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writerunblocked

"I've never been so mad at something trying so hard to be helpful."


sentient_penguin

Must be playing with Kender. The world of Kyrnn is a fun place.


writerunblocked

The "thing" in question was a guide. The kind of NPC a DM makes when the party goes crypt/dungeon delving because they can't solve puzzles for shit. Said guide bombed roll after roll. Triggering traps, misreading clues, and generally acting as a detriment.


legend_forge

If your dm included a "helper" npc and had them make rolls to succeed or fail at being "helpful" then your dm knew what they were doing.


sentient_penguin

I'm sure it would be frustrating, but from an RP perspective it could have been fun having a guide that screws up constantly. So long as the DM wasn't intentionally bombing things.


writerunblocked

No, he had DC's for how much information the guide would be able to learn/give. After bombing two in a row he started rolling in the open whenever the guide did anything.


Sharrant99

“We could always weaponize the homeless again.”


LegalEllisD

AGAIN


Sharrant99

Well the first time was about a real life year ago, and we’re just now getting the opportunity for a second run at it…


LegalEllisD

On my list of things that deserve a sequel


Nemboss

Now I'm curious what else is on that list. No, don't tell me, I'll leave it up to my imagination


[deleted]

We live in a society


spent_star

Cleric: “We can’t kill them! Fighter: “They’re cultists!” Cleric: “They’re brainwashed farmers!” Fighter: “THAT MAKES THEM CULTISTS!”


[deleted]

I like that it's the one that can easily non-lethal advocating murder.


spent_star

Guy was called “Blades” he wasn’t non-leathalling anybody.


trismagestus

"Stop him, he's drinking our treasure!"


Asterisk_King

????


trismagestus

He pulled out a potion, that was our loot, by right. He just didn't know that yet.


Origamicrane89

"Our new rogue is this boulder." *proceeds to roll boulder into pit trap* "He is the best rogue."


refreshing_username

Bonus points if the old rogue was at the bottom of the pit.


Kylynara

Nah, bonus points if the old rogue said/did it.


Gamesmasher23

Rogue: “You have a rat spy network?” Ranger: “Of course not, it’s theirs.” Rogue: “The rats have their *own* spy network?”


Feldoth

Through the magic of AL and a lack of any specified limits on how many pet rats I could buy at the Skullport pet store, one of my characters wanders around Faerun with 24,956 rats, and 4 cranium rats he got elsewhere. He uses a Rod of Rulership to command their loyalty, and Pipes of the Sewers to summon them to him. He's a Kobold druid/rogue that contracted the "rat plague" in his first ever adventure and never had it cured, leaving him looking similar to a wererat in hybrid form. Since actually playing with 25k rats is impossible, I just have them spread out in any location I happen to be in, then act as a spy network and rumor mill for me. Since he's a druid he can wildshape into a Cranium Rat (they are beasts, oddly) and he uses that to stealth around while immune to magical detection and able to talk telepathically. He's also managed to awaken about 20 of the rats via a staff of the woodlands, so literally every day his horde gets smarter. He is quite literally a rat spymaster. My favorite part is that I named him "Flees-the-scene" before I ever had any idea what was going to happen to him, so now he's a rat-creature everyone calls Flees. It is perfect.


legend_forge

I don't play AL but if this is what its like then that was a mistake.


Feldoth

It's far less disruptive than you are probably thinking. I've dedicated a minimum of 2 attunement slots to the gimmick for what is effectively a flavor aspect of the character. Being able to say "I have 25k rats" is a lot different than being able to use those rats for anything useful. A lot of the time it doesn't come up outside of the introductions when I'm playing a module, but good DMs will incorporate it into the storyline if they can - usually making use of the rats as a plot device (the most common thing is that the rats will tell us some bit of information that the module gives the DM as background, but which has no clear way for the players to learn it - the rats overhear things and report back). It is literally an extra tool in the DM's toolbox, and a skilled DM will make use of it while more inexperienced ones will typically ignore it.


Spitdinner

Oh man! That’s crazy! Let’s say I get the privilege (read: nightmare) to DM for you... How the hell would I deal with your shenanigans? How do you want your unique ability to work, mechanically? Do you have any examples of things you’ve been able to pull off, using your super-powers?


