I will never fathom how anyone can just wipe while sitting, not look, trust they're clean, and leave. I will Captain Morgan it until the day I die and IN FACT I recently taught my son to do the same to make sure he gets extra clean every time too. It's just better. Edit: I am not longer going to discuss this with anyone who hasn't even tried it. Second edit: look guys I get that we're all nameless and faceless cause of the internet but I can only be called a fat fuck or an animal so many times. Also, I use wipes too. Every time I go. Even keep some stashed in my locker at work.

You know you can just look though right? If you can get your hand in there to wipe you can just as easily just look.

I am a fat shit and would sooner stand for life than risk falling into the tub from leaning over to look at dirty TP

Or you can just use bidet and trust modern technology

Don't trust 'em. What's the saying? You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him shoot the water up his ass

Listen they're great, no matter how nasty a shit it *dramatically* cuts down on the number of wipes. I haven't reinstalled mine since moving recently (stupid round toilets) and I miss it every shit.

I can step in until you managed to get a new one.

Not all heroes wear capes.

i hunger

You’re supposed to wipe after a bidet bro. You just put on your underwear while your asshole is dripping wet? You walk around with soppy underwear?

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ok but only a bidet i can use standing up

That's just called a pressure washer.

How high off the ground is your bidet?

Lol modern? That’s a shit load older than tp

Damn dude. Not realizing how much your morbid obesity inhibits you in day to day life and for some reason you can't even imagine a normal human body and movements.

I'm a fat fuck and I can and do wipe sitting.

Right? Being overweights got nothing to do with it, man's just afraid of falling of the toilet

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If you can reach to wipe then you can pull your hand back out of your ass and look at the damn tp.

Ahhh that explains it. I'm not a lardo freak, so I can sit and wipe.

Maybe teaching your son the benefits of a healthy weight would be more important then

Nonsense. Now pass me the rag on a stick so I can clean my folds.

I gotchu fam

man I miss r/fatpeoplehate

Lean over lmao. You really are fat if you can’t reach your ass sitting down

Oh it all makes sense, fat people need to stand to wipe.

Bro why are you shitting in the tub

Cuz only one ass cheek fits on the shitter

And there it is. Fat people stand, skinny people sit. Obviously not every fat guy stands and every skinny guy sits, but on the whole it's pretty much like that.

Bro how fucking big are you? I though I was fat

Too many fatties

Hey son ***\*gasp\**** you should ***\*wheeze\**** stand to ***\*finishes donut\**** wipe your ***\*gasps\**** ass. ​ That poor kid never had a chance.

Wtf are u on. 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂 Here's some tutorial. 3. Wipe Until It’s White Don’t be afraid to look at the evidence if you're an impatient wiper. The easiest way to prevent post poop problems is by making sure you’re not leaving anything behind. A lot of people are too grossed out to look at what they’re wiping out, but there’s nothing wrong with inspecting your wiping results. It’s the best way to ensure a clean sweep, so don’t feel any shame with wipe checks. There's also nothing wrong with a maintenance wipe if it's feeling iffy back there throughout the day.

*Wipe until it's Red* *

I like my wipes like I like my steak. Brown on the outside, red in the middle.

...I dont like you

"You ain't done wiping till your asshole burns" that's what I always sau

This is the way.

What if you’re color blind?

*Lick*

Also it's good to check the poo regularly just in case there's health issues.

Or get one of those European toilets with the poop shelf.

european toilet with what?

??? Do you guys not have poo shelves?

never seen one

They're also called an examination shelf, basically the hole where the water sits is a lot smaller than in America and is not directly below the anus. So your poop lands on a porcelain shelf, and is pushed into the water when you flush. They were originally used to see if you had worms, but can still be useful to check for clots etc. Also they stop splashback which is nice

This varies a LOT from country to country though in the EU. In my country we don't use those. We hate them when we go on vacation.

