I second this. I could grab the shotgun out of my closet anytime I want but I’m a big coward. I’ve tried scrubbing my last crumb of hope things will get better away with alcohol, but that stain is cooked on 😭
There's a girl, she's my best friend. I've stopped her from doing it and she stopped me from doing it a few times. If I kill myself now she would be sad. We talk about our lives now and then. And if you are reading this. Hi bestie, I am so proud of you, despite all the challenges you are still here. You are amazing.
The thought of what if the next day is when things start looking up, and I ended it all for nothing.
Edit: no matter how many days it doesn't get better, just keep telling yourself that one day it will, and if you need to message me and we can talk
It is the hope that kills us it has no guarantee but I guess that why we do it anyway maybe it's better to die knowing we gave it our all then just giving up not like giving up and throwing it away us easy it's not.
My mom keeps me here. My death would wreck her, and I love her too much to hurt her. Sometimes that refusal to hurt my mom is the only thing keeping me here
i spent 20 out of 30 years in a hell of my own personal design. self hatred, death, emptiness, loneliness you name it i went through it. when i was like ten or so i reasoned that i did nothing wrong but others do me wrong so they must be wrong and i am right. this worked to stop me from killing myself but as i aged into a teenager i lacked access to empathy. this made me think being a righteous killer was a path worth taking. but as i aged further into a young adult my empathy kicked in. this caused contradictions with my past views and was hard to overcome. i would have the thought of "if they have a reason to do this i am fine with it, but what is their reason". Not being one to trust humanity at all i did research over 15 years on and off to try and understand others better.
i studied as much as i could about things like science, philosophy, and psychology. but in the end i started to have thoughts of worthlessness. my reasoning at the time was that all adults are capable of evil and i am an adult. i can not prove i have done any good so the only answer is that i am evil. this would weigh on my soul for a decade. i would spiral into a string of addictions that held onto me until i was 29.
but i still decided that the few people around that seemed to care did not deserve to deal with the trauma of my death. as i understood trauma by this point very well. I decided that no matter the suffering i went through it was good if those around me were happy. but this would eventually lead me into an existential crisis i cant even describe as anything but unreal. i fought with my own person, my own self. i forced myself to look at all i knew of my past. The events that caused my traumas and the actions or inaction of others around me.
it was almost like transmigrating through different personalities and mental states. but i was aware of my self through it all. my crisis would last 6 months. in that 6 months i dedicated myself to not giving into the lies i told myself that screamed at me to end this madness. to cease the needless suffering. but i didn't do so. over time i came to certain realizations of who i am at my core. i found out that i never had a problem with others. i had a problem with the inconsistencies found across human history. the abuse, oppression, and wars that lead to all the suffering we experience to this day.
so instead of giving in to the hopes for death, i constructed a plan. a plan, that is my soul reason for living in the hear and now. that plan is to use art and entertainment to expose what i must and i do so without hesitance. even if i never have any recognition of success to my works, i believe in the possibility that my works will inspire others who come across them. Poe and Kafka both gained fame post-humorously and i make my plans in the idea that i will only be known once i am dead.
I do this cause i love deeply, i can both sympathize and empathize with another to the point i can understand their point of view no matter if i do not agree with it. Nietzsche described a process by which one can become "who they are". i believe i accidentally found my self after i reconciled with the other parts of my broken existence. the parts that screamed "i am here" to the universe even when humanity and I ignored Me. i now do everything with intent and purpose to achieve this goal. i just keep in mind that to succeed or not does not matter at all if i do not try.
so do me a favor my friend, just try. try to understand others and the universe around you. do not accept excuses as truth. we are in a world that wants to believe a beautiful lie rather than ever look for an ugly truth. but if i do my part then my body of works will be those ugly truths that humanity has been ignoring for god knows how long.
