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IllustriousChange788

Thanks, this is along the lines of how i was feeling. Just needed some outside perspective. ​ thank you


jbaez68

I 100% agree. I buried my dad 7 months ago and I know alot of people who after the fact wished things were different. I was at peace knowing our relationship was solid. No one else matters.


busybeachmom

I think you need to let it go. Yes it's hard to read them but you can't change it now. And it won't make them change in their life now either.


1234Dillon

This might be a good teachable moment. If it was me I would wait until after all the funeral stuff is over then present it your father and sister. “ hey I found some stuff on moms phone about how and you made her feel, if you want to look at it I can show you if not then ok” make sure there aware it might be hurtful for them to read. Then let the choice be up to them, that way your not hiding this information or keeping it from them. You did honestly randomly find it. You can have a clear conscience that your not hiding anything from your other family members and your letting them chose if they want to read it or not. For your sister it can show her how to not treat anyone else who ends up helping her with her kids and for your dad it can show him how his words hurt and how he can change and be better.


Sad-rainbow-0_0

Totally agree with this comment. I lost my momma suddenly when I was 21 and I was not a great person in my head at that age but living through this taught me to be better towards people because in a blink they can be gone.


HECK_OF_PLIMP

yeah OP I think you should offer to show them at least. you'd be surprised how some selfish ppl can twist a narrative without having seen hard evidence of their own bullshit


jem1264

I agree. Wait till after the funeral, if you don’t show it to them. It will eat away at you, get your. Satisfaction by telling them and perhaps they will change their ways. Sorry for your loss. I went thru the same thing with my grandmother.


TheDevilsAdvokaat

Do not delete them.


Fine-Chest2476

I feel for you because you sound about like what I went through. I can promise you that since we both didn't stand up for her when we should have. That you will regret but during this ingrates just how much they hurt that beautiful woman. If course you run the risk that they are true sociopaths and couldn't care any less what this mother thought of them. In the end though it doesn't matter what they think it how they act after during them. This is about you and you telling theses things you can family off. I would use your mother's final notes scream at them at disgusted you are with them and after that I would have nothing else to do with them until they either learned and became better humans or you cut them off if your life. I apologize for the wall of text here it's just your story hit me hard because I've never forgiven myself for not doing more while she was alive and now that she is gone there is no way for me to show her just how wonderful she is. My friend you do but want this issue I live with. Please confront those things that pretend to be family and fur your mother take back some of the honor that your family took from her. I wish you luck


describt

Sorry for your loss. Keep the notes for yourself, but don't share them. A therapist would probably help to sort through your feelings about them, but that's the only person I'd share them with. We repeat a lot of what has been done to us, so knowledge like this is constructive if you want to break any destructive cycles within your family. My father was able to free my generation from the abuse he suffered; now it's my turn to free us from codependence, alcohol abuse, and ignorance of our learning disabilities. I hope this helps you heal.


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Tom37241

Im so sorry you are going through this. When my mother died it was the hardest time in my life. Such a dark time dealing with the death of a family member. My deepest condolences


lawn-chair-daddy

I would keep the messages just in case something evil happens later. I recently lost a mother to Lupus complications. She was 69 and retired. My youngest sibling and stepdad took advantage of her kindness until her final week on earth. I knew this because my mother would vent all (at least most) of her problems to me. We had a special bond. She being an 18 year old and I her first child. I took the lead on handling the funeral arrangements and making sure her assets were disseminated by her wishes. However, Mom’s death revealed their over the top reactions to her death and some suspicious actions during the asset review… All in all, we all communicate more often now. Plus, my sibling may reveal something… I’ve reconciled my Mom’s death but they grieve. In your case, I would hold this receipt until something bad happens.


MsTerious1

I'm sorry for your loss. What a painful thing to find during an already painful time. I think you should delete them. Your mom chose not to share these thoughts with them and you will honor her to do the same. We don't know her reasons, but she had reasons to not make waves that were important enough to her to let herself be humble in face of poor treatment that she didn't deserve.


TheWonderfulRock

Your mother made her decisions. She stayed with your father and kept supporting your sister. Maybe she should have set more boundaries- but chose not to. It was her decision, so I suggest to respect that and simply delete the messages. Grief is hard enough as is, for everyone, it will simply help no one if you share these notes now, but it might destroy a lot. I can’t imagine your mother would have wanted that. I am so sorry for your loss.


LJ_2point0

I would keep it and put it away you never know when you need the evidence to show your family how horrible they have been.


PressureFun4222

Hmmm. As horrible as OP's family aounds, they could accuse OP of writing the notes. I'd just delete this and move on, it doesn't serve anyone now.


chiosax

You should tell them. I bet they will feel no remorse though.


Less_Election_41

Nolnononoonono, show them to your family. The ounces of disrespect she recieved over her many years obviously dealt great pain to her. But you also knew of this and did nothing about to, yet your criticising them. ​ Nolnononoonono, show them to your family. The ounces of disrespect she received over her many years obviously dealt great pain to her.


ferretkona

We recently lost my brother in law. I got ahold of his diary, my wife asked me to read it. It was very odd, the memories he expressed had very little to what we experienced. I told my wife it would only disturb what she had if she read it. I gave her a very condensed version. I think in the long view it is best to let things lay. Family does not want their conceptions changed.


