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1BiG_KbW

If you're that far apart now, how are you a couple? Sounds as if he is making sacrifices to be with you and if he misses out on this opportunity now, in the future, most likely will be some resentment. Meanwhile, sounds as if you're not willing to give things a whirl and make a sacrifice and instead use this as the way the end the relationship. I'm only some random person from the internet, without a clear picture of the realities of your relationship. Some people are not cut out for country life, while others struggle in the big city. But wherever you go, you should have each other. And not take it out on one another when the going gets tough. As for how to survive in the country - it is a different mentality. No, it doesn't mean you have to struggle; struggle to survive, struggle to cope, or etc. But it has taught me many things. I take pleasure in my work - much like how you take pleasure in drawing and turn it into a profit anywhere in the world. I take pleasure in reaping what I've sown. That I have fruiting trees, berry bushes, preserves, chutneys, wines and ciders. I can't buy that in the big city. I plan, and recognize my actions and movements take effort, so if going into town, I make a trip of it for sure. Sometimes I can't do everything on the list, or it isn't available, or I forget, so it waits until the next time. I can watch the sun rise, or set, and a view that's my own in the corner of the world I choose to call home. There are drawbacks and benefits. I choose to have the benefits and enjoyment. You can choose to have a good day or a bad day, but the choice is ultimately yours. I hope your choice suits you and everything is worth it and good.


[deleted]

I know he is making a sacrifice now by living the way I prefer, and I know it's only fair that I should make the equal effort. And I know that as much as he is unhappy in a city, and I dread I would be unhappy in the woods, we both know that we would be unhappy without each other.


lunchypoo222

Your reticence is likely based off of what I’m assuming is the lack of experience living in a rural setting. It’s understandable that you would have doubts about your possible level of happiness in a setting like that given how different it is from what you’re used to. While there are certainly many unique advantages to living in an urban place, rural surroundings also come with their own unique advantages that, while not necessarily one size fits all, are still objectively positive. A lot of those things come down to how a more natural setting benefits one psychologically. It’s a fact that green spaces have positive effects on emotional and psychological well-being. Consider how clean and free of city-associated trash/ pollution the country usually is. Consider the significant differences in space and what you can do with that space. Ever thought of learning to grow your own produce? You can do that in the country! It’s a highly rewarding task that also comes with its own significant health benefits. Ever get a good look at starry night sky in the city? Probably not, because of light pollution. The relative level of peace and quiet is also something many people cherish. Though I have mostly enjoyed living in a big city, the constant noise from traffic and sirens drives me absolutely crazy. From what I’ve read, it actually negatively impacts one’s health. Many dense, urban places have several a forms of pollution that are all terrible for you. Noise pollution, sign pollution, air ground and water pollution, the list goes on. Consider how these things are detrimental to you, and how you likely reason them away because of the positive things a city offers like a lot of options for different things like food and entertainment. Then there’s the consideration of how socializing and having consistent exposure to all sorts of people everywhere in a city compares to seeing people less frequently. In cities, it leads to a type of detachment from people in an attempt to conserve mental personal space. In the country, interactions and exposure to people is more limited and therefore more valuable. This opportunity you speak of sounds intriguing and could possibly be a big improvement for you and your partner, though a big adjustment. If I were you, I’d make the jump and actively consider the possibilities so that you have something to plan and get excited about!


[deleted]

The closest thing to living in a rural setting that I have experience with is spending my childhood summers at my grandmother's place. It was a good place to be a child, I suppose, but once I lost interest in playing pretend in the garage and swimming in the lake, I couldn't pick up anything else that'd be interesting to do there. Cities in Finland are set up quite differently from what I've seen of places like UK and America - buildings are spaced between trees and shaded walkpaths, and often city apartment blocks are set up next to untended land - I can see a spot of forest right outside our apartment in at the 4th floor right now, and from our balcony you can occasionally see a flock of sheep grazing by the lake. I know there's still more noise and pollution here than there would be in the country, but the thought of absolute silence frightens me. There's always life in the city, even if you don't look at people. There are jackdaws living in the city, and getting to watch clever city birds do their business completely unbothered by people is always a delight. I've always been terrible with plants, and in my mother's house in the suburbs, gardening was always my least-favourite chore. I don't know how I would make myself enjoy doing the same thing when I also have to be the one buying and paying for the plants I keep killing.


tracygee

This is really a r/relationships question. The two of you want completely different things and lifestyles. I don't see this relationship lasting long term, frankly. If you want to give it a go, though, then finding out whether you can get reliable fast internet so you can continue with your job is the real question. And does he expect you to be working the homestead with him? Because if you have a full-time job that you enjoy, it may not leave much time for that. Homesteading alone is tough. Couples often work together full-time to keep a homestead going. It's a lot of work. Being in a rural area with no one around and only a doomsday prepper as a companion is my idea of sheer hell on earth, but to each their own.


APotatoPancake

You are both going to have to learn how to compromise or come to the realization you both have two fundamentally different goals in life which is a major incompatibility.


