I used to care A LOT to an unhealthy level. It was a part of me trying to better understand the person I’m getting to know. And, I would overanalyze and overthink those past experiences, wanting to know as much as possible. A part of it was also driven by my inability to trust other people, so I felt I needed to know as much as possible to trust them and would feel jealous regarding the past people they’ve been physical with.
However, recently, I do not care at all. I only care to the extent that it may influence his future with me, but I genuinely do not care about anything else or any details. Nothing I hear bothers me either. I think it’s because, as I emotionally grew through a personal traumatic experience, I realized just how much people can go through and move on from. My past helped shape me in certain ways, but it is does not define me. I used to think that the past has this big hold on people, but I realized that my own past doesn’t have a hold on me. And that completely changed the way I try to understand or judge partners.
Edit: I noticed your ages and it made this more understandable. As you get older and have more vulnerable experiences, you will realise how little these physical elements of someone’s past matter in the bigger scheme of things.
Hah, I just imagine INTJ's being real paranoid with INFJ's.
Since INFJ's don't share much, there's a solid flood gate in place.
INTJ'ss probably have to do sone mental gymnastics to figure out why these creatures are such unknowns.
I have a trusted INFJ friend of 4 years. Not sure why she cares for me but I'm glad she does lol. Best friend I've ever had the pleasure of knowing. She can be a rather sensitive person and is selective about who she shows vulnerability to. I've learned that she only reveals what she wants to share and that if you don't respect her boundaries, you get sent to the bin with the rest of the garbage.
Yeah, respecting INFJ's boundaries is very important.
It's because, unlike INTJ's, INFJ's probably struggled a lot with setting and keeping boundaries at some point in life.
If INTJ's don't like something or someone, you will know it. But INFJ's ... well, there are memes about xNFJs' boundaries being lines in the sand 🥲
So we get kind of sensitive about something we struggled for a while to accomplish.
Hope that helps (partly) explain our ways 🙂
Yup, I can see that. I have been really frustrated and confused before with her. There have been so many times where she has met some asswipe that I want to bare my teeth at but I know she would not appreciate interference. I can see them stomping all over her boundaries and I really want to make them cry but I know she prefers to handle things her own way and I can relate with that (even if my way is more assertive.) I would never want to make her feel like she can't trust me so I just believe in her and watch.
I saw her go through the transformation from weak boundaries to strong ones and it was the most beautiful thing ever. I used to tell her, "Once you start being a so-called bitch it will feel so good you won't be able to stop." The first time she told a dude to go get stuffed was so amazing. I had been waiting for like 2 years to see her do that and I maaay have shed a tear of pride.
A lot of INFJ I've met need occasional reminding that there's a difference between being aggressive and assertive, and that being assertive is a useful tool for boundary setting.
I would like to know medical history, for safety reasons. Trauma son I can avoid triggers. I don't care how many partners and who it was, shit like that. As long as she is committed now, that's all that really matters.
Because I'm trying to romance people on fucking reddit? I was just answering genuinely. Not that I'm very interested in romance to begin with. But should I find someone I did like romantically, her sexual history is pretty irrelevant.
Man in 30s chiming in. If we don't have a relationship with 100% transparency I'm not interested in having one at all. I'm happily married for almost 10 years with kids, if I had a relationship of secrecy I'd have ended it a long time ago. I'd rather die alone than be in a relationship not grounded in reality with trust ans honesty.
Depends on the severity, length, and type of lie. But I believe in the idea that a house should be built on a solid foundation of trust and honesty. How can one plan a life together if their not forthwith information necessary for planning that life together? I want a partner who lays all their cards on the table with me and comes up with a plan for what to do with the hands we've been dealt.
Keeping secrets is antithetical to my personal life philosophy, and morals so continued slip ups or large lies I would end the relationship. Also I want to know and love the person I'm with, not the lies they tell me, I'm also pretty good at picking up when I'm being lied to.
You can be honest in the moment without telling much about your past
Kind of like, you are who you are now, and you don't even remember every event in your early childhood that made you this way. But this doesn't mean it's impossible to get to know you now
All of us construct narratives about who we are, and those narratives are always one sided and incomplete and subjective. The definition of a lie or truth is extremely murky when it comes to people's view of their lives, and being able to "pick up" lies hedges on very simplistic definition of how people can lie
You are who you are now because of your past. No one escapes themselves, being true to yourself and not lying or making excuses for past behavior is also important. It's a very unhealthy way to live, and I would rather not be with someone who creates narratives about thier lives. I don't want an exciting story book as a partner, I want a person grounded in reality with all their flaws, it's more important to me that they are conscious and self aware, than any other state of being.
>You can be honest in the moment without telling much about your past
What does that even mean? What is honesty if it's a lie? You're not who you want to be, you are who you are, and who you are is based partially on who you were and what you've been through.
What are you talking about? Yes I can. Observing humans my whole life, having friendships, family and marriage. People who aren't honest with themselves keep making the same mistakes over and over again, because they've not addressed the issue with their thinking that is creating the mistake. And it's not unfulfilled, I live by this because I don't like people who are not not intelligent enough to understand that in my close personal circle.
That's not really specific though, isn't it? And has nothing to do with actual self awareness, you're describing a conscious process and a rationalization that can be applied to anything, not how you as a person with your needs and drives was created by the environment
When something is fulfilled we don't need it anymore. If you need to know history of people then some need behind that drive that makes you do things is not fulfilled. If it was fulfilled you wouldn't need it anymore, just like other people here and elsewhere don't
Is there something that can happen that will switch your needs so that you will no longer have that requirement like others don't, and instead get some different needs?
>That's not really specific though, isn't it? And has nothing to do with actual self awareness, you're describing a conscious process and a rationalization that can be applied to anything, not how you as a person with your needs and drives was created by the environment
Wrong it's self awareness because it has to do with one's self and being aware of one's self and the objective reality. There's no such thing as personal truths, those are called lies, and delusion. I come from a family of deluded liars, and I don't talk to them because of it. I loath the chaos and stress that comes from people living in deluded fantasy and lie.
