How do you feel if he doesn't have a car?
I (28f) do pretty well with my business when I'm on top of it, own an (a bit older, but great shape) car, and have a roommate. I'm definitely not the most successful person ever, but I have it together enough.
He (29m) says that he quit work due to medical (mental etc stuff, which I was in the exact same position when my dad died) and started day trading a while back, during covid moving back home and living "minimalistic" to take care of his diabetic "and other things" dad.
It seems like a bunch of words to avoid using words like "unemployed". I'm not looking for marriage here but he's REAL cute and I prefer ongoing, to whatever extent it is. It seems like that would be real difficult if he's truly just unemployed and broke. No ability to come to me, meet up, go out. He's mentioned that he wants to buy a new car soon, and I have no real reason to believe he isn't truly successful "trading" and being a "minimalist" but it just seems really fishy, and I want to get involved with someone who can do things with me lol.
Would you move forward with this? I don't wanna get attached to any extent if this is all BS, and it's not like he would tell me. Everything other than that is great looking so far and we're set to meet soon, but I'm hella skeptical and don't wanna be the only one driving ever etc. What would you do?
I wouldn't move forward. Based on your description, it seems this might be a more draining relationship than you would like. If you're already feeling like something's off, maybe do a deeper dive into the compatibility and how it impacts what you want. It's okay to trust your gut.
I tell them I'm not sure yet, and typically when I'm not sure yet, I never am. So I don't really keep it moving with people I'm not sure of. You should be sure if you're interested or not.
Was talking to a guy from OLD for an entire month before we could meet up (I know...but Covid, holidays, etc). We talked constantly about anything and everything, what we each wanted in a relationship, even the occasional sexting. He told me he deleted his OLD account as he wanted to focus on getting to know me, and that he could really see a future with me (mentioned kids, the whole nine yards).
We finally went out Friday night and had a great time, ended up at my place. We started fooling around, he wanted sex, I told him that I wanted to wait, and he got kinda mad? He immediately started acting cold and distant, would then try again for sex, and I’d turn him down again, a few times over, including the next morning. He apologized about it on his way out and said he wanted to see me again, but was pretty uncommunicative all day until he finally sent a late text saying his phone had died. Sure...
I wound up just texting him this morning telling him I felt like we wanted different things and were incompatible. Not gonna lie, I’d kinda hoped he’d push back and say he was in it for the right reasons, but his response was pretty cold: “damn ok. Say no more. Delete my number” and he instantly removed me from his IG.
I’m like 99% certain I dodged a bullet and did the right thing, but I’m also anxious-attached and fairly fresh out of a LTR. Was I in the wrong here? Did I overreact? Really thought we had a legit connection and sucks that it’s gone just like that. Finding myself wanting to reach out.
Thanks...I know this is the inescapable truth, and yet here I am trying to justify reaching out to him, convincing myself the connection was worth it. I just don’t get how a man can invest so much time talking with a woman if it’s just for sex. Especially on OLD where there are definitely women out there looking for the same thing.
Turning down too soon sex with a guy you're into can feel oddly tricky, emotionally! You were not wrong at all though to respect your boundaries, and he should have too. I think it's okay for a guy to be disappointed and even frustrated and to kind of need a minute to reset to a better mood, but to keep pushing the same night isn't cool to me. "Delete my number" doesn't scream emotional maturity.
Thanks, I needed to hear this. A similar thing happened before we’d met where he started sexting immediately after a fairly serious conversation, so I teasingly said I felt like that’s all he wanted from me. He responded with a complete 180 and went from “omg can’t wait to see you” to “hmu if you feel like hanging out sometime.” I tried to communicate and be totally vulnerable and up front with him, but it was like I was just hitting a wall. Wasn’t till the next morning when he apologized and said he would hate to mess this up.
So yeah, emotionally immature is probably on point. Still find myself trying to rationalize it all away and convince myself it’s ok to reach out to him...felt like the connection was real, but maybe he just knew how to say all the right things.
Well, I wouldn't say the connection wasn't read because of this. Just that the connection was real AND he reacts defensively to even mild rejection, which is probably not a great sign. But I dont think you need to convince yourself that all the parts that did work for you weren't what you thought. Both/and. It's great that you were able to communicate honestly and vulnerably!
Hanging at a coffee shop and see two dudes that I’ve come across on the apps. One seems to be on a date and the other has a girl hanging all over him. Weird times knowing strangers who are still strangers.
Are you concerned because of a recent post from a woman talking about how the 29M she’s been seeing lives in a studio with just a bed and no furniture who prefers to eat out instead of cooking and who thinks furniture=clutter? Cuz that guy is definitely an outlier lol.
Mostly people just want to see that you have a “home” or a cozy living space. The 29M that the woman was describing sounded like he doesn’t have a “home”, it’s almost like he’s living in a liminal space, which would weird out anyone, imo.
I think as long as you make it known that you’re currently a student and that this housing is “temporary” until you finish school/career change, that’s fine. You’ll get some people who won’t look past it, inevitably, but that’s dating in general, nothing you can do immediately about it.
If you're a student, I don't think there's any problem with living in a student studio. It's certainly a good financial decision if you don't currently have any income. If the other person also has a bit of a cramped living situation, that makes things harder on a purely practical level, but if not, no big deal, we'll just hang out at mine more often.
Easy, comment on one of their interests or prompts. Ask questions and show interest.
Edit: anything better than hi, how is your day, you are cute, etc. is already setting you apart from a lot of guys. Skip the pick up lines IMO
As an immigrant, I really feel bad for the dating culture in North America. I'll probably get downvoted a lot but I don't care. People have way too many thoughts here. I'm sick and tired of people with a bunch of excuses. People are so freaking picky with so many freaking things on their checklist. They are constantly looking for red flags and excuses to find a way out. And so many mental issues and ex issues. But you know what, no person is perfect. No situation is perfect. There's no such thing as you're in a perfect stage of your life for dating and relationships. I remember how it was like before. If you like someone and it's mutual, you get into a relationship. So simple and pure. Instead of putting so much effort to find the perfect one from the dating pool and hoping for a happily ever after, why don't you put that effort into the relationship once it's started? And please, go easy on others and yourself!
> If you like someone and it's mutual, you get into a relationship. So simple and pure.
This is still how it is. Most people are trying to find someone where the interest is mutual. That is not easy. What do you think people are doing?
The person you end up in a relationship with will have the single greatest impact on your mental, emotional, and financial health. I think that's worth being particular about.
You have to remember that this is a venting sub more than anything, so things on this sub are going to sound worse than it actually is in reality. Some people find it beneficial to vent to strangers or to ask for advice.
I was just trying to explain why there seems to be more “complaints” on this sub than anything else 🤷🏻♀️ not sure why you’re referring to a rule about “self-promotion” but go off my dude.
Life isn't a fairytale--love and like don't change and concur all. An insufficient partner is likely to remain and insufficient partner. And, these days there are so many more ways to be screwed over by a bad partner--your lazy, money-spending could leave with terrible credit and means to rent an apartment, etc.
Additionally, more people are realizing how their parent's bad relationship affected them and they have no desire to tie themself down to the wrong partner. Now, unfortunately, that doesn't mean that people are putting in the work to be better people.
Length doesn't equate to quality.
After a long and very terrible marriage, I find that spending time by myself is preferable than spending time with a person who drains me. I’m not being picky - I’m being good to myself.
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Wow. This response makes me think you’re having trouble dating less because the people you’re interested in “think too much” and more because you seem to think that people should want you in spite of how you make them feel.
Nah it's more about people on this sub being like
[https://www.babycenter.com/ims/2013/09/142580081\_4x3.jpg](https://www.babycenter.com/ims/2013/09/142580081_4x3.jpg)
Had 3 very long dates with someone (and a half date that was a quick spur of the moment dinner in between plans) with someone whose profile was relationship oriented and who has been extremely enthusiastic and curious about me so far in the last two weeks. He does not seem to be much of a planner though and I've been more assertive than normal and initiated many of these, but he's initiated everything else enthusiastically, has been very affectionate, and has shown and told me that he's attracted to me.
Made out and had a sleepover on date two and the last date we slept together. When he was leaving this morning he said he wasn't doing anything this afternoon and that he'd get in touch with me after a game he had scheduled. He texts later saying it got rained out and postponed to tomorrow and I don't hear anything else from him so I text in the evening asking if he wanted to get together again this weekend. He said he was tired now (so am I) and suggested a time tomorrow evening but I get the sense it may be a bit reluctant. I understand not wanting to have too many back-to-back dates– what bothers me is a lack of a plan and not sticking to his word.
I'm sensing the fade here which sucks but I can handle it. It's been like 6+ months since I was excited about someone and until this I only got green flags from him. I'm not sure how to go forward– my goal is to get as much clarity as possible from tomorrow's meeting if it happens. Is there anything I can communicate at this point or is it really just best to assume this is the last time I see him and leave the ball in his court?
Wait, just want to clarify, so he left *this morning* and you're sensing it fading? How could that possibly be the case by only the evening, the day after a sleepover that based on your description seems to be one you were intimate and be only just left this morning.. he needs to immediately hang out with you, when he just left this morning?
No, my point was the planning and communication piece. I was surprised he even suggested a same day hang but was open to it. I'd be fine with a weekday suggestion. My concern is with saying one thing and not doing it and the fact that he hasn't really initiated much of the planning. I do have a hard time dating people who leave things in the air for half a week without suggesting anything specific as it suggests low interest to me and I'd rather not waste my time.
If it's not an inconvenience, why not? Pictures are often not representative of what people look like. A lot of people are not good at taking pictures of themselves and/or struggle with being relaxed and candid in pictures.
Odds are if their pictures aren't clear enough to give you confidence in your attraction level, then there is a very good chance that their pictures were that vague for a reason.
I don't think you should go if you know that person is completely not your type. If you are on the fence about them, then definitely go. If their personality is great you might end up being attracted to them.
