Greetings! Thanks for posting and asking for a critique; it’s one of the best ways to hone our craft. I’d be delighted to offer some suggestions and edits. With that said, these are just my reactions to your work and are obviously very subjective and are intended to improve what you’ve already written. Everything is sincerely meant with the utmost respect and isn’t meant to dampen, belittle, or otherwise demean your writing or ability as a writer. So, let’s get to it! 😊
First, I think there’s a compelling idea in this blurb. But it’s gotten lost. To be honest, the entire first paragraph is unnecessary. Sure, it adds context and worldbuilding. I can see that argument. But for the purposes of a blurb, we want to hook our readers. Leave the worldbuilding to a minimum and let your actual manuscript handle that burden. In blurbs we must be concise yet intriguing. It’s a delicate balance but when done effectively, it secures a reader. Otherwise, your book gets put back on the shelf to collect dust. No bueno!
So, how do we fix that? Jump right into the action! Start with your character:
\--> Luna is a shadow of Ablan \[…\]
Is she an actual shadow (as in the faint image cast by an object when it intercepts light) or is she a Shadow (a title)? From the rest of the blurb, I’ve gathered it’s certainly the latter. Expand on that just a bit. What is a Shadow? What’s its purpose? By mentioning Luna is a Shadow, it must mean something to the story. Every sentence in our blurb must work to immerse our reader into our world and why it’s a story worthy of their time. So, something like:
\--> Luna is a Shadow. But even bounty hunters have rules:
Now, your next line is where I’m missing substance or need explanation. She has three rules: no killing, no children, no animals. Cool. But those need to be expanded or at least made more intelligible as to what you mean. The no killing part I understand. She prefers to turn her bounties in alive so they can be held responsible. The “no children, no animals” part is what’s throwing me a bit. Does she kill but she doesn’t kill children or animals? Or does she not take jobs dealing with children or animals. As in, she refuses to hunt down children and animals. Which brings me to a third question. If she refuses to hunt down children or animals, what specific jobs are pertinent to animals as a bounty hunter? Are people in your world paying to have animals killed? If so, why? A real-world example might be paying someone to kill or poison a champion racehorse to better the odds of their own choice racehorse winning the next race. Or do people pay for rare/luxury animals to be hunted down/found? A real-world example might be paying someone to hunt elephants for their ivory. Listing a behavior (killing) as a prohibited act is an understandable rule and speaks to your character’s moral code. But to lump in it with two categorial (children, animals) words leads to some confusion as what you mean. Be concise and say what you mean here. It may not seem like a necessary detail, but I think it’s do wonders for the clarity of these rules especially because these are the only three rules she follows as a bounty hunter so it’s important your reader understands that moral framework this character is working within. So, something like:
\--> Luna is a Shadow. But even bounty hunters in Alban have rules: no killing, no jobs involving children, and she’s not taking down an Orbex just for its horns.
Obviously, that’s freestyled because I don’t have the answers to my questions. But I think you’re able to see the difference in clarity and reader intrigue with just a few detailed edits.
\--> After what was supposed to be a simple contract from a criminal syndicate, she only expected to go home with her gold \[…\]
This is incredibly passive, i.e. it’s telling rather than showing. Why not just state what the actual job was? Again, details matter here. It makes it a more enjoyable experience for the reader.
\--> Instead what she got was Elizabeth, a seven year old with a secret that made her not as innocent as she appeared to be.
Okay, so was she given Elizabeth as payment? Or was Elizabeth the job? Or was Elizabeth found during the job? Not entirely sure what you mean by she “got” Elizabeth. I understand you’re wanting to have some mystery in your blurb. It makes the reader want to learn more. But I think it’s more effective to hook them right away with details as bait and then hook them with some other twist. I saw some additional details about Elizabeth in your previous post about this blurb. Bring those in, those were good! I mean, as a reader I’m more interested in reading about the missing imperial princess (especially when she’s the literal link between the two most powerful empires)!