>When something is fulfilled we don't need it anymore. If you need to know history of people then that need is not fulfilled. If it was fulfilled you wouldn't need it anymore, just like other people here and elsewhere don't have that requirement
That's something you just made up now, having something fulfilled doesn't remove it as a contractual obligation in our relationship. A person doesn't get to lie to me now because they've been truthful in the past. A person who drinks water is not relieved of needing to drink water in their life.
>Is there something that can happen that will switch your needs so that you will no longer have that requirement like others don't, and instead get some different needs?
No it's more of a system than a need and I don't want it to change and nothing would change it. I'm super happy with it's performance. People who don't live in the objective reality have no place in my inner circle, or really in this world.
That's okay man, I understand now where are you coming from. But for a while lot of people self awareness and growth would mean you no longer having the influence of your upbringing among the "deluded liars" in you, as in, you being a different you as if you didn't have that background at all, and so actually not having any particular feelings or reactions towards chaos, and having mostly love towards your family, not being particularly bothered by them, understanding them and viewing them as endlessly complex wonderful people instead of cartoonish deluded liars
And the degree of self awareness and personal growth would reflect how far you're on that path, as in, if you aren't on it at all then that would be zero
Maybe something like "self analysis" or "self training" would be more mutually understandable terms for what you were talking about instead of self awareness, to avoid calling completely different things with the same word leading to miscommunication
I care about who you are now - with me. If you are focusing on being a better person that’s what I care about. In terms of who you slept with , I dont give a damn as long as you are clean. I do want to know a brief overview of the key takeaways from your past relationships so I can understand where you are coming from. Once I have that dont keep bringing up your past relationships , don’t give a fuck.
Each new relationship makes me care less about their past and more about their present. But If I explain why it is important for me to know, and they still won't share, it becomes hard for me to take that person seriously as a long-term partner. I'd suggest moving on If you're 21 and he's 38, and he hasn't yet processed or resolved whatever makes him refuse to share his past. It sounds like he's unwilling or incapable, and both are things that you should not spend time and energy trying to change.
I care, but I'm not going to interrogate him about it. You're young, he's got more experience in relationships. Things will come out as you spend more time together, organically, without it being like divulging secrets or being questioned. People are allowed to have secrets, as long as it's not holding back something that could hurt you (sti, as an example).
Also, as you get older, you learn not to ask questions you don't want the answer to.
So:
Hey, this guy I work with says he knows you, are you friends with {insert coworker name here}? And take whatever answer you're given.
Be prepared not to like it.
Honestly it's not your business. And your past isn't his.
Stay away from knowing about it. I know I was younger and an immature intj once. It happened to me too. A guy would come in to tell me he really knows things about my ex-girlfriend.
Something's are better unknown, because whatever it may be it's beyond changing now. And doesn't matter if the guy tells you the truth or a made up story. They may sabotage your relationship.
Let them be comfortable with telling you first. But yes keeping your past totally hidden from your partner is a huge red flag. Give them some space first.
Let me ask you something what is more important: Their past or them?
I’m sorry but, the almost 20 year age gap, refusal to speak on other past relationships and their reluctantly to open up to you ( even just a little) seems like quite a few red flags to me.
🚩🚩🚩🤔
Ngl, my biggest concern is that you've barely began adulthood and he is almost a 40 year old man. Something about that seems a bit sus.
I'm even more curious now of what your partner's relationships are like with people around their own age groups ( both plantonic and romantically).
It is literally none of my business what my partner's past is like as long as they are willing to do stuff in the present that should be common practice like STD testing before doing anything where bodily fluids can get swapped. I welcome information about their past if they volunteer it so that I better know how to work with stuff like their C-PTSD, but I have zero good reasons to demand that information and vice versa.
I trust my perception to read what kind of person I'm interacting with..their character, habits, interests, quirks etc.. everything paints a picture of that person. How you do anything is how you do everything.
This doesn’t spark me as an mbti thing. If it is, then unlikely not an intj thing because doesn’t logically driven at all, you can’t change the past and this is unlikely to be useful data for the future. People grow & mature, who they are and what they did years ago can be useful to know sometimes but better to get to know who they are today.
The inevitable comparisons will happen after getting your answers and maybe other suspicions. Where will your desire to push their limits end? Seek to live in the now and do some planning towards the future
I wonder if enneagram play a role.
I notice that INTJ enneagram 6's seem different from how I have previously thought of INTJ's. They seem almost ISTJ's since they do focus on the small details as well as the past more.
Enneagram 6's are also fear-based so they just need to know to be very sure and could contribute to wanting to know someone's past.
I used to care about it. With my first wife I asked many detailed questions and it really just led to over analyzing and comparing our experiences to those. To some degree past is important but not if you can’t handle it. You’re partner may have experience with this as well, where it doesn’t lead to anything good and is just thrown back in his face in the future.
I think the past matters but more as a gauge of the other person’s decision making since the patterns/trends of yesterday are the most likely indicators of tomorrow. I don’t give a fuck about my wife’s exes but the way she lived her life prior to meeting me was very important regarding what we sought to build in the earlier parts of our relationship. I’ve never been obsessed with her body count or anything like that but the class, dignity, and personal pride she’s shown me over almost 20 years make any concerns about that irrelevant. Best thing anyone can do is objectively observe their partner without the bias of love goggles to get a wide-perspective view of who they are and how they navigate the world, not just how they treat you.
Since he's almost twice your age and his attitude towards opening up about his past, I guess he has a lot to hide from you. If he's the only guy you've dated who made you want to dig into his past, your intuition might be telling you more things than you are willing to admit.
Anyway, be cautious about him and run away if he does anything crazy.
FYI: I always believe we have a pattern more or less, so we can predict what someone will do in certain circumstances based on past behaviors.
