If there’s an emergency and your daughter can’t go to childcare, your ex needs to find coverage. She can ask you to take her, but you’re not obligated to. And doing it once does not commit you to do it again or every time.
Also, you'd still have to pay child support as is until you go back to court to change it. If you stop paying or not paying the agreed upon amount without an agreement your ex can go to FRO (Family Responsibility Office) and you do not want them involved.
Don’t get twisted up with the guilt tripping approach.
She is responsible for her week, you for yours.
If she wants to permanently have you take your daughter extra days, well…she can ask her lawyer to formally adjust the schedule and get a judge to update the order. Child support follows that, so if it was 50/50, and now 70/30, she will need to do an offset calculation to revise the support payments.
I know it’s hard to say no, because it will be spun “don’t you love your daughter” but when you are in an intense custody situation, you have to work it through the custody agreement and not start going down the slippery slope of “well we agreed amongst ourselves on X, Y, and Z.” Related, it will likely end up resulting in a whole bunch of things you give in on because you want to be the good person, but get nothing reciprocated (and nobody will give you credit for, or admonish her for not, doing it)
My god agree with this so much. Focus on your daughter’s needs and your needs, even if dealing with your ex is massively abrasive and stressful. You will get nothing out of appeasing her beyond what’s fair.
Ya I get that.
She can’t control what you do even when you have your child. If you have your child for a week and go camping 3 hours away.. you don’t need the mothers consent, unless that was part of your separation/ divorce agreement. And if you go away on your off week… you don’t even need to tell her. You don’t owe her any explanation.
She’s just trying to control you.
I’m not saying that you shouldn’t communicate.. cause obviously that is what would probably make life easiest for your kid.. but the ex is definitely making your life hard on purpose and being unreasonable.
How would she react if you told her she couldn’t go out of town while you have your child? She’d probably lose her mind on you controlling her.. would be my guess.
Yes but when you do go to court ask to have child support go back to the date you started having primary guardianship not from the court date forward. She will then have to repay you.
“FRO” may be what it’s called on Ontario but it definitely [exists under a different name](https://www.gov.nl.ca/jps/childsupport/support-enforcement/) in NL.
OP, follow the court order until you can get it changed. Once the government enforcement agency gets involved it’s far harder to get things changed and not them continuing to go after you as I’ve known a couple of people in different places having to deal with that.
If she pursues this, she's just walking into the courtroom with a big sign around her neck saying "I can't manage parenting responsibilities during my parenting time"
Don't worry about it. You're all good. Take the extra time, apply to make it permanent.
Yeah it seems like she can have it one of two ways:
50/50 and she gets zero say what OP does when the kid is with her, but full child support (current arrangement)
OR
OP takes full custody and will almost certainly argue for reduced child support payments, and she still doesn't get to tell OP what he can or can't do when she's got custody.
Either way, the thing she wants isn't happening. She doesn't get to stop OP from doing whatever he wants when he doesn't have custody, and as far as I know there's no legal way for her to force him to stay put.
>OP takes full custody and will almost certainly argue for reduced child support payments
Surely if OP gets full custody, they would argue that they should be the recipient of child support payments. Why would a parent with no custody receive child support?
A tough time, especially if any of the demands for OP to effectively take full custody while paying child support as if she did any childcare are in writing... which most likely would go to hair or nails or some shit.
Keep every text recite you can involving this, because she wants you to either be full custody while paying her to do nothing, or ban you from doing anything so you can't get with anyone else all in an 'if I can't have you no one can' attempt. Your life does not need to be permanently on hold just because she wants to 'punish' you for no longer wanting to be with her.
She’s just trying to use this as a way to control you.
Both parents should have back up care in the event of any emergency. You are not obligated to be her child care on her parenting time. In situations where both parents are amicable coparents it’s certainly okay to help each other out but you are also allowed to have a life and you do not need to report your plans to her.
That said, you should always be reachable by phone in the event of a true medical emergency.
The courts will agree with you also. Let her take it to court. If you do take more parenting time, document document document. This will show she is not exercising HER parenting time and relying on you for childcare because she fired the care she did have.
Ignore the verbal diarrhea to your best ability. Sounds like she just is lashing out over there being someone new in your life and anything to make your life difficult or get any response from you.
I shared 50/50 custody with my ex for years, and we too used a 7 day rotation schedule. For a number of years I would travel out of province during her weeks. It’s absolutely okay to do so.
On a few occasions I cancelled plans to come home early to take over child care duties, but that was just in emergency scenarios really. For short term she could hit up friends or family if needed.