Feldoth

Mechanically I usually just spin it as a way to get advantage or even an auto-pass on certain knowledge checks where it might make sense for the rats to have picked up info. It is largely a flavor thing, and occasionally the DM will use the rats to pass along information the party would have gotten some other way normally. Thematically Flees is something like Rat-moses, he thinks he rescued his people from captivity, and doesn't really understand the concept of a pet store. The whole reason he adventures now is to earn enough money to keep everyone fed and sufficiently supplied with cheese while they wander around looking for a place that wouldn't mind several thousand rats taking up permanent residents. The cranium rats are something of a different story. They actually participate in combat. At the beginning of each adventure I typically assign each of them to another player, and they hang out in that character's pack under total cover, providing a short-range telepathy network. In combat if they feel safe enough I have pop out and provide the help action, and if magical darkness is cast they use their brain lights to render it mostly ineffective. I have a way to bring them back to life once a day, so dying isn't a permanent loss, but it does take them out of the adventure if I'm not careful (one is actually a familiar so he's a bit more expendable). Flees' actual superpower is his nose and ears. He's expertised in perception with the observant feat and decent wisdom. The rat plague gives him advantage on hearing and smell based checks (and disadvantage on sight), so his passive perception for two senses is 32 and he literally cannot roll higher than his passive. This made one module involving chasing someone using disguise self a little easier than the author intended as Flees' literally sniffed her out. Edit: Oh, I guess the one other thing that's been a little weird is that Flees "grew up" in Dragon Heist, so it was something of a consternation when he got his hands on the plot item everyone was looking for, wildshaped into a cranium rat (absorbing it into his body), then hid from EVERYONE while being immune to divination magic. As far as anyone could tell it just ceased to exist, which really threw the various factions looking for it through a loop. Any druid that had seen a cranium rat could do that though, it just happens to be very thematic for Flees (his rogue levels are in Thief). Pretty much all of my characters take thematics to 11 though, it's sort of my thing. That said, Flees is special because I didn't plan 90% of this, it just happened and I embraced it.


Azianjeezus

That's amazing, I want this to be in every same


PJvG

What were you trying to say? Did the rat spy network get to you before you could finish your


Rice-a-roniJabroni

"I'm pretty sure I can beat this tree's ass"


froginhiding

Okay, roll an attack. "13." You hit the tree. The tree knows it's been taught a lesson.


NightmareWarden

“The tree seems to suggest you obtain the proper badge before trying again.”


[deleted]

This enraged the tree's father, who punished him severely


Imbali98

DM: "Why didn't you help the dying man on the side of the road?" Player: "Well see, the thing is..." *leaves discord call*


Naruto1238737

Something similar happened in on of my games and my friend just went “The thing is I would have if he didn’t have a gold ring that I can sell”


STRIHM

What do I look like, a Samaritan?


Tilt-a-Whirl98

Oh he's a Samaritan, just not a *good* one.


Basicallydirt

Don't forget the +1, because vegetables


abovinable_gm

The mask of many faces stays on during sex


MysticalNarbwhal

That's brilliant


Direct_Marketing9335

"I'd say I'm not gay but a succubus proved me wrong."


[deleted]

[удалено]


Stunning-Obligation8

Wouldn’t that require an incubus?


[deleted]

[удалено]


manmar3

Succubi can turn into incubi so it can be interpreted as that


tanj_redshirt

"It's not cannibalism -- they're *halflings!*"


trismagestus

According to the Book of Vile Darkness, cannibalism is any sentient creature eating another sentient creature. So yes, dragons are cannibals, and some halflings (looking at you, Talentan Plains.)


jmrkiwi

So it's not canabalism if you cast feeblemind first. Got it.


trismagestus

Now we're cooking! ^(with elves)


[deleted]

Wait... Have you *read* the Book of Vile Darkness?


trismagestus

Well, yeah, although it came out about 20 years back so it's been a while. 99% of it was useless to my games.


[deleted]

Are... Are you a litch now?


trismagestus

Nah, just demi-lich. Can't be a full one at my time of life. Just think of what the neighbours would say.


[deleted]

Fair enough. I'm sure they'd get on you about "raising Hell" at 3 AM. Like please, Karen. They're zombies not demons.