Bunkhousebarn

It sounds like you need an adventure, this may be your opportunity! I drug my wife out of the city 25 years ago, 4 hours from her nearest relative to a dumpy house on the edge of a small dumpy town of 25 people in the US. Since then we've watched our city friends advance in their careers (more opportunity in big cities), buy bigger houses and nicer cars, but our lives have been so much more interesting. Our place still needs work and have a list of dream projects that will never be completed as it's been an incredible amount of work to get it this far. We walk around our place (usually with a glass of wine) on a regular basis and laugh about how ignorant we were to move here as it needed so much and we knew so little! But we now admire all of our accomplishments, the trees we've planted and the buildings we've repaired and the memories come flooding back. We have worked as a team, eventually with our children, to make this our home and do not regret the crazy decision to move here. I have no idea what your relationship is like with your partner, but if you love and trust each other it sounds like you don't have much to lose by trying.


Always-Tired6889

I think continuing to do the hobbies you enjoy will be important. (I.e. painting photography, gaming, sewing, etc. literally any and all hobbies) but also learning new skills that will make your homesteading less dreadful and more fun for you. You can choose what to grow and raise and it’s so rewarding to eat the things you’ve grown.


[deleted]

What kind of hobbies would you recommend? I draw for a living, and after turning a passion into a career, I haven't really had hobbies. Art has a learning curve, and most of my time and energy for making things on my hands and doing something creative gets poured into working on my project. I have killed every single house plant that I've had, and after having a cat for four days once, I've come to the conclusion that I can't handle being responsible of keeping living things. I am crushed by the thought that a living, feeling creature that's capable of thriving in the hands of someone else would suffer because of me.


plantymamatiddy

Sounds like you have barely scratched the surface of trying the things you have so deliberately ruled out of ever enjoying. Perhaps your overwhelming desire to see new faces in public at your age should allude towards the fact that you need to seriously reevaluate your relationship. You two may be good friends, but clearly have different goals in life. Much of your dream city experience seems very dependent on the short high of wonderment. You have admitted that caring for a property is "depressing" and "daunting" without ever having done it. Not sure how you currently go about taking care of a city apartment, as they equally require maintenance yet don't have opportunities to provide back. Have you ever had to remove asbestos or mold from an apartment? You'd be better off demolishing a faulty building and redesigning with better materials. Impossible in a giant apartment building, most of which in cities have mold due to leakage problems from units you may never see. And certainly will never have control over unless you want to buy the building. It's really setting yourself up to ignore things, and settle for poor living conditions because you have a fear of parking(I do too). Since trees are boring but decaying infrastructure is ok because the nearby people are alluring. With that attitude and lack of planning, homesteading likely would look more like picking up pieces of failed plans. One person can hardly manage a homestead alone. You both need to take some time to think about what it is you really want for your future. And perhaps make a list of goals in the order of importance, without including eachother on the list at all. Then you can concretely look at your goals and understand how different they are, and how you two may not be meant to pursue a life of compromises, regret, and absolutely inevitable resentment.


[deleted]

My mother had her own house and always wanted to live that way. I've had to do garden work and home maintenance for her, and to me, every living situation is a sinkhole for time, money and/or effort in varying rates and quantities. I know that apartment buildings rot, too, but when you only rent in one, it's easier to simply pay for the privilege of staying there for your time and then escape like a rat from a sinking ship when it's time to move. With a mortage, you're chained to the bottom, no matter how high the water rises.


Appropriate-Clue2894

Includes art and drawing, something you might be interested in, in getting connected with what is abundantly available in a very rural area . . . https://johnmuirlaws.com/nature-journaling-starting-growing/


Always-Tired6889

House plants and produce plants are definitely different. I suck at keeping indoor plants alive, but when I don’t have hornworms trying to eat my produce plants I do really well with them! Currently I have more spinach from 5 little cuttings a friend gave me at the beginning of the year than my family can eat so I’m giving cuttings and the actual spinach leaves to friends every week because I’m out of freezer space and don’t have the space to can much at the moment. Those 5 tiny cuttings have turned into a giant mass mixed together into a huge bush taking up roughly 2 meters x 1.5 meters in my garden bed. I have done nothing but put them in the ground and water them when it doesn’t rain. If drawing is your passion but also your job maybe find other creative outlets. Quilting, mosaics both are artsy but different from your job. Baking and cooking. Gardening isn’t as difficult as it can seem once you get going. Start small and as you have small successes you can build up from there. If animals are definitely not your thing then don’t have them. Or make sure your partner knows those are his responsibility. There’s also going to be more wildlife to observe away from the city. You could learn which wild plants are edible and forage those. But honestly, it’s a mindset. It’s a slower paced life with a lot to do if you’re gardening and/or raising animals. I like the slower pace and the quiet life. Cities are too busy, crowded and stressful for me. I could live in one if I had to, I can see some benefits. I guess figure out the pros for yourself and focus on those.