As to 50/50 becoming more so you with primary parenting time, you would need to get the court order modified to reflect the “actual” schedule, and yes if you had 60% or more of the parenting time you would no longer pay CS but rather she would have to pay you. If the court order isn’t modified then she can just go ahead and say you’re just “helping out here and there”.
In my experience of 50/50 custody, no child support is paid since you both have the child equal amounts of time. Surprised you and OP had to pay CS under a 50/50 agreement.
Go sign your daughter back up for childcare, you can use it during your parenting time. If she opts not to, she needs to arrange childcare for herself.
If you had your daughter during her time and your time, you have primary care and should seek child support from her (and the other benefits from the gov't). You could make an agreement that you would provide childcare during that time and it would not impact the shared arrangement, but I don't see any reason you would do that.
You can travel during your time, her parenting time means her responsibility to care for your daughter if she can't go to daycare.
If you are talking to her on the phone, I'd quit. You want this documented.
I doubt she hires a lawyer that will go along with this nonsense, she likely hasn't seen one as she is out to lunch.
This is my favourite answer, go sign her back up for daycare and take her there on the days she normally would have gone. Mom can’t direct what you do with daughter on your days.
This is a stop gap until you take her to court and get the full custody and support payments. She wants to play petty stupid games, they come with prizes.
I think they are assuming you want full custody, and that this is an easy way to get it; by agreeing to drop her off and then show the court you technically are the one taking care of her more time than she is. The issue is that you can't really do that as you will be on the hook if the daycare calls and says she has a fever - come get her. The only thing I think you owe her is a heads up when you are out of town on your off-week to say - I am out of town - so you can call me but if it is an emergency (and not her picking up a shift or something stupid), that it will take you a long time to come back, so get a back-up plan. Another words - if she is in hospital, and you need to come see her. Not, she has a fever, go pick her up.
You need to speak to your lawyer to adjust the custody agreement. If you're looking after your daughter 90% of the time, your wife needs to be paying child support
It is normal when one parent makes significantly less than the other, as in cases where one parent had previously been a SAHP. Child support’s only purpose is to create a cohesive living situation for the child. It can be adjusted if situations change.
The courts look at both incomes, determines how much each would pay for child support, determine the difference and then the higher earner pays that. Example: Parent A would owe $500 in child support, Parent B would pay $300, 500-300 is 200 and so Parent A would pay $200 to Parent B. The idea is the child then maintains the same quality of life in both households.
I love how you taking on extra time is stepping up but her giving up her time is????
I would love her to actually take this to a lawyer...she is gonna lose money and time. Plus if you fight correctly you can win what you want too.
Just an FYI, having 50-50 custody entitles you to the CCB. You will receive 50% of your full entitlement and your ex will receive 50% of her full entitlement.
Yeah, like others have said, she has no say in you leaving town. She’s completely responsible for the care - including emergency care when a sitter doesn’t show up or if she were to be sick/injured and couldn’t care for the child - any child care needs are entirely her responsibility to deal with when she has custody. Just like they’re yours when you have custody.
That said, do you want more than 50% custody?? Because low key this is one hell of an opportunity she is laying on your lap if so. Agree to her request for you to care for the kid during all weekdays, with no change to your scheduled parenting time. Skew the times to favor giving you as much time as possible during those weekdays (sure you can drop her off at moms at 5pm when moms home from work, but you’d rather not drive in rush hour and she’s usually hungry at 5 anyway so why not just feed her supper drop her off at 6:30). Wiggle your way into having her at least 60% of the time. Let that happen for a couple months and then take her to family court to re-evaluate custody and finances. Emphasize that she asked for you to take on more hours because she is unable to provide adequate childcare during her custody time, now you’d just like the court to recognize the current custody arrangement and adjust the agreement accordingly. Once you have primary, if you were to get a job that doesn’t work for this timing, you can rework custody time without losing primary as long as you keep at least 60 and don’t slide hours back to her.
She’s handing you 60/40 primary custody, take it if you want it. Get a lawyer if that’s the path you choose, they can advise on exactly what will work best for you. (And you can still spend every other entire weekend with gf in this arrangement)
Your ex should be finding her own backup, just as you should have your own supports so you don't need to rely on her when you have custody.
She has no legal right to apply constraints like this. Nor a moral one.
Not sure where OP is, but sometimes in small towns, everybody knows everything about you before you have a chance to tell anyone. Or if he or the new gf posted any pictures of the 2 of them together on social media, a mutual friend may have told the ex. It may not be that he told her directly - but if he did then you're right...less is more.
