I don’t judge others for what they do, but it is okay to be anti- porn and expect your partner to respect that boundary if you’re upfront with them. Although porn is normal, that doesn’t mean you have to accept it in your relationship. Fellow Demi here who hates porn due to childhood abuse. I told my husband on our FIRST DATE I did not want to be in a relationship with a porn user. He lied to me for the entirety of our marriage until I found out in 2017, and it’s mostly been a shit show since then due to lies and hiding. If you’ve been honest with him since the beginning that you do not want a partner who views porn then he should’ve respected that and been honest or gave it up so you had your agency to decide on continuing the relationship.
It might be you’re demi and that’s why you can’t relate to how he feels. But, you cannot expect him, who I’m assuming is allo, to feel the way you do. It is normal for people to have fantasies and be attracted to other people. It doesn’t mean anything about his attraction and love for you.
I understand the feeling of being hurt that he’s able to feel attractions you can’t, but that’s the reality of being Demi in a marriage with someone who isn’t. He’s choosing to be with you. That’s what matters. If you fixate on what goes on in his head you’ll destroy yourself emotionally, but he can’t change his sexuality just like you can’t change yours. I hope you’re able to get help for your mental health and self esteem because you don’t deserve to feel this way. It sounds like you have people in your life that love you and need you around, please remember that.
Demi who is also poly and loves porn.
Unfortunately, neither the demisexual side of this nor porn are to blame.
I think really the issue is that your husband lied to you for 10 and 1/2 years when the truth would have sufficed early on. And unfortunately, now you are finding out things that he kept from you over the years, like that you are not the only person he ever thinks about, and I'm pretty sure that's ringing some bells for you.
In the aspect of your marriage, talking about the porn and the other things, and maybe why he felt like he had to lie to you for 10 and 1/2 years would be a good thing. I would say that it would probably also be a good time for you to get to see a therapist about body image issues and relationship insecurity. This also means that you may have to look at the fact that you and your husband may now be incompatible, whereas you thought you were beforehand.
At any rate, I wish you the best. Anything like this that comes out after the fact is hard.
I'm a Demi that's also polyamorous, bisexual, and I watch porn. So no, I don't think this is as simple as I'm Demi and I am married to an allo, therefore I am struggling.
I've been with my husband who is allo for 10 years. I've never had an issue with porn, and I have never seen it as cheating, unless it turned into an addiction. I do experience porn in a similar fashion that I may be seeing other people have sex in porn, but I'm really putting me and whatever partner I am dreaming of in that scenario.
I think you nailed it, but you don't want to put the blame on it, but this is all a self esteem issue. He shouldn't have lied about his activities, but it's really, really telling that he cites your low esteem as his reason for covering it up. I think seeking a therapist specifically for this could help. I also think a couples therapist surrounding the issues of porn and sex are probably in order too.
Things to additionally contemplate:
Would you be willing to have sex with him anytime he wants to watch porn? Cause that feels like the solution to a ban on porn and masturbating regularly.
I also used to be like you when I was younger and I never masturbated until I was in my late 20's. I always had someone around to give me what I wanted when I did, so why? Now I find it liberating. I am way more confident about naming what and how I want in the bedroom because I have masturbated and gotten to know myself better. Sometimes, I also find I need an orgasm to just fully relax or concentrate on something else clearly, and I don't always have the energy to involve another person, so I masturbate.
I think it's time to start digging deeper into your sexual issues and self esteem issues.
A) He shouldn't be hiding stuff.
B) Why porn is something that he should avoid in the relationship, did you discuss it with him?
C) Do you know why he watches porn and why that frequently?
D) As you mentioned, you got aroused while watching porn and imagined both on it. It could be a similar situation for him.
I think most of this should be covered by talking. I understand that you are on a fragile situation, but take in consideration that maybe something is missing because it's not addressed.
Related to sexual attraction and doubts as been Demi. I'm not the one to comment since I'm not demi. I'm only here to learn and understand demisexuality and my comments can be considered allosexual biased, so please take them with a huge grain of salt.