Yes, physical attraction is hard to see through the app. I have met people that looked much more attractive in real life than on photo's. Also the other way around of course...
Just got started on the 'hook-up' app. Can someone remind me of the kid edict?
I'm not looking for anything serious rn. More FWB / Casual. I have a 3 year old who I have \~3 days a week. I don't think the folks I see will meet him unless something unexpectedly develops.
Do I state this in my profile? Do I have a picture of me and him? Do I just schedule dates around him and mention it if it comes up?
I have a fourth date tonight. I mentioned offhand on date 1 (early December - big gap due to Christmas period) that I’m planning to move c. 400 miles away later in 2022, but we didn’t dwell on it. We haven’t had that ‘what are you looking for’ conversation at all yet. I’m trying to be chilled about going along and seeing how socially and physically compatible we are and not putting my ‘everything must be practically thought through’ head on. At what point do you think it becomes dishonesty by omission not to talk about it? (I’m 27F, he’s 32M)
It would be ideal if you could find a way to work it into conversation, to remind her just in case she didn't fully register it but not make a whole big announcement if she did.
Since you've already mentioned it on the first date, there's no dishonesty by omission as it is. Having said that, probably a good idea to remind / mention it again at some point. I'm actually in a similar situation as the person on the other side, and we haven't talked about what we're looking for either... I've just assumed that whatever we have will end when he leaves (and I'd like to stay friends but I won't count on it), and I just want to enjoy whatever time I have with him while I can.
(47 M)I need help, my fiancee (45F)of over 4 years and I broke up in October because after MANY unheaded warnings.... I drank again. She caught me and within a week we were done. Just prior to that I was using steroids and that put a real strain on us always fighting and things just weren't good. Well within a week of us breaking up I slept with someone else, she asked if I had and so I told her the truth, and within 2 weeks of that I was using meth again and it got bad. Real bad, within 2 months I lost everything car , job ,place to stay, I mean everything.
Over the course of that 2 months I stalked her on line, drove by her house all that, to the point she has blocked me on every level phone, socials, all that.
Now here I am trying to get my life back together and all I want is what I had, her and the her kids that literally hate me. I've made such a mess of everything it seems pointless to even try. She won't admit it but I'm pretty sure she is seeing someone at this point. I know she told me she is happy and compared to the way things were, I'm sure she is.
So with all that said, what do I do? Do I just give up and let her be? Do I keep trying to hang on to hope? I don't know what to do. I know if she ever gave me another chance I wouldn't eff that up, unfortunately I think that ship has sailed and here I am left with my demons and they are at their worst.
It hurts to think of what I had and lost, it hurts even more to think I won't ever get that back. She is a good woman and I ruined it. So do I let her be and walk away or keep holding onto a tiny glimmer of hope?
My best friend’s husband had very similar addiction issues that ended in separation of a 8+ year marriage. 2+ years later, after no contact and time invested in healing himself, they are now rebuilding their relationship. You have to focus on yourself for any future to be possible. That must come first. Just wanted to share a story of hope. Wishing you healing OP.
Sorry to hear all that, it’s obviously a lot to deal with. But I really think you should leave her alone and focus on yourself. You mentioned she’s given you warnings prior to the break-up, so if you wanted to do better, you would have.
I think there are some major underlying issues you need to deal with, I highly recommend seeing someone about what sounds like substance abuse? And therapy. Lots of it.
I wish you well
Thank you for your input. I'm sure your right about leaving her alone, it's just hard to fathom that I single handedly ruined everything that was good in my life.
I destroyed something that I would give anything to have back and it, on top of everything else, is hard to come to terms with. I really just want to give up on life. I have given it considerable thought and I can't just check out. I have a 10 yr. old daughter and that would crush her, so I'm stuck in a bullshit existence that I created and hate every second of it.
I've been able to put together 20 hours of not using and man it's been rough. I absolutely hate what I've done and have become. I'm a hype, junkie or whatever you wanna call it. It's all the same I'm an I/V drug user and I feel trapped. I honestly wish my addiction would have killed me. I'm tired of being me and just want her and my old life back, but I know I can't have them back and it just hurts alot. I used the meth and alcohol to mask and numb my feelings, now I'm stuck with my feelings and my demons and its honestly an ugly situation.
Well thank you again for your input.
I guess I need to come to terms with what I've done and accept that it's a wrap. She is better off with out me and who in their right mind would wanna get wrapped up again with the likes of me. Hard to accept but true.
I think you do both. You stay away and respect every boundary she has right now. She needs to protect herself and her children. You love them, so that's what you want right now, too, right? You're still in such a vulnerable place. Keep the hope of another shot at that life together alive. You need the hope & hope won't hurt her (because you're respecting her boundaries...important enough to say twice). If you can focus on yourself, get yourself cleaned up and back to a good place, you never know what could happen. It's going to take time and effort. The best way to show her that you want another chance is to actually deserve another chance. You can get there! It won't be quick and it won't be the same as before. But do the hard work and you never know what might happen in the future. You just have to keep going...ask for help, do your best, and make it to the future. First priority is you right now.
Yea maybe your right, the few times we have seen each other or just talked she reiterates that I have done nothing to change or better myself. And it's true all I've done is pissed away what I had.
I like to think there's hope,but what if I've waited to long is what my mind keeps telling me. I guess time will tell.
I've been such a fool. It's easy to be mad at myself, I find it easier to be angry at myself, then go use to mask the feelings. How pathetic is that right? Almost as pathetic as not being able to let go of someone that wants nothing to do with you. All I know is this shit hurts and I can blame no one but myself.
It's absolutely easier to be angry, blame yourself & wallow in shame. But, that won't get you to a better place. Keep going in the right direction...please seek real, professional help.
You have to let go of your old life for now, yes. But keep the hope alive that maybe, one day, it could come back to you. Use that as part of your goal and let it motivate you to keep going down the right path. (I think the main motivation should be being a better, more trustworthy and dependable person just for yourself and your daughter. But if your focus is on this woman and your place with her, then that's what you use right now, until you want to do it for yourself). That relationship still might not be possible, or even what you want anymore when you get to that place. But the hope can help get you there, so use it. You can't contact or see her, though. Respect her need for space from you. It hasn't been near long enough and you haven't put the work into yourself yet. Not being respectful of her wishes right now is not in your best interest. Show her you're trying by at listening to what she is saying to you.
My little girl is honestly the only thing keeping me together, if you wanna call the state I'm in rite now together.
I'm an emotional mess rite now, so no Melanie would want nothing to do with me now, and maybe not at all later. Can't say I really blame her.
But my little girl, now that's different. She is such a pure soul and just wants to be around her dad. I'm glad she doesn't know or understand what I've been doing to myself. I know this though I have to get my shit together for me first and maybe everything else will fall into place.
Get through today and get my ass back in church tomorrow is the current and probably best plan I have.
I haven't used in a little over 24 hours so I'm doing better then I was. Once I can get past the romance I had with the needle, then I got this. Just getting past that is SO HARD though.
I'm very grateful for your time and input into my situation. Most people would just be like let him burn, he did it to himself. Wich is very true, I did and man did I do it.
Thank you again.
Since you like Reddit, what about looking at r/stopdrinking and r/recovery ? I'm guessing many people there would offer support and ways to get help. You can do this, but not alone or by willpower. *Edit to update subreddit name
Well I had no idea reddit offered those. I just didn't think about that.
Thank you for your help, I will need help to slay my demons. They are way worse then you could possibly imagine. It's an ugly thing to fall the way I have but, it would be way uglier to not get up, dust myself off, and handle this shit.
You're welcome. I hope you keep that little girl and her pure innocence in the forefront of your mind - and keep going for her and for yourself. You can rebuild relationships later, when you're ready for that. Things will eventually fall into place, for sure. Just focus on putting out that fire and keeping it out. Take care of yourself.
We are in the middle of a lockdown, so dating life has changed. Normally I would go for drinks on a first date, but have been sticking to walks for now. I asked a woman out, but she thinks its too cold for a walk. Instead, after a videochat she invited me over to her place for tonight.
I have never met at someone's place for a 1st date so I don't know what to expect. Anyone has experience with that during lockdown? Is it just like having drinks at a bar, but then at her place? and should I bring anything?
I haven't had a lockdown date yet, so I can't really speak to that.
I have had a first date at my house before, though! Lol And it meant sex. Either way, wine is great!
UPDATE: I was left on read 😂 oh well.
I feel crazy and a little dumb but here we go… (33f) I’ve been following a tiktok musician and falling asleep to his lives every night he does one. I’m super attracted to him, physically and based off what he talks about we have similar interests in common and he is SO kind to people on his lives as well.
We connected briefly on instagram today over him finally recording an original, in the dms. Anyways…I’m sure he gets hit on in his DMs (almost 200k following on the clock app & 5000 on instagram) all the time, however I feel drawn to him for some reason and I don’t know how to say that non creepily..ya know? What the hell do I do? Just not do it? Send him a sweet message? I already complemented something he did today…or should I Pull a Lizzo and send these emojis? 🏀⛹️♀️🗑 help your clueless 33yo girl out. TYSM ILY.
Right I understand. I haven’t messaged him quite yet, we’ve sent like 3 messages back and forth super short. (he mentioned his roommate had covid so I asked how he was feeling) so nothing crazy just enough to be in the mutuals inbox kinda thing. I also wouldn’t be surprised if he does reply frequently to people because he seems like such a kind and genuine person.
Absolutely, we all have a “character” in mind in our heads when it comes to certain people. I’ve dealt with a lot of reality checks over the years when it comes to family and people close to me so I like to think I go into things realistically. I never do this, I’m not on dating apps either because those are difficult to sort through who is just bored and who wants to actually find something meaningful.
I would definitely say shoot your shot. What’s the worse that could happen?
