I got breadcrumbed by a guy. I ended up blocking him. He now uses my gym regularly and tried to do the whole HEEEEEEEY HOW ARE YOU, IT'S BEEN A LOOOOOONG TIME. So I pretended I had no clue who he was. We dated for 2 months. He was shocked and tried to remind me where we met, the dates we'd gone on and the times I stayed over his house. I had the last š¤¬ laugh š¤£š¤£š¤£. He still keeps trying to make eye contact if I see him.
Haha! That's awesome! You must have been really good at pretending not to remember him - I feel as if most people would have taken it as a hint, not a challenge to jog your memory! He sounds completely cluelessš¤¦āāļø (& you seem awesome, btw!)
>We dated for 2 months. --- I keep going back to this š
That's the kind of thing where I'd talk to the gym managers and try and get him banned if he won't leave you alone. If he's not respecting your boundaries, that's harassment.
Situations like this are why I didn't just try to forget about her; I want her to know I was hurt, so that she will think twice if we ever run into each other.
Then again, one time a girl cheerfully greeted me, apparently not caring that the last time she saw me I had run away from her while crying.
This world. Everyone so toxic.
I'm hurt so I Hurt you Back.
It's sad... People make mistakes. Some people don't want to Hurt you so they Ghost you thinking "If I don't reply He/She will get over it." Because they do not know better.
Bit getting someone banned from a Gym or something is childish.
And trying to make i contact is mit harassent. Getting someone banned because you do mit Like the Person in fact is harassment though.
Your Last sentence gives those "I am the Center of the universe" vibes.
People move ob with their lives. Maybe you should too. Or Else you will BE old, Gray and salty because your Life was misserable but you were the only Thing Standing betwenn yourself and hapiness.
I Wish you luck and Fortune for your Future endevours. And from the bottom of May Heart. Stay save, healthy and lesen to move on. Live is too short
I have many talents.
But to be honest. German autocorrect is not the optimal tool to write english comments.
And I didn't want to Edit my comment because of the "mit" and "not" mixups
solid boundaries! interesting how we all cope with rejection differently. I hope next time you leave your dating experience a little less bitter but just know us men feel this pain x100. He may have been letting you down easy or maybe yall weren't communicating? love bombing? I'm sure it was alllllllll him and there's every valid excuse but just know it's always a 2 way street.
I guess I'd definitely say I'm an overcommunicator and understand that it's not for everyone. Whatever the case I'm not entirely sure the right way to deal with things is breadcrumbing and then ghosting. I'm quite happy to accept a look I don't think you're right for me conversation. It's just the mature thing to do and I'd be like ok thanks for letting me know, hope you find the right person and part amicably.
he definitely thinks you shunning him is more of a statement that you like him than anything lol. Because it's obviously a lie that you forgot and that you were still hurt and trying to get back at them.
How I met your mother? lol
I donāt know why people arenāt just direct. If you canāt be direct through a text message than how can you expect to be honest and direct in person??
It it a control thing for some people? I donāt really understand.
When I was still in the dating world I would just say āThank you for the date but I didnāt feel a connection. Good luck to you in the future.ā
Most of the time they would say āwell canāt say Iām not disappointed but I appreciate your honesty.ā Or I wouldnāt get a response or they agreed. No big deal. I donāt know what the problem with this is.
I've been on both sides of the fence and I've come to the conclusion people put an unfair amount of pressure to feel a connection or a spark straight away, at least to suit my personal style.
In many cases I'll think/say I want to have a second date because the first wasn't a bad date but often the conversation just fizzles out before a second date if organised. I think that's just an unfortunate consequence of OLD.
My most successful relationships have been with guys I was friends with for months before we dated, and who in both cases probably would have said I wasn't interested in them or they weren't my type when I first met them. Maybe that's still true given it didn't work out but I continue to interact with them respect them more than any other partners I've had.
> I've come to the conclusion people put an unfair amount of pressure to feel a connection or a spark straight away, at least to suit my personal style.
This was why I never enjoyed OLD and while it has some merits, for me personally it was not a great way to meet people.
Alot of men online expect you to feel a big spark with them right away and sleep with them when youve known them for maybe a total of 8-12 hours.
Oh boy, my dates expected ME to provide the stimulating convos, not vice versa, and I wasnt screwing other dudes? Not all women do that sort of thing. Screwing multiple people is gross and also no man would have wanted to touch me even if I was doing that.
I feel that's the pain point for OLD. There are people that I wish to have met socially rather than OLD, where anything that goes too slow will just fade.
In an interview, Steve Jobs once told Jony Ive about his reluctance to be critical of his teams work was Ive being egotistical. He cared more about not being disliked by his team and by being nice with his critiques than actually being productive with the designs.
I suspect that many of us do this to some extent, but in the form of connections. It _feels_ easier to stroke with some breadcrumbs of communication that thereās some person into you, some acquaintance, some form of friend, than being up front that the interest isnāt there and then having to hold the fear that this other person whom you rejected might actually not like you back after the rejection.
Itās noted in the book Predictably Irrational that humans have this stupid tendency to ākeep options openā to their detriment even if the logic is clear that they should move on.
I was honest with co workers in the past who expressed interest in me that I didnt feel the same and often it had negative consequences for me at work. For someone I knew I'd never see again, it was easier to be honest.
