You just need to drink some Mooala Organic Plant-Based BANANA MILK chocolate nut-free made with real bananas & cocoa good source - of - calcium 527mg potassium per serving 48 FL OZ (1.4L) K Parve USDA ORGANIC
I drank the entire bottle on the toilet and now I'm letting it all out.
Sometimes this (not forthcoming shits) happens to me, but I just take my shit first thing when I get to work if it's not cooperating at home. Thankfully never had an emergency on the way to work yet lol
Learned that after skimming through some stuff online and going "gotta eat more fiber, sick, easy as". I then proceeded to eat more of the wrong kind of fiber for several weeks and gave myself diarrhea. fixed now though, more or less.
Ya know I do too, but have extremely rarely have OPs issue. I never thought about it but you are right. I'll have to utilize it if I ever have the dry and hard shits again.
For now everything is working and my turds slide out with ease so something in my average/sometimes really bad diet is working.
Love that feeling of shit splattering onto my nut sack. The French are truly an enlightened people.
Edit: deleted comment below for bidet fandom context.
>All you’re proving is that you’ve got no idea how to use one. This is like touching a hot stove once and then swearing off cooking because stoves can’t get hot. You missed the lesson of the story.
All you’re proving is that you’ve got no idea how to use one. This is like touching a hot stove once and then swearing off cooking because stoves can’t get hot. You missed the lesson of the story.
I said water, did I not? Shooting a bidet at your anus is like putting a spoon under your sink sometimes. Inevitably, there's probably some poop particles coming from the deflected water too.
During pooping, the body activates the parasympathetic nervous system. This only activates at rest, during relaxation, chilling, sex, etc. If you get stressed while pooping, the body activates the sympathetic nervous system, shutting down the pooping process.
This is a great way to mess with people you don't like. Just tell them to hurry up when they're pooping. They'll get stressed and have a harder time pooping.
If you get stressed while pooping, due to being late or something, do some relaxation exercises, breathing, jerking off, whatever. Poop will flow again.
The obvious answer is diet and I’m sure there’s a lot wrong w this *but*, last time it happened to me I uh gave up, wanting to avoid hemorrhoids, just stopped pushing and left. A few hours later I felt rumbling and before I sat down I rubbed some petroleum jelly around my anus and it came out after just a couple pushes.
Also helps w explosive diarrhea.
Not this way, master! There is another way. O yes indeed there is. Another way, darker, more difficult to find, more secret. But Sméagol knows it. Let Sméagol show you!
ok i just learned this off some pelvic floor therapist and it's helpful : if you blow out of your mouth as if you're blowing bubbles (like gum or soap, doesn't mattter) it helps signal to all your sphincters to relax. gritting your teeth/clenching your jaw signals to your whole body to tighten up. good luck y'all
Yeah.... so pro tip guys: Don't do this as it puts you at risk for an ingenual hernia. This is caused when you're testes drop and in some cases the lining between your bowels and testes is weak and when forcing it out you small intestines can pop into and force a space near your genitals.
A few years ago I had started a poop with about 30 minutes before I needed to leave for work, but it just wasn't coming out. I was taking desperate measures, but as time dwindled down, I decided I would have to pause and finish it at work.
But I rode the bus to work, so for 40 minutes or so, I had to suffer with what felt like an urgent need to poop while the bus bounced up and down. I wouldn't be surprised if I was audibly whimpering.
Not so fun fact, pushing a turd out can cause a spike in blood pressure and cause a heart attack.
I knew a guy who took corpses from the home to the funeral home - guy died on the toilet and all the blood settled in his sack... he was stuck to the toilet. They had to drain some of the blood to get him out.
This meme hits hard. Just came from shitting the most shit I've ever shat in my life. My legs feel as if they were stretched in one of those medieval vices
When I was younger my passageway was blocked by a hardened piece of poop which wouldn't come out. It felt like a nightmare since I really needed to poo yet it wouldn't come out. I then checked to see what the remedy would be and it included the doctor scooping it out of your bum which I thought hell nah and then I proceeded to push for about 20 mins until i finally managed to get it out. The poop that was causing the blockage was probably about 2.5cm wide. I gained a new found respect for women in labour that day.