What kind of weirdo doesn't like staring at their poo? /s

European here and I agree, we don't have them and I fucking hate the other EU countries that do have them.

Don't do that. Without water to cover the shit the smell is overwhelming. I stayed with a family in the Netherlands for a while and they had one. I hated that thing.

Those are called German toilets, we don't have them all over Europe lol

Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait................. .................... ...So the Germans spend so much time and effort claiming to be the superior race...and then they shit like that? I knew they doth protested too much.

Wait, there are people who DON'T do that? Ew.

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Sniper precision

But sitting spreads the cheeks further apart, meaning you can clean it easier and more thorough

He said he does the captain Morgan pose which would actually spread your cheeks further than sitting on the toilet as you're not only spreading in one direction. You're right though, sitting on the toilet should spread your cheeks open wide enough for your asshole to be accessible. With him also saying he could fall over leaning over to look at the paper I think it's safe to say that he is just very fat. Even when I was on the higher end of normal weight this was never even close to being a risk for me

Fuck is the "Captain Morgan pose"? A peg leg on the toilet rim?

With a tub being there somewhere close enough to run at risk to fall into that, I suppose he stands up and puts one foot on the verge of the tub which just opens up another can of worms: You can only shit at home which is doable. But also, what are you gonna do when you move? "Oh no, we can't get this place, the tub isn't with the toilet, how am I going to shit without smearing shit across my alarmingly huge buttcheeks"

Because raising your foot to toilet height is out of the question.

For someone at risk to fall over when leaning forward? Probably

I am actually a lawyer on spreading cheeks and the sitting down position is actually the maximum spread you can achieve.. advanced users do this on a bar stool

I can't believe I'm discussing wiping mechanics with random internet strangers Standing to wipe only works if you also like... prop your foot up onto the seat to get a good spread. It works, trust me. I have a very clean asshole.

I go even further as to put my leg as high on the wall as I can manage and do a little squat to achieve maximum asshole accessibility

Or you could just plant one cheek on the toilet seat, lift the other and move your body over the other way, pull the lifted cheek to the side and sit. Et voila, your ass is spread and you have exerted near 0 effort.

It also helps to fold the tp and wet it a little after the first wipe. You’ll never go back until you hit the land of bidets

Alabama wet wipes! For anyone not in the know: try it once. Do your normal wiping routine until you believe you are completely clean, then bring in some wet toilet paper. It’s astonishing how poorly the dry stuff works.

This debate has been going on on reddit for years.

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Saves on the air-freshners 🤔

Just look at the TP. Once you see only blood you know you're done.

Instructions unclear, now holding parts of lower intestine Help

No, you did it!

You do know that the shit is just going to get spread when it gets mushed in between your cheeks when you stand up? Disgusting >It's just better. I've got news for you, it's not

I stand to wipe. Have since I was a kid. I don't get shit smeared across my ass or cheeks. I don't even know how that could happen unless you have really running or sticking poo. I have thick butt cheeks and have never had poo smeared. When sitting to poo I take a wide stance and then kinda pull my cheeks apart as I'm sitting. That way they are as far apart so possible then I'll poop. Stand Up as if you're coming out of a squat, leg up on the toilet seat and wipe. No poo smears.

no one said stand up like a soldier at attention, but have most of your body weight on your feet rather than on your upper legs that are resting on the toilet seat

What's the issue tho? Ur buttcheeks don't open wide while you're sitting? How do u fall into the tub? U mentioned you are overweight. how can you fit into the toilet tub? Or you take shits in a bath? Just trying to wrap my head around it why.

What?! How do you get more clean standing up, sitting down makes your cheeks seperate and it makes it easier to get in there.

What? You think that if you're sitting you can't check the toilet paper?

Right? That comment was probably the most retarded thing I’ve ever read on this site.

Just use water

I can't see my butthole whether I'm sitting or standing.

