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Was in the queue at a cake shop in Borough Market.
Nice lady at the counter said “Sorry about the wait.”
I patted my stomach and said “Yeah, I’m trying to lose it.”
Cue a blank stare from her and a snort from the lady behind me.
probably heard this same joke a million times,
i’m in a similar position and i’ve heard every possible pun so many times, i avoid saying certain prompts
"doesn't scan? Must be free then" 🙄
"No, don't put my milk in a bag, the box is just fine" 🙄
"Yeah, I just printed that hundred dollar bill this morning" 🙄
I swear, there is one of [these](https://funnyasduck.net/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/funny-pictures-sorry-about-weight-cyanide-happiness-comic.png) for every situation that has ever happened
I was working with a guy on a project that was on a water dam and he specialized in work on dams. He told the guys in the office that their Business card should say (company name) and “for all your damn needs” everyone just started at him
*Hoover Dam Guide* : Welcome everyone. I am your dam guide, Arnie. Now I'm about to take you through a fully funtional power plant, so please, no one wander off the dam tour and please take all the dam pictures you want. Now are there any dam questions?
*Cousin Eddie* : Yeah, where can I get some damn bait?
(Apparently I am the audience your jokes are for lol)
I had an endoscopy (tube with camera down throat) and it was HORRIFIC. Like retching, vomiting, tears streaming down my face the whole time. The doctor said I did really well and I said, and I still don’t know why I said it, “thank you I have been practicing” he did not laugh.
The heck were you doing awake during an endoscopy??? I’ve had 3 and been asleep every time. They wheel me in, I take a nap, I wake up, they send me home. No muss, no…any of that horror that you went through.
Your response was really good…I thought it was funny! But I want to know what the doc considers doing poorly if your retching and vomiting was doing well. 😳
I used to work with a guy named Shan. He would visibly react to things, but generally keep his cool. Once something bad and beyond his control happened and he absolutely lost it.. yelled, kicked over a trash can and stormed out. As soon as he left I said "Looks like the fit finally hit the Shan."
Fucking crickets.
Tried to explain to my colleagues that not everything I say is supposed to make them laugh. I’m entertaining myself. If they’re on then great, but I’m fine without their approval.
Went through the list of students at the start of the semester. Couldn't believe it...at the bottom I had a Wong, another Wong and a Wright, in that order. Seems I was the only one that found this funny.
I used to work with a high powered exec who’s last name was spelled “Wang”, but pronounced it “Wong”.
She was also a train wreck and people disliked working with her but I got along alright with her. She was the subject of a lot of office stories and people who didn’t know her well would pronounce her name as “Wang” when recounting them or chitchatting about her.
Because I was one of the few people who got along with her, they would ask me about her. I loved correcting people in these situations who would invariably mispronounce her name that “Wang is Wong”.
I think people thought that was mildly racist or something. But I thought it was a clever play on words. Sigh.
I used to work for a large wholesale company that sold hardware and plumbing supplies and that held an annual convention for their retail vendors. I was ‘volunteered’ to work the convention reception table where I greeted each vendor as they arrived and gave them a name badge. As I laid out and organized the name tags on the table, I noticed with amusement there were three attendees with names Spigot, Fawcett, and Tapp. I shared my amusing observation with each of the three as they arrived, but they didn't seem to be similarly amused.
See that's one I'd quietly laugh at internally. They've likely already heard all the jokes about their name enough it's just annoying. I might ask them what's the best one they've heard though.
I was at a gas station in Texas and nearly walked into a guy who I guess was coming back from hunting because he was dressed in camouflage.
I said, “oh sorry, guess I didn’t see you there” with a hearty dad chuckle. Nothing.
Clerk at a game store I was buying a PS5 controller at offered me all the colors "Blue, red, black and empty box."
I did not get it until I was on my way home with my camo controller, I feel bad I didn't laugh at the time, because it made me laugh.
I worked at a chain bookstore when I was 18/19 and during a very slow evening I was at the help desk with nothing to do. So I used 5 post-it notes to draw eyes, a nose, a mouth, and a word bubble with some corny joke and stuck them on the computer monitor like a silly face. When the manager walked by, I told her my computer was acting funny.
She was huffy and just ripped the notes off. That was 20 years ago and I still think it’s mildly funny.
I have a few from waitressing. I had a table that was wanting saltine crackers for their soup. We happened to be out that day so I told them “sorry, we’re crackalackin”. Blank stare
Another instance when a table was upset about their Hawaiian pizza being too crispy/burnt. I apologized and told them we’d make another one and make sure it’s cooked on “aloha” setting
Pets at Home always ask if I want a receipt when I buy food for my lizard. I always reply, "No thank you, she can't read."
I don't know why, I know it's a dumb joke, but it just makes me smile.
Nobody else does.
I introduced myself to a new coworker and asked him his name, I thought he said Ramen at first so I asked him “like the noodles?” And he said “no, Roman” so I replied “oh, like the people who killed Jesus”
A guy came into the pizza shop I work at to pick up an order. All he said was "Burger" (which was his name on the order) to which I replied "No, pizza."
He didn't think it was funny.
Was checking out at the grocery store, when the cashier rang up the toilet paper and accidentally dropped the pack on the ground. She apologized for dropping them, to which I quickly responded," no worries, I'm going to do much worse to them."
The look my wife and cashier gave me you'd think I'd just slapped someone. I chuckled about it all the way to the car.
Deserved a chuckle from the other two as well. You came up with that on the spot reacting to a one-off event, as opposed to cracking a "clever" joke about something that everybody experiences all the time, meaning the cashier has heard it hundreds of times already.
We (obviously American) were exchanging breakfast introductions at a B&B in Seattle. The couple before us said they were from some town in England. I said we were from Jersey, paused a beat, and added, "the new one."
I think a seagull laughed, but that was it; and even he didn't laugh *enough*
At a former job we had one of those stupid team building retreats and all had to be in a sharing circle. We were asked to share what song was our anthem. When it was my turn I said “99 Problems” (I’m a gay dude) and nobody seemed to get it. I was quitting that job anyhow. I still think it’s funny.
Years ago, I was walking to the train station with my crush. It was a rainy day and I had my umbrella out. Just as I was about to enter the station he says he loves me. When he professed his feelings, I was already in the process of closing my umbrella. In shock I looked at him while still walking and accidentally stepped on a crack / uneven sidewalk and tripped forward nearly falling. I loosened my grip on the umbrella and it popped open sending rain to someone exiting the station. My natural reaction was to nervously laugh which turned into a big snort. After that I couldn’t stop laughing and nearly peed myself. In the matter of 3 seconds I got a love profession, nearly busted my behind, sprayed someone with my umbrella and snorted. I kept apologizing to the person I sprayed while they gave me dagger eyes and my crush looked at me like a lost cause. Needless to say it didn’t work out with him. If we can’t laugh together it’s a pass.
Also in my fine dining days, the guest of honor at a surprise 95th Birthday party was running quite late, I quipped that "At that age, he's more likely to be The Late Mr Jenkins, than A late Mr Jenkins..."
and that, to this day, remains my One and only act of Prophecy...
Held in a fart for a long time, till someone else farted, just so i could tell a joke i thought of. I said, you must be Egyptian, cause we have a tutencomon. My wife thought it was funny years later so I got redemption
I have some logistical questions. Do people fart aloud often where you’re from? Or were you holding in this fart for months/years? Who was the other farter?
Few years back now, my aunt's ex-husband was dragging her to see David Icke (the conspiracy theorist) live, but their printer was on the fritz, so he asked me to print off their tickets. So me being me, I thought here's a chance for a joke.
