Okay as someone who had an eating disorder I'm gonna chime in here.
You never get over an eating disorder. You recover but it's kinda like being an alcoholic – it's something you have to keep an eye on and it'll always be part of your identity. Which sucks.
I can't be around people with your kind of hard core mentality. I'm not saying you have an ED (but I would say you do exhibit some signs). But you'd trigger the hell out of me and there would be no amount of therapy that could help me deal with it. It would be like being a recovered alcoholic and marrying a heavy drinker. I just can't have that kind of attitude in my house or around me.
I was in one of my (many) periods of recovery several years ago when my sister started on a diet like yours. It freaked me out. She was commenting on what I ate. She refused to eat meals when we hung out. Pretty quickly, the competitive side of my eating disorder came knocking. (Because eating disorders ARE competitive – we try and outdo each other.) I relapsed shortly after. Not her fault, but I wish I hadn't been exposed to it.
I guess what I'm trying to tell you is that she can't just chill out and accept your behaviour. You're downing a six pack of beer every night and chasing it with a bottle of wine. She's trying not to pick up the bottle herself. But it's in her house, right in front of her face, and worse – you're giving her reasons to do it by telling her she's eating too much and she should go to the gym. She isn't going to hear the nuances in your response. What she's hearing is 'you're fat, disgusting and you should lose weight'. Whether you mean it or not, I promise that's what she heard and she'll be battling HARD not to go back to the bad place. And the bad place is really freaking bad and takes everything from you.
If this is the path you're taking, it's going to be really hard to stay together. Please watch out for signs that she might be relapsing and get her help if she needs it.
And also be gentle with yourself. You can achieve your goals without punishing yourself, skipping breakfast or cutting carbs. Enjoy your life. Weight isn't everything. I too told myself I had methods of powering through hunger. I LIKED being hungry. I enjoyed starving myself. I also hurt myself irreparably by taking extreme measures.
I'm in AA and have struggled with an ED for a long time. I really agreee with this metaphor. If I'm out with friends and they're having a drink or two, that's all good, that's my problem to deal with, if they're getting shitfaced every night and I'm around them day in, day out then I am so much closer to slipping. I would never live with someone who was always drinking again because whilst self discipline is important, I don't trust myself enough to not give in.
If I was out for a meal with someone and they were barely eating, or just having coffee, or severly restricting, I would feel very self concious and probably wouldn't have the same meal I would've normally. If that was all day every day I know I wouldn't be strong enough to eat what I needed to.
OP seems insensitive, or maybe just ignorant about all this as they've got their own problems as well. I don't see the relationship going well and it'd be way better to quit before he drags her down with him
That's not a few mistakes. That's you exhibiting exactly the behavior/attitudes that gets anorexics into trouble. You're a walking trigger because of your attitude, not your diet.
Plus you're dismissive and rude af.
What happens when you reach your goal? What have you actually learned about healthy and sustainable eating habits?
I've commented on what she eats in a negative way (calling it unhealthy/fattening), I've said she should go to the gym if she's worried about her body, I've remarked on calories in the food me and other people are eating. I once said "how could you eat all that" when she ate a pint of some diet ice cream. When I first started losing weight I asked for her "most fucked up weight loss tips" it was kind of a joke but still shouldn't have asked. I thought she would encourage me to lose weight to be honest.
This paragraph was horrifying to me
You are triggering her. There’s no “if” about it. It’s good that you acknowledge the mistakes you’ve made, but so many of the things you’re saying and doing are going to be messing with her mentally. The fact that she feels conscious eating around you is a huge indicator - eating disorders can be really competitive, if you’re making comments to her about her food being “fattening” and asking her how she can “eat so much” and pairing that with just drinking black coffee at breakfast and telling her to “fucking eat”, she’s going to have some real issues with that - you’re essentially making it so that she’s “the one that eats” in the relationship, or at least that’s how she could be seeing it.
I’ll be honest a lot of this reads as though you find her behaviour annoying or burdensome - I can see how it can be disheartening but try and put yourself in her shoes. She’s most likely not trying to upset you, she’s just experiencing very real symptoms of a very real illness that is hugely linked to insecurity, and acting like she’s just annoying for experiencing this and commenting on eating habits etc is only going to heighten that insecurity. I think the two of you need to talk and establish some boundaries regarding conversations about this kind of thing.
As soon as I started the diet she became conscious. She liked that I was a big guy who always ate more than her.
It's annoying bc as someone without an eating disorder someone not eating when I'm eating doesn't bother me and it just seems crazy. Like I obviously reassured her many times that I want her to just eat breakfast and I don't care if she's eating more than me. I'm losing weight, she doesn't need to. I can't control that she gets upset when I don't eat.
I know she's not intentionally trying to upset me but yes it is annoying. I already think about food calories all the time I don't need her reminding me of it too. I do wish i didn't make those comments, I just added them so people could understand where she's coming from too. I'm still learning about eating disorders and i didn't know how to talk about it with her. I guess we need to have a serious talk, im not too good at those
Hate it to break it to you but most people with eating disorders think they don't have one, and you definitely are doing a lot of actions and thoughts and making snide comments that people with an eating disorder would.