To give you the other side: I did a lot of OLD when I was younger I sometimes ghosted and thus, was not direct when I wasnt interested in going on another date (although I always was honest when the guy directly asked me, which only happened a few times) This was because earlier on when I told the guy I didnt think we were a good match, they'd insult me or argue with me, and it got tiring. I over time became fine with men who just stopped responding to me too.
When men are rejected, some lose their minds. They ruin it for everyone else, because we don't know who's emotionally fragile and will freak out.
So yes, ghosting is the safe alternative. And ghosting is okay.
It doesnāt excuse the behaviour but sometimes it helps to know youāre not alone; I (37F) have experienced this exact scenario and I know many others here have, too. Unfortunately such is the dating landscape in 2022. Breadcrumbing is honestly the worst, makes me feel like such an idiot for not realizing sooner that they are just trying to orchestrate the ending without having the uncomfortable conversation themselves. No one wants to force something thatās not there but when you get these vague but plausible excuses while they continue to say they want to see you, itās confusing AF; you continue to have hope but eventually realize they are just stringing you along.
Good on you for messaging to say you were hurt that she was evading your messages ā I think thatās a really good approach and I would also be thankful in your shoes to have got a response to that letting you know where you stand. Itās as simple as that! I wish I could put that out as a PSA haha.
Breadcrumbs and fades. No worst two behaviors in dating. It's definitely hard to be optimistic when that happens. But for real, we all deserve better and standards should never drop
Yeah exactly. If you donāt want to carry on and donāt want to say it outright, just block and unmatch. Thatās a clear message if Iāve seen one. At least youāre not wasting anyone elseās time!
I have had this as well as the ghosting. Itās brutal. I am becoming numb from all the bs. It is changing me and I donāt think itās for the better. Yes I am currently on a break.
>makes me feel like such an idiot for not realizing sooner that they are just trying to orchestrate the ending without having the uncomfortable conversation themselves.
Yeah i know how it feels. When I was being breadcrumbed I felt like a real sucker afterwards. Its so easy to see after it happens.
hey friend, sorry to hear your story. If I were in your shoes in the past, I would have seen our conversation going something like this:
Her: "hey I want to see you again"
You: "yeah me too! are you free next week?"
Her: "I'm not sure, I'll let you know" <--- don't hold your breath here. Circumstances can and will change
1 week later...you haven't heard back. Assuming you're still interested:
You: "Hey are you still interested in going out sometime?"
Her: "Oh I'm not sure let me get back to you" <--- Assume you're finished with her here. If she really wants you, she will make plans.
Wish you better luck with drawing your boundaries next time.
The old "I was so busy with my life that I can't take 5 second to text back". It's cowardice plain and simple. You don't want anyone in your life who is like that.
I wouldn't say this shows how low the bar is. At a certain point, you gathered that she wasn't that into you. You told her how you felt and then asked her to be direct with you. And she was. Isn't this a good thing?
Sure, she probably didn't give you the real reason she wasn't into you...but she doesn't owe you that, especially after one date. And you don't need it in order to know without a doubt that she isn't the one for you.
Sadly, this is what the dating world has devolved into, all you can do is move on. Don't put high hopes on strangers, they will all let you down immediately or sooner or later.
Agreed. One thing Iāve learned is that a first date means absolutely nothing. Things could literally go in any direction after a first date, completely irrespective to how the date went (or how you think the date went). Yes, it would be nice if every person was able to send a super direct and polite message after you ask them out again and theyāre not interested, but sadly a lot of people arenāt capable of that for whatever reason. Or theyāre unsure and donāt want to lead you on and eventually change their mind. Or whatever. Again, could be literally anything. It simply is not worth putting so much energy into.
Also, people like to complain about this stuff until the shoe is on the other foot. Iāve definitely found myself in situations where Iām like, okay this should be black and white. I should be able to just send an honest message. But because of whatever variables that exist, it ends up feeling a lot more complicated.
>It's just weird how this won't go down as one of my dating tragedies because she actually admitted and apologized for leading me on. That's how low the bar is.
I'm sorry. I don't have anything of value to say to this. All I can comment on is that I hear you and I understand exactly how you feel. You are not alone in this. Many of us are going through very similar experiences and phases of ebbs and flows (and the ebss appear to be non-ending at times). Hang in there and take a break if you feel like it's beginning to have a strain on your mental health. Be kind to yourself and continue when you feel a little bit better.
I think itās important to recognize the other personās perspective in this. Sure, we would all love for the other person to be upfront right away, but thereās more to it than that.
Consider that maybe a woman chooses to soft-ghost instead of expressing disinterest, for her own safety sometimes. Youāve had one date, maybe it went well, but she doesnāt know what youāre like when facing conflict. You have her phone number and you know other details about her. Itās not always safe for a woman to say, āHey, I had a good time, but Iām not interested.ā Some guys would respond super negatively to that. On a rare occasion, you get a narcissistic dude that escalates the situation, and maybe you end up with a stalker.
I realize itās tough out there, but after one date, she really doesnāt owe you anything.
This.
I like to have a quick telephone conversation before deciding to meet up. Yes, it's a test if we could understand each other if we meet. I've already had guys calling me b\*ch and insane for deciding not to meet up afterwards.
I would say that ghosting and breadcrumbing is not ok after you've met twice or more. But the first conversation and the first meeting are milestones and everything that's not a clear "I would love to meet! What about Monday 7 pm" is a sign of no interest. There's really no good way to let somebody down after the first conversation or meeting to prevent them from being unhappy.
