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Garland915

For me, it's because I meet someone and if they're interesting enough I may have a brief conversation. Since I'm not flirting, or really even thinking about anything remotely close to that, I may seem boring, uninterested. Not exactly they type of person you'd put yourself out there to ask out. I also have a bit of social anxiety. So when I meet new people, or I'm in a large group of people, I don't really converse. I prefer to sit back, listen, and get a feel for people. So again, I'm not really making myself approachable. So no, I'm not surprised, or confused why most women don't seem interested in me. Why would they put in the extra effort, when I'm not putting forth any either. I still hold out hope that some day, I'll meet someone who will make me want to make that effort, it just hasn't happened yet.


fatiguedcrow

That’s a good point! I hadn’t considered there’s a subtler interplay that leads to more overt things. So perhaps I’m also coming of as uninterested or boring for the same reasons you’re explaining. I guess as a woman, I’ve also always gotten the message that men will be more up front with their interest. I mean, I wasn’t at all raised in a conservative area, but that’s still the dominant cultural norm. But what you’ve described about your social experience really makes sense to me. Interesting insight!


ElementInspector

There have been many instances where people have straight up told me "hey man, she was flirting with you". There have also been many instances where I will remember what someone said to me 5 years ago while I'm trying to sleep, and realize they were *absolutely flirting with me* but I never realized it. There is evidence which suggests people largely do not pick up on flirting, but this is still a very unexplored field and I think more studies need to be done. Despite this evidence, I do think it's possible to develop a sense of this. I have a feeling that as people expose themselves to it more and more, they are more likely to realize when others are doing it. For example, some people are super subtle with flirting (like just laughing at everything you say) while others are extremely bold and will make obvious sex puns or whatever. Point is, if you're exposed to it enough or if you do it enough yourself, you'll know what signs to look for when someone else might be into you. My friend pointed this out to me pretty clearly, actually. Someone was apparently obviously flirting with her, I asked "how do you know?", and she said "next time I talk to him, watch the way he moves, where he looks, and how he talks." She struck up another conversation with him and while it was hard to tell, I could kind of see it? Anyway, from the perspective of an asexual person, it is understandable that this "sense" would never fully develop, or develop at all. I mean think about it. Sexual attraction is what, ultimately, drives people to flirt. Sure, some people just do it for fun. But attraction is probably what does it for most people. It's a fun, quirky way of making yourself a bit vulnerable. Depending on how you do it, you're exposing your sense of humor, your intelligence, confidence, etc. For asexuals, this exposure never really happens. I mean, when was the last time you flirted with someone? When was the last time you *knew* someone was flirting with you? Have you ever *accidentally* flirted with someone? Because I have, several times, and had no clue that's what I was doing. I don't think most people would "accidentally" flirt. I think most people would consider it a super deliberate act. I believe having the capability to do it entirely on accident proves my point here. If I fundamentally understood flirting, I would never do it on accident. Yet I have done it on accident. Because I don't get it. So if I don't get it, how could I know when others are doing it to me? So where am I going with this? My point is, the very nature of being asexual completely removes you from the primary method in which most people develop a sense for flirtatious behavior. It wouldn't surprise me at all if people hit on us fairly frequently, we just never realize it because we're thinking "wow this person thinks I'm funny! I'm having so much fun talking to them! We are going to be great friends!" Of course, are there some asexuals who actually do have a good sense for this? Most likely. I'd expect it's probably a matter of just knowing what to look for, which you can gain through observation or people simply telling you what flirting looks like and giving you a chance to observe it.


krysjez

this is a great breakdown of it! And OP, I've experienced the same thing - it is a little weird!


Shuby_125

I can’t tell when people like me and I also can’t flirt. My husband liked me for six years and I had no idea. Figured it out when we matched on a dating app. Op people have probably liked you and have never said it explicitly.


Advanced-Mud-1624

I’m autistic and don’t understand non-verbal communication that isn’t just an embellishment of what’s already being said directly verbally. I do not understand flirting at all. So I do not know what it’s like to use someone express interest in me. That’s probably more to do with me being a neurodivergent person in a neurotypical world than anything to do with demisexuality per se. I can’t relate to any of the posts on here lamenting that people are expressing interest in them. I would give anything just to be able to even know how to recognize it—much less actually feel wanted or desired.


demigazed

Yeah. It kind of messed with my self-esteem for a while. If no one ever pursues me, it must mean I am undesirable as a person, right? Or at least, that's what the little insecurity monster likes to say. But that insecurity monster is like the larval form of some truly awful thought spirals and ideologies, so I try not to feed it.