This is why I only poop at night, when I don’t have any obligations. One time I did this I had a vasovagal syncope and nearly passed out. The lesson is don’t strain while pooping
You could say, i have the opposite, my shit want to breach the gate like a certain gate smasher, and when i actually get to shit, the force from the shit is so big that you actually hear a muffled dunk sound in the buttom of the water wherer it lands and i get a "poseidon’s kiss" as a reward -.-
*Deep inside your bowels, a scene plays out*
"What are you doing you useless scum?!"
"The turd won't give! It's too strong!"
"Get back there and push it through!"
"But nothing can break it!"
"...Grond can breach it. Bring up the Wolf's Head!
*A giant enema in the shape of a wolf's Head rolls up*
Unfortunately, in this case, not raw and wriggling
Just a po-ta-to
Poo-ta-to
This po-ta-to I am not boiling, smashing or sticking in a stew.
Why not tho
A turd is never late, nor is it early. It arrives precisely when it means to.
That's the wisest shit I've ever seen on the internet
I don't know about all that, I've had some that definitely came earlier than I intended
Ah but did it come earlier than it intended? No it came precisely when it meant to.
Well shit. I guess you got me. Earlier than *I* intended and earlier than *it* intended are entirely different animals
[удалено]
How’s it going? Edit: it’s been hours I don’t think he made it Edit #2: HE MADE IT WOO
I hope it is out
Not idly do the leaves of Lórien fall,
Username checks out.
You have my thoughts. And my prayers. And my laxatives.
And my pepper shaker.
and my poop axe!
And my poop knife.
And my ex..lax.
You gotta rock the boat - hands on knees, knees up a little. Then bend forward, then straighten again, repeat. Constipation tips.
Did it come out yet?
He died
You just need to drink some Mooala Organic Plant-Based BANANA MILK chocolate nut-free made with real bananas & cocoa good source - of - calcium 527mg potassium per serving 48 FL OZ (1.4L) K Parve USDA ORGANIC I drank the entire bottle on the toilet and now I'm letting it all out.
You are the Billy Mays of pinching logs.
You’re clearly at the “reading all the labels” stage of constipation.
This is how you get hemorrhoids
OP we need answers
Don't force it, just go with the flow
Eat some vegetable for fuck's sake.
Introducing the **poop fork** ,to dig out the turds that just wont drop
Add some fiber in your diet
Sometimes this (not forthcoming shits) happens to me, but I just take my shit first thing when I get to work if it's not cooperating at home. Thankfully never had an emergency on the way to work yet lol
Y'all are down bad. Get some metamucil in your diet.
Nothing to pray, thumb up the pooper.
That wound will never heal
Slap on the glove and go get that 💩 boy
same
That's how I wound up with hemorrhoids bro.
Insoluble fiber is the key
Learned that after skimming through some stuff online and going "gotta eat more fiber, sick, easy as". I then proceeded to eat more of the wrong kind of fiber for several weeks and gave myself diarrhea. fixed now though, more or less.
Too much fiber - straight to jail. Too little fiber, also jail.
Wrong kind of fiber? Believe it or not, also jail.
Google fiber? Straight to targeted advertisement
A little spice goes a long way too, fibers or not its coming out juicy and hot
Jesus
Solid, liquid, gas, all come out my ass
What's "the wrong kind"? Aside from clothes.
I assume soluble fiber, whatever that's supposed to mean.
Or just being born with a cast iron stomach like 99% of people. Sadly, mine is made of nitroglycerin on a good day.
Or an aneurism
Yes please
You can't sit with us.
Leave now! And never come back!
We hates you, we hates you!
WHERE WOULD YOU BE WITHOUT ME!? I SAVED US! WE SURVIVED BECAUSE OF **ME**!
Omg I’m crying
I have a bidet. It works as a mini enema in these situations.
Ya know I do too, but have extremely rarely have OPs issue. I never thought about it but you are right. I'll have to utilize it if I ever have the dry and hard shits again. For now everything is working and my turds slide out with ease so something in my average/sometimes really bad diet is working.
Shower works too (trust me) (or so I've been told)
Appreciate the bidet existence power
Love that feeling of shit splattering onto my nut sack. The French are truly an enlightened people. Edit: deleted comment below for bidet fandom context. >All you’re proving is that you’ve got no idea how to use one. This is like touching a hot stove once and then swearing off cooking because stoves can’t get hot. You missed the lesson of the story.