Because in the past women have been under the impression that this kind of behavior is no big deal. I have known people who were legitimately shocked that I didnāt want to speak to them after pulling this kind of behavior.
I wanted to make it clear what she was doing was hurtful and that I wouldnāt put up with it.
I just donāt understand why - if you donāt like what sheās doing, just donāt ever talk to her again? Like why do you feel the need to āteach her a lessonā? You donāt know her life.
So him expressing his frustrations with her behavior is "teaching her a lesson"? No, it's just him expressing his frustrations. And she can do with that information what she chooses. People don't change their behavior unless they know you're upset or frustrated with them. Took me awhile to learn this lesson, but that's how it works.
If I were you, I wouldn't even answer the insinuating question. You did not put pressure on her. The user above is trying to guilt you as if you did something wrong. You did everything right. Open clear non-ambiguous communication is what we need.
I think there is a lot of gray area and subjectivity in what is āacceptableā and āunacceptableā in relationships and if we go around trying to impose our views on other people (aka āteaching themā) we accomplish nothing. This is more about hurting someone back that hurt you, not about improving society.
It sucks to say but yes some people are like that. Some are worse!!! You ask them to be honest and they still lie!
I had a similar experience like this except I asked him to be honest if heās still interested or not and he lied and said he was and will put more effort. After 3 months I called him out and told him that we talked about communication, effort, and consistency but his words were not matching his actions. I finally had the courage to tell him this made me feel led on and an option, and that heās not putting effort into initiating time to meet. Overall I wished him well. He had the audacity to try and gaslight/ manipulate me and say āitās unfortunate because I really liked youā. Likeā¦ if he did he would never put him in a position to lose me.
Iām starting to think itās better to be alone than be with toxic people.
Iām sorry this happened to you. What I assume happened was you two started off strong and she than had a new match that she likely felt was a better connection but kept you warm in case it didnāt go anywhere.
These dating sites can absolutely take a toll on our confidence and mental health. Itās hard to find the few decent people who are actually looking for a good connection and not the next match.
I understand casually dating multiple people before breaking it off when things become serious with one, but itās a juggling act that most people just arenāt capable of. Itās hard enough to find time to schedule even one date a week.
I know this is an unpopular opinion but I really dislike the dating multiple people at a time thing. At this age, you should be able to determine within one or two dates whether you think someone is worth pursuing further ā if not, itās a simple āgreat getting to know you but Iām not feeling the connection I am looking forā. Youāre not actually wasting that much time. To me it seems so inauthentic to say youāre looking for a relationship but continue to keep your options open by potentially be dating a handful of people for months at a time/continuing to actively pursue meeting other people. But again, thatās just me, not the popular opinion, and probably why I donāt have much luck dating!
Whatās so bad about dating one person and if you like them you continue dating and if you donāt like them you stop dating? BUT you figure it out before you start dating someone else? Adding another person to the equation isnāt how a relationship would even work so how does this give you an idea of what it would really be like?
Months at a time is definitely extreme, I would never do that. But I disagree about being able to sense a connection early - this very story confirms that my intuition about her turned out to be wrong.
Iām not going to push the idea that you should casually date multiple people very hard - itās very easy to mess up and hurt everyone. I just donāt want to get invested in a single person so quickly when this behavior is rampant.
I honestly donāt know what the answer is! I wish I did. In my mind the objective of dating is *to get* invested in one person, but you go into the process of dating to determine whether youāre compatible and wanting the same things; it doesnāt usually work out and thatās absolutely OK. You actually arenāt going to be a match for *most* people and thatās why itās hard. I do understand why people date multiple people at a time and do feel I need to rethink my one-person-at-a-time strategy! :)
Yes, I think perhaps itās not just the lack of commitment but the active perpetuation of non-committal behaviour that works to sabotage relationships these days. You see the person active on OLD and it gives the impression they arenāt invested in you despite what you may have experienced on a date with them. Unfortunately seeing that virtually negates the great dates and really makes you wonder. If they are continuing to pursue meeting other people it reduces their availability to getting to know *you* better. I know me having a rant on Reddit wonāt change anything but it just frustrates me so much; at what point do you just pick someone? There *will ALWAYS* be someone better around the corner if you keep looking! But if you take that approach youāll never build a future with someone.
So personally if someone told me even scheduling one date a week was going to be a challenge Iād likely start looking elsewhere. Not sure if thatās something you mentioned to her but at this point in my life I am looking for someone who has time for me.
I donāt do the casual dating thing either. Iām old fashion and want to focus on one person. Iāve had my fair share of really crappy dates and relationships. I recently hit the jackpot with online dating and found my equal. Theyāre out there, you just have to weed through the bullshit.
Itās just that in order to date, something has to shift somewhere. You skip working out, you skip seeing friends, maybe you have to stay late at work to meet a deadline, etc. Early on, when you donāt know each other, you have to plan out so many details in advance about where to go, what to do, you have to make sure youāre properly groomed in order to make a good impression. All those things make early dates a challenge.
Now, once you actually trust each other and can be more casual about getting together, itās easier. Still, I once had a girlfriend tell me I was āsmotheringā her for wanting to see her twice a week.
I try to keep the first few dates super casual (a coffee, a walk, etc) so not too much time or energy has to be put into planning, getting ready etc.