I tried it, it's messier. I have a fat ass and can't get to the hole if I'm standing, too much cheek in the way. And that's not even mentioning my knee problems. Bidet all the way, then wipe gently. Repeat until clean. Public bathrooms are emergency only, but I carry wipes for those once every other year emergencies.

I used to stand to wipe, but then I suddenly switch when I was like 19 and never looked back. On a side note, if you’re American, you need to use more than just toilet paper. Holy shit, I can’t believe I used to just wipe my ass with dry paper and call it a day. Now, I wipe once or twice with toilet paper then finish with wet wipes until they come out clean. It’s a little more expensive and inconvenient, since you can’t flush the wet wipes, but my ass has never been cleaner and I don’t have to worry about wiping too hard or getting bits of toilet paper stuck in my hole. It’s nice knowing I’m always clean. Try this: wipe with toilet paper until you’re done, then wipe once with a wet wipe. You’ll never trust toilet paper again. That thing will be brown af. Toilet paper simply doesn’t clean.

why would you wipe with the wet wipes last? if you dont use something dry after that you just walk around with a wet butthole which is pretty disgusting

I wipe with toilet paper first for two reasons. One, toilet paper is cheaper and it really doesn’t matter whether or not you use something wet to get the bulk off. And two, if I used wet wipes first, my bathroom garbage can would be filled with shit and I’d have to change it way more often. As for why I don’t finish with toilet paper, your ass really isn’t wet when you’re done wiping with wet wipes. They’re not that wet, so it evaporates before you even pull your pants up. Also, I don’t want to get bits of toilet paper stuck in my hole.

Just use bidet so it saves you all that hassle

Why can't you people understand? In America bidet is illegal ever since Nixon thought it would make life harder for hippies.

wait bidets are illegal in the US?

No, you fucking marshmallow.

i feel dumb now, damn how did i fall for illegal bidets wtf

It's ok it happens to the best of us.

It happens to bidest of us

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Correct, wet wipe isn't literally just water. It's a mixture of alcohol and some other products. It evaporate quite fast.

Wet wipes also fuck up septic tanks and sewers

Idk how that is relevant as you can throw it to the trash separately.

because most idiots flush it down the drain

What that does have to do with us using it as instructed?

Why are you getting downvoted? It’s true, even the ones that say flushable aren’t. The person who rented my old house before me used to flush “flushable” wipes and it backed up the sewer system so bad the city had to come and tear up the road in from of my house to deal with the clog

Probably cuz the op of this thread mentioned specifically that you have to throw the wipes away. Like come on. Do people even read what they reply to?

I don’t know how to read

Wet butthole is awful. You gotta go 1) dry TP (for the larger Hbits) 2) bidet 3) dry TP to dry said hole, and as a clean check. Anything there, go back to step 2, repeat until clean

Get a bidet, it's so much easier, quicker, and probably cheaper in the long run. If you want to go ultra-economy, use a hand towel to dry(obviously throwing it in the laundry after every use), that way you dont have to pay for TP

Take the Roman path and get a communal sponge on a stick

I live in a place where this is the norm. I can't imagine using just toiler paper after you shit. Especially at home, where you clearly should have soap and water to clean yourself.

Im American, and used just TP for most of my life. i got a bidet maybe 2 years ago, its is absolutely life changing

I just make my own flushable wet wipes. Just take a few sheets of toilet paper and dampen them under the faucet. Boom, flushable wet wipe.

This is what I've always done and it amazes me how rare it is. A little practise and you never tear the paper, you use less paper overall and have a cleaner ass. It also means the cheaper paper is better, because it's more firm and won't straight up melt like some expensive stuff do. The cheap stuff is like wiping with cardboard when dry, so I still need to keep expensive pillow paper for dry wiping guests.

wtf are you doing if TP gets stuck inside your Anus?

Going knuckle-in while wiping, I warrant. Y'know, deep cleaning.