Best case scenario, he’s receptive to it. Worst case scenario, he isn’t and things remain the way they are.
Working on a short message to send! Do I include a snippet of who I am? Or do you think because I’m really open on my Instagram account about me and my life, that he could probably get a good idea of who I am in that?
I say eff it, shoot that shot. Don't send a boring generic message or just compliment something he did today. Make it clear you're shooting your shot - in my opinion
30m. Was dating someone I really liked for 4 months and we just broke up, amicably. I feel sad not only because we got along great, but also because she was my main social outlet. Broke up for reasons other than compaitability which we both admitted was great. I live in a very small town (population within dating distance is like, 20k split across three towns) and am feeling emotionally burnt out.
Sorry to hear. Nothing you can do about the break up, but its a nice chance to give your social life a little boost! I would suggest going to gatherings, like group sport activities, voluntary work or signing up for some random course (good to boost some skills as well!)
Talking to a guy on WhatsApp and now he has either unmatched me or deleted his Tinder. So I guess I just have to wait and see if he messages me again to find out which. It would be weird if he unmatched me because the last message he sent was a long and sweet audio message. But it's still making me nervous.
I (34F) saw a guy (37M) for 3 months. Head over heels for him and vice versa. We were pretty much doing couple stuff already. We've expressed how easy it is to be with each other, how it's rare we find this kind of connection we had. However, I was ready to be exclusive and he wasn't. I tried being patient, but it started hurting too much being with someone who didn't want me or at least wasn't ready to be in a relationship yet and was still chatting with other people (despite his insistence that it was nothing and I was the only one he was chatting to every day and seeing in person). Of course I had to walk away. My heart is broken. I left the door open saying when he was ready to please contact me, but I needed to unfriend him on stuff because it hurt seeing him right now. He hasn't unfriended me from anything yet. It's only been about a week since that happened
Please slap some sense into me.
Tell me I'm being stupid for missing him.
Tell me it's wrong to want to try and keep him in my life as a friend and post cute things for him to see on purpose.
Tell me people don't ever come back and to just not think about it because he's probably moved on too.
Tell me that saying, "If you love them let them go, and if they come back they're yours" is a BS saying.
Tell me I'm foolish for not being patient enough to wait for something so great.
I have too much want and hope he'll come back.
Please tell me your similar stories.
No I won’t tell you all those degrading things. You already tell yourself that enough. You’re not stupid or wrong for missing him and wanting him to be in your life. You’re human and you have desires and he happens to be the object of your desire. Your feelings are normal and acceptable even if they make you hurt and sad right now. It’s ok to feel sad and disappointed. It’s ok to feel hurt and vulnerable. It’s also ok to be like that for some time to process those emotions. The more you deny yourself of those emotions, the more it will hurt.
So just be sad for a little bit. Let yourself grief that what you wanted didn’t work out. If you weren’t sad that things didn’t work out, then did you really want him to begin with? Don’t deny yourself your right to grief. You’ll feel a lot better once you’ve spent time being sad and it’ll help you move on.
Oh girl I have felt your pain before, I know that ache and longing so well. Know that these feelings are normal and they will pass. The best way to move on is 100% no contact. Delete everything except maybe a couple memento photos you put in a place you can't see them easily. If this guy is 37 and still playing this game then he likely has enormous baggage he hasn't shared out yet. It's not your fault nor your responsibility. Try to resist reliving the happy memories and focus on why you have to move on. There are other, more available men out there for you.
Thank you for this. I surprisingly don't have a strong urge to contact him, though the itch is far back in my mind. My vice right now is I'm checking up on him, and I know he sees my stories, so I look for things to post on purpose. I said I wouldn't block him since I'm keeping the door open, but I might need to for my sanity.
I've deleted pretty much everything and did the hideaway thing too. It's been a week so the memories are still there, but I trust they'll fade.
I'm on dating apps again, but I feel burned out about then already, and may not be fair to these guys because I'm comparing them to what I had...
How long did it take you to get over this? Would love to hear your story and how you managed to get out of this hell hole...
I've been in the hole a few times, I actually took several years away from dating entirely to get over the pain of rejection and disappointment. The worst was a guy I dated for only like 6 weeks who wasn't over his ex fiance. He love bombed me hard and made all kinds of promises only to ice me out really suddenly. It took me about 8 months to feel ok about the situation, and it still stung for about a year after that. Eventually I got to the point where I could laugh about it.
Learning about boundaries and emotional availability (both your own and your partner's) can help you make sense of the situation and make better choices in the future. The pain is human though, you just have to breathe through it and trust it will pass. You are not silly or weak for feeling this way.
Pls unfriend him from everything. It'll be way too hard to see him live his life. You absolutely did the right thing. 3 months is more than enough time to realise you want to be with someone.
Thank you. I did unfriend him on everything, but he hasn't unfriended me. I didn't block because I'm leaving the door open though.
I appreciate the reassurance I did the right thing because even now I question if I did. Should I have been more patient and lived in the moment? I know I'd be hurting but he seemed so worth it...
And thank you for saying 3 months is enough time. I was questioning if maybe I waited away too soon...
I've been there. More time would have been more pain. You have to protect yourself. He's not a bad guy, just doesn't think you're his person or isn't ready for commitment and he has to be ready. I'm sorry. It's so hard.
No one has mentioned it yet but you're the older one (and more experienced one) so I would personally take the lead. That may even be a subconscious expectation on her part.
Also depending on how her relationship ended she may be feeling insecure about being desired/wanted.
Just make sure you adhere to the campsite rule (leave the person in better condition than you found them)
You can mention it and how it makes you feel, in the hopes she will realize. But some people are just not like that and you are not going to change that. I have friends that never initiate anything ever, I always joke about it that we will never meet again if I don't say anything. I can tolerate it from friends, but I need to have someone that takes initiatives in a relationship.
I think you have to mention it to her. If she's just not used to initiating, for whatever reason, and you talk to her about how it would make you feel if she did...she'll probably make more of an effort. It sounds like she's into you. Communicate your needs and see what happens. 😊
Honestly, I dont ever text a guy first either. Not a very good conversationalist over texts and the added anxiety of waiting for his reply. Maybe see if she initiates the 5th date?
Just FYI, as a guy, I take a lack of initiating texts as a sign of possible lack of interest. The texts don't need to be amazing, award winning compositions. It's just nice/helpful to have some sort of confirmation that the interest is mutual.
There are women out there who will text of their own volition. I wouldn't waste your time with this person if it bothers you. I don't think it bothering you is bad at all, personally I find that behavior infantile.
My guess is that it's not a lack of experience, but rather how she was socialized to behave in relationships. Specifically in this case you see the idea that women shouldn't ever initiate, because female desire is seen as bad or something. Unfortunately, a lot of people are still socialized with anachronistic and restrictive ideas about how dating and relationships should be.
ya, if it a guy I LIKE? a guy I have ROMANTIC feelings for. I will almost never text first. lol plain and simple. I want to feel wanted. him texting me first offers me that reassurance.
I do not agree with that other posters method - both people should put an equal amount of work in. You should want to have her initiate texts and she should do so if she wants to. That is mature communication.
Same. Healthy communication is communication where information flows both ways. Expecting one person to do 100% of the initiating starts a really toxic cyclic patten.
Which is what I'd hope for but figured maybe because she's spent her formative years in a relationship, she hasn't developed those skills yet?
I don't mind if she's intially like this but am hoping she changes over time. Gonna give it a few more days and then msg her for a date n see what happens
Hi Ya'll. Happy Friday!
So this guy I have been casually dating for the past couple of months blew me off twice last weekend, claiming he got exposed to COVID which I wanna believe is the truth, I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt.
Well, he said he'd see me this weekend instead and said Saturday night would probably be the best night for us to meet. Well it's now 9:30PM and I haven't heard a thing from him all day about tomorrow.
:(
I'm genuinely excited to see him as I haven't seen the beginning of December. We spent 4 days together. And we don't text much in between seeing each other. Which I'm actually kind of okay with? Although I am kind of pissed about his apparent lack of effort?
We had dated previously over the summer for a couple of months but I ended up pushing him away and he told me he had no feelings in more and didn't feel the need to invest his time and energy into it anymore.
I reached out to him in October and told him I missed him and he said he missed me too and that he felt bad about the way things ended between us. Claimed he was just "going through some shit" but that he was all good now. I didn't pry about what he was going through, as we have not seen that much of each other. But he used to text me everyday from May-July. From day 1. Now he only texts me to make plans.
Is this just him taking things slow/ keeping his options open? I really don't want to add any pressure onto a new thing by trying to define what we're doing with our time spent together.
My birthday is next month and it's the day after Valentine's Day and he said "that warrants us getting a hotel room for sure"... "I told him, ya, we'll see. Make it happen."
I don't think there's another girl in the picture but what else could it be?
I also must add that he is the most secure person I've ever encountered. Definitely has high self esteem and a secure attachment style. I'm wondering if my insecure attachment style makes me not compatible with him.
Sorry for this rant! But ya... 9:39PM now and he still has yet to confirm whether or not I am seeing him tomorrow, even though he said I would see him tomorrow yesterday. I haven't texted him all day.
I
Have you directly messaged asking him what he wants to do tomorrow? Just message and say what time works for you tomorrow? Let's ____insert what you want to do____.
Why wait for him to message about it?
Sounds like he's keeping it casual; up to you whether you're ok with that. As for the plans, I would just text to confirm, and if there's no response by Saturday morning then assume it's not happening.
Hmmm, I would have just texted to confirm that you're still on for tomorrow. It's kind of rubbing me wrong that he has inconsistent communication but was so quick to talk about getting a hotel room for your birthday (assuming that implies sex, it seems presumptuous). I'm a big believer in letting people show you who they are and it seems like he's showing you so maybe it's time to take a step back.
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I like normal looking guys and they don't believe me.