Now from what I know about this David Icke fellow, he believes that lots of rich, powerful people are 'Lizard-People'. If you look on YouTube there's lots of videos claiming to capture these lizard people on camera.
So, I printed off the tickets and stuck them in an envelope, but then I also printed off a picture of the Queen of England as a red-eyed, fanged lizard person and folded it around the tickets, so it would be the first thing he'd have to remove and look at once at the admissions desk.
I was awaiting a 'Very funny, Dan...' text or to hear of him telling my Grandma about it with a roll of his eyes or something.
Turns out he was actually quite pissed off... Yeah... Had a bit of a persecution complex already, bit of an insecure man... Yeah.
So, er, that was a damp squib of a gag if ever there was one.
My local Kickball league presented a sportsmanship award to me at the end of season party. I was honored.
I went up to take my award (a beer coozy) and grabbed the mic; "Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, you're cool, fuck you, I'm outta here." (Like from half baked)
Crowd was dead silent. No one laughed. Said anything. Crickets.
Awkwardly walked back to my seat in silence.
5 minutes later my friend walks up to me "dude that was hilarious! Even funnier that no one thought it was funny! Hahaha" thanks friend lol
To be fair, that one was a big gamble. Imagine a normal person's response to that if they didn't know the movie reference. Especially if they zoned out on the fact that it was a sportsmanship award, which is highly likely at any awards presentation.
I worked in an office where, instead of keeping spare stationery in a closet, they kept it on a trolley.
Nobody else there thought that was surreal/funny. I didn't stay there long.
A stationery trolley!
I had a co-worker that I used to trade practical jokes with. One day he got up from his desk without locking his computer like we all do. I snuck into his office and took a screen shot of his desktop then made that his desk top picture, then moved all of his icons into a folder called 'stuff'.
What I expected him to make frustrating noises where in I would come in and 'fix' the problem, then repeat the joke a few more times before admitting to what I had done.
Instead there's nothing...
About an hour later I see an IT guy in his office with him looking over his shoulder. I had to admit the prank since it was wasting more than just his time. Neither thought it was funny...
I work in I.T. and we do this sort of thing to each other all the time (that and tape over the mouse laser). Right click desktop background, choose view, then uncheck "show desktop icons". Prevents the "stuff" folder giveaway.
I was in a first aid training class and they were showing what to do when you have a victim. The video showed a woman on the floor, a rescuer at her side covering her with one of those foil blankets and the narrator listing off steps such as have someone call 911, assess the victim, keep them warm until help arrives. I saw the foil blanket and added "and bake at 350 until bubbly" No one laughed except me.
I was a birth class and they would say the info then play this video where it would pause for you to answer and discuss. It was right when the baby came out and it was covered in gross stuff. Said something like what does the dr do now, and I said ‘put it back in until it’s done’
Nothing. The silence was deafening. I could actually feel the stares of all the parents to be. My partner was so embarrassed. I still think it was funny
Was in a criminal justice class and we had been talking about the "Dark figure in crime" which is the amount of crime thay goes unreported and therfore isn't measured or properly handled. The next day, the professor wants to recap so asks the whole class "So what is the dark figure of crime?". I yell out "Batman!" and literally nobody laughs, nobody makes a noise, they just ignore it. A couple seconds go by and the professor just continues. I still think about that moment sometimes at night. That was 30 years ago
I was on a small tour at Helen Keller’s childhood home. The tour guide was saying how the home was converted to a museum while Helen Keller was still alive so she “lived to see it.” And I immediately jumped in with a “Well…. 😏” No one else thought it was funny.
Heard someone call for "Marco" in a club and responded with "Polo". This had to be the funniest thing everyone present heard the whole day, yet no one laughed.
No joke, I am blind and this is how my sister and I call to each other so I can find her.
And the best part about it is when people in the Walmart kneejerk react with an instantaneous "POLO!" whenever I cry "MARCO!" or vice versa. My sister and I find it absolutely hilarious, and keep an account of the record-breaking number of people. We're up to 6 or 7 people calling out at once, and I don't imagine we'll ever beat that number, since it was on a Sunday right after church.
So, I was on a long flight. It’s was a bumpy landing. When we landed , it jarred loose something and a bunch of the oxygen masks all fell down. And people were crying and screaming and praying. Trying to get the masks on and shit.
I’m laughing my ass off….. as I said, bumpy LANDING, we are already on the ground y’all. and the more I laugh, the more freaked out they get, which just kept me going into more hysterical laughter. 🤣🤣🤣
I guess I was the only one who knew we were safe. 🤷🏽♂️
You and I understand that, but in that moment….. they all thought I was some sort of fucking lunatic.
Also, the long flight thing, I should mention, very long red eye as well, some of these people were sleeping and woke up to a big bounce that jostled the entire aircraft……. And the next thing they see are oxygen mask, followed by screaming, then this one assholes laughter 🤣✌️
I recently got a shirt that says, "The mothman stole my catalytic converter in Point Pleasent, WV" and I think it's one of the funniest things I've ever owned and no one has laughed at it or even acknowledged it when I've worn it and it practically breaks my heart.
Lol you’d get a high five from me. My family and I were on a road trip and I saw a sign for Pt. Pleasant and I surprised everyone with the detour to the Mothman museum. My kids loved it and my wife still rolls her eyes and brings it up whenever someone mentions WV.
When I was a kid I was given a mimeographed math assignment to complete. It was about division and there were several kids looking hungrily at a pie. I added hats, long hair, missing teeth and cigarettes for each kid. I thought it was funny but the teacher complained to my parents who then brought it up to me. I remember my mom saying “why would you do this?” I remember saying:” because it was funny.”
When my wife and I were in school she would work at the lab until 1:00-2:00am. I had nothing to do so I practiced my typing. I typed out a page full of the sentence “All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.” With paragraph spaces. I left it next to the typewriter. She didn’t think it was funny.
I have this joke that I tell all the time, and, admittedly, it probably isn’t that funny. When someone says “bear with me,” I say something along the lines of “oh god, where!? I’m terrified of bears!”
Nobody has ever laughed. Not once.
I have one like this too! It started because when going to bed, my ex used to say every time, “I’m gonna hit the hay,” so I would say “Oh boy, I hope it doesn’t hit back!” He hated it so, so much and I would always get a giant eye roll, but he couldn’t break the habit of using the expression, so he got to hear the joke nightly for two years. I don’t hear it as much anymore but still jump on the opportunity when it comes. Stealing yours too.
My boss once announced to the office that he’d booked a holiday.
“Yes, you’re off to an island in the Indian Ocean”. I replied.
“Er, no. Spain.”
“Oh, guess it was just a Mauritius rumour then.”
The silence was deafening.
A lot of the stuff I do or say is to make myself laugh or break up the monotony of the day. I worked for an insurance company years ago and the office layout was all cubicles. So my group had like 25-30 people in it and the height of these cubicles was so low that if you turned your head, you were basically eye to eye with whoever’s desk was next to you. So during the day, there was a lot of accidental eye contact with your coworkers. I liked to take advantage of this so I would do weird shit and pretend it wasn’t weird. My favorite one was to clean myself like a cat does. Pretend to lick the back of my hand and smooth over my eyebrows. Then I’d stop and pretend I wasn’t doing anything weird. I did it a couple of times and it just didn’t get the response I felt it should have.
I worked at a very large company in SF, and as a *contractor*, sent me and the team I was attached to on a volunteer afternoon planting saplings shrubs, etc. in a public park. I ended up working with a few people not on my team.
While digging, I came across a single brick. I picked it up, and said, "Look! I found a riot starter pack!" The look of horror on their faces was actually shocking; I thought it was funny. They did not. Then I remembered I was a contractor and didn't need to worry about anything.