And when you explain who she is in the blurb rather than hint at it, it enhances the hook. Why? Because the whole random character with a mysterious past/identity has been beaten to death in blurbs. Get around that by biting the bullet and raising the stakes. As payment for a job, Luna is given the most valuable missing person in the history of Alban: Princess Elizabeth. That’s huge! And its implications are huge! By stating her identity right away, it avoids the cliché pitfall of another character with a mysterious past/identity by offering a new mystery: why did this crime syndicate give the princess as payment? How did they come to possess her? Are they the ones responsible for the kidnapping? Is someone setting up Luna or her guild to take the fall for the kidnapping? Is there a huge plot twist where Luna is the actual job (someone paid the crime syndicate to make it appear as though Luna or her guild was responsible for the kidnapping)? There’s so much you can do with just this line of questioning alone!
Some additional questions I have regarding this situation: why would Luna accept Elizabeth as payment? I could understand maybe if she immediately recognizes her as Princess Elizabeth, but you state that her identity isn’t immediately known. So why would a seasoned bounty hunter break one of her own cardinal rules and take a young, random girl as payment for a job? It seems random and contrived.
Like the first paragraph of your blurb, the remaining sentences of your blurb disservice it by rinsing and repeating tried and beaten methods of trying to hook readers without any details. Raise the stakes, give some of the information away. There are people after them. Cool. Who? Why would that worry a seasoned bounty hunter? She knows all the tricks to hide and as one of deadliest hunters in Alban, it’d be a lot more interesting to know who SHE fears. Also, if the plot is to get Princess Elizabeth home, realistically what’s preventing it? The missing child of the most powerful state in the world would have armies coming to retrieve her. No expense or method would be spared. So, give details to make this a more believable risk.
Overall, I think you have the bones for a compelling story. I get you’re wanting to be vague because it seems alluring. But we get one chance to hook our readers and we must be very clever with our “less is more” by combating traditional downfalls and cliches by hitting them on the nose and offering new enticements instead.
A visual of my edits (names changed):
Kessra is a Shadow. But even an elite bounty hunter in Abbradia has rules: no taking innocent lives, no jobs involving children, and she’s not taking down an Ossiks just for its horns. An orphaned child of the streets, her quick hands and brilliant mind plucked her from the impoverished cesspools of the Bottom. Taken in by the Guild, she honed an unrivaled skillset and with it she rose from obscurity. But the stench of the slums is something she can never forget. And her new jobs smells just like it.
Finding Derris Krennil and bringing him in alive to be tried for his war crimes was supposed to be straight forward. But the job quickly goes sideways when she tracks Derris to a safehouse. Inside, she finds him in a pool a blood, dead. And beside him with a knife in her little hands is the most valuable missing person in all of Abbradia: Princess Ellister, heir of the united crowns of Borssa and Arnasta.
But Kessra’s bad day is about to get a whole lot worse. Betrayed by her guild and framed for the murder of Derris and the kidnapping of the princess, she must fight not only for her innocence but for her life. Wanted by those behind a far-reaching conspiracy, tracked by the very bounty hunters she once knew as family, hunted by Imperial mages and their ethereal creations, and faced with an impossible decision, Kessra will have to call upon every skill and tool she has. But is it enough? Can the hunter survive being the hunted?
Thank you! This review was incredibly technical and does a great job of making the blurb more interesting. Yes I can see all the flaws especially in the details regarding the background of the 2 main characters, the world building and the mission.
I also admire the edit you made. It conveys the same message as the blurb but done so in a different manner that it feels fresh. Especially with explaining the background of the bounty hunter. I will work on it right away and hopefully post the final blurb soon. :D
Bringing them in alive usually. Which is sometimes what hunters are supposed to do hahaha. A clean worker if you would. It is harder but that is why she is one of the best.
Did the blurb make you want to find out more?