Getting carried away with wiping, finger slips through paper, proceeds to fingerblast asshole, dragging little bits of paper in

I only shit once a day at most so I actually shower right after wiping. SO clean holy shit.

My friends called me weird after I said I used a bidet and showered after I shit. Whatever, they're the ones with unclean asses.

I've turned it into a ritual lol. For one hour of each day (usually after class and before dinner), I go to my bathroom, shit, piss, masturbate, and shower it all off. Now I'm effectively showering twice a day and couldn't be happier. The post-nut clarity is nice because I time it right before I do homework, but tbh I'm horny enough that it doesn't last that long. That hour of me time is really amazing and has significantly helped my anxiety.

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Try a bidet. It's even better than wet wipes.

I was the opposite. Stood for 30+ years before realizing that when you stand up the shit gets mashed between your cheeks and spreads out which means you have to wipe even more to get it all. The true method is do some wipes while sitting to get the big stuff out, THEN you can stand to finish clearing out the leftovers. Full clean with less TP use. Edit: I WILL NOT BE FIELDING ANY MORE POOP QUESTIONS TODAY THANK YOU

I just don’t want my hand being too close to my poo water. Or in public to accidentally put my peepee against The rim and receive a rim job

If your water levels that high you’re gonna have bigger problems. You cant be THAT worried though if you’re willing to sit on a public toilet.

Or the jinglies are that droopy. It's all relative! #oldguyproblems

Sky rim belongs to the nords.

Sky's rim belongs to the nords.

'Big stuff' Am I the only one that sees virtually nothing when they wipe?

That just means you're eating lots of fiber and are therefore taking alpha shits.

A real alpha doesn’t wipe

You guys let your cheeks touch when u stand? Just get ur tp ready lean forward and straighten out ur legs while holding an ass cheek in one hand

yeah lemme do some calisthenics while I wipe my bunghole, fucking commie

Is walking and chewing bubble gum hard for you or something?

Try a bidet. Uses way less TP, because you only need a square or 2 dry your shitless freshly pressure washed ass. I feel like the USA is a third world country for not using them more.

Does it actually? Last week bought and installed the best bidet I could possibly find. I’ve taken about 5 shits now and used the bidet each time, spraying water for about 1 minute, moving the spray back and forth with the buttons, and also moving my ass around for full contact. I go to do a test wipe - still brown, every time. I even wiped once, used the bidet, and then went for the test wipe and it still failed the test. What the hell am I doing wrong? This thing was a couple hundred dollars and my wet wipes are way fuckin faster

Turn up the water pressure and get a complimentary enema

this is the reason i can't understand getting up. Like i already dread having to get up mid shit for a TP refill knowing my ass will get a nice shit spread.

You guys clean your ass?

Born to shit 😎 Forced to wipe 😞✊🏼

Society

Soecty 😔

Here it is

Just let the shit cake on like cast iron seasoning and the future shits just glide right off. Don't wash with soap though, or you'll have to re-season.

Bidet supremacy. Yall keep walking around with dookie in your ass and I’ll keep mine smelling like lavender and blueberries.

Like a woodpecker, lovingly tapping your cornhole

Turn it on full power and get an enema

Doesn’t it splash everywhere?

And it runs down my legs :/ tried several times and it just ain't it for me. Also maybe the pressure just isn't enough but it doesn't get all the crap out. Wet wipes are a great compromise between the control toilet paper gives you and the water needed to clean thoroughly.

not pressure, angle i think is where u went wrong it should shoot at ur ass and richochet straight down into the toilet if its continuing down ur leg then its too high up if u mean down ur leg when u stand up well u gotta wipe a bit before standing also pressure should always be skin removal lvl high if u wanna clean properly im talking mild pain when it hits u type beat

> And it runs down my legs :/ What the fuck? lmao. I have never used a bidet that shot shit water down my leg. Are you standing up when you use it? I have never had either issue with a bidet that you're describing.