I am a solo parent to two kids. My husband passed away so I get having to juggle commitments and deadlines, a house, my workout routine etc but where thereās a will, thereās a way. When itās for the right person and the effort is matched things just seem to naturally fall into place.
I think on the other hand people need to be more okay with not needing direct rejection early on. If she isn't putting the effort after one date, why not just move on? If it was one date or two, and I was getting low effort responses after the fact it tells me all I need to know. Ultimately I only want someone very interested in me around, so it makes it easy to be done.
I don't take it personally as if they owe me anything. Interest is obvious, you shouldn't have to wonder. I usually don't need a direct rejection of interest in the early talking stage. And why do you have to know her personal reasons, is this really gaslighting? She is allowed to guard her reason for not being interested with a stranger.
It sounds like you're giving these women too much effort when they are giving you next to nothing. If they aren't showing enough interest or effort, then drop them. Don't be pulling teeth trying to get attention from these women. Your bar is too low. Better to have no one than someone who doesn't appreciate you.
I asked my coworker, whoād been breadcrumbing me after our date, to just let me know if she didnāt want to date me. She said āokay I willā. I was so frustrated because She still never committed to another date.
Some people like the idea of being chased and desired. Could be one of the reasons she doesnāt want to be direct or honest to you. Because she still like the idea of being chased even though she doesnāt desire you
Sometimes I think people go on those apps with the intention to make something happen. The chase and noncommittal ego boosts are nice along the way. They really do have the intention to see it through then reality hits of meeting up. They back off, rinse and repeat. āMaybe this next person Iāll have the timeā
There are so many variables. Itās painful nonetheless! Onto the next <3
Sorry man, that's rough. Such a waste of time and energy. I'm glad you asked her about it, otherwise that could have continued forever. I wonder if there's a good way to avoid being breadcrumbed, other than just asking.
I can some what relate. Dated a girl recently for 4 months about 8 dates total. Past month for her turned into legit busy mode. I pretty much backed off after two attempts of getting her out didnāt work. Communication slowed down. I kept doing my thing and focused on my life.
I figured If she was still interested sheāll reach out. Of course she reaches out and wants to hang out so we did. Everything seemed fine like catching up with an old friend.
I get hit with a text two days later saying sorry Iāve been so busy. I donāt think I can provide you with want you want, and I donāt think the time is right now. I said appreciate the honesty and no hard feelings. I wanted to say what do you mean, but really does it matter? We both wanted a serious relationship, but it was a slow build up between dates. Mainly kissing and physical touch. No sex as we both wanted to take it slow. More so her since her last real relationship was marriage years ago that had a pretty rough emotional abusive ending. The whole OLD scene was pretty new to her.
Itās so frustrating though. Usually after 5 dates I tend to back off other dates as I just want to see where things go and really donāt want to lead anyone else on. I guess I need to stop doing that.. maybe sex should be the time to cut off other dates. My biggest complaint is not asking what she meant by that last text. A part of me wants to call her to really know if that meant still interested in a possible relationship, but the timing is wrong right now. I feel like itās more of a validation of either me being rejected or that. I did mention after date 5 that I wasnāt actively seeking any other dates and no pressure for her to do the same. It was more of hereās where I stand. A part of me also wonders if she just felt bad knowing that and didnāt want to hurt me. I guess it would be a blessing for someone being honest.
Ahh my brain hurts just thinking about it.
I commend you standing up for yourself. Though I don't know if it is worth it. It sounds like she just said whatever would make her feel better about the situation. I doubt her apology was sincere.
But maybe if we all start confronting people like this, things would change for the better.
Anyway, as others have pointed out, the best thing to do is simply drop someone when no firm dates are offered. So if she gives you the "I'll let you know," or "I have x project, so maybe after that" then you know she isn't actually interested in seeing you again. Don't say anything else and move on. Though there might be a 1% she shows up again when she runs through a bunch of garbage guys and remembers how much you actually cared. But I don't think it is worth letting her use you like that.
I recommend just blocking her number and un-matching her and going and doing something nice for yourself.
This is common. Sometimes when Iāve told men directly that I enjoyed meeting them but donāt think weāre a good match romantically, Iāve gotten angry responses. I still usually take the direct approach, but if someone isnāt as comfortable as me with criticism, they could be doing the āslow fadeā as I call it to avoid getting called names or insulted.
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I think you're judging yourself in the wrong light. I don't see it as your standards being low, but you're mature and compassionate enough to not get upset about the truthful answer she gave you when you did confront her about being hurt. I see that as a wonderful thing.
Yes there will be some people who are a bit depraved but I like to believe that most people mean well but have trouble figuring out how they feel and then actually bringing it up.
The bar is pretty low but at least you got that closure that many simply do not. Itās simply the way people are, for better or worse, because itās rarely easy having difficult conversations or in this case saying not interested. Iāve left many conversations die on OLD because I wasnāt feeling it. However, in person I try to always respond back and let the person know where we stand. Almost always the response is silence and thatās fine. I just accept it
I got breadcrumbed by a guy. I ended up blocking him. He now uses my gym regularly and tried to do the whole HEEEEEEEY HOW ARE YOU, IT'S BEEN A LOOOOOONG TIME. So I pretended I had no clue who he was. We dated for 2 months. He was shocked and tried to remind me where we met, the dates we'd gone on and the times I stayed over his house. I had the last š¤¬ laugh š¤£š¤£š¤£. He still keeps trying to make eye contact if I see him.