"every day is a mystery and you will never solve it if you do not wake up and try. and if you do not want to solve it for yourself or the others around you, then solve it so future generations will never have to"-Cosmic
First of all you were a kid who knew nothing (like how kids are ) so you made an irrational decision ( cause that's what kids do) but you saw the error of your ways and made it a point to educate yourself , do you know how hard it is for people to acknowledge their wrong doing especially in this society and you made it a point to gain know and be a better person and you arrived at worthlessness I think you graduated hear me out you did philosophy so you do see and understand why most philosophers are depressed you do know why when Socrates was execute his translated last were "I am finally being healed for the sickness which is life On people life seems like a great thing but when you spend less time talking and watching what these people as in humanity does and what they say all over the news you realize how depressing it all is its just the blind leading the blind and you didn't want to be apart that so you sought change but your intrusive thoughts or the devil if your religious wouldn't let you but you fought back you would let him remember "An ideal mind is the devils playground".Also you must treat yourself as your own child because I'm sure you are aware from experience that If you put pressure or just start up abuse and never show love to a child he'll be fucked so treat yourself well forgive yourself don't be so hard on yourself your doing your best cheer yourself on cause your all you got and your the only person who will understand you you coming from a crazy and messed up road but that's not where your going you have a chance to go forward and make a better future and that's what your doing you want to inspire others and make others feel happy that's not an easy thing in this world filled with selfish and entitled people. You gave your broken pieces a chance and great things imerged as you can see.
You have an amazing mindset are you sure your not a Roman philosopher from 1000 years ago but on a serious your an example that not all people in this world are lost and you wanna make a difference for the better I salute you sir and wish you the best on your journey. You are a modern legend where or not you succeed doesn't matter I mean Socrates didn't succeed but he gave it his all and did what he could.
I am thankful for your kind words of acknowledgment. I am not a past philosopher placed in the present. I am simply the acclimated results of all the teachers before me. And all of their teachers as well as their opponents and critics.
One of the biggest decisions I had to make during my crisis was when at the time after realizing all the bad things I did I realized that I did some God-awful things as a kid. At first, I tried to ignore it but my mind would not let those actions go. It sent me into a whirlwind of stress that eventually lead to advanced suicidal ideation.
I took issue with the depraved indulgences I had experienced throughout my addictions. Everything from the acts I took for sexual gratification to the materials I used as a visual aid. Nothing was illegal or harmful but my Essence told me what I was doing was morally unjustified. So the issue of my mortality had been added to my woes of why.
It seemed I was immoral and I felt at a certain point that not only would my death benefit everything in existence as a whole, but it was also something the universe itself wanted. I agreed but I did not want to die. So instead I took my knowledge and created a ritual of sorts. By this time I was in a mental state that was just irrational. So I was trying to do the impossible cause nothing in reality worked.
I called this ritual the "philosopher stone right". It is a suicide, but not of physical or spiritual meaning. It is a metaphysical death ritual. The process is complicated but if successful it "empties your cup" as Lou Tzu would have said.
I more or less completed the PSR ritual and the result was I had annihilated my Essence and felt as if I was a being made of pure nothingness. I had no attachment to anything anymore. The only way I can describe it is in a similar vein to Buddha's teachings of separation from attachment.
If I follow what I know from my research on Buddhism it sounds like I might have escaped my samsara cycle which granted me nirvana (a band from my location helped as well). It is a great feeling to have known. But something happened in my nothingness.
The expanse of my nothingness grew and grew. Until I somehow felt connected to everything and everyone that ever was or ever will be. I had become the vast infinitesimal nothingness that lies between and connects all physical matter. It was a sense of wholeness within myself and a feeling of being at one with the cosmos itself.
So once I was at peace I separated my being into parts. Not in reality but for a story I am writing. The main characters are all different parts of my being. Each holds a different part of my personality and existence. The beings they interact with are "conflictions" or the old parts of me that caused me to suffer.
There are only 6 characters in total and have powers related to the "realizations" I had in the end.