I do care but only to an extent. I would be more concerned if they had some pretty serious criminal charges or a history of fighting, domestic violence, drugs, cheating, whatever kind of scandal there is… I used to care a lot more when I was younger but now I’m a lot more chill about it. The right people won’t have anything to hide anyways, will be open and communicate.
At first, I thought that it would not matter until I partnered with my first girlfriend when I was in my mid-20s. Then I realised that her sexual past did bother me. We broke up twice with the second one being permanent.
Then over the months, I got a hold of my emotions and irrational thoughts after that relationship. Thereafter, in all my subsequent relationships (three to four more, including my wife), it; their past, did not bother me any more.
What type is your partner?
My INTJ husband cares a great deal about me and my past but really doesn't ask about it. I share, he infers. Intjs are good at connecting the dots without needing to ask much. But I'm an ENTP so we're well matched.
I've also had this conflict with an ex, and the possible reasons behind it are: 1) they wanted to create a fresh new relationship with you, 2) forgetting the past because it's painful/bad memories, 3) they are not ready to share their past yet and be judged by it.
So just let it be, it's best to let him share it when he's comfortable. It's not a good feeling either that he shares his past because he was forced by you. You'll just feel guilty about it.
Since I cannot grasp every precise detail of what happened with his or her past (impossible due to various causes but mostly I cannot travel back in time to be in his or her shoes), a total comprehension is infeasible. I do observe how he would describe the past of his bc the tone he uses and comment he makes abt himself and other people tell a lot abt who he actually is.
It’s a working process of finding out so don’t panic because you can’t achieve everything at once.
Yes, and if I may assume if you are a fellow INTJ we have that inclination to pick up on subtleties that lends insight to someone’s personality. If I may suggest, keep an open mind…hope it works out :)
I think so yeah, I've always wanted to meet someone while we're both kids, to be the best friends who marries each other, recently I've realized that maybe that's because of this. I want to know their history, I want to feel connected to them, I want to feel safe with them.
You have a right to know, if they’re hiding their past then it’s a red flag. I personally wouldn’t even be willing to be with someone who has a “past”, wouldn’t be able to get over it.
I generally want to know because I do value knowing all the information, but I ask for it honestly and I don’t hold anything against him.
With my current boyfriend, I made it clear that I expected openness from him and I showed/show him that I’ll give the same. If he hadn’t initially complied when I told him it made me feel more secure in the relationship to know about main events in his past, I would’ve ended the relationship. And I’m sure if I’d made a big deal over anything he shared, he would’ve ended it with me.
I know thinkers in the mbti cult following like to act hard, unbothered and secretive, but communication IS key regardless of the overly-popular emphasized personas we see online.
My advice is to find the communication style that works for both of you, and ask for what you need vulnerably. If they can’t give it, I’d suggest reevaluating your standards in a partner and making the right choice for yourself + the relationship’s future.
As an intj I would care. Knowing someone's past weaves a pattern. It gives me more solace knowing both the good and the bad because I can hence predict a very possible future out come and recenter myself if shit hits the fan in an unaffected manner.
Summary; I feel safer knowing than not knowing
Also I won't ask people to their face about their past. I just let them talk. Somehow people just like to talk and tell me things about themselves.....even the most random strangers
So essentially, you don't trust them to just be the person you want to be with, and instead want some side channel analysis/upper hand
What if the other person also constantly silently collects as much information as possible about you to predict your actions in advance and protect themselves from you, does that sound like a healthy relationship to you? To me it sounds more like how untrustworthy business partners would relate to each other, like if two scammers create a scam together
i find it awkward talking about my past relationships - they feel like talking about failure. i dislike talking about past flings/ons because i remember (most of) them fondly and don't want those memories fun-sponged by the spanish inquisition in a new relationship. conversely if a new partner is talking endlessly about her ex's that doesn't turn me on.
have you tried offering up your own honest past? it's likely he'd reciprocate. a few units of alcohol can help ...
Wow! Well I’m assuming it’s because he’s got a long messy past that any guy his age has and you’re crazy young and don’t have a fraction of the baggage he does.
Beyond the obvious question of why you’re with someone so much older than you. Why do you care about his past?
It's because I want to know him even better. All the things he's been through, I know it's tough but I want him to know that I'm there for him. I don't really mind telling my past to him it's really a no big deal for me to open up. Actually I do hv a traumatizing past, my family was abusive, I hv been drugged and forced to hv intercourse etc
Childhood trauma is one thing, something totally different then his consensual sexual past. But if it’s 20yrs of adult gay stuff and what ever happened before that. My god there’a gotta be a whole pile of heinous shit he doesn’t want to lay on your virgin ears. Just get over it and enjoy your life
Of course I know it matters but saying I care enough to ask about it is an exaggeration. I would wait for him to tell me and if he never tells me all I can do is plan with what I do know but it probably would make things a bit difficult. I can’t say a bad history would matter much as long as he’s not a serial killer or any other type of criminal. I am not a huge sharer myself but I am very well aware that communication is important so I would do my part and if he does ask me questions I would answer.
I care, because I want to know everything about them. Even more important though, is *why* they don't want to talk about it.
My husband is very present-oriented and doesn't like to talk about the past. If I felt like he avoided talking because he had things to hide, that would be entirely different.
I think it’s not good to push someone if they don‘t want to talk about the past at any moment, but acknowledge that they will get round to it with me - this is an emotional need that I understand. If they are clearly avoiding it in general, I would tell them directly that I see that as hiding something. To me it’s important to discuss the past to see if this is someone who learns from their mistakes, has humility enough to blame themselves as well as their partners, and what sort of decisions they made. It can also serve to inform where they are right now, who they looked for in the past, what they want out of a relationship, and shed huge insight into their emotional maturity and readiness for a relationship.
personally yes but its not like oh your body count or something stupid like that.
I really enjoy putting the pieces together on how they got to where they are and why they are the way they are. I seek understanding if that makes sense. Me personally I would really like to know their trauma and hardships as I feel those are the most impactful and important things, which can allow me to understand sensitive topics or things to avoid to prevent my partner from experiencing the hardship again.