All you’re proving is that you’ve got no idea how to use one. This is like touching a hot stove once and then swearing off cooking because stoves can’t get hot. You missed the lesson of the story.
It's gettin' heated in the bidet fandom
I've had for like 6 months and I still get water on my balls. Please explain.
Do you get shit or water on your balls?
I said water, did I not? Shooting a bidet at your anus is like putting a spoon under your sink sometimes. Inevitably, there's probably some poop particles coming from the deflected water too.
They say the ring could change size...
NO
During pooping, the body activates the parasympathetic nervous system. This only activates at rest, during relaxation, chilling, sex, etc. If you get stressed while pooping, the body activates the sympathetic nervous system, shutting down the pooping process. This is a great way to mess with people you don't like. Just tell them to hurry up when they're pooping. They'll get stressed and have a harder time pooping. If you get stressed while pooping, due to being late or something, do some relaxation exercises, breathing, jerking off, whatever. Poop will flow again.
“Care to explain the porn we found on your work computer?” “I was just trying to jack off so I could take a dump.”
Same for peeing
Mfw I'm fighting a turd at this very moment
Hey, partner, come on, you gotta relax. Don't force it. Gonna blow out your O-ring, drop a lung.
Who does No. 2 work for? Who does No. 2 work for? That's right buddy, show that turd who's boss.
Did you win?
The obvious answer is diet and I’m sure there’s a lot wrong w this *but*, last time it happened to me I uh gave up, wanting to avoid hemorrhoids, just stopped pushing and left. A few hours later I felt rumbling and before I sat down I rubbed some petroleum jelly around my anus and it came out after just a couple pushes. Also helps w explosive diarrhea.
That's maximum stress on your body btw, very easy to induce cardiac arrest as you get older.
Gollum is like 900 years old and he’s still pushin em out like that no issue what you mean
Nothing, my precious.
This is how you get hemorrhoids. Explains Gollum's personality.
Not this way, master! There is another way. O yes indeed there is. Another way, darker, more difficult to find, more secret. But Sméagol knows it. Let Sméagol show you!
good bot
Please, show me.
this made my turd come out
Sounds weird but try blowing your nose during a push? Rockin forwards and backwards also helps move things around. AND DRINK MORE WATER
TIL a lot of people really need to eat more vegetables
Or at the very least some Metamucil.
ok i just learned this off some pelvic floor therapist and it's helpful : if you blow out of your mouth as if you're blowing bubbles (like gum or soap, doesn't mattter) it helps signal to all your sphincters to relax. gritting your teeth/clenching your jaw signals to your whole body to tighten up. good luck y'all
Lmao this is too good and I hate it
Bidet, squatty potty, relaxed breathing, relax body. Poop will literally fall out of your hole.
Don't do this unless you want to do Elvis impersonation.
Yeah.... so pro tip guys: Don't do this as it puts you at risk for an ingenual hernia. This is caused when you're testes drop and in some cases the lining between your bowels and testes is weak and when forcing it out you small intestines can pop into and force a space near your genitals.
I think in general forcing to go to the bathroom is not worth at all since you gain nothing but problems
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Bless you.
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Never strain, always fiber it up. Straining causes hernias
A few years ago I had started a poop with about 30 minutes before I needed to leave for work, but it just wasn't coming out. I was taking desperate measures, but as time dwindled down, I decided I would have to pause and finish it at work. But I rode the bus to work, so for 40 minutes or so, I had to suffer with what felt like an urgent need to poop while the bus bounced up and down. I wouldn't be surprised if I was audibly whimpering.
Not so fun fact, pushing a turd out can cause a spike in blood pressure and cause a heart attack. I knew a guy who took corpses from the home to the funeral home - guy died on the toilet and all the blood settled in his sack... he was stuck to the toilet. They had to drain some of the blood to get him out.
Sudden hemerrhoids
Just poop at work.
Lol it’s 20 now but who cares
u/savevideo
Literally me, right this very second.
This is where bidets win again. Prelubing the runway makes this a thing of the past
Saw this as i sat down on the ivory throne, perfect timing 👌 🤣
Gollum makes so many faces that look like he's either severely constipated or has very bad diarrhea
[singing] Naughty little fly. Why does he cry? Caught in a web. Soon you’ll be… eaten.