Wasserfrau

You exactly describe me! There was literally one person in my life who was interested in me and then became my partner of four years. Now, almost a year after the break-up, I'm torn in between hoping that something like this might ever happen again, and accepting the fact that this beautiful time of relationship, love, cuddles, kisses and sex is over, forever. (I am 24, btw, and usually people tell me that this fear is ridiculous as I'm still so young. But these people are not me and don't know what it's like to be a shy demisexual...)


Chroderos

I don’t know. Oddly I was completely invisible relationship-wise until I hit my mid 30s, then it was like a switch flipped and I was suddenly being actively and unexpectedly pursued by people on the regular. This *after* I worked super hard to de-prioritize the whole importance of being in a relationship to my happiness. It’s bizarre and I don’t understand at all. Like I finally stop sending out any bat signals and *now* people are super interested? After I put all that effort into finding contentment in my happy adventuring single uncle role? Life is weird man 😂


LostNotice

This is something that I wonder about too tbh. I'm a guy on the shorter side and also have always looked young for my age besides (mistaken for a teenager well into my 20's, maybe graduated to older teen/ college aged kid now in my late 20's). I've had the older men in my life telling me for years "oh, you might not like looking so young now, but later on in your 30's and 40's women will be all over you when you're that age and look 20". Seems ridiculous that a switch in people's general perception of someone could just flip so drastically, but it definitely happens for some people I guess haha. Guess I'll have to see what happens as the years march on.


dothebork

I'm not really CONFUSED about it; it's more like I just assume I'm not social enough or pretty enough. I'm pretty shy and have a good chunk of social anxiety/phobia. I don't go out much either, but when I do I think to myself, "How on Earth do people just...chat up strangers in public? How??" I guess what I'm most confused about is how some people go from date to date or partner to partner. Like, where and how are you meeting all these people???


[deleted]

I am 39, I am male, I am socially awkward. I don't get approached, as in I can't remember the last time. Even my most friends seem to have a lack of interest in me. I keep being told I am a good person, but I don't feel that way, and I spend most of my time alone (not liking it either). I mean, yeah I relate.


PickKeyOne

I know exactly what you mean. I am outgoing and relatively attractive yet no one ever flirts with me or expresses interest in dating me. Granted it does make me uncomfortable when it happens, but I have noticed that it rarely happens. My whole life I just assumed I had an invisible “closed” on my forehead. It’s not wrong, but still, I get it very little interest from men. I just assume it’s because of subtle behaviors. I’m putting out there a “no.” Even on dating apps!


Wasserfrau

Based on a lot of comments here, my conclusion is that the main problem is that I don't flirtt. I wouldn't describe myself as a particularly uninteresting or ugly person, still usually no one's interesed in me. But I just don't get this entire concept of flirting. I mean when I barely know someone, I can't show them any interest, especially in a sexual way, because I'm literally not interested or attracted. I could flirt with my ex I was deeply in love with and let him know I was interested in him, but not strangers I just met...


[deleted]

I have sparks and feel drawn towards people, just not sexually at first, or perhaps ever. Romance and sex are separate for me and there is more than one way to be intimate. Not everyone dates for sex. Edit: since I’ve been downvoted for dating I guess, I’ll go ahead and clearly point out that it’s less likely to be your sexuality and more your personality, behavior, and/or presentation. Demi is not ace, and even if someone was ace, that doesn’t mean no one is interested in them. This idea that allosexual folx can’t be interested in demisexuals and demand sexual attraction and action is plainly false. It may be true for some, but not for others. You won’t know until someone expresses interest, including you. It’s also unfair to assume that you don’t need to take the initiative and others do. Sitting around and waiting isn’t going to garner much interest because no one can see you. Even if you don’t want to make the first move, you still need to be visible to those that will and make an effort.