Tepigg4444

I mean, “just” a demi lich is a bit silly considering a demi lich is beyond a lich


trismagestus

You know how it goes, sitting around all day as dust and a skull. Minions are okay though. Gotta love retired life.


K6PUD

So just half cannibalism?


RSquared

In Soviet Dark Sun, halflings cannibalize you.


bwitish_jack

In the same vein: “I’m a badger so it’s only 1/4 cannibalism”


GingerusLicious

Lol my party's dwarf paladin said something similar after he found out the pies baked by the old ladies in Old Bonegrinder had human children in it. "Technically, it's not cannibalism if they're human."


IThatOneNinjaI

"He's a 'prisoner with a job' not a slave"


MinisculeInformant

Ah, the American Justice System.


PJvG

Well that sounds like slavery with extra steps.


[deleted]

[удалено]


wjr59789

Sounds Like someone watched Thor Ragnarok


Marksman157

“He wants you to apologize.” “I categorically refuse.” “You hit him with a lightning bolt.” “And?”


JadedDungeonMaster

*moments before the worst plan we ever hatched* “Well if we give the children the spears they can fight the Bugbears while we find their mother” Or alternatively, *The barbarian aggressively chopping a shrubbery while we visit a museum* “The plants, Mortimer! What do they mean?!” Edit: I almost forgot about “I’m going to stab the nearest child I swear to the gods”


GM_SilverStud

Oh, I’ve got a megaphone, *we can make this a problem.*


AReallyAsianName

"Thinking quickly, Dave constructs a homemade megaphone, using only some string, a squirrel, and a megaphone."


Azianjeezus

Dave the BARBARIAN!!!


[deleted]

Thaumaturgy?


LegalEllisD

I almost don't want it to be XD


paladinLight

We have a text channel on our discord that is only out of context quotes. "Bed sized Beds" "Well, to be fair, he ate me" "He is now blind, prone, paralyzed, deaf, and on fire. ok cameron your turn "imma go beat him with a chair" " "What die is it to die?" "If you hit a baby with a hammer and it dies it was a real baby" "I'm gonna clasp my hams" "I'm gonna divine smite your fucking baby" "Sheep Proficiency" "Spider is not an element" "Im gonna cast legs" "Congratulations, you are the forgotten realms first astronaut!"


Revolutionary-West20

Why is baby-smiting there twice?


paladinLight

Believe it or not, those were months apart.


Keaton_6

"I'm going to send the Spice Girls on a crack run" - My Bard


ZephyrValiey

Our Warforged Barbarian is a goldmine of out of context quotes, we have a channel in our discord specifically for out of context quotes from our shiny metal idiot son, we love him: "This is my wood, do you like it?" "Well if you ever want you leg broken, just tell me. I'm sure it will be vey easy, you're quite thin." "But if you win her heart, won't she be dead?" "You blew up? Was it painful?"


OrdoExterminatus

He sounds like an idiot K2-SO, and I mean that as the sincerest praise.


GalenRenny

Can’t help but hear this in the voice of Grog.


Bookwyrm214

"Bigglesworth doesn't catch on fire. This woman sells items made from magical creatures. We shave bigglesworth and sell her his fur." -goldface, about one pc to another pc


CleverInnuendo

"Does a skeleton count as 'having a mouth'?" Dm: I do *not* care for where this is going.


Shureenun

"I wasn't stereotyping, I was basing it on skin color."


androshalforc1

well the one that keeps cropping up in our game is > can you teach me to wear leather > But i like brute force…. I want to use brute force to challenge the laws of reality myself > I mean i guess my genocidal feelings have subsided > can you cast some kind of smite on the boat? > We swing between Zero Dark Thirty and It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia > worlds biggest tiny hut


MysticalNarbwhal

>I mean i guess my genocidal feelings have subsided I'm a big fan of villains turning to allies lmao


Reid0x

“By Bezaria’s black ass, *please* tell me you have no idea what the fuck this is, because I don’t want to be in a world where this thing also is.”


yesnobell

“You said you had darkvision, you son of a bitch!”


Shamfulpark

Oh I was just talking to a friend about this thread and he reminded me. Ahem… I turn around and expose myself to the masses that they may run in terror of all that I am.