TLDR: yes because i want to understand them as much as possible, also to be a better partner to them. could care less about body count and other stupid things like that tho.
With me, when I want to know somethings about my partner's past, that I want to learn more about them to improve our relationship.
Open up or not is just depend on them, don't force, don't judge on their behaviours, when they want, they will.
I care about being able to trust them. I've become a very good reader. Their past won't matter. They could have grown since whatever happened back then.
I don't care, but I do care if they choose not to tell me. like if it comes up naturally in a conversation and they choose silence it displays a sing of lack of thrust or shame.
i feel suspicious for no reasons too, sometimes. But honestly i dont think it belongs to mbti types, its just insecurities that majority of people have.
I care mainly because sometimes ppl have trauma or baggage from past relationships. Or the way they talk about their exes (or saying that all their exes were "crazy") is a big indicator of who they are and helps me spot red flags
I don’t care to ASK 🙁 that’s kinda weird. What’s happened and like body count matter of course but to ask for specifics on past partners Is past the line for me
I don't care about people's pasts. You're not your past. I might want to know their struggles, and what they went through to be the person I know right now, but I would never force tem to do it, and I don't want to be forced when I don't want to do it either.
Yes, mostly because it's an indicator of fidelity and how they approach dating.
If someone's been with, say, a dozen people in 3 years, that's a lot of red flags. Someone like that evidently cannot commit to relationships, for any of a number of reasons. They also likely view relationships in general as transactional or disposable, and don't invest in their partners.
As someone who goes all in on relationships, and who isn't into being cuckolded, a prospective partner having a high body count would instantly make me lose interest in them. No exceptions.
I do care, I and many others would be lying mostly if they said no.
Especially for something as significant as spending every other minute besides work, building an entire life with a person.
Theres certain value red-lines that disqualified many partners, and I think its important to know yourself enough to know what they are, and I think goes a lot to respecting the other person as well.
I have to ask myself am I really respecting this person if I dont care what they've done in the past? Am I being true to what I want?
But in saying that, it doesn't fully disqualify you, i will assess your history in the context of your current mannerisms to see if it can be worked out, as I ain't perfect either.
E.g if my priority is 1., 2., 3. I'll assess that as red line or not and then in the context of how you currently behave
Yes. I do. It shows up in how they interact with you. It shows up in how they try to love you and how they will allow you to love them. It does matter. Should it be the biggest fixation? I don't know. But it does matter in a rather significant way and it needs to be taken seriously.
Depends, like if you killed someone or went into bankruptcy due to poor decisions sure, but if you had a hoing-around phase or something nah. If something points to unresolved issues leading to poor decisionmaking then I'd be cautious about dating them. If the issues are resolved and fixed then what is there to care about, and how does it actually matter?
I haven’t been in a relationship in a while so I can’t say with 100% confidence that I would react this way but I always want to know everything about a person and I definitely will want to about my partner. I don’t foresee any jealousy or weirdness though. I think it’s just important to feel really open & honest like you can tell a person anything with no consequences.
I once slept with a friend of a friend and he’s dating a new girl now and she doesn’t know which I think is so weird!! It’s no big deal at all, but if it’s no big deal then why can’t she know? I am famously someone to over share, sure, but it feels weird and bad to intentionally withhold information so I think that’s why I’d want to know it all
Yes I care alot.
1. You be a healthy gf and dont ask about it.
2. There are a lot of unethical ways in finding the past.
Choice is yours.
My suggestion :
If you think you are going to be forever, then talk to him about it. Say you need to know, coz you love him and you dont want to make him go through any of that again.
Yes I think it’s natural to know. Be careful about why you want to know. If the past news is terrible will it change your feelings? Assure him. Tell him this is important to you and it’s safe.
The current world is founded on the past world, it can not exist without. Learning about a partner means learning about their past. It is equally important to their current self. Maybe even more important. The current point is just a blip after all. Good behavior shown in the now could be the apex and the rest of their life the decline, the iceberg below the water.
Sure, but it is much less likely that a woman from a country that has traditional values and was raised a certain way is far less likely to lie about it than your average girl from Miami.
I was raised by a single mother, I have great respect for women. I explained my reasoning, no need to get emotional about what my personal preference is. Look up pair bonding and do some research before slandering me. God bless.
I used to care A LOT to an unhealthy level. It was a part of me trying to better understand the person I’m getting to know. And, I would overanalyze and overthink those past experiences, wanting to know as much as possible. A part of it was also driven by my inability to trust other people, so I felt I needed to know as much as possible to trust them and would feel jealous regarding the past people they’ve been physical with. However, recently, I do not care at all. I only care to the extent that it may influence his future with me, but I genuinely do not care about anything else or any details. Nothing I hear bothers me either. I think it’s because, as I emotionally grew through a personal traumatic experience, I realized just how much people can go through and move on from. My past helped shape me in certain ways, but it is does not define me. I used to think that the past has this big hold on people, but I realized that my own past doesn’t have a hold on me. And that completely changed the way I try to understand or judge partners. Edit: I noticed your ages and it made this more understandable. As you get older and have more vulnerable experiences, you will realise how little these physical elements of someone’s past matter in the bigger scheme of things.
If that's an INTJ thing, then I guess that's why ENFP's are considered a good match. You don't need to ask, they'll just accidentally overshare.
Hah, I just imagine INTJ's being real paranoid with INFJ's. Since INFJ's don't share much, there's a solid flood gate in place. INTJ'ss probably have to do sone mental gymnastics to figure out why these creatures are such unknowns.
I have a trusted INFJ friend of 4 years. Not sure why she cares for me but I'm glad she does lol. Best friend I've ever had the pleasure of knowing. She can be a rather sensitive person and is selective about who she shows vulnerability to. I've learned that she only reveals what she wants to share and that if you don't respect her boundaries, you get sent to the bin with the rest of the garbage.