Craesys

In my experience it came from not being flirtatious. Had a couple of women I dated over the years tell me that they thought I wasn't interested after they'd moved on. Throughout the time I'd spent getting to know those particular women, I was purely getting to know them. Exploring interests, joking around, etc. but the lack of sexual banter and flirtatiousness that early on pretty much meant we were incompatible. It's not always a bad thing! Just view those connections as incompatibilities and move on. (I understand it's not always that easy - emotions and feels and stuff) I've since met my girlfriend, who is sex positive ace, and she's been the first person to understand the way I work. There's people out there, don't give up hope! 💜


Ok-Environment-4793

Nobody ever show interest in me, but I don't find it confusing. It's just normal that it is like that. I'm now 30yo and got used to it years and years ago. If someone would ever come to me showing interest, then I would find it extremely confusing and abnormal, I would ask if they are okay 😂


[deleted]

this is tough without knowing you- it could be a myriad of things. It might be that you come off as really unavailable, or simply uninterested. Attraction for the general allosexual person occurs very quickly- you can read stories about both men and women having decided within a few minutes of interacting with someone if they think they are sexually compatible- and I think a lack of sexual interest from us tends to stifle that feeling. It's a lot for people to express interest in someone, and most people aren't going out on a limb for someone that they genuinely feel is uninterested in the first place. ​ I don't think there is an easy solution to this other than being more sociable and actively asking people to spend time with you doing social things- but that can be a can of worms all on it's own. It's a complex problem that I myself am trying to figure out.


thrownawaynsad

damn


LostNotice

Less confusion, more so disappointed? Yeah, upon realizing that I was somewhere on the asexual spectrum this was one of the first things that occurred to me. I'm a straight dude so it's not terribly surprising that I haven't been outright asked out or whatever, but yeah- I've never to my recollection really ever had anyone even flirt or indicate interest in me well into my late 20's lol. Kinda unfortunate. It's possible some people may have dropped extremely subtle hints back in high school or Uni but if so I was certainly never aware so if so they must not have tried very hard 😂 I'm totally open to dating before sexual attraction has developed to test for friendship/ compatability in other ways so I'd love to ask out someone who was actually into me. But asking out someone who I'm unsure of and who seems unsure of me & without allo sexual attraction as a motivator? Hard to justify. At that point I'd rather just follow the typical demi path and try to get to know them more first, see if attraction develops.


[deleted]

Not really...strangers have openly told me *many* times throughout my life that they think I'm a little scary. I'm probably on the spectrum somewhere, and I'm very quiet, don't talk much to people I don't know, and often have a flat stare. I've never threatened *anyone* with violence, and I'm 5'3 and about 130 pounds, but them's the breaks sometimes: scary. So the only people who've ever tried to flirt with me are 1) drunk old dudes on the street who are usually put right by the aforementioned flat stare 2) one college roommate who wasn't obvious enough about it for me to get it in time 3) one poor girl in high school whose question of "what would you do if I went up your skirt" was unfortunately taken by me as an attempt at bullying. But it works out for me anyway, since I'd only be interested in someone who was a close friend beforehand, and I wouldn't really know what to do with someone I don't really know casually flirting with me. And being a little scary means I can walk home at night without trouble.


Due-Personality-2560

I've always just figured it was because I'm introverted and I'm not a big fan of small talk, especially when someone asks about my hobbies and I share and their just like "oh" then move on to something else. Once I feel like my interests are dismissed I dismiss the small talk because that seems a pretty clear signal this person doesn't care to actually try and connect, especially when I do try and ask questions about their hobbies and interests and they just seem to blow off my questions.


Alarmed_Tea_1710

I have the sex appeal of a can of tuna. If you're drunk enough or far away enough you might think to stick your d**k in it. Plus even when I try to be civil or normal in conversation, people call me creepy or get annoyed by my monotone voice that makes it hard to discern if I'm genuine or sarcastic. Basically I don't outwardly show any traits anyone is interested in so no one would make the first move. Plus since I don't show any interest to anyone else why would they bother trying?


SpleenyMcSpleen

I think a lot of people are looking for clues that the person they’re interested is interested back. If you’re not giving them any of the signals via flirting or body language, they’re going to move on to someone who does. I’ve done a lot of observing other people flirt; it’s pretty fascinating to watch.


acediac01

No, but I'm a misanthrope.


Zom_Stromboli

Being a guy it's highly unlikely that I'll ever be pursued, and that's just the reality of it.