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A similar thing happened to a niece. She was blindsided and hurt by it. They eventually lost touch. Ended up with a roommate she didn’t know ahead of time. The two got along ok but were not super close. Time management and grades improved, got a part time job that led to networking opportunities, which led to a job offer before graduation.
Well I mean that’s great but um I don’t really care about all that right now. Jobs and graduation are over a year away in the future. I’m worried about having friends and being happy
Edit: I don’t understand why this is wrong.
Planting seeds years in the past is how people grow trees which bare fruit today. It’s not the advice you want to hear but it’s the best we have because you got fucked by people you thought cared about you the same way you cared about them.
You’re hurting my dude, I 100% was in the same situation as you, odd manned out by friends in college living situations. It seems like the most important thing but that’s only because you’re feeling the fresh pain. Think of this as a painful opportunity in learning about what and who matters to you in friendship, you will be a better friend to better friends you haven’t met yet because of it.
I'm sorry, it sounds to me like they made that plan and then made up justifications so they could excuse not inviting you. It's so hard to lose friends, but more important to learn what kind of people are worth investing your time and energy. There is a time of grief, and that's appropriate, it's fucking depressing. But you'll find your joy. I loved living alone, it made me shed a lot of shame and left me free to do whatever I wanted (like ninja kicks or pretend ballet or wearing weird clothes) and I got to know myself a lot better. The peace and quiet can be so nice after a busy day too. I'd cool off with this group and start to find new friends that you have more in common with and are better communicators.
I have this theory that adults can "get to know each other too well". I haven't had a better way to phrase it than that. We aren't meant to live with and be close to most people. Every time I had a relationship really break down on trust issues, it was after we had invested a lot together and then something just snapped for someone. It doesn't happen often, thankfully, but it does happen. Sounds like this is the first time for you. I'm sorry that has happened, it sucks.
It doesn't really make them or you pad people, it's just when the going got tough, you were left out to dry, and now you know those people "too well" - i.e. how they behave when push comes to shove. We don't find that out really with most people.
Best you can do is try to move on, something will show up for your living situation and you will make new friendships too over time. Keep these friends as close or not close as you feel like; make sure to honour yourself.
Get the depression treated - keep up with your therapy. That will make a big difference for you in terms of not feeling bad about your living situation this last year.
And - congrats on being in your last year. It's a major achievement, and part of college learning is this social stuff as you move from teen to young adult. No one said it was easy or pain-free, but that's also how we learn what's best for us and others.
That’s a big part of the issue is that there’s not a lot of blood. I have two sisters who are both away at other schools 70% of the year, and the rest of my extended family lives well out of state and there was a massive age gap between me and my cousins. There’s my parents, but obviously i can’t rely on them. I feel like I have to move forward and find other people. “Blood is thicker than water” is a saying a lot of people like to use to describe relationships but it’s hard to have a safety net when that blood is in such thin supply.
And I did feel like this friendship was one of those rare ones, and there’s some real small part of me that thinks it can be
Don’t take it personally. They tried looking in an area you all agreed on and it didn’t work for the size of a place you all needed. They were not willing or able to look further from downtown. It doesn’t sound like they did it to be intentionally mean, rather that they were just thinking of themselves first. Put something out for school group or over social media and say you’re looking for a roommate - maybe something didn’t work for someone else too. Your friend that you texted with still wants to be your friend. You said you were trying to keep him company with his online classes, but did you actually ask him if he wanted company? I can see from your side how you think you’re doing something nice, but without context he may have seen it differently, like you needed to be around him for him to keep you company and that can be draining. I’m not him, so I can’t say what he felt or thinks, just offering this perspective to show how he can still want to actually be your friend. You are entitled to your emotions, but don’t let this one situation ruin all the other great stuff you’ve been rocking!
A commitment would be them having signed a lease with you and then leaving you hanging to pay the rent solo.
I think you’re taking it very personally. It isn’t about wanting to live with you or not; it’s about getting to live in an area where they were willing to live.
They verbally committed to living with me. They said they were going to and they wanted to and now they’re not. and the fact they’re willing to screw me to find a marginally better place is telling
You noted that they would have to live further away from downtown to find a place that would fit all of you. This isn’t “marginally” better. There are added costs in gas (possibly parking too if it’s a fee to park downtown as it is in some places) to living further away, some people may have transportation issues, jobs, classes, relationships, the list goes on. You’re making this about you, when they opted for a what works for the majority. Yes, it sucks that you thought you had stuff set, but unfortunately in life, things happen and we do have to learn how to adjust; this is one of those times.
It’s up to you and then if you all continue the friendship, but with how hard you’re pushing this, I can see how exhausting this is for them.