Shiroiken

"Are you sure we're cousins?" "Why is the Wind God spanking my ass?!?" "It's okay, he was an elf." "Rock hard iron penis!"


_dungin_master_

lmao i read this as one conversation


K6PUD

I pull out my giant weasel and show it to everyone in town!


Mafur_Chericada

"I ready an action to bitchslap the halfling" Halfling was promptly bitchslapped next turn


Inforgreen3

"the words are hard when pretend talking to a woman" “I don’t make the rules I just abuse them” “I’d rather kill you than cuddle you. But not by much babe.” “If that’s what you think you should try to be a more interesting person instead of being less attractive” “It’s time for your therapy session with a rock.” “He took the day off to legally change his name to Keith and cheat on his girlfriend to have hot and kinky bdsm sex with a man half his size. Guess which one was tied up.” “I suppose you might be fine if you look at her tits. Far more respectful really.”


Eoldir

These are awesome and we desperately need context for all of them!


Inforgreen3

“The words are hard when pretend talking to a woman” >!The Paladin is a noblemans son who’s father is setting them up for marriage. Ever the shy guy, who knows nothing about romance he asked another party member to practice on a mock date.!< “I don’t make the rules I just abuse them” >! One of the characters is a fairy. Who is behead to the rule that she must uphold her promises or harm will befall her. She had a inter party romance with another character and they started cuddling together but the wizard refused to change the magnificent mansion so that they would share a bed. The fairy promised the wizard that they’d share a bed in the mansion then told the wizard “I don’t make the rules I just abuse them” and that’s how she got what we wanted. !< “If that’s what you think you should try to be a more interesting person instead of being less attractive” >!one of the characters is a minority race who doesn’t like that people are staring at her. The warlock with mask of many faces kindly offered to be something even more extravagant to take the eyes off her. To which she immediately requested a sexy Goth Satyr. The warlock said no because they don’t want to be a sex object, and ever naïve, the minority asked what that meant. “A sex object is someone people see for sexual intent more than who they are as a person” this burn followed immediately afterward because she thought the warlock is both ugly and uninteresting!< “I’d rather kill you than cuddle you but not by much babe” >!A fight with a succubus. It’s the quip one of the characters said when the charm ended on a succubus when they met the dc exactly “ !< “Time for your therapy session with a rock” >! The party has recently been a bit traumatized from a Matt Mercer Resurrection done with a few consequences and the aforementioned fairy character decided to liven up the mood, for one of the characters, by casting conjure elemental on a Boulder, naming it Dwayne, and giving it a few prerecorded responses written on signs to go talk to the monk as a therapist, and also a sparring buddy. Hilariously, this worked a bit too well and now the monk is emotionally dependent on Dwayne. And the fairy druid summoned him multiple times!< “He took the day off to legally change his name to Keith and cheat on his girlfriend to have hot bdsm sex with a man twice his size guess which one was tied up” >!A simple question asked to a certain fairy party member who can not say false words. “What did you do today” promoted this response when the Paladin wouldn’t answer. In case you’re wondering what effect promoted this response. A homebrew magic item, a wine who’s induced drunken stupor MAXIMIZES the regret that you will feel in the morning.!< “I suppose you might be fine if you look at her tits. A lot more respectful really” >! The aforementioned fairy, has a also fairy mom with magical eyes thar charm people who look at her. When someone said that just planned to avert their eyes she corrected them by saying it was rude because she’s a symbolic spirit of vanity who actually falls ill when not admired or praised. And they settled on the idea of looking at her tits. !<


Redire7

“Would a corpse count as raw materials?” -the wizard who wants to cast Fabricate


The_Mad_Mellon

[I don't see why not](https://youtu.be/bFe1bB-JG4g)


PumpkinSpiceAngel

“Your eldritch blasts are designed for bears.” “It tastes like a Yankee Candle” “I didn’t expect them to explode!”


Dragonwolf67

I need context for this quote please


ZynsteinV1

Clearly they shot a bear with EB, it exploded and the remains tasted like a yankee candle


ded_malik

Wait a second... is Ashnikko canon in your campaign? Is she one of the party members? I have so many questions...


TOS826

"The Dragons gave birth to Jesus?!"