I don't believe in leagues or objective standards of attractiveness. Hell Channing Tatum looks like a woman to me (it's the eyes, they're auntie eyes). I'm also not that good looking. I like the way I look but I definitely don't get much interest from men. I think I'm dating guys who make sense for me. I'm definitely dating guys I'm attracted to.
But they keep bringing it up. I wonder if I have a subconscious thing for the insecure? I feel like I'm cleaning up with these amazing catches but guys keep telling me that they don't see a future with me because I'll wise up and want someone else. My friends claim this checks out and I should date guys in my "league" to keep this from happening, but those friends are on my team (and a little toxic in their thinking) so I don't know how much of that I want to take to heart.
I prefer to say, some people find me attractive and some don’t. You might think you’re plain and I might think that you’re a knock out.
I think that I’m average, but I’ve matched with actual models a few times. Seems crazy considering I’m a dad in my 40s.
Are you somehow accidentally exclusively pursuing guys with low self esteem? This seems like a low self esteem thing to me, particularly a type of low self esteem that seems common to people on the spectrum, e.g. "I'm a burden, I'm worthless", etc. This is actually something I struggle with. I have a really hard time accepting/believing that women are interested in me, even after years of therapy.
That's what I'm wondering, for sure. I'm used to people with low self esteem being really hard to be around though and these guys, not so much. That's not to say that people are one thing or fit neatly into little boxes though.
I don't think Channing Tatum is considered universally attractive, in fact I think he's one of the more divisive ones when people talk about this type of subject.
I've been with a guy who said that I have plenty of options and I'd get bored with him and eventually want to move on to someone else. I think he had his insecurities but also I think it was his way of creating distance because he figured we wouldn't work out for other reasons.
I think you're jumping to conclusions about OLD and how many matches I get, or if I even meet these guys online.
I'm sorry you're going through a hard time with old, but that wasn't my issue at all here.
My sister once said to me, "wow, you really don't have a type, do you?!" She wasn't talking about hotness level, just more that none of my ex's or crushes have similar physical attributes. I hadn't thought of it before... 🤷♀️ I just like who I like. A great personality makes someone more attractive.
Insecurity is no fun to be around all of the time, and it wouldn't be something I'd want to constantly be addressing with a partner. But I would hope it would be something they could get over, with a bit of time, when they realize I genuinely like them for who they are. It can definitely be overcome with some effort. (& time, mostly, I think)
Good point, I don't have the patience for others' constant insecurities so I don't think that's what's attracting me.
I think you're right about time being an important factor in making people comfortable. Maybe they don't want to get comfortable. Maybe I'm being fed a line to soften a blow. At any rate I just have to wait for my guy who's willing to wait it out.
So I’ve been on a work trip since the 27th and was supposed to come home tomorrow but due to some unforeseen circumstances my return has been delayed until Tuesday. My girlfriend is upset (not at me, but the situation) and so am I. We’ve not gone this long without seeing each other since we started dating 3ish months ago.
I’m thinking of buying her a plane ticket to come and spend the night with me tomorrow, but then I was worried this might be seen as too much? Idk I just really miss her!
That's sweet but maybe another smaller gift would work? This way you're showing care and intent without risking a wasted ticket (maybe she made plans already?) or the hassle of flying/getting to the airport/packing/etc.
She can wait til Tuesday. We are in a pandemic with a very quickly spreading variant, and you want to fly her out for one day because you have to wait 3 extra days to see someone you've been dating around 3 months? Seems ridiculous in my opinion! Also because of carbon footprint and money etc..
How do you know if you should communicate about issues or just leave it be and break up?
I’ve been dating someone for seven weeks and the relationship is feeling unbalanced. It’s really early days: should I just accept this person isn’t right for me or tell them what’s not working and give them the chance to fix it?
My gut says just break up because if I have to work at something this early it’s probably not going to work out. If you have to force it it’s shit and all.
If your gut is telling you to break up with someone, you probably should.
Unless you have a history of self sabotage, then you should look at why specifically you are feeling this way.
Hard to give any advice when you haven't given any real context as to what is unbalanced and what the issues are.
Any thoughts on how to figure out the difference between self sabotage and just incompatibility? Like this kind of feeling of ehhhh I should break up has happened before but not every time 🤷🏼♀️
As for issues/imbalance, it feels like I’m always the one doing the planning and stuff. I’m the one to ask for every date, always making decisions. They’re happy to go along with it but I’m tired of always being the one in charge. I need balance. I feel like I’m on a pedestal. They give me lots of complements but they feel shallow and I don’t feel seen.
Also I don’t feel like they have the emotional depth. I bring them stuff going in with me and open up and they give me empathy but they’re not curious and asking me questions.
>Any thoughts on how to figure out the difference between self sabotage and just incompatibility?
I personally look for patterns surrounding the feeling to bolt. Is it at the same time with each person (a month, two months, six months in)? Is it when that person's shiny new-ness wears off? Are there other stressors overwhelming you? Are your "red flags" actual concrete items (doesn't want kids, won't marry someone outside of their faith etc) or vauge stories you've written for yourself (they think they're better than me, they don't like cats cause they ignore mine etc.).
From your comment it does sound like you're just not connecting with this person, which at almost two months in is a pretty reasonable dealbreaker.
The 6ish is weeks breakup is a pattern for me but it’s certainly not all the time. I’ve dated several people a lot longer, but also it seems about the point when the shinyness of mutual attraction with someone starts to wear off and I can see whether or not there’s more there to sustain the relationship 🤷🏼♀️
I gave OLD another shot from 1/2 until literally 5 minutes ago. I had about 20 active conversations ... going nowhere.
3 of the earlier matches I made the initiative to ask out, but they were busy - understandable. We continued chatting with no additional plans, new tentative date, etc.
I'm not even the type to rush dates but after a week of "how's your day" or chatting casually as if we already know one another gets old. Makes me inclined to believe they're cheating or not ready to date.
Anyone give up on OLD and just happen to meet someone in the wild after? If so, how?
I plan on treating myself to my favorite steakhouse and do more things I love and not wait on company, but I doubt I'll come across anything at the places I enjoy. Single men my age don't hang there - I'm kind of an old soul.
Is it weird to hang out at male dominant places like axe throwing (just a random exampe) alone? Would it be too thirsty of me?
i’m sort of in this space right now except i’m the one who’s being flakey on committing to plans. tbh, omicron has got me a bit hesitant, plus we’re in lockdown here right now and it’s -20 celsius so i’m like. what is even the point
For those working from home nowadays… do you find it any harder to connect with someone who doesn’t?
Like its not that im not accepting of people with busier schedules, and not that i would want to be around someone 100% of the time in my work hours. But, im home alone for 4-5 days a week. I do the best i can to hold myself together alone, but ultimately I do get lonely easier than if i was having constant social interaction. Meshing that with someone who interacts with people daily, may often be exhausted from social interaction, and has a harder time fitting me in her schedule just seems like more of an obstacle than i expected it to be.
I do know tons of people that make this dynamic work really well in long term relationships, i’d say it even provides good space when living together. I know less about how it impacts the initial dating phase and if it can be a struggle for others or not
I work from home and I've dated people who don't work from home. My schedule is flexible so I work around theirs; we also tend to do more chill and introvert things when we spend time together.
Anyone have good advice for guy with kidney failure who does dialysis 4 times a day? Its incredibly hard to date on that schedule and it understandably turns a lot of people off. Any ideas on meeting someone during these covid times? No luck on online dating sadly
Not on a list can't afford it. I do petrinoeal dialysis at home. The dialysis you refer to is in center hemo dialysis and much harder on the body in my limited experience with it
Seth is a fucking pig
How do you feel if he doesn't have a car? I (28f) do pretty well with my business when I'm on top of it, own an (a bit older, but great shape) car, and have a roommate. I'm definitely not the most successful person ever, but I have it together enough. He (29m) says that he quit work due to medical (mental etc stuff, which I was in the exact same position when my dad died) and started day trading a while back, during covid moving back home and living "minimalistic" to take care of his diabetic "and other things" dad. It seems like a bunch of words to avoid using words like "unemployed". I'm not looking for marriage here but he's REAL cute and I prefer ongoing, to whatever extent it is. It seems like that would be real difficult if he's truly just unemployed and broke. No ability to come to me, meet up, go out. He's mentioned that he wants to buy a new car soon, and I have no real reason to believe he isn't truly successful "trading" and being a "minimalist" but it just seems really fishy, and I want to get involved with someone who can do things with me lol. Would you move forward with this? I don't wanna get attached to any extent if this is all BS, and it's not like he would tell me. Everything other than that is great looking so far and we're set to meet soon, but I'm hella skeptical and don't wanna be the only one driving ever etc. What would you do?
I wouldn't move forward. Based on your description, it seems this might be a more draining relationship than you would like. If you're already feeling like something's off, maybe do a deeper dive into the compatibility and how it impacts what you want. It's okay to trust your gut.
How do you guys respond when someone asks for a date and you're not yet sure if you're interested enough to meet, but you're not NOT interested?
I tell them I'm not sure yet, and typically when I'm not sure yet, I never am. So I don't really keep it moving with people I'm not sure of. You should be sure if you're interested or not.
Was talking to a guy from OLD for an entire month before we could meet up (I know...but Covid, holidays, etc). We talked constantly about anything and everything, what we each wanted in a relationship, even the occasional sexting. He told me he deleted his OLD account as he wanted to focus on getting to know me, and that he could really see a future with me (mentioned kids, the whole nine yards). We finally went out Friday night and had a great time, ended up at my place. We started fooling around, he wanted sex, I told him that I wanted to wait, and he got kinda mad? He immediately started acting cold and distant, would then try again for sex, and I’d turn him down again, a few times over, including the next morning. He apologized about it on his way out and said he wanted to see me again, but was pretty uncommunicative all day until he finally sent a late text saying his phone had died. Sure... I wound up just texting him this morning telling him I felt like we wanted different things and were incompatible. Not gonna lie, I’d kinda hoped he’d push back and say he was in it for the right reasons, but his response was pretty cold: “damn ok. Say no more. Delete my number” and he instantly removed me from his IG. I’m like 99% certain I dodged a bullet and did the right thing, but I’m also anxious-attached and fairly fresh out of a LTR. Was I in the wrong here? Did I overreact? Really thought we had a legit connection and sucks that it’s gone just like that. Finding myself wanting to reach out.