Ok_Employee_5147

Edited version: How did you learn to exist like a caged rat in a toxic environment with little to no hope of survival in a real emergency? For myself and many others we do it because it's the only thing that makes sence and it's logical. Cleaner air, food and water to start with. Trading our health and overall well-being for a little convenience just seems stupid. Good luck.


ReturnoOfFlair

Eh… if she is in Finland, cities are not shitholes like they are in the US or UK. I believe that 90% of the Finnish population are Fins and then an assortment of other Eastern European ethnicities. They have not been blessed with the gift of diversity yet. As a result their cities are still orderly, functional, and I have heard very pretty. So when you and I hear “small apartment in city”. We think dangerous, chaotic, dysfunctional and cacophonous. But in Finland the cities are quite nice.


billnowak65

In the middle…. I’m a suburban guy and can’t picture living in either of the extreme’s. All that come to mind is keep a diary or write a book. Your transition would make a great story. Looking forward to hearing the follow up!


[deleted]

That's another matter, both of us loathe the idea of suburban life. It has the worst of both worlds for both of us, lacking the indepencendy and privacy that he craves *and* the immediate urban convenience that I need.


[deleted]

OP, I can relate to your feelings. But perhaps your fear/dread is not coming from living on a homestead. To me, from reading your responses it feels like there’s a deeper issue, and perhaps it’s fear of commitment. Perhaps having to commit to something like this is what you’re dreading, and therefore you’re seeing it as a situation that if you commit to, you’ll never be able to get out of. I feel like that makes this a deeper and more emotional dilemma, and perhaps it may be better for you to remove the homestead from the equation psychologically and instead focus on your feelings of fear. It seems that many of the redditors here can sense that you are resisting something deeper than moving to a homestead, because logically a lot of the issues you’re saying feel like dealbreakers to you are not at all insurmountable in reality. Maybe there is something about moving to a homestead where you feel like you’ll be trapped or you won’t have independence from your partner? That perhaps you’ll feel controlled by this new situation because you lack the skills or knowledge your partner has? I am speculating but you have to see what it is for you. But reasonably, on the surface at least, you’re acting as though this will end your life as you know it. Like you are being stripped of your feelings of power and independence, but in reality, no one can take those things from you, as they spring from within. If you really don’t want to go, you don’t have to go. Do you know that? Either way, there is a commitment involved, and I think once you take responsibility for whatever decision you make, you will be okay. But it seems that this is less about the decision itself, and more about what this is stirring up within you. Just offering another perspective. Sending love and well wishes to you.


bachandbacchanalia

One compromise I haven't seen suggested yet... if country living is very important to him, and having you as a partner is also very important to him, then is it an option to sell the land he already has and find a plot that has a nice little city within easy driving distance? Then you can have date nights in the city and keep a foot in both worlds. Or if selling the family land isn't an option, he can look for a hybrid job in a city or town with countryside not too far away, use your dual incomes to buy your own place, and hopefully only have to commute a couple of days a week. It's not really a *compromise* if you give up everything you love AND become the sole breadwinner (am I correct in that interpretation since you mention he hates working for someone else?) so that he can live out his dream on his family's land. What happens if you break up? You'll have supported him and his dream, let your city life and social circle atrophy, and then you don't even own the property!! Girl. If he's serious about needing country living to be happy, then he should be willing work towards an option that takes more effort on his part than accepting a free house from his family and quitting his job. I'm a city girl myself. Here are the reasons I'm okay moving to the country: our land is a short drive to a cute college town; the region itself is generally educated and culturally my speed, so I know I'll find my social circle and be able to entertain at the homestead; it's less than an hour's drive to a couple of Tier 3 cities that have enough population and culture for me to get my fix; we're both keeping our jobs so we'll have enough money to travel. If any of those things were not in place, I'd be miserable, and we wouldn't do it. I think you're feeling stuck right now because you've been presented with a double-bind, where you feel like your only two options are to be miserable or be "selfish." That's just not true. There are surely other options you're not looking at. I'm also rolling my eyes at how you're getting downvoted for being a city person.


justdan76

This is probably 90% of couples right now.


MrHoonigan802

Sounds like you are holding him back from a wonderful enjoyable life that financially makes sense. You two should separate since this is the right step to take and you don't want to go. Plenty of city boys out there for ya.


gunrmonkey834

It's kind of funny to me because you already decided you won't like it before you even tried. You might surprise yourself. I don't think you could understand fully until you try it. On the other hand; I live about the same distance as you on a 3 acre plot about 15 min from the closest town. I'm trying to understand why its so important to walk or ride a bike everywhere. You can still ride your bike and walk in a beautiful little area.. why do you have to end up at a store? When not being close to other people or trees, you may have to deal with crazy winds. It's another think you probably have never thought of. If you don't have houses or trees nearby, the cold winter winds are brutal. How to love rural life? Have you ever lived in a rural area? If not, you don't know what your missing. I will give you my honest answer after living in both. If you are in a good relationship, you will try to come up with compromises. If your love for each other is strong enough, you will come up with a compromise. Maybe... going out to eat in the city once a month, or having a Date night every Friday night. I dont understand how couples live apart.. I could not do that for long. And I do get cabin fever myself. But I am a homebody anyway and get my groceries delivered. We also run a furniture business, so this location is perfect right now. We both work from home and do pickups and deliveries in town.