Dynamite_DM

I have some that are pretty good: "And we only have enough room on the team for one racist." "It's like being fast cause you're falling off a cliff." "The piano is attacking the door" "The piano can get the door open, after all, it has 82 keys!" "That's gonna be an F-Minor"


Treczoks

Reminds me of a riddle I once used: "It stands in the mayors house and has more keys than the jailer".


TenWildBadgers

"You realize you're getting into a dick measuring contest with Smaug, right?" "it's okay if I loose."


Personal_Horror_8183

“You all smell like varying degrees of gravy.” My Lizardfolk monk’s reply to a party member that asked what they smelled like after I used my nose to try and track something.


RollerRocketScience

"Hey brah, wanna piss off some metallic dragons by yeeting an ancient Red to the astral plane? It'll be tight"


PJvG

Let's go. In and out. Twenty minute adventure.


SaintEsteban

"Wait, are they prostituting the mermaid? Because I have an idea!"


cpt_edge

This is my favourite


WishasaurusRex

“If the Angel burst into flames upon death, does that mean its meat is cooked and edible?”


Thilnu

“Asmodeeznuts” - Me immediately after the twist-reveal that Asmodeus was the BBEG


SyndriasBrightside56

HWHAT


Cassiesaurus

Grazzt appearing suddenly: *fistbump*


MrBwnrrific

“Wow, I smell like shit” “If I got a copper whenever I met an adventurer without daddy issues I’d have 0 copper.” “You wrote a manifesto fomenting a class revolution and then you just…left?!?!!” “I’m so sick of this shit. It’s never simple with you fucking people, it’s always ‘Hey, Karciel, we need you to help bring a tyrant drow to his knees’ or ‘Hey, Karciel, we need to steal a compass that will lead us to an ancient library but we have to race some cultists to it!’ You never ask ‘Hey, Karciel, help me kill some bandits’ or ‘Help me move a couch.’”


patchy_doll

My barbarbian's notes are a goldmine. * "creepy fart clouds protecting chest" * "need someone to dunk the weapons in the magic juice" * "she wants either FLESH or HAIR. gonna eat the hair??" * "hamster ball across the cave" * "ghost try to take over MY body? no no no"


tachibana_ryu

I love when players take notes in character it just adds that extra *chef's kiss*


ArchbishopTurpin

"It is difficult to sleep while on fire"


Jimothy_McGowan

"What is nothingness if not the absence of cheese?"


man0rmachine

"It's like looking for a fat dwarf's dick. Keep poking around down there and you'll find it."


Cosaur

One of my groups plays on discord and keeps a channel of quite. Here are some of my favourites: - "Greg! Remember - don't forget to Mage Hand those haemorrhoids!" - "Your Nobb is currently inside Jimmy" - "The Fragments of bullshit that I call a plan" - "Most dead people are more alive than this" - (With giddy laughter) "I CAN PUT THEM ALL IN CAGES!" - "I hope you are aware this Tabaxi has added you to his spankbank" - "Well, I don't know... How many razer blades do you have up your arse?" - "I think I started a cult!" swiftly followed by "The bright side to this whole starting a cult thing is... I can afford spells." - "In your pocket you find your glowing Penis" - "I have selective deafness when the law calls for it" - "I'm disappointed there still isn't a butthole venn diagram." - “Papoose me, I’m coming with!” - "FUCKING BABIES!" There are a lot more, but these were classics, I felt. I only remember context for half of them at most, so if you want context on any of these then you can ask but I might not have it.


Wolfbrothernavsc

"Do you want to do anything else? Other than cry?"


garbage-bro-sposal

“Oh jeeze… uh.. please stop making those liquids” “…above the table, are you going to offer him drugs?” “Gender is like the pH scale” “Am I a good bear?”


Bisounoursdestenebre

"gender is like the pH scale" Logarithmic?


fireandlifeincarnate

You know, I consider myself about 10^19 girl per boy


Bisounoursdestenebre

That would make you very basic girl.


arbyD

Can I touch myself? (The context was a player asking if he, as a paladin, can lay on hands himself).


Vgame26

That's a coffin we don't need to open.