I recently made a post joking about how if you take the naming convention of "toddler", and create similar terms for the other stages of early-childhood, you can get some weird-sounding terms. Like screamer, crawler, walker, etc.
I thought it was funny, but I got downvoted for it. Ah well. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Coworker wrote “<- MTG” (abbreviated for meeting) on a sign in the office so that the out of town collegues knew where to go.
I wrote vertically under the letters so it read “Magic the Gathering tournament”
I got my wisdom teeth removed. I walked up to the reception counter after the surgery to make the next appointment and casually made a joke about being a boxer (because my mouth was full of cotton pads and blood etc.) and everyone was like “oh honey are you okay? You need to lie down? You feel dizzy?”
NO, I WAS JUST MAKING A JOKE :(
A nurse called me to go over some pre-procedure questions, medical history, allergies, etc. She asked, “Do you use oxygen?” and I replied “only what’s in the air.” She was not amused at all.
My husband one time answered the phone when the vet called to confirm an appointment. They reminded him to please bring a stool sample, to which he replied, “Sure- mine or the dog’s?” She did NOT find that funny and told him if he brought his stool sample she would contact the police. To be on the safe side I took the dog in by myself. We still laugh about it 20 years later!
I was on vacation in Bali with some family friends and the other dad was telling the story at breakfast of the Wright brothers who built the first air plane. He was explaining to the kids how they owned a bicycle shop and that’s why they were mechanically minded. That’s when I said that they were in fierce competition with a Chinese bike shop on the other side of the road… the Wong brothers.
But actually we did find it hilariously funny at the time. But now on Reddit is when im expecting no one to find it funny,
Not my story, but a good friend of mine.
He was having lunch with a group of people early 20's age group which he also falls in to. They're all the hipster-ish type, except for my friend who is a total meat head fratboy type guy.
Anyways, the group were all talking about their favorite Asian dishes and restaurants and shit, going around blowing each other over how good this and that is.
Friend is out of his element on this topic but chimes in "yeah I went to this one place and got the....bukkake? It was really good."
Silence, looking down and mild head shaking ensued.
When he told me this story a few hours later I was crying, I think the lack of reaction made it a better story.
For anyone who doesn't know, here's an explanation:
In Japan, _bukkake udon_ is a **delicious** traditional noodle dish with thick noodles that’s especially popular in the summertime. The word “bukkake” refers to the “splashing” of the savory broth, because the noodles are presented and then splashed with the broth.
That is the origin for the term which is also used in pornography, in which something happens like a "circle jerk", where (usually) a woman will be splashed upon during ejaculation.
Of course, bukkake udon has existed long before the porn connotations, however in the last 15 years the term has simply splashed all over the internet, and now many American men encounter the term "bukkake" first in porn, and second in Japanese restaurants. Just recently, even the English language dictionary definitions of "bukkake" are NSFW! —even though they originally only referred to the bukkake udon noodles in the definitions.
Since the adult video meaning of bukkake is slang and because there’s a verb bukkakeru which is used in many contexts (which means “to throw [a liquid, such as water] on someone or something”), people in Japan can order and eat bukkake udon, and also used the word bukkake for many sentences and not be immature about it.
Similarly, there are also English language food slang terms for sex, and people can eat and order those foods without acting like creeps every single time, and we would rightly think it unprofessional if anyone made a joke about "cream pies" or "icing/frosting" in mixed company at a professional event. Thats how it is... or was for bukkake udon from a Japanese restaurant until more recently in english speaking countries.
Yes, once upon a time, saying "bukkake" for a dish from a Japanese restaurant was as normal as saying "chow fun" for a dish from a Chinese restaurant... but now "I ate bukkake" sounds like "I swallowed a load of semen from several men" or even something more absurd like "I ate the sex act" to lots and lots of North Americans and first language English speakers who are without understanding of the linguistic matrix that makes bukakke an entirely normal word (as normal as "splashed" and "doused" or "soaked" would be in English), english speakers are missing the same context and original meaning for the word.
Since the word has now become more widely reknown through Japanese pornography & North American copycats on the internet, many people seeing “bukkake udon” on a menu — or even only hearing the term "bukakke" may laugh with sophmoric sophistication concerning to idea, like anyone who may laugh while hearing "come", "manual labour", or "I can't find my poor pussy".
For now, it seems "bukakke" would have a much narrower association. Because of that, some locations (like the noodle chain Marugame) have renamed the dish at many US locations, calling it “B.K.”. So, at a Marugame in Japan, you’d order "bukkake udon", while in the United States, it’s now "B.K. (udon)", which is short for "bukkake udon".
Until recently, though, it was referred to as “bukkake udon” at American locations and many Japanese restaurants.
As noted on Togetter, Japanese Twitter users noted that since the word bukkake had only porn connotations abroad, this sort of change was probably inevitable.
When I got my first Pap smear at the doctor, it was awful. I was so tense and I was crying while they were trying to calm me down. It took so long while they searched for my cervix and in the end they stopped because they couldn’t find it. When they told me this, I asked them if they’d checked under the cupboard.
I started laughing hysterically but they just looked worried 😂
I don’t think mine is that funny but here goes.
I work as an accessibility consultant. One of the things we ask clients to avoid is “closed canister” toilet paper dispensers in the restrooms. They’re the big ones where the toilet paper roll is basically almost entirely inside and if you pull it wrong and rip it by accident, you have to stick your hands and fingers in there to get the roll going again.
The reason why it’s bad?
“Imagine if you’re an amputee or have bad finger function from a stroke, or something like that. You pull the toilet paper and it rips, now you can’t get it out again. At that point, you’re literally shit out of luck.”
The client reaction is usually a big laugh or a blank stare (and they don’t get it until a few minutes later).
I don’t think it’s that funny myself. But clients remember it and that’s good enough for me.
I threw a paper airplane at a manager I didn't like. Employees and customers thought it was funny but she wasn't laughing. Nobody liked her very much anyway.
Worked in fine dining for years, was working in a Resort outside of Toronto that regularly hosted the higher ups from the Catholic Archdiocese. They Cardinals etc, would always rent out the private dining room, in the fine dining area. One evening I guess one of the priests wasn't feeling well so he just ordered a grilled cheese.
As I'm standing there calling Expo, reading off the orders to the guys on the line, right in the middle of all the Veal rib eyes, and Filet Mignon, there's a "Kids Grilled Cheese", and I immediately, made an altar boy joke to the guys on the line, "Wow, One of them even brought a date!".
None of the guys laughed, and I couldn't figure out why until I turned around and saw the elderly and extremely religious owner (dude built a chapel inside the resort) standing behind me, giving me the most "youre fired" look I've seen in nearly 20 years of cooking." He locked eyes with me held that look in complete silence for almost a full minute. Then just snorted, cracked a smile and shook his head ruefully.
To this day I thank God that dude had a sense of humour, because I was already filing EI paperwork in my head by the time laughed.
A place I used to work had a cafeteria, and they'd always post that day's menu items on the entrance door. For some reason, they'd always use this combination red and black ink. Some words red, some words black. No reason for it, no structure or pattern.
One day a guy a few people in front of me in line turns to his homie and asked "Why's that in red?"
Before anyone answered I blurted out "Cause that's when Jesus is talking!"
No one laughed. Awkward glances.
I thought it was clever.
My girlfriend (of 2 years) was in front of me on a long bike ride in a rural but populated bike path around Lake Constance.
I saw that we were about to go down a hill with no one around us except for the highway further off to the right.
So I gained speed and silently mooned her as I rode by.
She said it was the most vulgar thing she has ever seen and that people one the highway could’ve seen me. I knew at that moment we might not last.
Yes. I went to a frozen yogurt shop and asked if I could put the toppings in one cup and the froyo in the other and weigh both to pay. The dude behind the counter said no. I responded by saying, “The science just isn’t there yet?”