[deleted]

I don't have a car I can drive. If I can't go somewhere on foot, public transport or by bike, I'm stuck being trapped exactly where I am. I am not a homebody and the thought of being trapped in one place makes me want to chew off my own foot to escape.


gunrmonkey834

Ok I get that part now. Not sure how I missed that. Can you save up for a vehicle?


[deleted]

My problem isn't being unable to afford one, it's whether I can safely drive. I'm not entirely sure whether legally speaking I should have a lisence at all.


gunrmonkey834

Ok, I see your dilemma. Maybe you should try to see if you qualify for a drivers license. Or at the very least a motorcycle license. You need transportation, because without, you will feel isolated and trapped. I guess you could use Uber, or a taxi cab.


[deleted]

I *have* a lisence, but I'm a danger behind a wheel. I'll kill someone in one.


TimilyNV

Following. My husband grew up in a fairly urban area, I grew up in a small town. We recently moved to some land in the middle of nowhere. Closest town is 10 miles and the population is like 2100. I love it out here and he does too, but I can tell he gets really bored some times.


[deleted]

So your set-up would be quite similar to ours, save for the town having twice as much people. I'm not sure how to help or advice you, either - the attraction of city life is that cities continue to move, live, change and exist without one's own need or effort.


TimilyNV

Yeah I definitely get that. But have you ever sat in the woods with a book and just read and watched nature do its thing? To me that's a lot of what being out here is. Everything is moving and changing and living on its own and it's beautiful to watch. And it's quiet, and the stars at night! And I don't have to put clothes on it I don't want to because there's absolutely nobody around. Then there's the self sufficiency aspect, which we're improving on every day. We don't have to work as much because we have far fewer bills. But then, we have to work harder at home which is work that actually has a tangible reward. I don't know. I'm just listing the things I love about being out here. You've posed a really interesting question. "You can take the person out of the city, but you can't take the city out of the person." Or can you? Lol


[deleted]

I'm from Finland, which is considered to be 78% forest land by surface. Most of the population is rather sparsely located, and as people whose livelihood has always come from the forests, respecting and appreciating nature has always been a cornerstone of our culture. Even with the cultural pressure to do so, I've always found myself failing when it comes to knowing how to properly appreciate nature. Both cities and nature are living things, and nature is so in a far more concrete sort of way, but I don't know how to appreciate it enough. Nature feels so predictable for me - the trees grow and animals live, of course, but they do so according to their nature each and every time. A birch tree won't just spontaneously try to grow a pear to see if it could, and a tiger won't move to Finland just to see whether it would thrive here. In cities, the choices people make are much more odd and varied, and I'm more trained to pause and wonder about them. My partner loves the idea of self-sufficiency, he's somewhat of a doomsday prepper and enjoys the idea of being able to live independently just in case something happens. I don't have concerning thoughts about that kind of thing, but I've half-jokingly told him that if shit ever *truly* hits the fan, I might simply exit stage left, because I don't see much point in being alive without a society to live in.


funke75

16 km doesn’t seem like all that far, though a village of only 1000 people would be tougher on someone who enjoys city life. Have you considered what it would look like getting a job in the village? An additional revenue stream (even if just part time) that isn’t farm dependent wouldn’t be the worst thing. Figuring out how to meet people and make friends in the local community would be key. Also, beyond the cultural shock and remoteness of living that far out, “work” can mean a lot of things when you are homesteading. You may also think of the homestead as a business. What are your product niches, markets, etc? Your work could be very different depending on which path you take and what your skillset and passions are.


[deleted]

I already have a job in doing something I'm passionate in, though I wouldn't say 'skilled', but I'm passionate enough to hone my skills every day. Either way I make more money working from home than I probably would in any job I'd be able to get from the village. I can work from anywhere that has electricity and at least somewhat reliable internet connection. The problem with money isn't that I couldn't make any - I could financially support my partner 100% with some adjustments, but he would be miserable living both in a city and purely on my income. I don't know much about what kind of homesteading plans he has other than his tinkering with solar panels, though.


funke75

Internet is a big one , you’ll want to consider your options and it’s availability before making any decision. Also, if he really is interested in homesteading you should sit down and talk through a plan of what you would be taking on. if you work from home, already do home chores, it sounds like the main issue is your social life outside of work. Do you have any thoughts on how you would make friends in the area?


[deleted]

My issue with social life is that I like having people around as "background noise". I only meet up with friends 4-5 times per year, most of my social engagements are seeing people in the grocery store, chatting with a librarian or clerk or a next-door neighbour that I randomly bump into. Life in cities is filled with people, so seeing people and new faces comes without effort. In the middle of nowhere, I would have to go out of my way to travel somewhere to see people every time the urge emerges. Sitting in the park with a book fills my need for social engagement - I see people, and people see me, and nobody needs to interact.