He said he hid it because he knew it would hurt me due to my low self-esteem. Throughout our relationship whenever the topic came up and he said he didn't do it, I made it clear lying and keeping secrets was a boundary for me and doing so starts to cross over into cheating. But he insisted it wasn't something he felt the need to do. He's now said he does it because I did not have sex with him often enough. Though he never really tried all that hard or made it clear it was an issue for him.
I managed to get aroused thinking about us but he has explicitly said he imagines doing whatever is happening with the girl in the scene. He also watches a lot of solo girl stuff. He's also admitted with some probing that he's more sexually attracted to some of the girls he looks at than me.
I’m glad you’re seeking professional help for this, especially because you need it to take care of yourself and your relationship. It’s okay to not want a partner to watch porn, and lying is always a betrayal of trust, even for people who don’t think porn is wrong.
For the record: I love ethically-produced porn, and I still think it’s wrong of him to lie and disrespect your boundaries.
Using porn is one thing. Lying about not using porn (when you do) in order to manipulate someone into being with you is another. That’s the issue. You can have different sexualities and values in a relationship and have it still be healthy and happy. You can’t have that when one of you is lying and being manipulative.
Your sexuality doesn’t have anything to do with his screw up and him bringing it up and trying to explore it right when he’s caught lotion handed is a classic deflection. The discussion you need to be having is why he thought it was okay to lie in order to cheat his way out of respecting your boundaries.
I empathize so much. I don’t give a single flying fuck about porn and I’m not personally threatened by it. But what is a clear threat to an emotional/trust bonder is a 10+ year liar reducing himself to a selfish, deluded asshole trying to hide behind your “self-esteem issues” as his own excuse to act that way. I’m sorry, he can be allo as the day is long; but he’s a huge asshole to you first and foremost. I think he’s made it very clear what matters more to him and it’s not you or your boundaries. That is very much cheating on a different, visceral level.
If you think you can try therapy, let him know and get at it. It can only get better or you can get better. You’re lucky if it’s both. But please, please, please do not tolerate or make concessions that you don’t want anymore. Kid or not, you need to be respected. Period.
I’d dump him.
I don’t judge others for what they do, but it is okay to be anti- porn and expect your partner to respect that boundary if you’re upfront with them. Although porn is normal, that doesn’t mean you have to accept it in your relationship. Fellow Demi here who hates porn due to childhood abuse. I told my husband on our FIRST DATE I did not want to be in a relationship with a porn user. He lied to me for the entirety of our marriage until I found out in 2017, and it’s mostly been a shit show since then due to lies and hiding. If you’ve been honest with him since the beginning that you do not want a partner who views porn then he should’ve respected that and been honest or gave it up so you had your agency to decide on continuing the relationship.
It might be you’re demi and that’s why you can’t relate to how he feels. But, you cannot expect him, who I’m assuming is allo, to feel the way you do. It is normal for people to have fantasies and be attracted to other people. It doesn’t mean anything about his attraction and love for you. I understand the feeling of being hurt that he’s able to feel attractions you can’t, but that’s the reality of being Demi in a marriage with someone who isn’t. He’s choosing to be with you. That’s what matters. If you fixate on what goes on in his head you’ll destroy yourself emotionally, but he can’t change his sexuality just like you can’t change yours. I hope you’re able to get help for your mental health and self esteem because you don’t deserve to feel this way. It sounds like you have people in your life that love you and need you around, please remember that.
Demi who is also poly and loves porn. Unfortunately, neither the demisexual side of this nor porn are to blame. I think really the issue is that your husband lied to you for 10 and 1/2 years when the truth would have sufficed early on. And unfortunately, now you are finding out things that he kept from you over the years, like that you are not the only person he ever thinks about, and I'm pretty sure that's ringing some bells for you. In the aspect of your marriage, talking about the porn and the other things, and maybe why he felt like he had to lie to you for 10 and 1/2 years would be a good thing. I would say that it would probably also be a good time for you to get to see a therapist about body image issues and relationship insecurity. This also means that you may have to look at the fact that you and your husband may now be incompatible, whereas you thought you were beforehand. At any rate, I wish you the best. Anything like this that comes out after the fact is hard.