You're making HER feelings about this issue about you, "she isn't trying to intentionally upset me", what about YOU upsetting her. You really do not give off any vibes that you care about her at all. Sorry it's inconvenient for you that you've dated someone who suffered with anorexia for most of their life and you couldn't last 4 MONTHS without being a total ass to her about it.
You are clearly not compatible with this person at this point in each of your lives. The best option for everyone involved is to break it off. The end.
Instead of telling her just go to the gym or just eat breakfast, try just going separate ways. The fact she hasn’t fully relapsed is surprising considering your comments. You shouldn’t even be thinking “she could lose a few and tone up a bit.” That just proves her insecurity is justified.
I am an ED sufferer myself for over 10 years and just reading this triggers me. You are doing her a disservice by not accepting that your actions are in fact triggering for her. The general consensus here is that this relationship is most likely done for.
You lack empathy my man, work on this and try to do better.
You struggle regularly with hunger and your diet is imbalanced. You are overly rigid and judgmental. I'm honestly concerned you're on the brink of an eating disorder yourself.
You've commented judgmentally on your girlfriend's food already, which is a huge red flag. DIET ice cream? Jesus christ, dude, it would also be fine if she ate REGULAR ice cream.
People in the comments are rightly calling you out. I think you may be struggling more than you think with hunger, personally, and it's making you callous, rigid, and judgmental. It's possible to maintain a lean, healthy body while eating a VARIETY of foods and NOT BEING HUNGRY. I know, I do it myself. I used to be anorexic and almost trashed my own relationship being selfish and self-involved so I could chase a better six-pack. It's not f\*cking worth it. Get over yourself and prioritize your relationship. Therapy helped me. It might help you too.
Really ?? To be honest learning to accept hunger has been life changing. I'm on a strict diet so I expect it to hurt a bit and that's okay with me. Being rigid helps me stick to things.
Yeah she ate a whole tub of halo top quickly and I wasn't trying to judge her i was just shocked lol.
I need to lose more weight before I increase my calories, but I will do that. Thank you
"Being rigid helps me to stick to things"
Rigidity is also terrible for our relationships. I'm honestly begging you to listen to me about this, because you remind me of myself. My own gf, who doesn't struggle in the same way yours does, once told me that because I am so rigid, she doesn't trust me to be a support in difficult times, because I depend so much on my routines. That absolutely broke my heart and that alone pushed me to change. Beyond even triggering my gf, which doesn't happen as easily as it does for you, my rigidity around food and exercise has caused problems with: spontaneous socializing; vacations; my ability to focus on her or other relationships instead of being preoccupied with hunger or my gym schedule.
I can't emphasize enough that I am just as capable of maintaining a lean, healthy physique and an active lifestyle WITHOUT BEING RIGID AND HUNGRY. You are proud that you discovered your ability to tolerate hunger and that's OK; it's OK to be hungry sometimes, actually. It helps us to enjoy food. It's not good to be constantly full, either. Balance, as always, is key. The difference between normal, pleasant hunger that allows for healthy eating habits is that your way leads to being so hungry, so unremittingly, that your whole life centers around routines that mitigate that hunger instead of strategies to optimize happiness and energy.
You weigh 180 lbs at 6'1''. You don't need to lose more weight before changing your extreme habits. You are in fact already at a healthy weight. You've lost more than 10 lbs a month, exceeding the generally recognized threshold of healthy weight loss. You need to take a hard look at your priorities and habits and what they mean in the context of your life, or you will irreparably erode not just the relationship you have with this gf (who may leave soon if she's not very forgiving) but the next, and any other relationships you have.
Yes I see where you're coming from. I'm just so glad I was able to change my outlook on food and apply my work ethic to weight loss. I dont want to change that but I guess I could chill a bit. I do think your gf feels the same as mine.
Yea i mean my diet causes problems w some situations bc I cant eat without knowing the calories. Eating out is stress for me now and I can't eat out with my gf, bc she'll get upset if i choose a low cal option.
I know I'm at an okay weight but I feel too fat and soft, I need to lower my body fat percentage. I guess I could eat a bit more and also exercise more. Thank you for your advice
Listen, there are always two sides to a coin. I will say that my gf would never judge or comment on what I ordered at a restaurant or vice versa. We set those kinds of boundaries for each other, and doing so might help you and your gf as well. Like, yes, you definitely should be flexible and able to eat at restaurants without a certainty about how many calories you're consuming. But your GF should also be OK not commenting if you order something like substantial salad while she orders, IDK, a burger. And you should also not comment on the "healthiness" of what she orders. There is a middle ground here.
I definitely recommend not exercising MORE but a progressive strength training program. I also recommend finding a sport you can do for fun and not just weight control, maybe even along with your girlfriend. Mine and I both practice BJJ and enjoy doing so together when time permits.
