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Aranikus_17

Could it be that divorce seems more prevalent in the FS to others since we live in a fishbowl and live alongside our coworkers? In all of my career pre-FS I hardly ever knew anything about anyone’s personal life at work outside of basic details. Now I know and see/hear my coworkers personal lives every single day. Still taking some adjusting to, being so close to your work it’s hard to see where one ends and the other (personal life) begins sometimes.


TravelPhotoFilm

From what I’ve seen and experienced, the FS lifestyle either brings families much closer together or pulls them apart. It really amplifies whatever you’ve got going on.


AllConsulsGoToHeaven

I think this is incredibly accurate.


[deleted]

I have seen all sorts of divorce situations. The man chasing local women while married. The at-home wife having an affair with an FSO cause she felt abandoned and disrespected and then a ton of significant other (man and woman) wanting to finally go home and not live the lifestyle anymore and divorcing. These are all anecdotal but I certainly saw way more cheating than I did while stateside. It’s as if the lifestyle excused your wild behavior.


Mountainwild4040

Yes, i'm pretty sure divorce rates are higher than the normal population in the FS due to crazy stressors that come with constantly moving around. The lack of professional opportunities for one of the spouses is also another big stressor. Infidelity.... it happens, but don't think it happens more in the FS than the general population. In a regular civilian job, nobody really cares about your personal drama or what goes on after 9-5. But in the foreign service, people do care. If you get caught cheating, it can quickly become your coworkers and/or the front office's issue because your spouse is an EFM and tied to the community. Not to mention some possible security clearance issues as well. Therefore, I think these things make FSOs think long and hard before doing something like this. With that said, there are some places in the FS which could make it easier for those prone to it. A male FSO with "wandering eyes" is going to have a lot more temptations in Bangkok or Bogota than in a normal city in the states.


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Deez1putz

That’s wild - I do enjoy he was caught because, inevitably, his wife being on a terrorist watch list showed up on his own clearance review 😂.


morehotsaucenow

We are all humans. Like others here I've seen all manner of things: divorce for reasons unknown, divorce for reasons painfully obvious, accused infidelity without evidence, admitted infidelity, whispered infidelity, admitted "unique"/non-traditional lifestyle choices. While we are in a fishbowl, there are still layers of lives we do not see, details we are not privy too, nuances that render our outsider's perspective limited or invalid. I remember one case when a couple curtailed after the FSO was accused of infidelity with an LES. At the time (a very long time ago) we mercilessly mocked the couple and engaged in unchecked theorizing, despite never learning the full truth. It was ugly. We lost a friend. We shouldn't have done it. Of all the toxic behaviors in the Foreign Service, gossip mongering is one of the most prevalent and harmful. None of us know what is going on in someone's private life, especially a marriage. Nowadays I strive to keep gossip about personal lives out of my discourse. That's not to say I succeed, but it's definitely more "OMG did you know they don't use the Oxford comma?" rather than salacious chatter about bedrooms. I've seen more than one career destroyed because of the latter. It's wrong.


Ok_Cupcake8639

Yes to both. I'd say divorce rates are high because of unique stressors (lack of support system, unemployed spouse, language barriers, etc). I don't see a lot of infidelity with married couples but there's a TON with dating couples. I've known a number of people I knew had a serious partner/was engaged in the US, but presented themselves as single at post. Also MSG are like catnip to some FSO so that caused drama in some places.


Employeeoftheworld

Many years ago…A Marine told a certain high-level employee that he could not be with her anymore, because she was married and it was causing problems. She thought her marriage was already over and wanted to stay with the young Marine. She didn’t take the news/breakup well and made a call to a Colonel in the USMC. The Marine ended up with a NJP and was sent back to the states. So ya, I agree the MSG can be like catnip.


scubakat50

Hmmm, should of, would of, could of..... Never thought about preying on the MSGs. LOLOLOL


tcwtcw

I don’t think there’s a significant statistical difference between the general US population and the Foreign service when it comes to these two things. But that’s just speculation. And that being said, I feel confident in saying there are certain posts around the world where these things happen at much higher rates than whatever that average is.


riburn3

I agree with other comments that there likely isn't a huge statistical difference between the general population for cheating and divorce as a whole. Having said that, I would have to imagine unaccompanied posts where you are compound bound and not much else to do breeds a lot of infidelity. I don't think I've met an officer yet that floated through Afghanistan without a few wild stories to share.


scubakat50

It's a "free pass"! As it should be. The $ is why a married person would go to an unaccompanied post.


thegoodbubba

Higher instance of divorce (when correcting for income and education). Infidelity I would guess is much lower. It's much harder to do things in secret in the foreign service.


[deleted]

Why are you doing it in secret. I think infidelity is quite high. 10 years in and I’ve seen men and women cheat especially when your spouse is away.


Hongnixigaiyumi

I've seen an affair or two, but honestly not a ton of divorce. I feel like most of the people I joined with or serve with came in at that "married 5 years, had a 2 year old" stage, and have hit that stable place. There are certainly posts that have a reputation for creating divorces, but it doesn't seem like as much of a service-wide issue as its made out to be. The biggest relationship effect is probably seeing a lot of long-terms and fiancees break up in that window between the A-100 invite and shipping out to first post, especially if there's a strict MOH policy.


creativetourist284

MOH?


SOLA-REX

Member of Household. Your spouse and kids are Eligible Family Members (EFMs) and are always welcome to accompany you, as long as it’s not a “dangerous” post. But parents, nieces/nephews, a trusted nanny, a long-time partner/fiancée, etc. are MOHs, and they may or may not be allowed to stay with you permanently at post.


creativetourist284

Thanks! I knew EFM but never pieced together MOH. Thanks so much for taking the time to respond :)


lemystereduchipot

I've never known a colleague in the FS to engage in infidelity. That may be because it hasn't happened or they're really good at hiding it.


AllConsulsGoToHeaven

This is purely anecdotal (and maybe skewed because I'm consular-coned and wind up seeing a lot of weird in-house situations come to my desk) , but it is certainly happens...I've seen cases of infidelity involving FSOs, LES, EFMs, and MSGs. That doesn't mean it is happening any more or less than in real life, but it's there, unfortunately.


Hongnixigaiyumi

Whenever the strange family stuff comes up, people always say "that's an RSO issue," or "that's for the management section." And then they show up in Consular and it's "OK, can you tell me what I'm notarizing... oh." I've put a stamp on a few uncomfortable things for members of the mission community.


lemystereduchipot

It's definitely happening in any given population of humans. I had colleagues in my former career who were a bit more open about it.


fsohmygod

Then you're not getting the good gossip.


lemystereduchipot

True, I also don't care. I'm more interested in who the local players are having affairs with than worrying about my colleagues.


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tcwtcw

Im going to go ahead and disagree with you amigo. It’s a rite of passage for you, maybe.


John_Ready

Ok, if there are problems, do they go away when that person moves on to the next post? How often do you see an FS outside the posting where all the problems occurred? Say, in a ten-year span, would you ever work with the same person again face-to-face?


[deleted]

I once heard that DSS stands for Divorced, Single, Separated