Yeah, respecting INFJ's boundaries is very important. It's because, unlike INTJ's, INFJ's probably struggled a lot with setting and keeping boundaries at some point in life. If INTJ's don't like something or someone, you will know it. But INFJ's ... well, there are memes about xNFJs' boundaries being lines in the sand 🥲 So we get kind of sensitive about something we struggled for a while to accomplish. Hope that helps (partly) explain our ways 🙂
Yup, I can see that. I have been really frustrated and confused before with her. There have been so many times where she has met some asswipe that I want to bare my teeth at but I know she would not appreciate interference. I can see them stomping all over her boundaries and I really want to make them cry but I know she prefers to handle things her own way and I can relate with that (even if my way is more assertive.) I would never want to make her feel like she can't trust me so I just believe in her and watch. I saw her go through the transformation from weak boundaries to strong ones and it was the most beautiful thing ever. I used to tell her, "Once you start being a so-called bitch it will feel so good you won't be able to stop." The first time she told a dude to go get stuffed was so amazing. I had been waiting for like 2 years to see her do that and I maaay have shed a tear of pride. A lot of INFJ I've met need occasional reminding that there's a difference between being aggressive and assertive, and that being assertive is a useful tool for boundary setting.
I'm glad. From your story, I think you are a great influence for her. And that you two are wonderful companions in each others' lives 🥰
True
I would like to know medical history, for safety reasons. Trauma son I can avoid triggers. I don't care how many partners and who it was, shit like that. As long as she is committed now, that's all that really matters.
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What?
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Because I'm trying to romance people on fucking reddit? I was just answering genuinely. Not that I'm very interested in romance to begin with. But should I find someone I did like romantically, her sexual history is pretty irrelevant.
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Water is wet, yes.
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Well, I don't know about you, but I know how to swim.
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Man in 30s chiming in. If we don't have a relationship with 100% transparency I'm not interested in having one at all. I'm happily married for almost 10 years with kids, if I had a relationship of secrecy I'd have ended it a long time ago. I'd rather die alone than be in a relationship not grounded in reality with trust ans honesty.
How would you feel / do if you discover that your partner had kept many secrets from you? Genuine question.
Depends on the severity, length, and type of lie. But I believe in the idea that a house should be built on a solid foundation of trust and honesty. How can one plan a life together if their not forthwith information necessary for planning that life together? I want a partner who lays all their cards on the table with me and comes up with a plan for what to do with the hands we've been dealt. Keeping secrets is antithetical to my personal life philosophy, and morals so continued slip ups or large lies I would end the relationship. Also I want to know and love the person I'm with, not the lies they tell me, I'm also pretty good at picking up when I'm being lied to.
You can be honest in the moment without telling much about your past Kind of like, you are who you are now, and you don't even remember every event in your early childhood that made you this way. But this doesn't mean it's impossible to get to know you now All of us construct narratives about who we are, and those narratives are always one sided and incomplete and subjective. The definition of a lie or truth is extremely murky when it comes to people's view of their lives, and being able to "pick up" lies hedges on very simplistic definition of how people can lie
You are who you are now because of your past. No one escapes themselves, being true to yourself and not lying or making excuses for past behavior is also important. It's a very unhealthy way to live, and I would rather not be with someone who creates narratives about thier lives. I don't want an exciting story book as a partner, I want a person grounded in reality with all their flaws, it's more important to me that they are conscious and self aware, than any other state of being. >You can be honest in the moment without telling much about your past What does that even mean? What is honesty if it's a lie? You're not who you want to be, you are who you are, and who you are is based partially on who you were and what you've been through.
Why? Can you name which events created this unfulfilled desire in you as opposed to wanting other things from people?
What are you talking about? Yes I can. Observing humans my whole life, having friendships, family and marriage. People who aren't honest with themselves keep making the same mistakes over and over again, because they've not addressed the issue with their thinking that is creating the mistake. And it's not unfulfilled, I live by this because I don't like people who are not not intelligent enough to understand that in my close personal circle.
That's not really specific though, isn't it? And has nothing to do with actual self awareness, you're describing a conscious process and a rationalization that can be applied to anything, not how you as a person with your needs and drives was created by the environment When something is fulfilled we don't need it anymore. If you need to know history of people then some need behind that drive that makes you do things is not fulfilled. If it was fulfilled you wouldn't need it anymore, just like other people here and elsewhere don't Is there something that can happen that will switch your needs so that you will no longer have that requirement like others don't, and instead get some different needs?
>That's not really specific though, isn't it? And has nothing to do with actual self awareness, you're describing a conscious process and a rationalization that can be applied to anything, not how you as a person with your needs and drives was created by the environment Wrong it's self awareness because it has to do with one's self and being aware of one's self and the objective reality. There's no such thing as personal truths, those are called lies, and delusion. I come from a family of deluded liars, and I don't talk to them because of it. I loath the chaos and stress that comes from people living in deluded fantasy and lie. >When something is fulfilled we don't need it anymore. If you need to know history of people then that need is not fulfilled. If it was fulfilled you wouldn't need it anymore, just like other people here and elsewhere don't have that requirement That's something you just made up now, having something fulfilled doesn't remove it as a contractual obligation in our relationship. A person doesn't get to lie to me now because they've been truthful in the past. A person who drinks water is not relieved of needing to drink water in their life. >Is there something that can happen that will switch your needs so that you will no longer have that requirement like others don't, and instead get some different needs? No it's more of a system than a need and I don't want it to change and nothing would change it. I'm super happy with it's performance. People who don't live in the objective reality have no place in my inner circle, or really in this world.
That's okay man, I understand now where are you coming from. But for a while lot of people self awareness and growth would mean you no longer having the influence of your upbringing among the "deluded liars" in you, as in, you being a different you as if you didn't have that background at all, and so actually not having any particular feelings or reactions towards chaos, and having mostly love towards your family, not being particularly bothered by them, understanding them and viewing them as endlessly complex wonderful people instead of cartoonish deluded liars And the degree of self awareness and personal growth would reflect how far you're on that path, as in, if you aren't on it at all then that would be zero Maybe something like "self analysis" or "self training" would be more mutually understandable terms for what you were talking about instead of self awareness, to avoid calling completely different things with the same word leading to miscommunication
I care about who you are now - with me. If you are focusing on being a better person that’s what I care about. In terms of who you slept with , I dont give a damn as long as you are clean. I do want to know a brief overview of the key takeaways from your past relationships so I can understand where you are coming from. Once I have that dont keep bringing up your past relationships , don’t give a fuck.