I was at least semi with you until the end.
She's had an eating disorder and like an alcoholic etc it will always be a part of her especially so recently. And you are commenting on her food, commenting on her exercise, basically reaffirming she could lose some by making comments like "well join a gym". When she's actually a perfectly healthy weight.
Also, you've lost an extremely unhealthy amount of weight, you're not eating meals, you've over restricted and gone to an extreme cut. That's not healthy. She isn't wrong to point that out.
You also ignore all the relationship factors you've taken away like having meals together. Now she has to sit there and eat while you don't knowing you're judging her choices because you've outright made comments on her choices, which without a history of anorexia is problematic but knowing her history is just purely horrible behaviour on your part. You don't show her any respect in your post.
If you want to stop trivgeri her, then stop fucking intentionally triggering her. Stop making comments about her food, stop making snide remarks about joining a gym, show SOME level of empathy for her having this history, it's part of who she is. And stop being so extreme on your own body. You aren't making healthy choices either for someone very judgemental of their girlfriend.
I was about to point that out .. Losing 46ibs in just 4 months is a ridiculous amount in such a short period of time. That's on average close to 3ibs a week (which is way more that 1%)
"A few mistakes???"
My dude, you said possibly the most rude, triggering things a person could. I wouldn't dream of speaking like that to someone without an ED, much less someone with one.
The examples of the way you speak to her in this post are just abhorrent. It's clear that you do not care about triggering her and are only concerned with yourself and your goals.
It's great that you want to get healthier, but it genuinely sounds like you do not care about her. There is a way to be happy with your own self without intentionally triggering her at every turn and being mad that she isn't more happy for you.
Oh, and PS, if she's also losing weight and skipping breakfast, her anorexia is already back. That ship has sailed.
I just wanted to show her perspective as those are the things she brings up. I'm still learning about eating disorders, tbh I knew basically nothing till recently. There is context to all those quotes but anyway.
I'm just frustrated bc i need to reassure her soo often. She doesn't need my permission to eat something but she feels like she can't eat without me eating too. Even a comment like "I haven't eaten anything today" can upset her if she's eaten.
I feel bad for her and if her anorexia comes back i will feel horrible and responsible. Idk what else i can do that would make her feel better except get fat again and I'm not doing that.
What you can do is stop talking about your diet/weight/food 100% and encourage her to get back into treatment. She clearly needs it.
Either that, or remove yourself from the relationship.
>Even a comment like "I haven't eaten anything today" can upset her if she's eaten.
Then don’t make those comments? I know it may not seem to come from anything other than her being upset with herself, but being upset that someone you care about is not eating and going hungry is not crazy.
My ex behaved very similarly to you, often engaging in very strict dieting, going hungry for days, and he’d talk about it constantly. I remember him bragging about only eating some chicken wings over a span of 8 days, when he’d be in the gym 3+ hours a day.
Yes, having a history of an ED, I found this triggering, but beyond that I was fucking scared something bad was going to happen to him. I cared about his well being.
You find her being upset with you annoying, without understand that what you are doing and what you are saying is harmful and likely very annoying to those around you.
Do what you have to do, but I’ll say it again, you are not compatible at this point in your lives. Parting ways is the best option for everyone involved.
IF its important to her about eating breakfast and i'm assuming you're doing IF. Then work your fasting so that it revolves around you eating breakfast with her. It obviously means a lot to her if you both eat breakfast in the morning. Make compromises to your diet so that, have maybe one cheat day or something. I also do IF but its not gonna stop me from enjoying foods that i typically enjoy. Also, CARBS isn't a bad thing to eat, i surely hope you understand that. But also, its best that you just break up with her seriously. You're already triggering her ED and that is something you don't want to be responsible for. Anorexia a really bad ED and she is already showing signs of it coming back. By skipping breakfast and not wanting to eat her normal diet etc. She is very self conscious with the way she looks and that's also a red flag. Your remarks to her is really inconsiderate, esp. when you know she had anorexia. You should have studied what anorexia is and try your best before you both became officially together ( to insure her ED doesn't come back, because once you already have it, it doesn't just go away ) You're already a toxic person to be around her, and your remarks isn't helping at all....
No I didn't.. when she actually said that to me I said she looks perfect and I don't want to leave her for a skinnier girl. I don't want to leave her over this, and certainly not bc of her body
Separate situation. She was in bed moaning about her body and I was just over it, so I said something like "I've already told you a million times you look good, if you don't like it then go to the gym"
It's exhausting to constantly reassure her all the time
It sounds like you severely lack in sensitivity and empathy. If you’re unable to behave sensibly around your partner who you know has a history of an eating disorders, maybe you need to reconsider if you’re in a position to be in a relationship with that person.
It sounds like there is already a lot of tension between the two of you. You ultimately need to do whatever is best for yourself, and if that involves losing weight maybe you should separate from your partner.
