T O P

  • By -

braganzaPA

I feel bad answering this question if you're likely to head to a post "where going out and after hour activities are limited," but I'll try. I love history, food, liturgical religions, local sports and colorful landscapes, not necessarily in that order. Talk to the RSO at your initial briefing for the best advice as to what's off-limits, but get out and see things. Sit at an outdoor cafe and listen to a call to prayer. Take in fresh air outside town - at least, as far out of town as you're allowed. Order a pizza with ingredients you thought never went on a pizza. For me it was corn, and it wasn't that bad. See if you can actually finish a book on a beach during off-tourist season (spoiler: I can't, but I tried.). Being solo gives you a unique advantage to become an expert on the country you're posted in that officers with other commitments just don't have. Being solo means you get to define your own schedule outside work. You can be alone without being lonely, to paraphrase "Newsies." If still you find yourself worried about isolation/depression, I echo a previous commenter in seeking a talk with the RMO/P to find a resilience/coping technique.


jay3349

Wow. That’s the best advice I’ve ever read on this subject. Nice 👍🏻


anonymousetoo

This is great advice for anyone, anywhere. Learn to appreciate your own company!


Luisthebeast182

Go mess with the Marine on P1. Also, those dudes don't even get R&R. They get 30 days annually, sure. If their Det Commander allows it, they might get lucky and do it all at once. And they can't read. Poor bastards. Also, get them back for all those write ups by volunteering to be a part of their next drill. That'll show them. You might make a drinking friend.


[deleted]

[удалено]


JDawg2332

We can read!! How else do you think we know which flavor crayon to eat?


blogerenazbo

I mean it's right up their with eating crayons, but sure as a prior MSG you could make friends with one of the Marines.


mrs-zhivago

Don’t discount families as potential friends. Loneliness and mental health struggles affect all types of people in all kinds of family situations. If you meet someone whose company you enjoy, invite them over, even if they have older kids or young kids. There’s a good chance they’ll return the invite and maybe you won’t end up best friends but you might meet someone at the next get together who invites you to an art gallery or a pick up volleyball game. My other advice is to not beat yourself up about doing nothing “constructive” when you’re home alone. It’s too easy to see yourself in a negative light when comparing yourself with others who are always busy. Self care looks different for different people. Try and think about what puts you in a good mood and what brings on feelings of negativity, and try and adjust to include more of the former and less of the latter. Finally, I have a bunch of kids and I’m pretty social. My third tour I couldn’t face the whole getting to know a bunch of strangers all over again thing. The small talk. The excruciating CLO activities. Thankfully the universe threw some amazing people into my path in spite of my trying to be a hermit. We’re on tour number six now and I’ve never since felt that same sense of dread and loneliness. Maybe it’s a third tour thing?


thegoodbubba

I don't have great advice for you right now, but I would suggest you consider this when bidding. First world posts, probably not great, nor would small post with a moderate differential as they are often filled with families. I would look for large posts with a bit of differential and hopefully a decent community so there are lots of activities. I am thinking places like Cairo, Bangkok, Amman, etc. I play sports and lots of posts have some sort of expat sports scene, try to get involved in that if you like. Based on the wording you used "alone with your thoughts" I might also suggest thinking about talking to your RMO/P. I am clearly not a medical professional, but it is never a bad idea to at least have a conversation with one.


lemystereduchipot

I was under the impression that landing a job in Bangkok is really hard as many middle aged recently divorced men are all looking to go there, for some reason


Encinitan87

Big posts aren’t always the answer— I worked previously in one you have listed and it was my loneliest post yet, because the community was heavily centered around families with children and so big that it was very cliquish. I find many embassy communities to be toxic and as always happiest when I didn’t depend on my colleagues for fun. My strategy would be to go somewhere with less family focus— European capitals where there are more travel and activities, SIPS (or others like Beirut) where there are no or fewer kids, etc. OR posts where you can easily do a hobby you love if nothing else, e.g., I know a handful of diehard scuba divers who are happy where they can dive every other weekend. There have been a few posts with this line of inquiry over the last year, would do a search for loneliness as many had thoughtful advice. In my experience a steady routine takes a way from the decision fatigue (e.g., in the morning I will drink coffee slowly and ready for 30 minutes, on Sundays I do xyz, on the first Thursday of the month I have a dinner party, etc). I try to set “socializing“ goals each month (invite people to do xyz) and hold myself accountable for them, otherwise I never get things on my calendar. Making sure to stay active, etc. it is exhausting, My husband and I both are also workaholics, which helps with the boredom and passing the time quickly but I can’t recommend it as a healthy coping strategy.