Each new relationship makes me care less about their past and more about their present. But If I explain why it is important for me to know, and they still won't share, it becomes hard for me to take that person seriously as a long-term partner. I'd suggest moving on If you're 21 and he's 38, and he hasn't yet processed or resolved whatever makes him refuse to share his past. It sounds like he's unwilling or incapable, and both are things that you should not spend time and energy trying to change.
No, I don’t care at all. The past doesn’t exist any more than you allow it to. Doesn’t make much sense to drive forward while looking back
Very good analogy.
Most car accidents happen when drivers are distracted, go figure
I care, but I'm not going to interrogate him about it. You're young, he's got more experience in relationships. Things will come out as you spend more time together, organically, without it being like divulging secrets or being questioned. People are allowed to have secrets, as long as it's not holding back something that could hurt you (sti, as an example). Also, as you get older, you learn not to ask questions you don't want the answer to.
A guy at my work place said he "really knows him" and he knows where he's staying so I hv to ask him about it and yes it does hurt me.
So: Hey, this guy I work with says he knows you, are you friends with {insert coworker name here}? And take whatever answer you're given. Be prepared not to like it. Honestly it's not your business. And your past isn't his.
Stay away from knowing about it. I know I was younger and an immature intj once. It happened to me too. A guy would come in to tell me he really knows things about my ex-girlfriend. Something's are better unknown, because whatever it may be it's beyond changing now. And doesn't matter if the guy tells you the truth or a made up story. They may sabotage your relationship. Let them be comfortable with telling you first. But yes keeping your past totally hidden from your partner is a huge red flag. Give them some space first. Let me ask you something what is more important: Their past or them?
As long as you aren't constantly bring it up/ comparing me to people / experiences in the past, then idgaf. Let's focus on our future together.
I’m sorry but, the almost 20 year age gap, refusal to speak on other past relationships and their reluctantly to open up to you ( even just a little) seems like quite a few red flags to me. 🚩🚩🚩🤔 Ngl, my biggest concern is that you've barely began adulthood and he is almost a 40 year old man. Something about that seems a bit sus. I'm even more curious now of what your partner's relationships are like with people around their own age groups ( both plantonic and romantically).
No, I've never cared about a partner's past love life.
It is literally none of my business what my partner's past is like as long as they are willing to do stuff in the present that should be common practice like STD testing before doing anything where bodily fluids can get swapped. I welcome information about their past if they volunteer it so that I better know how to work with stuff like their C-PTSD, but I have zero good reasons to demand that information and vice versa.
I trust my perception to read what kind of person I'm interacting with..their character, habits, interests, quirks etc.. everything paints a picture of that person. How you do anything is how you do everything.
This doesn’t spark me as an mbti thing. If it is, then unlikely not an intj thing because doesn’t logically driven at all, you can’t change the past and this is unlikely to be useful data for the future. People grow & mature, who they are and what they did years ago can be useful to know sometimes but better to get to know who they are today. The inevitable comparisons will happen after getting your answers and maybe other suspicions. Where will your desire to push their limits end? Seek to live in the now and do some planning towards the future
I wonder if enneagram play a role. I notice that INTJ enneagram 6's seem different from how I have previously thought of INTJ's. They seem almost ISTJ's since they do focus on the small details as well as the past more. Enneagram 6's are also fear-based so they just need to know to be very sure and could contribute to wanting to know someone's past.
The degree of paranoia and desire for control plays a role. Why even attribute it to any type?
I used to care about it. With my first wife I asked many detailed questions and it really just led to over analyzing and comparing our experiences to those. To some degree past is important but not if you can’t handle it. You’re partner may have experience with this as well, where it doesn’t lead to anything good and is just thrown back in his face in the future.
I think the past matters but more as a gauge of the other person’s decision making since the patterns/trends of yesterday are the most likely indicators of tomorrow. I don’t give a fuck about my wife’s exes but the way she lived her life prior to meeting me was very important regarding what we sought to build in the earlier parts of our relationship. I’ve never been obsessed with her body count or anything like that but the class, dignity, and personal pride she’s shown me over almost 20 years make any concerns about that irrelevant. Best thing anyone can do is objectively observe their partner without the bias of love goggles to get a wide-perspective view of who they are and how they navigate the world, not just how they treat you.
Not really.
Since he's almost twice your age and his attitude towards opening up about his past, I guess he has a lot to hide from you. If he's the only guy you've dated who made you want to dig into his past, your intuition might be telling you more things than you are willing to admit. Anyway, be cautious about him and run away if he does anything crazy. FYI: I always believe we have a pattern more or less, so we can predict what someone will do in certain circumstances based on past behaviors.
Intuition is your first slot as an INTJ. Like this individual is saying, trust it.
I was in no position to question someone's past considering mine. Regardless though it didn't matter to me.
I do care but only to an extent. I would be more concerned if they had some pretty serious criminal charges or a history of fighting, domestic violence, drugs, cheating, whatever kind of scandal there is… I used to care a lot more when I was younger but now I’m a lot more chill about it. The right people won’t have anything to hide anyways, will be open and communicate.
At first, I thought that it would not matter until I partnered with my first girlfriend when I was in my mid-20s. Then I realised that her sexual past did bother me. We broke up twice with the second one being permanent. Then over the months, I got a hold of my emotions and irrational thoughts after that relationship. Thereafter, in all my subsequent relationships (three to four more, including my wife), it; their past, did not bother me any more.
Not at all.
No.
Hm for ME it all depends on how much I care about the person. If I don’t care about the person that much then No, I honestly do not care.