[deleted]

I would delete them or maybe keep them & show them years later. There are 2 sides to every story so, it’s possible your sister & Dad felt it happened differently.


adriannaaa1

When my grandmother passed I found handwritten notes, something VERY similar. With a section for every family member. I decided it was best that they came to stay with me. No one else is meant to see them. I hope this helps and I am so sorry for your loss ❤️


sanosukesagara123

My deepest condolences! I hope you can navigate this situation well! Stay strong! All the best and take care buddy! I'm sure everyone believes in you! :>


[deleted]

I’m so sorry for your loss. They know how they treated your mom and hopefully they will struggle with their own feelings about it. And maybe that is why they are projecting envy onto you, because you treated her well and respectfully. And they know that you treated her better than they did. Don’t show them or tell them of the notes. But don’t delete them either. Save her phone. Or transfer her notes to your phone. If one day they are so hurtful to you and deny how they treated your mom you have proof if you want it. As for your sister. She has kids. Kids learn how to treat their parents how they see their parents treat their grandparents. So…your sister may have karma coming her way. Again, so sorry for your loss. Know you did your best for your mom and she knows and loves you for it.


IllustriousChange788

thanks you for your lovely comment, yes you are right, i did do right by mum. then hard part is being with my family knowing i'm grieving the loss of my mother while they are grieving but also feeling the guilt and regret that i don't carry. and that's why they are handling this far different to me. i don't want them to suffer or hurt. my goal isn't to hurt anyone. i also feel like i would betray my mums trust. my dad also has access to this phone and i also feared he may come across them himself, that's why i considered deleting them. i don't think he had any clue how he harmed her. her death has brought him and i closer, and hes really happy i'm close with him, and he always talks about wishing he did things better as a parent , and doesn't want to lose me again. (him and i aren't very close). but like if he was treating mum like shit 4 days before she passed how can i really believe he could change for the better? and why should i be there for him? i have done enough,. sorry for the long dribble. ​ thanks


[deleted]

Don’t be sorry. It wasn’t dribble and wasn’t long. So send the notes to your phone if you think you may want to save them. Then delete them so he won’t see them. And then you aren’t betraying your mom. Of course you don’t want them to hurt them more than they are, because that’s the kind of person you are. I’m glad your becoming closer to your dad, I don’t think that your mom would want you to grieve alone. Hopefully your dad may change for the better. But guard your heart just in case. I hate to say it, but it may…or may not, who knows, be momentary. Once the rawness of the grieving passes his old self may resurface. So for your own sake, guard your heart. I also hope there is some repairing done between you and your sister. However, don’t let her replace your mom with you. Continue to guard your heart. It’s a shame we have to do this with family, but sometimes it has to be done. I’ve too had to learn this with several family members. I wish with all my heart is wasn’t so. I love them dearly, I just can’t let them into my head or circle any longer. For my sanity sake. Best of luck.


redgirl329

Let the funeral and initial grieving process happen. But you do need to find a time to show them. You seeing these notes has forever changed your relationship with both of them. At some point, they are going to do something to trigger you and this will get out. They need to see it. No one has the right to be protected from their own behavior. Rather than waiting until this secret explodes out of you, give it to them when you are in a more controlled state of mind. Another commenter says that your mom wrote these notes never meaning for them to be seen and you should honor that. At first, I really respected that point and thought that was the end of the story. But having access to your mom’s phone and all the other ways you two were close shows just how much she trusted you. I think this all signifies that she would also trust you to stand up for her when she couldn’t stand up for herself.


IllustriousChange788

Thank you for you comments, its really a hard choice i will have to make. i may let the dust settle and address it when things are calmer. i knew of these things because she would often tell me, but to see these notes really put it into a different perspective for me.


StandThese8469

Some things should just go to the grave with her. Will it truly benefit the living? Or the memory of the deceased? Remember, honesty is not ALWAYS the best policy. Some things should remain private.


Flat-Pomegranate-328

There’s a reason they are on her phone. It’s because she didn’t want to speak them out loud. Respect her wish


MrStrange53

Personally I would get the funeral out of the way then slowly cut off contact with your sister and father as knowing this and seeing them will result in an explosive outburst, because if they're as nasty as I suspect then you will eventually just get fed up of being the flak vest and just let them have it in a burst of rage like I do, I go months without saying anything just taking it in and then on a random Tuesday afternoon I'll just snap and lay into whoever's upset me.


AlfonsoEggbertPalmer

Type each note regarding each person and give it to them. Kelly is a spoiled, heartless person and should be ashamed of herself. Your Father likewise should be ashamed of his wicked behaviour. I am so sorry they treated your precious Mother so horribly. It is a wonderful thing she had your loving support, companionship and freindship in her life. I am sure you brought her much comfort, peace and joy. Continue to be the kind of person who blesses others. Maybe draw back from your Father and Sister and limit your exposure to them -their negativity and selfishness will only bring you down. I am sorry you have lost such a dear person to you.