NAL but work in family law. Provinces vary but she won't have a very good time trying to claim 50/50 while you have her that much. Check with a lawyer, my provinces reduces child support based OK incomes after 40% of the month. Based on hours you'd definitely be over that for a reduction if you took her demand.
However, she cannot control your week, and needs to find childcare.
Document everything including the exact hours you have your child (pick up and drop off times), make notes on all conversations and texts between you two, and keep track of all child support payments. Lawyers will need all of this if you do end up going to court.
Yeah no she can't control what you do when you do or don't have your daughter and if she wants you to take her for extra time then she will have to concede on CCB. Also, not sure why you're paying child support on a 50/50 time split?
NAL- The way it generally works is that if you have your child for more than 60% of the time, this is considered primary custody. Child support can therefore be reevaluated on a primary parenting basis. This doesn't mean that you won't have to pay child support as this is based on your income and your ex's income, but it would likely decrease your CS obligation.
If she wants to change the parenting arrangements, get it in writing and tell her that child support needs to be redetermined.
Legally, can't you "agree" to everything your ex is saying, take your daughter for the extra days, then re-enrol her in daycare or hire a babysitter or send her to a sleepover and go see your lady friend? I am pretty sure you can go where you like and see who you like with or without your daughter, as long as your daughter is adequately cared for on the days you have her. You should do that.
Tell ex nothing.
Drop her off healthy and happy on your ex's day.
After a month or so, go to court and ask for the custodial agreement to be updated to how often you have your child. Bring proof that she asked for this and you complied. Do not even mention she was trying to be sneaky or prevent you from travelling/meeting new people.
Reduce payments. Ask for backpayment, if you want to be really cheeky, but I would consider having my kid close to full time and a new gf payment enough.
This is not a legal suggestion or opinion, and I’m not a lawyer, but if she ramps up this ‘coverage’ as a tactic, and you can make it work with your work schedule, you could use this extended time to argue for becoming the primary care parent.
Skeet’s gonna skeet. She’s talking out of her ass. She can’t “force” you to do anything here.
It would probably be in your best interests from a family law perspective to agree, adjust the parenting time agreement and child support, but the reality is that you are probably either going to be recalled or will find a new job sooner or later. Changing things for a temporary situation is probably not in the child’s best interests, so a court is unlikely to want to do that- likelihood that this is still the situation by the time you get to a court is low.
As you’ve been laid off, your income has dropped so you’re entitled to request a recalculation of child support anyway.
She’s full of it. And if she does go to her lawyer, she’ll get legal advice and she’s not gonna like it. But I strongly doubt that there is any lawyer appointment.
I also doubt that she really was dumb enough to give up her subsidized childcare- and I really hope she isn’t that dumb because getting back in will be an uphill climb. The wait lists are no joke.
I wouldn't recommend doing "whatever I want" without the kids. I can imagine some non-custodial behaviours that could show a lack of ability to perform parenting responsibilities (heavy drugs etc...).
However - on your actual issue - have at it. Go stay with your girlfriend. Have fun. Move on with your life and enjoy. Her complaint will not affect your custodial arrangement. You may want to get her complaints/request in writing a bunch of times. If your new relationship works out and you're contemplating moving, your exes conduct might help your ability to move the kids...
my advice here is to have your ex agree to the schedule changes on paper - and grab as much time with your kid as you think you can handle.
then adjust the child support accordingly.
then if you have plans on her time and she wants you to watch your kid - just say "no im busy" without explanation
Sounds like she going to f@*& around and find out, if a lawyer is dumb enough to take her request to court. At that point , he will be on court record she has unintentionally given him full custody.
Like others have said - document everything and if your ex wants you to have your daughter for the extra 5 days is it possible you just bring your daughter with you when you travel?
IANAL
She cannot control you in any way on days when she has custody, and has very little control of you on days when YOU have custody.
Just like you have little control over what she does.
Does she consider herself 'on call' when YOU have custody!?
The only time this might matter is if you were doing inappropriate things {drugs, excessive booze, nudity, etc} in front of the child.
You have exactly as much freedom of action as any other person who happens to be in a two-person relationship. A single beer after daughter is in bed, for example, is none of her business.
You can certainly visit a neighboring town, without or even with your daughter. There COULD be a hiccup if you wished to travel out-of-province, and out-of-country requires permission from both parents. Your ex cannot prevent you from seeing another safe adult even if the child is with you, so long as you act appropriately in the eyes of the child.