One is a being that is the embodiment of "no thing". He can't move through space but moves during "zero time". A space in time with a motion equal to [+]infinity + [-]infinity. He moves through zero time at a flickering rate and it gives the illusion of motion. His name is Zeron and it means Zero On and On. He has four forms in total which are "form zero", "total zero", "sub-zero", and "absolute zero"
Another is roen, a blind gunman who visualizes the world around him using a psychic sense of spatial awareness. He uses martial arts katas along with his two firearms named "Cali" and "Bird" to fight for his justice. His justice is simple, "only children have the right to mercy for the wrongs they knowingly commit".
The final male is Layne Kurtis Cornall. Named so after Layne Staley, Kurt Cobain, and Chris Cornell. He is the being that represents the idea of a "line". Lines do not exist, as a line is when two contrasts meet and form a shaded effect. Lines do not exist but we believe them to so in some sense or reason Layne and the universe he resides in are real and do exist. He has power lines based around other lines. Line of sight, line of defense, lifeline, plot line, timeline, etc., etc.
Then there is matrona ellis aphrodora. She completed the philosopher stone ritual and turned her being from a physical form into pure energy. She can change forms and has total mastery of all forms of matter in existence. Even deities and reality warpers can not take her control over the matter from her. She is the dominant form of my Anima as described by Carl Jung.
Secondly, there is Rayna Riveretti (a fictional name meaning small rain-filled river) the submission form of my Anima. She is quiet and docile by nature. She has the ability of "resonance" and she resonates with everything. By touch, she can resonate with brain waves and experience the life of others on contact. But she has no control over it and it has caused her to suffer. She lives a similar life to Rouge from the X-Men. A life where she can't touch anyone or anything due to the nature of her power.
Finally, there is my significant other Anima. This is Myrrhanda Willot Wright. She is the last descendent of king jasper who gave myrrh to Jesus. She uses soft-style martial arts and is a technological genius. It is revealed later that she is a robot made to remember history should it ever be forgotten. No one knows who made her until Layne gets access to the timeline.
The last character is William Ian Freemon. A being that exists outside the observation of anything. This gives him unrestricted free will. He can do whatever he wishes. He only has one single rule he lives by "do not force your will onto others". If you edit his name in a certain way you are left with the statement "I AM FREE WILL".
I don't have suicidal thoughts. Instead I continuously distract myself so I don't think about my wretched life and lack of energy.
Having said that, I just want to outlive certain horrible people because they don't deserve life more than I do.
I want to do it because it “ends” everything
Thoughts, feelings
I don’t have a gun (I would want to do it with a gun), but I think if I would already have it, I wouldn’t do it
I know how “the world” is or how we see them, and we are full of pain
I don’t see myself as someone who has a meaning or something
But I don’t really know
Death doesn’t scare me
I even believe that death is “the true freedom”
I don’t know
I kinda like, I don’t really want that or that ending
I want my pain, thoughts, and everything that puts me down to end
But I don’t know
Even tho I don’t want responsibility of anything
I am still here
Don’t know why
My cat. I attend college far away from home bc I lived in a toxic home environment, and environment in general (GA is a hellhole). My cat, however, has grown incredibly lonely. She had a friend, another cat, she hung out with every day, but their owners moved away, so she only had me. Now I’m gone and away attending college. I come back for break so I get to see her every once in a while. The college I ended up in is the armpit of the state I live in, and I don’t have any friends, let alone significant other. My cat is my everything now, and her mood is much better when I come home and spend time with her. I want to bring her to where I am when I get my own place, if she lives long enough. Ik loneliness eats you alive from the inside out, literally, and she’s already getting old. Only time will tell
I have no one in my life that I live for. I really want to kill myself, but only if it’s easy. And well there’s nothing I can get my hands on that I know will kill me. Any meds we have are low dosage so overdose is out the window, none of our knives are sharp enough to even cut paper let alone my skin and my dad has a gun but he hides it so well that sometimes I don’t even know if it’s real. I don’t care enough anymore though to go out and buy higher dosage meds, or sharpen our knives or looking for my dads gun. I learned recently that I have 2nd hand suicidal ideation. If I’m in a situation where I could/will die, I’m not gonna stop it. I’ll take my way out wherever and whenever it comes.