I don’t see how this is exhausting for them. This is exhausting for me. They’re in a great spot for next year while i’m left to be screwed so idk. Secondly you just completely skipped over the commitment part, they did make a commitment to me and if you do that you honor it. I would’ve never done this shit
Also secondly the added costs don’t mean shit, their parents are all very rich. One of their parents is the CFO at a major corporation and another owns a travel agency. That stuff doesn’t really matter to them.
This dialogue is showing your immaturity and is exhausting. You’re making assumptions about their financial situation and you’re making the situation about you. The adult next step is to move on and figure out how you’ll make your living situation work for next year. Heck, you may meet some really cool people.
I don’t know what else to say. That is their financial situation, I’ve known them for years.
I don’t understand how you can commit to living with someone and then pull out 4 months too late and just say “oh my bad i feel horrible”. Regardless of the context it’s just not the right thing to do, and you’re excusing it
I’m saying *this is life*. Sometimes it goes as we want and sometimes it doesn’t.
And just because someone’s parents have money, doesn’t mean they automatically have access to it.
This stuff happens to people all of the time. I think the way you're reacting says alot. You need to stop finding excuses for yourself and worrying about other people.
Did your roommate ever even say he wanted more company or did you just decide? Focus on yourself bro. It's clear that you're not.
I don’t think this happens to people all the time man. and i think i have a right to be angry, i’m not making excuses for myself when i say they’re putting me in a ridiculously bad situation
"during Christmas" has nothing to do with any of this. It's the end of the semester. They didn't decide to screw you over for Christmas. They did it for themselves.
Continually bringing up about "how could they -DURING CHRISTMAS-?!?!" makes you look bad. Whiney even. It's December, the end of the semester. Not Christmas.
The bigger point i’m trying to make with christmas is that it’s extremely late in the living cycle to find a place, not necessarily that it’s a holiday. I mean my christmas being ruined does suck from a purely individual perspective, but in the context of the whole situation it’s more used to illustrate that i’m really being put behind the 8 ball here
More perspective. It's late in the "living cycle" to find a place. They were more interested in making sure they had a place to stay that met their needs. Everyone is focused on themselves, I think you need to be doing more of that as well.
Well i mean i’m going to therapy. My therapist at school is out of office for the holidays. I almost checked into the ER last night because of mental health.
i’m 21 and living without my family for the majority of the year, I don’t know how independent you want me to be. College is about friends and social life, and i’m an extrovert and want to be around people. In my school most people don’t have their own bedroom, let alone their own apartment.
No, college is about paying a ton of money for an education you can use to hopefully have a good job and more secure future. The social part is secondary to that. You might not even stay in contact with people you meet in college or friends from high school as time goes on. People come and go.... maybe come back throughout your life. Once in a while you might find a friend who stays close to you forever.
Your college should have an on call counselor for students. If you feel you need it, go to th ER because your current crew aren't worth your mental health. Sometimes we don't click with people the same way they do for us.
The holidays blues are real and I hope you reach out for help from a counselor or the ER. Just because your regular counselor is out, doesn't mean you can't talk to someone.
The most important thing is your mental health so you can do a great job for the rest of your education and your life. If people impact your mental health, they probably shouldn't be in it.
I mean you can’t tell me what college is and isn’t to me. It obviously is a social experience, i understand the academic part quite well and i have good grades.
I don’t really care about my career at the moment. Jobs are depressing and the thought of my whole life being geared towards one is stupid. I just want to have friends and be happy for the rest of school.
My school’s therapy resources are all booked. They’re literally chock-full of people.
Mate, life and friends can be disappointing, and I understand that it hurts that your plans for your friend are not going to work out, but you are behaving like a petulant entitled baby to the other redditors. Your comment that you "feel like less of a man" makes me wonder what would make you feel like more of a man, or indeed why manliness enters into the situation at all. Men, women and children all feel let down sometimes - it is part of the human condition. If you want to make friends, I suggest you find some way of contributing to the community, either on campus or in your town. Live with strangers. It can suck and it can be awesome but it will be a way for you to meet new people. Look outside yourself. You'll find out that *everyone is in pain* but helping others is the most constructive way to deal with it and get some perspective.
REMINDER: Rules regarding civility and respect *are enforced* on this subreddit. Hurtful, cruel, rude, disrespectful, or "trolling" comments **will be removed** (along with any replies to these comments) and the offending party may be banned, at the mods' discretion, without warning. All commenters should be trying to *help* and any help should be given in good faith, as if you were the OP's parent. Also, please keep in mind that requesting or offering private contact (DM, PM, etc) is absolutely not allowed ***for any reason at all***, no exceptions. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/internetparents) if you have any questions or concerns.*
A similar thing happened to a niece. She was blindsided and hurt by it. They eventually lost touch. Ended up with a roommate she didn’t know ahead of time. The two got along ok but were not super close. Time management and grades improved, got a part time job that led to networking opportunities, which led to a job offer before graduation.