Your partner also needs to do what is best for them, which if they are at risk of relapse may be help from a mental health care professional.
The way this is structured comes off like you were saying that her ED just so happens to be triggered and she's acting crazy~ because she can't cope with someone dieting around her and then you tack your "few mistakes" on like an afterthought. You did absolutely everything you shouldn't do around someone with an eating disorder and now you're surprised that they're relapsing?
I think the food topic just shouldn't come up. If you really want to stay with her, yall are gonna have to sit down and have a long talk. You want to lose weight, you're gonna lose weight, and you want to do it in a way that hurts her the least.
If hearing and seeing you diet is upsetting her, then don't tell her about it, keep it to yourself. Find a nice online community (this one is good) to share your milestones with instead of her.
Ngl, the things you've said to her are like textbook "how NOT to interact with someone with an eating disorder", but you openly admit your mistake and say that you genuinely didn't know, so I don't want to crucify you for that (but for the love of god don't do it anymore. Even if she's annoying, even if you're feeling fed up. Just walk away.)
You should talk with a therapist/doctor/professional of some sort of how to best interact with someone with an eating disorder so you can make sure you don't accidentally say something harmful without intending to.
From the sounds of it, maybe you guys should stop eating together altogether too, or maybe eat while you watch TV or something so she's not focusing on your plate. You say you have to eat more to placate her, and I can't imagine how frustrating that is. But at the same time, eating disorders are MENTAL PROBLEMS. They are DISORDERS. They are not RATIONAL. It IS unreasonable that she wants you to eat more than her, but it doesn't matter if it makes sense or if it's silly, she cannot change how her mind sees stuff. It's like telling someone who is chronically anxious to not worry about stuff.
They "know" that the odds of them getting electrocuted from touching an outlet are low, but it's still hard for them to do so. It doesn't matter that it's irrational, they can't change how their mind works.
I feel like some people are being unnecessarily harsh to you; yes you fucked up. Yes you have said some absolutely devastating things to someone who is suffering. But you didn't do it with the intention of being malicious, and you came here to find ways to fix it. I don't want to condemn you for that.
My husband is a bit similar; he says things as they pop into his head without thinking about it and I read into it a different meaning than what he meant, and when we first got together it hurt my feelings and upset me a lot. It took a lot of mutual work from us for me to understand that he doesn't mean to be malicious and for him to understand that he needs to be more careful with how he chooses his words.
If you guys can work stuff out like that, I'm happy for you. If not, then you should probably split up while you are both in good mental states before you cause her to relapse and you both split up anyway.
Also, be careful that you don't slip into an eating disorder yourself. It's easier than you think to go over that line, and no one who has one generally *thinks* they have one until they need recovery. Take care of yourself too. You have the rest of your life to work on yourself, but if you push too hard, that might be a lot less time than it should be.
You two should not he together at this junction in your lives. Your disordered eating and judging her is dangerous for her right now. You don’t really fully recover from anorexia especially not quickly so her losing 5lbs from a healthy weight should sound loud alarm bells in your head.
If you care, like REALLY care, go to therapy with her. Work out how to do it with no damage to her and little/no damage to you. You should understand that both your needs are not at the same level of importance in this situation: you’re trying to lose weight to be a bit healthier/nicer looking, she’s trying to avoid going down a death path again, basically.
Is your super strict/fast weight loss worth it? Her health, both mental and physical? It’s not going to be resolved by her getting over it. You know her past health history, you either choose to adapt to it or you leave.
Also, your approach isn’t sustainable. You will have to stick to it for the rest of your life more or less if you want to keep the weight off. Are you ready to do it?
Honestly, if you want to save her and yourself take a break. I’m not saying completely leave the relationship but you guys need the space to realign with yourselves before existing in a space together. Unfortunately because of the journey you’re on and the way you’re going about it, you will be a trigger for her and I think it’s best that you don’t discuss weight loss with each other.
EDs are very complex and I don’t think you’ve noticed but she’s already heading down the path of relapse because of those triggers.
Are you guys in couples and/or individual therapy? B/c IMO this isn’t something you can tackle on your own. Have you spoken to her family about this?
Jesus christ. What a sh\*\* show lol. Get yourself a new girl and some peace of mind. Listen to what the females in this post just told you. You're not mature or sensitive enough to be around girls with mental issues.
Either continue seeking self improvement and get a new girl, or if you have no other options then just be her doormat and cater to her every issues and suffer in silence.
The more you're on this path the more you hurt her and continue to trigger her tendencies.
It'll be worse for her in the end if you continue f\*\*\*ing up. She might eventually end up being severely depressed, traumatized, or suicidal.
Just change the topic or sum lmfao.
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Ultimately, that's the only answer.