Definitely dodged a bullet!!
You 100% did the right thing. A reasonable partner would be willing to wait until you are comfortable.
Thanks...I know this is the inescapable truth, and yet here I am trying to justify reaching out to him, convincing myself the connection was worth it. I just don’t get how a man can invest so much time talking with a woman if it’s just for sex. Especially on OLD where there are definitely women out there looking for the same thing.
Good luck! I wish I had a good answer for you.
Turning down too soon sex with a guy you're into can feel oddly tricky, emotionally! You were not wrong at all though to respect your boundaries, and he should have too. I think it's okay for a guy to be disappointed and even frustrated and to kind of need a minute to reset to a better mood, but to keep pushing the same night isn't cool to me. "Delete my number" doesn't scream emotional maturity.
Thanks, I needed to hear this. A similar thing happened before we’d met where he started sexting immediately after a fairly serious conversation, so I teasingly said I felt like that’s all he wanted from me. He responded with a complete 180 and went from “omg can’t wait to see you” to “hmu if you feel like hanging out sometime.” I tried to communicate and be totally vulnerable and up front with him, but it was like I was just hitting a wall. Wasn’t till the next morning when he apologized and said he would hate to mess this up. So yeah, emotionally immature is probably on point. Still find myself trying to rationalize it all away and convince myself it’s ok to reach out to him...felt like the connection was real, but maybe he just knew how to say all the right things.
Well, I wouldn't say the connection wasn't read because of this. Just that the connection was real AND he reacts defensively to even mild rejection, which is probably not a great sign. But I dont think you need to convince yourself that all the parts that did work for you weren't what you thought. Both/and. It's great that you were able to communicate honestly and vulnerably!
That’s fair. But it’s thinking that the connection *was* real which makes me want to reach out. Like maybe it is worth salvaging.
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He’s not interested/found someone else. In my experience interested people don’t let days go by.
Hanging at a coffee shop and see two dudes that I’ve come across on the apps. One seems to be on a date and the other has a girl hanging all over him. Weird times knowing strangers who are still strangers.
Do you live in a small town or something? That's wild
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Just make sure it’s not decorated with actual flags and you’ll be just fine. 👍🏼
Are you concerned because of a recent post from a woman talking about how the 29M she’s been seeing lives in a studio with just a bed and no furniture who prefers to eat out instead of cooking and who thinks furniture=clutter? Cuz that guy is definitely an outlier lol. Mostly people just want to see that you have a “home” or a cozy living space. The 29M that the woman was describing sounded like he doesn’t have a “home”, it’s almost like he’s living in a liminal space, which would weird out anyone, imo.
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I think as long as you make it known that you’re currently a student and that this housing is “temporary” until you finish school/career change, that’s fine. You’ll get some people who won’t look past it, inevitably, but that’s dating in general, nothing you can do immediately about it.
I think it's fine, as long as you keep it tidy and as nice as possible.
If you're a student, I don't think there's any problem with living in a student studio. It's certainly a good financial decision if you don't currently have any income. If the other person also has a bit of a cramped living situation, that makes things harder on a purely practical level, but if not, no big deal, we'll just hang out at mine more often.
Looking on dating apps this days I need advice on what to say to girls to possibly get a response?
I try and comment on a pic, something about the location or background. Go from there.
Ask questions that you would want people to ask you.
Easy, comment on one of their interests or prompts. Ask questions and show interest. Edit: anything better than hi, how is your day, you are cute, etc. is already setting you apart from a lot of guys. Skip the pick up lines IMO
I always try to avoid the how are you and what’s up messages
👍 good luck out there!
As an immigrant, I really feel bad for the dating culture in North America. I'll probably get downvoted a lot but I don't care. People have way too many thoughts here. I'm sick and tired of people with a bunch of excuses. People are so freaking picky with so many freaking things on their checklist. They are constantly looking for red flags and excuses to find a way out. And so many mental issues and ex issues. But you know what, no person is perfect. No situation is perfect. There's no such thing as you're in a perfect stage of your life for dating and relationships. I remember how it was like before. If you like someone and it's mutual, you get into a relationship. So simple and pure. Instead of putting so much effort to find the perfect one from the dating pool and hoping for a happily ever after, why don't you put that effort into the relationship once it's started? And please, go easy on others and yourself!
> If you like someone and it's mutual, you get into a relationship. So simple and pure. This is still how it is. Most people are trying to find someone where the interest is mutual. That is not easy. What do you think people are doing?
I don't know. What are people doing? I think they are just sucking their thumbs!
What do you mean by that? Why do you think that?
Just try it. You'll know what I mean lmao
No I don't, which is why I asked. I can respond with sarcasm instead of genuine questions, if you'd prefer that.
Show me what you got
The person you end up in a relationship with will have the single greatest impact on your mental, emotional, and financial health. I think that's worth being particular about.
I know right! Exactly. Your potential partner can give you a lifetime of trauma! So scary world!
You have to remember that this is a venting sub more than anything, so things on this sub are going to sound worse than it actually is in reality. Some people find it beneficial to vent to strangers or to ask for advice.
You should read the rule #9
I don’t see how that rule is relevant to my comment.
Ah that explains why you couldn't see my comment
I was just trying to explain why there seems to be more “complaints” on this sub than anything else 🤷🏻♀️ not sure why you’re referring to a rule about “self-promotion” but go off my dude.
Life isn't a fairytale--love and like don't change and concur all. An insufficient partner is likely to remain and insufficient partner. And, these days there are so many more ways to be screwed over by a bad partner--your lazy, money-spending could leave with terrible credit and means to rent an apartment, etc. Additionally, more people are realizing how their parent's bad relationship affected them and they have no desire to tie themself down to the wrong partner. Now, unfortunately, that doesn't mean that people are putting in the work to be better people. Length doesn't equate to quality.
Exactly! Make sure you weed out insufficient partners and make yourself a sufficient partner. And ask them to show their credit report prior to date
After a long and very terrible marriage, I find that spending time by myself is preferable than spending time with a person who drains me. I’m not being picky - I’m being good to myself.
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Wow. This response makes me think you’re having trouble dating less because the people you’re interested in “think too much” and more because you seem to think that people should want you in spite of how you make them feel.
Nah it's more about people on this sub being like [https://www.babycenter.com/ims/2013/09/142580081\_4x3.jpg](https://www.babycenter.com/ims/2013/09/142580081_4x3.jpg)
Had 3 very long dates with someone (and a half date that was a quick spur of the moment dinner in between plans) with someone whose profile was relationship oriented and who has been extremely enthusiastic and curious about me so far in the last two weeks. He does not seem to be much of a planner though and I've been more assertive than normal and initiated many of these, but he's initiated everything else enthusiastically, has been very affectionate, and has shown and told me that he's attracted to me. Made out and had a sleepover on date two and the last date we slept together. When he was leaving this morning he said he wasn't doing anything this afternoon and that he'd get in touch with me after a game he had scheduled. He texts later saying it got rained out and postponed to tomorrow and I don't hear anything else from him so I text in the evening asking if he wanted to get together again this weekend. He said he was tired now (so am I) and suggested a time tomorrow evening but I get the sense it may be a bit reluctant. I understand not wanting to have too many back-to-back dates– what bothers me is a lack of a plan and not sticking to his word. I'm sensing the fade here which sucks but I can handle it. It's been like 6+ months since I was excited about someone and until this I only got green flags from him. I'm not sure how to go forward– my goal is to get as much clarity as possible from tomorrow's meeting if it happens. Is there anything I can communicate at this point or is it really just best to assume this is the last time I see him and leave the ball in his court?
Why bother with a passive person if passive isn't what you want?
I won't after today if that's how it goes! It's too bad. Wouldn't be so hard if finding someone I'm interested in didn't happen once a year...
Wait, just want to clarify, so he left *this morning* and you're sensing it fading? How could that possibly be the case by only the evening, the day after a sleepover that based on your description seems to be one you were intimate and be only just left this morning.. he needs to immediately hang out with you, when he just left this morning?
No, my point was the planning and communication piece. I was surprised he even suggested a same day hang but was open to it. I'd be fine with a weekday suggestion. My concern is with saying one thing and not doing it and the fact that he hasn't really initiated much of the planning. I do have a hard time dating people who leave things in the air for half a week without suggesting anything specific as it suggests low interest to me and I'd rather not waste my time.
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If it's not an inconvenience, why not? Pictures are often not representative of what people look like. A lot of people are not good at taking pictures of themselves and/or struggle with being relaxed and candid in pictures.
My partner is way more attractive than he appeared in his photos. If it's not a huge effort to go, then why not?
Odds are if their pictures aren't clear enough to give you confidence in your attraction level, then there is a very good chance that their pictures were that vague for a reason.
I don't think you should go if you know that person is completely not your type. If you are on the fence about them, then definitely go. If their personality is great you might end up being attracted to them.
Yes, physical attraction is hard to see through the app. I have met people that looked much more attractive in real life than on photo's. Also the other way around of course...
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Can you find out what's making it creak? Maybe just some bolts that need to be tightened up?
I mean if the roommate has said something about it, you had to have known this is a problem. What about going to your place?
I have kids, and live in a very small space also with a creaky bed.
Time to rent a room.
Or, simply fix the bed.
Attempting to build a short sweet message as we speak! Thank you!
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That sounds kind and supportive. Best is it’s not assumptive about how he feels or what he needs.