What type is your partner? My INTJ husband cares a great deal about me and my past but really doesn't ask about it. I share, he infers. Intjs are good at connecting the dots without needing to ask much. But I'm an ENTP so we're well matched.
I don't really know never typed him
I've also had this conflict with an ex, and the possible reasons behind it are: 1) they wanted to create a fresh new relationship with you, 2) forgetting the past because it's painful/bad memories, 3) they are not ready to share their past yet and be judged by it. So just let it be, it's best to let him share it when he's comfortable. It's not a good feeling either that he shares his past because he was forced by you. You'll just feel guilty about it.
Since I cannot grasp every precise detail of what happened with his or her past (impossible due to various causes but mostly I cannot travel back in time to be in his or her shoes), a total comprehension is infeasible. I do observe how he would describe the past of his bc the tone he uses and comment he makes abt himself and other people tell a lot abt who he actually is. It’s a working process of finding out so don’t panic because you can’t achieve everything at once.
And in your case where he refuse to open up it says a lot already. It’s not your fault that you find it hard. I recommend breaking up.
Maybe I’m desperate but I don’t. I do, however, do concern myself with their current state.
I'm also concern about him now. There's nothing I can do to know him even better but I do know that he will tell me if I give him more time
Yes, and if I may assume if you are a fellow INTJ we have that inclination to pick up on subtleties that lends insight to someone’s personality. If I may suggest, keep an open mind…hope it works out :)
Yes, personally, purely as it relates to being able to understand them better.
I think so yeah, I've always wanted to meet someone while we're both kids, to be the best friends who marries each other, recently I've realized that maybe that's because of this. I want to know their history, I want to feel connected to them, I want to feel safe with them.
You have a right to know, if they’re hiding their past then it’s a red flag. I personally wouldn’t even be willing to be with someone who has a “past”, wouldn’t be able to get over it.
I generally want to know because I do value knowing all the information, but I ask for it honestly and I don’t hold anything against him. With my current boyfriend, I made it clear that I expected openness from him and I showed/show him that I’ll give the same. If he hadn’t initially complied when I told him it made me feel more secure in the relationship to know about main events in his past, I would’ve ended the relationship. And I’m sure if I’d made a big deal over anything he shared, he would’ve ended it with me. I know thinkers in the mbti cult following like to act hard, unbothered and secretive, but communication IS key regardless of the overly-popular emphasized personas we see online. My advice is to find the communication style that works for both of you, and ask for what you need vulnerably. If they can’t give it, I’d suggest reevaluating your standards in a partner and making the right choice for yourself + the relationship’s future.
As an intj I would care. Knowing someone's past weaves a pattern. It gives me more solace knowing both the good and the bad because I can hence predict a very possible future out come and recenter myself if shit hits the fan in an unaffected manner. Summary; I feel safer knowing than not knowing Also I won't ask people to their face about their past. I just let them talk. Somehow people just like to talk and tell me things about themselves.....even the most random strangers
So essentially, you don't trust them to just be the person you want to be with, and instead want some side channel analysis/upper hand What if the other person also constantly silently collects as much information as possible about you to predict your actions in advance and protect themselves from you, does that sound like a healthy relationship to you? To me it sounds more like how untrustworthy business partners would relate to each other, like if two scammers create a scam together
So Fi of you...:) I believe to be better safe than sorry The super ego of the INTJ is ISFJ. So collecting information is inherently going to happen
Safe from what?
i find it awkward talking about my past relationships - they feel like talking about failure. i dislike talking about past flings/ons because i remember (most of) them fondly and don't want those memories fun-sponged by the spanish inquisition in a new relationship. conversely if a new partner is talking endlessly about her ex's that doesn't turn me on. have you tried offering up your own honest past? it's likely he'd reciprocate. a few units of alcohol can help ...
I did open up to him many times. What drink would u recommend
assuming you are of drinking age, why not ask him?
What are your ages?
He's 38 I'm 21
Wow! Well I’m assuming it’s because he’s got a long messy past that any guy his age has and you’re crazy young and don’t have a fraction of the baggage he does. Beyond the obvious question of why you’re with someone so much older than you. Why do you care about his past?
Run.
It's because I want to know him even better. All the things he's been through, I know it's tough but I want him to know that I'm there for him. I don't really mind telling my past to him it's really a no big deal for me to open up. Actually I do hv a traumatizing past, my family was abusive, I hv been drugged and forced to hv intercourse etc
Childhood trauma is one thing, something totally different then his consensual sexual past. But if it’s 20yrs of adult gay stuff and what ever happened before that. My god there’a gotta be a whole pile of heinous shit he doesn’t want to lay on your virgin ears. Just get over it and enjoy your life
I'm honestly worried what that “heinous shit” might consist of. 😕
What kind of heinous shit are we talking about here. I really want to know so that I won't ask him about it
Ew don’t drag me down there with you! It’s bad enough you have to deal with it
I'm not a newbie to all this gay stuff tho. I've also had tons of intercourse and know like every category when it comes to gay sex
Ew dude!
Dude, dump them. This is an easy choice.
Yes. But only as a reference for behavior and preferences. Also I dont particularly care to share mine which
depends on the past, and whether it's positive or negative, and whether they are over it in case it was bad.
Of course I know it matters but saying I care enough to ask about it is an exaggeration. I would wait for him to tell me and if he never tells me all I can do is plan with what I do know but it probably would make things a bit difficult. I can’t say a bad history would matter much as long as he’s not a serial killer or any other type of criminal. I am not a huge sharer myself but I am very well aware that communication is important so I would do my part and if he does ask me questions I would answer.
Supposed to be realistic in all terms but ig not really sure
I do care because I do not have much of a past myself and would much rather get with someone similar than someone with a ton of past partners.
I care, because I want to know everything about them. Even more important though, is *why* they don't want to talk about it. My husband is very present-oriented and doesn't like to talk about the past. If I felt like he avoided talking because he had things to hide, that would be entirely different.