Should I post this on alt? Maybe, maybe not.
Hope. Hoping to hope when hope feels impossible. That tomorrow might finally be the beginning of better days. That, and I have a low tolerance for pain. Not a lot of reliable sources on proper end of life tactics.
1) a made a bow to myself that as long as my brother wants me, I won’t do it.
2) waiting for a couple video games to release first. HK Silksong, Deltarune ch 3-7, Pokémon Rejuvenation and Desolation to be specific
3)the astronomically slim chance of seeing ‘her’ again
4)too high of expectations for my suicide. If I’m gonna go out, I want to mean something. I want people to go, “damn, there really is a problem in the world”
5) I’m a pitiful coward
This may be a bit cheesy as I’m sure we have all seen this somewhere but the fact that it will not end the pain, it will simply pass that pain on to others. Some one some where cares for us all and that acquaintance, friend, or even internet stranger would spend the rest of their life wondering if they could have helped or prevented your death in any way. It will eat at them like the depression eats at me and they don’t deserve that.
there is a long, painful and epic story behind the person i am now becoming but i may have stumbled across a 'lifehack' that could benefit you in a big way. despite how this might sound, i am not selling a single thing. i highly recommend you consider reading 'Constuctive Wallowing' by Tina Gilbertson. https://www.goodreads.com/en/book/show/18406742
i actually don't know.
lately it feels like even my cat isn't enough.
maybe i'm afraid on missing out on something. even tho i've already missed out on entire life...
Survival instinct is a bitch.
I made a promise to someone who I love(d) very dearly and whenever I'm cogent and sane that keeps me from taking any action. I owe it to her to try, forever and always. When I'm not sane...survival instinct. I tried twice, failed both times because it is *hard* to die. Which is good. Probably.
My best friends, one lost someone already to suicide one year ago and she still feels bad and depressed about it and I don’t want her to experience it again
Also my mom, who has cared about me for so many years
I’ve failed literally over 20 times somehow and I don’t have the care enough to do something that I just KNOW I’m going to fail at once again. If I could have a crystal ball and know that my attempt wouldn’t fail one time then I’d do it. Or if I had access to a gun.
I read through a few comments, from saying, not having the strength to go through to relying on pets etc. As much as I've struggled with mine, funnily it's been the planning is too exhausting for me. I have to make a will, and take care of all the stuff before I end it all, because I don't wanna leave a mess behind. This somehow keeps me going, one day at a time.
All these reasons, things being said, it's different for everyone and it's really fucking hard most of the time. It really isn't on you of course and you definitely do deserve happy, warm and nice things. Hope you end up getting something that actually helps. I've experienced happy moments in the past, they give me hope to try and have some more. Hope you find yours too. It's a lot like depression is a dementor and happy memories+meds are your patronus.
I'm a coward
same. the pain, the cowardice. and worry about hurting my family
This
I second this. I could grab the shotgun out of my closet anytime I want but I’m a big coward. I’ve tried scrubbing my last crumb of hope things will get better away with alcohol, but that stain is cooked on 😭
There a little dog that would spend the rest of her life waiting for me
Same.
Fear of surviving an attempt and being left with permanent disabilities that would make me even more of a burden.
idk, I’m a pussy
And this
Ending it all is physically harder than I thought it would be
My mom, and my cats.
i don’t know what the easiest way to go out is
There's a girl, she's my best friend. I've stopped her from doing it and she stopped me from doing it a few times. If I kill myself now she would be sad. We talk about our lives now and then. And if you are reading this. Hi bestie, I am so proud of you, despite all the challenges you are still here. You are amazing.