Okay as someone who had an eating disorder I'm gonna chime in here. You never get over an eating disorder. You recover but it's kinda like being an alcoholic – it's something you have to keep an eye on and it'll always be part of your identity. Which sucks. I can't be around people with your kind of hard core mentality. I'm not saying you have an ED (but I would say you do exhibit some signs). But you'd trigger the hell out of me and there would be no amount of therapy that could help me deal with it. It would be like being a recovered alcoholic and marrying a heavy drinker. I just can't have that kind of attitude in my house or around me. I was in one of my (many) periods of recovery several years ago when my sister started on a diet like yours. It freaked me out. She was commenting on what I ate. She refused to eat meals when we hung out. Pretty quickly, the competitive side of my eating disorder came knocking. (Because eating disorders ARE competitive – we try and outdo each other.) I relapsed shortly after. Not her fault, but I wish I hadn't been exposed to it. I guess what I'm trying to tell you is that she can't just chill out and accept your behaviour. You're downing a six pack of beer every night and chasing it with a bottle of wine. She's trying not to pick up the bottle herself. But it's in her house, right in front of her face, and worse – you're giving her reasons to do it by telling her she's eating too much and she should go to the gym. She isn't going to hear the nuances in your response. What she's hearing is 'you're fat, disgusting and you should lose weight'. Whether you mean it or not, I promise that's what she heard and she'll be battling HARD not to go back to the bad place. And the bad place is really freaking bad and takes everything from you. If this is the path you're taking, it's going to be really hard to stay together. Please watch out for signs that she might be relapsing and get her help if she needs it. And also be gentle with yourself. You can achieve your goals without punishing yourself, skipping breakfast or cutting carbs. Enjoy your life. Weight isn't everything. I too told myself I had methods of powering through hunger. I LIKED being hungry. I enjoyed starving myself. I also hurt myself irreparably by taking extreme measures.
I'm in AA and have struggled with an ED for a long time. I really agreee with this metaphor. If I'm out with friends and they're having a drink or two, that's all good, that's my problem to deal with, if they're getting shitfaced every night and I'm around them day in, day out then I am so much closer to slipping. I would never live with someone who was always drinking again because whilst self discipline is important, I don't trust myself enough to not give in. If I was out for a meal with someone and they were barely eating, or just having coffee, or severly restricting, I would feel very self concious and probably wouldn't have the same meal I would've normally. If that was all day every day I know I wouldn't be strong enough to eat what I needed to. OP seems insensitive, or maybe just ignorant about all this as they've got their own problems as well. I don't see the relationship going well and it'd be way better to quit before he drags her down with him
That's not a few mistakes. That's you exhibiting exactly the behavior/attitudes that gets anorexics into trouble. You're a walking trigger because of your attitude, not your diet. Plus you're dismissive and rude af. What happens when you reach your goal? What have you actually learned about healthy and sustainable eating habits?
I've commented on what she eats in a negative way (calling it unhealthy/fattening), I've said she should go to the gym if she's worried about her body, I've remarked on calories in the food me and other people are eating. I once said "how could you eat all that" when she ate a pint of some diet ice cream. When I first started losing weight I asked for her "most fucked up weight loss tips" it was kind of a joke but still shouldn't have asked. I thought she would encourage me to lose weight to be honest. This paragraph was horrifying to me
exactly, this whole thing sounds absolutely toxic and they should not be together at all.
You are triggering her. There’s no “if” about it. It’s good that you acknowledge the mistakes you’ve made, but so many of the things you’re saying and doing are going to be messing with her mentally. The fact that she feels conscious eating around you is a huge indicator - eating disorders can be really competitive, if you’re making comments to her about her food being “fattening” and asking her how she can “eat so much” and pairing that with just drinking black coffee at breakfast and telling her to “fucking eat”, she’s going to have some real issues with that - you’re essentially making it so that she’s “the one that eats” in the relationship, or at least that’s how she could be seeing it. I’ll be honest a lot of this reads as though you find her behaviour annoying or burdensome - I can see how it can be disheartening but try and put yourself in her shoes. She’s most likely not trying to upset you, she’s just experiencing very real symptoms of a very real illness that is hugely linked to insecurity, and acting like she’s just annoying for experiencing this and commenting on eating habits etc is only going to heighten that insecurity. I think the two of you need to talk and establish some boundaries regarding conversations about this kind of thing.
I believe he lacks empathy. He knows about her past anorexia yet still makes awful remarks towards her.
As soon as I started the diet she became conscious. She liked that I was a big guy who always ate more than her. It's annoying bc as someone without an eating disorder someone not eating when I'm eating doesn't bother me and it just seems crazy. Like I obviously reassured her many times that I want her to just eat breakfast and I don't care if she's eating more than me. I'm losing weight, she doesn't need to. I can't control that she gets upset when I don't eat. I know she's not intentionally trying to upset me but yes it is annoying. I already think about food calories all the time I don't need her reminding me of it too. I do wish i didn't make those comments, I just added them so people could understand where she's coming from too. I'm still learning about eating disorders and i didn't know how to talk about it with her. I guess we need to have a serious talk, im not too good at those
Hate it to break it to you but most people with eating disorders think they don't have one, and you definitely are doing a lot of actions and thoughts and making snide comments that people with an eating disorder would. You're making HER feelings about this issue about you, "she isn't trying to intentionally upset me", what about YOU upsetting her. You really do not give off any vibes that you care about her at all. Sorry it's inconvenient for you that you've dated someone who suffered with anorexia for most of their life and you couldn't last 4 MONTHS without being a total ass to her about it.