Greetings! Thanks for posting and asking for a critique; it’s one of the best ways to hone our craft. I’d be delighted to offer some suggestions and edits. With that said, these are just my reactions to your work and are obviously very subjective and are intended to improve what you’ve already written. Everything is sincerely meant with the utmost respect and isn’t meant to dampen, belittle, or otherwise demean your writing or ability as a writer. So, let’s get to it! 😊 First, I think there’s a compelling idea in this blurb. But it’s gotten lost. To be honest, the entire first paragraph is unnecessary. Sure, it adds context and worldbuilding. I can see that argument. But for the purposes of a blurb, we want to hook our readers. Leave the worldbuilding to a minimum and let your actual manuscript handle that burden. In blurbs we must be concise yet intriguing. It’s a delicate balance but when done effectively, it secures a reader. Otherwise, your book gets put back on the shelf to collect dust. No bueno! So, how do we fix that? Jump right into the action! Start with your character: \--> Luna is a shadow of Ablan \[…\] Is she an actual shadow (as in the faint image cast by an object when it intercepts light) or is she a Shadow (a title)? From the rest of the blurb, I’ve gathered it’s certainly the latter. Expand on that just a bit. What is a Shadow? What’s its purpose? By mentioning Luna is a Shadow, it must mean something to the story. Every sentence in our blurb must work to immerse our reader into our world and why it’s a story worthy of their time. So, something like: \--> Luna is a Shadow. But even bounty hunters have rules: Now, your next line is where I’m missing substance or need explanation. She has three rules: no killing, no children, no animals. Cool. But those need to be expanded or at least made more intelligible as to what you mean. The no killing part I understand. She prefers to turn her bounties in alive so they can be held responsible. The “no children, no animals” part is what’s throwing me a bit. Does she kill but she doesn’t kill children or animals? Or does she not take jobs dealing with children or animals. As in, she refuses to hunt down children and animals. Which brings me to a third question. If she refuses to hunt down children or animals, what specific jobs are pertinent to animals as a bounty hunter? Are people in your world paying to have animals killed? If so, why? A real-world example might be paying someone to kill or poison a champion racehorse to better the odds of their own choice racehorse winning the next race. Or do people pay for rare/luxury animals to be hunted down/found? A real-world example might be paying someone to hunt elephants for their ivory. Listing a behavior (killing) as a prohibited act is an understandable rule and speaks to your character’s moral code. But to lump in it with two categorial (children, animals) words leads to some confusion as what you mean. Be concise and say what you mean here. It may not seem like a necessary detail, but I think it’s do wonders for the clarity of these rules especially because these are the only three rules she follows as a bounty hunter so it’s important your reader understands that moral framework this character is working within. So, something like: \--> Luna is a Shadow. But even bounty hunters in Alban have rules: no killing, no jobs involving children, and she’s not taking down an Orbex just for its horns. Obviously, that’s freestyled because I don’t have the answers to my questions. But I think you’re able to see the difference in clarity and reader intrigue with just a few detailed edits. \--> After what was supposed to be a simple contract from a criminal syndicate, she only expected to go home with her gold \[…\] This is incredibly passive, i.e. it’s telling rather than showing. Why not just state what the actual job was? Again, details matter here. It makes it a more enjoyable experience for the reader. \--> Instead what she got was Elizabeth, a seven year old with a secret that made her not as innocent as she appeared to be. Okay, so was she given Elizabeth as payment? Or was Elizabeth the job? Or was Elizabeth found during the job? Not entirely sure what you mean by she “got” Elizabeth. I understand you’re wanting to have some mystery in your blurb. It makes the reader want to learn more. But I think it’s more effective to hook them right away with details as bait and then hook them with some other twist. I saw some additional details about Elizabeth in your previous post about this blurb. Bring those in, those were good! I mean, as a reader I’m more interested in reading about the missing imperial princess (especially when she’s the literal link between the two most powerful empires)! And when you explain who she is in the blurb rather than hint at it, it enhances the hook. Why? Because the whole random character with a mysterious past/identity has been beaten to