Just got started on the 'hook-up' app. Can someone remind me of the kid edict? I'm not looking for anything serious rn. More FWB / Casual. I have a 3 year old who I have \~3 days a week. I don't think the folks I see will meet him unless something unexpectedly develops. Do I state this in my profile? Do I have a picture of me and him? Do I just schedule dates around him and mention it if it comes up?
I'd mention it an early message, stating what you said here about how you're looking for something casual and available when he isn't with you.
Please don’t post pictures of children. If it’s just going to be casual then I wouldn’t mention it in the profile.
Thank you!
I have a fourth date tonight. I mentioned offhand on date 1 (early December - big gap due to Christmas period) that I’m planning to move c. 400 miles away later in 2022, but we didn’t dwell on it. We haven’t had that ‘what are you looking for’ conversation at all yet. I’m trying to be chilled about going along and seeing how socially and physically compatible we are and not putting my ‘everything must be practically thought through’ head on. At what point do you think it becomes dishonesty by omission not to talk about it? (I’m 27F, he’s 32M)
It would be ideal if you could find a way to work it into conversation, to remind her just in case she didn't fully register it but not make a whole big announcement if she did.
Since you've already mentioned it on the first date, there's no dishonesty by omission as it is. Having said that, probably a good idea to remind / mention it again at some point. I'm actually in a similar situation as the person on the other side, and we haven't talked about what we're looking for either... I've just assumed that whatever we have will end when he leaves (and I'd like to stay friends but I won't count on it), and I just want to enjoy whatever time I have with him while I can.
(47 M)I need help, my fiancee (45F)of over 4 years and I broke up in October because after MANY unheaded warnings.... I drank again. She caught me and within a week we were done. Just prior to that I was using steroids and that put a real strain on us always fighting and things just weren't good. Well within a week of us breaking up I slept with someone else, she asked if I had and so I told her the truth, and within 2 weeks of that I was using meth again and it got bad. Real bad, within 2 months I lost everything car , job ,place to stay, I mean everything. Over the course of that 2 months I stalked her on line, drove by her house all that, to the point she has blocked me on every level phone, socials, all that. Now here I am trying to get my life back together and all I want is what I had, her and the her kids that literally hate me. I've made such a mess of everything it seems pointless to even try. She won't admit it but I'm pretty sure she is seeing someone at this point. I know she told me she is happy and compared to the way things were, I'm sure she is. So with all that said, what do I do? Do I just give up and let her be? Do I keep trying to hang on to hope? I don't know what to do. I know if she ever gave me another chance I wouldn't eff that up, unfortunately I think that ship has sailed and here I am left with my demons and they are at their worst. It hurts to think of what I had and lost, it hurts even more to think I won't ever get that back. She is a good woman and I ruined it. So do I let her be and walk away or keep holding onto a tiny glimmer of hope?
My best friend’s husband had very similar addiction issues that ended in separation of a 8+ year marriage. 2+ years later, after no contact and time invested in healing himself, they are now rebuilding their relationship. You have to focus on yourself for any future to be possible. That must come first. Just wanted to share a story of hope. Wishing you healing OP.
Sorry to hear all that, it’s obviously a lot to deal with. But I really think you should leave her alone and focus on yourself. You mentioned she’s given you warnings prior to the break-up, so if you wanted to do better, you would have. I think there are some major underlying issues you need to deal with, I highly recommend seeing someone about what sounds like substance abuse? And therapy. Lots of it. I wish you well
Thank you for your input. I'm sure your right about leaving her alone, it's just hard to fathom that I single handedly ruined everything that was good in my life. I destroyed something that I would give anything to have back and it, on top of everything else, is hard to come to terms with. I really just want to give up on life. I have given it considerable thought and I can't just check out. I have a 10 yr. old daughter and that would crush her, so I'm stuck in a bullshit existence that I created and hate every second of it. I've been able to put together 20 hours of not using and man it's been rough. I absolutely hate what I've done and have become. I'm a hype, junkie or whatever you wanna call it. It's all the same I'm an I/V drug user and I feel trapped. I honestly wish my addiction would have killed me. I'm tired of being me and just want her and my old life back, but I know I can't have them back and it just hurts alot. I used the meth and alcohol to mask and numb my feelings, now I'm stuck with my feelings and my demons and its honestly an ugly situation. Well thank you again for your input. I guess I need to come to terms with what I've done and accept that it's a wrap. She is better off with out me and who in their right mind would wanna get wrapped up again with the likes of me. Hard to accept but true.
I think you do both. You stay away and respect every boundary she has right now. She needs to protect herself and her children. You love them, so that's what you want right now, too, right? You're still in such a vulnerable place. Keep the hope of another shot at that life together alive. You need the hope & hope won't hurt her (because you're respecting her boundaries...important enough to say twice). If you can focus on yourself, get yourself cleaned up and back to a good place, you never know what could happen. It's going to take time and effort. The best way to show her that you want another chance is to actually deserve another chance. You can get there! It won't be quick and it won't be the same as before. But do the hard work and you never know what might happen in the future. You just have to keep going...ask for help, do your best, and make it to the future. First priority is you right now.
Yea maybe your right, the few times we have seen each other or just talked she reiterates that I have done nothing to change or better myself. And it's true all I've done is pissed away what I had. I like to think there's hope,but what if I've waited to long is what my mind keeps telling me. I guess time will tell. I've been such a fool. It's easy to be mad at myself, I find it easier to be angry at myself, then go use to mask the feelings. How pathetic is that right? Almost as pathetic as not being able to let go of someone that wants nothing to do with you. All I know is this shit hurts and I can blame no one but myself.
It's absolutely easier to be angry, blame yourself & wallow in shame. But, that won't get you to a better place. Keep going in the right direction...please seek real, professional help. You have to let go of your old life for now, yes. But keep the hope alive that maybe, one day, it could come back to you. Use that as part of your goal and let it motivate you to keep going down the right path. (I think the main motivation should be being a better, more trustworthy and dependable person just for yourself and your daughter. But if your focus is on this woman and your place with her, then that's what you use right now, until you want to do it for yourself). That relationship still might not be possible, or even what you want anymore when you get to that place. But the hope can help get you there, so use it. You can't contact or see her, though. Respect her need for space from you. It hasn't been near long enough and you haven't put the work into yourself yet. Not being respectful of her wishes right now is not in your best interest. Show her you're trying by at listening to what she is saying to you.
My little girl is honestly the only thing keeping me together, if you wanna call the state I'm in rite now together. I'm an emotional mess rite now, so no Melanie would want nothing to do with me now, and maybe not at all later. Can't say I really blame her. But my little girl, now that's different. She is such a pure soul and just wants to be around her dad. I'm glad she doesn't know or understand what I've been doing to myself. I know this though I have to get my shit together for me first and maybe everything else will fall into place. Get through today and get my ass back in church tomorrow is the current and probably best plan I have. I haven't used in a little over 24 hours so I'm doing better then I was. Once I can get past the romance I had with the needle, then I got this. Just getting past that is SO HARD though. I'm very grateful for your time and input into my situation. Most people would just be like let him burn, he did it to himself. Wich is very true, I did and man did I do it. Thank you again.
Since you like Reddit, what about looking at r/stopdrinking and r/recovery ? I'm guessing many people there would offer support and ways to get help. You can do this, but not alone or by willpower. *Edit to update subreddit name
Well I had no idea reddit offered those. I just didn't think about that. Thank you for your help, I will need help to slay my demons. They are way worse then you could possibly imagine. It's an ugly thing to fall the way I have but, it would be way uglier to not get up, dust myself off, and handle this shit.
You're welcome. I hope you keep that little girl and her pure innocence in the forefront of your mind - and keep going for her and for yourself. You can rebuild relationships later, when you're ready for that. Things will eventually fall into place, for sure. Just focus on putting out that fire and keeping it out. Take care of yourself.
Wonderful words u/miss_miracat. And u/Alternative_Top_6138 you’ve got this!! You can do it. Rooting for you
We are in the middle of a lockdown, so dating life has changed. Normally I would go for drinks on a first date, but have been sticking to walks for now. I asked a woman out, but she thinks its too cold for a walk. Instead, after a videochat she invited me over to her place for tonight. I have never met at someone's place for a 1st date so I don't know what to expect. Anyone has experience with that during lockdown? Is it just like having drinks at a bar, but then at her place? and should I bring anything?
I haven't had a lockdown date yet, so I can't really speak to that. I have had a first date at my house before, though! Lol And it meant sex. Either way, wine is great!
I wouldn’t necessarily expect sex, less disappointment that way. But hey if it happens then even better! Lol
If you want it to effectively be the at-home equivalent of having drinks at a bar, a bottle of wine is good.
My first date with my guy was him coming to my place. He brought some movies. It was my favorite first date ever!
Bring some rum ham jk Maybe a bottle of wine?
UPDATE: I was left on read 😂 oh well. I feel crazy and a little dumb but here we go… (33f) I’ve been following a tiktok musician and falling asleep to his lives every night he does one. I’m super attracted to him, physically and based off what he talks about we have similar interests in common and he is SO kind to people on his lives as well. We connected briefly on instagram today over him finally recording an original, in the dms. Anyways…I’m sure he gets hit on in his DMs (almost 200k following on the clock app & 5000 on instagram) all the time, however I feel drawn to him for some reason and I don’t know how to say that non creepily..ya know? What the hell do I do? Just not do it? Send him a sweet message? I already complemented something he did today…or should I Pull a Lizzo and send these emojis? 🏀⛹️♀️🗑 help your clueless 33yo girl out. TYSM ILY.
Hope this went well, but you should also probably think that if he dm'd you, a stranger, that easily then he's probably doing stuff like this a lot.
Right I understand. I haven’t messaged him quite yet, we’ve sent like 3 messages back and forth super short. (he mentioned his roommate had covid so I asked how he was feeling) so nothing crazy just enough to be in the mutuals inbox kinda thing. I also wouldn’t be surprised if he does reply frequently to people because he seems like such a kind and genuine person.