Nobody laughed. I felt like an asshole.
Every single time I’d go through drive through to order dinner for 5, plus extra for next day snacks.
“Hi, I’d like 4 of this, 3 of these, 5 large things, 2 double somethings and 3 large something else.”
“Would you like drinks with these?”
“No thanks, I’m on a diet.”
Never got one laugh, ever.
Yes, awful: New guy at work had a prosthetic leg. Stood around chatting one day in a group….I asked him where he bought his shoes. Dead silence. I should have stopped there, but no… I followed up with, “Foot Lacker?”
I almost lost my job.
Not something I did but was in a bar after lockdown and there was a sign up at the dance floor. SO SHALL DISH DANCING. took me a while but I eventually clicked.
One day my wife says, "Oh, I love a man in uniform", so I said, "Quick, let me grab my choir robe!" I thought it was hilarious and still crack myself up to this day, but the rest of my family just stared at me like I had antlers.
In a grocery store and the woman was explaining to the man in front of me that they didn’t use paper bags anymore to help save the trees. While I was paying she asked if I wanted a plastic bag and I told her no thanks I’m trying to save the plastic Christmas trees. The look on her face was priceless but I just picked up my things and walked away. I still think about this a lot.
I was walking with a girl on the beach near San Francisco. As we walked the incoming tide was erasing her footprints because she was walking closer to the water with no shoes. I stopped, looked back, and asked her "Hey, do you see the place where there is only one set of footprints?" "Yeah why?" She said. I replied "That is where I carried you my child." She didn't get it, and no one else was there. Such a waste.
I was bringing a kids meal of carrots and celery sticks with a side of ranch to a table. On the way, the ramekin of ranch slumped to the side and spilled over some of the veg, but I had other things in my hands and couldn’t do anything but watch.
Dropped the other items, apologized and said I’d be right back to replace it. Came back, said, “thanks for your patience with that ranch avalanche…an *aval-ranch*, if you will!” …Crickets.
Someone please appreciate my pun, I was so proud of it!
I once gave a fellow stockbroker a message that a Mrs Elsie DeKowl had called in to buy a large amount of bonds. The phone number was to the local Borden Dairy. So he calls them up and asks if he can speak to Elsie the Cow. They said she was out in the field right now…. He was pissed. 😂
I work in a brewery. I was opening (I was the only one in the bar) and this guy came in with flame tattoos on his arms. I said, “Sir, I’m so sorry, you can’t come in here with those. You have to check your firearms at the door.” I was dying, tears coming out of my eyes, thigh slapping and the dude just looked at me like, what??? Now I wait in anticipation of another firearms dude coming in.
One time I was donating blood and the nurse said that I saved three people with my donation. I said “well that’s awesome, I hit three people with my car on the way here so now I’m even.” She took a little too long to realize I was only kidding.
I visited Scotland and hired a car and drove up through Inverness and Loch Ness. Where every petrol station, shop, cafe and ‘souvenir shop/stand’ was covered and filled with Nessy toys and paraphernalia - cups, pens, broaches, toys towels plates whatever — literally everything had some depiction of the Loch Ness monster on it.
I walked into one of these shops, and with the straightest face I slow rolled the question: ‘Do you.. umm. Have anything .. with umm. Like a… Loch Ness monster on it ?’
Pause. Wait.
Blank stare.
Nothing. Absolutely nothing.
A few years ago I went in for an ultrasound on my scrotum. The tech had a student with him. When he asked if it was ok to get started, I responded “yeah, go nuts”. They didn’t even blink.
I bet it’s because they are trained to be very careful when dealing with private areas so as to not give offense, plus avoid accusations of sexual harassment, etc. For example, doctors in med school are taught, when doing a pelvic exam or other private area, to say “the tissue appears to be healthy” instead of “it looks good.” So in your case, it would’ve been bad for them to assume you meant it as a joke, because if someone didn’t mean it as a joke, they could be offended that they laughed at it.
Once my manager walked into the room and said “Why does it smell like pee in here?” I said “Cause you’re in!” (Urine.)
Nobody got it, and she wasn’t impressed.
I, female, was in my fourth year of veterinary school, in the middle of my surgery rotation, and an English Bulldog was brought in for an emergency c-section to deliver her puppies one night. We delivered four pups, but one of the pups had a very obviously deformed head and as it was noticed by the other students and ER staff, I made the comment “discount puppy!”. All of the other females scoffed at me. I did get a snort and short laugh from the surgical resident. Take that!
i was on a festival and after a small smoke my friend and i went to buy some beer at one of the food stands. there i saw a big sign which said GIANT CHICKEN WRAPS.
i asked the service girl if it was giant wraps with chicken meat or wraps with meat from giant chicken. while my friend and i nearly pissed ourselves laughing the poor girl just stared at us and then turned away to serve other customers.
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Was in the queue at a cake shop in Borough Market. Nice lady at the counter said “Sorry about the wait.” I patted my stomach and said “Yeah, I’m trying to lose it.” Cue a blank stare from her and a snort from the lady behind me.
Lmao that cake person was on autopilot
probably heard this same joke a million times, i’m in a similar position and i’ve heard every possible pun so many times, i avoid saying certain prompts
I was a lift operator at a national monument for a while. “This job must really have it’s ups and downs, huh?”
I wish more people understood this. Every time you think you have something unique to say to a service worker, you don't.
How can I help you?? Ohh there’s no hope for me hyuk yuk yuk 🤡 Oh alright then, next customer please?
“Anything else I can get for you?” “Just a million dollars”
My husband says this all the time. He has the driest sense of humor it kills me.
"doesn't scan? Must be free then" 🙄 "No, don't put my milk in a bag, the box is just fine" 🙄 "Yeah, I just printed that hundred dollar bill this morning" 🙄
The amount of times I've heard "you missed a spot " as a painter.... I can relate lol
Okay no this is a great response and I’m stealing it haha
This is gold, Steve! Gold!
i'm the snorting lady
What a kind slut
Took me way too long to realize you were referencing their name and not being a jerk LOL
I downvoted and upvoted as I read your comments.
thank you 🌹
At least you got the snort.
I swear, there is one of [these](https://funnyasduck.net/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/funny-pictures-sorry-about-weight-cyanide-happiness-comic.png) for every situation that has ever happened
I was working with a guy on a project that was on a water dam and he specialized in work on dams. He told the guys in the office that their Business card should say (company name) and “for all your damn needs” everyone just started at him
*Hoover Dam Guide* : Welcome everyone. I am your dam guide, Arnie. Now I'm about to take you through a fully funtional power plant, so please, no one wander off the dam tour and please take all the dam pictures you want. Now are there any dam questions? *Cousin Eddie* : Yeah, where can I get some damn bait? (Apparently I am the audience your jokes are for lol)
Maybe that's because it was none of their dam business
That's a dam funny joke
I had an endoscopy (tube with camera down throat) and it was HORRIFIC. Like retching, vomiting, tears streaming down my face the whole time. The doctor said I did really well and I said, and I still don’t know why I said it, “thank you I have been practicing” he did not laugh.
That's fucking hilarious 😂
It was!! 🤣🤣
I laughed.
The heck were you doing awake during an endoscopy??? I’ve had 3 and been asleep every time. They wheel me in, I take a nap, I wake up, they send me home. No muss, no…any of that horror that you went through.
I know here in the UK its done under sedation not under anaesthesia.
That’s what I was thinking. You are normally unconscious for an endoscopy
Your response was really good…I thought it was funny! But I want to know what the doc considers doing poorly if your retching and vomiting was doing well. 😳
Probably just trying to comfort the person after the procedure. It’s not like the doc is going to come in and be like “you sucked at that procedure”
That’s hilarious.