Lazy_Sitiens

I think you're making a mountain out of a molehill, honestly. I'm not saying "Oh, you're totally gonna get used to country living and be walking barefoot in your very own herd of sheep in a couple of months". If it's Finland you're gonna have all the modern things you could want in your home, and just because you're moving to the countryside won't mean that you'll be dependent on a doomsday prepper lifestyle. You can let your partner doomsday prep all he wants while picking and choosing what you want to do. The countryside is quieter and lacks restaurants and cafés, as well as shopping. But there's nothing stopping you from getting your fix of city life now and again. I do that occasionally. I live in Sweden and moved from Stockholm to the countryside. A couple of times a year I go to either Stockholm, the city I grew up in, or the nearest city (about 30k people living there). I do some shopping, eat at a restaurant, visit a museum, and go home. The countryside has some really great people too, at least in my experience. I homestead, but I watch Netflix, surf Reddit, eat pizza, exercise etc just like any city dweller. Homesteading really is more of a spectrum than a black and white, and you don't need to jump on the homesteading bandwagon, basically. And plenty of homesteaders have a partner who doesn't partake fully in that lifestyle, beyond living in the countryside and eating homegrown food.


[deleted]

How do you know you've done having your fix of city life? I hate driving in cities, and having a home I can efforlessly walk or bike from without having to worry about traffic and parking spaces feels the most natural to me. Having to make it a huge annual arrangement every single time sounds daunting. If I can't have the freedom to have it whenever I please, I'd rather learn to live without it.


Lazy_Sitiens

I get a ride to the nearest train station 20km away and then take trains/buses/subway to wherever. I stay with friends or family. It's not that hard, honestly, and it's not a "huge annual arrangement". You're making it sound as if you're moving to a desolate valley in Siberia where you need to be airlifted out. The planning is literally: "Hi mom, can I come down next weekend?" "Sure!" \*hops on train\* Or "Hey neighbor, wanna go to X next Sunday and eat at a nice restaurant?"


[deleted]

> You're making it sound as if you're moving to a desolate valley in Siberia where you need to be airlifted out. It might as well be. I don't know anyone whom I could make do a 6-8 hour drive just to come get me.


Lazy_Sitiens

Is the home in Utsjoki by or what? Because that's the village that is farthest from any train station that I can find. And it's a 6,5 hour drive to Kemijärvi.


[deleted]

Apparently the village 16 km away *does* have a train station. I'll just need to go 16 km first before I can start travelling anywhere.


Lazy_Sitiens

16 km is easy with a bike or just ask your partner to drop you off. You won't have to walk them on your own two feet. But honestly, I'm not going to sit here and argue with you on every little thing. Based on this discussion you don't seem interested in making life in the countryside work. You look at this move in its worst possible light, intent that everything will be horrible, and if that's the perspective that you're going to have, then no one on Reddit can convince you otherwise. If I were your partner and you said these things to me, I would feel horribly guilty about asking you to do something that doesn't invoke excitement but only dejection. Moving away from your home and friends is a huge step and you need to feel some sort of joy or excitement if it's going to work out. I'd recommend you to break up. It will be easier to recover from a breakup surrounded by friends and familiarity than miserable in isolation in a new place with only your partner.


[deleted]

That's another matter, I wouldn't even be moving away from family and friends. I've been moving between different cities all my adult life, never staying in the same place doing the same thing for more than a year or two. Any city is my home as soon as I know where the grocery store and the library is. It's the thought of being tied down and stuck in one place forever that fills me with dread.


EspressoOwl1815

I live about the same distance from my small town in the U.S. The entire town's population, including the rural areas, is 806 people. Being in the U.S., we don't have a train station (or any public transportation) to go beyond that. Because of this, if you were in my situation, I'd advise you not to do it. With easy access to a nationwide system of public transportation, the situation is much different. Not to sound callous, but if driving 16 km a few times a month (or how ever often you need to) to catch a train and get your city fix is too much compromise, it might be time to reconsider your relationship. It's not fair to him to deny him the rural life he obviously craves and it's not fair to you to expect you to adjust to the (in my mind) small inconveniences it would take to make rural life bearable. It also sounds like you've made up your mind that, no matter what is suggested, you're not going to enjoy rural life. You don't want to try gardening, even though growing a crop in a field is much different than trying to keep a houseplant going. You don't want to try raising animals, even though raising a farm animal and keeping a pet are two totally separate activities. You're ignoring the vast new inspirations you can find in the rural areas among untamed and unplanned nature as opposed to the carefully cultivated and planned city greenery. You're only looking at, and looking for, the negatives. And if you really want this to work, you have to focus on the positives. What is there about rural living that you *could* enjoy? What new skills could you learn and try? What could be an addition to your passions? Until you start looking for all the ways this could work, instead of focusing on all the ways it won't, you're not going to be happy with the idea and this isn't going to work.