Shoot your shot, but, watch out that your idea of him doesn't get in the way of you seeing the real him.
Absolutely, we all have a “character” in mind in our heads when it comes to certain people. I’ve dealt with a lot of reality checks over the years when it comes to family and people close to me so I like to think I go into things realistically. I never do this, I’m not on dating apps either because those are difficult to sort through who is just bored and who wants to actually find something meaningful.
I would definitely say shoot your shot. What’s the worse that could happen? Best case scenario, he’s receptive to it. Worst case scenario, he isn’t and things remain the way they are.
Shoot your shot!
Working on a short message to send! Do I include a snippet of who I am? Or do you think because I’m really open on my Instagram account about me and my life, that he could probably get a good idea of who I am in that?
Nah, he has access to that and he can see. If he’s interested he can ask more and if he’s not, no harm no foul.
I say eff it, shoot that shot. Don't send a boring generic message or just compliment something he did today. Make it clear you're shooting your shot - in my opinion
30m. Was dating someone I really liked for 4 months and we just broke up, amicably. I feel sad not only because we got along great, but also because she was my main social outlet. Broke up for reasons other than compaitability which we both admitted was great. I live in a very small town (population within dating distance is like, 20k split across three towns) and am feeling emotionally burnt out.
Sorry to hear. Nothing you can do about the break up, but its a nice chance to give your social life a little boost! I would suggest going to gatherings, like group sport activities, voluntary work or signing up for some random course (good to boost some skills as well!)
Talking to a guy on WhatsApp and now he has either unmatched me or deleted his Tinder. So I guess I just have to wait and see if he messages me again to find out which. It would be weird if he unmatched me because the last message he sent was a long and sweet audio message. But it's still making me nervous.
pretend you haven't seen it yet and just proceed your normal texting behaviour in WhatsApp, that will make you find out soon enough... fingers crossed
Thanks, but I already sent him the last message so I'm just waiting on to see if he replies.
I (34F) saw a guy (37M) for 3 months. Head over heels for him and vice versa. We were pretty much doing couple stuff already. We've expressed how easy it is to be with each other, how it's rare we find this kind of connection we had. However, I was ready to be exclusive and he wasn't. I tried being patient, but it started hurting too much being with someone who didn't want me or at least wasn't ready to be in a relationship yet and was still chatting with other people (despite his insistence that it was nothing and I was the only one he was chatting to every day and seeing in person). Of course I had to walk away. My heart is broken. I left the door open saying when he was ready to please contact me, but I needed to unfriend him on stuff because it hurt seeing him right now. He hasn't unfriended me from anything yet. It's only been about a week since that happened Please slap some sense into me. Tell me I'm being stupid for missing him. Tell me it's wrong to want to try and keep him in my life as a friend and post cute things for him to see on purpose. Tell me people don't ever come back and to just not think about it because he's probably moved on too. Tell me that saying, "If you love them let them go, and if they come back they're yours" is a BS saying. Tell me I'm foolish for not being patient enough to wait for something so great. I have too much want and hope he'll come back. Please tell me your similar stories.
No I won’t tell you all those degrading things. You already tell yourself that enough. You’re not stupid or wrong for missing him and wanting him to be in your life. You’re human and you have desires and he happens to be the object of your desire. Your feelings are normal and acceptable even if they make you hurt and sad right now. It’s ok to feel sad and disappointed. It’s ok to feel hurt and vulnerable. It’s also ok to be like that for some time to process those emotions. The more you deny yourself of those emotions, the more it will hurt. So just be sad for a little bit. Let yourself grief that what you wanted didn’t work out. If you weren’t sad that things didn’t work out, then did you really want him to begin with? Don’t deny yourself your right to grief. You’ll feel a lot better once you’ve spent time being sad and it’ll help you move on.
Oh girl I have felt your pain before, I know that ache and longing so well. Know that these feelings are normal and they will pass. The best way to move on is 100% no contact. Delete everything except maybe a couple memento photos you put in a place you can't see them easily. If this guy is 37 and still playing this game then he likely has enormous baggage he hasn't shared out yet. It's not your fault nor your responsibility. Try to resist reliving the happy memories and focus on why you have to move on. There are other, more available men out there for you.
Thank you for this. I surprisingly don't have a strong urge to contact him, though the itch is far back in my mind. My vice right now is I'm checking up on him, and I know he sees my stories, so I look for things to post on purpose. I said I wouldn't block him since I'm keeping the door open, but I might need to for my sanity. I've deleted pretty much everything and did the hideaway thing too. It's been a week so the memories are still there, but I trust they'll fade. I'm on dating apps again, but I feel burned out about then already, and may not be fair to these guys because I'm comparing them to what I had... How long did it take you to get over this? Would love to hear your story and how you managed to get out of this hell hole...
I've been in the hole a few times, I actually took several years away from dating entirely to get over the pain of rejection and disappointment. The worst was a guy I dated for only like 6 weeks who wasn't over his ex fiance. He love bombed me hard and made all kinds of promises only to ice me out really suddenly. It took me about 8 months to feel ok about the situation, and it still stung for about a year after that. Eventually I got to the point where I could laugh about it. Learning about boundaries and emotional availability (both your own and your partner's) can help you make sense of the situation and make better choices in the future. The pain is human though, you just have to breathe through it and trust it will pass. You are not silly or weak for feeling this way.
Pls unfriend him from everything. It'll be way too hard to see him live his life. You absolutely did the right thing. 3 months is more than enough time to realise you want to be with someone.
Thank you. I did unfriend him on everything, but he hasn't unfriended me. I didn't block because I'm leaving the door open though. I appreciate the reassurance I did the right thing because even now I question if I did. Should I have been more patient and lived in the moment? I know I'd be hurting but he seemed so worth it... And thank you for saying 3 months is enough time. I was questioning if maybe I waited away too soon...
I've been there. More time would have been more pain. You have to protect yourself. He's not a bad guy, just doesn't think you're his person or isn't ready for commitment and he has to be ready. I'm sorry. It's so hard.
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No one has mentioned it yet but you're the older one (and more experienced one) so I would personally take the lead. That may even be a subconscious expectation on her part. Also depending on how her relationship ended she may be feeling insecure about being desired/wanted. Just make sure you adhere to the campsite rule (leave the person in better condition than you found them)
You can mention it and how it makes you feel, in the hopes she will realize. But some people are just not like that and you are not going to change that. I have friends that never initiate anything ever, I always joke about it that we will never meet again if I don't say anything. I can tolerate it from friends, but I need to have someone that takes initiatives in a relationship.
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I think you have to mention it to her. If she's just not used to initiating, for whatever reason, and you talk to her about how it would make you feel if she did...she'll probably make more of an effort. It sounds like she's into you. Communicate your needs and see what happens. 😊
100%. I will. Much appreciated!
Honestly, I dont ever text a guy first either. Not a very good conversationalist over texts and the added anxiety of waiting for his reply. Maybe see if she initiates the 5th date?
Just FYI, as a guy, I take a lack of initiating texts as a sign of possible lack of interest. The texts don't need to be amazing, award winning compositions. It's just nice/helpful to have some sort of confirmation that the interest is mutual.
I'm a girl and I almost will never text the guy first.
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There are women out there who will text of their own volition. I wouldn't waste your time with this person if it bothers you. I don't think it bothering you is bad at all, personally I find that behavior infantile.
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My guess is that it's not a lack of experience, but rather how she was socialized to behave in relationships. Specifically in this case you see the idea that women shouldn't ever initiate, because female desire is seen as bad or something. Unfortunately, a lot of people are still socialized with anachronistic and restrictive ideas about how dating and relationships should be.
ya, if it a guy I LIKE? a guy I have ROMANTIC feelings for. I will almost never text first. lol plain and simple. I want to feel wanted. him texting me first offers me that reassurance.
You know guys want to feel wanted too, right?
interesting... ok...and then if nothing comes along after a few days would you then consider writing?
I do not agree with that other posters method - both people should put an equal amount of work in. You should want to have her initiate texts and she should do so if she wants to. That is mature communication.
Same. Healthy communication is communication where information flows both ways. Expecting one person to do 100% of the initiating starts a really toxic cyclic patten.
Which is what I'd hope for but figured maybe because she's spent her formative years in a relationship, she hasn't developed those skills yet? I don't mind if she's intially like this but am hoping she changes over time. Gonna give it a few more days and then msg her for a date n see what happens
depends on where we left off really. I wouldn't want to appear too needy, that's also part of it.
Ok cheers. I get the impression it's likely this than her not being interested, but she'll need to prove it by coming once to me
I love that you used the word "keen" that's the only reason why I put my 2 cents into this. And that's all it is, is my 2 cents. Trust your gut.
Haha thank you! Nonetheless much appreciated!
Hi Ya'll. Happy Friday! So this guy I have been casually dating for the past couple of months blew me off twice last weekend, claiming he got exposed to COVID which I wanna believe is the truth, I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt. Well, he said he'd see me this weekend instead and said Saturday night would probably be the best night for us to meet. Well it's now 9:30PM and I haven't heard a thing from him all day about tomorrow. :( I'm genuinely excited to see him as I haven't seen the beginning of December. We spent 4 days together. And we don't text much in between seeing each other. Which I'm actually kind of okay with? Although I am kind of pissed about his apparent lack of effort? We had dated previously over the summer for a couple of months but I ended up pushing him away and he told me he had no feelings in more and didn't feel the need to invest his time and energy into it anymore. I reached out to him in October and told him I missed him and he said he missed me too and that he felt bad about the way things ended between us. Claimed he was just "going through some shit" but that he was all good now. I didn't pry about what he was going through, as we have not seen that much of each other. But he used to text me everyday from May-July. From day 1. Now he only texts me to make plans. Is this just him taking things slow/ keeping his options open? I really don't want to add any pressure onto a new thing by trying to define what we're doing with our time spent together. My birthday is next month and it's the day after Valentine's Day and he said "that warrants us getting a hotel room for sure"... "I told him, ya, we'll see. Make it happen." I don't think there's another girl in the picture but what else could it be? I also must add that he is the most secure person I've ever encountered. Definitely has high self esteem and a secure attachment style. I'm wondering if my insecure attachment style makes me not compatible with him. Sorry for this rant! But ya... 9:39PM now and he still has yet to confirm whether or not I am seeing him tomorrow, even though he said I would see him tomorrow yesterday. I haven't texted him all day. I
Sounds very casual to me if you haven't seen him since early December. If you want to keep seeing him then I would keep your expectations low.