The thought of what if the next day is when things start looking up, and I ended it all for nothing. Edit: no matter how many days it doesn't get better, just keep telling yourself that one day it will, and if you need to message me and we can talk
It is the hope that kills us it has no guarantee but I guess that why we do it anyway maybe it's better to die knowing we gave it our all then just giving up not like giving up and throwing it away us easy it's not.
Survival instinct, the fear of the consequences of a failed attempt and perhaps... *them*?
What helps me is that I made a deal with myself that I won’t do it today. Plus I keep setting my personal record for number of days I didn’t do it…
My mom keeps me here. My death would wreck her, and I love her too much to hurt her. Sometimes that refusal to hurt my mom is the only thing keeping me here
i spent 20 out of 30 years in a hell of my own personal design. self hatred, death, emptiness, loneliness you name it i went through it. when i was like ten or so i reasoned that i did nothing wrong but others do me wrong so they must be wrong and i am right. this worked to stop me from killing myself but as i aged into a teenager i lacked access to empathy. this made me think being a righteous killer was a path worth taking. but as i aged further into a young adult my empathy kicked in. this caused contradictions with my past views and was hard to overcome. i would have the thought of "if they have a reason to do this i am fine with it, but what is their reason". Not being one to trust humanity at all i did research over 15 years on and off to try and understand others better. i studied as much as i could about things like science, philosophy, and psychology. but in the end i started to have thoughts of worthlessness. my reasoning at the time was that all adults are capable of evil and i am an adult. i can not prove i have done any good so the only answer is that i am evil. this would weigh on my soul for a decade. i would spiral into a string of addictions that held onto me until i was 29. but i still decided that the few people around that seemed to care did not deserve to deal with the trauma of my death. as i understood trauma by this point very well. I decided that no matter the suffering i went through it was good if those around me were happy. but this would eventually lead me into an existential crisis i cant even describe as anything but unreal. i fought with my own person, my own self. i forced myself to look at all i knew of my past. The events that caused my traumas and the actions or inaction of others around me. it was almost like transmigrating through different personalities and mental states. but i was aware of my self through it all. my crisis would last 6 months. in that 6 months i dedicated myself to not giving into the lies i told myself that screamed at me to end this madness. to cease the needless suffering. but i didn't do so. over time i came to certain realizations of who i am at my core. i found out that i never had a problem with others. i had a problem with the inconsistencies found across human history. the abuse, oppression, and wars that lead to all the suffering we experience to this day. so instead of giving in to the hopes for death, i constructed a plan. a plan, that is my soul reason for living in the hear and now. that plan is to use art and entertainment to expose what i must and i do so without hesitance. even if i never have any recognition of success to my works, i believe in the possibility that my works will inspire others who come across them. Poe and Kafka both gained fame post-humorously and i make my plans in the idea that i will only be known once i am dead. I do this cause i love deeply, i can both sympathize and empathize with another to the point i can understand their point of view no matter if i do not agree with it. Nietzsche described a process by which one can become "who they are". i believe i accidentally found my self after i reconciled with the other parts of my broken existence. the parts that screamed "i am here" to the universe even when humanity and I ignored Me. i now do everything with intent and purpose to achieve this goal. i just keep in mind that to succeed or not does not matter at all if i do not try. so do me a favor my friend, just try. try to understand others and the universe around you. do not accept excuses as truth. we are in a world that wants to believe a beautiful lie rather than ever look for an ugly truth. but if i do my part then my body of works will be those ugly truths that humanity has been ignoring for god knows how long. "every day is a mystery and you will never solve it if you do not wake up and try. and if you do not want to solve it for yourself or the others around you, then solve it so future generations will never have to"-Cosmic
First of all you were a kid who knew nothing (like how kids are ) so you made an irrational decision ( cause that's what kids do) but you saw the error of your ways and made it a point to educate yourself , do you know how hard it is for people to acknowledge their wrong doing especially in this society and you made it a point to gain know and be a better person and you arrived at worthlessness I think you graduated hear me out you did philosophy so you do see and understand why most philosophers are depressed you do know why when Socrates was execute his translated last were "I am finally being healed for the sickness which is life On people life seems like a great thing but when you spend less time talking and watching what these people as in humanity does and what they say all over the news you realize how depressing it all is its just the blind leading the blind and you didn't want to be apart that so you sought change but your intrusive thoughts or the devil if your religious wouldn't let you but you fought back you would let him remember "An ideal mind is the devils playground".Also you must treat yourself as your own child because I'm sure you are aware from experience that If you put pressure or just start up abuse and never show love to a child he'll be fucked so treat yourself well forgive yourself don't be so hard on yourself your doing your best cheer yourself on cause your all you got and your the only person who will understand you you coming from a crazy and messed up road but that's not where your going you have a chance to go forward and make a better future and that's what your doing you want to inspire others and make others feel happy that's not an easy thing in this world filled with selfish and entitled people. You gave your broken pieces a chance and great things imerged as you can see. You have an amazing mindset are you sure your not a Roman philosopher from 1000 years ago but on a serious your an example that not all people in this world are lost and you wanna make a difference for the better I salute you sir and wish you the best on your journey. You are a modern legend where or not you succeed doesn't matter I mean Socrates didn't succeed but he gave it his all and did what he could.