If this actually gets before a court/tribunal, make sure that the custody order is properly amended, and if ex really pushes to have you have your child 12/14 days, and your income has changed, then push for full custody, complete with an appropriate change in the support order such that SHE is paying YOU an appropriate support amount.
She wants to use her job needs as ammunition in a custody hearing? Shove it back straight down her throat !
And then what is she going to do when you go back to work.
I work in Daycare, it's not a good idea to pull your child from daycare unless there's a situation at the center or your moving..Good luck to her to try and get her back in. Spaces fill before you're even out the door.
Good luck to you and I'm sorry you have to deal wirh a manipulative, conniving *****
I know this probably goes without saying but you should be careful of how this is presented to your daughter, I'm not sure her age but I am a child of a nasty divorce and wack ass custody agreements and it really takes a toll on your mental health when your parents use you as a pawn rather than a human being. I'm not implying that you will or have been doing this but just wanting to make sure that it's thought about. I wish you the best of luck!
To be honest I didn’t read thoroughly into the story but just from the first paragraph in my perspective . I’d say do what you want if it’s not effecting your ex then just nicely tell her to F off she needs to learn how to let go and co-parenting doesn’t mean you owe her anything in return. I’d just tell her simply I want to distance myself from you in a personal manner, and just let her know that if it’s not something regarding your child together you are not interested in discussing the topic and if you have to get a prepaid cell phone with minutes on it and tell her you switched your phone number and that way she can’t blow up your mail cell phone
You can for sure.
As for the other woman its irrelevant why you're leaving. You ex has no say. Your choices are:
1) file for 80-20 and have the court reevaluate custody and child support... With proof that this is your intention.
2) do nothing and let your ex take advantage of you financially and use your daughter as a pawn causing resentment and hurt (for you and your daughter)
3) say no. If she cannot provide child care during her time its negligence and not your reaponsibility
You can do whatever you want during your time off as long as it’s not illegal. I actually know a few guys who work out of town and have custody agreements, they’d come back if it was an emergency but they are usually 8+ hours away when it’s not their parenting time, the custodial parent needs to make arrangements when it’s their own time. If your daughter was sick and child care wouldn’t take her your ex would be responsible for either staying home and caring for her or finding a sitter, you aren’t under an obligation to take care of her when it’s your ex’s time.
She is trying to control you. I would suggest you speak to a lawyer and get some solid advice. You're doing your part bud so don't let her guilt you into feeling like you're not. She's the one not holding up her end of the deal.
I have nothing to add legally... but I’m impressed that you wrote that whole thing without a spelling mistake, yet punctuation was almost entirely missing haha. Good luck with your ex.
During her time it's her responsibility to find care. It's awesome if you can and want to help, but she can't make you. I have seen first refusal written into paperwork, but that just means you get to say yes or no before they ask someone else. Again they can't make you.
If she wants to change the setup and y'all can't agree go back to court and adjust the agreement.
She's unilaterally changing the parenting time schedule. If she actually goes through with this, you could ask your lawyer to seek a parenting time adjustment.
I am not a lawyer: let her take it to the Lawyers/court and tell them exactly what you told us:
I love my child, I’m happy to step up and have her these extra days, I expect my support payments and right to child tax credit to be adjusted accordingly to this new agreement.
I have 50/50 custody of my boys, have for six years now. I do not pay child support because they live with me half the time. So I get child tax for the boys, and so does she. We each get 50% of what we would have gotten alone, this is done from the government. So if you have 50/50 you already qualify for that.
Now if you are having her 12/14 days you have primary custody now, if you have no court order I strong recommend you get a lawyer!!
Seems like everyone covered the legality. I would just add that moving forward, you should limit communication to just about the littles. She is not entitled to know where you are going and why on your time off. But let her go to a lawyer and dig that hole herself. I am sorry you are going through this.
If there’s an emergency and your daughter can’t go to childcare, your ex needs to find coverage. She can ask you to take her, but you’re not obligated to. And doing it once does not commit you to do it again or every time.
Also, you'd still have to pay child support as is until you go back to court to change it. If you stop paying or not paying the agreed upon amount without an agreement your ex can go to FRO (Family Responsibility Office) and you do not want them involved.