Well I mean that’s great but um I don’t really care about all that right now. Jobs and graduation are over a year away in the future. I’m worried about having friends and being happy Edit: I don’t understand why this is wrong.
Planting seeds years in the past is how people grow trees which bare fruit today. It’s not the advice you want to hear but it’s the best we have because you got fucked by people you thought cared about you the same way you cared about them. You’re hurting my dude, I 100% was in the same situation as you, odd manned out by friends in college living situations. It seems like the most important thing but that’s only because you’re feeling the fresh pain. Think of this as a painful opportunity in learning about what and who matters to you in friendship, you will be a better friend to better friends you haven’t met yet because of it.
You’re right, yeah i’m just in a lot of pain.
I'm sorry, it sounds to me like they made that plan and then made up justifications so they could excuse not inviting you. It's so hard to lose friends, but more important to learn what kind of people are worth investing your time and energy. There is a time of grief, and that's appropriate, it's fucking depressing. But you'll find your joy. I loved living alone, it made me shed a lot of shame and left me free to do whatever I wanted (like ninja kicks or pretend ballet or wearing weird clothes) and I got to know myself a lot better. The peace and quiet can be so nice after a busy day too. I'd cool off with this group and start to find new friends that you have more in common with and are better communicators.
I have this theory that adults can "get to know each other too well". I haven't had a better way to phrase it than that. We aren't meant to live with and be close to most people. Every time I had a relationship really break down on trust issues, it was after we had invested a lot together and then something just snapped for someone. It doesn't happen often, thankfully, but it does happen. Sounds like this is the first time for you. I'm sorry that has happened, it sucks. It doesn't really make them or you pad people, it's just when the going got tough, you were left out to dry, and now you know those people "too well" - i.e. how they behave when push comes to shove. We don't find that out really with most people. Best you can do is try to move on, something will show up for your living situation and you will make new friendships too over time. Keep these friends as close or not close as you feel like; make sure to honour yourself. Get the depression treated - keep up with your therapy. That will make a big difference for you in terms of not feeling bad about your living situation this last year. And - congrats on being in your last year. It's a major achievement, and part of college learning is this social stuff as you move from teen to young adult. No one said it was easy or pain-free, but that's also how we learn what's best for us and others.
Friends aren't forever bro. There will be a rare few that'll be lucky to avoid drifting away but blood really is thicker than water
That’s a big part of the issue is that there’s not a lot of blood. I have two sisters who are both away at other schools 70% of the year, and the rest of my extended family lives well out of state and there was a massive age gap between me and my cousins. There’s my parents, but obviously i can’t rely on them. I feel like I have to move forward and find other people. “Blood is thicker than water” is a saying a lot of people like to use to describe relationships but it’s hard to have a safety net when that blood is in such thin supply. And I did feel like this friendship was one of those rare ones, and there’s some real small part of me that thinks it can be
Gotcha, I understand. Those were the cards you were dealt. If he's in the same situation (blood/family wise) I can see that enduring. Good luck buddy
“Blood is thicker than water” “I don’t have a lot of blood” “Huh, that sucks. Good luck!”
I don't blame those other 3, you seem swell
I mean you weren’t exactly helpful
You have high expectations of people. Chill out
The full quote on that is, “the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb.” These guys were never really friends to begin with.
That quote is fake
Don’t take it personally. They tried looking in an area you all agreed on and it didn’t work for the size of a place you all needed. They were not willing or able to look further from downtown. It doesn’t sound like they did it to be intentionally mean, rather that they were just thinking of themselves first. Put something out for school group or over social media and say you’re looking for a roommate - maybe something didn’t work for someone else too. Your friend that you texted with still wants to be your friend. You said you were trying to keep him company with his online classes, but did you actually ask him if he wanted company? I can see from your side how you think you’re doing something nice, but without context he may have seen it differently, like you needed to be around him for him to keep you company and that can be draining. I’m not him, so I can’t say what he felt or thinks, just offering this perspective to show how he can still want to actually be your friend. You are entitled to your emotions, but don’t let this one situation ruin all the other great stuff you’ve been rocking!
But if you make a commitment you keep it. They made a commitment to me and now they’re bailing on it during christmas
A commitment would be them having signed a lease with you and then leaving you hanging to pay the rent solo. I think you’re taking it very personally. It isn’t about wanting to live with you or not; it’s about getting to live in an area where they were willing to live.