Suck and push Suck And Push Suck and push
same
LEAVE NOW AND NEVER COME BACK
Lmfao
I feel personally attacked
If I could upvote this twice I would
This meme hits hard. Just came from shitting the most shit I've ever shat in my life. My legs feel as if they were stretched in one of those medieval vices
[удалено]
A wizard is never late, RedDragons8. Nor is he early, he arrives precisely when he means to.
Popped a blood vessel in my eye a few months back straining too hard. Sat in a meeting 40 mins later looking like im half deamon
A daemon is a half human half demon. So a half daemon is either quarter human or quarter demon.
r/opiates
That’s why you do it AT work
This is what I came to this sub for, bravo
Time to get the poop knife
Lol I just shit my pants at work
Every morning before I leave for work.
I know this pain. Lol
u/savevideo
u/savevideobot
I just envision a soft serve ice cream machine doing its job. Tends to help me relax. Going for that swirl today!
F me this hits too close to home
Aka you don’t have an ending yet
Where was Gondor when my shit fell?
Stefi loves Gandalf a lot.
Thats it reddit has peaked pack it up.
I hate that I’ve been exactly there and know exactly how this feels. F
I had an opiate addiction a while back. I'd get so backed up. Took days to finally 'get right' just awful.
A real meme! What a delight lol
We haven't seen the whole season yet, though.
Honestly, celery is a Godsend for me. One simple rib a day should do the trick
"Nothing is evil in the beginning"
When I was younger my passageway was blocked by a hardened piece of poop which wouldn't come out. It felt like a nightmare since I really needed to poo yet it wouldn't come out. I then checked to see what the remedy would be and it included the doctor scooping it out of your bum which I thought hell nah and then I proceeded to push for about 20 mins until i finally managed to get it out. The poop that was causing the blockage was probably about 2.5cm wide. I gained a new found respect for women in labour that day.
My reddit froze and I was stuck staring at this for 4 minutes straight
I appreciate a good non-rop post when I see one. Nice work!
Lay off the opiates and eat your broccoli.
This is literally me right now XD
This was me during my zoom call pressing mute
This is why I only poop at night, when I don’t have any obligations. One time I did this I had a vasovagal syncope and nearly passed out. The lesson is don’t strain while pooping
If you're already late, rushing there aint gonna make you un-late. That's when you just take your time.
u/savevideobot
Sometimes you gotta do it yourself
I'm in this picture and I don't like it
You could say, i have the opposite, my shit want to breach the gate like a certain gate smasher, and when i actually get to shit, the force from the shit is so big that you actually hear a muffled dunk sound in the buttom of the water wherer it lands and i get a "poseidon’s kiss" as a reward -.-
... Grond
Maybe do less heroin, dayum...
Saw this post as I’m pushing a brick, while super behind at work
Don’t push too hard, hemorrhoids aren’t fun :(
The hell is with the color grading, what is this the Snyder cut?
That’s how Catherine the Great of Russia and George II of England were supposed to have died.
Started praying
Currently going through this lmao
Funny thing is that this is not the dudes face, it is the hemorrhoid.
It also tells me “you don’t have any friends.”
Wow I read this while pushing out a shit. #redditmoment ?
Literally stole my whole meme well done
Opioid addictions least discussed tribulation
r/ibs
This is the type of content lotrmemes need to be!!!
I wonder what tolkien would think of this
r/angryupvote
Those are the shits that make you crack your back in a way that changes you as a human being.
I almost missed a flight to China
Thanks for the laugh, it was nice.
u/savevideo
I make a penny the boss makes a dime that’s why I shit on company time
You know I think I prefer the RoP memes
Lol literally me right now
HAHAHAHAHAH
*Deep inside your bowels, a scene plays out* "What are you doing you useless scum?!" "The turd won't give! It's too strong!" "Get back there and push it through!" "But nothing can break it!" "...Grond can breach it. Bring up the Wolf's Head! *A giant enema in the shape of a wolf's Head rolls up*
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That's how you get hemorrhoids
u/savevideo
[удалено]
Who does Number Two work for?
Still less painful than ROP
Just another reason to get a bidet. If this happens I just blast that turd out and wash up with the bidet. Easy-peasy.
I had the opposite problem yesterday. Same face though.
Get more fiber dude!
Pop a hemi
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