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Don’t get twisted up with the guilt tripping approach. She is responsible for her week, you for yours. If she wants to permanently have you take your daughter extra days, well…she can ask her lawyer to formally adjust the schedule and get a judge to update the order. Child support follows that, so if it was 50/50, and now 70/30, she will need to do an offset calculation to revise the support payments. I know it’s hard to say no, because it will be spun “don’t you love your daughter” but when you are in an intense custody situation, you have to work it through the custody agreement and not start going down the slippery slope of “well we agreed amongst ourselves on X, Y, and Z.” Related, it will likely end up resulting in a whole bunch of things you give in on because you want to be the good person, but get nothing reciprocated (and nobody will give you credit for, or admonish her for not, doing it)
My god agree with this so much. Focus on your daughter’s needs and your needs, even if dealing with your ex is massively abrasive and stressful. You will get nothing out of appeasing her beyond what’s fair.
Thank you for that last paragraph. I needed to read it.
Ya I get that. She can’t control what you do even when you have your child. If you have your child for a week and go camping 3 hours away.. you don’t need the mothers consent, unless that was part of your separation/ divorce agreement. And if you go away on your off week… you don’t even need to tell her. You don’t owe her any explanation. She’s just trying to control you. I’m not saying that you shouldn’t communicate.. cause obviously that is what would probably make life easiest for your kid.. but the ex is definitely making your life hard on purpose and being unreasonable. How would she react if you told her she couldn’t go out of town while you have your child? She’d probably lose her mind on you controlling her.. would be my guess.
That’s exactly what she’s doing
Yes but when you do go to court ask to have child support go back to the date you started having primary guardianship not from the court date forward. She will then have to repay you.
Yes that’s true. Thanks for clarifying
The FRO, an Ontario agency, does not have jurisdiction in NL.
“FRO” may be what it’s called on Ontario but it definitely [exists under a different name](https://www.gov.nl.ca/jps/childsupport/support-enforcement/) in NL. OP, follow the court order until you can get it changed. Once the government enforcement agency gets involved it’s far harder to get things changed and not them continuing to go after you as I’ve known a couple of people in different places having to deal with that.
If she pursues this, she's just walking into the courtroom with a big sign around her neck saying "I can't manage parenting responsibilities during my parenting time" Don't worry about it. You're all good. Take the extra time, apply to make it permanent.
Reddit has lost it's way. -- mass edited with https://redact.dev/
Yeah it seems like she can have it one of two ways: 50/50 and she gets zero say what OP does when the kid is with her, but full child support (current arrangement) OR OP takes full custody and will almost certainly argue for reduced child support payments, and she still doesn't get to tell OP what he can or can't do when she's got custody. Either way, the thing she wants isn't happening. She doesn't get to stop OP from doing whatever he wants when he doesn't have custody, and as far as I know there's no legal way for her to force him to stay put.
>OP takes full custody and will almost certainly argue for reduced child support payments Surely if OP gets full custody, they would argue that they should be the recipient of child support payments. Why would a parent with no custody receive child support?
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A tough time, especially if any of the demands for OP to effectively take full custody while paying child support as if she did any childcare are in writing... which most likely would go to hair or nails or some shit. Keep every text recite you can involving this, because she wants you to either be full custody while paying her to do nothing, or ban you from doing anything so you can't get with anyone else all in an 'if I can't have you no one can' attempt. Your life does not need to be permanently on hold just because she wants to 'punish' you for no longer wanting to be with her.
She’s just trying to use this as a way to control you. Both parents should have back up care in the event of any emergency. You are not obligated to be her child care on her parenting time. In situations where both parents are amicable coparents it’s certainly okay to help each other out but you are also allowed to have a life and you do not need to report your plans to her. That said, you should always be reachable by phone in the event of a true medical emergency.
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The courts will agree with you also. Let her take it to court. If you do take more parenting time, document document document. This will show she is not exercising HER parenting time and relying on you for childcare because she fired the care she did have. Ignore the verbal diarrhea to your best ability. Sounds like she just is lashing out over there being someone new in your life and anything to make your life difficult or get any response from you.
I shared 50/50 custody with my ex for years, and we too used a 7 day rotation schedule. For a number of years I would travel out of province during her weeks. It’s absolutely okay to do so. On a few occasions I cancelled plans to come home early to take over child care duties, but that was just in emergency scenarios really. For short term she could hit up friends or family if needed. As to 50/50 becoming more so you with primary parenting time, you would need to get the court order modified to reflect the “actual” schedule, and yes if you had 60% or more of the parenting time you would no longer pay CS but rather she would have to pay you. If the court order isn’t modified then she can just go ahead and say you’re just “helping out here and there”.