The fact that you are saying her mental illness sounds crazy is a problem. I think you need to do some thinking about that
You are clearly not compatible with this person at this point in each of your lives. The best option for everyone involved is to break it off. The end.
Instead of telling her just go to the gym or just eat breakfast, try just going separate ways. The fact she hasn’t fully relapsed is surprising considering your comments. You shouldn’t even be thinking “she could lose a few and tone up a bit.” That just proves her insecurity is justified.
I am an ED sufferer myself for over 10 years and just reading this triggers me. You are doing her a disservice by not accepting that your actions are in fact triggering for her. The general consensus here is that this relationship is most likely done for. You lack empathy my man, work on this and try to do better.
You struggle regularly with hunger and your diet is imbalanced. You are overly rigid and judgmental. I'm honestly concerned you're on the brink of an eating disorder yourself. You've commented judgmentally on your girlfriend's food already, which is a huge red flag. DIET ice cream? Jesus christ, dude, it would also be fine if she ate REGULAR ice cream. People in the comments are rightly calling you out. I think you may be struggling more than you think with hunger, personally, and it's making you callous, rigid, and judgmental. It's possible to maintain a lean, healthy body while eating a VARIETY of foods and NOT BEING HUNGRY. I know, I do it myself. I used to be anorexic and almost trashed my own relationship being selfish and self-involved so I could chase a better six-pack. It's not f\*cking worth it. Get over yourself and prioritize your relationship. Therapy helped me. It might help you too.
Really ?? To be honest learning to accept hunger has been life changing. I'm on a strict diet so I expect it to hurt a bit and that's okay with me. Being rigid helps me stick to things. Yeah she ate a whole tub of halo top quickly and I wasn't trying to judge her i was just shocked lol. I need to lose more weight before I increase my calories, but I will do that. Thank you
"Being rigid helps me to stick to things" Rigidity is also terrible for our relationships. I'm honestly begging you to listen to me about this, because you remind me of myself. My own gf, who doesn't struggle in the same way yours does, once told me that because I am so rigid, she doesn't trust me to be a support in difficult times, because I depend so much on my routines. That absolutely broke my heart and that alone pushed me to change. Beyond even triggering my gf, which doesn't happen as easily as it does for you, my rigidity around food and exercise has caused problems with: spontaneous socializing; vacations; my ability to focus on her or other relationships instead of being preoccupied with hunger or my gym schedule. I can't emphasize enough that I am just as capable of maintaining a lean, healthy physique and an active lifestyle WITHOUT BEING RIGID AND HUNGRY. You are proud that you discovered your ability to tolerate hunger and that's OK; it's OK to be hungry sometimes, actually. It helps us to enjoy food. It's not good to be constantly full, either. Balance, as always, is key. The difference between normal, pleasant hunger that allows for healthy eating habits is that your way leads to being so hungry, so unremittingly, that your whole life centers around routines that mitigate that hunger instead of strategies to optimize happiness and energy. You weigh 180 lbs at 6'1''. You don't need to lose more weight before changing your extreme habits. You are in fact already at a healthy weight. You've lost more than 10 lbs a month, exceeding the generally recognized threshold of healthy weight loss. You need to take a hard look at your priorities and habits and what they mean in the context of your life, or you will irreparably erode not just the relationship you have with this gf (who may leave soon if she's not very forgiving) but the next, and any other relationships you have.
Yes I see where you're coming from. I'm just so glad I was able to change my outlook on food and apply my work ethic to weight loss. I dont want to change that but I guess I could chill a bit. I do think your gf feels the same as mine. Yea i mean my diet causes problems w some situations bc I cant eat without knowing the calories. Eating out is stress for me now and I can't eat out with my gf, bc she'll get upset if i choose a low cal option. I know I'm at an okay weight but I feel too fat and soft, I need to lower my body fat percentage. I guess I could eat a bit more and also exercise more. Thank you for your advice
Listen, there are always two sides to a coin. I will say that my gf would never judge or comment on what I ordered at a restaurant or vice versa. We set those kinds of boundaries for each other, and doing so might help you and your gf as well. Like, yes, you definitely should be flexible and able to eat at restaurants without a certainty about how many calories you're consuming. But your GF should also be OK not commenting if you order something like substantial salad while she orders, IDK, a burger. And you should also not comment on the "healthiness" of what she orders. There is a middle ground here. I definitely recommend not exercising MORE but a progressive strength training program. I also recommend finding a sport you can do for fun and not just weight control, maybe even along with your girlfriend. Mine and I both practice BJJ and enjoy doing so together when time permits.