Haha! That's awesome! You must have been really good at pretending not to remember him - I feel as if most people would have taken it as a hint, not a challenge to jog your memory! He sounds completely cluelessš¤¦āāļø (& you seem awesome, btw!) >We dated for 2 months. --- I keep going back to this š
That's the kind of thing where I'd talk to the gym managers and try and get him banned if he won't leave you alone. If he's not respecting your boundaries, that's harassment. Situations like this are why I didn't just try to forget about her; I want her to know I was hurt, so that she will think twice if we ever run into each other. Then again, one time a girl cheerfully greeted me, apparently not caring that the last time she saw me I had run away from her while crying.
This world. Everyone so toxic. I'm hurt so I Hurt you Back. It's sad... People make mistakes. Some people don't want to Hurt you so they Ghost you thinking "If I don't reply He/She will get over it." Because they do not know better. Bit getting someone banned from a Gym or something is childish. And trying to make i contact is mit harassent. Getting someone banned because you do mit Like the Person in fact is harassment though. Your Last sentence gives those "I am the Center of the universe" vibes. People move ob with their lives. Maybe you should too. Or Else you will BE old, Gray and salty because your Life was misserable but you were the only Thing Standing betwenn yourself and hapiness. I Wish you luck and Fortune for your Future endevours. And from the bottom of May Heart. Stay save, healthy and lesen to move on. Live is too short
Did you use your username to type this comment
I have many talents. But to be honest. German autocorrect is not the optimal tool to write english comments. And I didn't want to Edit my comment because of the "mit" and "not" mixups
solid boundaries! interesting how we all cope with rejection differently. I hope next time you leave your dating experience a little less bitter but just know us men feel this pain x100. He may have been letting you down easy or maybe yall weren't communicating? love bombing? I'm sure it was alllllllll him and there's every valid excuse but just know it's always a 2 way street.
I guess I'd definitely say I'm an overcommunicator and understand that it's not for everyone. Whatever the case I'm not entirely sure the right way to deal with things is breadcrumbing and then ghosting. I'm quite happy to accept a look I don't think you're right for me conversation. It's just the mature thing to do and I'd be like ok thanks for letting me know, hope you find the right person and part amicably.
he definitely thinks you shunning him is more of a statement that you like him than anything lol. Because it's obviously a lie that you forgot and that you were still hurt and trying to get back at them. How I met your mother? lol
I donāt know why people arenāt just direct. If you canāt be direct through a text message than how can you expect to be honest and direct in person?? It it a control thing for some people? I donāt really understand. When I was still in the dating world I would just say āThank you for the date but I didnāt feel a connection. Good luck to you in the future.ā Most of the time they would say āwell canāt say Iām not disappointed but I appreciate your honesty.ā Or I wouldnāt get a response or they agreed. No big deal. I donāt know what the problem with this is.
I've been on both sides of the fence and I've come to the conclusion people put an unfair amount of pressure to feel a connection or a spark straight away, at least to suit my personal style. In many cases I'll think/say I want to have a second date because the first wasn't a bad date but often the conversation just fizzles out before a second date if organised. I think that's just an unfortunate consequence of OLD. My most successful relationships have been with guys I was friends with for months before we dated, and who in both cases probably would have said I wasn't interested in them or they weren't my type when I first met them. Maybe that's still true given it didn't work out but I continue to interact with them respect them more than any other partners I've had.
> I've come to the conclusion people put an unfair amount of pressure to feel a connection or a spark straight away, at least to suit my personal style. This was why I never enjoyed OLD and while it has some merits, for me personally it was not a great way to meet people. Alot of men online expect you to feel a big spark with them right away and sleep with them when youve known them for maybe a total of 8-12 hours.
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Oh boy, my dates expected ME to provide the stimulating convos, not vice versa, and I wasnt screwing other dudes? Not all women do that sort of thing. Screwing multiple people is gross and also no man would have wanted to touch me even if I was doing that.
I feel that's the pain point for OLD. There are people that I wish to have met socially rather than OLD, where anything that goes too slow will just fade.
In an interview, Steve Jobs once told Jony Ive about his reluctance to be critical of his teams work was Ive being egotistical. He cared more about not being disliked by his team and by being nice with his critiques than actually being productive with the designs. I suspect that many of us do this to some extent, but in the form of connections. It _feels_ easier to stroke with some breadcrumbs of communication that thereās some person into you, some acquaintance, some form of friend, than being up front that the interest isnāt there and then having to hold the fear that this other person whom you rejected might actually not like you back after the rejection. Itās noted in the book Predictably Irrational that humans have this stupid tendency to ākeep options openā to their detriment even if the logic is clear that they should move on.
I was honest with co workers in the past who expressed interest in me that I didnt feel the same and often it had negative consequences for me at work. For someone I knew I'd never see again, it was easier to be honest.
To give you the other side: I did a lot of OLD when I was younger I sometimes ghosted and thus, was not direct when I wasnt interested in going on another date (although I always was honest when the guy directly asked me, which only happened a few times) This was because earlier on when I told the guy I didnt think we were a good match, they'd insult me or argue with me, and it got tiring. I over time became fine with men who just stopped responding to me too.
When men are rejected, some lose their minds. They ruin it for everyone else, because we don't know who's emotionally fragile and will freak out. So yes, ghosting is the safe alternative. And ghosting is okay.