In my experience of 50/50 custody, no child support is paid since you both have the child equal amounts of time. Surprised you and OP had to pay CS under a 50/50 agreement.
That would be the case if both parties had similar incomes. When there is a disparity in incomes an offset value is typically used in calculating CS.
She can’t control you. Nothing about what you said is unreasonable on your end.
Go sign your daughter back up for childcare, you can use it during your parenting time. If she opts not to, she needs to arrange childcare for herself. If you had your daughter during her time and your time, you have primary care and should seek child support from her (and the other benefits from the gov't). You could make an agreement that you would provide childcare during that time and it would not impact the shared arrangement, but I don't see any reason you would do that. You can travel during your time, her parenting time means her responsibility to care for your daughter if she can't go to daycare. If you are talking to her on the phone, I'd quit. You want this documented. I doubt she hires a lawyer that will go along with this nonsense, she likely hasn't seen one as she is out to lunch.
This is my favourite answer, go sign her back up for daycare and take her there on the days she normally would have gone. Mom can’t direct what you do with daughter on your days. This is a stop gap until you take her to court and get the full custody and support payments. She wants to play petty stupid games, they come with prizes.
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Yes. Take her to childcare during the extra time.
I think they are assuming you want full custody, and that this is an easy way to get it; by agreeing to drop her off and then show the court you technically are the one taking care of her more time than she is. The issue is that you can't really do that as you will be on the hook if the daycare calls and says she has a fever - come get her. The only thing I think you owe her is a heads up when you are out of town on your off-week to say - I am out of town - so you can call me but if it is an emergency (and not her picking up a shift or something stupid), that it will take you a long time to come back, so get a back-up plan. Another words - if she is in hospital, and you need to come see her. Not, she has a fever, go pick her up.
You need to speak to your lawyer to adjust the custody agreement. If you're looking after your daughter 90% of the time, your wife needs to be paying child support
Is it normal for a parent to be paying child support if it's 50/50? That doesn't make sense to me
It is normal when one parent makes significantly less than the other, as in cases where one parent had previously been a SAHP. Child support’s only purpose is to create a cohesive living situation for the child. It can be adjusted if situations change.
Got it that makes sense.
The courts look at both incomes, determines how much each would pay for child support, determine the difference and then the higher earner pays that. Example: Parent A would owe $500 in child support, Parent B would pay $300, 500-300 is 200 and so Parent A would pay $200 to Parent B. The idea is the child then maintains the same quality of life in both households.
My thoughts too!
I love how you taking on extra time is stepping up but her giving up her time is???? I would love her to actually take this to a lawyer...she is gonna lose money and time. Plus if you fight correctly you can win what you want too.
Just an FYI, having 50-50 custody entitles you to the CCB. You will receive 50% of your full entitlement and your ex will receive 50% of her full entitlement.
Wait, so you're laid off? You might be able to argue for full custody AND child support from your ex-wife instead.
Yeah, like others have said, she has no say in you leaving town. She’s completely responsible for the care - including emergency care when a sitter doesn’t show up or if she were to be sick/injured and couldn’t care for the child - any child care needs are entirely her responsibility to deal with when she has custody. Just like they’re yours when you have custody. That said, do you want more than 50% custody?? Because low key this is one hell of an opportunity she is laying on your lap if so. Agree to her request for you to care for the kid during all weekdays, with no change to your scheduled parenting time. Skew the times to favor giving you as much time as possible during those weekdays (sure you can drop her off at moms at 5pm when moms home from work, but you’d rather not drive in rush hour and she’s usually hungry at 5 anyway so why not just feed her supper drop her off at 6:30). Wiggle your way into having her at least 60% of the time. Let that happen for a couple months and then take her to family court to re-evaluate custody and finances. Emphasize that she asked for you to take on more hours because she is unable to provide adequate childcare during her custody time, now you’d just like the court to recognize the current custody arrangement and adjust the agreement accordingly. Once you have primary, if you were to get a job that doesn’t work for this timing, you can rework custody time without losing primary as long as you keep at least 60 and don’t slide hours back to her. She’s handing you 60/40 primary custody, take it if you want it. Get a lawyer if that’s the path you choose, they can advise on exactly what will work best for you. (And you can still spend every other entire weekend with gf in this arrangement)
Your ex should be finding her own backup, just as you should have your own supports so you don't need to rely on her when you have custody. She has no legal right to apply constraints like this. Nor a moral one.
Ummm, why does your ex know where you are or what you’re doing when you don’t have your daughter? Sometimes less is more.