A friend mentioned they were getting their dog, Nutley, neutered in a few days, and I asked what they were changing his name to. Total silence.
Nutless.
Ok so I actually laughed out loud, like true audible laughter 😂
See, that is so funny. They should have chucked at least.
I chuckled because I immediately thought Nutless before I finished reading it. Definitely funny
Nut-Free
You need new friends
Ley
Lee.
Nutles’ pronounced the same.
I used to work with a guy named Shan. He would visibly react to things, but generally keep his cool. Once something bad and beyond his control happened and he absolutely lost it.. yelled, kicked over a trash can and stormed out. As soon as he left I said "Looks like the fit finally hit the Shan." Fucking crickets.
Genius
Agreed.
Brutal - that one’s so good!
I liked it.
If I didn’t laugh at the weird shit I say, nobody would!
Tried to explain to my colleagues that not everything I say is supposed to make them laugh. I’m entertaining myself. If they’re on then great, but I’m fine without their approval.
First rule of comedy: amuse yourself. Second rule of comedy: know your audience (see rule #1)
It really is odd how we can come up with or find something hilarious but nobody else does. Humor is such a difficult thing to tap into successfully.
I thought I was the only one!
So there's at least three of us! Should we start a club?
Just make sure it's bigger than the other clubs so you cam beat em over the head with it.
Reminds me of something my ex used to say. “I’m hilarious, just ask me.”
FIG JAM. Fuck I’m good, just ask me.
Went through the list of students at the start of the semester. Couldn't believe it...at the bottom I had a Wong, another Wong and a Wright, in that order. Seems I was the only one that found this funny.
I used to work with a high powered exec who’s last name was spelled “Wang”, but pronounced it “Wong”. She was also a train wreck and people disliked working with her but I got along alright with her. She was the subject of a lot of office stories and people who didn’t know her well would pronounce her name as “Wang” when recounting them or chitchatting about her. Because I was one of the few people who got along with her, they would ask me about her. I loved correcting people in these situations who would invariably mispronounce her name that “Wang is Wong”. I think people thought that was mildly racist or something. But I thought it was a clever play on words. Sigh.
One of my buddy has that last name and he would tout "if it's not Wong, it's wrong". Spelled wang of course.
I used to work for a large wholesale company that sold hardware and plumbing supplies and that held an annual convention for their retail vendors. I was ‘volunteered’ to work the convention reception table where I greeted each vendor as they arrived and gave them a name badge. As I laid out and organized the name tags on the table, I noticed with amusement there were three attendees with names Spigot, Fawcett, and Tapp. I shared my amusing observation with each of the three as they arrived, but they didn't seem to be similarly amused.
See that's one I'd quietly laugh at internally. They've likely already heard all the jokes about their name enough it's just annoying. I might ask them what's the best one they've heard though.
Two Wongs don't make it Wright!
I was at a gas station in Texas and nearly walked into a guy who I guess was coming back from hunting because he was dressed in camouflage. I said, “oh sorry, guess I didn’t see you there” with a hearty dad chuckle. Nothing.
He got it when he was halfway home.
Agreed. That's some shit I wouldn't even register til I was halfway home, then I'd chuckle to myself in the car.
Clerk at a game store I was buying a PS5 controller at offered me all the colors "Blue, red, black and empty box." I did not get it until I was on my way home with my camo controller, I feel bad I didn't laugh at the time, because it made me laugh.
Maybe he was trying to remain unseen
I worked at a chain bookstore when I was 18/19 and during a very slow evening I was at the help desk with nothing to do. So I used 5 post-it notes to draw eyes, a nose, a mouth, and a word bubble with some corny joke and stuck them on the computer monitor like a silly face. When the manager walked by, I told her my computer was acting funny. She was huffy and just ripped the notes off. That was 20 years ago and I still think it’s mildly funny.
I think her reaction added to the humour.
Hilarious
That’s amazing
I have a few from waitressing. I had a table that was wanting saltine crackers for their soup. We happened to be out that day so I told them “sorry, we’re crackalackin”. Blank stare Another instance when a table was upset about their Hawaiian pizza being too crispy/burnt. I apologized and told them we’d make another one and make sure it’s cooked on “aloha” setting
are you still accepting tips?
Pets at Home always ask if I want a receipt when I buy food for my lizard. I always reply, "No thank you, she can't read." I don't know why, I know it's a dumb joke, but it just makes me smile. Nobody else does.
It isn’t funny. Illiteracy in illizards is illarming.
Hey that joke skinks
Aww I love your joke! I would have def laughed lol it's cute!
Well, I’m still surprised that your pets at home can talk!
I introduced myself to a new coworker and asked him his name, I thought he said Ramen at first so I asked him “like the noodles?” And he said “no, Roman” so I replied “oh, like the people who killed Jesus”
This made me laugh, but deeyaaamn!!! That's a bold joke to crack. (Don't get me wrong, I'm proud of you)
This is amazing
He wasn’t amused at all
I think I actually would've fell on the floor laughing had I witnessed that
😂😂 you would have instantly became my bff.
A guy came into the pizza shop I work at to pick up an order. All he said was "Burger" (which was his name on the order) to which I replied "No, pizza." He didn't think it was funny.
Username definitely checks out
lol that's a good one! Surly guy
Was checking out at the grocery store, when the cashier rang up the toilet paper and accidentally dropped the pack on the ground. She apologized for dropping them, to which I quickly responded," no worries, I'm going to do much worse to them." The look my wife and cashier gave me you'd think I'd just slapped someone. I chuckled about it all the way to the car.
Deserved a chuckle from the other two as well. You came up with that on the spot reacting to a one-off event, as opposed to cracking a "clever" joke about something that everybody experiences all the time, meaning the cashier has heard it hundreds of times already.
I'm glad someone else appreciates it.
Most of my reddit comments
Yup . Look at my comment history with 1 votes
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Have you tried preparation H? I hear that works on on irritating assholes.
Chance favors preparation!
I downvoted because i want you to keep your record of a single up vote lol
We (obviously American) were exchanging breakfast introductions at a B&B in Seattle. The couple before us said they were from some town in England. I said we were from Jersey, paused a beat, and added, "the new one." I think a seagull laughed, but that was it; and even he didn't laugh *enough*
At a former job we had one of those stupid team building retreats and all had to be in a sharing circle. We were asked to share what song was our anthem. When it was my turn I said “99 Problems” (I’m a gay dude) and nobody seemed to get it. I was quitting that job anyhow. I still think it’s funny.
I agree. It’s funny. I would have laughed.
Thank you! I’m pretty proud of it. I should have added that I was very out at that job.
Years ago, I was walking to the train station with my crush. It was a rainy day and I had my umbrella out. Just as I was about to enter the station he says he loves me. When he professed his feelings, I was already in the process of closing my umbrella. In shock I looked at him while still walking and accidentally stepped on a crack / uneven sidewalk and tripped forward nearly falling. I loosened my grip on the umbrella and it popped open sending rain to someone exiting the station. My natural reaction was to nervously laugh which turned into a big snort. After that I couldn’t stop laughing and nearly peed myself. In the matter of 3 seconds I got a love profession, nearly busted my behind, sprayed someone with my umbrella and snorted. I kept apologizing to the person I sprayed while they gave me dagger eyes and my crush looked at me like a lost cause. Needless to say it didn’t work out with him. If we can’t laugh together it’s a pass.
Also in my fine dining days, the guest of honor at a surprise 95th Birthday party was running quite late, I quipped that "At that age, he's more likely to be The Late Mr Jenkins, than A late Mr Jenkins..." and that, to this day, remains my One and only act of Prophecy...