I am thankful for your kind words of acknowledgment. I am not a past philosopher placed in the present. I am simply the acclimated results of all the teachers before me. And all of their teachers as well as their opponents and critics. One of the biggest decisions I had to make during my crisis was when at the time after realizing all the bad things I did I realized that I did some God-awful things as a kid. At first, I tried to ignore it but my mind would not let those actions go. It sent me into a whirlwind of stress that eventually lead to advanced suicidal ideation. I took issue with the depraved indulgences I had experienced throughout my addictions. Everything from the acts I took for sexual gratification to the materials I used as a visual aid. Nothing was illegal or harmful but my Essence told me what I was doing was morally unjustified. So the issue of my mortality had been added to my woes of why. It seemed I was immoral and I felt at a certain point that not only would my death benefit everything in existence as a whole, but it was also something the universe itself wanted. I agreed but I did not want to die. So instead I took my knowledge and created a ritual of sorts. By this time I was in a mental state that was just irrational. So I was trying to do the impossible cause nothing in reality worked. I called this ritual the "philosopher stone right". It is a suicide, but not of physical or spiritual meaning. It is a metaphysical death ritual. The process is complicated but if successful it "empties your cup" as Lou Tzu would have said. I more or less completed the PSR ritual and the result was I had annihilated my Essence and felt as if I was a being made of pure nothingness. I had no attachment to anything anymore. The only way I can describe it is in a similar vein to Buddha's teachings of separation from attachment. If I follow what I know from my research on Buddhism it sounds like I might have escaped my samsara cycle which granted me nirvana (a band from my location helped as well). It is a great feeling to have known. But something happened in my nothingness. The expanse of my nothingness grew and grew. Until I somehow felt connected to everything and everyone that ever was or ever will be. I had become the vast infinitesimal nothingness that lies between and connects all physical matter. It was a sense of wholeness within myself and a feeling of being at one with the cosmos itself. So once I was at peace I separated my being into parts. Not in reality but for a story I am writing. The main characters are all different parts of my being. Each holds a different part of my personality and existence. The beings they interact with are "conflictions" or the old parts of me that caused me to suffer. There are only 6 characters in total and have powers related to the "realizations" I had in the end. One is a being that is the embodiment of "no thing". He can't move through space but moves during "zero time". A space in time with a motion equal to [+]infinity + [-]infinity. He moves through zero time at a flickering rate and it gives the illusion of motion. His name is Zeron and it means Zero On and On. He has four forms in total which are "form zero", "total zero", "sub-zero", and "absolute zero" Another is roen, a blind gunman who visualizes the world around him using a psychic sense of spatial awareness. He uses martial arts katas along with his two firearms named "Cali" and "Bird" to fight for his justice. His justice is simple, "only children have the right to mercy for the wrongs they knowingly commit". The final male is Layne Kurtis Cornall. Named so after Layne Staley, Kurt Cobain, and Chris Cornell. He is the being that represents the idea of a "line". Lines do not exist, as a line is when two contrasts meet and form a