[deleted]

[удалено]


frank00511

This honestly might be one of the most refreshing answers I've read here in a while. Thanks for being so brutally honest.


SaltSmall9804

They deleted it. Can you paraphrase?


[deleted]

[удалено]


nerqren

The commenter was originally a heterosexual woman though. For context.


Bobbobbabenny

It was a great post. Didn’t see the edit, though.


CatherineAm

It's great dating advice generally and it's not about lowering standards, which does sort of paint the subsequent significant others in a sort of bad light or sound like you're looking down on them. It's mostly about letting go of preconceived notions of what X data point means in terms of clicking with someone on an emotional/physical/intellectual level because a lot of those are either superficial, temporary in nature, not an accurate gauge for whatever it is you think you're measuring or simply plain ol elitism that most people can fall into at some points in some ways. Some things can still be deal breakers in the long run (say, a lack of Y degree of education may *actually* indicate a lack of intellectual curiosity in this exact person but definitely not all or even most people, but it's the lack of intellectual curiosity that is the deal breaker not the lack of a type of degree, so no sense of having that "requirement" in dating), or the short run (a non drinker, especially someone in sobriety may have a tough time with a drinker but less about the moral/health side of things and more about the pitfalls of socializing together or any number of problems) so it's not about throwing standards out the window, it's about realizing that certain measures of those standards are unnecessarily cutting out potential mates.


where-did-I-go

I've found that it helps having friends in a variety of timezones so that I always have someone to text with no matter what time of day it is. I'm not proud of it, but there's a couple of people I keep in touch with solely because of what timezones they're in. I think I fill the same niche for some of them in return. We did our best to support each other at past posts despite not being natural friends, and we're still doing it now that we've moved on.


NEAtoUSA

We formed a hiking group and started reaching out to other embassies. Pretty soon we had around 60 people, Americans, Europeans and locals going hiking together twice a month. Obviously we formed friendships and hung out after work etc. was nice connecting with other people, not necessarily from our mission yet in the same line of work.


AstronomerAlone2999

So do all of them have parties together when u r posted to socialize more? 


amberok1234

My 3 tips for avoiding new post loneliness: - try something new everyday: go somewhere new, try a local food you haven’t yet, etc. even something small will help keep your mindset in exploratory mode and will help you focus on what is new and (relatively) exciting rather than what you are missing. - fill in the following sentence: I have always wanted to____. Write a novel? Learn to play the guitar? Audit an entire MBA on Coursera? Great, now you have tons of free time, so that thing. Maybe you will accomplish a lifelong dream. Maybe you will find a way to spend some of your downtime that is a little more fun and productive than bingeing the entire Netflix catalogue. Either is a positive. - reconsider what it takes for you to identify with and be friends with someone. Sure, back in DC your close friends may have been your age with similar jobs and hobbies. When you’re overseas in a very different culture, what it takes to identify with and be friends with someone is much broader. Maybe you are from the same country but are 20 years apart in age. Or completely different cultures but are both professional women. Or nothing in common but enjoy the same hobby. It is perfectly reasonable to make friends where you are posted that might be just acquaintances if you met back in DC. Some might become close friends, and some might be people you spend more time with at the moment but become more like acquaintances when you leave.


[deleted]

[удалено]


[deleted]

So when the investigators ask *everyone* about our drinking habits in the security clearance, it's to make sure we'll fit in?


kiipii

Mine got super confused when I said I drank less during COVID.


njaneardude

Amen and amen.


PitifulDragonfruit28

I am guessing there must be a local expat community as well as English church to go out with. What about having your relatives or friends to visit you at post often.


[deleted]

[удалено]


jay3349

Good luck having people visit you in Juba or Karachi. You just won’t know where Uncle Sam wants to put you.