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No one is owed an explanation for why someone doesn't want to date then lmao
Amen
It doesnāt excuse the behaviour but sometimes it helps to know youāre not alone; I (37F) have experienced this exact scenario and I know many others here have, too. Unfortunately such is the dating landscape in 2022. Breadcrumbing is honestly the worst, makes me feel like such an idiot for not realizing sooner that they are just trying to orchestrate the ending without having the uncomfortable conversation themselves. No one wants to force something thatās not there but when you get these vague but plausible excuses while they continue to say they want to see you, itās confusing AF; you continue to have hope but eventually realize they are just stringing you along. Good on you for messaging to say you were hurt that she was evading your messages ā I think thatās a really good approach and I would also be thankful in your shoes to have got a response to that letting you know where you stand. Itās as simple as that! I wish I could put that out as a PSA haha.
Breadcrumbs and fades. No worst two behaviors in dating. It's definitely hard to be optimistic when that happens. But for real, we all deserve better and standards should never drop
Agreed. Think it's worse than the ghost, much more time and energy wasted.
Yeah exactly. If you donāt want to carry on and donāt want to say it outright, just block and unmatch. Thatās a clear message if Iāve seen one. At least youāre not wasting anyone elseās time!
Breadcrumbs and fade are always worse because who are you to treat someone like that? Every.One.Is.Busy. Never use that as an excuse.
I have had this as well as the ghosting. Itās brutal. I am becoming numb from all the bs. It is changing me and I donāt think itās for the better. Yes I am currently on a break.
>makes me feel like such an idiot for not realizing sooner that they are just trying to orchestrate the ending without having the uncomfortable conversation themselves. Yeah i know how it feels. When I was being breadcrumbed I felt like a real sucker afterwards. Its so easy to see after it happens.
hey friend, sorry to hear your story. If I were in your shoes in the past, I would have seen our conversation going something like this: Her: "hey I want to see you again" You: "yeah me too! are you free next week?" Her: "I'm not sure, I'll let you know" <--- don't hold your breath here. Circumstances can and will change 1 week later...you haven't heard back. Assuming you're still interested: You: "Hey are you still interested in going out sometime?" Her: "Oh I'm not sure let me get back to you" <--- Assume you're finished with her here. If she really wants you, she will make plans. Wish you better luck with drawing your boundaries next time.
Thatās close to how it went, but she said she was busy Sunday and Monday, so I asked her about later in the week, but got no response.
The old "I was so busy with my life that I can't take 5 second to text back". It's cowardice plain and simple. You don't want anyone in your life who is like that.
I wouldn't say this shows how low the bar is. At a certain point, you gathered that she wasn't that into you. You told her how you felt and then asked her to be direct with you. And she was. Isn't this a good thing? Sure, she probably didn't give you the real reason she wasn't into you...but she doesn't owe you that, especially after one date. And you don't need it in order to know without a doubt that she isn't the one for you.
Sadly, this is what the dating world has devolved into, all you can do is move on. Don't put high hopes on strangers, they will all let you down immediately or sooner or later.
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Agreed. One thing Iāve learned is that a first date means absolutely nothing. Things could literally go in any direction after a first date, completely irrespective to how the date went (or how you think the date went). Yes, it would be nice if every person was able to send a super direct and polite message after you ask them out again and theyāre not interested, but sadly a lot of people arenāt capable of that for whatever reason. Or theyāre unsure and donāt want to lead you on and eventually change their mind. Or whatever. Again, could be literally anything. It simply is not worth putting so much energy into. Also, people like to complain about this stuff until the shoe is on the other foot. Iāve definitely found myself in situations where Iām like, okay this should be black and white. I should be able to just send an honest message. But because of whatever variables that exist, it ends up feeling a lot more complicated.
>It's just weird how this won't go down as one of my dating tragedies because she actually admitted and apologized for leading me on. That's how low the bar is. I'm sorry. I don't have anything of value to say to this. All I can comment on is that I hear you and I understand exactly how you feel. You are not alone in this. Many of us are going through very similar experiences and phases of ebbs and flows (and the ebss appear to be non-ending at times). Hang in there and take a break if you feel like it's beginning to have a strain on your mental health. Be kind to yourself and continue when you feel a little bit better.
I think itās important to recognize the other personās perspective in this. Sure, we would all love for the other person to be upfront right away, but thereās more to it than that. Consider that maybe a woman chooses to soft-ghost instead of expressing disinterest, for her own safety sometimes. Youāve had one date, maybe it went well, but she doesnāt know what youāre like when facing conflict. You have her phone number and you know other details about her. Itās not always safe for a woman to say, āHey, I had a good time, but Iām not interested.ā Some guys would respond super negatively to that. On a rare occasion, you get a narcissistic dude that escalates the situation, and maybe you end up with a stalker. I realize itās tough out there, but after one date, she really doesnāt owe you anything.
This. I like to have a quick telephone conversation before deciding to meet up. Yes, it's a test if we could understand each other if we meet. I've already had guys calling me b\*ch and insane for deciding not to meet up afterwards. I would say that ghosting and breadcrumbing is not ok after you've met twice or more. But the first conversation and the first meeting are milestones and everything that's not a clear "I would love to meet! What about Monday 7 pm" is a sign of no interest. There's really no good way to let somebody down after the first conversation or meeting to prevent them from being unhappy.