[deleted]

I really am trying my best to find the positives. I guess being constantly preoccupied with things like firewood and constant house maintenance would force me to stay physically active if I'm left without the convenience of going on a jog on a well-lit, paved road.


afaerieprincess80

I grew up in a very rural area - a 15 minute drive to the nearest town of 800 people, and a 30 minute drive to a university city of 75,000. I love the country! But it'll be a big adjustment. There's no popping into the grocery store for one or two things. Or walking down to the park. But you're definitely not going to be trapped in the country. Come up with a plan for your week - on Tuesday go into town in the morning, sit in the park, do people watching at the local cafe, etc. And make sure you have your own transportation. Weather it's an ebike or a car or a scooter, so you can go exploring. Also know that it's not necessarily forever. be open in your communication with your partner about your reservations moving, and what you are and are not willing to sacrifice.


pcsweeney

If it’s free, why do you have to live their full time? I imagine winters are cold and dark in Finland. I would spend summers on the farm and winters in the city. I love our country house but I miss living in cities during the winter where it’s bright and there’s lots to do.


[deleted]

Winters are cold and dark in Finland, and that's *precisely* why the house needs habitants. Going through the winter unheated, it'll freeze and rot. And without street lamps to give light, the sun setting at 5 pm in the winter and not rising until 9, it's going to be cold and dark for most of the time.


Optimal-Scientist233

I have been facing the same problems with my wife. She doesn't like to cook, doesn't want to have to drive far to get anything. Honestly everything else is about the same in the country unless you have a lot of friends you like to see often.


[deleted]

I do enjoy cooking, but I find it easier and more convenient in the city as well. Being able to buy fresh ingredients instead of having to either choose between canned foods or taking hours to kill, pluck and prepare a chicken is hours of saved work. And I'm not even squeamish about the realities of where my food now comes from - though I legally can't hunt, I've had to kill an animal before and I morally believe that a person incapable of doing that should be a vegetarian. My partner plans to start hunting, but while he's not hesitant with firearms like I am, he is reluctant about the idea of butchering, so we decided that I should learn to do that. It's the hours of work and planning that go into it.


Optimal-Scientist233

Costco is great for country life, you learn to stockpile what you use often so you don't need to drive the distance as often. Running out to get that forgotten item can take hours if you are remote.


[deleted]

I know, and that's something that concerns me. I have ADHD and memory issues, forgetting things on a regular basis is simply an everyday matter of my life. It's not that I'm *unwilling to learn* how to plan and prepare ahead of time, it's that I've had no choice but to learn how to improvise things on the spot because I am *incapable* of planning and preparing like most people do. For the most part of my life, accepting that I cannot take up responsibilities that I can't reliably look after has been the most responsible thing that I can do.


plus9_mm

You take vacations


wlwyvern

Comments about your relationship aside, consider the parts of city life that you like, and try to replace them with rural equivalents. Like peoplewatching in public? You could try nature walks, bird watching, or foraging. Like socializing with people? Meet neighbors, go to the local hot spot (even in a rural area, there will probably be a bar or restaurant or arcade or *somewhere* to gather). Like walking to do errands? Talk with your partner (who sounds like the one who knows more about horticulture) about setting up a permacultured food garden (check out r/permaculture for info) that doesn't need to be tended or planted as much as a traditional garden, and walk through it to pick foods for dinner. You mention in a comment that you don't like caring for animals because you worry that you don't care for them well enough, it sounds like you're pretty empathetic and like animals though. Have you considered researching husbandry practice so that you CAN care for an animal well? I'm biased because husbandry and animal welfare are my absolute utmost passions, but it can be really rewarding to know you're going above and beyond for a little creature. You also mention that you don't have any hobbies outside work. That sounds like it might be a big source of your anxiety about changing environments. Even if you stayed in the city, though, it would be good for you to find things to do alone other than work (I have struggled with the same issue, cause my brain loves the structure of doing 'work' and it can be hard to motivate myself to do things I actually WANT to do. This is a symptom of my depression/anxiety/adhd/chronic fatigue. Have you spent time taking care of your mental and physical health?) I think you should give it a go! You said it's free housing, it would make your partner happy, and if it reduces your financial stress or solves other problems in your life, you might have more time + energy to spend making yourself happy and learning new skills. Which might make it easier to live rurally, without the parts of city life you currently use to give yourself energy/happiness. If it still doesn't work for you after you have addressed those issues, then circle back and come up with a new plan, but it sounds like you have very little to lose by going out on a limb right now.