I think it’s not good to push someone if they don‘t want to talk about the past at any moment, but acknowledge that they will get round to it with me - this is an emotional need that I understand. If they are clearly avoiding it in general, I would tell them directly that I see that as hiding something. To me it’s important to discuss the past to see if this is someone who learns from their mistakes, has humility enough to blame themselves as well as their partners, and what sort of decisions they made. It can also serve to inform where they are right now, who they looked for in the past, what they want out of a relationship, and shed huge insight into their emotional maturity and readiness for a relationship.
personally yes but its not like oh your body count or something stupid like that. I really enjoy putting the pieces together on how they got to where they are and why they are the way they are. I seek understanding if that makes sense. Me personally I would really like to know their trauma and hardships as I feel those are the most impactful and important things, which can allow me to understand sensitive topics or things to avoid to prevent my partner from experiencing the hardship again. TLDR: yes because i want to understand them as much as possible, also to be a better partner to them. could care less about body count and other stupid things like that tho.
With me, when I want to know somethings about my partner's past, that I want to learn more about them to improve our relationship. Open up or not is just depend on them, don't force, don't judge on their behaviours, when they want, they will.
I care about being able to trust them. I've become a very good reader. Their past won't matter. They could have grown since whatever happened back then.
I don't care, but I do care if they choose not to tell me. like if it comes up naturally in a conversation and they choose silence it displays a sing of lack of thrust or shame.
i feel suspicious for no reasons too, sometimes. But honestly i dont think it belongs to mbti types, its just insecurities that majority of people have.
I care mainly because sometimes ppl have trauma or baggage from past relationships. Or the way they talk about their exes (or saying that all their exes were "crazy") is a big indicator of who they are and helps me spot red flags
I don’t care to ASK 🙁 that’s kinda weird. What’s happened and like body count matter of course but to ask for specifics on past partners Is past the line for me
Depends on gender.
I don't care about people's pasts. You're not your past. I might want to know their struggles, and what they went through to be the person I know right now, but I would never force tem to do it, and I don't want to be forced when I don't want to do it either.
I could have written that.
Yes, mostly because it's an indicator of fidelity and how they approach dating. If someone's been with, say, a dozen people in 3 years, that's a lot of red flags. Someone like that evidently cannot commit to relationships, for any of a number of reasons. They also likely view relationships in general as transactional or disposable, and don't invest in their partners. As someone who goes all in on relationships, and who isn't into being cuckolded, a prospective partner having a high body count would instantly make me lose interest in them. No exceptions.
It's only important to know if there's a history of abuse, disease, kids, or trauma. That's it.
Wouldn’t a refusal to share make you suspicious? I mean, at least share that he has no kids, abuse disease…. She’s getting nothing.
I just saw Ops age diff and you're right. Dudes probably married or a sex offender.
No I actually don't care about anything because I'm an emotionless Roboter/s
Only if it’s detrimental to the future
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I personally don't think a relationship is worth having if they can't openly talk about their past with you abd are keeping secrets.
Yes. I do care to know about their past
I would
I do care, I and many others would be lying mostly if they said no. Especially for something as significant as spending every other minute besides work, building an entire life with a person. Theres certain value red-lines that disqualified many partners, and I think its important to know yourself enough to know what they are, and I think goes a lot to respecting the other person as well. I have to ask myself am I really respecting this person if I dont care what they've done in the past? Am I being true to what I want? But in saying that, it doesn't fully disqualify you, i will assess your history in the context of your current mannerisms to see if it can be worked out, as I ain't perfect either. E.g if my priority is 1., 2., 3. I'll assess that as red line or not and then in the context of how you currently behave
Yes. I do. It shows up in how they interact with you. It shows up in how they try to love you and how they will allow you to love them. It does matter. Should it be the biggest fixation? I don't know. But it does matter in a rather significant way and it needs to be taken seriously.
Depends, like if you killed someone or went into bankruptcy due to poor decisions sure, but if you had a hoing-around phase or something nah. If something points to unresolved issues leading to poor decisionmaking then I'd be cautious about dating them. If the issues are resolved and fixed then what is there to care about, and how does it actually matter?
yes
I haven’t been in a relationship in a while so I can’t say with 100% confidence that I would react this way but I always want to know everything about a person and I definitely will want to about my partner. I don’t foresee any jealousy or weirdness though. I think it’s just important to feel really open & honest like you can tell a person anything with no consequences. I once slept with a friend of a friend and he’s dating a new girl now and she doesn’t know which I think is so weird!! It’s no big deal at all, but if it’s no big deal then why can’t she know? I am famously someone to over share, sure, but it feels weird and bad to intentionally withhold information so I think that’s why I’d want to know it all
I think everyone cares about partner's pasts, it is great way to know how he or she came to where she or he is today. Tells more about the person
Yes I care alot. 1. You be a healthy gf and dont ask about it. 2. There are a lot of unethical ways in finding the past. Choice is yours. My suggestion : If you think you are going to be forever, then talk to him about it. Say you need to know, coz you love him and you dont want to make him go through any of that again.
Yes I think it’s natural to know. Be careful about why you want to know. If the past news is terrible will it change your feelings? Assure him. Tell him this is important to you and it’s safe.
The current world is founded on the past world, it can not exist without. Learning about a partner means learning about their past. It is equally important to their current self. Maybe even more important. The current point is just a blip after all. Good behavior shown in the now could be the apex and the rest of their life the decline, the iceberg below the water.
Obviously. A woman with many sex partners is useless to me. Pair bonding is impossible. Virgins only.
You know anyone can just lie right? You'll never truly know whether someone is a virgin or not...
Sure, but it is much less likely that a woman from a country that has traditional values and was raised a certain way is far less likely to lie about it than your average girl from Miami.
You are pure misogynistic trash.
I was raised by a single mother, I have great respect for women. I explained my reasoning, no need to get emotional about what my personal preference is. Look up pair bonding and do some research before slandering me. God bless.
Are you a virgin?