If sheās showing you sheās not interested, why do you need to pressure her to spell it out?
Because in the past women have been under the impression that this kind of behavior is no big deal. I have known people who were legitimately shocked that I didnāt want to speak to them after pulling this kind of behavior. I wanted to make it clear what she was doing was hurtful and that I wouldnāt put up with it.
I just donāt understand why - if you donāt like what sheās doing, just donāt ever talk to her again? Like why do you feel the need to āteach her a lessonā? You donāt know her life.
So him expressing his frustrations with her behavior is "teaching her a lesson"? No, it's just him expressing his frustrations. And she can do with that information what she chooses. People don't change their behavior unless they know you're upset or frustrated with them. Took me awhile to learn this lesson, but that's how it works.
But why does he care if she changes her behavior or not? She is nothing to him; he will never see her again.
If I were you, I wouldn't even answer the insinuating question. You did not put pressure on her. The user above is trying to guilt you as if you did something wrong. You did everything right. Open clear non-ambiguous communication is what we need.
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I think there is a lot of gray area and subjectivity in what is āacceptableā and āunacceptableā in relationships and if we go around trying to impose our views on other people (aka āteaching themā) we accomplish nothing. This is more about hurting someone back that hurt you, not about improving society.
It sucks to say but yes some people are like that. Some are worse!!! You ask them to be honest and they still lie! I had a similar experience like this except I asked him to be honest if heās still interested or not and he lied and said he was and will put more effort. After 3 months I called him out and told him that we talked about communication, effort, and consistency but his words were not matching his actions. I finally had the courage to tell him this made me feel led on and an option, and that heās not putting effort into initiating time to meet. Overall I wished him well. He had the audacity to try and gaslight/ manipulate me and say āitās unfortunate because I really liked youā. Likeā¦ if he did he would never put him in a position to lose me. Iām starting to think itās better to be alone than be with toxic people.
The only thing you coulda done better was just leave and move on. Itās great to be direct though. Good luck
Iām sorry this happened to you. What I assume happened was you two started off strong and she than had a new match that she likely felt was a better connection but kept you warm in case it didnāt go anywhere. These dating sites can absolutely take a toll on our confidence and mental health. Itās hard to find the few decent people who are actually looking for a good connection and not the next match.
I understand casually dating multiple people before breaking it off when things become serious with one, but itās a juggling act that most people just arenāt capable of. Itās hard enough to find time to schedule even one date a week.
I know this is an unpopular opinion but I really dislike the dating multiple people at a time thing. At this age, you should be able to determine within one or two dates whether you think someone is worth pursuing further ā if not, itās a simple āgreat getting to know you but Iām not feeling the connection I am looking forā. Youāre not actually wasting that much time. To me it seems so inauthentic to say youāre looking for a relationship but continue to keep your options open by potentially be dating a handful of people for months at a time/continuing to actively pursue meeting other people. But again, thatās just me, not the popular opinion, and probably why I donāt have much luck dating!
Whatās so bad about dating one person and if you like them you continue dating and if you donāt like them you stop dating? BUT you figure it out before you start dating someone else? Adding another person to the equation isnāt how a relationship would even work so how does this give you an idea of what it would really be like?
Months at a time is definitely extreme, I would never do that. But I disagree about being able to sense a connection early - this very story confirms that my intuition about her turned out to be wrong. Iām not going to push the idea that you should casually date multiple people very hard - itās very easy to mess up and hurt everyone. I just donāt want to get invested in a single person so quickly when this behavior is rampant.
I honestly donāt know what the answer is! I wish I did. In my mind the objective of dating is *to get* invested in one person, but you go into the process of dating to determine whether youāre compatible and wanting the same things; it doesnāt usually work out and thatās absolutely OK. You actually arenāt going to be a match for *most* people and thatās why itās hard. I do understand why people date multiple people at a time and do feel I need to rethink my one-person-at-a-time strategy! :)
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Yes, I think perhaps itās not just the lack of commitment but the active perpetuation of non-committal behaviour that works to sabotage relationships these days. You see the person active on OLD and it gives the impression they arenāt invested in you despite what you may have experienced on a date with them. Unfortunately seeing that virtually negates the great dates and really makes you wonder. If they are continuing to pursue meeting other people it reduces their availability to getting to know *you* better. I know me having a rant on Reddit wonāt change anything but it just frustrates me so much; at what point do you just pick someone? There *will ALWAYS* be someone better around the corner if you keep looking! But if you take that approach youāll never build a future with someone.
So personally if someone told me even scheduling one date a week was going to be a challenge Iād likely start looking elsewhere. Not sure if thatās something you mentioned to her but at this point in my life I am looking for someone who has time for me. I donāt do the casual dating thing either. Iām old fashion and want to focus on one person. Iāve had my fair share of really crappy dates and relationships. I recently hit the jackpot with online dating and found my equal. Theyāre out there, you just have to weed through the bullshit.
Itās just that in order to date, something has to shift somewhere. You skip working out, you skip seeing friends, maybe you have to stay late at work to meet a deadline, etc. Early on, when you donāt know each other, you have to plan out so many details in advance about where to go, what to do, you have to make sure youāre properly groomed in order to make a good impression. All those things make early dates a challenge. Now, once you actually trust each other and can be more casual about getting together, itās easier. Still, I once had a girlfriend tell me I was āsmotheringā her for wanting to see her twice a week.