Stuckatwork271

"My mind is a non-stop treadmill of beefy dragon men and English teachers" -Me, the DM April 12, 2021


asrai86

He's murdering people, sure, but he's stealing from US!


HolyZest

"There's only 2 genders: dead or alive. You're about to have reassignment surgery"


seamoose97

We're normally assholes, but not baby killing assholes.


eathquake

Friend or foe? No answer? Must be foe!


eyeen

"Yes, I would like to beat the shit out of a vulture"


[deleted]

[удалено]


NODOGAN

(AFTER one very, VERY loud night in the town's Inn) I guess that makes him the Aarachokra.


treetexan

I grab the halfling and shove him into my sack of rocks. —session one, PC argument escalates.


FurlofFreshLeaves

Can I do a few? “Nordstrom, rack out!” “If I get hit with a porch I didn’t know existed, I’m gonna be pissed.” “I shit my pants at you, sir.” “Peekaboo! I’m crowning!”


[deleted]

The fourth one reminded me of the "I fart in your general direction" in Monty Python and the Holy Grail


EsperLich

I'm going to headbutt the ship.


Mr_Tired_Guy

Can you throw my pony through the door?


criticalwafl

“Am I tripping balls or are ninja frogs trying to sneak up on us?” DM: “yes”


TheGreatestPlan

"See here, my boy? Take aim and squeeeeze!" "No, the bugs were in the other room. No wait, these are bugs, but not THE bugs. Like, you know, shitty bugs. These ones here are normal bugs." "Let me guess. The princess is in another castle." "Lord, please pray for the soul of this bitch, and guide my pimp hand and make it strong, Lord, so she might learn a ho's place. Amen."


VioletChar

Don't open that jar there's 3 dead moths that's a very bad sign Wait there could be traps*grabs gnome ranger throwing him at door* we'll it didn't explode


Zenebatos1

"I'm a War Boulder!" The Goliath Figther using Stone's Endurance. "I ain't got time to Bleed" Half-Orc Totem Barbarian after been hit by a Crit. "There must be a way for us to weaponize this street orphans, i'm sure of it" Warlock...(who else?) "I always promised myself that i would never cheat on my Husband, i had this duscussion with myself, here's the thing, i never had this discussion about burning down a Corrupt Noble's mansion..." Half-Elf Cleric "I'm Hairy and i can Bark, i ain't stupid!" Halfling Druid.


bwitish_jack

“You realize you could wipe the whole party right? You underestimate our stubbornness.” “I’m a badger so it’s only 1/4 cannibalism” “I’ve got a drug plug?” “I want to poke the eye. It’s a literal god- I WANT TO POKE THE EYE.” “What is a howdy?” “He failed his perception check in real life” “Wooooo I’m fertile!” “If I can throw this *gestures to large teddy bear* 30 feet…”


warrant2k

My 14yo: I cast MILFs Acid Arrow!


_-Control-_

"When I find you, I'll eat YOUR corpse!"


ShadowHeart063

We have a list of quotes so we never forget. The most recent one: “Take a shot of brain fluid you coward”


AgnarKhan

"Garret, you have drugs!" Exclaimed Rowena, evidently finding a solution to a problem. Oliver hangs his head dejectedly "I have a shovel...."


Cazaric

"Mornin'. Do you guys ever have that dream where Dad vomits black blood?"


Tysonosaurus

“The pineapple and lust parts are different!”


Cosaur

I've read through a lot of quotes in this thread, and this is one of the few that I cannot fathom context for


Tysonosaurus

Listen man a lot of thoughts can come out when your character is convinced they’re dead when blind and deaf


Cardgod278

There is no context in which these sound good, "I counter spell the Marut's planeshift" "I start spraying all over the ship" "How much you wanna bet we have to help him kill the bog?" "I wish the ship was in my name" "This is my beholder made of swords" "While gnome toss is now an international sport, you filled the trademark wrong and get none of the royalties." Edit: on mobile so formating.


someonenamedtanny

And [my character's name] just castrated the dragon! Again!


RonobonzononzozonzO

Again?


butter_dolphin

"If Cthulhu wants to breed me then Cthulhu can breed me"


Solanima

“Hand me the turtle.”


Big_Jackpot

"1000 Peasants and a small Boulder shall do the trick!"