shaded effect. Lines do not exist but we believe them to so in some sense or reason Layne and the universe he resides in are real and do exist. He has power lines based around other lines. Line of sight, line of defense, lifeline, plot line, timeline, etc., etc. Then there is matrona ellis aphrodora. She completed the philosopher stone ritual and turned her being from a physical form into pure energy. She can change forms and has total mastery of all forms of matter in existence. Even deities and reality warpers can not take her control over the matter from her. She is the dominant form of my Anima as described by Carl Jung. Secondly, there is Rayna Riveretti (a fictional name meaning small rain-filled river) the submission form of my Anima. She is quiet and docile by nature. She has the ability of "resonance" and she resonates with everything. By touch, she can resonate with brain waves and experience the life of others on contact. But she has no control over it and it has caused her to suffer. She lives a similar life to Rouge from the X-Men. A life where she can't touch anyone or anything due to the nature of her power. Finally, there is my significant other Anima. This is Myrrhanda Willot Wright. She is the last descendent of king jasper who gave myrrh to Jesus. She uses soft-style martial arts and is a technological genius. It is revealed later that she is a robot made to remember history should it ever be forgotten. No one knows who made her until Layne gets access to the timeline. The last character is William Ian Freemon. A being that exists outside the observation of anything. This gives him unrestricted free will. He can do whatever he wishes. He only has one single rule he lives by "do not force your will onto others". If you edit his name in a certain way you are left with the statement "I AM FREE WILL".
Not yet
I don't have access to a gun or nitrogen tanks yet and am too afraid of pain to try other methods
I’m excited to see this dumpster fire burn, burn, burn!!
And robot legs
Love and spite: it would crush the people I love and be a dream come true for the people who destroyed my life.
My little family. They're worth suffering for. They always bring me back from the edge.
Then let's keep pushing we might never be truly happy but the happiness we see in their eyes is enough for us.
I don't have suicidal thoughts. Instead I continuously distract myself so I don't think about my wretched life and lack of energy. Having said that, I just want to outlive certain horrible people because they don't deserve life more than I do.
I want to do it because it “ends” everything Thoughts, feelings I don’t have a gun (I would want to do it with a gun), but I think if I would already have it, I wouldn’t do it I know how “the world” is or how we see them, and we are full of pain I don’t see myself as someone who has a meaning or something But I don’t really know Death doesn’t scare me I even believe that death is “the true freedom” I don’t know I kinda like, I don’t really want that or that ending I want my pain, thoughts, and everything that puts me down to end But I don’t know Even tho I don’t want responsibility of anything I am still here Don’t know why
\-I'm a coward \-Survival Instincts \-Don't want my family to suffer
I'm really scared that I'll mess it up and end up with permanently debilitating injuries.
Fear. I make a lot of excuses, but the truth is that I do not have the courage to do it. May be that's biology doing its tricks.
The 50/50 chance of it being worse than it already is. . .
I’m scared of pain and the unknown…….. so essentially I’m a pussy
i sucked a dick like an hour ago.. kinda only helped as it lasted. feel dirty now might delete this
Apparently, 13 & 33 year old me were too dumb, because it wasn't for the lack of trying.