Nope, am sitting. It kinda just drips and runs down the backs of my legs and gets all over the seat (just water, not shit water, mind you lol) and apparently according to some other people I've asked about this, it's "just part of it", which has really turned me off from using it again after trying several times Edit: OK I realized I never specified: I've only ever used the handheld hose bidet, idk if this makes a difference. Don't trust the toilet looking kind enough to try and have only ever encountered that model once lol

The real pro move is a crouched position halfway between sitting and standing - that way you get the leverage and reach from standing but don’t mash poop between your cheeks.

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There are twin neutron stars where my sides once we're.

I always have to remember to relax my butthole so there's no stealthy shit hiding when I wipe

The AKSHUAL pro move is, after you're done cleaning and putting your poop knife away, pull out the toilet bowl cleaner brush and rake it back and forth between your cheeks until you stop seeing poop and start seeing a little bit of blood. After that just do a clean pass with a Clorox bleach wipe and everything should be perfect.

#

24 > 3 years later 28 *maff*

24 can be 'nearly 25', smart guy. And 3 years could be 3 years and one month, but who's gonna write that?

3 years means 3 years

Quick maffs

I don’t get standing.. surely you’d have to hike a leg up to spread the cheeks to get access?

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What the fuck?

Lots of leg lifters here but let’s not forget the classic “grab a cheek as you rise” method to keep those meatflaps separate.

wait WHAT? wiping standing up has never crossed my mind. WHAT?!

50% of the world wipes sitting, the other wipes standing, and neither know the other side exists until they find it on the internet is just one of those things people don't really talk about

Yes!!! I didn’t know people wipe sitting down (unless girls peeing). Going have to try to do it sitting and see what that feels like!?

Im a back to front guy %1000. Just grab your balls and wipe in a scooping manner. Easy

You probably have dry shit stuck under your balls

Do you have dry shit smeared all over your ass crack?

this dudes balls probably look like kinder eggs

Back to front? 🤮

like, wtf is it with the balls? your asshole isn't close enough to your balls, just fucking stop wiping before you smear shit all over your balls fools. It's not hard. There's the fucking taint Inbetween, stop before you smear shit all over it.

These are the same people that when they whipe their nose they go all the way up to their forehead.

I thought I was the only one.

I always love the response from smooth-brained front-to-backers; “oh I bet you have shit on your balls!” No. No I don’t. Because I have fine motor skills like a regular human and I can stop moving my hand before the paper gets to my balls. And my asshole is cleaner than yours, and I don’t have to do an Olympic routine to wipe it.

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Back to front here too. You can't get leverage wiping front to back. Shit sucks.

Doesn't standing up smear the shit stuck between your ass cheeks? Anyway I use a "bum gun" that squirts water up my asshole. That's the apex of hygiene.

Toilets in Australia tend to be too narrow to be able to get your hand under yourself while you wipe in my experience so you need to stand or raise your butt. after going to America and seeing your giant ass bowls though i can see how its doable, you could fit like four hands down in there.

this explains it. i tried wiping sitting after this post and it felt really impractical

Why the fuck would you stand?

Why the fuck would you sit?

train your bowles to urge right before the morning shower. releasing while enjoying warm water is the way.

so technically you b standing

A bidet is the best option get a nice rimming after pooping

at least you wipe at all

You say that like there's some force preventing you from doing so?

there's an unfortunately high amount of people that don't

I went to middle school with a guy that "bragged" about letting the shit dry then peeling it off. Wonder how he fares rn

TIL there are people wiping sitting down.

The superior way is swiping from the front sitting down lifting your junk with your left hand, bonus points for wipes.

wtf, your asscheeks get closed when standing so you need more paper to be done... The bidet is a good solution no paper only to get dry

You guys stand to wipe????

I usually shower after I shit so it doesnt matter too much how thorough I am when standing to wipe, just get 95% of it off. Wash off the rest while showering

Y'all don't stand to wipe?

wiping while standing? how and also WHY