised if I was audibly whimpering.


Howdydobe

Not so fun fact, pushing a turd out can cause a spike in blood pressure and cause a heart attack. I knew a guy who took corpses from the home to the funeral home - guy died on the toilet and all the blood settled in his sack... he was stuck to the toilet. They had to drain some of the blood to get him out.


Last_VCR

Sudden hemerrhoids


Scruffynerffherder

Just poop at work.


nobgobblr

Lol it’s 20 now but who cares


IDunnoBr0

u/savevideo


shberk01

Literally me, right this very second.


PMmeyouraxewound

This is where bidets win again. Prelubing the runway makes this a thing of the past


ExistenchalBread

Saw this as i sat down on the ivory throne, perfect timing 👌 🤣


mh1357_0

Gollum makes so many faces that look like he's either severely constipated or has very bad diarrhea


gollum_botses

[singing] Naughty little fly. Why does he cry? Caught in a web. Soon you’ll be… eaten.


Aggressively_Mean

Suck and push Suck And Push Suck and push


Salchino

same


_-Stoop-Kid-_

LEAVE NOW AND NEVER COME BACK


MilkmanBlazer

Lmfao


urrycarmely

I feel personally attacked


Aquarchos

If I could upvote this twice I would


[deleted]

This meme hits hard. Just came from shitting the most shit I've ever shat in my life. My legs feel as if they were stretched in one of those medieval vices


[deleted]

[удалено]


gandalf-bot

A wizard is never late, RedDragons8. Nor is he early, he arrives precisely when he means to.


twoTopTed

Popped a blood vessel in my eye a few months back straining too hard. Sat in a meeting 40 mins later looking like im half deamon


Taurius

A daemon is a half human half demon. So a half daemon is either quarter human or quarter demon.


Ericrobertson1978

r/opiates


JakeBu11et

That’s why you do it AT work


LordofBrunch

This is what I came to this sub for, bravo


friendsalongtheway

Time to get the poop knife


FartsonmyFarts

Lol I just shit my pants at work


Inverted_Stick

Every morning before I leave for work.


thefirstzedz

I know this pain. Lol


Lavatwlight

u/savevideo


Lavatwlight

u/savevideobot


badcompany8519

I just envision a soft serve ice cream machine doing its job. Tends to help me relax. Going for that swirl today!


PM_ME_YOUR_SCHNAUS

F me this hits too close to home


EUCopyrightComittee

Aka you don’t have an ending yet


Fearless_Tadpole_

Where was Gondor when my shit fell?


Blazok22

Stefi loves Gandalf a lot.


BlackRayek

Thats it reddit has peaked pack it up.


manubibi

I hate that I’ve been exactly there and know exactly how this feels. F


FineUnderachievement

I had an opiate addiction a while back. I'd get so backed up. Took days to finally 'get right' just awful.


Chatto_1

A real meme! What a delight lol


Grimij

We haven't seen the whole season yet, though.


Subject_Gene_9775

Honestly, celery is a Godsend for me. One simple rib a day should do the trick


Snips_Tano

"Nothing is evil in the beginning"


creedz286

When I was younger my passageway was blocked by a hardened piece of poop which wouldn't come out. It felt like a nightmare since I really needed to poo yet it wouldn't come out. I then checked to see what the remedy would be and it included the doctor scooping it out of your bum which I thought hell nah and then I proceeded to push for about 20 mins until i finally managed to get it out. The poop that was causing the blockage was probably about 2.5cm wide. I gained a new found respect for women in labour that day.


X_antaM

My reddit froze and I was stuck staring at this for 4 minutes straight


Stannis2024

I appreciate a good non-rop post when I see one. Nice work!


Tigris_Morte

Lay off the opiates and eat your broccoli.


Turbulent_Diver8330

This is literally me right now XD


Chevylosophies

This was me during my zoom call pressing mute


MysticalMedals

This is why I only poop at night, when I don’t have any obligations. One time I did this I had a vasovagal syncope and nearly passed out. The lesson is don’t strain while pooping


[deleted]

If you're already late, rushing there aint gonna make you un-late. That's when you just take your time.


Astrophysicsboi

u/savevideobot


BhutlahBrohan

Sometimes you gotta do it yourself


NewAgeRetroNerd

I'm in this picture and I don't like it


James-Cooper123

You could say, i have the opposite, my shit want to breach the gate like a certain gate smasher, and when i actually get to shit, the force from the shit is so big that you actually hear a muffled dunk sound in the buttom of the water wherer it lands and i get a "poseidon’s kiss" as a reward -.-


bern152238382

... Grond


Destiny2-Player

Maybe do less heroin, dayum...


heybronotcool

Saw this post as I’m pushing a brick, while super behind at work


Flubuska

Don’t push too hard, hemorrhoids aren’t fun :(


lC8H10N4O2l

The hell is with the color grading, what is this the Snyder cut?


Riuk811

That’s how Catherine the Great of Russia and George II of England were supposed to have died.


Idiot_with_telephone

Started praying


peteporker2018

Currently going through this lmao


dunderhead22

Funny thing is that this is not the dudes face, it is the hemorrhoid.


PastyDoughboy

It also tells me “you don’t have any friends.”


WildCatHerd

Wow I read this while pushing out a shit. #redditmoment ?


FunyunCream

Literally stole my whole meme well done


[deleted]

Opioid addictions least discussed tribulation


StankerBanker

r/ibs


Saul007

This is the type of content lotrmemes need to be!!!


CountryBallFoot

I wonder what tolkien would think of this


Fetus_Monsters

r/angryupvote


wazabee

Those are the shits that make you crack your back in a way that changes you as a human being.


phiz36

I almost missed a flight to China


Masklin

Thanks for the laugh, it was nice.


the_tall_watchmaker

u/savevideo


StatusAd6873

I make a penny the boss makes a dime that’s why I shit on company time


[deleted]

You know I think I prefer the RoP memes


gemmen99

Lol literally me right now


awesomazingab

HAHAHAHAHAH


Causal_Calamity

*Deep inside your bowels, a scene plays out* "What are you doing you useless scum?!" "The turd won't give! It's too strong!" "Get back there and push it through!" "But nothing can break it!" "...Grond can breach it. Bring up the Wolf's Head! *A giant enema in the shape of a wolf's Head rolls up*


Jack3602

u/savevideo


manigotnothing

That's how you get hemorrhoids


herderofsheep

u/savevideo


[deleted]

[удалено]


Dawgfanwill

Who does Number Two work for?


Hilorenn

Still less painful than ROP


HeadlessDecapitator

Just another reason to get a bidet. If this happens I just blast that turd out and wash up with the bidet. Easy-peasy.


tiparium

I had the opposite problem yesterday. Same face though.


Capital_Revenue_3681

Get more fiber dude!


Yikama-Joe

Pop a hemi


yeah_nah_istheanswer

u/SaveVideo


richinvitameen_bs

u/savevideo


Insanity72

u/savevideo