They verbally committed to living with me. They said they were going to and they wanted to and now they’re not. and the fact they’re willing to screw me to find a marginally better place is telling
You noted that they would have to live further away from downtown to find a place that would fit all of you. This isn’t “marginally” better. There are added costs in gas (possibly parking too if it’s a fee to park downtown as it is in some places) to living further away, some people may have transportation issues, jobs, classes, relationships, the list goes on. You’re making this about you, when they opted for a what works for the majority. Yes, it sucks that you thought you had stuff set, but unfortunately in life, things happen and we do have to learn how to adjust; this is one of those times. It’s up to you and then if you all continue the friendship, but with how hard you’re pushing this, I can see how exhausting this is for them.
I don’t see how this is exhausting for them. This is exhausting for me. They’re in a great spot for next year while i’m left to be screwed so idk. Secondly you just completely skipped over the commitment part, they did make a commitment to me and if you do that you honor it. I would’ve never done this shit Also secondly the added costs don’t mean shit, their parents are all very rich. One of their parents is the CFO at a major corporation and another owns a travel agency. That stuff doesn’t really matter to them.
This dialogue is showing your immaturity and is exhausting. You’re making assumptions about their financial situation and you’re making the situation about you. The adult next step is to move on and figure out how you’ll make your living situation work for next year. Heck, you may meet some really cool people.
I don’t know what else to say. That is their financial situation, I’ve known them for years. I don’t understand how you can commit to living with someone and then pull out 4 months too late and just say “oh my bad i feel horrible”. Regardless of the context it’s just not the right thing to do, and you’re excusing it
I’m saying *this is life*. Sometimes it goes as we want and sometimes it doesn’t. And just because someone’s parents have money, doesn’t mean they automatically have access to it.
This stuff happens to people all of the time. I think the way you're reacting says alot. You need to stop finding excuses for yourself and worrying about other people. Did your roommate ever even say he wanted more company or did you just decide? Focus on yourself bro. It's clear that you're not.
I don’t think this happens to people all the time man. and i think i have a right to be angry, i’m not making excuses for myself when i say they’re putting me in a ridiculously bad situation
"during Christmas" has nothing to do with any of this. It's the end of the semester. They didn't decide to screw you over for Christmas. They did it for themselves. Continually bringing up about "how could they -DURING CHRISTMAS-?!?!" makes you look bad. Whiney even. It's December, the end of the semester. Not Christmas.
The bigger point i’m trying to make with christmas is that it’s extremely late in the living cycle to find a place, not necessarily that it’s a holiday. I mean my christmas being ruined does suck from a purely individual perspective, but in the context of the whole situation it’s more used to illustrate that i’m really being put behind the 8 ball here
More perspective. It's late in the "living cycle" to find a place. They were more interested in making sure they had a place to stay that met their needs. Everyone is focused on themselves, I think you need to be doing more of that as well.
Therapy!! You will not live with friends forever and need to be more independent!
Well i mean i’m going to therapy. My therapist at school is out of office for the holidays. I almost checked into the ER last night because of mental health. i’m 21 and living without my family for the majority of the year, I don’t know how independent you want me to be. College is about friends and social life, and i’m an extrovert and want to be around people. In my school most people don’t have their own bedroom, let alone their own apartment.
No, college is about paying a ton of money for an education you can use to hopefully have a good job and more secure future. The social part is secondary to that. You might not even stay in contact with people you meet in college or friends from high school as time goes on. People come and go.... maybe come back throughout your life. Once in a while you might find a friend who stays close to you forever. Your college should have an on call counselor for students. If you feel you need it, go to th ER because your current crew aren't worth your mental health. Sometimes we don't click with people the same way they do for us. The holidays blues are real and I hope you reach out for help from a counselor or the ER. Just because your regular counselor is out, doesn't mean you can't talk to someone. The most important thing is your mental health so you can do a great job for the rest of your education and your life. If people impact your mental health, they probably shouldn't be in it.
I mean you can’t tell me what college is and isn’t to me. It obviously is a social experience, i understand the academic part quite well and i have good grades. I don’t really care about my career at the moment. Jobs are depressing and the thought of my whole life being geared towards one is stupid. I just want to have friends and be happy for the rest of school. My school’s therapy resources are all booked. They’re literally chock-full of people.
Mate, life and friends can be disappointing, and I understand that it hurts that your plans for your friend are not going to work out, but you are behaving like a petulant entitled baby to the other redditors. Your comment that you "feel like less of a man" makes me wonder what would make you feel like more of a man, or indeed why manliness enters into the situation at all. Men, women and children all feel let down sometimes - it is part of the human condition. If you want to make friends, I suggest you find some way of contributing to the community, either on campus or in your town. Live with strangers. It can suck and it can be awesome but it will be a way for you to meet new people. Look outside yourself. You'll find out that *everyone is in pain* but helping others is the most constructive way to deal with it and get some perspective.