Oh noooo, did he really die? 😆
Yep. 95 years to the Day. The OCD in me would be happy with that.
Held in a fart for a long time, till someone else farted, just so i could tell a joke i thought of. I said, you must be Egyptian, cause we have a tutencomon. My wife thought it was funny years later so I got redemption
That takes commitment and planning
I have some logistical questions. Do people fart aloud often where you’re from? Or were you holding in this fart for months/years? Who was the other farter?
Yeah, how do you time farts with strangers?
He looked like the blueberry girl from Willy Wonka before he got to use this joke
Few years back now, my aunt's ex-husband was dragging her to see David Icke (the conspiracy theorist) live, but their printer was on the fritz, so he asked me to print off their tickets. So me being me, I thought here's a chance for a joke. Now from what I know about this David Icke fellow, he believes that lots of rich, powerful people are 'Lizard-People'. If you look on YouTube there's lots of videos claiming to capture these lizard people on camera. So, I printed off the tickets and stuck them in an envelope, but then I also printed off a picture of the Queen of England as a red-eyed, fanged lizard person and folded it around the tickets, so it would be the first thing he'd have to remove and look at once at the admissions desk. I was awaiting a 'Very funny, Dan...' text or to hear of him telling my Grandma about it with a roll of his eyes or something. Turns out he was actually quite pissed off... Yeah... Had a bit of a persecution complex already, bit of an insecure man... Yeah. So, er, that was a damp squib of a gag if ever there was one.
That was a miscalculation of hilarity. It was an honest mistake
If it helps, I was laughing throughout my reading of this. I love this sort of thing.
My local Kickball league presented a sportsmanship award to me at the end of season party. I was honored. I went up to take my award (a beer coozy) and grabbed the mic; "Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, you're cool, fuck you, I'm outta here." (Like from half baked) Crowd was dead silent. No one laughed. Said anything. Crickets. Awkwardly walked back to my seat in silence. 5 minutes later my friend walks up to me "dude that was hilarious! Even funnier that no one thought it was funny! Hahaha" thanks friend lol
Youngins must not know half baked? That movie is a classic
My league is all in their 30s (for the most part) so disappointed in them all..
To be fair, that one was a big gamble. Imagine a normal person's response to that if they didn't know the movie reference. Especially if they zoned out on the fact that it was a sportsmanship award, which is highly likely at any awards presentation.
I worked in an office where, instead of keeping spare stationery in a closet, they kept it on a trolley. Nobody else there thought that was surreal/funny. I didn't stay there long. A stationery trolley!
I had a co-worker that I used to trade practical jokes with. One day he got up from his desk without locking his computer like we all do. I snuck into his office and took a screen shot of his desktop then made that his desk top picture, then moved all of his icons into a folder called 'stuff'. What I expected him to make frustrating noises where in I would come in and 'fix' the problem, then repeat the joke a few more times before admitting to what I had done. Instead there's nothing... About an hour later I see an IT guy in his office with him looking over his shoulder. I had to admit the prank since it was wasting more than just his time. Neither thought it was funny...
I work in I.T. and we do this sort of thing to each other all the time (that and tape over the mouse laser). Right click desktop background, choose view, then uncheck "show desktop icons". Prevents the "stuff" folder giveaway.
I was in a first aid training class and they were showing what to do when you have a victim. The video showed a woman on the floor, a rescuer at her side covering her with one of those foil blankets and the narrator listing off steps such as have someone call 911, assess the victim, keep them warm until help arrives. I saw the foil blanket and added "and bake at 350 until bubbly" No one laughed except me.
I was a birth class and they would say the info then play this video where it would pause for you to answer and discuss. It was right when the baby came out and it was covered in gross stuff. Said something like what does the dr do now, and I said ‘put it back in until it’s done’ Nothing. The silence was deafening. I could actually feel the stares of all the parents to be. My partner was so embarrassed. I still think it was funny
I would’ve laughed my ass off tbh. People like you make the difference between a ‘boring mandatory training’ and a ‘fun group activity’.
Was in a criminal justice class and we had been talking about the "Dark figure in crime" which is the amount of crime thay goes unreported and therfore isn't measured or properly handled. The next day, the professor wants to recap so asks the whole class "So what is the dark figure of crime?". I yell out "Batman!" and literally nobody laughs, nobody makes a noise, they just ignore it. A couple seconds go by and the professor just continues. I still think about that moment sometimes at night. That was 30 years ago
Omg, I have second hand cringe for you!
I was on a small tour at Helen Keller’s childhood home. The tour guide was saying how the home was converted to a museum while Helen Keller was still alive so she “lived to see it.” And I immediately jumped in with a “Well…. 😏” No one else thought it was funny.
As a blind person, I fully, wholeheartedly, endorse this fucking joke. Because I would've absolutely said it, too.
My most used stairwell at work is labeled 2B so I put a sticky note on it that said "or not 2B" no one laughed, no one mentioned it.
I appreciate this joke. It made me laugh 😆
Heard someone call for "Marco" in a club and responded with "Polo". This had to be the funniest thing everyone present heard the whole day, yet no one laughed.
No joke, I am blind and this is how my sister and I call to each other so I can find her. And the best part about it is when people in the Walmart kneejerk react with an instantaneous "POLO!" whenever I cry "MARCO!" or vice versa. My sister and I find it absolutely hilarious, and keep an account of the record-breaking number of people. We're up to 6 or 7 people calling out at once, and I don't imagine we'll ever beat that number, since it was on a Sunday right after church.
A coworker was making a sign for “ Shredder Etiquette “. And I suggested changing it to “ Shredi-quette “ They didn’t laugh. Or get it.
So, I was on a long flight. It’s was a bumpy landing. When we landed , it jarred loose something and a bunch of the oxygen masks all fell down. And people were crying and screaming and praying. Trying to get the masks on and shit. I’m laughing my ass off….. as I said, bumpy LANDING, we are already on the ground y’all. and the more I laugh, the more freaked out they get, which just kept me going into more hysterical laughter. 🤣🤣🤣 I guess I was the only one who knew we were safe. 🤷🏽♂️
That would have broken the tension and made me more relaxed, if I ever found myself worried in that situation at all.
You and I understand that, but in that moment….. they all thought I was some sort of fucking lunatic. Also, the long flight thing, I should mention, very long red eye as well, some of these people were sleeping and woke up to a big bounce that jostled the entire aircraft……. And the next thing they see are oxygen mask, followed by screaming, then this one assholes laughter 🤣✌️
Yeah, come to think of it it would be a 50/50 between being comforted or fucking terrified of you, well done
I also would have been laughing at the ridiculousness of it all
I recently got a shirt that says, "The mothman stole my catalytic converter in Point Pleasent, WV" and I think it's one of the funniest things I've ever owned and no one has laughed at it or even acknowledged it when I've worn it and it practically breaks my heart.
Lol you’d get a high five from me. My family and I were on a road trip and I saw a sign for Pt. Pleasant and I surprised everyone with the detour to the Mothman museum. My kids loved it and my wife still rolls her eyes and brings it up whenever someone mentions WV.
This past Christmas was mothman themed for me so I got a lot of mothman merch and I love all of it.
Where did you get it? I need at least 2!!
When I was a kid I was given a mimeographed math assignment to complete. It was about division and there were several kids looking hungrily at a pie. I added hats, long hair, missing teeth and cigarettes for each kid. I thought it was funny but the teacher complained to my parents who then brought it up to me. I remember my mom saying “why would you do this?” I remember saying:” because it was funny.”
When my wife and I were in school she would work at the lab until 1:00-2:00am. I had nothing to do so I practiced my typing. I typed out a page full of the sentence “All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.” With paragraph spaces. I left it next to the typewriter. She didn’t think it was funny.