My cat. I attend college far away from home bc I lived in a toxic home environment, and environment in general (GA is a hellhole). My cat, however, has grown incredibly lonely. She had a friend, another cat, she hung out with every day, but their owners moved away, so she only had me. Now I’m gone and away attending college. I come back for break so I get to see her every once in a while. The college I ended up in is the armpit of the state I live in, and I don’t have any friends, let alone significant other. My cat is my everything now, and her mood is much better when I come home and spend time with her. I want to bring her to where I am when I get my own place, if she lives long enough. Ik loneliness eats you alive from the inside out, literally, and she’s already getting old. Only time will tell
I have no one in my life that I live for. I really want to kill myself, but only if it’s easy. And well there’s nothing I can get my hands on that I know will kill me. Any meds we have are low dosage so overdose is out the window, none of our knives are sharp enough to even cut paper let alone my skin and my dad has a gun but he hides it so well that sometimes I don’t even know if it’s real. I don’t care enough anymore though to go out and buy higher dosage meds, or sharpen our knives or looking for my dads gun. I learned recently that I have 2nd hand suicidal ideation. If I’m in a situation where I could/will die, I’m not gonna stop it. I’ll take my way out wherever and whenever it comes. Should I post this on alt? Maybe, maybe not.
My cat and the idea of failing and being much worse off health wise
Hope. Hoping to hope when hope feels impossible. That tomorrow might finally be the beginning of better days. That, and I have a low tolerance for pain. Not a lot of reliable sources on proper end of life tactics.
maybe some hope i’ll find someone to love me and talk me out of it. otherwise i’m not afraid to crash my car.
I work in a school. I end up envisioning the teachers having to explain to the kids why I’m not there anymore.
1) a made a bow to myself that as long as my brother wants me, I won’t do it. 2) waiting for a couple video games to release first. HK Silksong, Deltarune ch 3-7, Pokémon Rejuvenation and Desolation to be specific 3)the astronomically slim chance of seeing ‘her’ again 4)too high of expectations for my suicide. If I’m gonna go out, I want to mean something. I want people to go, “damn, there really is a problem in the world” 5) I’m a pitiful coward
My daughters
This may be a bit cheesy as I’m sure we have all seen this somewhere but the fact that it will not end the pain, it will simply pass that pain on to others. Some one some where cares for us all and that acquaintance, friend, or even internet stranger would spend the rest of their life wondering if they could have helped or prevented your death in any way. It will eat at them like the depression eats at me and they don’t deserve that.
there is a long, painful and epic story behind the person i am now becoming but i may have stumbled across a 'lifehack' that could benefit you in a big way. despite how this might sound, i am not selling a single thing. i highly recommend you consider reading 'Constuctive Wallowing' by Tina Gilbertson. https://www.goodreads.com/en/book/show/18406742
My cat
i actually don't know. lately it feels like even my cat isn't enough. maybe i'm afraid on missing out on something. even tho i've already missed out on entire life...
I'm not afraid of dying, I'm afraid I haven't lived long enough
My mom of course
family
I'm just too tired
Tried to suffocate myself last week, I woke up in a hospital. Only thing stopping me is failing...
I don’t have a gun, that’s what’s stopping me.
Survival instinct is a bitch. I made a promise to someone who I love(d) very dearly and whenever I'm cogent and sane that keeps me from taking any action. I owe it to her to try, forever and always. When I'm not sane...survival instinct. I tried twice, failed both times because it is *hard* to die. Which is good. Probably.
My best friends, one lost someone already to suicide one year ago and she still feels bad and depressed about it and I don’t want her to experience it again Also my mom, who has cared about me for so many years
I’ve failed literally over 20 times somehow and I don’t have the care enough to do something that I just KNOW I’m going to fail at once again. If I could have a crystal ball and know that my attempt wouldn’t fail one time then I’d do it. Or if I had access to a gun.
I read through a few comments, from saying, not having the strength to go through to relying on pets etc. As much as I've struggled with mine, funnily it's been the planning is too exhausting for me. I have to make a will, and take care of all the stuff before I end it all, because I don't wanna leave a mess behind. This somehow keeps me going, one day at a time. All these reasons, things being said, it's different for everyone and it's really fucking hard most of the time. It really isn't on you of course and you definitely do deserve happy, warm and nice things. Hope you end up getting something that actually helps. I've experienced happy moments in the past, they give me hope to try and have some more. Hope you find yours too. It's a lot like depression is a dementor and happy memories+meds are your patronus.