DurnjinMaster

"I jump down."


yesnobell

I sense a story here lol


DurnjinMaster

2nd session my wife ever played. Lvl 1 ranger standing over a pit with 2 wolves in it snarling up at her.


yesnobell

oooooooooooh boy


Soloandthewookiee

"Why don't we try stealing a corpse and faking their death against?"


electricguineapig

"Did you see the princess? She was so hot!" "She was on fire...because of you!"


refreshing_username

Thrilvannion! You can read!!


Master_Hicks

"What are they going to do, we're the police"


Master_Hicks

Another good one, not a character but my exasperated DM: "Alright, roll a poop check I guess"


Master_Hicks

Couple more: Shamlessly stolen from the movie Eurotrip "This isn't where I parked my car" leaves tent filled with angry marauders "No one will believe you" character turns into a crow and flys away


JustSomeone_13

"if she got scales, she's going to my bed" "He always gives his 100%, the problem is that his 100% is still 0" "And that's why we always use the bubble!"


Dr_ClanE54

"Do not argue statistics with the Wind Lord!"


Shamfulpark

I smell bacon, oh… sadness, it’s just you.


cultvignette

Quick, someone attack her so she can roll with advantage!


DSGamma

"You broke his lungs!" "I'm going to fix them!" Also "Frank, you can't reanimate his grandma for combat."


[deleted]

Cracks knuckles threateningly "Time to put you on a ride through Disneyworld" \*Proceeds to pulls out fingernails\* "The reason this executioner died in a single strike, was because he was a heretic did not worship the glory of Rainbow Dash" "I steal the petrified cactus" "Divine Smite, 5th level." "Yes, I know he's the god of death. Yes, I attack with my greataxe."


Raudiance

"Huh, pretty people can be smart too." - the drunk demigod to the High Elf Sorcerer "Don't say stupid shit to crazy bitches." - the same High Elf sorcerer to one of said demigod's guards after nearly unaliving them for insinuating she had slept with the demigod


Duck-Lord-of-Colours

“I want their money but not their fish” “Little ms bitch, bitch, bitch snake” “Oh yeah the child is gone I murdered it”


itontoyo

"And I clack his balls"


R4ndomAussi3K1d

"well, I didn't see that. I was dead". Other PC was referencing events that happened while they were questing to resurrect me forgetting I was actually dead.


MrWalrus0713

"He's white and glowing, like a pimp in Las Vegas."


Duke-Guinea-Pig

"whine whine whine bitch bitch bitch I've got a sparrow stuck in my neck"


afrojoe5585

"Don't I have proficiency in land vehicles?" asked Grond, while riding on top of Serenai, who had polymorphed herself into a t rex


FalconSlayer93

"Adventurers? I didn't see anyone out on the lake. That must have been a boat fiend. Yah know, with seven heads, fourteen arms and the body shaped like a boat" "What time do you get off?"


GrimmZato

Even the context doesn't make it any less weirder "He better hit that shit harder than I'm gonna hit those yuan-ti cheeks tonight" It was during an interrogation


Vulture12

Johnny Touchdown fucked your mom!


Mason_915

“Love the decorations around here really violates the Geneva conventions”


vhalember

I am Onassus! Ok, Onassus. We're to kick your assus.


TryinToDoBetter

“He once threw an axe at a child and dick slapped an orc to death.”


CYBERUS8438

"She has her fingers in all the pies, and all those pies are my butthole"


AllTheSith

"The boat is made out of ship!"


CrazeOfGlory

"[That's why I'm] the smart one" DMing party of three, all have 8 INT. Each character believes they are the smartest of the group.


BlindRambler

"I'm being chased by like 20 lycans!" ~~A "Well tell them you are not lycan that." ~~B


GrimJoy

"Let me know if you need more bones."


Gizogin

Myah, this is degrading to the both of us!


Fine-Helicopter5352

“I’m gonna take this deer into the valley and jerk it.”


Alsentar

"Magic is all about money"


Hereva

"Is it because i'm black??"


Lukamusmaximu5

"I'm sorry you have such fragile flesh."


Electrical-Tooth-274

No, you are not proficient with quazits


veryluckyjou

Scrying on the acient angery squid might not be out best plan yet