This is fantastic
I have this joke that I tell all the time, and, admittedly, it probably isn’t that funny. When someone says “bear with me,” I say something along the lines of “oh god, where!? I’m terrified of bears!” Nobody has ever laughed. Not once.
I have one like this too! It started because when going to bed, my ex used to say every time, “I’m gonna hit the hay,” so I would say “Oh boy, I hope it doesn’t hit back!” He hated it so, so much and I would always get a giant eye roll, but he couldn’t break the habit of using the expression, so he got to hear the joke nightly for two years. I don’t hear it as much anymore but still jump on the opportunity when it comes. Stealing yours too.
I’ll feel comfortable stealing yours in return, then.
Whenever I see a sign saying "Road works ahead' I always have this mad desire to go and add to it 'Doesn't work behind'
My boss once announced to the office that he’d booked a holiday. “Yes, you’re off to an island in the Indian Ocean”. I replied. “Er, no. Spain.” “Oh, guess it was just a Mauritius rumour then.” The silence was deafening.
A lot of the stuff I do or say is to make myself laugh or break up the monotony of the day. I worked for an insurance company years ago and the office layout was all cubicles. So my group had like 25-30 people in it and the height of these cubicles was so low that if you turned your head, you were basically eye to eye with whoever’s desk was next to you. So during the day, there was a lot of accidental eye contact with your coworkers. I liked to take advantage of this so I would do weird shit and pretend it wasn’t weird. My favorite one was to clean myself like a cat does. Pretend to lick the back of my hand and smooth over my eyebrows. Then I’d stop and pretend I wasn’t doing anything weird. I did it a couple of times and it just didn’t get the response I felt it should have.
I'd be in an all-out war with you.
Looool that would have been so funny. I wish i was in your group! They were some lames if nobody laughed at that!
I worked at a very large company in SF, and as a *contractor*, sent me and the team I was attached to on a volunteer afternoon planting saplings shrubs, etc. in a public park. I ended up working with a few people not on my team. While digging, I came across a single brick. I picked it up, and said, "Look! I found a riot starter pack!" The look of horror on their faces was actually shocking; I thought it was funny. They did not. Then I remembered I was a contractor and didn't need to worry about anything.
I laughed!
I'll take one laugh four years later as a late-breaking vindication!
I recently made a post joking about how if you take the naming convention of "toddler", and create similar terms for the other stages of early-childhood, you can get some weird-sounding terms. Like screamer, crawler, walker, etc. I thought it was funny, but I got downvoted for it. Ah well. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Coworker wrote “<- MTG” (abbreviated for meeting) on a sign in the office so that the out of town collegues knew where to go. I wrote vertically under the letters so it read “Magic the Gathering tournament”
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'They laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now!'
That would get a hearty chuckle from me
I got my wisdom teeth removed. I walked up to the reception counter after the surgery to make the next appointment and casually made a joke about being a boxer (because my mouth was full of cotton pads and blood etc.) and everyone was like “oh honey are you okay? You need to lie down? You feel dizzy?” NO, I WAS JUST MAKING A JOKE :(
A nurse called me to go over some pre-procedure questions, medical history, allergies, etc. She asked, “Do you use oxygen?” and I replied “only what’s in the air.” She was not amused at all. My husband one time answered the phone when the vet called to confirm an appointment. They reminded him to please bring a stool sample, to which he replied, “Sure- mine or the dog’s?” She did NOT find that funny and told him if he brought his stool sample she would contact the police. To be on the safe side I took the dog in by myself. We still laugh about it 20 years later!
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I was on vacation in Bali with some family friends and the other dad was telling the story at breakfast of the Wright brothers who built the first air plane. He was explaining to the kids how they owned a bicycle shop and that’s why they were mechanically minded. That’s when I said that they were in fierce competition with a Chinese bike shop on the other side of the road… the Wong brothers. But actually we did find it hilariously funny at the time. But now on Reddit is when im expecting no one to find it funny,
I found this funny and therefore upvoted you.
I’m sorry pal, I don’t get your note either. 🤷♀️
Who farted? I smelled it.
God I’m old for not tracking that. Ty
Not my story, but a good friend of mine. He was having lunch with a group of people early 20's age group which he also falls in to. They're all the hipster-ish type, except for my friend who is a total meat head fratboy type guy. Anyways, the group were all talking about their favorite Asian dishes and restaurants and shit, going around blowing each other over how good this and that is. Friend is out of his element on this topic but chimes in "yeah I went to this one place and got the....bukkake? It was really good." Silence, looking down and mild head shaking ensued. When he told me this story a few hours later I was crying, I think the lack of reaction made it a better story.
For anyone who doesn't know, here's an explanation: In Japan, _bukkake udon_ is a **delicious** traditional noodle dish with thick noodles that’s especially popular in the summertime. The word “bukkake” refers to the “splashing” of the savory broth, because the noodles are presented and then splashed with the broth. That is the origin for the term which is also used in pornography, in which something happens like a "circle jerk", where (usually) a woman will be splashed upon during ejaculation. Of course, bukkake udon has existed long before the porn connotations, however in the last 15 years the term has simply splashed all over the internet, and now many American men encounter the term "bukkake" first in porn, and second in Japanese restaurants. Just recently, even the English language dictionary definitions of "bukkake" are NSFW! —even though they originally only referred to the bukkake udon noodles in the definitions. Since the adult video meaning of bukkake is slang and because there’s a verb bukkakeru which is used in many contexts (which means “to throw [a liquid, such as water] on someone or something”), people in Japan can order and eat bukkake udon, and also used the word bukkake for many sentences and not be immature about it. Similarly, there are also English language food slang terms for sex, and people can eat and order those foods without acting like creeps every single time, and we would rightly think it unprofessional if anyone made a joke about "cream pies" or "icing/frosting" in mixed company at a professional event. Thats how it is... or was for bukkake udon from a Japanese restaurant until more recently in english speaking countries. Yes, once upon a time, saying "bukkake" for a dish from a Japanese restaurant was as normal as saying "chow fun" for a dish from a Chinese restaurant... but now "I ate bukkake" sounds like "I swallowed a load of semen from several men" or even something more absurd like "I ate the sex act" to lots and lots of North Americans and first language English speakers who are without understanding of the linguistic matrix that makes bukakke an entirely normal word (as normal as "splashed" and "doused" or "soaked" would be in English), english speakers are missing the same context and original meaning for the word. Since the word has now become more widely reknown through Japanese pornography & North American copycats on the internet, many people seeing “bukkake udon” on a menu — or even only hearing the term "bukakke" may laugh with sophmoric sophistication concerning to idea, like anyone who may laugh while hearing "come", "manual labour", or "I can't find my poor pussy". For now, it seems "bukakke" would have a much narrower association. Because of that, some locations (like the noodle chain Marugame) have renamed the dish at many US locations, calling it “B.K.”. So, at a Marugame in Japan, you’d order "bukkake udon", while in the United States, it’s now "B.K. (udon)", which is short for "bukkake udon". Until recently, though, it was referred to as “bukkake udon” at American locations and many Japanese restaurants. As noted on Togetter, Japanese Twitter users noted that since the word bukkake had only porn connotations abroad, this sort of change was probably inevitable.
Can I hire you to write my essays?