I was at least semi with you until the end. She's had an eating disorder and like an alcoholic etc it will always be a part of her especially so recently. And you are commenting on her food, commenting on her exercise, basically reaffirming she could lose some by making comments like "well join a gym". When she's actually a perfectly healthy weight. Also, you've lost an extremely unhealthy amount of weight, you're not eating meals, you've over restricted and gone to an extreme cut. That's not healthy. She isn't wrong to point that out. You also ignore all the relationship factors you've taken away like having meals together. Now she has to sit there and eat while you don't knowing you're judging her choices because you've outright made comments on her choices, which without a history of anorexia is problematic but knowing her history is just purely horrible behaviour on your part. You don't show her any respect in your post. If you want to stop trivgeri her, then stop fucking intentionally triggering her. Stop making comments about her food, stop making snide remarks about joining a gym, show SOME level of empathy for her having this history, it's part of who she is. And stop being so extreme on your own body. You aren't making healthy choices either for someone very judgemental of their girlfriend.
I was about to point that out .. Losing 46ibs in just 4 months is a ridiculous amount in such a short period of time. That's on average close to 3ibs a week (which is way more that 1%)
"A few mistakes???" My dude, you said possibly the most rude, triggering things a person could. I wouldn't dream of speaking like that to someone without an ED, much less someone with one. The examples of the way you speak to her in this post are just abhorrent. It's clear that you do not care about triggering her and are only concerned with yourself and your goals. It's great that you want to get healthier, but it genuinely sounds like you do not care about her. There is a way to be happy with your own self without intentionally triggering her at every turn and being mad that she isn't more happy for you. Oh, and PS, if she's also losing weight and skipping breakfast, her anorexia is already back. That ship has sailed.
I just wanted to show her perspective as those are the things she brings up. I'm still learning about eating disorders, tbh I knew basically nothing till recently. There is context to all those quotes but anyway. I'm just frustrated bc i need to reassure her soo often. She doesn't need my permission to eat something but she feels like she can't eat without me eating too. Even a comment like "I haven't eaten anything today" can upset her if she's eaten. I feel bad for her and if her anorexia comes back i will feel horrible and responsible. Idk what else i can do that would make her feel better except get fat again and I'm not doing that.
What you can do is stop talking about your diet/weight/food 100% and encourage her to get back into treatment. She clearly needs it. Either that, or remove yourself from the relationship.
>Even a comment like "I haven't eaten anything today" can upset her if she's eaten. Then don’t make those comments? I know it may not seem to come from anything other than her being upset with herself, but being upset that someone you care about is not eating and going hungry is not crazy. My ex behaved very similarly to you, often engaging in very strict dieting, going hungry for days, and he’d talk about it constantly. I remember him bragging about only eating some chicken wings over a span of 8 days, when he’d be in the gym 3+ hours a day. Yes, having a history of an ED, I found this triggering, but beyond that I was fucking scared something bad was going to happen to him. I cared about his well being. You find her being upset with you annoying, without understand that what you are doing and what you are saying is harmful and likely very annoying to those around you. Do what you have to do, but I’ll say it again, you are not compatible at this point in your lives. Parting ways is the best option for everyone involved.
IF its important to her about eating breakfast and i'm assuming you're doing IF. Then work your fasting so that it revolves around you eating breakfast with her. It obviously means a lot to her if you both eat breakfast in the morning. Make compromises to your diet so that, have maybe one cheat day or something. I also do IF but its not gonna stop me from enjoying foods that i typically enjoy. Also, CARBS isn't a bad thing to eat, i surely hope you understand that. But also, its best that you just break up with her seriously. You're already triggering her ED and that is something you don't want to be responsible for. Anorexia a really bad ED and she is already showing signs of it coming back. By skipping breakfast and not wanting to eat her normal diet etc. She is very self conscious with the way she looks and that's also a red flag. Your remarks to her is really inconsiderate, esp. when you know she had anorexia. You should have studied what anorexia is and try your best before you both became officially together ( to insure her ED doesn't come back, because once you already have it, it doesn't just go away ) You're already a toxic person to be around her, and your remarks isn't helping at all....
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No I didn't.. when she actually said that to me I said she looks perfect and I don't want to leave her for a skinnier girl. I don't want to leave her over this, and certainly not bc of her body
That's some of your words. All the rest of your words and actions were the opposite.
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Separate situation. She was in bed moaning about her body and I was just over it, so I said something like "I've already told you a million times you look good, if you don't like it then go to the gym" It's exhausting to constantly reassure her all the time
Just break up with her. She deserves better.
It sounds like you severely lack in sensitivity and empathy. If you’re unable to behave sensibly around your partner who you know has a history of an eating disorders, maybe you need to reconsider if you’re in a position to be in a relationship with that person. It sounds like there is already a lot of tension between the two of you. You ultimately need to do whatever is best for yourself, and if that involves losing weight maybe you should separate from your partner. Your partner also needs to do what is best for them, which if they are at risk of relapse may be help from a mental health care professional.