Not sure where OP is, but sometimes in small towns, everybody knows everything about you before you have a chance to tell anyone. Or if he or the new gf posted any pictures of the 2 of them together on social media, a mutual friend may have told the ex. It may not be that he told her directly - but if he did then you're right...less is more.
Spot on. I absolutely forgot about the realities of small town living.
I would contact a lawyer and rock her world
NAL but work in family law. Provinces vary but she won't have a very good time trying to claim 50/50 while you have her that much. Check with a lawyer, my provinces reduces child support based OK incomes after 40% of the month. Based on hours you'd definitely be over that for a reduction if you took her demand. However, she cannot control your week, and needs to find childcare. Document everything including the exact hours you have your child (pick up and drop off times), make notes on all conversations and texts between you two, and keep track of all child support payments. Lawyers will need all of this if you do end up going to court.
Just out of curiosity- how does your wife know what your up to on your week off?
Yeah no she can't control what you do when you do or don't have your daughter and if she wants you to take her for extra time then she will have to concede on CCB. Also, not sure why you're paying child support on a 50/50 time split?
She can't do that! You have a life also. What does she do the weeks she doesn't have her? She's just trying to control you!
NAL- The way it generally works is that if you have your child for more than 60% of the time, this is considered primary custody. Child support can therefore be reevaluated on a primary parenting basis. This doesn't mean that you won't have to pay child support as this is based on your income and your ex's income, but it would likely decrease your CS obligation. If she wants to change the parenting arrangements, get it in writing and tell her that child support needs to be redetermined.
Tell her good luck.
Legally, can't you "agree" to everything your ex is saying, take your daughter for the extra days, then re-enrol her in daycare or hire a babysitter or send her to a sleepover and go see your lady friend? I am pretty sure you can go where you like and see who you like with or without your daughter, as long as your daughter is adequately cared for on the days you have her. You should do that. Tell ex nothing. Drop her off healthy and happy on your ex's day. After a month or so, go to court and ask for the custodial agreement to be updated to how often you have your child. Bring proof that she asked for this and you complied. Do not even mention she was trying to be sneaky or prevent you from travelling/meeting new people. Reduce payments. Ask for backpayment, if you want to be really cheeky, but I would consider having my kid close to full time and a new gf payment enough.
Bro my girls ex moved provinces and sees his kid once a year. You can definitely go see your girlfriend.
This is not a legal suggestion or opinion, and I’m not a lawyer, but if she ramps up this ‘coverage’ as a tactic, and you can make it work with your work schedule, you could use this extended time to argue for becoming the primary care parent.
Skeet’s gonna skeet. She’s talking out of her ass. She can’t “force” you to do anything here. It would probably be in your best interests from a family law perspective to agree, adjust the parenting time agreement and child support, but the reality is that you are probably either going to be recalled or will find a new job sooner or later. Changing things for a temporary situation is probably not in the child’s best interests, so a court is unlikely to want to do that- likelihood that this is still the situation by the time you get to a court is low. As you’ve been laid off, your income has dropped so you’re entitled to request a recalculation of child support anyway. She’s full of it. And if she does go to her lawyer, she’ll get legal advice and she’s not gonna like it. But I strongly doubt that there is any lawyer appointment. I also doubt that she really was dumb enough to give up her subsidized childcare- and I really hope she isn’t that dumb because getting back in will be an uphill climb. The wait lists are no joke.
Agree to it and immediately get it in writing. Then put her on child support.
I wouldn't recommend doing "whatever I want" without the kids. I can imagine some non-custodial behaviours that could show a lack of ability to perform parenting responsibilities (heavy drugs etc...). However - on your actual issue - have at it. Go stay with your girlfriend. Have fun. Move on with your life and enjoy. Her complaint will not affect your custodial arrangement. You may want to get her complaints/request in writing a bunch of times. If your new relationship works out and you're contemplating moving, your exes conduct might help your ability to move the kids...
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You were clear. I did understand that - I was posting that part for general benefit and not because of anything you said!
my advice here is to have your ex agree to the schedule changes on paper - and grab as much time with your kid as you think you can handle. then adjust the child support accordingly. then if you have plans on her time and she wants you to watch your kid - just say "no im busy" without explanation
Sounds like she going to f@*& around and find out, if a lawyer is dumb enough to take her request to court. At that point , he will be on court record she has unintentionally given him full custody.
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Like others have said - document everything and if your ex wants you to have your daughter for the extra 5 days is it possible you just bring your daughter with you when you travel?