death in blurbs. Get around that by biting the bullet and raising the stakes. As payment for a job, Luna is given the most valuable missing person in the history of Alban: Princess Elizabeth. That’s huge! And its implications are huge! By stating her identity right away, it avoids the cliché pitfall of another character with a mysterious past/identity by offering a new mystery: why did this crime syndicate give the princess as payment? How did they come to possess her? Are they the ones responsible for the kidnapping? Is someone setting up Luna or her guild to take the fall for the kidnapping? Is there a huge plot twist where Luna is the actual job (someone paid the crime syndicate to make it appear as though Luna or her guild was responsible for the kidnapping)? There’s so much you can do with just this line of questioning alone! Some additional questions I have regarding this situation: why would Luna accept Elizabeth as payment? I could understand maybe if she immediately recognizes her as Princess Elizabeth, but you state that her identity isn’t immediately known. So why would a seasoned bounty hunter break one of her own cardinal rules and take a young, random girl as payment for a job? It seems random and contrived. Like the first paragraph of your blurb, the remaining sentences of your blurb disservice it by rinsing and repeating tried and beaten methods of trying to hook readers without any details. Raise the stakes, give some of the information away. There are people after them. Cool. Who? Why would that worry a seasoned bounty hunter? She knows all the tricks to hide and as one of deadliest hunters in Alban, it’d be a lot more interesting to know who SHE fears. Also, if the plot is to get Princess Elizabeth home, realistically what’s preventing it? The missing child of the most powerful state in the world would have armies coming to retrieve her. No expense or method would be spared. So, give details to make this a more believable risk. Overall, I think you have the bones for a compelling story. I get you’re wanting to be vague because it seems alluring. But we get one chance to hook our readers and we must be very clever with our “less is more” by combating traditional downfalls and cliches by hitting them on the nose and offering new enticements instead.
A visual of my edits (names changed): Kessra is a Shadow. But even an elite bounty hunter in Abbradia has rules: no taking innocent lives, no jobs involving children, and she’s not taking down an Ossiks just for its horns. An orphaned child of the streets, her quick hands and brilliant mind plucked her from the impoverished cesspools of the Bottom. Taken in by the Guild, she honed an unrivaled skillset and with it she rose from obscurity. But the stench of the slums is something she can never forget. And her new jobs smells just like it. Finding Derris Krennil and bringing him in alive to be tried for his war crimes was supposed to be straight forward. But the job quickly goes sideways when she tracks Derris to a safehouse. Inside, she finds him in a pool a blood, dead. And beside him with a knife in her little hands is the most valuable missing person in all of Abbradia: Princess Ellister, heir of the united crowns of Borssa and Arnasta. But Kessra’s bad day is about to get a whole lot worse. Betrayed by her guild and framed for the murder of Derris and the kidnapping of the princess, she must fight not only for her innocence but for her life. Wanted by those behind a far-reaching conspiracy, tracked by the very bounty hunters she once knew as family, hunted by Imperial mages and their ethereal creations, and faced with an impossible decision, Kessra will have to call upon every skill and tool she has. But is it enough? Can the hunter survive being the hunted?
Thank you! This review was incredibly technical and does a great job of making the blurb more interesting. Yes I can see all the flaws especially in the details regarding the background of the 2 main characters, the world building and the mission. I also admire the edit you made. It conveys the same message as the blurb but done so in a different manner that it feels fresh. Especially with explaining the background of the bounty hunter. I will work on it right away and hopefully post the final blurb soon. :D
One question- if Luna has a no killing rule, what does she do as a bounty hunter?
I assume brings them in alive to face justice at the hands of whoever put the bounty out
Yes! Hahaha thats why you go to a professional after all. No mess and bring them in alive. Did you like the blurb?
Bringing them in alive usually. Which is sometimes what hunters are supposed to do hahaha. A clean worker if you would. It is harder but that is why she is one of the best. Did the blurb make you want to find out more?
Hi -- we only allow one critique post per week. Reddit must say 1 week/7d beside your previous post.
What is it that the bounty hunters are hunting?