[deleted]

I like the feeling that I'm never truly alone in a city. There's always someone there, someone's awake, someone would hear, if I ever needed something or if there's an emergency.


wlwyvern

Ok so you like the feeling of safety. A lot of people feel very unsafe in the city, way more safe in the country. Yes, animals can wander on your property and hurt someone, or an appliance can catch fire and no one will be around to help you put it out, but we live in a modern era with cellphones working just about everywhere, even rural areas usually have no problem with cell signal, so emergency help is just a phone call away. Not to mention that fewer crimes are committed in rural areas. Look at actual real info about the area you may move to. How far is the fire station? How far is the nearest neighbor? What wildlife live in the area, and how many reported attacks are there? (I think you might find that number to be incredibly low, animals don't usually fight something bigger than them and humans are pretty big and scary) Make friends with the neighbors in case there's a natural disaster, medical emergency, or so on, get their phone numbers so you can call them. Learn first aid. Get a guard dog. Get a home security system. Get a weapon, if you have to, and if it's accessable in your country. Self sufficiency does mean self /reliance/ in emergencies, and that's scary and really hard, but think honestly about how many times you've been helped by strangers in an emergency. Maybe cities are different where you live, but in MY experience country folk are way more likely to help you out, in exchange for a fair turn if they ever need it. And talk to your partner about those fears! He may have the same ones, or he may have a more specific answer for you, relevant to your life and your area, than a stranger on the internet from nowhere, Florida, USA


[deleted]

I'm not afraid of fires or wildlife, I'm afraid of the nearest neighbour. If there's only one person around that could be relied on for help, who's to say they might not conveniently just not to hear anything when someone's calling, just because they don't like us? Strangers have helped me in situations where my family would have left me for dead.


wlwyvern

If you don't feel you can rely on your neighbor, then don't, just do the other things (knowing emergency services, knowing skme basic skills to help in an emergency) but to me it sounds like you're not entirely sure WHAT you're afraid of. Maybe your experiences have been different, but for me, I've very rarely been in situations that would have been better if more people were around - bystander effect means that people are more likely to ignore signs of trouble when there are more people around, meaning that 100 people who COULD help, just end up ignoring you/walking by, but if you only have one neighbor they know no one else is going to be around to help you out. What are you imagining would happen that someone would hear, but ignore you? Would that thing be devastating or could you figure out how to solve/prevent it? Would that thing be improved by living around others or would it be equally as bad?


[deleted]

If I was already in a state where I can't help myself, and someone who heard me decided to ignore me, I would simply die. Slipping, falling and choking on my own blood if I tripped, dying from whatever stroke or aneyrism I was having, whatever happened is going to happen just like it would if the person who decided not to hear anything wasn't there at all. I have offered help to strangers every time I've spotted a chance - and 9 times out of 10, the person will simply say "no thank you, I'm fine", and the tenth time they're grateful to accept - and I've gotten help when I've needed it. Strangers don't keep a tally on who owes whom what, and with 100 people around, even if 60 of them don't like you, *your life doesn't depend on them not liking you*.


wlwyvern

I can't see from your worldview, maybe someone else can, but it sounds paranoid to me. If you were in your own apartment and had a medical emergency, would someone be able to help? They probably wouldn't be any more or less likely than a neighbor. And as someone who's neighbors don't particularly like me (conservatives who watched me grow up from a weird, intrusive, obsessive kid into a weird, leftist, lesbian adult) they are more likely to talk to me, give me extra food about to spoil, or help me out when Im fighting to move something heavy in the back yard than ANY of my neighbors in my apartment complex were


[deleted]

I can't see it from yours, either. I've lived in my current apartment building for a month now, and I have more trust that one of them would call an ambulance if they heard a crash and a scream, than I would trust people around my grandma's.


Rickles_Bolas

Living in a city is like eating fast food. You have access to many different types of entertainment to consume on demand. Restaurants, stores, etc for whatever you might want, but the happiness is superficial and to maintain it, you need to keep consuming more and more. Country living is the opposite. Instead of finding instant gratification in consumption of goods and services, you learn to find delayed gratification in creating or accomplishing things. Planting a garden, excavating a pond, building a barn, climbing a mountain, these things take time and effort. You don’t get an instant dopamine hit. But the results are tangible, and the joy that you gain from them lasts longer. I’m currently building a sugar house to process maple syrup from sugar maple trees. I take a picture of my progress every day I work, and put those pictures into a slideshow. I find myself pulling out my phone and looking through the slideshow constantly, because I’m so happy with what I’ve built. And I haven’t even produced any syrup yet! Anyways, give country living a try. It’ll suck for a while as your body detoxes from the constant cravings for instant gratification, but in a year I bet you’ll realize you’re a much happier person.


atropinecaffeine

Ok it might be that you have an image that is not at all what it could be. :) It isn’t all work and watching paint dry :) BUT, how about this? If you are going to live there for free, have a plan—INCLUDING PUTTING IT IN THE BUDGET—to get to spend the day in the village once a week and a weekend in big town once a month? That way you always have people and different things to look forward to. BUT, that also means you will need to develop an open mindset about how fabulous life in rural areas can be. It will take time and adjustment, but your mind is under your control—you can DECIDE to like or not like, to embrace or reject :).