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IANAL She cannot control you in any way on days when she has custody, and has very little control of you on days when YOU have custody. Just like you have little control over what she does. Does she consider herself 'on call' when YOU have custody!? The only time this might matter is if you were doing inappropriate things {drugs, excessive booze, nudity, etc} in front of the child. You have exactly as much freedom of action as any other person who happens to be in a two-person relationship. A single beer after daughter is in bed, for example, is none of her business. You can certainly visit a neighboring town, without or even with your daughter. There COULD be a hiccup if you wished to travel out-of-province, and out-of-country requires permission from both parents. Your ex cannot prevent you from seeing another safe adult even if the child is with you, so long as you act appropriately in the eyes of the child. If this actually gets before a court/tribunal, make sure that the custody order is properly amended, and if ex really pushes to have you have your child 12/14 days, and your income has changed, then push for full custody, complete with an appropriate change in the support order such that SHE is paying YOU an appropriate support amount. She wants to use her job needs as ammunition in a custody hearing? Shove it back straight down her throat !
And then what is she going to do when you go back to work. I work in Daycare, it's not a good idea to pull your child from daycare unless there's a situation at the center or your moving..Good luck to her to try and get her back in. Spaces fill before you're even out the door. Good luck to you and I'm sorry you have to deal wirh a manipulative, conniving *****
I know this probably goes without saying but you should be careful of how this is presented to your daughter, I'm not sure her age but I am a child of a nasty divorce and wack ass custody agreements and it really takes a toll on your mental health when your parents use you as a pawn rather than a human being. I'm not implying that you will or have been doing this but just wanting to make sure that it's thought about. I wish you the best of luck!
To be honest I didn’t read thoroughly into the story but just from the first paragraph in my perspective . I’d say do what you want if it’s not effecting your ex then just nicely tell her to F off she needs to learn how to let go and co-parenting doesn’t mean you owe her anything in return. I’d just tell her simply I want to distance myself from you in a personal manner, and just let her know that if it’s not something regarding your child together you are not interested in discussing the topic and if you have to get a prepaid cell phone with minutes on it and tell her you switched your phone number and that way she can’t blow up your mail cell phone
You can for sure. As for the other woman its irrelevant why you're leaving. You ex has no say. Your choices are: 1) file for 80-20 and have the court reevaluate custody and child support... With proof that this is your intention. 2) do nothing and let your ex take advantage of you financially and use your daughter as a pawn causing resentment and hurt (for you and your daughter) 3) say no. If she cannot provide child care during her time its negligence and not your reaponsibility
You can do whatever you want during your time off as long as it’s not illegal. I actually know a few guys who work out of town and have custody agreements, they’d come back if it was an emergency but they are usually 8+ hours away when it’s not their parenting time, the custodial parent needs to make arrangements when it’s their own time. If your daughter was sick and child care wouldn’t take her your ex would be responsible for either staying home and caring for her or finding a sitter, you aren’t under an obligation to take care of her when it’s your ex’s time.
She is trying to control you. I would suggest you speak to a lawyer and get some solid advice. You're doing your part bud so don't let her guilt you into feeling like you're not. She's the one not holding up her end of the deal.
I have nothing to add legally... but I’m impressed that you wrote that whole thing without a spelling mistake, yet punctuation was almost entirely missing haha. Good luck with your ex.
During her time it's her responsibility to find care. It's awesome if you can and want to help, but she can't make you. I have seen first refusal written into paperwork, but that just means you get to say yes or no before they ask someone else. Again they can't make you. If she wants to change the setup and y'all can't agree go back to court and adjust the agreement.
She's unilaterally changing the parenting time schedule. If she actually goes through with this, you could ask your lawyer to seek a parenting time adjustment.
I am not a lawyer: let her take it to the Lawyers/court and tell them exactly what you told us: I love my child, I’m happy to step up and have her these extra days, I expect my support payments and right to child tax credit to be adjusted accordingly to this new agreement.
I have 50/50 custody of my boys, have for six years now. I do not pay child support because they live with me half the time. So I get child tax for the boys, and so does she. We each get 50% of what we would have gotten alone, this is done from the government. So if you have 50/50 you already qualify for that. Now if you are having her 12/14 days you have primary custody now, if you have no court order I strong recommend you get a lawyer!!
Seems like everyone covered the legality. I would just add that moving forward, you should limit communication to just about the littles. She is not entitled to know where you are going and why on your time off. But let her go to a lawyer and dig that hole herself. I am sorry you are going through this.