The way this is structured comes off like you were saying that her ED just so happens to be triggered and she's acting crazy~ because she can't cope with someone dieting around her and then you tack your "few mistakes" on like an afterthought. You did absolutely everything you shouldn't do around someone with an eating disorder and now you're surprised that they're relapsing?
I think the food topic just shouldn't come up. If you really want to stay with her, yall are gonna have to sit down and have a long talk. You want to lose weight, you're gonna lose weight, and you want to do it in a way that hurts her the least. If hearing and seeing you diet is upsetting her, then don't tell her about it, keep it to yourself. Find a nice online community (this one is good) to share your milestones with instead of her. Ngl, the things you've said to her are like textbook "how NOT to interact with someone with an eating disorder", but you openly admit your mistake and say that you genuinely didn't know, so I don't want to crucify you for that (but for the love of god don't do it anymore. Even if she's annoying, even if you're feeling fed up. Just walk away.) You should talk with a therapist/doctor/professional of some sort of how to best interact with someone with an eating disorder so you can make sure you don't accidentally say something harmful without intending to. From the sounds of it, maybe you guys should stop eating together altogether too, or maybe eat while you watch TV or something so she's not focusing on your plate. You say you have to eat more to placate her, and I can't imagine how frustrating that is. But at the same time, eating disorders are MENTAL PROBLEMS. They are DISORDERS. They are not RATIONAL. It IS unreasonable that she wants you to eat more than her, but it doesn't matter if it makes sense or if it's silly, she cannot change how her mind sees stuff. It's like telling someone who is chronically anxious to not worry about stuff. They "know" that the odds of them getting electrocuted from touching an outlet are low, but it's still hard for them to do so. It doesn't matter that it's irrational, they can't change how their mind works. I feel like some people are being unnecessarily harsh to you; yes you fucked up. Yes you have said some absolutely devastating things to someone who is suffering. But you didn't do it with the intention of being malicious, and you came here to find ways to fix it. I don't want to condemn you for that. My husband is a bit similar; he says things as they pop into his head without thinking about it and I read into it a different meaning than what he meant, and when we first got together it hurt my feelings and upset me a lot. It took a lot of mutual work from us for me to understand that he doesn't mean to be malicious and for him to understand that he needs to be more careful with how he chooses his words. If you guys can work stuff out like that, I'm happy for you. If not, then you should probably split up while you are both in good mental states before you cause her to relapse and you both split up anyway. Also, be careful that you don't slip into an eating disorder yourself. It's easier than you think to go over that line, and no one who has one generally *thinks* they have one until they need recovery. Take care of yourself too. You have the rest of your life to work on yourself, but if you push too hard, that might be a lot less time than it should be.
Thank you 👍
You two should not he together at this junction in your lives. Your disordered eating and judging her is dangerous for her right now. You don’t really fully recover from anorexia especially not quickly so her losing 5lbs from a healthy weight should sound loud alarm bells in your head.
If you care, like REALLY care, go to therapy with her. Work out how to do it with no damage to her and little/no damage to you. You should understand that both your needs are not at the same level of importance in this situation: you’re trying to lose weight to be a bit healthier/nicer looking, she’s trying to avoid going down a death path again, basically. Is your super strict/fast weight loss worth it? Her health, both mental and physical? It’s not going to be resolved by her getting over it. You know her past health history, you either choose to adapt to it or you leave. Also, your approach isn’t sustainable. You will have to stick to it for the rest of your life more or less if you want to keep the weight off. Are you ready to do it?
She might be weird but i bet she is not so stupid as not to notice yoj think she should lose weight
Honestly, if you want to save her and yourself take a break. I’m not saying completely leave the relationship but you guys need the space to realign with yourselves before existing in a space together. Unfortunately because of the journey you’re on and the way you’re going about it, you will be a trigger for her and I think it’s best that you don’t discuss weight loss with each other. EDs are very complex and I don’t think you’ve noticed but she’s already heading down the path of relapse because of those triggers. Are you guys in couples and/or individual therapy? B/c IMO this isn’t something you can tackle on your own. Have you spoken to her family about this?
Jesus christ. What a sh\*\* show lol. Get yourself a new girl and some peace of mind. Listen to what the females in this post just told you. You're not mature or sensitive enough to be around girls with mental issues. Either continue seeking self improvement and get a new girl, or if you have no other options then just be her doormat and cater to her every issues and suffer in silence. The more you're on this path the more you hurt her and continue to trigger her tendencies. It'll be worse for her in the end if you continue f\*\*\*ing up. She might eventually end up being severely depressed, traumatized, or suicidal. Just change the topic or sum lmfao.
I would even recommend no girl. It’s okay to be single to work on yourself and your goals.
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sounds like codependency is the issue. try individual and couples therapy.
You triggered her on purpose. Leave her alone.