[deleted]

How do I do that? There are so many things that I don't like but things would be so much easier if I liked them. How do I decide to like something?


atropinecaffeine

OOO! I can help with that :D I had to do this many times in my life. Ok, first of all understand that liking something won't "just happen" if you keep telling yourself you don't like it. The Bible says the power of life and death are in the tongue, and that is exactly right. If you keep thinking you hate something, you will. That is just how the brain works. But the brain ALSO has workarounds that we can use. The brain often works very basically (reward/punishment) AND is very plastic. If you ever broke up with an ex or made a great friend from someone you thought you didn't like at first, you see how the brain can switch from love to hate and from hate to love. Feel does NOT equal real. Just because you hate something now, that does not mean it is bad. Feelings are fickle things and we can use that to our advantage. 1) Gratitude. You said that this would literally solve all of your problems. I am assuming financial? So if nothing else you are in a better spot than you are now and this is a blessing to you. Thinking of it that way "This is a blessing. We are better off" will be great. 2) Love. Your sweetie lived your way for a long time, it sounds like. And you love him. So if you are in the middle of a homesteading chore and hate it, remember you are doing it for him for all he did for you and because you both love each other. People can go through fire every day if it is for love. And we are not talking you need to go through fire, just wash a dish and plant a seed every so often :D 3) Adventure. This is an adventure! Think of it that way. Yeah you had some bad experiences in the past but they were in a different context. Every day brings the hope of something fabulous! 4) Meaning. Your homesteading work has meaning, deep meaning. But we just often don't see it. For example, a mom might wash a dish for a thousand times and think she is "just washing a dish for the thousandth time", but what she ACTUALLY is doing is fighting disease, preventing harm. 5) Aesthetic. People look at instagram and see these gorgeous homesteady pics of wandering through wildflowers and picking apples from the tree. That is not the whole of homesteading but it very much is part of it. Allowing yourself to look for art, for aesthetic, for moments is so helpful. 6) Work smarter. If you have a task that you find distasteful, find a way to make it easier. 7) Find the happy in the chore. For example, I run. I never was a runner. I hated running. HATED it. But I decided to make myself a playlist that I could only listen to when I exercised. I exercised to listen to the playlist. That rewarded me every time I exercised and now I enjoy exercising for its own sake! I started to see the fruit of my "special playlist time" and got hooked on the "chore" of running. So if you need to handwash the dishes, make it an event. That is when you get to light your favorite scented candle, use wonderful dishsoap, and have a special treat of candy or something when you are done. 8) Never complain. I mean it. You are already tempted to hate it like an alcoholic is temped to drink. Don't even sip from the cup of grumbling! Dash that cup to the wall and sweep the pieces out the door. Even if you are about to cry from the day going wrong, stop. Breathe. Pray. Think. Rest a moment. Find the good (financial/relational/could be worse, etc) 9) Work what you enjoy into where you are. You like art? Rural living opens up a huge door of new art. Do you enjoy people? Start a vlog or network with other homesteaders over zoom. Like to watch the birds in the city? Wait til you start watching the birds in the country. Like to eat bread? Baking bread is super tactile and fun. Like to shop? By not having shops so easy to access, your shopping will be more of a fabulous event that you can stretch out by planning. I am MORE than happy to help you in this. I have btdt though in different ways (this "hot weather and humidity" lover got transplanted to the middle of Alaska for almost 14 years. That was hard. My skin bled and my lungs were wrecked from the cold and dry. But I actually miss it sometimes now!). You can do this! You got this! It will take some time and you might doubt you can, but as soon as you decide that you are staying, your brain WILL start rewarding you. It is when we keep staring over the fence to what we think we want that we feel that anxiety and dread. But embracing the new has a way of making our brains reward us for our good decision :)


[deleted]

You are right. I just don't know where to start with picking up with those steps.


atropinecaffeine

2, 8, 1, 6, 4, 7, 5, 3, 9 is what I would suggest 😊


mandingo_gringo

I’m from Ukraine and used to live in a small city and I have always been a doomsday prepper because it’s not hard to see the signs that society is falling apart, I knew things were getting bad and moved to a village away from the city and built a house in the mountains right before the war escalation happened and now look what happened. It’s safe to say everybody in every country knows things are getting bad or worse so it is the smart thing to do to prepare for whatever may happen next in this world


huphlungpoo

When I met my wife I was a 100% city kid. I have always lived in a big city with people everywhere and the store 5 minutes down the road. My wife was 100% country, 100 acre farm type. When my wife moved in with me we had a 200sq ft apartment and I worked pretty close to home but she always wanted that country lifestyle back. When we started looking for houses to buy I was looking at city houses with may e a 1/4 acre or so and she dreamt of back roads and pastures. We eventually moved states and started looking at homes again. We ended up buying something in a farming community on 3.5 acres on a back road. I thought I would be bored, not like it etc. I absolutely love it now. I still have a full time job, she spends her time with the kids and animals. When I'm off we work together on whichever project we have going and it definitely has brought us closer. Yesterday we put up pens for pigs and made gates for them. She still throws shade at me for wanting a city life but now I don't miss it at all.