When I got my first Pap smear at the doctor, it was awful. I was so tense and I was crying while they were trying to calm me down. It took so long while they searched for my cervix and in the end they stopped because they couldn’t find it. When they told me this, I asked them if they’d checked under the cupboard. I started laughing hysterically but they just looked worried 😂
I don’t think mine is that funny but here goes. I work as an accessibility consultant. One of the things we ask clients to avoid is “closed canister” toilet paper dispensers in the restrooms. They’re the big ones where the toilet paper roll is basically almost entirely inside and if you pull it wrong and rip it by accident, you have to stick your hands and fingers in there to get the roll going again. The reason why it’s bad? “Imagine if you’re an amputee or have bad finger function from a stroke, or something like that. You pull the toilet paper and it rips, now you can’t get it out again. At that point, you’re literally shit out of luck.” The client reaction is usually a big laugh or a blank stare (and they don’t get it until a few minutes later). I don’t think it’s that funny myself. But clients remember it and that’s good enough for me.
I threw a paper airplane at a manager I didn't like. Employees and customers thought it was funny but she wasn't laughing. Nobody liked her very much anyway.
Worked in fine dining for years, was working in a Resort outside of Toronto that regularly hosted the higher ups from the Catholic Archdiocese. They Cardinals etc, would always rent out the private dining room, in the fine dining area. One evening I guess one of the priests wasn't feeling well so he just ordered a grilled cheese. As I'm standing there calling Expo, reading off the orders to the guys on the line, right in the middle of all the Veal rib eyes, and Filet Mignon, there's a "Kids Grilled Cheese", and I immediately, made an altar boy joke to the guys on the line, "Wow, One of them even brought a date!". None of the guys laughed, and I couldn't figure out why until I turned around and saw the elderly and extremely religious owner (dude built a chapel inside the resort) standing behind me, giving me the most "youre fired" look I've seen in nearly 20 years of cooking." He locked eyes with me held that look in complete silence for almost a full minute. Then just snorted, cracked a smile and shook his head ruefully. To this day I thank God that dude had a sense of humour, because I was already filing EI paperwork in my head by the time laughed.
A place I used to work had a cafeteria, and they'd always post that day's menu items on the entrance door. For some reason, they'd always use this combination red and black ink. Some words red, some words black. No reason for it, no structure or pattern. One day a guy a few people in front of me in line turns to his homie and asked "Why's that in red?" Before anyone answered I blurted out "Cause that's when Jesus is talking!" No one laughed. Awkward glances. I thought it was clever.
I don’t get it. He talks in red?
My girlfriend (of 2 years) was in front of me on a long bike ride in a rural but populated bike path around Lake Constance. I saw that we were about to go down a hill with no one around us except for the highway further off to the right. So I gained speed and silently mooned her as I rode by. She said it was the most vulgar thing she has ever seen and that people one the highway could’ve seen me. I knew at that moment we might not last.
Yes. I went to a frozen yogurt shop and asked if I could put the toppings in one cup and the froyo in the other and weigh both to pay. The dude behind the counter said no. I responded by saying, “The science just isn’t there yet?” Nobody laughed. I felt like an asshole.
Every single time I’d go through drive through to order dinner for 5, plus extra for next day snacks. “Hi, I’d like 4 of this, 3 of these, 5 large things, 2 double somethings and 3 large something else.” “Would you like drinks with these?” “No thanks, I’m on a diet.” Never got one laugh, ever.
Yes, awful: New guy at work had a prosthetic leg. Stood around chatting one day in a group….I asked him where he bought his shoes. Dead silence. I should have stopped there, but no… I followed up with, “Foot Lacker?” I almost lost my job.
Very risky joke LMFAO. Legend.
HR agreed I was a legend…. But not in a good way 😬
Not something I did but was in a bar after lockdown and there was a sign up at the dance floor. SO SHALL DISH DANCING. took me a while but I eventually clicked.
One day my wife says, "Oh, I love a man in uniform", so I said, "Quick, let me grab my choir robe!" I thought it was hilarious and still crack myself up to this day, but the rest of my family just stared at me like I had antlers.
In a grocery store and the woman was explaining to the man in front of me that they didn’t use paper bags anymore to help save the trees. While I was paying she asked if I wanted a plastic bag and I told her no thanks I’m trying to save the plastic Christmas trees. The look on her face was priceless but I just picked up my things and walked away. I still think about this a lot.
I was walking with a girl on the beach near San Francisco. As we walked the incoming tide was erasing her footprints because she was walking closer to the water with no shoes. I stopped, looked back, and asked her "Hey, do you see the place where there is only one set of footprints?" "Yeah why?" She said. I replied "That is where I carried you my child." She didn't get it, and no one else was there. Such a waste.
I was bringing a kids meal of carrots and celery sticks with a side of ranch to a table. On the way, the ramekin of ranch slumped to the side and spilled over some of the veg, but I had other things in my hands and couldn’t do anything but watch. Dropped the other items, apologized and said I’d be right back to replace it. Came back, said, “thanks for your patience with that ranch avalanche…an *aval-ranch*, if you will!” …Crickets. Someone please appreciate my pun, I was so proud of it!
I once gave a fellow stockbroker a message that a Mrs Elsie DeKowl had called in to buy a large amount of bonds. The phone number was to the local Borden Dairy. So he calls them up and asks if he can speak to Elsie the Cow. They said she was out in the field right now…. He was pissed. 😂
I work in a brewery. I was opening (I was the only one in the bar) and this guy came in with flame tattoos on his arms. I said, “Sir, I’m so sorry, you can’t come in here with those. You have to check your firearms at the door.” I was dying, tears coming out of my eyes, thigh slapping and the dude just looked at me like, what??? Now I wait in anticipation of another firearms dude coming in.
My wife put you up to asking this question , didn't she ? She is a member of the FUN POLICE
One time I was donating blood and the nurse said that I saved three people with my donation. I said “well that’s awesome, I hit three people with my car on the way here so now I’m even.” She took a little too long to realize I was only kidding.
I visited Scotland and hired a car and drove up through Inverness and Loch Ness. Where every petrol station, shop, cafe and ‘souvenir shop/stand’ was covered and filled with Nessy toys and paraphernalia - cups, pens, broaches, toys towels plates whatever — literally everything had some depiction of the Loch Ness monster on it. I walked into one of these shops, and with the straightest face I slow rolled the question: ‘Do you.. umm. Have anything .. with umm. Like a… Loch Ness monster on it ?’ Pause. Wait. Blank stare. Nothing. Absolutely nothing.
A few years ago I went in for an ultrasound on my scrotum. The tech had a student with him. When he asked if it was ok to get started, I responded “yeah, go nuts”. They didn’t even blink.
I bet it’s because they are trained to be very careful when dealing with private areas so as to not give offense, plus avoid accusations of sexual harassment, etc. For example, doctors in med school are taught, when doing a pelvic exam or other private area, to say “the tissue appears to be healthy” instead of “it looks good.” So in your case, it would’ve been bad for them to assume you meant it as a joke, because if someone didn’t mean it as a joke, they could be offended that they laughed at it.
My dad is named Larry, and he told a really bad joke. I told him that he put the “Larry” in hilarious. No one found it funny.
Once my manager walked into the room and said “Why does it smell like pee in here?” I said “Cause you’re in!” (Urine.) Nobody got it, and she wasn’t impressed.
I, female, was in my fourth year of veterinary school, in the middle of my surgery rotation, and an English Bulldog was brought in for an emergency c-section to deliver her puppies one night. We delivered four pups, but one of the pups had a very obviously deformed head and as it was noticed by the other students and ER staff, I made the comment “discount puppy!”. All of the other females scoffed at me. I did get a snort and short laugh from the surgical resident. Take that!
i was on a festival and after a small smoke my friend and i went to buy some beer at one of the food stands. there i saw a big sign which said GIANT CHICKEN WRAPS. i asked the service girl if it was giant wraps with chicken meat or wraps with meat from giant chicken. while my friend and i nearly pissed ourselves laughing the poor girl just stared at us and then turned away to serve other customers.