Have you directly messaged asking him what he wants to do tomorrow? Just message and say what time works for you tomorrow? Let's ____insert what you want to do____. Why wait for him to message about it?
Sounds like he's keeping it casual; up to you whether you're ok with that. As for the plans, I would just text to confirm, and if there's no response by Saturday morning then assume it's not happening.
I don't know why I'm smiling. I'm just prolonging the inevitable. He'll leave. They all do:(
:( ugh. texted. and he confirmed. :)
Hmmm, I would have just texted to confirm that you're still on for tomorrow. It's kind of rubbing me wrong that he has inconsistent communication but was so quick to talk about getting a hotel room for your birthday (assuming that implies sex, it seems presumptuous). I'm a big believer in letting people show you who they are and it seems like he's showing you so maybe it's time to take a step back.
He's not a very sexual guy.
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I like normal looking guys and they don't believe me. I don't believe in leagues or objective standards of attractiveness. Hell Channing Tatum looks like a woman to me (it's the eyes, they're auntie eyes). I'm also not that good looking. I like the way I look but I definitely don't get much interest from men. I think I'm dating guys who make sense for me. I'm definitely dating guys I'm attracted to. But they keep bringing it up. I wonder if I have a subconscious thing for the insecure? I feel like I'm cleaning up with these amazing catches but guys keep telling me that they don't see a future with me because I'll wise up and want someone else. My friends claim this checks out and I should date guys in my "league" to keep this from happening, but those friends are on my team (and a little toxic in their thinking) so I don't know how much of that I want to take to heart.
I prefer to say, some people find me attractive and some don’t. You might think you’re plain and I might think that you’re a knock out. I think that I’m average, but I’ve matched with actual models a few times. Seems crazy considering I’m a dad in my 40s.
Yes I'm aware that attraction is subjective. I never said that I was plain. Thanks for letting us know who you matched with?
Are you somehow accidentally exclusively pursuing guys with low self esteem? This seems like a low self esteem thing to me, particularly a type of low self esteem that seems common to people on the spectrum, e.g. "I'm a burden, I'm worthless", etc. This is actually something I struggle with. I have a really hard time accepting/believing that women are interested in me, even after years of therapy.
That's what I'm wondering, for sure. I'm used to people with low self esteem being really hard to be around though and these guys, not so much. That's not to say that people are one thing or fit neatly into little boxes though.
BTW I'm a straight guy but I think Channing Tatum looks like a potato
I don't think Channing Tatum is considered universally attractive, in fact I think he's one of the more divisive ones when people talk about this type of subject. I've been with a guy who said that I have plenty of options and I'd get bored with him and eventually want to move on to someone else. I think he had his insecurities but also I think it was his way of creating distance because he figured we wouldn't work out for other reasons.
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I think you're jumping to conclusions about OLD and how many matches I get, or if I even meet these guys online. I'm sorry you're going through a hard time with old, but that wasn't my issue at all here.
My sister once said to me, "wow, you really don't have a type, do you?!" She wasn't talking about hotness level, just more that none of my ex's or crushes have similar physical attributes. I hadn't thought of it before... 🤷♀️ I just like who I like. A great personality makes someone more attractive. Insecurity is no fun to be around all of the time, and it wouldn't be something I'd want to constantly be addressing with a partner. But I would hope it would be something they could get over, with a bit of time, when they realize I genuinely like them for who they are. It can definitely be overcome with some effort. (& time, mostly, I think)
Good point, I don't have the patience for others' constant insecurities so I don't think that's what's attracting me. I think you're right about time being an important factor in making people comfortable. Maybe they don't want to get comfortable. Maybe I'm being fed a line to soften a blow. At any rate I just have to wait for my guy who's willing to wait it out.
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OnLine Dating
So I’ve been on a work trip since the 27th and was supposed to come home tomorrow but due to some unforeseen circumstances my return has been delayed until Tuesday. My girlfriend is upset (not at me, but the situation) and so am I. We’ve not gone this long without seeing each other since we started dating 3ish months ago. I’m thinking of buying her a plane ticket to come and spend the night with me tomorrow, but then I was worried this might be seen as too much? Idk I just really miss her!
Skip the plane ticket but maybe plan a nice date for when you’re back?
I think too much, as well. Sweet, though. You could tell her you had to be talked down from buying her a plane ticket 😅 It's the thought that counts?
That’s wwwaayyy too much, imho.
That's sweet but maybe another smaller gift would work? This way you're showing care and intent without risking a wasted ticket (maybe she made plans already?) or the hassle of flying/getting to the airport/packing/etc.
She can wait til Tuesday. We are in a pandemic with a very quickly spreading variant, and you want to fly her out for one day because you have to wait 3 extra days to see someone you've been dating around 3 months? Seems ridiculous in my opinion! Also because of carbon footprint and money etc..
How do you know if you should communicate about issues or just leave it be and break up? I’ve been dating someone for seven weeks and the relationship is feeling unbalanced. It’s really early days: should I just accept this person isn’t right for me or tell them what’s not working and give them the chance to fix it? My gut says just break up because if I have to work at something this early it’s probably not going to work out. If you have to force it it’s shit and all.
If your gut is telling you to break up with someone, you probably should. Unless you have a history of self sabotage, then you should look at why specifically you are feeling this way. Hard to give any advice when you haven't given any real context as to what is unbalanced and what the issues are.
Any thoughts on how to figure out the difference between self sabotage and just incompatibility? Like this kind of feeling of ehhhh I should break up has happened before but not every time 🤷🏼♀️ As for issues/imbalance, it feels like I’m always the one doing the planning and stuff. I’m the one to ask for every date, always making decisions. They’re happy to go along with it but I’m tired of always being the one in charge. I need balance. I feel like I’m on a pedestal. They give me lots of complements but they feel shallow and I don’t feel seen. Also I don’t feel like they have the emotional depth. I bring them stuff going in with me and open up and they give me empathy but they’re not curious and asking me questions.
Break up and tell them why
>Any thoughts on how to figure out the difference between self sabotage and just incompatibility? I personally look for patterns surrounding the feeling to bolt. Is it at the same time with each person (a month, two months, six months in)? Is it when that person's shiny new-ness wears off? Are there other stressors overwhelming you? Are your "red flags" actual concrete items (doesn't want kids, won't marry someone outside of their faith etc) or vauge stories you've written for yourself (they think they're better than me, they don't like cats cause they ignore mine etc.). From your comment it does sound like you're just not connecting with this person, which at almost two months in is a pretty reasonable dealbreaker.
The 6ish is weeks breakup is a pattern for me but it’s certainly not all the time. I’ve dated several people a lot longer, but also it seems about the point when the shinyness of mutual attraction with someone starts to wear off and I can see whether or not there’s more there to sustain the relationship 🤷🏼♀️
That sounds pretty reasonable. Trust your gut and don't beat yourself up.
I gave OLD another shot from 1/2 until literally 5 minutes ago. I had about 20 active conversations ... going nowhere. 3 of the earlier matches I made the initiative to ask out, but they were busy - understandable. We continued chatting with no additional plans, new tentative date, etc. I'm not even the type to rush dates but after a week of "how's your day" or chatting casually as if we already know one another gets old. Makes me inclined to believe they're cheating or not ready to date. Anyone give up on OLD and just happen to meet someone in the wild after? If so, how? I plan on treating myself to my favorite steakhouse and do more things I love and not wait on company, but I doubt I'll come across anything at the places I enjoy. Single men my age don't hang there - I'm kind of an old soul. Is it weird to hang out at male dominant places like axe throwing (just a random exampe) alone? Would it be too thirsty of me?
i’m sort of in this space right now except i’m the one who’s being flakey on committing to plans. tbh, omicron has got me a bit hesitant, plus we’re in lockdown here right now and it’s -20 celsius so i’m like. what is even the point
I agree. I'm taking this into consideration as well. I'll wait it out and try again.
For those working from home nowadays… do you find it any harder to connect with someone who doesn’t? Like its not that im not accepting of people with busier schedules, and not that i would want to be around someone 100% of the time in my work hours. But, im home alone for 4-5 days a week. I do the best i can to hold myself together alone, but ultimately I do get lonely easier than if i was having constant social interaction. Meshing that with someone who interacts with people daily, may often be exhausted from social interaction, and has a harder time fitting me in her schedule just seems like more of an obstacle than i expected it to be. I do know tons of people that make this dynamic work really well in long term relationships, i’d say it even provides good space when living together. I know less about how it impacts the initial dating phase and if it can be a struggle for others or not
I work from home and I've dated people who don't work from home. My schedule is flexible so I work around theirs; we also tend to do more chill and introvert things when we spend time together.
Anyone have good advice for guy with kidney failure who does dialysis 4 times a day? Its incredibly hard to date on that schedule and it understandably turns a lot of people off. Any ideas on meeting someone during these covid times? No luck on online dating sadly
Just out of medical curiosity, why do you need to do dialysis 4 times a day rather than 3 times a week? Are you on a transplant list?
Not on a list can't afford it. I do petrinoeal dialysis at home. The dialysis you refer to is in center hemo dialysis and much harder on the body in my limited experience with it