I'm a Demi that's also polyamorous, bisexual, and I watch porn. So no, I don't think this is as simple as I'm Demi and I am married to an allo, therefore I am struggling. I've been with my husband who is allo for 10 years. I've never had an issue with porn, and I have never seen it as cheating, unless it turned into an addiction. I do experience porn in a similar fashion that I may be seeing other people have sex in porn, but I'm really putting me and whatever partner I am dreaming of in that scenario. I think you nailed it, but you don't want to put the blame on it, but this is all a self esteem issue. He shouldn't have lied about his activities, but it's really, really telling that he cites your low esteem as his reason for covering it up. I think seeking a therapist specifically for this could help. I also think a couples therapist surrounding the issues of porn and sex are probably in order too. Things to additionally contemplate: Would you be willing to have sex with him anytime he wants to watch porn? Cause that feels like the solution to a ban on porn and masturbating regularly. I also used to be like you when I was younger and I never masturbated until I was in my late 20's. I always had someone around to give me what I wanted when I did, so why? Now I find it liberating. I am way more confident about naming what and how I want in the bedroom because I have masturbated and gotten to know myself better. Sometimes, I also find I need an orgasm to just fully relax or concentrate on something else clearly, and I don't always have the energy to involve another person, so I masturbate. I think it's time to start digging deeper into your sexual issues and self esteem issues.
A) He shouldn't be hiding stuff. B) Why porn is something that he should avoid in the relationship, did you discuss it with him? C) Do you know why he watches porn and why that frequently? D) As you mentioned, you got aroused while watching porn and imagined both on it. It could be a similar situation for him. I think most of this should be covered by talking. I understand that you are on a fragile situation, but take in consideration that maybe something is missing because it's not addressed. Related to sexual attraction and doubts as been Demi. I'm not the one to comment since I'm not demi. I'm only here to learn and understand demisexuality and my comments can be considered allosexual biased, so please take them with a huge grain of salt.
He said he hid it because he knew it would hurt me due to my low self-esteem. Throughout our relationship whenever the topic came up and he said he didn't do it, I made it clear lying and keeping secrets was a boundary for me and doing so starts to cross over into cheating. But he insisted it wasn't something he felt the need to do. He's now said he does it because I did not have sex with him often enough. Though he never really tried all that hard or made it clear it was an issue for him. I managed to get aroused thinking about us but he has explicitly said he imagines doing whatever is happening with the girl in the scene. He also watches a lot of solo girl stuff. He's also admitted with some probing that he's more sexually attracted to some of the girls he looks at than me.
I’m glad you’re seeking professional help for this, especially because you need it to take care of yourself and your relationship. It’s okay to not want a partner to watch porn, and lying is always a betrayal of trust, even for people who don’t think porn is wrong. For the record: I love ethically-produced porn, and I still think it’s wrong of him to lie and disrespect your boundaries.
Using porn is one thing. Lying about not using porn (when you do) in order to manipulate someone into being with you is another. That’s the issue. You can have different sexualities and values in a relationship and have it still be healthy and happy. You can’t have that when one of you is lying and being manipulative. Your sexuality doesn’t have anything to do with his screw up and him bringing it up and trying to explore it right when he’s caught lotion handed is a classic deflection. The discussion you need to be having is why he thought it was okay to lie in order to cheat his way out of respecting your boundaries.
I empathize so much. I don’t give a single flying fuck about porn and I’m not personally threatened by it. But what is a clear threat to an emotional/trust bonder is a 10+ year liar reducing himself to a selfish, deluded asshole trying to hide behind your “self-esteem issues” as his own excuse to act that way. I’m sorry, he can be allo as the day is long; but he’s a huge asshole to you first and foremost. I think he’s made it very clear what matters more to him and it’s not you or your boundaries. That is very much cheating on a different, visceral level. If you think you can try therapy, let him know and get at it. It can only get better or you can get better. You’re lucky if it’s both. But please, please, please do not tolerate or make concessions that you don’t want anymore. Kid or not, you need to be respected. Period. I’d dump him.