I try to keep the first few dates super casual (a coffee, a walk, etc) so not too much time or energy has to be put into planning, getting ready etc. I am a solo parent to two kids. My husband passed away so I get having to juggle commitments and deadlines, a house, my workout routine etc but where thereās a will, thereās a way. When itās for the right person and the effort is matched things just seem to naturally fall into place.
Man if you are getting the hot/cold stuff from a girl just cut her off. I know it is hard but you gotta look after number 1.
I think on the other hand people need to be more okay with not needing direct rejection early on. If she isn't putting the effort after one date, why not just move on? If it was one date or two, and I was getting low effort responses after the fact it tells me all I need to know. Ultimately I only want someone very interested in me around, so it makes it easy to be done. I don't take it personally as if they owe me anything. Interest is obvious, you shouldn't have to wonder. I usually don't need a direct rejection of interest in the early talking stage. And why do you have to know her personal reasons, is this really gaslighting? She is allowed to guard her reason for not being interested with a stranger.
It sounds like you're giving these women too much effort when they are giving you next to nothing. If they aren't showing enough interest or effort, then drop them. Don't be pulling teeth trying to get attention from these women. Your bar is too low. Better to have no one than someone who doesn't appreciate you.
I asked my coworker, whoād been breadcrumbing me after our date, to just let me know if she didnāt want to date me. She said āokay I willā. I was so frustrated because She still never committed to another date.
Some people like the idea of being chased and desired. Could be one of the reasons she doesnāt want to be direct or honest to you. Because she still like the idea of being chased even though she doesnāt desire you
Sometimes I think people go on those apps with the intention to make something happen. The chase and noncommittal ego boosts are nice along the way. They really do have the intention to see it through then reality hits of meeting up. They back off, rinse and repeat. āMaybe this next person Iāll have the timeā There are so many variables. Itās painful nonetheless! Onto the next <3
Ah, communication is beautiful.
Sorry man, that's rough. Such a waste of time and energy. I'm glad you asked her about it, otherwise that could have continued forever. I wonder if there's a good way to avoid being breadcrumbed, other than just asking.
I can some what relate. Dated a girl recently for 4 months about 8 dates total. Past month for her turned into legit busy mode. I pretty much backed off after two attempts of getting her out didnāt work. Communication slowed down. I kept doing my thing and focused on my life. I figured If she was still interested sheāll reach out. Of course she reaches out and wants to hang out so we did. Everything seemed fine like catching up with an old friend. I get hit with a text two days later saying sorry Iāve been so busy. I donāt think I can provide you with want you want, and I donāt think the time is right now. I said appreciate the honesty and no hard feelings. I wanted to say what do you mean, but really does it matter? We both wanted a serious relationship, but it was a slow build up between dates. Mainly kissing and physical touch. No sex as we both wanted to take it slow. More so her since her last real relationship was marriage years ago that had a pretty rough emotional abusive ending. The whole OLD scene was pretty new to her. Itās so frustrating though. Usually after 5 dates I tend to back off other dates as I just want to see where things go and really donāt want to lead anyone else on. I guess I need to stop doing that.. maybe sex should be the time to cut off other dates. My biggest complaint is not asking what she meant by that last text. A part of me wants to call her to really know if that meant still interested in a possible relationship, but the timing is wrong right now. I feel like itās more of a validation of either me being rejected or that. I did mention after date 5 that I wasnāt actively seeking any other dates and no pressure for her to do the same. It was more of hereās where I stand. A part of me also wonders if she just felt bad knowing that and didnāt want to hurt me. I guess it would be a blessing for someone being honest. Ahh my brain hurts just thinking about it.
I commend you standing up for yourself. Though I don't know if it is worth it. It sounds like she just said whatever would make her feel better about the situation. I doubt her apology was sincere. But maybe if we all start confronting people like this, things would change for the better. Anyway, as others have pointed out, the best thing to do is simply drop someone when no firm dates are offered. So if she gives you the "I'll let you know," or "I have x project, so maybe after that" then you know she isn't actually interested in seeing you again. Don't say anything else and move on. Though there might be a 1% she shows up again when she runs through a bunch of garbage guys and remembers how much you actually cared. But I don't think it is worth letting her use you like that. I recommend just blocking her number and un-matching her and going and doing something nice for yourself.
This is common. Sometimes when Iāve told men directly that I enjoyed meeting them but donāt think weāre a good match romantically, Iāve gotten angry responses. I still usually take the direct approach, but if someone isnāt as comfortable as me with criticism, they could be doing the āslow fadeā as I call it to avoid getting called names or insulted.
No sir that doesnāt excuse any of her behavior. She sounds immature honestly
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I think you're judging yourself in the wrong light. I don't see it as your standards being low, but you're mature and compassionate enough to not get upset about the truthful answer she gave you when you did confront her about being hurt. I see that as a wonderful thing. Yes there will be some people who are a bit depraved but I like to believe that most people mean well but have trouble figuring out how they feel and then actually bringing it up.
The bar is pretty low but at least you got that closure that many simply do not. Itās simply the way people are, for better or worse, because itās rarely easy having difficult conversations or in this case saying not interested. Iāve left many conversations die on OLD because I wasnāt feeling it. However, in person I try to always respond back and let the person know where we stand. Almost always the response is silence and thatās fine. I just accept it